[Opening theme, “Great Fun” by Antarctic, plays.]

Hallie
Here we go. Okay. So I want to thank everyone for being a part of this special women only gaming session to celebrate women in gaming month in June!

All
Woo!

Emily

Yay!

Hallie
Um, for listeners, I am Hallie from Quest Friends. This is my very first time GMing anything, so I'm really excited. And we have Emily, Olivia and Cassidy here, so go ahead and introduce yourselves.

Olivia
I'm Olivia. That's me. Um, I have never played with Hallie as a DM, nor have I ever played this Numenera system. I spent a lot of time googling the Cypher system, which is not what this is called. So that's what I know.

Hallie
Okay.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Cassidy?

Cassidy
Uh, I’m Cassidy, hi. [Laughter.] Um, I have sort of played with uh Hallie and her friends before, uh, we have another thing going on. Um, I'm more familiar with traditional D&D Fifth Edition. Um, so Cypher confuses me and Numenera confuses me even more, but I do my best, so I'm excited.

Emily
I’m, Emily, I play Elee on Quest Friends with Hallie. Um, and I think that Cypher system is the best because that's all I play and I think it's easier.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia
This podcast brought to you by Cypher system. Both its enthusiasts and its newcomers.

Hallie
It's the perfect mix.

Hallie
If everyone is ready, uh, we can start, pull up your character sheets. By the way, Cassidy, is your character's name pronounced ”Eh-ref” or “Ee-raf”?

Cassidy
Eh-ref.

Hallie
Eh-ref. Okay. And it's “Zin-dal”?

Cassidy
“Zin-dal”, yes.

Hallie
“Zin-dal” okay.

Cassidy
“Eh-raf Zin-dal”

Hallie
Okay. So, if we're ready, this game takes place in the seaside country of Ancuan.

Olivia
[Making seagull noises.] Caw! Caw!

All

[Laughter.]

Emily
[Making ocean noises.]

Hallie
There are seagulls, yes [Laughter.]

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

[Upbeat, cheerful music begins to play.]

Hallie
Alright. Uh, the opening is here in the Mezzanine Courtyard, which is the immaculate garden directly in front of the Invisible Palace, ancestral home of the Brackleberries, the ruling family of Ancuan. Because the palace is invisible, the extravagant Mezzanine Courtyard looks just a little out of place with its grand statues, giant fountain and flowering archway denoting a path that looks like it leads to nowhere. Also out of place are the various stalls and booths set up in the courtyard and the merchants screaming out their wares. The calls you hear are mostly for Cinnamints, Triangle Squares and Snapoas, which you, Eraf Xindal, would recognize as the names of the cookies made and sold by the Knights of Ancuan in recent efforts for peacekeeping and fundraising. Two booths across from each other have been arguing about which cookie is better, Cinnamints or Snapoas, for the last five minutes. The Snapoas booth representative suddenly yells:

Hallie (as booth representative)
What do you mean you haven't tried one?

Hallie
And throws a box across the courtyard to the opposing booth. Eraf, you were standing directly in the middle of these booths, so roll a speed defense.

Cassidy
Oh wow. Oh jeez, I'm not prepared for this.

Hallie and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
Uh…

Olivia
Civil unrest.

Cassidy
Do I add anything to that?

Hallie
Uh, let me double check.

Cassidy
Cause [Laughing.] it’s pretty bad.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia
It’s not one you’re necessarily proud of.

Hallie
You all know effort, well, effort you can like apply part of your pool to, um, putting more effort into the task to succeed. Uh, normally just specify before you roll. I will let you add the effort to it though, since it's the first roll.

Cassidy
That’s definitely not worth it, I rolled a four.

Hallie
You rolled a four? Alright, well it smacks you in the head!

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
That's fine. I don't even react. [Laughter.]

Hallie
You're just standing there?

Cassidy
Yeah. Just like, smacked in the face. Don’t worry about it.

Hallie
Alright. Well, luckily, uh, Madeline Jefferjames, head of the Diplomacy Division at the Knights of Ancuan, and your partner in several former interrogation cases, is next to you. So she will pick it up, throw it back at the booth that threw it and say:

Hallie (as Madeline)
I've seen pirates behave themselves better than this! This is, this is ridiculous. Also, sir, Snapoas are, in fact the worst. Please remove yourself from the courtyard.

Hallie
Then she'll think about it and say:

Hallie (as Madeline)
Nevermind, Anastasia wouldn't like that. You can stay, but I want you to know your cookies suck.

Olivia

[Laughter.]

Hallie
He will look and baleful and open the box that he just threw and then like sorrowfully eat a cookie.

Cassidy, Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Does she have the power to make him leave or does is she just stating her opinion?

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Uh, it's both.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
She’s got the power. She's like Anastasia’s right hand woman.

Olivia
Okay, got it.

[05:00]

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Thank you Miss Jeffers--Miss Jeffersjames, that was, uh, very kind of you to do.

Hallie (as Madeline)
No problem Eraf, man, it's just, I was all for opening the courtyard to merchants and everything, you know, like boost up sales, but it's, it's just, it's getting out of hand.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
It is a little difficult to handle, but perhaps we could find more help?

Hallie (as Madeline)
More help manning the courtyard you mean?

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Yes, I think that could be a good idea.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Huh, I'll suggest that. You know, she might, she might go for that. Anyway, thank you for coming today. Um.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Absolutely. It's my pleasure.

Hallie (as Madeline)
I am very pleased that you did decide to, well you haven't accepted yet because you haven't spoken to her, but I'm pleased to know that you're interested.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Absolutely. It's uh, been many years together, I would never turn down an offer at least to come see things.

Hallie
Madeline looks very pleased.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Uh, what time did that letter say?

Cassidy
Oh boy.

Hallie
And then Eraf, if you would read the letter you received from Anastasia.

[Inspiring piano music begins to play.]

Cassidy
It says, “Dear Eraf, it is with great esteem that I write to humbly ask you for your time and attention. Your exemplary work in Information Acquisition Division of the Knights of Ancuan recommends you for a singular professional opportunity, the nature of which is immediate. Should you be interested and able to spare the next few days for the good of the service of Ancuan, please gather in the Mezzanine Courtyard at 9:00 AM. Sincerely, Queen Anastasia Brackleberry.

[Piano music ends.]

Hallie
Uh, Madeline will check a watch that she has on her right wrist and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
It's 8:58 now. So the others should be-

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I look forward to meeting them.

Hallie (as Madeline)
- showing up soon.

Olivia
Uh, can I, in the courtyard, sound begins to come out. For those of you not familiar it’s the distinct sound of a diesel engine. [Diesel engine revs and whirrs in the background.] So it's like “bbrraaaaaaaaaa” very complaining sounding and slowly into sight pulls a large, a red and white, uh, VW Westfalia Camper Van. Behind the wheel you can see, slightly hunched, is one Hannelore Dunn. She pulls up to the side of the Mezzanine, maybe too close to the invisible castle just cause she doesn't actually know where it is because it's invisible and she, uh, pops out of her car and starts to look around.

Hallie
Uh, Madeline will wave at you and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Miss Dunn, I presume?

Olivia
Uh, Hannelore waves back and starts to make her way over to you.

Hallie
Okay. Uh, Madeline will meet you halfway, approach you and offer her hand for a handshake.

Hallie (as Madeline)

Oh!

Hallie

She says, uh,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Madeline Jefferjames, head of the Foreign Relations and Diplomacy Division at the Knights of Ancuan.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, Hannelore. Dunn. Nice to meet ya.

Hallie (as Madeline)
That’s some car you got there. What's it's called?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, this is uh, well it's uh, a VW Westfalia Camper Van. But uh, you can call her uh, Big Mary.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Big Mary, huh.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
If you call her anything at all.

Hallie (as Madeline)
It's impressive tech. Where did, how did you put it together? Where'd you scavenge it?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Oh, you know, I found it.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
Okay.

Hallie
[Laughter.] Madeline will just accept that. And then she will introduce, uh, I, she'll kind of guide you over to where Eraf is and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Eraf, this is Hannelore.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Hannelore. It's nice to meet you.

Cassidy
And she offers her hand.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Nice to meet you Eraf.

Olivia
She sticks out her hand and it is, it is greasy at the tips and there is smudge of filth on her. She smells of oil, but it's a firm and calm handshake.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
That’s good. Strong handshake. I like it.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You too. You're not the, or you guys are in char--or who were waiting for here?

Hallie (as Madeline)
We are waiting for-

Hallie
Madeline will pull out a little sheaf of notes and, and look at it a little bit and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
The Incredible Igneous-

Emily
I would like to interrupt!

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Please do.

[Derpy, upbeat music begins.]

Emily
You may not have noticed that someone was hiding.

All

[Laughter.]

Emily
Waiting for someone to check the name sheet [Laughter.] so she could burst into the courtyard.

Olivia
It's like, it's like, it's like Doddy Wonder from Arrested Development.

[Laughter.]

Emily
And you see a figure appear from what seems like out of nowhere, which is actually just behind one of the stalls, almost seeming to be on fire--

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Ah!

Emily

--and she flings her arms out and looks over at the crowd and says,

Emily (as Ig)
I think you were waiting for me, the Incredible Igneous Artiste of Astaria.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
H-how, how far away is she?

Hallie, Olivia, and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Is she just like across the courtyard from us or did she time it right so that she’s nearby? Cause it would be incredible.

Emily
She, well, like,

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily

She likes to get there early and then wait--

Cassidy

Fashionably late, right?

Emily

--until it’s a tiny bit late, [Laughter.] and make an entrance. Yeah. So she’s-

Olivia
So much effort.

Emily
Yeah. Oh no, effort is worth it if you get attention.

[Playful song ends.]

Olivia and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Madeline will give you a once over. And are you currently on fire?

Emily
I’ve, I've extinguished the flames.

Hallie
So she'll say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Didn't know Anastasia invited a fire hazard to this mission.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Neither did I.

Emily (as Ig)
Thank you!

Emily

And then I want to, um, I want to take Madeline’s hand, bow deeply over it and kiss it--

Hallie

[Snort of laughter.]

Emily

--and then kind of like fling it back and stand back up straight.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Hannelore dodges the hand that flies past her.

Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

[09:59]

Hallie

Madeline will kind of cock her head, and go,

Hallie (as Madeline)
[Sighs.] She would...

Hallie
To herself and then like,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Alright, well I'm supposed to escort you to your appointment with Queen Anastasia. So let's get going.

Hallie
And with that, uh, Madeline, will click her heels together and so wheels pop out of her shoes like Heelies and she's going to skate ahead of you down the path that's under the archway towards the what looks like nothing, but is the Invisible Palace.

Olivia
Hannelore, uh, clicks, uh, her right hand and you hear “boop boop!” and uh, the lights on Red Mary, uh, flash once.

Hallie

Perfect.

Olivia

She puts her hands in her pockets.

Hallie
It should be noted that the, the Red Mary has garnered attention from some of the merchants, not anything suspicious, just like,

Hallie (as merchant)
Oh man, what is that?

Hallie
Because it's, it's really old tech, but, uh,

Cassidy
[Whispering.] Somebody’s going to steal it. [Laughter.]

Hallie
They would not have seen anything like this before.

Cassidy
[Whispering.] It's a nice car.

Olivia
Okay. I'm going just going to go up to the, um, who's like a medium looking toughness of a person?

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Not the one with the samosas, he’s clearly a weak willed man.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
The uh, the Cinnamints guy, the Cinnamints guy looks pretty cool.

Olivia
Cinnamints guy. Kay, I'm going to go up to him.

Hallie
And he'll like look at you and then point at him like “me?”

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Mmhm. Yeah, you, what’s your name?

Hallie (as merchant)
Uh Frank.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Frank. That's great. That's good to hear. Frank. That's my car over there. Trust you, seem like a good guy. If something happens to her--

Cassidy

Oh ho.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

--you personally will be held responsible.

Olivia
And then she just gives him a little smile and walks away.

Hallie
He will kind of look back at like the Snapoas guy who was still eating all of his Snapoas from the box, that he can’t sell because Snapoas are the worst.

Olivia
Through tears.

Hallie
And the Snapoas guy will, will, will like smugly laugh and then just like disappear behind this booth. Like he's out. He's having a good day. Frank will just say,

Hallie (as Frank)
Mi- Miss? Ah... okay.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
That's, that's it. He doesn't have--Frank. Yeah, he’ll just accept this.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
On your own head be it, bud.

Emily
As I pass, can I look Frank into the eyes, poke the car, and then run after them.

Cassidy and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Olivia
I don't see this. I am. I have walked away.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Frank will like move and, of course he has no weapons behind the booth because he's a merchant.

Emily and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

He will move to throw a box of cookies at you and then like restrain himself a little bit and just give you a look.

Cassidy
We're just kind of to watching this all happen. Maybe a slight amused look on my face. While whatever Madeline is doing, like, is she just gone?

Hallie
Madeline a little bit ahead of you, but she's going to come back and like,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Come on guys. Let's go.

Hallie
Alright, so she will lead the three of you under the arboretum and along the path that leads nowhere. It's not too long until you reach two guards standing to either side of what is probably the entrance. They nod to Madeline and you hear the sound of a drawbridge. Although you can't see the drawbridge itself, you can tell it's been lowered about the fact that a foyer is being revealed before your very eyes is if someone was painting it from top to bottom. Once the foyer is fully there and the sound stops, Madeline will usher all of you inside. And then once you're inside, you'll hear the drawbridge being raised again behind you. And then like the outside world vanishes. Inside it looks normal. You can't like see outside or anything. It's just a nice, a nice foyer. Uh, and then she will, she's already zooming across the foyer towards an ornate door on the other side, uh, she knocks and a voice from inside shouts,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Come in!

[Welcoming, cheery, upbeat music begins to play.]

Hallie
Uh, this is the formal receiving room, but much like the Mezzanine Courtyard, it's been unformalized a bit. A long table covered with cookie decorating supplies spans than width of the room. Behind the table Queen Anastasia, wearing an apron and with frosting stains on her cheeks, is focusing intently on squeezing frosting out of one of those icing tubes, onto a sugar cookie. Uh, there is a hawk sitting on a perch behind her. Um, she'll greet you like,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Hi, sorry, oh, Colleen and I were do - just, just a sec, wait just a sec.

Hallie
And, uh, next to her, another worker, who you assume is Colleen, is packing up the finished cookies into an ornate box. As she ties up the box she was just working on, she absentmindedly takes a cookie from a cooking sheet and moves to take a bite of it. The next part happens very quickly. Anastasia notices because she happens to glance up. And in one swift movement she squeezes out the last of the icing and then throws the now empty tube at Colleen so that it knocks the cookie out of her hand, back on the cookie sheet. And the icing tube will hit the opposite wall where it reverberates like a dart on a bullseye. And Anastasia was like ,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Colleen! We’ve been over this!

Hallie
And Colleen goes like,

Hallie (as Colleen)
I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Just forgot. It was a slip, I'm just really hungry.

[Cheerful music ends.]

Hallie
And Anastasia says,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
I already made you cookies! If you're hungry, go eat those.

Hallie (as Colleen)
Oh you did?

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Yes! Check your mail cubby. You never check your mail cubby!

Hallie
At that Colleen will smile and then just run out of the room. So then Anastasia will shout after her,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
They’re butterscotch, your favorite!

Emily

Aww.

Hallie
The she turns back to all of you.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Oh, sorry about that. Thank you all so much for coming. Sorry about all this mess, I’ve just, um, I've been getting everything ready. A unique opportunity has presented itself and I hope after you hear me out, you'll all be willing to accept.

Emily (as Ig)
Yes!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Uh.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
After you hear me out. It's nice to know that you're, that you're energetic though. I really appreciate the enthusiasm.

Emily (as Ig)
Okay.

Olivia
Hannelore puts her filthy hands in her pockets, and looks very nervous because that woman almost had a dart of frosting through her forehead.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
That's fair.

Cassidy

Eraf is just going to kind of fold her hands together and say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I’m very interested to hear your offer.

[15:02]

Cassidy
And her cape is slowly billowing behind her in, inside where you shouldn't feel any drafts, but her cape is moving nonetheless.

Hallie
That's right, you have a cape that moves only inside.

Cassidy
Yes.

Olivia
I'm staring at it.

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
It's a beautiful thing. [Laughter.]

Hallie
Alright. Anastasia has ignored it, but her hawk has come from her perch and like landed on her arm and she's petting it while she delivers, uh, the mission. So she will say,

[Dramatic, menacing music begins.]

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
It's no secret that ever since Empress Challadien III inherited the throne of the Pyranthion Empire, she's been looking to reconquer the neighboring countries, the empire used to rule. Ancuan included. I've been focusing on internal affairs, you know restoring everything after the rebellion and all, and the Empire has been dealing with their famines so I just haven't really been worried about it. But my messengers informed me yesterday that Challadien has been seen at a seaside retreat near Pike’s Head. She's there on vacation, is the official story, but I'm calling that bluff. I think she’s scouting out Ancuan because she thinks Ancuan is ripe for the taking and I want to let her know it's not. Madeline?

Hallie
And Madeline will pipe up.

Hallie (as Madeline)
I have drafted a peace treaty that we will hopefully get the Empress to sign. Eh, peace treaty isn't quite the right word for it. It's more of a nonaggression pact.

Hallie
And then Anastasia will pop in again with,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
The problem is that we don't have that much to offer the Empire. The only thing we have they don't have--

[Dramatic music stops abruptly.]

--is cookies!

Hallie
And she'll gesture at the cookies in front of her.

Emily (as Ig)

Oh...

Olivia (as Hannelore)
That's absolutely it?

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Yeah. Yeah. I mean the empire is really big and they have their famines, but... they're really big. They could take over any of the countries. I mean, Ishlav, Ancuan, Miscobal. So we don't have that much to offer diplomatically and not that much to threaten them with. Uh, but we do have cookies and my cookie initiative has been going really well, really, really well! And, you know, there were skeptics when I suggested giving the Knights of Ancuan more duties not related strictly to the military, but we've been able to raise a ton of money and support with the cookies. And I think an unexpected course of action is a good course of action. They, uh, they sweetened the deal, you might say. Ayyyyyyyyy.

Emily

Ayyyy!

Olivia (as Hannelore)
So you haven't invested in like infrastructure or military or anything like that?

Hallie
Anastasia, will look a little bit bashful and she'll be, start petting her hawk a little more intently.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
I have, but we need money to be able to do those things and we can't have money without cookies, so listen. I would really like you three to accompany Madeline on this mission as official representatives of the Knights of Ancuan and I chose all three of you specifically.

Hallie
At this she will approach Hannelore.

[Dramatic, patriotic music begins to play.]

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry) (emotional music begins)
Hannelore, it’s so nice to see you again. You’ve always been a loyal soldier and an outstanding mechanic and since Pike’s Head is about a day and a half’s journey away, I thought there was no one better suited to this task than you and the Red Mary.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, my pleasure ma'am.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Yay!

Hallie
And then she will approach Eraf.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Eraf.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Uhhhh…

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Eraf. I asked Madeline her recommendation from the Information Acquisition Division of the Knights, and she didn't hesitate before recommending you. From what I understand you’re an invaluable member of the department.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Ah, that's what I've been told before too and I would be happy to help with this mission. It sounds straight up my alley.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Perfect!

Hallie
And then finally she will approach Ig.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
You performed at my cousin's sixth birthday last year! You were great!

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Gosh, I love magic! I think diplomatic missions could really benefit from an entertainment aspect. Will you go?

Emily (as Ig)
I think so too. I, you know, some of the greatest parties I performed at are parties that I haven't been invited to, so, like, I have a whole ‘nother edge of entertainment prowess when I've been invited to this mission. I think we've got this.

[Dramatic music ends.]

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
I think so too. And between you and me that party was really lane before you showed up.

Emily (as Ig)
Awwww!

Olivia
Hannelore is just, like, stroking her eyebrow--

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

--trying to get a grip on this situation.

Emily (as Ig)
You always light up my day.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
I'm so glad you're all accepting!

Hallie
Anastasia will say, and her hawk will take off and like circle around. Not in a menacing hawk way, just in like ‘I have excess energy,’ casual hawk way.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia
I'm watching it go.

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
Before you go I have some things to give to you that hopefully make your journey easier.

Hallie
And now it’s time for the Cypher Presentations.

Emily

[Loud, excited gasp.]

[Upbeat jazz-style elevator music begins to play.]

Cassidy

Oh boy...

Hallie
So, Cyphers are really old, one use items that are just really old tech; people normally, in the ninth world, cannot figure out what they do. You have like an idea, but they're just like these cool one off items that are usually more powerful than other weapons. So I have nine here, you need to get three and you can call them.

Cassidy
Hoh!

Hallie
There is a small potion called Cat’s Eye that grants the ability to see in the dark for eight hours.

Cassidy

Ooh!

Hallie

Ah, there is a time dilation module, which is like a wristwatch and that's, hang on...

Cassidy
I already kind of want that one. Even if I don't know what it does.

Hallie
That means you move with almost instantaneous, instantaneous ease-

Cassidy
Oh my gosh.

Hallie
- when you swing a weapon it modifies attacks by two steps in your favor, uh, there is a living solvent, which is -

Emily
That sounds terrifying.

Hallie
It is.

Emily
What is a living solvent?!

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
What’s its name?

[Elevator music stops.]

Hallie
An organic slime which will dissolve one cubic foot of material each round.

Olivia
Oh, I don't, I, I don't want. That's going to eat through my upholstery.

Emily
[Laughing.] I don’t want that either, I’d spill it.

Hallie
After one round per -

[20:00]

Cassidy
I will take responsibility for that.

Hallie
Okay. Uh, there is a reality spike. This is my favorite one. Once activated, the spike does not move, ever, even if activated in mid air. A might action will dislodge the spike but then it is ruined. It's just a stick, you can throw it somewhere cool. [Laughter.]

Olivia
It's a one use stick and stick?

Hallie
Yeah, it's a one use stick and stick.

Olivia
Alright. I might want that.

Hallie
Then there's gravity nullifying spray which will allow something the size of a person or smaller to float a certain number of feet in the air determined by a D20 roll, and then no longer has weight that’s carried. You have to strap it down. Then there is a sound dampener that dampens all sounds within immediate range.

Olivia and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie
There is a frigid wall projector which creates a wall of super cooled air up to 30 feet by 30 feet that inflicts damage on anything that passes through it. Uh, then there is a psychic communique which allows the user to project a one time, one way, telepathic message of up to 10 words, with an unlimited range, to anyone they know. And the last one is a mental scrambler two rounds after being activated, this device will create an invisible field that fills an area within a short range and last for one minute. The field scrambles the mental processes of all thinking creatures. The effect lasts as long as they remain in the field and then there, uh, there's a number of ways they can just be completely fucked. Uh, there's one that makes them go blind, there's one that makes them go mute. It's horrifying.

Cassidy
[Nervous laughter.] Is it detectable when you, like, activate it or is it just, can you still fully activate it without somebody noticing it, then all of a sudden they just can't talk without knowing why?

Hallie
It's an invisible field.

Cassidy
Oh, okay.

Hallie
So, they would know they were affected by like, I assume they would get like a headache.

Cassidy
Something. Yeah.

Hallie
Um, but you could activate that without anyone knowing. It just wouldn't take effect for two rounds.

Cassidy
Interesting.

Hallie
Alright, so who wants what?

Olivia, Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Uh… I’m interested -

Hallie
Cassidy got stuck with the living solvent, yeah?

Cassidy
Yes. I have the living solvent that dissolves one square foot per round.

Olivia
I'll get the one use stick and stick and the gravity spray if nobody else wants it.

Hallie
Reality spike for Hannelore, okay… [Typing.] and no one else wants the gravity thing?

Cassidy
Nah.

Emily
No, I have hedge magic.

Cassidy
Yeah, I would not mind the time dilation. That sounds fun.

Hallie
I'll give you that.

Emily
I'll take the see in the dark one.

Hallie
And then choose one other one, since Eraf and Hannelore both have two. Left is the sound dampener, the frigid wall projector, the psychic communique and the mental scrambler.

Emily
Psychic!

Hallie
Psychic one, okay.

Cassidy
Wait, can I switch to the mental scrambler?

Hallie
Yeah, you still get a third one. So do you want that to be your third one?

Cassidy
Oh wait, yes.

Hallie
I was just giving Emily a chance to choose though. Okay. So between Emily and Olivia: sound dampener and frigid wall projector.

Olivia
Uh, sound dampener.

Emily
What's the frigid wall projector again?

Hallie
That's, um, is like a forcefield.

Emily
Oh, okay.

Hallie
Super cooled air. But it causes damage to anyone that comes with, comes in it.

Emily
Okay.

Hallie
But it's like 30 feet by 30 feet, so it doesn't have to protect just you, it can protect a number of people. Okay. So we've got our cyphers distributed. So with that, Anastasia will say,

Hallie (as Queen Anastasia Brackleberry)
I don't know how long the Empress is going to stay at Pike’s Head. Uh, so you'd better get going. But thank you all so, so much for accepting this mission, it means a lot to me and it needs a lot to Ancuan.

Emily (as Ig)
Aw, you're so sweet.

[Upbeat road trip music plays.]

Hallie
Hello. It is I, Hallie, today's GM, giving you your announcement break because this is a special woman only episode of Quest Friends. Uh, this episode was originally supposed to air in June for Women in Tabletop Gaming Month, but the session took a lot longer than we thought it, would as often happens in the role playing games, uh, so you're getting it in September. But the good news is that now it’s going to be a multiple part mini series, so we all win, really. Your call to action this week is to checkout our tumblr! I know that's been the call to action before, but we really love getting asks, so specifically we're asking for asks, uh, any ask that is not about Hopper and Lorraine is a good one, so just avoid the Stopper ship and we're good. Speaking of Stopper, the next episode of the main campaign will be released on September 17th and the next episode of the Cookie Crew will be released on September 24th. So I'll see you then!

[Upbeat road trip music plays and ends.]

Hallie
Alright. So if you're ready to go, we can do a cut back to the Red Mary.

Olivia
Hannelore feels, uh, quite out of place. So she'd be happy to go.

[24:54]

Hallie
Okay. So Madeline is, like, ready to roll, she's on her little roller blades again, but when you get back to the car, she'll pop her heels together again and then they’re normal shoes.

Olivia
Alright, I'm giving, uh, Red Mary and, uh, Frank the Cinnamint man a once over. How do they look?

Hallie
Okay. Uh, Red Mary looks unscathed. Uh, Frank looks very emotionally scathed.

Emily, Hallie and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
I'm going to go up to it, I'm going to look really, really close at it. Take the, I'm wearing coveralls, but undone at the waist so they're like, the arms are wrapped around my waist. I'm going to take the sleeve and rub the smudge mark that Ig touched.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

And uh, give Frank, a nod.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Thank you. Thank you for that, Frank.

Hallie
He will struggle with how to respond and then end up doing a salute.

Emily (as Ig)
[Laughing.] Thanks, Frank.

Olivia
I will return the salute.

Cassidy
Eraf will salute back just to make him feel a little bit more comfortable.

Hallie

All right.

Cassidy

‘Cause this poor man seems to have just been through a lot.

Hallie
Frank is just the unsung hero of this adventure.

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
Can we take him with?

All

[More laughter.]

Hallie
He's going to stay-

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You wanna come?

Hallie
- with his Cinnamints. Alright. Oh, so Anastasia gave you several boxes of these ornate cookies that she herself made for, um, the Empress, and then you also have a bunch of boxes of like the normal cookies, the Cinnamints and the Triangle Squares and the Snapoas, uh, so now the map that Madeline has, that has your route, has you traveling down the coast, because that connects Glavis, which is the capital of Ancuan, to the seaside retreat that the Empress is reported to be at. Uh, so if everyone's okay with it, we can do a cut to travel time. You are all in the Red Mary?

Olivia
Uh, not quite yet. Okay, uh, so as I mentioned, Hannelore is carrying most of the boxes. I think she's, she's a very tall woman and she's very strong. She's loading them into the back.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Alright folks. [Sighs.] A few simple ground rules, it’s not that complicated. You don't eat in my van, you don't wear wet shoes in my van, you act proper in my van. We should all get along fine.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Do these rules qualify in the case of an emergency?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, TBD.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Fair enough.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Probably not though.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Prob- probably though.

Emily (as Ig)
How do you feel about open flames?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Very negatively.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
Okay, just making sure.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
It's important for you to know that fire ruins things, and fire will ruin my car, and then we'll have an issue.

Emily (as Ig)
So, so also in an emergency flames are still not...in?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Not in. ...

Emily (as Ig)
[Quietly.] Okay.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Not In the van. There is a cooking area that we will use only when we are not in motion.

Olivia
She clicks her hand again [Makes clicking noise.] and, uh, the door opens and she gets inside.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
I'm driving.

Hallie
[Laughing.] Obviously. No one's going to fight you on that. Well, they might.

Cassidy
No.

Hallie
No, Madeline won’t.

Emily
You should drive.

Cassidy
Drive away.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Alright, well it's pretty easy drive because you just have to follow the water. There's like a bay between Glavis and Pike's Head, so like it's called the Kelen Bay. You can just literally follow the Kelen Bay; as long as it's on your right you are, you are good to go.

Olivia
Alright. Uh, Hannelore puts on some music and it is “The Best of Dolly Parton.”

Hallie
Perfect. Madeline will say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Who is this “Dolly Parton”?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
A national treasure is what she is.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
She sounds old.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Upset dismissive noise.]

Hallie
Madeline has shotgun, by the way. No one--even if someone else has--

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Nope.

Emily and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

--she's called shotgun.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Yep.

Hallie

Just like launched herself into the shotgun seat.

Cassidy
I am in the back reading a book.

Hallie
Okay.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Alright. Everybody, is everybody buckled up?

Cassidy
I just give a thumbs up.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Madeline? What about you?

Hallie (as Madeline)
Yeah, I’m buckled in.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Okay. It's very important. Uh, Ig? What’s Ig?

Cassidy
I'm going to like mutter,

Cassidy (as Eraf)
She's not buckled up.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
Traitor!

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)
We're not allowed to break the rules.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You need to buckle up, Ig. Even if you don't care about flying through the windshield, I do. In the event of an accident, your body becomes a projectile that will ruin my interior.

Emily and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
Fiiiine. How long is the drive?

Hallie (as Madeline)
It's about a day and a half. So we’ll need to camp out in like six to seven hours when the sun sets.

Emily (as Ig)
Okay, well, I'm going to probably need to pee in like a half an hour. So.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
We’ll break every hour. The rules of the road, you just have to hold it. You'll be fine.

Olivia
[Laughter.] Hannelore’s very rude, I'm so sorry.

Emily (as Ig)
[Laughter.] What if it’s an emergency?

Olivia (as Hannelore)

What if it’s a… [Sighs.]

Olivia
She just turns up the volume on Dolly Parton.

All

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
You know, I like Dolly Parton.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Oh good. You’re gonna hear a lot of it.

Hallie
Once you are on the road and like fully coasting, um, at a reasonable speed of what I imagine to be approximately 45 miles an hour, maybe 60, cause it's, I mean it's like, it's not like a road, ‘cause it's Numenera, but it's like decent, you know, it's not like you're driving through the woods.

Olivia
The Red Mary is truckin’, she is a steady as a rock.

Hallie
Alright.

Olivia
Despite being very old, she's not, she's having no problems with the road.

Hallie
While you're trucking, uh, Madeline, who has kicked her feet up on your dash, like so, is going to ask,

Hallie (as Madeline)
So when have you ever done anything like this before?

Cassidy

Oh ho ho.

Olivia
I reach over and smack her feet.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Ow! These are really expensive shoes. Don't do that.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
It's a really expensive van, innit?

Hallie (as Madeline)
I dunno, you just said you found it somewhere!

[29:59]

Olivia
Who uh-- [Deadpan.] I'm going to pull over.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
This was so quick.

All

[Still laughing.]

Cassidy
And I’m going to look up and say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)
That was actually quick.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, anybody else want to sit in shotgun? This isn't working for me. Any, you, uh, Eraf.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Me?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You want to sit up front? You seem like a reasonable and non filthy person.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I suppose I can, but I won't be talking much.

Olivia
I'm just going to stare at Madeline, Madeline until she gets out.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
[Makes a loud noise of complaint.]

Hallie
[Laughter.] And she'll get up.

Emily (as Ig)
Well I mean, if we're already getting out and changing around seats, can I come to the front?

Hallie and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Right. Yeah. You got, you got, you got five minutes. Make it count.

Emily (as Ig)

[Laughter.] Can I sit in the middle?

Hallie, Olivia and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
It's bench seating so you could sit in the middle.

Cassidy
I’m gonna… defer to Hannelore.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
I would rea-- I mean, in an ideal world, all of you would sit in the back.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Olivia (As hannelore)
Fine, whatever. Just go pee quick. We gotta get going.

Emily (as Ig)
No, I don't need to pee, I want to sit up front but like in the middle so I can stand if my legs get tired.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Okay, but, you can stand if your legs get tired?

Emily (as Ig)
Yeah. Like, like I'll kind of crouch so I can look out the front of the car.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You have, you gotta be buckled up, man. I don't know what to tell you.

Emily (as Ig)
[Sighs.] Fiiine. I'll sit in the back.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Okay. Erlath, I'm sorry, Erith.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Eraf.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Eraf, uh, it's all you.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I know it's a strange name, but thank you.

Olivia
Alright. I guess I continue to drive.

Hallie (as Madeline)
So like I was saying,

Hallie
Madeline says,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Have any of you done anything like this before? I’ve worked with Eraf and she's great at interrogation, but I know that you never sold any cookies.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
No… Frequently, when dealing with the enemy, we were trying to extract information, not give gifts. So this'll be slightly new. But I'm familiar with neighboring countries.

Emily (as Ig)
I sell shit to people all the time. Usually it's metaphorical, but, feel like I can handle this too.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, I myself, uh, I'm a, I'm a mechanic. I'm not a salesman. No, I've never specifically driven a carton of, cookies made by the Queen, peace offering.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Thought not.

Emily (as Ig)
So wait, so I'm like basically the expert here?

Hallie (as Madeline)
I wouldn't say that,

Hallie
Madeline says,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Remember -

Olivia
Hannelore’s hands are gripping the steering wheel.

Hallie and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
You're in the presence of the head of the Diplomacy and Foreign Relations Division of the Knights of Ancuan.

Emily (as Ig)
Oh!

Olivia (as Hannelore)
That's cool. How'd you get that job? Your mom, or? What?

Emily and Hallie

[Incredulous laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Oh Jeez.

Cassidy
I’m gonna just hide behind my book.

Hallie (as Madeline)
I'm just real good at what I do. Negotiating, making promises that sometimes I can keep.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Soiling cars.

Hallie (as Madeline)
I didn’t soil anything. My shoes are clean.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
You know, I don't believe I've ever tried any of these cookies…

Cassidy
As I try to subtly diffuse the tension.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Is there any, uh, samples that we could perhaps partake in?

Hallie (as Madeline)
Yeah, Anastasia gave me some samples.

Hallie
You have one box of each of the main type as well as one of the kind that Anastasia made.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Next time we pull over you can try those, I'm not getting crumbs all over this place.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Ah, That is true.

Emily
Ig has like, has her hand in the box and slowly draws it out.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
I will turn this car around.

Emily (as Ig)
I took it ooouuut! I took it out!

Olivia (as Hannelore)
So help me. Just leave it! And it was one of the, it was one of my few rules.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Very fair rules.

Emily (as Ig)
What were the rules again?

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
No food. No dirty shoes. No fire.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
And staying buckled.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
And staying buckled. That should be, or everyone's rule. But yeah, that's important in this car too.

Emily
This is actually just a commercial for seatbelt safety.

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

What a bea--

Hallie
Safety's important, everyone. Wear your seatbelts.

Hallie
Madeline will turn to Ig and say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
So what division did you work for again?

Emily (as Ig)
Ah, the um, it's, it definitely starts with an E, and, umm…

Hallie
Do you actually not remember? Because I can pull it up.

Emily
No, I remember [Laughter.]. It’s the Entertainment and Li... I can't say it. Why can't I figure out how to say the L word?

Hallie
I actually cannot remember what I named your division [Laughter.]. How is it spelled?

Cassidy
Lubrication.

All

[Laughter.]

Emily
[Laughter.] Yes. I’m the Entertainment and Lubrication division. Thank you.

Hallie
No, it's not that.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Ah, this should go smoothly then.

Cassidy
[Laughter.] Yeah.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter, bordering on wheezing.]

Hallie
Let me just…

Cassidy and Olivia

[More laugher.]

Hallie
Let me just...Leisure and Entertainment!

Cassidy
Leisure!

Olivia
Leisure!

[Laughing.]

Cassidy
Oh boy.

Emily
[Laughter.] Close enough.

Olivia
It’s a sort of lubrication. It’s a social lubrication.

Cassidy and Emily

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
Uh, yeah, that one!

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Great. So the expert, right?

Emily (as Ig)
Yeah! Yeah. Right?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Great.

Emily (as Ig)
It's like, I make people happy. I'm in that division. You guys aren't really...in the same kind of division. So like I'm probably close, closest to…

[35:01]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
I would agree.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Entertainment will certainly help improve our relationship with them, I believe.

Emily (as Ig)
Exactly! So like when we get there, right, you guys are going to do the cookies and I’m gonna like [Makes a dramatic wooshing sound.] and like I can get on top of the car, right? And then jump down and then, like, I'm going to put myself on fire and then I'm going to be like woo! And then, and then, um, I, I can do like a trick and then, and then--

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)

--while I'm distracting them, you guys can do...your division stuff. What do you do?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
I’m, like I said I'm not a salesman. I could set up the booth, or whatever.

Emily and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Um, please don't, just like 10 feet from the car is all I ask before you light yourself on fire, uh, won’t be a problem other than that.

Emily (as Ig)
Would one of you be willing to like, launch me from the top of the car--

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)

--so I get a little further away ‘cause I don't know if I can jump a whole 10 feet, but like if you give me a little boost--

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)

--like you clasp your hands together and then I jump off it.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
[Laughter.] I may be able to help with that.

Emily (as Ig)
Okay.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
When the time comes. I'm looking forward to seeing your trick, actually. It was quite impressive in the courtyard.

Emily (as Ig)
See, I'm an expert, we already have a plan for what to do when we get there.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Madeline is rubbing her temples because she feels a headache coming on and she's going to say,

Hallie (as Madeline)
Oh-

Emily (as Ig)
Wait, I could fix that!

Hallie (as Madeline)
Nooo, no, nooo!

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
I’m just gonna kind of reach and pass back just a generic bottle of headache relief, whatever Advil is in this universe.

Hallie
Uh. We'll call it, like Tadvil.

Cassidy
Tadvil. [Laughter.]

Hallie
[Laughter.] We normally just change like a single vowel when we’re changing the names of things.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Oddvil. We’ll call it Oddvil. She will take that.

Olivia
There's a sink kind of thing that she can have a cup of water from.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Just be careful.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Am I allowed to drink water in the van?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Just be careful. Just a little cup worth.

Olivia
I'm holding it with my fingers, and it's about two inches of water that you're allowed to have.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Alright.

Cassidy
Like a little Dixie Cup.

Emily (as Ig)
Oh wait! We can drink in the van?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Water, that is provided. When we pull over you can drink and dance and do whatever fire stuff you want, but please, inside the van take it easy.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Now I know Anastasia’s trying to handle things in like a different way. Just trying to mix things up. This might be going a little, a little a little much. Are you guys, are you guys sure you're up to the task?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Of driving cookies?

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
Yeah.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh huh, yeah, um, I’ve, uh, I've never been more sure.

Cassidy
Can I give her a little teasing look and say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I thought you had the utmost confidence in me, Ms. Jefferjames.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Oh no, no. You, you're fine.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)

You're fine. I trust you. I mean, I know that normally -

Emily (as Ig)
Wow, rude!

Hallie and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
God, what's the pattern here?

Hallie

[Laughing harder.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
I know that normally your specialty is extracting information, but I think that you'll be able to twist that around to sell cookies.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

See, this is extraction thing. “Extraction” is a concern for me. It just makes it sound like you're sticking pipettes and people's heads and pulling out knowledge. Very intrusive.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
It might not be that far from the truth at some points.

Emily (as Ig)
What? Wait, is that why we’re here?

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Oh no, not at all.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Have our memories sucked from our skulls?

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline)
Don't worry, it's not that kind of secret mission.

Cassidy
Men in Black, just [makes a poof noise.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
It didn't have to be so complicated, you know, if you're just going to steal our memories, we don't have to have this whole cookie narrative, get it over and done with.

Hallie and Emily

[Laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)
No, no. This is my previous work, unrelated to the current mission.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Cool. Let's keep it that way.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I hope to keep it that way as well. It's not exactly the most relaxing job.

Hallie
And you drive on.

Cassidy
We can have a break and have cookies, right?

Hallie
I mean, when you pull over and you can try the cookies.

Cassidy
Yesss!

Hallie
If you want we can cut to like nighttime. If anyone has anything they want to ask Madeline, or anything they want to talk about with any other PC, go for it.

Olivia
Uh, just for the, this is uh, Olivia, not Hannelore. I know, I know Hannelore is quite rude, but I am excited to be on this mission with you guys. Just for the record.

Hallie
I'm really excited you guys are on this mission.

Olivia
Alright.

Hallie
It's going to be great! Okay.

Cassidy
It's very exciting, no matter how in impassive Eraf may seem.

Emily
All my feelings are real.

Olivia
[Laughter.] Hannelore is calm, she just takes certain things seriously. Just happens to be the most of the subjects you brought up she takes seriously.

Cassidy
Might as well get them all out of the way.

Hallie
Okay. Uh, if no one has anything specific want to talk about or do uh, we can cut to nighttime and we'll say you pulled over to, um, set up camp for the night.

Olivia
Okay.

Cassidy
Did we find to be like a McDonald's equivalent? Basically?

Hallie
Uhh, Anastasia gave you provisions, in addition to the cookies--

Cassidy

Ooh!

Hallie

--she would have given you like the classic like -

Cassidy
Okay, so I didn’t actually have to -

Hallie
Yeah, like a bread and apple type stuff that travelers always get in fantasy films--

Cassidy

Cool.

Hallie

--but better because Anastasia’s cool.

Olivia
And from the future, uh, so… [Laughter.]

Hallie
And from the future.

Cassidy
She's kind of a queen, so yeah.

[39:53]

Olivia
So the van actually has side doors that pop open. Uh, you can sleep inside of it, but it's better set up to be like adjacent to where you're camping. Uh, so sh- uh, once you pull over, uh, Hannelore turns the engine off, turns the, turns the music off and she starts to unravel everything to get the camping thing set up, so she pops up the roof, the roof kind of raises, um, so that you can stand inside the van, the doors open up and she unfurls uh, a long canvas, uh, sort of tent thing that hangs out over the front of the van. So it's like the tent is sort of like the porch and the van is like the room and she is uh, getting, probably getting a little bit of a fire together. Is there fire in the future?

Hallie
Ig specializes in it.

Cassidy, Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Alright. Hannelore is soberly collecting firewood and stuff and like she's got some provisions and things then she's putting it all together. Uh, she has, she -

Cassidy
I'd also be collecting.

Olivia
She does, uh, she does have a, uh, uh, a futuristic lighter that she's pulling out though, Ig and she's raising the lighter towards the, she's reaching for the -

Emily
Ig like, leaps forward.

Cassidy, Hallie and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Emily
Takes a flying leap, and doesn't actually like grab anything out of your arms because that's very rude. But she was mostly just because she couldn’t quite jump far enough, but she almost, she just like -

Olivia
She just what? [Laughter.] You just, you leap from wherever and land belly first next to me?

Emily
Yes [Laughter.].

Emily (as Ig)
Wait!

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Yes?

Emily (as Ig)
Wait, no, I'm good at this! I'm good at this! Can I do the fire?

Olivia (as Hannelore)
[Uneasily.] Uh, yeah, I guess.

Olivia
She puts the lighter back in her pocket.

Emily
You've just made Ig’s life. Do I, will I need to roll for this?

Hallie
Um, I'm just double checking your sheet. You have, you just, are you just trying to like light the fire?

Olivia
Yeah, it's all dry kindling and stuff. I didn't mess around.

Hallie
Okay. Um, I'm going to say you can just do it.

Emily
Okay, awesome. I would like to light, like, kind of do an awkward flail whip.

Olivia
Still laying on your tummy?

Emily
I, I've stood up, with a flourish of course, dusted myself off.

Olivia
[Laughter.] of course.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily
And as I do my awkward flail, I whip, um, a, what you would recognize as a conductor's baton. I'm gonna whip it out of my pocket and point it at the, um, the kindling.

Olivia
The, the tinder.

Cassidy
The wood pile.

Emily
Tinder. Yeah. And, um, light a spark.

Hallie
It'll just light.

Emily
I would like to clarify that I did not actually use the conductor's baton--

Cassidy and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Emily

--to channel my magic. I just use my hand, but I like, I just wanted to look cooler by using the baton.

Hallie
You just had it out.

Olivia
Does Hannelore notice this?

Hallie
Yeah. You would notice this, Hannelore, she's doing it in front of you.

Emily
I don't, yeah, I don't actually have a magic wand.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
That's clearly a dipstick, fine.

Cassidy, Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
I dip it in things all the time!

Cassidy (as Eraf)
[Laughter.] That was an impressive bit of magic.

Emily (as Ig)
[Gasps.] Thank you! If you ever, if you ever want any magic ever, I can do it for you.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I will definitely keep that in mind.

Olivia
You’re so eager.

Cassidy and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Sorry. It's so funny. Alright.

Emily (as Ig)
Do you want me to show you a trick?!

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Uh, what kind of tricks do you have?

Olivia
I am not paying attention by the way, I'm just continuing to set, continuing to set up the fire. I -

Cassidy and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile I'm just like elbowing Madeline out of the way and getting the -

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
I’m fully invested.

Olivia
And getting the fire set up.

Cassidy
Yeah. [Laughter.]

Emily
I want to do a card trick.

Cassidy

Ooh!

Emily

And I am trained in card tricks.

Hallie
You are trained card tricks, however because card tricks can sometimes go wrong you will have to roll for this.

Emily
Yes.

Cassidy
Card tricks is a skill?

Hallie
Card tricks is a skill, one that Ig has.

Olivia
What a journey we're headed on.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Emily
I rolled a 16.

Hallie
16? Yeah. You, what card trick are you trying to do?

Emily
Um… [Laughter.] I don’t know any actual card tricks.

Hallie
Is it, is it like a guess your card, or is like a card now behind Eraf’s ear or something?

Emily
Yeah!

Hallie
That one? Okay. So Eraf, you will feel like, like a plasticky substance suddenly behind your ear, in your hair.

Cassidy

That's a little concerning the way you phrased it, but yes.

Hallie

It's fine. It's fine.

Cassidy

I’m gonna, you know, reach back and, I guess, pull this card from behind my ear.

Emily
Ig is going to clap like you did the trick.

Cassidy, Olivia and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Olivia

That’s great.

Emily (as Ig)
Good job! You're like -

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Oh, that's actually quite incredible.

Emily (as Ig)
Thank you! Thank you, you’re a magician just like me!

Cassidy (as Eraf)
[Laughter.] I wouldn’t call myself a magician, but…

Emily
And then, [Laughter.] because I am fully invested in impressing this person now…

[45:03]

Cassidy, Emily and Olivia

[Laughter.]

Olivia
She's found a mark.

Emily
I would like to roll to use my hedge to magic to... make the card fly around a little bit.

Hallie
Alright. Gimme a roll.

Olivia

[Laughter.]

Emily
15!

Hallie
Yeah. It’s flying.

Emily
Thank you, rollthedice.com. And then I wanna pull out of my bag my Oddity. Not the horrifying one, but the other one, which is...spectacles!

Hallie
[Laughter.] The good one. [Laughter.] The one that isn’t -

Olivia
Good God.

Cassidy
Oh jeez.

Olivia
It's a severed hand. What did you do, Ig?

Hallie
[Laughing.] It’s--you’re close, you’re close.

Emily
It’s not a severed hand. It’s worse.

Cassidy
Oh.

Olivia
A severed head?!

Emily
No. Um, anyway. My non-horrif- yes. My non-horrifying oddity is um, they’re spectacles that produce a fake image. Uh, so if someone puts them on, they see things that aren't there, so I'm going to pull them out and say,

Emily (as Ig)
Here, wait, put these on, look at this! It's like the best magic ever! And I don't even do it, but it's like, it’s kind of my thing.

Cassidy
I will hesitantly take them, put them on. Um, what do I see?

Emily
I don't know how that mechanic works. Hallie, do you choose?

[Tinkling, magical music begins to play.]

Hallie
Um, I definitely thought of this mechanic beforehand. Uh, it's kinda like one of those, uh, we agreed on this flavouring, right Emily? One of those like shutter things and you can press the button and then like a different picture shows up. Um, so it's kind of like that, but for you, there, the pictures are moving as if they're like in Harry Potter.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Wooooah.

Hallie
So you will see, um, a dinosaur that is curiously, next to a butter churn. Just like, chillin’.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
[Laughter.] Just like, poking it

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie
It's like investigating it.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Dear God.

Emily (as Ig)
[Stage whispering.] I think it might tell the future.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Um, mm, you know, that's a possibility, within the realms of possibi--uh, have you ever seen this sort of creature before or is this just uh, it’s interesting.

Cassidy
I’m just gonna hand them back. You know, try not to betray what I'm feeling with my facial expressions of absolute confusion… [Laughter.]

Olivia

[Laughter.] Just play it cool.

Cassidy

You know, try to continue to look pleased.

Emily
[Laughter.] I think, I think Ig notices just a little bit, but she's not going to let you know that she's noticed.

All

[Laughter.]

Cassidy
Yeah. Yes. It’s all polite. But she, will go ahead and say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)

It actually, it actually is all very impressive. Do you know when you learned that you can do all these things?

Olivia
The fire is getting hot enough that uh, I'm preparing to put food on it. There's some beans and some hot dogs from the future.

Hallie
Excellent.

Emily
Well that's wonderful because I didn't think too much about my backstory, so as I am asked that question…

Emily (as Ig)
Wow, food!

Hallie, Olivia and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
It's not ready, it's not ready!

Emily (as Ig)
But I want it! It looks ready!

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Just wait, it's not ready! [Exasperated noise.] Just hold your horses. Sit on your hands, okay?

Emily
She sits on her hands and stares.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You're doing great.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Alright. Because they’re futuristic hotdogs, we’ll call them hatdags.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Hatdags!

Hallie
Continuing with changing a single vowel in all of our words.

Cassidy
Oh, jeez.

Olivia

[German accent.] They’re the weiners!

All

[Still laughing.]

Olivia
Hatdags. Oh yeah, these are Ballperk.

Hallie
Ballpark hatdags.

Olivia
BallPERK.

Hallie
Ballperk hatdags!

Olivia
These’re Ballperk hatdags.

Hallie
Madeline will pipe up and be like.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Ugh, Ballperk hatdags are my favorite.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Madeline.)

Well, they’re my second favorite.

Hallie

[Trying not to laugh.]

Hallie (as Madeline)

Mekk n choos is my first favourite.

Cassidy
Oh, okay. [Laughter.]

Olivia
Can't have everything. Here, uh, Madeline, here, hold the plates while I'm taking the, the hot dogs off. So I’m putting them on the plate on her hands.

Cassidy
Ketchup?

Olivia
There's about, uh, I'll say there's about seven.

Hallie (as Madeline)
You got buns?

Olivia
Uh, yeah, I pull out a sack of buns. They're slightly dented, but they are fine.

Cassidy

[Laughter.] Oh jeeze.

Olivia

They're actually called buens. They're slightly green, but they taste exactly like regular hot dog buns.

Hallie (as Madeline)
How about uh, uh--

Olivia (as Hannelore)

--Condiments?

Hallie (as Madeline)
Ketsup?

Olivia
Yeah, there is a small, it's like military rations of condiments. So like the ketchup packets and stuff, were, like, it's like, she's clearly scavenged for these like at other restaurants. So it’s like little packets of ketchup and little packets of mustard,

Hallie
Like how you take packets from like Wendy's?

Olivia
Yeah, it’s Wondie's, uh, McDarryl’s and uh, that kind of thing.

Hallie
Alright. [Laughter.]

Hallie
Perfect. Madeline will look at the ketsup in disgust.

Olivia

[Laughter.]

Hallie

And move to go to the mastord, and then just put so much--

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

--mastord on her hatdags.

All

[Laughter.]

Olivia
Alright. Easy does it, I only have so much.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Because mastord is the proper way to eat a hatdag.

Olivia
That's an opinion. Alright. Uh, she offers them to the rest of y'all. Do you want, do you want one?

[50:00]

Emily
Yes, I, I grab it, realize it's hot--

Hallie and Emily

[Laughter.]

Emily

--nd just like, look at it like it's kicked me for a second.

Olivia
I’m gonna snag it out of your hand and put it in a bun and then hand it back to you.

Cassidy and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Ig)
Thank you.

Olivia (as Hannelore)
It's hot. It'll bu--fire. Fire makes things hot.

Emily (as Ig)
[Sheepish.] Thank you.

Hallie (as Madeline)
Shouldn't you know that?!

Hallie
Madeline will say.

Olivia
I'm gonna to turn to, to Eraf and hand the bun first and then ask,

Olivia (as Hannelore)
You want to, you want one?

Cassidy
I will just do it politely. Say,

Cassidy (as Eraf)
Oh yes, absolutely. Thank you.

Cassidy
Um, go ahead and take my bun and my hatdag, or my beun.

Olivia
Oh, scheisse.

Cassidy
And I will put ketsup--

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

--on my hatdag. [Laughter.] Honestly, I would prefer if there was like chili and cheese, but obviously we're on a budget.

Olivia
Slightly agreed. Equally delicious.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)
Uh, it's, it's, it's military cheese. Uh, you're welcome to it, but you can do the shopping next time, alright bud?

Olivia
Alright. I a, I’m sorry, this is elaborate, but I'm covering the hot dogs with tin foil and uh, the beans are almost done. Uh, everyone has their own little can.

Cassidy

Aww.

Olivia

Uh, and pass them to everybody, like with little wrappers around them, like little cloth socks almost.

Cassidy
Ah, jeez. [Laughter.]

Olivia
And then very carefully to Ig,

Olivia (as Hannelore)
This will burn your mouth, so just be careful.

Olivia
And everyone has a little fork. Just a little metal fork. It's more like a spork really, a sperk.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Sperk!

Cassidy
I don't think that's like a copyrighted thing.

Hallie
Are there s’mears?

Olivia
S’mears?

Hallie
S’mears?

Olivia
There are some. There are also napkerns.

All

[Laughter.]

Emily
I think they probably just have napkins.

[Outro music begins to play.]

All

[Still laughing.]

Hallie

Napkins, we don’t need--

Olivia
You don't think that needs to be updated, like there's not different napkin technology in the future? It's a long time, guys. This is a big timeline.

Emily
[Laughing.] I thought it was a copyright thing.

Cassidy

[Laughter.]

[Outro music intensifies and fades.]

Olivia
Hannelore just gives up a little nod.

Cassidy (as Eraf)
I'm happy to provide my services to the country once again.

Hallie
Anastasia is beaming and her hawk will go like “ca-caw!”

Emily and Cassidy

[Laughter.]

Hallie
Make hawk noises.

Cassidy
[Laughter.] I don’t think hawks go ca-caw.

Hallie
This hawk does! [Making hoarse, cawing “rawr” noises.]

Cassidy
This is a weird hawk.

Emily

[Laughter]

Olivia
It’s sickly.

Cassidy
[Laughter.] Yeah, it’s got a cold.

Hallie
It’s fine.

[Episode ends - 52:38]

Olivia Hoselton

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