Ep. 3: Jack's Beanstalk, Part 3

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

The beans, the beans. Last time I said I may share the backstory of the beans but may not, and the reason behind that is… well, there’s not much story to tell. Jack found the beans the same way one stumbles across anything in the Eighth, Ninth, whatever world it was. She stumbled upon it.

While at the time she hadn’t thought much of her magic beans, they had become a stable, “the” staple of her adventuring. The effect every time was random, but Jack always felt as if that randomness was somehow on her side as if it were directed by some council she couldn’t see.

Piper did not care for the beans. He claimed it was concern for Jack, although she always had her suspicions that he was a little jealous and a little concerned that it would make him obsolete. She didn’t bring it up, though. Teasing plus truth could, as both of them had learned, easily lead to trouble.

But, after all, she was the hero, the jack, and so when the day needed saving, and the day always need saving…

[Rolls.] …she rolled a perfect 20.

[Ambient mysterious music begins.]

I want you to think of your favorite movie. Start playing it in your mind over this monologue. Then think of your favorite food, think of its texture, its taste, its smell. Think of the feeling of a warm hug, the wetness of spring shows. Throw in some mouth sounds, a couple of video game bleep-bloops, and pat your head and your stomach at the same time. This is not what Jack felt, but it’s the best way I can think of describing what it is to experience everything at once.

She covered her eyes and saw colors thought impossible. She plugged her ears and heard whispers from millions of years long past. It was intoxicating and terrifying in equal measure. Time, to Jack, was uncountable in these moments, but after some time she eventually was able to eke out…

Kyle (as Jack) 

[Stammering.] Giant… come out.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And everything stopped.

Kyle (as ???) 

[Bellowing and good-natured.] Oh-ho-ho! Is that how you see me?

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

Jack felt as all the sensations moved away from her and spiraled like a tornado up into a cloud-like beard of a large gentle-looking man. Through the cloud, this “thing” spoke.

Kyle (as ???) 

That would explain why no one comes to visit, I suppose.

Kyle

Jack’s curiosity was rivaled only by her defensiveness, and this accusation quickly drove her back to her senses.

Kyle (as Jack) 

Okay. Hey now. You look like a giant, so… Of course, senses can’t be trusted in the, um… I don't even know where I am. I don’t even know where I am.

Kyle (as ???) 

Hmm. Yes, that is a curious question.

Kyle

The giant stroked his beard, seemingly also not sure of the answer to Jack’s question.

Kyle (as Jack) 

Alright. Well, if you can’t tell me where “here” is, can you at least tell me who you are?

Kyle (as ???) 

Me? Oh, of course! I am, um… I am…

[Long pause.] Everything? … Meh, I suppose Everything is alright.

Kyle (as Jack) 

Everything? You’re everything?

Kyle (as ???) 

Oh, right, well, if you want other words, that’s perfectly fine. Uh… everything, infinity, unendingness, all. I am All.

Kyle

With that, the giant spread his arms, and like doves extending from a magician’s sleeves, sounds, sights, smells extended from the ends of his wrists. Jack was mesmerized. There were many questions she could ask, primarily of which being how could this being be everything but also not know everything, but also take the form of a giant, but also wasn’t she just outside, and…

Kyle (as All) 

Slow… down.

Kyle

All, responding to questions that he had not been asked, reassured Jack.

Kyle (as All) 

I am happy to show you the answers to all your questions, but first…

Kyle

The giant crouched down and extended his hand to Jack.

Kyle (as All) 

…I need to know where you would like to start.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Down on the surface, Piper had also waited an indeterminant amount of time, although for his it was more impatience than anything else. He did not like these beans. He did not like them at all. He did not, he did not… you know, he always—

Jack always wanted him to explain why, and he just didn’t like it. Look, she’s zonking out, she’s just zoning out. Who knows where she is? She could be one million years in the past, or think she is, but she’s just standing there catatonic, and…

Piper’s mind stopped as he saw metal shards extending from the end of Jack’s fingernails. Despite Scrat’s protests, he raced to Jack’s aid, but every time he reached out another shard extended from her body in just the right way to block him intervention. Before he could think of any other strategy or any other method… pop, Jack was gone.

Kyle (as Scrat) 

[Clicks.]

Kyle (as Piper) 

Cool. Yeah, I know! I know, Scrat. I know she’s gone, but we can figure this out. You know?

[Forcing a smile.] She doesn’t need the beans, she needs a Piper, and it’s Piper’s time to be the big fucking hero.

Kyle

There was just one question that troubled Piper’s mind.

Kyle (as Piper) 

How exactly do I do that?

Kyle (as Q-BO) 

[Bloop.] This episode has raised many questions with many possible answers. However, the question I would like you to answer today is: What is Piper going to do next, and how will he become a big ‘effing’ hero?