Ep. 9: Hop's Troublesome Trio, Part 1

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle (as Cory) 

Alright, chucklefucks, let me tell you the story of Elee Badge.

[Mystical narration music begins.]

Elee Badge was a simple housewife living the idyllic life in the Beyond with a husband so sickeningly perfect that when he sung his clothes would dance with him. She could have spent forever here, but forever exists for none of us.

[Emotional.] One day, Elee’s perfect husband was taken from her.

Suspecting foul play, Elee knew she had to rise up. She took the home the two of them had built together and she literally nailed it into her bones before going on a decades-long quest so full of anger and vengeance she had forgotten the lost love that had sparked it all.

Until one day Elee met a princess from a faraway land, one that didn’t replace the hole her husband had left but sprung new love that she never thought could blossom. With this power, Elee was able to move on, to build, to fight and to stop a really rad world-ending cloud of spiders… like, bad, but you know, kinda cool. It was a big cloud of… Anyways.

[Music ends.]

Elee was a lover, she was a fighter, she was a hero, but above all that…

[Sobbing.] She was my grandmother.

Kyle

The brunette teenage girl who had been so boisterously presenting on her makeshift stage suddenly broke down in tears. With one hand she reached to her massive blue cloak and dragged it across the body, and with her left she took the matching top hat and covered her face so that no one could see her tears.

Kyle (as Cory) 

Because, that’s right, I am whatever you would call an orphan for grandparents.

[Sobs.] My grandma Elee, right before she passed, she took me by the arms and she said Cory, Cory, my legacy will live through you if you can get others to listen and to share my story… and to buy a set of commemorative collectible coins made out of the metal in my bones.

Kyle

And with a whoosh, the girl who was still collapsed on stage whipped open her cloak and inside was a collection of perfectly arranged small silver coins labeled The Commemorative Elee Badge Badges.

Kyle (as Cory) 

[Emotional.] They’re very affordable!

Kyle

As the girl crumpled even further on stage, making sure to keep the cloak that had her merchandise as high and clear as possible, the crowd around her, which had been moved to tears, rushed towards her, practically drowning the girl in condolences and more importantly in cash.

Then, once everyone had left, the girl stood up, wiped nonexistent tears from her cheeks, and turned back towards her display, a meticulously amateur collage of pictures of the late Elee Badge.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Ahem.

Kyle

At the sound of a very familiar throat clearing, the girl stood up straight and, not turning around to the voice, said:

Kyle (as Cory) 

I’m sorry, we’re all out of product today.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

[Measured.] Cory.

Kyle

Upon hearing her name, Cory stood up just a little bit straighter and her pupils got a little bit smaller.

Kyle (as Cory) 

I, uh… I don't know anyone by that name, sir.

Kyle

She said, waving her hand, trying to make the voice leave as if she were brushing off a fly by her. But the voice grew only louder and sterner.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Coriander Scotch!

Kyle

Finally, after an eternity of standing still, Cory slowly turned around.

Kyle (as Cory) 

[Dragged out and nervous.] Oh, hey… dad!

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

In front of her stood a middle-aged man dressed in aggressive cowboy attire but wearing a face that was more of a beleaguered father.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Cory, you can’t keep telling people Grandma Elee is dead.

Kyle (as Cory) 

I don’t, uh…

[Chuckles nervously.] I don't know what you’re talking about, dad.

Kyle

Cory lied, her hand pawing behind her to tear down the “rest in peace, Elee Badge” display.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

[Long exhale.]

Kyle

Cory’s father let out a deep sigh before gingerly taking down the last photo that Cory had failed to pull down.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Cory, you have two grandmothers and they’re both fine.

Kyle

Cory defiantly stared at her father, took the photo that he had taken down, put it back up, and then took it down herself before saying:

Kyle (as Cory) 

Well, do you know where they are right now?

Hallie (as Hopper) 

No, I don’t, Cory, because Grandma Elee and Rei said they couldn’t make your sister’s boostball game, so they’re off doing something, but you, you said you would be there, and you’re here, which isn’t there.

Kyle (as Cory) 

Ah, I see.

Kyle

Cory placed a downcast look on her face.

Kyle (as Cory) 

So she’s missing, then. If she’s missing, she might as well be dead.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

[At the same time and same cadence.] “She might as well be dead.”

Kyle (as Cory) 

See! See! You agree with me.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

No. I’ve just heard this excuse so many times I can repeat it word for word. Ugh.

Kyle

Cory’s father let out another sigh, although this one was filled with more sadness than frustration.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Cory, it’s your sister’s last boostball game before regionals. Don’t you wanna be there for them?

Kyle (as Cory) 

[Very dragged out.] Uhh…

Kyle

The answer was no, it was very definitively no, but she couldn’t tell her dad that. No, Cory had to think of a different way to tactfully retreat from the situation.

Kyle (as Q-BO) 

[Bloop.] It seems like the easiest solution would be for Cory to just attend her sister’s boostball game, but as it seems like she doesn’t want to do that, my question for you today is: How will Cory successfully get herself out of this situation with her father?