15. Die Card

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the Under the neighborhood roleplaying system. I am Kyle, he/him, and today I, my four best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about how unwanted guests can really muck up a party.

Ari

Hello. I am Ari. I am playing Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, he/him, the opportunist who adapts. And I am Ari, she/her.

Emily

I am Emily. My pronouns are they/them. I am playing Irene Hawthorne, the Necromon Trainer who overextends, and her pronouns are she/her.

Tom

Hi, I’m Tom. My pronouns are he/him. I am playing Hilda Miszkiewicz, the, um…

Emily

[Whispering.] Guardian.

Tom

I haven’t pulled up my—

Emily

[Whispering.] Guardian who pulls pranks.

Tom

Is it just—? I feel like I’m forgetting something, but that’s Cypher System. No, it’s just the guardian who pulls pranks, right?

Kyle

Yeah, just the guardians who pull pranks.

Tom

That’s right, okay. Okay great. I’m like “where is my descriptor? I can’t find it!”

[Laughter.]

What’s a name? What’s a name?!

Hallie

I’m Hallie, she/her, and I am playing Sparky Malarky, the intuition who investigates, also she/her.

Kyle

Perfect. Now that you know us, and now that you know our characters, it is time for us all to know what is going wrong in their lives today. We’re gonna do the Slice of Life Complication, the mundane thing that for today’s episode probably won’t be the main impetus but will just be bothering “somebody” as other things happen.

Ari

I am giving this complication to Sparky. It’s just that your light is out in your house. The electricity is out for some reason.

Hallie

In my trailer.

Ari

In your trailer house.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

Her van is getting fixed, and now her trailer is breaking.

Emily

So what you’re saying is that, once again, Sparky’s coffee maker is broken.

Ari

It sure is.

Hallie

Strangely, it’s the only thing that works.

Kyle

Something I’ve realized in a recent episode, Sparky actually has two coffee makers.

Hallie

I do have two coffee makers.

Kyle

So, if this ever actually comes to pass, you will have double the trouble.

Hallie

Mine is for Quique. Quique has a gift card to somewhere and he doesn’t know how much is left on it, and he cannot get through the help call to be like “what’s the balance on my gift card.” No one will tell him what the balance is.

Ari

Oh god. That sounds like a nightmare.

Hallie

It is! It is a nightmare, speaking from lived experience. You get to choose wherever the gift card is to, though.

Ari

Probably some weird antique shop that doesn’t really deal with gift cards that often. So it’s like, “I don’t even know how to check, sir. Please stop calling.” But Quique really needs to know if he can buy this new boat—a ship in a bottle.

Kyle

When Quique goes antiquing, does he call it anti-Quique-ing?

Hallie

No! I’m making that joke, for god’s sake, in the chat.

Ari

Quique goes anti-que.

Hallie

Anti-que~

Ari

He would say that.

Tom

Excellent.

Kyle

Alright.

Emily

He IS an anti-que.

Ari

He is also an anti-que, but he won’t say that.

Kyle

All of those clones at least are very anti Quique. … It’s the same letters. … It was forced.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Tom or Emily, your thing.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I just got it.

Ari

I got it from the get-go, but I was not going to—

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

I have a question for Tom.

Tom

Yes?

Emily

How messy is Hilda’s room?

Tom

Medium.

Emily

Okay.

Tom

Medium messy.

Emily

Yeah. Hilda has something stuck in her hair.

Ari

Oh no!

Tom

Ooh!

Ari

That’s so gross.

Tom

No~! Like, sticky or tangled?

Emily

Sticky.

Tom

Ew~! Hmm… I might X-Card that just for the stickiness.

Kyle

What if it’s something non-sticky? Like, somehow bits of the shredded homework that Booker keeps eating just got stuck in her hair, so every time she messes it more pieces of paper fall out.

Emily

I’ll do you one slightly further but not to the point of sticky or uncomfortable. There’s just little bits of shredded paper whenever she tries to function. She unfolds her socks for the day, paper! She opens her backpack, paper! She goes to pour herself some cereal, paper!

[00:05:00]

Ari

Yeah! I was thinking that. I feel like I have seen that gag before, but I don’t remember where.

Tom

This might be worse, but I won’t X-Card it.

Emily

You really also can also X-Card that…

Tom

Oh, no, I know I can.

Emily

…because my other one is a little kid called Sparky old.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Wait, what?!

Emily

And she can’t stop thinking about it.

Hallie

Say that to my face, you limp noodle! What?!

Emily

A little kid called Sparky Malarky OLD.

Tom

Was that little kid Irene Hawthorne?

Emily

Irene’s not little.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Yeah, how little are we talking?

Tom

A kindergartener has called Sparky old.

Emily

Yeah, not like a preschooler where they don’t really know what they’re saying. This child knew what they were doing.

Hallie

Like an elementary school child? Like…

Emily

Seven?

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Sparky maybe was just hanging out—Because all the schools in VPS are next to each other. Maybe Sparky was hanging out because she was gonna do stuff with Hilda after school, and a kid walked by and is like “mommy, is that old lady someone’s grandma?”

Tom

No, better yet, walks up and asks Sparky “are you someone’s grandma?”

Hallie

[Laughs.] I was gonna say.

Kyle

I’ll go one further. Confuses Sparky for her grandma.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh god.

Tom

Anyway. I know I can X-Card it, but I do not see a need to X-Card the paper. I’m just thinking how unpleasant that would be to have bits of shredded paper everywhere.

Emily

Everywhere.

Kyle

I feel like that would work really well for this session too, but first, Tom, what’s your pitch?

Tom

I had spent this time deciding who the hammer should fall upon, and I decided this one was indeed for Sparky Malarky.

Hallie

God damn it, guys.

[Chuckling.]

Tom

You are enrolled in a very critical raffle for a priceless Snowflake Jake postcard, but rather than just auctioning it or selling it like normal people, you’ve got a raffle. You’ve got to actually turn in and buy your ticket at a very specific time which is two hours from whenever we start or something like that.

Hallie

I want the Snowflake Jake.

Kyle

Alright. Here are our complications. Sparky’s house light is out, which I think has changed to just the electricity is out in general.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Quique has a gift card for antiquing, but he does not know how much is left and no one will tell him. Hilda has a bunch of paper whenever she opens something. Sparky wants to enroll in a raffle for a Snowflake Jake postcard, however she has to turn in her ticket at a very specific time. And then finally, a kid confused Sparky for her grandmother. Which of these are we feeling right now?

Tom

I really like the finding paper everywhere. I feel like that will be a good annoyance.

Ari

I was also going to vote for that one because it seems that, Kyle, you also have an idea on how to tie that in anyways.

Hallie

I also vote for paper, but I would really like the chance to one day get the Snowflake Jake poster, because that’s in my head now so I must have it.

Tom

I would also like to see that happen, if only because I love deadline complications.

Emily

I really like the poster, but I think that the paper fits in nicely.

Kyle

Alright. As we discuss what’s happened since last time, let’s just assume that there’s a steady increasing flow of paper…

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob…

Kyle

…just on Hilda’s floor, showing the passage of time.

[Upbeat recap music begins.]

Last time we all saw you, you went to Necromon Dueling Camp together. It was Camp Lagoon, owned by Sparky’s friend Chazz Casey. During that time, Sparky talked with Lucas and Chazz about the fact that she couldn’t get her Necromouse out, and she had a bit of a revelation of maybe, you know, I’m a bit of a hassle.

Hallie

Maybe “I’m” the asshole.

Kyle

Hilda and Quique told a story about something scary in a lake which Walnut was determined to find because dae thought it was the most powerful Necromon in the world, or a really strong one. Hilda stopped daem and Walnut got real fucking pissy about it. Irene meanwhile was not there because Irene tried to follow, got lost, ran into Rasputin who made a dark deal with her saying I can point you to the right direction…

Hallie

I will give you this Boidelrat to show you the right direction, and now she just has this Boidelrat.

Emily

Yeah.

Tom

[Amused.] A Boidelrat.

Kyle

…but in exchange, Irene owes the mysterious figure who gave her that Boidelrat an undisclosed favor in the future. So, that’s all what happened last time.

[Music ends.]

But since that time…

[Slower and deliberate.] Bless my soul, Hilda’s on a roll. Person of the week in every Valley opinion poll. What a pro, Irene could stop a show. Point her at a trainer and you’re talking SRO.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh my god.

[Cheerful music begins.]

[00:10:00]

Kyle

The tournament has been going on. It has been a time. Maybe it’s been a month, maybe it’s been multiple months, I haven’t really decided, but the point is, Hilda and Irene, you have continued t progress in the tournament. In fact, you have made it to the finals. You are part of the final four.

Irene, you’re the best in the world, right? You’re the greatest Necromon Trainer of all time, so it’s been easy for you. Hilda, it’s been uncomfortably easy for you… but you’ve progressed, I guess. Speaking of, Hilda, you had a bit of a revelation about the tournament and your thoughts on it last time. I want to know how has Hilda been handling that?

Tom

I don’t think Hilda has been trying to do poorly or anything like that, but she has definitely shifted her attention away from the tournament and is now just focusing more on spending time with her friends or exploring or just hanging out with Booker as opposed to training and all of the nonsense that accompanies.

Kyle

Spending time with your friends has been going relatively alright. Walnut was weird for a couple of days but shifted back up to daer generally perky attitude. That being said, and I don't know if you would have noticed this or not, Walnut does not make it much further in the tournament. In fact, dae pretty much stops talking about it after the camping trip.

Tom

Hmm.

Kyle

In fact, you don’t find out from Walnut that dae didn’t go forward, you find out from Freddie.

Tom

[Emotional hum.]

Kyle

Besides that, what has been going on in all of your lives?

Emily

Irene’s been bonding with her Boidelrat that she just has now.

Kyle

Yeah. Is the Boidelrat covered in trash or is it like a moss rat now or…?

Emily

I mean, it’s still trash because that’s sort of where it stemmed from.

Tom

That is part of its body.

Emily

Yeah. But now there’s little grass chutes poking up around the trash.

Hallie

Aww.

Emily

And little tiny blue flowers.

Kyle

Adorable.

Emily

They have actually really bonded well. It’s still, you know… this was given to her by some kind of dark sorcerer in the woods, and that’s still a little bit hanging over her head with this Boidelrat, but it’s hers now and she loves it.

Kyle

Have you made a close enough connection that you don’t have to use the Necrocard anymore or are you still—?

Emily

Is that okay?

Kyle

Actually, give me a general Hearts roll. Let’s see how it’s been going.

Emily

Oh no. I don’t want to do that.

[Rolls.] A 5 and a 4.

Kyle

A mixed success. We’ll say it takes some time to get used to this Boidelrat.

Tom

I have another option as well, if we want to just have it be an unmitigated success. I have a move that is relevant for this called Take One for the Team. Once per adventure, I can increase the roll of an NPC or fellow PC to a 10, ignoring stats, and in response the game master is able to hold one hard move that targets my character in particular. So, if you want, that can just be a full success.

Emily

I don’t want to use up your important rolls for…

Tom

But you see, I do want to use it.

Kyle

How do you, Hilda, help Irene bond with her Boidelrat?

Tom

I just kind of assumed that Hilda was going to be helpful by just being friendly in the background. In a Homestuckian sense, a Pal Leader, not actively directing anything but just inspiring people by being nearby. What that actually looks like is probably just, like, Hilda is playing with Booker and maybe also with some of Irene’s ‘mon if they’re allowed to wander around by Booker.

Emily

They do what they will.

Tom

And whether or not Irene is willing to admit this, this inspires her to do something fun with the Boidelrat.

Kyle

Then, the hard move—which may come up this adventure, may not—will relate to the fact that…

[Music is replaced by scary musical sting.]

We just flash to Walnut standing in the corner, just looking at the scene, and then the little Telltale reminder pops in the corner and it just says “Walnut will remember this.”

[SFX ends and music returns.]

Tom

[Yelps, amused.]

Kyle

One other question for Hilda. Where did you put that blank page that you got a couple of sessions ago from Booker? Have you done anything with that?

Tom

I may be remembering incorrectly, but last session, wasn’t the plan to have Quique examine it?

Kyle

That was the plan, but you never actually did that.

Tom

Can I have done that in the meantime, or would you rather we act this out in-session?

Kyle

No, I think that’s fine. So you would have just walked up to Quique and had him do some analysis on it?

Tom

Yes.

Ari

What was it?

Tom

This is the blank page that is presumably the one ripped out of Booker.

Ari

Oh.

Tom

And Hilda is very suspicious because of where it came from, but also doesn’t want to keep something away from Booker that would be good for him, and just wants to know if this is good or bad for Booker.

[00:15:00]

Emily (as Booker)

[Quietly.] Rekoob…

Ari

I want to say that, to analyze it, Quique would do the exact sequence of events that Basil of Baker Street does…

Hallie

Yes! Yes!

Ari

…when looking at that one paper in the beginning.

Hallie

The nestle, the porter, and he puts it through…

Ari

[Laughs.] Great mouse detective. Yeah.

Hallie

The tubey-tubes that are like tied together. Yes. Yes, yes, yes!

Ari

He does all of that.

Hallie

Eee!

Kyle

I imagine you probably have Hilda there for some of it, right?

Ari

Oh yeah, yeah, he would explain to Hilda what he was doing.

Tom

Hilda will be there. Hilda is an apprentice now.

Hallie

Hilda tries to speak and he’s like “shh, don’t speak.” That’s what Basil does to Dawson. That was a very specific reference.

Kyle

The experimentation definitely takes time. It takes… let’s say, hypothetically, whatever amount of time this time-skip took.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Nice save.

Kyle

Quique, I want you to roll me to Understand. We’ll just do a +1 since Hilda has been helping you.

[Music fades.]

Ari

Okay, roll to Understand.

[Rolls.] That’s a 9.

Kyle

Okay, mixed success. So, Understand… You understand something, but then I will hold another thing, like another aspect of it you don’t understand. What is your question about this paper?

Ari

I feel like that should be a question from Hilda because she asked.

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Yeah… Would it be harmful to Booker to return it to him? I’ll settle on that.

Kyle

I will say… I’ll just give the simplest answer I can. No. It is not harmful.

Tom

[Relieved.] Okay. Ooh boy. I thought you were saying the opposite, “no, it is not safe.”

Ari

I thought you were saying “no, I won’t tell you that.”

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

For the sake of intrigue, we will say that Quique maybe found that out, but you don’t have the page back with you yet.

Tom

Okay.

Kyle

We can say maybe Quique has it on his possession and can bring it to wherever you are today.

Tom

Interesting.

Kyle

I will say, I am still keeping in the mixed success for Quique, because there are specific things he could have learned about the paper that he has not, things that in fact only Quique could have learned about the paper.

Ari

Oh.

Tom

God damn it.

Kyle

But he does not have that information anymore.

Tom

[Gritted.] I’m so… [Grunts.]

Kyle

Then finally, finally, one last thing before we get into our session. Sparky, your car is finally back from Hellish Impound.

Hallie

That was my question! I was gonna ask, is my car back.

Kyle

You know how I said I’d save a hard move for that?

Hallie

No…

Kyle

Well, here’s the hard move. One day your car appears, and when you walk up, with a burst of flames the receipt for it appears. It’s $0. He said he was gonna do it for free.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

But, on the receipt are listed four things that they did, and the rest of us are going to go around—

Hallie

No!

Kyle

—and mention one thing that was fixed or that was improved on your van by Hellish Impound.

Hallie

No~

Kyle

I’ll start with the one that was already listed. It can now go in reverse.

Tom

I’ve got a really good one. The cassette deck has been replaced with a CD player.

Hallie

Agh! No! Not my cassette deck.

Ari

One thing that has been… not even “improved’ I think is that the car can now go at maximum speed, which is not necessarily that much of speed, but before the accelerator really didn’t work that much, so she really couldn’t floor it. Now she can floor it to the normal standards of that car.

Hallie

Maximum speed~

Kyle

Oh god. It’s the worst, though. It’s like when you’re used to driving a car that can’t brake and then you get a car that, when you tap the brakes, it stops immediately.

Tom

Mm-hmm. Awful.

Kyle

Terrible.

Hallie

Just constantly like (screeching and swerving sounds).

Kyle

So many close calls since then. Alright, then Emily, finally, what’s the final thing that’s been fixed by this car?

Emily

They reupholstered your interior.

Ari

Oh!

Tom

Does it have a different texture now? The new upholstery.

Emily

Different texture, and a different shade.

Kyle

It’s got that new car smell.

Hallie

[Groans loudly.] I don’t like it.

Kyle

Alright. With that multiple months’ worth of catching up done, let’s get to today’s adventure.

Irene, we’ve looked at everybody else’s house at some point. We saw Quique’s house when it was being attacked by the Kingpecker, or at least his home in the Valley. We haven’t seen his home in the Hereafter yet. We saw Hilda’s room when she was getting ready for school on the first day, and we saw Sparky’s little trailer thing a whole lot of times. I think the final description length for that is like five minutes in the final episode.

We haven’t started with yours. So, I want you to describe your room, but I want you to start by describing how Irene feels when she opens her eyes and wakes up from an afternoon nap.

[Dreamlike electric guitar music plays.]

Emily

There’s that general slightly-disoriented “I just napped for a while and now it’s a different amount of light outside.”

[00:20:00]

Her skull hurts, and underneath her skull hurts, and then outside of her skull hurts. It’s bright, and she’s tired, and she’s a little bit crabby. When she swings her legs over the side of her bed, she wiggles her toes and tries to stretch out her knees. When she stands up, she feels a little woozy but then she’s fine and she very carefully makes her bed so that it is perfect. The blankets are perfectly flat and tucked in. Her pillow is fluffed up.

Her room is pristine. Everything is very nicely lined and perfectly placed where she likes it. There’s plenty of comfy places to sit down, and blackout curtains, and some really nice calming things in there. None of them are used. Her blackout curtains are open. Her furniture is positioned nicely but has not been sat on, and there are a lot of plants.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And every time, Earl’s just like:

Kyle (as Earl)

Well, alright, let’s try another one. You know, the doctor just says we have to use as many methods as we can.

Emily (as Irene)

Or, we could do no methods.

Kyle (as Earl)

Irene…

Emily (as Irene)

I am fine. Goodbye, father, I must train.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

As you’re thinking about that, suddenly—whoosh, the comforter on the bed flies open and you hear…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

[Childlike whimsical music begins.]

Kyle

…as the little Boidelrat, which had been snuggling in bed with you, jumps out, spilling some of the plant stuff from the trash all across the bed.

Emily (as Irene)

Why are you always like this?

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Emily (as Irene)

Sit!

Kyle

It sits.

Emily (as Irene)

Stay!

Emily

She tries to brush off some of the dirt and remakes the bed.

Emily (as Irene)

Okay.

Emily

She lets it run around again.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

The Boidelrat starts running around, running past all of your other Necromon.

Emily

She closes her eyes for a little bit and just breathes.

Kyle

You can feel the voice just pounding in your head.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

[Under a squeaky migraine-like audio effect.] Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Emily

It’s so loud.

Kyle

What’s your Boidelrat’s signature stat, actually?

Emily

Maybe Slick because it’s speedy and high-energy?

Kyle

Okay. This Boidelrat has gotten very, very good at sneaking into places, because you know, it loves trash. You know how cats will sometimes bring you dead birds? The Boidelrat rushes past your other ‘mon and starts digging around in your closet to grab miscellaneous things to grab to you.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I love it so much.

Tom

[Amused.] The Boidelrat.

Kyle

The Boidelrat.

Hallie

Such a good little Boidelrat.

Kyle

What are the other ‘mon doing?

Tom

The Mossies just sort of, like… they don’t really stare because they’re moss balls, but they just sort of molt every time the Boidelrat is running around. They’re the pouty pet who doesn’t like that there’s a new cat in the house. Sometimes they’ll just go up to Irene and very lightly nom on her.

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm~

Tom

Clearly annoyed, just complaining.

Emily

She’ll scratch their little heads.

Tom

This makes them very happy.

Ari

Mallea is another one of those pets that doesn’t like the new pet, but instead of being just grumpy and not doing anything, it’s the one that would bork or something like that, and then you pet. So, he’s just like…

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

…reprimanding the Boidelrat when it starts running around so much.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope!

Hallie

Pokeyo’s cries earlier were because they are greatly affronted by the Boidelrat’s behavior. Pokeyo has got a very sharp and proper vibe going on. They’re in training to be a chef, so they can’t mess around anymore.

[Laughter.]

This Boidelrat is gonna ruin it with its Boidelrat-ness.

Kyle

You hear a muffled…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

…as the Boidelrat comes out from deep, deep in the back of your closet.

[Music ends.]

You can see that she’s got between her teeth one of the most impossible to find things hidden underneath a bunch of miscellaneous stuff you don’t think about. A little, cheap, usually bought from the hospital kind of cane.

Emily (as Irene)

This is not a good fetching tool.

Emily

She pulls it out of its mouth, replaces it with a stick, and stuffs it back in her closet.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat is still happy because she got to give you something.

Alright. You hear a little knock, a little gentle nervous knock on your door and a:

Kyle (as Earl)

Irene, sweetheart, your ride is here.

Emily (as Irene)

[Long exasperated groan.] Fine.

[00:25:00]

Emily

She grabs her bag and walks gingerly out, scooping up her different Necromon. I’m trying to figure out what she would be doing with the Boidelrat and where it would reside.

Kyle

Yeah, because the rest of them are small enough that they’re just on your shoulders or in your pocket, but this is like the size of our dog Dusty. This is a 20 pound possum we’re talking about here.

Tom

I think the possum might need a bag.

Emily

Yeah, I think the possum’s in the bag. Part of what the moss balls were angry at is because they were supposed to be the ones who were allowed to ride in the bag whenever they wanted.

Tom

Oh no…

Emily

So she has switched that to arguably the more desirable riding in her pockets, but the fact is still – even though in any other situation that would have been their ideal – now that they can’t be in the worse version of that, they’re very upset.

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm… see-sawm!

Emily (as Irene)

Well, maybe if someone would teach it how to turn small, we would not be having this discussion.

Tom (as Mossies)

[Indignant.] Sawm~!

Ari (as Mallea)

[Indignant.] Uh-lay-um~

Kyle

As Irene is saying that, she’s being jerked back because Boidelrat is just kind of fidgeting in the bag, occasionally lurching her backwards. Not intentionally, she’s just very squirrely.

Emily (as Irene)

[Straining.] Please stay still, little Boidelrat. Please.

Emily

And she like pats the bag.

Kyle

The Boidelrat is happy.

Emily

She puts another stick in the bag for it to chew on.

Hallie

Aww.

Kyle (as Earl)

That’s another new exciting friend you got there, kiddo.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes.

Kyle (as Earl)

You gonna bring them to the big party today?

Emily (as Irene)

Since I have to go to the party, yes.

Kyle (as Earl)

Right. Yeah. So…

Kyle

Earl is just standing there, desperately trying to figure out what to say to you.

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you for your consideration.

Kyle

He has a big smile.

Kyle (as Earl)

No problem, kiddo.

Emily (as Irene)

I am not a child.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And at that, the doorbell rings.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh. Well, your ride must be here.

Emily

Irene cringes at the sound.

Kyle

Both physically and emotionally, I’m assuming.

Emily

Yes.

Kyle

Yeah. Do you get the door before Earl does? Because Earl will slowly shuffle towards the door.

Emily

[Laughing.] Irene crosses her arms and does not answer the door.

Kyle

Earl opens it up, and the conversation goes as it has gone every single time.

[Sinister piano music begins.]

Kyle (as Earl)

Well hello there, uh… hello there, son.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Greetings, Earl.

Kyle (as Earl)

Let’s get in for a hug. Oh, okay, a one-handed hug. That’s fine too. Irene! Irene, your brother’s here.

Emily (as Irene)

[Flatly.] Great.

Kyle

With his face looking down at you, you see in the doorway… big brother Elliot.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Hello there, sister.

Emily

She does not answer.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Elliot)

Are we going to go or…?

Emily (as Irene)

Fine.

Kyle

You get in the car. I’m assuming you’re gonna move the bag so it’s on your lap?

Emily

Um, at the very beginning, maybe.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

It’s a nice car. It’s sports car adjacent. Nice four-door, completely black, perfectly polished. Your brother, who did not open the door for you, I want to specify, gets in, sits down, turns it on, and without saying a word to you starts driving.

Emily

Irene lets out the Boidelrat.

Hallie

Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Emily

In Elliot’s really nice car.

Hallie

Yes!

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

She just starts booking around, searching for something to give him. You know what… she isn’t trying to, but I’m gonna roll to Take a Swing to see if I break something.

[Rolls.] Alright, that is a 5. So, the Boidelrat doesn’t break anything, but she lunges onto his seat.

Kyle (as Elliot)

AH!

Kyle

He turns it and moves it back, and then she jumps into the back seat and starts running around sniffing things, trying to dig for stuff. Not doing much damage, because it’s a very nice car, but she’s trying to find something. Elliot, without turning to face you, says:

Kyle (as Elliot)

So, I see you got another one.

Emily (as Irene)

Oops. She got out.

Kyle (as Elliot)

You know, you should have a better handle on things like that. I imagine even the most pedestrian Necromon Trainer would at least be able to do that.

[00:30:00]

Emily (as Irene)

High level Necromon Trainers have an understanding with their Necromon the likes of which someone like you cannot understand.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Hmm.

Emily (as Irene)

It is important for us all to understand our limitations. This is one of yours, one of many.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Elliot)

You know full well, sister, that a Hawthorne is not supposed to have “limitations.”

Emily (as Irene)

And yet you do.

Kyle (as Elliot)

I suppose you’re right. I suppose that I do have a failure, in that I do not see being a terrible Necromon Trainer as some sort of inverse way of being a spectacular one.

Emily (as Irene)

No, it is because people do not like you.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Ah, yes.

Emily (as Irene)

I think that you can come across as abrasive, because you are the worst.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Right. Friends. I’ve been seeing your duels. You’ve been relying on them more lately.

Emily (as Irene)

I do not agree with that assessment, but as you do not come to many duels, I can understand why it is very difficult for you to understand what happens throughout one of these duels.

Kyle

He sits there and he ponders what you say for a moment.

Kyle (as Elliot)

I suppose they just have not left a strong impression on me. I do intend to be there for the championships, though, so please do make them exciting.

Emily (as Irene)

My duels are always exciting.

Emily

She makes a little grabby hand at the Boidelrat to come and sit on her lap.

Kyle

The Boidelrat immediately jumps in and jumps down, and it brushes past Elliot and drops some of her dirt on her and trash, and he stops, looks down, disdainfully wipes off some of the dirt, and says:

Kyle (as Elliot)

Well, look at that… we have arrived.

Emily (as Irene)

Finally.

Emily

Irene says, who could have walked away right then but felt like she needed to get the last word in.

Kyle

As you leave, we notice him be like:

Kyle (as Elliot)

Finally? What do you mean by fin—

Kyle

And the door shuts on him.

[Childlike whimsical music carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Just like Elliot drove Irene to the party, the announcement break will drive you to the next part of this episode. That was an incredibly forced and lengthy announcement break to Elliot which nobody ever wants to be associated with, ever, but here we are, in the announcement break.

This is the announcement break for Die Card, Part 1, and this is gonna be Part 1 out of 4. The next two adventures, this one and the next main adventure after this, are going to be a bit of longer ones. The next one because it’s the finale of this first arc, and this one because it just got a bit out of hand. So again, this is Part 1 out of 4.

For today’s call to action, I want to talk about our five-year anniversary stream we did a couple of weeks ago. We did that back on September 25. We had an absolute blast. If you missed it, you can find a recording on our streaming channel, but the part that I want to talk to you about today is that, during that stream, we played a game called TKO in order to, as I joked, make Quest Friends’ new official merch. Except that wasn’t a joke, because we made some.

I Crave Violence is the name of the next greatest masterpiece on the Quest Friends merch store. It’s an adorable little gremlin zombie drawn by Emily with the text “I Crave Violence.” There’s not much more to it than that, it’s just a fun little shirt that we are releasing today, and I really like it. I’m probably gonna get something with it. So, I encourage you to check it out, and if you find it cute, maybe get something.

Again, financially for us, not nearly as big of a deal as support on Patreon or anything like that, but it’s a fun design so I wanted to make sure you knew about it.

Today’s promo is gonna be for another podcast called Us Weirdos Have to Stick Together. Us Weirdos Have to Stick Together is an Owl House reaction podcast that has gotten through The Owl House except for the upcoming episodes, so now it is also a She-Ra reaction podcast. I guested on there a couple of months ago, and then I’ll be doing an upcoming bonus episode with them in a couple of weeks.

But, as I often say, don’t just take my word for it. Let’s listen to the promo from the creators themselves.

[Promo begins.]

Patch

Hey Chloe.

Chloe

Hey Nobody.

Patch

Do you want to watch some gay cartoons?

Chloe

Boy howdy.

Patch

Do you want to talk about it on the internet?

Chloe

Sure, I got nothing else going on.

Patch

Do you want to record those discussions and put them out in weekly episodes?

Chloe

[Chuckling.] Why not?

Patch

I’m glad to hear it, because we’ve been making that show for almost a year now.

[00:35:00]

We’ve already done episodes about all of The Owl House that’s out so far, and now we’re working on going through She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. You can join us at Us Weirdos Have to Stick Together to hear us talk all about cartoons and their very gay content.

Chloe

And we do have at least some good experience of that considering we’re queer ourselves.

Patch

That’s very true. We’re just a couple of non-binary weirdos talking about queer cartoons, or cartoons that should be queer depending on network interference… or cartoons that aren’t queer at all but we want them to be. Come join the show and join at @UsWeirdosCast on Twitter or wherever fine podcasts are sold.

Chloe

Sold?! Who sells podcasts?

Patch

Uh, we do now.

Chloe

[Laughs.] This is news to me.

Patch

But seriously, it’s free, and we don’t do any ads, so I think for now there’s nothing much left to say but remember…

Patch & Chloe

Us weirdos have to stick together.

Patch

Bye~

Chloe

Bye~

[Promo ends.]

Kyle

So, if that show sounds interesting to you, you can find it at usweirdoscast.podbean.com, you can find it at @UsWeirdosCast on Twitter, and of course you can find it by searching Us Weirdos Have to Stick Together on whatever podcatcher you’re currently listening to this show on.

That’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode is actually going to be this year’s Halloween special, so I hope you will join us for the Daemon Delivery on Monday, October 31. I’ll see you then.

[Dreamlike electric guitar music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

And you walk in… to the ScubaCorp International Necromon Championship Finals Gala.

[Champion dance music begins.]

It is a few days before the championships. The four finalists of the ScubaCorp International Championship are going to face off, and to celebrate, ScubaCorp has hosted a mandatory-for-finalists celebration.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

It is at the top of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper which towers so tall that you cannot see the top of it through the clouds. For the most part, it’s a tower, a gigantic thin piece, although you can see there are, like leaves on a branch, jutting out giant arenas where the tournament will be held. They’re still doing “some” work on it.

Tom

Is the top just exposed to vacuum? People in spacesuits building the last parts.

Kyle

Yes. They are, as Tom alluded to, currently working on the more vacuum of space parts. Your party however is on the… let’s say 300th floor. Why not? Your party is on the 300th floor. It is one of the highest ones before they get to construction, and it is where the headquarters of ScubaCorp are. These are actually close to Oset Scuba’s offices.

[Music ends.]

So Irene, you get in one of the elevators. You can just feel gravity absolutely lose you. That internal thing in your ear that keeps you balanced just goes all out of whack as you shoot up hundreds and hundreds of feet in the sky in a matter of seconds. When the door opens, you find yourself in a really nice space.

[Relaxing classical music plays.]

It is a wide square room. There is a spiral staircase leading to the executive offices above. There is a bar on the side, lots of people mingling in their fancy gala outfits. In the center there’s actually a little Oik pond that has a bunch of Oik in it and has that blue light that surrounds the Necromon arenas just gently purring and humming in it, keeping these Oik connected to The Here. You know what? I’ll say they’re coy pigs since Oik sounds like oink.

Hallie

[Smiling.] I was gonna say that.

Kyle

They’re little coy pigs.

Hallie

Little coy pigs.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So, everyone was mandatorily invited to come here, you had to sign a little waiver, you know, all of that stuff. Every person who was invited got to invite a plus-one. Irene, did you invite a plus-one?

Emily

Absolutely not.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

How about you, Hilda? You are there. Did you invite any of, like, your moms or a friend or anyone like that?

Tom

Would either of Hilda’s moms or any of her friends really want to go to a formal party in the ScubaCorp headquarters?

Kyle

Um, let me think about that… Freddie, he’d have no interest. He likes people-watching, but it would be like you asked him to go to the mall. You’d get the same—

Kyle (as Freddie)

[Relaxed.] Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun.

Tom

The mall would be better than Oset Scuba.

Kyle

Yeah, basically. Walnut would pretend not to hear you and then claim that dae wasn’t interested.

Emily

Aww.

Tom

Oh…

Kyle

You don’t need to see a roll to know that that’s a lie. Then, your moms… yeah, they’re your moms. They’d be really excited. Yulia less so.

[00:40:00]

Yulia is a business woman, but she’s not a woman of many words. But Alina, yeah, this is kind of Alina’s jam.

Tom

Eh… you know what, yeah. If she would enjoy it, Hilda will invite her mom, Alina, as a plus-one.

Kyle

Okay. Alina is there, and she is dressed up in full—Like, I don't know if you dressed up at all, but she is full clown. Harder makeup, bigger clown nose, bigger pigtails, polka dot dress. She is fancy. She is dressed out to the nines in full clown attire.

Tom (as Hilda)

I’ve made a mistake.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Sparky! You were not invited, but…

Hallie

Au contraire, mon frère.

Kyle

…you did get a plus-one invitation from a Mr. Lucas Bang.

Hallie

That was where I was going. I was gonna be like “I’m Lucas Bang’s plus-one and I will fight you on it, even though you’re god.”

Kyle

You are.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

He knocked on the door. He sent you… Let’s say he sent you a formal invitation, and then you never responded because you’re Sparky Malarky.

Hallie

I don’t check my mail. I don’t have an address. You can’t find me!

Emily

That’s where the bills go.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

I was going to say, he delivered the invitation by hand at the door.

Kyle

Yes. Absolutely. He delivered it with that and then a little flowers, box of chocolates.

Hallie

Cute.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

And then finally, Quique. You are working. Among all the other things, there are a series of vendors, and one of them is Químicard giving out free samples of all of their cards. You’re not sure why or how, unless you have a reason you want to give, but you were very quickly volunteered to do this tonight.

Ari

Uh… I don't know. I don’t have a good idea as to why he was volunteered. Maybe because nobody else wanted to and he wasn’t paying attention when they did the nose-goes thing.

Tom

Classic.

Ari

Except they weren’t doing it for skeletons because that would be kinda rude.

Tom

He has no nose.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So yeah, that is where all of you are at in the party. Go.

[Electronic dance remix of classical music plays alongside crowd mingling SFX.]

Tom

Hilda, somewhat embarrassed, is going to flee her mom’s presence as soon as possible and just try to mingle away. She feels a little bad because part of the rationale was having someone who understood this place better nearby.

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

But, upon seeing Sparky Malarky here… I’m assuming Sparky is spending this whole time with Lucas Bang, right?

Hallie

Yeah. No, I’m with Lucas. With the Bang.

Kyle

So, you’ve been spending time with Lucas Bang. Maybelline keeps trying to get him to do things.

Hallie

Yeah, fuck her.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Oh, Lucas, you gotta do this~

Oh Lukie-Poo, we need you to sign some stuff.

Oh Lukie-Poo! You have some fans here, and we wanna make sure no one photo-bombs it.

Hallie

[Chuckling.] Oh-ho-ho…

Kyle

But Lucas keeps trying to brush her off.

Kyle (as Lucas)

I’ll come do that later, Maybelline.

Oh yeah, I know, Maybelline.

Kyle

All of that kind of stuff.

Tom

Seeing this, Hilda is going to glare a little bit.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

And then she’s going to head over to the punch table, take a napkin, hastily jot something down on it in pen, and then fold the napkin into a paper airplane and then just try to discretely sneak closer and fly the paper airplane to Sparky.

Emily

I have a question.

Tom

Yes?

Emily

Is Booker here?

Tom

Yes.

Emily

[Chuckling.] Booker tries to snap it out of your hand before you can throw it.

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker, come on.

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Unless you wanna bring it.

Emily (as Booker)

[Gasps.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Do you wanna bring it?

Emily (as Booker)

[Exuberant.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Okay. You just gotta take this secret message to the Boss. You can do it.

Emily (as Booker)

[As if nodding.] Rekoob.

Kyle

Alright, Booker, roll me Stealth.

Emily

[Rolls.] A 6 and a 4.

Several

Hey~!

Kyle

So that’s a full success.

Tom

Holy shit.

[Upbeat sneaky music plays.]

Kyle

Describe how the message secretly gets to Sparky.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Whispering.] Yes! Go, Booker. Yes.

Emily (as Booker)

[Whispering, motivated.] Rekoob, rekoob, rekoob, rekoob, rekoob…

Tom

I’m just picturing Booker just scuttling beneath people’s ankles.

Emily

Yeah.

Tom

Just skittering up until he can nudge Sparky.

Emily

Booker’s feeling cool. Booker’s feeling slick. Booker’s feeling like he is just a super spy. He’s doing a great job.

Hallie

Sparky doesn’t usually have this much access to free food and alcohol, so she is making the most of it.

[Chuckling.]

Her dress… Sparky doesn’t have nice clothes, but she would have gone to a Good Will or something before coming to this party. I don’t really know what she would wear, so I googled “Miss Frizzle formal” and didn’t get really good results.

[Laughter.]

but I did get some almost Nancy Drew type dresses. They look old-fashioned, but the important thing is that they have pockets. I’m gonna put some bread in my pocket. While Sparky’s just casually slipping things into her pockets, Booker either bites her while her hand is going down into her hand by accident…

[00:45:00]

Emily

By accident?

Hallie

Or Booker just bites her.

Emily

Would it be an accident?

Hallie

Yeah, she’d have it coming.

Tom

So the note says, “need to talk to you in private, urgent plans for ScubaCorp,” signed Hilda.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

What the cripes is this?

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Grumbles in thought.]

Tom

And then Hilda is just unsubtly in sight a few tables away.

Kyle

Just staring wide-eyed.

Tom

Yeah, just staring over.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I’m scanning for Hilda. The problem is that I don’t want to leave Lucas Bang unattended lest Maybelline exist in proximity.

Emily (as Booker)

[Quiet and pondering.] Rekoob…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Lucas, you remember my protégée, right? Of course you do, she’s one of the finalists, she was invited to the party. She’s over there. Let’s go say hi.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh! Oh yeah. That sounds delightful.

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbly sounds.]

Kyle

Hilda, you see as Sparky turns to you, but you also see as Lucas Bang sheepishly raises one of his giant hands, just as a hello wave towards you.

Tom

Hilda will awkwardly kind of wave back but also not be entirely able to hide, like, “oh… you’re here too.”

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Lucas Bang may or may not swiftly realize that he’s dragging a book along, because Booker has chomped down on his pant leg.

Kyle

This man has thick tree trunk legs. He does not feel a thing.

Emily

[Smiling.] That’s why I said may or may not have noticed.

Kyle

Alright. Yeah. You’re walking. He’s walking over, Booker in tow.

Emily

Booker is nothing if not loyal to Hilda. If she thinks Lucas Bang is at all mildly sketch or has narrowed her eyes in any way towards him, Booker will be there to kill.

Hallie

[Laughs.] As we approach, Sparky is gonna be like:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hilda! I’m so glad that you made it. You remember Lucas Bang, of course, International Necromon Championship, ScubaCorp guy.

Tom (as Hilda)

Mm-hmm.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And, um…

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, you don’t need to worry about… I’m just here enjoying the party like everyone else.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, he’s just here enjoying the party like everybody else.

Hallie

You know the way that dates will hold onto the other person’s arm like an escort? Like, when you’re escorting a lady. She’s the lady. She’s just kinda holding onto Lucas’s arm and she glances around for Maybelline.

[Giggling.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, he’s enjoying himself, and he finally has some time off… to not do things other people are asking him! Anyway. How are you enjoying the party?

Tom (as Hilda)

It’s kind of weird, to be honest. I don't know if fancy parties are really my thing. But, I was very curious to explore ScubaCorp headquarters because it’s such an interesting place that’s so very connected to Necromon, and Booker who is also a Necromon, and…

Emily (as Booker)

[Supportive.] Rekoob.

Tom (as Hilda)

I just thought this would be an excellent time to… maybe our only chance to see what it’s like inside here.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, that sounds—

Kyle

Lucas Bang, jumping in at the opportunity to get away from this overstimulating environment.

Kyle (as Lucas)

That sounds like a lot of fun. Actually, I have mid-level clearance, so I can help show you two around.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Would you really?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah!

Hallie (as Sparky)

I think that would be a great opportunity to see ScubaCorp mid-level clearance areas.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Lightly sighing, reluctant.] Yeah, that is actually a pretty good plan.

Hallie

I pretend not to hear the disappointment in Hilda’s voice.

Kyle (as Lucas)

I should tell someone we’re gonna head out, though, first.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh why bother?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, I can just… let someone know.

Hallie (as Sparky)

They’ll figure it out. They’ll figure it out.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Where is Maybelline…?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, you know what, I think she left… over there.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, that’s true. Oh wait! Sammy’s over there, though. Hey Sammy! Sammy!

[Awkward silly music plays.]

Kyle

He motions to this man. I mentioned Sammy Ester a few times, and every time I’ve said that he wears a hoodie under a comfortable rustic brown coat. That has not changed.

Hallie

[Giggling.] At the formal party.

Kyle

So, you see this figure in this coat with a little nametag on it that says “hi, my name is Sammy.” This possessed doll. I don’t think I’ve officially said he’s one of the dead. He’s like a possessed doll kind of dead. He walks up.

Kyle (as Sammy)

What do you need?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, well uh… could you just tell Maybelline that we’re gonna go around a little bit?

Kyle (as Sammy)

Oh, you’re gonna explore? Alright. Be careful though, the upper floors are still under construction, and nails are…

Kyle

He starts sniffling.

Kyle (as Sammy)

Nails are incredibly deadly.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Tom

So, before the end of this adventure, someone has to be killed by a nail.

Hallie

That’s how it is. You set that up.

Tom

That’s the law.

Hallie

You’ve set up Sammy’s nail, which is now the new name for Chekhov’s gun.

Ari

Sammy’s nail!

Kyle

Alright. Yeah, you got mid-level clearance. Is there a place you want to go with your mid-level clearance?

[00:50:00]

Tom

Obviously Oset Scuba’s office, but we can’t say that with the Aggressive Bandit here. Hilda is just going to suggest any way that seems secretive and places that could have secrets.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You don’t have like a library or anything up here, do you? I don't know. I don't know what corporations keep.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Lots of ledgers. But, there actually is a room. It’s not a library, but it’s kind of like a hall of previous Necromon Trainers. There’s some really cool stuff in there.

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh, that does sound cool.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Booker)

[Prodding.] Rekoob.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Actually, there’s a viewing lounge to Mr. Scuba’s collection, too.

Tom (as Hilda)

Ooh.

Hallie (as Sparky)

His collection?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah. I’ll go show you.

Kyle

And Lucas Bang walks off.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay…

Tom

I guess we follow.

Hallie

Yeah, off we go. While we’re walking, I want to do that stage whisper thing that someone else would be able to hear in person but they do in cartoons to be like “these characters are having a moment.”

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Hushed.] Sorry. He’d be with Maybelline all night if I didn’t just have him with me. But it’s working out, right? He can show us around. What was the urgency? What did you want to look at?

Tom (as Hilda)

[Hushed.] Oh. I just thought we could break into the ScubaCorp offices and find out what’s going on.

Emily (as Booker)

[Hushed.] Rekoob.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Hushed.] We were gonna get the big break in your story and maybe figure out why they had things for Booker.

Emily (as Booker)

[Hushed.] Rekoob!

Hallie

I’m gonna put a hand on her shoulder then.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m so proud of you. You’re at a fancy party to celebrate your champion-ness and all you think about is the scoop.

Tom (as Hilda)

I mean, it was a good excuse to get away. It’s very loud in there.

Emily (as Booker)

[As if nodding.] Rekoob.

[Electronic dance remix of classical music begins.]

Kyle

We’re gonna flash over, and the music is blasting. It’s fancy classical music, but maybe it’s like classical music to duel to.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Quique, you have a woman in front of you in full clown makeup who is just bombarding you with questions.

[Peppy clownish ragtime music plays.]

Kyle (as Alina)

Oh! This is such an interesting card here. So, exactly what materials is it made out of? I know this is not the first model that you made. This is many multiple models. Now, Hilda has been talking an awful lot about chemistry lately, and I haven’t been able to fully describe to her how all of the things in this card work, but I really want to—Oh, Hilda is my daughter. I’m so sorry. I did not explain that to you, sir. My daughter, Hilda, she’s one of the finalists up there. You can see her.

Kyle

She points to a sign showing the finalists, and you see a picture of Hilda, a picture of Irene, a picture of Rasputin in a wig that is labeled Titi…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Oh god.

Kyle

…and then a mystery guest, a mystery person.

Kyle (as Alina)

So, I just… I’m trying to connect however I can. You know how that is.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. So actually, I’m acquainted with your kid. She’s a pretty smart kid, in fact. I met her at a careers fair a couple of months ago and we have been talking about chemistry. I know that she’s also interested in alchemy. So, I may have also instilled more of her interest for chemistry. I am glad that she—

Kyle (as Alina)

Are you Mr. Quique?!

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, uh… ma’am. That is—

Kyle (as Alina)

Yulia and I have so much to thank you for. Do you need some money for the tutoring or something like that? We’ve always felt—

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, no-no, not at all. Please. I am doing it because I enjoy teaching kids and getting kids excited about these kind of things. You know, preparing the future scientists and all of that. I feel like we’re kind of running out of that in the current time. I really thank you for you thanking me. I’m really glad that you’ve seen a difference on your kid with my few tutoring classes.

Kyle (as Alina)

[Chuckles.] Well, she loves it. It’s gonna be on her track to be a future scientist, plus journalist, plus Necromon Trainer, plus whatever other additional thing she’s added this week.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, sure. I suppose she’s very, uh… she has a lot of hobbies and interests. I don't know about all of those other interests, but I can at least help with the chemistry and science part of her development for sure. Oh, you were asking about the card components. There’s a—

Ari

He’s gonna hand a little pamphlet where it talks about how are these things made with little drawings and explanations and stuff.

Ari (as Quique)

This has a lot of informational content on how these cards are made and the different materials that go into it that I am a part of the signing as well. Though, that is not all the things I do, but that’s probably some of the things that your daughter has mentioned as well.

Kyle (as Alina)

Well, you know how kids are these days, not telling her mother anything. But you know, that’s why I’m trying to learn without being obtrusive.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. You know, sometimes they get at that age where they stop talking with their cool parents or their cool uncles and they just, you know, feel like they know so much about the world, and their family members are so uncool all of the sudden.

[00:55:00]

So, basically, I understand the stress. I’m glad I at least was able to connect with Hilda in this.

Kyle (as Alina)

I understand that so well. Hilda’s been doing her own thing, and then her cousins—don’t even get us started on her cousins. They just act like we’re nothing nowadays. You know? I’m glad that Hilda still finds some adults cool, but we can’t all be hip and with the times like Sparky or anything like that. So you know, we gotta… I’m just really—

[Exhales in relief.] We feel seen right now.

Ari (as Quique)

I know Hilda has a lot of interests with a lot of different adults, and she keeps finding them cool, which is good, it’s fine. I just, you know, just a little… keep an eye on that Sparky lady. She can be some trouble now and again. Probably nothing, nothing too bad, Hilda can still go, but she can maybe be a bit of a derailing influence on this age where teenagers are finding themselves.

Kyle

Alina’s eyes light up.

[Upbeat silly music plays.]

Kyle (as Alina)

You know Sparky Malarky?

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, do I know Sparky Malarky.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Alina)

I’m so proud of her! I’m always telling her to make friends with adults, but she always just likes hanging out in that van by herself. I’m so… Now I really need to thank you. Helping out my daughter and one of my best friends. You really are a saint, sir!

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… yeah. Sparky’s one of your best friends. Yeah… Uh… you’re welcome, ma’am.

[Laughter.]

Sparky I feel like sometimes needs to spend more time with her other adult friends that aren’t me, so if you can also tell her to do that sometimes, that would be good for me as well.

Kyle (as Alina)

Listen. Mr. Quique, you and I are of the same mind about this. I’ve got your back.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Thank you. I’ve got yours as well…?

Kyle (as Alina)

Oh no!

Kyle

She reaches back and she pulls out from the back, as if pulling out a spine or something, pulls out a bit of confetti.

Ari

Oh. I thought you were gonna say that she pulls Quique’s actual hand. Like, “I got your back.”

Kyle

Yes! Yes, that’s what she does. She pulls out your hand and says:

Kyle (as Alina)

Oh no! I almost walked away with this.

Kyle

And she hands it back to you.

Ari (as Quique)

How did this get here? Hmm…

Ari

He’s just gonna stare.

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm. Alright, well, thank you ma’am. Say hello to Hilda for me.

Kyle (as Alina)

I absolutely will.

Ari (as Quique)

Do not say hello to Sparky for me, though. That’s fine. Just Hilda. Okay, thanks.

Hallie

I don’t like this alliance that’s forming.

Kyle

Anyways. Alina walks off and you notice, Quique, that this is a third hand.

Ari

[Laughs.] Oh god.

Kyle

You have both of your hands, but this is a third skeleton hand.

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm…

Ari

He’s going to start looking around to see if he finds another skeleton Quiclone in the vicinity.

Kyle

Roll me… We don’t really have a Perception, so we’ll do maybe Understand, just to see… the question being do I see another Quiclone.

Ari

Alright. Understand…

[Rolls.] That’s a 10.

Tom

Nice.

[Silly mystery music begins.]

Kyle

You see a figure, a very familiar figure, wearing the same outfit you are, looking around and looking down at a missing hand and then walking off behind a door.

Ari

Quique… He’s on his work hours, so he’s not—

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

I know. He’s going to send one of his hands to track that guy. Because, I mean, now he has an extra pair in case something happens to that.

Kyle

Do you have any AP? I will let you do this if you spend 1 AP.

Ari

I don’t have any AP.

Tom

Can I spend AP on Ari’s behalf to allow this to happen?

Hallie

I’m also willing to spend AP.

Ari

Oh, yes, thank you!

Kyle

I will say, if both of you spend an AP, I will just let it happen without a roll.

Hallie

Okay. I can do that.

Tom

AP spent.

Kyle

Yeah, your hand tracks this man perfectly. We’ve gotta make the clones unique, so let’s see. Eddie had a mustache. What is unique about this one?

[Music ends.]

Ari

Um… I mean, the unique thing now is that he doesn’t have an arm, but—

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Okay, yeah. One hand. This Quique looks identical to you, but he is missing his… let’s say left hand.

Ari

Sure.

Kyle

Perfect. You have a hand that is tracking him. This is a new ability skeletons have. Didn’t you know? They can send out their body parts. In the future, I will let you do this thing, sending out your body part, with a roll but without spending AP.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

But since this is your new “ability” for skeletons, I figured we should spend some AP for it.

Ari

That makes sense.

Kyle

Okay! Yeah. Irene, you’re here too. What are you up to?

[01:00:00]

Emily

As Quique is busy sending off his own hand, perhaps he is distracted enough to be startled when a human hand slams on the table in front of him.

Emily (as Irene)

Hello.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah, hello little Irene detective. How are you doing today?

Kyle

The noir music kicks in.

Hallie

God damn it.

[Jazzy bar music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

I am doing adequately. I have come because I saw from across the room that there is a bearable individual here. Congratulations.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, I can say the same thing for you, kid.

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you. Yes.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. So, you know, you can hang out in here. I am actually in the middle of another detective mystery. If you happen to see a skeleton that looks just like me but without this…

Ari

And he’s going to take the hand.

Ari (as Quique)

…let me know.

Emily (as Irene)

But you don’t have a hand…

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, that is correct, but mine is my right hand and this one would be on the left.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So, your replacement hand is also a left hand. If you can’t get your right hand back, you will have two left hands.

Hallie

Christ.

Ari

Yes. Correct.

Tom

Oh no.

Kyle

Perfect. Beautiful.

Ari

That would make me ambidextrous.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] I think you might have mentioned before that Quique’s ambidextrous, or that might have been Misha.

Ari

I don't think I did. I didn’t actually have—Well, he’s actually left-handed, but if he has two left hands, he would be ambidextrous, because both of them would be the left hand.

Kyle

That’s how biology works. You’re a skeleton. Biology is not a factor.

Ari

That is how biology works, in me, a neuroscientist saying this.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, you are a doctor. You are a doctor right now.

Tom

As of the airing of this episode.

Kyle

As of the airing of this episode.

Hallie

Mm-hmm!

Ari

As of the airing of this episode.

Hallie

That’s correct.

Kyle

Ah…

Ari

Anyways. Yeah, he says that to Irene. Also, there’s a chair or something, I imagine. Maybe there was somebody that was supposed to come and never came, so there’s a chair there. He’s gonna pull it out to Irene.

Ari (as Quique)

You wanna sit? My shift takes a bit to end.

Emily (as Irene)

I do not need to sit.

Emily

She says, and slowly, gingerly lowers herself into the chair.

Ari

Oh. Quique also perceptively pushes the chair forward so that she can sit without it looking like it’s an actual thing he’s doing.

Several

Aww.

Emily (as Irene)

I have been investigating why my brother is bad. It’s because he is a bad person, and no one likes him.

Ari (as Quique)

I know a thing or two about terrible relatives.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Flashback to Lionel before you’re leaving.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle (as Lionel)

Hey, Quique! You wanna go out tonight? I got an extra ticket to the bowling thing. You can be my plus-one.

Ari

He slams the door as he’s leaving to go to work.

Kyle (as Lionel)

I’m happy to work with you, too! I work at the same company! I also signed up.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, no, you know what, it was uh… somebody actually signed up before you. Oops. You don’t have to. You enjoy your bowling concert… thing!

Kyle (as Lionel)

I’ll tell the boys you say hi.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Kyle

Anyways. Yeah, we’re back to the present day.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

As you’re talking, Sammy Ester walks up to you, Quique.

Kyle (as Sammy)

Excuse me. Have you seen, uh… Have you seen Maybelline around? The presentation is about to begin and—

Kyle

He looks really nervous. If a possessed Raggedy Andy doll could sweat, he would be sweating.

Kyle (as Sammy)

I haven’t seen Maybelline or Mr. Scuba around anywhere, and… I can’t present again.

Ari (as Quique)

I’ve seen Mr. Scuba. He’s right here.

Ari

[Laughing.] And then I’ll show him one of the flyers that has Mr. Scuba’s face in the flyer for the cards.

Ari (as Quique)

Eh, no, just kidding. I haven’t seen him. Do you know who this Maybelline person is?

Ari

And turn to Irene. Because I don’t think Quique… She was in the theater, but I don’t think Quique even registered slash interacted with her.

Kyle

No. Your contracts would likely be with her, but that’s too high-level for you. She’s ScubaCorp’s number two, so she’s the kind of woman who would reiterate who she is and make a presence, but there’s no reason at all that Quique should remember her.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

She is the evil Sparky. I imagine Quique would not give a fuck about this woman.

Ari

Quique would think evil Sparky, like anti Sparky would be Quique’s friend, so the enemy of my enemy kind of thing.

Kyle

Alright, how about pink Sparky. We’ll call her pink Sparky.

Hallie

[Breathless, amused.] Pink Sparky.

Ari

Pink Sparky, okay.

Hallie

I don’t like this insult to me.

Kyle

In either case, no. I agree. Even if you had encountered her, I can’t imagine her as someone Quique would give a shit about remembering.

[01:05:00]

Ari

Yeah, I don't think so. So he would just ask Irene.

Ari (as Quique)

You know who this lady is? Have you seen this Maybelline person?

Emily (as Irene)

Yes, and I do not like her.

Ari (as Quique)

Alright. Well, I dramatically do not like her either. Sorry, Mr. Ester…? Ah, that’s just like the chemical compound. That’s a good one.

Kyle

He looks very confused. He doesn’t get the joke.

Emily (as Irene)

Ah, that’s a good one.

Emily

Irene repeats, not knowing what it actually is, but Quique agreed with her so now she’s agreeing with Quique.

Kyle (as Sammy)

[Uneasy.] Oh, right… heh. That’s great. That was a good joke. Well, if you see Maybelline—

Emily (as Irene)

Tell her to leave?

Kyle (as Sammy)

No, tell her to talk to me.

Emily (as Irene)

I am sorry for your loss.

[Tragic guitar music begins.]

Kyle

He looks deep into your eyes, and he has emotionless puppet eyes, but you can still feel the sadness in it.

Kyle (as Sammy)

Thank you…

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright, we’re gonna move to Sparky. You are in the library. It looks like a very futuristic, sleek hardwood floor, very cold metal shelving library filled with a bunch of archaic books because it’s a lot of really old stuff. Interestingly, this doesn’t have any direct light, which considering how old these things are actually makes a lot of sense considering what light can do. Instead, everything is controlled by this very light blue light.

When you walk in, you can see half of the room is that old stuff, but the other half is behind this impossibly thick glass wall. Inside of this wall is a room that is all white with the exceptions of the rows of blue light going around the edges. As you enter, you actually hear a deep dragon-like scream muffled behind the lights. Lucas actually jumps.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Ah! Oh… Oh, it’s just Mr. Scuba’s collection.

Kyle

Because, inside of that, there are a bunch of stands, and each of these stands has their own glass boxes that also have a bluish light in it. What you see are living moving Necromon.

[Sad ethereal sci-fi music begins.]

Far in the back you see this giant blue dragon with piercing white eyes. There is another creature fluttering around, it looks kind of like a fuzzy little ball with giant wings and adorable big eyes. There is a big orange gauntlet that is labeled Arm of the Forbidden One, and there are a bunch of other things too. There is this neighing giant bed and, next to it, a series of snakes built out of bedsheets.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Each of these, again, are contained in their own little container with blue light, and you can see the glass around them.

Emily (as Booker)

[Processing.] Rekoob…?

Hallie (as Sparky)

So, was this like a personal zoo, or… what’s the deal here?

Tom (as Hilda)

How can he keep them like this?

Emily (as Booker)

[Uncomfortable.] Rekoob.

Emily

Booker gently thumps against one of the things.

Tom (as Hilda)

Hey, you okay, buddy?

Emily (as Booker)

[Sympathetic, a little whiny.] Rekoob…

Tom (as Hilda)

Yeah…

Tom

Hilda’s gonna turn to Lucas Bang.

Tom (as Hilda)

Why are they kept like that? This isn’t right.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, um, well…

Kyle

Lucas Bang is kind of at a loss for words, but before he can say anything, you hear another door open.

Kyle (as Oset)

[Strong and bold.] So, what do you think of my collection?

[Music changes to sinister plotting ambience.]

Kyle

Turning over, you see a man, a young man.

Tom

Fucking teenager.

Kyle

He wears a ScubaCorp jacket, but it’s longer and it’s all black. This black reflects against his neon green dyed hair.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

He has a long golden octagonal device running up his forearm with a series of slits in it, which you would know from the little you’ve learned of this man are the way Oset Scuba releases his Necrocards.

Tom

As soon as he speaks, Hilda picks up Booker and holds him tight.

Emily

Booker squishes his little eyestalks down further.

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbles uneasily.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Are you the trainer for these Necromon?

Kyle (as Oset)

Trainer? I don’t participate in such frivolities. No, I am a collector, and this is my masterpiece… even if there are some pieces missing.

Kyle

He looks towards a shelf. You can see one of the things, instead of holding a Necromon in it, holds another blank page.

[01:10:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

You have no right to keep them this way!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Kyle (as Oset)

What is so different from this way than from keeping them in a card?

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbles.]

Emily

Booker kicks his little legs.

Tom (as Hilda)

Not every trainer uses cards. Even if they did, at least their Necromon get to move around, get to see the world. This isn’t right.

Kyle (as Oset)

Don’t get to move around? What really is so different between sitting here in my pristine collection where they are safe and secured than staying in some feeble little card, only brought out for the sake of battling.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob? Re-koob re-koob. Rekoob!

Emily

Then he kicks his little legs again, clearly explaining something very important.

Kyle (as Oset)

Necromon are dangerous creatures. We do them and us a service by keeping them safe.

Tom (as Hilda)

No. Necromon have bonds with their trainers. If you let all of those Necromon go, would they come back to you?

Kyle (as Oset)

Bonds… Heh.

Kyle

He puts his hand on the panel and his fist curls.

Kyle (as Oset)

In battle, in life, in death… nothing matters more than power.

Emily (as Irene)

[Grumbles breathlessly.]

Tom (as Hilda)

You’re a monster. I’ll see all of those Necromon free. I don’t care how.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Kyle

You can’t see it, but we have the evil in the reflection, an evil sinister smile as it all comes together.

Hallie

Yes, yes, yes.

Kyle (as Oset)

Well, how about we have a wager? The champion of the Intermortal Necromon Championship is able to take away anything from my family’s collection, and we have only been refused a few times.

Kyle

He gives a pointed look at Lucas Bang.

Kyle (as Oset)

But, as it turns out, we have an open slot. You see, the four champions were meant to be you, Irene Hawthorne, Titi Romanov, and Olga Romanov. Olga Never showed. So, that leaves an open spot for an enterprising youth or teen to participate in the tournament. As it so is, I am 19 years old.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob!

Hallie

It’s all come full circle.

Kyle (as Oset)

If you win, you can take as much as you want from my collection, but if I win, I am allowed to complete it.

Emily (as Booker)

[Huffy.] Rekoob.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Mr. Scuba, why do you want Booker so bad? Is it just because he’s rare and you like collecting rare things, or do you have a bigger plot?

Kyle (as Oset)

Simply like collecting rare things? How disrespectful. I am the world’s greatest collector.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, well excuse me.

Kyle (as Oset)

Do you know why my hair is green?

Tom

[Bursts into laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’ve never once wondered it a single time in my life. But yeah, tell me, why is it green?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)

As we all know, Necromon have a blue light surrounding them. They are simple creatures, mindless creatures, that can only say their names in reverse.

[Mysterious music box music begin.]

Now, there are more powerful Necromon, some from deep in the Afterworlds. We call those Ultra Necromon. But there are tales of Necromon from someplace even deeper, Necromon with green light surrounding them. You might call them Legends, I call them Legendary, because Legends—

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Snickers.] A very important distinction, sir.

Kyle (as Oset)

Legends suggests that they are not real. Legendary suggests that they are but they are simply so incredible people cannot understand them. Much like myself. I have spent years collecting these Ultra Necromon, and to be honest, I can wager them because they are but nothing to me. They are but stepping stones to something far greater.

Emily (as Booker)

[Aghast and indignant.] Rekoob!

Kyle (as Oset)

This hair is a reminder that my resolve is unwavering.

[Music ends.]

Emily

Booker looks up at Hilda. I’m trying to figure out how he tries to communicate this. He’s got his little legs, and he gestures to himself.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Emily

Then he gestures to the light.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob…

Emily

And then he throws all his legs out and waggles them around.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Emily

He’s trying to communicate that he’ll just break out.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Awww!

Hallie

Aw, Booker~

Emily

And then, if Hilda looks confused at all. he’s just gonna start over.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob. Rekoob… Rekoob!

[01:15:00]

Tom

Hilda has been staring straight ahead in a cold terror and just holding Booker tighter, but eventually she’ll look down, try and see what Booker’s pantomiming.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

While she will largely miss just about all of the intended message, she will at least get the resolve that Booker appears to be showing through the situation, and she’ll gulp.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well, I guess I have a new reason to be the champion.

[Music ends abruptly. Alarms begin blaring.]

Kyle (as alarm)

Security alert! Security alert!

Kyle

Suddenly, a giant metal impenetrable door slams down in front of the wall-sized window that was separating you from Oset’s collection. Irene and Quique, you also hear in the main lobby, the—

Kyle (as alarm)

Security alert!

Tom

Hilda’s gonna take the chance to run behind Sparky, just in case Oset tries something.

Emily

Irene covers her ears.

Ari

Aww… Quique would subtly try to shield her from the sound, and look around to see what the alert is from, if there’s a way to stop it.

Kyle

Oset actually looks confused.

Kyle (as Oset)

What manner of trickery is this?

Kyle

He turns and he looks to—There are a bunch of TVs surrounding, playing stuff, and he looks up at that at the same time Quique does. You see the screens flicker out.

[The alarms end.]

Before you see anything on the screen, you hear the music.

[Heist music begins.]

Kyle (as familiar woman)

Prepare for disaster.

Kyle (as familiar man)

And make it faster.

Kyle (as familiar woman)

To protect the world from stagnation.

Kyle (as familiar man)

To knock down those above their station.

Kyle (as familiar woman)

To denounce the evils of order and rules.

Kyle (as familiar man)

To pillage just a few of your jewels.

Kyle (as familiar woman)

Ronda!

Kyle (as familiar man)

Eddie!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh god. Why?

Kyle (as Ronda)

Team Clone, assemble your might.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Give up now, there’s no need to fight.

Kyle (as several voices)

That’s right!

Kyle

And the last “that’s right” you hear in a chorus, Irene and Quique, as coming out of little corners and crevices you see at least a dozen Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.

[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]

Ari

Oh my god…

Hallie

Oh my god. Oh my fucking god.

Kyle

As they all walk around, surrounding you, Ronda just meekly says:

Kyle (as Ronda)

Uh… yeah, this party is ours now.

Tom

[Laughs.]

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

And that will be the end of the first session, play-wise.

Tom

Exquisite.

Kyle

Because I at least wanted to get to the point where I revealed what the specific Die Hard was.

Hallie

I agree, and honestly, I think that should just be the end of the episode.

Tom

Yeah.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

I think that’s a strong-as-fuck ending.

Tom

It’s very strong.

Ari

It is, indeed.

Hallie

I’m so proud of your rewritten Team Rocket creed.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

So you had always planned Die Hard, and then when we did the detective episode you changed it to this?

Kyle

No, the Die Hard was new. What this originally was gonna be is this was gonna be a two-parter. It was gonna be Hilda’s Night Out and Irene’s Night Out. Basically, the first half of this was my original plan and the idea was actually gonna be that Oset was going to challenge Hilda in the moment and say “yeah fuckers, it’s time to duel.” But then Ronda and Eddie happened, and suddenly I just thought what if the Quiclones crash the party.

Ari

God.

Kyle

So no, specifically because you created Eddie, what was supposed to be a Hilda versus Oset Scuba episode still has that, because it’s important plot stuff to set up the finale, but is now for the second half “oops, all Quiques.”

Tom

[Laughs.]

Ari

God.

Hallie

And Team Rocket is the terrorists.

Kyle

Yep, Team Clone.

Tom

I’m so pleased by this.

Hallie

I’m really happy for Eddie and Ronda.

Tom

This is the best outcome. I’m so pleased that I finally get to meet them.

Hallie

Who wants to convince them to steal all of Oset Scuba’s collection? Just like we did with Q-BO but better this time.

Tom

Oh yeah. Even before ‘who it was’ was revealed, my plan was always to cooperate fully. Like, unless this Hans Gruber was somehow worse or directly threatening the lives of everyone here, I’d be like… eh.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

I’m pretty sure the only one of you he hates—No wait, he does hate Irene too.

Tom

Hilda will protect Quique and Irene.

[01:20:00]

Kyle

You get into the car. You put the bag in the back and all of that. It’s a nice car. It’s one of those things—

Emily

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Kyle

Oh. Sorry, no. You keep the bag on you, right?

Emily

Yeah. I’m not gonna put my dog in the trunk!

Kyle

Yeah, I fucked up, sorry.

[Laughter.]

Alright, so you get in the car—

Tom

X-Card time.

Kyle

[Delighted.] He’s got a little Necrosnail.

Hallie

[Delighted.] It races really fast, like Turbo, that movie that came out a million years ago that nobody ever saw.

Tom

Turbo?

Hallie & Ari

Turbo!

Kyle

It’s a racing snail.

Hallie

It’s a racing snail, man!

Ari

Yeah. Did you never hear about Turbo? The movie about the racing snail.

Hallie

It’s a B-level animated movie.

Tom

[Reading.] Turbo movie… 2013?

Ari

Yeah!

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

Ryan Reynolds was Turbo?!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Yeah! Get with the time.

Tom

Snoop Dogg and Samuel L. Jackson were in this movie? Ben Schwartz was in this movie?!

Ari
Yes! And yet nobody saw it or cared about it.

Tom

Paul Giamatti?!

Hallie

Not a single person saw it.

Tom

I didn’t… I didn’t know about this. 2013? We were… what?!

Ari

Yep.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. If she comes by here, I will make sure to let her know. Good luck, ethyl acetate.

Ari

Then he’s gonna be like:

Ari (as Quique)

That’s funny because that’s an ester too.

Emily (as Irene)

Ha-ha-ha!

Kyle

Hearing about another Ester, he thinks about his brother Dean and cries.

Hallie

[Sob-laughs.]

Kyle

Okay everybody. This is crappy mic Kyle because I’m using my HD webcam. We’re doing that because Tom has a formal apology he would like to make in the post-credits of this episode.

Tom

[Sighs.]

Kyle

We’re gonna kick in the music which we are allowed to use.

[Tragic piano music begins.]

Tom

We have that permission from Rob TotalusRankium.

Kyle

Yeah, we have the apology music from Totalus Rankium. So Tom, what crimes do you have to confess to today?

Tom

I need to confess. Last night, during the initial part of this session, I said that Hilda did something in a Homestuckian sense during the early bits, talking about the connection with the Boidelrat.

Ari

I googled it and didn’t find anything.

Tom

Yeah, so I fucked up the term. I combined it incorrectly. I said “Pal Leader,” and that is not correct. The correct term is “Friend Leader,” or alternatively, “Pal Honcho.” I have lost all of my credibility as a Homestuck scholar and I will be tendering my resignation effective immediately.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob? Rekoob…

[Emotional.] Rekoob. Rekoob!

[Flatly.] Rekoob.

[Enthusiastic.] Rekoob!

[Quiet and contemplative.] Rekoob.

Quest Friends!

Future in a Flash