18. Die Card (Part 4)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

As part of Sparky’s “investigates” descriptor, Hallie gets to choose a mystery to solve.

Kyle (as ???)

[Ethereal voice.] Protect the rutabaga… or the world ends.

Kyle (as Lucas)

I was able to talk to Mr. Scuba. But he did give me this.

Kyle

It is a page ripped out of a book.

Emily

Booker starts chewing on the page.

Hallie

[Yelps.] AH! No, no, no!

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker, I don’t think you should eat this right now. We need to—

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

We need to research it first!

Ari

To analyze it, Quique would do the exact sequence of events that Basil of Baker Street does when looking at that one paper.

Hallie

Yes! Yes!

Kyle

Then you get a text that just has a very, very different tone to it. “This is Overseer Cold. Tell me everything you know.”

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat’s excited yell echoes throughout the empty sterile back hallways of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper as she excitedly prances forward and backward, going a little bit ahead of you and then back to you, and then a little bit ahead and back.

Emily (as Irene)

Shh! Shhh!

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

[Quietly.] Tarledoib.

[Less quiet.] Tarledoib!

Kyle

She nuzzles.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Unlike Oset Scuba’s office which was… maximalist is the friendly term someone would call it, cluttered as fuck is what most people would call it.

Tom

[Laughing.] Maximalist.

Hallie

Marie Kondo would not find it a soothing place to be.

Emily

Does not spark joy.

Hallie

Does not spark joy!

Kyle

These back hallways don’t either, because they don’t have anything that sparks joy.

[Threatening ambient sci-fi music begins.]

It’s completely empty barren wall, just a little bit of humming residual light, like a not-very-good fluorescent lighting going throughout the walls. Like a gamer computer, essentially.

Tom

God.

Hallie

Yeah~

Kyle

But besides that, it’s completely empty pure sheer metal, probably because Oset thought it looked cool. It feels cold.

You keep walking, and eventually you see a light at the end of the tunnel. You can hear some muffling as Eddie, Ronda and some third person, again another Quiclone, just start talking to each other.

Kyle (as Ronda)

I don't know, I think that’s a bit harsh, don’t you think, Eddie?

Kyle (as Eddie)

My dear Ronda, you have a heart of gold. Unfortunately, the people in this crowd have no regard for gold. They are elite snobs who do not give anything to others. Our benefactor, however, they are most generous indeed.

Kyle (as Ronda)

I guess they are pretty nice. I mean, that’s how we met, right? Yeah? I think it was my birthday, wasn’t it?

Kyle (as Eddie)

Yes Ronda, although every day with you feels like a birthday.

Kyle

And yeah, they’re just talking as you all walk up to the room.

[Music ends.]

I described this room previously, but to re-summarize it…

[Sad ethereal sci-fi music begins.]

It is a sterile room with white walls. One of the walls had a glass window on it which has since been blocked by a metal barrier that Oset had automatically go down when intruders were detected. Inside of the room, a collection of rare and powerful Necromon are kept not in cards but instead in glass boxes, each of which has a blue light surrounding it like the light of a Necromon arena.

The room itself is also illuminated by this light, a wide blue light that surrounds the entire room. You can actually see as you come in, a thin blue aura surrounds Irene’s Necromon and Babcia Ania’s book similar to how it would when you would go into a Necromon arena.

Emily

A little curl of paper pokes up from the book.

Several

Aww…

Tom

Hilda’s going to give the spine a long scratch and then burst out, balloon sword raised, and shout.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Prepare yourselves! You have exactly ten seconds to explain what you’re doing here before this entire room starts to flood with pie cream.

Kyle (as Ronda)

Ah! What was that? Oh… Oh hi!

Tom (as Hilda)

Clock’s ticking!

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle

Ronda turns over, this woman with a translucent face and bright plump nose and a tuft of orange hair that’s curling out from half of a Phantom of the Opera mask.

[00:05:00]

She waves to you. Eddie takes five of those seconds to slowly turn around.

Kyle (as Eddie)

[Claps slowly and dramatically.]

Ari

[Chuckling.] What the fuck?

Kyle (as Eddie)

I was wondering if you would make your way here. Our benefactor was certain you would, although I must admit I had my doubts.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

I had my doubts you would ever get out of that card.

Emily

Irene says, stepping out from behind Hilda.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Oh…

Kyle

He takes a step back.

Kyle (as Eddie)

You’re here too, I see.

Emily (as Irene)

Hello, old friend.

Kyle

He sneers under a mustache.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Hello… detective.

[Laughter. Dramatic noir music begins.]

Hallie

In the background, Sparky just puts her hands up. Is this what it’s like for Hilda not knowing about the Quiclones?

Ari

I want Quique to also show up there.

Ari (as Quique)

Hello again, Eduardo.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Oh…! Aurelio. Well, I must say I am very surprised to see you. Don’t you have some Slap Chop Samurai or something like that to watch at home? You know, getting embroiled in all this is much too much excitement, isn’t it?

Ari (as Quique)

Well, watching that has given me plenty skills for me to take you on if necessary. You could ask some of your other associates. Oh wait, some of them have been knocked out by me.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Eddie)

[With sarcasm.] Oh wow, a copy got knocked out. An imitation of a sad old man got knocked out by the sad old man. How terrifying!

Kyle

When he says that, the bandit Quique, the one that’s in the ski mask and the thieving gear, looks up offended at Eddie. Eddie just looks down and says:

Emily

Aww!

Kyle (as Eddie)

Oh, not you, you’re great. Just go back to work.

Kyle

Then he turns back to you.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, considering you’re one of them, I think you should be pretty worried.

Kyle (as Eddie)

As I told you last time, Aurelio, I am not a copy. I have ascended to greater purposes.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah, sure you have. Sure you have. Keep telling yourself that, Eduardo.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Thank you for acknowledging that.

Ari (as Quique)

I said keep telling yourself that. I didn’t say that I acknowledged it.

Kyle (as Eddie)

The point is, I regret to inform you that this has nothing to do with you, so you can just be on your way. Go back home. Let me take care of this. It won’t get in your way at all.

Emily

Another little curl of paper pops up.

Hallie

Sparky’s just taking it in. This is the most information she’s ever gotten out of Quique.

Tom

I had a thing I wanted to do while they were monologuing at each other. Hilda wanted, while they were talking, to just go over to the other Quiclone in the ski mask and poke him with the balloon sword.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Hey, so um… what are you actually doing here? You can’t go back to thieving yet. The timer still stands. What’s going on?

Kyle

I’m just gonna say you do it. Eddie is gloating. He loves his monologues. You don’t even gotta roll for that.

Hallie

Good for Eddie.

Kyle

The sneaky Quiclone looks up to you.

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

What was that?

Tom (as Hilda)

What are you actually doing here?

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

[Quiet and mumbling.] Oh, I mean, we’re gonna take this thing from this thing, and the benefactor wants us to take it out so we gotta be quiet. That’s why I was chosen, because I’m like really quiet in the way that I speak. I don’t like to speak a whole lot. It just makes me intimidated.

Tom (as Hilda)

So, when you say “thing,” are you taking the Necromon or are you taking something else that’s in here?

Kyle

He points to the pedestal and you can see that it has a blank page identical to the one that Quique gave you earlier today in it.

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

I don't know, I was just told to take this thing.

Tom (as Hilda)

Ah crud.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Why?

Emily

Two legs poke out.

Kyle

He looks back to Sparky.

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

Oh, uh… I don't know. He says that his benefactor wants it or something like that. I don’t question him.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, but…

[Stammers.] Okay, so you’re just a lackey. You don’t know anything.

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

I mean, that’s a bit harsh.

Hallie (as Sparky)

But is it wrong?

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

No, but it’s still harsh.

Tom (as Hilda)

I don’t mean to interrupt your work, but—

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Unfortunately though, I do.

Kyle

And you hear the cocking of a gun.

Tom

Oh no!

Hallie

What?! WHAT?! Excuse me?!

[Noir mystery reveal music begins.]

Kyle

You turn over and you see, next to you, a woman dressed in extremely vibrant clown makeup.

Tom

You’re gonna have to explain that one a little bit more, Kyle.

Hallie

You’re gonna have to have more words.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Tom

You’re gonna have to give us some more details.

Hallie

We’re gonna need a little bit more.

Kyle

The woman looks at you, Hilda.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

I must say, Hilda dear, you little cutie, your mom does have a wonderful sense of fashion, although she doesn’t use quite enough pink for my taste.

Tom (as Hilda)

Who the F are you?

[00:10:00]

Kyle

The woman gets really upset at that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Maybe it’s Maybelline, but she looks a little bit too good to be Maybelline right here.

Tom (as Hilda)

Like, we would recognize—

Kyle

The gun just points towards you, Sparky.

Tom

[Yelps.]

Hallie

Good. Good!

[Silly villainous music begins.]

Kyle (as Maybelline)

What a great—You know, that was a really expert backhanded compliment. It would be really effective if it wasn’t the pot calling the kettle black.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’ve never tried.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Heh-heh… Anyways.

Tom (as Hilda)

I just want to interrupt and tell you that your insult to Sparky didn’t make a lot of sense.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, she’s right.

Tom (as Hilda)

You were getting a backhanded compliment, but then you said the pot calling the kettle black implying that Sparky looks really good right now, so it was kind of a self-own again.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

No, no, it’s—

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s why I said I never tried, because this is just effortless.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

The compliment—

Hallie (as Sparky)

But you didn’t get it because you’re not smart enough.

Kyle

She points the gun at the Quiclone.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Maybelline)

The point is, I needed to get into this room but realized that anybody would recognize my iconic style. Since your clownish mother is here, I figured I could just put on some similar makeup and sneak in amongst the crowd. Now that I am here, with a gun mind you – I feel like we all sort of glossed over that – I would like what’s in that box, please.

Kyle (as sneaky Quiclone)

[Quietly mumbling.] Well, uh, I mean…

Kyle

At that, Eddie will notice Maybelline pointing the gun.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Eddie)

Now-now, what do we have—Oh.

Kyle

Maybelline pulls out a second gun and points it at Eddie.

Ari

Oh my god.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Maybelline)

I will say, the little stunt you pulled tonight did make infiltrating this chamber more useful, but you’ve outlived your usefulness to me.

Emily (as Irene)

Are you going to shoot someone who’s already dead? Just curious.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Well, just because something doesn’t kill you doesn’t mean it can’t hurt.

Hallie

I do want to hear more of what she has to say, however, what I’d like to do more is use Designated Driver to call my van.

[Laughter.]

Beep-beep, motherfucker! That’s the bad swear.

Ari

Yippee-ki-beep!

Hallie

Here it comes!

Kyle

Describe… Describe Designated Driver.

Hallie

Describe the skill or what I’m doing?

Kyle

Yeah, describe the move.

Hallie

Alright, the move. You have a reliable means of transportation that is able to carry you and the other PCs, e.g. a car, bus pass, Soul Bonded dragon, etc. Spend 1 AP to have this means of transportation appear in a critical moment, and if you are in the middle of a Confrontation that involves a chase, fill your Confrontation Clock by 1. I have exactly 1 AP.

Kyle

Give me one quick second. I gotta read what I wrote here. Uh…

[Laughter.]

But yeah, here’s the secret “final” upgrade that Big Jake Hell gave to your car.

Hallie

Remote summon! I like to think it’s like the bison whistle from Avatar: The Last Airbender. You just blow into it and then Appa shows up. She’s got a van whistle shaped like her van. It’s just a little van.

Kyle

Sparky, I will let you decide. Is the vehicle coming from, A, the library, B, a nearby hallway, C, the floor, or D, the ceiling?

Emily

Not the ceiling, Hallie.

Hallie

The floor is so much funnier because it’s as if a whale erupted from the ground and just FWOOSH, came up. So yeah, from beneath Maybelline as she’s aiming two guns western-style, a look that is too cool for her, a van just fucking—

Kyle

So you want it under Maybelline?

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

You’re gonna have to roll me Take a Swing for that.

Hallie

Oh, okay.

Tom

Come on, car, you can do it.

Hallie

[Hums a chipper tune.]

Tom

Come on, Hallie. The dice are on your side.

Hallie

No they’re not. Don’t say that. The dice have never been on my side.

[Rolls.] Nine. I was so close to a no-strings-attached success.

Kyle

You’re gonna hit your target. It’s gonna hit Maybelline.

Hallie

Yeah. Good.

Kyle

You have to choose one benefit and one drawback.

Tom

Who does the car hit?

Hallie

The benefit is that she’s hit by my car, and she’s no longer aiming guns at people.

Kyle

Okay, okay.

Hallie

The guns, she drops them, she drops the guns.

Kyle

Okay, she drops the guns.

Hallie

Yeah. The drawback…

Emily

[Chuckling.] Do you also hit one of us with your car?

Tom

[Shouting.] Who does the car hit, Hallie?!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Do it. Do it, Hallie.

Hallie

Not in this party. I can’t do that.

Tom

WHO DOES THE—

Kyle

I won’t have it hit a party member.

Hallie

Oh, okay, then yeah, it hits someone else. That’s fine, as long as it’s not a party member.

Kyle

It hits someone or something you didn’t intend to.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

So, you said you have a whistle, right?

Hallie

Yeah, like a bison whistle but for a van.

Kyle

So you just whistle without saying anything?

Hallie

Yeah, I just pull out a fucking whistle that Jake Hell gave me at some point in the past that Sparky has told no one about and I just… I blow on it.

Kyle

Beep-beep…

[Crash SFX. Upbeat disco-style music begins.]

[00:15:00]

Hallie

[Laughs.] It flies in from however high up we are.

Emily

We’re in space!

Tom

We’re in the upper atmosphere.

Kyle

That’s right.

Hallie

Glass everywhere! Full John McClane action sequence. There’s an explosion in the corner for no reason. People don’t have shoes anymore.

Tom

What? No!

[Music ends with a flourish.]

Kyle

The car comes up from the ground, knocking Maybelline to the floor, and we hear a crash alongside that, like a tinkling of glass. Then, the blank page which has been freed from the container lands right in front of her.

[Frantic carnival chase music begins.]

Emily

Booker bolts for it.

Tom

Oh!

Kyle

And it’s time for a three-way Confrontation.

Tom

Yeah!

Kyle

The way Confrontations work normally is you have a clock and your opponents have a clock based on what your goal is. In a three-way Confrontation, it’s similar. There are two clocks, there is you and there is everybody else. The reason we do that is because as players your rolls and dice influence not the world as a whole but instead how you interact with it. So, it doesn’t matter that both Maybelline and Eddie want the blank Booker page, what matters is that they are working against you.

So, it’s basically a normal Confrontation. The only difference is going to be that, when you make actions, I am going to keep in mind is this affecting Maybelline more or is this affecting Eddie and his team more. Based on basically who you screw over the most will determine who gets first, second, and third place at the end of this Confrontation.

Hallie

Good.

Kyle

So, Eddie wants the blank page and Maybelline wants the blank page. Booker also wants the blank page, but you as a team have to decide what is your want out of this Confrontation.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I guess…

Tom

Uh… I think we want the blank page.

Hallie

Yeah. Obviously, I want whatever Maybelline wants so that she doesn’t have it, and that’s the blank page, apparently.

Kyle

Alright. So, to set the scene…

[Upbeat ghostly electronic music begins.]

With a loud roar, the White-Eyes Blue Dragon gets all the other creatures in their containers riled up. Maybelline, Eddie and Booker all at once are trying to pounce on this blank page. What do you all do?

Hallie

I think I also just want to pounce on the blank page. I am ready to get in there with some fisticuffs. What’s up party people? That’s my battle cry.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Tom

Can I cause Maybelline to slip on a banana peel?

Kyle

Yes. Describe how you’re gonna cause Maybelline to slip on a banana peel.

Tom

I’m gonna use a move here. I’ll use my Pull Pranks descriptor move to spend my 1 and only AP to have a banana peel on-hand that’s just going to, (swoop), pulling it out right in front of her.

Kyle

Roll Take Action or Sneak. Oh, also, everyone’s clock is 4. I figured we just do it conventional.

Tom

[Rolls.] I have never rolled so poorly in my life. It’s not a triple snake-eyes, but I guess with the bonus it will at least be a 7. I rolled a 1, a 2, and a 3.

Kyle

Jesus!

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

Alright. Yeah, describe how you throw this banana peel, and it kinda works.

Ari

It’s just a soggy banana.

Tom

There’s no technique to it. It’s just there’s no room to do the magic here. Hilda is thinking on her feet because she was currently bouncing between pulling a page out from behind Maybelline’s ear and trying to John McClane a different balloon sword attached to her back. Just yoinks it out, right in front of her.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

You actually successfully trip her, but she slips over and she trips over Booker who flips onto his back.

Tom

Oh… No! My baby!

Kyle

Giving Eddie time to grab the page and go:

Kyle (as Eddie)

Heheh… Best Quique.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, so he’s got the page and he’s gonna start running while Booker, just on his back, let’s out an angry:

Emily (as Booker)

[Bellowing, strained.] Rekoooob~!

Emily

Waggling his little legs, upset.

Tom

So both clocks fill by 1, right?

Kyle

Yes. You can inflict an effect on someone instead. I have a list of ideas. It essentially means, in an extreme case, I cut off his leg preventing a character from, you know, using the leg, or in activating moves, or setting them in a scenario where they’re busy having to take care of something else.

Tom

Mm-hmm. I think I will go for clock filling.

Kyle

I’m gonna go for that as well. So, each clock is filled by 1. Booker, who has been rejuvenated by the light, is on his back. You can actually see that the blue light is coming around him even more so and he’s starting to get some of those special pages that he gets when he’s in his Ultra form in an arena. Which would normally be really cool.

Emily

The one thing to defeat an Ultra Necromon, being flipped on their back.

[00:20:00]

Currently he’s just still wailing and kicking his little legs because he’s so mad.

Tom

Aww.

Kyle

Eddie meanwhile is gonna run away like:

[Swing music begins.]

Kyle (as Eddie)

Ha-ha-ha! Screw all of you! Let’s go, Ronda.

Kyle (as Ronda)

Oh, alright. Well, I mean, like… okay yeah, let’s get going. Should we bring the—

Kyle (as Eddie)

Ah, forget him. He’s as much scum as the other Quiques. I was just saying otherwise to make him feel nice.

Several

[Emotional.] Oh no…

Kyle

And Ronda and Eddie start running to the hallway. We’ll say they’re running to the hallway to escape.

Hallie

Pokeyo wants to go comfort the other abandoned skeleton. That’s their thing now.

Kyle

You succeed. You’ve made another friend.

Emily

Aww!

Hallie

Yay! Okay. As Sparky however, I would like to just chase down Eddie and SmackBook Pro him in the face.

Kyle

[Delighted.] Alright, roll to Take a Swing.

Hallie

Woohoo! Da-da-da…

Kyle

That is with advantage because of SmackBook Pro.

Hallie

SmackBook Pro! Advantage is an extra die, right?

Kyle

Yeah, and you take the top two.

Hallie

Okay.

[Rolls.] I don’t need to roll a third die, actually, because I got MALAITA!

Emily

Woo!

Tom

Holy shit.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Clapping as she chants.] Six, six! Two sixes! Six, six! Two sixes! Malaita!

Ari

You did it!

Tom

Roll to see if you get a third six.

Hallie

What? That’s never gonna happen.

[Rolls.] Four.

Tom

Oh.

Hallie

[Smiling.] You ruined it.

Kyle

Alright. You can either take 2 clocks filled or you can take a clock filled and an effect.

Hallie

Ugh!

Emily

Who are you hitting with this?

Hallie

Eddie.

Emily

You could put him in pieces so he can’t run away.

Hallie

Could I take 1 clock fill and the PCs get 1 ongoing for the rest of the Confrontation?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay, let’s do that one.

Kyle

You smack him.

Hallie

So good.

Kyle

But how does smacking him also give everyone a benefit against him, Ronda, and Maybelline for the rest of this Confrontation?

Hallie

Because…

Kyle

I also just realized your car is still there.

Hallie

My car is still there.

Kyle

In the middle of the room.

Hallie

Let’s say, just for yucks, Maybelline is climbing out from under the car at the same time that I whack Eddie so hard with the SmackBook Pro that one of his bones comically flies into the distance and whacks Maybelline in the face just as she’s emerging, and then she’s knocked back. I don’t actually know why that gives us +1 ongoing, but that was a thing I was using to justify it.

Kyle

Both of them are rattled.

Hallie

Both of them are rattled.

Kyle

Eddie more literally so.

Hallie

Yeah.

Emily

How dare you! I was just about to say “him, literally.”

Hallie

Then, I would like to take the page from him. Can I do that?

Kyle

Yeah. We’ll say that you have the page.

Hallie

Okay. I wanna take the page and, not really thinking about it, I wanna do a Pirates of the Caribbean “I have a jar of dirt” thing that was a meme for a while that Jack Sparrow does.

Emily (as Booker)

[Pleading.] Rekoooob~!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ha!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob~!

Hallie (as Sparky)

I got your fucking page!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob~!

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m coming!

Emily (as Booker)

[Whining.] Rekoob!

Hallie

Then just the morale of seeing someone who’s on their team having the page also gives the +1 ongoing. Like, “ah-ha, he didn’t get away.”

Kyle

Now that you have the page, are you just… that’s what’s happening right now?

Hallie

Um… I didn’t think this far ahead.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

I guess I’m trying to get it to Booker because it’s his page.

Emily

What I would really love to do is unleash all the captive Necromon and set them upon our enemies.

Tom

Yes.

Emily

But I don't know how to do that.

Kyle

Well, try. Try however you want.

Emily

Is there like a button? “Do not push button!”

Kyle

If you give me an AP, there will be a “do not push” button.

Emily

I will give you an AP. I will… yeah, I’ll give you an AP to have a button that I can just push.

Kyle

Yeah, there’s a “do not push” button. So, to set the scene…

[Silly frantic music begins.]

Whack! Eddie’s head has fallen off. He’s trying to get it back. One of the bones flies off and hits Maybelline who’s just demoralized at this point. Sparky lifts up the page and starts running back to get it to Booker, and then Irene, you wanted to open the floodgates?

Emily

Irene’s further away. She tells Quique to push it, and Quique can push it with his hand that went on the journey with the Necromon Strike Force team and it all comes full-circle.

Ari

Sure. That sounds like a good idea. I’ll do that.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Alright Quique, roll me Take Action.

Ari

[Rolls.] Oops, sorry. The dice fell. That didn’t count.

[Rolls.] Um, that’s a 5.

Emily

[Smiling.] I should never have trusted you, Quique!

Kyle

Describe how you all try this and fail.

Ari

No! Oh no.

Emily

Oh… Irene figured it out and pointed, but one or more of the Necromon got overexcited and tripped Quique.

Tom

Oh no.

Hallie

It was Boidelrat.

Tom

Oh no!

Emily

It was Boidelrat.

Hallie

It was Boidelrat.

Emily

I didn’t wanna name names, but we all know it was Boidelrat.

Tom

No~!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

We all knew it was Boidelrat.

[00:25:00]

[Music fades.]

Kyle (as Eddie)

Aurelio, Aurelio, Aurelio… You really need to get a team that would work together.

Ari (as Quique)

Honestly, so do you.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Where’s your team? I haven’t seen that they are doing things.

[Dramatic classical music begins.]

Kyle (as Eddie)

Why bother finding a powerful Necromon team when I’m the most powerful Necromon I could ever encounter? You know, I first—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Ari

Can I interrupt his speech to punch him in the face?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Roll me Take a Swing.

Ari

Oh, is it fine?

Kyle

Yeah. I’m not gonna have this influence anything, he’s still gonna get his benefit, but I just wanna see if you punch him.

Ari

[Rolls.] Nine.

Tom

Eh.

Kyle

Yeah, you hit him pretty good, not big enough to do anything.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Agh. You are so rude, and mean, but not in the Machiavellian way.

[Music returns.]

Anyways. The thing I wanted to explain is that my Element is Skeletons and that includes things like skeletal structures, so say goodbye to Sparky Malarky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What the fuck?!

[Gasping. Music distorts into booming trailer music.]

Kyle

With that, the skeleton of the room next to him, the framing starts tearing open as he points a hand towards it and a giant gap into the vacuum of space opens up.

Tom

What the fuck?!

Emily

Sparky Malarky!

Kyle

Sparky, roll me Take Action.

Hallie

Okay… My Fierce is 0, yeah that’s right. But I get the +1 ongoing!

[Rolls. Music ends with dramatic tension.] … Eleven. Twelve with the +1 ongoing.

Tom

Oh!

Emily

Woo!

Kyle

Okay, perfect. You still suffer the consequences of the effect, I just wanted to see how bad it was.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fine.

Kyle

We’ve used some effects before, right? One of the effects I wanted to use was less something like “this ability is taken away” or “you get -1 ongoing.” I wanted to do my favorite kind of effect, one in which you are put into a scenario that you have to roll to succeed at, and succeeding in that roll won’t count towards filling your clock, however if you just let the scenario be, every quote-unquote “turn” you take without resolving that will be a turn that the situation automatically gets worse.

[Climatic cinematic music begins.]

The vacuum of space, Sparky, pulls you out, but just in time there is… Why not? There is a loose nail.

Hallie

Yeah! Nails!

Kyle

A thick loose nail that you’re able to grab onto.

Hallie

I have the paper. I’ve got the nail.

Kyle

You have the paper in one hand. You’re holding onto the nail in the other. You can hear “creek” as it starts to pull out a little bit.

Hallie

Okay. Um…

Tom

Important question just for all of us here.

Kyle

Yeah?

Tom

What’s happening to everyone else if the chamber is decompressing?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

You know, you’re not quite in the “vacuum” vacuum of space, so—

Emily

You just said we were in the vacuum of space!

Kyle

You’re in like the close-to-vacuum of space.

Hallie

It’s like the ozone layer of space.

Kyle

We’re going sci-fi movie rules that doesn’t want to be brutal where it’s like, if you’re far enough away from it, you’re fine, but if you’re right in the vicinity, you get pulled in.

Tom

Hmm… Okay. Alright. Good to know.

Kyle

Unless, Tom, you all want to be pulled out to the vacuum of space. Only one of you would survive that.

Ari

It’s me, because I’m already dead.

Kyle

Actually, when Sparky goes out, Eddie will just, very tired, turn to you, Quique.

Kyle (as Eddie)

I know we have our differences, Aurelio, but you’re welcome.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Ugh, this is low even for you.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Even for us.

Ari (as Quique)

No, even for you.

Kyle (as Eddie)

You have to pick a side, Quique. Either I am you or I’m not you.

Ari (as Quique)

When did I say you were me?

Kyle (as Eddie)

When you said I was just a copy.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! Exactly. That doesn’t mean that you are “me” me, that means that you’re a copy. You have a copy of a paper. The copy is not the same as the paper. You want to go all philosophical here? I have no time.

Kyle (as Eddie)

Have you ever heard of the idea of the Skeleton of Theseus?

Ari

He’s already gone.

Ari (as Quique)

Between you or Sparky, I somehow like Sparky more.

Ari

He’s gonna go and try—

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Are you doing a space-walk to save Sparky Malarky?

Ari

Yeah, unless-I think Tom was saying something.

Tom

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, I had a plan along those lines.

Kyle

Okay. Yeah.

Tom

I don’t want to interrupt anyone else’s plans, but Hilda was gonna look at Booker and do a nod.

Emily

Is he off his back yet?

Tom

Hilda was gonna grab Booker under her arm, get in Sparky’s car, and drive the car out into space to get Sparky.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Drive the car into space!

Ari

I want it to be a combination of Quique doing the space-walk and the car doing the car.

Kyle

I’m gonna count one of these as towards saving Sparky and one of these is towards making things better, because I don’t think there’s really a way to say this is a combo attack, but I want both to happen.

[00:30:00]

So Quique, you’re gonna roll Keep Your Cool because you’re trying to do a space-walk. Hilda, you’re gonna roll Touch the Other Side because I’m pretty sure you don’t know how to drive a car.

Tom

So, Touch the Other Side, what do we roll with that?

Kyle

That’s Books.

Ari

Is Keep Your Cool +Slick?

Kyle

Plus Slick, yes.

Ari

[Rolls.] Twelve! It’s dirty 12.

Kyle

Jesus! Alright.

Tom

[Rolls. Shouting.] I rolled a natural 12!

Ari

Oh!

[Cheering and laughter.]

Kyle

So, we’re gonna start with Quique, because it sounds like your plan more directly involves saving Sparky’s where Hilda’s was more akin to vehicular manslaughter.

Tom

Wow! Fucking rude.

Kyle

So, yeah, Sparky.

[Tense ghostly chase music.]

The nail is pulling more and more, and you’re starting to lose your breath. Quique, you see this. How do you save Sparky Malarky?

Ari

He’s just very reluctantly going to grab her hand I guess.

Emily

Just grab her by the collar. The rudest way.

Ari

Yeah! Yeah, I like that. Grab her by the collar.

Hallie

She chokes even more.

[Laughter.]

Ari

No! No. Not like that. In cartoons where there’s somebody sitting down and you’re grabbing them.

Kyle

Basically the same vibes as pulling someone by their ear.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

Please, there’s no air left to choke.

Kyle

Yeah, exactly, that was my thought. Sparky’s not getting any breath anyway.

Ari

Heh. He’s gonna slowly, slowly do it, just really reluctantly.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Gasps for air.]

Hallie

As she’s being pulled in.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

This is the second time that I saved your life, Sparky. I hope you remember that and repay it someday.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What do you mean the second time?

[Silly music begins.]

Ari (as Quique)

Ah!

Hallie (as Sparky)

There were two times?

Ari (as Quique)

There was one time when you were in this weird creepy lake thing and I had to drag you out of it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Breathlessly.] Oh god, the rutabaga lake.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, you were talking—Exactly! Yeah, you were talking about that instead of being useful, and I dragged you out of it. So really, you should repay me about this someday, but that is not important right now. I guess I’m glad you are not overpopulating the Necropolis today.

Ari

[Chuckling.] And he just walks away.

Hallie

Sparky is confused. She’s shaken for multiple reasons such as losing oxygen and also Quique saved her twice, apparently.

Kyle (as Eddie)

I’m disappointed, Aurelio. Sticking your neck out for her?

Kyle (as Ronda)

I mean, you would do it for me though, right Eddie?

Kyle (as Eddie)

Of course, dear Ronda, but you are an actually enjoyable person.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Listen. Honestly, I did it to spend less time with your… whatever talk this is. If it’s between—

Kyle

He starts doing the blabbing hand.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, that’s you, that’s how you sound like. Exactly like that.

Ari

And he’s gonna do the hand thing.

Kyle

Hilda, what do you do?

[Music ends.]

Tom

The plan here was drive car out into space, pull Sparky into the car. Then, since this car got all the way up here, surely that means it can get back.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

We reenter the atmosphere in Sparky’s car.

Hallie

Jake Hell.

Tom

[Laughing.] Ride it down to the planet.

Hallie

He made the van space-proof so now we can just zoom off into space playing Hooked on a Feeling.

Tom

It’s a reliable mode of transportation. It says it in the move.

Hallie

That’s what it is.

[Laughter.]

This is just like how in Be Cool, Scooby Doo, Fred has outfitted the Mystery machine to be like a submarine and a helicopter.

Tom

And I did get a nat-12 with this roll as well.

Kyle

So, we’re gonna say—Is it alright if Irene’s in the car?

Tom

I was considering pulling the entire party in and just having us drive out into space.

Emily

I mean, I can just be chilling with Maybelline and her guns. It’s fine.

[Upbeat rock music begins.]

Kyle

Yeah, Quique and Sparky, you see as a car—as Sparky’s van just drives up next to you and the door dramatically opens up. Hilda, I’ll let you take the scene if you wanna do anything.

Tom

Hilda doesn’t say anything because it’s space, but just like pulls both Quique and Sparky into the van.

Hallie

Wee!

Ari

Quique’s gonna do the kind of way that Steve Harrington reacts when he sees Dustin driving the car. ‘What? Kids should not be driving.” And trying to take Hilda out of the wheel so that he can be the proper responsible adult who drives car.

Tom

What did we decide versus Irene in or out of the van?

Emily

Well, Irene is busy, so uh…

Tom

[Distressed.] Uh…

Kyle

I figured we’d put you all in the van so that you can drive out.

Emily

Okay.

Hallie

Great. I think it would be really funny if it was like a drive-by and they just grabbed Irene by the back of her shirt, also in a cartoonish manner, and whipped her into the van and slammed the door shut before we just…

[00:35:00]

Emily

[Laughing.] Pull up, open the side door, drag her into the van.

Hallie

It’s like we’re kidnapping a child but in a good way this time.

Kyle

And…

Tom

We’re gonna drive out to the vacuum of space, baby.

Hallie

We’re gonna fill our clock by running away.

Tom

We’re gonna drive— [Laughs.]

Hallie

[Giggling.] Into the solar system we go.

Tom

Reentry. We’re going—

Hallie

Fuck you, Oset Scuba.

Tom

We’re going back down to the planet the hard way.

[Music fades.]

Kyle

After you all leave, it’s silent for a moment in Oset Scuba’s collection before Ronda eventually breaks the silence with:

Kyle (as Ronda)

Well uh… how’s everybody doing?

Kyle

And then you hear a little (alert sound) and all of the glass barriers protecting Oset Scuba’s protection go down.

[Music returns.]

Because Emily privately paid me 1 AP to press the button outside of combat.

Tom

Oh!

Hallie

Hell yeah!

Ari

Oh, nice!

[Music swells and carries out to the announcements.]

Kyle

According to a Google Search that I just quickly did, it takes about two minutes and 23 seconds to fall from space. So, while the party does exactly that, let’s have an announcement break.

First off, if you signed up for the Fan Work Exchange that I talked about last announcement break, I will be sending out assignments for that later today or tomorrow. If you’re listening to this episode on the day it comes out and you are interested, go check the link that I put in last episode because I’m only going to close signups when I actually send out the emails.

Besides that, all I’ve got for you today is another show promo, so HEY, LISTEN!

[Game show music begins.]

Do you wanna find out more about tabletop and live roleplaying games but you’re not sure where to start? Do you wanna play a lot of different roleplaying systems but just don’t have the time to try them all? Do you want to listen to new and exciting adventures without the boring character creation and filler story arcs? Well, you’re in luck.

If any of those things sound interesting to you, you can check out What Am I Rolling? which is a twice-monthly RPG one-shot podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. That’s What Am I Rolling? With a question mark. Remember, adventures need not apply.

[Music ends.]

Alright. Well, music considered, we’re probably getting close to everyone landing on the ground, so that’s all I’ve got for you today. This year we’re gonna do something special for Christmas again. In two weeks, on December 26, Hallie and I will return to the harrowing world of Hallmark with another Hallmarked episode. I’ll see you then.

[Swing music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

We cut away and we see the car. We don’t even see how it gets to the ground, we just see all of the Rons and the Undertakers in front of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper. A lot of them are starting to raid it because… we’ll say the crowd went and took out some of the Quiclones on the lower floors.

[Laughter.]

We don’t see how the van got down, we just cut to the ground and we see it round the corner in front of the Spacescraper.

Tom

I did not expect it to be intact after this.

Hallie

Thanks, Jake Hell.

Emily

So what you’re saying is that Big Jake Hell made sure it didn’t Big Jake Fell.

Hallie

[Laughs breathlessly.]

Ari

Heh.

Tom

Honestly, I—

[Chuckles.] I don't know how compliant this is with the lore, but I would love if none of this actually was a thing about the car and Big Jake Hell was just using other side magic to be like “ugh, they drove it into space! UGH!”

[Laughter.]

Kyle

No. When you fall down into orbit, you know how it flames up?

Hallie

Yeah, because you’re going super-fast.

Kyle

Yeah. That’s not actually the physics effect. That flame is Big Jake Hell trying to redirect the car.

Emily

What a good guy.

Hallie

“I put my life’s work into this van. You can’t destroy it by driving it into space.”

Emily

Honestly, he seems like a better boyfriend than… certain people whose names begin with “L” and end with “ucas Bang.”

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I do not hear this.

Kyle

Alright, so you’re all in a car in front of the Spacescraper.

[00:40:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

I should write Jake Hell a better thank you note.

Tom (as Hilda)

I think I need to go sit down now, with a blanket. I think I am beginning to feel the early onset of shock.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Oh no~

Emily (as Irene)

Oh, you are only in the early part of it? I was under the impression we were further in.

Tom (as Hilda)

I mean, yeah, probably. My brain just missed the memo.

Ari

Quique will sit next to them and hug them.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

While Quique is sharing the tender moment with the children, we’re on the ground and the Undertakers are outside, yeah?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I wanna stumble out my van. Like, the intention is to kick the van door open Somebody Once Told Me style and be like, “go fix it,” but you know, a lot has happened, so it’s more like a stumble out and she has to grab onto the door to center herself.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Crimes!

[Stammers.] You got here… We did it!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Alright, we’re gonna flash forward quickly, if that’s alright.

[laughter.]

BITE has basically immediately, once Sparky said things, surrounded the van. A lot of Undertakers, which again are the guys in the aloha shirts with the sunglasses and the khaki pants. You occasionally catch a glimpse of an Overseer. Overseers look more like stereotypical Men in Black. They’re much more unsettling figures with black trilby hats, round sunglasses, and long trench coats. Quique, do you ever check the phone that you were using to contact with the Rons?

Ari

Yeah. I want to say… I don't know if I made the joke back on that one session when he’s like “tell me if they’re smiling,” but if they’re all skeletons I guess he would have just told—

Kyle

You said that immediately and Overseer Cold said “you know what I mean.”

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Do you make that again though? You get another message from Overseer Cold saying “so were any of them laughing” and you say it again?

Ari

Yeah, I say it again.

Tom

Yes.

Hallie

I hope Overseer Cold hates us.

Kyle

So, BITE was there, Undertakers are there, the Dire Fighters were there as well – emergency services essentially. They look like old firefighters. I saw this image the other day. Old firefighters, their helmet is this big black mask, essentially if you took a firefighter’s helmet and made it black and then put it down over their entire head.

Hallie

Like a welder or a beekeeper.

Kyle

Yeah, and with big bulky suits of armor. They look terrifying. Very sweet, though. We’re doing the thing that you have at the end of a stereotypical action movie where you’re sitting in the back of the ambulance with the cup of hot cocoa and the blanket.

Hallie

The shock blanket, yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, a shock blanket.

Emily

Irene keeps pushing the blanket off of her.

Tom

Hilda’s cuddling Booker.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Tom

And also holding two pages.

Emily

Well…

Tom

Wait. Sparky still has one.

Emily

If Booker’s seeing them, he’s going to be wildly obsessed with them and being a total menace.

Tom

Yeah, no sense delaying the inevitable. Hilda will give him the first page at least.

Kyle

Okay. You’re sitting there. Let’s say everyone’s given you space. They said alright, we’re gonna have a couple of folks talk to you, but for now we’ll leave you alone. So, it’s just the four of you, the four PCs, and Booker snatches the page up immediately. He noms it like any other page.

Emily (as Booker)

[Happy chewing sounds.]

Kyle

And the page disappears. But, after a moment, you notice that one of the ripped spaces where a page should be starts weaving itself back together again, slowly bit by bit reassembling itself. As it does, Booker’s eye flame ignites and you see an image.

[Mysterious music begins.]

It’s a hard-to-see image because it’s an image inside of flames, but it’s unmistakably an image of a man. He looks young but, with how death works, that says nothing about his age. The only thing you notice about him is his curious temperament and his inquisitive cat-like eyes. Then, through the flames, you hear the echoes of this man speak.

Kyle (as flame man)

How curious.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob?

Kyle (as flame man)

So you’re saying you catalogue things? Information. Things that happen.

Emily (as Booker)

[Affirmative.] Rekoob.

Kyle (as flame man)

You’re remarkable, friend. Did you know that?

Emily (as Booker)

[Buttered up.] Rekoob.

Kyle (as flame man)

And you are… you are my saving grace.

Emily (as Booker)

[Curious.] Rekoob?

Kyle (as flame man)

I told you already, I believe. That woman, at least I think she was a woman, unless you know there are humanoid Necromon or something like that. She told me the most curious things. Interesting.

Kyle

He looks and smiles.

Kyle (as flame man)

Would you like to come along with me? It’s been a while since I’ve traveled without a companion.

Emily (as Booker)

[Chipper.] Rekoob. Rekoob? Rekoob… Rekoob!

Kyle (as flame man)

Wonderful. We’re gonna do great things, friend. We’re gonna find out all the mysteries of this world.

[00:45:00]

Kyle

The man turns over, and with a spark of the flame in Booker’s eye, you can see a third eye emerge on his forehead.

Kyle (as flame man)

I can taste the intrigue already.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And the flame goes back in. Booker looks like his normal flame eye, but he’s perked up a little bit. I’ve sent you a list of advancements, Tom. Booker now gains one of those permanently.

Tom

Oh-ho.

Emily

He wiggles his little butt.

Ari

I assume this is all something only Booker experienced, right? Nobody else saw that or heard it?

Kyle

All of you saw the image in the flame. Basically, Booker’s eye flame ignited and showed you this image as if Booker was showing a recording.

Tom

He’s a little projector ‘mon.

Ari

Uh, I mean… I am like 99% certain of who that is…

Kyle

You’re right, Ari.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

So Quique would definitely be like… like, have a double-take.

Ari (as Quique)

Teo?

Emily

Do I recognize that? Does that sound familiar to me at all?

Kyle

It sounds nice. You don’t remember the details, you only really remember the conversation that was seen. But, that name makes you happy.

Emily (as Booker)

[Calm and pleased.] Rekoob.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… I suddenly have a lot more questions and interest about this book of yours, kid.

Tom (as Hilda)

Who’s Teo?

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, Mateo, he was—is? I guess he still is my partner. He’s a really good friend.

[Piano waltz music begins.]

But, I haven’t seen him in a long time, so I thought it strange to see him in this eyestalk of your book now.

Ari

He’s approaching and trying to see.

Emily

Booker, like… he doesn’t have a neck, but the motion that he does is like if he was pulling his head back into his neck a little bit. Like, you are getting very close to me, Sir Skeleton.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob…?

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, right, I’m sorry. I’m becoming too much like Sparky. I am so sorry about that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Wow. Wow!

Ari (as Quique)

I understand the personal space situation here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Caught up by the intrigue.

Ari (as Quique)

Just one second, Sparky.

If you hear or see him on your eyestalk again, would you—?

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Emily

Booker walks in a circle and then lays down, not paying attention anymore.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, I guess I’ll just write him a letter next time and ask him what’s up with that. It just takes forever to reach over there.

[Music fades.]

Kyle (as ???)

Write a letter to whom?

Ari (as Quique)

God, why are you still here?!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

This is not… This is not Eddie.

Emily

Oh.

Kyle

Flick, click. Flick, click.

You look up to the voice that spoke to you, and the first thing you see is a lighter opening and closing.

[Terrifying ghostly ambient music begins.]

But, when you see the rest of it, you see a man, the man. On the surface, not much about this figure sticks out. He’s a tall man wearing business casual clothing – khakis, dress shoes, a simple collared shirt with the top two buttons undone, and one hand loosely resting in his pocket while the other idly plays with the lighter, adding a slightly singed smell to the otherwise overpowering scent of bottom shelf cologne.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the nametag this man was wearing, he would seem like just a regular middle manager and you wouldn’t even have been able to guess that this was an Overseer leading a raid on one of the world’s largest companies. Even at first glance though, something about this man feels instinctually off, and then you notice the details.

You notice how his hunched pose never changes, how it seems less like a casual posture and more like a carefully crafted façade. You notice that the cologne is only so strong in order to mask the unmistakable smell of death. Not death in a literal way, mind you, but instead the empty stale stench of stagnation. You notice the color of his lighter’s flame, a sickly green, and how even though he’s clearly standing on the ground, the man still seems to float, only leaving a shadow in the light cast from the flame at his hip.

But, above all else, you notice the smile. It’s a stiff wide smile that wraps all the way to the sides of his head, a smile that’s clearly meant to be comforting but that feels more like a predator bearing their teeth or a corpse stuck in joyous rigor mortis. Normally I don’t like to tell you how you feel about things, but there is something supernaturally upsetting about this creature.

[00:50:00]

Overseer Cold looks to you, Quique, and he smiles. I mean, he always smiles. So more, his head with this smile turns towards you.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Ah yes, I believe you are the man that I am to thank for my assistance this evening. Is that correct?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh, yes sir, I believe so. Are you the one that texted me on the phone asking me about the smiling thing and my thing that I replied that yeah, I mean, skeletons are always smiling?

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

A wonderful joke as always, but you are certain that there was no laughter?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh, not really.

Ari

I mean, I don't know, I don't remember if Eddie laughed at some point.

Kyle

I think he did.

Ari

Okay. He would say that.

Ari (as Quique)

Actually, there is one. His name is Eduardo. He’s always kind of smirking and laughing and feeling all superior. If that helps for any of your weird tallies that you’re keeping, he would be the one to look for.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Eduardo. He is the fifth, I presume?

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, if you want to count them that way.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

I just like to keep my ducks in a row. I’m sure that an employee of the very esteemed Químicard would feel the same.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… yes. I do pride myself in having things ordered and organized. I don't know exactly—I can give you a better report on the exact crime that went into that. he tried to toss this lady over there, Sparky Malarky, into space.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Ah yes, your wonderful assistant.

Ari (as Quique)

My sub, sub, sub, sub-assistant. My co-assistant is not Sparky. She would be like way below me on the scale.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Of course, your sub, sub, sub, sub-assistant, the wonderful investigative reporter, Katherine Mueller, or Sparky Malarky as I believe she likes to be called. I do certainly hope you’re not injured at all.

Kyle

He looks towards you, Sparky.

Ari (as Quique)

[Chuckling.] You were having a fake name all this time. Of all the fake names, you went with Sparky Malarky?

Emily (as Irene)

Well yeah, why would an adult name someone Sparky Malarky?

Ari (as Quique)

I’ve heard worse names, kid. You haven’t lived long enough.

Hallie

Sparky stares back at him. … No. I was gonna have a biting response, but I can’t think of one and neither can Sparky. She’s too tired. She’s just going to be surly.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

I understand you’re exhausted.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Flatly.] Uh-huh.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

I wouldn’t blame her too much, Aurelio. We all like to keep our secrets.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What?

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Some of us prefer to hide our names. Some of us prefer not to say things.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s not a secret, I just didn’t like it.

Kyle

And he points to Irene.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Some of us don’t like talking about our siblings.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And some of us never shut up.

Emily (as Irene)

Excuse me?

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

I’m just saying that I am… I am a friend, and you can feel free to discuss—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh-huh. Friends don’t have to say they’re friends.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

—anything with me at any point.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Sounds like you already know everything anyway, so why bother?

Kyle

The smile widens.

Hallie

Great.

Kyle

But he does not laugh.

Hallie

[Uneasy.] Yeah. Eh… good.

Emily

Irene has crossed her arms and is glaring at the siblings comment.

Kyle

He looks at you, Hilda, for a second out of curiosity, and you notice that Booker has scuttled to behind your back. He cocks his head.

Tom (as Hilda)

Can we help you?

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

Oh no, you have all helped me so much already. I just wanted to extend the Bureau’s thank you and let you know that, if you have anything to tell me at any time…

Kyle

And he looks back at you, Hilda.

Kyle (as Overseer Cold)

…anything at all, you can always call in and request to speak to Overseer Cold. Although, since we’re friends, just tell them you want to speak to Indrid.

Tom

Completely blank-faced…

Tom (as Hilda)

Okay, goodbye.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Goodbye, all. It was a pleasure meeting you, but may we meet again on better circumstances—a birthday party or something joyous like that.

Kyle

And he walks away. Emily, I want you to take a GM Intrusion.

[Music ends.]

Emily

I was already upset, and now I’m more upset. It’s fine, I take my Intrusion. Do I even get AP?

Kyle

Who do you give the point to? Yeah, you get AP. Who do you give it to?

Emily

I give it to Hilda for also being a weird upset child at the bad vibes of Mr. Cold.

Tom

This is unimaginably dreadful.

[00:55:00]

Kyle

Indrid Cold walks away with the flick, click, flick, click, flick… and for a moment he stands there illuminated by the small light of the pocket lighter which, despite being so small, seems to extend a shadow from him out that almost covers all of you.

[Music returns.]

He waits for a moment, then flicks it down, and turns back and says:

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Actually, Miss Hawthorne, I did have something I needed to talk to you about, if you would just join me for a moment.

Emily (as Irene)

I would prefer to have an, um…

[Steadying herself.] I would prefer to have parental supervision.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Oh yes, a parent, a guardian, a lawyer, something along those lines. Do not worry, Elliot is already on the scene.

Hallie (as Sparky)

He’s what?

Emily (as Irene)

He’s what?

Tom (as Hilda)

No thank you.

Kyle

He extends an arm and motions out.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Please, come this way.

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t, um…

Tom

Hilda’s gonna get in front of Irene.

Tom (as Hilda)

No thank you. We are currently in shock and on our way to get medical attention. You’ll have to talk to us later.

Kyle

Flick, click. Flick, click. Flick, click.

The lighter starts flicking with more intensity as Indrid Cold steeps over you, his smile an inch from your face.

Emily

Irene pushes Hilda aside a little bit.

Emily (as Irene)

It’s fine. I’m coming.

Tom

Eh. Hilda is going to push back on that push and not budge.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Such gumption. It was not a request, though.

Tom (as Hilda)

Is Irene under arrest?

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

We cannot discuss the details at the time.

Tom (as Hilda)

I don’t see Elliot here right now. This all seems very suspicious, so I’m going to have to say no thanks.

Kyle

The lighter flicks. All the Overseers have sunglasses on, all the Undertakers and Overseers. Overseer Cold doesn’t. it almost looks like a flame emerges from his two green eyes. Hilda, I want you to roll Take Action with disadvantage.

[Music ends.]

Emily

I wanna do an opposing roll.

Kyle

Against who?

Emily

Against Hilda.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I don’t want Hilda getting in trouble.

Ari

Can I spend an AP to help Hilda somehow?

Kyle

Do you wanna just help keep Irene from leaving? How are you gonna help Hilda?

Ari

Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle

Okay. Yeah. We’ll say that you’re helping, so it’s no longer disadvantage, Tom.

Tom

Okay. Can we assume that Declare Guilty is in effect in this case even though I have not explicitly said those words?

Kyle

Yeah. What does Declare Guilty do?

Tom

Declare Guilty. Declare a particular character a threat to you or those you care about. Roll with +1 ongoing whenever your actions directly oppose that character for the remainder of the scene or Confrontation. Only one character at a time.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I wanna use 1 AP and my Overextends.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

Normally that would auto-succeed. Since you’re doing an opposed roll, I’ll give you double advantage for that.

Tom

So what, four dice?

Kyle

Four dice, the result is the top two.

Emily

Woo!

[Rolls.] That would be an 11.

Tom

[Rolls.] Is that roll trying to beat my roll?

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

That will be difficult since I rolled a 12.

Hallie

Oh-ho!

[Music from an old piano plays.]

Kyle

Indrid Cold flicks the green light, and a shadow, his shadow, illuminated by the light, begins to emerge around all of you. Hilda and Irene, what are you doing?

Emily

Irene is trying to pull away from Hilda to go with Indrid Cold because she’s worried that Hilda’s gonna get in trouble.

Tom

Hilda is holding on tightly to Irene’s arm and keeping herself between Indrid Cold and Irene.

Kyle

Indrid Cold seems not to care. The sickly green light at his hip grows brighter and his shadow more looming. Then, Quique?

Ari

He does that too, because there’s like a line. He’s trying to prevent this man from just taking a minor without any warrant or anything. Even if he had a warrant, this just is not okay.

Kyle

When you stand up, he clicks the lighter closed again and his eyes return to normal as the shadow recedes.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Give my well regards to Mateo, would you?

Kyle

And he walks off.

Ari

Hmm. He doesn’t like that, this man. He just doesn’t like that Mateo has anything to do with it. The next letter he writes to Mateo is going to have a lot of questions.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Alright. From that point on, you’re pretty much left on your own. The Rons try to flex and show how cool they are, but they do that to everybody. Elliot is there.

[01:00:00]

Hallie

Can I, in the background of that scene with Indrid Cold, I wanted to have texted Elliot with just “what the fuck.” Because even though Sparky spends her whole life avoiding these people, they all have each other’s contact info because we have referenced group chats before.

Kyle

You just get back:

Kyle (as Elliot)

If anything happens to it, I’m not buying you a new van.

Hallie (as Sparky)

If anything happens to Irene, you’re not getting a new sister.

Hallie

That’s my reply.

Emily

[Gasps, laughs.]

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

You are left on read.

Tom

Oh!

Hallie

That means I win.

Kyle

But yeah, so… you all meet up and head out.

[Ghostly denouement music begins.]

Hilda, you meet up with Alina. Yulia arrives as well. Elliot is there, but something you weren’t told, Irene, is that Earl is there as well. It’s hard to tell who’s more confused by the situation, Elliot who is perplexed because you were supposed to be here with Overseer Cold or Earl who is always confused. Quique, I would say that, actually, because it hit the news, Ariel wanted to just come to check up on you on their own, but Yunuen was really, really worried and would not let Ariel leave home without her.

Others

Awww.

Kyle

So they check up with you. Sparky, you go home alone.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fine. That’s fine. Wait, where’s Lucas? Actually, you know what, I don’t think Sparky’s in the mood to go find Lucas. I mean, she wants to know if he’s okay, but…

Kyle

We can play out any of those if you want, otherwise I was just gonna ask, is there anything you all do when you go home?

Hallie

Oh yeah, I have all my files. Instead of going to bed, I just start reading all of them.

Emily

It sounds like the plans have changed, but before they seemed to be changing, I was going to ask my father if I should turn myself in.

Tom

Aww.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle (as Earl)

What? Turn yourself in? For… like to a doctor? I can take you to a doctor.

Emily (as Irene)

No, to the law enforcement.

Kyle (as Earl)

Uh…

Kyle

He looks to Elliot who just nods to him.

Kyle (as Earl)

Let’s just go home, kiddo.

Kyle

And he kinda shelters you and takes you back into the car.

Emily

Wait. What did the nod mean? Nod to take me home or nod for me to turn myself in?

Ari

I mean, it’s Elliot, so what do you think?

Emily

Booker’s sleeping on Hilda. He’s really cuddly today.

Tom

Hilda will cuddle with Booker and go home and cry with her moms.

Others

Awww.

Ari

Quique’s just gonna start… I mean, he has a letter already drafted, but he’s gonna scrap that and throw that out and then start again, to write a letter to Mateo. Starting first like what, and then why, and how, and a lot of crossing over and starting again.

Kyle

As Quique finishes the letter and puts it in the envelope, we just hear these ghostly deathly bells from outside. Noticing that, you quickly wrap it up and walk to the door.

Ari

Quique hands it in, if possible, just saying:

Ari (as Quique)

I know you probably can’t do much about that, but if there’s any way to make it arrive faster than usual… thanks buddy.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Sparky, you get back home and you start flitting through the papers, right?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Mm-hmm. With reckless abandon. I use my broken coffee maker to make coffee. It broke in the great space escape, but that’s fine.

Kyle

If I understand correctly, this completes your investigation tracker.

Hallie

It does! I had 6 and now I have 7, if you give me a point.

Kyle

So you get a big plot revelation.

Hallie

I sure do.

Kyle

Sparky, you’re sorting through the papers, and a lot of it is the stuff you already saw, in addition to the second blank Booker page which you never actually gave to Hilda despite the substantial effort it took to retrieve.

ScubaCorp, ever since coming into town, grabs all the rutabagas. They’re bought by Sammy Ester who buys them from Out of Thyme. You gain a little more insight into why they buy the rutabagas, which instead of being some grand conspiracy seems to simply be that Oset really likes them. Like, there’s a lot of Scuba family rutabaga recipes.

But, concerning Out of Thyme’s rutabagas in particular, you specifically learn that Sammy Ester is the one who buys it, picks it up, and gives it to Oset Scuba. He delivers it by hand, and Oset, through records and chat logs, seems very agitated when anyone else tries to. Like, he slapped it out of Maybelline’s hand when she tried once.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Further enforcing what Lucas said, that there seems to be a lot of trust between the two of these.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

One of the things you see is… you see Oset being like—he’s asking for a rutabaga, essentially, in one of these things. He says someone please get Mr. Ester. Crossed out. Sammy. Crossed out. Sam-Sam? Crossed out. My number two. Crossed out. My partner. Crossed out.

[01:05:00]

Finally, the only thing he could land on was “the rutabaga boy.”

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Suddenly, you remember your vision from the beginning of this campaign, the one that ended with the message “protect the rutabaga or the world ends.” That part, “protect the rutabaga or the world ends,” that’s the part you’ve remembered, but then all of the other images start flashing through your mind with this new context.

You remember the vision of a tower stretching into the sky, far higher than any other skyscraper. The vision of fierce Necromon battles, and one of the figures you can now see is a giant dragon with piercing white eyes. But, the most notable feature you remember is a patchwork sewn-together hand and a string of yarn hair, and you realize that the message “protect the rutabaga or the world ends” is not talking about protecting the Out of Thyme rutabagas.

[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]

You realize that, in order to stop the world from ending, you need to save Sammy Ester.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh cripes.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Emily

Yeah. Quique watched Eddie get taken down by an 11-year-old like three days ago.

Ari

Yeah, exactly. We can do this anytime, you know.

Emily

By three days I mean a month.

Kyle

You mean like five months ago.

Emily

Not “five” months ago.

Kyle

It was a month between that and camping, and then it’s been like two-to-three months since then, so like four months.

Emily

Oh, it has?

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Kyle keeps time-skipping us.

Kyle

Time progresses in our world the same as it does in—

Emily

I thought that it was a month between each session.

Kyle

Oh. You’re referring to something that happened earlier in Die Hard?

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

Okay. I thought you were talking about the first time she took down Eddie. I was like, that was months ago.

Ari

We’ve been months in this heist.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Time moves so quickly in the ScubaCorp Spacescraper. It’s been ten years!

Hallie

Has anybody seen the Mr. Bones video?

Tom

What?

Ari

No?

Kyle

[Laughs.] What?!

Hallie

David showed it to me and someone made a rollercoaster on Rollercoaster Tycoon called Mr. Bones.

Tom

Send it to us.

Kyle

I think I’ve seen that. I want to see that. Yes, send that to us.

Hallie

And the ride time is like 12 months.

Kyle

Yes! I’ve seen that. Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride. He made the world’s slowest ride.

Hallie

[Squeaking in delight.] It’s Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride. That’s what it is. Then, the ride exit is just another way to get to the ride entrance.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

And the narrator is like “it’s been one year on Mr. Bones’ Wild Ride. The passengers are starving. Mutiny has broken out.” And that’s what I thought of just now.

Kyle

Here, we found the episode, Mr. Scuba’s Wild Ride.

[Laughter.]

The van was itself a John McClane.

Hallie

[Cackles.] Didn’t expect John McVlan, did you? Here comes John McVlan, that’s his name now. That’s my car’s name. Hannelore had The Red Mary. Sparky has John McVlan.

Ari

[Amused.] John McClan.

Hallie

McVlan? McVan?

Tom

[Delighted.] John McPlane!

Hallie

McPlane! McVehicle.

And I just… I blow on it.

Kyle

Maybelline puts her hand with one of the guns up to her ear and says:

Hallie

Well, it’s silent to other people. It’s like a bison whistle, Kyle. Keep up.

Tom

Maybe she’s part car. Maybe she’s part car!

Hallie

[Laughing.] Maybe she’s part car.

Tom

She’s a cyborg.

Hallie

Didn’t Hilda drive the van in one episode?

Tom

I drove in a semi-canonical precursor to the campaign.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Tom

In which I tried to park Sparky’s car.

Hallie

That’s right.

Kyle

That was in a parking lot, and she also scraped multiple cars.

Hallie

Okay, well…

Tom

I failed very badly and made things a lot worse.

Kyle

With a roar, the White-Eyes Blue Dragon and all of the other Necromon surround Eddie, Ronda, Maybelline, and the second Quiclone, and Ronda just goes…

Kyle (as Ronda)

Oh dear.

Emily

I want to take in the Quiclone too.

Kyle

Okay—!

Emily

He was just a little—

Hallie

I was gonna joke that you’d have to tear Pokeyo away from the sad skeleton, but it would be really funny if he just came along.

Tom

We just cut and he’s in there.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

We cut away and we see the car… We don’t even see how it gets to the ground.

Hallie

We just know it did.

Kyle

And yeah, all of you and the quiet Quiclone are in the car.

[01:10:00]