19. The State v. Irene Hawthorne

Transcript by Raina Harper

Intro Described:

There is light tinkling amongst heavy atmospheric white noise while someone taps away at a keyboard, breathing heavily. The computer plays a confirmation sound and a digital voice speaks. “Are you sure you would like to delete this record?” The person keeps typing, seemingly with difficulty breathing. “Understood. Please wait.”

An ethereal echoing voice gives a warning chorus of “behind you.”

A whooshing sound is heard, seemingly a high-tech door opening. Someone speaks. “Ugh, I’m so dead. I don’t see how this night could get any—AHH!” With a spike of tense music, they are suddenly violently assaulted, struck repeatedly. Amongst their shouting, they say “wait, wait, wait!”

Then, there is a sharp ripping sound as the tense music ends. There is a moment of pause before more heavy breathing and more typing at the computer. The digital voice speaks again. “Confirmation. Evidence has been deleted.”

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle (as Chazz)

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to the Intermortal Necromon Championship Semifinals!

[The crowd cheers while he speaks.]

I’m your commentator today, Chazz Casey, here to narrate the first exciting duel between Hilda Miszkiewicz and Irene Hawthorne. But, before we get to that, we have to talk about our… sponsors.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

[Sleepy music plays over the loudspeakers.]

Kyle (as Chazz)

ScubaCorp Mattress. You’ve heard me talk about it on the radio a couple of times. Well, what if you wanted to sleep again? Let’s talk about mattresses.

Hallie

[Restrains laughter.]

Tom

[In a soft voice.] may I be real with you for a moment, folks? Just talk about something on my mind. Do you know that 65% of Americans have an uncomfortable mattress at night?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Hilda, you can hear the muffled yet still echoing voice of Chazz Casey which is covered a little bit by the raucous cheering of the crowd in the stadium outside of you. You are in a small waiting room, it’s like a locker room essentially, and just outside of the flaps to your right is the arena. The finals are finally here. How are you feeling right now?

Tom

Hilda is a mess of weird feelings. I don't know if she has fully processed everything over these last two to three days, however long it has been. She is in some mixture of nervous “I don’t want to be here” and angry that she’s so powerless in this situation, and still just afraid that last time everyone got mixed up in things that are way, way bigger than us.

Kyle

Yeah. So, besides probably a bunch of fine print, why are you here at the duel? Last time, it was to challenge Oset Scuba for the Necromon, but Irene freed all of them during the fight with Maybelline. His collection, with the exception of the cards on his little gauntlet card thing… with the exception of those cards, his collection, at least the collection in the Valley, is flushed out, it’s gone. You’ve got nothing to take from him.

Tom

Yeah. Hilda definitely has no reason left to proceed with the original bargain. Right now, the only reason Hilda actually showed up to this stage was because of Irene. She was worried that Irene would be sad.

Emily

Aww. She would, too.

Kyle

But Irene isn’t in here with you. Irene’s in the locker room presumably across the stadium. Is anyone in here with you? Did you bring in anyone for support, like any of the other PCs or your moms or anyone like that, or is it just you and Booker?

Tom

No, I think Hilda’s moms would definitely be there. I think Freddie would be there, but I’m assuming Walnut would not, because I’m assuming Walnut would just say no.

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

Odds, dae’s there, evens, dae’s not. Walnut is there.

Tom

Hey!

Kyle

You can see Walnut is kinda shaking daer leg a little bit, like just tapping it with anxious energy, as Freddie is just aimlessly going from locker to locker.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh, this one has gym clothes as well. That makes 60% gym clothes.

[00:05:00]

[Laughter.]

Which is weird considering you’re not in a uniform. On to the next locker.

Kyle

And he’s just slowly going from place to place. Your moms are supporting you.

Kyle (as Alina)

Hilda, honey, are you doing everything okay? No-no-no, don’t mess up the makeup because—

Kyle

Oh, you got clown makeup on, baby!

Hallie

It’s a special day.

Kyle

You probably convinced your moms to make it a little subtle, but they’re gonna make you look a little nice.

Tom

I think Hilda would normally protest a lot harder, but either from shellshock or a sense of grim determination, she does not this time.

Kyle

Laser eyes, furious rage, as cute little circles are going on her cheeks.

Hallie

Ha!

Emily

Does she have little pigtails?

Tom

Yes.

Emily

Aww.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Walnut is… Walnut isn’t quite sure what dae wants to do. Walnut will occasionally go to say things, but when Alina jumps in with something else will just kind of be quiet again. If Alina’s ever like “oh, did you want to say something,” Walnut just won’t speak.

Tom

Hilda will then attempt to take action, her own initiative.

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m sorry things have been weird, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been a very good duelist. I haven’t lived up to the ideal of being a duelist the way you have. You certainly deserve to be here in the semifinals more than I do because I just got lucky with a strong partner.

Kyle (as Walnut)

So yeah. So, uh… anyways, so yeah, the duel. Yeah, tell me about the duel.

Kyle

The more you talk about how you just kind of lucked into it, Walnut gets more anxious and then just deflects into being like…

Tom (as Hilda)

[Exhales.]

Kyle (as Walnut)

So you’re fighting against Irene, right? Irene’s very strong.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

It’s true. I don't know if I can beat her.

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

I believe in you too, buddy.

Kyle

Booker’s particularly upset because he’s been feeling a little more spritely since getting that extra page. In fact, I gave Tom a list of permanent upgrades he could give Booker in response to him reclaiming one of his pages, to which Tom chose the move It’s Super Effective which gives Booker strengths and weaknesses based on his element. Which I suppose doesn’t really affect the duel where the light puts Booker at full strength anyway, but still.

Tom (as Hilda)

I mean, it was a close thing last time, we might have them, but Irene also has more Necromon now, so…

Emily (as Booker)

[Downcast.] Rekoob.

Tom (as Hilda)

Either way, I think this will be the last time I’m in a tournament, because this is not exactly what I was looking for. I just wanted to do cool stuff with Necromon with my friends. All the pressure from the competition and then how messed up Oset Scuba turned out to be, it’s just… this is not exactly what I was looking for.

Kyle

You just get a sympathetic tuba or trombone noise from Mom Yulia who I realize I’ve never physically described, so I just want to mention this pear-shaped woman in suspenders with massive clown pants and red hair that puffs out from the side of a head that is just covered by a giant trombone that she’s playing sympathetically.

Tom

Read the room, mom. Except she doesn’t actually say that.

Kyle

She would just start reading things on the wall. She’d go up with Freddie and be like ‘alright, let’s start reading.’ Walnut tries to understand, and dae’s like:

Kyle (as Walnut)

Not another tournament? Alright, well let’s see how you feel after you’re the champion. Irene—

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m not going to be the champion, but I’m going to do one thing better than that.

[Sentimental piano music begins.]

I’m going to keep being your rival so that you can become stronger and face me at my full strength too. Me and Booker still have a lot of cool tricks.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Tom (as Hilda)

So, even if I’m not the champion, I’m hoping that you’d still be willing to duel with me, like in a friendly not-in-a-tournament way, if that’s alright.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody with Heart.

Tom

Alright. Let’s do this thing.

[Rolls.] That’s a 10.

Kyle

Walnut doesn’t quite know what to make of that.

Kyle (as Walnut)

[Stammers.] What? Rival… You’re rivals with Irene. I mean, that’s the one, uh… that’s um—

Kyle

As dae tries to process, you start hearing cheering from outside.

Kyle (as Chazz)

[Muffled.] Begin!

Kyle

Or something like that. So Walnut turns to Freddie.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Freddie, Freddie, Freddie! The duel, it’s starting! We gotta get to good seats. We gotta get to good seats!

Kyle (as Yulia)

[Trombone sounds.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yulia says to Alina. I’m committing to this.

[00:10:00]

Tom

You’re just making her a Charlie Brown parent. God.

Kyle

Alina says…

Kyle (as Alina)

Alright, good-good-good.

Kyle

…and she does a couple of brushes and just gives you a kiss on the forehead and a little honk on your nose, just a little squeeze like squeezing a clown horn. And yeah, they all run off, and Walnut says:

Kyle (as Walnut)

You got it, Hilda! Even if she’s got more Necromon, you’ve got good things in your corner too.

[Sentimental music returns.]

Kyle

And Walnut runs off. As a reward for your 10, you notice on the bench next to you that dae has left behind a Necromon card with an Odacova on it.

[Various emotional sounds.]

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob…

Emily

Booker glares.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Look, I can’t leave it here.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Emily

He lifts up his front little leg and points at it and sticks his little eyestalks up at Hilda, like “I’m seeing this, are you seeing this.”

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob?

Tom (as Hilda)

Yeah, I’m seeing it too.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom

Hilda’s gonna pick up the Odacova card.

Emily

Which is good because Booker had lunged for it.

Kyle

[Laughs.] And you’re gonna walk out?

Tom

Yeah.

[Intense marching band music begins.]

Kyle

[Emphatic, to the music.] Thud! Thud! Thud!

It’s got the oppressive rigidity of a clock, the constant beat pushing you forward. But it’s not a gentle tick-tock, no, it’s the stomping of the crowd who are cheering and hooting and hollering, almost like a bunch of hungry predators. You’re hearing music play. What kind of music would Hilda choose as her intro song?

Tom

My gut says it’s fucking band music, like marching band music.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I love it, though! I love it. You come out to marching band music. You’re able to center yourself around the music a little bit, you can use it to drone out the beating, but it is overwhelming sensations as you walk to one side of a giant arena. It looks like a basketball court but each side has a giant tower with a ladder that you have to climb on and you will lead your Necromon from on top of this platform on top of the tower.

Above the tower, you can see the dome has a glass ceiling through which a blinding light is cast upon you by the scorching rays of the sun which feel just a little bit closer because this stadium is built on the side of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper, so you are alarmingly close to space again.

Tom

Oh geez. No.

Hallie

God damn it.

Tom

Why? I don’t want to go back to space.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

As you get to the top, you notice that Irene is not there yet, and the crowd dies down… and a different song begins. Irene, what would your song be?

Emily

[Giggling.] Um… intense classical music.

[Dies irae plays over the speakers.]

Kyle (as Chazz)

And on the other side we have the most ferocious, the most tenacious, most fearsome future greatest Necromon Trainer of all time! Her words, not mine, folks. Irene Hawthorne!

Emily

The cymbals crash!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And everyone starts to cheer and hoot and holler. This continues and goes and goes, and… goes, and then it starts to fade out a little bit, and the song loops, and Irene’s not on the podium, and Irene didn’t come out of the locker room on the other side.

[Music ends.]

Tom

Hilda is already walking across the stadium over to the other locker room to try and check for Irene, see if she’s okay.

Kyle

You make your way down, and you make your way across, and at this point the clapping is just very stilted, uncomfortable and confused.

Kyle (as Chazz)

Well! Uh… what was that?

[Muffled voice speaks to Chazz.]

What? Excuse me?

[Muffled voice speaks.]

Okay, and you didn’t think to… You know, you could have told me before this. I don’t… What do you expect me to do?

[Muffled voice speaks a lot.]

Can we give her a little more…?

[Muffled voice responds.]

Can’t give—Okay.

Kyle

As you’re walking through the other side, you just hear Chazz Casey say:

Kyle (as Chazz)

Uh… Hilda Miszkiewicz wins!

Kyle

And the band music starts playing again.

[Intense marching band music begins.]

Tom

Hilda is some mixture of fear and fury. Irene did not just forfeit me through to the championship. Nuh-uh. No way. Hmm…

Kyle

That’s what you’re thinking about as you burst through the other locker room?

[Music ends.]

Tom

Well, Hilda doesn’t want to think about what this potentially means for Irene.

[00:15:00]

Emily

Everything’s fine.

Tom

Nothing is fine and nothing will ever be fine again!

Emily

I’m establishing you as my rival!

Tom

What do I see?

Kyle

You see three men, although men is the wrong word.

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

They’re tall figures. They have long black coats, round sunglasses and black trilby hats, and their faces are expressionless.

Tom (as Hilda)

Where’s Irene?

Kyle

In unison, the three Overseers look to you. They motion in unison their hands to the door, widen their teeth and just go…

[Eerie breathing and teeth clicking together.]

Kyle (as Overseer)

... ..- -- -- --- -. . -..

Kyle

…speaking, if you can call it that, through a horrible clacking of their teeth.

Tom

Hilda is going to slowly—trying not to take her eyes off of the Overseers, and just holding Booker tight—head in the direction they have indicated.

Kyle

You follow the Overseers out of the building. As you walk out, you see a couple of other things. In front of you, right in front of the building, you see a large black purse which is surrounded by a bunch of other Overseers, one of whom seems to be talking to Quique.

Ari

[Smiling.] he would ask for like a credential showing their position of authority and like an official summoning document.

Kyle

Okay, so yeah. Hilda, you come down and you see that they’re showing Quique that they’ve got an official summons. It’s signed, it’s printed, it’s got little ghost ectoplasm lined across it like someone doing a blood oath. They’re just showing Quique all of this very formal documentation.

Ari (as Quique)

You better not make it long. You probably know there’s a tournament going on and I came here with people.

Kyle (as Overseer)

.- ... / .-.. --- -. --. / .- ... / -. . . -.. . -..

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, that means it’s gonna be really long, so I would still ask you to be efficient in your procedures.

Kyle (as Overseer)

.- .-.. .-- .- -.-- ... / . ..-. ..-. .. -.-. .. . -. -

Ari (as Quique)

Sure it is.

Tom (as Hilda)

Am I being summoned too?

Kyle

They turn to you and go:

Kyle (as Overseer)

-.-- . ...

Ari (as Quique)

They’re saying yes.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari (as Quique)

Why is the kid being summoned too? I assumed I parked my car somewhere incorrect. Well, because it wasn’t me, it was Ariel driving the car.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I parked my car wrong. That’s why we have ten FBI agents here.

Ari

I mean, you know… it has happened before.

Tom

Ooh, Hilda doesn’t like this. Oh dear. I… hmm. She’ll go up and squeeze Quique’s hand a little bit.

Tom (as Hilda)

We’ll just… We’ll just stick together.

Ari

Quique will return that because he can feel that Hilda needs it more than Quique does. He’s just annoyed.

Kyle

Yeah. So you get in the hearse, in the back.

Tom

Hilda, if she’s being allowed to, will text her moms what’s happening.

Kyle

Yeah, as you’re in the back of a hearse… you’re in the back where the coffins are. They didn’t take your phone, they didn’t take anything from you, so yeah, you can text your mom.

Emily

My dad’s hearse was really tricked out. It had beanbags in the back.

Kyle

This one does not have beanbags in the back. It has handcuffs.

Tom

Oh dear.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

You are driven through the Valley, and the Valley just seems so much more colorless right now. It seems so much more grim. That only amplifies as you get driven to a small courthouse with a modest clock tower and the door is opened for you to enter The Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement.

[Spooky, methodical, clock-heavy music.]

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

By sound alone, you can tell that whatever space you’ve just walked into is much bigger than its modest exterior would suggest. Above you, colossal ivory clock hands let out a booming tick, tock, tick, tock that reverberates through the cold stone lobby.

As if moved by the clock’s sound waves themselves, dozens of faceless workers in black and white attire float across the marble floor in the center of which the shadow of the clock looms over a circle of expanding engraved rings, the silhouette of its hands reaching across them all. In between the rings, you can read the words “from the Here, to the Hereafter, to the Afterworlds.”

[Music ends.]

[00:20:00]

You walk forward and you are motioned towards a figure sitting behind a receptionist desk. White dress, black little blazer on top of it. Her eyes are noted by these thin square glasses, these narrow square glasses, and she’s got subtle black lipstick. These figures are accentuated so much that you almost don’t notice right away that she doesn’t have ears. This receptionist looks to you and says:

Kyle (as receptionist)

Hello. Welcome to the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement. Could you please provide your identification?

Ari (as Quique)

You summoned me here, so surely you must have it.

Kyle (as receptionist)

My apologies. One second please.

Kyle

The figure, which is in this rotating chair, rotates herself 120 degrees.

[Silly villainous music begins.]

You see another torso, so another set of arms and legs, this time however she does not have a mouth but she does have ears which have glittering book earrings on them.

Hallie

God… cursed.

Kyle

She looks at you and motions for you to continue.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… I already said it. You summoned us here, so surely you must have our identification.

Ari

Quique is unphased by this body horror person.

Kyle

She puts up a finger and looks down and reads through some things, and nods for a second, and then rotates another 120 degrees. This time the torso and the body that is facing you has ears and a mouth but no eyes.

Hallie

Christ.

Kyle

This face, all the same person, says:

Kyle (as receptionist)

Ah yes, Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca and Hilda Miszkiewicz.

Ari (as Quique)

There we go.

Kyle (as receptionist)

You have been summoned to the penitentiary waiting room. You can go over there in order to visit your penitentiary patient, but before you do that, we do need you to leave behind some sort of identification. You can pick it up when you get back. Anything will do; a school ID, a driver’s license, or even, sir…

Kyle

And she motions to you.

Kyle (as receptionist)

…your hand.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari (as Quique)

Ah, yeah, of course. Como siempre, pidieron hasta la mano del muerto aqui. No, I can give you a pinky if you want. I am not giving you la mano del muerto in this case.

Kyle (as receptionist)

Unfortunately, sir, BITE does not negotiate. Our rules are very stringent.

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, but, before asking me for my hand, you said anything will do, so you are sort of contradicting yourself. I am taking it from the first stipulation you said. So, pinky.

Kyle (as receptionist)

I will accept this.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

She takes your pinky and puts it in the drawer.

Tom

Hilda will hand over a school ID.

Kyle

Okay! So you wanna go to the waiting room for the penitentiary?

Tom

It would appear we have no choice.

Kyle

[Scoffing, mocking himself.] Yeah, “want to.”

[Music ends.]

You go. As you go in, it’s one of those standard waiting rooms. You know the ones where you’ve got the glass wall and then you’ve got the phone on both sides as people are talking? You see a handful of folks talking. Most of them you don’t recognize, although in the corner you do see a core ScubaCorp employee being berated by a very disheveled Maybelline.

[Laughter.]

Her hair has been depoofed. The pink highlights are already fading out a little bit.

Hallie

Sucks to suck.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

I think your pure adherence is just so admirable, and I will praise you for that when you let me out and I get my position again. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Otherwise I might just have to fire you.

[Forced giggle.] Sorry!

Kyle

You notice that there aren’t any empty phone booths, but one of them has someone you do recognize. Sparky Malarky, what have you been doing as you’ve been waiting for the past couple of minutes?

Hallie

[Laughs.] You scared me. I was like—

Tom

Wait! Sparky’s the one in jail?!

Hallie

No.

Kyle

Not in jail. She’s on the outside.

Tom

Oh…

Hallie

You scared me though. I was like, wait, why was I arrested? Maybelline’s in jail, not me.

Kyle

You’re not arrested. You’re waiting.

Hallie

I didn’t kill anyone with my van.

[Bright bouncy silly music begins.]

I like to think that I was at ScubaCorp, up to my usual bullshit being like “I have to find the rutabaga boy!” And then they escorted me politely off the premises, like hey, you’re needed over here. I imagine that I got a similar summons if that is indeed why I am here.

Kyle

Yep, you got a summons as well.

Hallie

Okay. I like to imagine that was when I was…

Kyle

You only got one Overseer though. Sparky was not considered important enough for more.

Hallie

Wow! And I’m at their building every day. I am a threat. At least an annoyance. This is just fucking insulting.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Okay, yeah, you get the same as everyone else. So yeah, the two of you see Sparky there.

Tom (as Hilda)

Boss, do you have any idea what’s going on? Irene disappeared, and then all of these strange guys showed up, and I have no idea what’s happening.

[00:25:00]

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Do I know any more than the rest of them?

Kyle

Nope.

Hallie

Okay, um…

Tom

Sparky, thinking of the best way to lie.

Hallie

Sparky narrows her eyes, then. ‘See, I know everything.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

I can’t say for sure, but it is suspicious that the both of you were called. Looking for Irene, was it?

Tom (as Hilda)

Yeah.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Surely it’s suspicious that we got called here. I’m not surprised that you are in a place like this, though I probably would find you in the other side.

[Laughter.]

There probably was sort of a mistake on where they placed you. But in any case, aren’t you an investigative reporter? Shouldn’t you know these things? Isn’t that, like, your job?

Hallie

Sparky rolls her eyes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, as a matter of fact, I was actually pulled off of a different case for this, so my priorities are a little bit different right now. I don't know what this is about. But just for the record, I’ve never actually done anything illegal.

Hallie

She says, like a liar.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

I can count with all of my fingers, including the one I left back in the front desk…

Kyle

The desk just rattles a little bit as Quique picks up that finger.

Ari (as Quique)

…a lot of illegal things that you have done in my property alone. But that is beside the point.

Hallie

Sparky had forgotten about that debacle where she definitely did an illegal thing in like Episode 2.

Kyle

The one that led to the events of three days ago!

Hallie

Yeah. Yeah, that’s true. That is true. She will actually look a little bit sheepish, and then she is going to divert attention from herself.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Isn’t it funny that Maybelline’s over there?

Kyle

Maybelline glares at you.

Hallie

I don't care. In fact, I relish in it. It gives me more power.

Tom (as Hilda)

I don't know if funny is really the word I’d use for it, Boss.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ugh. Kid, develop a sense of humor.

Tom (as Hilda)

As nasty as she is and was, I’m not sure anybody deserves to be locked up by these Overseers.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You gotta learn to take joy where you can get it, kid.

Ari (as Quique)

She has a point, and I don’t usually say that often.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You do not.

Ari (as Quique)

No. I don’t really care about this Maybelline person, but I understand feeling the joy at seeing somebody behind that partition. I will say, if Irene is in there though, that would not give me joy.

Kyle

[Buzzer sound.] The door opens up on the other side of the room, and Emily, what do they see?

Emily

A very crabby child.

Ari

Oh no!

Emily

I guess in handcuffs.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Kid!

Tom (as Hilda)

Irene! Irene, what’s going on? What happened? They can’t do this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You had to say it, Quique.

Emily

She lifts up her hands together and does a little phone signal, because she can’t hear you.

Ari

Oh no. Oh, that’s right.

Tom

Hilda grabs up the phone!

Hallie

Yeah. All of us are crowding around the one phone.

Tom (as Hilda)

Irene, what’s going on?! What happened?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Irene, what the fuck?

Emily

Do I know what’s going on?

Kyle

Um… I’m gonna say yeah. You don’t know the specifics, but you know what you have been accused of.

Emily (as Irene)

I have been accused of murder.

Tom (as Hilda)

WHAT?!

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… what?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

What?

Tom (as Hilda)

Who?!

Ari (as Quique)

Why?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

How…?

Emily

[Laughing.] She shrugs her shoulders.

Tom (as Hilda)

Aren’t they required to tell you that?

Emily (as Irene)

Um, potentially? They read me some of my rights, but I would have loved for it to be slightly more comprehensive.

Kyle

I just imagine Ron-13 is like:

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Yeah, you got rights! … That’s probably good enough, right Ron-12?

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Yeah, that sounds good enough to me, Ron-13.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Alright, perfect. Yeah, you got rights.

Kyle

As they’re just shoving you in the car.

Tom

“Do you know you have rights? The Constitution says you do.”

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

You are entitled to a lawyer. Do you have one? Have you been provided one?

Tom (as Hilda)

We’ll find you a lawyer, Irene. We can do that.

Emily

Do I have a lawyer?

Hallie

Sparky awaits eagerly for this answer, Sparky in particular.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Unfortunately, the sole defense attorney, Phoenix Wight…

Kyle

Spelled W-I-G-H-T.

Hallie

[Wheezes in amusement.]

Kyle (as Elliot)

…is occupied at the moment. That’s why one of you is here, at least.

[Sinister formal music begins.]

Kyle

You can see the door shut as Elliot is just kinda standing there looking at all of you.

Ari (as Quique)

I’m a chemist, so it’s not me.

Tom

Hilda is going to look at Sparky.

Hallie

I assume that the chair, if there is a chair or three in front of the little phone booth, is not a rolly-chair, but can I make it a rolly-chair for funzies?

Kyle

Sure. You don’t have to spend me any AP for that.

Hallie

Because what I want to do is kick back from the little table so that the rolly-chair glides smoothly backwards, and I’m giving Elliot a death glare as I coolly skid backwards.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are you saying you’re not up to the job?

Kyle

He looks offended at that.

Hallie

Good!

[00:30:00]

Kyle (as Elliot)

Sparky, please, I could do… I could easily do it if I want to. Unfortunately—

Emily (as Irene)

Unfortunately, my brother is an asshole.

Emily

She says, using a word that she does not use.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Shush, Irene, the adults are speaking.

Kyle

He doesn’t even know what you said, he just motions to you.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Unfortunately, the prosecutor’s office is just… ugh, it’s just so busy right now that we have to take every case that’s given to us, and in this case the Overseers found fit that, um…

Hallie

Sparky stands up, walks straight up to Elliot, stands an inch away from him and says:

Hallie (as Sparky)

You do know that’s worse, right?

Ari (as Quique)

So, if I understand correctly, you are going against your sister?

Kyle (as Elliot)

I wouldn’t consider it against my sister, I’m simply filling my role in the cog of the cosmic clock of life.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You are such a—

Ari (as Quique)

That makes no sense.

Tom (as Hilda)

How can you say something like that?

Kyle (as Elliot)

Everything has its place, and if everything works in its place, then things go smoothly. I will work my job as best I can, and provided my poor enfeebled sister did somehow kill a man, then I will prove it.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

So, the lack of defense lawyers is also part of this well-oiled machine, is it? That’s working just as you intended?

Kyle (as Elliot)

Sparky, I don’t pretend to have any precedence over the machine, but I will say The Powers That Be were working in our favor this time. No defense attorney, someone with wonderful ambition… this could be a great stepping stone for you, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, you don’t pretend to have any decency either, and that’s the only saving grace about you.

Hallie

Then she turns and sits down.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Tell me everything, kid.

Hallie

And gets out a notebook—with her SmackBook Pro, and everyone else can say things, but Sparky’s just gonna be taking furious notes the rest of the conversation.

Tom

Hilda will listen but will be giving just an ice-cold death glare at Elliot for as long as he is in the room.

Kyle

He’s just standing there. He is waiting his turn.

Hallie

How polite.

Emily

Irene’s making angry little grabby hands.

Ari

Quique is going to just alternate between glaring at Elliot and apprehensively look at Sparky, internally thinking “I don't know if Sparky is the best defense option in here.”

Hallie

Wow!

Ari

And internally thinking that he might look for other options.

Hallie

Fuck you!

Emily (as Irene)

I am a little concerned to ask this, but are you an actual lawyer, Sparky Malarky?

Ari (as Quique)

You know you have to go to law school for that, don’t you?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well, Elliot passed, so it can’t be that hard.

Kyle

[Laughs.] He scoffs.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What are the criteria for being a defense lawyer, Elliot? Are there any, or is that just how the state of the justice system is?

Kyle

He flicks out a small yellow badge with scales of justice on them.

Hallie

Christ. Fuck him.

Kyle

And just sets it on the table.

Kyle (as Elliot)

That, really.

Emily (as Irene)

And you have to be a better person than Elliot, which is not very hard.

Kyle

He doesn’t know what you said, but he knows it was mean, so he just gives you a really upset smile.

Hallie

Sparky holds up a high-five to do with Irene through the glass.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene looks at her and slowly raises up her cuffed hands.

Hallie

Mirroring her, to be supportive, Sparky puts her other hand up on the glass and does a weird non-handcuffed high-five.

Emily (as Irene)

So, I have a lawyer, question mark, a detective, and a person who is going to avenge me in the Necromon Tournament.

Ari (as Quique)

I will certainly…

Tom (as Hilda)

Won’t we miss the tournament, though, dealing with your case? This is more important now.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Unfortunately, that is the way it aligns. Normally, cases take a while, but ScubaCorp wanted this one wrapped up relatively quickly.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ah. Everything working as it should, huh?

Kyle (as Elliot)

The trial is tomorrow and there will be a verdict by the end of the day.

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh, that sounds illegal.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. I am no lawyer, but that doesn’t sound like a thing that should be permitted.

Kyle (as Elliot)

So the Bureau says it is, so it is. If The Powers That Be had any objection to it, we would have heard by now.

Emily (as Irene)

Don’t bother trying to reason with Elliot. He doesn’t understand reason.

Ari (as Quique)

He doesn’t understand life.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hey!

Hallie

Sparky also offers her hand for a high-five with Quique.

Ari

Quique begrudgingly does a high-five with Sparky.

Hallie

Yes!

[00:35:00]

[Upbeat investigation music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Now, obviously I am being set up.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, obviously.

Emily (as Irene)

[Measured, staggered as she searches for words.] So, um… not that I necessarily need assistance, because obviously I am very good at things, um… I can admit when I have not necessarily met certain certifications such as law school or cannot get out of a locked cell to investigate. And so, I would like to request assistance.

Ari (as Quique)

You got it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Automatically.

Tom (as Hilda)

Of course.

Emily (as Irene)

Well Hilda, you need to win the tournament for me. That would be your assistance.

Kyle

Kyle, note to self, you gotta have a video of just Tom’s face every time Emily says “so you’re dueling, right.”

[Laughter.]

Emily

Sorry, Tom.

Hallie

The video game choice comes up.

Tom (as Hilda)

But Irene, you see, what if there’s more important things in life than dueling?

Emily

Irene gives you a look, like she can’t process what you just said.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

So, anyway, lawyer. Do you have a plan?

Ari (as Quique)

Do you have a plan, lawyer?

Ari

Crossing his arms.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well first, um… who was murdered?

Emily (as Irene)

[Exhales.] Some ScubaCorp employee named Sammy Ester.

Hallie

Sparky drops her SmackBook Pro. She wasn’t even holding it, it just drops.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Sandy Ester?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

Sammy.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Sammy Vester?

Emily (as Irene)

Sparky Malarky…

Tom (as Hilda)

Sammy Ester, Boss.

Emily (as Irene)

…step it up.

Ari (as Quique)

Why do the specifics of the name matter, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Shaky exhale.]

Ari (as Quique)

Did you know this guy? The name sounds familiar to me.

Tom (as Hilda)

We saw him I think back at the tower.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Worked up.] I have been trying to find him.

Emily (as Irene)

Well, he’s dead, apparently.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Breathless.] For three days.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Dead again, technically.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, that is not good. That is not good. That is not good.

Tom (as Hilda)

He was a ghost?

Emily (as Irene)

Go away, Elliot.

Kyle (as Elliot)

One of the dead.

[Sinister piano music begins.]

We haven’t seen his classification often, but I haven’t seen any living person take the form of a giant stuffed doll, and no one has been able to find him in the Hereafter, so presumably he was one of the dead and, once killed, was sent to the Afterworlds.

Tom (as Hilda)

But is there any physical evidence other than him being missing?

Ari (as Quique)

I know the Afterworlds are a little bit more chaotic and harder to locate people, but you still can find ways to do it if you really want to, you know, not accuse somebody of murder or something.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Are you questioning BITE’s ability?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, clearly.

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, honestly, based on what I have heard right now, maybe.

Kyle (as Elliot)

The Afterworlds are chaos themselves. You die in the Here, you go to the Hereafter. You die in the Hereafter, you go to the first layer of the Afterworlds. Every time you die you go to another layer further down. The further down you go, the more entropy begins to take in, the more you begin to lose yourself, the more you become unrecognizable. There’s a reason the Bureau has shut off access to the Afterworlds from the rest of existence. They are far too dangerous.

[Music ends.]

Ari

So, since Quique knew all of this information, while Elliot was saying this he’s just gonna have asked Irene if there was anything else that she could tell us.

Hallie

I’d like to imagine we’re just talking. Yeah, they’re just talking over Elliot.

Ari

This is like a “well, actually” kind of situation, so Quique’s not listening to that. I just didn’t want to actually interrupt.

Hallie

We’ll keep that in, for the audience.

Tom

I love us reframing all of our lore as in-universe mansplaining.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

I have not been informed of any specific evidence they have against me, but someone clearly had to have set up something, otherwise they would not have chosen me specifically.

Ari (as Quique)

It is definitely contrived.

Tom (as Hilda)

So, does the prosecution have to share any evidence with the defense team? I was under the impression that’s how a trial works.

Kyle (as Elliot)

A normal trial, yes, but in an expedited trial like this, circumstances change. You have a great investigator, soon to be lawyer, on your side. I’m sure you’ll find all the evidence you need, and—

[00:40:00]

Emily (as Irene)

And I’m sure you won’t find any!

Kyle

He looks at you, Irene.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Don’t consider me so heartless. I at least paid off your bail enough to give you this.

[Sci-fi ghostly music begins.]

Kyle

He lifts up two coins. You can see that one of the coins has a heads, one has a tails, and on the other side it’s blank. He hands one of the coins to you, Sparky, and slips the other one to Irene.

Kyle (as Elliot)

This is a summoning coin. We bring it out in special circumstances where someone has paid their bail but are considered too dangerous to leave. Essentially, a simple twist of the coin and you will summon the coin’s other half and it will bring alongside it the soul of whoever is holding onto the coin. Now, for folks like…

Kyle

And he kinda just motions to you, Quique.

Kyle (as Elliot)

…him, since their souls and their bodies are one, we can’t really do this. Summoning the soul of the dead is like summoning their entire existence. They have no body to speak of. The living however, since our souls and body are separate, you can use this to bring my dear sister along on your little investigation and her body will remain safely here in the interim.

Ari (as Quique)

You forgot to mention another person this wouldn’t work with. You. You may have a body, but you definitely have no soul.

Emily

Irene smiles.

Hallie

Sparky offers a fist-bump for that one.

Ari (as Quique)

Ugh…

Ari

He’s gonna return it.

Hallie

Yes.

Emily

Nothing brings us all together like hating Elliot Hawthorne.

Hallie

Yeah, this is how our party comes together. Fuck Elliot Hawthorne.

Kyle

I’m just gonna put a door slam sound effect, and Elliot is gone.

Hallie

[laughs.]

Tom

Good.

[Music carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Hello, newly minted lawyers and detectives. Before I set you loose on the investigation, I have a briefing for you in the form of an announcement break. Today’s briefing, as do most professional briefings, has a written component. First off, if you would check the description, you will find a link to an end of arc survey which I would absolutely love if you could click.

End of arc survey, this is just a general audience survey to get an idea of who you are, what you’re liking about Hereafter, what you want to see out of Hereafter. I thought now would be a great time to do it just because we’re going to be in a bit of a transitionary period. By the time the survey is due, we might have started recording the next arc, but your feedback will still be extremely helpful.

In addition, I’ve got a slot at the end of it for a Q&A question. We used to do a Q&A livestream every year. Now we’re gonna do a Q&A episode and maybe stream – we’re still deciding how that’s all going to work – between this arc, the end of the ScubaCorp arc, and the next Hereafter arc. I should have more information for you by next episode and also definitely on our social media, but all you need to know for now is that your feedback will be extremely helpful.

Every slot on the survey is gonna be completely optional, so fill out what you’re comfortable with and leave blank what you’re not comfortable with. And then, again, at the end you can submit a question for our post-arc Q&A.

The end date for the survey is also very TBD, however I would estimate it’s gonna be open up for about another month. So, while I’ll give a specific deadline next episode, if you could fill out the survey by the end of January, again that would be really helpful.

Point is, survey below, please enter by end of January. We also do Q&A, sometime when arc is done.

In addition to that, I’ve got a promo for you today for a show that I have been on called Beholder to No One.

[Game show music begins.]

Beholder to No One is an award-winning TTRPG podcast that has over 240 episodes. Nikki, the host, releases discussion episodes with guests from the TTRPG community on Mondays. Then, on Thursdays, there are alternating shows: Beholder to One-Shot where Nikki and friends play usually non-D&D games, and then D&D 5e actual plays.

You can catch three finished actual play shows right now. There’s Behold Clearlight which is a horror-themed D&D 5e game where things lurk in the mist, Morning Blues, a Cowboy Bebop inspired D&D 5e actual play based in Eberron,

[00:45:00]

and Adventure Academia which, as you can guess, is a story about a group of academy students who are sent on their first adventure as illegal warlock patrons help guide the way.

I wasn’t on any of those actual play shows, I was on the Monday discussion episodes. We talked a lot about adapting existing media, which… I made a roleplaying system based on cartoons. Adaption is what I do, so it was a very fun discussion. So again, you can find Beholder to No One by searching Beholder to No One through whatever podcast platform you’re listening to this on or by checking the link in the description below.

[Music ends.]

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you this episode. As you’re about to hear, The State v. Irene Hawthorne is going to be a multipart episode, three or four. We’re gonna find out when we finish recording this weekend. But, you’ll be able to listen to Part 2 on Monday, January 23. I’ll see you then.

[Silly villanous music plays and carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

Okay!

Tom

Alright.

Kyle

So, let’s talk about how this investigation is going to work. The remainder of today’s session, so this episode and next episode…

Tom

Oh fuck.

Kyle

…is going to be reserved for gathering evidence, and then after that it is time for the trial.

Tom

So you’re saying me having a hard cut-off tonight hurts us, because that means our investigation comes to an end at 11 no matter what.

Kyle

Yeah. Well, I do have a limitation already. You’re gonna be limited to about probably four-ish locations you can go to.

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

I’d highly encourage you to begin with the murder scene which you do know is in Oset Scuba’s office. You know that’s the crime scene.

Tom

Okay.

Hallie

There we go.

Kyle

You have a little dossier that has that. Sammy Ester, he’s dead, here’s some basic information about him. A lot of that information actually is on—

Tom

Our student handbook?

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

The court record.

Tom

What?

[Upbeat investigation music begins.]

Kyle

The way this works is, over the course of the next two sessions, you are going to gather clues, people, and theories.

Tom

Motherfucker.

Kyle

These are gonna be important both for exploration and they’re gonna be mechanically important for the trial, because these are going to be the only way you’ll be able to prove things in the trial. You need hard evidence.

Tom

Holy shit.

Kyle

So, the court record includes, again, any people, clues or notable theories and testimonies. There is no benefit to splitting up, absolutely no benefit at all. Stay together as a party. You don’t save time in real life, so you’re not gonna save time in the game.

Ari

In a Phoenix Wright game you would save time because you have to go to multiple locations with a location and jump back and forth.

Hallie

And yet they never actually separate.

Kyle

Yeah, this is like the Phoenix Wright case where there’s a half an hour drive and you take it multiple times in a single day. That’s the kind of timeframe we’re working on here.

Ari

Will Sparky get like a fake badge so that she can obnoxiously show it?

Kyle

Yes.

Tom

It’s in our inventory already!

Hallie

We have their little badges!

Kyle

You have four clues. You have an attorney’s badge, you have the Oset’s dossier which is the thing Sparky got last adventure that said “wow, Oset really likes rutabaga and Sammy is the only one he lets give them to him,” you have the first blank Booker page which you’ve already read and you can have that message repeat at any time, and then Sparky has the second blank Booker page which she never gave to Hilda. That might include something helpful, it might not.

[Music ends.]

But it doesn’t feel right just giving you those clues and nothing else, because Sammy has been on Sparky’s radar since last session.

Hallie

At the very end of that session, Sparky connected the dots and figured out she was supposed to be protecting rutabaga boy.

Kyle

Rutabaga boy! Yeah.

Hallie

Rutabaga boy! So I feel like, in between, Sparky would try to do that.

Kyle

So you learned, your big rutabaga mystery which was sparked by a vision, essentially said you have to protect Sammy Ester.

Hallie

Save the rutabaga… yeah.

Kyle

Because otherwise the world will end. Um, roll me +Books.

Hallie

Okay.

[Rolls.] Hmm. Oh, that’s actually not that bad. Ten, with the +Books.

Kyle

Okay. Every time you go to protect Sammy Ester or learn anything about him—because all you know is that he’s at the ScubaCorp Spacescraper because he works for them.

Hallie

Yeah, which I don’t really wanna go back to super bad, but you know, this is my job.

Kyle

Literally every time you come some different Overseer or Undertaker pushes you away.

[00:50:00]

Hallie

I have to save the world and I am getting grumpier day by day that doesn’t fucking happen because of bureaucracy.

Kyle

So you don’t get in, but at one point when you get pushed back you notice something on the ground and you pick it up.

Hallie

Okay, I just have a mysterious item.

Kyle

A mysterious item.

Hallie

Oh-ho-ho.

Kyle

So, you’ve had that item for a couple of days now, and in this new context you realize that it’s a clue.

[Sci-fi investigation music begins.]

You see, the Books roll I just had you do wasn’t actually for protecting Sammy, it was for the move Investigate. On a full success for Investigate, you get to ask a specific question about the mystery other than who did the crime, how they did it, or why they did it. These are three things I know and so three things Ari can’t use Why Would I Lie to say…

[Laughter.]

Ari

Okay~

Hallie

What time did the murder happen?

Kyle

The item that you picked up after being brushed off by an Overseer was in a largely indecipherable… code feels like the wrong word because it was mostly just bureaucratic jargon. But, re-looking at it, you can guess that it was likely a warrant for the arrest of Irene Hawthorne.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

You see that the warrant was put in place 20 minutes after you landed out of jumping out of the Spacescraper.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

So he presumably died between the last time you saw him, which was before fighting Maybelline and Eddie, and then 20 minutes after that fight ended.

Hallie

And then about what… Can we just make up a timeframe for that? Like between 11 and 11:20. For the sake of—

Kyle

Yeah, you can just make up times. Yeah.

Hallie

Okay. We’re gonna say 11 and 11:20 because I like those numbers.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. Location 1, where are we going?

Hallie

Oset Scuba’s office, right?

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

You walk through the main lobby. You walk up the spiral staircase. You open the office and are greeted to a-

Kyle (as rocker vocalist)

RON SQUAD!

[Rock music stinger plays]

Hallie

No~!

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Well hey! Hey, what do you think you’re doing here?

[Aggressive bumbling music begins.]

We’re Ron-13.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

And Ron-12.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Ron-13.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

And Ron-12.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

We are doing interrogations right now. Alright? Alright? So, if you wanna be interrogated, you wait your turn.

Kyle

You see that they were questioning Lucas Bang…

Hallie

No!

Kyle

…who’s just there in that room.

Hallie

My sweet boy. He can’t stand up to an interrogation.

Kyle

Oh, he’s sweating. He’s on the verge of tears. He’s cried a little bit already.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Ron-13)

So what makes you think you can come in here?

Hallie

I hold out the badge.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We’re lawyers now, and as lawyers we say stop it.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

I mean, you’re just defense lawyers. We have to let you in, but we don’t gotta be nice about it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You sure haven’t been.

Kyle

They high-five each other at that.

Hallie

[laughs.]

Emily

So, you said they have to summon me?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

I have already summoned Irene once we get up here.

Kyle

Yeah, let’s describe this now.

[Ghostly music begins.]

You press the coin, and it continues to spin in the air. As it does, you notice it gets a little thicker, and suddenly the other side of the coin, the other head, graphs onto this one and it’s made whole. In front of you, you see Irene. You think you see Irene.

[Music ends.]

She looks pretty much the same except you can see right through her, almost like a phantom.

Tom

[Whispering.] She’s a phantom.

Ari (as Quique)

Hey kid.

Emily (as Irene)

Hello.

Ari (as Quique)

You ready to do another detective work? The best one yet.

Emily (as Irene)

[Flatly.] Yay…

[Chuckling.]

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Ah! A ghost!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Silly Halloween music begins.]

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Ron-12, we see ghosts all the time. It’s fine.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Ah, that’s true.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Also, that’s categorically a phantom. You know, phantoms are the souls of those who died unseen or concealed, you know, those who die without anyone knowing who they really were.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Ah yeah, I forgot, you’re a real scholar there, Ron-13.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

I try. You know, ghostly terminology, I just really like taxonomy for ghosts. [Chuckles.]

Kyle

Speaking of, Irene, as a phantom, you have a move called Mister Cellophane where you can turn invisible at will.

Ari

[Delighted.] Oh no…

Kyle

But yeah, in the world of Hereafter, what form you take as the dead is dependent on the circumstances of your death, and in Irene’s case, since her soul has been separated from her body, she’s categorically dead, and since she quote-unquote “died” without anyone knowing who she truly is, she’s a phantom.

Ari

Oh no.

Tom

Wow.

Kyle

That’s why Ronda’s a phantom too, because no one celebrated her birthday in life.

Ari

So what’s the lore behind being a skeleton?

Kyle

I knew this question would come up, and I’m just gonna let you ponder it, Ari, and tell me what you think it is.

Emily

He was bone tired.

Hallie

Hey!

Tom

Except this is one of the questions I have because Sammy is apparently a rare type of haunted puppet man. What does that tell us?

[00:55:00]

Ari

He was, like… He was somebody’s puppet.

Tom

He was very easily manipulated.

Hallie

He was really cute, because he’s like a doll.

Emily

He kept getting possessed by demons until he got that tattoo…

Ari

Until he got that tattoo.

Emily

…to protect him from getting possessed.

Ari

It’s true. He was born to be possessed, quite literally. Like, that was his… [Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Speaking of references to Supernatural. Spoilers for anyone.

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

You see a puppet man in the middle of the floor with a nail stuck through his heart.

Hallie

No!

Ari

Oh! They didn’t even remove the body?!

Tom

I mean, it’s not a conventional body.

Ari

Still… like, respect, you know.

[Ambient investigation music begins.]

Kyle

To describe what you see in the crime scene, you see the spread-out stitching. He seems to be cut all over. There are pieces falling off a little bit. I don’t want to get into grizzly details, but essentially it’s a cut up doll that’s been flattened out almost as if the stuffing has been taken out of it. There are a couple of marks, and notably, before you do more investigation, what you see is a giant fucking nail stuck through his heart and a lot of plant life around him, specifically deadly nightshade.

Hallie

Ooh.

Ari

Now, question. Do we have access like in the later Ace Attorney games to a DNA testing thing or luminol or something to kind of tell…?

Kyle

You are a chemist, Quique. Yeah, I’ll let you roll for it.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

So Quique immediately just starts scooping shit up. What are you scooping up and what for?

Emily

Dust for fingerprints!

Ari

Yeah, dust for fingerprints.

Kyle

Alright Quique, where’s the duster for fingerprints? You just grab it out of your coat pocket?

Hallie

I would fully believe.

Ari

A detective doesn’t go without it, so I just have it with me. Yes. I know somebody, so I claim to have an item stashed away that would be useful to me during a scene, and that item is a fingerprint duster.

Kyle

Roll Investigate with advantage.

Ari

Okay, with advantage. Is that a plus something?

Kyle

Plus Books is what Investigate is.

Ari

That is a…

[Rolls.] Eleven.

Hallie

Ooh!

Tom

Nice.

Ari

Yeah!

Kyle

Okay. You notice fingerprints from Oset Scuba, Alina, Lucas Bang, and then kind of roughly all over the body you see a bunch of marks that aren’t caused by fingerprints that would be caused by bone fingers touching it.

Ari

Oh…

Kyle

You also, while investigating, notice something else. Every time you go to a new location you get a clue for free. It’s a mixed success clue, so essentially I will give you a piece of evidence randomly chosen from the Ultimate RPG Gamemaster’s Worldbuilding Guide. You can ask me do you want it to relate to who did it, why they did it, or how they did it.

Ari

I want it to be related to who did it.

Kyle

Okay. You notice that, in addition to some of the plant life on his body, you see little bits of glitter as well.

Ari

But there’s no fingerprints of Madeline or whatever her name is?

Others

Maybelline.

Kyle

No, you don’t see fingerprints of Maybelline.

Ari

Okay. Is it too much to ask if… I know that bone fingerprints don’t actually have fingerprints, but if they match the size of Quique’s bone finger? Just to, you know, see if…

Kyle

You put your thumb up to check and it’s a dead ringer.

Ari

Alright, that’s what I thought.

Emily

A “dead” ringer?

Tom

Oh…

Hallie

Hey~!

Ari

A “dead” ringer. That’s what I suspected. Okay.

[Music ends.]

Tom

I have I guess a couple of things I would like to do around now, but the first thing Hilda is doing is checking to see if there are any security cameras that are visible in this room.

Kyle

Yeah, roll me Investigation. Actually, this one I’m gonna do Understand, I’m not gonna do Investigate, because you have a specific question in mind. Are there security cameras?

Tom

Does that change the stat any?

Kyle

No, it’s the same stat, it’s just the difference between… In yours, I’m just gonna answer your question, I’m not gonna use this book if you roll a mixed success.

Tom

Does any PC have a skill that is relevant to that?

Ari

I don't think so.

Tom

Come on, Sparky. You gotta have something here.

Hallie

Okay, so I have a skill in Investigation. I also have an inability in Perception when focused because she tends to block everything out when she’s focused.

Tom

Well, luckily, that inability is not relevant to my power which is My Friends Are My Teachers. I gain +1 forward on any rolls related to a skill possessed by a fellow PC, so I get all of your Investigation with none of your tunnel vision.

[01:00:00]

Hallie

Okay. I lend all my investigation to you.

Tom

[Rolls.] However, that only bumps this roll up to a 9, sadly.

Hallie

Oh. Bummer.

Kyle

So mixed success?

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

Yeah, you see a camera.

Tom

That tracks with what we saw when we were in Scuba’s lair. Okay, we gotta find all the witnesses. Hilda’s not gonna step on toes, so she’s already just going to assume that Sparky is going to interrogate Lucas Bang.

Hallie

Oh absolutely. Yeah.

Tom

And she is going to immediately text Alina with:

Tom (as Hilda)

Mom, you need to describe in as much detail as possible exactly what happened after we led everyone to Oset Scuba’s office the other night.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

While waiting for a response from mom, Hilda’s gonna see if we can speak to Oset Scuba.

Ari

I know you don’t want to split the party, but I have an idea on how to find one of the Quiclones to ask them. I have Natural Hunter where I can find a creature if I have access to an item related to the creature I’m hunting, and since we’re clones my whole body is an item related to the creature I’m hunting.

[Laughter.]

Tom

I love to see this kind of defeated look on Kyle.

Ari

I love that his face is blurred with the background, so it’s just…

Tom

I think that just means we hunt them down after we’re finished here.

Ari

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

Kyle

Yeah-yeah-yeah, but give me a roll now since we’re talking about it.

Ari

Okay, +Fierce.

Kyle

And then with advantage I think, right?

Ari

Yeah.

[Rolls.] So, a 10.

Hallie

Hey!

Kyle

They’re in fucking jail! They got caught by the cops! They’re all in fucking jail!

Ari

Well I didn’t see them.

Kyle

Well, who the fuck are they gonna call? Ariel?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

No! Yeah, but like, I didn’t see them where Irene was, unless like…

Tom

They were probably just in the cells.

Kyle

Irene is held in a temporary jailing facility, but you don’t see who’s all in the cells, you just see who comes out to talk to you.

Emily

So, I have a question.

Kyle

Yeah?

Emily

If Quique were to let us know about this, could they unsummon me and I go question one?

Hallie

Oh!

Ari

Yes!

Tom

Ooh, that would be powerful.

Emily

Can I be like across the hall or something?

Ari

[Delighted.] Split. Split the party, all along.

Hallie

[Whispering, chanting.] Split the party! Split the party!

Kyle

Listen. You were the ones who asked for a full-party adventure. If you’re gonna split the party, I’ll let it happen. Yeah, absolutely.

Emily

Just, like… we could just have a really quick scene where she goes and does that and then comes back.

Kyle

Yeah, you know what, we’ll do that. We’ll start next episode with your scene talking to a Quique.

Ari

Okay. Write that down in your notes.

Kyle

Alright. Who else is investigating what?

Emily

I would like to investigate my Necromon.

Hallie

Aww.

Kyle

We’ll say after you appear, Irene, just like a Necrocard is what bonds a Necromon to the Here, you are what bonds them as well. So actually, after you appear, a few seconds after that…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

[Bouncy childish music begins.]

Kyle

Something gets knocked over as Boidelrat, who also suddenly appeared alongside you, starts knocking over shit. You can actually see a couple of plants come out of her body and start going on top of the deadly nightshade that is already there at the crime scene. All of the other Necromon get summoned as well.

Hallie

Pokeyo immediately starts chasing Boidelrat off.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Runs down the hall.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Exasperated.] Oh-ee-kope, oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Angry.] Uh-lay-um!

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope!

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm!

Tom

The Mossies are just hiding by Irene’s ankles because they are sad and scared.

Emily

Aww~

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

Mallea is in front of Irene, like ‘I protek.’

Emily (as Irene)

Sit.

Emily

She’s talking to the Boidelrat.

Kyle

Boidelrat sits.

[Music ends.]

Emily

I feel like Irene would have cleaned out any deadly nightshade that would have been growing on the Boidelrat…

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

…but she’ll pick through to make sure.

Kyle

And yeah, you don’t see any deadly nightshade in Boidelrat.

Emily

Which is good because I’m now one of the dead.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

It’s daytime! As we all know, in the world of Hereafter only, deadly nightshade only works at night.

Emily (as Irene)

Further evidence of a setup.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib!

Emily

She does not explain this further, but nods.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

A setup? A setup for—AHH, a ghost!

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Ron-12! Ron-12, it’s a phantom. I already explained this.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

A phantom…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Why do you say that, Irene? The setup comment with the deadly nightshade.

Emily (as Irene)

Clearly they think that, just because I have plant Necromon as my companions, I leave plants everywhere, but I am in general a very neat person.

[01:05:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s true.

Emily (as Irene)

And my Boidelrat is not currently shedding this particular plant.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Well, we did find deadly nightshade around the other… like, there was an outline of a skeleton guy down the hallway that your Boidelrat was linked to. That had deadly nightshade too, as did other—

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Hey, Ron-12! Ron-12!

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you for the information.

Hallie

Sparky’s still taking notes.

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Uh, well… you’re welcome.

Kyle

He gets a slap upside the head by Ron-13.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

No, Ron-12, we don’t tell them things.

Hallie (as Sparky)

So you said the skeleton was where?

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Oh, down the hallway!

Kyle

[laughs.] Ron-13 jumps in.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Down the hallway…

Kyle

Which, all the Necromon, we would know that is the skeleton body of one of the Quiclones when Strike Force Necromon just hid a bunch of them in the air vents.

Ari

Right.

Tom

God.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. So you, as I understand it, do not normally carry deadly nightshade on your person?

Emily (as Irene)

I do not, and neither does my Boidelrat. We shut that down.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, and how about giant nails?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

Also do not carry on my person or my Necromon.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s what I thought.

Ari (as Quique)

There is a possibility that for some reason the deadly nightshade just appears after a body appears. Is there any reason for you to—

Emily (as Irene)

That is not true.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, it’s true, but maybe it’s starting to happen now. I’m not saying that it does because you did it, but it’s a thing that they’re connecting to you.

Emily (as Irene)

I am known as a plant aficionado, and may I just say that is not how deadly nightshade works.

Ari (as Quique)

Kid, I was trying to defend you here.

Emily (as Irene)

I understand that, but we must be logical in our defense.

Kyle

Quique, you can’t get over a naggling feeling in the back of your mind, because this body isn’t how bodies appear when they’re dead.

Ari

Okay.

[Mysterious threatening music begins.]

Kyle

Because bodies don’t appear when the dead die. Your soul and your body are the same thing when you’re dead. But, you see a body in front in front of you. It’s a stuffed doll and the stuffing is cut out, but it’s a body. You don’t see any sign of ectoplasm or any other injuries that you might see when someone who is a ghost dies.

Ari

Is there a possibility that this is a fake body?

Hallie

I was gonna ask that. Actually, I wanted to look at the body specifically to see… I know this is a longshot, but what ideally I would like to find is a tag on the inside that says like ‘Party City’ or something like that. I want to see if there’s any indication this is just a fucking outfit somebody had and then put fake stuffing in.

Ari

Can I do a Help A Friend?

Kyle

Yeah, Help A Friend. What’s your relationship score with Sparky, your Compatibility Score?

Hallie

It’s not great.

Ari

It’s like -1.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Minus 1. It’s -1.

Kyle

Normally that would make her roll with disadvantage. I’ll just give you the 0 benefit and say that it gives Sparky a +1.

Hallie

Woohoo!

[Rolls.] Fourteen. One shy of a perfect roll. I had an 11 naturally.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So…

Hallie

Give me a tag!

Kyle

I was going to tell you actually a second ago, Ari, that you all can add “fake body?” with a question mark to your court record.

Ari

Alright.

Hallie

Yeah boy.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Kyle

But Sparky, as you look around the body and you see a tag that says Spirit City…

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle

…you can just get rid of that question mark, because this is a fake body.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

A couple of days, like literally two or three days have passed since the harrowing experience at ScubaCorp Skyscraper. Anything notable you wanna note that you’ve done since then?

Ari

At least one of the days just casually checking on Irene just to see that nothing sketchy is happening. I don't know if we like exchanged numbers or what, exactly how he would check on Irene I don’t know.

Hallie

He also writes her a letter.

Emily

I thought that it was a month between each session.

Kyle

Oh. You’re referring to something that happened earlier in Die hard?

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

Like a mail postal letter.

Ari

[Amused.] No!

Kyle

I’m trying to think if I want you to roll for this. Roll me a +Heart. Yeah!

Ari

A +Heart?

Kyle

Roll me a +Heart.

Ari

[Rolls.] Six.

Hallie

You got 6.

[01:10:00]

Ari

I got 6.

Hallie

That’s your second 6 today.

Ari

I know!

Hallie

What is it like being me? Does it suck?

Kyle

But yeah, you check in with Irene, let’s say the morning after. Irene, how do you respond?

Emily

Thumbs up.

Ari

[Laughs.] Oh no! At least it’s better than just “read,” you know?

Emily

Though actually, would Irene use emojis? Probably not.

Kyle

I feel like Irene has an old flip phone. She probably has a paid—like, she has what I had in middle school which is a pay-as-you-go phone. You know, you pay for each text and each minute.

Emily

You get the response all in lower case, “fjne.” She misspelled “fine.”

Ari

Quique has no idea what this means, so he’ll probably just be like, “yes.”

Kyle (as Ariel)

Um, pretty sure she just misspelled “fine,” tio.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah! Well, okay, sure. I didn’t know if it was one of the slangs you guys have.

Hallie

[Delighted.] Slangs.

Ari (as Quique)

You know, like “ttle” or something, or like…

Kyle (as Ariel)

Nobody uses that, tio.

Ari (as Quique)

Okay. Alright.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Nobody. Nobody uses—

Ari (as Quique)

Alright, “nfw.”

Kyle (as Ariel)

I’m pretty sure the last time you sent me an “lol” I aged by like five years.

Ari (as Quique)

But it’s like “lots of love,” right?

Kyle (as Ariel)

Sure, tio. Yeah, sure.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Behind them, Yunuen just does a little heart symbol with their hands for lots of love.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

Aww!

Kyle

ScubaSpace! If you want to make the perfect website inspired by Oset Scuba. We only have one template here, folks, because Oset Scuba has created perfection.

[Contented sigh.] And finally, let’s talk about Oset Scuba’s latest acquisition. Have y’all tried Twitter?!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh no. No!

Tom

No, please, we can’t date ourselves this way.

Ari

It’s gonna date this episode.

Hallie

Why would you—? Wow. Wow!

Tom

Don’t… No.

Hallie

Wow.

Emily

The youths already think we’re old, Kyle.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s true.

Emily

They already called me a boomer on my stream.

Tom

Is everyone laughing at True-ba Crime?

[Snickering.]

Kyle

I’m a bit disappointed I did the ScubaCorp Mattress joke twice. I’m gonna be honest. But, these chat logs are gonna be a heavens.

Ari

Oh yeah, I knew. I was like, Kyle’s gonna grab this content.

Kyle

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This is just for myself.

Tom

Subscribe to our Patreon, everyone.

Emily

Booker mostly unsuccessfully attempts to do the little punching your fist threateningly, but the fact is that he doesn’t have fingers.

Tom

Heh. So he’s just sort of clacking legs together?

Emily

[Laughs.] Yeah, he’s just tapping two legs together.

Tom

“Rekoob!”

Kyle

Are we ready to start the investigation?

Ari

Investigation time!

[Someone drums a tune on their desk.]

Kyle

So… I hope we’re all ready.

Ari

Oh, that’s why you had the tie. I thought it was because you had like a wedding—

Tom

Have you been wearing a suit just for a Phoenix Wright episode?!

Kyle

[Smiling.] I’ve been wearing a blue suit this whole time.

Tom

And you wore a jacket over it like an asshole just to conceal the fact that this was a Phoenix Wright episode.

Ari

I thought it was because you had a wedding or something, and I was like “oh, he probably just came straight from the wedding and didn’t think of changing.”

Kyle

Nope.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Okay. That makes more sense. I was like, that actually looks kind of strange.

Tom

[Heated but amused.] God damn it, Kyle!

Kyle

[Chuckling.] It’s a Phoenix Wright episode, everyone.