20. The State v. Irene Hawthorne (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Emily (as Irene)

I have been accused of murder.

Tom (as Hilda)

WHAT?!

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… what?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

What?

Tom (as Hilda)

Who?!

Emily (as Irene)

Some ScubaCorp employee named Sammy Ester?

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Shaken.] Sandy Ester?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

[Emphasizing.] Sammy.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Desperate.] Sammy Vester?

Emily (as Irene)

Sparky Malarky.

Tom (as Hilda)

Sammy Ester, Boss.

Ari

I have an idea on how to find one of the Quiclones to ask them.

Emily

Could they unsummon me and I go question one?

Tom (as Hilda)

Mom, you need to describe exactly what happened after we led everyone to Oset Scuba’s office the other night.

Kyle

Sparky, you look around the body and you see a tag that says Spirit City.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle

Because this is a fake body.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

[Ambling harmonica music begins.]

Kyle

Irene, with a whoosh you feel your soul literally propelled back into your body and half of a coin just falls on the ground in front of you. As you look around you, you can see in multiple jail cells different people. You can see Maybelline is over in the corner. She’s doing like an evil finger thing. She seems frazzled but frazzled in a way of somebody who has a plan.

In the cell next to her, next to you, across the way and all over, you see a bunch of Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canacas, one of whom is in front of you just doing a harmonica but he’s taken one of his bones and just carved it into a little harmonica that he’s playing woefully.

Ari

God…

Tom

[Shivers.]

Emily (as Irene)

You.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

The music-playing stops.

Kyle (as Fede)

Come on. What would you want from good old Fede?

Kyle

You can actually see the head is lower on the body because this skeleton has been rearranged into just a haphazard random bits-and-bobs of a shape.

Ari

Oh god.

Tom

No…

Kyle

He is not in a regular form.

Tom

What the fuck?

Kyle

Because this is the Quiclone that Pokeyo put back together but put back together incorrectly.

Tom

Oh no~

[Laughter.]

Hallie

They did their best. They’re a doctor sometimes.

Emily (as Irene)

I have questions.

Kyle (as Fede)

We all have questions.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes.

Kyle (as Fede)

What does it mean to be the sixth? Second, you know, you get something fun, and by the time you get to fifth you just get angry and vengeful. All you can do is play.

Kyle

And he looks at the little harmonica bone.

Emily (as Irene)

That’s very nice, I’m sure, but I have important questions that are relevant to something that I need to know SOON rather than something that this seems like will take you some time.

Kyle (as Fede)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You gotta chill out, little sis. You’re sounding a lot like Eddie right now.

Emily (as Irene)

How dare you. Eddie went down like a chump.

Kyle (as Fede)

He took us all with him, didn’t he?

Emily (as Irene)

Well that sucks for you.

Kyle (as Fede)

It sure does, little sis. It sure does.

Kyle

And he goes back to playing.

[Music resumes.]

Emily (as Irene)

Now, sir, did you see a murder?

Kyle

He thinks back to all the horrible, fucked up things Quique has seen, as canonically pointed out in the Halloween special, and thinks…

Kyle (as Fede)

Me from another life… Yeah.

Emily (as Irene)

Did you see a man named Sammy Ester get murdered three days ago in the ScubaCorp Spacescraper?

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody. Roll with Heart…

Emily

[Quiet, disappointed.] No…

Kyle

…but roll with advantage.

Emily

Okay…

[Rolls.] Eight.

Kyle

He’s gonna talk to you, but there’s gonna be a minor complication. He just starts singsonging along being like:

Kyle (as Fede)

Sammy Ester, never knew the name. Sammy Ester, ne—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

He looks down.

Kyle (as Fede)

You don’t have anyone in there with you, do you?

Emily

I don’t, do I?

Kyle

You feel, as you came back… Remember, when you were summoned to the other place, your Necromon appeared?

Emily

[Smiling.] Uh-huh?

Kyle

As you come to this place, you can feel your Necromon starting to appear around you.

[00:05:00]

But specifically, the first one to manifest is Pokeyo.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

Kyle (as Fede)

[Emotional.] Commander, is that you?

Ari

[Yelps in delight.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Starry-eyed.] Oh-ee-kope?!

[Silly dawdling music begins.] 

Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope!

Kyle (as Fede)

What are you doing here? I thought you got away.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope kope-kope-kope. Oh-ee-kope, oh-ee-kope.

Kyle (as Fede)

That’s terrible, Commander.

Kyle

The drawback is that he will only talk to Pokeyo.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Sweetly.] Oh-ee-kooope, kope. Oh-ee… kope?

Kyle (as Fede)

Oh, the stitching guy?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[As if nodding.] Oh-ee-kope.

Kyle (as Fede)

Oh yeah, I know exactly who you’re talking about.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope, kope! Oh-ee-kope~

Kyle

He’s so alarmed, his head jumps back up to the top of his body. He gasps, and all the other Quiclones around him gasp.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

Hallie

In deference, Pokeyo takes off their chef’s hat and holds it in front of them.

Kyle

All the Quiques take off their skulls and put it in front of them, and put it back on.

[Laughter.]

Fede looks over to the other ones.

Kyle (as Fede)

Guys, guys… make some noise. Make some noise.

Kyle

And the other ones start talking a bit more.

[Music fades into sounds of a group chatting.]

He grabs his head, sets it outside of the bars, and then just knocks it over to you using one of his arms so the skull rolls to your bars, Irene.

Emily

So he mini-golfs it?

Kyle

Yeah, he mini-golfs his head over to you.

Emily

I guess I pick up his head and hold it next to Pokeyo?

Kyle (as Fede)

Now, you didn’t hear this from me, but Eddie, he kept saying that he had some benefactor that was in charge of our whole operation. Now, this benefactor only talked to Eddie.

[Chatting sounds fade into mysterious threatening music.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

Kyle (as Fede)

Yeah. But, this is where it gets interesting. After you all went and left, right, a couple minutes later some of the guys tell me… I wasn’t there, but they told me after the fact that the benefactor… she contacted them directly.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[As a gasp.] Oh-ee-kope.

Kyle (as Fede)

Yeah. I don't know where she told them to go, but I did hear something about taking care of a body, if you know what I mean.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Contemplative.] Oh-ee-kope.

Kyle (as Fede)

That’s all I know. I couldn’t make it that far myself.

Kyle

You hear one of the guys in the corner go:

Kyle (as Quiclone)

Hey! Hey, they’re coming. They’re coming.

Kyle (as Fede)

Alright. They’re coming. You gotta push me back, push me across.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope!

Emily

Pokeyo seems to want to do the honors.

Hallie

Oh yeah, very much so.

Emily

I’m just gonna hand the head to Pokeyo.

Hallie

Pokeyo is a small little cactus, so the way that Pokeyo does this is by… instead of pushing, it’s gonna be like a twirl thing.

Tom

They’re gonna do the Sonic spin-dash.

Hallie

They’re gonna do the Sonic spin-dash! They’re gonna do the Sonic spin-dash, thank you, Tom.

Kyle

The head rolls back over and conveniently, right as Fede starts to put his head back on…

[Ghostly music begins.]

Irene, you can feel your soul start to get sucked out again from the coin. As the scene around you starts to fade, you and more importantly Pokeyo see as he salutes again and says:

Kyle (as Fede)

Good luck, Commander.

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Oset)

For the last time, what business do you have in my private surveillance room?

Hallie (as Sparky)

We wanted access to your private surveillance room.

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

As you all come back, Irene, you see the rest of the party in this room that is full of high-tech stuff. There’s a big computer wall monitor with a bunch of files on it, you’ve got a card slot that Sparky used last adventure to upgrade her ScubaCorp access to Legendary, and most importantly in front of the computer you see a very grumpy Oset Scuba shooting daggers at anyone unfortunate enough to cross his line of sight.

Hallie

Ha!

Tom (as Hilda)

Show him the badge, Boss.

Hallie

She presents it, with authority.

Hallie (as Sparky)

As you know, I’m an investigative reporter. As you didn’t know, I’m now also a defense attorney as are all of us including the child, so we are here to legally request access to your videos.

Kyle

He looks at you, Irene, at that.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)

Ah, the murderer! You’re in cahoots—!

Emily (as Irene)

[Calmly.] I am not the murderer.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Exasperated.] Oh for god’s sake.

Kyle (as Oset)

You’re in cahoots with the murderer. No! No badge will get you through Oset Scuba with such frivolous evidence.

Emily (as Irene)

Hush!

Tom (as Hilda)

Do you care so little?

Ari (as Quique)

You talk about frivolous evidence, but you don’t have any evidence to call this child a murderer, so who is the one that has the frivolous evidence? It’s you. That’s the answer.

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

Kyle

He looks right past you, Quique, at Hilda.

Kyle (as Oset)

What did you say to me?

[00:10:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

I said, do you care so little about Sammy’s death? You don’t even want to find the truth?!

Kyle (as Oset)

That’s it, get out. ZEPPELIN!

Tom (as Hilda)

No.

Kyle

And he calls to the AI.

Kyle (as Oset)

ZEPPELIN, contact security. Get them out of here immediately.

Tom (as Hilda)

No! We know you were watching the cameras that night. We left you in here with that when we went off to go find everyone. It was signed before we had even fished the fight in… in the heart of your, I don't know, collection, whatever it is.

Kyle (as Oset)

You are making this case—

Tom (as Hilda)

The hostage situation hadn’t even ended.

Kyle (as Oset)

You are making this case awfully worse for yourself by explicitly incriminating yourself at the scene of the crime where my precious collection got removed.

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m not saying anything that happened there, but—

Kyle (as Oset)

You are lucky that this is not the most pressing matter on Oset Scuba’s mind.

Kyle

He turns to you, Quique.

Kyle (as Oset)

I don’t need evidence. I know the truth, and when I don’t I make it. The truth is that Sammy Ester was murdered.

Emily (as Irene)

We’re not saying that he wasn’t murdered, it just wasn’t by me. That’s the whole point.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well…

Ari (as Quique)

We don’t even know that he was murdered, really.

Kyle

He looks at you now, Quique.

Kyle (as Oset)

What did you say?

Ari (as Quique)

Did I stutter?

[Giggling.]

Tom (as Hilda)

That’s just a costume sitting out there, you know.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It still has the tag on it.

Tom (as Hilda)

Real dead don’t have bodies.

Kyle

So you’re presenting the evidence to him now?

Hallie

Oh my god! Yeah, we are! We’re presenting the evidence.

Tom

Yeah, sure. Sure. Present some evidence.

Hallie

Yeah-yeah, let us in.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)

Spirit City?

Tom (as Hilda)

Would the Sammy Ester you know shop at Spirit City?

Kyle (as Oset)

Sammy had a sense of class to him. He only shopped at places like Kohl’s or better. He only shopped at Kohl’s, it was the only place that got his jacket. But!

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He fiercely takes… I’m assuming you’re not carting the body around, so whatever tag you have.

Hallie

No. Yeah.

Tom

No. it’s Phoenix Wright rules. We presented the evidence. It’s still with us.

Kyle

We’re gonna say he has a barcode on the back or something like that. He turns around.

Kyle (as Oset)

ZEPPELIN! Investigate this.

Kyle

[High-tech machine sounds.] The screen appears and you hear a robotic voice say:

Text to Speech (as ZEPPELIN)

Raggedy Boy doll costume, available at the following Spirit City locations.

Ari

Oh god.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

You can see that it is at various Spirit City stores. There’s just a bunch of listings for a doll costume that, down to the swirls on the cheeks, looks identical to Sammy. Oset pauses for a second. The perceptive among you might notice that he’s shaking.

[Sci-fi investigation music begins.]

Kyle (as Oset)

What other evidence do you need?

Hallie (as Sparky)

The camera. There’s one camera in that room, right?

Kyle (as Oset)

[Scoffing.] Only one camera. I would expect better from investigators like you. There are multiple cameras. Which angle would you like to view?

Hallie (as Sparky)

All of them.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Whispering.] Nice one, Boss.

Ari

Quique will also say…

Ari (as Quique)

Nice one, Sparky.

Ari

…but, while Hilda’s was earnest, like good, Quique’s was definitely sarcastic.

Hallie

[Laughs.] This was also Hilda’s clue. I just took it.

Kyle

He pulls up the camera.

Kyle (as Oset)

What time would you like to see?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Between 11 and 11:20 PM.

Tom (as Hilda)

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright. He’s gonna show you that. The sound is a bit garbled.

Kyle (as Oset)

The fiends who attacked my Spacescraper, their work on the ScubaCorp Scubalites unfortunately scrambled the sound, but we do have good video.

Kyle

You see a scene. Hilda, for the most part it aligns with the text that you got from your mom.

Tom

Yes, tell us.

Kyle

So, you first see the Necromon break in. They make an utter mess of the place. Oset’s papers are knocked on the ground and quickly covered by Boidelrat’s greenery. You see Sammy open the door as everyone else bursts in. Sparky goes down and she doesn’t take all of the papers but she definitely takes some documents. Oset luckily does not seem to notice that, he’s too focused.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] Nobody point it out.

Kyle

Then it cuts out, which is funny because you didn’t  notice anything weird about that in your mom’s description, Hilda. You notice that your mom said essentially:

‘We were in there, there were a bunch of folks around. Titi Romanov kept touching stuff and people told her not to. Then, Lucas and I went and we cleaned up some of the additional paperwork and grass that was on the space.’

When the static comes back in, when you see the screen again, you see sure enough the papers are nicely stacked on the desk and all of the grass that Boidelrat had spilled is actually tucked up in the corner. It’s not there anymore. As the screen is playing, you can see now, Oset is in the room talking to Sammy, which is what your mom said.

Ari

Ah.

[00:15:00]

Kyle

Your mom said Oset came in, he yelled at everybody, told them get the fuck out. You can see he’s pretty upset with Sammy, but he looks more hurt than anything else. So, he and Sammy are arguing with each other, and then Oset turns as he hears a sound down the hallway you came from. He says something to Sammy who leaves and then Oset leaves and goes the other way. So Oset goes down the hall where you were, Sammy leaves out the front door.

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

The camera feed cuts out a second time, and Oset makes a pained sound because after a little bit more of static cut-out you see the crime scene exactly as you saw it a couple minutes before.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well that’s convenient.

Tom (as Hilda)

What could alter this footage aside from you?

Kyle (as Oset)

No one. The only way to alter things unequivocally is through the use of the immensely powerful ZEPPELIN AI, and in order to use that one must have a Legendary clearance keycard and one must know the code phrase to activate the device.

Ari (as Quique)

How many keycards are there? Are you the only one that has it?

Kyle (as Oset)

I am the only one, and not a single other person has the keycard or has heard me utter the phrase that I need to utter to start the ZEPPELIN AI.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

So what you’re saying is you can be the only murderer.

Kyle (as Oset)

[Lowers his tone.] You’re on thin fucking ice.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Kyle, I know that he said a specific phrase. Can I roll to remember it? I don’t remember it.

Kyle

Yeah, roll to remember.

Hallie

Because I want to just ask the AI, hey, who accessed you. Okay, what would this be, Books?

Kyle

Yeah. It’s Understand.

Hallie

[Rolls.] What does a 7 get me?

Kyle

Uh…

Tom

I will Take One for the Team and up your roll to a 10 in exchange for Kyle using a hard move against me.

Kyle

We’re gonna do a flashback to when the room opened up, and the first words you remember him saying were “ZEPPELIN, rise.”

Hallie

Rise! That was it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

ZEPPELIN, rise.

[ZEPPELIN boots up.]

Text to Speech (as ZEPPELIN)

Hello, Oset.

Kyle (as Oset)

Wait, wait, no! Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

[Upbeat music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

ZEPPELIN, did anybody access you the night of {insert date here} between 11 and 11:20 PM? Or actually, any time after that. Has anyone accessed you for any video editing of any kind?

Tom

What if the computer views everyone who accesses as Oset Scuba because Oset assumes only he knows?

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

That’s what I was thinking.

Emily

Well, it did say…

Hallie

Don’t give Kyle ideas!

Tom

Because it greeted you as “hello, Oset Scuba.”

Kyle

It’s true. You know what? Yeah.

Text to Speech (as ZEPPELIN)

I can only be accessed by Oset Scuba as he is the smartest, bravest, most fashionable boy in the world.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

How many times did somebody access you in the time of night between hours {blank} and {blank}?

Text to Speech (as ZEPPELIN)

[Processing sounds.] I was accessed three times over the course of the requested timeframe. The first session lasted 15 minutes. The second session lasted two minutes. Finally, the current session has been running for 4,117 minutes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What?!

Kyle

You can see that Oset Scuba just has deep bags under his eyes.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Emily

Aww.

Ari

Quique’s just gonna turn to Scuba and cross his arms.

Ari (as Quique)

Do you still think that nobody can access this computer here but you?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)

…

Ari (as Quique)

I’ll take that silence as—

Kyle

Here’s the hard move.

Ari

Oh no.

Tom

Oh…

Kyle

He turns to you, Hilda.

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Oset)

You were here, were you not?

Tom (as Hilda)

I was, yeah.

Emily (as Irene)

Hilda didn’t do anything wrong any more than I did anything wrong.

Kyle (as Oset)

Silence, potential murderer!

Emily

Irene stomps her little foot and crosses her arms.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m not a murderer!

Ari (as Quique)

How do you still think that she’s a murderer?

Kyle (as Oset)

What are your alibis? In Oset Scuba’s court of law, proof of evidence lands on the defendant, so prove to me that you are innocent.

Ari (as Quique)

What are your alibis, Scuba?

Tom (as Hilda)

We escaped from the tower by fighting the hostage-takers and also Maybelline who betrayed you, as you already know. We are each other’s alibis.

Kyle (as Oset)

An alibi for one crime and yet ZEPPELIN…

Kyle

And as he says that, video footage of you stealing his shit and leaving the room appears.

Kyle (as Oset)

…a confession for another. I will give you another bargain as you have so shamefully rejected my previous one. Find the murderer…

Kyle

And then he leans in closer to you, Hilda.

Kyle (as Oset)

…or there is no layer of the Here, the Hereafter, or the Afterworlds that you will be able to squirrel yourself into to hide from me.

[00:20:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

Okay. Sure.

Kyle (as Oset)

Well I suppose, since anyone has access to this now, I’ll give you the run of the place!

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He gets up and wipes his face a little bit and then stomps off.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That went well.

Tom

Did my text from Alina mention if she saw Sammy go anywhere in particular after he left the room?

Kyle

He just went into a hallway somewhere. He went to the outer hallway. She didn’t follow him.

Tom

Okay. So, lost track of. Last person to see him, Alina. Got it.

Kyle

Yeah. There was one piece of evidence that I forgot about, but I don't know if I want to mention it or not.

Hallie

Rude.

Emily

I would like you to mention it.

Kyle

I’ll say that, as you leave, Oset slammed the keyboard again and the image goes back to Sammy’s body.

[Dramatic sci-fi investigation music begins.]

Dramatically, as he walked… we can see him walk away with Sammy’s body on the screen and just looming over him.

Hallie

God!

Kyle

But you notice that there’s a painting of him with a little trophy in front of it. You could swear that painting and trophy are a couple of inches to the right than where they were earlier.

Hallie

Like in previous…?

Kyle

Like in the previous videos, yeah. First clip of everyone in the room, they’re in the normal position. The clip of Sammy and Oset arguing and then leaving, normal position. But, from the clip of Sammy’s body onwards, the painting and trophy are just ever-so-slightly askew. As you’re looking at that, you hear a voice say:

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah. That was really, really impressive, the kind of stuff I’d expect from future champions.

Kyle

And Lucas Bang is just sheepishly in the doorway waving his hands.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, did the Rons get off and stay off of you?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah. I answered their questions.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What were they even asking you?

Kyle (as Lucas)

I mean, pretty much “did you do it.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

But like over and over, huh? Because that’s what…

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah, over and over again. Then they just started throwing out names and asking who did do it. Did this person do it? Eventually I got to talk about what happened, but…

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Deep sigh.] You remained very brave.

Hallie

Sparky lies a little bit to make him feel better.

Kyle

He smiles.

Hallie

Okay, good. I do want to prod Lucas.

Hallie (as Sparky)

So, what did happen?

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

Well, it’s hard to remember. You all went off and we just kinda hung out a little bit, we just waited. Then Oset came in and he yelled at all of us, and then we went out, and the next thing we knew the Undertakers were there.

Emily (as Irene)

Wow. That’s not very helpful.

Kyle (as Lucas)

That’s what I told the Undertakers.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What time would you say the Undertakers showed up? Your best estimate.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Uh, late?

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, Lucas, I need specifics. I know it’s an estimate, but give me a time estimate.

Kyle

He’s panting.

Kyle (as Lucas)

[Stressed.] I’ve never been good with time. Um…

Emily (as Irene)

Well, I’ve never been good with getting accused of murder, but I’m doing my best.

Kyle (as Lucas)

They accused you?

Emily (as Irene)

Yes!

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s why her phantom is here.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh my god, you’re a ghost!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well, it’s phantom. Surely you heard that whole—It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Lucas…

Hallie

She’s gonna take both of his arms.

Hallie (as Sparky)

…I need you to remember specifics. I know that you can do it. You’ve done it a million times before. Remember how I used to ask you what happened and you’d say ‘oh, it was this,’ and then we’d solve mysteries? I need you to do that again. I need you to pull from your memory.

Kyle (as Lucas)

[Shakily.] Hai-clue. Hai-clue!

Hallie (as Sparky)

You clue?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Hai-clue.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hai-clue… Yes. Yes! Exactly, like hai-clues! Remember? That’s what I need, but this time it’s for time, it’s for time, about what time.

Kyle

He shakes his head and he extends a piece of paper.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

I looked around after you left and I found a hai-clue.

Hallie

I snatch it from his hands.

Kyle

You snatch this piece of paper that has some writing on it and a little bit of glitter, and it says:

[Threatening mysterious music begins.]

“Thought the case was done?

That’s simply adorable.

We have just begun.”

Tom

[Breathily.] What the fuck?

Kyle

Twenty-three years ago, PICLE had a case. It was the final case of PICLE. They were contacted via a haiku to solve an art monster haunting Miss Mictoria’s manor. Miss Mictoria was a prolific art creator, a very extravagant woman who clearly was a fan of you.

Now, when you all rive, you split up pretty quickly as all good investigation teams do. You notice that throughout the house there were a series of haikus left by the culprit. One thing leads to another, you get chased by the ghost of melting monster van Gogh, and you eventually figure out that the culprit was actually Miss Mictoria herself. After all, the letter calling you was a haiku just like all of the clues.

[00:25:00]

[Music ends.]

And she was really excited. She said ‘this was my big test, if you failed I got to keep you in my art collection,’ because the monster was putting people in paintings, ‘but if you succeeded, here’s a bunch of money for PICLE.’ What happened after that, Sparky?

Hallie

Took the money. That’s… yeah. Sparky was like, wow, this will really help us get an office and business cards and other things you need to start a company as an adult who has graduated from high school slash maybe college later, but we could like, you know, really get off the ground with PICLE with this money that we have won from this kind lady who was very bored, apparently.

Kyle

[Laughs.] What else happened, Sparky?

[Tragic music begins.]

Hallie

Everyone was like ‘actually, we don’t want to,’ because they’re bad, and they are abandoners, and they wanted different things, and that’s not allowed.

Kyle

Alina started a business.

Hallie

Yeah, a different business! Here I was, business starting ideas, and she went and did a different thing.

Kyle

Elliot went to law school.

Hallie

He’s a sellout.

Kyle

Chazz finally bought the dying radio station he was such a big fan of.

Hallie

Yeah, instead of an office.

Kyle

And Sparky, 23 years later, you find yourself holding a hai-clue.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Emotional.] Where was this, Lucas?

Kyle (as Lucas)

It was, um… it was somewhere by the body. A drawer! That was it. It was in a drawer.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Can you show me which drawer?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah. Yeah, I can go show you the drawer.

Kyle

And he motions to go out and show you the drawer.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. And why… why were you opening drawers?

Kyle (as Lucas)

It was sticking out of the drawer.

Hallie

When we were investigating, did we notice anything like that? Can I roll a memory check again?

Kyle

Uh… yeah, roll.

Hallie

[Rolls.] That’s a 10 with my +2 in Books.

Tom

Phew. Woo.

Hallie

[Smiling.] I’m rolling good tonight.

Ari

Yeah!

Kyle

You don’t remember anything sticking out of a drawer.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hmm… that’s interesting. So, your story first was that it was by the body and then it was in a drawer, which I would consider not quite by the body, and then I asked why you were looking in drawers and you said it was sticking out.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)

So which of those stories is true, Lucas? Or is it none of them?

Kyle

He looks hurt.

Ari

Aww.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Lucas, I’m sorry, but you’re not a very good liar. This is gonna hurt a lot of people, frankly, if you don’t get the story straight. Listen, even if this is all true, I need you to try a little bit harder to remember things clearly. I feel like you are holding something back from me.

Kyle (as Lucas)

[Abruptly.] It came to me!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like through the mail…?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah, like through the mail.

[Mysterious threatening music begins.]

It was sent to me. I just, I thought… I thought it would be too suspicious. You know, I found this in my mailbox?

Hallie (as Sparky)

When?

Kyle (as Lucas)

[Growing upset.] I don’t remember.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Exhales.] Was it today or was it right after the murder? Or was it before the murder?

Kyle (as Lucas)

There was a murder? Oh, of course there was a murder. Um…

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

Um… what day is it?

Tom (as Hilda)

It’s Tuesday.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Monday, I think.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, so yesterday.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yesterday.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And do you have the envelope it came in?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Not on me, but I can go get it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. I think that you should do that.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Okay.

Kyle

And he rushes off.

Hallie

[Smiling.] There he goes.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Thud, thud, thud.

Hallie

Sparky sighs. Then, actually, first she’s gonna turn to Hilda.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hilda, ask your mother if she has gotten a hai-clue lately. She’ll know what it means.

Tom

Hilda will do that text, but ask back.

Tom (as Hilda)

What does this mean, Boss?

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s about an old case of mine back in high school when me and your mom, Lucas sometimes, were on that invest—I don’t remember much about it, you know… PICLE. It was just, ugh… you know, it was our last case. That woman was really nice. I think she was very bored. She was the culprit, you know. This was the way she gave us clues. They were hai-clues, because they’re haikus but they’re clues, but I don't know what she could possibly have to do with this case. And why did only Lucas get a message? I don’t have one of these. I don’t want to ask Elliot.

[Laughter.]

I could ask Chazz, but if only…

[Sighs.] Why would only Lucas get one if this was the case?

Emily (as Irene)

You should ask Elliot, and when you ask him you should kick him.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Lucas Bang?

Emily (as Irene)

No, Elliot.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh. Oh! Elliot. Yeah, I can overpower Elliot in a fight, no problem.

Emily (as Irene)

I mean, you could kick Lucas Bang too, that would be also fine.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That wouldn’t work on Lucas, but yeah, I can take Elliot in a fight.

[Threatening formal piano music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda)

What if Elliot sent it? He’s one of the people who would have known about it. And you said, in that case, the person who invited you was the real culprit. Maybe he’s trying to do some kind of callback because he invited us to the case. Maybe he’s doing this all on purpose as some kind of sick, I don't know… joke, display.

Emily (as Irene)

Elliot would kill an innocent man for sport.

[00:30:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

Well, we don’t think Sammy’s actually dead at this point.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s true.

Tom (as Hilda)

Only that he can’t be found anywhere, and that warrant was issued minutes after the body was discovered, almost as if this was all waiting and planned. Who could do something like that except for Elliot? They knew, and Irene had been framed, before we had even landed back on planet Earth.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s true. Irene, who hates you?

Emily (as Irene)

Elliot.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Yes, but you know, what does he gain from this?

Tom (as Hilda)

If only we could find where Sammy is, that would fix everything.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Well, I mean, I don’t have anything of Sammy, but I do have the Natural Hunter move that I have used before.

Kyle

I mean, you have something Sammy might have used in another room.

Ari

The tag?

Kyle

The fucking body.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

But is that like his actual body though? I thought it was a fake thing. Right?

Hallie

He could have handled it, though. We don’t know.

Tom

Maybe this is all full of shit.  What if Sammy just is not actually one of the dead or something ridiculous like that and he’s just been a guy in a suit?

Ari

He just was inside that?

Hallie

Pretending? Yeah.

Ari

I guess I could give a shot of using Natural Hunter and using the doll corpse or whatever to see if I can figure out where he might be.

Kyle

Yeah. How about this? Roll me two dice and then roll me a third and tell me what both of those are. I won’t tell you whether or not you got the benefit from the advantage.

Ari

Ooh. [Rolls.]

Tom

Oh god.

Kyle

While Ari does this, add Elliot Hawthorne to your court record.

Ari

Woot-woot!

Emily

Can I, like… Can I help?

Kyle

Irene, how do you wanna help?

Emily

The problem is I can’t think of really a good way to help, but like…

Tom

Look. She’s gotta be able to use her phantom powers.

Hallie

Yo!

Emily

Yeah, can I like… I don’t—

Hallie

Irene Phantom.

Ari

[Hums the Danny Phantom theme.]

Emily

I wanna go ghost!

Ari

Let her go ghost!

Kyle

We’ll say, for some reason, you feel—

Emily

I can use my Overextends if you want.

Kyle

How do you wanna use your Overextends? This is fascinating to me.

Emily

I see Quique doing something and I want to force some use out of my ghostly powers.

Kyle

What does Overextends do?

Emily

Overextends. Basically, you can contribute 1 AP to an action without spending that AP, so I wanted to basically give Ari that AP.

Kyle

That AP for advantage.

Emily

And the GM is able to hold one hard move in response.

Kyle

Yeah. Roll me another one, Ari. Roll with double advantage.

Ari

I roll another one die?

Kyle

Yeah, roll me another d6.

Ari

Okay.

Emily

Roll good!

Ari

[Rolls.] Uh… no, it was like the exact same. No wait.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

Yeah, it was the exact same roll, so it’s another 7.

Tom

[Groans.]

Kyle

Alright. I’ll give you a choice. Do you want to know approximately where your target is or do you want to receive an answer about Sammy’s relationship to that suit?

Tom

Oh…

Ari

Oh man…

Hallie

This is a hard one.

Ari

Do we want to discuss this as a group? What do we think?

Tom

I think the approximate location is more valuable information.

Ari

Yeah, I think so too.

Tom

Because I think it will help answer—

Ari

If he’s dead or not?

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

Yeah. It will tell us definitively if Sammy is “dead” dead or not.

Ari

Yeah. I think I want that, then.

Kyle

Quique, you are investigating this, trying to figure out and piece things together.

[Upbeat investigation music begins.]

It’s difficult because you don’t know if this is actually a copy or something related to Sammy or what. Suddenly, you hear Irene yell.

Emily (as Irene)

He’s in the building!

Kyle

And Irene, without thinking about it, you vanish.

Tom

Ah!

Ari

What? Oh no!

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Irene has disappeared! Who is there to take her place except… the announcement break? Just like with last episode, the main thing I want to talk to you about today is our End of Arc Survey.

[00:35:00]

This is a survey just to kind of get an idea of what our audience is like, what brought them to the show, what they’d like, and also I had specific questions about some specific changes I’d like to make or am considering. Like, do we like the structure of how many parts an adventure is, or would you like a Quest Friends wiki? Stuff like that.

You can also, at the end of that survey, submit a question to our End of Arc Q&A Session which we will have on Tuesday, February 28 at 8 PM Central Time. That’s over at twitch.tv/QuestFriends.

So again, we’ve got a survey. The survey is gonna be open until that Q&A happens. You can answer as many or as few questions as you’d like. The survey due date and the stream itself is gonna be on Tuesday, February 28 at 8 PM Central Time. Unless it changes, in which case I’d let you know in the announcement break and/or social media.

Right down there by a link to the survey and to our Twitch page, you’re gonna find a link to The Story Told.

[Game show music begins.]

The Story Told is an exciting and dynamic podcast dedicated to the promotion and review of tabletop roleplaying games. You can join Logan and his cohost Griffin on a weekly basis as they discuss a whole myriad of topics, review a wide variety of games, and even have the occasional interview.

The interview is actually where they overlap with us, because in February they’re gonna be releasing an interview I had with Logan about adapting games with existing IPs, my thought process behind Under the Neighborhood, stuff like that. It was a really good time. It was a nice conversation where we treaded some ground that I’ve discussed before but also explored it from new angles.

But, if actual plays are more your speed, you can check The Story Told out on Twitch where they’re joined by an amazing cast of friends to sit down and play The Body Electric which is a Promethean: The Created, Second Edition game. If anything I mentioned about The Story Told is interesting to you, you can find them on Twitter, Instagram and pretty much any other social media platform, or you can check them out by searching The Story Told on whatever podcatcher you’re using to listen to this episode.

[Music ends.]

So, down there in the description we’re gonna have a link to the survey, we’re gonna have a link to our Twitch, we’re gonna have a link to The Story Told, but we’re gonna even have two more links. These are just small explanations of references that we make this episode.

The first is gonna be, I allude to a PICLE Pals full story, and that’s because I do monthly short stories for certain tiers of our Patreon backers, and a couple of months ago I wrote a full script of the PICLE Pals radio play that was in the beginning of ‘Bang! Bang!’ It’s not required to understand any of this episode, but if it’s something that interests you, you can check out our Patreon.

I’ve also linked Welcome to Tsarvia. It’s a crossover episode we did with the history podcast Tsar Power. Hallie actually ran that. It involves the second murder of Julius Caesar in the country of Tsarvia. So, that is just a whole bunch of links. Pick one, pick your favorite, select it, send it to a friend, engage with it however you’d like… or just keep listening.

Because this episode was a week out, we’re gonna continue on this new biweekly schedule until I can quickly do two episodes back-to-back. So, our next episode, The State v. Irene Hawthorne, Part 3 out of 4 will be releasing on Monday, February 13. I’ll see you then.

[Dramatic investigation music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

What do you do next? You know that Sammy Ester is supposedly somewhere in the building and Irene, accessing her ghostly powers, has accidentally turned invisible and doesn’t know how to un-turn herself from invisible, and that’s the hard move you get from Overextends.

Ari

Oh no!

Emily

Oh no…

Tom

Oh my god.

Hallie

Christ. So, okay… I wanna yell:

Hallie (as Sparky)

ZEPPELIN, rise! Turn on all the cameras.

[ZEPPELIN boots up.]

Text to Speech (as ZEPPELIN)

Hello, Oset.

[Silly chase music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, it’s me, Oset Scuba. Please turn on all the cameras everywhere so that we can see if someone’s in the building.

Kyle

The wall becomes a kaleidoscope of cameras.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, this is so much.

Kyle

Everything around you. Every surface. It’s like a square foot for each camera, because there’s so many. It would probably be less, it would be like a quarter of a square foot? Like half a foot and half a foot. It’s small, essentially, and it’s all over.

[00:40:00]

Hallie

Alright.

Kyle

You’re gonna have to be moving over chairs and stuff.

Hallie

I’m moving over chairs and stuff.

Kyle

You’re trying to find—to see where Sammy Ester is?

Hallie

Yeah, I’m trying to see if Sammy is appearing on-screen. I also want to be like:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Irene, you there?

Ari (as Quique)

Irene?! Kid?

Tom (as Hilda)

Irene?!

Emily

I’m still in the room, right? I’m just invisible.

Kyle

Yeah. You can be touched, you can be heard, but you cannot be seen. That is the rule for phantoms, whereas ghosts, as we learned in Welcome to Tsarvia, can be seen but are incorporeal because they get stabbed less than regular sword would stab them.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Hilda feels a flailing hand knock onto her forehead.

Tom (as Hilda)

Eh? Uh… hello?

Emily (as Irene)

Hello. I cannot see myself, but this is fine.

Tom (as Hilda)

So you have ghost phantom powers now?

Emily (as Irene)

[Weakly.] Yay.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well, I guess…

Tom

Hilda’s gonna reach up to the pressure on her forehead so that she can hold Irene’s hand with her hand.

Tom (as Hilda)

…I just won’t let go, so we can’t lose you.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

Cute.

Emily (as Irene)

Ooh! But now I can spy.

Emily

Irene says, and pulls her hand away, and no one knows where she is again.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Oh god.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Whispering.] Okay. This is fine.

Kyle

Alright. You’re looking around. Sparky, you were the one looking at the cameras?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Give me an Investigate.

Hallie

Investigate~ Being skilled in that gives me a +1, right?

Kyle

No, skills give you advantage.

Hallie

Oh, okay.

[Rolls.] Bada-pa-pow! Malaita!

Ari

Oh!

Tom

Oh! Yeah boy!

Hallie

[Claps her hands together.] On my game!

Kyle

What do you want to know?

Hallie

Where the hell is Sammy? That’s what I want to know.

Kyle

Ugh… Oh fuck.

Hallie

[Musically.] Ruining plans. Ruining plans! Didn’t expect ME to roll a Malaita. Nobody expects that.

Tom

Didn’t expect Hallie to roll well all fucking night.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] This is coming from nowhere.

Emily

Do we need to, like, take a moment to reset, Kyle?

Tom

Looks like we “quacked” the case.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

[Smiling.] We “quacked” the case.

Kyle

I… ugh. Where is Sammy? I just need a second to think about this.

Hallie

Mm-hmm!

Tom

That’s fine.

Kyle

Because the answer is…

Ari

‘The answer may surprise you.’

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Ari

Sammy is inside Irene all along. We are all Sammy.

Hallie

[Laughs.] It’s the friends you made along the way.

Ari

It’s the friends you made.

Kyle

Okay. Here’s an answer.

[Ambient sci-fi investigation music begins.]

You check every feed. You see a bunch of people confused in the stadium still. Chazz is trying to announce things, but also you just see Rasputin nursing a fake pregnant belly.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Yeah! Yeah!

Hallie

“It’s my baby.”

Kyle

You see Oset is in a different room. He’s just crying.

[Laughter and emotional sounds.]

Similarly, Lucas Bang is in a different hallway and he’s just bent over, heaving, clearly stressed out of his mind.

Hallie

Oh Lucas…

Kyle

You do not see anyone or anything in all the cameras, and you are 100% sure, that looks like Sammy Ester. Sammy is here, but you cannot see him.

Ari

Oh, so he’s invisible.

Tom

He’s going ghost.

Emily

Can I sense him with my ghost powers?

Hallie

Danny Phantom does have ghost graph.

Kyle

We’ll say, Irene, you can see the planes of invisibility. Sure, why not? That’s what I’ll give you for your ghost powers. You can see a couple of phantoms just chilling out. You don’t see anything invisible that looks like Sammy either. Nothing, no one in this building resembles doll man Sammy Ester.

Tom

So it really is someone in a Party City suit all along. He has never actually been a ghost.

Hallie

Besides the names you just listed, do I see anyone else I recognize?

Kyle

[Delighted.] I did think of something really mean.

Ari

Oh?!

Hallie

Why would you do that?

Kyle

Take a GM Intrusion.

Hallie

[Laughing.] What?!

Tom

I have a feeling I know what you’re about to say.

Emily

So excited for Maybelline to get out on bail.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s gonna fucking suck.

Kyle

You see Maybelline sneaking into the building…

Hallie

Yeah, there she is.

Kyle

…but she’s still in the prisoner garb.

Emily

[Smiling.] She’s not out on bail.

Kyle

And she’s got Pepito on her shoulder.

Hallie

PEPITO?! Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?! Sparky pats all over her body looking for that god-forsaken card.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What?!

Kyle

You pull out the card, in the sleeve, and Pepito is not in it.

Hallie

[Shrieks in frustration.] She’s really upset! She never called on that mouse once, it never answered her call, but it was her fucking mouse!

Emily

[Smiling.] Apparently it wasn’t.

Ari

Yep, nope.

Kyle

Out of character, she called Pepito when you were in the room with her.

Tom

When we were in the prison?!

[00:45:00]

Hallie

Why would Pepito answer her call?

Tom

She has the soul of a true duelist.

Hallie

[Bangs on her desk.]

Tom

Or, it’s the signature powers from the card sleeve.

Hallie

I was gonna say, I had Lucas Bang sign all those cards, but she’s not Lucas Bang.

Kyle

No.

Hallie

Is she Lucas Bang?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

No. You know, I’ll give you one clue that was gonna be the end-of-episode stinger, but I think I wanna do this clue and then I’ll give you one more room. As Sparky sees Maybelline, Hilda, you get a text back from your mother answering the question of whether she received a hai-clue in the mail.

Kyle (as Alina)

Oh. Well, I didn’t get anything like THAT, but…

[Upbeat quirky accordion music begins.]

You have to promise not to tell anyone, because your mother may have done a thing that the Overseers might have considered less than ethical.

Tom

[Exhales.]

Kyle (as Alina)

I may have, while cleaning up the documents, taken a couple of my own.

Hallie

Who hasn’t, really?

Kyle (as Alina)

Just for my own curiosity. And man, these contracts are terrible.

Kyle

You can see there’s a picture she sends you of a contract. She had a paper of a contract from a former champion. This contract specifies that basically if you win the tournament ScubaCorp basically gets to have you work for them whenever they want. So like, you’re contractually obligated to a one-year tour circuit after you win. But then, after that, they can just be like, at any point, three years down the line, “we need you for six months.” Two years after that, “you need to do tours for a year.” It’s a really bad contract with horrible pay. After she sends you that, she says:

Kyle (as Alina)

Oops. I forgot to circle the important piece.

Kyle

You see at the bottom the signature of this contracted champion. They’re no one important, just some random winner from a few years ago. The signature that matters is actually the signature from the ScubaCorp rep, because that signature is for Maybelline Mictoria.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Motherfucker! For fuck’s sake. I almost straight-up asked, “hey, is Miss Mictoria on the camera there?” Fucking…! Sparky doesn’t know this information yet, but she does know Maybelline is here with Pepito.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That fucker! Alright, Maybelline’s here and she probably knows what’s going on, so I say we go to the place where she is on the camera. Do you see? She’s in the room, and I… let’s go question her. She’s got the mouse. She’s got the mouse. Quique, you remember Pepito. How the fuck did she get Pepito?

Ari (as Quique)

How dare you bring the mouse to the conversation, Sparky. But yes, I remember the mouse. Of course I remember the mouse.

Tom

The mouse that started everything.

Ari (as Quique)

We probably wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for the mouse, somehow. Everything is probably connected. Fine! We can go question the person with the mouse.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Somewhere, Tucán’s stomach grumbles.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

[Emotional yelp.]

Kyle

He got all of them but one.

Hallie

No! Pepito!

Kyle

Alright. So you’re gonna go see Maybelline?

[Fun plotting music begins.]

Tom

We’re gonna hunt down Maybelline.

Hallie

We’re gonna hunt down Maybelline.

Tom

Hilda is going to just fist-into-palm.

Kyle

Any particular room you want to meet Maybelline in?

Hallie

Does she look like she’s going somewhere?

Tom

I would like to surround her so that she cannot escape.

Hallie

What if all of us go down one hallway, if she’s by a hallway that spokes into a wheel with four sides… like a square, that’s a wheel, and we’re all at the end of one hallway, and we’re like “not today, sister.”

Kyle

I love it. Do you convince Quique and Irene to go along with this?

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know what would be really cool? If we all fanned out here. Because there is like a 99% chance she’s gonna come this way. So, I think we should position Quique over there, and Hilda over here, and Irene… you’re a phantom right now so it’s not quite the same effect.

Tom (as Hilda)

But that means Irene can sneak up on her more.

Hallie (as Sparky)

True.

Emily (as Irene)

What I would like to propose is to guide her towards me. I will trip her and she will fall and it will be funny.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Claps her hands together.] Ha-ha! Yes. That’s very funny. Let’s do it. Quique, you in?

Ari (as Quique)

I… guess?

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes!

Tom

Also, for mechanical purposes, I declare Maybelline guilty.

Kyle

Tell me what Declare Guilty does.

Tom

I get +1 ongoing against her until the end of this scene/confrontation.

Kyle

Okay. We’ll give this to Emily, because I think I’m gonna just have all of your help count as a +1 towards Emily, so Emily gets +2 for, um… What move would this be? Let me look, for tripping someone.

[Music ends.]

Emily

I feel like it would have to be Take a Swing, right?

Tom

Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, probably. You’re trying to hurt her.

Hallie

Yeah… yeah. We want her to get that little number mark on anime people’s faces.

[00:50:00]

[Intense chase music begins.]

Kyle

Maybelline is rushing down the hallway.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

I can do it… I can do it. I can get all of the things, and I can get out, and then I can find my own way to get in charge of ScubaCorp. Thank you so much, little friend.

Kyle

And the Necromouse squeaks.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

You know what? I think I’m gonna call you Little Cutie.

Hallie

No!

Kyle (as Maybelline)

That’s your name now, Little Cutie.

Hallie

No it’s not!

Kyle

She turns down the hallway, and she sees you, Sparky.

[Music changes to much more intense chase music.]

She backs up and goes down another hallway and sees Hilda also looking kind of menacing. She backs up, she turns around, she sees Quique who’s just standing there.

Ari

Yeah, he doesn’t look particularly… I mean, he might look menacing, but that’s because he’s just upset at Sparky.

Tom

Casually approach convict.

[Laughter.]

Ari

He’s just upset at Sparky dragging him into this thing.

Hallie

That’s fair.

Kyle

She slowly backs up and runs back down the original hallway. Irene, I need you to roll me Take a Swing with +2.

Emily

With +2…?

Kyle

In addition to your Fierce.

Emily

In addition to my Fierce. Okay.

[Music ends.]

[Rolls.] So… yes, I did roll a 5, but it is +5.

Tom

Ooh!

Ari

Plus 5?!

Emily

So I rolled a 10!

Ari

Damn.

Kyle

Alright. You hit Maybelline and you get one benefit. Some examples are you can take advantage forward or +1 ongoing against her for the remainder of the adventure, you can temporarily immobilize her, you can move her to a nearby position, or you can do something else of your choice.

Emily

Can I throw her off her game? Like, she’s gonna be more likely to admit stuff to us.

Kyle

Yeah. Everyone gets +1 ongoing against her for the remainder of this.

Emily

She’s just kind of embarrassed.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

Maybelline trips and falls over, just flat on her face.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Her hair, which is normally so cloudy, just flumps to the side next to her head.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Pepito?

Kyle

Pepito turns over to you.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Pepito, why are you with the bad lady?

Kyle

He goes to check and make sure Maybelline’s okay.

Ari (as Quique)

[Chuckles.]

Ari

That’s in and out of character.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Oh no!

Hallie

I was just about to say, Sparky’s taking this harder than she thought she would have for a mouse that she never used because it didn’t like her and didn’t come out of the card.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Hurt.] Okay. That’s how it is. That’s fine. Yeah, okay.

[Aggressive.] Maybelline!

Kyle (as Maybelline)

[Pathetic and dramatic.] Go away. Leave me to die. I’d be more beautiful dead than I am whatever this is.

Hallie (as Sparky)

While that’s probably true, you have some answers before you’re dead.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Don’t you mean—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Questions to answer before you’re dead.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

I’d do a backhanded comment against that, but I’m too… No Maybelline, you’re still on you’re a-game.

[Forcing composure.] Wow. You are really a master of words to have to revise your own sentence right after saying it.

Emily (as Irene)

Wow. You’re really sad.

Emily

[Laughing.] Irene says…

Hallie

From nowhere.

Emily

…towering over Maybelline.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

AH! A ghost!

Hallie (as Sparky)

A phantom.

Tom (as Hilda)

She’s a phantom, and also, you’re in big trouble. We need to know what you know, right now.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

You need to know what I know about what?

Tom (as Hilda)

Who is Sammy Ester?

Kyle (as Maybelline)

[Angry, through a smile.] Of course you care about Sammy. That’s what everybody cares about. Everybody cares about… Sammy. Here I am, in this…

Kyle

And she points to the outfit.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

…hideous thing, with your Necromon…

Kyle

And she points to you.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

…and everyone still wants to talk about Sammy! Yeah, that’s… of course. Of course. Everyone wants to talk about Sammy.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Sammy’s high on the list of priorities right now.

Tom (as Hilda)

Unfortunately for you, it’s Irene we care about.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Mm-hmm.

Tom (as Hilda)

And, to help Irene, we need to figure out why someone has been walking around in a Raggedy Boy suit.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

In a Raggedy—

[Threatening mystery music begins.]

Kyle

A smirk goes across her face.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

What do you mean, suit?

Tom (as Hilda)

The suit from Spirit City, the one that’s sitting in Mr. Scuba’s office.

Kyle

The smile gets bigger. She gets up and brushes herself off.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Alright, Little Cutie, I think we need to show them what we know.

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

So, you follow Maybelline and you end up in her office. The office has been largely ransacked… maybe, or maybe it just always looked like this.

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

If I said Oset Scuba’s office was “maximalist,” Maybelline’s is even more so.

[Overly-peppy bubblegum music begins.]

Hallie

[Gagging sounds.]

Kyle

Pink little hearts. Pink little roses. Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink… with delicate splashes of white. All sorts of stuff all over the place, including a big pink computer. It’s not a flat screen, it’s one of those old ones that’s like an old CRT monitor. She starts fiddling through her drawers for things.

[00:55:00]

[Music ends.]

Emily

I would like to blow on the back of her neck to make it feel like there’s a little bug on there.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

[Yelps and squirms uncomfortably.] it’s not… It’s not one of the spider Necromon, is it?

Tom

Hilda will hold up a hand for an invisible high-five.

Emily

Irene shakes her head, like “now is not the time, rival,” but obviously she’s still invisible.

Tom

So Hilda is just left hanging.

Emily

So Hilda just gets no response.

Tom

Aww.

Hallie

Completely hanging.

Emily

[Grinning.] I’m sorry.

Tom

She slowly lowers her hand, eventually.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Okay, so what exactly do I get from this?

Tom (as Hilda)

We don’t turn you in immediately.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Immediately? I’m going to need a number there, you cute little thing.

Tom (as Hilda)

That’s gonna depend on how good what you give us is. We will be very busy trying to help Irene if you give us something that can help us with this case.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Hmm.

Hallie (as Sparky)

How much do you care about your office?

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Why would you ask a question like that?

Tom

[Loses control laughing.]

Hallie

I want to just take out like a Sharpie and I want to start making marks all over her maximalist pink stuff.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I could stop this at any time, if I had information to keep me occupied.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

[Straining.] I don't know what you… I don't know… I don't know… That doesn’t matter to me.

Hallie

I make the marks bigger, and then I start doodling a skull which I think clashes with her whole aesthetic.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

[Huffy.] At least make it pink. At least add some glitter. Please. Please!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Glitter? Now we’re getting somewhere.

Kyle

She reaches into a drawer, pulls out a packet—

Emily

I wanna blow on it! Straight into her face.

Kyle

She looks at you, like…

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Ha-ha, it’s not even open—

Kyle

…and as she says it’s not even open, some glitter gets in her mouth.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

[Splutters.] Okay. Okay fine, fine, fine!

[Huffs.] So, Sammy.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Mm-hmm?

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Each year, ScubaCorp comes into a town, one that has wonderful little oases for good old Oset Scuba to grab what he wants, and every time we find some shmuck to lead us places. Normally this shmuck isn’t anybody, just some random local, random yokel if you will.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Mm-hmm. Good one.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

But not Sammy. This little boy appears and suddenly he’s ALL Oset can think about, all he can talk about, his little “rutabaga boy.” Sammy this, Sammy that, suddenly Maybelline isn’t needed for things. Why isn’t Maybelline good enough to grab rutabagas? Not that I want to grab rutabagas, you know.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, so it seems like you were worried about a really, really silly little thing that didn’t ultimately matter.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

It was everything. It was that, it was the presentations, it was his confidence! Well, I should know better than anyone that no one gets to Oset Scuba without ulterior motives, so I start looking into this “rutabaga boy” and I notice a couple of things. Now, as a girl, you might not imagine this because she has a tacky orange, but I was a real big fan of that Raggedy Anny show. I look and grab my little Andi doll…

Kyle

And she pulls this little doll that looks like Sammy but without the coat and stuff.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

…and it’s a dead ringer. Then I start looking into other things. What has Sammy used Oset’s ear for? Now, a lot of it were dinners and other frivolous entertainment events, but in addition to the dinners and shows and dances there was something else. You want to know what you want to know? All you need is this.

[Ghostly horror story music begins.]

Kyle

She slides a piece of paper to you. You open it up and you see a list of Necromon oases in the area. You see one that was in the national park where you went in the cave and you found Rasputin. That one’s been bought by ScubaCorp. You see one off the highway 30 minutes out, taken by ScubaCorp.

You see Camp Lagoon and you see that was not purchased by ScubaCorp, and it says on the line, “purchase not recommended by Sammy Ester.” Although, the words “Sammy Ester” are a little distorted and ethereal, like they had been slapped onto reality the same way a paper can be crudely stapled on top of another.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Did you cross out Sammy’s name on this?

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Please. I never go near those things. I was…

Kyle

And she looks at Booker.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

I was focused on other things at the time.

Tom

[Small gasp.]

Tom (as Hilda)

So, enlighten us. What does this all actually mean?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Well, you answer me, you smart little thing. Why would someone who appears out of the blue and doesn’t show his face not want someone to go to a Necromon oasis? … No? No takers from anyone?

Hallie (as Sparky)

He can’t be a Necromon…

[01:00:00]

Kyle

She looks at you, Sparky, and smiles, and she presses a button on her computer. It’s a recording, specifically a recording of Hilda’s voice.

Tom (as Hilda)

“One of the kids heard something else underneath, a little whoosh, like something moving around under the mud at the bottom of the lagoon. One of the kids reached down to grab it and instead felt something grab them. They could see it rising from the mud. At first it looked like a tall adult, but it was actually a mess of eels, swarming from every arm, every limb!”

Hallie

[Laughs.] Eels~

Tom (as Hilda)

You do realize I made that up? That’s not a real thing that I based on true events. … Is he really just a mass of Necromon eels?

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Do the details of it really matter?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh… yes.

Tom (as Hilda)

Yes! Enormously. This is awful.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quite a bit.

Tom (as Hilda)

You wasted our time for this?

Hallie

In the meantime, I have drawn four eels on Maybelline’s wall.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Tom (as Hilda)

We don’t have time to go out there ourselves and look, either. But no, he’s in the building. We already know he’s in the building.

Emily

I have a question. There’s like speakers, right? Like, announcements that you could do over a PA system, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Would Maybelline have a PA system or would that be somewhere else?

Kyle

Give me an AP and she can have one.

Emily

I have an AP. I will give you that AP.

Kyle

Okay. She has a PA system.

Emily

Irene, still invisible, walks over to the PA system, slams her hand on it, and says:

Emily (as Irene)

Sammy! Time’s up! Get over here now, eel boy!

Kyle

How long do you wait?

Emily

I don't know.

[Swing chase music begins.]

Hallie

No time, because now he’s just gonna run away because he knows we’re onto him.

Emily

Oh, that’s true. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Sparky’s pinching the bridge of her nose.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ugh, now he’s gonna run.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m not going to jail for you, Sammy Ester!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Now we’ve got a runner. Alright.

Tom (as Hilda)

One of us can still try to run back to the camera room, though. I’ll go down to the front door and see if I can cut anyone off. Someone go for the cameras. We know a little bit more now. Maybe we’ll see something that gives us a clue.

Ari

Is there only one exit?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Maybelline, where are the exits in this building? I mean, I know where the main ones are, but are there any secret ones someone who was fleeing a PA announcement would maybe take?

Kyle

Maybelline’s gonna sigh.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

How much time does this get me?

Emily (as Irene)

Twenty seconds. Start running now.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Up it to 30.

Emily (as Irene)

Thirty seconds, starting now.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Thirty seconds.

Kyle

She pushes down a part of her wall and it slides open revealing the back hallways that Oset Scuba used.

Hallie

Hell yeah. Tearing off.

Kyle

She runs off. As she runs off, she says:

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Oh, by the by, now that I’m burning bridges and everything…

Kyle

She throws a Legendary access card to you.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

…the password is “ZEPPELIN, rise.”

Kyle

And she runs off.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I know! I already figured it out! You’re too late, Maybelline!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I’m shouting.

Kyle

She’s gone.

Hallie

That’s too bad, I’m still shouting.

[Cute music box music begins.]

Kyle

As she leaves, you look down, Sparky, and you see a mouse, a Necromouse, just look at you for a second.

Hallie (as Sparky)

If you wanna go, she’s probably… she’s got a 30 second head-start, Little Cutie.

Kyle

He looks down, saddened, and runs off.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Hallie

He abandoned me first! In fact, I shout that after him.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You abandoned me first! Why do you look sad?!

[Music changes to ghostly chase music.]

Kyle

Alright, so you’re going to block the doors?

Tom

Yeah.

Hallie

[Still angry.] yeah, but I’m…

Kyle

Anyone who’s going to block me a door, roll Take Action.

Emily

I want to watch the cameras.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

God!

Ari

Is that plus something?

Kyle

Plus Fierce for Take Action.

Hallie

Damn it.

Ari

Can I spend an AP to roll with advantage?

Kyle

You certainly can.

[Everyone rolls.]

Tom

I got an 8.

Ari

Seven.

Hallie

Uh… 9.

Emily

Eleven.

Kyle

You all run out. Where does everyone else run?

Tom

Hilda was headed to the front door.

Hallie

The first side door I can find. Time is not on my side.

Ari

Yeah.

Emily

If I had done this, maybe I should have done it where we could, like… Wasn’t there a lockdown button?

Hallie

Ugh! There probably was.

Kyle

Maybe Quique and Sparky realize that at the same time and are like “wait, maybe there’s a lockdown button” and reach to grab it.

Hallie

Is there? Can we try that?

Ari

I spend another AP to reach it or to have it closer.

Hallie

You know, for 1 AP we can summon a thing.

Ari

Can we summon the lockdown button?

Hallie

What if that thing was the lockdown button on a pedestal?

Emily

How many AP would we have to spend to summon Sammy?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You give me… You give me 4.

Ari

Ooh.

Hallie

Four AP?

Kyle

Give me 4 AP between all of you.

Hallie

I have 1 AP.

Ari

I have 1 AP.

Emily

Can I contribute 1 AP and do Overextends?

Kyle

Irene…

Tom

So we have 1 AP from everyone, right?

[01:05:00]

Kyle

Yeah. Well, I need 4 AP total.

Tom

Yeah, I’ll contribute my AP too.

Ari

Yes!

Kyle

Describe how you all do the lockdown button.

Tom

I want to believe, if everyone likes this version, that as we’re all scrambling in different directions, at some point Sparky realizes something and just slams down a PA button. “The lockdown button! The lockdown button!” So, each of us scrambles towards a multipart lockdown, like we all have to be holding down four buttons simultaneously.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

I want to say, if that’s the case, the one that Quique presses, he notices he’s too far away to reach it in time so he grabs one of his hands, the hand from the Die Hard episode, and tosses it so that it reaches the lockdown button in slow-mo.

[Music swells dramatically before ending.]

Kyle

I think there’s no way to do this without answering some big questions about the case, but you all wanted to do it, so I hope that’s alright.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Mm-hmm!

Tom

We aggressively pursued our leads.

Hallie

We did.

Kyle

Very, very aggressively.

Emily

As aggressive as a bandit!

Hallie

Ah-ha-ha!

Ari

We’re two detectives, one investigative reporter, and one chemist in the making.

Hallie

It’s all come full-circle.

[Alarms begin blaring.]

Kyle

The doors slam. The alarm rings. The ScubaCorp Spacescraper is on full lockdown, and you notice something by the front door. You notice a card. Do you go and get it?

[Alarms stop blaring.]

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

You grab a card by the locked down front door and you flip it over and you see four eels.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

What the F?

Hallie

Just four eels! We found him.

Kyle

I could end it there, but there is… there’s something about the Necrocard.

Emily

Who is it signed by?!

Kyle

A signature you’ve seen many times.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

A signature, Sparky, you have seen in fact 249 times exactly.

Hallie

No…! No! NO!

Kyle

The card is signed by Lucas Bang.

Hallie

[Into her hands.] Nooo! Lucas~!

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Hallie

I’m gonna flirt out a confession. It’s fine. It’s fucking fine!

Kyle
Anyways, I think that will be the ending stinger, and next time we’re gonna start with you in court. We can do a little flashback to whatever prep you did, but you have figured out woefully little of the timeline.

Tom

Yeah, we figured out almost nothing.

Kyle

You know the who but not the how or the why.

Hallie

We figured out jack and shit except for Sammy is eels, but that’s fine.

Kyle

Sammy is eels. He’s four eels specifically.

Hallie

He’s four eels.

Kyle

I’m sorry, Mr. Scuba, I never meant to make you cry. I am four eels and not a guy.

Ari

I am four eels and not a guy.

Hallie

We have to navigate telling him that his boyfriend was four eels.

Tom

[Chuckles.] God.

Hallie

Like, we have to break that to him, and he’s not gonna be happy about it, which is going to complicate our case.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Deep sigh.] You remained very brave.

Hallie

Sparky lies a little bit to make him feel better.

Kyle

He smiles. He’s a proud boy. He’s a big boy.

Hallie

Okay, good. That’s what I want. Yeah, he’s a proud boy. He’s a big boy.

Kyle

Oh, no, he’s not a “proud boy.” He’s not a proud boy. He’s not a proud boy!

[Concerned sounds of agreement and laughter.]

Ari

X-Card that!

Tom

Cut this, please!

Emily

Undo!

Kyle

He is just a big boy.

Hallie

He is just a big boy who is proud of himself.

Ari

I love how everybody slowly realized that.

Tom

We don’t mean alt right militia, but maybe it was a Freudian slip! Because, out of character, Lucas Bang is still my top suspect.

Ari

My top suspect is Alina.

Kyle

It’s true. Alina has been everywhere Lucas Bang has been. But counterpoint, Lucas has been every place Alina has been.

Hallie

Oh-ho!

Ari

Ah~

Kyle

They did it together.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

They’re an item. ‘It wasn’t Maybelline I had to worry about all along!”

Kyle

How tragic that would be on so many fronts.

Hallie

I know! For so many people.

Ari

For mainly Sparky.

Tom

No, I think mainly for me!

Emily

Not Alina’s wife and child?!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Mainly for Hilda.

Kyle

Twenty-three years ago, PICLE had a case. It was the final case of PICLE.

[01:10:00]

If you’re curious about this story, you can find the whole 22-page episode over at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. You can also listen to part of the episode as part of a PICLE Pals radio broadcast on Episode 3, ‘Bang! Bang!’

Tom

We’re bringing in lore tie-ins.

Hallie

[Laughs.] We’re no better than Star Wars now.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You gotta. The finale Ace Attorney case. It’s gotta relate to something that happened in the past. It’s vital.

Hallie

That’s true.

Tom

Oh my god. The DL-6 Incident.

Kyle

[Hums a Phoenix Wright tune.] Anyways. What else happened, Sparky?

Tom

I’m fully expecting a reveal like Oset is Sammy or something like that, because we’ve never seen them together.

Ari

Except we have.

Kyle

You saw them together on the security camera!

Tom

Oh yeah, that’s right. Never mind.

Ari

Alina is Sammy all along. Making her prime suspect. Have we seen Maybelline and Sammy Ester in the same room at the same time at all ever?

Kyle

Hilda and Irene did. They saw her introduce Sammy at the beginning of the tournament and she seemed to hate his guts.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Tom

And we know Chazz and Sammy have been in the same room together.

Kyle

I love that you’re making a list of who’s been in the same room as Sammy Ester. You can add this to your court record, by the way, just a list of who’s been in the same room.

Tom

That’s kind of what we need at this point. And like, PICLE people are like… Christ, is Elliot Sammy? Have we ever seen Elliot and Sammy in the same room?

[Others giggle.]

We didn’t get a chance to ask Maybelline about the MicManor stuff.

Kyle

Yeah. Mictoria?

Hallie

Did you relay that information?

Tom

I didn’t actually get the chance yet, but I assume that before the case I will do so.

Kyle

You all know the court record between then.

Hallie

Okay, because I was going to grill her on it during that scene, but I couldn’t be sure that Sparky knew at that time, but I think it’s really, really funny if Sparky doesn’t know until after Maybelline has vamoosed. If Hilda’s like “oh, by the way, this is what my mom said,” and then Sparky just loses her shit all over again.