23. Cryptid Cryptids

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Music plays, "Halloween Fun" by PaBlikMM.]

Hallie

Hello and welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter: Cryptid Cryptids. That’s right, I’m back and I am doing the equivalent of what The Cookie Crew was last time; two hard C’s, but this time they’re the same word. Cryptid Cryptids! Anyway, we have Emily and Ari here as usual, but we also have Cassidy and Olivia back as our guest stars.

Olivia

Hello!

Hallie

Yes, greet our listeners. Greet our listeners.

Cassidy

Hello, listeners.

Olivia

Hey~

Hallie

Alright. Before we get started, we’re gonna go around and give everybody our names and pronouns, and our character builds, and also their names and pronouns. I’m Hallie, she/her. I’m everybody, so I don’t count.

Olivia

I’m Olivia. My pronouns are she/her. I am playing Yuli, and his pronouns are he/him.

Cassidy

I’m Cassidy. My pronouns are her/she. My character that I’m playing is named Eilidh. Her pronouns are she/her. She is the guardian who reads people.

Ari

Ooh~

Olivia

Oh! Oh yeah. I forgot to say my phrase.

Hallie

Oh yeah, you did, and I forgot to tell you that you forgot.

Olivia

I was too excited. Okay.

Hallie

Say your thing.

Olivia

I’m Yuli. I’m the animal companion who died but lived.

Hallie

Alright, Emily.

Emily

I’m Emily. My pronouns are the reason we can’t say “all women spinoff” anymore. [Laughs.]

Hallie

[Pretend scoff.] Thanks, Emily.

Emily

You’re welcome. My pronouns are they/them, and I am playing Bert, the weird who speaks with their mind. His pronouns are he/him.

Ari

It’s still a “not man spinoff,” so that’s all that matters in here.

[Laughter.]

Emily

All that matters is men are not allowed.

Ari

Men are not allowed. Okay, hello, I am Ari, she/her, and I am playing… eh, exclamation—oh, not exclamation, the other one.

Hallie

Question mark?

Ari

Question mark. He has a name, but it will not be disclosed.

Olivia

Ooh.

Ari

He’s the slapstick who makes deals, pronouns he/him.

Olivia

We’re working on thinking of a nickname for you. It’s gonna be organic.

Ari

Olivia already came up with a great possible name called Mr. Monday. I kind of love that.

Olivia

If we like it, I think that we should just go with it then.

Emily

I’ve been calling him— [A hissing “redacted” covers the name.]

Ari

Oh my god. Emily!

Hallie

I love it though.

Ari

I just don’t want it to be the actual name of the actual person I’m basing the cryptid on.

Hallie

Well, that is just too bad.

Emily

Kyle, cut that.

Ari

Yeah.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Cut it, Kyle.

Emily

For real.

Olivia

Listen to us.

Emily

Not like you say you’re gonna cut things when we embarrass ourselves and then you don’t cut them. Actually cut that one.

Olivia

When you’re a liar.

Cassidy

Wait. Cut it Kyle is the name of the character?

Ari

Yes.

Hallie (as Boatman)

But why would you want your name to be Cut it Kyle?

Hallie

The Boatman says to question mark, exclamation point person.

Cassidy

So we can confuse our host and editor.

Ari

Is this the segue to the game?

Hallie

Yeah, that was the start. For clarification, that was a seamless transition by me, the GM.

[Goofy boisterous Halloween music begins.]

Because all four of you, and we’ll go around and do descriptions in a second, are in the world’s shittiest bachelor pad underneath the local community center, vibing with the Boatman, who looks like the ghost of Christmas future from Muppet Christmas Carol but infinitely more friendly.

Cassidy

Love it.

Hallie

You know how Spider-Man suits you can’t technically see their eyes but you can tell by the movements of the fabric what their emotions are? That’s the Boatman. He’s like a more approachable friendly ghost of Christmas future. He’s just chilling down there.

Olivia

Nice.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

And all of you are there. We can find out why you’re there in a bit, but the first thing he says is:

Hallie (as Boatman)

Why would you want your name to be Cut it Kyle?

Ari

Uh… hang on. I have to say it in voice now. I was not ready.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I completely launched this on you because I saw an opportunity and I took it. I apologize.

Ari

No, it’s fine, it’s fine. I am gonna mute and try to practice this voice.

Hallie

Okay.

Cassidy

Get in character.

Ari

Hang on. Hang on.

Olivia

Scotland!

Emily

Oh, I should have practiced right before now, but I didn’t think to do that.

Cassidy

I didn’t practice any Gaelic, if anybody was looking forward to that.

[Silly spooky ambling music begins.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh, Boatman my friend, my name can be any name you want. It can be Cut it Kyle. I never said it can’t be that. I accept any name that people give me. It becomes part of myself now after you give me the name. You could call me Cut it Kyle, but you know it’s not my name.

Hallie (as Boatman)

But if I call you that, then it becomes your name. No?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

No. That’s a mistake, Boatman friend. It becomes my nickname. My nickname is not the same as my name.

[00:05:00]

Hallie (as Boatman)

Your nickname. Your nickname.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

My name is something very private to me.

Hallie (as Boatman)

I suppose that does make some sense. You know, the Boatman… not my real name either.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

See? I knew we had something in common, Boatman. That’s why we’re friends.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Eyy!

Hallie

Then the Boatman extends his bony little hand. You know how sometimes friends have that little secret handshake or the twiddle fingers? I’m doing it in the video, but our viewers can’t see unless Kyle makes this a behind the scenes video.

Emily

Because they’re not viewers.

Cassidy

It’s like Baymax.

Olivia

It feels like it would make the “wawawawawa” noise, like in Hey Arnold.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Yeah, like in hey Arnold. He does that.

Ari

He will do it as well but very subdued, very slow-mo. Not because he’s not excited about it, that’s just how he is.

Hallie

Just because he’s creepy.

Ari

Yes.

Olivia

Wow. Such a rich character we’re learning about.

Hallie

After that, the Boatman will turn to the rest of you.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Greetings, comrades. What do my comrades like to be called? I can’t remember.

Olivia (as Yuli)

You don’t remember us?

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Boatman)

What is your name? Tell me my grandson’s name. Are you a boy or a girl?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Are you talking to Eilidh?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Are you talking to me, Uncle Boatman?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Yes. You never answer my questions. Eilidh, what is your name?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Boatman, why you gotta be so rude? Maybe they also don’t wanna say their names.

Hallie (as Boatman)

What? Eilidh has said her name to me like a thousand times. I’m asking her to repeat it once more because I can’t remember it.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Boatman…? Uncle Boatman.

Hallie (as Boatman)

What? What? What?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

You’re saying my name already.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Eilidh?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yes.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh, that’s right, your name is Eilidh. That’s right. That’s right.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yes.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Have you met my niece, Cut it out Kyle?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I don’t think we’ve had the pleasure yet. No, I’m afraid not.

Hallie (as Boatman)

This is my niece. Her name is Eilidh. This is a fact that I knew, apparently.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh boy, man. You’re a character.

Hallie (as Boatman)

I don't remember when I learned it, but that is her name. She is studying. She is studying to be, uh… like me. Isn’t that great? She’s gonna be so good at it.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah. My dad studies the occult, and he’s into death cults, and he’s a bit of a psychic too, so I’m just kinda like…

Hallie (as Boatman)

But he doesn’t teach her as well as me. He doesn’t teach her as well as me.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yes, Uncle Boatman. Yes.

Hallie (as Boatman)

He doesn’t, um…

Hallie

Then he leans over and whispers to Yuli.

Hallie (as Boatman)

He doesn’t do a very good job.

Olivia

Holding a tiny paper mug of coffee between my paws.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, no, that makes sense. That makes sense to me. My name is Yuli, if you don’t remember.

Hallie (as Boatman)

I did not remember, but thank you. I don’t remember adopting a cat, but I’m okay that you’re here.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Well… yes, you’ve adopted me. That’s right. You have. You named me Yuli, and you love me.

Olivia

Can I do a check to see if it looks like any of the other beings on this boat are going to try to kill me?

Hallie

Oh, you’re not in a boat. I’m sorry. You’re in the basement of the community center.

Olivia

Oh, I’m sorry. I just imagined we’re on a boat.

Emily

He’s just named the Boatman.

Hallie

I’m sorry, no. He lives—He doesn’t do the Boatmanning anymore. He lives in the community center and he does, like, whatever. I didn’t explain that, but I did draw a little map of what his bachelor pad looks like, and he has a bunk bed which looks like a boat.

Cassidy

Ooh.

Olivia

Oh, that’s wonderful.

Cassidy

Okay, that’s cute.

Emily

I love it.

Hallie

It’s like a racecar bed but it’s a boat and there’s two of them because it’s a bunk bed.

Ari

A boantk… bed.

Hallie

Yeah, a boantk bed.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Sorry. Is Eilidh learning to be a Boatman, or is she learning to work at a community center?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Uh, yes.

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

Okay. Alright.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

That is very proactive, Eilidh. Nice meeting you.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

It’s good to meet all of you, too. I’m really happy to be here. I’m not really sure what we’re doing here, though. What is your name, person we haven’t been introduced to yet? Hi.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Emily

A cold little hand grasps gently onto the Boatman’s.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Cassidy

I can’t…

Emily (as Bert)

My name’s Bert.

Hallie

The Boatman screams because he didn’t know you were there.

Hallie (as Boatman)

AGH!

Olivia (as Yuli)

Boatman, he’s not omniscient or nothin’.

Hallie (as Boatman)

What are you doing here?

Emily (as Bert)

What do you mean what am I doing here?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Eilidh?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

What? I…

Hallie (as Boatman)

What? What?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

What…?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Who… Did you bring a friend? Because that’s fine. I like when you do. I’m cool. So it’s fine when you bring the friends. I just… your hands are so cold, and I’m dead. Why are you colder than the dead?

[Laughter.]

Emily

Bert lifts the hand slightly and pats it with his other equally icy hand… and then steps a little bit away but still kind of uncomfortably close for how startling he had been.

[00:10:00]

Emily (as Bert)

I saw the open door and so I went through it.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh, that makes sense. The door is open for exactly that purpose. I am glad you came through the door, uh, uh…

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

It’s nice to meet you, Bert.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Bert?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

[Whispering.] Boatman, it’s Bert.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Bert. Okay. Okay, Eilidh. Bert.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Boatman is Bert?

Hallie (as Boatman)

It’s Bert. It’s Bert. This is Bert, everybody! He came through the door.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Hi, Bird.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Isn’t that great? I am so glad to have all my friends here in my home, underneath the community center, that is not a boat.

Olivia (as Yuli)

No. Common misconception.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Common misconception. I agree. I agree. But, you must be wondering why, except for the pleasure of my company of course, I have summoned you all here.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Not really. I don't know, but I assume it’s gonna be something fun.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh, it is!

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

As it always is with my friend, the Boatman.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh yes, with me, the Boatman, except actually I was thinking more like with my niece who is not the Boatman but is related. And then maybe the rest of you, I don't know. Do you guys like the mail?

Olivia (as Yuli)

The mail? M-A-I-L?

Hallie (as Boatman)

The mail. Yes, I-L, like the postal mail.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

No, I hate mail people.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Hate them.

Hallie (as Boatman)

God. Right, Eilidh? They’re the worst. That is why I cannot go to the post office.

Emily (as Bert)

But mail is like magic. Sometimes there’s just a letter from nowhere for you.

Hallie (as Boatman)

See? That is the energy that I want to bring to this community center tonight. Thank you, Bert, thank you. I would like to present you with…

Hallie

And then he whips out from the folds of his robe a letter. It’s not addressed, there’s no address, it just says B.Y. on it.

Olivia

B.I.?

Hallie

B.Y.

Cassidy

B.Y.~

Hallie

Like initials.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Hallie (as Boatman)

You see, I need this letter to get to a dear friend. It is very important. I cannot go to the post office because they won’t let me back in there.

Olivia (as Yuli)

What have you done?

Hallie (as Boatman)

I’m legally not allowed to talk about it. I legally cannot describe what happened to the post office that day. But rest assured I cannot go back there. So, today I invited my friends and I opened the door to my community center on the off chance someone would come in and be like “hey, I really want to deliver a letter.”

[Laughter.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Don’t worry. I understand. It is like me with ice cream shops. I am not able to go to ice cream shops and I don’t understand why.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Right? Right, Cut it out Kyle? It’s the worst. It’s the worst. You, I assume, are also legally bound to silence.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Is anybody else banned from places here or am I the only one that’s not getting in trouble?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Yes, let’s share.

Olivia (as Yuli)

There’s places I won’t go, but…

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh yeah, definitely.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Where won’t you go, Yuli?

[Music changes to threatening oppressive ambience.]

Olivia

He looks fiercely into the middle distance, out a window and into a gathering storm cloud.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Animal control. Can never go back there again, until I’m ready.

Olivia

And I go back to licking my saucer of cup—my little paper cup of coffee.

[Laughter. Music returns to silly ambling song.]

Hallie

Your saucer of cup.

Emily (as Bert)

I’m also not allowed in post offices.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh! Kindred spirit, Bert and I. We don’t like the post office, but we like the magic of the mail. Yes-yes, we are going to be such good friends. Again, I’m so glad you walked through my door.

Emily

His little icy hand goes back into the Boatman’s.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay. Okay. Yes. Are you cold? Because I have a cool fireplace over there. You can sit by the—

Olivia

It’s a cold fireplace? Or a cool one, like it’s “cool?”

Hallie

It’s blue fire, but it’s warm. It’s not cold fire. It’s just, you know, cool blue fire.

Olivia

I got it. It’s beautiful.

Emily (as Bert)

It’s okay, I have socks.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh good. For your hands?

Emily (as Bert)

Well, for my feet, but I—

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay, but your hands are the ones that are cold.

Emily (as Bert)

I could put socks on my hands if you want.

Hallie (as Boatman)

I do want. Put the socks on your hands.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Bert starts trying to take off his socks.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie (as Boatman)

No-no, leave those socks there. Do you not have more socks? Do you need more socks for your hands?

Emily (as Bert)

Well, I don’t usually carry around socks that aren’t on my feet.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay. You know what? Don’t worry about it. We’re getting distracted. The point is I need this letter delivered, s'il vous plaît.

Olivia

Ça va?

Hallie

Oui.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Olivia

Okay. That’s out of character. Yuli would never speak French. Okay, you want us to… This is me out of character. He wants us to take this letter somewhere?

Hallie

Yep.

Olivia

Okay. I know that I won’t be expected to hold it, so I might as well tag along.

Hallie

As long as you’re not expected to do any of the work.

Olivia

I finish off my little cup of coffee.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Will there be donuts when we return?

Hallie (as Boatman)

What?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Or pizza?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Pizza Patsa.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Oh yes, no-no, that is like… While you leave, I am going to go to the 7-Helleven.

Olivia

[Cackles.]

[00:15:00]

Hallie (as Boatman)

And I am going to get some Pepsi Cola. Didn’t change that name. That just is there now, in the 7-Helleven. Then I will go to the pizza pallor, not parlor.

Olivia

Pallor?

Hallie (as Boatman)

The pallor.

Ari

[Delighted.] Pizza Patsa!

Hallie

[Delighted.] Patsa-patsa!

Hallie (as Boatman)

I am going to go to the patsa-patsa.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

My friend, Boatman, I do want to help you with your letter, but…

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Do make sure you do go to Pizza Patsa and to Pepsi Cola. You know how I do things around here. So, do you want to make a deal out of this?

Ari

And I want to do Makes Deals which is my descriptor.

Olivia

Yes! Do it.

Hallie

For god’s sake.

Ari

When making or receiving an offer from a PC or NPC, you are able to turn it into a binding contract.

Olivia

Nice!

Olivia (as Yuli)

Make the promise for pizza.

Hallie

Alright. Boatman wants you to deliver the letter.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

And I want you to go to Pizza Patsa, and the Pepsi Cola, and throw the best Pizza Patsa party when we come back.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay. I am willing to accept this deal. Is there any catch to this? I know you like your catches.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

No catch. I want the best Pizza Patsa party from you, the Boatman, not the good Pizza Patsa party but the best Pizza Patsa party.

Hallie (as Boatman)

The best Pizza Patsa party. Okay, okay. Okay, deal!

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Deal.

Hallie

The Boatman extends his hand for a shake.

Ari

He does it too, but also, once again, slowly and very nonchalant and making weird eye contact.

Hallie

Which is difficult because the Boatman doesn’t even have eyes.

Ari

It’s also difficult because my character is wearing sunglasses.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Just an unstoppable force and an immovable object.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

The reason I asked Ari whether there were any catches is because the Part 2 of this move is that you can add modifiers to the deal, like time limits and penalties. However, I don’t think…

Ari

No. I didn’t want to do it in a mischievous way. I just wanted to flex my move early on, because otherwise I would forget about it.

Hallie

No, that’s what I figured. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t want to throw in something. The Boatman doesn’t care. He’s gonna throw you the best patsa party.

Ari

No. The thing is, my character doesn’t care. He’s not actually been mischievous towards you. He just wants the best party with all of his friends.

Olivia

Yeah. He just wants to be cool.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Is it too late? Can you ask him to also get crazy bread?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Crazy bread? Yeah, I can get crazy bread. I can get two, two crazy breads, because it’s going to be…

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh!

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Ah, let’s not get “too” crazy here, guys.

Hallie (as Boatman)

…the best patsa party. Eilidh, Eilidh, Eilidh. What do you want? Do you want crazy bread? Do you want mozzarella sticks?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Mozzarella sticks, for sure.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay~ Bert! Bert. What do you want from the Pizza Patsa and from the 7-Helleven?

Emily

From the Boatman’s other side, Bert says:

Emily (as Bert)

I like to drink marinara sauce.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay, well um…

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I like that too.

Hallie (as Boatman)

What?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

But I want to be able to have it with little spoons rather than drink it.

Cassidy

Oh my gosh.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay. Well, I was going to say no because it was just too weird, but fine, fine, fine. I will get several small marinara sauces.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

With spoons for me to drink it.

Hallie (as Boatman)

With spoons for Cut it Kyle to drink it with. Okay, with a spoon. Does anybody have further requests? … Excellent. Okay! You can go deliver the letter. I have things to do for the pizza party. Ah-ha!

[Cartoon twirl SFX.]

Hallie

Boatman’s gone. He went through. He left a cloud of dust behind him.

Cassidy

And the letter is just sitting on his chair?

Hallie

Yep.

Emily

Did he just leave us in his home or is he in another part of his bachelor pad?

Hallie

No, he just left. He just left. You’re alone in his home.

Emily

Who has the letter?

Ari

I can hold it if you want, when we did the deal. The deal can be grabbing the letter.

Hallie

Oh, okay. Yeah, we’ll say Cut it out Kyle—

Ari

[Laughs.] Is that just gonna be his name?

Hallie

That’s just your name now.

Ari

Oh man, things backfired so poorly today.

Hallie

Thanks to my excellent segue.

Ari

[Delighted.] I hate this.

Hallie

I’m so good at this.

Emily

Don’t worry, we’ll branch out. We’ve got a whole…

Olivia (as Yuli)

You look like more of a Freddie.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah. Freddie is a classic name.

Olivia (as Yuli)

With an I-E.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Even more classic. I like it. I have been called Freddie in the past before. It’s a name that is near and dear to my heart. I can be called Freddie again.

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

Great. I’m writing it down. Freddie and the Boatman make a deal.

[00:20:00]

Lots of “ee” names, names that end with “ee.” Do you ever go by Bertie?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Well, I think—

Olivia (as Yuli)

I was actually talking to Bert. Sorry.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Okay. I was gonna say, it would be confusing if I go by Birdie because his name is Bird and I thought that would be confused.

Emily

Bert looks devastated for a moment.

Emily (as Bert)

I was gonna suggest that you could be named Bert 2, but I guess it’s not a very good idea.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I like the name Bird. I can be Bird 2.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Sorry. Is your name Bert or Bird?

Emily (as Bert)

Bert.

Cassidy

Uh… can we do quick description run-down too?

Hallie

Yes. I was going to segue into that once you started.

Olivia

As we start—as we walk out of the…

Hallie

Yeah. You know, like montage style. What’s the song that plays in Ice Age?

Cassidy & Olivia

[Singing.] On my way!

Hallie

Yeah, that one. There we go. And then Matilda makes pancakes too. That starts playing.

Ari

Oh my god, yes!

Hallie

And now we can describe what all of our cute little cryptid kids look like.

Ari

Kyle, you better look for a song that sounds exactly like that.

Olivia

Exactly like that! You do it as close as you can, even if you have to just make noises in your mouth.

[Giggling.]

Cassidy

Please sing.

[Upbeat light rock music plays.]

Olivia

Yuli is a white cat. Pretty much average size cat, longer hair, but with the unmistakable marks of filth and injury on his fur.

Ari

Oh no!

Olivia

He has like a nicked ear and a tail with a bandage wrapped around it, always. And a hitch in his giddy-up, a limp on his left back paw.

Ari

Aww.

Olivia

Oh! He’s also polydactyl. It’s like the Hemmingway cats. He has a bunch of extra claws. He has 24 claws altogether.

Hallie

Ooh. Yeah.

Olivia

I have thumbs and I have double thumbs, like a koala.

Cassidy

Eilidh is a typical teenage looking girl. Pretty gangly. Already pretty tall. Dark skin, frizzy short brunette hair, a little scuffed up from playing soccer earlier in the afternoon or something. She’s got some sporty clothes on. She’s got a kinda vacant look on her face right now trying to figure out what to call Ari’s character.

Ari

Cut it out Kyle. I am sorry for creating this chaos.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] yeah. No, she’s just…

Hallie

Bert 2! Bird 2.

Olivia

We have Bert 2. We have Cut it Kyle. We have Freddie and we have Mr. Monday.

Ari

Yeah.

Olivia

We can all have a vote.

Cassidy

No thoughts behind her eyes right now though. She’s just kinda running low on RAM right now, just puzzling through who these people are.

Ari

I bet you’re wondering how I got into this situation.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

I’m really glad that we said we’re gonna describe our characters because I thought you were playing a dog.

Cassidy

She is part dog.

Emily

Okay.

Olivia

Oh. Ooh. Cut that, cut it, save it for later. Spoilers.

Ari

Cut it out Kyle slash Freddie slash Bert 2 slash Mr. Monday.

Olivia

We can combine these.

Ari

He looks like a regular guy, long hair, sunglasses, wearing some sort of tux. He looks like maybe… I don't know the ages of everybody, but if everybody looks teens he looks slightly older than that, like maybe 20s or something like that. But he would say he’s a teen even though he’s clearly not a teen.

Olivia

That’s insidious.

Ari

Also, if this is kind of like a cartoon setting, he would look slightly different. If everybody’s painted in a special cartoon style, he would be drawn with a slightly different cartoon style or a slightly different frame rate or something that makes him look slightly weird and slightly off-place but not as much.

Emily

Speaking of slightly weird. If you kind of combine Persona 5 Mothman…

Ari

Excellent start.

Emily

…with a Wooloo.

Olivia

You could be making up all these words. You could just be making noises and I wouldn’t know.

[Someone makes silly sheep monster sounds.]

Emily

I’m trying to think of better ways to describe the painting that I sent you all.

Olivia

Oh yeah. You look kind of like a badminton shuttlecock.

Emily

Yeah!

Olivia

Just kind of a round little head and straight down little wings, and big old eyes.

Emily

Yeah. He’s got these huge, slightly luminous, round eyes that you’re not quite sure what color they are.

Cassidy

Iridescent.

Olivia

He’s a moth boy with weird eyes.

Emily

He’s just happy to be here.

Cassidy

I mean, who’s not happy to be here? I’m happy to be here.

Olivia

Not… Not Yuli.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

I haven’t made a check to see if it seems like these people are gonna murder me. Can I kinda hold back a couple steps, Hallie, and then just give them a onceover?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yes. You can do that.

Olivia

Okay. Come on.

[Rolls.] That’s a 2, so it’s two ones.

Hallie
Snake eyes.

Olivia

Snake eyes!

Hallie

I don't know, a natural 2 is a critical failure.

Olivia

Yeah, it’s a critical failure. So I’m just full of distrust.

[00:25:00]

Hallie

Towards all three party members.

Olivia

I looked at these three individuals. They’re all easily four times my size.

Emily

Bert’s pretty small though.

Olivia

Yes, but I’m still a cat. You’re probably like three feet tall, right?

Emily

Yeah, that’s true.

Olivia

If I stood up, maybe then I’d be almost as tall as you, but I don’t, it’s undignified.

Hallie

I’m thinking of Winnie the Pooh when things that are not actually bigger than them sometimes appear bigger if they’ve got Heffalumps and Woozles in their heads. Maybe Bert is about the same size as you, but you don't know that because you’re afraid. I also think it would be funny if everybody went around and said one thing they think Yuli is afraid of them for.

Ari

Oh!

Olivia

Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s do that! I look at you and in each one of you I see full potential to murder me. Even likelihood.

Cassidy

Uh…

Olivia

My first roll is a critical failure. The worst thing I could possibly get.

[Mischievous sneaky music begins.]

Emily

I would like to use an ability to explain why he’s scared.

Hallie

Yeah, you can do that.

Emily

I would like to use The Void Stares Back.

Ari

Oh no.

[Laughter.]

Emily

This is: Reflect someone’s inner self back at them.

Ari

Oh my god!

Olivia

Oh god.

Emily

If your target is a PC, choose their highest stat. This move must be used on a target that can perceive you and cannot be used on the same target more than once per adventure.

Olivia

So you can only do this to me once. That’s cool.

Emily

I can only do it to you once, but I feel like it’s a really great introduction.

Olivia

I think so too. I try to cast a glance at you and I just catch you fully looking at me.

Emily

Well, Bert sort of melts in and out of the shadows and his huge eyes stare, almost a little blankly. He’s full of love, but you can’t tell.

Olivia

No, yeah, all I see is all the things I haven’t been, all the things I wasn’t able to do and all the people I have failed.

Hallie

The move also specifies what you learn based on the highest stats, but for you Books and Slick are tied. Right?

Olivia

Yeah, so whichever.

Hallie

Okay. Do you want Bert to learn one thing that you know or do you want them to learn one of your weaknesses and then gain +1 ongoing the rest of the adventure?

Emily

I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna be rolling against you, probably.

Olivia

Hmm…

Hallie

Probably not. Probably not.

Olivia

I don't know, it scares me the way you’re talking about it.

Hallie

Yeah, just… probably not. I don’t think that… yeah, there’s no reason I brought it up.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Olivia

I think I’m just gonna choose that you know something about me which is that Yuli has died many times, more than once. One of them, got ran over by a car.

Cassidy

Oh no.

Emily

Bert squats down next to you.

Emily (as Bert)

It’s okay, I can’t drive.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

I can’t drive either.

Emily (as Bert)

Oh, I just figured you would want to know.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh, that you can’t… I see what you’re saying. That you can’t drive. You can’t drive a car to run me over. That’s fine. That’s alright.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s good. Yes, I appreciate it.

Olivia

[Amused.] You’re just still staring and smiling at me.

Emily

His eyes shine a little brighter.

Olivia

I’m still in full arched-back cat mode.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, it’s fine.

Emily (as Bert)

You look soft.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, that’s alright.

Emily (as Bert)

Can I—

Olivia

Just stumble back several steps.

Emily

[Laughing.] He starts to reach out.

Olivia

I turn the other direction. I’m just gonna stutter back a couple feet.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s alright. That’s alright. You’re alright.

Emily

Bert was doing the thing that kids do when animals are running away from them and they had already squatted down. They walk forward squatted down a little bit.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s alright.

Emily

He’ll stand back up.

Olivia

Shivering. Shaking from tail to tip. What the hell is gonna happen to me?

[Music ends.]

Emily

[Chipper.] Nothing!

Olivia

[Groans.]

Hallie

Why is Yuli afraid of Eilidh?

Olivia

There is something about her I deeply fear. It rattles my bones.

Cassidy

Eh, it can’t be because she’s doglike and you’re catlike.

Ari

Cannot be an instinctual fear.

Cassidy

No… No.

[Chuckles.] I think Eilidh’s just tall.

[Laughter.]

She’s a little scuffed up from sports earlier, so…?

Olivia

Oh yeah. I can just see that you’re like an athlete.

Hallie

So you’re automatically frightening.

Olivia

And she’s incredibly good at kicking small partially-white things. I see her confusedly kicking a soccer ball through the uprights of a football field.

Hallie

The next step from kicking a soccer ball is kicking a cat.

Olivia

Kicking a cat.

Cassidy

Yep.

Ari

They sure are.

Cassidy

Easily confused.

Hallie

Shape and size.

Olivia

It’s great wisdom among the cats. It’s known by all.

Hallie

Did we want to go with—? We can cut this. I had that you have helped Yuli cross a million times. Did we want that to factor into why you’re afraid? We don’t have to. I’m just bringing it up in case.

Olivia

I had forgotten about that.

[00:30:00]

Cassidy

That’s also a possibility. You just associate me with all the times you’ve died. [Laughs.]

Olivia

Sure. I’ll say then, furthermore, in addition to just knowing the strength of your calves and ability to kick me, you have seen me at my worst and most vulnerable and that is unbearable.

Cassidy

[laughs.] Yeah.

Olivia

What about you, Ari?

Ari

What about me? Well, I think that he’s just really creepy in general. I think also, just like Bert, he has been trying to pet Yuli. Just the little pat-pat. But, because he looks so creepy, it brightens Yuli.

Olivia

Yeah. You just pat my head and it goes down and then it goes down again.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yeah pat, pat, pat, occasionally.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Alright.

Hallie

It’s not a normal pat.

Ari

“Oh, this next pat is gonna kill me for sure.”

Olivia

He’s gonna put my chin through the earth by patting me very hard. Okay. Well, I am full of trepidation and fear.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I’ll be the caboose, eh? I’ll bring up the rear. That’s fine.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh, are you sure? You can sit with me, kitty.

Olivia (as Yuli)

No. Shaking my head no, but thank you.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Okay. I’ll leave a space if you change your mind.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Alright.

Hallie

So, Cut it out Kyle, you have the letter. Right?

Ari

I do.

Hallie

Okay. I forgot to specify. Well, I did. It’s unaddressed. There is no indication of where it’s supposed to go except a little magical compass-like thing that has been engraved on the envelope that is automatically showing you, despite there being no address and no name on the card except for B.Y., like… it’ll point you where you need to go, magical compass-like.

Ari

Ooh. He will just say:

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

This letter leads the way. Over there.

Ari

Then he’s just going to start walking with the letter.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I thought Uncle Boatman told us to take it to the post office because the whole reason was he was banned from there.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Can’t go to the post office.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh, it’s true. Do you know where the post office is? This letter has an arrow pointing to a direction. Is that the post office?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

We can find out.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Let’s go.

Olivia (as Yuli)

How could you ever pay for the postage on this sort of thing? Because the address is just an unknown direction that could take any amount of time to get there. Anyway.

Olivia

I’m just following. I’m suspiciously walking behind everybody else.

Cassidy

From the back.

Olivia

My eyes looking from one to another.

Hallie

Like, “these people are going to murder me at any time.”

Olivia

One of you scratches your arm and I just jump back.

Cassidy

I guess Eilidh probably has an idea where the post office is. She’ll start walking in that direction because she’s really confused about where we’re supposed to go. “Oh, Boatman told us to go to the post office, so we’re gonna go to the post office.”

Hallie

The arrow on the letter does not go the way that you know the post office is.

Ari

Oh no!

Cassidy

Oh, even better. Okay. So she’s still just… unless everybody else walks the other way.

Emily

Bert is wandering in the direction that the arrow is pointing.

Ari

Yeah, I’m just too distracted by the letter, so unless somebody turns my character around to the post office, he’s just gonna keep going.

[Silly friendly music begins.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh wait, am I…? I think I’m going the wrong way. Okay, I’ll follow you guys, that sounds good. Yeah, cool. Actually, Mr. Tall Suit Man, I don’t want to mix up your name anymore. Can I just call you Nicolas Cage? Because you remind me of him.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh… that is flattering, being reminded of the Nicolas, of the Nicolas Cage.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

He’s in a lot of good movies.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Yes. You can call me the Nicolas Cage.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Awesome. That will make things a lot easier for me. Thank you.

Olivia

[Writing.] Nicolas Cage, so it shall be. And it’s Nikolas, And-I-K-O-L-A-S, Kage, K-A-G-E.

Cassidy

K-A-G-E.

Olivia

K-A.

Hallie

[Pronounces it funny.] Kage!

Ari

How did we get to this point?

Olivia

It was the inevitable motion of destiny that brought us here.

Cassidy

Everything comes back to Nicolas Cage at some point.

Olivia

Always. Always.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Okay. So, we’re following the compass on the letter. Cool. So which way is it going?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Um…

Cassidy

What does the neighborhood look like?

Hallie

It looks like a pretty standard suburban neighborhood. You probably know a lot of the streets because you come visit Uncle Boatman a lot. It’s just houses. Occasionally you’ll pass by a little strip mall that has a convenience store, a dentist’s office…

Olivia

Another 7-Helleven.

Cassidy

Oh yeah.

Hallie

7-Helleven, a place we have all been. Kyle, cut that out. Cut out the specific city location.

Ari

Cut it out, Kyle.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Several

Cut it out, Kyle!

Hallie

Or bleep it so that everyone thinks I said something bad.

Olivia

We should call you Coik, “Cut it out Kyle.”

Cassidy

That’s what I was thinking, too! An acronym.

Hallie

[With sitcom cadence.] Cut, it, out!

Olivia

Coik!

Cassidy

Coik!

Olivia (as Yuli)

All the options are ahead of us. But, I have already written “official name, Nikolas Kage,” so I don't know if I can renegotiate that at this point.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

You guys don’t have to call him Nikolas Cage. It’s just for me.

[00:35:00]

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh, that makes sense.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Because it was hard to keep track of everything and I didn’t want to be rude.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh, that’s okay. My real name is hard to pronounce as well which is why I don’t say my real name.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh, I understand.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

But, I accept Nikolas Kage.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Every day in school when the teacher calls if I’m here, and they look at my name, and I can see the light leave their eyes… it’s kind of funny, kind of hilarious.

Ari

Oh, that is my life. That’s just my life. I know when they’re gonna say my name because they stop and they have a thousand yard stare. I’m like, yep, that would be me.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yep. And then I stand up and say “it’s me, Eilidh is how you pronounce it.”

Ari

Oh, I was speaking out of character, but I guess this—

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

I love that.

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s a universal experience.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I don’t have experience with a class, but I know my name is hard to pronounce. I haven’t pronounced it a lot to people because they just can’t say it back.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Are you sure you still know how?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

What?

Olivia (as Yuli)

How to pronounce it. Do you still know how?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

If this is a trick to get me to pronounce my name, it’s not going to work, kitty.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Could you spell it for us and then we could pronounce it? We could guess. Make it a game.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That could be helpful.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Uh… no.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I mean, I could, but I have been tricked this way before and it only works once.

Olivia (as Yuli)

[Laughs.] You’re one tough cookie there, Nikolas.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Nikolas Kage. I like this name, Nikolas Kage.

Emily (as Bert)

Can I still call you Bert?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Bert 2, surely.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I like your name. I like the name Bird 2. You can call me Bird 2, Bird.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] We’re all just gonna have a different name.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I can be Nikolas Bird 2.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I’m just gonna stay with Freddie. I like it. Freddie Monday.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

If you can all call me a different name, then it will be the special name for my special friends.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yes.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

If a special friend gives me a special name, it makes me more special.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s nice. That’s good.

Cassidy

[Giggles.] That’s so cute.

Olivia

So yeah, I guess we just keep following the envelope’s arrow and talking about nicknames.

Ari

As this happens…

Hallie

And talking about nicknames. You’re just vibing while the song continues to loop in the background.

[Light rock music begins.]

Cassidy

[Singing.] On my way!

Olivia

[Singing.] On my way!

That’s short enough. Legally we can use that.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Hallie

[Nasally.] Hi, it’s me, Kyle, doing a recording for the announcement break.

Just kidding! It’s me, Hallie, the GM for Cryptid Cryptids. I bet I fooled all of you with my really good Kyle impression. But hi! It’s me. I’m the GM for this session, and so you get to hear me bumble over myself in the announcement break.

My first announcement this break is that there’s new Under the Neighborhood content in this session that involves Eilidh’s descriptor and Mr. Monday’s playbook. Mr. Monday actually used his descriptor which is also new. It’s called Makes Deals. He used it for the Pizza Patsa party. You’ll have to keep listening to find out how that resolves, but it’s a good playbook, it’s a good descriptor. Eilidh’s descriptor is great. It’s all great! 

Kyle is working on a $10 character options book that includes those things and much more, so if you want that and a lot of other Under the Neighborhood content, you could get it if you back us at the $10 level on Patreon. That gets you the Under the Neighborhood content and a monthly short story. You could just buy the book itself, because that’s also $10, but then the Patreon tier is also $10 and includes the whole book plus a lot more, so it is a lot more cost-effective.

However, if $10 is too much, we do have a $5 tier that includes all my crappy stuff like all my maps and video clips of the funniest moments during Cryptid Cryptids. If you want to check that out, you can go to Patreon.com/QuestFriends.

Speaking of Patreons, you should also consider visiting Tsar Power’s!

[Game show music begins.]

Tsar Power is a wonderful history podcast that goes through all the rulers of Russia from…

[Music ends abruptly.]

Oh my god, I can’t remember the first one… Rurik to Putin!

[Music returns.]

That’s what it is! I knew they were both five letters. Rurik to Putin. We have a handy-dandy audio clip that we’re going to play for them.

Kyle

[In the distance.] Are you trying to reach for the clip?

[Laughs.] Are you trying to physically…?

Hallie

[Laughs.] No! … I kind of was. I was like, I’m a radio jockey! I’m gonna play the Tsar Power!

[Music changes to Tsar Power intro.]

Roberto

[In a Russian accent.] Hello, comrades.

Welcome to the podcast you are currently listening to. I promise, this isn’t a Russian invasion, just a temporary occupation. I’m Roberto, one of the hosts of the podcast Tsar Power.

[00:40:00]

Brendan

And I’m Brendan, the other half of the podcast. Together we’re ranking the Russian rulers from Rurik to Putin. They will compete based on how well they fought, how successful they were in life, how much “kompromat” or blackmail they had on them, how handsome they were, and how long they ruled for.

Roberto

After being scored, we decide whether they get to party it out in the Kremlin or get sent straight to the Gulag. Those who make it to the Kremlin will need to duke it out for the position of Best Russian Ruler. You can find us on any podcast host as Tsar Power, on Twitter at @TsarPowerPod, and on Facebook as Tsar Power. That’s Tsar spelled T-S-A-R.

Brendan

Now, back to your regularly scheduled podcast. And, if you hear a knock on your door,

[Sounds of firm knocking.]

[In a Russian accent.] Beware. The KGB is coming to make your stay a bit more… permanent.

Hallie

I am one of their patrons! I am one of their Dukes. I have ducal status. I am Duke Hallie of Pushkin, lead advisor to Nicky 2 and Head Cossack Detective. And it is so worth it. I love Brendan and Roberto. I think they’re wonderful. I love Russian history. I’m so glad there is this weird niche podcast that I can now go to, to learn about all the rulers from Rurik to Putin, and someday that will include Nicky 2, and you’ll find that my representation of him was 100% historically accurate. You’re all gonna be like wow Hallie, you were so smart, and I’ll be like yeah, thanks Tsar Power!

That’s in the Welcome to Tsarvia crossover where I play Nicky 2. We did a crossover with them because we like them so much. So, that thing I just referenced, actually that’s in our crossover that we did with them. I play Nicky 2 and it’s really historically accurate. So, thanks once again, Tsar Power, for doing what you do and for being in our crossover.

Our next episode is Monday, April 10, and I have been informed that is the end of the announcement break. I don’t have any thoughts that need to go into the announcement break. So, thank you so much for listening, and I hope that you continue listening to see how the makes deals Pizza Potsy… Pizza Patsa party… is resolved.

[Light rock music carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie

Take a GM Intrusion. So, the arrow on the letter, it’s malfunctioning.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

It shakes back and forth, and then sometimes it will turn completely around and then turn right back around again. The farther you continue on the course, the worse that it’s getting.

Ari

Ah.

Hallie

Don’t forget to take an AP for that also.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

Everybody has 1 AP by the way. Everybody starts with 1 AP. A thing I forgot to tell you, even though players care very much when they have things like AP.

Olivia

Very exciting.

Cassidy

Gimme that Adventure Point~

Hallie

Yes.

Ari

So I get an AP. Well, I’ll say my character… I will call him Mr. Monday, but everybody else can call him the different names. Mr. Monday wouldn’t notice it, so somebody else would have to notice that he’s walking even weirder than he usually walks which is still pretty weird.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Hallie

Have you seen the teabag walk?

Ari

No.

Hallie

Hang on. Hang on.

Cassidy

Oh no.

Hallie

It’s from like a Monty Python sketch I think.

Cassidy

It’s the Ministry of Silly Walks. Yeah.

Hallie

Yes! You’re right. Teabag style. That’s what I’m imagining. As the arrow gets weirder, your walking also gets weirder.

Ari

Yes.

Emily

Bert’s icy little hand grasps your wrist.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh. Oh hi, friend.

Emily (as Bert)

[Gasps.] magnets!

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Magnets? Where?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Bert)

Look at the arrow.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh… It’s this way. No, it’s this way. No, it is that way. Hmm, we might…

Ari

And he’s gonna turn to—what’s her name, Erin? Ell…?

Hallie

Eilidh.

Cassidy

Eilidh.

Ari

Eilidh.

Cassidy

Yes.

Hallie

It is not spelled that way at all.

Cassidy

Oh, no.

Ari

He’s gonna be like:

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I think this was the wrong direction to go to, my friend Eilidh.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Hmm…

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

The arrow has been broken.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That sure doesn’t look right. Hmm… I don't know what to do about that.

Olivia

Can I think about magnets for a moment?

Cassidy

How do they work~?

Olivia

I can’t see it. I’m gazing at the bottom of the envelope. But, I’ll try to think about anything I’ve ever learned about magnets.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Maybe somebody else can grab it. Maybe you can grab it.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Put it down. Put it down here.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Maybe I am a magnet.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Put it on the ground so I can look at it.

Ari

He’s put it on the ground.

Cassidy

I was gonna take it from him.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh! Then no, you can take it.

Olivia

You’re probably smarter than me.

Ari

He’s going to put it on the ground and then you take it away before he puts it on the ground.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Alright. That’s fine.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

What if… Okay guys, crazy idea. What if we just opened it up and maybe there’s an address inside?

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s a federal crime, missy.

Emily (as Bert)

That’s why I’m not allowed in a post office.

[00:45:00]

 [Laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Actually Bert, you bring up a good point. I think it’s illegal to open up mail.

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s absolutely illegal.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah, okay, yeah.

Olivia (as Yuli)

You’ll go to jail for the rest of your life.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Well, there’s no address here.

Cassidy

Is the compass changing at all now that Eilidh’s holding it?

Hallie

Nope. It is still malfunctioning in the same way.

Olivia (as Yuli)

What if we go back? We go back the other way. If we retrace our steps, does it begin to act normal again?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah, let’s do that.

Cassidy

So, we’re just gonna walk back the way we came.

Emily

Can we tell the way we came?

Cassidy

True. Are our surroundings changing?

Emily

Like, where are we?

Hallie

Yes. No, you can tell the way. You’re not “lost” lost. It’s not like “oh, oops, a hedge just closed behind you.” No. But, as you go back the way you came, the lights come on in a building that’s next to you and a figure pops out. He’s clearly opening the place for the night.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as figure)

Oh hey!

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh hi. Who are you, friend?

Hallie (as figure)

Oh, my name’s Yugi.

Cassidy

Chuckling.] Yugi Moto?

Olivia

Suspicious.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh hi, Yugi. My name is… My friends call me Freddie, or they call me Nikolas Kage, or they call me Bird 2. You can call me that or any other name if you want.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh! Uh…

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You don’t have to decide right now.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Okay. It’s really nice to meet you regardless. You guys aren’t here for my grand opening, are you?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I don't know. I do not think so.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh…

Hallie

He looks crestfallen.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh shoot. I was really hoping that, you know… I mean I guess I just opened like literally one second ago, I opened the door, but…

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

What are you selling?

Hallie (as Yugi)

Well, look.

Emily

Bert waves at you all from inside.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

I call it the Entertainment Gym.

Hallie

You see Bert illuminated against… because Yugi hits this switch and it lights up, and the sign above the entrance says The Raveyard.

[Whimsical music begins.]

Ari

Ooh.

Hallie (as Yugi)

It’s an entertainment center. It’s really cool. I mean, I hope so, I hope it’s really fun.

Emily

Is the light bright?

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

Yeah.

Cassidy

We lost Bert.

Ari

Nooo!

Emily

Bert freezes and stares at it intently.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh hey, one of your friends is already inside. That’s great. You know, it’s part of the opening weekend, so everything is free. There’s no admission fee for this specific opening night if you guys want to come check it out.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That sounds pretty rad to me.

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s a pretty good deal.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Boatman didn’t give us any time deadline, right?

[Music ends.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

No, there was  no timeline in Mr. Monday’s deal.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Mr. Boatman.

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

Mr. Monday and the Boatman.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah! You’re right. They made that deal. Oh my gosh.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, and it wasn’t specific about the timeline.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Yeah. I made the deal. But you know, the only thing we would lose is the best Pizza Patsa party, but we can also make our own Pizza Patsa party if we do.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yes.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh! You know what? We have Pizza Patsa inside.

Olivia

I zip inside! I zip inside past everyone.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh, I love Pizza Patsa.

Ari

Then I’m just gonna go inside.

Cassidy

Yep, everybody’s going in.

[Whimsical music begins.]

Hallie

Inside the Raveyard is like the opposite of the Boatman’s shitty bachelor pad. It is the coolest place you have ever seen. It’s like if a McDonalds play place and Chuck E. Cheese was the same place.

Olivia

Wow.

Hallie

As you can see from this map, there’s a ball pit, there is a play place style crawl-through tubes place that has a slide that goes into the swimming pool, there’s a juice bar complete with floaties. I wrote that on my map. There is also a section where there are a lot of trampolines and moon houses, like moon bouncers.

Olivia

Oh!

Cassidy

Yes.

Hallie

But like, it’s not an inflatable blow-up thing, it’s just that the floor is that material so you can go and just do some sick flips. There’s a rock climbing wall that provides access to the second floor where there is an arcade and also viewing balconies. It’s just great inside.

Emily

[Laughing.] Bert’s slowly been reaching up a hand towards the light.

Ari

Oh no.

Emily

He does not notice any of what is going on in this place.

[Music ends.]

Cassidy

That’s all Bert needs.

Hallie

You were inside, right? And is the light you’re looking at the big Raveyard light outside?

Emily

Yes. Yes. I’m standing in the window staring at the light.

Olivia

In the glow.

Cassidy

Kind of around the corner.

Emily

There’s a cold little hand pressed against the glass. There will be a handprint later.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We just, uh… We have to get that cleaned. Please don’t make the glass dirty. Hey! Did you wanna—What’s your name?

Emily

His breath fogs up the glass in front of his face a little bit.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Uh… you know, we have glasses at the juice bar. I don’t care if those get dirty because we wash them afterwards.

Emily

His other little hand goes on the glass on the other side of his head.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Okay. This wasn’t what I thought would be the Raveyard’s cheap feel, but you know what, who can say what makes people happy. Right?

[00:50:00]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Hey… Hey Bert.

Cassidy

She’s gonna give him a little tap on the shoulder and kinda motion…

Emily (as Bert)

[Yelps.] Oh, hello.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. Did you see the arcade yet? There’s a lot of flashing lights up there. I think you’d be pretty good at them.

Emily (as Bert)

Ah…

Cassidy

And she’ll kinda make a sorry gesture to Yugi. She’s really excited about the ball pit and just kinda waiting to hear if there’s any rules. He said it was free, right?

Ari

Oh, right.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Check out the arcade, maybe, Bert.

Cassidy

I don't know how bright it is up there.

Emily

Bert is actually… He hasn’t looked over at the arcade yet because there are tunnels.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Bert)

They’re not as good as vents, but those look nice.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh, the tunnels? Yeah-yeah, the tunnels are really fun. I built them myself. It gets you pumping. It’s like a fun entertainment gym. I said that already, huh? Heh…

Emily

He goes and sits with his little knees up to his chest in the tunnel and scratches on the side. He likes to make noise in the vents.

Ari

Aww.

Olivia

Just like a— [Rubs her hands together.]

Emily

Yeah, just a little weird…

Olivia

Like a dusty soft cloth against metal sound, or plastic.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I’m glad to see he’s enjoying himself. Is there anything I can show anybody else?

Olivia

I think that Yuli has found the pizza and is wrestling a huge piece off and dragging it under a table to eat it as quickly as possible.

[Laughter.]

Ari

I also B-line for the pizza.

Olivia

Ooh, could we race?

Ari

Oh my god, yes.

Hallie

Do it!

Cassidy

Contesting rolls!

Ari

What roll, Hallie?

Hallie

Um… this doesn’t feel like a real Confrontation, so I would say…

Cassidy

Fierce.

Hallie

Yeah, this would be a Fierce.

Ari

Fierce, okay.

Olivia

Oh, okay. Come on, Sally!

Ari

[Rolls.] Eight.

Olivia

[Rolls.] Five.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

Oh man.

Olivia

At one point you almost step on me and I think you’re doing it on purpose, so I shot backwards.

Ari

Oh no! Aww.

Hallie

You get a flashback to how you died in some other life, just being stepped on.

[Emotional sounds.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

It was an elephant. That was number four.

Ari

After I get the pizza, you’re just gonna see a little hand go down and be like:

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Here, kitty, you can have pizza too. I like to share. I’m not selfish.

Olivia

God, I feel so conflicted by this. Mostly so suspicious. I lean forward, I take the pizza tip in my teeth… and I pull it off the plate and I run away. I hide under a table nearby.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Aww, bonding.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I consider this good progress. Kitty and I are already such good friends.

Emily

Bert reaches out from…

Cassidy

The vent?

Emily

…his little tunnel, because you didn’t realize quite how close—

Ari

Oh no!

Olivia

I ran away. I didn’t know how close I was to you.

Emily

But he stops himself just like three inches away.

Olivia

Hovering over a cat with a piece of pizza.

Emily

He does a petting motion but a couple inches from your back.

Olivia

Okay. So afraid.

Ari

Everybody wants to pet the cat.

Cassidy

Eilidh was a little bit torn when she saw Yuli run off towards the pizza. She wanted to chase after them for a bit, but the ball pit is what she’s interested in. So, she asks Yugi:

[Lounge music begins.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

So, anything about the ball pit I need to know before I just jump on in?

Hallie (as Yugi)

The ball pit? No, not a thing.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh, yes!

Cassidy

So, she figures out where to safely tuck her envelope with the letter, because she still has those, I’m pretty sure, unless anybody was like “here, give it to me.”

Olivia

No, you might as well have it. It’s your uncle anyway.

Hallie

There is a shoe cubby.

Cassidy

She’ll keep that on her, but I also don’t know what kind of pockets she has. So, I’ll just say she has a nice—

Emily

It’s fun until we all have to swim through the ball pit looking for a single small piece of paper.

Olivia

You’re a teenager. You have a backpack.

Cassidy

Oh yeah. I probably have my sports bag or something, with my cleats and stuff.

Hallie

Oh yeah, you’ve got a backpack.

Cassidy

Yeah, so she puts it in there in a nice little zippered side pocket, and then just goes nuts.

Hallie

Oh man.

Cassidy

Running around in the balls. Diving under them. Popping back out.

Hallie

This is the best ball pit ever.

Cassidy

Yeah. Just like those videos of dogs.

Hallie (as Yugi)

So, if you had to rate the Raveyard on a scale of one to ten, what would be your ratings now that you’ve been here for five minutes?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Can I give it an 11? This ball pit is the best.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I’ll take 11! That’s great. And that’s great coming from a, um… a grim? If you don’t mind my asking.

[Music ends.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah, I’m a grim. I suppose part grim, part human I’m pretty sure. I don’t actually know who my real dad is, but mom’s grim, full grim. Not sure what the other side is.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Wow, that’s really cool.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah.

[00:55:00]

Hallie (as Yugi)

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on cryptids and stuff.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh?

Hallie

This is a normal human person, by the way.

Olivia

Oh, well that’s cool.

[Laughter. Mysterious ghostly music begins.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That’s… neat.

Cassidy

She gets a little uncomfortable, stops being so enthusiastic about the ball pit.

Hallie (as Yugi)

No, I just mean because I wanted to open it in this neighborhood. You know?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Cool. Do you know a lot of cryptids?

Hallie (as Yugi)

No, just the ones that I’ve made friends with since I moved here. Like, you know… the Duolingo Owl is teaching me Spanish.

[Chuckling.]

Cassidy

This is why you wanted to bring this up.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, he’s a good guy.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I’m actually trying to learn Gaelic myself, because I mean, my mom’s from Scotland.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Your mom’s from Scotland?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Tá fáilte romhat.

Cassidy

[Laughing, embarrassed.] That’s “you’re welcome” in Gaelic, I’m pretty sure.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Wow. I’m pretty sure that was wrong, but you gave it a really good effort. That’s what Duo says whenever I try to pronounce anything. Like, adios.

Olivia

Oh my gosh.

Ari

Very good effort.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s great.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yep, great effort.

Hallie (as

Gracias.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Bert)

My dads said that I had to stop taking lessons with the Duolingo Owl because he kept coming to my house.

Emily

Bert says, from very, very close behind Yugi.

Hallie (as Yugi)

AH!

Hallie

Yugi screams.

Olivia

You crawled through the tunnel? You came to another one that he was standing behind. You are a monster.

Cassidy

That’s kinda cool, honestly.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah, yeah, the Duolingo Owl is also my friend. He’s a very good owl. I could never learn all the languages. I already know many other languages, but not the ones that Duolingo Owl speaks.

Olivia (as Yuli)

For my part, I find polyglots suspicious.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

What are polyglots?

Olivia (as Yuli)

People like that Duolingo.

Olivia

Still holding the pizza.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Like that Duolingo fella, speaking all them different languages. Speaks multiple languages, can’t be trusted.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh, I thought polyglot was a Necromon I hadn’t heard of or something.

Olivia (as Yuli)

… No.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Okay!

Cassidy

[Giggles.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

I feel like I’ve seen you before.

Olivia (as Yuli)

What?

[Sneaky music begins.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

In like a story book or something.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Well, you might, you might have. It would be probably… Like, the index. It would probably be pretty early on, or at the end of the index, either in the As or the Ys.

Hallie (as Yugi)

In the… In the index of the As or the Ys? But you’re a cat.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Well yeah, like… now, but I’ve been bigger. I’ve been quite a lot bigger.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

He’s a cat with a special name.

Cassidy

She kinda shouts from across the room.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Really?!

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yes. It’s called an ABC, abnormally big cat.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh! You mean like, um… like the yule cat?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Uh, yes, also like that.

Olivia

Just fully lying. Not claiming that.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Similar. Very similar.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I only ask because it was like a holiday book that I was reading and I could have sworn that I saw a cat with a bandaged tail in like a Santa hat.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh, that’s good.

Hallie (as Yugi)

On the tail, not on his head.

Olivia

You could hold up the picture of the book and I just have the same weird grim expression.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

The exact same face.

Olivia

But as a 50 foot tall… Not even that, I’m sorry. Like a ten feet tall Maine Coon style cat. Just big fluff. Like that.

Olivia (as Yuli)

[Casual.] I don’t see it.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh… well, I must be wrong then.

Hallie

Throws the book in the back.

[Glass shatters.]

Some other cat meows in the background.

Olivia

I look alert.

Cassidy

Eilidh also looks alert.

Olivia

Oh god. That’s so scary.

Hallie

Are you still playing around in the ball pit?

Cassidy

Oh yeah.

Hallie

I like to imagine you jumping up sometimes to say something and then disappearing again and then popping back up when you have another comment.

Cassidy

Yeah. She’s doing a little Jaws thing where she’s just under the balls and they’re like…

Olivia

They’re just kinda being disturbed.

Olivia (as Yuli)

There’s something not right. It’s not right.

Cassidy

Every once in a while she makes sure that the bag is still there.

Olivia

Oh, very responsible.

Cassidy

She tries to be responsible.

Olivia

Seems like a very responsible teen.

Cassidy

At some point Eilidh wants to check the time, just to see how long they’ve been here so they don’t linger too long. She’s gonna be the big sister and make sure that every… we get our mission done. Is there clocks in the building? Or is this one of those weird timeless places? Ah-ha.

Hallie

It’s like a casino. Yeah, ah-ha!

Cassidy

Okay. I knew there was a trick. I think she would either have a watch or a phone, then, if she could check the time there.

Hallie

Yeah, you could just have one of those. People have phones.

Cassidy

Has it been a long time, unusually?

Hallie

You have now been there for an hour.

Cassidy

Oh jeez.

Olivia

I’ve been eating pizza for an hour.

[laughter.]

Cassidy

That’s what I was thinking.

Hallie

He’s got the distended cartoon stomach.

[01:00:00]

Olivia

I finally just got like a tight, like… (drum sound), like tight as a drum little belly.

Cassidy

Little kitty belly.

Olivia

Mm-hmm. I’m gonna go curl up under the lights.

Cassidy

Behind the arcade cabinets where all the heat gets exhausted.

Olivia

Yes. Pretty comfy. Doesn’t that sound nice? Can’t you smell that cat? Filled with pizza, covered in exhaust vents.

Hallie

Oh to be a cat full of pizza sleeping behind an arcade machine.

Olivia

Not a care in the world.

Cassidy

I think Eilidh will walk around and get a gauge on how everybody’s doing and if we should, uh…

Emily

Bert is behind her.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Agh—Hey Bert. I didn’t see you there, sense you. You were just there. Cool. It’s been about an hour. You think we should get going again?

Emily (as Bert)

Yeah. I can go in the vents at home.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

That sounds good. We should get there before the post office closes.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh…

Cassidy

That’s right, because we’re going to the post office.

Olivia

We should probably just go to the post office. I don’t think Yuli would say anything or care, but I think we should probably just follow that instruction.

Cassidy

Right. Yeah.

Emily

Well, he never actually told us to go to the post office.

Olivia

He just said he couldn’t go.

Cassidy

That’s true.

Emily

Yeah. He was saying he couldn’t go to the post office and he can’t take it there. So, I think he didn’t want us necessarily to go to the post office, but we can.

Olivia

Okay. He just wanted us to see that it’s delivered.

Ari

I’ll say, regardless of what the choice is, I’m gonna try and steal one of the basketballs from the arcade to just bounce it around.

Hallie

Are you just putting it under your shirt?

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

“I am Titi Romanov. I am expecting baby.”

[Laughter.]

Ari

If that is successful, I don't know if you’ll tell me to roll, but if it’s successful I’ll just be bouncing it outside playing with it.

Hallie

No.

Olivia

You stole a basketball?!

Ari

Yes, so that I can play sports while we go to the…

Hallie

Well, you can bounce it through the lobby to the door.

Ari

Damn it. But it can’t go outside the door?

Hallie

Well, the door is locked.

[Door slam SFX. Threatening ambient music begins.]

Ari

Oh. Are we locked in?

Hallie

Yeah.

Emily

What?!

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Hey Yugi, it was real great seeing you. The place is great. We’re gonna leave and go finish this little errand that we have to do, and… we’ll tell everybody about this place. This is super cool. But, we’ll just be on our way.

Cassidy

And she gets to the door and it just won’t open.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Wow, that’s great… but actually, that’s not what I need from you right now. Did you know that actually it’s not a very well-known fact that cryptids are also Necromon?

Olivia

Wait…

Hallie (as Yugi)

But I know that fact.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That’s… neat.

Olivia

I’m pawing at the door a little bit.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You are very knowledgeable, my friend Yugi, but I don’t understand what it has to do with our post office errand.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, and I don't care for the slow tone this has taken.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

And your Pizza Patsa party was good, but I think Boatman will have a better one, so I need to deliver this letter.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I’m just saying that I’m actually starting a traveling Necromon exhibit, so it’s a shame we can’t do this all the time… but we could.

Cassidy

Can I use one of my abilities right now?

Hallie

Yeah.

Cassidy

Declare Guilty.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Before you use your ability, in fact.

Cassidy

Yeah…

[The music changes to a villainous ghost song.]

Hallie

He will… He takes out a little remote. When he takes out the remote, the letter (grinding sound), like that’s what was messing with the letter thing. He takes out a little remote.

Cassidy

Uh-huh…

Olivia

Yugi betrays us.

Hallie

Presses it. You hear a whirring in the background, and then he takes the ball cap that I forgot to mention he was wearing, turns it backwards…

Olivia

No!

Ari

Is he Ash Ketchum now?

Hallie

…and says:

Hallie (as Yugi)

At the academy they laughed at Yugi Balls.

[Laughter.]

Ari

What is this name? I hate this name. Hallie… Why would you call it that?

Olivia

It’s fine. It’s fine. It could be any name in the world. There are so many.

Hallie (as Yugi)

They laughed at Yugi Balls, but I’m gonna show them once and for all that my Tamagotcha really works!

Olivia

Whoa!

Hallie

Then he presses a button on the thing and all the balls from the ball pit rise into the air, including the basketball that Ari tried to steal.

Several

No!

Hallie

All the balls rise into the air.

Ari

Am I still grabbing to it?

Hallie

And you know that scene in—

Cassidy

[Into her hands.] This is just the Pokémon movie.

[Music changes to ghostly credits theme.]

Hallie

In Pokémon: The First Movie, where all the balls are like “boom, boom, boom!” That’s you now. Congratulations.

Cassidy

[Long groan.]

Emily

Oh no…

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Cassidy

This is painful.

Olivia

This is so cool.

Hallie

You’re the Pokémon. I was trying to think of an Ash Ketchum knockoff name, and I was like “Yugi Balls,” and it just stuck! So I kept it.

Cassidy

It’s painful.

Ari

It’s so bad.

[01:05:00]

Olivia

Never question your first instinct.

Hallie

Because I couldn’t say it without laughing. Yugi Balls!

Olivia

Hallie Koontz is a great talent for names.

Emily

Unfortunately for the kids who go to sports games between schools, there is a Balls school district here.

Ari

Oh no…

Cassidy

Oh no.

Emily

Yeah…

Hallie

Oh, Balls…

Ari

That’s unfortunate. And it’s a middle school?

Olivia

Oh, that’s unbearable.

Emily

It’s like all of the schools.

Olivia

All grades? Oh no. Those kids are different. Those people will never be like us. We’ll always be above them. Sorry! Take this part out. I don’t want to offend all the people of Balls County. I don’t mean it. I’m saying it in jest.

Ari

[Amused.] Balls County.

Emily

Yeah. So you’ll see the school buses that say Balls on them.

Olivia

Say Balls? Yeah.

Ari

Oh no!

Cassidy

Balls Police Department.

Olivia

I shouldn’t be punching down anyway. Yugi Balls is trying to be all Pokémon on us.

Ari

Yugi Balls…

Hallie

Okay. Emily, are you recording?

Emily

I am recording.

Hallie

Olivia, are you recording?

Olivia

I am recording.

Hallie

Cassidy, are you recording?

Cassidy

I am recording.

Hallie

Ari, are you report—Reporting? Are you recording?

Ari

I am recording. I am not reporting.

Olivia

Thank god.

Emily

I mean, you are reporting that you’re recording.

Ari

I am reporting, that’s true. Yes.

Olivia

Should we do the, um… the ceremony?

Hallie

The claps?

Olivia

Yeah.

Hallie

The “we are recording” is now the new clap, but we can do it for old time’s sake just to bother Kyle.

Cassidy

Of course.

Olivia

Ready?

Hallie

Yeah. Ready?

Olivia

[Without measure.] Three, two… one!

[Several uncoordinated claps. Laughter.]

Synchronized! Specialized.

Hallie

Nobody thought to count down.

Olivia

No. I mean, I did it, but I went “three, two… one.” I did a little pause.

Emily

I feel like we all watched each other, but it’s hard to gauge on the screen when the hands are gonna meet.

Olivia

It was hard. We were just smiling at each other, enjoying each other’s faces.

Cassidy

Bit of a delay, yeah.

Hallie

When is cue?

Olivia

When is cue?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Until I’m ready.

Olivia

Then I go back to, (slurping sound), to licking my saucer of cup—my little paper cup of coffee.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Your saucer of cup.

Emily

I can’t wait for Kyle to make another GIF of you.

Olivia

Not that. That one’s very unflattering. Kyle, you can do this. You can do my little paws, but that’s it.

Emily

No Olivia, that one’s happening.

Ari

He looks for the unflattering ones, Olivia.

Hallie

It’s true.

Olivia

I can’t trust him!

Cassidy

Nope.

Hallie

Not a single one of my GIFs have ever been flattering.

Emily

I think he did one of me dropping a cup and looking distressed at one point.

Olivia

Unkind. Unkind, frankly. Ugh… Now I want to watch our outtakes again. It’s pretty fun.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

“Call me Ishmael.”

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That’s what I would tell people, but you know, I just tell people to call me Eilidh because that’s my name.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I could call you a different name than Eilidh, if you want.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Ooh! Yeah, I would like a nickname. What do you want to call me?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Uh… Hmm. I don't know. You’re hard. Hmm…

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Well, we got time, we can think about it.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I will think about it. I will think about it.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I didn’t know I was gonna be asked to provide two nicknames. I’ll have to give it a little bit more thought.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You can all think about your nicknames. I like your name, Bird. I can leave you with the name Bird.

Emily (as Bert)

I was gonna say… my favorite nickname ever is Bert.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That’s nice. That’s good. That’s good.

Cassidy

[Delighted.] Bert is so cute.

Olivia

He’s so beautiful. He smells of lavender.

Cassidy

Cinnamon roll. Must protect.

Hallie

Have you seen the teabag walk?

Ari

No.

Hallie

Hang on. Hang on.

Cassidy

Oh no.

Hallie

Hang on.

Cassidy

This is gonna be…

Ari

Is it the video of that mannequin that is going to the store {**1:08:52}?

Olivia

[Gasps.] yes! I love that!

Emily

Oh, no! That’s so scary.

Cassidy

[Hums a tune, presumably from the video.]

Hallie

I don’t think it’s the mannequin.

Ari

I love that one. I love it so much. It’s so weird.

Emily

[Groans.]

Cassidy

Late for work.

Ari

I love it so much.

Emily

So upset.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I was in the navy for a little while. I don’t want to talk about it.

Hallie

You know, the cat navy.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah, cats and water… hmm. No comment.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I was just a cat that lived on a ship.

Cassidy

I have the correct pronunciation for the word I was trying to say, too.

Olivia

Oh, please. Please, honor us.

Cassidy

Hang on… Tapadh leat is “thank you” in Gaelic.

Emily

I don’t think that’s what you said the first time.

Cassidy

It’s not.

Hallie

It’s not.

Cassidy

It’s not spelled like—Actually, here, let me just… If you can hear the Duolingo.

[A synthesized voice speaks the phrase.]

Did you hear it?

Ari

Yes.

Olivia

A little bit, and I knew it very well.

Cassidy

So yeah, she’s not very good at… things.

[Laughs.] I’m bad at learning languages. So is Eilidh.

[01:10:00]

Ari

If there’s that game in arcades where you have to shoot a ball… a basketball or one of those, Mr. Monday is gonna be playing that in the corner. Or any that involve throwing balls places, because he likes sports.

Cassidy

Yeah, sports.

Olivia

Oh, interesting. I’m gonna write that down. Note: Mr. Monday likes sports.

Ari

Oh god.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Just like Eilidh.

Cassidy

Yes.

Hallie

Could be deadly.

Olivia

Is a threat. Confirmed threat.

Cassidy

Yep.

Olivia

Kyle will hate us. He’ll be so mad.

Emily

Kyle knows what he’s getting into. The group of us are incredibly chaotic.

Ari

And we picked really chaotic characters. My character might be the most chaotic character I’ve ever had, and that’s saying something.