24. Cryptid Cryptids (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Hallie

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Halloween harpsichord music begins.]

Hallie

All four of you are vibing with the Boatman.

Hallie (as Boatman)

You see, I need this letter to get to a dear friend.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Will there be donuts when we return? Or pizza?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I want not the good pizza patsa party but the best pizza patsa party.

Hallie

The arrow on the letter, it’s malfunctioning.

Emily (as Bert)

[Gasps.]

Hallie

The lights come on in a building that’s next to you.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Oh hi. Who are you, friend?

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh, my name’s Yugi!

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Yugi Moto?

Olivia

Suspicious.

Hallie

He takes out a little remote.

Hallie (as Yugi)

At the academy, they laughed at Yugi Balls.

[Laughter.]

Ari

What is this name?! I hate this name.

Hallie (as Yugi)

But I’m gonna show them once and for all that my Tamagotcha really works!

Olivia

Whoa!

[Music changes to "Halloween Fun" by PaBlikMM.]

Olivia

Are we captured?!

Hallie

You’re going to be if one of the balls touches you.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Olivia

Oh!

Hallie

This is now an ongoing confrontation, because it’s not quite a combat. If you escape, then you know… you’ll escape, you’ll be fine.

Olivia

Okay.

[Ghostly action music begins.]

Hallie

The way a confrontation works, there’s no initiative order. Instead, your turn is more of a group action. Anybody can step up and be like “I want to do a thing.” The confrontation ends when you either escape or if you take out Yugi, because he’s got a little remote and he’s running everything. Basically, if Yugi fills his clock up to 4 first, he wins the encounter and you are captured in Poké Balls forever.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Hallie

If you guys get up to 4, then you win and you can escape and go on with your lives. Everybody starts at 0. If you succeed with a full success, the party will fill their clock by 1 point. If it’s a mixed, both parties’ clocks fill. If you fail, either the monster will fill their clock by 1 point, or I inflict an effect on the party, yada-yada. So essentially, it’s Pokémon: The First Movie. Don’t get touched by the balls. You have a whole play place slash swimming pool slash rock climbing wall to play around with.

Olivia

Fun!

Hallie

The balls are now in the air, and they are rushing towards where you four are gathered by the door.

Ari

There’s a lot of them, right, I assume?

Hallie

Yeah, because they were from the ball pit.

Olivia

[Uneasy.] Oh…

Ari

How close is Yugi to us? Is he easy to reach within two-to-three minutes?

Hallie

He’s in the center of the room and you guys are at the door. If you rush him, you could get there, but he’d have plenty of time to react.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Well…

Emily & Cassidy

Well?

Ari

Or will he?

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I don't know! Will he, Ari? What are you using? God damn it.

Ari

Well, so, Mr. Monday would be like…

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah, this is such a complication like that on those Batman movies. What will happen next? You will find out after these messages.

Ari

…and do the move Commercial Break.

Hallie

[Frustrated but delighted.] Yeah… Yeah.

Ari

I can summon a commercial break that freezes all other characters in my immediate surroundings for two-to-three minutes. I can interact with objects freely, and when time resumes physics proceeds as normal. If I use it in a confrontation, it automatically fills my clock by 1. Basically, what I want to do is move towards Yugi and try to grab the remote from his hand.

Hallie

[Defeated.] Okay.

Ari

That was a lot of words, because Kyle writes very long paragraphs to explain a move. Kyle, cut it out.

DYLAN:

[Laughs.]

Olivia

[Musically.] Kyle, cut it out.

Hallie

Kyle, cut I tout! Cut it out, Kyle.

[Music ends.]

Cassidy

That would be a good t-shirt.

Ari

It would.

Olivia

A pair of scissors.

Ari

I don't know if I’m able to reach him and grab the remote, but I at least want to be close enough to him to.

Hallie

Yes. You can pause time and get to the remote.

Ari

Yes!

Cassidy

Let’s go.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah, always happens after the commercial break. The situation is solved and they don’t show how it’s solved to the audience. It always leaves me very unsatisfied when watching a show.

[Laughter.]

Ari

He says, as he’s grabbing the remote when time resumes.

[Time whir SFX. Fun guitar music begins.]

Hallie

So you have the remote, but the balls are still doing their thing, doing their threat thing. Now it’s Yugi’s turn. Yugi just gives up immediately, like ‘aw man, you took my remote.’

Ari

Oh man.

Cassidy

Starts crying.

Olivia

Give up, coward.

Hallie

Yugi comes out of the spell surprised.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Huh?!

Hallie

Then he looks and sees you with the remote. Actually, he’s just gonna tackle you. That’s just how this is gonna go.

Ari

Oh god.

Olivia

No.

Hallie

I know there aren’t, like, defense rolls. The last game we played was The Strange which is why I’m, like…

Ari

Yeah, I don't think we roll to avoid things? I don't know.

Hallie

I think in this one the GM does roll. Right?

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Well, that’s how it is now, Kyle.

Olivia

Try to cut THAT out.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Try to cut that out!

Ari

We’re playing your game wrong.

[00:05:00]

Hallie

We’re playing your game wrong!

Cassidy

You can’t do anything about it.

Hallie

And Yugi Balls rolled an 11.

Ari

No!

Olivia

Whoa!

Hallie

[Laughs.] I can only roll well when I’m the GM.

Ari

Oh no!

Olivia

Oh… you murderer.

Hallie

So, Yugi tackles you. You both happen to fall directly into the swimming pool.

Ari

Oh, there’s a swimming pool?

Hallie

There’s a swimming pool, yeah, and now you’re in it.

Cassidy

With normal water.

Hallie

I just decided this. It’s normal chlorinated water.

Ari

Would the remote, like, (bursting sounds) die if it falls in the water?

Emily

No~

Hallie

It’s going (bursting sound). Yeah, unless you’re keeping it out of the water, it will short the water.

Olivia

Maybe that will destroy them.

Ari

Yeah, I will not put it up.

Cassidy

Dunk it.

Ari

I want the control to be destroyed.

Emily

Yeah, let’s break the off switch.

Ari

No!

Hallie

Take a hard move.

Ari

Oh god.

Olivia

Ooh, ooh…

Hallie

The balls are now faster and way stronger than before because you shorted it out in the water.

Olivia

They’re all uncontrollable.

Hallie

You are not harmed by the electric shock. I mean, maybe on your hand.

Olivia

You have rubber soles on your shoes, so you’re alright.

Hallie

But you do get an AP.

Ari

I do, I do.

Hallie

And you can give an AP to somebody else with a hard move. I don’t actually know if that’s how it works, but that’s how it does now, Kyle.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Ari

I want to give an AP to Cassidy because I think she might have a good plan.

Olivia

Yes.

Cassidy

I… Okay.

[Chuckling.]

Emily

What was your plan, Cassidy?

Cassidy

[Stammers.]

Ari

I just thought that Cassidy might have a good plan. I didn’t know exactly.

Olivia

She’s an athletic teen. She’s got moxie. She’s got gumption.

Cassidy

Yeah, I got Fierce. I have Declare Guilty which lets me roll +1 ongoing if my action directly opposes the character.

Hallie

Oh, yes-yes. You were going to do that but then you made the joke, like “oh, this is why he’s named Yugi,” and then I had to add Yugi Balls to make him both Yugi Moto and Ash Ketchum.

Ari

You could have called him Yugi Mustard, or Yugi—

Cassidy

Yugi Mayonnaise.

Hallie

[Laughs.] No! Yugi Balls was so much…

Cassidy

Worse?

Hallie

It’s the worst. I was just like, what’s a Pokémon word?

Several

Balls!

Cassidy

So I don't know if that happened before the confrontation…

Hallie

Yes. I will give that to you because I took it away in order to declare my thing.

Cassidy

Okay, so I have +1 on my rolls against anything that opposes this character.

Emily

Nice.

[Sporty rock music begins.]

Cassidy

And I guess we never figured this part out. Her actual grimness?

Hallie

Yeah.

Cassidy

Because she’s definitely in her grimness form right now, if that means anything.

Hallie

That’s perfect. It does. I’m happy to hear that.

Cassidy

Basically she gets a little furry all over. Kind of werewolf, kind of not. She definitely gets little ears.

Ari

Oh, little ears!

Cassidy

Yeah! Big old tail. Kinda like big ghost claws. She doesn’t actually grow real claws, but they’re like spirit paws around her hands.

Ari

Ooh.

Cassidy

I don’t really have a plan. [Laughs.]

Ari

I want to somehow launch him out of the water so that she can do things to him.

Hallie

Hydro Pump him out.

Olivia

You can pass him into Eilidh’s arms. You know what I mean?

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

Yes.

Olivia

Sports style.

Ari

Like a football.

Olivia

Or a basketball! You just do a chest pass, like basketball.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

Like in basketball! Can I spend like 1 or 2 AP to do that?

Hallie

I’ll be nice, because I was just very mean a second ago. Yes, you can use 1 AP for your basketball.

Ari

Okay! I shall do that.

Cassidy

Okay, so little Yugi’s flying out of the pool at me?

Ari

Yes.

Olivia

It’s like when you throw kids around in a pool.

Cassidy

Yeah. I would like if Eilidh could grab him, swing him to the floor, pin him down with her ghost paws and growl in his face.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

[Monstrous and echoed.] Turn them off, now.

Cassidy

I can’t growl… Grr? Arr!

[Giggling. Music ends.]

Hallie

Roll me Fierce. Take a Swing.

Cassidy

Yes.

[Rolls.] I rolled two threes and I have +2 to Fierce.

Olivia

Ooh!

Hallie

So that is an 8.

Cassidy

Eight, yeah.

Hallie

Okay. An 8 is a mixed success. Let me see what it suggests for that one.

Cassidy

I can’t growl very well, so she’s not intimidating.

Hallie

Actually, you would have rolled a 9…

Cassidy

Yeah, a 9.

Hallie

…but 9 is still a mixed success.

Olivia

Oh yeah, a 9 is still a mixed success.

Cassidy

Still.

Olivia

It still was better.

Hallie

Yup.

Cassidy

I’m even meaner.

Hallie

Okay, so you do hit your target.

Cassidy

Yes.

Hallie

You choose one benefit and one drawback.

Cassidy

I like a temporary daze.

Hallie

Temporarily dazed.

Cassidy

That seems good to me. Give us a little bit more time to organize.

Olivia

Who’s ready to bust the door down?

Hallie

Okay, temporary daze. Drawback?

Cassidy

I will take the -1.

Hallie

Okay. It would only apply to you, it wouldn’t apply to the next person who…

Cassidy

Gotcha.

Hallie

It is the next action that you specifically take.

Cassidy

That I take. Yeah, -1 is fine.

Emily

You don’t want to accidentally punch a cat?

Cassidy

No.

[Someone meows.]

I don’t want to know what Hallie would do.

[Cartoonish chase music begins.]

Hallie

So Yugi Balls, he’s got the swirly cartoon eyes. He’s on the ground.

Cassidy

The birds over his head.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Eilidh just absolutely trounced Ash Ketchum over here.

Cassidy

I can’t do a good growl though. I’m not very scary.

Hallie

One of the drawbacks. That’s why, even though he’s dazed, he’s not afraid of you.

[00:10:00]

Cassidy

Aww.

Hallie

Because your growl was just so bad.

Ari

Oh no.

Cassidy

[Starting fierce but ending sweet.] Turn them off now!

Hallie

So, he might be dazed, but the balls are still whizzing around way faster and more difficult than they were before. I am just gonna keep giving people AP with soft moves. A ball is coming for…

Cassidy

Roll! Roll! Roll!

Hallie

Hang on, let me get a d4.

Emily

I mean, I guess probably technically you don’t have to give us AP.

Hallie

I mean, yeah, but then it’s too much like a regular combat where it’s like “oh, you’re being attacked,” and that feels hack. I did not think about these rules before I just did this adventure.

Cassidy

I mean, it’s what the ball wants to do, right?

Hallie

That’s true. It is what the ball wants to do.

Cassidy

It’s a character.

Olivia

That’s what Yugi’s nickname is.

Hallie

It’s just The Ball.

Ari

The Ball!

Cassidy

The Ball.

Olivia

Yugi The Ball.

Cassidy

Yugi The Ball!

Ari

Yugi The Ball.

Cassidy

His last name is not actually Ball. It is Mustard.

[Laughs.] Yugi ‘The Ball’ Mustard.

Ari

The mustard ball.

Hallie

Mustard balls!

Olivia

Mmm, lip-smackin’.

Ari

No~! Why?

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Alright, balls are coming for…

[Rolls.] Bert. So Emily, take another AP that you can use.

Emily

No!

Cassidy

No~

Hallie

But for now, you also have to roll Fierce to get away from the ball.

[Music ends.]

Olivia

Oh.

Cassidy

Rude.

Hallie

Because there’s no point in having them be a danger unless I actually make them a danger.

Emily

I would like to roll with Weird.

Hallie

Okay, and your Weird is +3.

Emily

[Rolls.] Phew. Okay, okay, okay. We’re fine.

Cassidy

Okay.

Emily

That was 9.

Hallie

A 9.

Emily

And then +3.

Hallie

Okay.

Emily

But, even a full success is demoted to a mixed success?

Hallie

Yeah, I was wondering. Unless you are directly interacting with something from “the other.” Kind of but not really. It’s technology but it’s not a super, like… it’s just balls. It’s just air balls flying through the air at your face.

Olivia

Nefarious.

Hallie

So you’re not in the ball. You have not been captured because you rolled a mixed success.

Olivia

Oh cool.

Cassidy

I appreciate that.

Olivia

It’s better than having a mixed success and it’s like you are captured but the inside of the Poké Ball is cool.

Hallie

[Laughs.] It looks like the Boatman’s bachelor pad but better.

Olivia

Oh man. There’s like a conversation pit, like there’s a sunken floor.

Hallie

Like in the 70s? I imagine the Boatman having that. Yes.

Olivia

Yeah, very cool.

Hallie

So for this was Take Action… You react slightly later than you’d like, which means you’re not captured but let’s say Bert went to slap it away. Now it’s stuck on your fur. It’s stuck on your little moth fur.

Olivia

[Gasps.] Oh!

Emily

Oh no~

Hallie

Like when you get a clip stuck in your hair. Very annoying.

Emily

He immediately waves it around in a panic and gets it stuck to his shoulder.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Ah!

Cassidy

No Bueno.

[Frantic classical music begins.]

Hallie

Alright. That was a villain turn, but that wasn’t enough to move up the clock, so it is still 1 to 1.

Olivia

I think I am going to see… like, I’m looking all around, frightened, surrounded by threats, just like I do. And this is actually when I feel the most calm.

[Laughter.]

“Ah, I knew it. I knew it. It’s fine.” I’m going to bound over to Bert and try to paw the ball off his shoulder, just like in a very cat-like focused way. If this is a film and I’m a real cat, they don’t do anything to adjust my expression or anything like that. I’m just batting it away.

Hallie

Just batting at it.

Olivia

Mm-hmm.

Hallie

Give me a Take a Swing to bat the ball off.

Olivia

Okay. Is it a Fierce or Slick or…?

Hallie

Fierce.

Olivia

Fierce, okay. Can I use an Adventure Point to just succeed on it?

Hallie

I think so.

Olivia

Okay, then that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna bat it away, and the ball hits into another ball, and they both make a billiard ball noise.

Cassidy

Yes.

Hallie

Yes, you can do that. So, it knocks a bunch of other balls away, and actually we’ll say those balls are now out of commission.

Olivia

Oh yeah. I hiss in victory.

[Music ends.]

Emily

Bert gaps in delight because he knows now that he is friends with this cat.

Several

Aww~

Hallie

I’m gonna move your clock up.

Cassidy

Everybody liked that.

Hallie

Alright. Yugi, temporarily dazed, so he’ll be dazed for this turn. He is still on the ground. Cassidy…

Cassidy

I don’t want to get touched by his balls.

Hallie

Take a soft move. This also gives you 1 AP.

Cassidy

Hey~ Cool.

[Tense chase music begins.]

Hallie

When the balls were knocked away by Yuli, they also hit your backpack which is now teetering dangerously on the edge of the pool.

Cassidy

[Small yelp.]

Olivia

[Long gasp.]

Cassidy

The ball pit or the pool?

Hallie

The “pool” pool. The water pool. It’s gonna get soggy and unreadable.

Ari

Oh, the water? Oh!

Hallie

The water pool.

Ari

Oh no!

Cassidy

Not the letter!

Olivia

It’s not a magical letter prevented from water.

Ari

Hmm… The thing is, I fell into the pool, so probably—

Hallie

You are still in the pool. Yes.

Olivia

You could pick it up by just the strap and fling it away.

Ari

Yeah, I want to do that. I want to, like… [Struggling sounds.]

Hallie

Okay.

Cassidy

Can I also Take One for the Team to increase the roll of an NPC or fellow PC to a 10?

Olivia

Ooh~!

Hallie

You absolutely can!

Ari

To a 10!

Hallie

Look at that!

[00:15:00]

Olivia

What a team player you are, Eilidh.

Cassidy

[Giggles.] And then Hallie gets to hold a hard move over my character specifically.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Ari

I want to push it in the general direction of whoever is closest as I slowly get out of the pool.

Hallie

That’s gonna be Cassidy.

Cassidy

Yeah, probably me.

Ari

Okay.

Cassidy

I guess Eilidh will roll away from Yugi to try to snag the bag, or get closer to it. It puts her in more danger for; take one for her team.

Hallie

Yeah. You can do that. You can grab the bag. In fact, it is the players’ turn again because that happened on Yugi’s turn. He was just on the ground.

Cassidy

Oh, it did! Cool.

[Music ends.]

I will not do anything because I’m scared of what Hallie could do to me.

Hallie

I can do it to you whether you would do anything or don’t do anything.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] I know.

Olivia

[Uneasy groan.] You can hit him with that void.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

Your boy, the void.

Emily

Alright. I’m gonna use my ability, The Void Stares Back.

Olivia

I close my eyes really quickly. I see your power building up and I know what’s gonna happen and I close my eyes.

Hallie

From experience, you’re just like no, no, I’m not living through this again.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I don’t want her to see. I don’t want her to know.

Cassidy

“She cannot know.”

Olivia

“She cannot know! My deepest secret.”

Hallie

Alright. Let me think about which stat you could get from Yugi.

Cassidy

I bet he has really bad stats.

Hallie

One of these is way better for you than the other one.

Olivia

Do the one that’s better for her.

Hallie

Okay, I’ll give it to you. Yugi’s slick.

Emily

Yes! That is so much better.

Hallie

Yeah. You learn one of your target’s weaknesses. Gain +1 ongoing when exploiting that weakness. So, if you do something that specifically bothers Yugi Balls.

Olivia

Sick.

Cassidy

[Giggling.] I thought you said bothers Yugi’s balls.

Olivia

No. None of us have ever said that.

Cassidy

I don’t—

Hallie

I should not have gone with the name Yugi Balls, but it’s so funny.

Cassidy

I can’t…

Hallie

Not even for the balls joke. It’s just, like…

Cassidy

Yeah.

Olivia

It’s just a bad name.

Emily

I’ve really been enjoying all the random phrases that I’ve gotten out of this. Whizzing balls, that was a good one.

Cassidy

This is a good quotable episode, yeah.

Olivia

They’re gonna be saying this forever.

Emily

You’re touched by the balls.

Ari

Touched by the balls. Avoid the falling balls.

Olivia

[Musically.] Blinded by the balls~

Cassidy

And the weakness is something only Bert knows?

Olivia

[Musically.] Something only Bert knows~

Ari

Heh.

Hallie

Your target’s weakness is his massive insecurity over his Tamagotcha invention which is the flying balls with the accompanying remote.

Olivia

He should feel bad. He’s forcing us… He’s capturing us. He’s kidnapping us.

Hallie

You don’t understand. They laughed him out of the academy!

Olivia

A lot of people that deserve to be laughed at are laughed at.

Hallie

They said “we already have Necrocards. Why do we need Necroballs?”

Olivia

They probably understood.

Hallie

And he said, “because, they’re cooler.”

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s inherently evil to capture another being and keep them as your monster pet in a little ball. I don’t like the cut of your jib, Mister Yugi Balls. I’ll say that now.

Emily

Is he still on the ground or is he standing up again?

Hallie

He’s in the process of getting up.

[Fast halloween chase music begins.]

Olivia

I am just going to choose an opportune moment to run between Yugi’s legs as he’s trying to stand up to give someone essentially advantage on attacking him, because I’m not very fierce but I can be slick.

Hallie

Right.

Ari

I also have a move that can help.

Hallie

Christ.

Ari

I am just gonna use all of my game-breaking moves now.

Hallie

Yeah, fine.

Ari

The thing is, I can’t come up with anything funny other than the name, so I guess I’m just gonna say the name.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ha-ha. You thought they were making fun of you because of the invention, but really they were making fun of you because your name is Yugi Balls.

[laughter.]

Ari

And then I want to spend an AP to do Laugh Track. When I make a joke, I can summon ethereal laughter which temporarily disorients target of my choice within earshot.

Cassidy

That’s gonna destroy him.

Olivia

That’s so scary and sad.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh no! It’s just like my nightmares!

Emily

Aww!

Olivia

Oh dude.

Cassidy

That targets his insecurities.

Hallie

[Laughs.] That does. That does target his insecurities.

Olivia

Specifically that he is not liked.

Cassidy

[Emotional.] Oh…

Olivia

So, it feels like we were both giving advantage here. Can Emily finish it up with some kind of attack?

[Music ends.]

Emily

I was just gonna talk to him.

Hallie

How I’m gonna do this is that Ari’s laughter move is gonna make Yuli’s running between the legs easier, so you’re gonna get a +1, and then… Actually, maybe the talking from Emily will also make it easier. Then you’ll get a +2.

Olivia

To Slick?

Hallie

Yeah.

Olivia

Great.

Hallie

So that’s a +3 total. While you’re rolling, Bert, say your thing. I’m gonna color it with Yuli’s running.

Emily

Bert leans in, not close enough to also trip… Well, maybe.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Olivia

I dive underneath your legs but I don’t trip you.

Hallie

Bert’s physics don’t matter, because they’re weird and uncanny.

Olivia

He’s slightly hovering off the ground, actually.

Hallie

He’s just, like, flapping.

[00:20:00]

Emily

Except not because I decided at one point during character creation that Bert has wings but he can’t fly.

Hallie

Oh god.

Cassidy

[Giggles.]

Olivia

Oh. I was gonna say that the original tales of the moth man are that he has wings but he didn’t flap them to fly. He would just float.

Cassidy

He would just T-pose.

Ari

Oh my god.

Olivia

So maybe one day you can do that.

Cassidy

Levitation.

Olivia

Yeah, basically. You were doing what? I’m sorry.

Emily

Leaning in uncomfortably, eyes brightening again.

[Sad dramatic music begins.]

Emily (as Bert)

You know, I… I think—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Emily

Okay, I need to find a way to phrase this that isn’t me saying your balls are really cool.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Your balls are mine.

Emily

No! I can’t say the phrase “your balls are really cool.”

Olivia

You can. You can.

Cassidy

Your invention? Your idea? Your…

[Music returns.]

Emily (as Bert)

I think your invention is really, really neat. Um…

[Music ends abruptly.]

Emily

[Chuckles.] “You have neat balls.”

Ari

You have neat balls.

[laughter.]

Olivia

That’s pretty neat.

Emily

Okay, I’m sorry. I need to stop.

Hallie

I don’t regret naming him Yugi Balls.

Olivia

We’re all loving it.

Hallie

Good.

[Music returns.]

Emily (as Bert)

You invention is really neat.

Ari

And so is your balls. … Sorry.

Emily (as Bert)

I don’t think you need to capture us for people to like your invention, because we like your invention. We could just tell people about your place instead.

Hallie (as Yugi)

You mean advertise my Tamagotchas? That’s what the balls are called, Tamagotchas.

Emily (as Bert)

Well, that’s a cool name. I like that name.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Right? Thank you. I thought it was way better than Necrocard.

Emily (as Bert)

You could just, like, make a flyer and put it up in the local hotspots for Necromon training and stuff like that. And you could put… you could put a picture of your cool place. And then people would come. But then you would just let them buy the Tamagotchas…

[Quietly.] not put them in.

Hallie (as Yugi)

But I have to prove that they work! The academy wouldn’t even give me a grant.

Emily (as Bert)

Well but, but… don’t you have surveillance cameras?

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

You know… that’s a good point.

Hallie

And at this point—

Olivia

I think as he starts to respond, I rolled a 12, and I go “MEOW!”

[Music changes to frantic silly music.]

Hallie

You rolled a 12?!

Olivia

I got a 12 altogether. I jet between his feet. I bat briefly at his shoes and run.

[Several people make cat sounds.]

 Hallie

He goes “AH” and just claps straight back to where he was temporarily dazed a moment ago.

Olivia

Oh, back down he goes.

Hallie

Back down he goes, and your clock gets +1.

Olivia

Ooh, hurray!

Cassidy

Nice.

Hallie

So you are 1 away. You are 1 away from succeeding.

Olivia

We’re 1 away. We’re 1 away! Okay, okay.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

You have 3…

Emily

Where is he at?

Hallie

One. You are kind of trouncing on Yugi Balls, which is frankly what I expected after I saw all your character sheets, but it was too late.

Olivia

We’re survivors.

Cassidy

We’re fighters.

Hallie

But now it’s his turn. Still laying on the ground, he takes off his hat… revealing a second remote.

[Evil electronic music begins.]

Several

No!

Ari

Hallie, why?

Olivia

Laying on the ground, removing his hat.

[laughter.]

Hallie

He takes off his backwards baseball cap and hits the super turbo button, and now the balls are just—there are less of them because you’ve taken a bunch out of circulation, but they are continuing to be threats.

Olivia

No… I don’t like it.

Hallie

As part of that turn…

[Rolls.] Olivia, please roll me a Fierce, Take Action.

Olivia

Very well. Come on.

[Rolls.] Uh… 7.

Hallie

That’s a mixed success. So, just like Bert, you are not caught in the ball. It is however caught on the tip of your bandage tail, which feels a lot more painful.

Ari

Oh no.

Olivia

Oh… I spin in a circle.

Cassidy

Oh no!

[Music ends.]

Olivia

No… he got me.

Olivia (as Yuli)

He got me!

Olivia

I’m trying to hit it away, but every time I jump for it, it pulls out of my reach.

Hallie

Like a dog chasing his tail.

Olivia

Yeah, exactly.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I cannot get it off… This is it. This is it for me.

Hallie

And, that makes it your guys’ turn. He now has a second remote and he is getting to his feet during this turn.

Ari

No… Hallie.

Olivia

We gotta really smack him. Can anybody really smack him?

Cassidy

I got +2 Fierce.

Olivia

You should just attack him.

Ari

You should do it. I think you are the fiercest one of all.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Olivia

Hit him with your backpack!

[Tense action music begins.]

Cassidy

Eilidh sees the second remote…

Emily

Kick him in the balls!

Cassidy

…and she’s gonna—Kick the balls. [Laughs.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

Destroy the balls!

Cassidy

She’s swinging her backpack around to get all the other balls flying around out of her way so she can focus in and just, again, try to tackle the remote out of him. Take Action.

Hallie

Take Action! This is a flat roll.

Cassidy

Right. I would have +1, but I have -1. But I have +2 to Fierce.

Hallie

But you have those 2, yeah.

Cassidy

So, as long as I don’t roll too poorly…

Olivia

You got this.

Cassidy

[Rolls. Laughs.] I got snake eyes.

Olivia

Agh!

Ari

No!

[00:25:00]

Olivia

Snake eyes!

Emily

Nooo!

Hallie

Snake eyes!

Olivia

No, not the teen! Not the teen.

Hallie

Kneecaps! We’ve had two kneecaps. I call them kneecaps because I was trying to think of a whimsical way to refer to double ones.

Olivia

That’s fun.

Hallie

We’ve got two. We’ve got two instances of kneecaps this game! Alright.

Olivia

The kneecaps.

Cassidy

She’s swinging her bag around.

Hallie

You’re swinging your bag.

Cassidy

Running at Yugi.

Hallie

Running at Yugi.

Ari

God.

Cassidy

Gonna reach out to take that remote, maybe, push him around a bit, but…

[Music ends. Sad trumpet sounds.]

Hallie

Yugi completely sidesteps you.

Cassidy

Oh…

Hallie

And instead, you run directly into the rock climbing wall.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Oh jeez.

Hallie

Which hurts. It’s got all its little bumpy parts.

Olivia

Yeah, you like bust your nose.

Cassidy

Aww.

Hallie

Scattering the contents of your backpack across the floor, including the letter.

Olivia

Ah!

Ari

No!

Cassidy

I tried, guys.

Olivia

You did great. It’s okay.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You did a very good job.

Cassidy

Thanks.

Olivia

You’ll have your day in the sun. Yuli is not saying this. Yuli doesn’t believe it.

[Laughter.]

Ari

I did say it in character.

Cassidy

Eilidh’s clutching her face.

Hallie

Oh no~

Emily

Aww~

Cassidy

Maybe a little bit of blood coming out.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Ow!

Hallie

Alright… take a second hard move. This one you do get AP for. The first one you did not because you rolled a critical failure, but this one you do.

Cassidy

Okay.

Hallie

This is the second—Or no, you don’t, just kidding. This is one that I held from before.

Cassidy

I was gonna say, you have one, so you could just do it.

Hallie

Yep. This is the hard move that I am…

Cassidy

From Take One for the Team.

Hallie

Yes. Unfortunately, this one will probably end up affecting the whole team, because you hit the rock climbing wall just hard enough that it’s just going (long creek).

[Tense action music begins.]

Cassidy

Oh no.

Olivia

Oh my god!

Hallie

It’s just gonna cave in everything.

Olivia

Yugi Balls! This is criminal!

Cassidy

That’s an OSHA violation.

Emily

Did he get this place inspected?!

Olivia

It’s up to no code at all. It’s just placed against the wall, like a bookshelf.

Hallie

It’s just super-glued. He just super-glued it against the wall.

Cassidy

A couple of screws, you know.

Olivia

Now you are a true villain. It’s unsafe. What you’re offering is unsafe.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Hallie

My friends listening to Quest Friends! Hereafter, I start off this announcement break with a somber note.

[Over-dramatic piano music begins.]

It would appear that I broke many Under the neighborhood rules, set by Kyle, and the way that I play them is not quote-unquote “correct.” Uh, Kyle didn’t give me an itemized list, which is to say he did but I forgot all of it and I don’t feel like searching back through all the conversations we’ve had about it, so he’s gonna have to do it again if he wants a play-by-play. But, in essence, I took a lot of creative liberties, mostly by accident, and he told me I had to apologize.

[Drags and fades out.] So Kyle, I’m sorry…

[Game show music begins suddenly, changing the mood.]

Firebreathing Kittens is an actual play one-shot podcast that plays various tabletop roleplaying games with a season-long plot. Because there is a beginning and an end to each week’s story, feel free to jump in at any point. Hop into any tale that sounds fun.

The cast rotates and every week has a different combination of four from the same group of people.

Join us as we solve detective mysteries, attempt comedic banter, and enjoy friendship. The link is in the description, or you can search Firebreathing Kittens on the podcatcher you’re using to listen to this episode.

Another thing you can search is our Patreon page, or you could just go to Patreon.com/QuestFriends. At the $10 tier we have a lot of things from Cryptid Cryptids like Mr. Monday’s playbook and descriptor and Eilidh’s descriptor, additional playbooks like the magical Girl, and even some extra rules and adventures as well as a complimentary copy of the core rulebook.

There is also the $5 tier which will get you Discord access, chat logs and video outtakes, and all of the new patrons are going for—Oh wait, that’s… Kyle, cut that. Cut it, Kyle.

[Music ends.]

If you do want to back the Patreon, now is the time to do it, because that will get you our whole backlog of content with a single donation. That is because the show will be going on hiatus for a few months.

Kyle has discussed this in more detail on the Patreon, and he’ll release an announcement episode about it next week, but in short, grad school and the job hunt and releasing episodes is a lot on his plate. Episodes have been late lately for a reason. So, he’s going to pause releasing main episodes and charging monthly patrons until he gets a new job and everything levels out.

[00:30:00]

We aren’t going away completely. We are just cooling off on the time-consuming content so Kyle can make sure he gets it right. The next episode will be the recap episode, and that will release probably within the next three to six months.

[Silly violin music carries out of the announcements.]

Cassidy

Did I just get crushed by the rock wall?

Olivia

[Gasps.]

Hallie

Oh, no-no-no, you’ll have time.

Cassidy

Oh.

Hallie

It’s just starting to peel away.

Olivia

It’s teetering! And it’s gonna hit all your stuff!

Hallie

Yeah. It’s not crushing you, but it is probably going to by next turn.

Ari

Oh no!

Cassidy

Because it’s…

Hallie

Yeah, because it’s slowly peeling away.

Emily

So what I’m hearing is that you’re currently trying to fill Yugi’s clock slightly more efficiently by forcing us to not do anything except escape.

Olivia

Except die. We can do this! We can still do this. He’s almost done. We just have to think of another smart thing.

Ari

Okay, I have a question. There are some balls that have fallen to the floor but are no longer active. Right? They just fell and didn’t capture.

Hallie

Yeah.

[Ragtime music begins.]

Ari

Okay. I want to use Elaborate Trap.

Hallie

Christ.

Ari

Using any available items on hand, immediately craft an elaborate trap of your choice. It’s prone to backfire. I have to roll Touch the Other Side when it’s sprung.

Olivia

Oh no.

Ari

But the trap, it’s not really that much of a trap, it’s just putting a bunch of the balls in front of Yugi and then make him chase after me, and then make him like “whoa,” like that.

Hallie

Do you want him to trip on the balls?

Ari

Yes. Like Home Alone. I don't know if that happened in Home Alone.

Hallie

Yeah, you can do that. He’s gonna be running away from the falling wall, so that is indeed in the path that he must escape by.

[Music ends.]

Ari

[Rolls.] Ooh, that’s a 4. It’s not snake eyes, but it’s not good.

Hallie

It’s not snake eyes, but it’s not…

Ari

Yeah, it’s less than a 6, so it’s not great.

Hallie

So that is what we call a failure.

Ari

Yes, so it will backfire on me.

Hallie

Yes. I think maybe you just trip.

Ari

I just trip?

Hallie

You just trip on the balls yourself. You got so excited, and you went so fast.

Ari

I also tried to run away from the thing, so I trip before he does.

Hallie

Immediately Shaggy-Scooby’d yourself over the balls.

Ari

Because I’m highlighting all of my moves, I guess it’s the appropriate time to say that, because I get hit, the little basketballs are going to show around his head because… if you take substantial injury, objects appear around your head.

Olivia

Why do you like basketballs so much, Monday? Why do you like basketballs?!

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I like every sport. It’s the sport of the, of the… generation.

Olivia

I don't know…

Ari

He would say, if he wasn’t dazed and didn’t have basketballs around his head for everybody to see. But, that is my attempt. We might get captured, gang. This might be the end, the beginning and the end of the Cryptid Cryptids.

Olivia

Aww. Is there something…? That’s our turn, right?

Hallie

Yes, that was your turn. Yugi’s turn. The thing is, now that there’s been structural damage to the building that he’s in…

Olivia

Inevitable.

[Whimsical chase music begins.]

Hallie

He didn’t do a very good job building this place. So actually, Yugi Balls is not gonna do anything to fill up his own clock because of the impending doom caused by the teetering rock wall.

Ari

Okay.

Hallie

What he’s gonna do, actually, is pick up some of the balls that Cut it out Kyle just put down in an attempt, not to catch anyone, but to kind of push the rock climbing wall towards the direction of the soft bouncy mats.

Olivia

Oh.

Hallie

It’s gonna land over there, and that’s gonna be less disastrous than everything else. Let’s see what he gets.

[Rolls.] He got a 10.

Olivia

[Gasps.]

Hallie

Yugi Balls is good at rolling, nothing else.

[Music ends.]

So yeah, the rock climbing wall is no longer falling flat onto you. It has fallen diagonally onto the bouncy house area where it bounces up a little bit—

[Laughs.] There’s just a rock climbing wall now bouncing rhythmically over in the bouncy place. That’s just a thing that’s happening now. It’s harmless, unless you go interact with it, but it’s just there now.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Don’t go over there. Nobody go over there, don’t, even though it looks fun.

Hallie

That was technically his turn, so now it is your turn if you guys want to do anything further.

Olivia

Okay. I have a plan.

[Twinkle Twinkle Little Star begins.]

I have an ability called Puppy-Dog Eyes which is an automatic success to Convince Someone once per session.

Cassidy

Oh~

Hallie

Okay.

Olivia

So, I have the ball on the tip of my tail. I’m not gonna give him the big eyes. I’m actually just gonna look so sad and hurt that my tail is hurt…

Hallie

Aww.

[00:35:00]

Ari

Oh no!

Olivia

…and my tail is twitching, and I’m trying to paw at it but I don’t know how to get it off.

Emily

[Laugh-sobs.]

Olivia

And it hurts! I’m scared, and hurt.

Cassidy

Aww. You’re making me sad.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Hey, is that thing hurting you?

Olivia

My whiskers droop and then I nod bravely.

Hallie

He presses a button on his remote and it releases from the tail.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Well, I never wanted to hurt Necromon, slash cryptids.

Olivia (as Yuli)

You should reconsider your design, maybe.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Then I jet away under a table.

Hallie (as Yugi)

But my design is so good! It works so well.

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s not. Listen. You said you didn’t want to hurt me and you did. You did it.

Emily (as Bert)

But we don’t want to be inside balls.

Olivia (as Yuli)

We want to be free.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I was gonna let you out… maybe.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

We like being out all the time, to have all the adventures and meet all of the friends.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah. We have so much to learn.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Did you test this thing on anybody yet?

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh, no, you’re my testers.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Olivia

Jesus Christ.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I needed—

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

Absolutely unconscionable.

[Friendly silly music begins.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

If you had asked us, we might have said yes.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Really?

Olivia (as Yuli)

I wouldn’t have under any circumstances.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I would be happy to help out. I mean, I love fighting, I love running around and doing stuff, but this is a little bit excessive. I don’t think anybody else wants anything to do with this. It’s a little rude.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Have you thought about testing it on yourself and see if it works? You know, if that’s a possibility that you have considered.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Well you know, I’m not…

Hallie

He taps one against him.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I’m not a Necromon. You know? I’m just a person!

Hallie

And then he throws the ball at the ground and it hits one of the many small things that were in Eilidh’s backpack.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Hallie

Nothing important. It’s not the letter.

Olivia

It’s like a DARE keychain.

Hallie

Like a DARE keychain.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] From the Boatman.

[Poké Ball enveloping sound.]

Hallie

The DARE keychain goes inside the Tamagotcha.

Cassidy

The keychain goes inside of it?!

Hallie

Yeah, it catches it.

Cassidy

Was that a cryptid?

Emily (as Bert)

Is your keychain a Necromon?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Uh…

Hallie (as Yugi)

Like seriously, is your keychain a Necromon? Because I—

Olivia (as Yuli)

Is your keychain a Necromon?

Emily (as Bert)

What if it didn’t want to live in your backpack?

Olivia (as Yuli)

You drag it around?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I didn’t—Uh… Um, Uncle Boatman gave it to me, so I don’t really know. Eh?

Ari

I want to take a ball and throw it at a random object, like the basketball.

Cassidy

Like a piece of pizza.

Ari

The pizza patsa! No, not that! Not that.

Olivia

I reach desperately for it right before it’s consumed by a ball.

[Laughter.]

Ari

No! Don’t throw it at the—Oh, that looks so good. I would throw it at the patsa.

[Poké Ball successful capture sound.]

Hallie

It works, on everything.

Ari

Oh.

Hallie

It works on everything that you throw them at. It’s just catching items.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Uh, Yugi…

[Music ends.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

You can practice it on yourself, then, Yugi?

Hallie

He hits himself again.

Hallie (as Yugi)

No. Maybe it has to be…

Hallie

And he’s gonna throw one at the bouncing rock climbing wall, and it’s gonna just suck it all up inside.

[Poké Ball enveloping sound.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

See Yugi, what you’ve got here does not have to be an evil nefarious plan where you take living beings and you keep them inside of interdimensional spaces.

[Upbeat sentimental song begins.]

You could have a moving company.

Cassidy

Oh my gosh.

Hallie (as Yugi)

[Thoughtful.] A moving company…

Olivia (as Yuli)

Think about it.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That’s a really good idea, Yuli.

Hallie (as Yugi)

You know, this isn’t what I set out for them to do, but…

Olivia (as Yuli)

But your dreams, they can change, they can morph. I used to be a tabby.

Hallie (as Yugi)

A tabby yule cat?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yes. I lied before. I’m willing to tell you that now because you’ve done me the honor of releasing me and saving my little tail.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Wow, thanks! Nobody’s ever trusted me like that before.

Olivia (as Yuli)

That makes sense.

Emily

Maybe we’re still technically in some sort of combat, but I just really wanna pop up from behind him and hold his hand.

Olivia

[Laughs.] Your hand just slips from behind. The shot is just a close-up on your hands.

Cassidy

Like, he’s just limp by his side, and…

Olivia

Yeah.

Hallie

I know it was an anticlimactic end to the confrontation, but Olivia’s Puppy-Dog Eyes was technically the last that filled up the fourth thing in the clock that you guys needed to fill up.

Olivia

Oh, perfect. Perfect.

Cassidy

It’s perfect. What a transition. It’s like we planned it.

Olivia

So the balls just become, like, they just kinda float there neutrally?

Hallie

Yeah, they’re just hanging out. Then he’s gonna press the “no” button on the remote.

Olivia

It’s just yes or no?

Hallie

Just yes and no. Yeah.

Olivia

That’s honestly incredible.

Cassidy

You might want to add some more features, maybe.

Olivia

That’s amazing, honestly.

[Music ends.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

I say we leave immediately.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

We still have that letter to deliver.

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s gonna be so late. We have to get to the post office.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yeah, before it closes.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I don’t know when we left, but it felt like it was already dark.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

My friend Yugi, would you have a vehicle or car that could allow us to get fast to the post office?

Emily (as Bert)

My dad said not to get in cars with strangers.

Olivia (as Yuli)

We know him. We know who he is. He’s Yugi Balls.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I’m not a stranger. I’m Yugi Balls.

[00:40:00]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Yugi is a friend. Yugi Balls is a friend.

Hallie (as Yugi)

You know me now.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yugi’s not a stranger.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Like, the worst thing has happened. I’ve already tried to abduct you. I’m not gonna do it twice.

Olivia (as Yuli)

And you’ve already done your soul gazing thing into him, so you know him better than probably anyone he’s ever known.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Listen, friend Yugi…

[Silly ambling music begins.]

What you did to us is not very legal. It’s not very legal. We have evidence that we can take to police. But, if you take us in car to the post office so that we arrive on time, we will not call police. Do you like this deal?

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Yugi)

Yeah, you know what…

Cassidy

Make, a, deal!

Hallie

From his pocket he takes a little keyring and you hear a beep-beep from the back as he unlocks his car remotely.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Yeah, that does sound like a good deal.

Ari

Okay. I want to Make a Deal.

Olivia

Oh. Oh!

Hallie

Yugi does not have any modifiers, if you do not. He’ll just drive you to the post office.

Ari

I don't know how to do modifiers.

Hallie

There’s time limits. There’s a penalty. I guess you would specify, like, if you leave the deal you die.

Ari

Well, time limit. I want it to be before the post office closes.

Hallie

Like, now. Yes, he’ll do it now.

Emily

I have a question, though.

Hallie

Yes?

Emily

Did you say earlier that the remote was messing with our compass?

Hallie

Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. The compass on the letter is still, like, (spinning sound).

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh yeah. Can you turn that off so that we can use it?

Hallie (as Yugi)

Oh, yeah, you know what… hang on. I’ve got so many magnets in here.

Emily (as Bert)

I told you!

Olivia (as Yuli)

Magnets.

Emily (as Bert)

I told you it was magnets!

Hallie (as Yugi)

That’s what was keeping the rock climbing wall up. Magnets.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You were correct, Bird friend.

Hallie (as Yugi)

That’s why it fell down. They’re not really good magnets.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Think about what you’re saying, Yugi.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Bert)

Wait. Your entire wall was held up with magnets?

Hallie (as Yugi)

No, just the rock climbing part.

Emily (as Bert)

I’m afraid to tell you that I cannot recommend this to my friends or family.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

As we’re gathering up Eilidh’s possessions back into her backpack:

Olivia (as Yuli)

It’s not good. Not good. Anyway, really nice talking to you, Yugi.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Well you know, I can’t turn off my magnets, but I’m sure that if we just get a distance away, it’ll fix itself. Plus, I know where the post office is.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You should be taking us before it closes, otherwise I call police.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Just stiffly standing by the door.

Cassidy

Just on-dial, waiting.

Olivia

Give me a reason.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Hallie

You all get into Yugi Balls’s car, which is a Volkswagen Beetle.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

Ugh… I sit on the luxurious wide dashboard.

Cassidy

[Smiling.] Eilidh sticks her head out the window.

Hallie

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean a Beetle, I meant like a Volkswagen wagon, like Red Mary. That’s what I was trying to do.

Cassidy

Yeah. Yeah.

Ari

Oh! That’s very different.

Olivia

Oh!

Hallie

It’s a big van. I meant the opposite of what I said.

Olivia

Wow!

Hallie

It’s a Beetle that’s big. Let’s go with that.

Olivia

It’s like a van-sized Beetle.

Cassidy

Like the sport Beetle.

Emily

I’ve gone in one of those!

Olivia

It’s family-sized.

Hallie

Yeah, it’s a family-sized Beetle.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh, that’s really impressive. A lot of head room.

Cassidy

Eilidh’s got her head stuck out the window.

Emily

Bert tries to stick his head out the window…

Ari

Oh no!

Olivia

Your wings are gonna fill up.

Cassidy

Eilidh will hold onto him so he doesn’t just fly.

Emily

…and then drag his head back in, and happily watch Eilidh stick her head out the window.

[Door opening chime.]

Hallie

You get to the post office without incident. It is not about to close. You’re fine.

Ari

Okay.

Olivia

Great.

Emily

Bert will stop right outside the door because I made a joke earlier about how he wasn’t allowed in post offices.

Hallie

[Laughs.] That’s right! I forgot that! Alright.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

We’ll just be a minute, Bert. It will be real fast. I promise.

Hallie

Behind the post office grill desk thing is a lovely young woman with very long flowing black hair. Kind of one of those medieval style dresses.

Olivia

Oh cool.

Ari

Ooh.

Hallie

And she is looking at her nails when you come in.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Hey. We got a letter that needs delivering.

Cassidy

She’s gonna wave the little letter.

Hallie (as clerk)

Oh, could I just see that, sweetheart?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Sure.

Cassidy

She’s gonna hand it over.

Hallie (as clerk)

There’s no address… Wait. You know what? I think this is for me.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh?

Olivia (as Yuli)

Huh?

Hallie (as clerk)

He never just calls me Baba Yaga.

[Russian waltz begins.]

Olivia

Ah! B. Y.!

Hallie

So she undoes the envelope and takes out a note…

Olivia

B. Y.!

Hallie

…and then just nods at it.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

If that’s all you need from us, I guess we’ll be on our way.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

Actually, wait-wait, hang on.

Hallie

And she takes the letter. She’s writing on it on the table. You can see what the letter was, and it was just a page that said “do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely.”

Ari

Oh my god!

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Is he me in First Grade?

Cassidy

That’s adorable.

Hallie

She added a box at the end that says Positively.

Cassidy

Aww.

Olivia

That’s nice.

[00:45:00]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Miss Yaga, friend Yaga, I have a question.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

Yes?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Is it true that Mr. Boatman is not allowed in post office, or is that just because he did not want to cross you?

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

Well, he’s not allowed in the other post office. This one is fine.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah. That is like me and ice cream shops.

Olivia

[Laughs.] What?!

Emily

Bert’s little face is pressed up against the window. His whole front is just slammed up against the window, his wide eyes glinting through the glass.

Olivia

Desperately trying to read lips.

Emily

He really wants to be a part of this.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

He can come into “this” post office, but he’s afraid to. You’d think it would be because I work here as a part-time job when I’m not witching in the forest, but actually it’s because he got banned because he put all the stamps all over the walls like stickers. He says the temptation is just too much for him.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That sounds like Uncle Boatman to me.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

I did the same in ice cream shop, just with all of the flavors instead of the stamps. In fact, I could not decide what flavor I wanted, so I put all of them out.

[Music ends.]

… That is too much information for you.

Olivia

I think it’s just enough.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

No, I’ve always wanted to learn about the Boatman’s best friend.

Olivia

[Gasps.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah, yes, he is my best friend. I am glad he thinks I am his best friend as well.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

It’s just that he can never remember your name. So it’s so nice to meet you in person, Mister…?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah yes. My friends call me Freddie, call me Nikolas Kage, and call me Bird 2. You can call me that name or you can call me however you want. Mr. Boatman calls me Don’t Cut it Kyle. Cut this out Kyle, sorry.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Kyle, cut it…

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Don’t Cut it Kyle is a different name from somebody else.

[Giggling.]

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

Cut it Kyle… Okay. I’ll remember that.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

That way I carry things from all of my friends. With all of the names, I have things from all of my friends.

Olivia

That’s nice.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

That’s such a nice way to look at it. It’s like the mail, which is my second passion after being a witch.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Mail is very important. It helps friends communicate with each other which makes the world a better place.

Olivia

You’re reading from a pamphlet, Mr. Monday.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Bert’s little fingers squeak a little bit as his hands move a little bit on the glass.

Olivia

Oh no! Poor guy.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

Well, thank you very much. Would you make sure he gets my reply?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Mr. Boatman is going to host the best pizza patsa party, and the contract did not specify I should not invite other people, so you are invited to the pizza patsa party. It will be the best one. I’m sure he will be happy to see his friend.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

You know, maybe I will just swing by when the post office closes.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

He will be glad to see you. Let us go and tell him the deal is complete.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Nice to meet you~

Olivia (as Yuli)

Nice to meet ya.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

Nice to meet you, too.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Oh, and our friend out there, his name is Bert.

Hallie (as Baba Yaga)

[Flatly.] I know Bert.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Staring daggers at Bert through the window.

Cassidy

And they’re gonna be at the same pizza patsa party later.

Olivia

Oh, I hope it’s not awkward.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

It’s not at a post office, so it’s fine.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Olivia

That’s true.

Cassidy

Is Yugi still out there?

Hallie

Oh yeah, he’s waiting for you. The engine’s idling.

Olivia

That’s really nice.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Hey! Is there anywhere else you needed to go?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Well, you know, we just invited the post office lady to the pizza patsa party.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Yeah. Your part of the deal is complete. I won’t call police. But, you are invited to the pizza patsa party from the other deal because it doesn’t say I cannot invite other people.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, it wasn’t specified.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Really? I’m invited to the pizza patsa party?

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Yes, but do not bring balls or I call police.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Yeah, leave them. Leave them.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Okay, I’ll leave them.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Okay.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Sounds good.

Cassidy

So we’re heading back to the bachelor pad?

Olivia

Walking the calm walk of heroes.

Emily (as Bert)

I missed you~!

Emily

Bert says, from the back seat into Eilidh’s ear.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Ah! … I’ll get used to that at some point.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Hallie

When you get back to the community center, everything looks the exact same as you left it until you get down to the bachelor pad which has been remade entirely into an Italian restaurant.

[Classy classical music begins.]

Cassidy

Oh my gosh.

Ari

Oh! Yes!

Hallie

Because it’s the best pizza patsa party.

Ari

The best! The best pizza patsa party.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Greetings, comrades! My friends! Look, you asked for the best pizza patsa party, so I entirely redid my living room and home.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

Ah, this is beautiful. This is the best pizza patsa party. You have completed the deal. We have completed the deal as well.

[00:50:00]

We have delivered letter to post office and to recipient of letter.

Hallie (as Boatman)

And how did the both of those work? What? I wanted you to just go to the house. Why did you go to the post office? I hate the post office. I wanted it out of the hands of the post office.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I mean, there was no address. The compass thing didn’t work.

Hallie (as Boatman)

There was a magic compass! What do you mean it did not work? I made the magic myself, just like I used magic to make this fabulous restaurant.

Olivia

I’m pulling something… a breadstick out.

Cassidy

And Yugi’s joined us, right?

Hallie

Yeah, Yugi’s there.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Wow, pizza patsa! You know, we used to serve this at the Raveyard.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Olivia (as Yuli)

Okay. Used to? Why don’t you anymore?

Hallie (as Yugi)

Why don’t I? Well, it’s—

Emily

[Grinning.] Because we ruined it.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Well, it’s closed.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh, right.

Hallie (as Yugi)

I can’t safely operate according to laws.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Your many attacks on our personages. Yeah, I remember that.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Yeah, I can’t, um… I can’t do that.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

That’s why we couldn’t deliver the letter to the house.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Just to be clear, were you expecting to deliver the letter to one Baba Yaga?

Hallie

The Boatman cannot blush, but he somehow is.

Cassidy

[Giggles.]

Hallie (as Boatman)

You weren’t supposed to know.

Olivia

A faint red hue appears in the middle of his dark hood.

Emily

He suddenly feels freezing cold hands, one on each cheek…

Hallie

No!

Emily

…from Bert perched on a chair behind him.

Olivia

Like mittens filled with ice.

Hallie

He backs away.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Yes, yes, it was to Baba Yaga. She is great.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

We made sure that she got it, then. Don’t worry. You’re such a worrier, Uncle Boatman.

Hallie (as Boatman)

But I am very cool. I am not a worrier. I do not worry about things. Who is new friend, Eilidh?

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Yugi. Yeah, Yugi, uh…

Olivia (as Yuli)

He’s alright.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

I’ll let him explain it.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Hi! I’m Yugi Balls! I invented Tamagotchas. They’re gonna be a moving company!

Olivia

Yeah!

Hallie (as Yugi)

There’s absolutely no other part to this story that needs telling.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Boatman)

Sounds good to me!

Olivia

Beautiful. It’s good to introduce people to new people.

[Music changes to funky party song.]

Hallie

The Boatman releases a disco ball that’s just there. He’s also used magic to acquire a disco ball.

Emily

Bert shies away from the disco ball briefly, upon seeing the shape, but then the light begins to glitter.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

I didn’t even think of that. The Boatman has no idea.

Hallie (as Boatman)

I got your pizza patsa and your Pepsi Cola, because that’s the same name. We did not bother renaming that.

Cassidy (as Eilidh)

Did you get the mozzarella sticks?

Hallie (as Boatman)

Eilidh. The mozzarella sticks?

Hallie

He gestures them to you.

Hallie (as Boatman)

And I got several small marinaras with spoons to drink with them.

Olivia

Oh, perfect.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] I forgot about that.

Hallie (as Boatman)

I know it’s, like, super weird, man. I don’t understand it.

Emily

Bert’s just reaching both his little hands up towards the disco ball.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Don’t touch. Don’t touch it.

Hallie

Without even looking at Bert, he’s just like:

Hallie (as Boatman)

Don’t… Don’t touch the ball, man. Look at these several small marinaras. Do you want the small marinara?

[Music ends abruptly.]

Emily

… There’s a long silence.

[Laughter.]

[Music resumes.]

Hallie

The Boatman slowly pushes it towards you the entire silence.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Okay, more for Cut it out Kyle.

Ari

I’m already eating. Well, I’m eating the patsa, but also some of the marinaras as well.

Hallie (as Boatman)

Take this. This this other small marinara. I can get more of the pizza patsa. They really like me.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

This truly was the best pizza patsa party. You have fulfilled your deal.

Olivia

[Laughs.] I hold your oath fulfilled.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

The contract is now complete.

Olivia

That’s incredible!

Hallie

Confetti falls from the disco ball, like at the end of an Ace Attorney trial when they’re innocent.

Olivia

Yay! Yuli is sitting on a table near everyone, eating his pizza, trusting for the first time.

Hallie

Near everyone? That’s so sweet!

Several

Aww!

Hallie

He trusts them even though he was so afraid they’d murder him for no reason earlier.

Olivia

It turned out that they didn’t this time, so…

Ari

I will try and pat the head.

Olivia

I hold perfectly still. I hold perfectly still.

Ari

Very slowly pat the head, and I put the hand back. I need more patsa.

Emily

With your hand full of cat fur.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Oh god.

Olivia

So filthy. He smells like a cigarette from a gutter.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I haven’t washed.

Ari

[Laughs.] Oh no!

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

[00:55:00]

Emily

Yay!

Olivia

We did it.

Cassidy

For Yugi Balls.

Ari

Yugi Balls.

Hallie

Yugi Balls. I made so many plans, and then none of them really mattered. I was so nervous, because he was going to approach all of you in the middle of the street and do an Honest John Pinocchio thing, like “hey kids, you ever wanted to go to the Raveyard,” but then every single one of you took abilities like Reads People, and ‘I am afraid of anyone and will do Perception checks at any and all times.’

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Hallie

So then I was like, no, I just gotta get them to the Raveyard and hope.

Olivia

Hope they’ll go inside?

Hallie

Instead of a shifty guy being like, hey, come with me to a second location.

Olivia

He said there was free pizza, and I was just in.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

You want me to just tell Kyle to come in here?

Hallie

No. No! NO!

Ari

No! Why are you listening in?

Cassidy

Get out! No men! No boys!

Olivia

Even your palm, partially in frame.

Ari

Get away! Kyle, cut this out.

Cassidy

No boys allowed.

Hallie

Kyle, cut it out!

Cassidy

Cut it out, Kyle.

Olivia

[Musically.] Cut it out, Kyle! Cut it out, Kyle!

Hallie

[laughs.]

Ari

Oh. I realized he can’t hear us because Emily has headphones.

Kyle

I can see Hallie breaking down.

Olivia

Only she knows how funny we are.

That dastardly Yugi, enemy to the people.

Hallie

He’s gonna be the best, like no one ever was.

Olivia

[To the tune of the first Pokémon theme.] I’m gonna be so very good, like no one has yet been. To catch monsters is my goal, to train them is my fins. Necromon! Ooh, my heart is true. My evil will pull me through.

Ari

Ooh~

Olivia

I like this as a combat, that we are basically almost doing two things per turn and then something else happens.

Hallie

Yeah!

Ari

Yeah! Yeah.

Olivia

Don’t cut it out, Kyle. Don’t cut it out.

Ari

Don’t cut it out, Kyle.

Hallie

Don’t cut it out, Kyle.

Cassidy

Keep it in, Kyle.

Olivia

Keep it in, Kyle!

Hallie

Do you like the confrontations, Kyle? Keep it in, Kyle.

Olivia

Keep it in, Kyle~

I hate this Yogi Balls.

Hallie

Yogi Balls? His name is Yugi Balls. Show him respect.

Cassidy

Yogi Bear?

Hallie

I love him.

Olivia

Misguidedly. I’m sorry.

Hallie

No, that’s correct.

Cassidy

Yogi Balls would be amazing though. Does he have a picnic basket?

Olivia

Or a small friend who’s better than him.

Hallie

“This is my Pokénic basket.” Be really careful what you say because there is going to be a sequel.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Oh no. Yogi Bear is a cryptid.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

“Hey, Boo Boo!”

Cassidy

“Hey, Boo Boo!”

Hallie

“This is my magic picnic basket!” It’s like Mary Poppins’s bag. I don't know why Yogi is lapsing back into Boatman, but fine.

Olivia

It’s fun.

Emily

Kyle, I can’t hear you.

Hallie

Kyle, no!

Ari

What is Kyle doing now?

Hallie

Kyle, no!

Ari

Is he telling you things about cutting… things?

Cassidy

Cut it out, Kyle.

Hallie

Cut it out, Kyle.

Ari

Cut it out, Kyle.

Hallie

Cut it out!

Olivia

Cut it out, Kyle~

I can’t wait to hear the compendium of all the different ways I’ve sung “cut it out, Kyle.”

Cassidy

My idea was to have Eilidh try to help safely move the rock climbing wall in a show of support. “Look, we’re not mad at you, we’re just mad at you trying to get us.”

Hallie

“We’re not mad at you, we’re just mad at you.”

Cassidy

We’re mad at what you’re doing.

Olivia (as Yuli)

I’m mad at you. Yugi, you can see that you’ve not painted the full wall. You’ve left the space blank behind where the rock climbing wall was. It’s shoddy. It’s shoddy.

Hallie

So technically he rolled, but we’ll just have Kyle cut that out. Cut it out, Kyle. We’re gonna have you help him instead, try to move him.

Cassidy

Protecting the bad guy, even though he’s the bad guy.

Olivia

You’re a good kid. You’re a good kid, kid.

Hallie (as Yugi)

Wow, thanks! Nobody’s ever trusted me like that before. Not since I stole that bike…

Olivia (as Yuli)

Stole a bike? Why did you steal a bike? Who did you steal a bike from?

Cassidy

I’m so mad at you, Hallie.

Hallie (as Yugi)

It was a long time ago. It was a long time ago! And everybody brings it up all the time.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Well, you’re young. You’re young. It’s different.

Ari (as "Mr. Monday")

You should go back and apologize to your friend for stealing the bike. Maybe you can give it in the ball, put it in the ball.

Olivia (as Yuli)

Oh! Yeah. It could be like advertising.

Hallie (as Yugi)

That would be a really good idea, and I could wrap the ball with a little ball and be like “hey, here’s that bike I stole.”

Emily

Aw, I want pizza now.

Olivia

I do too.

Hallie

Pizza.

Cassidy

Sorry. I was really hungry.

Emily

[Fake sobbing.] This is a terrible session.

Olivia

Share your dreams.

Emily

Now everyone wants pizza and nobody has pizza except Cassidy.