27. The Siren in the Dead City (Part 3)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

You are at the Worlds’ Fair.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright, let’s split up, gang. Rules: Meet at, um… there.

Kyle

In front of just a small diner labeled Die Hop.

She stares at a stuffed Boidelrat on the prize section of a carny’s ride.

Emily (as Irene)

These games are all rigged anyway.

Hallie

Sparky just fully mistook a red devil with a tail for Lucas Bang here in the line for the I-Fell Tower.

Kyle

Hilda, you and the trash can you’re in fly up into the air with them.

Ari

If there was a way that he could have left Yuna somewhere that isn’t here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I will guard her with my life.

Tom

[Amused.] Cursed.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Xochi says…

Kyle (as Xochi)

Papi Quique~! Que onda~?

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

She’s WHAT?

Kyle

Quique, you can’t feel heat, we said this in the first-ever episode, but you could swear you feel two little red-hot lasers boring into the side of your head as Ariel’s eyes, burning, are fixated on you.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… sorpresa?

[Laughter.]

Yeah, you know… we have so much family. What’s one person that isn’t introduced? Sometimes it’s a cousin, sometimes it’s a nephew, sometimes, you know, it’s an uncle’s daughter.

Kyle

Xochi is gonna dramatically but also gently and elegantly slap her hands against the side of her cheeks.

Kyle (as Xochi)

Oh, my, GOD~!

[Silly villainous music begins.]

Are you saying that this adorable fashionable little thing right here is my prima?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. You know, there’s been a couple extra ones since we, eh, fully had a talk about stuff. I guess it slipped my mind to mention them.

Kyle

Ariel is just rocking back and forth, catatonic. We could do a whole episode of the last ten seconds in their brain. And then just suddenly, Ariel, who seems very, very composed and very sure of themself…

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Deep breath. Speaks quickly an frantically.] Hi, my name is Ariel Zamora Hueso. I’m a senior at Valley—I’m a senior at Valley…

[Stammers and huffs.] I’m a senior at Valley Public High. I… I really like edgy stuff, but I really like your music. It’s a really big inspiration to me. You do a lot of work. And you know, I just, you know… I’ve been trying to play the trumpet. I think that’s really cool because I like your music and I’ve done, uh…

Ari (as Quique)

Kid.

Kyle (as Ariel)

…some homemade ska remixes.

Ari (as Quique)

Kid…?

Kyle (as Ariel)

On my computer at home. And, you know, uh…

Ari (as Quique)

Kid. Kid, kid, kid…

Ari

[Laughs.] I’m gonna try and—

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Shouts abruptly.] Cool it, tio!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

So you know, um, um…

Kyle

Give me a second.

[Rolls.] So, I’m gonna say—I rolled for Ariel to keep their cool.

Ari

Nooo!

Kyle

And it was a mixed success. Ariel starts swaying back and forth. They slump behind them, about to faint, but then, again very elegantly, Xochi’s snake- or mermaid-like tail whips around and catches Ariel like a little stool almost.

[Tense ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Xochi)

Prima? Prima? Prima? Calm down.

[Using siren powers.] Calm… down.

Kyle

Quique, I want you to roll to Keep Your Cool.

Ari

Oh my god. Oh no.

Kyle

Also, remember, two twos is a critical success, two fives is a critical failure. I forgot about that.

Ari

[Rolls.] No!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

What did you roll?

Ari

[Smiling, pained.] I rolled two fives.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

You summoned it, Kyle. I’m proud of you.

Tom

Truly auspicious opening.

Ari

God damn it.

Kyle

You see Ariel start to calm down and what looked like was going to be a frantic pass-out slowly becomes gentle-lidded as they seem to be lulled off to sleep. I don't know if it’s because you’re worried about your kiddo or what exactly it is, but it might take you a second to realize that it isn’t just Xochi’s calming presence that’s causing that, it’s Xochi’s calming power.

[00:05:00]

Just like how Xochi can amplify emotions by increasing heart rate, blood pumping, etcetera, she can do the opposite as well. So, you notice, while it might not be blood for you, that you’re starting to calm down too, and you’re starting to get very woozy and very, like, kind of half-lidded.

Ari (as Quique)

I… I think I’m kind of out of practice with this, Xochi.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And you pass out.

Ari

God damn it.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I am happy watching Quique suffer.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Speaking of suffering.

[Frantic swing music begins.]

Hilda, you are hurdling dozens, nay hundreds of feet in the air.

Tom (as Hilda)

Aaaaah!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoooob!

Tom

Oh god, that’s right.

Hallie

Is Booker also up there?

Kyle

Yeah, you know, now that you asked…

Hallie

Ah barnacles, alright.

Kyle

Roll Take Action or Keep Your Cool to keep a hold on Booker.

Emily

[Breathes heavily, nervous.]

Ari

Oh no!

Emily (as Booker)

[Sad and shaky.] Rekoob…!

Tom

I don’t like this.

[Rolls. Groans.] Why?

Hallie

Oh man, it just gets better and better.

Emily

Where does Booker land?

Hallie

Everything just gets better and better.

Tom

I got 6.

Hallie

You got 6!

Kyle

Well, take 1 AP.

Tom

No…

Kyle

From below, from hundreds of feet below, Sparky, you see Yunuen bouncing up and down with excitement and looking up at Hilda flying and looking at you and looking back. And then, you just see with the little “rekoooob,” Booker just soar off into the distance like a book frisbee.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Booker)

[Sobbing.] Rekoooob!

Hallie

Team Rocket’s flying off again.

Kyle

Yunuen looks down at her little Pik Pik, because she has a Pik Pik Necromon that she took out of the card, and she points down to it like eh, eh, and points up at Booker.

Ari

[Smiling.] God, Yunuen is such a menace.

Kyle

And it just catches on fire out of panic.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

I don't know if this is an acceptable use of AP. You know how cartoons can summon things from thin air and just have a thing?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I’d like to have a fire extinguisher with which to extinguish the Pik Pik because the flames frightened me.

Tom

You know, for a second I thought you were doing something to help me and Booker, but I realized that was extremely foolish.

Hallie

Oh, no.

[Laughs.] No.

Emily

She’s already failed with one child. She can’t, like…

Tom

Glad to see our lives are already written off, and now Booker and I can’t even go out together. We’re tumbling away, thousands of feet apart.

Hallie

Alright, Alright.

Emily

[Weakly.] Kip-kip… kip-kip.

[Fast-paced jazz music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Okay! That’s one disaster done.

Hallie

Throws the fire extinguisher behind her. Somewhere in the background—

Kyle

Conk. “Ow!”

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yes.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Emily

Booker screams, waggling his little legs at a bird.

Hallie

Is he still flying into the sunset?

Kyle

He’s been caught by a bird now.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Hallie

Ah, oh, that’s so much worse. Okay, um…

Tom

Oh… Hold on. Hold on. Time out. That was a GM Intrusion. Give me my AP.

Emily

Give ME my AP.

Kyle

Fine, you both get an AP, but specifically as Hilda and Booker.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, um… Yunuen?

Kyle

She looks up at you with a big smile.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, so that all looks fun to you?

Kyle

She bounces and nods her head and makes a little excited sound.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s bad. No.

Kyle

She just nods “yes” even more.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Okay. Love your spirit, kid, but this must be what Alina means when she talks about good examples for things. Okay! Um…

Hallie

I’m gonna take Yunuen by the hand, because that’s what responsible adults do with small children.

Kyle

Mm-hmm. She’ll take your hand with the balled up fist so she can use the other one with the cane.

Hallie

Okay. I don’t suppose you’d let me summon my van again?

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Describe the ability.

Hallie

Designated Driver, from the Guardian playbook. You have a reliable means of transportation that is able to carry you and the other PCs (a car, bus pass, soul-bonded dragon, etc.) Spend 1 AP to have this means of transportation appear in a critical moment.

Kyle

Do you have an AP?

Hallie

Yeah, I had 3 AP.

Kyle

Yeah, then you can summon it.

Hallie

Yeah! Okay. I have 1 AP left. I’ve used it within 30 seconds on a fire extinguisher and a van. But here’s the thing, what I want to do with the van is not fly it into the air to catch Hilda and Booker, I’d like to just park the van. You know, vans are hard. I don't know if that’s…

Tom

Were you going to just park the van under where you thought I would land?!

Hallie

Yeah. I really was.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Why…?

Hallie

Okay! Okay. I know Jake Hell is there, right?

Kyle

You do know Big Jake Hell is there.

Hallie

I saw Jake Hell the last episode. Alright, so in a panic, in just a complete panic, I get out my keys and I’m ready to summon my van.

[00:10:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hey, Jake!

Kyle

Roll me Fierce, I think, to get his attention in the crowd.

Hallie

Okay, Fierce. I have no bonuses in Fierce this go-round. Just a straight roll.

[Music ends.]

[Rolls. Grumbles.] Five.

Kyle

Take an AP.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

A bunch of men—

Hallie

No! Not men. God damn it.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

—in crop top polos…

Tom

[Amused.] Crop top polos?

Kyle

…khakis, and socks with sandals, turn over and say:

Kyle (as “Jakes”)

Yeah?!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

I have a question.

Kyle

Yeah?

Emily

Do I have any agency in this situation?

Kyle

Yeah, Booker and Hilda, are you doing anything while you’re up in the air?

Hallie

I’m gonna fix it. I’m coming. I promise.

Tom

I have “an” idea. It requires me to spend the AP I just got.

Kyle

What’s your idea, Tom?

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Tom

What if one of the dragons, much like the ones from Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom, was just passing by? What if there was just a kindly, slow, serpentining dragon passing by that I could just bump into and grab ahold of?

Hallie

The eagles pass by.

Tom

As I fly through the air. Just like a little happy Quetzalcoatl.

Kyle

You want AP? We’ll say it’s like the Chinese New Year dragons that they have in parades. We’ll say there’s a float like that, there’s a float dragon.

Tom

Can it still be like a Quetzalcoatl feathered serpent?

Kyle

Yes, it’s a feathered serpent. Its name is Korphal.

Tom

Apparently it says “laugh-core.”

[Laughter.]

Sorry, “laugh-rock.”

Hallie

Laugh-core! The new big music genre.

Tom

[In a warbling Necromon voice.] “Laugh-rock! Laugh-rock…”

Ari

Jesus Christ.

Kyle

This majestic thing is flying through the sky. It’s got a long beard that’s also scaly. You do have to roll to Keep Your Cool to get on it, though.

Tom

I’ve never kept my cool once in my life.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

It is something that Hilda is notoriously bad at.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

But now is a great time to start, don’t you think?

Tom

[Rolls.] I got a 9.

Hallie

Hey.

Kyle

Okay. Okay. That’s a mixed success. You’re either sloppy, loud or slow.

Tom

Loud is really funny. I just loudly scream and slap into this dragon, drawing the attention of literally everyone around.

Hallie

The thing that Sparky was trying to do.

Kyle

Okay, yeah. You fall, you grab on, and then you scream.

Tom (as Hilda)

Aaagh!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

The screaming of a child reaches zombie Rube Goldberg’s ears and he smiles.

[Smooth villainous music begins.]

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Well, it looks like your life is almost over there, kiddo. Let’s spin the wheel again!

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat is just really, really excited looking up at you, Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

Ugh, you know this game is rigged, Boidelrat.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib?

Emily (as Irene)

Rigged. It means that the runner and designer of the game is a charlatan.

Kyle

With a very, very knowing nod, Boidelrat goes:

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib. Tarledoib!

Emily (as Irene)

Yes, like Rasputin.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Alright, the other Necromon. The three of you, or five of you if you count each Mossie as its own entity, are going to steal a Boidelrat doll.

[Sneaky music begins.]

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Explain.

Hallie

It was right there, right? It’s like behind…?

Kyle

Yeah, it’s like a carnival game. We’ll say the game is like the board game, The Game of Life, but just vertical and bigger.

Hallie

It just goes into the sky where Hilda’s at.

Kyle

But besides that, yeah, you got your regular booth, you got the things hanging on the wall. Their little inanimate eyes are pleading, begging for a home. It’s been so long, here, on the wall.

Tom

They’re not even sitting on the shelf, they are in fact secured to the back of the wall with little plastic straps or cords or something.

Kyle

Oh yeah.

Tom

The Mossies are here to eat through those.

Kyle

Okay, okay, okay. That’s what the Mossies are gonna do. Mastermind and bruiser, what are you doing?

Hallie

I’m a spiky little cactus, and I would like to use my little spikes to do like a… I’m doing a motion that the podcast listeners can’t see.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

But like, ice pick climbing? You stick it in and then you stick the second one in and then you stick the next… I want to use my spikes to climb.

Kyle

Okay. Okay, yeah. You’ll use your spikes to climb.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Mallea can punch while they’re climbing so that… I don't know if there’s a way to do it so that they can be propelled further in their climb.

Kyle

How about Mallea holds onto them, and just like I think Misha did with Elee in Season 1…

[00:15:00]

Ari

Oh! Like toss them?

Kyle

…flings them up, and then Pokeyo can jab in.

Hallie

And while the Mossies hang onto Pokeyo’s spiky little back.

Ari

That’s a better idea.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. So, what we’re gonna do is Mallea will roll with Fierce, Pokeyo will roll with Slick, and then Mossies can use either Fierce or Slick. We’re gonna do it like an instant Confrontation. So, more successes you do, less successes you fail. If it evens out, it’s a mixed success over all.

[Upbeat spy music begins.]

So, let’s kick in the stealth music, which we play a lot when the Necromon do stuff on their own.

Hallie

Apparently it’s their specialty.

Kyle

We’ve got a cutaway. We see an excited Boidelrat. We see the stuffed Boidelrat doll but just expressionless, but we can swear its eyes turn more downturn in like a plead, “please save me.” We see Mallea holding Pokeyo and the Mossies, and we’ll say—if it’s alright if I flavor it like this—you grab the three Mossies, Pokeyo, and you stick them on your head and put the chef’s hat on top of it.

Hallie

That’s so cute! Yes, I want to do that.

Kyle

I need everyone to roll, and then we’re gonna go in order. Ari, Hallie, Tom, give me your number and tell me how your part goes well, eh, or bad.

[Players roll.]

Ari

I rolled a 10.

Kyle

Okay! Okay. You do it perfectly.

Ari

No, a 9, a 9.

Kyle

Okay, you do it “eh,” you do it okay.

Ari

I think Mallea over-calculates because Mossies and Pokeyo’s weight are slightly different, so when trying to calculate it over-calculated for Mossies and under-calculated for Pokeyo, so Mossies like blasts a little bit higher, though not to Hilda’s level, and Pokeyo could still go nearly as high as was intended.

Kyle

Yeah. Pokeyo let’s say latches on normally and the Mossies just fly up and now are attached to the top by their teeth, so Pokeyo’s gotta go extra distance to grab them. Pokeyo, how did you roll?

Hallie

Pokeyo got an 8, so Pokeyo also succeeded but not as glamorously as they would have liked. This is because of Mallea, it’s Mallea’s fault, because Mallea threw them wrong. Because they didn’t land together as a unit as Pokeyo planned, Pokeyo’s gotta hustle and climb up, and Pokeyo isn’t built for that.

Kyle

Pokeyo is not built for speed.

Hallie

They’re not built for speed! So they have to like, ugh, stop and do the cartoon (heavy panting) and then keep going. I’m imagining—

Kyle

Do we hear an adorable “oh-ee-kope” but in reality it’s just like “ugh, god damn it, pieces of… fucking—”

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Strained.] Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee… KOPE!

[Weakly.] Oh-ee-kope…

Kyle

But you grab the Mossies and get them into place. How did the Mossies do?

[Music ends.]

Tom

So, the Mossies…

[Smirks.] So, the Mossies…

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Oh no.

[Slow, ambling silly music begins.]

Tom

The Mossies get up there and they start chewing on the restraints. They’re just sort of gumming on them. … And they’re still gumming, still gumming. Haven’t finished chewing. Any day now. The Mossies take so long they sort of forget what they’re doing. … Just making mouth noises. I rolled a 5.

Kyle

You’re gumming so hard, because it’s an overall failure, that you don’t feel as this plastic snake-feeling thing wraps around each of your bodies.

[Sinister music begins.]

Emily

[Gasps.]

Kyle

And it wraps around you, Pokeyo.

Hallie

No! This is Mallea’s fault.

Kyle

Ari, how close was Mallea to the wall, actually?

Ari

Uh, pretty close. I was picturing it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Okay, so Mallea feels around his little arms, and you notice too late as the zip ties…

Hallie

No!

Kyle

…which are holding up the other stuffed creatures, wrap around all of you and attach you to the wall.

Hallie

No!

Tom (as Mossies)

[Distraught.] See-sawm…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! OH-EE-KOPE!

Tom (as Mossies)

[Grumbly.] Sawm!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Frustrated.] Oh-ee… kope!

Kyle

And down on a table you see a little eye, just out of a socket, staring at you. Out of the side of his mouth, Rube Goldberg says:

[Music ends on a high, tense moment.]

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Nice try.

Kyle

And then he whacks the table and the eye goes up, hits him on the head, and rolls back into his eye socket, and he continues talking with Irene.

[Rambling game show music plays.]

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Well, kid, that was a pretty lucky roll. You only got a couple more until the SOULstice begins.

Emily (as Irene)

[Exhales.]

Emily

Okay. I don’t remember last time what the situation was with who was winning.

[00:20:00]

Kyle

I think you were doing progressively worse.

Hallie

Yeah, it’s not you, you’re not winning.

Kyle

I mean, it’s a carnival game, we can just assume.

Emily

Yeah, but did Irene just keep playing because of Boidelrat?

Kyle

Yeah, she just kept playing because of Boidelrat.

Emily

And she can stop any time?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Because I feel like she occasionally looks around for her Necromon, because she already almost lost one and that’s why now she’s trying not to lose her soul. So, I think she looks around for her Necromon.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Come on, kid. Come on, kid. We gotta get going. We gotta get going. The after planets only align once every thousand years! We got about five minutes, alright? Give or take, we got a wiggle room of about five minutes, so let’s get going, kid.

Emily (as Irene)

Where are my Necromon?

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Well, you haven’t won it yet, kid. That’s why you’re here. Heh-heh-heh, whoa.

Emily

She looks at him, dead-faced. Not as dead-faced as him. Heh-heh.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Ari

Hey!

Tom

Got him.

Emily

Can I see them?

Kyle

Roll Understand.

Emily

Understand… Okay.

Kyle

Because already the Necromon are starting to feel a bit different. As they got squeezed in, they could hear a little… You know the sounds little squishies make? Like a dog toy.

Ari

Oh, do I know what…

Hallie

I don’t want to be turned into a stuffed animal.

Tom

No, you can’t. Don’t do it. No.

Hallie

I don’t wanna be Alma’d.

Tom

No, not Alma’d. Don’t Alma us.

Hallie

Don’t do that to us. Don’t do that to us!

Tom

Don’t fucking Alma us. No!

Hallie

You can’t Alma us in the same episode that Hilda is just flying off into the sun. This is not an appropriate tone.

Tom

Don’t you fucking dare Alma us.

Ari

If the party gets split, there are several ways to get the party back together, and this is definitely one of them.

Emily

Do I get any advantages?

Kyle

It’s Books, so it’s searching. I don't know if you’ve got any skills that give you advantage.

Emily

But! I have brain connection with my Necromon. Does that count for anything?

Kyle

Alright, I’ll give you advantage on that. It’s like your Spidey Sense. You notice that the connection seems to be fading almost. It’s muffled.

Emily

Nooo!

Hallie

Nooo! No it’s not, Kyle! Stop with your lies.

Emily

[Rolls.] I rolled a 7.

Tom

It’s great. We’ll be on the high shelf that Irene has to reach way up for.

Hallie

[Amused but pained.] Yay~

Kyle

You notice that, next to the Boidelrat plush on the high shelf, is three Mossies, a Pokeyo, and a Mallea. Boidelrat actually notices too.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

And starts looking around for her friends.

Emily

[Flatly.] I thought he only stole my soul if I lost.

Hallie

[Pained.] Aww!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Tense magical ambience begins.]

Kyle

Quique, you’re in your mind, presumably. It’s almost like, you know those dream states where colors are kind of blurred, it would be very artistic if we were doing a visual medium. You’re in this space and you’re hearing that beautiful song you heard earlier and you’re feeling the emotions that you felt earlier.

[Music transitions to music box music.]

Ari

While he is there, he is once again having the Luigi cry emotions. They are overwhelming emotions of pride, like “oh, I’m so proud of my little girl” kind of thing, like a parent that’s super proud of how far they’ve come, and it’s just really overwhelming. That’s what he felt also during the concert, and that is the retcon, that is why he was Luigi crying.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

But it’s all fabricated.

Kyle

It’s a beautiful song, really.

Ari

So proud of this song. It’s so pretty.

Kyle (as ???)

So what did you think, Yeyo?

[Music returns to tense magical ambience.]

Kyle

In the crowd, a man turns around. He’s a very young-looking man with catlike eyes, foxlike ears, and a little closed eyelid on his forehead, but notably this is not the Mateo that you saw right before he left because he also has a long mullet and a wide mustache that he was wearing many, many years ago. He points, and instead of seeing the stage you now see an old big CRT monitor from let’s say the 70s. You’re seeing this news report of a young girl who recently entered Necropolis.

Mateo looks at you and he starts scratching his head a little bit and pacing. He paces when he has anxious energy, and he starts scratching near that little eyelid when he starts feeling intrigue. Mateo was a vampire, and I don't know if I mentioned this before, vampires feed on things other than blood. They are people who died starving and they feed on whatever they died starving for.

[00:25:00]

In his case, he feeds on intrigue. So, he’s scratching near that eye and he says:

Kyle (as Mateo)

I just… I think this could be worth a shot.

[Music ends.]

Ari

I have a question. Is this sort of like a flashback dream? AKA, if Quique is reflected from that TV, would he have a different appearance that I can explain?

Kyle

Oh! You got the mullet too, baby!

Ari

Oh, no, I was gonna say he had giant long luscious hair.

Kyle

Oh god. Yes, beautiful. He’s still a skeleton, though, but with long beautiful flowing hair. Yeah, absolutely.

Ari

Perfect, and a big nice composed beard.

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, I guess we always talked of getting a kid. Is that kind of what you were talking about?

Kyle

Mateo paces back and forth.

Kyle (as Mateo)

I’m definitely not “not” talking about it.

Ari (as Quique)

You know, it’s a big change. I know I also want it, but you know, we have to think it through.

Kyle

Mateo brushes your worries away with an excited hand.

Kyle (as Mateo)

Of course, of course, but…

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, she seems like she kind of needs somebody.

[Tense magical ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Mateo)

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes, and I just think it would be something new, something fascinating…

Kyle

He turns over and you can see the eye on his forehead has opened up and there’s just some fire emanating from it.

Kyle (as Mateo)

I think it would be very intriguing.

Kyle

The scene changes again and you see the sad little girl on the screen, the little baby siren. She’s now in front of you wagging her little snake fin bottom looking up at you.

Kyle (as Xochi)

Please, papi~?

Ari (as Quique)

Ugh, I still don’t know how to say no to you. Literally, I kind of can’t.

Ari

Then he’ll give her a little lollipop.

Ari (as Quique)

Before dinner, you’re not supposed to have this. It’s the last time, the last time you can use this for that. You have to learn to wait and to not rely on these things to get what you want.

Kyle (as Xochi)

Gracias, papi~! Last time.

Kyle

She takes the lollipop and she sticks it inside of what’s a bouquet of other lollipops that she has gotten from you.

Ari

God.

Kyle

The scene changes again. It’s still your house, but what was once a very adult, composed space full of serious adult things is now full of toys and treats and drawings and book reports from a whole host of kids with a whole host of bodies and a whole host of ages. The kids themselves are not around in your living room right now. While nighttime might not really exist in Necropolis, bedtime certainly still does. There are a series of other kids, they’re now asleep in their respective rooms, but Mateo is in the corner pacing back and forth.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Mateo)

She’s late. She’s late. She is very, very late.

Ari

Quique is not pacing but he’s just sitting on the couch moving his leg in an anxious-repressed kind of thing as he’s just waiting and looking at his pocket watch. He’s just constantly looking at it.

[The watch ticks steadily.]

Ari (as Quique)

Are you sure she said 2 AM? Maybe she said 3? You know, maybe we got the time wrong.

Kyle (as Mateo)

Yes. Yes. Time wrong… time wrong. Yeyo, isn’t it 6 AM?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… is it? Yeah, yeah-no, it is. Who am I kidding, yeah, My clock has never been broken. It’s actually 7 AM.

[The ticking ends.]

Kyle

The door cracks open, and you hear little feet trying to shuffle.

Ari (as Quique)

I can hear you. We all can.

Kyle

You see this little ghost boy, which we’ll say this one has feet. They don’t always have feet but this boy has feet. He turns over to you with the door open, and you can see his eyes almost seem to have a hypnotism from it. You realize Xochi wasn’t trying to get into the house, David was trying to get out.

Kyle (as David)

I’m sorry. I gotta get to the concert.

Kyle

And he runs out and slams the door as Mateo starts anxiously scratching near his eye again.

[The ticking resumes.]

Ari (as Quique)

That is worse than I thought. Okay, we need to divide and conquer. Well, I don't think she’s gonna come back right now, because apparently there’s a concert, but I guess in case she comes back do you want to stay? I am gonna—

Ari

And he’s gonna put on his coat and start to raise.

Ari (as Quique)

Somebody has to stay and prevent other kids from leaving. We don’t want all of our children to just go out, but then we also need to kind of stop this. Right?

[00:30:00]

[The watch ticking ends.]

Kyle

The scratching stops and Mateo, who normally would fight you on this being like “no, no, I gotta go, it’s intrigue, it’s interesting,” just says:

Kyle (as Mateo)

Now. Go now.

Ari (as Quique)

We’ll talk later about all this, but sure.

Ari

And then he will leave.

[Tense magical ambience plays, alongside Xochi singing.]

Kyle

And you’re back at the concert again, but this time you look around you and you see a, looking the same age, but much younger Xochi sitting there singing to the crowd again. You look around, and you see David with his eyes just watching mesmerized as she sings at this concert. You see all of the other kiddos you picked up along the way.

Ari

God, no.

Kyle

Including, right to the side of you, Ariel.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

And that’s when the vision disappears and you see only white.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

As Quique acclimates to the weird white brain space, he hears some strange words that say only… “hi, I’m Kyle, here for the announcement break.”

I hope you’re enjoying this episode and the additional time we have spent with Xochi who has no relationship to the Mexican politician Xóchitl running for President. We’re only mentioning that person because we like Xóchitl, we think she’s pretty cool. We’re not gonna officially endorse a Mexican presidential candidate in the announcement break of one of our episodes, because that’s just a weird thing to do, but we like her. Xóchitl is pretty cool.

You know what’s also cool? The new Under the Neighborhood expansion! You might have caught on already, if you own Under the Neighborhood, that some of the descriptors and moves we’ve been mentioning aren’t in the core rulebook. That’s because I made a brand new expansion called Under the Neighborhood: Character Options, that includes two new playbooks, the Slapstick, which is what Mr. Monday is, and the Magical Girl, as well as eight additional descriptors.

Now, there are three ways you can get this expansion. You can go on DriveThruRPG or itch.io and get it for about ten bucks or so. You can also back our Patreon at the $10 level and get all of our previous expansions that we’ve made for Under the Neighborhood, because I make about every month an additional rule or descriptor or something like that, or you could… subscribe to our newsletter.

[Game show music begins.]

That’s right! This is still a newsletter advertisement! The Quest Friends! Newsletter releases a new bit of Quest Friends! Goodness to your email inbox every month. This includes updates on new episodes, news reports—not like Xóchitl presidential news, more like we’re doing a live show news—additional bits of world building in Necromonicon entries, and just my own random thoughts, things that I think are neat. Additionally, if you subscribe, you get free complimentary access to the Under the Neighborhood: Character Options.

[Music ends.]

[Laughs.] Okay. That ad for our newsletter aside, I want to thank David S. Dear again for coming in to voice a new character who you’ll hear at the end of this episode, and if you like that character and the wonderful voice acting that is related to it, you can check out David S. Dear’s stuff, as well as again our newsletter, down in the description.

We’re gonna have a couple of special episodes the next few weeks. Next week, on Christmas Day, we’re gonna have a new Hallmarked, and then the week after that we’re gonna be trying out a new behind-the-scenes bonus podcast called Rest Friends. But, if you’d like additional stories, podcasts, or behind-the-scenes insights, you can check out Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there, or again, at our newsletter. Please subscribe to our newsletter… Okay, bye.

[Silly ambling music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

Sparky, you similarly see only white, and by that I mean you see these white dude-bros in crop tops and polos with cargo shorts and the really bleached-blonde hair.

Hallie

UGH! Great. Great. Wow, yeah, they look great.

Kyle (as “Jakes”)

Hey! Hey, what’s going on? Hey! Hey. Oh hey, I think this MILF called for us, right?

Ari

God. Why? No!

[Giggling.]

[00:35:00]

Hallie

I cover Yunuen’s ears.

Ari

I truly hope that she doesn’t know what it means.

Kyle

Roll Take Action.

Emily

Yunuen’s gonna go home and ask Quique what MILF means.

Hallie

Is this a Fierce?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

[Rolls.] I got a 5.

Kyle

Take an AP.

Hallie

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Quique. This isn’t my fault. I have another AP!

Kyle

Yunuen looks up at you, confused, and cocks her head. You hear little muttering to herself, and she has cemented, as a core memory, that Sparky is a MILF.

[Music ends.]

Ari

No, please.

Hallie

No! Not a core memory! Nooo! No, no, no! No… no!

Emily

[Amused.] Sparky is a MILF.

Hallie

No! Fuck these dice, I’m switching.

Emily

I can’t wait for Quique to be told.

Kyle (as “Jakes”)

Oh man! Oh man, there’s a kid there. She’s a literal MILF.

Oh, that’s so much hotter!

Ari

Whaaat?

Hallie (as Sparky)

First of all, in your dreams.

Kyle

One of them winks when you say “in your dreams.”

Hallie

God damn it! God damn it. I didn’t spend any of my time not playing thinking of a plan, so…

Kyle

You do hear Hilda scream, so you know she is being carried away from you.

Hallie

She’s fine.

Kyle

In fact, we’re gonna say—

Hallie

She’s fine!

Kyle

Yeah. It’s flying away, luckily away from people, but it is flying towards the floats.

Emily (as Booker)

[Upset.] Rekoooob!

Kyle

Yeah, and Booker’s still with the fucking bird I guess.

Emily

Can I be fighting the bird?

Kyle

Yeah, roll me Take a Swing.

Hallie

Yeah, fight the bird.

Emily

I’m fighting the bird!

Tom

Fight the bird. Fight the bird.

Emily

Fight the bird!

Tom

Kyle, this better not turn into how Appa was kidnapped in Season 2.

Hallie

[Shrieks.] We just don’t have Booker for several episodes.

Emily

[Rolls.] I rolled a 4.

Kyle

The bird is winning.

Emily

Yeah…

Kyle

I’m not elaborating beyond that.

Hallie

Okay. I’d like to make them go away by—

Kyle

I will tell you, 90% odds, whatever you try, they will think it’s hot.

Hallie

Yeah, that sucks. Okay, I think I just want to do the simple thing which is yell…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look, craft beer!

Hallie

…and point over there and make them run towards the craft beer as an A+ Scooby Doo distraction, and then I just yoink Yunuen behind me to the van that I have summoned that is now coming down the street.

Kyle

You know what? I’m gonna let you succeed.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle (as “Jakes”)

What? Kraft beer?!

Kyle

It’s craft, but it’s—

Hallie

It’s Kraft with a K.

Kyle

Yeah, it’s Kraft brand. It tastes like mac and cheese.

Hallie

[Laughs.] It’s mac and cheese, but that’s okay because it’s a manly sophisticated beer. You know, a woman could never appreciate it.

Kyle (as “Jakes”)

What a manly sophisticated beer!

Yeah, a woman could never understand this!

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s why you’re single, probably!

Hallie

That was a self-dunk. Sparky’s almost single.

Kyle (as “Jakes”)

You could fix that!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

[Smirking.] Kyle, you know what they would say. “I can fix that.”

[Fast-paced jazzy music begins.]

Hallie

So, the I-Fell Tower is bungee cords, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Are they big enough to use with a van?

Emily

So you’re gonna slingshot a van into a child?

Hallie

That’s correct. Well, with the doors open.

Tom

The poor dragon.

Hallie

And I’m leaving this other child on the ground.

Tom

What about the poor dragon Necromon?

Hallie

Oh, I forgot you were on the dragon. Never mind, that’s not even important. I’m just driving. I’m just driving the van to land where Hilda can also land.

Kyle

Okay, yeah-yeah-yeah. What seat is Yunuen in?

Hallie

The back seat, because that’s where you put kids, and she’s wearing two seatbelts. I don't know where I got the second one from, but it’s there.

Kyle

It’s just on the other seat. You whipped it—it’s reaching all the way across.

Hallie

All the way across. I whipped out those cushy helmets and like a life jacket even though she’s not in water. She is comically bundled up in my car even though now I’m just driving, I’m not bungee slingshotting.

Kyle

Alright, and you’re just gonna drive?

Hallie

I’m just gonna drive. Are Hilda and Booker going the same direction?

Tom

I’m going to say no based on what happened before.

Kyle

Yeah, Hilda’s moving, Booker is just alone in the air.

Emily

Fighting a bird and losing.

Kyle

Fighting a bird.

Hallie

Alright. Booker is in more immediate danger, and Hilda likes Booker.

Emily

Is he?!

Tom

I say yes, Booker is in more danger.

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

The dragon isn’t fighting Hilda. It’s just chilling.

Hallie

Right. The dragon isn’t gonna tear—and Hilda’s also not made of paper, with a bird that has claws.

Emily

Oh yeah.

Kyle

Booker’s gonna have some bad flashbacks after this. Remember, before the pages were ripped out, you remember seeing a winged shadowy claw swipe down at you.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Yeah, this is gonna have some…

Kyle

Booker’s gonna need book therapy. Unfortunately, the only person who can talk to Necromon is Irene.

Emily

[Amused.] Don’t send him to Irene.

Kyle

There’s our new short story, Counselor Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

When you feel sad, crunch it up inside like a piece of paper and pretend you aren’t.

Tom

[Emotional.] No…!

Hallie

Okay, I want to use AP again.

Kyle

Okay.

[00:40:00]

Hallie

You know how in Be Cool, Scooby Doo, the inexplicably best version of Scooby Doo, the Mystery machine will sometimes just have a crossbow or can turn into a submarine or all of these things? I would like a safe grappling hook net thing I can use to grab Booker. The flavor of this is that I’m mad that Jake Hell didn’t hear me and all these other fucking Jakes did.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Angry.] God, I was just gonna ask if you had like a fucking trampoline or something useful. What did you put in this CAR?!

Hallie

She’s just mad. She knows there are useful things, but now I’m pressing buttons to see if there are any more useful things that I’ve missed, and lo and behold, this, it’s this. I spend an AP to have this.

Kyle

Yeah, so you’re just gonna press a random button?

Hallie

Yeah. I’m gonna press a random button and it’s gonna be exactly what I need because I’m panicked, however, I’m a lucky panicker.

Kyle

I want you to roll Help Somebody because you’re helping Booker and that’s Heart. I feel like you just gotta put all your heart into mashing these buttons.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoooob~!

Hallie

Okay. I’m putting all my heart into mashing these buttons. I have a +2 to my Heart today. Oh-ho-ho.

[Rolls.] I got 6.

Kyle

[Smiling.] What the fuck are these rolls?!

Hallie

I don't know! I haven’t rolled this badly in such a long time, and now it’s important because I want to protect Yunuen and save Booker from being torn apart.

Tom

This is where we all die.

Hallie

By a bird. And I want to save Hilda from being splattered on the ground, but my stupid fucking dice won’t let that happen.

[Slams her dice on the table.] Where’s my dice jail? I haven’t even needed it in so long.

Kyle

Take an AP.

Hallie

Yay.

Kyle

You look back at Yunuen to make sure she’s safe and okay, right?

Hallie

Yeah, absolutely, 100%.

Kyle

There’s a whoosh and she’s gone, and you think “oh no, I hit the passenger ejector seat.”

Hallie

In the back seat? No!

Kyle

But then you feel the wind and you’re like, wait, ejector seats don’t go down. Sparky Malarky, you are also now in the air. Congratulations.

Ari

I think Kyle should be forbidden from reading the messages in the chat.

Hallie

[Laughs, unable to form words.]

Kyle

Yeah, this was Ari’s idea.

Hallie

I can fix this! I can fix this.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Emily (as Irene)

Did you steal my Necromon?

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Me? Did I steal your Necromon? No, you’re trying to steal my Necromon. You’re trying to steal it through bad play. I was talking about the soulstice and the moons and the… oh, alright, that’s a three minute time window now. So, let’s just do another spin. Hey!

Emily

Irene slams her hand on the counter.

Emily (as Irene)

[Emphatic.] Did you steal my Necromon?

Kyle

Roll Convince Somebody with Fierce. You’re gonna try to intimidate.

Emily

Fierce, yes. Well, I have 3 Fierce.

[Rolls.] Two sixes. Maleta.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

Oh my god. We got a roll. We got a critical success.

Ari

At long last.

Emily

Yes, and it’s intimidation.

Hallie

It’s been 84 years.

Kyle

It’s been so long.

Emily

Not saving anyone in danger.

Kyle

Everyone else has rolled a failure or mixed success except for the time Quique rolled a success and it ended up being a critical failure.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Irene’s theme begins.]

Kyle

So, what are you trying to convince him of with intimidation? You can either make that effect bigger, you can gain an AP, you just get a big major effect.

Emily

I want something about this force of will to allow my Necromon to escape or at least have an advantage to escape. What I want to convince him of is to give me back my Necromon and maybe throw in a Boidelrat. Irene is willing to climb on the table to reach her Necromon.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Well, you know, no need to get—Hey, whoa!

Kyle

And you stand on the table. You’re still like three feet smaller than him, but he’s more intimidated.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Calm—Calm down now.

Kyle

And he backs against the cage, and it rattles the cage. You can feel the restraints loosen, the rest of you. The squeaky toyness goes away and you start becoming and feeling more like yourselves. You’re not free, but you’re loose enough that you’re not tight to it.

Emily

Can I crouch down intimidatingly on his counter?

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Oh god, you’re so small! So small!

[Laughter.]

Emily

I was trying to be like, you know, where you lean down at someone, but the problem is that he’s still taller.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Why are you looking at my shoes? My eyes are up here!

Emily (as Irene)

I’m thinking about stealing them. An eye for an eye.

Emily

She stands back up, doesn’t make the pained noise that she wants to make, and does it very…

[00:45:00]

Kyle

Your knees just snap, crunch.

Emily

[Strained.] …fluidly, and comfortably, and nothing hurts.

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

You move like my grandma zombie.

Emily

[Invigorated.] Irene will get into the booth!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He backs up.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kyle

And his arm goes back behind him and it hits the cage and he grabs onto it. His other hand grabs onto the side, so now both of them are gripping the back and the rest of you can feel the restraints loosen a bit more.

[Tense music begins.]

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

No need to be hasty. No need to be hasty. Why don’t we just… Hear me out. Why don’t we just finish the game in the next one minute?

[Clears his throat.] The next one minute or so, give or take, again, 30 seconds. After that, the moons align, and you grab one of your mon, and you hug it close, and maybe you stitch it together and you make another—

Emily (as Irene)

I think tables—

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

You make another super strong mon.

Hallie

Yeah, flip them.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

You know, explore deeper into the Afterworlds, and rom there maybe meet some mysterious figures and have a good time. You know, go to the deepest layers and… [Mumbles.]

Emily (as Irene)

I think tables should have been part of your plan, because otherwise things are not going according to your plan, because I am turning the tables.

Emily

She says, very coolly and not awkwardly at all.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Was that like a one-liner?

Emily (as Irene)

You’re going to give me that Boidelrat, and you’re going to give me my Necromon, and I am going to leave with my soul.

[Music resumes.]

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

With your soul? I don't know what you’re talking about. No need to be so avaricious about it. Just playing the game for the game, right?

Emily (as Irene)

You’re not playing the game for the game. Why should I?

Kyle

Another leg backs up against the cage.

Emily

I would like… Does he have a chair?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

I would like to take his chair, put it up against the cage, climb up and start unhooking my Necromon and the Boidelrat.

Kyle

The cage starts rattling.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Come on, come on, come on.

Kyle

And Rube, who you see hasn’t moved from his spot, and in fact his last leg is against the wall too… his head just turned to you.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Come on, come on, come on. Come on, kid, there’s… Ugh, you know, going down such an avaricious route is a bad idea.

Emily

I unhook the next Necromon.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Come on. Come on!

Kyle

And the rattling is more.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

You can’t do this to me. You can’t do this to me!

Emily

Also, as they get down, can they start charging up intimidatingly?

[Music changes to monster rising music.]

Pokeyo has their electric thing, and Mallea can get big.

Kyle

If everyone else wants to do that, yeah.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

Sure.

Hallie

Absolutely.

Kyle

Boidelrat is…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

…but you know, wagging really excited, doesn’t get what’s going on.

Emily

Happy for her.

Kyle

Until she starts sniffing by his leg.

Emily

And then I wanna get Mossies.

Kyle

Alright. Mossies, you fall out. The little zip ties around you are gone. That’s when…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

…you realize, Irene, that Boidelrat is saying “ties, ties” and Rube Goldberg looks at you.

Kyle (as Rube Goldberg)

Come on. Come on. Just play my game. Just play it a little bit more. Because I don’t want to play anymore!

Hallie

Aww.

Kyle

As he says that, the final zip tie disappears from Mossies, wraps itself around another part of Rube Goldberg’s arms, and with a little doggy toy squeak… his pleading eyes are there but they are now soulless.

[Music ends.]

Tom

Ooh…

Hallie

Well, we killed a man.

Ari

[Chuckles.] Great.

Tom

Murder is okay.

Hallie

Murder’s okay. Murder’s fine. It’s fine! It’s fine.

Emily

Irene looks at him and then looks around, like “did anybody see that.”

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Roll me Sneak.

Emily

No! She’s in that “I need an adult” state of mind.

Kyle

Alright, we’ll do an anti-Sneak. Roll me Sneak, but the  higher you roll the more you’re noticed.

Emily

Wait. Will I get in trouble?

Kyle

Oh, that’s a good point.

Emily

Okay, then I want to Sneak.

[Rolls.] Two fives.

Kyle

[Chuckling.] Yeah, nobody notices you.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[Conspicuous whistling.]

Tom

God.

Kyle

Just hands behind your back, whistling.

Emily

I would like to unhook all of the prizes except him.

Kyle

They’re still prizes.

Emily

It was just in case.

Kyle

Yeah, you know, you know. But Boidelrat snuggles up, Boidelrat is very excited.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

And you hear a gentle:

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib… Tarledoib.

Kyle

You can’t make out what she’s saying, but it’s “brother, I missed you.”

[00:50:00]

Emily

[Sobbing.] Aww~!

Hallie

Aww. “Sibling!”

Emily

I then would like to get as far as possible away while still being able to reach. Maybe hold up the Mossies.

Emily (as Irene)

Just leave a little bit, just so we can get far enough away.

Emily

I’m struggling with figuring out if Irene would… because then it would be inflicting the soul-stealing on other people. Maybe she’ll just wait out the minute, release him and run away.

Tom

The Mossies will do the nibble to delay it so it’ll snap off in a bit after we run away.

Emily

Yeah. So really, what Irene is setting up is a little bit of that overcomplicated mechanism. She’s learned.

Kyle

[Laughs.] You cut off most of it and then you flee to go back to the Die Hop. We see Rube Goldberg’s arm. It’s dangled next to the Wheel of Life machine which you can then see is connected to a pachinko machine that when you go into one of the holes sets off a firework that in the distance would light a fuse which would then explode, drop a drawbridge, which would then hit a lever, knocking over a basketball which would go into a hoop which would cause an audience to cheer, and that sound would break some glass which would then cut the other thing on his leg, freeing him.

With a slump, the entire doll body just misses all of that, flumps to the ground, and holding a beer, holding a Kraft beer, one of the Jakes walks up, sees this corpse’s corpse, and screams.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

You know what? I tried. It’s out of my hands. Irene really does need an adult now.

Hallie

This is what happens when you leave children unsupervised.

Emily

They kill people?

Hallie

They trap men in stuffed animals!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Frantic swing music begins.]

Kyle

We’re gonna go back to Hilda and Sparky. We’re gonna do a very simple Confrontation. For the sake of time, we’re gonna do 3 and 3, because there are three of you. Your goal, if it’s fair to say, is to not hit the ground super-hard. The monster in this case is gravity. Gravity’s goal is for you to hit the ground super-hard. How do you defeat gravity?

Hallie

Kyle, as a connoisseur of culture, you are familiar with the opening to Sonic Adventure 2.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I’d like to do that, because I have a seat. So, unlike Hilda and Booker, I have an implement launched into the sky with me, so I want to navigate to the I-Fell Tower and slide down it with my ejected seat.

Kyle

Are you unbuckling and then standing on it like a skateboard?

Hallie

That’s correct, yeah. Sonic Adventure 2. That’s where I was going with that. Yeah, I’m Sonic Adventuring 2 down. And I have 4 AP, so can I just do it? 

Kyle

You can. You can spend 2 AP to just do it.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Yay! I wanna do that because I also want to help Hilda and Booker, because you could say this is Sparky’s fault.

Emily

You could indeed say that.

Hallie

She needs to fix this problem and I would like very much to do that.

Emily

So, what’s happening with Yunuen?

Kyle

She’s just in the car on the ground.

Hallie

Yeah, no, I’m getting to that. I am going to get the car back. It’s fine.

Emily

So, for a while, both children will be unsupervised.

Ari

Correct.

Hallie

[Stammers.] You know, just for a short time.

Emily

Just checking.

Tom

God.

Hallie

Hang on. I have to think about how this would actually work.

Emily

Do you?

Hallie

Instead of just being a thing I want to do.

Emily

Is that the Sparky Malarky way?

Hallie

So I’m skating down the I-Fell Tower. I’d really like to use the bungee to launch myself back into the air, but it’s controlled this time. That’s when I yoink Hilda and Booker and then land on my van and do a parallel park.

Kyle

… You’re lucky we have 16 minutes left.

Hallie

Yeah, I know. I know I am. I’m leveraging that.

Kyle

Roll with advantage to see if you can skip this Confrontation.

Tom

Do it. Redeem yourself, Sparky Malarky.

Hallie

[Rolls. Laughs.] God fucking damn it!

Tom

Did you roll three ones?

Hallie

God! No, I rolled a 3 and two ones.

Tom

God!

[Music ends.]

Ari

I’m glad the situation is somehow worse than when we started.

Hallie

How did this get worse?! This got so much worse!

Kyle

I’m gonna shift away.

Hallie

Oh no, don’t do that to me.

Emily (as Booker)

[Growing more distant.] Rekoooob…

Hallie

Don’t do that to me. No, no, no!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Tense magical ambience begins.]

Kyle

Quique, you’ve been floating in this ethereal white brain space for a while, and you can literally see your own thoughts in front of you. Describe Quique in this space.

Ari

I think it would be just very echoey. If there’s a word phrase in there, it would just be “where did we go wrong.”

[00:55:00]

Emily

Aww.

Ari

As he’s just very tiny, surrounded by that phrase. Maybe occasionally shifting from “we” to “I.”

Emily

Awww.

Kyle

Similar to the colorful Worlds’ Fair, the letters are illuminating and they’re becoming incandescent and shining down on you with their oppressive light. “I go wrong, I go wrong, I go… I, I, I…”

And the “I” turns into a long “aaaaaah,” and you could swear you see something in the distance, a little twinkle, and you see something in your brain space hurdling towards you with this giant “aah” related to you.

Tom

What?!

Kyle

Quique, you wake up a split-second before Sparky Malarky, in a car seat, with Booker in one arm and Hilda in the other…

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

…smashes into you.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Not like this.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoooob!

Hallie

Not like this! I don’t have Yunuen, Kyle! I don’t have Yunuen!

Kyle

Knocking you unconscious again.

Hallie

Oh, he’s unconscious, thank god. Okay.

Kyle

“Someone get Yunuen! Someone get Yunuen! She’s still with the car!”

Hallie

I’m going back to get Yunuen!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as sous chef)

[Terrible French accent.] Oh-ho-ho, who wants crepes? Crepes with the Franch.

Emily

[Giggling.] Crepes with the Franch?

Kyle

[Accented.] With the French!

Tom

That’s your Philippe Égalité?

Kyle

[Accented.] It’s the French ranch. I might change the voice, who knows. Oh-ho-ho!

Ari

Oh my god, why is this?

[Diner rockabilly music begins.]

Kyle

This headless sous chef with a little mustache where his neck should be is flipping crepes like pancakes.

Hallie

You can’t change the voice. You can’t. You can’t do that to me.

Kyle

[Accented.] Oh-ho, oh-ho-ho.

As you’re in the corner, Irene…

Tom

I regret my choices.

Kyle

…just as far away from people as possible in the little book nook, and the door opens up with a little ding-ding. You see Sparky and Hilda holding just a pile of Quique’s bones.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

After taking a moment to process where he is and that Sparky is there, his first line is gonna be:

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Where’s Yuna?

Hallie

Wait. I would have immediately gone off. I would not be around Quique if I did not also have Yunuen.

Kyle

Yeah, no. She’ll poke her head around and smile at your head.

Hallie

Oh thank Christ, okay.

Ari

Oh, okay.

Hallie

Oh thank criminy. Oh thank sweet potatoes. Okay.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

She’s right there. She’s right there. It’s fine, it’s fine. She’s gonna have anything she wants to eat.

Ari (as Quique)

No. No, no, no.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s my treat. That’s right. And then she’ll tell you all about how many good things happened later.

Kyle

She nods her head excitedly, and you start hearing the little mumbling sound again that she was making. You realize it’s the same sound she made when she was trying to figure out “MILF.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

No! Ha-ha. Like, uh, um… you know, uh…

Hallie

Sparky’s hand goes over her mouth briefly.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ha-ha-ha, you know, why don’t you eat? Because you can’t talk while you eat. So how about we just do that first?

Kyle (as sous chef)

Oh-ho-ho, have anything you want on the menu. We’ve got all sorts of things. We’ve got waffles that are crepes. We’ve got paninis that are crepes. And we’ve got crepes… that are crepes.

Hallie

[Squeaks in delight.]

Emily

Irene has killed one man today, and she looks like she wishes she could kill another.

Tom

Hilda just thousand-yard-stares, points at the regular crepes.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as sous chef)

Oh-ho-ho.

Kyle

He doesn’t wink, but he moves—because he’s headless, but he moves his torso in such a way that you think he’s doing the body gesture version of a wink.

Kyle (as sous chef)

A bold and irregular choice.

Emily

Booker’s pages are all ruffled and crumpled, and he’s like…

Hallie

Shaking, like the Pik Pik.

Kyle

Okay. You all spend some time in Die Hop, but I want to focus on Quique for a second. Quique, you’re with everyone for a little, but…

Ari

He has been kind of off. Other than asking Sparky instinctively where is the child he left Sparky with, other than that he has been pretty quiet and just not super engaging other than putting himself together, because he got scattered. Other than that, he has not interacted much, or yelled at Sparky as much as he would have in other circumstances.

Hallie

Thank god.

Kyle

How long does it take Ariel not returning for you to get worried?

Hallie

Oh no.

Ari

Oh, no, he’s already worried. He has been looking for any opportunity to sneak off without alerting anybody, because he doesn’t want anybody to be involved in this.

Kyle

Do we wanna roll a competitive Sneak or just let Quique do it?

[01:00:00]

Hallie

So, ugh… I want to roll competitive if only because, like, I think Sparky would notice because she’s trying so hard to hide her own adventures from Quique that she’s focused on Quique. So, she’s gonna be like, wow, Quique is not grilling me quite as much as I thought he would be. What’s up with him?

Kyle

Alright, roll competing Sneak, but I want, instead of Slick, Sparky, I want you to use Heart.

Hallie

Yay. Okay.

Emily

[Indignant.] I want to know things about Quique.

Kyle

You’re too traumatized by killing a man.

Ari

Your first blood is always the hardest.

[Rolls.] Hang on. What is…? Oh, I got scared, because I rolled a 9, but for a second I thought it was two fives again. No, it is a 9, plus 2, so it is an 11.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Twelve.

Ari

No!

Hallie

It’s not a maleta, it’s just a 10 plus 2.

Ari

But like, incorrect. That’s like one above me.

Hallie

Yeah, exactly. That makes me happier that it’s just one above you. I needed this win, Ari. I needed a win.

Ari

I also needed a win. I’ve been rolling failures.

Hallie

Ha! Okay, that’s also… I guess that’s true.

Kyle

Quique, you sneak outside with only the faint sounds of the fair and the (burbling/flapping) of Die Hop’s inflatable waggling ram mascot Necromon thing to keep you company. Before you can fully escape, you hear the door open behind you.

[A door chime rings.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

You tried the, uh, onion ring crepes? They’re crepes but they’re onion rings.

Ari

Quique, without turning around, just like… If this was an anime scene, it would be like those dark lines on the eyes, like when Ash is like “go, Pikachu,” and things like that. It would look like that.

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky, I know what you’re trying to do, but I really need to be going right now. Plus, you know I don’t eat. You’ve followed me around long enough to know that I don’t eat crepes and stuff. Yuna is still with you, so regardless of what you did I guess you did keep her, so… you and the other kids, take care of her as I just go and try to not lose another one tonight.

Ari

And he will try to leave.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Where’s Ariel?

Ari (as Quique)

That is what I’m trying to figure out.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hard to keep track of those pesky kids, isn’t it?

Ari (as Quique)

It’s harder than you think.

Ari

He’s gonna have this sad anime smile as he just turns to her.

Ari (as Quique)

But, I really need to, you know… I don't know what I’m gonna do, but I know that I need to not be here. Just take good care of the kid.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, so this sounds very much like an indefinite goodbye speech. Look, I respect your right to privacy… Sorry, I’m not used to saying that sentence. I respect your right to privacy. If you want to go off alone to deal with whatever…

Hallie

She gestures to all of him.

Hallie (as Sparky)

…this is, that’s fine. I will take Yunuen. I’m a really responsible babysitter now. That is fine.

[Tender music begins.]

But you know, in the courtroom before the whole trial with Lucas and everything, you said that I didn’t have to do it alone. So, I’m letting you know that you don’t have to do it alone. You know, whatever it is, because I still don’t actually know what it is. But again, you have a right to privacy and keeping everything interesting in your life. Like, wildly interesting. I cannot stress enough how interesting your life is. It’s your life, it’s your problem, but… I am here with my onion rings—sorry, my onion ring crepes, and the kids, and I can be wherever you need me to be.

Ari

He’s not good at expressing things, so he’s not going to show it super well, but he did feel pleasantly surprised at Sparky saying “I respect your privacy,” because that is a big step for Sparky Malarky to say.

Hallie

Oh, it’s huge.

Ari

So, he’s gonna be like:

Ari (as Quique)

See, part of why I never really told you things is because it’s just… I’m not really a sharer. You know? I don’t really share things. It’s kind of hard. So, this is no exception, but I will say that you’re really good at snooping, so I can just pretend I’m going to be doing it alone and you can snoop close in, at a close distance, if you want to. You know, casually be nearby if you want to. Casually do your reporting, investigative abilities to coincidentally maybe help if you happen to be in the vicinity, you know, as you always just happen to be by my house when things happened.

[01:05:00]

So, I’m giving you the chance to do it. If it wasn’t hard for me to share things, I guess this would be a thank you.

Ari

And he’s just gonna grab an onion ring despite him not being able to eat it, and really slowly walk away, but slowly in the way of, like, I am waiting for you to follow me.

Hallie

Sparky would probably finish off the last onion ring, throw the carton behind her like she did with the fire extinguisher earlier, and be like:

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Lucky for you…

Hallie

The finger guns are included. I’m doing finger guns right now, for the listeners.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Lucky for you, happening to be around the vicinity is one of my very best skills. So, I’m gonna go settle our tab and you’ll probably see me later.

Ari

He will smile at her.

Ari (as Quique)

I probably will.

Kyle

I’m not gonna do a GM Intrusion for this, because it’s not actually bad, but Sparky, you turn and FWAMP, immediately hit against something.

[Deep chimes ring.]

This thing isn’t a wall or anything like this, it’s—

Emily

Soft and big and cuddly and muscly?

Hallie

No. I have important things to do. I can’t deal with this! Where were you when I needed you, Jake?! Where were you?!

David (as ???)

[Deep, powerful, ominous.] I have been called many things across the eons, but Jake is not a moniker I have borne.

Ari

What is happening?

Hallie

Wait. She did this to—? Who the fuck is this?

[Mournful, timeless music begins.]

Kyle

You look up and you see a massive cat with raven’s wings perched over its back.

Hallie

Okay, that does not—

Kyle

This cat is neither transparent nor black. Instead, it carries a dreamlike void with it wherever it goes. As it cocks its head in curiosity, you hear this deep ringing coming from a giant bell collar which weighs it down. As you look up, you see the stark void-like creature has a piercing white muzzle that covers everything except for its perceptive yellow eyes which ache under LED lights. It turns its cat eyes to you, Quique.

David (as cat creature)

I bear another delivery.

Ari (as Quique)

Now? Really? Now? Like, at this time? I mean, I know it’s not your—Okay.

Ari

He’s just gonna take it.

David (as cat creature)

I choose neither the time nor the place. I only knew them and shall know them again.

Ari (as Quique)

Regardless, the timing is pretty, pretty bad, but you know, I’m not one to argue. Of course, sir. So… thanks.

David (as cat creature)

It is my role to play.

Kyle

The giant cat nods its head respectfully at both of you.

David (as cat creature)

Señor Hueso Canaca. Miss Mueller.

Kyle

And this giant cat walks away, the stars within its void slowly blinking out one by one until no light is there and the bell is gone.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Sparky looks between where the cat thing was, and Quique, and then looks back to where the cat thing was, and back to Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

This is not related. This is a different thing. It is sort of related, I guess, but it’s not… There’s a lot of things. Not important.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Hallie

You can tell that it is killing her to say this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Pinched.] It’s your life, your right to privacy.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

I don’t need to know.

Ari (as Quique)

I’m pals with Death, okay?

Hallie

[Cackles.]

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Ari

Glad this killed Hallie. Glad…

Hallie

[Squeaks and shrieks.]

Kyle

Were this not the end of the adventure, I would end the episode there.

Hallie

[Squeaks and laughs.]

Ari

I don't know if Hallie will be able to continue the episode. Kyle, I am so sorry.

Kyle

Actually, no. On the ‘previously,’ I think I’m just gonna describe what happened. I don’t think there’s a better line to end on than I’m friends with Death, okay.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I don't know! Sparky’s response is:

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Breathy.] Oh god, of course you are.

--

Kyle

Does someone want to do a summary of last time?

Tom

I’ll do a summary. I’ve been yeeted into the fucking Afterlife sky.

[Laughter.]

[01:10:00]

There’s your summary.

--

Emily

I have a question. Do I have any agency in this situation?

Kyle

As Booker?

Emily

Yes.

Kyle

We’ll get back to the two of you in a second. They do have some things about Sparky that they want to say, because they are dudes in their 20s.

Hallie

[Sarcastic.] Oh, I love when men have things to say about me. Okay.

I have to process how I want to respond.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Tom

[Groans.]

Kyle

I like that Quique—we have this sad backstory of his hypnotic daughter, and then we have Sparky is a MILF.

Emily

It’s a different kind of hypnotism.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Um, okay, first of all—

Ari

[Smirking.] With “body language.”

Kyle

Body language!

Hallie

Body language! Ha!

--

Tom

[In a warbling Necromon voice.] “Laugh-rock! Laugh-rock…”

Kyle

I’m putting Charlie the Unicorn in as the voice. “Charlie~”

Hallie

Oh, I was hearing the Aflac duck. “Aflac. Aflac!”

Kyle

Oh, that’s also good. Okay, you do have to roll to Keep Your Cool to get on it, though.

--

Tom

I realized that my air conditioner is on and being picked up in my recording.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

I just realized that now, but it would have been going for at least when I was last speaking about the Mossies. I don't know when it started, and it just stopped right now. I’m so sorry. I would have turned it off before this, but A, I forgot, and B, I don't know how to turn this unit off. I haven’t figured that out yet.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

The Off button doesn’t DO anything.

Ari

I love these random problems you have occasionally.

Kyle

Hear me out. Slice of Life Complication for somebody, for Hilda. Hilda’s moms’ AC is blasting, but worse than that it’s blasting heat, and nobody knows why and nobody can stop it.

Tom

[Groaning.] Oh…

Ari

It’s like Tom’s heater in his old place.

Hallie

In his old apartment. The worst heating and cooling system.

Kyle

Tom’s old heater was possessed.

Hallie

Oh yeah.

Kyle

It groaned like the AC unit in The Brave Little Toaster.

Hallie

—Little Toaster! It did! I was thinking that!

Kyle

The one that fucking died.

Hallie

I was thinking that!

Tom

Ugh, that apartment building had some troubles.

--

Ari

Would his bones be kind of like bowling pins?

Kyle

[Laughs.] I’ll do a bowling pins sound effect.

Ari

Yes, correct.

Kyle

Anyone else want to say anything in this scene or we’ll move on?

Hallie

[Laughing.] No. I just want to go get Yunuen. I’m so upset.

Ari

Oh my god. Quique’s gonna just be—

Hallie

I’m so upset! Where is my calming jasmine tea?

Tom

Hilda’s in shock. She is not…

Hallie

Ugh!

Tom

She is not in an okay state of mind.

Hallie

God! How did this happen? Why did everything get so much worse from last session? For everybody.

Ari

Truly, what a connection. How did we go wrong? How did I go wrong? Followed by Sparky Malarky having those exact same thoughts as she’s falling into Quique.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Barreling through the air, holding a book and a child.

Ari

Truly, what a connection right here.

--

Tom

I’m glad that this will be our last session, everyone. It’s been a good run.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

“Well, gang…”

Ari

“It has been a great evening, everybody.” Starts playing the violin.

Emily

Our last session in the land of the living.

Hallie

We’re in the land of the dead already!

Tom

[Hums a violin tune.]

Ari

That is just the best way to get the party together. Almost the whole gang is here.

Kyle

They’re all dead.