28. Irene's Rival

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the roleplaying system Under the neighborhood. I am Kyle, he/him, and today I, my four best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about the nightmare of running a school sports team.

Ari

Hello, I am Ari. I play Quique, the opportunist who adapts and creates copies. I am she/her, and Quique is he/him.

Emily

I am Emily, and my pronouns are they/them. I play Irene Hawthorne, the Necromon Trainer who overextends, and her pronouns are she/her.

Tom

Hi, I’m Tom. My pronouns are he/him, and I am playing today Hilda Miszkiewicz, the guardian who pulls pranks and escapes, pronouns she/her.

Hallie

I am Hallie, pronouns she/her, and I am playing Sparky Malarky, the intuition who investigates and has a mascot suit, pronouns also she/her.

Tom

I keep forgetting the mascot suit to be honest.

Kyle

The mascot suit might be relevant.

Hallie

Who knows?

Kyle

I mean, it’s relevant to today’s session, but I don't know if it will ever come up. Like, I don't know when Hallie’s gonna bring it up.

Tom

Who can say?

Kyle

Who can say?

Hallie

Oh, I don’t know when I’m gonna bring it up. It’s gonna be so baller though when I do.

Kyle

Okay! So, at the beginning of most of our adventures, we do a Slice of Life Complication. This is a mundane thing that, when combined with our fantastical ghostly supernatural setting, spirals into fun adventures. Normally you would assign the Slice of Life Complication to somebody else. For today though, all of you are going to be at Valley Public Schools, the school system for the Valley which is this desert-like city/town where you all hang out in the realm of the living.

So, because you’re all gonna be in Valley Public Schools, I want each of you to suggest a complication for the school district as a whole.

Ari

I think Emily wants to start.

Emily

[Smiling.] Pick me. Pick me. I went to a Valley Public School.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

One complication that is very authentic to my experience as a child is that, like, in the Midwest they have snow days, but for us sometimes it would be so hot that we couldn’t go outside.

Ari

Oh god.

Tom

Oh no.

Emily

So, it’s one of those days, and the teachers are legally not allowed to let the kids go outside for recess.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Oh no~

Tom

Oh no.

Kyle

The worst part is that you do have an indoor gymnasium however the indoor gymnasium is shared among the three schools that hang out in like a “U,” and it’s in the center.

Emily

And this is about our extracurriculars.

Kyle

Yeah, and I don't think the school would let you. Even though it’s a short hike, it’s still a hike to get from the school to the gymnasium, so I think they would just say you can’t, you can’t use the gymnasium, you have to do your little Pokémon duels in the English classroom. May God have mercy on Mr. Jimothy’s soul.

Okay, that’s Emily’s suggestion. What else do e got?

Hallie

The school found a new food sponsor so now they have to figure out a way to incorporate Go-Gurt or lettuce into every school lunch because that’s part of their sponsorship. I don’t have a hypothetical company.

Emily

Go-Gurt.

Kyle

Go-Gurt but it’s spelled G-H-O because it’s ghost yogurt.

Ari

To build on Emily’s, there’s only one set of air conditioning in the entire school and it’s somehow in the computer lab, which is something that we had in my school where it was also a really hot town.

Tom

[Groans.]

Ari

So, it was probably only to make the computers not explode because they are more important than the kids. The rest of the school has no air conditioning, only shitty fans.

Tom

No!

Kyle

No…

Ari

So that is to build on Emily’s. The one I had was less sad. There is an underground jousting club in the middle school.

Hallie

Specifically jousting.

Ari

But it’s hard to figure out which one it is because there is an official school one that people claim that’s what they do when they go to jousting club. They know there’s some kids that are trying to make it better.

[00:05:00]

Kyle

You have the Necromon Dueling Club and then the Human Dueling Club and then the Secret Human Dueling Club.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Does the underground club have the little horse head on a stick where they’re like galloping…?

Ari

Yes. Of course it does.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright. Tom, what’s yours?

Tom

Vice Principal Seth Keyhole is investigating something around the school. Nobody’s entirely sure what. Some people think that he’s concerned with how violent all of the clubs are at this school—jousting, dueling, the other dueling club—but other people think that maybe he just heard that someone said a mean thing about his daughter who also goes to this school.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Okay. Here are our complications. It’s so hot that you legally can’t go outside and there’s only one AC in the school and it’s in the computer lab. Vice Principal Seth Keyhole is investigating the violence of the afterschool clubs. There’s an underground jousting club which is different from the official jousting club. And then, finally, there is the new food sponsor which is Gho-Gurt, spelled G-H-O-Gurt, which needs to be integrated into everything.

Hallie

The only one I don’t like is my own suggestion, but I would really like to do all three combined. I don’t want to give up on jousting. I don’t want to give up on the Vice Principal desperately trying to find the route of the violence in this elementary school—middle school, and I really want to not go outside.

Emily

I feel like these all tie together in that now all our afterschool activities have to be in the school so then the vice principal can come look around at all the different clubs.

Hallie

Yeah, he can just Pink Panther across the whole school.

Emily

And you know, the underground jousting club has to figure out how to meet under the radar. “Ah yes, we are part of the real jousting club,” and the real jousting club members are like who are you.

Kyle

Hey Tom, did you have any plans for this session? Do you want to investigate a jousting club?

Tom

I mean, she might have no plans now. She might just be trying to flee.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That’s a plan. You know? Trying to flee is definitely a plan.

Ari

It’s a mood for sure.

Kyle

Okay. Okay.

Hallie

She’s at that age, you know, where you just wanna flee.

Tom

[Amused.] No. Don’t. You can’t do this. Not again.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle

I can’t make any promises, but we will try all of them to some degree or not.

Hallie

Yay!

[Outdoor sounds begin, including birds chirping.]

Kyle

Irene, you can feel the sweat just dripping off of your skin and the thump, thump, thump slamming into your skull before you even open your eyes. When it’s a school day, do you wake up just of your own volition? Do you have an alarm? What does it look like when Irene wakes up?

[Morning sounds are replaced by gentle morning music.]

Emily

Irene wakes up of her own volition but also sets five alarms just in case, each one is one minute after the other. She doesn’t snooze any of them, she wakes up, but she has them as an insurance policy.

Kyle

Do any of the Necromon go and just lazily turn it off?

Tom

I think they take turns, if I may suggest such a thing.

Hallie

Pokeyo has a little trumpet that they play because Pokeyo’s all about “chop-chop,” both food- and hustle-wise.

Ari

I feel like the reason why she set so many alarms is that Mallea will just destroy the ones as they sound. She doesn’t snooze the alarm because there’s no alarm to snooze by the time that they’re all done.

[Music is replaced by the morning sounds returning.]

Kyle

So, resetting the scene… Morning dew. Sunlight goes in.

[A simple digital alarm beeps.]

Mossies roll off, turn on the snooze. We hear…

[Energetic “begin-the-day” trumpet sounds.]

…and the Mossies are hurdled into a pile of other broken alarms.

[Crashing and breaking sounds.]

Not because Irene doesn’t clean them up but because those are the broken alarms of this morning. And then…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat picks up more of this junk and anxiously waits for Irene to open her closet so that Boidelrat can throw it in on the other trash. She’s made a little nest in the closet.

Emily

[Chuckles.] Irene’s tired, but her children are up.

[Silly waddling music begins.]

Hallie

Pokeyo is trying to get everybody ready for the day because Pokeyo obviously is the unofficial leader. Pokeyo’s going around and…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope!

Hallie

…bossing people around like a military person.

Ari

Mallea will try to punch as the orders are said.

[00:10:00]

Kyle

Okay. Give me competing rolls.

Hallie

Yeah!

Ari

Oh no. Okay.

Kyle

Fierce versus Fierce.

Emily

Can we say that perhaps Irene is attempting to separate them?

Kyle

Yeah, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work.

Ari

It’s not like an actual to-hurt punch.

Emily

Oh, no, it’s like… yeah.

Ari

It’s like a shut-up punch, but it might be a little bit harder than…

Kyle

I feel like Mallea’s shut-up punches are still “WHAM,” head into the ground.

Hallie

Mallea doesn’t know his own strength.

Ari

That is true.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Like my nephew Jason when he was a toddler. He just didn’t understand that he weighed an amount and that amount hurt people if he hurdled himself at them with full speeds.

[Both of them roll.]

Oh, well, I got kneecaps. I got the double ones.

Ari

I got a 4.

Hallie

Pokeyo probably screamed, like…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Shrill and fast.] OH-EE-KOPE!

Hallie

…when the punch came down, and did that little cartoon zip behind something with a dust cloud behind them.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat is gonna run up to Pokeyo with their face in the ground with something from her nest with a little cane, a little hospital cane for Pokeyo to get up with.

Hallie

They will use the cane to drag themself up to regain their composure which was never threatened to begin with.

Emily

They attempt to use the cane, but Irene, not noticing what Boidelrat is doing…

Hallie

Oh no!

Emily

…assumes that she’s just pulled this cane out again, as Boidelrat does, and grabs it and tosses it back in.

Kyle

Mm-hmm.

Ari

Oh no.

Tom

Oh no.

Hallie

Pokeyo falls face-flat on the ground.

Kyle

Gets up. WHAM, right back down.

Hallie

This is not a good morning for Pokeyo. They get up rubbing their little nose and they’re just like…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Exasperated, staggered.] Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope, kope-kope-kope.

Hallie

…and now they’re moping.

Emily

Irene will scoop them up.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Emily (as Irene)

I know what words you said. They were not nice.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Indignant.] Oh-ee-kope.

Ari

Mallea is just crossing his arms at Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

Apologize.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Grumbles.] Lay-um.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Ari

Just says it really mumbly.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Huffily.] Oh-ee-kope.

Emily

Irene puts Pokeyo down with a look to, like, “play nice.”

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-kope-kope-kope.

Ari

Mallea’s gonna do a little pat at Pokeyo.

Kyle

After you put that down, you hear a very soft but very measured and professional knock on your door.

Hallie

God!

Kyle

Something like… [Three measured knocks.]

Hallie

He hasn’t even fucking spoken and I’m furious. Who knocks like that? God!

Emily

Irene will sigh and yank open her door.

Kyle

I need you to roll Keep Your Cool.

Emily

That is with Slick, correct?

Kyle

That is with Slick, yeah.

Emily

I have 0. It doesn’t matter.

[Rolls.] That would be a 3. It’s a 1 and a 2.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

Take an AP.

Emily

[Weakly.] Yes.

Kyle

How does Irene feel when she leaves the room and she could swear she hears explosions?

Emily

She feels like she doesn’t want to hear those explosions?

Kyle

But like, how does she react? She fails to keep her cool. Does she yell? Does she fall over?

Emily

I feel like she trips a little bit. Not a full fall, but almost more embarrassing, because there’s a longer period of flailing rather than just a straight down-to-the-ground.

Kyle

You walk out and there’s an explosion of confetti in your face and party blowers, and you hear a voice say:

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as ???)

Happy first day of school!

Emily (as Irene)

Ugh… Stella! Seriously?!

Kyle (as Stella)

Well, you gotta celebrate. Hey, hey, hey.

[Funky music begins.]

Kyle

And Irene, this ghost who has a very eclectic 80s style, so she has short buzzed hair, a loose T-shirt that’s hanging over one shoulder, leggings, and two bare feet that end in a single ghostly point… This ghost woman leans her arm over you.

Kyle (as Stella)

Hey, hey, hey. What did you think of me doing Aubrey’s knock? Did it fool you? Did it get you? I’ve been working on it. Heh-heh.

Emily

Irene is just dead-faced, no response, just stares at Stella.

Kyle

Stella looks at you back but kind of, you know, her eyes are really squinted.

Kyle (as Stella)

Yeah, I got you.

Emily

It’s too early for her to be hitting the Deadly Nightshade, but Stella’s a rogue agent.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as ???)

Come now, Stella, our younger sibling is more perceptive than that.

[00:15:00]

Kyle

From the kitchen this other figure in his mid-to-late 30s with lovely long black hair that’s braided and slightly shorter than your father’s… because I never mentioned this, Earl has beautiful long hair but also a bald spot in the middle of his head. This large person with a round body, chiseled chin and a beige professor-like suit turns to you and just motions.

Kyle (as ???)

Shé:kon khe’kén:’a. Come, come, I have to get your hair ready for your first day.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

[Flatly.] I mean, you don’t have to, Aubrey. You could just not.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

No-no, your hair is long and it is beautiful and it is respectful to have it braided on the first day. Come here, come here.

Kyle

And she gently gets up and pulls out a chair and motions for you to sit down.

Emily

Irene sighs super, super loudly, that sigh that you sigh when you want someone to know that you’re sighing, and flops down into the chair. Her hair is still that short, scraggly, poofy bob. One side is a little more sticking out than the other because she was sleeping on it. She’s so tired.

Kyle

Aubrey immediately gets to work on your hair and Stella gets up to you again.

Kyle (as Stella)

Hey. Hey. You know how you could fix this?

Kyle

And she points to her hair which is just buzzed all the way down.

Kyle (as Stella)

You’d look cool, too.

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t have the head shape for that.

Kyle

Aubrey says under her breath:

Kyle (as Aubrey)

That didn’t stop Stella.

Kyle

And Stella just…

Kyle (as Stella)

AGH!

Kyle

…I’m gonna say does a Hallie yell.

Hallie

Wow!

Kyle (as Stella)

You never understood art!

Kyle

And she floats away as your father Earl walks in with a beautiful big smile.

Kyle (as Earl)

I’m glad to see that everyone’s up.

Kyle

Do you wanna tell me who these people are, Emily?

Emily

These are Irene’s good siblings.

Kyle

This is Stella and Aubrey.

[Playful childish music plays.]

Stella and Aubrey are in their 30s. They actually spent a while living at Puerto Ballenas but recently moved in with you. I don’t think Earl would have told you this, but it was conveniently around the time that your older sibling did a trial against you for murder. The other two miraculously appeared and didn’t explain why and didn’t explain how, but all three of them are terrible liars, so it was clear pretty quickly that Earl asked them to come in the aftermath of all of that.

Emily (as Irene)

Which is ridiculous because I don’t need anyone at any point in time.

Kyle (as Stella)

Now that’s an “I” mindset, and there’s no “I” in artwork.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

Stella is an artiste. She has been doing art for a long time and a couple years ago actually died as part of an art piece, which, to be honest, Stella dying as part of an art accident didn’t surprise anyone. Despite her extremely small and thin figure, Stella doesn’t evoke fragility, which is good because both before and after dying she’s injured herself a lot, with scars that are more than cut-deep. She’s got a nose that sharply bends one way, at least one missing finger, and eyes that are always wide and bloodshot.

When Stella died, she came back as one of the dead as a ghost. Now, ghosts are people who died with unfinished business. We don’t really know what Stella’s unfinished business, not because it’s suspicious—

Emily

Art!

Kyle

Yeah, art. Art.

Emily

Obviously, Kyle.

Kyle

Her unfinished business is art. What kind of art? What does that mean? She doesn’t explain, it is just art. Instead of moving to the Hereafter like other people who died, she has just spent the past couple of years bumming off of Aubrey’s couch.

Aubrey is kind of a Ted Talker. Think Elliot but wanting to actually help people rather than being just an up-their-own-ass shithead.

Emily

Think Elliot but like not a neo-Nazi.

Kyle

[Laughs.] One important thing about Aubrey is… I described most of his features, but one notable thing is that he has beadwork earrings. These beadwork earrings largely use two colors to kind of represent Aubrey’s experience as someone who is genderfluid. What this essentially means is that… Is Aubrey a man? Is Aubrey a woman?

Kyle & Emily

Yes.

Kyle

The answer is yes. Aubrey uses he and she pronouns interchangeably. As long as it is a he or a she or a variant thereof, it is okay with him and it’s okay with me.

[00:20:00]

Now, Irene and Irene’s family are Kanienʼkehá:ka or Mohawk, so there was some discussion behind the scenes of whether or not we wanted to use two-spirit which is a term that some indigenous folks use. However, two-spirit is not a synonym for genderfluid, it’s its own related thing and it’s, you know… United States indigenous cultures are not a monolith. So, when it came to Mohawk folks, some folks use two-spirit and some folks don’t use it.

[Music ends.]

That was a long explanation. The point is, you’ve got two twin siblings. Unlike Elliot, they only got their GED one year early rather than two, but they’re still aggressively competent. In the time it took me to explain that, Aubrey has finished braiding your hair.

Emily

It’s like to her chin. It wasn’t hard to finish. [Laughs.]

Kyle

It’s true. I’m gonna say Aubrey actually did it, stopped, and then redid it to just make sure it was perfect.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Alright. Well, you are looking fantastic, Irene.

Kyle (as Stella)

Is it because her hair fits her head?! Is that why?!

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Stella. Stella, you know I didn’t… Ugh. I’m gonna go handle that, quickly.

Kyle

And Aubrey gets up as Earl just gently sits down with a big old smile and looks at you.

Emily

[Chuckling.] Irene does not smile.

Kyle (as Earl)

Your hair looks nice there, kiddo.

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you. It is hair.

Kyle (as Earl)

Right. So uh… first day of school. You excited to see all your friends again? Like that really nice rival girl. Right? Is that what you call it? Do you call them rivals?

Emily (as Irene)

She is not my friend. She is my rival. It’s just that, for…

[Sighs.] She’ll be my rival again. I’m just waiting. She’s busy. … Goodbye, father!

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh… Okay. Well, uh, wait. Don’t forget.

Kyle

As you’re leaving:

Kyle (as Earl)

Stella, Aubrey, you gotta get Irene to the bus stop.

Emily (as Irene)

I can go to the bus stop on my own.

Kyle (as Stella)

But can you, though?

Kyle

Stella is on your other side just looking at you.

Emily

Irene does angry little grabby hands.

Emily (as Irene)

[Exasperated.] Yes.

Kyle

Aubrey nudges your elbow with his elbow which is in the… you know the formal ball-lock arm pose? And just nods at you.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Ready to go, Irene?

Emily (as Irene)

Goodbye, Aubrey. Goodbye, Stella.

Emily

And she stomps out, gathering up all her little Necromon on the way out, ignoring them if they’re following.

Kyle

You go to shut the door and you notice that Aubrey has already held it open for you to leave.

Hallie

Ha.

Emily

Ugh… She just doesn’t say anything else. Just a thousand-yard stare and continues to ignore them.

Kyle

Alright. I’m not gonna go through the back and forth of them following you to the school bus and then making sure you get on.

Emily

Live your dreams, Kyle.

Kyle

And doing the wave, and you know, the waving until you’re gone and reporting to Earl.

Emily

Irene, when she gets on the bus, puts her hand up and pretends not to know them as they’re waving.

Kyle

You definitely hear whispers.

Emily (as Irene)

[Groans.]

Kyle (as Stella)

Alright, Irene! Have a cool day there!

Emily

She tugs on the end of her short little poofy braids.

[Nostalgic guitar music plays.]

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Be careful, Irene. You don’t want to cause it to fray.

Emily

She shuts her eyes and breathes.

Kyle

And you go back to that place of sweat and squabbling Necromon in the thump, thump, thump.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Alright there, kids. Welcome on the bus. We got one more stop before we make our way to Valley Public Schools, which is this episode’s announcement break.

Before I start with today’s announcement break, I want to thank Walter Studios which has been where Emily and I have been recording our episodes from this point onwards. It’s just a really convenient space. It’s got a bunch of art stuff, and it’s got a really, really cool restaurant. … That is not a phenomenal pitch for Walter Studios, but… [Laughs.]

Walter Studios is really cool. It’s owned by my in-laws. If you’re in the Phoenix area, I’d highly encourage you to check it out. I’ll put a link in the description below.

[00:25:00]

One thing that we’re actually gonna be doing at Walter Studios is, at 8 PM Central Time on Valentine’s Day this year, Emily and I will be streaming a game of Star Crossed, which is a tabletop roleplaying game about star crossed lovers. So, if you’re interested in joining us on our… I  guess streamed date night, you can follow us at Twitch.tv/QuestFriends.

So, if you’ve been up to date, you’ll notice that this episode is a week late. What did I do last week? Well, to Patreon subscribers, I uploaded the episode that we guested on for Escape this Podcast, which is the promo I’m doing today!

[Game show music begins.]

Escape this Podcast is a mix between tabletop roleplaying and escape room puzzles. Each week a group of guests is brought on to solve an audio-only escape room full of twists and turns and locks and keys. Escape this Podcast makes every one of their games available for free so you can take on the role of game master and run them for your friends and family.

As I said, we did a show of Escape this Podcast. It was a kind of Goosebumps inspired game where we were stuck in a tiny dollhouse. It was a lot of fun. I think the one thing that really makes this kind of format unique is that in an escape room there are lots of rules of, well, you can’t touch this, you can’t break that, you can’t try to bend or… you know, you’re very limited because there are real tangible things that can be broken. In the theater of the mind, you can try whatever the fuck you want, which at least for me was an awful lot of fun and led to some creative solutions that would be impossible in a real world situation.

So, if you’re interested, you can find the show at escapethispodcast.com or check out all their projects, including the murder mystery show Solve this Murder, at consumethismedia.com. I’ll have both links below.

[Music ends.]

That’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode, Irene’s Rival, Part 2, will be releasing in two weeks on Monday, February 5. If you’d like additional podcasts, short stories or behind the scenes clips, you can find them at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Nostalgic guitar music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

A lot has happened in the past few months for you all. If you are listening or reading the transcript and want a recap, we did a recap episode a couple of weeks ago that went over the entire first arc.

Hallie

Yay.

Kyle

The short version is there was gonna be a tournament for Necromon dueling and then Irene got accused of murder, so that kind of had to be taken care of, and Irene’s eldest sibling Elliot was the prosecution.

[Upbeat recap music begins.]

Since then, you all went to The Worlds’ Fair. This is a big fair held in Necropolis, a megacity in the Hereafter which is where you go when you die. While at this fair a couple of things happened. Sparky and Hilda met Pint and her father Bier Steinsman who is a quote-unquote “fixer.” Sparky then thought that she saw her ex Lucas Bang and fled the scene which, through a bunch of shenanigans, caused Hilda to get in the sky.

Hallie

[Amused.] To get in the sky.

Kyle

To get in the sky.

Hallie

How did you get up there?! Get down here.

Kyle

Sparky then got another child from Quique, because Quique brought his sobrine and sobrina, which are Ariel who is now a senior in high school and then Yunuen who is nine and a half.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

But Ariel disappeared to see a musician called Xochi. Quique freaked out, dropped Yunuen with Sparky, and then headed to infiltrate Ariel and Xochi. Unfortunately, by the time he got there it was too late and Ariel was fully under Xochi’s spell, and soon enough so was Quique.

We got some flashbacks. Xochi was revealed to be Quique’s daughter, the first kid that he looked after with his platonic partner Mateo. She is a siren which is someone who can influence emotions, and she is a pop idol, and she sings all the time~! So yeah, he tried to separate her from Ariel, but somehow Sparky and Booker also ended up in the sky, and then they ended up crashing on Quique.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Finally, Boidelrat saw a little stuffed Boidelrat at one of those carnival games which was led by Rube Goldberg, the zombie of Rube Goldberg.

[00:30:00]

It was a rigged game that was set to fail, and the Necromon were going to be turned into little puppet dolls, but through things that happened Rube Goldberg got turned into a doll instead and you fled the scene.

Emily

Yay.

Kyle

You all then met up at Die Hop which is a restaurant slash library where everything is crepes. Once he got to, Quique left the scene to go find Ariel who hadn’t returned. He had a heart-to-heart with Sparky. Sparky was like hey, you don’t have to do it alone. Quique was like well, I’m not gonna ask for help, but if you want to help I’m not gonna stop you, essentially. Before they could leave, they ran into this mysterious figure who was revealed to be the incarnation of death who gave Quique a letter, and that’s where we ended.

[Music ends.]

So, I want to ask everyone, what have you all been up to since then? What’s been going on in that period of time?

Ari

When we stopped, we stopped in the middle of Quique trying to go get Ariel, so like, what happened there?

Kyle

Yeah. In that time you were able to find Ariel. They were with Xochi who pulled the whole:

Kyle (as Xochi)

No-no~! Come on, let’s hang out a little longer~

Kyle

You eventually got Ariel out of there, but Xochi pulled one of those “I’ll talk to you soon” kind of things.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

In that time, Ariel has…

Ari

Been texting or something?

Kyle

Yeah. Do you want to sleuth and see if Ariel’s been in touch with Xochi?

Ari

Yeah, I do.

Kyle

Okay. Roll… I kinda want to do Investigate, like it’s a crime.

Tom

It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Kyle

I’m actually gonna do Understand because Investigate needs a specific crime.

Ari

Is there… I don't know. I don’t think there’s an argument to use Natural Hunter. Right?

Kyle

Unless you’re stalking Ariel for an in-person meeting, I don't think so.

Ari

Okay, probably not. But, since it’s a new adventure, can I use that my skill be Sleuthing?

Hallie

Oh, yeah.

Kyle

Yes. Yes, you can have your skill be Sleuthing, absolutely.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Is it sleuthing just because this is such a big priority to you?

Ari

Yes, but also, I have to roll my Loaded Die because I forgot. I can roll with advantage because I have my advanced move.

Kyle

Yeah, do your Loaded Die and then tell me what your new critical success and critical failure are.

Ari

[Rolls.] My Loaded Die, I got a 10. Then, for the other thing, I guess I want a double 3 as a success and a double 4 as a failure.

Kyle

Okay, 3 is for success, 4 is failure. Got it.

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a 5, but I want to use my Loaded Die to make it a 10.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Welp.

Kyle

To be a 10? Do you just have backups on backups?

Ari

Yeah. The first strategy didn’t work, but then he remembered that was also the case on Les Detectstuff’s sleuthing adventure where he was sleuthing on his niece when he wanted to see if she was with someone that was up to no good. So he is like, ah yes, this failed too with him, so now I will do this other thing.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Okay. Yeah, you gave Ariel the Les Detectstuff book, but I guess they never read it.

Ari

They never read it!

Kyle

Okay, so Understand. Do you have a question? You can ask me a question and I will answer it.

Ari

I mean, I want the question to be if they are still in contact with Xochi.

Kyle

One day they’re with you, kind of not engaged. Yunuen is listless, just trying to get attention. Ariel leaves, and you see a message on WhatsAxe, the French Revolution chatting app.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

[Smiling, pained.] Fine. Sure.

Tom

[Smiling.] Yes.

[Silly mystery music begins.]

Kyle

You see a message on WhatsAxe that is labeled by a different name. It doesn’t say Xochi, but the name has a little xochitl flower emoji by it in the contacts.

Ari

Ah, yeah. Does it have the flower and an X?

Kyle

Yes. Yes, it has the flower and an X. The text is with a lot of emojis and emoticons. But, where there is actual text, you can read: “Don’t worry about it. What papi doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Ari

Well… Oh man. Okay.

Kyle

“Tell me more about your musical.”

Ari

Oh man. Well, I am concerned. He is concerned. Quique is concerned about this. I don't know what move he can do after this. Uh…

Kyle

Yeah, what are you trying? Is there anything you’re trying to do?

Ari

If later there’s like, oh you know, we’ll see you at the brewery… in a week, or something.

[00:35:00]

[Laughter.]

Some location, something that he can, like, “ah, fancy meeting you here. My family member! Oh wow, what a coincidence that we are here, that I am here meeting with you today.” Let’s casually drag you away from this place.

Kyle

“I know the secret passages at Skulliard. Papi will be so distracted by all the boring old facts that he won’t notice if you slip away.”

Ari

Ah.

Kyle

That’s the last message you see before Ariel picks up the phone, looks at it, and chuckles to themself.

[Music ends.]

Ari

God, okay.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

So they’re gonna meet, I think, uh… next month is gonna be the Skulliard tour of the college that you are gonna go to with Ariel and with Yunuen, because Yunuen wormed her way in.

Ari

That’s right. Okay, he will make a note of this.

[Bossa nova music begins.]

Kyle

Before we move to Sparky, I have one last thing. Quique, you got a letter from your buddy Death. Death is a grim. Grim are avatars of death that, before BITE took over and started working in thereports, used to ferry people to the realm of the dead. So, Death is just like its kin, the Boatman from Cryptid Cryptids. It used to ferry souls to the afterlife and now it’s out of a job. It gave you a letter!

Ari

A letter! I read the letter, but that actually is private, not in the vicinity of Sparky.

Hallie

Oh yeah.

Ari

There are some things that are still not in the vicinity of Sparky.

Kyle

The letter is your good buddy Mateo…

Ari

I figured.

Kyle

…who has spent some time hanging out in the Afterworlds. So, when you die in the Here you go to the Hereafter, and when you die in the Hereafter you go to the Afterworlds. The Afterworlds are comprised of a near-infinite number of layers, all of which are considered strange and dangerous, chaos incarnate so to speak. So, the Afterworlds are fully cut off from most people, but most people don’t have their mail personally delivered by Death like you and Mateo do.

He’s been exploring the Afterworlds, and at the end of last arc you sent him a letter that was basically saying hey, I read your journal that you were putting in Booker. What, why, who and how is happening? I want you to roll me Convince Somebody with Books.

Ari

Okay!

[Rolls.] I got… With Books, I got a 9.

Kyle

Okay, a 9, that is a mixed success. So…

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Mateo)

Yeyo! It’s great to hear from you. I can’t tell you everything fully in a letter. Quite literally, there is so much information I could tell you. The short version is:

[Mysterious piano music begins.]

There are things out there that are causing problems. I wish I could tell you more about them. As we know, our grim friend isn’t perfect at evading those with eyes who want to see all. What I can tell you is that I was doing some investigation here in the Afterworlds towards dangerous figures. You might call them Legendary Necromon, but I would know them as… something else. It’s all a bit grim, honestly. You know what, tell me more about yourself. Specifically, you said you heard this in a book, I’d love to know about the book, and I need to know if you’ve seen our daughter lately.

Ari

Ah.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And that one uncharacteristically ends in a period.

Ari

Oh man, a period ending.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] That feels so much more aggressive in a letter. I don't know why.

Kyle

I’ll add one more thing just because I did do a bunch of other complications, because he can’t literally tell you everything. He’ll also say something along the lines of “I’ll tell you more soon, I need to get myself someplace safe.”

Ari

Oh… well. My response was gonna be are you safe, but I guess he’s not. If there’s a way that I can send a response…

Kyle

Yeah. Death appears right when you finish reading it. Just, “sup?” … It doesn’t say sup.

Ari (as Quique)

Timely as always.

Ari

I want to have a letter just being like…

Ari (as Quique)

I was gonna write asking if you were safe, but seeing the last part of your letter, my guess is you’re not. Please write to me as soon as you think you are, and if you know of a way for us to meet or to have a more expedient way of communication so that I’m not worrying this entire time.

PS: I’m not sure. The book is following one of the kids that is around me lately. She likes chemistry. You would like her.

[00:40:00]

PS-PS: Our daughter is around and causing trouble again, hence I need to talk to you about things in person sooner rather than later. Let me know when you are safe. K.

Ari

No, Y. That is, that is… Not K, Q! Okay, actually, all of these are in character. He’s trying to sign, and he’s so distressed that he starts with a K even though his name does not start with a K. “Yeah, K, thanks, bye.” He crosses that, then he puts Y for Yeyo, then he crosses and he puts a Q, and then that’s it. “Stay safe.”

Kyle

Okay. So, it’s been a fun month for Quique.

Ari

Sure has.

Kyle

Just a grand old time.

[Silly playful music begins.]

Sparky and Hilda, what have you been up to?

Hallie

Well you know, Sparky has respected the fact that Quique got a private letter from Death.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

This is slowly killing Sparky inside, but she’s doing it. Quique just knows Death. That’s fine, that’s cool, that’s awesome. She’s probably asked a couple questions about it, how can you not, but it certainly has not been the forced interview that it would have been in the past.

“So like how’d you meet?” If Quique’s like eh… if he dodges the question, she’s like… I’m gonna go read my magazines. Or look for her socks! Because those keep going missing. Where are her socks? That is the heist board for this season, that is my mystery tracker. Where are my socks? I cannot find them.

Kyle

What’s the first thing you do to investigate your socks.

Hallie

To investigate my socks? Well, first of all, I check all around the junkyard. Did I throw them away by just going outside? Because I do that sometimes. If I have to throw something away, I just go outside instead of using a trash can… because it’s the junkyard. So, I did a light dumpster dive, as a treat, looking for my own socks.

Emily

Ew.

Hallie

She wore gloves, it’s fine. She wears gloves when she dumpster dives.

Kyle

You found lots of socks.

Hallie

But not my socks.

Kyle

But not your socks, no.

Hallie

Not my black socks.

Kyle

Your tracker gets filled by one. I want to note, unlike last time where the mystery tied in with the arc, this one is gonna be just a ‘when it finishes, it finishes,’ so it’s not gonna be as—

Hallie

I respect it.

Kyle

It could be over multiple arcs. It could be done in two weeks.

Hallie

I just can’t wait to find out where my socks are. Let me just… Okay.

Kyle

Yeah. They’re not in the yard. They’re not in the trash yard.

Hallie

They’re not in the yard.

Kyle

You also have your True Wild Card. I want you to roll that and tell me what your stats are and how you’re feeling.

Hallie

Oh, right! You know, my Heart’s not good, my Heart’s at a -1. That’s probably because I’m still mad about Lucas Bang and how I kind of saw him and then I ran away from Jake Hell, and it’s all really confusing, and then some bozos called me a milf, and that’s also confusing.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

There’s just like a lot going on, so she would rather focus on socks. Books, that was +2. She’s been reading a lot of magazines! And then Fierce and Slick are both nada, they’re both 0, so there’s nothing going on that’s relevant to either of those things. She’s just trucking the way that she does.

Kyle

Heartbroken, reading magazines.

Hallie

Heartbroken, reading magazines, looking for her socks.

[Laughs.] This is her life.

Emily

Things are going well for Sparky Malarky.

Hallie

The worst part is that she’s doing better than she was in the first season.

Tom

Oof.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright. Then, finally, what’s Hilda been up to in the passed time?

Tom

Hilda has spent the summer mostly reading books that are way too difficult for her. She has been trying to chip away at all sorts of books on politics, and law and order, and power, and bouncing off a lot of them, but slowly chipping away. She’s been acquiring a weird to-do list of things to return to and just page numbers left off on, and some of them are scratched out as she goes somewhere else in a book anyway.

Between that, she has been indulging the latest thing she is fixated on which is clown hema, spelled H-E-M-A, which is essentially historical fencing. It’s more weapon types I think than traditional fencing clubs usually will be, but because this is clown it’s with balloon swords.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

In particular, Hilda has gotten her hands on what I think is pronounced correctly in Polish as a ciupaga.

--

Kyle

Editing Kyle here. Tom sent me a message later on saying that the pronunciation might be closer to “choo-paw” with a silent G. Personally, when I looked it up, it was either “chu-pa-ga” or “su-pa-ga.” I don't know if that’s T-S or just S, because when I tried to argue that Tsoe and Soe were different, everyone insisted that they sounded the fucking same.

[00:45:00]

In any case…

--

Tom

On Wikipedia, you can find it as the shepherd’s axe. It’s essentially got a long handle, a really small axe head. It’s flat on the top and it’s got a little spike, but of course this is a balloon version of that weapon.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

It’s just a folk weapon for peasants and shepherds, like a walking stick plus handy tool plus occasional self-defense thing. It can be used in fencing. Hilda has become very fixated on this idea and so has been slowly learning this from videos online, mostly.

Kyle

Now, important thing about a ciupaga… can you joust with it?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

In a pinch, I suppose so. If this were “real” real jousting, no, absolutely not, but if we are riding on toy horses that are just those poles, I mean probably. I can’t imagine the kids have longer sticks than this.

Kyle

See, official responses like that are why they had to make an underground jousting club, because their answer is “yes.”

[Laughter.]

Hallie

You nerd!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. So, we return to the school day. We see the bus with its ectoplasm is like a foot further down and it’s starting to melt into its own ectoplasm from the heat.

Kyle (as driver)

Alright, children, go-go-go!

[Sounds of children screaming and rushing.]

Kyle

And the children just run out of the bus. And you have a school day!

[Visual novel music begins.]

It is the first day of Eighth Grade. It’s been a year. Hilda is 13, Irene is 12, and they are both in Eighth Grade. For the sake of time, I think I am gonna blow through the school day. Is there anything big either of you want to share that happened?

Tom

The only thing I can think of is a Persona moment where someone was asked a random question in the middle of class we could not possibly have known the answer to and everyone decided they would judge whoever was answering based on whether or not they got it right despite nobody else in the class knowing it either.

Hallie

Booker pops out of your backpack to make a snarky comment after you get it wrong.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Kyle

We’ll say, Irene, you’re sitting there in class and at one point the exhausted Intermortal Relations teacher in front of the class says… Let me think of the question.

Tom

Yeah, use this as an opportunity to give us some lore, just like the game would.

Kyle

Give you some lore. Let me look at my lore, quickly.

Emily

Kyle is like “finally, an opportunity to introduce some of my lore!”

Kyle (as teacher)

[yawns.] Alright, class. Each morning when we say the pledge we say a section that says “one people under the Powers That Be.” New kid.

Kyle

And she points to some girl in the back with big glasses.

Kyle (as teacher)

Tell me what that refers to.

Kyle

And the girl pipes up and says:

Kyle (as new girl)

That section of the pledge refers to the fact that all matters in the Here, the Hereafter, and the Afterworlds are governed by the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement, and at the top of the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement, as the ineffable driving force behind it, are the mysterious Powers That Be.

Kyle

And everyone starts murmuring, “oh, oh wow, that’s so cool,” as this girl looks down at the little space underneath her desk and does some excited talking to it.

Emily (as Irene)

Please, I knew that.

Tom

[Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle

It’s after school now. The halls are actually a little more crowded because you’ve got kids from other grades and the other schools all meeting at Valley Public Middle School. The soccball team for example would be out on the fields. The Necromon Dueling Club would be in the recently re-renamed Valley Public Schools Gymnasium that used to be the Bandit Gymnasium.

Hallie

[Uncomfortable forceful chuckles.]

Kyle

But instead, because of the heat, they’re all inside… with you. Hilda, take a GM Intrusion. Who do you give the other point to?

Tom

I’m giving the point to Irene.

Kyle

Okay. It’s the end of the school day. We’ll say that you met up with Walnut and Freddie.

Tom

Yeah.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Yeah, I’m so excited. I got new tactics this year, and…

Kyle

And dae look at you, Hilda, and the excitement drains from daer face.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Don’t worry about it.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Well, I’m gonna do the soccball team this year. I’m really excited about it. I was told during my summer camp that I’m good at keeping my eye on the ball, so I’m gonna keep doing that.

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Kyle (as Freddie)

What are you gonna do, Hilda?

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh. Um… I was just kinda thinking maybe trying out the Fencing Club this year. That’s a new thing. I don't know.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Oh, fencing, that’s a kind of… Well, I’m sure you’ll be great at it.

[00:50:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

Um… thanks. If you want, we can talk more about your new Necromon tactics. It’s still really exciting stuff. Have you brought in any new types or new moves to round out what you were doing?

Tom

And Hilda is just feeling the discomfort increase.

Kyle

I’m gonna pull my hard move here that I’ve been sharing about Walnut being pissy.

Tom

Excellent.

Kyle

Dae’s just gonna look at you.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Nothing Ultra.

[Loud school bell rings.]

Kyle

And the bell rings, and dae perk up.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Alright! I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. I’ll see you later, Freddie.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And dae bolts off.

Tom

Were we standing or sitting during this scene?

Kyle

I would say probably standing by your lockers.

Tom

Hilda will just sort of shrink down to the ground, just crouch there for a little bit.

Kyle

As you crouch, you feel a shadow over you.

[Silly awkward music begins.]

Kyle (as ???)

Hilda Miszkiewicz.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Uncomfortable and small.] Mm-hmm?

Kyle (as ???)

I have something to ask of you.

Tom

Oh no.

Kyle

You turn around and you see Vice Principal Seth Keyhole. He is an older man with a green goatee and I’m gonna say… I’m gonna say a green mullet. Yeah, why not? He looks a lot older and more formal and stuffy than he tries to be. He tries to be approachable. It doesn’t work. Although, it’s hard to blame him for that. Vice President Keyhole is an undying, someone who dodged death so aggressively they became one of the dead without actually dying. So, even among the dead, Keyhole is considered stuffy and out of touch. He just looks down at you with a notepad in his hand.

Tom (as Hilda)

Um… hello.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Hello. How has your first day of school gone?

Tom (as Hilda)

Pretty normal, I guess. That’s why I’m down here by the floor. It’s cooler down here.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Ah, yes, the heat. We are working on that. If you want, you can go into the school computer lab—

Kyle

He looks at his notes.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Actually… no, it could not be there. Hilda!

Kyle

And he just slaps his book shut.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I have heard that you have had an interest in jousting. Is that correct?

Tom (as Hilda)

Not so much jousting per se. It’s interesting, but I don't know if the speed of moving at people really appeals to me. I’ve been practicing with a balloon folk weapon.

Tom

And she just pulls out the uninflated balloon and blows into it, ties it off.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Ah, yes, quite a peculiar weapon, as the lack of motion is a peculiar and in some ways unauthorized form of jousting.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m not sure I follow that, sir. What?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Hilda, would you consider yourself a good student? Honorable? Just?

Tom (as Hilda)

I think so, yes.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Well, like everyone else, I saw your behavior at that trial of our other student, Miss Irene Hawthorne, where you successfully uprooted injustice.

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh, yeah, thank you.

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I would like you to do that again.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Squirms.] What?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

You see, Hilda, our school has an…

Kyle

And he just starts flipping through pages.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

…alarming amount of extraordinarily violent afterschool activities, but one sticks out above, or should I say under, the rest. Do you follow, Miss Miszkiewicz?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m not sure that I do, sir.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I have heard tale over the winds that there is an… shall we say “elicit” jousting club at our school. Do not mistake it for the very formalized and safe official Jousting Club at our school. No, this one follows no leaders and no rules besides the last one standing survives. Now, I have tried to unearth this fiendish club but have had no such {trouble} myself. However, with an honorable student that has a bit of a… shall I say “dangerous” streak, well, I feel like I could finally uncover this mystery.

Tom

Hilda is doing that meme of raising up a finger and then stopping and making an increasingly distressed face.

Tom (as Hilda)

Um… are they actually bothering or hurting anyone?

[Music ends abruptly.]

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

So anyways, your task.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

As I understand, your identity has shifted from a Necromon Trainer into the identity of a master sleuth, so I imagine that you could figure this out.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Stammers.] What? Huh?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I say that only to say that I would… ahem, I would be in your debt.

[00:55:00]

Kyle

And both eyes blink, and both eyes blink again. He lifts up his finger and very gently presses on one eye to close it.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Do you get my drift?

Tom (as Hilda)

N-No, I don’t think so. What do you actually want me to do?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I simply need a report on what this elicit organization is doing, say three to five pages, double-spaced.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Huh?! … Okay, that’s fine. What if it doesn’t exist? What if that’s the report?

Kyle

He looks dead-faced.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Ha, ha, ha.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Defeated.] Ha… ha… ha.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

This is not a laughing matter.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And he leaves.

Tom

Well, Hilda is lying on the floor now.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Sparky and Quique!

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

I want to use Paint the Scene right now.

[Innocent silly music begins.]

I want everyone to describe one detail about how this room has been repurposed into a makeshift soccer field.

Ari

It has very bright colors, like pastel colors.

Kyle

You’re in a Kindergarten room.

Tom

Can the Kindergarteners have vuvuzelas?

Kyle

Yes.

Hallie

We used chalk or Sharpie, whichever one is worse, to draw the soccer lines that are on a soccer field on the floor of the classroom.

Emily

Clearly Sharpie is worse than chalk!

Kyle

It’s a Charpie.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle

All the fun texture of chalk, all the permanence of a Sharpie.

Hallie

All the permanence and pungency of a Sharpie. If anybody asks, Sparky’s gonna be like “oh, that was there, that was already there.”

Kyle

Alright. What’s the last detail, Emily?

Emily

The goals have been created by very elaborately stacking chairs in various formations, but then the problem is that, as soon as anything hits those chair, they’re going to fall.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So, you have the kindergarteners, then you have some Eighth Grade kids, and in front of them, having recently reassembled one of the chairs, you have, of all people, Sparky Malarky and Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca. How did you two become the coaches of the soccball team? A better question I suppose I should ask is why.

Hallie

… Are my socks in this Kindergarten classroom?

Kyle

Roll me Understand.

Tom

W-Why…? Why, Hallie?

Hallie

[Laughs.] My mind blanked and that was the only thing I could think of.

[Rolls.] I got double ones again. Kneecaps! That’s two kneecaps, which is actually four kneecaps. That’s four ones that I have rolled this night.

Kyle

So… no.

Hallie

Okay, no.

Kyle

But they could be.

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Hallie

I feel like Sparky was prowling non-maliciously around the school grounds looking for her socks.

Kyle

Were you just caught by one of the admins while prowling around in a mascot suit?

Hallie

Okay, so yes. I was thinking that… No one goes to Sparky for things, so this feels like, agh, I need a coach and I don’t want to pay anybody, but you know what, I know Sparky Malarky stole this mascot costume so I will just let her have it and not make a big deal out of this, even though I could, if you agree to coach the soccball team. And she was like, lucky for you, I’ve been reading soccball magazines day and night.

Kyle

You say, while wearing the School-Aid Man outfit.

Hallie

While wearing the School-Aid Man outfit. I’m fully wearing it when he’s like hey, I know you stole this, and Sparky’s like what are you talking about.

Kyle

The mascot costume of Valley Public Schools.

Hallie

Correct, yeah.

Kyle

Okay. That’s how Sparky got recruited.

Hallie

That’s how Sparky got recruited.

Kyle

What is Quique doing here? Why is Quique here?

Ari

I have no idea.

Kyle

How about this? Ariel is not part of the team. Ariel runs the Necromon Dueling Club in place of Mr. Jimothy, but this would give Quique more access to the schools with which he can sleuth.

Ari

Okay, I like that, that and Sparky being there.

Kyle

Okay. Well, you’re not sleuthing now. Right now you are staring down a bunch of Eighth Graders who are just looking up at you, very sweaty with the fans blasting on them.

[Music ends.]

Ari

He probably would have been explaining the really complicated rules of what constitutes an outside versus not, and listing all of these examples, that they have to keep track of for not doing a thing, not faking an injury when the other team is winning, and things like that.

Hallie

He’s explaining this while in the background all you hear is SCREECH as Sparky constructs these soccer goals out of the chairs.

[01:00:00]

Kyle (as ???)

Yeah, we get it, we get it, your sport has all sorts of convoluted rules, but as us equestrians say, let’s get straight into the action.

[Cowboy confrontation music begins.]

Kyle

This Eighth Grader in jean shorts and a cowgirl outfit says while glaring at you.

Ari (as Quique)

Before you get into the action, you have to understand the intricacies of the sport, because otherwise you’re just kicking a ball and that is a thing that happens in many other sports, like American soccball which is not the same as just soccball. It’s a different thing.

Kyle (as ???)

Well, it doesn’t happen in horse racing, or Necromon dueling, so not that many sports.

Ari (as Quique)

I don’t really follow the horse riding, but I guess if you have one of those ball Necromon… I assume they exist. There’s one that’s a book, I assume there’s one that’s a ball, so you could throw one as a ball in a Necromon duel.

Kyle

This girl’s eyes narrow and glare at the mention of a book. In front of her, a little zombie hand appears.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh! One second, one second.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And the square zombie boy who is fully decked out already in his uniform says:

[Ambling tuba music begins.]

Kyle (as Freddie)

Now, uh… Mr. Canaca, could you go over the rules just one more time? Maybe with some sort of visual demonstration. I just want to make sure I really understand the rules before I… (gulp), get into the action.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, the first thing you don’t do…

Ari

And then he’s gonna grab one of the balls that Sparky made from Sparky’s hands and slap it with his hand and punt it into a makeshift goal.

Ari (as Quique)

The first thing you don’t do is slap this with your hand and put it in a goal. That’s a thing that happened one time, but it is a thing that is not supposed to happen.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique, I just built that.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you can build another one, Sparky.

Hallie

Then she goes back to fix it again.

Kyle (as Freddie)

I see, I see. Can I slap it and not put it in the goal?

Ari (as Quique)

If you happen to… As Sparky is right now, standing in the goal section, if you happen to be the goalie, as I will demonstrate…

Ari

And I will punt it to Sparky without any—

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I want you to roll Take Action. No, I want you both to roll Keep Your Cool.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I’m switching out the dice.

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a 12, but it wasn’t nat, it was like a 10 and then +2.

Kyle

Okay, okay.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Are you kidding me? Seven.

Kyle

Yeah, Sparky just… Do you jump the other way, Sparky, or do you just miss?

Hallie

I jump the other way. I just do.

Emily

Sparky does a spectacular dive.

Hallie

I do a spectacular dive. It’s really good.

Ari (as Quique)

See, Coach Malarky here has the idea. Thank you, Coach Malarky, over here. That is the second thing you don’t do on this sport. If you see a ball coming your way and you’re the goalie, you jump in the direction of the ball. You don’t jump to the opposite side of the ball.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s right. I did that on purpose to show you what not to do.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, you sure did, Sparky. I feel like this might work, maybe.

Kyle

Roll me Take Action, Sparky.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Six.

Kyle

Take an AP.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

A ball whizzes right past you into the net.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

And you see this cowgirl, who is a transfer student named Katrina Kollect’em…

Hallie

God… frickin’ Katrina Kollect’em!

Kyle

…looking at you and then looking at Quique.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Doesn’t seem that hard to me.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, that’s because Coach Malarky was exemplifying what it is to have a bad goalie on the goal. Once you have a good goalie, it’s harder to do what you did. However, that was a really nice kick, so everybody take note.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Oh, why thank you. Your compliment almost got me to forget my insult, which is… can show how to be a good goalie?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… I can show how to be a good goalie.

Tom

[Chuckles.] Oh-ho…

Hallie

Sparky will do a little, like, “can she be a good goalie” mimic, and she will step out of the net chairs. Then she’s gonna set the ball right in front of Katrina Kollect’em.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Try it with Coach Canaca. Quique, get in there!

[Cowboy showdown music begins.]

Kyle

Katrina gets ready. She looks at you in the eyes.

Ari

Quique looks at her and does the thing they do where they just jump one side and the other while crouching.

Hallie

The western duel music plays in the background.

Kyle

She puts her hand dramatically on her hip, shoots the hip out, shoots her leg back, kicks… and I need you to roll Take Action or Keep Your Cool.

Ari

[Rolls.] That was a 9.

Hallie

Oh thank god.

Kyle

Okay, a mixed success, so you’re sloppy, you’re loud, or you’re slow.

[01:05:00]

Ari

Loud.

Hallie

You just break the chair net again.

Kyle

You block it, and it’s so cool.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh…!

Ari

Yes!

Kyle

And then the chairs behind you fall down.

[Music ends. Chuckling.]

Ari (as Quique)

Well, this is just because… obviously standard goals are not made of chairs, which is why this one fell down, and that’s why they usually have a net. This is not on you, Coach Malarky, that is just the equipment we have.

Hallie (as Sparky)

There’s only so much I can do.

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, yes, that is correct, and you’ve done a great job. Anyways.

Kyle

Katrina’s doing the mouth motion.

Kyle (as Katrina)

A bad equestrian blames their horse.

Ari (as Quique)

What does that even mean?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are you a bad equestrian? Is that you? Are you an equestrian? I couldn’t tell. Do you like horses? Are you in the Equestrian Club? Why aren’t you with your horse right now? Why are you in soccball?

Ari (as Quique)

… Anyways. That is how you are a good goalie.

Hallie

[Cackles until she squeaks breathlessly.]

Kyle

Katrina walks over someplace. She pulls out a little wooden stick with a horse head on it.

[Western music begins.]

Hallie

Oh no… No! [Laughs.]

Kyle

And she tosses it to you.

Hallie

To me?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

To Sparky me or me… Quique, or to Sparky Quique?

[Stammering.] To Sparky me or me Quique? What… [Mumbles and laughs at her struggling.]

Kyle

Yeah. She throws one to you and she throws one to Quique.

Hallie

She had two. She had two in her bag just ready to go.

Kyle

Oh, there’s more than two.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You notice that she’s pulling out a lot.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh, is this… is this part of the sport?

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, this is not part of soccball.

Ari (as Quique)

This is not. The only things allowed to be thrown are balls, not sticks.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And only by the goalie, and off-sides, and when you’re throwing it back in after the penalty line. What, what… why, why?

Ari (as Quique)

Good job, Sparky.

Hallie

Thumbs up.

Kyle (as Katrina)

I wager we could make this thing a whole lot more interesting.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What are you talking about? If you had a horse  and you were holding a weapon or something, that makes sense, but you can’t kick and ride the stick horse at the same time. soccball is already the most interesting sport. You can’t really improve on it.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, yes-yes.

Ari

He is gonna do a fist-bump to Sparky as she says that.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Why don’t you prove it?

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

That soccball is interesting?

Kyle (as Katrina)

You two and all of your regular soccball stuff…

[Threatening western music begins.]

Kyle

And she starts handing out little horse heads to the other students.

Kyle (as Katrina)

…versus The Stampede.

Hallie

Is she like proselytizing for jousting during our soccball practice?

Kyle (as Katrina)

Please, please, in my area we call it joustball.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

Or at least we will when we win.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, but if you win, that doesn’t change the infrastructure of the soccball Club. I’m pretty sure this is just… you can’t change—Could they change the soccball Club?

Hallie

Turning to Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

What if, you know… This is not on the actual standard balls, but because this can be a new and exciting idea, we paint the balls with horses, so then you still have some horse thematic but it’s still soccball as it should be.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody with… I don't even know what stat. I’m gonna say Heart. You’re gonna try to convince these kids that, yeah, no, horse on the ball, that’s definitely the right option.

Ari

[Rolls.] No, that’s a 3.

Kyle

Take an AP.

Ari

I have taken an AP.

Kyle

They’re not convinced. They’re starting to get riled. “Oh, no, actual horses sounds cool. Actual horses sound really cool.” Katrina looks at you and winks.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Oh, we’ll certainly accept that… if you win a match.

[Music ends on a tense note. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Irene, roll me a 1d6.

Emily

[Rolls.] One.

Kyle

You are not in the computer lab. Unfortunately, the Coding Club got that for some reason.

Emily

It’s almost like they need computers.

Kyle

We’ll say you’re in the cafeteria right beneath a neon sign for Gho-Gurt.

[Laughter.]

The kids are rustling around, they’re working on stuff. Walnut as usual is taking in forms. Dae gives you the stink-eye a couple of times.

Emily

I give it back! What’s up with that?

Kyle

Before going back to working on forms. What’s Irene doing as she preps for the duel?

Emily

I feel like she is directing all her Necromon in little synchronized movements or something, to all get in the groove together.

Kyle

You’re synchronized, you’re in it, you’re in this motion, and as you’re doing that you get startled by a voice.

[01:10:00]

Kyle (as ???)

Wow! That’s so cool! Is that one of your attack moves or something?

Emily

Irene slowly turns on her heel, unsmiling.

Emily (as Irene)

No.

Kyle (as ???)

Oh… Well it’s cool though!

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you. Yes.

[Peppy diner music begins.]

Kyle

You turn and you see the girl from earlier. This girl is very small with a round face, a cute wide nose like a button mushroom, mahogany brown skin, and dimples when she smiles which is all the time, just a big old grin on her face. She has large doe-like eyes that are further exaggerated by large glasses, and she’s dressed athletically in a short skirt, leggings, and kneepads. She has a baseball cap on the top of her head and her beautiful dark brown coiled hair pokes out of the back of the baseball cap like a marigold. She has a messenger bag on her shoulder which she readjusts before just looking at you, smiling.

Emily (as Irene)

… Okay.

Kyle (as ???)

Oh, sorry, um… hi.

Kyle

And she extends her hand.

Kyle (as ???)

My name is Juniper.

[Music pauses for a tense moment and resumes.]

Emily

Irene very slowly and stiffly holds out her hand and doesn’t bend her fingers.

Kyle

Your hand—you get a very firm handshake, clasps and she shakes your hand.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Well, it’s so nice to meet you, uh…

Emily

[Laughing.] Irene looks down at their hands and still doesn’t say anything and then slowly pulls her hand back.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, that’s okay. I guess I’ll know your name when you—

Emily (as Irene)

It’s I— It’s I—

Emily

She stares down at the ground just for a second in confusion.

Emily (as Irene)

My name is Irene, and I am a great Necromon Trainer. I will see you on the court!

Emily

And she turns around with her shoulders hiked up to her ears.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Okay, cool! I’ll see you.

Kyle

You can’t see, but she’s doing the dancing the Necromon did.

Kyle (as Juniper)

I’ll see you then.

[Music ends.]

Emily

Irene does not turn around.

Kyle

An eternity passes, Irene. So long.

Emily

[Smirking.] Irene doesn’t wanna talk about it.

Kyle

But, it’s interesting, because it’s not just your emotions, it actually is taking a long time, like a really long time. You hear a little tap on the mic and you turn over and it’s not Ariel.

Emily (as Irene)

Something’s wrong.

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

It is a man, Mr. Jimothy, the Seventh Grade English teacher, just hunched over breathing.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

[Absent of confidence.] Well, uh… hey there, kiddos. We um… It’s your faculty representative, Mr. Jimothy. Ariel could not make it today, so I’m gonna host tryouts.

Kyle

And a murmur goes through the crowd.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

So, um… I have Ariel’s notes here, and they say that in order for tryouts, students need to duel… Well, that seems a bit mean.

Emily (as Irene)

Students always duel me.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

Right, yes, students duel the strongest Necromon Trainer that we have, which in my notes it says Irene Hawthorne and it also… I see two names here. Do you duel in pairs?

Emily (as Irene)

No. There shouldn’t be any other name under strongest Necromon Trainer.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

Oh, I get it. You got four names, right? It’s one name with, uh…

Emily

Irene grabs the papers.

Kyle

I want you to roll Take Action.

Emily

[Rolls.] Seven.

Kyle

You rip it out, and I’m gonna say you just see a last name that says Brees, B-R-E-E-S. That’s all you get.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

Well, I mean, there’s three names here now, but there were four, which divided by two is… How do we solve this conundrum?

Emily (as Irene)

Don’t you teach Math?

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

No, I teach English.

Emily (as Irene)

Oh. I never paid attention. It’s hard when you know everything.

Kyle

Mr. Jimothy looks hurt. From the crowd, you hear a voice, Walnut, say:

Kyle (as Walnut)

Duel! Let’s have a duel!

Kyle

And the kids start chanting. Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel!

Emily

Irene steps up, just assuming that it’s going to be her versus someone, and stands with her feet apart, raises her hand into the air with one finger pointed.

Emily (as Irene)

Who will duel me?

Kyle (as Walnut)

I’ll duel! I’ll do it!

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

Walnut, no, your name isn’t on the list.

Kyle

And Walnut’s hand just goes back down.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

Oh, Walnut.

Emily

Poor Walnut.

Hallie

Oh, Walnut…

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

No, the other opponent must be… I’m not familiar with this name.

[01:15:00]

Kyle

Already on the other side of the stage, the cute girl that was talking to you is standing there.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, well that must be me, then.

Kyle

She looks at you with a big earnest smile, raises an open palm in the air, and declares:

Kyle (as Juniper)

Hi! My name is Juniper Brees. This is gonna be a fun duel!

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Emily

Irene, who had been swinging her hand down to point, slowly brings her hand down and scrunches it back up.

Emily (as Irene)

Fine.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

Does Quique scheme? Does he plan?

Ari

Yeah. I mean, you know, he gave Sparky permission to sleuth.

Hallie

Oh yeah, Sparky is gonna take that as permission for anything relatively adjacent, and I feel like this—

Tom

Oh no.

Ari

[Chuckles.] relatively adjacent.

Hallie

Not in a way that old Sparky would have, but hey, I feel like off-screen she would have confirmed with Quique in a way that wasn’t actually saying the words, hey, do you want me to come. She’d be like:

Hallie (as Sparky)

So, um… big college visit at Skulliard. I was thinking of going to the place next to Skulliard, just for fun.

Hallie

And then I imagine Quique would have some sort of, like…

Ari

Yeah, he would be like:

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, there are some cool magazines and things to read right next to it, so you know, you would be fine there, reading behind a magazine while maybe walking in the vicinity of the university.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It is a beautiful campus.

Ari (as Quique)

It is, yeah. Yeah, for sure. So you know, if you want to just walk around there… it’s a free area.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It is a free area. You’ve got that point. I am legally allowed to be there.

Ari (as Quique)

Surprisingly. That’s one of the few places I think you’re legally allowed to be.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I know!

Ari (as Quique)

Another coincidence.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look at that. How is that working out?

--

Tom

Before I say that, I feel like I need to note that Sparky Malarky throws away her trash by going out into the junkyard and just tossing it out there, but like, a junkyard isn’t the same as a garbage dump. So like, do you throw organic garbage away like food and banana peels and stuff out there?

Hallie

No. She has a regular garbage can for that, but if she has to get rid of socks with a hole in them, she just goes outside and does that.

Tom

Okay. I was just worried for a moment about Sparky.

Hallie

She’s not just throwing spoiled milk out in the yard or anything like that, but she is, like… ah, my weird machine broke, there it goes over there.

Tom

I mean, there could be a little compost heap out there.

Hallie

She’s cool enough to have a compost heap.

Kyle

She is. She is.

Hallie

She has a compost heap now.

Tom

You could be doing a little bit of homesteading in the junkyard.

Kyle

Not with any living plants in it, though. She’s tried.

Hallie

No, she just… I’m gonna make that a goal, “get the compost heap to work.” That’s on my list.

--

Kyle

The person in the front says:

Kyle (as teacher)

Alright, I got another question for you. Hey, new kid.

Kyle

And she points to some girl in the back with big glasses.

Kyle (as teacher)

What makes a demon a demon?

Kyle

And the girl pipes up and says:

Kyle (as new girl)

A demon comes about when someone went down in flames. They have horns the length of which represents their sin in both life and death.

Kyle

Big Jake Hell’s horns are very short. He has very short horns. He’s a good boy.

[Someone makes suggestive “delicious” mouth sounds.]

Neither sexy nor evil sin.

Tom

Incorrect answer. Incorrect.

--

Kyle

How did you two become the coaches of the soccball team?

Hallie

Listen. Sparky’s been reading a lot of magazines. Some of those were soccball magazines. This makes her qualified, or at least more qualified than anybody else they could have found. Quique probably has some sort of secret skill knowledge story life experience with soccball.

Ari

[Grinning.] I mean, yeah, he’s…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Well, his life, his culture is very soccball…

Hallie

Oh, yeah, yeah.

--

Hallie

I’m so proud of her. I can’t believe you made me loathe Katrina Kollect’em, my own brain-child. We’ll be like, okay, if you win, you get your horse game, you get your silly little horse game…

[01:20:00]

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

…but what we’re hoping is that Katrina’s like “soccball is the friends I found along the way.”

Ari

I like that.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

We’re gonna give her such a pure middle school sports experience. Like when Archie in Riverdale told everybody who was in jail for drugs that they haven’t experienced the high of high school football.

Tom

[Delighted.] The highs and lows of high school—

Hallie

The highs and lows of high school football. Then, they played a match and everybody was friends.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

It’s like that. It’s like that but with children. Also, just as a backdrop, Sparky will suggest we could just change our team name to the Horses. Will that work for everybody?

Ari

We can have our mascot be a horse with a stick.

Hallie

Not a stick horse, a horse with a stick. Actually, our mascot is now a stick horse. Not a real horse, a stick horse. I would like to change my mascot suit from the School-Aid Man to a stick horse in response. Sticky the stick horse.

Tom

This is a very drastic response.