29. Irene's Rival (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Emily

Sometimes it would be so hot that we couldn’t go outside.

Ari

Oh god.

Kyle (as Vice Principal Keyhole)

You see, Hilda, I have heard tale that there is an elicit jousting club at our school.

Kyle

Sparky Malarky and Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, how did you two become the coaches of the soccball team?

Hallie

Are my socks in this Kindergarten classroom?

Kyle (as Katrina)

Yeah, we get it, we get it, your sport has all sorts of convoluted rules.

You two and all of your regular soccball stuff versus… The Stampede.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

Students duel the strongest Necromon Trainer that we have.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Well, that must be me, then. My name is Juniper Brees. This is gonna be a fun duel!

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

The orange of the midday sun shines through the large windows of the Valley Middle School cafeteria.

[Cowboy showdown music begins..]

It mixes alongside the neon Gho-Gurt lights to make these dramatic lines of light on two cafeteria tables. Standing on one of them is Irene Hawthorne, and standing on the other one is:

Kyle (as Juniper)

Hi! I’m Juniper Brees. I… already said that, didn’t I?

[Music ends.]

[Chuckles.] Sorry, I’m just really excited.

Emily

I would like to jump down from the table and approach Juniper.

[Irene’s theme begins.]

Kyle

Juniper looks at you. She gives you a smile.

Emily

I cross my arms and tilt up my chin so that, even though we are probably around the same height, question mark…

Kyle

She’s small and you are… slightly less small than you used to be, so probably.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

She is wearing the equivalent of Heelys, but instead of wheels they’re ice skates, so that probably ups her height by like a centimeter.

Emily

Okay, so we’re probably around the same height with our difference in shoes.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Irene will tilt her head up so she’s looking down at Juniper.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Juniper looks a bit confused and then crosses her arms and puts her head up, looking at you.

Emily

Irene quietly and subtly shifts her feet so that she’s a little bit almost on tiptoes.

Kyle

Roll Sneak. Roll me Slick, roll me Sneak.

Emily

Oh no. Ugh, I don’t want to roll for this.

[Rolls.] I rolled two twos.

Kyle

So take an AP.

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

Juniper notices and then gets up on her tiptoes. When she realizes it’s maybe not quite high enough, she starts just doing little hops on her tiptoes.

Tom

In ice skates.

Kyle

Ice skates on the back.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Emily

The top parts of Irene’s cheeks turn very red and blotchy, and she stands back down flat on her feet.

Emily (as Irene)

I am challenging you to a duel.

Emily

And she swings her hand up, and swings it around, and points at Juniper right close to her face.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

You shall get on this table and fight me.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Yes!

Kyle

Juniper does one more jump before raising her hand, saying…

Kyle (as Juniper)

I accept!

Kyle

…putting an open-palmed hand down, grabbing your pointed hand, shaking it, and saying:

Kyle (as Juniper)

Your duel.

Emily

Irene looks down at her hand and just stands there for a second. She’s not sure how to respond to this. It’s not super angry stomps, but she does kinda stomp back over and clambers onto the table again, very gracefully… indeed.

Kyle

Juniper gracefully jumps up onto her cafeteria table before spinning around, lifting her finger, and pointing to you.

Emily

Irene points at her, silently, and will hold it until Juniper puts her hand down.

Kyle

Juniper stands there for a second not doing anything, and then she cocks her head as if hearing something.

[00:05:00]

You see she still has the messenger bag on her shoulder. She looks down at it and says:

Kyle (as Juniper)

[Mumbling.] What…? Was that…? No? Oh, I’m supposed…? Yeah, yeah-yeah, okay, I got it.

[Necromon duel music begins.]

Irene Hawthorne! It’s time for one sweet duel!

Emily (as Irene)

This duel will be bitter like my soul.

Kyle

As you say that, the Charpie that is on the ground and has made the shape of a Necrocard all around you illuminates with blue light, and the Necromon duel begins.

So, I have made a couple of changes for Necromon duels since last time, and that was mostly to streamline it. Because they happen so infrequently and were part of sessions using Under the Neighborhood rules, I decided let’s use Under the Neighborhood rules and just modify it a little bit for simplicity’s sake.

What essentially we’re doing now is we’re gonna be doing a classic Confrontation. Your clock gets to 4, that means you get to do the super-powerful awesome move that, at the end of any duel in Pokémon or Yu-Gi-Oh!, they’re like “I summon Exodia,” or Yugi just screaming “monster cardo!”

Hallie

“Monster cardo!”

Kyle

While he kicks ass.

Hallie

[Grinning.] “Monster cardo!”

Kyle

Essentially, it means you get to narrate how you just kick ass and win. Again, it’s a classic Confrontation, so Emily’s gonna make moves to attack with each of their mon. Based on what Emily does, they will roll a specific stat and they’ll use the mons’ stats. In between every action, I have the ability to react, so I can have Juniper’s mon do something as long as it isn’t attacking. The only other thing besides that is each mon has a special Signature Move it can use. For example, Pokeyo can heal. Emily can do that once per battle. And that’s pretty much that. Irene, who are you sending out, and how does Irene send them out?

Emily (as Irene)

Mossies!

Emily

Irene yells and points.

Tom

The Mossies are gonna bounce in a line off of Irene’s shoulders and then just roll up.

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Emily

She had pointed with her right hand. Now she points with her left hand.

Emily (as Irene)

Mallea!

Ari (as Mallea)

Mallea is going to emerge from a wall that nobody knows exactly where it came from because it’s not really a school wall. It’s just for dramatic effect.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Mallea’s been observing the School-Aid Man.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

The School-Aid Man gets flown to the side.

Hallie

Pushed away by Mallea.

Kyle

[Weakly.] “Oh yeah…!”

Ari

Yeah, the wall is the School-Aid Man who will just be pushed aside, or maybe the School-Aid Mascot is secretly Mallea. He shouts…

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Ari

…and runs to the center of the field.

Emily

Irene puts her hands on her hips and makes sure that her feet are solidly planted shoulder width apart, power pose.

Emily (as Irene)

I am ready to begin.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Meanwhile, Juniper is excited, so she bounces down a little bit, like crouches and holds her messenger bag.

[Magical girl music plays.]

She reaches in and pulls out two cards between her fingers.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Run into action, Io!

Ari (as Io)

Oeee!

Kyle

Out of Juniper’s card flies a small nervous roadrunner that has its wings tucked behind its back and popup up behind its head, so it looks like it’s trying to make a little intimidating crown. It does not work. The mon is also… you can see it’s taking in the sun from the window, and it seems to be almost a little stronger as little flecks of sand come off of it. This is the Arid Necromon element.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That’s not all, though! It’s time for a double scoop. Goom!

Tom (as Goom)

[Like a neighing horse.] Moog~!

Hallie

[Cackles.] It’s like if a horse was mooing! I fucking love it.

Kyle

Hearing that sound, you expect a canter, like a tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap, but instead, next to this roadrunner thing that’s just looking left, right, left, right, and trying to be intimidating, plops what looks to be… it has the consistency of if you took a scoop of ice cream and flopped it on the ground, but it’s a small translucent orb.

Tom

It’s the ice cream mon.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Okay. I’m gonna add one line from Walnut, quick.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Walnut)

Wait, Io is an Arid Necromon. It’s super-effective against Plant-types and very powerful in the heat!

Hallie

[Smiling.] Thank you.

Kyle

That’s for you, Hallie.

Hallie

Yes! I love it. Thank you.

Emily

Irene glares daggers at Walnut.

Kyle

Walnut is not looking at you. Dae’s looking at Juniper.

[00:10:00]

Emily

[Exasperated huffing.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

You’re old news, Hawthorne.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright, Irene, what are you gonna do?

Emily

I’m just briefly reading through my Necromon’s Signature Stats and such. So, I… Actually, no. Mr. Jimothy said that she was on the list, so Irene is properly on her guard, unlike with Hilda where she was testing things.

Kyle

Mm-hmm.

Emily

And I think I’m gonna go in… Well, I only have one use.

Kyle

But you can use them right away.

Emily

[Exhales.] Why not?

[Upbeat digital music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Mossies, Surprise They Have Teeth!

Tom (as Mossies)

[Fierce.] See-sawm!

Kyle

The way Surprise They Have Teeth works is you’re gonna roll with the Slick stat but you act as if you have elemental advantage, which means you roll with advantage. Who are the Mossies attacking?

Emily

I’m gonna go with Io?

Ari (as Io)

[Distressed.] Oeee.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Walnut)

An expert move from Irene Hawthorne. Normally Io, as an Arid-type, would have advantage against Nature-types, but with a surprise move like Surprise They Have Teeth, the Mossies are able to cut past the elemental advantage.

Hallie

You are so quickly making Walnut my favorite character.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

So, I’m rolling with the Mossies’ Slick.

Kyle

Mm-hmm, with the Mossies’ stats. It’s a stat of 0 unless it’s a Signature Stat, so that’s a Slick of 0.

Emily

Okay.

[Rolls.] Seven?

Kyle

Okay, a mixed success, so your clock is gonna get filled by 1 and mine is gonna get filled by 1.

Emily

Yeah, but I don’t want that, I want just mine to be filled by 1.

[Laughter.]

I don’t want yours to as well.

Tom (as Mossies)

Awm… Awm… See-sawm. Awm!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Io is going to scream and jump back.

Ari (as Io)

Oeee!

Kyle

And it’s going to bat away the Mossies in fear. You can definitely see that it’s been attacked some, but the Mossies get injured with getting attacked.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm…

Kyle (as Juniper)

That was close, Io. Be sure to protect yourself from your next attack.

Ari (as Io)

[Determined.] Oeee.

Kyle

And Io will take its wings, puff them out from the side, and they will expand before slamming down as a barrier in front of it, so Io will be harder to attack the next time you attack it.

Emily

Irene narrows her eyes.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Katrina Kollect’em narrows her eyes.

[Western duel music begins.]

Hallie

[Exasperated.] God.

Kyle

She stares at Sparky Malarky. She stares at Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.

Ari

Quique also narrows his eyes.

Kyle

She then stares at Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, and Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, and Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

I’ve done this game longer than you have, kid. I can do this literally all day.

Kyle (as Quiclones)

Yeah we have!

Kyle

The other three Quiques say.

[Music changes to silly ghosty music.]

Tell me a bit about your new descriptor, Ari.

Ari

My new descriptor is Creates Copies. Basically, I can create a copy of myself that is completely identical; shares face, voice, memories, etcetera. So, because of his experience with the accidental Quiclones, Quique has leaned into this unfortunate ability of his, discovering that the power was within him all along.

Hallie

Ha! You’re welcome.

Ari

He can summon one of his 26 copies, each for each letter of the alphabet.

Kyle

I need you to roll 1d26 three times, Ari, and let me know what the numbers are.

Ari

Okay. It is a 2, a 6, and a 24.

Kyle

[Smiling.] And a 24? The 24th letter of the alphabet is X.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

X? Oh.

Kyle

So, give me a name that begins with X.

Ari

With X? Uh… Hmm. Hang on.

Hallie

[Laughs.] This was the best possible outcome.

Ari

Like all of them, most of them are for women. I guess Xavier, but I hate that name.

Kyle

Okay, so Xavier, or is it X-Avier?

Hallie

I like X-Avier.

Tom

X-Avier is the worst version. It has to be.

Ari

X-Avier.

Tom

No, we can’t double down like this.

Kyle

X… X-Avier. Who wants to play X-Avier?

Ari

I feel like it should be Tom because he’s so adamant on not.

Hallie

On not playing it.

Tom

Very well.

Kyle

I feel like X-Avier needs to be the Dippy Fresh of Quique, the hip radical 90s Quique.

[00:15:00]

[Laughter.]

Ari

Nobody likes him.

Hallie

Nobody likes him!

Tom

He’s got a very puffy vest that he tugs on occasionally.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Hey! What’s going on, guys? It’s me, X-Avier.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Oh my god. So, we have X-Avier the radical Quique, and next to him, a Quiclone that is shoddily built, his head is in all the wrong spots, #6 Federico or Fede.

Ari

[Smiling.] Oh my god.

Emily

Our boy!

Kyle

And then next to them, with a fake dyed hair streak on his skull, is Bruno, the original dupli-Quique…

Hallie

Bruno!

Kyle

…the one that you had the heart-to-heart with.

Ari

Oh my god, he’s back.

Ari (as Quique)

A lot has happened since we last saw each other. I tried to reconnect with my youthful self.

Tom (as X-Avier)

That’s me!

Ari

He points to X-Avier.

Ari (as Quique)

That truly did not pan out as much.

Kyle (as Bruno)

Yeah, I think we can backpedal on that one. Right?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Trust me, I’ve been trying, I really have. I don't know why he’s here. Nobody knows why he’s here, really.

Kyle (as Fede)

Does anyone know why I’m here?

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

Federico raises a hand that’s connected to his foot.

Kyle (as Fede)

If I kick the ball with my hand down here, does that count as hitting it with my hand? Because I do have to kick it.

Ari (as Quique)

You know, I hadn’t really considered this part of the rules, I haven’t seen it in the manual, but I think as long as you hit it with any part that is considered the foot, regardless of what it is connected to, I think that it will probably be good in the rules.

Kyle (as Katrina)

[Scoffs.] You see that? They gotta cheat already to win.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s actually in the manual.

Hallie

I’d like to spend an XP to have that rule be in one of my soccer magazines that I can officially reference.

Ari

Can I help by using Why Would I Lie?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

No, I want it to be true is the thing.

Kyle

No, Why Would I Lie makes it true.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Gotcha.

Kyle

So, you don’t need to spend an XP.

Kyle (as Tucán)

[Choking and gagging.] Caw… caw…!

Kyle

Tucán, who has a little ref’s whistle and a ref’s outfit and is sitting on top of a bunch of chairs, just spits out a page that he had been chewing on, and it flops to the ground. The page he coughs out is just a little sliver that says “if a hand is connected to a leg, using that hand is legal.”

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Ah yes, my trusted referee is here. Pinguino Rodriguez, I am glad to see you coming back to assist here.

Kyle (as Tucán)

Caw!

Ari (as Quique)

See, he knows the rules. He is an expert is sleuth and soccball.

Hallie (as Sparky)

See? We know what we’re talking about, as does this bird.

Kyle

Tucán nods his head and the pile of chairs that he’s on falls, and he just flutters up and he flies to another… No, he’s gonna stand on one of the vuvuzelas that is used by the army of kindergarteners.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

If the referee can please abstain from destroying the building.

Kyle (as Tucán)

Caw!

Ari (as Quique)

Thank you.

Hallie

Alright. Alright. Sparky is once again fixing the goals.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright, one game of normal soccball in the club that you all signed up for that was clearly advertised by this being a soccball Club.

Kyle (as Freddie)

I was excited to play soccball, yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)

See? There you go, yeah. See? You’ve got—What’s  your name?

Kyle (as Freddie)

It’s Freddie.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s Freddie. Freddie. See, Freddie has the soccball team spirit.

Kyle (as Freddie)

[Stammers.] Yeah, I mean… I met you before. You come see Hilda a lot after school, but um—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, are you Hilda’s friend?

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

I guess she has a lot of friends. I had not seen—

Emily

[Squeaking in delight.] She has three friends!

Ari (as Quique)

—seen you here either, but…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, he’s new, right? Like, you don’t know him?

Ari (as Quique)

I think so, yeah. Welcome to the school. I’m glad Hilda—

Emily

[Sobs with amusement and compassion.]

Tom (as X-Avier)

Even I know this kid, and I haven’t been in the show before.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

He doesn’t have any friends, not anymore. He only has a lust and hunger for victory.

[Threatening cowboy music begins.]

Now, you can keep messing around, or are we gonna get a soccball game going?

Hallie

Sparky has completed her goal and she’s gonna lean against it cockily.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, we’re ready, kid.

Hallie

Then, because she’s leaning against it, it breaks a little bit more, and she abruptly stops to fix it again.

Ari (as Quique)

If the referee and the players can abstain from destroying the building.

Hallie (as Sparky)

God… I’m trying! I’m trying so hard not to destroy things.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. You’re doing a great job, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh thank you. Okay!

[Claps.] Separate!

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

[00:20:00]

Kyle

Welcome to Part 2 out of 3 for Irene’s Rival. This is not something that we’re gonna be doing for every adventure going forward, the ones following this should be two-parters for a while, but today’s episode… the raw recording was just so dang long that I realized I needed to cut it in half in order to get the episode out on time. So, I hope you’re enjoying this episode and are excited for Part 3.

I hope you’re also excited for our Valentine’s Day livestream. That’s right, on February 14 at 8 PM Central Time, Emily and I will be streaming Star Crossed, a game of star crossed lovers, at Twitch.tv/QuestFriends. It’s a game that Emily and I have wanted to play together for years, and so, to be honest, I’m doing this stream mostly as an excuse to finally sit down and play the dang thing.

While you’re waiting for that stream and for Part 3 of Irene’s Rival, you can listen to LOOTERS!

[Game show music begins.]

LOOTERS is an action-packed lovefest adventure podcast improvised each week by five actors. Audiences come for the sci-fi western excitement and stay for the hilarious antics and awesome community. Follow the LOOTERS crew as they run from giant space lizards, face off against intergalactic outlaws, or my personal favorite, occasionally deal with roommate shenanigans aboard their ship. Honestly, that slice of life stuff really is… it’s where the best stuff happens.

They spin original tabletop stories out of the Stars Without Numbers tabletop gaming system. So, if you’re missing the western sci-fi but also silly vibes from Flashback Future, LOOTERS is a great podcast to check out. Tune in for new episodes of LOOTERS every Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts or at looterspodcast.com, which you know, that’s a pretty good combo, Quest Friends! On Monday, LOOTERS on Tuesday.

[Music ends.]

That’s all I’ve got for you this week. The finale to our adventure, Irene’s Rival, Part 3, will be releasing in two weeks on Monday, February 19. If you want additional podcasts, short stories and behind the scenes insights, you can check them out at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Silly ambling music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

Hilda, you’re hearing throughout the halls, because we’re all in Valley Public Middle School, VPMS… “vapumis.”

Hallie

[Smiling.] “Vapumis.”

Tom

[Chuckles.] I don’t like how that sounds.

Kyle

The sounds of the battle in the cafeteria, and then the Kindergarten room which I’ll say is downstairs. All the tables and all the vuvuzelas and all of the screaming birds. Outside, you can see the final school buses, the ones that haven’t left yet, are just further melting from the heat into the ectoplasm that they drive on. So, you are definitely trapped.

Tom (as Hilda)

Eh, it’s fine. The Boss has a van. I think she’s here somewhere.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob?

Tom (as Hilda)

Well buddy, on the one hand, I feel like we were given a job that was not super ethical.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob?

Tom (as Hilda)

I don’t really want to mess around with somebody else’s club. If they want to have their own club, that’s fine.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Emily

He does little, like… fist into hand, but he doesn’t have fists or hands. He’s trying.

Kyle

It’s just little paper… paper rubbing against itself.

Tom

Little paper nubbins just, like…

Emily

Yeah, just the little nubbins tapping, but from the tone of his rekoobs you get the vibe that he’s like “let’s go rough some people up for fun.”

Tom (as Hilda)

Eh, I don’t think we need to fight anybody today, buddy.

Emily (as Booker)

[Disappointed.] Rekoob.

Emily

He looks at Hilda. Didn’t you say Hilda has a balloon?

Kyle

She did make that. She did make the balloon.

Hallie

Oh yeah, the balloon weapon.

Kyle

It’s got a Polish name, but it’s also a shepherd’s axe.

Tom

Uh-huh.

Emily

Yeah.

Tom

A ciupaga.

Emily

Booker gestures towards it, like…

Emily (as Booker)

[Insistent.] Rekoob. Rekoob!

Emily

…like, you have a weapon. Why aren’t you fighting people?

Tom (as Hilda)

Because I don’t want to go to the Duelist Club right now. I don’t want to see people.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Listen. Listen. It’s fine—

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob, Rekoob… Rekoob!

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Emily

He points his little legs to all the different classrooms.

Kyle

Every single one of which has some sort of violent sound effects coming from it. One of them you even hear a little five-year-old do the “finish him” from Mortal Kombat.

Tom (as Hilda)

Alright. Here’s what we’re going to do. We can’t make an informed decision until we know the whole truth.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

[00:25:00]

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)

So, we’ll investigate…

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob…

Tom (as Hilda)

…and then we’ll decide what to do afterwards.

Emily (as Booker)

[Fierce.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Yes, yes.

Kyle

Alright. How are you investigating?

Tom

Hilda is going to be extremely subtle and eavesdrop on every classroom and just peek in the window in the door, at each door.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

Or just look through the gap if they happen to be open. Very conspicuously, not actually sneakily.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay, in that case, I won’t have you roll Sneak. I’ll have you roll… I’m actually gonna have you roll See Into Their Heart.

Tom

Oh.

Kyle

Because I’ve been using Understand a lot for questions, but I feel like, for people-based questions, See Into Their Heart is more appropriate. So, that would be a Heart. What question are you trying to get answered?

Tom

Uh… Is there an underground jousting club? Is it real? Because this also still sounds like a thing that the vice principal made up.

Hallie

That’s what he does for fun, he makes up secret jousting clubs.

Tom

Alright, let’s do this thing. Oh my god, please.

[Rolls.] That’s a 9.

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Kyle

Okay. I’m gonna change it. Usually it’s you get information and then I can lie by omission, but instead of that I’m gonna give you information and I’m going to give Booker information.

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Emily (as Booker)

[Pleased.] Rekoob.

Kyle

You’re hearing some kids talking.

Kyle (as kid 1)

Yeah, so um… an underground jousting club. I don't even know if it’s counted as jousting. In jousting you use specific weapons, right? This one is just first to the ground loses. They can go by any rules.

Kyle (as kid 2)

You know, I heard that they even had Necromon fighting kids.

Emily (as Booker)

[Wide-eyed.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Ugh…

Emily

Booker reaches some of his little legs out to Hilda’s balloon axe.

Tom (as Hilda)

Not right now, Booker.

Emily (as Booker)

[Pushy.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

[Softly.] No, we don’t need it right now.

Emily (as Booker)

[Hushed.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

It’s not the time to use this.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Emily

Booker throws a little fit.

Tom

He’s allowed to. I imagine Hilda has a bunch of scratch paper chew toys for Booker in her backpack because he gets bored during the day.

Kyle

God, yeah.

Emily

Okay. You know how Charlie would pout by sticking his face in the ground or in corners and he would go flat? Booker does that. He flattens out his little book cover and sticks all his little legs out and just flumps straight flat on the ground.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbles to himself.]

Tom (as Hilda)

That can’t be comfy for your spine.

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbles louder.]

Tom (as Hilda)

You’re gonna give yourself book scoliosis.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh hello, Miss Miszkiewicz. How is your investigation going?

[Silly awkward music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda)

[Stammers.] Great. It’s been like ten minutes at most.

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbles.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Nine minutes and 55 seconds exactly. I just need to go back and quickly sign the school ethics, uh… the school ethics stuff, to show how ethical we are.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Do those ethics include contracting children?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

… Yes.

Kyle

And the locker that he popped out of slams shut as he goes back into it.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I love this.

Kyle

Then it opens up for one second.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I’m counting on you.

Kyle

And then it shuts again.

Hallie

I love this vice principal so much.

Tom

The locker detail was a very good addition.

Kyle

I wanted him to pop out of lockers. He’s everywhere and nowhere. Alright, where are you gonna go?

[Music ends.]

Tom

Well, we heard rumors, but we don’t know where they are yet. Who better to ask than the actual Jousting Club? Because they probably have beef. Why would you make your own jousting club? Because you don’t like the jousting club that’s already there. So, Hilda just scoops Booker up.

Emily

He kicks his little legs once and then lets her carry him.

Tom

Hilda’s making her way to the Jousting Club.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

We’re gonna go back to soccball.

[Sporty western music begins.]

This is also a Confrontation. I hope Hilda doesn’t have one, otherwise this is gonna be a lot, but we’ll figure it out. Anyways, a Confrontation. You have a goal, they have a goal. Their goal is to win, and by that I mean Katrina’s goal is to win and the rest are just kind of pushovers like Freddie. They’re just gonna play a game.

Hallie

Yeah. Katrina’s a bully, that’s why.

Kyle

We talked about this a bit before the recording, but what is your goal?

Ari

I think Quique’s goal is to win, but how about you, Sparky?

Hallie

Well, Goal 1, win, Goal 2, win in the more meaningful way: make them love soccball.

Ari

Yes.

[00:30:00]

Tom

X-Avier’s goal is to have a good time.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Even if we lose the actual game, at the end the kids would be like “well, regular soccball… we don’t really know what we want until we’ve played more regular soccball.” So, I want to create a win-win scenario. If we win, we get what we want, but if we lose, they have discovered their love of soccball through the purity of this game.

Ari

Quique wants that as well.

Kyle

You want that as well? Okay, we will do a classic Confrontation then. If you two were at odds with what you wanted, I was going to make you both fill your own clocks.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

In the spirit of soccer, we will do a low-score game. So, instead of trying to get big clocks filled, we’re just going to get clocks of 3. The joke is that I don't know how high scores get in soccer. I know it’s less than other sports.

Ari

They don’t get very high.

Hallie

They do not get very high.

Ari

Yeah, it’s mostly… if it’s really high, then there’s a massacre going on or it’s a very tense game.

Hallie

A very viable soccer strategy is scoring one goal and then just keeping the ball away from the other team for the rest of the game.

Ari

It’s true. That’s so stressful, but it’s true.

Kyle

Anyways. What do you do?

Hallie

I kick it real good, man! I’m a good soccer player. I’m just gonna—Oh, go ahead, Ari.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Yeah, we have—I want to have Quique’s and Sparky’s strategy huddled and having this thing to strategize who goes who goes where, what does who.

[Thoughtful silly music begins.]

Kyle

Alright, you all huddle. Fede flips himself over so that his head is closer to the rest of you.

Ari

We huddle with everybody except for X-Avier.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

We’re like pushing him out of the huddle.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Hey guys! Oh-ho, what’s up?!

Ari (as Quique)

Just stay in your place and do not move from there.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Stay in your lane, X-Avier.

Tom (as X-Avier)

You got it, chamaco.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Should we make X-Avier goalie or is that like a really big mistake?

Ari (as Quique)

I don't know. I think that it could be either a really good or really bad mistake.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Hey guys, okay if I play goalie?

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… hang on, X-Avier. You’re not part of this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh, you know, well, I mean… Hey, X-Avier, high-five.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Ha-ha, up high!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, yeah, so just do that but with the ball, and make sure you’re just giving that ball as intense a high-five as you can.

Ari (as Quique)

Do it with both your hands if necessary.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Both your hands, a double high-five, a ten, a high-ten.

Tom (as X-Avier)

[Chuckles.] Oh please, come on. Do you think—

[Music changes to over-dramatic music.]

Tom

And he gets serious for the one moment in his entire existence.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Do you think even a single one of us, across all our variations, does not treat soccball with the ultimate respect? I know how to play goalie.

[Music ends.]

Anyway. Let’s have fun, everyone!

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Convinced.] Okay.

Ari

A single tear goes down Quique’s face.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, okay. So, we have a goalie, right? Everybody else, uh…

Kyle (as Fede)

Yeah, so where do you want me?

Kyle

Fede says.

Ari (as Quique)

Okay. You go to the front next to Bruno, and then Sparky and I are the defense. Does that work for you, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah-yeah, that works. We’ll defend so good.

Ari (as Quique)

We’ll defend so good.

Kyle

Bruno looks at you very heartfelt.

Kyle (as Bruno)

We’ve always got your back, Aurelio.

Ari (as Quique)

Thank you, Bruno. You are my favorite. Don’t tell anybody else, but you are my favorite.

Ari

Kind of in a really low voice so that the—

Kyle

Roll Sneak.

Ari

Oh god.

Kyle

Roll +Slick.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Okay. Okay. Hang on.

Emily

So, if you succeed, you won’t talk about Bruno?

Ari

Yes, correct.

Tom

[Smiling.] No. Don’t do this.

Hallie

Seven-foot frame!

Ari

[Rolls.] So, I rolled an 8.

Kyle

That’s a mixed success, so that’s gonna be… The area around you is on high alert. That doesn’t make sense. You leave behind evidence… The only one that works is someone other than your target notices you sneaking.

Ari

Uh, hmm…

Tom

Can just a single tear go down X-Avier’s face?

[Over-dramatic tragedy music begins.]

Ari

X-Avier, since he knows that he’s not the favorite, overhears that.

Hallie

Even after his impassioned speech.

Tom

They’re having that conversation and then suddenly the camera focuses in the background of the shot and X-Avier is just standing there silently.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

I feel like we’re setting up for X-Avier to become the vengeful Quiclone that Eddie wishes he could have been.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Okay, let’s get a soccball match going!

Hallie

Let’s do it!

Kyle

Which is what Katrina is gonna say but a lot less nice. Alright, you got your fields. Katrina has just told everyone:

Kyle (as Katrina)

Just let me take care of it.

Kyle

And she points at Freddie.

Kyle (as Katrina)

You got a good eye for things.

Kyle (as Freddie)

I like to believe I do, yeah.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Go to goalie.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh yay.

Kyle

And he walks off, and he’s goalie.

[00:35:00]

Ari

Alright.

Kyle

What are you gonna try to do to score a point?

Emily

Be nice to Freddie!

Hallie

Uh, let’s call it the, um…

[Silly ghosty music begins.]

Oh, I can’t remember any player names now. Who was the one I really liked?

Ari

Which country?

Hallie

Um… Russia?

Ari

What?! What are you talking about? It wasn’t in the World Cup.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

{Unintelligible through laughter} …the World Cup! Wait, wait.

Ari

Russia wasn’t in the World Cup. What are you talking about?

Hallie

I thought Russia was in the World Cup.

Tom

Hallie, no.

Ari

Mbappé? The French guy?

Hallie

Mbappé! That’s who it was! Mbappé!

Ari

Mbappé? That one?

Kyle

That’s not Russian, that’s—

Tom

How did you—?

Kyle

Even I knew he was French.

Hallie

Well no, no, I didn’t remember the name at all until someone—

Ari

Oh! Wait. Are you talking about the Plus Ultra guy from the US?

Hallie

Oh, maybe I am. There were a lot of players that I liked and I don’t remember a fucking… I don't know.

Ari

What was his name? Pulisic.

Hallie

Pulisic! Yeah! I was gonna google “Plus Ultra player soccer team US,” but Google is not gonna know who I’m talking about based on that. Pulisic, yeah! So, I really just wanted a name for this maneuver, so we’ll call it—

Ari

The Pulisic-Mbappé maneuver.

Hallie

Yeah, which Sparky and Quique both know.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

I don’t think that they had a lot to do with each other before Quique was unfortunately paired with Sparky for this soccball club, but I feel like they at least had maybe one meeting where they were like ‘I like these things.’

Ari

Oh, Quique has shown previous videos of previous World Cups and maneuvers.

Hallie

Oh, excellent!

Ari

And the recap of the perfect goals of past games.

Hallie

Yes.

Ari

We probably don’t have to do it on this first move, but if things go super-poor, we can do the Netherlands maneuver of pretending to be hurt in order to get a penalty kick.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

We’ll save that for if things get really desperate.

Ari

That is a very desperate maneuver.

Hallie

For now, I like to think Sparky just nodded along with all these video tapes because she finds herself interested with all of her little magazines.

Ari

The bonding truly happened during that montage we did not see.

Hallie

During the montage we did not see but we will continue to reference whenever we need a reference for something.

Kyle

It got taped over on the video tape for the soccball matches.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

Alright. Then, I like to think Sparky just looks at Quique, even though Katrina presumably would not know what this even means, but she puts her hand in front of one side of her mouth to discretely whisper to Quique.

Kyle (as Katrina)

I know what gossip is.

[Quietly.] Hallie (as Sparky) The Pulisic-Mbappé maneuver?

No you don’t!

[Quietly.] Pulisic-Mbappé?

Ari

Quique will answer with this hand gesture which translates to yes, Mbappé-Pulisic maneuver.

Kyle

The Quiclones… No, they wouldn’t know.

Hallie

They don’t need to know. It’s fine. It’s fine!

Kyle

Because you didn’t like Sparky until after they were made, so they wouldn’t know what the secret code is.

Hallie

This is a surprise to them.

Ari

This is fine.

Kyle

I think X-Avier probably always liked Sparky, and that was another reason that he was shunned.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

It’s true.

Ari

He likes Lionel, and that is the…

Tom

Also true.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright, so…

Hallie

Alright, so we’re just gonna do that maneuver. I don't know what it is, but we’re gonna do it.

Ari

We’re gonna do it.

Kyle

Okay. Since it’s a complex maneuver, I’m gonna say one of you rolls Slick, but… what’s your Compatibility Score with each other?

Hallie

Oh…

Ari

I guess I didn’t increase it. It’s 0. I didn’t increase it. I haven’t increased it to +1, so it is 0.

Hallie

Oh… My score is +1.

Kyle

We can change it to +1 if you want, or we can keep it at 0.

Ari

Can there be a +.5?

Kyle

We discussed this, and mechanically it will be a +1 if only because you’re doing soccball.

Ari

Okay, I like that. You are now at .5, Sparky. So close.

Hallie

Yes!

Kyle

So, one of you can roll. I would recommend whoever’s Slick is highest.

Hallie

My Slick is 0.

Ari

My Slick is +2.

Hallie

Let’s go with that one.

Kyle

And then, you get to choose because you’re friends. Does Quique get +1 on his roll or is the effect of what he does bigger?

Tom (as X-Avier)

Go big or go home!

Hallie

The effect of—Shut up, X-Avier!

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Bruno)

Plus 1 is more consistently accurate.

Kyle (as Fede)

You know, I really think just choosing any option is fun.

Hallie

God damn it! I don't really know how I would make this bigger, so let’s just do the +1.

Kyle

Alright. Roll plus your Slick and then add an additional 1 to that.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] Ten total.

Kyle

Full success! So you get a point. Describe how you get a point.

[Sporty music begins.]

Hallie

Yay!

Ari

Oh! Sparky and I are so connected into what we are doing that, even though technically we’re not in the offense, we just know, we just know we’re connected, so we just pass the ball around and avoid everybody else.

Hallie

We’re kind of like a midfielder sort of a thing. We’re not pure defense, we’re just everything.

[00:40:00]

Ari

Yeah, we’re midfielder. One of us… I think Sparky, because she came up with that maneuver, which will make Quique super proud, will go alone like some midfielders do sometimes and go directly to the goal. Like, “oh, there she goes, there she goes,” while all the players go behind her.

Hallie

Just break off into a sweet side kick that goes into the top corner.

Ari

She does! Yes. The ones that are from the top. Agh!

Hallie

Agh! They’re so good.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Go, go, gooo!

Ari

Quique looks really proud at this.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Bruno)

Smooth moves, Quique.

Kyle

Bruno just has my voice.

[Laughter.]

Ari

He’s gonna finger-gun to Bruno.

Kyle

Katrina Kollect’em, fire in her eyes, snorting out like a really angry horse… That was a terrible descriptor. …turns towards Freddie with the ferocity of a cracked whip.

Kyle (as Katrina)

What the FUCK was that, zombie boy?

Ari (as Quique)

It’s called soccball, kid!

Hallie (as Sparky)

There’s no fucking swearing in soccball.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Fuck you!

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

The ref should have a new color card for swearing in the classroom during a soccball match.

Kyle (as Tucán)

[Coughing and hacking.] Caw…!

Kyle

Tucán spits out a timeout for Katrina.

Kyle (as Katrina)

I don’t even know what the—Hey! Wait, hey!

Kyle

And he flies over and he just picks her up by the scruff and pulls her into a little penalty box that he’s made out of tables.

Hallie

[Delighted.] A little penalty box! And then, to further our bigger macro goal, I want to:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Actually, there is no way that Freddie would have been able to block that because the angle at which I came ensured the ball would go either up or down, the two hardest places of the goal to block. So that one, that’s not Freddie’s fault.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

I would actually blame the defenders on that one.

Hallie

Looking pointedly at Katrina in the penalty box.

Kyle (as Katrina)

I’m not a defender, I’m a scorer.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh. You haven’t scored yet, so I didn’t know.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

OH~!

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

You know what I’m gonna do? Because it’s fun for me, even though it’s gonna be confusing for the audience and I try to simplify things. Because soccer has low goals, we’re gonna do 3 to 3 for clocks, but a mixed success will result in no one getting points.

Hallie

Oh my god! Okay.

Ari

What if a mixed success is when they score a goal but it was actually offside so it actually didn’t count?

Kyle

Every single mixed success is an offside.

Hallie

Every single one.

Kyle

Tucán eats the ball. You have to inflate a whole other one. You have to pull out a few more vuvuzelas from the kindergarteners because they just keep pulling them out of goddamn nowhere, even when they’re getting confiscated. It’s a whole ordeal that takes like ten minutes. Literally every mixed success.

Hallie

Is an offside.

Ari

Beautiful.

--

Kyle

Irene is like Edo Phoenix when the new guy came in at the third season. Oh, another duelist who is even better-better than the last best duelist in the world.

Hallie

“What? How does that keep happening?”

Tom

Poor Edo Phoenix, already replaced by Judai’s new boyfriend.

Ari

I forgot Edo Phoenix existed. I will be perfectly honest.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Laughs.] Aww.

--

Tom

I’m picturing Hilda just standing with her back towards people but like two feet away from them.

Hallie

Like less than two feet, like directly next to them.

Kyle

They turn into NPCs in Hitman when you get to close. They just turn robotically and say “excuse me.”

Tom

Hilda just scuttles away.

Kyle

After a couple of seconds, they return to their conversation.

Hallie

[Laughs.]