30. Irene's Rival (Part 3)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

Students duel the strongest Necromon Trainer that we have.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Run into action, Io! Goom!

Emily

[Disappointed.] Seven.

Kyle

Okay, mixed success, so your clock is gonna get filled by 1 and mine is gonna get filled by 1.

Tom

You’re old news, Hawthorne.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh hello, Miss Miszkiewicz. How is your investigation going?

Tom

Is there an underground jousting club? Is it real? Who better to ask than the actual Jousting Club.

Kyle

Katrina Kollect’em narrows her eyes.

What is your goal?

Hallie

Well, Goal 1, win, Goal 2, win in the more meaningful way: make them love soccball.

Ari

Yes.

Tom

X-Avier’s goal is to have a good time.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

Irene, you have done your attack. Io has blocked itself making it harder to hit next time. You can do something again. As a reminder, both your and Juniper’s clocks are 1 out of 4. Juniper you can see is… You know the math meme with the woman just staring and thinking with all the things behind her?

Hallie

Love that meme.

Kyle

It’s like that but with a smile. It’s infuriatingly oblivious and thoughtful at the same time.

Emily

It makes Irene unreasonably angry. Something about that expression sparks something in Irene. Juniper is having fun and not taking this as seriously as Irene is, and that feels deeply insulting.

Kyle

Because duels are fun.

Emily

Duels are not fun. Duels are serious business.

[Thoughtful silly music begins.]

So, what does the shield look like?

Kyle

It’s just big. It’s big feather wings. It’s in front of the bird.

Emily

In front of. Okay.

Kyle

Goom is also just sitting there, too, just a little melting orb.

Tom (as Goom)

[Braying.] Moog~

Kyle

The ball just vibrates a little bit.

Emily

I think I will have Mallea try to break through the defenses.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh, lay, um!

Emily

But I don’t want to do the Signature Attack yet, necessarily.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

So what if I wanted to attack both of them?

Kyle

You can only do one at a time unless you do your Body Slam. Since you’re not using your Body Slam, you can only attack one of them. Assuming you’re attacking Io, you are gonna roll with a -1, because it’s defending itself, and then you’re gonna roll with disadvantage because it is Arid and you are Nature.

Emily

I would like to use 2 AP.

Kyle

Okay?

Emily

Can I auto-succeed or will that just cancel out the disadvantages?

Kyle

One will give you advantage, 2 will auto-succeed.

Emily

Then I would like to spend 1 to cancel out the disadvantage.

Kyle

Okay. Are you gonna punch the bird?

Emily

I’m gonna punch the bird, which sounds very mean when I say it like that.

Kyle

Alright. How does Irene shout it out?

Emily

I’m trying to think of a good mushroom pun. We’ve got Turn Them to Mush, that’s the Signature Attack.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah… Porto-hello. I don't know.

Ari

Spores…

Hallie

Shroom… It’s like zoom, but you’re yelling shroom.

Kyle

That is fun.

Ari

Shroom it.

Hallie

Or you could just yell mush. That’s a dog thing.

Ari

Mush!

Hallie

Shroom it!

Ari

Mush-shroom it!

Emily

I like Maximum Sporce.

Ari

Maximum Sporce!

Hallie

Yeah, that’s the best one.

Emily

Yeah. Okay.

[Action sporty music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Mallea! Maximum Sporce!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Ari

As it just goes fast and faster, turning around and punching.

Kyle

Are you just gonna charge, punching into it?

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Alright, Emily, that’s gonna be Fierce. You’re gonna give me a roll. Add the Signature Stat and then -1, so it’s 2d6+1 total.

Emily

[Rolls.] It is an 8.

Kyle

Alright. That is another mixed success. It’s 2 to 2.

Emily

[Disappointed.] Eh…

Kyle

How does Mallea hit this thing?

Ari

By feinting to one side and then instead punching to the other.

Kyle

Just back and forth. Mallea’s just dodging back and forth. Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit. But, it starts getting more and more tired as the bird doesn’t back down. Walnut, doing narration, says:

[00:05:00]

Kyle (as Walnut)

The sheer force and anger circumvents, putting Mallea’s anger stat above Mallea’s Nature element, making it so that super-effective doesn’t matter. But, the super-powered defenses of Io still persevere!

Hallie

I love daem so much.

Kyle

Mallea’s just like ugh, ugh, slowing down, as the two separate, they’re both tired, and Io backs up.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That’s alright, Io. Back up and let Goom serve as the toppings.

Kyle

Goom is going to roll over and get in front of Io.

Tom (as Goom)

Moog.

Kyle

Essentially making it that, unless you Slick around, you’re going to have to attack that next. What do you do?

Emily

Take out Pokeyo.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope?

Emily (as Irene)

Pokeyo!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-KOPE!

Hallie

Just a screaming battle cry as Pokeyo comes barreling out of the card, executes a perfect flip in midair, and lands like a gymnast awaiting praise.

Emily

And is promptly pulled backwards because they’ve got a giant cactus on top of their back and are not meant to stand.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

No, no. Pokeyo has that factored in. It’s fine!

Tom

Not good for Pokeyo’s posture, though.

Hallie

Waddles. Spokeyosis…? Pokeyo lands it, and they’re ready. They’re so freaking ready.

Emily

Irene will also pat Mallea on the head because he’s very tired.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Subdued.] Uh-lay-um.

Kyle

Okay. What do you do?

Emily

I thought that every time there was a response, so I was just…

Kyle

Oh yeah. Juniper is—

Emily

I mean, you don’t have to! I’m fine if you don’t respond. That was just… I was explaining.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Juniper)

Okay! What do you do next?

Emily

Irene looks at her, deeply confused and upset by that.

Emily (as Irene)

What do you mean what am I going to do next? Are you going to do something?

Kyle (as Juniper)

I did my thing. Oh, that’s true, I probably… Maybe I can—

Kyle

And she starts reaching down to her bag as if she’s gonna grab something in there, and you just hear a SLAP.

Kyle (as Juniper)

[Staggered.] Ow… No! I, totally normal kid, want to just see what you’re gonna do next.

Emily

Irene gives her another look.

Hallie

Pokeyo is also deeply confused and will shoot a look back at Irene that’s like “you kidding me? What… What is this about?”

Emily (as Irene)

Pokeyo!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

[Sporty organ music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Barreling In!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-EEEE-kope!

Hallie

Kyle, I spiked my audio so hard on that. I’m so sorry.

Kyle

You’re gonna have Pokeyo attack?

Hallie

Oh yeah.

Emily

I want Pokeyo to heal my mon.

Hallie

Oh, I’m sorry, I completely misunderstood.

Emily

That’s the Signature Attack. I’m sorry. Pokeyo is a healer.

Hallie

I know, but…!

Emily

But.

Hallie

But. But!

Kyle

What if, for fun, we did both? You roll and you healed no matter what.

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

Yeah. Roll me… I would say Fierce for the attack or Books for the healing.

Emily

I’ll roll for the attack.

[Rolls.] Seven! Ugh.

Hallie

Seven…

Kyle

But you heal. So, how do you attack both and then heal?

Emily

You can add or tell me I’m wrong, Hallie, but I feel like Pokeyo just came out so raring to go…

Hallie

So raring to go.

Emily

…that maybe they overshot at first and just slammed straight into their opponents and then went and healed.

Hallie

Honestly, Pokeyo just missed the first time but then pretended that they were trying to heal that whole time. They barreled in, they missed, so they turned around and just turned that little attack into healing. How does Pokeyo heal? Have we discussed what it looks like when Pokeyo heals?

Kyle

Well, there was electricity, so I was thinking Pokeyo does the Sonic spin-dash, electricity just kind of discharges off onto the other mon.

Hallie

Yes. Pokeyo turns their Sonic spin-dash into that and then that’s what happens.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. Since it was a mixed success, we’ll say the healing works and the attack doesn’t.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fair.

Kyle

So, it’s 2 to 1. You’ve healed, but you haven’t done damage. Goom, who you can see is unaffected—so maybe Pokeyo spins and then THUMP.

Tom (as Goom)

[Various low neighing sounds, huffing.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] I don’t like the sounds Tom is making.

[Scary musical sting plays.]

Kyle

Goom, as it starts making its form again, starts solidifying until… it pops, into a translucent green identical replica of Pokeyo.

Hallie

No! NO!

Emily

See, I really didn’t want this to happen.

Hallie

Pokémon: The First Movie! I don’t want it! I don’t want it! No!

Tom (as Goom)

[Still low and neighing.] Oh-ee-kope.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Upset.] Oh-ee-kope.

Tom (as Goom)

Oh-ee-kope.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Weakly.] Oh-ee… kope.

[00:10:00]

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Okay, Hilda, you’re exploring. Tell me what you do next.

Tom

We were on our way to the Jousting Club when we last left off.

Kyle

Yeah, you’re at the Jousting Club. The noises were very chaotic and sporadic, but here you just hear a three, two, one… whistle! Scuffle, scuffle, thud… Stop!

It’s very organized, but it’s not actually like “STOP,” it’s:

[Calmly.] Stop. Go. Point. Stop.

[Awkward silly music begins.]

Very formal. As you walk in, you see Vice Principal Keyhole with a whistle instructing the jousting kids.

Hallie

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Tom (as Hilda)

Ugh, what the F?

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom

Hilda’s just going to awkwardly side-eye the vice principal, wonder how he could possibly have gotten here before her, and then realize that’s a bad line of questioning.

Hallie

Lockers.

Kyle

He turns to you, looks formally, and says:

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Alright, you can continue without me.

Kyle

And he just sidles up to you and quietly says:

Kyle (as Keyhole)

So, how is our investigation going?

Tom (as Hilda)

[Hushed, exasperated.] You asked me that like two minutes ago.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

And so we have two minutes more of investigation to cover.

Tom (as Hilda)

I came here to investigate.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh… Well then, proceed.

Tom

Hilda’s going to slowly back away, eyes not leaving the vice principal for the moment until she’s close-ish to a group of the kids jousting.

Kyle

They turn and look at you.

Kyle (as kid 1)

So, what do you want?

Tom (as Hilda)

Hi. My name is Hilda. I was just wondering—

Kyle (as kid 1)

Hilda who?

Tom (as Hilda)

Hilda Miszkiewicz.

Kyle (as kid 1)

Okay.

Kyle

One of them takes out a book. They’re both dressed very… They dress like smaller Keyholes except they’re more formal.

Hallie

Oh Christ.

Kyle

Keyhole is trying to be friendly. These kids are snooty as hell. They’ve got combed-over light brown hair, emotionless eyes, and pressed school uniforms even though Valley Public Schools doesn’t have a uniform.

Tom

Oh my god.

Emily

Booker will latch onto one of their pant legs and start tugging.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

They look down and just gently… not kick aggressively, but kind of motion their leg to shoo you away.

Kyle (as kid 1)

Shoo. Shoo, now.

Emily (as Booker)

[Grumbling, mouth closed.] Rekoob. Rekoob! Rekoob.

Kyle (as kid 1)

Who has let this beast in here?

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

As I was saying before, I’m here on behalf of the school newspaper, sanctioned by our vice principal, looking into club roles and club retention. I had a few questions about former members of your club.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody with Slick, because you’re definitely not for the school newspaper, but with +1 because you are correct about Keyhole.

Tom

Can I argue for another bonus?

Kyle

Yeah, hit me.

Tom

So, so, so… First I should actually ask, does Sparky Malarky have a skill that would be relevant to this?

Hallie

I mean, Investigation.

Tom

So I could implement My Friends Are My Teachers, gaining +1 forward on any rolls related to a skill used by a fellow PC, because Hilda is just trying to copy Sparky Malarky here.

Hallie

Yeah, this feels pretty squarely inside Investigation.

Kyle

Okay. I’ll give you another +1 for that.

Tom

That’s, uh…

Kyle

Slick +2.

Tom

Joy, oh joy. Let’s roll.

[Rolls.] That is a 7 overall.

Kyle

Okay! Good that you had those, very good. You get to make a choice. Either something is preventing them from answering your questions, they ask for something in return, they make one inconvenient misunderstanding, or they’re temporarily upset with you.

Tom

They ask for something in return.

Kyle (as kid 1)

The school newspaper, you say?

[Sinister mystery music begins.]

You know, we have been, uh… we’ve submitted articles for quite some time that haven’t made their way in, articles of utmost importance.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well, it’s your lucky day. If this article is on schedule, that frees up a lot of time for people to work on the submission list. In fact, I think I have a form right here.

Tom

It is a blank piece of spiral notebook paper.

Tom (as Hilda)

Fill this out with all of the articles you have pending and I can push them to the front of the line.

Kyle (as kid 1)

You can guarantee it?

Tom

It’s a Sparky Malarky guarantee.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yeah, name-drop me. That’ll go really well for you.

Kyle

One of them narrows their eyes.

Kyle (as kid 2)

But didn’t you say it was—

Kyle (as kid 1)

No-no. No, Henry Hanrenheid. We go entirely by full names here. No-no, Henry Hanrenheid, we can finally get our opinions on…

Kyle

I don't know what’s topical nowadays. The kids wouldn’t either. Um…

[00:15:00]

Kyle (as kid 1)

We can finally get our opinions on the inaccuracies of the Twilight movies, a very modern complaint, finally submitted. What questions do you have for us?

Tom (as Hilda)

So, I just want to ask have there been any members of your club that have left the club recently?

Kyle (as kid 1)

Tch, who hasn’t left the club recently?

Kyle (as Henry)

Don’t say that so close to Keyhole. You know how emotional he gets.

Kyle

We turn over and Keyhole is just staring, completely blank, even keel.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Completely dead-faced.

[Sinister mystery music begins.]

Kyle (as kid 1)

Since the beginning of the year, it seems like no one is interested in conventional jousting anymore. They hazard more to be like that beast.

Kyle

And they look at you, Booker.

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob?! Rekoob. Rekoob. Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Let’s stay on topic, everyone.

Kyle (as kid 1)

Yes, let’s.

Tom (as Hilda)

Do you have any specific people who left the club, perhaps because they didn’t agree with your sense of decorum and rules?

Kyle (as kid 1)

Hmm. Well, it all seemed to start when that infernal new student came.

Tom (as Hilda)

Who?

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Music changes to silly music.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

There’s no way that poor pathetic team is gonna do well without me, Katrina Kollect’em.

Kyle

Katrina is pouting from her box.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Won’t be able to win without Katrina… Got it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Don’t write that down, Freddie. Don’t, don’t, don’t write that down.

Kyle (as Freddie)

But, but she just told me to—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, well for the record, I think that you could, but we’re not gonna do that because then it would be four to five players. How long do they stay in the penalty box, Quique?

Ari (as Quique)

Well, since this is a newly stated rule because of the swearing thing, I don't know what you think would be fair.

Hallie (as Sparky)

If we had a rotating team of other people, we could swap in, I’d say we keep her out, but we don’t. We want it to be a challenge.

Ari (as Quique)

That’s fair. You truly have learned the rules of this game, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’ve never learned the rules to anything in my life and I’ve learned the rules to soccball.

Ari (as Quique)

[Strained.] I might say I am… ‘proud’ of you.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari (as Quique)

Ahem. Anyways. Yes, she can come, she can come in.

Hallie

Sparky’s a little bit frozen by the ‘proud…’ and it completely ruins the really good— She was winning this Katrina thing, and now she’s—

Kyle

Yeah, Katrina’s taken aback.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

[Stammers.] Well, uh… you’re sure? I mean, yeah, my team needs me. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Kyle

She walks up and she’s a bit rattled. I’m gonna say you have +2 on your next roll because you have rattled Katrina to her very core.

Hallie

Hell yeah. Sparky can’t even enjoy it because she’s been rattled to her very core by this proud thing.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Yeah. Sweet! Uh…

Ari (as Quique)

Alright.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright!

Ari (as Quique)

Yes. Okay. So, let us keep what we’re doing, make another one of our maneuvers without letting the other team get us. You’re gonna be okay, Sparky?

Hallie

… The pause isn’t in character. Uh…

Ari (as Quique)

Alright. Alright. Yeah, you’re gonna be fine. Don’t make a big deal out of—

Hallie

The pause is not—No!

Ari (as Quique)

Let’s just… Don’t make a big—That’s what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to say it. You’re making a big deal out of it. It’s okay.

Hallie

[Smiling.] No! She’s not! She’s not pausing! I just froze for a second.

Kyle

I’d say commit to it.

Hallie

No—Okay.

Tom

I love the idea of Sparky Malarky shouting “it’s not canon, this isn’t happening in character.”

[Laughter.]

Hallie

It’s not canon!

Hallie (as Sparky)

What? Oh, no, I was just thinking about, um…

Hallie

The thing is, the name I want to do is German Aggression, but I don't know that that’s a good name, and I’m thinking that’s just because the German soccer team in the World Cup is always just so aggressive.

Ari

It is so aggressive.

Kyle

Call it… I’m gonna piss off all of our German viewers. Call it the Volkswagen Aggression.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

No-no, I was just thinking about what maneuver we should do next. How about Volkswagen Aggression?

Ari (as Quique)

Ah! That is a classic. Let us just avoid the—

Kyle

Germany is now Volkswagen, the proud country of Volkswagen.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Volkswagen!

Tom

I feel like this is somehow worse than saying Germany Aggression.

Kyle

Oh, it’s far worse.

Tom

Isn’t Germany’s team just associated with aggressive play in general?

Ari

It is. Oh boy, they’re very aggressive.

Tom

So like, in this context, it makes sense.

Hallie

It is, but the sentence German Aggression just seemed wrong.

Tom

But people can use context. You’re allowed to say things.

Kyle

German Aggression is fine. Go ahead with whatever.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Let’s go with German Volkswagen Aggression.

Hallie

We’re just doing both now. The German Wagon. German Wagon! That’s what we’re going for. German Wagon!

Ari (as Quique)

That is a classic. Let us just  not do the one in the infamous game where the goalie decided that he should be a player. That should not be part of the aggression.

[00:20:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

You’re not a player, X-Avier. You’re the goalie.

Tom

X-Avier slides back to the goal from like midfield.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

He was like creeping forward.

Ari (as Quique)

Perfect. You’re doing great. Stay there and keep doing what you’re doing. Alright, let’s do it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright, let’s go!

Hallie

We’re doing this, and Ari should roll again, because—

Tom

You should have called it the Aggressive Bandit maneuver.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Fuck you!

Kyle

Because it’s the aggression move, I’m gonna say you have to roll Fierce this time.

Hallie

No!

Ari

Fierce? Okay.

Hallie

Okay. My Fierce is a 0.

Ari

My Fierce is also a 0.

Hallie

Oh shoot.

Ari

So, should I be the one that rolls still?

Hallie

I mean, you do historically have a better success rate than my dice.

Ari

[Rolls.] Well, I rolled a… How do you call a crit success? Malaita?

Hallie

[Shrieks in delight.]

Ari

Plus 2, so I rolled a 14.

Hallie

[Shrieks.]

Ari

Double sixes!

Hallie

Double sixes! Malaita!

Ari

Malaita!

Hallie

Malaita!

[Western duel music begins.]

Kyle

This wins the soccball match. I just don’t know how.

Ari

Man, well…

Hallie

I have an idea. It goes into the goal, but it is such an aggressive kick that it bounces out of the goal, back to X-Avier who gives it such a slammin’ high-ten that it goes back into the goal a second time from across the field.

Tom

One addendum to that. That’s not how X-Avier defends the goal.

Ari

Oh? Please.

Tom

As it’s coming in, he twists as if you were hitting the ball with your hips or side, but he just literally bends his spine to the side and smacks the ball back.

Ari

[Amused.] Oh no. Is this another scoliosis joke?

Kyle

God.

Tom

[Smirking.] I’ve been waiting the whole match for this.

Ari

Quique gives himself scoliosis to defend.

Tom (as X-Avier)

That’s the Scoliosis Shuffle, everyone. Ha-ha!

Hallie

Scoall-iosis!

Ari

Scoalliosis?

Hallie

SCOALL-iosis!

Tom

[Chuckling.] Sc-goalliosis.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

After X-Avier does that, Sparky wants to say:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look, he didn’t have to leave the goal for that one.

Ari (as Quique)

Huh. You know, I never saw that happen, so I didn’t see that in the rules, but you know what, there is nothing here that says that it is not a true rule.

Ari

And I want to use another Why Would I Lie and make it a valid move.

Kyle (as Tucán)

[Hacking.] Caw…!

Kyle

Tucán spits out a whistle which he then picks up and he tweets through doing a giant whistle that calls the end of the match.

[Happy college music plays.]

The kids are cheering. “soccball! soccball!”

Kyle (as Freddie)

Soccball is so cool. I didn’t know you could do rules like that. Maybe I should try that sometime.

Kyle

Freddie starts jumping up, and all the kids are charging with the exception of Katrina who stands still and kind of looks at you, Sparky.

Ari

Quique will high-five Sparky. Well, all of the team, but Sparky most of all.

Kyle

Oh, they high-five you back, Fede with one of his feet.

Tom

X-Avier is high-fiving everyone.

Hallie

Just pure joy.

Kyle

Just waking up to all the children, all the kindergarteners.

Hallie

This is the only time people have willingly high-fived X-Avier.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Sparky will… she’s high-fiving everybody. She and Quique share a particularly good high-five.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

Then she’s going to go off a little bit so that she and Katrina are a little bit more in private.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, if you wanted to joust, why didn’t you just join the Jousting Club?

Kyle

Hilda, that’s when you finally find Katrina Kollect’em.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Hilda kicks open the door.

Tom (as Hilda)

Katrina Kollect’em. I found you at last.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Who are you?

[Silly music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Didn’t we fight in the tournament last year? You lost.

Kyle (as Katrina)

The… Oh! That Necro-thing? Yeah. That was so last year.

Tom (as Hilda)

It was, yeah.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Yeah, so I don’t think about it anymore. I’m more into team sports like soccball.

Tom (as Hilda)

Wha…?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, she’s into soccball. She’s on the soccball team now, Hilda. Isn’t that great? So, you do, you’re on… Why are you here?

Hallie

That’s to Hilda.

Tom (as Hilda)

So, is there no underground jousting club? This was all made up?

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, I have never heard of it, but I guess that’s the point of an underground club. I don't know why, but I feel like X-Avier would probably know about things like that, but unfortunately he’s long gone.

Hallie (as Sparky)

He’s already gone.

Kyle

Katrina kinda looks between all of you.

Kyle (as Katrina)

I don't know what you’re talking about.

Kyle

She takes the little horse that she had sheathed like a sword and just starts pushing it a bit further back behind her shirt.

Hallie

Oh my god.

[00:25:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

I can see the horse.

Kyle

Which, if I remember, is like a tank top, so it’s very visible. It’s poking out, it’s bulging.

Tom (as Hilda)

You’re not hiding anything.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

So, basically, I know you left the Jousting Club and I’m supposed to find out if there’s another jousting club, but this is the soccball Club. I don't know what’s going on.

Emily (as Booker)

[Emphatically.] Rekoob, rekoob, rekoob… rekoob!

Emily

Booker points his little legs to the soccball club, to Katrina, to the horse, wiggles his little legs like he’s running, and then pokes out his little legs like he’s stabbing… and then points back to Katrina, trying to tell Hilda the story that he’s created of Katrina’s epic quest to turn the soccball team into an underground jousting club.

[Chuckling.]

Tom (as Hilda)

I mean, that’s possible, bud, but that seems a little farfetched.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Kyle (as Katrina)

Absolutely farfetched.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Hallie (as Sparky)

I don't know, the book is right, based on literally everything that she was saying and doing here at the soccball Club. Is that right, Quique?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, that seems about right. You know, thinking about it, all of it comes together pretty neatly.

Tom (as Hilda)

So you never once tried to turn this into a club that it wasn’t supposed to be, hmm?

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob…?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

Uh…

Kyle

She looks between you, Sparky, and you, Quique.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Nope.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Fucking liar.

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh well. I was going to say that I thought your chaotic version of the jousting club would be way better than the real one, which is full of squares, but thanks for letting me know. I will let you get back to playing soccball.

Kyle

I want you to—No, I’m not gonna have you roll. That was too good. So you’re just walking away?

Tom

Yeah.

Emily

Booker sadly trails after Hilda.

Hallie

I give Katrina an expectant look, like a very annoying adult figure, because I am that now.

Emily

Despite the fact that you fought her to get—

Hallie

No, I want her to follow Hilda. She clearly wants to be in the jousting club.

[Dramatic nostalgic western music begins.]

Kyle

Katrina’s brow furrows as she spends a long time thinking. She looks at you, Sparky, and back at Hilda, and then you and then back, and then you and back. You don't know what she’s looking for, but it’s almost like she’s looking for approval. Eventually, as you’re walking away, Hilda, you hear:

Kyle (as Katrina)

No, wait! No, no, no! I was trying to do something cool! Hilda! Hilda! It’s really cool things, I gotta tell you all about it.

Kyle

Katrina Kollect’em says as she canters after you.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Okay, okay, okay. I know this announcement break is relatively late in the episode. I was gonna do it in between Hilda’s investigation and then the resolution of both Hilda and Quique and Sparky’s thing, but the transition into who did it to Katrina saying her name was just so good, so here we are at an announcement break at the end.

The announcement breaks recently have been talking about the Valentine’s Day stream I did with Emily. We did that! We did that and it was great. Thank you so much to everybody who came out and listened. If you’d like to watch it, you can see it all sorts of places. You can go over to our Twitch, you can go over to YouTube, or you can check out our Patreon where it is one of the most recent posts and it’s a free post available to everyone.

One post that’s not available to everyone is the duel rules that I made for this session, for Necromon dueling. It involves a lot more than what I just did here. Not only does it include the basic fundamentals, but it also includes a whole entire list of special abilities you can give your mon for these kinds of duels. So, if you’re running your own game of Under the neighborhood and want to have stuff like that, check out our Patreon. It is available to all Kingpecker and above subscribers.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Do you, uh… do you miss Flashback Future? Do you miss those sci-fi western shenanigans? Well then, you can check out LOOTERS!

[Game show music begins.]

Yes, a show so nice we promoted it twice. Technically three times, but twice in a row now. LOOTERS is an actual play podcast using the Stars Without Numbers game system where a hilarious cast of friends go on action-packed sci-fi western adventures in a universe full of different factions vying for control over the outer rims.

[00:30:00]

Follow the LOOTERS crew as they run from giant space lizards, face off against intergalactic outlaws, and occasionally deal with roommate shenanigans aboard their ship.

You can tune in for new episodes of LOOTERS every Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts or at looterspodcast.com.

[Music ends.]

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you this week. One last thing. The scoliosis thing, that was coming from personal experience, so I want to make it clear that we were not just making fun of scoliosis and people who have it out of nowhere. That was a very inside joke with friends, so I wanted to make that clear.

Our next episode, the college episode which I still have not named, will be coming out in two weeks on Monday, February 4. If you’d like additional stories, artwork, or behind the scenes insights, you can find them at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Upbeat duel music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

Irene! What was it…? Oh, Goom turned into Pokeyo.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Kyle

What do you do next?

Emily

What are the clocks right now?

Kyle

She has a 1 out of 4. You have a 2 out of 4.

Emily

Okay. Okay.

Emily (as Irene)

Mallea, Turn Them To Mush!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Kyle

You and I talked about this beforehand. Since Mallea is going to get even bigger and pounce on everything, we were gonna do 2, 2, and 2. So, full success, you fill by 2, mixed success, you both fill by 2, failure, hers fills by 2.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Emily

[Smiling.] I would like to use 2 AP.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] You cheap piece of shit. Fuck you! Go to hell!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Irene wants to win! That’s what you do to win.

Emily

Okay. You just made it so that they had healing. Screw you, you deserve this.

Kyle

And I didn’t use it!

Emily

Yet.

Kyle

Fine. Fine. Sure, yeah. Your clock fills by 4. You win. Describe how you beat both mon. Juniper is excited, and I am dying to know.

Emily

Irene, like… This was really important, so I feel like she took the time to do a little routine with Mallea, like put her hands on its shoulders, hyping him up like at wrestling matches when the wrestlers are getting into the ring and the coaches are like “oh yeah, get ready, get ready.”

[High-octane rock music begins.]

Then, she brings her whole body up and brings both hands over her head, swings them down, and points and yells as loud as she can. And Mallea takes his flying leap, growing huge, and slams stomach-first over both of the other Necromon.

Kyle (as Walnut)

And Mallea takes a flying leap. This one is excellent because, even if Irene does poorly, she’d still be in the fight, but she can take out Juniper in one fell swoop.

[Heavy thud sound. Music ends.]

Kyle

When Mallea gets up, the Necromon are gone, and we can see their little essence go back into the card. Do you look at Juniper?

Emily

Sort of. Irene stands to the side, crosses her arms, and tips up her chin a little bit, and looks over but tries to make it look so she’s not looking over.

Kyle

Juniper’s head is down. It’s doing the thing where her eyes are shadowed by the hat.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That was…

[Twinkle SFX.]

…an excellent warmup!

[Magical girl music begins.]

Kyle

Juniper’s head pops up and she has a big boisterous smile.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Now it’s time for the gobstopper. Io, Goom, swirl!

Kyle

Juniper does something that you have never seen before, Irene, something that even Walnut can’t narrate because no one has seen it before. She takes her cards and throws them up into the air above her and the cards twirl. This light, the blue light of them, starts latching on and connecting them to each other until the two cards fuse together.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Give them a king-size dessert, Goomio!

Ari & Tom (as Goomio)

[In both Io’s and Goom’s voices.] Oeee-moog!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

On the ground in front of you is Io, again, but it looks a little different. At first you thought it was taller, but it’s just holding itself taller. It has its head high in the air.

[00:35:00]

Its wings look much more regal and crown-like, and a long candy wrapper goes down its back like a majestic cape. Notably, you notice that it has three little gummy-like orbs on its feather crown. One of them, a kind of dark mossy one, activates, and Juniper yells.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Juniper)

Goomio, let’s do…! Now, what was it called again? Oh, right.

[Mossie battle theme begins.]

Surprise It Has Teeth!

Emily

[Exasperated exhale.]

Kyle

The beak opens and teeth come out. I’m gonna need you to roll with disadvantage.

Hallie

That sucks.

Emily

[Rolls.] Seven! Have I rolled anything but 7? Oh wait, I rolled one 8.

Hallie

It’s the new 6.

Emily

[Groans.]

Kyle

You go to dodge this thing. I’m gonna say it attacks… we’ll say it attacks Mallea.

Emily

No…

Kyle

How does Mallea respond?

Ari

Mallea looks at Irene all confused.

Emily (as Irene)

You can do it! You can do it, Mallea!

Ari (as Mallea)

[Uncertain.] Uh-lay-um…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

It goes to bite and Mallea knocks it back as it does some damage, filling her clock to 2 out of 4, but the bird slides back. Even though you should have done killing damage, again, or you should have done knock-out damage, another gem, this one sparkling with electricity, lights up. The electricity goes all over its body and it heals by a point.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Irritated.] Oh-ee-kope!

Kyle

So we’ll say it’s 2-2.

Emily

Two-two?

Kyle

Yeah, 2 to 2.

Hallie

Pokeyo is offended.

Emily

So, how many AP do I have to spend in order to get another one of those attacks?

Kyle

One.

Emily

One?!

Kyle

Yeah.

[Music ends.]

Emily

So, I could technically have Mallea do another one. Strategically, would Boidelrat be significantly worse if I had Boidelrat jump out and do an attack?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

If we want to do simplicity, you could also overextend, if you’re just panicking being like “I don't know, Mallea, do the same thing again.”

Emily

Yeah, I feel like…

Kyle

I wanna know how Irene’s feeling. She just saw mon fuse. You don’t do that.

Emily

Well, thankfully, Irene is an expert at repressing things. She may be spiraling, but it’s deep on the inside right now. It’s mostly just anger.

Kyle

She’s not an expert at knowing her limits, though, is she?

Emily

No, so I am going to use Overextends. The first time Irene had been hyping up Mallea, doing the little wrestler thing, but this time after Mallea gets conked in the face she scoops him up and gives him a tight squeeze.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Struggling.] Uh-lay-um.

Emily (as Irene)

Are you okay? Are you okay?!

Ari (as Mallea)

[Weak.] Uh-lay-um… um.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes, you’re okay.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Whining.] Uh-lay-um.

Emily (as Irene)

You can do this.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um.

Emily

And she turns it back around and sets it down gently.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Bouncing back.] Uh-lay-um… um, uh-lay-um.

[High-octane rock music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Turn, Them, To, Mush!

Kyle

Thud, thud, thud. The pounding in your head is getting even harder with the emphasis of your own words and the stress breaks in.

Emily

Irene feels nauseous. The pointing hand is shaking.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Kyle

Roll me 2d6 +Fierce.

Emily

[Rolls.] You said it’s +2?

Kyle

Yes, but I was thinking of adding something. So, statistically, you have better odds of winning with the +2. If you didn’t have them, statistically, Juniper would have better odds.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

I think for interesting’s sake, we’re gonna make it flat even. As Mallea goes to do the impact, Juniper says:

Kyle (as Juniper)

Goomio, now!

Kyle

Goomio takes its wings out and goes to protect itself, doing the protection barrier that Io did, making it statistically literally 50-50 odds, basically.

Hallie

Hell yeah.

Emily

So tell me again what our clocks were?

Kyle

Yours was 2 and hers was 2, so whoever gets this wins.

Emily

So, a mixed success…

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

Mallea slams down. Blue light explodes. It’s like the explosion that Hilda saw right before she dueled Irene. It explodes. I don't know if Irene falls over or what. Juniper definitely digs her heels in with her little ice Heelys.

Emily

Irene, I feel like, was about to fall over, but her Necromon managed to balance her out.

Hallie

Aww.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So, Irene falls over.

[00:40:00]

Because, as this explosion of energy erupts, the blue barrier around you is completely gone and there is nothing on the field. It’s silent. Last time Walnut erupted, cheering, when it was Hilda versus Irene, but no one knows what to make of this draw. Well, almost no one.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That was so cool!

[Happy ending music begins.]

Kyle

Juniper starts jumping up and down, really excited. Her voice echoes in this quiet place.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That was… Yeah, that was so cool!

Kyle

And then, in response to her, Mr. Jimothy is just awkwardly golf-clapping.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, right-right-right. Ahem. … That, was…

Kyle

And she twirls around and does a little pose.

Kyle (as Juniper)

…sweet!

Emily

Irene continues to sit there in silence.

Kyle (as Mr. Jimothy)

So uh, well, um… the rules, I don’t think, um… Who duels everyone else now?

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, Mr. Jimothy, don’t worry about it. Irene’s clearly so good, and I’m not gonna have a duel that cool. I’m gonna need some time to cool down a little bit.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m taking a walk!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene says, slowly shakily pushing herself up and definitely not limping out into the hallway.

[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]

Hallie

Her Necromon are making sure that it isn’t as obvious that she’s struggling.

Emily

Once Irene is sure that no one can perceive her, she just crumples. There’s no way she’s gonna win another duel.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Ari

Is Quique also there? Yeah, right?

Kyle

Yeah, Quique can be there.

Hallie

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kyle

We’ll say that he said his farewells to the clones.

Ari

Oh yeah, yeah, especially to Bruno.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] His favorite.

Ari

Because he’s his favorite one.

Kyle

Deep hugs, soulful, holding each other’s shoulders, like “I’ll see you again, brother.”

Ari

Yes. It was very emotional.

Tom

Bruno’s just doing the Terminator 2 thumbs up as he slowly melts away.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Unfortunately, that emotional moment also got written over on the VHS tape just like the montage that we’ll never see.

Hallie

Just like the montage of Sparky and Quique bonding.

Emily

X-Avier did it on purpose.