31. Skapocalypse

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

Hello, guests and ghouls. Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the roleplaying system Under the Neighborhood. I am Kyle, he/him, and today I, my four best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about college death. It’s like college life, but I did dead instead of life.

Hallie

I thought it was a college debt joke.

Tom

Yeah, same.

Kyle

It’s like college debt, but I didn’t think of that much better pun.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

I genuinely thought you said the word debt as well.

Hallie

Student moans.

Kyle

Alright, who am I playing with today?

Ari

I am Ari, she/her. I play Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, he/him, the opportunist who adapts and creates copies.

Emily

I am Emily. My pronouns are they/them. I play Irene Hawthorne whose pronouns are she/her, and she is the Necromon Trainer who overextends.

Tom

Hi, I’m Tom. My pronouns are he/him. I’m playing Hilda Miszkiewicz, the guardian who pulls pranks and escapes, whose pronouns are she/her.

Hallie

And I’m Hallie, pronouns she/her, and I am playing Sparky Malarky, the intuition who investigates and has a mascot suit, also she/her.

Kyle

Alright. This week, and two weeks from now… and, if I stay on track, only those two episodes… we’re going to college! We’re gonna visit Skulliard, the big college in Necropolis. Just like how last time our Slice of Life Complication was a bit different and more setting-wide, we’re gonna do the same thing this time. So, Skulliard has a big prospective student visitation going on, and I want to know what big official or unofficial event is going on during that visitation.

Hallie

I think there should be a ‘play in a day’ student film festival going on, like specifically make a film in 48 hours or whatever. There’s this really annoying gaggle of students trying to film a music video called Worst Mistake, and they just keep getting in everybody’s way.

Kyle

I will let you know, when we filmed Worst Mistake, we annoyed Iowa, not our college.

Hallie

We filmed Best Mistake! I made a clever joke also, in reference to us.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Oh. I’m so sorry.

Hallie

That video won awards, Kyle.

Ari

It was.

Kyle

It did. It did win an award.

Emily

Did you both get the award trophy thing or did just Kyle get it?

Ari

Just Kyle.

Kyle

No, just me.

Hallie

Just Kyle, yeah.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Emily

You were the one who got it and you couldn’t even remember the right name?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Kyle, I want the trophy.

Ari

I want the trophy! I edited the video!

Emily

Give Ari the trophy. Give Hallie and Ari each half of the trophy.

Kyle

I directed it! I managed it!

Hallie

Just break it and then give us—What did I do?! Did I write it?

Kyle

You helped write it. That was it.

Hallie

Okay. I feel like I didn’t actually do anything for it. I was just kind of there.

Tom

I know for a fact “I” did almost nothing on the presentation. I suggested one idea that made it into the final draft.

Kyle

Okay. What are our other Slice of Life Complications?

Tom

Part of the campus has been just sealed off, metal plates bolted over the windows and all of that, like a big vault door in front of the main door into the building, and everyone thinks there might be some sort of killing game going on inside. Everyone just keeps hearing a {Monokuma laugh} from within.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Why?! … I have two. One is just a way to plug the spoon game. What was that? It was so funny.

Tom

What…?

Ari

Did you not play the spoon game?

Tom

I have no memory of the spoon game.

Ari

You have no memory of the spoon game?

Emily

I was so afraid and I wasn’t participating. Sometimes people would just scream and jump out of nowhere.

Ari

You all had a spoon, like a plastic spoon, and you got a target that you had to kill with your spoon.

Tom

This is the game that Stephon was good at. I remember you telling me about this.

Ari

It was the game that Stephon killed me at, yes. He killed me with his spoon.

Tom

Ohh.

Ari

You had to go and target somebody when they didn’t have a spoon, so you always had to have your spoon, and you didn’t know who was your assassin. I knew Stephon was my assassin and I got cocky, so I just put the spoon in the front of that round table at Slick Shoes and stared at him.

[00:05:00]

Like, “ah yes, I know it’s you, come at me.” And he like ninja jumped across the table.

Kyle

Just leapt right across it.

Ari

And touched me with his spoon and killed me.

Kyle

Meanwhile, my super proud moment with that game was freshman year. I went up to the fourth floor. People didn’t know each other then, so this person didn’t have any idea if I was a target. I was like “hey, I have this form for a new film based club. Could you sign it just so we can petition to get the club started?” And usually when they got into the signing mode they forgot about the spoon, so they’d set it down and I’d just stab them and be like “there’s no club.”

[Laughter.]

Hallie

That was the real stab.

Kyle

Okay, so spoon game.

Ari

So spoon game. The other is just a reference to the meme where somebody at the library wrote “we will have snakes” instead of “we will have snacks,” and there was this whole thing of there won’t be snakes in the library, we meant snacks, however in this case there are snakes which are just Necromon called…

Tom

Ekans.

Ari

…Nothyp, which is python in reverse. Nothyp, because snake is Ekans.

Hallie

I was gonna say, we can’t use Ekans or Arbok.

Ari

Nohtyp? Which is python in reverse. Nohtyp.

Tom

Nohtyp.

Ari

There are a lot of Nohtyps.

Tom

Ari, those are so good. Wtf?

Kyle

Those are very good.

Hallie

Yeah, those are both so good.

Kyle

Alright, Emily, what do you got?

Emily

Funnily enough, mine also involved snakes.

Hallie

Amazing.

Emily

Do you remember how we had pet therapy day where people would bring in their pets?

Kyle

Yeah.

Ari

Yes.

Emily

There are just some avid collectors of dangerous creatures that have brought all their precious pets in, and some of them may or may not have gotten loose in the common area.

Kyle

Alright. We’ve got… they’re doing a play in a day film festival, so there’s just a documentary team around all the time. Part of campus has been sealed off, there might be a killing game inside. There’s the spoon game. There’s a dangerous creatures pet therapy day. Or finally, we will have snakes. What are we feeling? And you can’t say all of them.

Hallie

Ugh!

Tom

Or can we?

Hallie

You can’t stop us.

Kyle

No! I’m gonna give you two max.

Hallie

I like spoon game.

Tom

Spoon game, definitely.

Ari

Yeah, I just want everybody to know about the spoon game.

Emily

I also like it because we’re supposed to be sneaking around. Right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

So then everyone’s sneaking and our hiding spots will be other people’s hiding spots, and that is very fun to me.

Hallie

Yeah. I want to play the spoon game.

Kyle

Oh, I’m gonna force you to play the spoon game.

Hallie

YES! Good.

Kyle

Alright. Do we want to do a second one or do we want just the spoon game?

Emily

I mean, you know, if somebody’s walking and there’s just a random snake, that’s cool.

Tom

I do desire snakes.

Kyle

Okay. Okay.

Tom

Give us the long dogs, the snoot boops.

Kyle

Alright. Well, before we get into snakes and spoon game, let’s talk about what happened last time.

[Recap music begins.]

It has been some time since last adventure. How long? I don't know, I don't care. It’s been some time. In our last adventure, everyone was at Valley Public Schools, specifically Valley Middle School. It was a very hot day, so everyone was trapped inside. Quique and Sparky met a new transfer student, Katrina Kollect’em, who tried to take over their sockball team and turn it into joustball with little fake horses, because she’s an equestrian.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Quique and Sparky however, with the help of the Quiclones, taught Katrina the love of the sport… which was kind of undermined immediately afterwards by Hilda. Hilda was recruited by Vice Principal Seth Keyhole to figure out the underground jousting club. After doing some investigation, she realized that Katrina was just trying to start an underground jousting club but was like, oh well, I guess you aren’t interested anymore, I guess I’ll just leave. And Sparky was like, we know you know the love of sockball, but… basically “go to her,” with her being jousting.

Hallie

[Emotional.] “Go… Get out of here!”

Kyle

Meanwhile, Irene… We met two of Irene’s siblings, Aubrey and Stella. Aubrey and Stella came to live with Irene after, you know, her eldest sibling prosecuted her for murder. Irene went to school and had a pretty good regular day, but because Ariel was absent from the Necromon Dueling Club, Irene had to duel with new Intermortal Transfer Student Juniper Brees. Unlike Katrina who just transferred from Flyover, Kansas, Juniper is dead. What kind of dead? Who knows?! Nobody, nobody knows.

[00:10:00]

Emily

You.

Kyle

I know. But, Juniper has transferred in from someplace in the Hereafter and is spending this year at Valley Public Schools, which is a little infuriating because, well, the unbeatable Irene Hawthorne tied with her in a duel. Irene would be more upset about that, but she’s really upset about Ariel, because Ariel didn’t show up and Ariel’s been acting weird in general. For example, Quique, through some sleuthing, has figured out that Ariel, on the tour that we’re gonna go on today, is going to play hooky to hang out with his daughter, Xochi.

[Music ends.]

So, that’s what happened. Before we get started on the adventure, I want to know, what have you been up to since last time? If you have pre-session rolls, like I know Ari has two and Hallie has one…

Hallie

Oh yeah.

Kyle

…I want you to do those rolls during your “what’s happening.” Tell me why they are the way they are.

Ari

Oh wait, this also means that I can change what I consider success and failure. Right?

Kyle

Yes. I don't know how to link that to character. You just get to change that, and then you get to roll Loaded Dice.

Ari

Yes. Two twos, success, two fours, failure.

Kyle

Okay. What’s your Loaded Dice roll?

Ari

[Rolls.] Eleven!

Kyle

Okay, 11! Quique is… I mean, it makes sense that Quique is prepared for today. Today is a big day.

Ari

Quique is prepared. I want him to have his skill to be sleuthing.

Kyle

Okay. What were your rolls, Hallie?

Hallie

My rolls were a 6 and a 4, and a 1 and a 5, which means I have pretty good stats this adventure. I have a +3 in Heart and a +1 in Books, and a -2 in Fierce, and a +2 in Slick!

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Any reason Sparky’s got those stats today?

[Light hearted music begins.]

Hallie

I’m thinking the Heart is because she and Quique have been bonding. They have the sockball team. And then, Sparky was gonna help you right after we met at Die Hop, and then we had the other episode, so I’m not sure how much Sparky knows about Xochi because I don't think Quique would have told her.

Ari
No. He definitely wouldn’t have said very specifics.

Hallie

For clarity then, I’m just gonna go with she has no idea. That was more of a call to future action than an ‘at that moment’ thing, so she’s been kind of on retainer the way that you hire a lawyer and then you don’t have them do things until later, except that Quique didn’t pay her money because they’re friends.

Kyle

Yeah, she’s not making money.

Hallie

She’s not making money, no. But like, she has found great joy in sockball, great joy she never thought she could experience.

Ari

I am glad. Quique has shown Sparky all of the key moments from sockball tournaments throughout the years and some of the most heart-wrenching ones, etcetera, etcetera.

Kyle

Poor in money, rich in sport.

Hallie

Yes.

Ari

Yes, rich in sport.

Hallie

And Heart, because it’s +3. You know what, Sparky’s just real good at what she does, so Books and Slick, up. Fierce? There’s just too much love in her heart. She can’t do it, she can’t be Fierce.

Kyle

[Laughs, exasperated.] Okay.

Hallie

[Laughs.] That’s what I got. You asked me what I had, and that’s… that’s what’s in my brain.

Kyle

Anything else since last time that anyone wants to mention or do we want to get started?

Emily

Irene has been training, and being mad, and also trying to spy on Ariel but not doing a very good job. Ariel definitely knows that she’s been creeping.

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Is this the time where I reveal if Hilda actually did the things she said she would do last time?

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

Oh, right, I completely forgot. Thank you, Tom. Hilda was supposed to write a report for Keyhole and get the jousting kids’ article in the newspaper.

Tom

My thoughts for that are: I want Hilda to do a malicious compliance with Keyhole’s report.

Hallie

Beautiful.

Tom

Fulfill it in every technical sense, any explicit requirement he set like page limit and such, but not actually say anything meaningful.

Kyle

Okay. He’d say something like:

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Ah, yes, Miss Hilda Miszkiewicz, this was a very insightful report. Thank you.

Tom

Love that for me.

Kyle

So he owes you a favor now.

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

That you can call upon at any time.

Tom

Accumulating debt. And then, I think Hilda will go back and forth for a long time on the basis of the Boss would not honor a frivolous promise like this, probably, and the Jousting Club does seem like a bunch of squares, but eventually she will feel too guilty about not doing it and will somehow finagle that article into the school newspaper.

Kyle

Okay. I want you to roll me Convince Somebody with a stat of your choice.

Tom

Oh dear. Well, you know, it’s the school newspaper, it’s gotta e Heart. Hilda can only speak from the heart on this one.

[00:15:00]

Kyle

That’s all the kids care about.

Hallie

The Heart.

Kyle

The Heart.

Tom

[Green Goblin Voice.] “The heart, Norman! First we attack his heart.”

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Tom

[Rolls.] Anyway, I got a 13.

Kyle

Oh my god!

Hallie

Nice!

Kyle

Yes. Their very timely article on why Twilight is a terrible series and not representative of real vampires has gone up. You don’t get a favor from that, it’s just if you failed to do it you were gonna get a hard move against you.

Tom

Lovely.

[Rock college music begins.]

Kyle

Okay. Well, let’s get started!

Kyle (as Ariel)

College. For some people it’s a way to move somewhere new, for others a chance to reinvent themselves, and for many a nonstop party that even death can’t stop. But for everyone, college is one thing… possibility, the possibility that this time things can be different and your dreams can actually come  true. I’m Ariel Zamora Hueso, and today I’m going to seize my destiny, if I can get my tio off my back first.

[Music fades out and changes to pompous academy music.]

Kyle (as speaker)

And in these hallowed halls, for a nominally substantial fee, your student shall become one of the finest that the worlds from the Here to the—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Ari (as student 1)

Excuse me. At the other college I went to there was another guy like my age doing the tour and that was way more fun than this.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari (as student 1)

Can you walk backwards like those kids did? They walked backwards and said a lot of things.

[Silly ghosty music begins.]

Kyle

This old zombie in functional military clothes, which includes Kevlar and weapon straps…

Tom

Oh Jesus.

Kyle

…alongside a conventional if less attended to suit, stares at the student.

Kyle (as zombie)

First off, our students have been involved in that infernal spoon game. Apparently they are not educated or mature enough for real swords yet.

Kyle

He says, pointing at all the spoons I’m gonna say each of you are holding.

Kyle (as zombie)

Secondly, I walk forward so you may understand where one is in the hierarchy of things. Besides, my dear children, Geta and Caracalla…

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And you see a snake with wings that splits into two heads that are biting each other.

Kyle (as zombie)

…are here to watch my back. Any other nonsensical—

Tom (as student 2)

Yes. I do have a question, yes. I’d like to know about your intermural sports, please. I was under the impression that there may be a juggling team here.

Kyle (as zombie)

Any student may be able to start whatever menial and meaningless club they do so wish to entertain.

Tom (as student 2)

Menial and meaningless? I will have you know that I am the Clown Prince of Downtown. I’m kind of a big deal at my high school.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as parent)

So, you let all students do whatever they want rather than focusing on their academic achievements? Do you want them to get jobs after, or do you just—

Tom (as “clown prince”)

Shut up, Josh! No one cares. I’ll throw down here and now. You cannot stop me.

Emily (as Josh)

All I’m saying is that M-Die-T did not have all these frivolous clubs. They have one club and it’s Science.

Ari (as student 1)

Excuse me, mister geezer guy. Is the spoon thing part of the curriculum? Are we gonna be graded on it?

Emily (as Josh)

I’m sorry, spoon thing?

Ari (as student 1)

Uh, you know, mister geezer here, over there, the guy in the tour said that, you know, everybody has a spoon thing in this college.

Emily (as Josh)

Does this have to do with employment opportunities after college?

Ari (as student 1)

Is that what it is about?

Emily (as Josh)

I don’t know.

Hallie (as student 3)

Do we eat with the spoons?

Emily (as Josh)

Is my child going to get a job related to spoons, mister “geezer?”

Hallie (as student 3)

I’d like a job related to spoons.

Kyle (as zombie)

Wait.

Kyle

He turns to you.

Kyle (as zombie)

If I am to understand correctly, you are a parent and not a student?

Emily (as Josh)

I’m here with my baby boy.

Ari (as student 1)

Is your baby boy the one that’s  not the clown but the entire circus?

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle

“Shing,” slice!

[00:20:00]

As the tour guide, Dean Septimius Severus, re-sheaths his sword, the parent who was very pretentious just falls to the ground.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

And a ghost just emerges from where they were. As he sheathes it, he says:

Kyle (as Severus)

I was forbidden from engaging in such harsh punishments with students. That is why I had to ask.

Tom

[Startled.] Oh…

[Pompous academy music begins.]

Kyle (as Severus)

Continuing the tour!

Emily

[Astonished, disturbed and amused exhale.]

Kyle

And he continues walking on.

Emily

The ghost continues to follow the tour, just fuming.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

I love it here.

Kyle

Quique, how do you feel after seeing that?

Ari

That is just a regular normal college experience for Quique. You know? He has seen his fair share of things. He has left several kids in college before.

Kyle

Yunuen you can see on one side is really excited, and whenever you stop she takes out her Pik Pik and then takes her cane and tries to move it like she’s slashing a sword at it.

Ari

Oh my god.

Emily

The Pik Pik is beside itself.

Ari (as Quique)

That is not part of the actual curriculum, kid. That is just how this school is. For instance, M-Die-T has other types of enforcement.

Emily (as Pik Pik)

[Hums nervously.]

Ari (as Quique)

You will not be learning to do this kind of behavior, plus you are too young for this.

Kyle

Yunuen is… at first she’s downcast, “oh, this isn’t the regular…” then she’s excited, “oh, it is here,” then downcast again when you said but you’re too young. She pouts and puts the Pik Pik back and then tugs on Ariel with her other hand, who is looking around just like:

Kyle (as Ariel)

What…? Uh… Ask Tio Quique.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Ariel kind of shrugs off Yunuen, and they’re looking around school. Where the other kids are looking with this excitement and energy and jubilation, it seems as if Ariel is scanning for something.

Ari

Without it being too obvious, I want Quique to occasionally glance at where Ariel is looking but not super obvious. You know, looking at the tour guide, and talking about the different learning opportunities, and…

Kyle

Okay. I want you to roll me a Slick. The reason I’m doing that is because you’re rolling Stealth and Detect Stealth simultaneously.

Ari

[Rolls.] That is a 9.

Kyle

A mixed success. I’m trying to figure out how to do this, because I had you roll Stealth and Detect Stealth. I’m gonna say that you are either more obvious than you think or you don’t catch Ariel sneaking as… like, immediately. You’ll be able to follow along, but you won’t be able to be like “oh hey” and pull them back onto the tour immediately or anything like that. Which of those do you want to go with?

Ari

I think the second, I think that one, because being more obvious then makes it also hard, so both of those things have the same result.

Kyle

Okay. In that case, as Dean Severus goes over the—

Kyle (as Severus)

—beautiful volcanic rock and crypt-like halls of our fine institution. Oh, we had a brand new Monet instituted just this week.

[Sneaky music begins.]

Kyle

You notice that Yunuen is trying to pull away from you.

Ari

What? What? Why is she trying–? What is she looking at?

Kyle

If you follow her gaze, you can see the statues, there’s a line of them. We’re gonna say they’re all of Roman emperors.

Ari

Is she interested in the lion pelt of Commodus?

Kyle

Yeah, sure. You can see that, on this volcanic stone statue, you notice they all have the same very strict arms crossed pose, but the lion guy, he looks like he’s flexing. Commodus looks like he’s flexing because one of the arms has been lifted up. Ariel is ducking behind this little passageway that seems to have opened up behind the statue.

Ari

Ah. Well, if Yuna is actually just pulling Quique towards the statue, then Quique will head there.

Ari (as Quique)

Hey. Would you…

Ari

Hmm. I’m thinking if I want to do the Quiclone thing here, but I don't know what it’s gonna be and I don’t want to leave this child alone. The other option is spying with one of Quique’s arms.

Kyle

You do have the hand.

Ari

I do have the hand that can just follow Ariel.

[Music ends.]

No, I think he’s gonna risk it. I think he’s just gonna pray that he gets somebody that’s actually a responsible adult.

Kyle

Alright. Roll me 1d26.

Ari

One d26… Uh, 21.

Kyle

Twenty-one.

Hallie

Twenty-one?

Kyle

So, U, I need a name starting with U.

Ari

With U. Eh, I guess Uriel.

Kyle

Uriel?

Ari

Yeah, like Uriel but Uriel. {pronounced English then Spanish}

I guess it’s gonna be confusing with Ariel, so I can pick a different one.

Kyle

No, we’ll go with Uriel.

Ari

Urbano! Urbano.

Tom

[Laughs.] Urbano?

Ari

Urbano.

[00:25:00]

Tom

He’s just a former pope. He’s just a Quique in a… What’s it called? The hat.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Okay. Who wants to be Urbano?

Ari

Emily, do you want to be Urbano?

Emily

Have I been volunteered as Pope Quique?

Ari

Yes.

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

So, a Quique dressed like the pope for some reason appears.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh yeah, it was that part of my life. I thought I had buried that, but I guess your past always comes back to haunt you.

Kyle

Quique starts a religion, the episode.

Emily

He rests his bony hand gently on Yunuen’s forehead.

Emily (as Urbano)

I bless you, child.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh god.

Kyle

She doesn’t like that. She’s looking at you, Quique, like who’s this nark.

Hallie

Who’s this nark?!

Ari (as Quique)

Just, you know, refrain from trying to evangelize the child, sir. I just want you to take care of her while I do some things. Don’t do something that I would not do, at this present moment. If you do, I’m going to learn about it.

Ari

I’m going to leave the hand. I’m gonna do the sign of the cross and then at the end of it just leave the hand.

Emily

He scoops up the hand in one of his and puts the other hand over the top of that.

Ari (as Quique)

Man, it’s always… you don’t know what you’re gonna get. Listen, kid. If you see Sparky… well, hmm. If you see somebody that is a responsible adult that you know—

[Laughter.]

Hallie

They’re the same thing, Quique!

Emily

Quietly, he points to himself.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Besides him. You can go, if the hand approves of that. But for now, I leave her to you.

Ari

And he points at Urbano.

Ari (as Quique)

Otherwise there will be eternal damnation on your soul.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Urbano)

I await your return, Quique, and… so does he.

[Laughter.]

Ari

We are all awaiting—

Emily

Is that too much? Is that inappropriate?

Ari

We’re all awaiting on his return.

Kyle

Emily was looking up at the sky.

Tom

Oh dear.

Kyle

Yunuen looks at you, and she makes a little ‘mmm,’ she makes a little angry sound and she stomps her feet.

Ari (as Quique)

I know, kid. I’ll be back soon, I promise. I just need, you know… your sibling just kind of ducked away, and I kinda need to see it but I also don’t want you to see it.

Kyle

She nods really fiercely and tugs on your hand to go follow Ariel.

Ari (as Quique)

No, no, no. This may be too dangerous for you. So you, surprisingly enough, might be safer with this guy here.

Tom

[Chuckles.] Surprisingly enough.

Emily (as Urbano)

Stay at my side, child, as I have stayed at his.

Hallie

[Squeaks laughing.]

Tom

[Laughs.] No~

Emily

And he looks up again.

Ari (as Quique)

Just ignore all of the things he says.

Kyle

She kicks you.

Ari (as Quique)

Use your best judgment.

Ari

As Quique tries to slip into the statue hole.

Kyle

She kicks Urbano and then just flumps onto the ground poutily.

Ari

Oh, kid.

Emily

Urbano crosses himself and nods his head to her.

[Cheesy spy music begins.]

Kyle

In the distance, two people with sunglasses and newspapers put them down in front of their faces and look at where Quique was and get up to follow.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Who were those mysterious figures following Quique? We’ll know the answer after the announcement break.

This announcement break, I wanted to quickly thank three people. I wanted to thank Blueberry and Mai for serving as vocalists, and I wanted to thank Miles Morkri for helping me with writing. What am I referring to? You’ll find out near the end of the episode. But, if you like what you hear at the end of this episode, check out the description below where you can find all of their stuff.

I also wanted to let you know that the NPC Showdown is happening again this year! For those who don’t know, each year I do a competition on Twitter.com, X.com, whatever the hell it is, where we do a March Madness style bracket with NPCs. However, we don’t have that many new NPCs since last time, so this year we’re doing Necromon. If you can hear this episode, check out Twitter.com right now. Hopefully we’ll be starting with that bracket either today or tomorrow.

While for future years we’ll be doing the NPC Showdown maybe on other platforms because, you know, Twitter is Twitter, for this year we’re still gonna be holding it at Twitter.com/Quest_Friends. Just @Quest_Friends on Twitter. I don't know why I tried to spell out the website for you. It’s also in the description.

[00:30:00]

Alright, that’s all I got. I’ll see you for Part 2 of whatever the hell I end up naming this in two weeks on Monday, march 18. If you’d like additional short stories, behind the scenes insights, or podcasts such as the Rest Friends for Irene’s Rival which I just released, you can check them out at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Diner music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

So, we’re gonna flash back for a second to Die Hop. Die Hop was that all-American diner that only serves crepes with Franch.

Ari

[Laughs.] I forgot about Franch.

Kyle

And is a library.

Hallie

Everything is crepes.

Kyle

Quique, you smell the Franch which overwhelms the crepes. You can faintly hear the words “oh-ho-ho” and “crepes” reverberating from the headless neck of Philippe Égalité the sous chef as you walk over to the corner booth where you were gonna meet with Sparky. As you turn over, you see Sparky sitting with Hilda.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Ah. Hey Sparky, hey kid.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh hey, Quique.

Tom (as Hilda)

Hello.

Ari (as Quique)

How’s the food?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh, still crepes.

Ari (as Quique)

Still crepes, yeah. That’s sure surprising in a place that has a lot of crepes and that’s like its signature item.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, it’s just that… it just—

Tom (as Hilda)

It’s pretty good.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Unconvincing.] Yeah. They’re… great.

Ari (as Quique)

Yay. Hey kid, actually, it turns out that crepes is one of the things us skeletons can eat, and I forgot to order some. Would you be fine going and fetching a crepe for me? I can give you some money.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Hmm…

Ari (as Quique)

I can give you extra money.

Tom

Hilda is narrowing her eyes, strokes her chin. One could even say she dawns her skepticals.

Tom (as Hilda)

Sure… I’ll go order some crepes.

Tom

And then she just slides back out of frame, not actually turning around or changing her expression.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Quique will be like…

Ari (as Quique)

Great!

Ari

…and then lean to where Hilda was present, like covering the frame where Hilda has left.

[Silly music.]

Ari (as Quique)

What’s the kid doing here, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, you know, she’s too smart for that thing you just pulled, because “I” taught her, so now she knows something’s up.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you can outsmart her somehow and tell her that it’s something different. I don't know, when’s her birthday? Maybe we can plan a birthday party for her.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I don't know when her birthday is! I have to ask when her birthday is.

Ari (as Quique)

Great. Great. Maybe it is in a week. Maybe we lucked out and we can say that it’s—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Maybe it’s soon! You’re right.

Ari (as Quique)

We can say we’re planning a surprise birthday party, which we will.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like we’re surprising her with the surprise planning of her surprise birthday party.

Tom

Hilda, quietly to herself from across the room:

Tom (as Hilda)

My birthday was two and a half months ago.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Fuck that!

Kyle

Hilda’s birthday, in summer, noted.

Hallie (as Sparky)

She showed up and was like what are we doing today, Boss, and I was like, what, and she was like, yeah, teach me stuff, and I admire you so much—well, not in words, but you know, you can tell.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Sure.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And like, I can’t just leave the kid. Who is she gonna hang out with, her parents?

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, that would be nice. It’s nice when kids hang with parents or uncles sometimes. But no, listen, when I told you that you can sneak, it was just a you thing. I don’t want the kids involved here. I already have too many kids involved in the situation and I just don’t want to have more kids involved in this particular situation.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique, I respect your needs and whatever you want out of this thing that we’re doing today, but Hilda is my apprentice. You know? Two investigative reporters are better than one. If you really don’t want her to know the whole story…

Ari (as Quique)

It’s not that I don’t want her to know the whole story. It’s that I… Let’s just put it that I have seen one too many kids get lost to this particular situation, and I just don’t want—

Hallie (as Sparky)

To a college tour on Skulliard?

Ari (as Quique)

No. Well, yes, that too. That has happened a couple times, but that’s a good kind of lost because it’s an education that’s well earned. So, I suppose you can call it a good loss. But no, no, it’s not that. Listen, the other thing.

[Tense mystery music begins.]

[00:35:00]

Something is wrong with Ariel, with my kid. You know the one that brought the little sibling, Yuna?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah-yeah. Yunuen’s sibling, yeah.

Ari (as Quique)

There’s something going on, and I really can’t give a lot of details, but there’s something going on with them. If you choose to sleuth on me while I’m sleuthing on them, you may encounter the particular situation, and I just want you to be careful of not getting the other kids involved in that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay.

Ari (as Quique)

So, just letting you know that. If you do happen to encounter that particular situation, I want to let you know to be very aware of what your current… This might sound weird. Just be very aware of what your actual emotional state is at that moment, which I know might be a little bit hard for you, Sparky, because I don't know if—

[Laughter. Music ends abruptly.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique, listen. I love encountering situations. I live for it.

Ari (as Quique)

Yes. Correct. But no, this is like an actual—

Hallie (as Sparky)

I am a mature grown woman who is in touch with her own feelings. That’s gonna be fine.

Ari (as Quique)

No, yeah, I didn’t super mean it. I didn’t mean it in a metaphorical way.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s gonna be fine.

Ari (as Quique)

I meant it in a literal way.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m an investigator. I encounter situations all the time. There are like so many situations that I, that I… It’s what I live for!

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

I meant it in a literal way. I’m not trying to be insulting or anything.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. That’s interesting. Yeah.

Ari (as Quique)

You know, there may be… if you are excited and suddenly feel way more excited than usual, or you know… just be aware of that. Let’s just say that whatever Ariel is involved with may or may not be able to maybe tamper with emotions. So, be aware of that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Great. This must be a really good college.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

It is not related to the college! It’s related to somebody at the college, Sparky. Oh my god, I thought you were an investigative reporter!

Hallie (as Sparky)

And I’m getting so much more information out of you by playing dumb.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

[Grumbles.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Listen, Quique. Hilda, for how mature and wonderful and smart she is, is still a child. If you want someone to be connecting to Ariel or following in a place where maybe it would be weird if an adult was, children can come in really handy for that sort of thing.

Kyle

They got tiny hands for stealing.

Hallie

Tiny hands for stealing!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Plus, she’s really smart, she may want to come here for college one day.

Ari (as Quique)

She can go on the tour, but I just…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Just like a fun outing.

Ari (as Quique)

Just this particular encounter is a little… it’s a little easy to get swayed by it, especially for kids. So, you know, I’m putting her in your hands.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright.

Ari (as Quique)

I just don’t want to lose another kid.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. Another kid?

Ari (as Quique)

I didn’t say that. I mean any kids, any kids. You know, to college!

Hallie (as Sparky)

I left my recorder at home, but if I hadn’t, that would be on it. … I’m kidding, I don’t use it anymore! Ha-ha-ha!

Kyle

Pulls out a second recorder. “Note to self, keep the recorders hidden from Quique.”

Hallie

“Note to self, pretend I don’t have this. You lied.”

Ari (as Quique)

Anyways, that is it. I just wanted to let you know to be particularly aware of your emotions on that particular case.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright.

Ari (as Quique)

Maybe focus on something that makes you extremely mad when you think that there’s something that is changing and it’s different and weird. Maybe, I don't know… rutabagas? I think they made you mad.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Fuck rutabagas. God!

Ari (as Quique)

So just focus on that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Y, all my socks have gone missing and I am really mad about that.

Ari (as Quique)

You don’t have to tell me the specifics, Sparky. Just, you know, whatever it is…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Well, if for some reason you need to remind me, just remind me about my socks.

Ari (as Quique)

I will remind you about your socks, perhaps. That is all. I wanted just to warn you, to give you a warning. If you go and face it without warning it’s a little bit too much.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Okay. This is all…

Ari (as Quique)

Even for an experienced connoisseur as myself.

Hallie (as Sparky)

An experienced connoisseur of feelings?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Maybe. Yes. No.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. Alright. This is all…

Ari (as Quique)

Anyways. That is all I have to say. Just keep the kid… you know. You can brief her, maybe, I don't know. I don’t want to… you know, under your own risk.

Tom

I feel like, at that moment, we would just see the camera turn slightly and Hilda is six feet down the bar, staring intently through Philippe Égalité’s opera glasses at what’s going on.

Kyle

I love it. So Hilda, you’ve been watching them, listening, taking in the ambience of the “oh-ho-ho” and the crepes sizzling on one of the grills. The other one doesn’t work. Is it fair to assume that you’ve caught most of that conversation?

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

Okay. As they seem to be wrapping up, you notice that the sounds of the grill and the happy French laughter…

[A bell chimes.]

[00:40:00]

Hallie

[Amused.] Happy French laughter.

Kyle

…aren’t there anymore, and you just hear instead:

Kyle (as Overseer)

[Teeth clacking in Morse Code.]

[Various sounds of discomfort.]

Ari

Why?

Emily

No~

Hallie

I hate this for you.

[Sinister music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh… Mr. Égalité?

Kyle (as Égalité)

I told you I am not manager. Business owner has no interest in selling the property.

Kyle

Philippe Égalité, despite his boisterous voice, because that’s the only way I can do it, his posture is stiff, his little spatula is gripped tightly in one hand, and he is staring with deathly seriousness at two Overseers from the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement.

Tom

No…

Kyle

Who are talking to him in their way.

Tom

Hilda immediately hides behind the counter but peeks out to watch.

Kyle (as Overseer)

[Teeth clacking in Morse Code.]

Kyle (as Égalité)

I said I cannot sell you that. No price is high enough. I can sell you crepes. I can sell you hamburger. It is crepe. I can… oh-ho, I can sell you French toast. It is crepe. I can…

Hallie

[Snickers and giggles.]

Tom

I like that the last one in particular really broke Hallie.

Hallie

[Chuckling.] It is crepe! Like you’re trying to convince yourself.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well now, that’s enough, Mr. Égalité.

Kyle

Hilda, you see the owner of Out of Thyme, and Hellish Impound, and it seems Die Hop, Big Jake Hell, put a hand gently on Philippe Égalité’s shoulder before looking the Overseers in the divots where their eyes should be.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Now, are you two fine folk gonna order something today or were you just gonna keep standing here?

Kyle (as Overseer)

[Teeth clacking in Morse Code.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

No, no, no.

Kyle

He cuts them off.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I have been very clear. I have no intention of selling this establishment. So, unless you have some sort of impound order or some other law I don’t know about…

Kyle

And he clicks his fingers, and out of a flame a binder as thick as a human skull slams on the table with a thud.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…you’re certainly welcome to see how it compares to the legal forms I have together here, but if you don’t…

Kyle

And his little horn nubbins start to flame a little bit.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…then I’m gonna have to ask you fine folk to leave.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

There is a long pause and then just:

Kyle (as Overseer)

[Teeth clacking in Morse Code.]

Kyle

The two Overseers then briskly turn to the side and walk out the door, which has the jovial little “ding-ding” that they usually have at barber shops. Big Jake Hell just says to himself:

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yeah, I know you will.

Tom

Hilda will take vigorous notes on these happenings in a little notepad.

Kyle

Okay. Okay.

Tom

And then hide under the counter.

Kyle

Roll me Stealth, Hilda.

Tom

Agh…

[Rolls.] A 4?

Kyle

Take an AP.

Tom

Yay~ I needed that.

Kyle

As Big Jake Hell picks up the flaming book from a plate it happened to fall on, he remarks:

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

It seems in my fury I’ve just accidentally ruined poor Miss Miszkiewicz’s plate. You can come out now, by the by.

Tom

She pokes the top of her head out under the counter.

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh, um… hello, Mr. Hell.

Hallie

[Amused.] Mr. Hell.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Hello there. Are you keeping yourself out of trouble?

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh… probably not, no. The Boss has got a mission at Skulliard today.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

The Boss you say?

Tom (as Hilda)

Mm-hmm.

Tom

And she points over at Sparky.

Kyle

Sparky, he looks at you, and we’ll say that you can now see him.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, that sure explains a lot. A regular devil and imp in the making, you two.

Kyle

For reference, demons are people who died falling into flames, and they have horns whose length represents the severity of their sins. Big Jake Hell’s horns are, all things considered, rather short. Imps are similar to demons, but they just stumbled into flames instead, often because they followed a demon.

Tom (as Hilda)

Why do the Overseers keep coming to bother you?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Oh, they’re just interested in purchasing this establishment. I have no interest in it. There are plenty of Die Hops that are… well, let’s just say they have clientele at times other than 2 AM or…

[00:45:00]

Kyle

He looks at Sparky and Quique.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…covert meetings.

[Gentle guitar music begins.]

So uh, if I was in this to make a profit, I would have sold it to them a long time ago, but as I’m not, they’ll have to move heaven and earth in order to get me to sell it over.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well, I’m glad. I really like it here.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I’m glad you do, Miss Miszkiewicz. I like it here too.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Music changes to innocent upbeat song.]

Kyle

Okay! I’m gonna say everyone has been part of the spoons game, just because that’s fun to me.

Hallie

Oh yeah.

Tom

Who are our targets?

Kyle

I need everyone to… We’re gonna do a 1d15.

Tom

Oh no.

Kyle

I need you to do it twice. One will determine your target, one will determine who is targeting you.

Ari

Can surprisingly Urbano also be part of it?

Kyle

Yeah, do 16. Urbano—

Hallie

[Laughs.] Okay, 2d16?

Emily

Am I rolling too?

Kyle

Yes.

Tom

Hmm.

Ari

I got 13, and I got 15.

Hallie

I got a 3 and a 4.

Tom

I got 14 and then 5.

Emily

I rolled 15 and 14 which are both numbers other people got.

Kyle

Uh… reroll me the first one. Oh wait, no, reroll both. Sorry.

Emily

Sixteen.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

[Laughs.] Sixteen.

Hallie

[Laughs.] You got two critical successes, though!

Kyle

[Smiling.] Oh, these are good ones.

Hallie

I don’t like that. I don’t like the laugh you just did.

Kyle

Okay, this is gonna be hard to remember. You have your little spoons. It’s a plastic spoon but it reverberates with ghostly energy.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

And you can see the name of your target in it. We’ll say it’s like alphabet soup. It’s normally a jumble of letters, but if you shake it, then it will take the shape of the names. Quique, your spoon says the name… it just says Jake.

Ari

Oh boy.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You don't know who Jake is.

Ari

I do not know who Jake is.

Kyle

Sparky, yours says Yunuen, Yunuen Zamora Hueso. Irene… we don’t know what Irene is doing, but yours says Urbano.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

And you’re like “who the fuck is this?”

Ari

Glad that Emily is targeting Emily.

Emily

That’s called self-sabotage. I’ve been working on it with my therapist.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Finally, Hilda, as you’re following Quique, you notice a very weird name in your soup, one name that just doesn’t feel appropriate.

[Music ends. Scary musical sting plays.]

You see the name Irene Hawthorne.

Tom (as Hilda)

Huh? Huh?! What?!

Kyle

Do you say that as you’re following Quique?

Tom

Yeah.

Hallie

My hand goes to her mouth immediately.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Muffled sound.]

Hallie

[Copies the muffled sound.] And I drag her behind a statue.

Kyle

Yes, because after following Quique, you’ve now made it into the secret catacombs behind the statues of the Roman emperors.

[Sinister ambience begins.]

Unlike the publically attended to hallways, these catacombs aren’t sterile and shiny. They’ve actually got cobwebs and rust and, yes, even more statues of Roman emperors. If the standard Skulliard hallways are catacombs plus college, these are just flat-out catacombs, and in these catacombs you cover Hilda’s mouth before her voice echoes off of the empty stone walls. Do you do anything else?

Hallie

No, we’re just gonna hide and collect ourselves for a brief second and then continue following.

Kyle

Okay. Quique, you are following—Here’s a question I’ve had, Quique, and it’s something I want to know. What’s your game plan when something happens? I’ve been very curious about this, and I feel like now is the time to ask. I feel like now is the time Quique ponders. What exactly is your game plan here?

Ari

You know, he doesn’t really have one other than trying to get Ariel back to the tour. He tried it one time and it didn’t really work, because he passed out, so he wants to make a do-over here. He doesn’t really have a plan, really, he just doesn’t want his kid to be in contact with…

Kyle

Okay. I want everyone to roll me Keep Your Cool.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Okay. While we do that, I forgot. On my way, I wanna stab Yunuen with my spoon so that I win.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh, that’s so rude!

Kyle

Roll me Sneak.

Hallie

Okay. This is my Slick roll for that, um… [Rolls.]

Emily

Can I do an opposing roll?

Kyle

For the baby? No. The baby’s just gonna—

Ari

No, but because Urbano is with her.

Emily

No, for the Quiclone.

Kyle

Okay, yeah, do me an opposing roll, but you’re gonna take -2 because Urbano is not slick.

Emily

No, I’m not thinking—

Hallie

Not even God can save you now!

Emily

I just want it known that he’s gonna try.

[Rolls. Chuckles.] Two and 4.

Hallie

Ten!

[Upbeat silly music begins.]

Kyle

So, Yunuen is plopped down on the ground, pouty. You know how kids will just flop down with their face on the ground?

Several

Yeah.

Hallie

She’s vulnerable.

[00:50:00]

Kyle

Yeah, just “boop.” You just boop her. She doesn’t even respond.

Hallie

That’s all it is! It’s just a little boop with my spoon.

Kyle

Yeah, roll me another 1d16.

Emily

A full two seconds too late, Urbano throws himself…

Kyle

[Slow.] “Mr. President~!”

[Laughter.]

Hallie

On top!

Emily

…in a vague direction that he thought perhaps was the right one.

Hallie

Just any direction.

Emily

And clatters to the ground.

Hallie

I got 11 this time.

Kyle

Okay. Your target changes to Stella Hawthorne.

Hallie

Stella Hawthorne? Okay. Stella.

[Shouting.] Stella!

Kyle

I don’t think Elliot would have talked about his sibling, so I don't know if you know Stella or not.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Right. I mean, Hawthorne, I recognize that name, but there’s gonna be the math meme going on. Alright, this is my Keep My Cool.

[Everyone rolls.]

Oh no!

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Alright, what did everyone roll for Keep Your Cool?

Tom

I got a 4.

Ari

I got an 8.

Emily

I got 7.

Hallie

I got 6.

Kyle

Okay, take an AP.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

Tom and Hallie, you’re gonna take disadvantage forward.

Hallie

[Sad.] Okay.

Tom

[Sad.] Oh…

Kyle

And Quique, you’re gonna take -1 forward.

Ari

Okay.

Emily

What do I get?

Kyle

What did you roll?

Emily

Seven.

Kyle

Yeah, we’ll say Irene gets that as well. Yeah, you’re also -1 forward.

Emily

What were you gonna do?

Kyle

You hear this deep echoing…

Kyle (as ???)

OH YEAH!!!

Kyle

…and your eardrums just start bursting as this voice echoes throughout the entire catacomb space.

Hallie

Instinctively, I cover Hilda’s ears instead of my own.

Tom

Hilda appreciates that because it’s what she was going to do as well, and she’s just like “ow…”

Emily

Irene will cover her ears, but she’s still sneaking, so she’s not gonna do anything else.

Ari

Quique is startled, but he also is still sneaking, so it will be kind of a similar situation as Irene.

Kyle

Okay. You notice that the sound came from where Ariel is.

Ari

Okay, then I’ll go a little bit faster in case, uh… he didn’t super process that it was not in fact Ariel who shouted that.

Kyle

You walk out, and as you walk out you see… well, it’s horrifying.

[Monster rising music begins.]

You see an entire crowd of people on the ground, hands over their ears, moaning and squirming. You notice that you’re in another part of the courtyard, another school backlot. You can see all these spoons are on the ground, and there are two people standing. One of them is Ariel who just looks kind of annoyed.

[Music changes to ska.]

And next to Ariel you see this person, this student about Ariel’s age, probably a prospective one, they have a little badge. He, it’s he/they, is a banshee with a melting teardrop face, glitter in the grooves under their eyes, because banshees have melting faces and grooves where tears would be, sunglasses, a fedora, because of course, a checkered shirt with suspenders that are underneath a periwinkle jacket with ripped sleeves crudely fashioned to look like a vest. This person also, you can see, has a massive chain wallet. They’re looking at Ariel like:

Kyle (as banshee)

I got you! I spooned you!

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Tentative.] That doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Kyle (as banshee)

No, it means what it means. I spooned you! I got you with my spoon! … You are Ariel Zamora Hueso, right?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And Ariel just nods their head.

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Reluctant.] Yes I am.

Kyle (as banshee)

Alright, well in that case, I spooned you. I got you. I got you with a spoon. Hey, I can help you out. Who do you want to spoon?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

No one.

Kyle

Ariel you can see has turned away and is starting to look around, and this figure is just bouncing back and forth.

Kyle (as banshee)

Hey, are you a prospective student too? I need a… Could I get you to join my band? Do you want to join my band? Do you do music?

Kyle

Ariel scoffs and turns their head.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Well yeah, I know real musicians now.

Kyle (as banshee)

Well yeah, you know real musicians because you know me. You don’t know me yet. My name’s James, but I like to go by Jam.

Ari

Oh my god, I hate it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam)

I am a bit of a musician. Right now I am in a duo act. It’s just me and…

Kyle

And this snake with a cute little catlike face and tiny little nubbin paws that’s wrapped around his shoulders… This is what a Nohtyp looks like now, by the way. You’re welcome, Ari.

Kyle (as Jam)

Yeah, me and Snake here, we’re kind of a two-person act, but well… you can have a duo, but you really need a trio for informed a cappella.

Hallie

[Amused, breathy.] Informed a cappella.

Kyle

Ariel, despite themself, kind of perks up at that.

[00:55:00]

[Innocent fun music begins.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

A cappella? Really, a cappella? That is a bold choice there, Jam.

Kyle (as Jam)

Nah, nah, a cappella on its own, that’s not super bold. You know what is bold? Ska!

Kyle (as Ariel)

Ska?

Kyle (as Jam)

So what’s even bolder? Ska plus a cappella. Ska cappella.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam)

I got the vibe. I got the band. I’m just looking for more people. So you know, if you know anybody, I just…

Kyle (as Ariel)

Jam.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

For the first time, Ariel turns around and just puts a hand on Jam’s shoulder.

Kyle (as Ariel)

You had me at ska cappella.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Jam)

Alright! Hey, what’s your name? Oh wait, no, your name is Ariel. I knew that, because I spooned you.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Please stop saying that.

Kyle

You can see that Ariel smiles despite themself as everyone else gets up and brushes off the excited yell of Jam the banshee, because banshees, if they yell, it can be very violent.

Yeah, so Quique, I’m gonna say you’re caught up and I’m gonna say everyone else has caught up as well.

Ari

This was an unexpected situation. It reminds him of how he met Mateo, because it was surprisingly similar. His plan now is just to keep so that Ariel stays there and doesn’t go anywhere. So, he’s gonna try and rally the crowd kind of like how in Aladdin how the Genie is like ‘oh look, Aladdin is prince, it’s so good’ in the parade, trying to get the people in the crowd excited so they demand a song.

Kyle

How are you gonna do that?

Ari

He’s not good at actually making his voice different, but he can try. Can I flashback say that he has a change of clothes so that he looks like a “hello, fellow kids” student?

Hallie

“Hello, fellow kids.”

Kyle

Uh… yeah, but to be convincing you’re gonna have to give me an AP, because you are a skeleton. You’re a geriatric skeleton trying to be “hello, fellow kids.”

Ari

It’s true. I will give you 1 AP.

Kyle

Okay. You’re gonna get the -1 forward, but I want you to roll to convince them with advantage. You’re gonna use Slick because you’re lying.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] Twelve, but it’s dirty 12.

Kyle

Okay! It’s a dirty 12. It works. I want you to describe how you get people amped up to do a song while perfectly disguised from your teenage sobrine and everybody else.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah! Those kids look like pros, am I right? Yeah, yeah, oh man.

[Sounds of a crowd cheering.]

Kyle (as various students)

Yeah, yeah, you are right!

You are right!

Yeah! Oh… Oh!

Ari (as Quique)

Encore! We want an encore for the song that is just… the first one.

Tom (as student 2)

Let us break it down!

Kyle (as various students)

What? I can’t hear anything. I’m just gonna keep shouting until something happens and someone checks my eardrums.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Didn’t we come here for the greatest event? These seem to be the concert people. We need something entertaining, more than one song even. They seem like they know what they’re doing.

Kyle (as Ariel)

More than…

[Stammering.] More than one song?

Ari (as Quique)

One song to start, and then we can go from there.

Kyle (as various students)

One song to start! And then many after! One song to start! And then many after!

Kyle

You see that Jam has their hands tucked up, and they just wipe away tears from their eyes.

Kyle (as Jam)

I’ve only had a three-person band for ten seconds and we’ve already got a show.

Kyle

And then he’s just gonna whisper to himself.

Kyle (as Jam)

One song first, and then many after. One song first…

Ari

That can be the name of the band.

Kyle

One Song First and Then Many After.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

I’m so happy for this child.

Kyle

Ariel shouts out:

Kyle (as Ariel)

One! Two! One, two, three, four!

[Jam and Ariel start scatting ska.]

Kyle (as Jam)

Ha-ha!

You find yourself all alone on a dark and scary night

Then something gives your soul quite a fright

You can hear a single song, nothing at all

When the music is on the run, you know who to call!

[01:00:00]

It’s the Ska Patrol!

Hunting down those wayward tunes

The Ska Patrol!

Bringing good vibes straight to you

Ska Patrol!

Dooby, dooby, dooby doo.

The Ska Patrol!

Rhyming’s hard, but friends are cool.

Yeah!

Ari

Quique, despite this not being his music…

[Ska capella changes to instrumental ska.]

Well, no, it is secretly his music, but he will never admit it. He’s actually proud this time of a kid in a concert for actual solid real reasons and not fabricated reasons, so he is actually truly skeleton crying a little bit.

Kyle

Aww.

Ari

Not a lot, it’s just like when Phil in Hercules has a little tear when he sees the constellation.

Hallie

That’s Phil’s boy.

Ari

It’s Phil’s boy. That’s Quique’s kid.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

What are Hilda and Sparky doing?

Hallie

Sparky is just confused about what Quique was so afraid about, because this is rad. This is just a rad thing.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique’s such a stick in the mud. What is he worried about? This is fun.

Tom

Hilda is jumping to conclusions.

Ari

Her knees must be sore.

Tom

[Chuckles.] Hilda is trying to figure out the best way to interrupt the show to protect Ariel from whoever this is.

Ari

No, no! No, no, no! Oh no. Is there any way that he can see Hilda?

Kyle

Well, Hilda’s gotta get past you. There’s only one entrance.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Oh, that’s true.

Tom

Hilda is not being sneaky. She is just making her way towards.

Ari

Okay. I want Quique to try and stop Hilda.

Ari (as Quique)

What are you doing, kid? Kid? First of all, what are you doing here in general, and then what are you doing specifically?

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m helping out, and you’re being very weird.

Ari (as Quique)

No, no, no. No, you’re not.

Tom (as Hilda)

You never actually told us what we were supposed to be doing here, so…

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Stammers, trying to get Hilda to stop talking.] That’s…

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you know… I didn’t tell you, plural, because I didn’t want you here, Sparky. I thought it would be too dangerous for a kid.

Tom (as Hilda)

We fell out of space.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Point granted.

Hallie (as Sparky)

This is a party, Quique. Look at all this.

Tom (as Hilda)

The only thing I’m in danger of is getting an unrealistic expectation of college.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

She’s got a point.

Ari (as Quique)

That is something that I cannot fix, kid. That is just something you will get in any college. But no, listen. This is not what I was afraid of. This is completely unexpected, and this is great. If this continues like this, I really don’t need you, it’s fine.

Tom (as Hilda)

Then what are we protecting Ariel from?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… not this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, look, they’re doing great. Look at them.

Ari (as Quique)

They’re doing great. They’re doing fantastic. They are… yeah, they’re rocking it.

Tom (as Hilda)

But I had pocket sand.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You have pocket sand?

Tom (as Hilda)

Pocket sand, yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What did you bring pocket sand for?

Tom (as Hilda)

Eh…

Tom

Hilda just tosses some pocket sand.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

In the crowd. They’ll think it’s like special effects.

Kyle

Actually, take a GM Intrusion.

Tom

Me?

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Yes, good. I wanna give the other point to Irene who is not here, maybe.

Emily (as Irene)

Hoping I’ll surrender to you, Hilda? Let you stab me with your spoon? Think again.

Kyle

Irene, just quietly whispering that to herself as she holds her spoon and watches from behind the corner.

The sand glitters and glows and it bursts into energy from the air, and it seems to be, like, oh man, it just turned into magic, but you notice, no, those are stage lights. When you listen to the song, you realize it sounds better, it sounds good. Their voices are different and impressive and powerful, and it sounds as if there’s music underneath them, and Ariel’s voice doesn’t sound like Ariel at all anymore.

Ari

Oh no.

Jam and Ariel

(It’s the) Ska Patrol!

Hunting down those wayward tunes

The Ska Patrol!

Bringing good vibes straight to you

Ska Patrol!

Doo bee doo bee doo bee doo

It’s the Ska Patrol!

We stick together like glue

Jam

I never thought that I would find

I wished and hoped and pined

But never thought that I would find

A soul like mine

And now that I’m here with you

My one man band’s become two

So watch out for the

Ska Patrol!

Hunting down those wayward tunes

The Ska Patrol!

Jam and Ariel

Bringing good vibes straight to you

Ska Patrol!

Hunting down those wayward tunes

We’re the Ska Patrol!

Nothing can stop us not even spoons

Jam

Ha ha ha - yeah!

[01:05:00]

Kyle

As the song ends and everyone just starts clapping, Jam, really excited, looks to Ariel, lifts up Ariel’s hand, and opens their mouth to go:

Kyle (as Xochi)

Thank you, everybody~!

Ari

Oh no.

[Silly villainous music begins.]

Kyle

Jam is cut off as, behind him, there is a giant limousine with massive spotlights on it shooting down into the crowd. In the doorway, Sparky and Hilda, you see a beautiful pop idol siren. Jam narrows their eyes in confusion as the crowd sees Xochi and goes wild.

Ari (as Quique)

No. No. This is… Abort!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Wow, this must be a really good school.

Ari (as Quique)

No. No, no, no. Abort. This is what I was talking about. This is—

Hallie (as Sparky)

What do you mean? What do you mean? The girl? This person?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah.

Tom (as Hilda)

She seems nice.

Ari (as Quique)

No. That is the first mistake to make. Are you feeling fine, kid?

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh… I feel a little empty inside, but otherwise yeah.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s because you got rid of your sand.

Tom (as Hilda)

No, I have more.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh thank god. I mean, we need to work on that, but not right now.

Ari

He’s just gonna motion at Sparky, point at Ariel, point at her, and kind of… “eh,” like (grunt), like no, split, kind of doing hand gestures even though there’s no plan.

Emily

I have a question.

Kyle

What?

Emily

Is everyone looking at Ariel or are they now distracted by this pop idol?

Kyle

They’re distracted by Xochi, although Xochi is walking up to Ariel.

Emily

Is it clear she’s walking up to Ariel specifically or just looks like she’s walking up in front of the crowd?

Kyle

You know, I don’t think Irene would tell the difference.

Emily

I would like to attempt to reach out from the shadows near the stage and pull Ariel into them.

Hallie

Like the hand of the Once-ler coming out of nowhere and just yoinking somebody, eking out between the wooden creeks of the stairs and just making a child disappear.

Kyle

Roll me either Take Action or Sneak.

Emily

Yeah, I wanna roll Take Action.

Kyle

Okay, and then you have -1 forward because of…

Emily

Minus 1… I would like to spend an AP.

Kyle

For advantage?

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

How are you putting extra advantage into moving as quickly as possible?

Emily

Irene has been standing here the whole time, so she’s been almost reaching out of the shadows a couple times to grab them but then the opportunity hasn’t presented itself. So, she’s very much on edge, prepared to spring.

Kyle

Okay. How are you trying to do this? This kid is like twice as tall as you. They’re skinny, but they’re tall.

Emily

They may be twice as tall as me, but, if I put all my weight into it and grab two fistfuls of the back of their shirt and jacket and yank, I bet I can get them to stumble backwards.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

She does have the element of surprise.

Kyle

She does have the element of surprise.

Emily

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, there we go, there’s the advantage, element of surprise. Because Ariel… Ariel looks very excited and very energized and very amped up.

Emily

Yeah, I’m gonna ruin this moment for them.

[Rolls.] That would be an 11.

Tom

Ooh!

Kyle

[Exhales.] Okay. Irene, I’m gonna ask you the same thing I asked Quique. What’s your game plan here? I think I understand it, but I also feel like I don’t understand it at the same time.

Emily

I wanna threaten Ariel in an alley, essentially.

Hallie

She wants to kidnap the kid. She wants to disappear them for a while.

Emily

She just wants to know why they aren’t at the Necromon Club anymore and what’s wrong with them, because something has to be wrong with them if they’re not at the Necromon Club. She’s been stalking them all day. She knows they’re acting a little bit weird.

[01:10:00]

Kyle

So, Quique, you said you pointed to Ariel and Xochi, right?

Ari

Yeah, to Sparky. Not like super obvious.

Hallie

Right. Sparky’s looking at the connections and she’s kinda mouthing, like…

Emily

Math meme?

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Afraid of  this kid?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

You’re especially confused because it just looks like Quique is pointing to Xochi and then to Jam, because Ariel isn’t there.

Hallie (as Sparky)

See? Ariel’s fine. They’re not even there.

[Laughter. Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

I think we’re gonna end with that. Next session we’ll start with Irene confronting Ariel in a fucking alley.

Hallie

God, yes!

Kyle

As I guess it’s now you versus Xochi racing to find Ariel.

Tom

Exquisite.

Hallie

Racing for the child’s soul.

Kyle

The hunt is on. Who can find Irene Hawthorne first?

Emily

Which is great because they’re like right behind where they were, they’re just a little bit out of the way.

Kyle

Okay. Ariel, in a bush.

Ari & Hallie

[Chuckling.] In a bush.

Emily

[Sweetly.] You’re welcome, Kyle. I ruined your plans.

--

Kyle

So, Skulliard has a big prospective student visitation going on, and I want to know what big official or unofficial event is going on during that visitation. Again, it could be official, it could be “we have pre-test tests for students to know what tests are like,” or it could be like “yeah, the guys over at Sigma Tri Alpha are having a rager.” The whole spectrum is there for you.

Emily

I just want to express my appreciation for the fact that you said visitation instead of visit.

Kyle

Is visitation more like… is that only used for prisons?

Hallie

No, it’s used for wakes.

Emily

No… Yeah.

Hallie

It’s like, the visitation is the part before the funeral. So, that was an intent—

Tom

It was very intentional.

Kyle

Very intentional pun. Mm-hmm.

Emily

[Smirking.] You’re so clever.

Kyle

I’m so clever.

Hallie

I’m so proud of you, Kyle.

Emily

Anyway. Sorry for interrupting. Hallie, what was yours?

Hallie

It was a worthy interruption. I have one. I have an event.

--

Tom

I know for a fact I did almost nothing on the presentation. I suggested one idea that made it into the final draft.

Kyle

No, what you two did was drop a 15-page script weeks before you were graduating when I asked for a five-page script three months before then.

Hallie

It was hard to get it all in five pages because it was so good. It was such a good script.

Ari

Is that from the Disney Noir?

Kyle

That is the Disney Noir one.

Hallie

That is the Disney Noir.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle

They told me I was gonna do it, and I’m like no, this was your project, I was just managing overall.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

I was so excited to edit the Disney Noir. Oh, I’m so sad.

Tom

In my defense, I wasn’t a mature enough person to say we just have to let this idea die because no one is capable of doing this, this semester.

Emily

Well, I mean, we’re going to Disney now.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

We can film it there!

Tom

No.

Ari

We can film the Disney Noir.

Hallie

They’ll let us do that!

Tom

No, please.

Hallie

They’ll allow that. They won’t mind.

Tom

No.

Kyle

We just need a cellphone, an axe, and Mickey ears.

Hallie

That’s literally all we need. We can do it, guys!

[Bangs excitedly on her desk.] I’m writing this down. I’m adding it to our Disney Land spreadsheet.

--

Tom

The other one was worse, and I was thinking this is gonna be X-Carded because it was a little too real.

Ari

Okay.

Tom

Some pro-gun protestors have decided to abuse the fact that Skulliard is technically government property and so technically all of their rights apply here to just show up and be assholes to everyone, because that happened at OSU when I was there.

Hallie

I thought you were gonna go a little bit darker and say it doesn’t matter because everyone there is already dead.

Kyle

I’m not gonna do gun. I’m gonna say pro-crossbow protestors are on Skulliard. They’re pro-crossbows and they’re pro-swords, because those are elegant weapons.

Tom

[Pained chuckling.] No.

--

Hallie

Okay, so we are… Quique and Sparky are aware of—

Kyle

I’m gonna say you can be aware.

Hallie

Okay. I’m just unclear, so I don't know what to…

Tom

You are probably aware.

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

I’m not that far away. That was my hole joke, that I was sitting just out of frame.

[01:15:00]

Hallie

Sparky does a spit-take. She spits out her juice or whatever she was drinking. She happens to glance over and goes (splutter).

Kyle

You don’t have to do anything, Sparky.

Hallie

I don’t think she would is the thing. I just wanted to do the spit-take and then I’m going to continue drinking my juice elegantly.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He’s not gonna ask how the car’s doing today.

Hallie

Good.

--

Kyle

Alright. Tom, what were yours?

Tom

Mine were 14 and then 5.

Kyle

Oh no! Oh, that’s bad.

Hallie

I’m so happy right now. I like when those sounds are not about me.

--

Kyle

[Various ska cappella sounds.]

I’m gonna have to come up with some bullshit song. Thank you for that!

Emily

I can’t wait to hear what happens.

Kyle

We’re the Ska Patrol!

Ari

[Amused.] The Ska Patrol.

Kyle

And the “AH” Patrol! And you’re gonna go “ah” in amazement of our ska cappella. [Vocalizes instrumentals.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]