32. Skapocalypse (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle (as Earl)

You wanna go to college already?

Emily (as Irene)

I mean, obviously.

Kyle (as Stella)

Yeah, but not for like… heh, not for like, uh… What was I… What was I saying?

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Not for permanently, Stella.

Kyle (as Stella)

Right, not for permanently. It’s just, you know, it’s an art school, and I’m an artist.

Kyle (as Earl)

Yes you are. I have all your art on the fridge.

Kyle

And there’s a giant magnet that’s connected to this piece of abstract art that’s so heavy the fridge door just falls off and breaks.

[Funky music begins.]

Kyle (as Stella)

Yeah, so like, I’m doing a performance for the prospective student day, and uh…

Emily (as Irene)

Stella’s probably gonna get naked again, but I’ll just close my eyes.

Kyle (as Stella)

I didn’t say naked, I said all natural. It’s different.

Emily (as Irene)

Anyway. I want to go to the college, with Stella, to see her great show.

Kyle (as Earl)

Well yeah, I think that’s a real good idea. Let’s make a family trip of it.

Emily (as Irene)

That’s fine. It’s not personal, you’re just old.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh?

Kyle

He looks at Aubrey who just nods his head.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh…

Emily (as Irene)

You can hang out with Aubrey.

Kyle (as Earl)

Well, I suppose there’s a door that needs fixing.

Kyle

Earl says, turning to Aubrey who then turns to you, Irene.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Well, have a super great time, you two. And Irene, if anything goes wrong, you know our cell plan does cross across worlds, so you just give me a call, give me a text—

Emily (as Irene)

I won’t.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Do we need a safety emoji?

Emily (as Irene)

No.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Okay. The thumbs up…

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t use emojis.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Or just the word thumbs up, that’s our safety. Okay?

Kyle (as Stella)

She won’t need safety when she’s with me. Safety and art are complete opposites.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

That is exactly my concern, Stella. Thank you for outlining it.

Kyle (as Stella)

Alright. Unrelated, let’s get in the Artmobile.

Kyle

You get in a car that is more art than car. You drive down and you follow Stella to Skulliard.

Emily

Irene is terrified the entire drive because obviously Stella is a terrible driver.

Kyle

Yes.

Emily

And her car is not good.

Kyle

No. No, it is, uh…

Emily

It’s worse than Sparky’s van before it got fixed.

Kyle (as Stella)

The fire is part of the artistic merit o fit.

Emily (as Irene)

It’s kind of near the gas, and the oil.

Kyle (as Stella)

Well, that makes it burn better.

Emily

This is fine.

[Music swells before ending.]

Kyle

So Irene, you are going with Stella to see her performance. Right? No ulterior motives or anything.

Emily

Nuh-uh.

Kyle

But if you did have one, what would it be?

Emily

To find Ariel and question them, because obviously, if someone is avoiding something, then jumping them out of nowhere will get them to talk about it. Irene is 12.

Kyle (as Stella)

Oh, wo, the 12-year saga of the arts!

Emily

She nopes out right away.

[Innocent playful music begins.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] So, how do you know Ariel is here and how are you gonna go about finding them?

Emily

I interrogated people who I knew know Ariel.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

So that’s how I know that they’re gonna be here.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody with Fierce.

Emily

Convince Somebody with Fierce. Okay. Well, I have 3 Fierce. That’s good.

[Rolls.] That would be a 3 and a 2.

Kyle

Eight overall.

Emily

Yeah, that’s pretty good.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Another scared kid walks away, but you hear a perky voice behind you say:

Kyle (as Juniper)

Well hi there, Irene!

Emily (as Irene)

[Flatly.] Hello.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Whatcha doing?

[Romantic Diner music begins.]

Kyle

Juniper, on her little Ski-lees, because she has ski Heelys, just kinda swoops over to the side holding her messenger bag and looking at you.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m gathering information.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, information. Information on what?

Emily (as Irene)

You wouldn’t know them. Their name is Ariel. They were supposed to be at our duel, but they weren’t.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh. Ariel, Ariel, Ariel… Yes! Ariel Zamora Hueso, Twelfth Grade student over at Valley Public High, runs the Necromon Dueling Club. They’re 6’2”, {18 months, three years}, 26 days old, favorite musical genres are ska and musical theater, 3.8 GPA, adds a new hair color streak approximately every half a year, is looking at Skulliard… Yeah, I guess I don’t know that much, you’re right.

Emily

[Chuckling.] Irene stares into the void for a second.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

Well, I didn’t need your help. Bye.

Kyle (as Juniper)

[Stammers.] Oh, alright. Bye!

Kyle

And she waves her hand.

Kyle (as Juniper)

See you at class!

Emily

Irene is just muttering to herself.

Emily (as Irene)

Why did I say bye? Why didn’t I say goodbye? Goodbye is a professional way to say…

[Groans.] Oh, whatever.

Kyle

As you’re gone, we hear some muttering from Juniper’s bag. She looks down and says:

[00:05:00]

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, no-no-no, “bye” is more casual, it’s more friendly. Mm-hmm. You’re so stiff, do you know that? Ha, I made a pun. I should write that one down. Because you’re made out of wood, and I called you stiff… You get it.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Alright. Yeah, so, we’re gonna flash forward. You followed the sounds, you followed the commotion.

Emily

Yeah, I just listened for the ska.

Kyle

You listened, and you listened, and you waited for your moment to strike… and Ariel was none the wiser.

Emily (as Irene)

That’s because I’m sneaky.

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Intro’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle (as Xochi)

Hello everyone~! I am so excited to see you~

Kyle

The crowd immediately—there’s a moment of confusion, but it erupts into laughter. This is an art school—Not laughter. It erupts into applause. No one laughs at Xochi, they applaud, they hoot, they holler. There’s one guy who laughs, but everyone’s looking at him real weird for it.

Hallie (as that one guy)

[Long awkward chuckle.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That’s that guy.

[Sounds of the crowd cheering.]

Emily (as parent)

[Tearful.] Xochi! Please, kiss my baby on the head!

Kyle (as Xochi)

Thank you, no thank you, everyone for celebrating my wonderful performance with my costar.

Kyle

And Jam immediately jumps up.

Kyle (as Jam)

Yeah, that’s me! That’s me, Jam! Me and Ariel!

Kyle

Xochi just pushes him to the side and says:

Kyle (as Xochi)

Not you~! Does anyone know where my costar is~?

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Kyle

While she’s doing that talking, we see the rest of you—well, not Irene, Irene is…

Emily

Busy.

Kyle

But, the remainder of you are either in the crowd or you’re still hidden kind of in the secret passageway, one of the two.

Ari

My thing was just trying to blend into the crowd to go and see where Ariel went.

Hallie

Okay. My thing is kind of like that, but I want to grab Quique and then do my thing. So my thing! My thing. Um…

Kyle

Are you excited for this thing, Hallie?

Hallie

I’m excited for my thing.

Kyle

Are you per chance just a little bit excited?

Hallie

I am like more excited than normal about this thing that I have to say and to do, and succeed, question mark. Okay, so earlier, Sparky was like, Quique, I don’t get why you’re so keyed up about this whole thing, and Quique was like, it’s not the school, it’s a person, Sparky, god, and then Sparky was like, see, I played dumb and then I got more info. It was great. It was a good journalist move. A pro gamer move, if you will.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Then Quique has been, like… before this, Quique was pointing at Xochi, so Sparky now knows… worried about a person, it’s this person, she can put those two together, but in addition Quique mentioned Sparky should be aware of her feelings, and Sparky had no idea what that meant, but using that info plus musical setting plus ‘where is Ariel,’ I just want to:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh my god, it’s a siren.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

I wanna just put that together, because Sparky’s really smart and a journalist and has all these pieces of information. Then, after I do that, I would like to take from my pockets a signature item that I don’t think I have used before, my Where Pods. They’re like Air Pods, but Where Pods!

Kyle

Are they synced to the SmackBook Pro or are they unrelated?

Hallie

They’re not synced right now, but they can be.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay.

Tom

“Oh no, she has her Where Pods in. She can’t hear us.”

Hallie

[Laughs.] “She can’t hear us.” So, I’d like to take Where Pods out, and then I would maybe like to spend an AP to add something useful to the environment that wouldn’t necessarily be there otherwise. It’s more Where Pods, for everybody.

Kyle

Okay, but these are—

Hallie

They’re like off-brand Where Pods.

Kyle

Yeah. They’re not gonna work past this session. I need you to explain why and where and how. Are these the ones that are synced to the SmackBook Pro?

Hallie

No, no, she only syncs her good ones. She has one good pair. That’s the pair that’s synced to the SmackBook Pro, and that’s her pair, that’s the pair she’s using.

Ari

Can I argue that Quique brought one pair for him?

Kyle

Yes, but Quique’s have to be like really, really old headphones.

Ari

Like the ones I’m wearing?

Kyle

Yeah, exactly, like the ones you’re wearing, but let’s double them, triple them maybe even.

Emily

He likes his Beats?

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So yeah, I’m just gonna steal this actual brand. You pull out your MAD CATZ Where Pods…

[00:10:00]

Hallie

Yes!

Kyle

…which are translucent like the MAD CATZ old game controllers and have little dongles in them that just jitter around but don’t actually do anything.

Hallie

So I pull those out and I’m stopping Quique from leaving immediately. I’m just gonna put the Where Pods in my ear and then hand a pair out to Hilda.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, okay, so she’s a siren. That’s why you were worried.

Ari

Quique is just going to, like… maybe he was like “no, what I’m trying to tell you is she’s a—” and then Sparky says that.

Hallie

Sparky was like, oh, she’s a siren, yeah.

Ari

He’ll look at Sparky with his mouth open. Since he’s a skeleton, it’s gonna fall down.

Kyle

Just on the ground.

[Laughter.]

Ari

And then he puts it back slowly and just stares at Sparky and slowly nods. He’s so surprised by that. If Sparky wants to lead him somewhere, he probably won’t notice.

Tom (as Hilda)

So, how do we find Ariel, Boss?

Ari (as Quique)

Wait. You knew that and you brought the kid?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well, I brought Where Pods. Yeah, I brought the kid, and then I brought protective equipment for the kid. Look, I didn’t know what I was coming into. You wouldn’t tell us!

Ari (as Quique)

Because I… Ugh!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, that backfired bigtime.

[Silly planning music begins.]

Alright, so we have Where Pods. Listen, just keep these in. She’s going to manipulate your emotions, so just be careful. You’re smart, you’re mature for your age, you’ll be fine. You know why? Because I trust you.

Ari (as Quique)

Fine.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I realized that was a dunk after I said it, like on Quique. “No, I trust you.”

Ari (as Quique)

If anything happens to the kid, it’s on you, Sparky. That’s all I will say.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah-yeah, I take—

Tom (as Hilda)

I can take care of myself!

Ari (as Quique)

That’s what they all say.

Tom (as Hilda)

Not every kid says that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright, so we have to find Ariel. That’s what you’re worried about, right? You’re worried about Xochi influencing Ariel. That’s why you’re so…?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly it, nothing else in this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. Well, have you seen them?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh, well, they were there a second ago and now they’re not there, so I was going to go and see where they were before she sees where they went.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. Let’s do some snooping.

Kyle

So…

Hallie

We’re gonna snoop.

Ari

Can I use Natural Hunter and use an AP to say that I had something of Ariel’s?

Kyle

Yeah. What did you have of Ariel’s?

Ari

Uh… I didn’t think too much on that. Maybe…

Hallie

Did Ariel have Where Pods?

Ari

Probably not.

Hallie

[Grinning.] Every-Where Pods.

Kyle

Ariel is only wired. Ariel’s headphones are in fact bigger than Quique’s, because it’s in style.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Or maybe a book. Maybe “oh, you forgot your notebook, kid,” in case they were found, like a book of colleges.

Kyle

Yeah, which you had given to Ariel.

Ari

One of those best colleges books where they make  notes of things, like “this college I liked.”

Kyle

It’s like that and a complex planner. Way to detailed, but that’s how Quique likes it. Yeah, Ariel hasn’t written in it at all. You’ve just seen ideas for a musical and pitches to Xochi, and nothing else. But yeah, you have that. That will give you… You get advantage, right, when you have something?

Ari

Yeah. If you have access to an item related to the creature you’re hunting, roll with advantage.

Kyle

Okay!

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled… a 6.

[Music ends.]

Tom

[Groaning.] Oh…

Hallie

You got 6!

Ari

I got 6.

Tom

With advantage?

Ari

Oh, no, wait. No. I need to roll again. Sorry, hang on.

[Laughter.]

Tom

I was going to say, the probability has to be so low.

Ari

[Rolls.] Okay, a 9 now.

Tom

[Relieved.] Okay.

Kyle

Okay! Okay. Okay. You know approximately where the target is. I am going to say that there are… I’m gonna say there’s hedge clippings. Someone tell me what the hedge clippings are of.

Hallie

Pufferfish!

Tom

I wanted a snake. Snakes are Roman, and also… Severus.

Kyle

And we are doing snakes. Alright, it’s the, um… I’m gonna combine all three of our ideas. You see the fearsome puffersnakeotaur.

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

It’s the minotaur, but a snake, but a pufferfish, and I’m gonna leave the audience to figure out what the fuck that looks like.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Send us your art! We want to see it.

Kyle

And it’s by a… Let’s make it dramatic. It is in front of a hedge maze.

Hallie

Oh my god.

[Mystery music begins.]

Kyle

Quique, you can… How do you figure out that Ariel is probably in that maze somewhere?

Ari

Could they have had only one page torn out from the book, and the page is near the maze?

Kyle

Yeah. You see a page. Someone give me an edgy adjective.

Hallie

Edgy.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

No, that was it.

Tom

Gloam!

Ari

Shadowed.

Hallie

Smoky…

Kyle

Okay. Okay. I like shadowed. Someone give me a noun.

Ari

[Chuckling.] The Hedgehog.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Tom

Horse.

Hallie

Um, um, um… pinafore.

[00:15:00]

Ari

What does that mean?

Hallie

It’s a dress.

Ari

Okay.

Emily

Goose.

Hallie

It’s a type of dress.

Emily

Swan! They’re gonna drown you.

Tom

It’s true. They tried to do it to me. I almost died.

Emily

Shadowy swans.

Ari

A shadowy swan.

Kyle

Shadowed Swan… A musical by Ariel Zamora Hueso.

Hallie

Bless them.

Kyle

You see that outside of the puffersnakeotaur.

Ari (as Quique)

Huh, I guess they did learn what a swan was. They were listening to my lessons.

Kyle

[Laughs.] It’s extinct. That makes it edgy.

[Music ends.]

So, you all go into the maze.

Hallie

Yes!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Irene! Because they figured out approximately where Ariel is, I’m gonna give you five minutes, in raw recording time, to say what you want to say to Ariel. When that time is up, so everyone just count down five minutes from now—

Emily

I don’t want that.

Kyle

—that’s when you find them.

Emily

I don’t want that. That’s stressful.

Kyle

So, we’re gonna start… five, four, three, two, one.

Hallie

[Encouraging.] Go, Emily!

[Pompous academic music begins.]

Kyle

You are under the glimmering golden… we’re gonna actually say—Xochitl flowers are golden, right?

Ari

I think so.

Kyle

So there is a man in armor, and it is glittering golden orange armor out of Xochitl flowers. So yeah, you’ve taken Ariel under the statue of Theseus.

Ari

Why, though?

Kyle

It’s just Theseus. It’s still Theseus in this world.

Ari

But like, why? But like, why? Is it really just Theseus if it has been replaced? And if it is, is it truly Theseus?

Kyle

Is it truly? Who knows?

Hallie

Who knows?

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

Ariel!

Kyle

They’re looking around. They are not paying you any attention.

Emily

She taps them on the cheek.

Emily (as Irene)

Look me in the eyes, Ariel.

Kyle (as Ariel)

That way. I must go that way.

Kyle

And they get up and just start brushing past you, walking out.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Emily

Irene will grab ahold of them with both her arms and legs.

Emily (as Irene)

No you will not! Do you know how much I put up with to get here?

Kyle

Ariel keeps walking, their leg dragging Irene. It is definitely more difficult, but they really do not seem to care.

Emily (as Irene)

Well, you can keep walking, but talk to me while you’re walking, then!

Kyle (as Ariel)

Okay. Ariel, this is a big day. You can do this. It’s gonna be great. Just the greatest musician in the Hereafter, the Here, and the Afterworlds. You’ve got this. You’ve, uh…

Emily (as Irene)

So it’s about another person?! It’s a single person that could pull you away from the greatest job you will ever have in your entire life?

Kyle

Ariel taps the many pockets on their pants and jacket.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Where… Where is it? Where…?

Kyle

And that’s when they notice you, and you probably wish they hadn’t, because you see pure unending fury.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Oh no.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Where did it go?

Emily (as Irene)

Where did what go?

Kyle (as Ariel)

Chingada madre! The script! Where is… Where is the fucking script?

Emily (as Irene)

Oh. I thought you were talking about your standards. They’re gone.

Hallie

Ha!

Emily (as Irene)

Your script might be, but I didn’t do anything. I was busy saving you from yourself.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Me vale, wey. Where’s the fucking script?

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t know! That’s not my problem.

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Exhales.] Fine.

Kyle

Roll me a Fierce.

Emily

I will roll you a Fierce. I’m good at Fierce. I have 3 Fierce. I’m gonna use my skull dice even though they always give me bad rolls.

[Rolls.] Okay, so I got a 7, but I have 3 Fierce.

Kyle

Okay, so that’s a success. You know the comic thing where someone shakes their arm or shakes their leg? They try doing that with you.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Get off.

Emily (as Irene)

No!

Kyle (as Ariel)

Get off!

Emily (as Irene)

No! I won’t. You’re gonna tell me. Why didn’t you come to the club?

Kyle (as Ariel)

What club?

Emily (as Irene)

The Necromon Club, of course!

Kyle (as Ariel)

The Necro… Ugh. You’re not making any sense, wey. Alright, we are going to keep going.

Kyle

And they start dragging their leg with you along with them as they start marching out.

Emily (as Irene)

Explain to me your choices, Ariel, or else.

Kyle (as Ariel)

What do you want me to explain? You know, sometimes people get older and they go for their big break. Okay? Okay? Just because…

Kyle

No, they’re escalated, they would be this mean.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Just because your big break ended with flaming disaster doesn’t mean mine needs to.

[Someone gasps.]

Emily (as Irene)

Ha… ha. You’re so funny, Ariel.

[00:20:00]

Emily

She will dig her feet into the ground.

Kyle

This stops Ariel.

Kyle (as Ariel)

What?

[Sad music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Why aren’t you “you”?

Kyle (as Ariel)

I’m me. I’m exactly me. I’m exactly… I’m acting exactly as—

Emily (as Irene)

No! You’re cool!

Kyle (as Ariel)

See? The fact that you think that means you don’t have any standards.

Kyle

And they go to walk off again. And, uh… that’s the end of our time.

[Music changes to silly ghosty music.]

Right as they turn to go around, that’s when the rest of you find Ariel with Irene, probably half a foot deep in the ground, just dug in holding on for dear life in the middle of this hedge maze.

Tom (as Hilda)

Irene, you are here!

Emily (as Irene)

I’m busy.

Hallie

I wanna gently nudge Quique on the shoulder.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh look, there’s another kid helping you out here.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

[Grumbles.] Did you send her in advance, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, she did this one all on her own. Good spunk, kid.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m a rogue agent.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

I guess that was a good start. Yeah.

Ari

Would we have heard that last part of the conversation?

Kyle

Uh… yeah, we’ll say the final couple lines.

Emily

Does he know that Ariel was being mean to Irene?

Ari

Yeah, no, I think Quique heard that.

Ari (as Quique)

I agree with what she said, kid.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Oh, of fucking course! Of fucking course. Yeah, you put her up to this, huh? Of course he put her up to this.

Ari (as Quique)

Didn’t you just hear me being concerned about this kid being here? How would I have been putting her into this?

Kyle (as Ariel)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Whatever. Alright. Alright. She told me you would lie like this. Alright, I have to go. Okay?

Ari (as Quique)

No you don’t.

Kyle (as Ariel)

I am going to go.

Ari (as Quique)

I don’t think you even can go anywhere.

Emily (as Irene)

They can’t.

Ari (as Quique)

I think we just, you know… we can just talk here, as long as you’re not actually sinking into the ground. We can just have a little debriefing conversation here.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Love a good debrief.

[Time stop SFX plays.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

Hey there, narrator Ariel here again. This is quite a pickle, honestly. I didn’t quite know how I was gonna get out of it. There was nothing that Ariel… small, small Ariel could do. But then I thought “what would Xochi do?”

[Time rewind SFX plays. Swing chase music begins.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

Kidnapping! Assault! Somebody! Bad people here!

Hallie

Is that Ariel?

Kyle

Yeah, because that is what Xochi would do.

Ari (as Quique)

Are you accusing the ground? I am not keeping you here.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Well, talk to your little rogue agent here!

Emily (as Irene)

I’m not little and I’m not his! I’m doing this on my own because you’re being mean!

Kyle (as Ariel)

Then who? Did Yunuen? The little one. Did Yunuen set you up to this?

Ari (as Quique)

Don’t you dare put her into this. Are you listening to what you’re saying now?

Kyle (as Ariel)

More than you are, apparently. Did you take the script?

Ari (as Quique)

What script?

Tom

Hilda’s just gonna quietly say:

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m gonna go make sure nobody surprises us.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Come on, Booker.

Kyle

You said you’re gonna go with Booker?

Tom

Yeah.

Emily

You are not gonna go with Booker.

Tom

[Sad.] No… Ugh, betrayal.

Kyle

So, we have a new mechanic where players can, if they want to set up something or justify something that might cost AP, do a cutaway gag, and if I find it funny enough it will happen. So, why isn’t Hilda with Booker?

Emily

Booker has found his calling with the spoon game.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Oh no! No!

Emily

He’s gotten ahold of a spoon, just a spoon.

Tom

Just a real spoon.

Kyle

Metal spoon.

Emily

And is scuttling around people’s feet, stabbing them in the ankles.

Tom

Oh no~

Emily

He probably started when he saw Sparky Malarky stab Yunuen.

Hallie

I had a good effect on someone.

Tom

I want to imagine Hilda says what she says, then looks, and you know that cartoon effect you’ll sometimes see in say Pokémon…

Emily

Where it’s the blinking?

Tom

Yeah, the blinking outline where something should be. Hilda just…

Tom (as Hilda)

Huh?

Tom

…and then just the cut to black and white of just a freeze-frame of Hilda’s face.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Breathy.] Oh no. Where’s Booker? Booker, where did you go?

[Music ends.]

Emily

You lost your cat on this college campus.

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker!

Kyle

So anyways, the effect of that is Booker has a metal spoon, is bloodthirsty, and you can summon him at one moment to get you out of a jam.

Tom

Exquisite.

Kyle

Specifically as long as he is attacking someone with a spoon. That is the one requirement.

Emily

Yeah. So just, you know, let me know if you want the impact of a flying Booker with a spoon.

Tom

Good to know.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Okay.

Tom

Hilda’s just going to slump down and be like…

[00:25:00]

Tom (as Hilda)

[Squeaking.] Oh no.

Tom

…very deeply distracted from the Ariel drama for a moment.

Hallie

I’m gonna go sit with Hilda, because this is also not my drama, and Sparky respects that.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

But I do want to whisper to Quique before heading over.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hey. Do they know that she’s a siren?

Ari (as Quique)

You know, I actually didn’t really tell them that, but I don't know if…

Hallie (as Sparky)

I don't know. If I heard that someone was magically manipulating me into feeling very strong emotions, I’d be pretty upset, so maybe giving them all the information might be a good way to go, but it’s not… it’s not—I’m gonna go sit with Hilda, she looks upset. Call me if you need me!

Hallie

And then just “zoom.”

Ari (as Quique)

How good are you at hearing whispers, Ariel? Did you hear that?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

They are on their hands and knees looking for that piece of paper.

Hallie

Oh god.

Ari (as Quique)

Okay, kid. I guess, you know… I feel like you have… You know that she’s a siren, right? Yeah, you know, listen—

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Shouting.] Do you think I’m a fucking idiot?

Ari (as Quique)

No, but you know, there may be some not super true feelings going on there with you and her, and so…

Kyle (as Ariel)

Yeah, okay. Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, I’ll sure listen to the emotionally-repressed pile of molting bones that would sooner confront his sobrine during an important trip than actually tell any important relevant stuff about family that might be relevant to someone’s interests.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh…

Kyle (as Ariel)

Yeah, I’ll do that.

Ari (as Quique)

[Stammers.] Maybe, you know… There are some things that you… I didn’t think of telling you about my family relationship with her, or your family relationship with her. It didn’t really change much, really. She isn’t around that much, so…

Kyle (as Ariel)

So she doesn’t matter. So I won’t matter, too, when I’m gone, because I won’t be around. You see, that’s the issue, Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

When did I say that?

Kyle (as Ariel)

You don’t share anything. We share everything.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Alright, I’m going to cut to Hilda and Sparky. Do you eventually go to the entrance to see if anyone’s gonna follow you?

Tom

Yeah.

Hallie

Unfortunately, yes. Yeah, we give…

Tom

Hilda takes a moment, but Hilda knows that there’s a siren after them and does actually care about making sure no one gets through.

Kyle

Okay.

Kyle (as Xochi)

What a shame. What a shame~! I’m in agony~!

[Silly villainous music begins.]

You see, not only did I want to share the newest hottest talent in the Hereafter with you, after myself of course, but uh… well, like the rest of you, I do desperately adore this spoons game.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Xochi)

You know, when I was in Skulliard, I almost… I can’t say it. I can’t say it!

Kyle

And the crowd is just like: ‘What are you gonna say? What’s going on? What’s going on?’

Kyle (as Xochi)

Alright, well I’ll tell you. I guess I’ll tell you, but I had written a never-before-known song about the spoon game.

Kyle

And people start getting real excited.

Kyle (as Xochi)

But, in order to do it, I need to feel the thrill of victory, and well…

Kyle

She looks down at her spoon.

Kyle (as Xochi)

…my spoon says Ariel.

[Spluttered laughter.]

Tom

What…?

Kyle (as Xochi)

So, if only…

Kyle

And she pulls a mic closer. Quique, you can hear this too.

[Tense ambience begins.]

Kyle (as Xochi)

If only someone would bring me my sweet…

Kyle

And she, with her bright green lipstick, kisses her spoon. All of you hear from your spoons a singsong voice, the one that happens when Xochi sings but not her speaking voice.

Kyle (as Xochi)

[Whispering.] …Ariel.

Ari

Oh boy.

Hallie

[Giggles.] Scary.

Kyle

Irene, you need to roll Keep Your Cool because Xochi is targeting all of Skulliard and you’re the only one without headphones right now.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Oh no! We didn’t give you headphones. We forgot!

Tom

Oh no, she doesn’t have her Air Pods on.

Hallie

She doesn’t have Where Pods! She can hear everything!

[Monster rising music begins.]

Kyle

There’s another new mechanic called Monsters. These are enemies that have mon stats, essentially, to make them a little stronger. When you try to do a roll, that is against their stat. So, let’s say their stat is Slick and you try to do Keep Your Cool, which may be exactly what’s happening right now, you’re gonna take a -1. Also, you’re gonna do disadvantage if she is using her skill, and her skill is in Persuasion. So, you’re gonna roll Keep Your Cool but with a -1 and with disadvantage, because it’s Persuasion.

[00:30:00]

Emily

So, if I use my Overextends…

Kyle

That will nullify it.

Emily

Nullify…

Kyle

The disadvantage. The -1 will still apply, but it will add onto your Slick stat.

Emily

Yeah. I’m gonna do Overextends.

Kyle

Alright. How are you overextending?

Emily

Irene is just not focused on anything other than holding onto Ariel’s leg.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I mean, to be fair, if I don’t roll well, I’d probably just stay there anyway.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll. Maybe we’ll say that it’s not an intentional Overextends. This is so loud that it’s… what’s gonna win out, the sound or your migraine.

Emily

Yeah.

[Rolls.] Six and a 2.

Kyle

Okay, a mixed success. So, you can be loud, sloppy or slow.

Emily

I feel like it’s gotta be sloppy because she’s not being good at this. There’s a lot going on for Irene.

Kyle

How is Irene emotionally feeling?

Emily

Deeply uncomfortable. Kinda stressed. Kinda overwhelmed.

Kyle

Okay. You’re so overwhelmed. You’re so immensely overwhelmed. While Xochi is doing a suggestion, she doesn’t actually mind control. What she does is she amplifies emotions. So, your emotions are doubled in this moment.

Emily

[Groans.] No…

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

Oh dear.

[Silly chase music begins.]

Kyle

It might be even more so when you realize you’ve let go of Ariel and they’re booking it.

Hallie

AGH!

Tom

No!

Ari

No. Well, I want to intercept.

Hallie

Intercept!

Kyle

You wanna intercept them? Okay, roll me Take Action.

Ari

Okay.

Hallie

Do a sockball play.

Ari

Yes, I’m gonna do a sockball play.

Kyle

An Argentinian sockball play, if he’s tackling.

[Laughter.]

Emily

If it doesn’t work, I want to throw my Necromon at them.

Ari

[Rolls.] Okay, well you should, because I rolled a 7.

Hallie

Yo.

Ari

I could do It Was A Long Con and then having it like it was part of the plan, having the rest of the team somehow being in on it.

Hallie

Somehow hiding in the bushes.

Ari

Maybe it was a sockball play, so Sparky saw the sockball play with Ariel as the ball and it’s like intending this so that we catch it as the other player.

Kyle

Sparky, you’re on the ground.

Hallie

That’s where I want to be. You know, this was all part of the plan. That’s fine. I did my job.

Kyle

If it’s alright that I re-flavor this a little bit… Ariel is running towards the exit where those two are, and regardless of whether you try to stop them in time, you are both on the ground.

Tom (as Hilda)

Agh!

Hallie (as Sparky)

AGH! [Stammers.]

Hallie

Just wrestling on the ground.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s fine! We did it!

Hallie

Do we have to roll to pin them or anything, or can we just say that we did it?

Kyle

I will let you pin them, but they will be very upset about it.

Hallie

Yay.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Come on. No. What the…?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Let me find another way to say “what the fuck.” Does no mames work?

Ari

Uh… yeah, it could.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

They won’t bother with that.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Fuck off! What’s going on?!

Ari (as Quique)

As I say, you have to not be—

Tom (as Hilda)

We’re trying to help you!

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Yeah. You may think that she is your best friend or whatever, but…

Kyle (as Ariel)

No. No she’s not. She’s not my best friend. She’s family, which is something that I thought you cared about.

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, well, I do, but… you know, there’s some family that is not good. You know?

Kyle

You start hearing voices.

Kyle (as various voices)

No, yeah, we gotta get them. We gotta get them.

For Xochi. For Xochi!

God, I love her music so much.

Yeah, man. Man, she’s just like… she’s almost as hot as a milf. You know?

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle

As the Jakes are starting to spill out into the maze.

Hallie

Not the Jakes! No!

Tom

This is my time! First, I’d like to spend an AP on my Pulls Pranks…

Kyle

Oh god.

Tom

…to have a thing of whimsy appear.

Kyle

You’re just gonna turn this into the Home Alone house?

Hallie

Yes. Yes!

Tom

Oh, you know me too well. How else do you defend against something that can potentially mind control people around you? Simple! You establish traps! So that no matter who is compromised, even if we should lose our Where Pods, no, no… the maze will fight on. So, Hilda has an absurdly long rubber band and water balloons.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Okay.

Tom

I intend to pull continuously weird things out, if you’ll let me.

Kyle

Yeah, we’re gonna…

Tom

I’ll spend more AP if I must.

Kyle

We’re gonna do a roll for this because we’re gonna set up the entire place.

Tom

Good.

Kyle

We’re gonna roll a move that actually got renamed. It used to be called Touch the Other Side, but people thought that was magic, and it sometimes is magic but not always. So, what we’re gonna do is what’s called use the Unfamiliar. This is when you try to access something that’s unfamiliar to you.

[Music ends.]

[00:35:00]

It could be doing magic. It could be driving a car. In this case I’m saying, because it’s a more technical thing, I think it applies here as well.

Tom

Cool. Cool. Let’s go. Let’s do this! Come on!

[Rolls.] OHH! Ah! Twelve!

Hallie

AAAH! Malaita!

Kyle

Natural 12?

Tom

Not natural.

Kyle

Okay. Okay, so semi-Malaita.

Hallie

Semi-Malaita. I’m sorry, I got too excited.

Kyle

Because this is something unfamiliar, or in this case you’re doing so many traps, your traps all have one fatal flaw. They take longer than expected to work, they work but not quite how you expected, or each trap breaks after being used.

Tom

I’m going with each trap breaks after being used. I will slowly be driven back, but they will pay for every inch they take in water and confetti.

Kyle

Have you all ever seen Rambo, First Blood?

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Some Jakes are walking through the maze, and then suddenly an inflatable balloon with water balloons on the end flips out and hits one of them right in the legs.

Kyle (as Jake)

Agh! I’m down! Jakes! Jakes, I’m down! My socks are so wet, I can’t go on!

Tom

Hilda just slowly pulls out a spoon in the bushes.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And he’s down.

Hallie

That’s my girl.

Kyle

He’s down, and we’re gonna say another crumble enters your spoon.

[Frantic silly chase music begins.]

You’re starting to hear the hushed sounds turn into sounds of distress and “fwipping” and whimsy.

Tom

It’s all the classics. They walk through a doorway that’s not even a real doorway. A bucket falls down on someone’s head. How did it happen? How did it get up there? It’s a hedge maze. It happened anyway.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Hilda’s just that good.

Tom

At one corner there’s a very obviously fake door put up with two dice in front of it with a sign “roll to enter.” A Jake rolls it, but it only rolls snake eyes because they’re loaded dice, and he just sits there crying.

Hallie

“I can’t get in the door! I did a roll of the dice!”

Kyle

I might cut this, but Lionel was definitely there. Ariel definitely asked him to run interference.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

But, he can’t make it through. I like to imagine that he dodges a trap.

Kyle (as Lionel)

Ah dang, I think I got stopped. Well, that’s enough for good old Lionel.

Kyle

And he just walks home.

Hallie

I imagine that Hilda’s a little bit behind us making sure all the traps go off. As we go through, and this is working, I want to go to Quique.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And you thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring the kid along.

Ari (as Quique)

I guess you were right. I guess…

Hallie

Sparky does the fist—the two hands up, realizes that she’s let go of Ariel and then immediately goes back to man-handling the teenager through the maze.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah, so how are you moving Ariel?

[Chuckles.] Because you will be overtaken, with some time, but you can hear the distressed sounds and the sounds of whimsy getting louder.

Hallie

Is Irene still holding onto Ariel? Are we dragging Irene along with Ariel?

Kyle

Irene let go, but what is Irene doing? Keeping in mind that you are extraordinarily overwhelmed.

Emily

Irene is a little bit of a straggler.

Ari

Could Quique have grabbed Irene?

Hallie

Right. I want to make sure Irene is with us, because I don't think either of us would have left Irene behind.

Kyle

Yeah, I think that’s fine. It doesn’t sound like Irene’s running, it sounds like she’s just kind of walking around.

[Tragic somber music begins.]

Just a flashback of the Arc 1 finale, going through Irene’s mind. Irene lost, got accused of murder…

Hallie

Uh-oh, poor Irene.

Ari

Is Irene too big for piggy-backing or something like that?

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

Because Quique could carry her through the maze.

Hallie

Is she gonna let that happen?

Emily

[Chuckles.] She would not let that happen.

Ari

I know she wouldn’t in other circumstances, but like…

Emily

You’re just gonna have to drag her along by the hand.

Emily (as Irene)

[Shrieks.]

Ari (as Quique)

Okay! Okay.

Emily

And then she stomps on Quique’s foot.

Ari (as Quique)

Okay, okay, point taken.

Emily (as Irene)

You’re not going to arrest me again!

Hallie

Aww!

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, no, nobody’s… That’s not gonna happen. It’s gonna be fine. We’ll all protect you.

Emily

Irene’s not listening to you.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Have you done anything illegal?

Emily (as Irene)

What?

Hallie (as Sparky)

I mean, you didn’t the first time, so I guess that’s not really…

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Even if you have, I assume Sparky has, and look, she hasn’t gotten caught yet.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look, I haven’t gotten caught. I have something for you.

Hallie

And then I pull out another pair of Where Pods that I have that I give to Irene. Then I want to very seriously take Irene by the shoulder, not in a steadying way, because I know she doesn’t like that, but just in a very, like, “I need you to focus.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

Irene. Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes?

[00:40:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Do you have a sibling named Stella?

Emily (as Irene)

What?

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s the name on my spoon. The name on my spoon is Stella Hawthorne and I’d really like to win this game.

Emily (as Irene)

You’re worried about the spoon?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well, I’m not “worried,” I just have you, so for a moment, you know, like…

Emily (as Irene)

Yes. Please stab her.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Where is she?

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky! Really?

[Laughter. Fast-paced classical music begins.]

Kyle

We’ll say she’s doing a performance in the middle of the hedge maze where she is dressed as a hedge maze person.

Hallie

Excellent.

Kyle

It was half an excuse to get nude, though not technically nude. She just tells the tale of Theseus and the puffersnakeotaur.

Hallie

Love it.

Kyle

From the perspective of the most scorned woman in that story, the puffersnakeotaur.

Hallie

The puffersnakeotaur!

Emily

Obviously.

Ari

[Amused.] Why, though?

Kyle (as Stella)

Woe is I, the puffersnakeotaur, with a name that does not work in iambic pentameter.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Stella)

But can still rhyme when one forces it.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Now that “that” important business is settled, why are you here?

Emily (as Irene)

I was looking for Ariel.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Right, but why?

Emily (as Irene)

Because they didn’t show up to the Dueling Club, and they said they liked the Dueling Club, and so I thought maybe something was wrong.

Kyle

Ariel’s still being—Is Ariel being dragged on the ground while this happens?

Hallie

Yes. I am getting to what we’re gonna do with Ariel, but the point is that I wanna be like:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, so listen. As a peer of Ariel, who is around the same age, what do you think is the best, uh… How do you think we should proceed from here?

Hallie

It’s killing Sparky to ask this 12-year-old who dunks—I’m sorry, 13-year-old who dunks on her…

Kyle

No, she’s 12.

Hallie

Twelve? Okay.

Kyle

Hilda’s 13.

Hallie

Hilda’s 13.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, I guess Sparky’s right in this aspect. I keep trying to talk to them, and I think I’m just making things worse. I just have to let you know, Irene, I think they still like the Dueling Club.

Emily (as Irene)

No they don’t, but it’s fine.

Ari (as Quique)

No, deep inside they do. Trust me on this. They think they don’t, but they think a lot of wrong things currently.

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t like it when adults lie to me to make me feel better.

Ari (as Quique)

I’m not—! Ugh. Why do I keep making things worse? I’m not lying to you.

Emily (as Irene)

Well, I’m so good at talking to my peers, so…

Kyle

Just a long stare at Hilda.

Emily (as Irene)

Hey Ariel, why are you being the worst now?

Kyle

Ariel is just head-down.

Emily (as Irene)

See? Nothing works.

Hallie

Ha!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah?

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m guessing from all this family talk and the fact that you knew Xochi beforehand that you’ve had experience with this whole… siren thing, so how have you snapped other people out of it in the past?

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you know, I haven’t really been that good at it is the problem, so I don't know. It’s hard. I don't know what to tell you, Sparky. I’ve been trying to prevent it before, but…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. Uh…

Ari (as Quique)

It’s just waiting until she gets bored, and that can take a long time.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Xochi)

Ugh, I’m so BORED~!

[Silly villanous music begins.]

I had to spend this morning buying up property.

Kyle (as Overseer)

[Teeth clacking in Morse Code.]

Kyle (as Xochi)

Fine, “attempting” to buy property, thank you very much, BITE’s finest. Now I have to do some hunt.

Kyle

I’ll say Hilda notices first. Xochi is also in the hedge maze accompanied by two Overseers. Based on the conversation, it seems like those are the Overseers that talked to Big Jake Hell.

Hallie

Fuck.

Tom

Hilda’s going to be very afraid and attempt to fall back and let everyone know we need to leave now. It’s time to go away from this place.

Tom (as Hilda)

Boss, Boss, Boss, Boss, Boss!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Um, um, um… I don’t want to scare Irene, but we gotta go. The Overseers are here. They’re with Xochi.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Here’s what we’re gonna do.

Hallie

I wanna take my Where Pods, shove them in Ariel’s ears, and then start playing ska, because we saw that they liked that.

[Rock music begins.]

Then, I’d like to summon my van to come through the hedge maze.

Tom

[Smiling.] Yes.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Just pop up out of there.

Kyle

A couple of Jakes’ and Lionel’s head fly into the air as the van, which we’ll say is synced to the Air Pods somehow…

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

…comes out blasting ska.

Hallie

Jake Hell did that! That’s just one of the things.

[00:45:00]

Kyle (as Xochi)

What is that terrible sound?

Kyle

Take a GM Intrusion.

Hallie

I get my AP back!

Kyle

Who do you give your other point to?

Hallie

My other point I’m going to give to Hilda because I’m just so proud of her. Jake’s sobbing because he rolled snake eyes.

Kyle

This complication is two-fold. You just gave your Where Pods to Ariel, meaning that, Sparky, you don’t have them anymore and are vulnerable to Xochi’s magic. So, one, how is Sparky feeling right now?

Hallie

Sparky’s feeling good, actually, because it’s clear that Quique keeps messing things up and that’s kind of funny because Quique is cool like that. I don't know, she figured out the siren thing, she helped tackle the child to the ground.

Kyle

Okay, cool. You have, for the foreseeable future, if an action is reckless, get advantage. If it requires any sort of thought or patience, take disadvantage.

Hallie

Hell yeah.

Kyle

Until you’re no longer under the spell. Complication two, this is basically a zombie movie now, and you’ve just summoned them all with your ska van.

Hallie

[Makes an aggressive musical riff.]

Tom

Oh no.

Hallie

That’s fine. That’s fine!

Kyle

And you know what, let’s call it a Confrontation. Why don’t we do that, gang?

Hallie

Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s do it, gang. Let’s get in the Mystery Machine!

Kyle

The four of you rush into the van. We’ll take Quique’s lead on this. How do you move Ariel?

Ari

Can I just shove them in the van?

Kyle

[Effort sounds.] “Fwoomp,” thud.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, okay. It is assumed that Sparky is driving.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I’m driving!

Kyle

I’m going to ask you where you’re driving, Sparky.

Hallie

Out! I’m driving out. Just through the maze walls.

Kyle

I’m gonna call one roll for you, Sparky. Take Action.

Hallie

Okay.

[Rolls.] Three. It was a 5, and then -2 is 3, so I go in reverse.

Kyle

[Reluctant.] Take an AP.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Another AP!

Ari

Can I…?

Kyle

Use your Loaded Dice?

Ari

No, I already used my Loaded Dice I think.

Kyle

Fuck it. I’ll take one for the team. It’s a 10 now.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

This is good, because I was gonna have Sparky hit your traps, Hilda. It was whether or not she could successfully dodge the traps while going at the speed of fucking sound. She couldn’t, but now she can thanks to Hilda.

[Ghosty chase music begins.]

The van will not be damaged, because it wasn’t gonna put your clock up, it was just gonna damage your van.

Hallie

Yeah, and I was gonna be real fucking upset if it damaged my van.

Kyle

That doesn’t happen now. Now your clock fills by 1.

Hallie

Yay.

Tom

Hilda’s gonna take a page out of Xoc’s book and climb out onto the van so as to disarm the traps in our way.

Emily

Irene cannot hold you on there, though, so we’re just gonna have to cross our fingers.

Tom

Hilda just scrambles out a window and is now just throwing things at traps to set them off before we go by.

Kyle

I would guess your plan is to get the fuck out of dodge. Right?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yeah, that’s all. Yeah, I’m fleeing.

Kyle

And their goal is to get you. So, Hilda’s on the top stopping traps, Sparky’s speeding. Quique and Irene, what are you doing?

Emily (as Irene)

Detective, I am sorry that I was in your clearly very private family discussion. There was not really anywhere for me to go, so I stayed, but I felt like maybe I should not be there.

Ari (as Quique)

Listen, it’s fine. I think it’s good for people to…

Emily (as Irene)

Witness your family arguments?

Ari (as Quique)

No, no, no. You know, for people that are concerned about… for true friends of Ariel to be aware of this situation.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

They’re not my friend.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Ari (as Quique)

This Ariel isn’t really anybody’s friend, but the true Ariel is. We just need to get them out again.

Emily (as Irene)

Hear that, Ariel? I was right. Your uncle says that you’re actually a good person. So there.

Kyle (as Ariel)

He’s not my tio.

Ari

That just… Quique is just kind of sad at that and just doesn’t respond.

Emily

Irene doesn’t know how to be comforting, so she just doesn’t say anything.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

Hey, is that the Pope?

Ari (as Quique)

Oh no.

[Frantic circus chase music begins.]

Hallie

Oh no, Urbano! No, no, not Urbano!

Kyle

Quique, you hear in the last second over the hand…

Emily (as Urbano)

Father, guide me. Find me this child.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

…as Sparky’s van runs across a Xochi-possessed Urbano just a second too late to avoid hitting him but not too late for him to finish saying:

Emily (as Urbano)

Santa Maria, madre de dios. Ruega por nosotros los pecadores ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte. Jesus Christ!

[00:50:00]

Kyle

Crash! Flames burn up the pope hat. You just hit Urbano and bones shatter everywhere. We’ll say that Quique’s hand, the one that was doing investigating, crawls through the window back to Quique. You still got that. I’m gonna count that as a mixed success, so we’re gonna say you’re 2 and they’re 1 now. Hilda, here’s your hard move.

Tom

Damn it.

[Music changes to tense action music.]

Kyle

You see a man in military armor but also a professional suit, a zombie, with a twin-headed snake on his shoulder jump down.

Hallie

Agh!

Kyle

Dean Septimius Severus reaches in and pulls out a spoon that is more sword than spoon.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Severus)

You shall bring me the one they call Ariel.

Hallie

Oh boy.

Tom

Hilda is going to look on in terror and then shout:

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker, now!

Emily (as Booker)

Re-KOOOOB!

Emily

Booker flies in, pages fluttering, a pointy little spoon in his mouth… area.

Tom

[Chuckles.] Mouth pages.

Emily

[Giggling.] His mouth pages.

Kyle

Septimius Severus blocks it with his spoon. It’s like a dramatic anime moment. You know where the force impact happens and Booker’s just still in the air for a moment?

Kyle (as Severus)

You shall not get the better of me.

Emily (as Booker)

[Challenging.] Rekoob.

Emily

He says, meaning “wanna bet?”

Kyle

What does Booker do then?

Emily

If we’re going with anime, the impact then knocks them both back slightly. They’re on top of the van. It’s real cool. It’s driving. There’s speed lines.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay.

Emily

Booker braces himself as he falls back onto the van’s top. Then he leaps forward again, spoon pointed straight…

[Laughs.] He’s going for the eyes.

Hallie

[Amused.] He’s going for the eyes.

Tom

Can I spend 2 AP to help Booker?

Kyle

You can spend 2 AP for Booker to automatically succeed. How does Hilda help him succeed?

Tom

Hilda pulls out the balloon axe and uses it to bounce Booker higher, outside of where Severus can predict.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Severus)

I have predicted every move. The lowest of my foes have regarded trickery such as elephants and dark magics. If that was the trickery of my lowest of foes, you can only imagine what the most fearsome of foes shall—

Emily (as Booker)

[Dynamic, like flying through the air.] Rekoooooob!

Kyle (as Severus)

Oh no…!

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Severus)

You have gotten the better of me!

Kyle

He says as he just “fwoomp, fwoomp,” he flies back off the van.

Tom

I want Hilda to catch Booker as he comes back down and pull him into a hug.

Emily

Before cuddling up to Hilda, Booker will flick his leg like he’s dismissing his foe.

Kyle

As you flick it, he hits the ground, and there’s just a chain explosion effect of a million different things flying.

Emily (as Booker)

[Pleased.] Rekoob.

Kyle

The 1812 Overture plays. Yeah, so you’re almost done. Sparky, you slam on the breaks because you see a small child in front of you…

Hallie

Is it Yunuen? We need to get her.

Kyle

…with a cane in one hand and a spoon in the other. She just dramatically lifts up the spoon and points it at the van.

Hallie (as Sparky)

No. You gotta put the spoon down before you get in the van.

Ari (as Quique)

Get in the car!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, get in the van!

Kyle

She throws the spoon down on the ground and just starts stomping her angry feet.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

Oh, are you mad that I used the spoon on you? Yeah, that was a low blow.

Kyle

She pulls out her little… I believe I gave her a tiny tablet to message. It just types out the message “you left.”

Emily

Aww.

Ari

Oh no…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, but we’re back now!

Ari (as Quique)

Sorry.

Hallie

Well, this is probably to Quique, so actually I don’t want to chime in.

[Sad music begins.]

Kyle

She shakes her head no and then points angrily at Ariel and replays the message you left.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Suck it, kid. That’s not in character, that’s just me.

Ari (as Quique)

I’m trying to bring them back. Do you want to help us?

Ari

And then just motion to the van.

Kyle

She nods her head, walks up, and gives you a hug.

Ari

Aww. Quique hugs her back really tightly.

Ari (as Quique)

I’m sorry I left. I am sorry I left you, and I know your sibling is too. They just don’t know it yet.

[00:55:00]

Kyle

She goes to hug Ariel, and Ariel just gently… Ariel lets it happen before just pushing Yunuen away.

Emily

Aww!

Tom

Oh…

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

Quique, look at me. Look me in the eyes.

Ari

He does it while still hugging Yunuen.

[Music box music begins.]

Kyle

You see Ariel. You can see there’s some dried tears under their eyes, their lip is quivering, they are very upset, but notably their earbuds are not out and the… for lack of a better word, “frenzy” is not there. What do you see?

Ari

I see my kid.

Kyle (as Ariel)

She’s your kid too, you know.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

They open the door and walk out.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Oh yeah, and take your terrible air buds.

Kyle

And they take them out and throw them back, not super hard, but they still hit the wall anyway and tinkle to the ground.

[College rock music plays.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

That was the end of my first and last day at Skulliard. Now, you might be wondering, what happened to everyone after that? Well…

Kyle

Alright. At the end of college movies they will do a freeze frame of someone during a big celebration and then do “they went on to become mayor of D.C.,” or “their body was never found” in some cases. This is a real downer, but I want to do that with each of our characters even though it makes no sense because it’s a college movie.

Hallie

None at all.

Kyle

What pose is Irene in? What’s the screenshot?

Emily

[Laughing.] After her last duel when she collapses in the hallway.

Hallie

No~! Irene!

Emily

No, I feel like the freeze frame would be her grabbing onto Ariel’s leg, trying to stop them from going.

Kyle (as Ariel)

The Necromon Dueling Club didn’t find another host.

Tom

Hilda paces around her bedroom holding Booker in her arms and nervously drumming her fingers on the spine of his cover.

Kyle (as Ariel)

[Affected by eerie distortion.] Hilda continued to delve into things far more dangerous than she was prepared for.

Hallie

Sparky’s leaning over the wheel like this. As a visible description for the listeners of the podcast, just slumped over the wheel, taking a rest. That was a lot. That was a lot that they did.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Sparky found a clue to her socks later that day.

Kyle

Alright. Ari, what’s yours?

Ari

I think it’s just Quique still doesn’t know what to do because it all backfires. He’s still sitting in the car.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Quique… still doesn’t know what to do.

Kyle

And then the final screenshot is Ariel walking away from everyone kind of triumphantly.

Kyle (as Ariel)

And I… I went on to become the greatest performer in Necropolis. Well, second greatest.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh yeah, I could hang out with—You know what, Aubrey? I think that there is a fridge door that needs fixing.

Kyle

Uh, I think that was more of a Freddie voice.

Kyle (as Earl)

Well, you’re gonna go off to school there, little kid? You’ll get them next time.

Kyle

Alright. Well, I’m just gonna say this out of character. Yeah, sorry for the Freddie voice, everyone. Oops. I’m not redubbing it.

Emily

Live your dreams. Everyone can be Freddie if you try hard enough.

Kyle

As Daryl, not Freddie, Daryl…

Emily

Daryl?

Kyle

Not Daryl, as Earl… Not Freddie, Earl.

Emily

[Laughs.] Who’s Daryl?!

Kyle

I call him Daryl because I get his voice from a sketch of a man named Daryl. It doesn’t matter. Anyways.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

We’re recording this part last and I’m very tired.

--

Ari

Because he’s just like blue-screened at this capability for deduction of Sparky Malarky.

Hallie

I’m so happy because that is the exact reaction I wanted from Quique.

Kyle

I like that Sparky has solved a murder and yet this is the one that makes Quique, like, “she’s a good investigator,” and to be honest, I agree with Quique on this front. Rasputin did not… Fake Rasputin did not hand you the answer that this was a siren.

Ari

No. I think it’s also that it’s an undead kind of thing.

Kyle

Yeah, that’s fair.

Ari

Which Sparky has not been correct about many other things.

Hallie

Hey. Hey! Hey…!

Kyle

[Laughs.] She spent some time looking into the assassination of JFK who is canonically a siren.

Ari

Ah, there we go.

Hallie

I still can’t find my socks, though.

--

Kyle

What is that?

[01:00:00]

Emily

It’s the puffersnakeotaur.

Hallie

Oh, I love him!

Tom

Oh… that is horrifying.

Hallie

Or them. Or her.

Kyle

Her, Hallie! Her!

Hallie

Her? I love her! I just said, I just correct. Her! Ugh.

Emily

Got the buff arms of a minotaur.

Hallie

Patriarchy.

Emily

And the texture of a pufferfish, and the body of a snake.