33. Fright at the Museum

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the roleplaying system Under the Neighborhood. I’m Kyle, he/him, and today I, my… Oh, I have to redo that one, because today I am with two of my best friends and two very special guests. The four of us are going to tell you a story about a pack of cat burglars.

Ari

Hello. I am Ari, she/her. I play Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, or Quique for short, the opportunist who adapts and creates copies, he/him.

Hallie

Hi, I’m Hallie, she/her, and I play Sparky Malarky, also she/her, the intuition who investigates and has a mascot suit.

Kyle

Then we’ve got two, as I said, extra special guests from the podcast Tsar Power!

Roberto

Hello, everyone. My name is Roberto, my pronouns are he/him, and I am playing Aleksandr “Sasha” Mikhailovich Dostoevsky, the intuition who takes up attention, also he/him.

Brendan

And I am Brendan, playing Georgy Nestorovich “Gosha” Bulgakov, also known as the Begemot, the proficiently practiced paranormal private eye. Both our pronouns are he/him.

Kyle

Now, you’re gonna learn more about these guys later, but before we learn about these two wonderful Tsarvians, we gotta learn about what’s going wrong in their life, because it’s time for the Slice of Life Complication! We all know how it works at this point, a mundane complication. We’re all gonna suggest one for someone else. So, who wants to start with a complication?

Roberto

I’ve been thinking of one for the past few weeks.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Roberto

[Laughs.] This complication is for Sparky.

Ari

Oh boy.

Roberto

Sparky’s coffee machine has been broken for the last week.

[Laughter.]

And, she can never find coffee anywhere. It’s always sold out, but she always smells it and sees people drinking it.

Hallie

“Where are you getting it?! Where does it come from?!”

Kyle

She sees the Tsarvians. Both of them are just sipping on coffee, casually.

Hallie

Damn it.

Roberto

Yes, coffee.

Brendan

Gosha is very slyly taking out a flask and pouring some liquid into his coffee.

Roberto

I mean, I think we both are.

Brendan

Yeah, true.

Kyle

Perfect. What else do we got?

Brendan

Wherever Quique goes he seems to encounter some person that attempts to play his ribcage like a xylophone.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

[laughs.] Just some really rude random passerby.

Ari

[Smiling.] No, that’s so rude!

Brendan

It’s like compulsive, they don’t know what came over them. Sometimes they’re very apologetic about it, sometimes they don’t appreciate being confronted about it.

Ari

Oh no. It’s always the same person.

Kyle

Always the same person.

Ari

Probably Lionel for some reason.

Hallie

I was gonna say.

Ari

Even though he’s also a skeleton.

Kyle

“Well yeah, but Quique, yours just has a timbre, a cadence… it sounds so good. Mine, you know, it’s all hollow.” Alright.

Hallie

I’ve got one for Sasha. He has finally compiled his giant manuscript of collected poems, his anthology that will rival Pushkin’s, but after doing so he immediately lost it. He didn’t back it up on the cloud anywhere or anything like that, but he has misplaced it.

Ari

The one I have is for… Is it Gosha? Right?

Brendan

Yeah, Gosha.

Ari

There is a fly that seems to just keep following Gosha around, and Gosha has been trying to kill this fly because it’s just so obnoxious and it always, like… he knows it’s the same one. It’s kind of like the episode of Breaking Bad when there’s a fly in the lab.

Brendan

Yeah, I was gonna bring up the Breaking Bad episode.

Ari

Yeah, basically that.

Brendan

Okay. This one sounds… it’s annoying for Gosha, but it does sound fun for me.

Kyle

Alright. So, let’s go over the four options here. Sparky’s coffee machine is broken, but she’s been going to get her coffee from someplace else, and now it’s always sold out. Everyone has coffee except for Sparky Malarky. Someone keeps playing Quique’s ribcage like a xylophone. Sounds great! Sasha has compiled his poem anthology but lost it, and a fly is following Gosha. I know you’re gonna wanna say all of these. I want you all to pick one. I will allow two maximum, but we have so much going on I will not allow more than two. So, what are we feeling?

[00:05:00]

Hallie

I like the fly and the manuscript, personally.

Ari

I would go also with the fly and the manuscript because there’s just so much going on in Quique’s life at this particular moment.

Kyle

Alright, Brendan and Roberto, what are you thinking? How are you feeling?

Brendan

I don't know, I like my own xylophone one.

Roberto

I really like the fly and the coffee. I feel like that’s gonna affect two people on each side and that’s always fun.

Brendan

Yeah, I also like the coffee.

Hallie

I can roll with the coffee. I can roll with it.

Roberto

Especially because it’s a cat burglar thing, so it’s gonna be late at night.

Ari

Oh yeah, it’s true.

Kyle

That’s true. I think, based on what we’re talking about, we’re gonna have a fly following Gosha at all times. I will be playing the fly. No, actually Hallie, don’t voice it but you play the fly.

Hallie

Oh, just say what the fly is doing?

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

Just say what the fly is doing.

Hallie

Okay. I can do that.

Kyle

And then we’ll do the coffee.

Hallie

I like being irritable. That’s okay.

Kyle

Yeah. The coffee machine is always broken. We know that you can’t get coffee.

Hallie

Right, but now I also don’t have my secondary source of coffee. The real complication is that I can’t get any coffee from any goddamn source.

Roberto

[Grinning.] Yes.

Hallie

But everybody else seems to get it!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright! Last time on Quest Friends! Hereafter:

[Recap music begins.]

Ariel was going to tour Skulliard, the school they were going to, but secretly they were meeting with Quique’s daughter Xochi, a fact that only Quique knows because, while he told Sparky “hey, watch out for Ariel,” he then shared no other information about what was going on. He told Hilda to leave, so Hilda learned that some Overseers working for BITE are trying to buy Die Hop which is owned by Big Jake Hell. It’s the IHOP library thing that you all hang out at.

We learned later that those Overseers were in fact working for Xochi who seems to want to buy Die Hop for some mysterious reason. Shenanigans happened, everyone tried talking to Ariel, tried convincing Ariel this was a bad idea. Ariel was just hyperfocused though on this musical of theirs, Shadowed Swan, a musical by Ariel Zamora Hueso that they wanted to show Xochi. It became a zombie movie although not full of zombies… I’m doing a terrible description.

The point is, by the end, Ariel was pissed and left, and that’s kind of where we’re at right now. Quique and Sparky, what have the two of you been up to since your resounding success at college?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Chuckles.] “At college.”

Kyle

At college. You won at college.

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

You did win the spoon game.

Hallie

I did win the spoon game. We did win the spoon game.

Kyle

So, what have you been up to in the time since then?

[Silly slice of life music begins.]

Ari

Quique just has been dabbling on several different projects back at his house. He’s been getting busy with work, catching up with things, but also started doing several hobbies which I think we might cover later.

Kyle

Yeah, we’ll be getting into those.

Ari

But you know, just keeping himself busy, sometimes texting Ariel, getting “seen” responses.

[Laughter.]

Other than that, just keeping himself busy, writing unfinished letters to Mateo.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

You know, he’s just busy. He’s just busy. Everybody’s gotta have hobbies.

Ari

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s just a lot of new things that he had not explored despite being so old.

Kyle

Could a depressed person do this many hobbies?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Sparky, what have you been up to?

Hallie

Sparky finds herself at a rather interesting crossroads because Quique is “fine” in his own words and she’d love to find out more, and she probably could if she pushed and/or used her snooping skills, but that’s a thing she’s trying not to do because it “invades privacy” and “makes people uncomfortable.” So, her natural journalistic instincts are fighting with her instinct for “friend?” which is leave him alone but also find out what’s going wrong so that she can help, but also that’s going to upset Quique. It’s all a whirlwind, it all connects. It’s like a circle, it’s like an ouroboros, she doesn’t know what to do.

Ari

An ouroboros!

Hallie

She’s stuck in an ouroboros. So, she has been trying to think of the best way to move forward here, and also her socks are still missing, she can’t find her socks.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

And she’s also tired! She’s so tired. There’s no freaking coffee.

Kyle

Alright. Then, do we want to do the pre-session rolls? Since I was gonna do those—

Hallie

Oh yeah!

Kyle

Ari, you messaged those. You got a 10 on Loaded Dice and then it’s twos for success, fives for failures. Right?

Ari

Yeah.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Okay, I’m gonna roll mine.

Kyle

Yeah, what are your stats?

Hallie

Today my Heart is…

[Rolls.] A negative 2.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Why is it so bad?

Hallie

[Smiling.] I don't know. She’s putting so much heart into it that maybe she’s just tired.

[laughs.] Maybe she’s just tired.

[Rolls.] Okay, so…

[Squawks.] That was a 1. That was a 1 that I just rolled. My Books is now also a -2.

[00:10:00]

[Rolls.] My Fierce is a +1 because I rolled a 4.

Kyle

This is all in character for not having your coffee. You’re bad at everything but very mad.

Hallie

Bad at everything but I’m very irritable.

[Rolls.] And then my Slick is just a solid 0, just a straight nothing. Alright, these stats are not looking good for me, but that is fine! That is fine because I get AP when I roll stats I’m negative in.

Kyle

[Laughs.] You do. You do get AP.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, so yeah, Quique’s working on lots of stuff. Quique is acting as if he has all the energy that Sparky does not right now.

Ari

What are you talking about? He has all the energy that Sparky doesn’t have. What do you mean by acting? I use Why Would I Lie.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Unfortunately, Why Would I Lie works only if there’s no evidence to the contrary.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

Speaking of all of the dad hobbies Quique has been doing, I want everyone to give me one dad hobby.

Hallie

ASMR construction videos.

Ari

Yes! Yes. I had told Kyle that I wanted him to watch dad ASMR.

Hallie

Dad ASMR!

Brendan

Does it work for ASMR? Because it’s like a circular saw is going, hammers are pounding.

Hallie

You’d think that would be the case.

Roberto

It’s beautiful is what it is.

Brendan

Do you have to turn the gain down to like 1?

Roberto

No, it’s actually amazing. It’s just great to watch, too.

Ari

It’s just so funny.

Kyle

Because they usually don’t have saws. The guys are usually using sticks and stuff, and like cement.

Brendan

Oh, that guy.

Hallie

Like really gentle hammer taps.

Brendan

Yeah, I love that guy.

Kyle

I’m glad we all know what guy we’re talking about.

Hallie

That guy!

Kyle

When we were all together, Tom just showed me. He was like hey, there’s this thing I listen to, to sleep, and then we just sat down and watched it for ten minutes.

Ari

Yeah, and then Hallie and I came out and were like “what are you watching” They were just mesmerized.

Kyle

I was enraptured. It was beautiful.

Hallie

But we sat there, we ate our little oatmeal, and we were like yeah, this is… yeah.

Kyle

Alright, so ASMR construction videos.

Ari

I want to add Claymation.

Kyle

Okay.

Brendan

Is that a dad hobby?

Hallie

It’s a Ben Wyatt hobby, that’s close enough. He becomes a dad.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, because we all stole from Parks and Rec, Ben Wyatt, “could a depressed person make this,” as he got fired and was making Claymation. That was the impetus for this entire arc of Quique’s. “What if Ben Wyatt?” We’ve done it before.

Ari

We’ve done it before.

Hallie

Welcome to hell.

Kyle

In Season 1. We’re just doing it again but a different way.

Hallie

We’re doing it again, but it’s Ari’s turn.

Ari

It’s my turn, and it’s a different context.

Roberto

The one I had was kind of like… You know how dads just really like to make their own booze? Instead of booze it’s just like calcium cider.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yes! Calcium cider. I love that. It’s so good.

Kyle

And then what’s our final dad hobby?

Brendan

Um… model trains.

Hallie

Yes!

Ari

Ooh, model trains.

Roberto

Choo-choo.

Hallie

Choo-choo.

Brendan

The kind where a whole room of the house is dedicated solely to  model trains.

Hallie

Just to that model train.

Kyle

Some of it has gone into Lionel’s house slash apartment that’s right next door.

Ari

Some of it is on Tucán’s house.

Brendan

He cut a hole in the drywall so the train goes through it like a tunnel.

Hallie

It’s just taken over.

Kyle

The impressive part was that Quique actually made it out of a brand new material specifically so Tucán couldn’t break it.

Ari

Yes. I do think also calcium cider is also pretty impressive.

Kyle

Calcium cider is pretty impressive.

[Birds singing SFX keeps poorly looping.]

So, we open on a nice summer day. It’s pleasant, almost too pleasant. The birds are chirping, but they’re doing so in such a rhythmic way almost like they come from a stock music sound effect lobby.

[Gentle piano music begins]

In fact, we can hear some gentle beautiful piano as a man, tired, with a briefcase in one hand and an old flip phone in the other, walks up to a train, gives his ticket, and he goes to reach into his pocket…

[Music ends abruptly.]

…and then suddenly the screen grays out and just abruptly, like five seconds into this Claymation video, it just stops, and Quique who has been showing this takes a sip from his homemade calcium cider and looks to Sparky.

Ari (as Quique)

What do you think?

[Awkward silly music begins.]

Ari

He’ll say, rubbing his stubble that he somehow has despite being a skeleton man.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh…

Ari (as Quique)

It’s good, right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah.

Ari (as Quique)

I spent, like… I don't know how many days, really.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, you don’t, huh?

Ari (as Quique)

I kind of lost count, but I think there’s promise here. Right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Wow… Yeah, I think the, uh, quality of what has been turned out—

Ari (as Quique)

It’s just like a draft, you know…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, for sure.

[00:15:00]

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, but it’s gonna have more things. The story is really coming along.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Right, there will be more things, and that will take more, like… uncountable number of days to make. Right?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it’s great. By the way, there’s more calcium cider over there if you want that. That only took me like half an hour or something to make my own brewery there in the garage. It really wasn’t that much. But this, this is where it’s at. You know?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh… yeah. Like a whole…? Yeah, this is where that time went, huh.

Ari (as Quique)

Do you think maybe I could put it into some sort of… one of those new art competitions, maybe?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, like a nouveau art… yeah.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! I’m starting to expand my horizons a little bit more. You know?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah. There’s a lot packed into your horizons in this, uh… in your house.

Ari

I want to imagine that, as Sparky says that, another model train just, boop-boop, trying to pass through her feet.

Hallie

She has to move her foot for it to get past.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh, so no, I… Are you having fun doing all this?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! Don’t you think this is…? Yeah! This is great. Right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, no, I love the trains and the…

[Notification sound.]

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! It’s been—Oh my god, I got a text. Oh, no, it’s spam. Never mind. Sorry. I thought, you know… my phone rang, I thought…

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

It’s just… anyways. Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah… you gotta block those spam bots.

Ari (as Quique)

You never know which number messages could come from.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Cut away. Lionel is staring at his phone because he was the one who just sent you the text being like “hey, you wanna hang out tonight.”

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Wow. No, really, Quique, I am impressed with… most of what has been done here. Yeah, this is a really good… I think this is a project you have done!

Ari (as Quique)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Ari

Quique is nodding as he downs another of his ciders.

Hallie

Sparky, who has a capacity to eat and drink disgusting things such as Capri-Fun, slowly pours hers out in a pot so as to pretend she has drunk the whole bottle.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, it’s really good, Quique. It’s really… really good. So, when was the last time you left?

Ari (as Quique)

Left what?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like… this room.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… what day is it today?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Saturday.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… I think I had a thing. I had a meeting on Wednesday. Was it Wednesday of last week? I don't know, I went to work. I still go to work, Sparky. I think it was relatively recent.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay.

Hallie

Kyle, I don't know if I should roll a Perception kind of a thing, but Sparky has her skepticals on when Quique is like “no, I just went.”

Ari

Oh, no, I want to do an opposing roll.

Kyle

Okay. You’re gonna roll Heart, Hallie, and Quique’s gonna roll Slick.

Hallie

That gives me an AP because I’m rolling in a thing that I am not good at today.

Kyle

That you’re not good at today.

Hallie

Uh-huh!

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a 10.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Oh, that sucks.

Kyle

The only way Hallie beats you is literally with a natural 12.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Which I didn’t get. I got a 4.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

Yeah, he’s probably… he’s right, he’s probably left for work. Now, what you don’t know is that Quique’s actually been working from home. His lab is just in the garage where the cider is.

Ari

Yes! It’s next to the brewery. “No, I think I had a meeting that Wednesday of last week.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. Okay! Oh, so you have been. Okay, that’s… okay, that’s good.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. This is just one of those side hobbies.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, one of those.

Ari (as Quique)

You have to put in the time.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Right.

Ari (as Quique)

You know, just like you have to put in the time for your reporting stuff. I’ve been putting the time in for this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah. I mean, reporting is my career not my hobby, but yeah, no, same thing for sure.

Ari (as Quique)

Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. I know that you must have a lot to fit into your busy schedule, but—

Ari (as Quique)

I still have to continue the story. I think it’s going somewhere. Right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, it’s going somewhere, on that… train. But, you got my calendar invite, right?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so. You sent me something about wanting to go—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah I did.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah!

Ari

I have to check my calendar. If you open it, it has a lot of just “continue Claymation project” and “continue brewery thing.”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, not surprised.

Ari (as Quique)

I think I could open a spot here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m not surprised you missed it in the middle of the rest of your calendar. Well, anyway! We gotta go to Die Hop. You wanna go to Die Hop?

Ari

Quique got distracted looking at the messages in his phone.

Ari (as Quique)

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, Die Hop. You wanna, like, get out of here?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, I just gotta… I just gotta change really quick.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Because I intended to go, but then you dragged me in here to show me Claymation, so we’re actually kind of a little bit late now for the calendar invite that you had accepted and seemed to know about.

[00:20:00]

Ari (as Quique)

Okay! I’m just gonna—

Ari

And he’s gonna run super quick and put on some “could a depressed person do this” clothes which is just his suit but he didn’t iron it so it’s still all wrinkled, but it’s better.

Hallie

And it never really fits anyway because he’s a skeleton, so of course it’s gonna do that, but it’s somehow doing that more today.

Ari

It’s true.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright?

Ari (as Quique)

Alright. I am ready.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, you look great.

Ari (as Quique)

Thank you.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, you look great and not at all tired. Okay! Let’s go to Die Hop. I’ve got a surprise for you there, and I hope you’ll like it.

Ari (as Quique)

Yay. I love surprises from Sparky. Ugh…

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Sasha and Gosha.

[Kalinka music begins.]

You’re in this lovely little breakfast place in the Hereafter—well, supposedly a breakfast place, but no matter what you order they always make crepes. It is like an IHOP mixed with a library. There are a bunch of little bookshelves all over the place. There’s a nice room with things that have old newspapers, so you can read old newspapers.

Hallie

Oh! Like the film reels? Or the magazine… the reels, yeah.

Brendan

Microfilm, right?

Hallie

Thank you! Microfilm, that’s what it is.

Kyle

All in all, this diner is dingy, dark and quiet with the exception of the occasional “oh-ho-ho!” But, that’s what makes it, for most people, a welcome reprieve from the endlessly bright and bustling streets of Necropolis. You are here on orders of the head tsar of Tsarvia, Tsar Nicky 2, as his Chief Cossack Detective, and then Gosha… because I don't think Gosha would accept employment from Nicky 2. I feel like he’s just here because Sasha’s here.

Brendan

He would, but he would waste their money as much as possible.

Roberto

And it’s Nicky 2, so I can explain it away no matter what.

Kyle

Perfect. You’re here with a giant pile of crepes. There is a fly just buzzing around them. You are here waiting to meet with a man named Big Jake Hell.

[Music ends.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

These people eat crepes? These are blini. What do they call them crepes for?

Hallie

Ha!

Brendan (as Gosha)

I don’t plan to eat them. I’ve never put anything French in my mouth, and I don’t plan to change that today.

Roberto

You see Sasha immediately grab a stack with his fork and just start downing it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, you can’t put food to spoil. If there’s one thing I remember, it’s The Hunger.

[Laughter.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

You know, you make a good point.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Remember, the French are not that great.

Brendan (as Gosha)

My attitude changed after I spent ten years in exile in Paris, but they were also nice enough to host me in exile in Paris.

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oh-ho-ho, I agree! You know, the French, they are very fickle. Oh-ho-ho, my homeland, I love it, but they also were the ones who cut off my head, you know. Oh-ho-ho, have more crepes.

Kyle

As this headless with a bowtie, the sous chef Philippe Égalité, grabs more crepes that he’s made and puts them on top of the stack.

Roberto

Sasha just grabs them all with a fork and just eats them in one gulp.

Roberto (as Sasha)

There is no hunger like that of a Tsarvian.

Kyle

Yeah, tell me a bit about these Tsarvians. Well, I don’t know if Philippe Égalité can see, because he doesn’t have a head. I just kind of assumed he had, like, ghost eyes. So, if Philippe Égalité had ghost eyes, what is he seeing?

[Bombastic music begins.]

Roberto

For Sasha, he is seeing a man with large curly poofy hair, a long beard. He’s wearing a red kaftan which is kind of like the traditional old Russian nobility thing.

Kyle

Yeah.

Roberto

Golden brocade in a floral pattern. He has a sash around his waist with three guns, a dagger and a saber.

Kyle

I’m so afraid. I’m so afraid for the NPCs this session.

[Laughter.]

One thing I’ll tell you out of character right here, most guns can’t kill the dead.

Roberto

That’s what saber fighting is for.

Kyle

God damn it.

Roberto

[Laughs.] Then he has these gray harem-like pants. They’re a bit poofy, but they keep him warm. His boots are black, but they’re kind of like cloth on the top and leather on the bottom.

Kyle

Okay.

Roberto

Then he has these nice, you know… his hair is black, nice piercing blue eyes, and he smells like he’s drunk alcohol for the last week which is probably true.

[Laughter.]

Which is probably why he’s eating all these carbs right now.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

You gotta balance it. If you eat as much as you drink, then you’re sober.

Roberto

Oh god.

Kyle

That’s how it works.

Brendan

And if you have a hangover, just keep drinking. It will stop hurting.

Roberto

Exactly.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That’s just science.

Kyle

Who’s next to this drunk-smelling man, not eating crepes?

Brendan

So, next to Sasha is his best friend Gosha.

[Spy music begins.]

He is a spectral black cat that resembles Felix the Cat. He is approximately the size of a large pig if it was standing on its hind legs.

[00:25:00]

Kyle

[Laughs.] I didn’t expect the word pig there.

Brendan

He is larger than a real cat.

Kyle

Okay, yeah.

Brendan

At the moment, this isn’t his normal outfit, but he is dressed in overalls and a white T-shirt, and he has a large wrench and a backwards baseball cap. This is his disguise.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Psst, I am Gusha, proficiently practiced paranormal plumber.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

[Whispering.] It’s me. It’s Gosha in disguise.

Brendan

He’s just winking.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I know who you are, Gosha.

Kyle

Taking in these two men and hearing about how Tsarvians are always hungry, Philippe Égalité goes:

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oh-ho-ho, Tsarvia you say? You are a long way from Tsarvia.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I do not know what you are talking about. I am clearly a native resident of this land.

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oui-oui. Your friend, however, what brings you from Tsarvia to the Hereafter? You, unlike your friend, look quite alive indeed. Oh-ho-ho!

Kyle

I have to do that because otherwise he just sounds like Rasputin. I’m so sorry to any French listeners. “Oh-ho-ho!” I will not stop.

Ari

God.

Roberto

Sasha just kinda looks at the headless ghost and says:

Roberto (as Sasha)

Tourism. Not occupation, tourism.

Kyle (as Égalité)

And you came… you came for Philippe Égalité’s crepes?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I’ve had four plates by now.

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oh-ho! Oh-ho! Oh-ho-ho!

Kyle

Water starts going out of the hole where the head would be. As he wipes it off:

Kyle (as Égalité)

Sorry, I got emotional. Oh-ho-ho! I will go make more crepes.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I think we’re done for the day.

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oh-ho-ho… okay.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You’ve done the one thing. You have stuffed a Tsarvian.

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oh-ho-ho!

Kyle

I was gonna say that’s what the French are good at, but that means nothing to me.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

It means nothing.

Kyle (as Égalité)

That is what the French are good at! I do not know what I meant by that! Oh-ho-ho!

Brendan (as Gosha)

Nice going, Sasha, you made a French man cry. If you push them and you holler they might start rioting.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Snorts.] Ha-ha!

Roberto

He literally just snorts in laughter.

Kyle

Sparky and Quique, you hear that but like three times as loud.

Ari

Oh god.

Hallie

Sparky, who was nodding off at the table, goes:

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Startled.] AH!

Ari

Quique is unphased, just slowly still drinking his calcium cider.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ugh, cripes on a stick. Alright, Quique, Jake’s running late, so I’m gonna just do this before I fall asleep again.

Ari (as Quique)

Did you have a bad night?

Hallie (as Sparky)

What?

Ari (as Quique)

Did you have a bad night?

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, um… seven, in a row, seven bad nights in a row.

[Laughter.]

It’s weird. You know how, like… look, those guys are drinking coffee, but when I asked for coffee they said they didn’t have any. I think I need a new coffee maker, but I’m really attached to my coffee maker.

Kyle

I like to believe that Sparky was looking at Sasha and Gosha and is so tired she thought the beer was coffee.

Hallie

I was gonna say, they don’t have coffee, but she was looking at Sasha and Gosha.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look, they’ve got lattes, and yet I can’t have… Anyway, that’s neither—

Ari (as Quique)

I can ask them where they got their coffee.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What? No. That’s neither here nor there.

Kyle

Meanwhile, Sasha and Gosha, at your table you smell the most intriguing alcohol.

[Silly accordion music begins.]

Roberto

You see Sasha just immediately hop on over.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I smelled something beautiful coming from this area. Is that… Is that cider over there?

Ari (as Quique)

Oh, this? Oh, that’s quite a compliment. Are you a connoisseur of alcohol, my dear sir?

Kyle

Oh no, Quique’s friendly. This is how you know he’s depressed.

Hallie

Oh no!

Roberto

[Laughs.] If Quique can smell… Sparky smells it, you just smell vodka immediately.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes, I am quite the connoisseur of the alcohols.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah. Sparky, I don't think those guys had coffee, I think they had alcohol.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh my god. Quique, did you sneak in your cider into Die Hop?

Ari

He’s just gonna slowly drink it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m so proud of you!

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

I can talk about this. This is a homemade cider that I made.

Ari

He’s just gonna start going in on the process of self-brewing.

Roberto

And Sasha’s just fully enraptured. Basically, talking about the how and make of alcohol:

Roberto (as Sasha)

Did you try this make, this technique as well, when you were making it?

Ari (as Quique)

Oh! Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah, I tried that, but actually it was a little bit sour when I did.

Ari

He’s going there.

Hallie

I’m sure Sparky’s heard this diatribe like four times today.

Ari

Oh yeah. This is probably not the first guy that Quique talks about his homemade brew cider with.

Kyle

Is she just kind of zoning out, vaguely looking and nodding her head while sticking a wrapped thing back into her bag?

Hallie

Yeah, sticking the wrapped thing, she just slowly slides it back in and just watches this happen.

[Music ends.]

[00:30:00]

Ari (as Quique)

Oh. Also, I’m sorry, I keep having really terrible manners recently. What is your name, sir? My name is Aurelio, but I guess I could also go by Quique. That’s a different name. I have two names. That’s kind of… you know, you can call me Aurelio.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh hello, Aurelio. My name is Aleksandr Mikhailovich, so I also have two names.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh! What a coincidence!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

God damn it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

But you can call me Sasha for short.

Ari (as Quique)

Yet another thing we have in common. Sparky, do you have two names?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, uh… what?

[laughter.]

Ari

Also, if it hasn’t been clear, Quique may or may not be… not super drunk but a little bit.

Kyle

I’m glad you two are besties. This is not what I expected.

Hallie

This is not at all what I expected, but I am loving it.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, Aurelio, excellent name. I have great friendship with the Portuguese people. I even speak a little.Como se va, je m'appele Gosha.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh no! Quique’s just gonna stare at this cat.

Ari (as Quique)

Estoy bien, gato.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Sorry, what? I didn’t understand you.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

That’s because it wasn’t Portuguese!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright. You didn’t have coffee, did you? Yours was also alcohol?

Brendan (as Gosha)

No, I had coffee. I just finished it, actually. [Slurps.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh god.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yeah, he had like three pots of coffee today.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, I’ve got the shakes at this point. Look at my paws.

Hallie (as Sparky)

God, I’d kill for the shakes.

Ari (as Quique)

Where did you fine gentlemen get this coffee? My friend Sparky here has been killing for some. Right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh… I would kill for coffee.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, I’ve done that a few times.

[Laughter.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

I’ve been there.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Things are different in Tsarvia. I’m sorry.

Hallie

[Amused.] Things are different in Tsarvia.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Did you order that here?

Roberto (as Sasha)

We did order the coffee here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You did order the coffee here? Well, what the hell, Jake?!

Hallie

She’s just looking around, because I know Jake Hell owns this establishment.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Oh, we’re waiting for a Jake too.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh! What a coincidence. Maybe it is the same Jake.

Kyle

As the group comments on Big Jake Hell, you, Sparky, notice a door in the back of the dining area.

[Sinister mystery music begins.]

This is just a door to an employee area, it’s one that you really hadn’t noticed previously, but now you notice it because it opens as Big Jake Hell walks in, looks around, doesn’t seem to register you but seems to be scanning the room, turns back, puts his hand on it, and a bit of flame ignites which locks the door.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

Then, he relaxes a bit, sees the four of you, and says:

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, well, well… looks like the four of you are getting along already. That is fantastic.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Jake.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yeah?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Where the hell is the coffee?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Where the hell…? Oh, Philippe, do we have any coffee, sir?

Kyle (as Égalité)

Oh-ho-ho, crepe? Coming right up! Oh-ho-ho!

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Stammers.] No…

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I’m sorry, he still gets confused there. No, I do not have any coffee on me at the moment.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ugh, fiddlesticks.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I apologize. It’s just, coffees and demons, we don’t mix awfully well together.

Hallie

What? That doesn’t make any sense.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I could probably put some coffee-making capability in your van. How is that doing, by the way?

Hallie (as Sparky)

The van?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

The van, yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

There is no scratches on that van. It is in tip-top shape.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, I’m glad to hear that. I figured you would take a shine to it after some of—

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, there has been—there have been no, uh… no scenarios where it almost got damaged, so you will be happy to know it has been driven normally in normal person scenarios.

Kyle

He gives a knowing smile.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, I’m glad the protective upgrades that I had my men put on have been useful. Anyways, you must be Sasha and Gosha.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Hello, comrade.

Brendan (as Gosha)

[Hushed.] Shh! Do you want to give away my disguise? What are you doing?

Roberto (as Sasha)

What, Gosha?

Brendan (as Gosha)

[Hushed.] Shh. What are you doing? Do you want to give away my disguise? I am under covers.

Hallie

As he says this, you said that Gosha was wearing a backwards baseball cap, right?

Brendan

Yeah.

Hallie

The fly has been trying this entire time, just been gently hitting the back of it, trying to kick it off your head, and that is when the fly finally gets the hat off the head. When he goes “I’m in disguise,” the hat falls off.

[Laughter.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh… whoops. Well, I guess the cat is out of the bag now.

[Laughter.]

Brendan

He puts on his fedora and he pulls a trench coat out of nowhere and puts it on.

Kyle

Big Jake Hell narrows his eyes at you specifically, Gosha.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well then, I suppose we are all here. Again, please pardon my absence, but if you all would take a seat at this booth…

[00:35:00]

Kyle

He flicks his fingers, and with flames… you can see the bottom of each chair is like, their wooden chairs, but the bottom is flame-proof. Basically, the flames pull up a chair for Big Jake Hell to sit down outside of the booth and he motions for the rest of you to sit down.

[Silly ghosty music begins.]

Roberto

Sasha will sit on the top side of the booth because he has to be different and take up the attention.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay…

Brendan

Gosha jumps up on the table and he starts slowly pushing a glass of water off of the table.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Sirs, if you wouldn’t mind, I admit I have  not been to Tsarvia in some time so I’m not familiar with your customs, but here in Die Hop we place food on the table and it is very unsanitary, you see, to have things that are not food on the table.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, okay, no problem.

Brendan

He’s sitting, he raises up his hind legs, and he pulls forward with his forelegs wiping his ass on the table.

Ari

Oh no!

Roberto

[Laughs.] Oh god.

Brendan

Then he sits normally on the chair.

Roberto

Sasha’s just still sitting on the top side of the chair. He’s just like, ‘well, he said to get off the table, I’m on the chair.’

Brendan (as Gosha)

Sasha, it is very rude what you are doing.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ugh.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Thank you for your generosity. Anyways.

Kyle

He takes a little handkerchief out of his overall pocket, because he just wears big overalls and no shirt.

Hallie

I forgot about that.

Kyle

He takes it out of his overalls pocket and just starts wiping down the table.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

You all are here because, well… I don't know, has your, if I remember correctly you’re all tsars there, but has your head tsar brief you in on the situation?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I have been briefed on situation, yes.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yes, but I wasn’t paying attention.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Alright. Would you like to handle the briefing?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes, I can handle briefing.

[Bombastic, patriotic Russian music begins.]

Roberto

And Sasha just stands up, leg up on one chair, and out of nowhere a shot glass just pops out, and it’s full.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes, time for the briefing.

Roberto

He takes a shot. It’s magically full again.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay. What we were told to do is we have to go stop some burglars, some…

Roberto

He looks at Gosha and then everyone else.

Roberto (as Sasha)

…some C-A-T burglars.

[Laughter.]

And stop them from stealing priceless items from museum.

[Music ends.]

And then we blacked out with Tsar Nicky afterwards, so I can’t remember the rest.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, that was an excellent start, but I’ll start at the beginning just to make sure we all are on the same page.

[Hotel music plays.]

I help serve as one of the curators for the Titenic Luxury Museum and Aquarium. I have just a little exhibit that I helped pay for, for smaller artists. Regardless, through some means…

Kyle

And he glares a little bit at Sasha and Gosha.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…Tsar Nicky 2 saw fit to put his collection in my little area for an exhibit. You know, it’s got all that, uh… forgive my rudeness, but all that tacky gaudy orthodox iconography.

Brendan

[Chuckles.] Jesus.

Roberto

Sasha looks offended.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Again, no offense, it’s just antithesis to everything I believe.

Hallie

Ha!

Brendan (as Gosha)

It does have the famous Fabergé balls of yarn, I mean eggs.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yes… but the main centerpiece he’s introducing is this big fearsome ape-like version of himself. He’s calling it his Non-Fungible Tsarvian.

Brendan

[Laughs.] Fucking Christ.

Kyle

Because NFTs are dead! So they can go in the world of Hereafter now.

Hallie

[Smiling.] Christ.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I will admit, it does make, comparatively, everything next to it look quite nice. In either case, we received a letter last night.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

He flicks his fingers and a flame appears, and in it is a little card. You know the wolf T-shirts with the wolves howling at the moon?

[Heist music begins.]

Players

Yeah.

Kyle

On one side it’s that but they’re all wearing tuxes.

Roberto

Oh my gosh.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

This letter comes from a group called the Packback Bandits. They’re a pretty notorious group of phantom thieves who only appear on the full moon. They’ve given us until the end of the full moon to protect Nicky 2’s non… I’m just gonna call it NFT. They’ve given us until the end of the full moon to protect his NFT, otherwise they will, uh… “funga” it. I’m not quite sure what they mean by that.

[00:40:00]

When I saw that Tsar Nicky 2 was bringing his best detectives on the case, I thought it might be a good idea to bring along some folks I was familiar with who had done proper deducing in the past.

Kyle

He looks at Sparky.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Excellent work on that trial, by the way. I didn’t know you were a lawyer.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Neither did I.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay, I have one question. This NFT you speak of, is this the one he submitted that was made of macaroni?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

… Yes. That is in fact the very same.

Roberto

Sasha just looks, like… the look on his face is the “oh my god, I told him to throw that away.”

Kyle

By the way, out of character, that is one of three questions you get to ask Big Jake Hell.

[Laughter.]

Roberto

I didn’t know that! I’m so sorry!

Brendan (as Gosha)

I’m a bit confused. You say this token has not been funged yet, but I distinctly remember a couple months after it came out taking a screenshot of it.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I’m not sure if that’s a question or not.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Jake, don’t answer that, please.

Brendan (as Gosha)

It wasn’t a question, just an observation.

Kyle

Alright. What other questions do you got?

Roberto

I look over at Quique and Sparky.

Roberto (as Sasha)

How do you all make your investigations here? I am curious to learn.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well you know, it kind of reminds me of Book 8 of the Les Detectstuff series called… ‘Eight: Eight Things,’ where he had to find eight things on the boat, so we could start there. That was in Chapter 3.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

[Smiling.] It was. How did you know that, Sparky? Yeah, it’s true. It was like that. Also, it’s very similar to the spinoff books that I’ve been reading of Les’s Tsarvian counterpart, Brother Karmov.

[Laughter.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I love Brother Karmov! My father wrote that book.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh! Yeah. It had a different author, but it had the same feel, you know? So they sort of considered it kind of a spinoff of Les. Oh, I didn’t realize I was surrounded by such literary experts and detectives. Sparky, you’re surprisingly… you also expanded your horizons.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, I’m really good at surprises, apparently.

Hallie

She says, eyeing Sasha and Gosha, like “oh, this is working.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

But yeah, we’re going to the Titenic. You like that because Les Detectstuff was on it. It’s fascinating for you, right? So we’re gonna do a little…

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! Yeah. Did you know? That’s the place. That’s the place.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Right?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Tell me we’re not going in a submarine.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I can suck it up if it takes less time. I don’t have my handy-dandy steed, Zhukov, with me.

Roberto

What is Zhukov doing?

Kyle

Who is Zhukov? Tell me who Zhukov is.

Roberto

Zhukov is my horse.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Ari

He’s just galloping through a flower prairie, or he’s just having his own adventures with a gunfight or something. I don't know.

Kyle

He’s having a gunfight in a mountain.

Roberto

That tracks.

[Climactic cinematic music begins.]

Hallie

There’s really dramatic dialogue, but it’s all in neighs.

Kyle

[Neighs.]

Hallie

[neighs.]

Kyle

“Yes, again my child.” [Neighs.]

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

So, cool. Robert, just hold onto that. if at any point you want that to become relevant, you may, at no cost to you.

Roberto

Yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are we going in a submarine?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, please tell me we are not.

Hallie

To Jake Hell, which does count as the second question.

Brendan (as Gosha)

No, I said please—it was a request. Please tell me we’re not going in the submarine.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well yes, but I believe the lady over there then phrased it like a question. Or, am I incorrect, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

You’re incorrect, Jake. Our question was something much better than that. It was, um… is there coffee on the Titenic?

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky!

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I’m not… I suppose you have good results, although I’m not sure what that has to do with anything.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It could have everything to do with it.

Ari (as Quique)

I would like to not make this the actual question, Sparky, because I can tell you that, based on the last book in the Les Detectstuff series, Les’s Last Case, he was able to stop some lady’s poisoning via coffee, therefore this means that there was coffee on the Titenic, meaning that there should be still coffee on there unless they changed their—

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s some darn good deduction, Quique. See, we’re already… We’re gonna do this. We’re gonna stop the backpack people, and uh… What do you know about them?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, the Packback Bandits…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, the Backpack Bandits.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

As I said, they’re notorious, they tend to steal from high-profile targets, which is why it’s curious that they’re stealing from my very low-key independent artist exhibit.

[00:45:00]

Kyle

He glares again at the Tsarvians.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

But, in either case, all I know is they attack on the full moon, they leave before the moon goes away, and they have not been caught.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hmm. So, if they’ve never been caught, how do we know that all their previous thefts were the backpack people? Do they leave a calling card or something?

[Heist music begins.]

Roberto

Sasha stabs a calling card that Big Jake Hell put on the floor and brings it up with his saber.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes, they brought a calling card, as we see right here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh look, he answered your question for you. Yeah, you’re good. You’re good, man.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, I’ve seen this in a Robert Patovich movie. This is addressed to the Batman.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Greetings from Tartarus. It is I, actual real Rasputin, here to thank the hosts of Tsar Power for guesting on main episode of Quest Friends! Hereafter. We are delighted that first guest spot goes to such wonderful men who make fun history podcast ranking Russian rulers from Rurik to Putin.

Kyle

Brendan and Roberto are fantastic guests and fantastic hosts, and they have a fun educational podcast all about Russian history—actual Russian history and not just, you know, the vague stuff I know because I saw the movie Anastasia once. They’re actually on a hiatus from now until June, which means that gives you just enough time to catch up on all 18 episodes of Tsar Power so far, so check it out in the description below or just go to tsarpowerpod.weebly.com.

Down there in the description you’re also gonna find the CRIT Awards which is a pretty cool group of awards related to everything roleplaying with a focus on uplifting independent community creators like… like us. So you know, if you want to check out the CRIT Awards and nominate us for an award or two…

[Game show music begins.]

Possible award categories include Best Actual Play Series, Best Podcast, Best Podcast Host, Best Game Master (indie), Best Player (indie), Best NPC, Best Villain, and Best Audio and Sound Design.

So anyways, I guess the call to action this announcement break is to either, one, check out Tsar Power, or two, go nominate us and some other tabletop roleplaying game creators that you enjoy in the CRIT Awards. Or, you know, you could do both, or do one this week and do one next episode.

[Music ends.]

The next episode will be coming out… when it comes out! I’ve given up on just telling you deadlines. I’m gonna aim for two Mondays from now, but it will come out when it comes out. If you’d like additional podcasts, short stories, or fun bonus content, you can check It out at Patron.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Heist music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

The lights of Necropolis normally shine on the Hereafter surrounding them, but one night every month the light shines back on the city. This is the full moon, a shadow of the Here’s moon, shining with the light from billions of dead stars. That light is really focused on the center of Necropolis, in Shape Square.

[Bossa nova music begins.]

Shape Square is the museum cultural center of the city, and one of the biggest museums is actually a combined museum, the Titenic Luxury Museum and Aquarium. On one side there is this giant glass diamond but it is submerged so far into the earth that it kind of just looks like a pyramid. You really have to look at certain angles to tell that it’s a diamond.

[00:50:00]

Poetically, the RMS Titenic is brushed up against it at a slant on the side, like the actual ship when it hit the iceberg.

Ari

[Smiling.] Oh…

Roberto

Ooh.

Kyle

The big fatal flaw of the Titenic, right, the thing that killed it was hubris. Unfortunately, death doesn’t mean much in the world of Hereafter, so they never really unlearned that hubris.

[Laughter.]

In this case, though, the Titenic is not unsinkable, because it’s on land, but it is impregnable. It is the world’s most secure museum. So, I want everyone to go around and describe one way in which the Titenic is the world’s most secure museum. I’m gonna start.

[Detective music begins.]

The famous detective, Les Detectstuff, who died on the Titenic and wrote lots of books about it, had a theory that confined spaces cause crime. Because of that, the Titenic is very open-plan.

Ari

Oh my god, yes.

Kyle

There are windows in every room, and at least one of them always is just a hole. If it’s not a confined space, then crime won’t happen. How else is this museum and aquarium impregnable?

Roberto

All the glass windows are made of that really strong glass that you can’t smash through.

Ari

Nice.

Kyle

Okay, “glass is unsmashable.”

Ari

There’s like police whale Necromon.

Hallie

No~

Ari

They’re just swimming around, so they immediately set the alarm whenever somebody is doing something sketch. [Whale sound.]

Hallie

No~!

Kyle

I like to believe it’s just Rons in whale suits.

Roberto

[Laughs.] Yes!

Hallie

Ha! It’s covert. They’re undercover.

Kyle

Yeah, they’re undercover, exactly. Ignore the sneakers poking out from underneath the thing that they just paddle with because they don’t have the budget for flippers. Actually, no, they do have the budget for flippers. They have ghostly flippers, but it still doesn’t cover the sneakers. They’re sneaky, you see.

Ari

Yeah, they’re sneaky sneakers.

Kyle

Heh.

Brendan

There’s an array of green lasers, just a web of them across the room if you look at it horizontally. If you touch one of those lasers, you set off the alarm, and some of them move but in a very predictable pattern.

Kyle

Move in very predictable pattern… You see, trying to make it unpredictable is the most predictable thing of all.

Hallie

That’s true.

Kyle

Alright, so it’s open-plan, glass is unsmashable, you’ve got Ron whales that set off the alarm, and then an array of green lasers that move in a predictable fashion. What’s the last way it’s impregnable?

Hallie

There is a childproof lock on everything of value, just a regular childproof lock.

[Music ends.]

Roberto

Oh, Gosha is screwed.

Ari

Oh no!

[Laughter.]

Brendan

Yeah, I don’t have opposable thumbs.

Kyle

So yeah, you all walk into the museum and Big Jake Hell says:

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, this is the museum. You are free to go where you please to set up. As long as you do not break many things you should be fine.

Brendan (as Gosha)

What’s that?

Brendan

Gosha is already getting a Sharpie. He’s drawing a mustache and glasses on a priceless portrait.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha, come on.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Please do not draw on the portraits.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Well, too late for that, buddy.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, so there’s a grace period. There’s like a grace amount of things we can break.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Sparky Malarky, please do not make me regret this.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, I’m just saying, people do better when they feel like they can make mistakes.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Is there anything in here that, you know, perhaps a table leg I can scratch which is not priceless? Perhaps some curtains I can climb up.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

You can go scratch the coffee table over there.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Coffee table?!

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Which is not by a coffee station, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ugh, cripes! Alright, fine.

Brendan

Gosha straightens up, salutes, and then scampers off to scratch the coffee table.

Hallie

The fly follows him and gets in his way every time he’s about to do a little scratchy-scratch.

Kyle

As they run off, Big Jake Hell’s gonna look at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Sparky, could I actually talk to you about something privately for a second?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, I guess. What? What’s up?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Sparky, we… I admit we did not get off on the best of terms.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh-huh. It’s because you took my van from me, but then you made it really cool, so… thanks I guess.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well… why thank you.

[Sentimental guitar music plays.]

Anyways. I saw the work you did during that trial, and I was very impressed, not only with the strength of your arguments but with the strength of your character. Now, I don’t know what if anything Nicky 2 is up to…

Kyle

And he kinda looks at Sasha and Gosha who are just off in the distance.

[00:55:00]

Hallie

Gosha’s in the background scratching things that are important and then Sasha’s probably knocking him back.

Roberto

Yes.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…but something about this whole thing has me uneasy. So, I just want you to keep in mind what you believe the right thing to do is. I don't know. I’m not leading you one way or the other. Okay? I just… I needed someone on this who I thought had the strength of character to make an informed decision.

Hallie

Sparky has opened her mouth to reply like three or four times and then just kind of stopped. She’s not being interrupted by Jake, she’s just trying to find words and they’re not coming out. She’ll tug a little bit at her jacket collar.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh… okay. Yeah, I’m a really trustworthy person who can make, um, good decisions, like all the time. Yeah, okay… okay. … Okay.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Alright. Well, it was a pleasure to see you again. A pleasure to meet you for the first time, sir.

Kyle

And he looks over at you, Quique.

Ari

Quique will just tell… He has by this point put on his detective hat, and he’s just gonna tilt it.

Ari (as Quique)

The pleasure is mine, sir.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

You know, I’m gonna just take that as a sign of enthusiasm.

Kyle

[Laughs.] And he walks away.

[Silly music begins.]

Meanwhile, someone is trying to shoo you off the table, Gosha.

Hallie

Just a rando?

Kyle (as employee)

Please… please, sir, please don’t scratch the coffee table. It’s still very valuable even though it is not an official exhibit.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Listen, man, this is my emotional support coffee table.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as employee)

But… I believe this is—but isn’t this the first time you’ve been in here?

Brendan (as Gosha)

It was designated as my official emotional support coffee table.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah. Actually, we just spoke to Big Jake Hell and he cleared the whole thing. He told Gosha… Gosha, he told Mr. Gosha over here that he could scratch that coffee table, and nothing else! So, if he gets the emotional support coffee table, he gets nothing else! Do you hear me, Gosha?

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, see? We’ve got it under control. It’s fine, it’s fine, we’ve got it under control.

[Under her breath.] yeah, I’m good at making decisions.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as employee)

I’m sorry, who is Big Jake Hell?

Hallie (as Sparky)

The owner of the museum…?

Kyle (as employee)

The owner of the…?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Doesn’t he do the art museum? He came and he dropped us off. Maybe I wasn’t listening. Does he own this, Quique?

Ari (as Quique)

I heard the same thing, actually.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah. He owns it, right? That’s not just me being…

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, that’s what he told us. I guess he didn’t give us solid evidence, but…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Right…? Right?

Kyle (as employee)

Forgive the confusion there, Chibi. Big Jake Hell is one of our smaller curators, probably not on your radar, but if you check the register you will be sure to see that he and these find folks are on there.

[Upbeat jazzy music begins.]

Kyle

A man with a magenta bob haircut, thin face, radiant smile and very ornate clothing walks up and says that to the person there, named Chibi, and they just nod.

Kyle (as Chibi)

Oh, my apologies, director.

Kyle (as director)

It’s not a problem at all, Chibi. I can take it from here and welcome our new guests.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And you are?

Kyle (as director)

Oh, yes, my apologies for… I suppose most of you haven’t been in this museum anymore. I definitely have a name, and it’s definitely not one that I am coming up with off of a list, a mental list, right now.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as director)

I am Director Obadiah Fields.

Ari

[Grinning.] Obadiah.

Hallie

Christ.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

I am Obadiah Fields, the director of the Titenic Museum, the Titenic Luxury… I am the owner of the Titenic Luxury Museum and Aquarium. If I understand, you fine folks are going to be helping us stop those fearsome Packback Bandits today.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, the Backpack Bandits, we’re going to stop them in their tracks.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

The Packback Bandits.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, that’s what I said.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Yes, it is with, uh… it is the—

[Silly music begins.]

He presses into a little earpiece. You can’t see the earpiece, but he’s doing the pressing into his ear thing.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Yes, it is the Packback Bandits, I believe.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, and next you’ll tell me that rutabaga is plural. It’s not. It’s the Backpack Bandits.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Well, they insist it’s the Packback Bandits. Now, what do you mean that rutabaga has an S depending on the context in which it’s spoken?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Wait. What’s a rutabaga?

Ari (as Quique)

It’s a thing Sparky likes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Not likes, had to deal with. It’s like a root vegetable.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, so it’s like a potato.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like a potato.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Okay, I get it now.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Or like a turnip, you know, like a purple turnip. I’m pretty sure that’s what they are.

[01:00:00]

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Yeah, it’s a purple turnip. No, not “like” a purple, it “is” a purple turnip.

Kyle

He’s saying, into his earpiece.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

… Well, they seem trustworthy to me.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

I am here on diplomatic business, my good sir.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I actually have diplomatic immunity, so…

Roberto (as Sasha)

No you do not.

Brendan (as Gosha)

…whatever table legs I want to scratch, you can’t do anything about it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You get one. You got your emotional support coffee table. You got one.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Okay, but no one ever said I only got one curtain to climb.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Grumbles.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha, no climbing on curtains, please.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You get one curtain and it’s that one.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Okay. Because we are such good friends, I will only climb one halfway.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

No climbing at all, Gosha! Please.

Kyle

Director Obadiah Fields is still talking in his earpiece and eventually starts quabbling.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

In either case, Chibi, if you would.

Kyle

And he motions to the person working there.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

If you would just move this man’s emotional support table and emotional support—it is also an emotional support drape, right?

Brendan (as Gosha)

No worries, I’ll just take it with me.

Brendan

And he just breaks the leg off of the table.

Hallie (as Sparky)

He can take that one.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah, so you are all taken to the exhibit. Again, it is in a very open-plan room. The moonlight is illuminating on the exhibit from, like… we’ll say this exhibit is actually pretty conveniently placed. It’s right underneath one of the giant cracks in the Titenic when it snapped in two.

Hallie

Nice!

Kyle

It’s been covered by glass, but the moonlight is shining down. It’s very open-plan, although Nicky 2 put so many things into it, it might as well be a series of cramped hallways.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

In the center of them is a giant macaroni drawing of Nicky 2 as an ape.

Hallie

Yes.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ah, I remember getting him macaroni for that.

Kyle

Director Obadiah Fields look at it and says:

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Such a fascinating piece. It has such… value, you know?

Roberto (as Sasha)

You don’t have to lie about it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Wait. Is it not…?

Kyle

He goes back to the earpiece immediately.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

They’re implying that it’s not valuable? … Oh, I understand, so it is very financially valuable, it’s just shit art.

[Laughter.]

It’s very financially valuable, it’s just shit art, is what I’ve been told.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes. Yes, it is. I was there—

Hallie (as Sparky)

We can agree with that.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Okay. I was talking about the monetary value because, you know, as a scumbag dirty capitalist, that is what my priority is.

Hallie (as Sparky)

At least you’re honest about it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

So, if you’re a scumbag dirty capitalist, I have here a manuscript that I want to get published.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I thought you lost that thing. Where was it this whole time?

Roberto (as Sasha)

It was in my sash.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Is this part of the mission?

Roberto (as Sasha)

No.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

What is it?

Roberto (as Sasha)

It is my manuscript, of poetry.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Of poetry? Is it poetry you wrote?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Tell me about your poetry! How have you not mentioned that earlier?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well yes, I am one of the most famous poets in Tsarvia, you know.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

One of the most… Did you hear—?

Kyle

He goes in the earpiece.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Did you hear that? He’s one of the most famous poets in all of Tsarvia. Well, I know because he told me!

Roberto

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Obadiah)

That’s really quite impressive, I must say. What was your name again?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Aleksandr Mikhailovich Dostoevsky.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Oh, I have not heard that name before. So famous you are unfamous.

Kyle

He’s gonna take it, by the way, and pocket it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

What? No. Give it back!

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Oh, but I must read it.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I’ll send you a copy.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Send me a coffee?

Hallie (as Sparky)

There’s coffee?

Kyle (as Obadiah)

They said there was coffee, so there must be coffee. Oh, we had to shut that one down.

Hallie

Sparky’s already halfway across the room. She hears this from the other end of this open abyss and she’s like “AGH!”

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Apparently we had to shut it down.

Hallie (as Sparky)

AGH! Ugh.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

My apologies. It was a vital part of the mission, you understand.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Fine! I’ll just start investigating!

Hallie

She was holding a pen or something and she threw it down.

Brendan

The pen bounces off the floor and imbeds itself in a painting.

Ari

Oh no!

[Laughter.]

Roberto

Sasha then looks over to Quique.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Why does he keep talking to himself?

Ari

Quique… he’s actually a little distracted because he’s looking through the exhibits of the museum since this is a museum made by Les, his favorite author.

Kyle

Alright, so Gosha’s being a menace, Sasha’s talking with Obadiah who very quickly says:

Kyle (as Obadiah)

Oh, my apologies, it looks like I have to go. However, do have a grand time at the exhibit, and let me know…

Kyle

He hands you a business card.

Kyle (as Obadiah)

…if you do have any issues at all.

Kyle

He leaves, Quique’s looking at exhibits, and Sparky, you are investigating. Right?

Hallie

Mm-hmm!

[Investigation music begins.]

Kyle

I want you to roll the move Investigate. This is not a murder mystery, but this is still a mystery. I want you to essentially roll me Books and, based on your roll, you’re gonna get some information about either the who, the how, or the why.

Hallie

Okay. Gonna roll Books~

[Rolls.] Bah! Eleven!

[01:05:00]

Kyle

Eleven! So you get to ask—

Hallie

Well, -2, so 9.

Kyle

A mixed success.

Hallie

Damn it!

Kyle

You can ask me a question about the who, the how, or the why.

Hallie

The how.

Kyle

The how.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

So Sparky, as you investigate you start hearing this weird high-pitched beeping. It’s something that I suppose a ghost cat wouldn’t notice, and Quique and Sasha are too drunk to notice.

[Laughter.]

As you look around, you notice something peculiar about the business card that Sasha has.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

What… What is it?

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Kyle

You notice a bug, a literal bug. A fly is on the back of it.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

But, as the fly goes off, you notice that underneath it, on the card, was a technical bug as well.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

I think it’s important that the coffee is never chosen.

Hallie

Not even once.

Kyle

Because, reminder, the one time it was chosen you and Tom ignored it, so it didn’t actually become relevant.

Hallie

I know! And that was so good because it was a complication for Hilda. It wasn’t even for Sparky. It was Sparky’s coffee maker is broken, Hilda, that’s your problem.

--

Kyle

Ariel was going to tour Skulliard, the school they were going to, but secretly they were meeting with Quique’s daughter Xochi.

Oh yeah, I forgot that Roberto didn’t know that fact.

Hallie

Oops.

Brendan

See, when you said Xochi, I thought of the city in Russia.

Ari

Oh! Yeah, it is with an X, not with a…

Brendan

It would make more sense for it to be spelled that way and not like the Russian city.

--

Hallie

I like to think that this cat just appeared out of nowhere.

Roberto

[Laughs.] Yes.

Hallie

From off-screen, he was like “oh, hello,” and then the camera pans over.

Brendan (as Gosha)

No, down here. Down here, yes.”

Kyle

Pans over and then just looks down.

Brendan (as Gosha)

No-no, a little lower, a little lower. There you are.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh… Oh my god.

Ari

The camera’s just, like, moving…

Brendan

Yeah, the camera bumps into him.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Agh! Too close. Too close.

--

Kyle

Normally, the lights of Roulettia are so bright they shine on the Hereafter around them. Not Roulettia, fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Ari

Yeah. I was like, did you mean to say Roulettia? Like, are we…?

Hallie

I was like, no, not again. Don’t send me back there. Don’t send me back!