34. Fright at the Museum (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Let’s go to Die Hop. I’ve got a surprise for you there, and I hope you’ll like it.

Kyle

Sasha and Gosha, you’re here with a giant pile of crepes. There is a fly just buzzing around them. You are here waiting to meet with a man named Big Jake Hell.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Those guys are drinking coffee, but when I asked for coffee they said they didn’t have any.

Roberto

What is Zhukov doing?

Kyle

He’s having a gunfight in a mountain.

Roberto

That tracks.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

This letter comes from a group called the Packback Bandits, phantom thieves who only appear on the full moon. They’ve given us until the end of the full moon to protect Nicky 2’s… I’m just gonna call it NFT, otherwise they will, uh, “funga” it.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

So, it is the full moon, which means that they could theoretically strike at any moment, the Packback Bandits. You know that they have bugged you, and yeah, that’s pretty much all you know. How would you like to prepare for these bandits?

Hallie

Whatever we do, I want to say a fake plan into the bug. Like, “okay team, time to make our plan. Perhaps one of us should stand at this location,” and then we don’t stand at that location. So, we feed a fake plan to the bug and then we covertly move the bug somewhere else.

Brendan

As I am cat, as you know, I can see and dark. I also like to be in very high places. I like to get the lay of the land. So, I propose that I station myself at the very, very… probably the highest place in the entire room. I stay there and I can scout for anything that look suspicious.

Kyle

From up there you see the whole room. You see that Tsar Nicky 2’s exhibit really is a small part of this open plan. There are a bunch of other things around as well. For example, let’s not forget that this exhibit is surrounded by a giant moat filled with Rons in whale suits.

Roberto

Sasha’s gonna contemplate, looking at his vodka bottle and a towel, and then put them away. “No, not here.”

Kyle

[Laughs.] Not here, not now.

Roberto

No. I feel like he, for nerves, would just sit in front of the NFT and just start sharpening his saber. Shink, shink, shink!

Kyle

[Laughs.] Quique, what are you doing?

Ari

Taking notes of anything out of place.

Kyle

Okay, but it’s really just an excuse to look at more museum exhibits.

Ari

Yeah, exactly.

Kyle

Okay, perfect. Sparky, you’ve got sharpening a saber, Quique looking at museum exhibits, Gosha in the rafters… what are you saying into the bug?

Hallie

I’d like to say there’s a wet floor in front of… but, you know, there’s no wet floor sign to warn people. “Oh man…”

Kyle

Oh man, we’ve secretly put a wet floor here. They won’t suspect that.

Hallie

Yeah, we’ve secretly put water there, they’ll never know that. She’s really tired today, okay?

Kyle

Okay. Roll me Slick for Convince Somebody.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Ten.

Kyle

Ten!

Hallie

Ten! That’s a full success.

Kyle

That’s a full success, yeah. You successfully convince them.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Spy jazz music begins.]

We’re just gonna take a look into a bandit’s room—not a bandit’s room, but like in a scheming room. There’s a big diagram in the center, and a fist slams on the table.

Kyle (as bandit)

God damn it, they made the floors wet. We didn’t plan for this. Poppy, find us a workaround.

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Okay! You are all in position. I want Gosha to roll me Sneak, but it’s not actually Sneak. I am having a character sneak against you and I want you to roll to see if you see them.

Brendan

[Rolls.] Okay. That’s a 6, minus 1, so that’s a 5.

Kyle

I am not going to give everyone an AP for a GM Intrusion because Brendan rolled a failure. So, the rest of you are all in position, right? You’re waiting?

Hallie

Yeah.

Roberto

Yep, I’m literally saber on my lap, sitting by the NFT, just keeping a watch.

Kyle

We saw the Ron whales, we know the glass is unsmashable, open plan… I just realized I didn’t describe the lasers being on, did I?

Roberto

No.

Brendan

No.

Kyle

Oh shit, that’s because they weren’t on.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

But suddenly, blue light shoots out and hits all three of you that are on the ground…

[00:05:00]

Hallie

Agh!

[Alarms start blaring.]

Kyle

…and an alarm starts going off. The Ron whales start emerging from the water.

[Awkward, bombastic music plays.]

Kyle (as Rons)

It’s go-time, boys! It’s go-time! Let’s go get them, let’s go get them!

Kyle

And they are going to start swarming where you are.

[Alarms gradually fade.]

Roberto

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Oh, do they think we’re the thieves? Is that what’s happening? Because otherwise we can just be like, no, go do your jobs, whatever.

Roberto

They are doing their jobs.

Brendan

You tripped the alarm.

Kyle (as Ron X)

You tripped the alarm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if you were working here.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

Yeah, that’s right, Ron. I know we had some people investigating here, but Obadiah, the director, the director Obadiah told me that those people aren’t working anymore.

Kyle (as Ron X)

Ah, so these are gonna be the Packback Bandits.

Hallie

Oh god! No!

Kyle (as Ron Y)

Yeah, these are gonna be the Packback Bandits!

Kyle (as Rons)

[Assorted grumbling and stammering.]

Ari (as Quique)

You know, this is truly just a misunderstanding. The people that got laid off are not admitted. They are other people. We are the people that are investigating the case.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

A misunderstanding, huh? That would make sense, but on the other hand… that’s just what the bandits would say!

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, that is not incorrect, but…

Ari

I don't know, do we have something?

Roberto

He gave us the passes.

Ari

Right. Quique will show the pass.

Kyle

Alright. Roll me Convince Somebody with Books and advantage.

[Music ends.]

Ari

[Rolls.] Nine… +1, 10.

Kyle

Ten, full success.

Kyle (as Ron X)

Well, uh… hey Ron.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

Yeah, Ron?

Kyle (as Ron X)

I mean, they got the pass, don’t they?

Kyle (as Ron Y)

Well yeah, but like…

Kyle (as Ron X)

Couldn’t a bandit thieve the pass?

Kyle (as Ron Y)

A bandit steal a pass? At the Titenic? Look, this place is impregnable.

Kyle (as Ron X)

Impreg— I don't know what that word means.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

It means impossible to get into, Ron.

Kyle (as Ron X)

Ah, I forgot. You’re such a wordsmith, Ron.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

[Chuckling.] Yeah, Ron.

Kyle

And they do a flappy wet flipper hug.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, see? We are saying the truth here. Here is the proof that we are  not the bandits.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

Proof? Alright, perfect, yeah. Proof, just like our whale suits are proof that we’re not the bandits.

Kyle (as Ron X)

Yeah. I would have said our ID is the proof.

Kyle (as Ron Y)

But like… I can’t fit the ID in this, Ron.

Roberto (as Sasha)

So you are the bandits is what I’m hearing. You should turn yourselves in right now if you don’t have an ID on you. We have the passes, you do not.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, there actually was one of the Les adventures that is actually in one of the exhibits here that talked about a stolen suit by a pretend guard that went and stole an exhibit.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yep.

Kyle

Another whale walks up. This one has its head covered. It just crosses its arms, stares at the Rons and taps its foot. The Rons are like:

Kyle (as Ron Y)

[Somber.] Are we the Packback Bandits…?

Kyle (as Ron X)

We better turn ourselves in!

Kyle (as Ron Y)

Yeah, let’s go. Let’s go! I’m gonna go first, Ron!

Kyle

And they start tripping. They knock their heads and they trip as they run off, and the other whale, which just stands there, just nods its head and then turns over to you and lifts up a flipper. They don’t have hands, but you can just assume it’s giving you a thumbs up.

Hallie

We can’t see the face behind this particular whale?

Roberto

Because I think it is a whale.

Hallie

Oh, it is an actual…? Oh…

Roberto (as Sasha)

Are you also a Ron in a suit?

Kyle

The whale does the thumbs up again.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Okay. Do you have your ID?

Kyle

The whale shakes its head no and then puts its hands down where pockets would be and tries pulling out pockets but there aren’t any there.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, you gotta follow them then, buddy.

Kyle

The whale shakes its head no.

Roberto

I just go back to protecting the portrait, the NFT.

Ari

Quique will lean to Sparky.

Ari (as Quique)

I never thought the guards were actually the culprits. I just thought it would be kind of funny to get them all riled up and out of here.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, it was hilarious. I agree.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, yeah. But, I don't know about this guy over here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hey buddy, you’re not as funny as your friends. Take off your whale suit… unless you are a whale.

Ari (as Quique)

I’ll keep an eye on him just in case. I know that whales are not to be trusted.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s Les Detectstuff Book #11.

Ari (as Quique)

Correct! Yes. Wow, you’re…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah!

Ari (as Quique)

I didn’t realize that you are also a Les aficionado, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, that’s new. That’s new. Oh! Actually…

Hallie

She finally reaches into her satchel bag and pulls out the same wrapped thing that she had in her hands briefly for just a moment earlier at Die Hop.

[Sentimental music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s a little late for you to take notes in this now, but you know… you’ll have more notes, probably, someday.

Hallie

It’s like… it’s a package. She realizes that she just maybe spoiled the surprise by saying “notes.” It is clear that she ran out of wrapping paper and so had to get a second thing of wrapping paper. It is just the worst wrap job you’ve ever seen.

[00:10:00]

It is two different types of wrapping paper. They do not match. One is like Valentine’s Day—no, that’s weird, not Valentine’s Day.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

I was just thinking of nondenominational holidays that would be really fun to put.

Ari

There’s a Labor Day, like—

Hallie

It’s a Labor Day one! It’s like a Labor Day and then like an Arbor Day. It’s those two things.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Stammers.] Anyway. In case you don’t want to talk to anyone, because sometimes you don’t, but I hear that writing to yourself… I mean, technically you’re also a person, but you can write to yourself if you have notes, things you want to talk about, scripts you want to write for Claymation videos…

Hallie

She’s just rambling now as she has given the gift to Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

A little odd to be given this in the middle of a case.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I know, but I just kept forgetting.

Ari (as Quique)

Thank you, Sparky. I appreciate this. You really put a lot of thought into it, it seems. It does mean a lot.

Ari

He’ll do a weird… not hug but hand—I don't know.

Hallie

I like to think they both—

Kyle

Hug, handshake, high-five?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I like to think they go back and forth for a second and then they’re like “nah,” and then they just don’t do anything.

Ari

Yeah. He appreciates it. He’ll say it means a lot and start leafing through it and potentially start taking notes there.

Kyle

That’s when you hear the Fabergé eggs breaking.

Hallie

AGH!

[Frantic Russian music begins.]

Kyle

And you see Sasha in the middle of a fight.

[Laughter.]

Meanwhile, Sasha, you just felt a little tap-tap by the whale and heard a voice say…

Kyle (as “whale”)

I’m really sorry about this.

Kyle

…and the whale just fucking swings for your head.

Roberto

[Rolls.] I rolled a crit, plus 3.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

Oh my god! Oh my god, you’re gonna just destroy this whale man!

Kyle

You dodge the punch. Fun fact, the Packback Bandits are MONsters, which means they have stats and skills. Essentially, if they rolled using one of their skills, you have disadvantage, or if you have to roll against their stat, you get a minus. You still got a crit despite this thing having a stat in Fierce that gives it 2. So, what do you want your effect to be?

Roberto

My effect is going to be… I turn around and I see this thing taking a swing at me. I’m gonna move back and, just by reaction, just slash upwards across the chest. If they were wearing a costume, it would just reveal who it is and then slice off an arm at the same time.

Hallie

Oh my god. Oh my god!

Roberto

The arm that they used to punch me.

Kyle

I’m not gonna give you the arm, but I will give you the costume.

Roberto

Darn.

Kyle

The costume slashes open. We can add some. Some ectoplasm spills out from this whale as it flies open.

[Music changes to comical Halloween music.]

You see standing in front of you, illuminated under the moonlight, a giant fearsome-looking humanoid Doberman.

Ari

Oh… what?

Hallie

What?!

Kyle

And you suddenly realize the relevance of a full moon.

Roberto

Werewolves.

Kyle

The Doberman looks at you with her ears and goes:

Kyle (as Doberman)

Well, that wasn’t very polite.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You punched me!

Kyle (as Doberman)

I know, and I’m sorry about that. Okay? It’s very important for the—

Kyle

She clicks her ears and listens into an earpiece.

Kyle (as Doberman)

Ugh. I get that we’re not supposed to be polite, but… Yeah-yeah, capitalist scum, whatever.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Wait. You have my book?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Doberman)

[Impish.] What? No~!

Roberto

Sasha does not keep a level head at all. It’s an inability.

Hallie

Oh boy.

Roberto

Sasha’s gonna start slashing!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh god!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Give me back my book!

Kyle

Alright. Roll me to Take a Swing.

Roberto

Sasha does not like having things stolen from him. Gambling is one thing, having it stolen is different.

[Rolls.] This is a… 11, 14.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Alright, so with the -2 that this thing’s Fierce gives you, that’s still a 12. On a full success, you hit your target and you choose one benefit. You can take advantage forward or +1 ongoing, you can temporarily immobilize them, you can move them to a nearby position, or you can do something similar.

Roberto

I’m gonna immobilize them temporarily.

Kyle

How do you immobilize them?

Roberto

With the flat side of my blade I’ll just smack them up on the side of their head. “You’re a bad boy!”

Kyle

You knock her back and she flies… I’m gonna say out of the moonlight, and as soon as this werewolf, which is a bearwolf…

Hallie

[Pleased.] A bearwolf!

Kyle

Because even though she’s not bear-like she’s very protective. I have a werewolf pun for each of these.

Hallie

I’m so proud of you.

[00:15:00]

[Tense ambience begins.]

Kyle

She flies out underneath an awning. Some of Nicky 2’s stuff has shadowed the moonlight, because it’s overhanging so oppressively. She flies back against some of that, and while she seemed unphased previously by the hit, as soon as she falls out of the moonlight the werewolf form goes away and instead you see a tall tan person in probably her mid-50s with a narrow face wearing skintight black clothing with a top that looks like a vest and a tie but no frills beyond that. She gets against the wall.

Kyle (as Doberman)

Ugh… that was, uh, ow.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Through gritted teeth.] I want my book.

Kyle (as Doberman)

I don’t… Your book?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Where’s Obadiah?

Kyle (as Doberman)

Obadiah…? Oh, that was… Was that you, Purserat? Okay, yeah. You gave us your book.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You took it from me under false pretenses. I want it back.

Kyle (as Doberman)

False pretenses? I mean, Purserat was interested in it. That was genuine.

Roberto

Sasha’s gonna ignore that at that point, because he just looks pissed. He swings his saber and takes the remaining ectoplasm off.

Hallie

At this point Sparky will intervene and stick her head in sideways on camera while Sasha’s pissed.

[Music changes to silly upbeat song.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hi, yeah, sorry about that. I assume you’re one of the thieves trying to get this macaroni drawing from Nicky 2. Right? That’s what’s happening here?

Kyle

She nods her head.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. How many other members on your team are there? I just wanna know for like census purposes.

Kyle

[Smirking.] Roll me Convince Somebody with Slick.

Hallie

[Laughs. Rolls.] I rolled an 11.

Kyle

Shit. Ugh…

Kyle (as Doberman)

That doesn’t make any…

Ari & Hallie (as Quique and Sparky)

Census?

Roberto

Ha! Sasha laughs.

Kyle (as Doberman)

Oh, census… haha! Not nice, not nice. Uh… five.

Hallie (as Sparky)

There are five counting you?

Kyle (as Doberman)

Yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. That’s great. There are five of you. Are you the only one on the floor?

Kyle

The ears twitch a little bit. You noticed previously they had been honed in on all of you, but they twitch as if listening to something.

Kyle (as Doberman)

Well, that’s not… Ruse, that’s not technically—Oh, I suppose you could say so, yes.

Hallie

Okay. Kyle, I have 4 AP. Could I just start off by using one to add something useful to the environment that wouldn’t necessarily be there otherwise?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I’d really like to have some Freddy Jones-like traps just littered throughout that we apparently set up when we were feeding our fake plan to the bug.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

So just like, okay… it’s just gonna be one of those, like, you just pull it and then a chandelier cage falls down. It’s a flimsy one. It’s not meant to hurt this person. Just like, okay, you got one of them in containment, now there’s four left, because it’s a Fred Jones Scooby Doo trap.

[Music ends.]

So, Sparky just pulls a cord from nowhere and, in keeping with the theme of the childproof locks, it’s one of those playpens that’s really, really hard to open.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Thanks. Look, I’m really sorry about this. I understand that many people want to personally own this macaroni drawing made by Nicky 2, Head Tsar of Tsarvia, but um… we’re supposed to not let that happen.

Hallie

Keep that pause in. She’s thinking back on what Jake said. She’s got the raccoon eyes you have when you’re really, really tired. There’s just the huge lines underneath, dark shadows everywhere.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Because we don’t want you to steal it. That’s right, Quique?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Yeah, that’s right.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah! Gosha…? Yeah, we don’t want… yeah. Okay, but like, I mean, mad respect.

Hallie

Then she wants to do a fist bump with the person she just trapped in the child’s playpen.

Kyle

She’s gonna look at you confused.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fair.

Kyle

And then her ears will twitch again, and she’ll very hesitantly fist bump you back.

Hallie

I’m gonna win her over. It’s fine. I’m gonna win her over and we’re gonna be besties.

Kyle (as Doberman)

You know, the others won’t be so easy to catch.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Don’t worry about that. I’m sure we’ve got it handled. But, any advice you could give me would be great.

Kyle (as Doberman)

My poor dear, you look so tired.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh… that’s a ruse. That’s intentional to throw people off the track, and it’s working.

Kyle (as Doberman)

It doesn’t seem that way to me.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Trailing laugh.]

Hallie

That’s it. Sparky just laughs and then it melts into a cry.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright. Are you gonna have someone stay here with them, with her, or…?

Hallie

We could just leave her unattended. She is in the playpen.

Ari

I can also use Creates Copies to make—

Hallie

Oh wait, you can! You can use Create Copies!

Roberto

Quiclones!

Hallie

Quiclones!

Kyle

Alright, roll me a 1d26.

Ari

Alright, let’s see what we get.

[Rolls.] Twenty.

Kyle

Twenty. Alright, give me… T. Give me a name that starts with T.

Roberto

Torentio.

Ari

Uh…

Brendan

Tickle. Tomato.

[00:20:00]

Ari

[Laughing.] No!

Hallie

Just Tomato.

Ari

Tadeo. Tadeo. I like that name.

Kyle

Tadeo?

Ari

Tadeo, yeah.

Kyle

Okay.

Kyle (as Tadeo)

[Meek, soft-spoken.] Hey. So, I heard you need me for something. Is something going on? Did you want me for some kind of…?

[Silly ghosty music begins.]

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Listen. We need you to stay here and make sure that she does not escape that playpen. That’s a very important job here while we go and catch the other potential suspects in this case that want to steal something very important. So, you are given the very important mission of not letting that one escape and go back to her gang of miscreants.

Kyle (as Tadeo)

This is a case…?

Hallie

[Amused.] Of miscreants.

Kyle (as Tadeo)

A gang of miscreants? You mean like the ones that Eddie ran?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh, well…

Kyle (as Tadeo)

Eddie didn’t treat us very good.

Ari (as Quique)

Yes, but you don’t have to remember those… You’re past this. You know?

Kyle (as Tadeo)

Okay. Okay, I’m glad.

Ari (as Quique)

I forgive you for all of that. I forgive everybody except for Eddie.

Kyle (as Tadeo)

Even Santiago? Nobody likes Santiago. I think he’s alright.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you know, everybody… to each their own. It’s fine. You can tell all of those feelings to her while you make sure she doesn’t escape.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Doberman)

Oh dear, you look so sad.

Ari (as Quique)

No. What? Me? I’ve never been better. You can talk with her about her things, not with me.

Kyle (as Doberman)

Yes, dear, tell me everything that’s bothering, uh… both of you.

Ari (as Quique)

No-no, yeah, well… start with her, then we’ll circle back to me after this is over. Yeah? Alright. Cool talk. Let’s go.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And you leave behind… this is the Quiclone that had the bandit mask who you briefly saw at the end of Die Card.

Ari

Perfect.

Kyle

He is left behind with the Doberman.

Hallie

Doberwoman, Kyle.

Kyle

The Doberwoman.

Hallie

Thank you.

Kyle

I’ll just say her name out of character. It’s just Dober.

Ari

Dober?

Kyle

He’s left behind with Dober.

Hallie

It’s just Dober? Okay. I love it.

Kyle

Okay, so he is left behind with her. What are you gonna do next?

Ari

I don't know if there’s a way to do Natural Hunter to try and find the others.

Hallie

That’s legit.

Kyle

Yeah, and they gave you that business card.

Ari

That’s true.

Hallie

Yeah, and the bug was on it.

Kyle

Yeah, roll me a Natural Hunter.

Ari

Okay, so that is +Fierce.

[Rolls.] That is a… That’s a 6.

Kyle

It’s very hard to find this person. Whenever you’re trying to figure out… Let’s say you’re looking for Obadiah, because that’s the one you’ve got the thing of.

Ari

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

You keep passing by Dober’s cage, and she’s like:

Kyle (as Dober)

Oh, you’ve come back.

Ari

Oh no.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle (as Dober)

Tadeo’s told me so much about you.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh boy. Alright. And we’re back.

Kyle (as Dober)

And about what’s going on.

Ari (as Quique)

Circling back.

Kyle (as Dober)

Family can be so difficult, you understand. I’d be happy to talk with you about it more.

Ari (as Quique)

And I’m gone. I’m out. I’m out of here. Alright, this one went harder than I thought it would. So, does anybody have any other plans that are not involved with coming back to this room?

Roberto

Hands a shot over to Quique.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

Thank you.

Ari

He downs it completely.

Kyle

Is Gosha still up in the banisters?

Brendan

Yeah, he is. He is.

Kyle

What’s Gosha’s plan here?

Brendan

Um… using my powers of deduction, if the others are not in this room, they must be in other rooms. So, I think Gosha is going to climb down and follow everybody when they’re gonna go to the next room.

Kyle

So yeah, you’re going around. You keep coming back. That’s how you get Dober’s name. She’s just like:

Kyle (as Dober)

Oh, by the way, my name is Dober. I’m so sorry, I forgot to tell you that.

Kyle

But yeah, you just brush off and keep exploring?

Ari

Yeah, probably.

Hallie

Yes.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. So, one special thing that MONsters have… the MON-sters because they have mon-like mechanics.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Each of them has a move that they can use. I’m gonna secretly use one right now. I’m gonna have Gosha… Gosha, I want you to roll Take Action.

Brendan

[Rolls.] That’s an 8.

Kyle

You see a Freddy Jones style were-trap.

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

It’s a bear trap for werewolves.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

You jump out of the way with a (meow), but it’s a little too slow. Your tail gets caught in the bear trap.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

Oh no!

Brendan

Oh, I lost my tail again.

Ari

Again.

Kyle

Well, if you rip it off that is.

Brendan

Yeah. I mean, I had it pinned on with a safety pin.

Kyle

[Laughs.] I am going to use a move called Invents.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

Once per adventure, create a temporary item for yourself or another character that performs a specific act otherwise unavailable. The item works but breaks after a single use. You jump back and suddenly you are trapped in a column of blue ghostly light.

Hallie

No! We’ve been Freddy Jones’d.

Kyle

You can talk and speak but you are stuck in place.

Roberto

All of us?

Kyle

Just Gosha.

Brendan (as Gosha)

What is going on? What is this contraption?

Hallie

The fly flies out of it just enough to make Gosha upset.

[00:25:00]

[Laughter.]

And then continues to fly back and forth, in and out of the barrier, because it is not bound by its laws.

[Mischievous ghosty music begins.]

Brendan

Gosha’s gonna try to leave to try to walk out of this ghostly blue light.

Kyle

You feel a little tingle, enough to make you go (meow) and get the shock, and are launched back.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You know, I always thought I’d see Gosha behind bars, I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Oh, big talk coming from the gambling addict.

Roberto (as Sasha)

At least I pay off my debts.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah… Wait, no you don’t.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes I do!

Brendan (as Gosha)

No you don’t.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I had Tsar Nicky pay them for me.

Brendan (as Gosha)

That doesn’t count.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I don’t owe him any money.

Brendan (as Gosha)

If you don’t owe him any money, why did you come on this mission?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Because I get paid to do this job. Anyways.

Roberto

Can I use Shoot First, Ask Questions Later?

Hallie

Oh my god.

Roberto

And use Understand to figure out how this works?

Kyle

Yeah. What does Shoot First, Ask Questions Later do?

Roberto

I can choose Touch the Other Side or Understand, and whenever I use this basic move I roll +Fierce instead of +Books. I can also use +Fierce for both Touch the Other Side and Understand as the advanced move.

Kyle

This won’t be Understand, this will be Use the Unfamiliar, which is the renamed Touch the Other Side. That’s because you’re trying to get it to turn off. Right?

Roberto

Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, roll me +Fierce instead of Books.

Roberto

Yeah!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

But, because it’s a Books move, you are gonna get a -2 because the person who set this up is good at Books. Anyways, what did you get, +Fierce?

Roberto

[Rolls.] Plus Fierce, I got a 12.

Kyle

Okay, so that goes down to a 10, but you still succeed. What exactly is your goal here?

Roberto

I’m trying to use my dagger to pick the lock.

Hallie

Just stab the glowing green light.

Kyle

Alright, pick the lock that doesn’t exist because it’s just a wall of ghostly energy.

Roberto

Yeah, but somehow, somehow…

Hallie

I love it.

Kyle

Okay. Give me a drawback.

Roberto

I lose my dagger, which is one of my weapons, and I’m very upset.

Hallie

It just explodes.

Kyle

You put your dagger in and it (poof, burst). It just disappears into blue ghostly light, but as it does, Gosha, who had been suspended a little bit by this, drops to the ground.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Emotional.] My mother gave me that dagger.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Oh no!

Brendan (as Gosha)

My friend, I know a monarchist wouldn’t understand this, but you cannot put a price on freedom.

Roberto (as Sasha)

There is a price on freedom.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah, that dagger.

Brendan

Gosha dusts himself off.

Kyle

As you dust yourself off, you see peering around the corner a pair of ghostly blue goggles.

[Sinister, monstrous ambience begins.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

Hmm. Listen, my friend. I have been screwed over by a lot of people in my life, and I have to say, there’s nothing I hate more than being put in a cage… because I’m cat. Now I’m getting angry.

Brendan

Do I need to roll to do the transformation?

Kyle

Nope, it’s just once per session. Describe what you’re gonna do.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Brendan

Okay. The transformation phrase is:

Brendan (as Gosha)

Smokin’!

Hallie

What?!

[Music changes to upbeat jazz swing.]

Brendan

You know, there’s a magical girl sequence.

Ari

Oh my god.

Brendan

He tosses his fedora to the side, he throws off his trench coat, and he transforms into the Begemot. He grows from about the size of a large hog to about the size of a hippopotamus. His clothes are torn off, and his eyes become like burning coals, and it looks like he’s spitting fire.

Kyle

Alright. What do you do now? Sorry, I’ll you what I do. The thing runs.

Brendan

Yeah.

Hallie

It just runs.

Kyle

Whatever has the goggles fucking bolts.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

We’re running and racing all the way into the announcement break. Before getting into the meat of this announcement break, I wanted to quickly thank Brendan and Roberto from Tsar Power for being our first guests in a mainline episode. This was a really fun experience, and I’m really glad we got to do it with them.

If you like the antics of Sasha and Gosha, you should check out Tsar Power, a history comedy podcast that ranks all the Russian rulers from Rurik to Putin. You can find them at TsarPower.com or, you know, you can just click the link in the description.

Down there in the description, you’ll also find a Kickstarter from our friends over at the Maniculum Podcast. Specifically, this is the marginal Worlds Magic Item Deck. This is a deck of 50 easy to play magic items pulled directly from medieval manuscripts that you can play in any tabletop roleplaying game, including Under the Neighborhood.

[Game show music begins.]

The deck includes 50 system-neutral magic items with easy to play descriptions, quick-play icons for features such as cursed items, sentience, or high-level play,

[00:30:00]

excerpts featuring each item in its original medieval manuscript, a detailed game master’s guide with additional descriptions and lore, gorgeous hand-illustrated manuscript art, systematic consistent and easy adaptable game design made by award winning game designers, a complete D&D 5th system appendix, three additional optional play appendices, and a detailed glossary of our medieval sources.

I scrolled through the book a little bit to find something that would pop out, because medieval stuff is really, really weird. I’m not gonna go into the details because, you know, I don’t want to just read off the entire book here… I mean, I do, I really do want to read off the entire book here, but I don’t think that would be kosher.

I do want to point out that one of the items is the Helpful Pot of Mouse which needs to be prepared ahead of time, and under the suggested uses they just list “use it to fill someone’s house with mice.”

So, if you’re looking to dazzle your players with magic items, ones hidden for centuries in ancient tomes, sign up on Kickstarter or TheManiculumPodcast.com to check out the sample cards, playtest them yourself, and to bring the magic to your table on June 1. Again, this is a Kickstarter opening on June 1, and the link will be in the description.

[Music ends.]

Alright, that’s all I got for you today. If you’re listening to this in real time, thank you for your patience the past couple of months. It’s just been… it’s just been a lot. It’s been a lot, and uh… yeah, it’s no longer a lot, so hopefully I’ll be a lot more on-schedule. As with last time, I’m not gonna tell you when the next episode is going to release, hopefully in two weeks, but I will tell you that, if you’re curious what Hilda and Irene have been up to, you’ll be sure to want to check it out.

If you want additional podcasts, short stories, or behind the scenes insights, you can check them out at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Intense chase music begins.]

Brendan

With a mighty roar, he bounds in whatever direction he saw that thing go.

Kyle

Alright. Roll Take Action, and you get extra Fierce because that’s your Begemot form.

Brendan

[Rolls.] That’s a 4, and that is a 5.

Kyle

Okay! So that’s a mixed success. You are just a little too slow. What’s your Begemot form like? Are you like yourself or…?

Brendan

No, he’s far more animalistic and vicious.

Kyle

How are you feeling as you pursue? Because  normally Gosha’s pretty even keel.

Brendan

Yeah, normally Gosha is really cool and collected, but this is when he really cuts loose and he becomes enraged, instinct takes over. He’s like a lion chasing after a wildebeest, single-mindedly after whatever this thing is.

Kyle

You just burst out. Because you’re so ferocious, I’m gonna count this as a Confrontation.

Hallie

Ooh!

Kyle

I think your goal is just to catch him, right?

Brendan

Yeah, catch him, probably rip him apart.

Kyle

And their goal is to make off with the piece. So, this pug runs off.

Hallie

[Emotional.] A pug?!

Kyle

This pug with glasses-like eye markings, so little black markings.

Ari

God bless.

Kyle (as pug)

[Silly and mumbled.] Alright, Ruse, we did this. What’s the next step?

Kyle

The Begemot roars and races after them. Since you got a mixed success, your clock fills by 1, but theirs is that I want to do an effect. An effect can be something like, you know, you get trapped or you take someone out. As you rush off, unthinking, Nicky 2’s giant Jenga tower of orthodox art starts (creaking) and falling on… I’m gonna say Quique and Sparky.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Agh!

Hallie

No!

Kyle

As if to trap them.

Brendan

Uh-oh.

Kyle

But, at the last second, both of you feel… instead of a giant force on top of you, you feel a giant force behind you, as someone dives into you and gets you out from barely under the pile of trash. Pile of art. Whatever.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Is there a difference in this institution?

Ari

I call this “all the trash.”

[Laughter.]

Kyle

When you look up, you see Dober, the Doberwoman.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

No!

Kyle

But, instead of talking to you, she just kind of looks like she wants to say something. She gets up from having pushed you out from underneath the thing, nods, perks up her ears to look around, and then bolts away.

Ari (as Quique)

I appreciate the help, I really do, but Tadeo, you had one job!

[00:35:00]

Kyle (as Tadeo)

I warned you. I yelled as loud as I could that she was picking the lock, but you couldn’t hear me.

Ari (as Quique)

You took her out!

Kyle (as Tadeo)

No, I didn’t take her out.

Ari (as Quique)

I told you. I mean, it was useful I guess because now we’re not under a pile of trash, but…

Kyle (as Tadeo)

Well yeah, she picked the lock. She seems really nice. They seem to have some pretty good motivation if you ask me.

Ari (as Quique)

Ugh, why can’t I ever control who to get?

Kyle (as Tadeo)

You know, stealing from the rich, which I mean is—

Hallie

I’d like to take off. I’m just gonna chase her.

Ari

I will also be in pursuit after Quique complains.

Kyle

Alright, roll me Take Action.

Hallie

Could I please use another AP to add something useful to the environment? It’s an orthodox skateboard. I would like to use that to get closer. It’s like a skateboard with an icon on the bottom of it.

Kyle

It’s one of his pieces of art.

Hallie

Yeah! Nicky 2’s skateboard.

Ari

Can I spend an AP to find some rollies, some roller skates?

Kyle

Yeah!

Hallie

Take Action! Take Action! Take Action!

[Rolls.] Kyle…?

Kyle

Yeah?

Hallie

Kyle… I got a 12.

Ari

Yay!

Hallie

A natural one! A Malaita!

Kyle

Jesus Christ.

Hallie

Which actually makes for a 13 because I have a +1 today.

[Sporty rock music begins.]

Kyle

Quique and Sparky, why are the two of you moving so fast and so well?

Hallie

You know how sometimes when you’re really tired you get a second wind? That’s happening for Sparky right now.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

I think Quique just has a lot of feelings from the gift from Sparky and Tadeo being onto him and just this really fun adventure in the Titenic. He’s having this adrenaline rush.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

After a lot of days that weren’t as adrenaline-filled.

Hallie

After Claymation.

Ari

After Claymation!

Hallie

Something like this.

Kyle

Alright, so your clock is filled 2 out of… it’s 3 out of 4 now.

Hallie

Oh-ho-ho! {not French}

Kyle

Meanwhile, Gosha, you are just on the hunt. You are destroying so many things. I think a Ron whale at this point has just been (crushing and thrashing sounds).

Hallie

Remember, we have a grace period.

Roberto

Since we did a cutaway to my horse earlier, how can I bring in my horse?

Hallie

Oh my god.

Roberto

I feel like there’s one of the paintings of horses that Nicky has.

Hallie

Oh my god. Oh my god!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

There’s a painting of a horse, like when there’s the destruction of Gosha going around, right?

Roberto

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

We hear it, the rattling, we see everything shake, and there’s just this picture of this terrified horse, just moving as it shakes.

[Badass rock music begins.]

Then suddenly it fucking explodes and your horse jumps out of it doing dual-pistols back at the horse it was training with, because their training brought them to the Titenic.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Roberto

[laughs.]

Kyle

Yeah, they’re just doing a gunfight with each other.

Roberto

I say…

Roberto (as Sasha)

Zhukov, {37:44}!

Roberto

…and I get on my horse.

Kyle

He looks over. “Neigh?” ‘Father?’ And the other horse, “neigh.” ‘You are ready.’ And it races off towards you.

[Laughter.]

Roberto

As Zhukov gets closer, I run towards his side and get on and start pursuing one of the… right after Gosha, because I know he’s gonna leave a trail of destruction in his wake. He’s gonna need some backup. So, I start riding in after him.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Let’s go, Zhukov. Let’s go! Onward!

Roberto

Saber in hand, face forward. I look like a real Cossack now.

Hallie

Oh man.

Kyle

You’re chasing after Gosha who is just destroying so much shit, anything that looks dog-like. What exactly is the two of yours plan, though? That’s beautiful, but I don't know what you plan to do.

Brendan

Gosha is just… all his senses are on high alert, totally ruled by instinct. If he sees something that moves, he is going to run after it. When he catches up with it, God help whatever that thing is.

Roberto

Sasha in the meantime is after Gosha, and then he just yells out… because I still have the business card.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I want to parlay through a game of chance.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody, but you’re using… Heart, Fierce or Slick. Just choose a stat, I can’t figure out which one this is.

Roberto

You know what? Fierce. I look very intimidating right now.

Kyle

Okay. Yeah.

Roberto

Okay cool, because that brings me up from a 7 to a 10.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So, you finish the Confrontation.

Hallie

Yay! That’s like record time. We have never done that this fast in the main series.

Kyle

Sparky and Quique, you go and you’re seeing Dober going back and forth.

[Music changes to silly chase music.]

Kyle (as Dober)

I don't know why you’re chasing me. I don’t really know what your goal is here. I kind of feel like we’re on the same side here, you know.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We just wanna talk!

Kyle (as Dober)

But you have a giant cat!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Not normally.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, honestly I had no idea what that was about. I really wasn’t ready for that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I don't know why he’s big. It’s really scary. I don't know why he’s big…!

Kyle (as Dober)

Poppy, why did you make them take out the cat? They don’t even—

Kyle

She’s talking to the earpiece.

[00:40:00]

Kyle (as Dober)

Poppy, why did you have them take out the cat? They don’t even know what the cat is.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We don’t know what this is.

Kyle (as Dober)

I get that it’s all part of Ruse’s plan, but what’s the plan?!

Kyle

She ducks around a corner and you, the two of you, Sasha and Gosha, see as Dober, who you all recognize, ducks through the corner as well.

Roberto

Uh-oh.

Brendan

Gosha isn’t in the mood to discriminate right now. He’s after her.

Hallie

Oh no! No! Do we have to have a Confrontation with Gosha to stop him?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

We’ll see. The three of you, before then, make it around the corner. As you do, the Confrontation ends, because you got a 4 out of 4.

[Sultry heist jazz begins.]

You hear a coin flip, and you see a very tall, thin coyote flipping a coin in one hand. She looks at you with a smirk and says:

Kyle (as coyote)

A game of chance, you say?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Why yes, a game of chance. I am a gambling man, as I’m sure you have heard already.

Kyle (as coyote)

I’ve heard. A gambling man… now, gamblers, from what I’ve heard, are either the rich frivolously throwing their money away or the poor being exploited by them. Which camp do you fall in, sir?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes. I’m a Tsarvian, it’s both. We rise high, we sink low. We do everything in excess, especially when it comes to gambling.

Kyle (as coyote)

Everything…

Kyle

And she sees as the Begemot starts coming towards you.

Kyle (as coyote)

…in excess, indeed.

Brendan

His head is low to the ground, his backside is up, he’s moving forward. He’s growling, but it’s a giant cat, so instead of a cute meow it’s like a low rumble.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Gosha, do you want moloko?

Brendan (as Gosha)

[In a monstrous voice.] Moloko?

Roberto (as Sasha)

Go back to normal.

Brendan (as Gosha)

[In a monstrous voice. Growls and snarls.]

Roberto

[Laughs.]

Brendan

He slowly shrinks back.

Roberto

I toss him his trench coat.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I’m listening.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Thank you. No more distraction. I’ll give you moloko afterwards.

Kyle (as coyote)

A Tsarvian, so rich and so poor at the same time, sounds to be a terrible fate, honestly.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yes, rich in literature, poor in bread.

Roberto (as Sasha)

It’s how we make our best writing and music, is through debt.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Starvation.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Yes.

Kyle (as coyote)

Your best writing and music indeed. So where… where is your poetry, then? Purserat did tell me it was quite formidable, quite… resounding. He cried immensely, and yet…

Kyle

She steps to the side and just points.

Kyle (as coyote)

…macaroni ape.

Roberto (as Sasha)

The Head Tsar gets what he wants.

Kyle (as coyote)

And why is that? Why does the Head Tsar get what he wants? From my understanding, if the four of you just walked away, well… then he would have no power here.

Roberto

Sasha is such a deep monarchist that he just doesn’t understand this.

Hallie

He does not understand this logic, at all.

Roberto (as Sasha)

No. The Head Tsar is the Head Tsar. We do what he says. It’s been this way for hundreds of years.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look. It seemed important to a lot of people to keep this macaroni art in this museum, but I’ll admit I don't know why.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look. We’re sorry that we trapped your friend here, we’re sorry that we had the whole guardian thing, but really I just want to know, like… can you just make your own macaroni art? Why do you want this one?

Ari (as Quique)

Surprisingly enough, one of my many things I dabbled in recently was on making macaroni art.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, he’s really good.

Ari (as Quique)

So, I could, if you would like a really pretty similar replica of this macaroni art, I can make this for you.

Kyle (as coyote)

You would?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah!

Kyle (as coyote)

You really, really would?

Ari (as Quique)

If you give me enough macaroni, because I don’t have it.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as coyote)

That’s… That’s so thoughtful. That’s so thoughtful! I wouldn’t bother, though.

[Heist music begins.]

Kyle

The coyote flips her coin revealing that both sides have the same face and activates the move Retcon Button.

Hallie

No!

Kyle (as coyote)

Because we already replaced the drawing 30 minutes ago.

Hallie

Oh god damn it. They’re heisting us! No!

Ari

Oh…!

Kyle

At the end of an adventure, you can undo one minor part of the adventure of your choice such as reassembling a broken building, making someone unlearn her secret identity, or miraculously winning regionals despite being in last place. The detail I’d like to undo is that the macaroni drawing has been there the entire time.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oops.

Kyle

I need everyone to take a hard move.

Hallie

No~

Kyle

The place starts to rumble and the coyote looks at you.

Kyle (as coyote)

Oh yes, and we also manipulated the cat to destroy the support structures on the Titenic.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle (as coyote)

So, I hope you like a recreation, although this time with considerably less water.

[Music chases to tense chase music.]

Roberto

Uh… Uh…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are you sinking the boat but without water?

[00:45:00]

Hallie

Is that what this person means?

Roberto

They’re breaking the museum.

Kyle

Yeah, the museum is gonna collapse in on itself.

Roberto

One thing.

Kyle

Yeah?

Roberto (as Sasha)

I still want my manuscript back.

Kyle (as coyote)

I get that that’s what you want, but at the moment I really don’t feel like that’s your top priority. Dober?

Kyle

You see the werewolf start to change form. The coyote form disappears and, like a shadow moving across the body, the hair on the coyote turns into a much shorter dark hair as the limbs lengthen, and the coyote changes into a humanoid Doberman. Being a plural system, you see, the five Packback Bandits share one body.

Kyle (as Dober)

Got you, boss. Let’s go.

Kyle

And it’s time for another Confrontation!

Hallie

No!

Ari

Ah.

Roberto

Agh, what?

Hallie

Okay. You can feel free to tell me that I can’t use this, but I have that business card from Bier Steinsman the fixer. Can I just call Bier Steinsman and have him do me a solid which is fix this entire ship before it collapses, like really fast Bob the Builder style?

Ari

Oh my god.

Roberto

[Laughs.]

Ari

I think Kyle has been broken now.

[Music abruptly cuts off.]

Kyle (as Dober)

But the ship is still…

Kyle

‘Tink.’ You look around and everything is immaculate. It is perfect. It is beautiful. Sparky, you still… you didn’t even talk to him.

Hallie

No.

Kyle

You just have the phone. Bier Steinsman looks at you, gives you a thumbs up, and takes his business card back.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You were not kidding. You are a fixer. Thank you, sir.

Kyle

And he vanishes into the night.

Hallie

[Laughs.] he vanishes into the night. Bye, Bier Steinsman.

Roberto

How is an AP used…? How is it used for summoning things?

Kyle

Just summon something convenient in the scene.

Roberto

Okay, because I would like to spend an AP to bring out a silver gun.

Ari

Oh…

Roberto

A silver bullet.

Hallie

[Laughing.] You’re just bringing a silver bullet gun. Christ! Kyle said hey, guns aren’t gonna work, and then you were like but what if I had one anyway, and what if it was an ancient mythological way of dealing with exactly what you have introduced to me.

Kyle

[Reluctant.] You have a silver bullet.

[Laughter.]

Roll me Take a Swing, but you don’t get advantage and it’ sonly +1 because Dober has Fierce.

Roberto

Okay, okay, okay.

[Rolls.] That’s an 11.

Hallie

Holy cow.

Kyle

[Reading, reluctant.] Alright. Hit your target and choose one benefit. Here’s a list of ideas, but they can be what you want.

Hallie

[Delighted.] He’s so mad! He’s so mad.

Roberto

[Laughs.] I want to temporarily immobilize my target.

Kyle

Okay. Yeah, you shoot her, you shoot her real good.

[A gun fires.]

Kyle (as Dober)

Would you stop—Ah! Ooh…!

Kyle

And you can see this silvery poison emerge from the bullet wound and just drag itself across Dober’s veins like a toxin carried through a river.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I want my manuscript.

Brendan (as Gosha)

But you just threw away your one negotiating piece.

Roberto (as Sasha)

I have more.

Kyle (as Dober)

Fine, just…

Kyle

The transformation happens again, and this time it’s a poodle with a very big puff. He reaches in and, Purserat, who was the person disguised as Obadiah, throws it to you.

Kyle (as Purserat)

[Coughs in pain.] Sorry, you know, we are dying, but…

Hallie

[Laughs.] “We are dying.”

Kyle (as Purserat)

…it’s a very nice script. These tears are from the gun, but you know, it did make me weep.

[Laughter.]

Roberto

Sasha catches it, puts it in his sash, and then I’m gonna pull out my signature item.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

What’s your signature item?

Roberto

The flare gun.

Kyle

God damn it.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

The flare gun! I forgot about the flare gun!

Kyle

Yeah, okay, uh-huh. Go ahead.

Roberto

Oh yeah, no, just to add insult to injury, I’m gonna shoot the flare gun straight at them and have the 1812 Overture play.

Hallie

[Amused.] Straight—?! No! Don’t kill them!

Roberto

Cannon fire and all to hurt their ears.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

And then, you’re saying that you shot them with a flare gun as the 1812 Overture played?

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

Big Jake Hell is writing in a little notepad and just staring at you, Sparky, as he gets the remainder of this report.

[00:50:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

I regret to inform you that is exactly what happened.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Alright, um… did you ever actually find the original? Because in my notes here I’m not seeing that part.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, actually.

Hallie

Sparky says, like a liar. What I would like to do is just let the thieves have this, have Quique create a copy, we go to the grocery store and make macaroni, and then that’s the one that we leave in the museum.

Ari

And, I want to now use Why Would I Lie, because I have an advanced one where I can use it even when a different character, a PC or NPC, is lying as well. So, I want to spend 1 AP to make Sparky’s lie actually the truth.

Roberto (as Sasha)

Well, it was a piece of shit piece of art anyways. I told him to toss it weeks ago. I just get paid by him to do things. This is a free trip to the Hereafter, so why would I say no?

[Laughter.]

Brendan (as Gosha)

I can’t honestly say I regret the destruction of that painting. I mean, come on, it was hideous.

Hallie (as Sparky)

He’s got a screenshot of it, so like, we’re covered.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Yeah.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yes… right.

Kyle

He looks at the little fly that’s on the end of his pen and he waves it away. He snaps his fingers and the paper goes away.

[Burst of flame. Music ends.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, I suppose that wraps everything up.

Hallie (as Sparky)

See, I left the part about the painting still being there because we did our job. I left it as a surprise so we could tell you that in person right now.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Oh?

Hallie (as Sparky)

It was nice, right? Hearing that, seeing that, but then like, oh my gosh, you did the job that you were asked to do, because it’s there and the museum is not collapsed.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Or on fire. Either of those things.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Somehow, despite you shooting a flare gun that shot the 1812 Overture.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Turns out you can recall Bier Steinsman and he’ll come back and do one extra solid for you. You get one revision of your fixes.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

One revision. Yes, this Bier… shockingly efficient.

Hallie (as Sparky)

One revision. One re-fixing. Mm-hmm.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, I appreciate your help and your discretion.

Kyle

He stands up and walks away.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Oh, just one more thing, though. What did happen to the bandits?

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Fuck it, we’re cutting back to the past now, because we’re being all avant-garde.

[Laughter.]

Brendan

Yeah, let’s rewind the tape. [Makes rewinding sounds.]

Hallie

[makes rewinding sounds.]

Kyle

Purserat is like:

Kyle (as Purserat)

So what happens…

[Coughs in pain.] Sorry, blood. What happens now?

Brendan (as Gosha)

[Shouting.] Every cat for himself!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh… well, look.

Roberto (as Sasha)

You get sent to Tsarvian prison.

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, not… eh.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Siberia.

Hallie (as Sparky)

So, listen. We already shot you, twice, so I think maybe…

Hallie

And she’s shooting daggers at Sasha.

Hallie (as Sparky)

So I think maybe that was what we call an overreaction.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

So, listen. As a solid to you, I think you can just go. You know? You’ve got places to be, right? You really wanted this macaroni drawing and you got shot for it. I feel like you could have given us 20 bucks, but you got shot. That’s probably a fair tradeoff.

Kyle (as Purserat)

Well, uh… yes, I suppose we should. It seems like a pretty good, uh… Ruse?

[Heist jazz music begins.]

Kyle

The head shakes and changes to the coyote face. Ruse just gives you a big coyote-filled smile. I don't know what the fuck that meant.

Hallie

Coyote-filled smile. Yeah, that smile is full of coyotes.

Kyle (as Ruse)

We’ll be in touch.

Roberto

You just hear Sasha look at the coyote and go:

Roberto (as Sasha)

Meep-meep.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ruse)

Ha-ha… [Coughs.]

Kyle

She tugs on a rope that she was clearly going to rappel out with.

Kyle (as Ruse)

We don’t have the strength for this. We’re just gonna…

Kyle

And Ruse starts just slowly dragging her leg, limping out from the Titenic.

Roberto (as Sasha)

[Chuckles triumphantly.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Hushed.] Have fun with your stolen art!

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright, one last cut. We’re back in the modern day.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Diner music begins.]

Big Jake Hell has left. He’s given you a big plate of crepes to celebrate your success.

Brendan

Gosha glances over to a flat screen TV on the wall that’s playing the news, and it says something to the effect of “worthless piece of art suddenly appreciates 1000% in value after being stolen.” You know, it’s funny. The Mona Lisa wasn’t famous until somebody stole it, because it really wasn’t that great of a painting. Basically what I’m saying is that the French are idiots.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Meanwhile, Sasha is out, he said he had to go do something. Sparky, you notice that Quique turns over to you.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Hey. I know what you were doing here, and I wanted to thank you for it. I had a lot of fun today.

[00:55:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Really?

Hallie

Sparky says, exhausted. Part of her hair is sizzling from the remnants of the flare gun.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. I know why you invited me here, and I wanted to thank you for this, and for this gift.

[Gentle guitar music begins.]

Ari

Not necessarily him to Sparky, but as an aside, I want for him to write this adventure with Sparky as the first entry in the book, and I want to make it his new signature item.

Kyle

Aww, that’s cute. I like that.

[Music ends.]

Roberto

I would like to have gone out and walked back in with four Tsarbucks cups and just put them on the table.

Hallie

Ha!

Roberto (as Sasha)

Ah, look, this is from Tsarbucks. Very good coffee place.

Kyle

You look down to horror, Sparky…

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Stammers.]

Roberto

[Restrains laughter.]

Kyle

…and you realize that, instead of coffee…

Hallie

What? No!

Kyle

…Sasha bought you vodka.

Hallie

NO!

Ari

Yes!

Roberto

[Bursts into laughter.]

Hallie

No! Every time.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Every time you go to Tsarbucks and you say I want a regular drink and they just pour vodka in your cup, in your to-go cup. Every time!

Brendan

And they never get your name right.

Hallie

[Sobbing.] Ugh~!

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

So, you two eventually make it out. You’re fucking wasted, having fun, on your way back home.

Brendan (as Gosha)

Man, those guys are real weirdos.

Roberto (as Sasha)

They really are. Why did they not try to just kill them already? Again.

Brendan (as Gosha)

I mean, a talking skeleton? Skeletons don’t talk. What a ridiculous idea.

Kyle

You walk off talking about speaking skeletons to yourself as we see the fly.

[Mystical music begins.]

It hangs back a little bit but seems to be hovering, watching you.

It’s a long time later, moonlight is long gone, and Big Jake Hell is alone. He, again, walks out of that forbidden room, looks around suspiciously, closes the door and locks it with a flaming palm. As he does, we can see behind him the shadow of the fly changes into the silhouette of a young woman. As Big Jake Hell turns around, he jumps with a start as the woman asks him a question.

Hallie (as Maria Kaina)

Do you believe in prophetic dreams?

[Music ends abruptly. Laughter.]

Roberto

Masha!

Kyle

Yeah, Maria Kaina was the one following you as a fly this whole time.

Hallie

She just turned into a fly. She was being a dick.

Roberto

Tsarvia 2.

Hallie

Yeah! Yeah, though!

--

Kyle

For example, you see a Millennium Falcon Puzzle.

Ari

[Amused.] Millennium Falcon Puzzle.

Kyle

Yeah, it has one piece out of it and it says “whatever you do, do not put the final piece together.”

Ari

Do you just get like Chewie as your alternate?

Kyle

Yeah, I’m just making a Yu-Gi-Oh! Reference.

[Everyone makes awful Chewbacca sounds.]

--

Kyle

Why did I have them go after Sasha first? I knew what was going to happen.

Roberto

[laughs.]

Hallie

You were so afraid of this, and then you played right into their hands.

Roberto

Yes!

Kyle

It was the most appropriate.

--

Brendan

It just occurred to me. You guys watched Danny Phantom when you were kids, right?

Hallie

Yo, Danny Fenton, he was just 14 when his parents built a very strange machine!

Brendan

It just occurred to me, I think that might have been the first magical girl transformation I ever saw on television because I never watched Sailor Moon or any magical girls. I just watched Danny Phantom.

Kyle

Yeah.

Brendan

I think that… Magusha Magica?

Hallie

Magosha Magica! There’s a Madoka Magica. Now you’re Magosha Magica.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

She’s a very famous magical girl.

Brendan

Oh, okay.

Ari

Yeah, it’s very fun.

Brendan

But anyway, yeah, I think Danny Phantom was the first magical girl transformation I ever saw in my life.

Kyle

Great choice.

Hallie

I’m happy for you.

Ari

Perfect. That is a perfect starter.

Brendan

Okay. Anyway.