35. The Lich's Shadow

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Don’t just take my word for it, click the link in the description or go to TheManiculumPodcast.com to check out the sample cards, playtest them yourselves, and bring the magic to your table by the end of the month.

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Intro’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised fiction podcast using the roleplaying system Under the Neighborhood. I’m Kyle, he/him, and today I, two of my best friends, and two new best friends…

Tom

[Pained, smiling.] Kyle, no.

Kyle

…and some dice are going to tell you a story about an awful lich and her shadow.

Emily

My name is Emily, my pronouns are they/them, and I play Irene Hawthorne, she/her, the Necromon Trainer who overextends.

Tom

I am Tom, he/him. I play Hilda Miszkiewicz, she/her pronouns, who is the guardian who pulls pranks and escapes.

Hannah

Hello. My name is Hannah Tsiopanos, and my pronouns are she/her. I’m playing Grumbo, the opportunist who was killed but lived. Grumbo’s pronouns are, hmm… she/her.

Kyle

Okay. I’ve been waiting on Grumbo. I defaulted to “he,” but I never really knew.

Hannah

I didn’t know until right now.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

One thing before we introduce our other guest, since Grumbo is an opportunist, you have a move called Loaded Dice where you roll 2d6 and add your Slick and save the result. Could you do that quickly?

Hannah

Absolutely.

[Rolls.] That is 6, plus 3 is 9, plus 3 is 12.

Kyle

Alright, so you get to hold onto a full success that, at one point during the session, you can give anyone at any time. You might be giving it to our last person here today.

Lara

Hello! I am Lara Paige Turner, she/her, and I will be playing Elizabeth Thorne, she/her, the mage who can’t feel pain.

Kyle

Okay! Normally at this point we would do a Slice of Life Complication where we introduce a mundane complication that will spiral into disaster. However, as we’ll learn over the course of this session, our parties here might have conflicts of interest where they might be more keen on having certain characters have complications than other ones. So, instead of that, I want everyone to design a Necromon for me.

What I’m gonna need from you is a name, an element, a Signature Stat… so Heart, they’re very heartful, Books, they’re very—

Emily

They’re very bookful.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Fierce, they’re very fierceful, and Slick, they’re very slickful. Then finally, just give me a vague appearance. Who wants to go first with their mon?

Emily

I have one.

Kyle

Yeah, hit me.

Emily

This Necromon is a little paper towel holder that hops around.

Kyle

On the little springy part?

Emily

Maybe.

Kyle

Okay!

Emily

Its name is… towel, backwards.

Kyle

Tow-wel, so le-wot. Lewot.

Tom

Lewot.

Kyle

Lewot.

Emily

“Le-wot. Le-wot.”

Hannah

“Le-wot!”

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright, if Lewot appears—

Tom

Please, it has to have that voice. That’s the only voice I’ll accept for it, Hannah’s.

Emily

Yes.

Kyle

Yeah, that one goes to Hannah. I was gonna assign these as they appeared, but… Hannah, British voice.

Hannah

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Then, what is Lewot’s element and stat?

Emily

[Hesitant.] Waste disposal…

Kyle

I’m gonna give it Trash, because Trash is a type that’s appeared.

Emily

And it’s Signature Stat is Books.

Kyle

Because paper?

Emily

Yes, that’s why, and not because that was the first stat that I thought of.

Kyle

My favorite part is that you could have waited for three other people to volunteer their mon. You went out of your way to be like “I’ll go, I’ll go right now!”

Emily

Well, I saw the box and I was like, yes, paper towel holder, that is the thing, but then I realized that there were other stuff, but I had already thought of that.

[00:05:00]

Kyle

You’re the person who makes the keychain Pokémon.

Tom

[Laughs.] Anyway.

Kyle

Yeah, what’s your sink Pokémon for us, Tom? Or is it soap?

Tom

No, I have a whole plan here. My Necromon is Tiki Walks because that backwards will be ikit-claw.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

Tiki Walks is a rat with an eyepatch and a gun.

Kyle

I think it would be Walk Tiki.

Tom

Alright. Excellent. Its element can be Science or Gun.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle

I like Gun. We’re putting in the element of Gun because it is a rat with a gun.

Emily

I don’t want to play that one because I can’t remember the name.

Kyle

[Laughs.] What stat is it?

Tom

Slick.

Kyle

It’s a Slick rat with an eyepatch and a gun.

Tom

That’s right.

Kyle

Alright. What are our other two?

Hannah

Imagine a dusty cloud that has two eyes and a big tongue just hanging out.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hannah

Right? But it’s past the body because the cloud is floating.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hannah

His name is Murdrum, which is Murdrum backwards. I am pro-palindrome, sorry about it. You get named Hannah and you don’t really get a choice.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hannah

I think the element is Nasty, and the stat is Slick.

Kyle

It’s just a NASTY mon. It’s got that big tongue, you can be various different types of nasty.

Hannah

Yeah. I wanted it to have a pig pen vibe where it’s just kinda dirt.

Kyle

It might not be the cloud, it might be something underneath the cloud, but we’ll never know.

Hannah

We’ll never know.

Kyle

Alright, so we’ve got our paper towel, our rat with an eyepatch and a gun, and our nasty cloud. What’s the final mon?

Lara

The final mon is named Delfini.

Kyle

Delfini.

Lara

Imagine, if you will, a very large sturgeon that has been pulled up onto land and is flopping around wildly, except this one’s element is Blood, so it is sort of creating its own little blood pool every time it flops and flaps and floops about.

Tom

Oh, that’s so upsetting.

Lara

It is, it’s deeply upsetting.

Kyle

Oh my god!

Lara

Uh… Heart, needless to say.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

In that case, we need to design two more things. We’re gonna have our ghostbuster hunter characters, but I want them to have two assistants. I want to figure out who those characters are now, but this time there are four things that I need each of you to give me twice: a name, pronouns, a Signature Stat, and then a role on this production. Are they producer, are they videographer, are they maker of location-looking-creepier, are they social media manager?

You’re only gonna have two members of your team, so you gotta pick carefully. Let’s start with Tom’s character. I’ll let you start, Tom, and choose one of the four.

Tom

This is too much power. Um, um, um… I’m choosing the Signature Stat Heart.

Kyle

Alright, so Tom’s character is Heart, so whoever this NPC is, even though they work for two shitheads, they’re gonna be relatively good with people—probably a nice person, but you don’t have to be to have good Heart. Okay, someone give me a name, pronouns, or a position.

Hannah

HR.

Kyle

HR for this team of four people. Not Public Relations, HR specifically.

Emily

I mean, they probably need it.

Kyle

Yeah, true.

Lara

God, the temptation to just say they go by “HR,” that’s their name, also.

Hannah

That’s funny.

Tom

HR Giger over here.

Kyle

Alright. What are HR Giger’s pronouns, Emily?

Tom

I deeply want this clip out of context.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

I think I’m getting he/him vibes.

Kyle

Okay. HR, he/him, the HR person for this team of four. Emily’s character, I’m gonna let you start again. Choose a stat, a name, a position, or a pronoun set.

Emily

I wanna be some type of intern, maybe intern to HR.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

We have HR, intern to HR, and talent. Those are the only roles.

Tom

I feel like there’s a bit of a bloated bureaucracy in this production.

Emily

Look, our team is really, really messy.

Hannah

Yeah. Maybe we’re just, like… we just don’t want anyone to ever ask us for anything or ever have consequences for us, so our only support is HR.

Kyle

I will say, their commitment to a solid HR team will impress Seth Keyhole, Vice Principal of Valley Middle School.

Alright, the intern to HR. Someone give me a name, pronouns, or a stat.

Hannah

Books!

Lara

He/they!

[00:10:00]

Tom

Uh… Gleep George.

Hannah

Yeah it fucking is.

Kyle

Gleep George.

Hannah

Is it hyphenated like it’s French? Like Jean-Luke.

Tom

It is now.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

[nasally.] it’s a family name.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I think at this point we’re ready to just get straight into the session. Since this is happening at the same time as Quique and Sparky’s adventures in the Titenic—check out last episode, Fright at the Museum, for that—I don’t have to tell you what’s happened since last time because it’s happening at the same time and you’ve got no fucking clue.

I don’t like describing things like they’re a camera, because we’re using the spirit of imagination, we don’t need to be bound by a camera… except for right now.

[Over-the top horror music plays.]

Right now I want you listening to imagine one of those found footage films, like The Blair Witch project kind of thing, the shaky handy-cam thing. This camera’s in what looks like a very dark blue. If you were observant, you would notice, actually, that it’s a perfectly sunny day outside in beautiful Puerto Ballenas which is a wonderful resort town right on the western coast of…

We never named the country that the Valley is in, so… this country. But, it’s made to be all dark, there’s the grim outline, the foggy outline, the shaky camera, and in the distance we see this hulking massive creature, this giant mammal that looks like a fish, a giant whale on two humanoid legs, just two very buff man legs. They’re not adjusted to be the size of the whale, they’re just man legs on a full whale. The whale just, a little pitter-patter with its bare feet, looks around.

Kyle (as whale)

Ay-gell? Ay-gell!

Kyle

And then there’s a jet of magic.

Kyle (as whale)

[Panicked.] Ay-gell! Ay-gell!

Kyle

And it starts pitter-pattering with its little feet off into the distance. That’s when we see the two hosts of this show, or at the very least one of them, enter the frame.

Lara

Oh, this is my cue, isn’t it?

Kyle

This is. Is that in character?

Lara

It is now.

[Music changes to semi-silly ghostly piano.]

Elizabeth Thorne steps in front of the camera as Leggay trundles off and presents herself in center frame as she is very adept at doing. I will go ahead and describe what she looks like. She looks kind of like a desiccated corpse like you did done take a dead lady and you stuck her in a salt mine for 100 years but then she got up and she put on some very good makeup and straightened her hair and wore a cool little sparkly robe, which you all in the call can see but you at home have to use your special imaginations for.

Kyle

[Laughs.] You stepped in frame majestically. We can see the beautiful, powerful blue-white fog emerging from underneath the bottom of your robe. It’s hard to tell if this is just naturally you or if this is part of the showmanship.

Lara

Naturally me is showmanship. Such is my nature.

[Laughter.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Well, everybody, as you can see, the Leggay is making its exeunt, so it is about time for us to get into hot pursuit. So, if we could all hop into the van, friends.

Kyle

Does the camera just turn over and there’s just a van there?

Lara

There is a van there because I do have Designated Driver so I do just have a reliable means of transportation—a Necrotech-powered van, imagine if you will, like a news van made out of bones whose engine compartment is also glowing bright blue.

Kyle

That’s so deeply upsetting. Are the wheels bone?

Lara

No, they need to have a little give, so the wheels are cartilage.

Kyle

Okay, cartilage. Yeah, cartilage, okay, perfect.

Hannah

That solves it.

Kyle

You elegantly rush into the van, and then the camera is just frantically getting after you. You could almost sense that this camera person, whoever it is, knows that, if they don’t get in fast enough, you will just leave them behind.

Lara

[Laughs.]

Emily

From behind the camera, heavy breathing.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

[Panting.] So, you guys said that now that I have my license I could drive maybe the next time. Is that still like a thing?

[Music ends.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Uh… next time. Yes, next time. Once you’ve earned our trust.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I thought maybe when… last time I thought this was the next time. I guess not, though.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Nope. In the back with you.

[laughter.]

Tom

From the backseat, who has been waiting there all along:

Tom (as HR Giger)

It’s okay, Gleep-George, you’re doing fine. Stay the course.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Grumbo, I’m taking shotgun!

[00:15:00]

Kyle

So, HR and intern to HR sit in the back, and the camera focuses on someone else who gets in behind the wheel.

Hannah

Grumbo gets in behind the wheel and looks back at Gleep-George, and with just a piercing gaze, goes:

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Mm-hmm, someday.

[Laughter.]

Hannah

You can see she does a quick glance to make sure that Elizabeth’s seatbelt is buckled and then slams the accelerator, absolutely peels out.

[Sultry piano jazz music begins.]

You can see from where the camera is that the person in the front seat… her name is Grumbo, but she’s definitely still hot. I’ll let you figure out what that means to you.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yeah, for me the name Grumbo is hot.

Hannah

[Laughs.] Just oozing sex appeal with Grumbo.

Kyle

Yeah, exactly.

Hannah

Half of Grumbo’s face dissolves into shadow and streams behind her as she peels out of this parking lot and the wind hits her hair.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Where are we all going?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Gleep-George)

So cool.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Grumbo, follow that Necromon.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Oh, okay. Yes, absolutely.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

We’re going to, uh… We’re gonna get it.

[Music changes to jazzy action.]

Lara

Elizabeth Thorne slams the ‘open the glove compartment’ button. You know, the button that opens the glove compartment.

Kyle

The one that’s made out of bone?

Lara

The one that is made out of bone. Inside the bone glove compartment, there is an actually very nicely organized little rolodex of cards. She reaches in and she flips through them with her delicate little fingers and pulls one out.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Frizador, ice I think will be beneficial in this instance.

Lara

She holds the card up dramatically in front of the camera, and her other hand begins to glisten with ice crystals as the magic sort of blurs through her in preparation.

Kyle

It’s important to note that this is a Necromon card specifically that’s being pulled out.

Lara

It is.

Kyle

I need each of you to roll me something. Grumbo, you’re gonna roll me Take Action to go fast, so that’s Fierce. Elizabeth, what are you trying to do with the ice magic?

Lara

I’m going to try to basically encase the legs of this Leggay to, you know, get it to stop, so that I can get it.

Kyle

I would say that’s probably Slick because you’re trying to trap it rather than just hurt it. So yeah, roll me Cast magic, which is a basic move that only the mage has access to.

Lara

It’s worth noting this is gonna be twice as effective as whatever it should be.

Kyle

Oh, because you’re using the move…

Lara

Magnified Magic.

Kyle

Double the effect of a different move being made by your PC. This move must be used before rolling. Alright, each of you roll. Hannah, tell me y result first, and then Lara tell me your result.

Hannah

[Rolls.] I got a 13 on Fierce.

Kyle

Shit.

Lara

Wowzers.

Kyle

You just tear down. You see a couple of people just jump out of the way as you’re speeding down the Malecón.

Emily

Gleep-George is gonna edit it later. It’s fine.

Hannah

[Laughs.]

Kyle

The Leggay is pitter-pattering as fast as it can, but its very massive body is quickly coming into frame, and that’s when you cast your spell.

Lara

[Rolls.] I cast at an 8. An 8.

Kyle

Ooh! Ooh, a mixed success. You fire magic mostly as you intended but with one complication. What I’m gonna say, because your effect is doubled, choose two drawbacks.

Lara

I’m gonna go ahead and choose that, in addition to the intended target, the magic will affect someone or something else as well, because I don't care about collateral damage. I am also going to harm myself or get exhausted in the process. I take -1 forward, however, because I don’t feel pain, I can just ignore that for a little while.

Kyle

Yeah, you can just ignore that. So, the barbs of the ice crinkle as they get stuck in your arm a little bit, but you’re so caught in the thrill, as is everybody currently on the Malecón. The whole thing is encased in ice, but Grumbo, you’re such a good driver that even as the car skids you expertly get it to a stop right in front of the Leggay which has been fully encased in ice.

[Music ends.]

Hannah (as Grumbo)

I don’t even need my net this time.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Brilliant work, Grumbo, as always.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

The ice helps me go fast.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Now let’s get out there and catch this thing. I mean, it’s already caught, but let’s figure out how to get it into the van.

[Laughter.]

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Intern!

Emily (as Gleep-George)

Yes? Yes?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

We’re getting it into the van.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

When you say we—

[00:20:00]

Hannah (as Grumbo)

I mean intern is getting it into the van.

Tom (as HR Giger)

[Soft and serious.] Go ahead, Gleep-George. Do your duty.

[Laughter.]

Emily

They stare into the distance for a second, just take a beat, and make their way out of the van, slipping on the ice.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Yes. We don’t have all the time in the world.

[Silly awkward music begins.]

Emily

Gleep-George is going to throw himself upon the Necromon.

Kyle

Which by the way, just so you know for future reference, Lara, is the Muscles element.

Lara

Ooh.

Emily

And attempt to gain traction on the ice with his little feet trying to pull it into the van.

Kyle

You just stand there trying really, really hard to move the giant mon, but you’re not getting anywhere. It’s gonna take a while.

Emily

They’re trying so hard.

Kyle

Trying so hard.

Emily

They need this on their resume.

Kyle

Even with this cheap B-movie filter, the icy Leggay still shines against the winter sun. It is freezing to the touch. You know when the tongue gets stuck to a pole, an icy pole? That’s just your entire body as you’re trying to push back.

Tom

[Pained.] No.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Lift with your legs, Gleep-George!

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I’m pushing with my everything.

Emily

Gleep-George will take off his shoes to attempt to gain better traction, regret it, and put them back on.

Lara

I cannot imagine that working.

Kyle

Oh, you can’t put them back on. You’re stuck.

Emily

No~!

Hannah

Grumbo is definitely taking every opportunity to say to Elizabeth:

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Look at this guy. They think their feet are gonna be grippier than shoes.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

Does anybody have some salt, or sand, or cat litter?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

If you’re looking for grit, you’re supposed to look within.

Lara

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I don’t have cat litter or sand or salt within. I don’t have grit within. I’m so tired.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

I don’t know how you’re expecting to get college credit for just asking everyone else to solve your problems for you.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

I’m reasonably sure I do have a litter elemental in here somewhere, I just don’t think that would play for the camera, so it just doesn’t feel worth it.

Hannah

[Laughs.] Ew.

Tom (as HR Giger)

[Clears his throat.] Boss, there’s something you want to see.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

I’m sorry? HR? What?

[Music ends.]

Tom

HR Giger will just creepily extend a hand from the backseat with a phone screen and show a text stating that the group has been invited to a public school to educate some children, specifically where all of the missing Ultra mon are.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Oh… Oh! Oh-ho, I think this Leggay is no longer a pertinent interest. Also, it’s going to stay frozen there for like a week, so we can come back later.

Tom (as HR Giger)

We’ll edit it in post.

Emily

Gleep-George is on his hands and knees with his head tucked down, trying to push with his back, and he pauses, quietly weeping.

Tom (as HR Giger)

Return to us, Gleep-George. There is other business to attend to.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I think I was moving him a little bit.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

You weren’t, but um… initiative, you know. Good show of effort, sort of, not really.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I’ll bring sand back later.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

If there is a later. You’re hanging by a thread, Gleep-George. Anyway. Grumbo, shall we away?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Yes we shall.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Hannah

Probably as Gleep-George is getting one foot into the van, I’m flooring it. Maybe Gleep-George is just waving like a banner behind the van as I drive into the sunset towards the school.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

I’m so excited. I’m so excited to see the mage playbook in action, because that was a playbook that I made and I was like I’m never gonna use this. Then you come in like “I wanna be a mage,” and I’m like god damn it, alright, let’s trial by fire.

Lara

[Smiling.] I wanna make things hard on everyone!

Kyle

One second, I’ll be back.

Hannah

Okay, great. I can just sit on this absolute gold mine that I have teed up.

Tom

Yes.

Hannah

Absolutely perfect. Everyone will love it.

[00:25:00]

Lara

I love it already.

Kyle

Smooth jazz just started playing out of a radio in this room out of nowhere. Oh my god, it started again. I’m pausing it and I’m unplugging it. I’ll be back.

Hannah

I love that it’s like—

Kyle

[At a distance.] Get out of here, smooth jazz! I don’t want you!

Hannah

It’s like forced elevator hold music.

Tom

I see nothing wrong with this. This is an absolute win for the production.

Hannah

If Girl from Ipanema started playing randomly for me, I would lose my mind so quickly. Just…

[Hums the song.] That would kill me.

Kyle

I’ve killed the music and I don’t regret it. What is your Necromon?

Kyle

As you’re chasing the whale, which looks very, very innocent, a little Grumbo’s Tips subtitle thing appears. It says: “Leggay are very similar to whales which, while they may look innocent, are ferocious creatures who are prophesized to explode from a volcano and flood the world again someday.” That is foreshadowing that I put in a previous episode, and I just want to occasionally remind people that the whale-pocalypse is in fact coming.

Hannah

Next to the little Grumbo’s Tips, maybe there’s a little chibi Grumbo winking animation.

[laughter.]

Kyle

And yet somehow, instead of being cute, it’s just hot as well. It’s a very hot chibi.

Hannah

[Laughs.]

Quest Friends!

Future in a Flash