36. The Lich's Shadow (Part 2)

The ScubaCorp Spacescraper looms over the Valley like the corpse of a titan. Inside of that, an Undertaker, a man in khaki pants, an aloha shirt and sunglasses, is sitting there on his phone.

Kyle (as Ron-13)

[Chuckling.] Oh-no, oh man, they got that Leggay. Am I right, Ron-12?

Kyle (as Ron-12)

You’re right there, Ron-13, they sure got it. Hey, aren’t we supposed to be in that Titenic museum?

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Oh yeah, let’s get on that.

Kyle

The two of them turn off the phone and stand up.

[Whimsical ghostly music plays.]

As they stand up from the ScubaCorp Spacescraper security center, we see ghostly faceless beings wearing only black and white formal clothing just floating around them and swarming over the entirety of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper almost like maggots feasting on its discarded remains.

Emily

Did they just kill all the employees of ScubaCorp? What do you mean there’s things that come when there’s dead bodies?

Kyle

[Grinning.] The employees are like maggots on a corpse, and the corpse is ScubaCorp. The corpse is not the ScubaCorp employees.

Emily

[Giggles.] I’m sorry. I misunderstood.

Kyle

They’re just fired. They just don’t have jobs. Some of them might be corpses, but that’s unrelated to the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement taking over ScubaCorp.

We can also see that all of ScubaCorp’s things in the Valley, the Intermortal Necromon Dueling signs have been hastily taken down and pasted over with just standard signs, there’s no real event going on, getting over to cool new things. You know, I hear that sockball is really popular nowadays, so maybe there are some signs for that, but ScubaCorp is nowhere to be found, its presence almost completely wiped from the Valley with the exception of this giant corpse of a building… and the junkyard graveyard.

[Music changes to mystical Necromon music.]

In the Valley, there is a graveyard that is a junkyard. There are a couple of neat things there. There is a mausoleum that leads to the Dallas Forth Worth Intermortal Thereport. There is a van, a very hip 70s van, right next to a trailer home. In this graveyard junkyard, there is also a building, a small one-story indoor mall that used to be really, really alive but now is not even visited by the dead. We can see that there are a series of mon just kind of walking around. In fact, there’s one Necromon, a little paper towel holder, sadly hopping along.

Hannah (as Towell)

Le-wot…

[Snickering.]

Kyle

It looks faint. It’s white and misty with its shape being made out of this river of blue light, and it has a little card, a little Necrocard that it just carries around with it as it sadly hops in the mall.

Hannah (as Towell)

Le-wot? Le-wot…

Kyle

And the towel, whose name we mess up multiple times this episode, in a panic suddenly hops away…

Hannah (as Towell)

Le-wot.

Kyle

…as a hand reaches out to it and then goes back.

[Music ends.]

Vice Principal Seth Keyhole looks to all of the kids that are here in this junkyard mall on a field trip and says:

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Well now, children, that is a sign of how not to do it.

[00:05:00]

[Silly pompous music begins.]

As you can see, to help these injured mon we must be… less violent than we are used to—yes, less violent indeed.

Hannah (as Towell)

[Distraught.] Le-wot.

Kyle

Walnut raises daer hand.

Kyle (as Walnut)

But Mr. Keyhole, we’re the Dueling Club. Fighting is what we do.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Well maybe that’s why he brought us here, to try something else.

Kyle (as Walnut)

That’s silly now, Freddie, that’s silly. Right, Mr. Keyhole?

Kyle

Mr. Keyhole is just looking back and forth.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Yes, the uh… our young friend—

Kyle

Freddie doesn’t have a last name, and Seth Keyhole only says last names, so I’ll say…

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Our young friend here who, uh…

Kyle

He looks through his sheet.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

…is, as I understand, not part of the Dueling Club.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Oh, no, he’s with me. I’m his host sibling. So, uh…

Kyle (as Freddie)

We’re allowed to come along on events like this.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh, right, of course, as was per the rules. Well, this young man here is in fact correct. I thought it would be a great opportunity to show you a gentler side of Necromon Training. Well, the experts that I brought in insisted that here was the best place, so…

Kyle

And he looks back at this mall which is completely dead and has a bunch of mon that look kind of faded and injured like the other one, just sadly meandering around. It’s at this point that I want everyone to Paint the Scene for me. I want all of you to describe one way that this mall is exceptionally dead or exceptionally dangerous.

[Music ends.]

Tom

At some of the former outlets, you can still see the skeletons of people who were left inside when that grate was pulled down over the store.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Oh no.

Tom

Just clawing at it from within.

Kyle

Oh my god! Oh wow, that raises an interesting question, because when you die your soul and body separate, which means that someone could be a skeleton type of dead and also just have a skeleton body, or someone could be a ghost and still have the skeleton. Ooh. Ooh! That’s fascinating. Okay, yeah, I love that.

Emily

You know those moving walkways like they have at airports?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

They’re there, and they’re still running, but they run very erratically, like in short spurts, and sometimes they go the other direction just briefly.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay.

Lara

At some point an overhead fluorescent light fixture has collapsed down onto a decorative water fountain, and that whole area is just sort of sparking and sputtering nonstop. In front of it someone has put one orange cone with a piece of paper taped onto it that just says “careful.”

[Laughter.]

Tom

I’m glad we’re making this an actual deathtrap.

Kyle

After a second, that cone pops up and a little snail Necromon which has taken it as its new home just starts slinking away with the warning sign.

Hannah

So cute.

Kyle

Alright, Hannah, what’s the last?

Hannah

I think there’s a lot of abandoned stores. Right? You can see what they might have been in their heyday once, but I think a weird number of them, like more than one and also a lot more than one, were clearly similar to a Hot Topic in a way that makes you sort of wonder what demo this mall was going after. Then, also, it means that just around you could get a studded belt anywhere just laying on the ground. There’s just a lot of studded belts everywhere because there’s too many Hot Topics.

Kyle

I was gonna say, you just want a studded belt, don’t you.

Hannah

I just want every character to have the option!

Kyle

Grumbo appears. Her next appearance, she just has 15 studded belts.

Hannah

Yes, they’re just all around my arms and legs.

Kyle

So Irene, that is where you, all the other members of the Necromon Dueling Club, and Freddie find yourself on this fine afternoon.

Emily

Irene is pretending not to care as much as she does. She’s leaned back a little bit, her arms are crossed, she’s looking around excitedly but she’s got her head tilted down so people can’t see it.

Kyle

Walnut pops behind one of your shoulders.

[Upbeat silly music begins.]

Kyle (as Walnut)

Well hey there, Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

[Startled.] Hello, Walnut.

Kyle (as Walnut)

I haven’t seen you around a lot lately at lunch. What’s been going on?

Emily (as Irene)

I’ve been busy.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Oh, okay. I just thought you and Juniper could talk tactics, because like, you’ve got a plan for this. Right? The two pros, you and her, being like—

[00:10:00]

Emily (as Irene)

Ha! I wouldn’t say it’s two pros, I would say it is me and then it is one novice looking to be a pro.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Haha! No, we’re talking about Juniper, not—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

Walnut’s eyes go dark.

Kyle (as Walnut)

You know. Uh, so…

[Music returns.]

Whatcha got? Where’s your mon? What’s going on with your mon? Are you gonna pull them out, like…? Are they hiding? Are they hiding somewhere in secret?

Emily (as Irene)

I have learned that they are rogue agents and they do what they will.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Oh. Uh, okay. Well, I’m sure they’ll be fine. Yeah.

Emily (as Irene)

Obviously. We’ve trained well.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Wow, you must have a lot of faith with your Necromon.

Emily (as Irene)

Of course I do. They are the best.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Some of the best. Juniper’s mon are pretty good—

Emily (as Irene)

They are the best!

Kyle (as Walnut)

Do you remember that thing they did where there were two of them and then there was one of them and then they blocked Mallea’s attack? That was so cool. Juniper is so cool. I don't know how she got to our school. She’s gotta be this really cool type of dead. So much is going on, you know?

Emily

Irene stares into the void.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Actually, I wonder where Juniper is.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh. I hear that she actually invited her host sister along, so they’re coming together.

Kyle

Walnut’s eyes darken again.

Kyle (as Walnut)

… Oh.

[Music ends.]

Emily

Irene was about to ask who her host sister was, but then she realized that she was going to ask something about Juniper and shuts her mouth again.

Kyle

I want you to roll me Convince Somebody with Slick.

Tom

Is Irene convincing herself in this roll?

Emily

Obviously!

[Rolls.] Nine. I’m so convincing.

Kyle

Something is preventing them from doing what you want, they ask for something in return, they make one inconvenient misunderstanding, or they are temporarily upset with you.

Emily

This is for Freddie?

Kyle

You are convincing Freddie. I was having you roll to see if Freddie would figure out what the question was without you finishing asking it.

Emily

They make an inconvenient misunderstanding.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I wanna know what Freddie misunderstands.

Kyle

He thinks you don’t like Juniper.

Emily

Well obviously I don’t.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh! Well, I know you and Juniper have your hard times, but her host sister might actually help with that.

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t need help from anyone, with anything.

Kyle (as Freddie)

Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we can go someplace else, can’t we, Hilda?

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And that’s when Hilda is just there.

Tom (as Hilda)

Um… hi.

Emily (as Irene)

Hello, Hilda. I see you are back at Dueling Club.

Tom (as Hilda)

Just as a guest. Juniper said she wanted me along. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to come, but if we’re going out to see Necromon, that’s pretty cool.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That’s right! Hilda knows all about all kinds of Necromon. She has all these magazines about wild Necromon and stuff that they do. It’s really, really, really interesting!

[Silly ghostly music begins.]

Kyle

Juniper appears out of fucking nowhere.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ve introduced you two yet, have I?

Emily (as Irene)

We know each other. Hilda is my rival.

Tom (as Hilda)

Mm-hmm. We met last year.

Emily (as Irene)

Hilda is in temporary retirement, but I’m sure she will be back soon.

Tom

She will awkwardly look down at her feet and scuff one shoe along the ground, just kicking a broken piece of glass that happens to be here in the mall.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That is so cool. You should come hang out at our table sometime for lunch.

Emily

Irene’s face gets very, very red.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m busy.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Freddie)

Irene used to go with us to lunch a lot, but yeah, she says she’s really busy. Don’t worry, it’s not because of any, like, bad feelings towards you or anything like that.

Emily

Irene’s shoulders are creeping up towards her ears and she is just beet red.

Emily (as Irene)

I’m very busy, with lots of stuff.

Kyle (as Juniper)

I understand that! I’m very busy too, you know, with all of my—Ow.

Kyle

She makes a pained voice as she almost seems to get punched in the side from her messenger bag. She just freezes up and blushes a little bit.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Uh… stuff! That’s why we’re late. I held up Hilda. I’m sorry about that, Hilda. I couldn’t find Booker anywhere.

Tom (as Hilda)

No-no, it’s okay. It’s not your responsibility to look for him.

[Music ends.]

Tom

Hilda is just looking back and forth between Irene and Juniper, like, loading screen not fully clicking for Hilda’s brain yet what’s going on here.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

Anyway. I think we’re on a field trip so we should pay attention.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Alright, children, come around, come around. Our guests are a little bit…

Emily (as Irene)

[Under her breath.] I’m not a child.

Hannah

Cool. Awesome. Hot.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Our guests are a little bit late, so—

Emily (as Gleep-George)

Um, actually.

[Silly awkward music begins.]

Emily

Gleep-George will tug at the vice principal’s sleeve.

[00:15:00]

Emily (as Gleep-George)

They’re here, it’s just that they’re waiting for the right moment, but I think that they would prefer you not to, um, say something negative like “late.” It’s just, you know, for PR purposes. We don’t like to throw those—

Tom (as HR Giger)

Gleep-George, you’re too close to the center of the frame.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

Sorry! Sorry.

Tom (as HR Giger)

Step two steps to the left. Excellent.

Kyle

Seth just looks at you, HR.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh, am I too close to the frame? Should I scooch—

Tom (as HR Giger)

Oh, you’re fine, sir. Don’t worry about a thing.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh, okay.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

It’s just me. I’m never at the right place.

Tom (as HR Giger)

We’re simply the support staff. The real talent is elsewhere.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Ah. I didn’t know that we hired support staff.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

Not for you.

Hannah

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Well then, for whom…?

[Music changes to dramatic wrestler introduction music.]

Hannah

Grumbo is going to summersault into the hallway where everyone’s standing, drop a smoke bomb, and then just sort of do Vanna White arms, waiting.

Lara

Elizabeth runs out, arms up, holding a staff in one hand which itself is glowing with Necrotech potentiality, and then just sort of tosses a couple little fireballs up into the air.

Emily

Would you have wanted Gleep-George to step back slightly into the crowd and start slow-clapping to try to get everyone clapping for you?

Lara

Yeah, absolutely, 100%.

Emily

Okay! He’s definitely gonna get that going. He might be the only one clapping and nobody else understands what’s going on, but he is doing his best.

Kyle

Juniper is confused, but pretty quickly she starts clapping too.

Tom

Hilda will awkwardly start to clap as well.

Emily

Irene does nothing. Her face does not change. She continues to stand there with her arms crossed.

Kyle

All the kids start cheering, and they start getting loud as they come on the stage. How are you feeling, Hilda and Irene?

[Music ends with the sounds of a crowd cheering.]

Tom

Hilda has actually never watched a ghost hunter show before in her life. She has no idea who these people are or what they are doing.

Emily

Irene, like myself when I was young, has deeply internalized the “not like other girls” idea, so she doesn’t watch TV.

Hannah

That’s how you know you have value.

Kyle

But as you said in the chat, she has absolutely no feelings at all for these two attractive and powerful women, one of whom is “hot” as literally the description—not description of how she is hot, just that she is hot.

Hannah

[Giggling.] Yeah!

Kyle

The two of you go onstage. I think you can just take this over, because Vice President Keyhole winces a bit at the flames.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Well, that’s awfully violent.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

No-no, man, it’s fine, it’s fine.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Oh? Oh!

Kyle

Since you said that, that means he accidentally got backed into the crowd of children, and they are so riled up he cannot get onto the stage. You literally have a captive audience.

Lara

My favorite kind! So yeah, I’m gonna slam my staff to the ground, I’m gonna get into my power pose. Grumbo, I have to assume that you will come in and power pose next to me. You know, not too close, but…

Hannah

I know my levels. Right? I’m never trying to take up the same amount of air space as you, but I will be, like, around your knees just skulking and glaring at anyone trying to talk while you are.

Lara

[Laughs.]

[Semi-silly ghostly piano music begins.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

That’s right, it’s Elizabeth Thorne!

Hannah (as Grumbo)

… Clap. Clap.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Gleep-George, clap. Start the clap again.

Kyle

Juniper pops in and the crowd gets excited again. Even Seth Keyhole is doing a very formal clap.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Enough!

Lara

I say, with a dramatic wave of my arm.

Hannah

[Delighted.] Asking for applause just to shout “enough” is just so good!

Kyle

I also know that Gleep-George would probably, like… all the children stop but Gleep-George just keeps clapping a little bit.

Emily

Oh yeah, he does it a little too long at any one point. Most people when they clap it’s like, (steady clap), like it’s relatively even. Gleep-George does not do that. (random staggered claps)

[Music ends.]

Lara

I just point my staff at Gleep-George and I shake my head slowly.

Emily

He does two thumbs up.

Lara

Slam the staff onto the stage again.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Kids! … Hello. How are we doing today? Having a wonderful time here at this… mall, I guess?

Emily (as student)

This mall smells of death.

Emily

A child says.

[Laughter.]

[00:20:00]

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Good. Stop talking.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

That’s how you know we’re in good Necromon hunting grounds. A true Necromon hunter can… (sniff-sniff) sniff them out.

Kyle

Gleep-George, you might have paid attention to the small child who clapped immediately with you, because she’s your rock at this point, man.

Emily

She’s doing my job but better.

Kyle

When Juniper hears “hunter,” she gets a deep frown and she starts fiddling with her messenger bag a little bit.

Emily

Irene also doesn’t look thrilled.

Tom

Hilda’s also looking at this with now narrowed eyes.

Kyle

Seth Keyhole’s eyes are wide. He heard the word hunter and he’s sweating bullets at this point.

Tom (as HR Giger)

Oh no, it’s a lawsuit incoming. Not again.

Kyle

[Laughs.] “Their nonviolent activity was the most violent one of all.”

Hannah

Onstage, Grumbo is just running her big net through her hands.

Kyle

Seductively, in front of these five- to 18-year-olds.

Emily

Some of them are of age.

Hannah

That’s not what it’s about. It’s a row sexuality. If that’s how you’re interpreting it, then that’s what’s happening, but Grumbo’s just doing Grumbo.

Kyle

Grumbo’s doing Grumbo for Grumboself.

Hannah

Exactly.

Kyle

For grumself. Anyways, I’ll let you continue.

[Music returns.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Now I couldn’t help but notice as I was, uh… watching from around the corner, that your esteemed vice principal here completely failed to capture a simple Towell. [Chuckles.]

Lara

And I hop down from the stage and I give Keyhole a slap on the back as if we are just joyous comrades.

Hannah

Old chums.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Beautiful show of subcompetence to set me up. Thank you kindly.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

He just nods.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Of course. Yes. Children, see? I was just showing, uh… setting up for the experts. That’s what you can tell your parents and the principal and the superintendent.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Yes, letting everyone know that sometimes a proper Necromon capture does require a little bit of outside the box thinking. Now, often the direct attack is best as my lovely comrade here, Grumbo, can demonstrate. Grumbo, can you do me a favor? Do you see that little snail beneath the orange cone? Can you show these children an example of your finest netsmanship?

Tom (as student)

[Nasally.] I thought the power of friendship was the best way to capture Necromon.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

It isn’t.

[Laughter.]

Hannah

Grumbo looks at the yellow cone out of the side of her eyes.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

This one?

Hannah

And then just whips one hand out to try and net it as fast as possible.

Kyle

I want you to roll… you’re gonna do Keep Your Cool, because you’re trying to do it with elegance and panache, so that’s gonna be +Slick, and you do get advantage because you are using your net.

Hannah

So that is then…

[Rolls.] One plus 4 plus 3 is 10. Eleven? Eight?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You get advantage, so take the top three—roll three dice and take the results of the top two, and then add 3. Did you do that?

Hannah

[Rolls.] Four, plus 5, plus 3, would be… 12.

Kyle

Twelve, so you do it.

Hannah

Suck on that!

Kyle

Describe how you catch this cone mon.

[Music ends.]

Hannah

Grumbo catches this mon as well as I can’t add.

Lara

[Laughs.]

Hannah

So, all of the adding that I’m unable to do, Grumbo has catching abilities in spades. Grumbo’s hand whips out and, almost akin to what you might expect to see from an old west lassoing move, scooped up into the net is squiggling little snail.

Kyle

And yet, the snail which is now gonna be Squiggle, that’s gonna be its name, the Squiggle is squiggling. It’s been disconnected a bit from the cone, it’s struggling a bit, and just like the other ones it’s faint and it has those lines of blue light inside of the mist forming its form, and it has a Necrocard that has a lot of dust and trash on it as if someone just threw it into the junkyard and it ended up in this mall.

Lara

I have a quick question for you about Squiggle. What element does Squiggle have at its disposal and is it Slime?

Tom

It’s gotta be Slime.

Kyle

It’s gotta be Slime. Yeah, Squiggle is Slime, but Squiggle is pretty dry. Its element is Slime, but it looks like it’s sad and it’s dry.

[00:25:00]

Hannah

You hate to see it. Grumbo is holding it in the net like how someone might hold a goldfish at a county fair, just ready for children to be impressed.

Emily

Irene looks decidedly unimpressed.

Hannah

Grumbo ignores Irene.

Kyle

Juniper also looks very unimpressed. Gleep-George, you can see that your anchor, your lifeline, seems to be starting to move out of the crowd.

Emily

Gleep-George finds himself deeply distressed and almost goes to ask this child to come back, but he realizes that he needs to zoom in on Grumbo.

Kyle

Gleep-George needs to believe in themself but also mostly Grumbo.

Hannah

[Smiling.] Exactly.

Emily

No, you don’t understand, Gleep-George does believe in Grumbo.

Hannah

All of the new hire paperwork made sure that Gleep-George was signing things to that effect.

Kyle

How is Hilda feeling?

Tom

Hilda feels like the sketchiness just keeps rising the further these people speak to the crowd. She is slowly trying to make her way over to Irene, and then maybe if she can find Juniper and Freddie and Walnut, to be like “um…”

Emily

Irene raises her hand.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

We’re saving all questions to the end, thank you very much.

Emily (as Irene)

I have a question now, actually.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

… Anyway. As I was about to demonstrate, the direct approach is often effective, but sometimes we need to be a little, uh… You can put your hand down, dear. A little sideways!

[Laughter.]

Lara

I am going to continue ignoring that hand.

Hannah

Grumbo is shooting daggers.

Kyle

Hilda’s hand goes up, too.

Lara

I’m going to gently grab at this Squiggle and I’m going to turn towards where that lone little Towell is hopping around…

Hannah (as Towell)

Le-wot…?

Lara

…and I’m gonna Use Magic.

Kyle

[Grinning.] What kind of magic are you using?

Lara

I’m just gonna blast it with slime and hope it gets stuck.

Hannah (as Towell)

Le-wot?!

Kyle

Roll me +Fierce.

Lara

[Rolls.] That is 9, 10, 11… 12!

Kyle

Alright. You cast your magic perfectly.

[Sinister music begins.]

The little Squiggle, we just hear (squeaky distressed sounds), it starts making pained squiggly sounds as it is forced back into the card. The card itself starts to crinkle, and blue light goes from it across Elizabeth’s arms until her other hand has slime magic. How do you shoot out the slime magic?

Lara

You know what? I’m gonna just sort of form a freaking dodgeball in my hand and then just hurl it forward to slam the Towell.

Kyle

It hits the towel, and it’s stuck.

Hannah (as Towell)

Le-wot!

Kyle

And the children are silent.

Hannah

Grumbo looks at Irene and Hilda.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Does that answer your questions?

Emily (as Irene)

Boo!

Tom (as Hilda)

Actually, I have a few more questions now.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Nope!

Emily (as Irene)

That’s not how our club works.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Well, that’s how things work in the real world, darling.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Yeah, we’re grownups.

[Laughter. Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

What a comically evil grownup thing to say. “Yeah, we’re grownups.”

Tom

Hilda’s just going to say:

[Music returns.]

Tom (as Hilda)

How did you do that? Drawing on the card like that.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

[Chuckles.] Well, I’m Elizabeth Thorne, child. You’ve heard of me?

Tom (as Hilda)

No.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Maybe this one was born yesterday. [Chuckles.]

Tom (as Hilda)

What are you from? You’re not on TubeYou. I’ve never seen you once in a video of anything or read about you in a book.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Your algorithm sucks.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Yeah, you’re reading the wrong books, baby.

Emily (as Irene)

Have you been published in any peer-reviewed Necromon-related journals?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Children, there’s no need to keep pestering Ms. Thorne and Ms. Grumbo there.

Hannah

Grumbo hisses at the children.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Hilda’s just slowly doing the clenching her fist like the Archer meme and is just going to quietly use Declare Guilty on Elizabeth Thorne.

Kyle

That gives you +1 against her, ongoing, right?

Tom

Correct.

Lara

I love it. It’s beautiful and I deserve it.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

[00:30:00]

Kyle

[Speaking fast and stumbling.] Hello and welcome to the announcement—

[Sputters.] Hello and welcome to the announcement break for The Lich’s Shadow, Part 2 out of 3! Thank you again to Hannah and Lara for being wonderfully delicious villains for this adventure.

If you’re interested in their stuff, Hannah is making art and trouble in Baltimore. Find her at @wicked.glint on Instagram where posts the weird stuff that she makes. Meanwhile, Lara is a semi-retired game designer who mostly works at a library these days. You can still get her weird little games at GlaiveGuisarme.com or follow her on Bluesky where she also goes by Glaive… the word I should have looked up the pronunciation for. Check the description below for all of those links!

[Game show music begins.]

Down there you’re also going to find a link to Dungeons & Drimbus which you should already be listening to because we put up the first episode of their new season last week. That’s right, Dungeons & Drimbus are the people behind Yes Chef, the actual play that combines Hell’s Kitchen and John Wick. And, I mean, that should be enough. That should be enough of an argument. It’s on our feed. Go listen to it there and listen to the rest of the episodes at Drimbus.com, or you know, just go straight to Drimbus.com and listen to all the episodes of Yes Chef. It is an extremely fun premise, a great cast, a great show.

I have now given you many links to check in the description, so I’m not gonna give you any of our own. Our call to action is to check out Hannah, Lara, or Dungeons & Drimbus. Pick your poison. Which one are you most interested in?

[Music ends.]

That’s all I’ve got for you this week. We will see you next time for The Lich’s Shadow, Part 3. Until then, you can find additional podcasts, outtakes, and short stories at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Wrestler intro music carries out of the announcements.]

Emily

Gleep-George is looking very pleadingly at these children.

Tom

Unfortunately, Gleep-George has now drawn attention to himself, so now Hilda’s like:

Tom (as Hilda)

What do you know about all this, huh?

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I don't know anything. I’m just the intern.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Gleep-George, we don’t talk to the children!

Emily (as Gleep-George)

I’m not… I can’t talk to you.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Gleep-George, we don’t talk to the talent either! Silence. Silencio. Thank you.

[Laughter.]

You, first child, more annoying child.

Kyle

Which one is she pointing to?

Lara

Um… they’re both most annoying child. I’m gonna say Irene.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Most annoying child!

Lara

I say to Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes?

Lara (as Elizabeth)

No, I have not been published in any peer-reviewed journals because my peers are idiots. My “peers,” quote, are no peers of mine. I am more powerful, more intelligent, more adept and more decorated than any of them could hope to be.

Emily (as Irene)

Do you find that hampers your credibility?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Do you find that having your nose stuck up academia’s butt hampers your ability to smell cool things happening near you?

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Now, Ms. Grumbo—

Emily (as Irene)

No, I don’t.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

[Defeated.] Okay.

Hannah

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Alright, uh… maybe I can call a bus back.

Emily

Did they just leave us all here?

Tom

Oh no.

Emily

No plan to evacuate this junkyard and this abandoned mall?

Hannah

He’s so good at his job.

Kyle

This is a Saturday, and to ensure the school has an accurate budget, the school buses are put out to do bachelorette parties on Saturday nights—on Saturday afternoons and evenings.

Emily

They sent us on a field trip on a Saturday?!

Kyle

It’s a club trip.

Tom

Oh dear.

Hannah

Absolutely horrifying implications of what children might find between the seats during the week.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Don’t worry, Seth has it in the parental agreement.

Hannah

Oh, so not really good at cleaning up, just sort of “this may happen.”

Kyle

They cannot be sued for any penises or penis paraphernalia that may in fact be found.

Hannah

That’s beautiful. I love sex ed in this land.

Kyle

Anyways. Where were we? How did we get here?

[00:35:00]

Tom

Seth Keyhole was desperately trying to recall a bus.

Lara

I’ve been pulled into an argument with a literal child.

Hannah

[Laughing.] Yeah, immediately.

Lara

So, I’m doing my best.

Kyle

You’re doing great. How is that argument going, actually?

Lara

Um… it’s going great. Thank you.

Emily

I feel like we both think we’re winning.

Lara

Yeah.

Kyle

I want both of you to roll Convince Somebody, and I want you to do Fierce because you’re arguing with each other.

Tom

Ooh, yes.

Lara

[Rolls.] Ooh, that’s an 8.

Kyle

Okay, that’s an 8. Alright, Emily, you have to get higher than 8.

Emily

[Rolls.] What if I tied?

Kyle

What are your Fierce stats?

Lara

Three.

Emily

Three.

Hannah

Ha!

Kyle

What are your skills?

Lara

Performance… and pain tolerance.

Hannah

[Splutters.] I don’t think I’ve heard you say those next to each other before.

Emily

Multitasking and gardening. You know what, multitasking… you have to keep track of a lot of things when you’re arguing.

Tom

I would like to Take One for the Team to raise Irene to a 10.

Kyle

How does Hilda take one for the team? Do I hold a hard move or do I have to do it immediately?

Tom

You can hold it for whenever you wish to use it against me.

Kyle

Okay, perfect. How do you help Irene? You can see people are thinking, and even Walnut’s kind of like:

Kyle (as Walnut)

Well, I mean, what she did was pretty cool, so…

Tom

Hilda is gonna become Irene’s hype-woman in the crowd. Though it may not be reasoned debate, she is going to be louder than even these reality TV stars.

Kyle

And yeah, the kids start getting excited. I don’t remember what Irene’s point is, so I don't think they do either.

Emily

They haven’t been published in any Necromon-related academic journals.

Kyle (as children)

Not published in any academic journals!

Kyle

That’s not much of a—

[Laughter.]

Emily

Academia! Academia!

Tom

Hilda is alternating between “Irene” shouts just to get people’s attention focused on the important thing.

Several

Irene! Irene! Irene!

Tom

And then occasionally throwing in a propaganda slogan, like, “books rule…”

Emily

Hunters drool.

Tom

“…hunters drool.” Yeah, let’s go with that.

Kyle (as children)

Books rule, hunters drool! Yeah!

Kyle

The kids start riling up and clapping. Seth is putting his hand on the phone and looking back at the children, worried.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

Come now. Oh, actually, that is a good slogan, but maybe don’t chant it at our guests, children. No, not you, please get here as quickly as you can.

Kyle

He says, going back to the phone.

Kyle (as Keyhole)

I don't care how many bachelorettes you have on.

Lara

I would like to do something cruel, friends.

Kyle

Yeah, hit me.

Lara

I have the ability to, once per adventure, just automatically get a full success on attempting to Understand a thing.

Kyle

Yeah. Yeah.

Lara

And that, if I recall correctly, allows me to ask a simple question about a target. The simple question that I would like to ask is: What is Irene most embarrassed about?

Kyle

That unfortunately would be See Into Their Heart, not Understand.

Lara

Ah.

Kyle

However, I believe Grumbo has stuff for See Into Their Heart.

Hannah

Grumbo does, and Grumbo would love to help.

Lara

[Claps excitedly.]

Kyle

What do you have, Grumbo?

Hannah

I am able to roll Slick for See Into Their Heart with the move Everyone’s a Mark.

Emily

I like that we’re staring each other down and then we’ve got our two hype-women in the background.

Hannah

[Rolls.] Grumbo is glaring at this child and angrily wipes some drool from her mouth that was there already, and she’s very embarrassed that this child called attention to it. I rolled a… 4, plus 5, plus 3, which is 12. So, I think I slink up behind Elizabeth Thorne so I can whisper in her ear what I have observed.

Kyle

What is the question?

Hannah

What is she most embarrassed by? I’m looking for a weak spot.

Kyle

Irene, you have to answer truthfully to that.

Hannah

Yeah, because I rolled real good.

Kyle

You cannot lie by omission either. You have to answer truthfully.

Emily

Yeah. So, she’s most embarrassed about being young.

Hannah

Okay, perfect. Grumbo, just glaring at this child, goes back behind Elizabeth and is like:

Hannah (as Grumbo)

She thinks she’s a little adult, doesn’t she? But she’s not, she’s a child~

Kyle

She is 12. She’s in fact one year younger than everyone else in her class.

Lara

And so I’m going to listen to the helpful advice Grumbo’d into my ear…

Hannah

[Giggles.]

Emily

[Amused.] Grumbo’d.

Lara

…and sort of hull myself up and take a step back and say to Grumbo, out loud so that everyone can hear:

[00:40:00]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

You know, Grumbo, I tire of this 10-year-old moppet.

[Villainous music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

[Gasps.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

Don’t you think maybe we should concentrate on what the adults in the room have to say?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

I believe so.

Lara

I say this indicating literally the other children.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene is speechless with anger. She is beside herself. She can’t even make noises. She’s just opening and closing her mouth.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Yeah, congrats on hitting double digits, pipsqueak.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Quit being mean to my friend!

Emily (as Irene)

I don’t need your help, Hilda.

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Also, no, I won’t stop.

Tom

Hilda’s gonna take out what looks like a non-inflated balloon and start blowing it up.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

I’m sorry, is this supposed to be threatening? Are we threatened by this?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Um, boss, balloon animals are pretty spooky.

Emily

Indeed, Gleep-George is looking very concerned. He’s edging away a little bit. He’s holding the camera still where it needs to be, but he’s moving his body as far away from Hilda as he can.

Tom

As it gets longer, Hilda’s going to start tying it off and turn it into a long balloon axe.

Kyle

Tom, I think for this section, because you’ve brought it up a few times and Booker isn’t here, I will let that axe count as your Signature Item for this session.

Tom

Ooh, fancy.

Kyle

Yeah, so this child makes a balloon axe while staring daggers at you.

Lara (as Elizabeth)

I’m still honestly not sure if I should be threatened, but this is an interesting turn of events.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

[Shaky.] No-no, listen, I don’t think you understand. You should be very threatened. Have you seen that thing?

Hannah (as Grumbo)

Have you seen us?

Lara (as Elizabeth)

It’s a balloon.

Emily (as Gleep-George)

Have you ever tried to fight a balloon?

[Music swells on a tense note before ending.]

Hannah (as Grumbo)

… No.

[Laughter.]

Lara (as Elizabeth)

But the day is young!

Kyle

Here is where the hard move comes in.

Tom

Oh no.

Kyle

There is a loud screech. Glass shatters on everyone as a skylight is broken over by the foggy silhouette of a giant dragon with deep blue skin and piercing white eyes.

Emily (as Irene)

[In awe.] White-Eyes Blue Dragon!

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Kyle

And with a roar, White-Eyes Blue Dragon, the one that was freed from Oset Scuba’s collection, slams on top of Hilda and screeches at all of the children. I think it’s time for a Confrontation.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

One of the skeletons, however, is moving though.

Kyle (as Lionel)

I’m not sure how to get out of this. Oh, I know, I’ll text Quique! I’ll invite him to something fun. He’ll let me out of this.

Kyle

For people listening, Hannah is just dancing this entire time. Imagine someone just moving their arms—

Emily

Miming the net.

Kyle

Yeah. Just imagine someone having a grand old Vanna White time.

Hannah

Yeah!

Kyle

But like, not ‘still’ like Vanna is when she gets in the pose, like constantly trying a new pose.

Hannah

[Giggles.]

Tom

Just nonstop voguing over here.

Tom

No one’s told him yet those agreements don’t hold up very well in court.

Kyle

Yeah, no, no one’s told him, but no parent has yet to challenge him. The closest a parent ever got was Alina, but she felt so bad for Seth Keyhole she couldn’t go through with it. She’s like, Hilda’s seen worse things with Sparky, I’m not gonna push this.

Emily

Has she?!

Tom

I mean…

Kyle

Probably!

Tom

Probably a coin flip.

Emily

What has Hilda seen?

Kyle

The question “where did you learn that word” does not exist in the Miszkiewicz household because the answer is Sparky Malarky 99% of the time.

Emily

She didn’t learn any words from mom Yulia, only tuba sounds.

Kyle (as Yulia)

[Tuba sounds.]

Emily

What I will say, I should probably say that there are two things that are tied, because I don’t think they can make fun of the one.

Kyle

Okay? Bring up that lack of a cane that you desperately need.

Emily

[Laughs nervously.]

[00:45:00]

Kyle

“Look at this child, she’s in constant agony. Oh wait, that’s kind of metal, never mind.”

Hannah

[Laughs.]

Quest Friends!

Future in a Flash