38. Little Mon, Big City

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

It is a day at school, at some time, some point after all of the crossovers. We are in the recently re-renamed Valley Public Schools Gymnasium where the Necromon Dueling Club normally— Well, actually, no. I’m not running this club anymore. Neither are my NPCs. Ariel isn’t around and Mr. Jimothy doesn’t do shit. Hilda, where is the Necromon Dueling Club meeting right now?

Emily

Is it in the Gho-Gurt Gymnasium?

Tom

We are meeting in a circle of pine trees out in the woods, where there’s a natural enclosure with a canopy and we can make our own bootleg dueling arena out as nature intended. Unless it’s too hot, in which case we are indeed in the gymnasium with the air conditioner turned all the way up.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I think at this moment it would be about winter, so…

Tom

Pine trees! Pine trees!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

These trees are really cool, aren’t they? Look at these pinecones I found on the ground.

Tom

Hilda just, by virtue of excitedly wandering out here, just sort of has dragged the entire club into it.

Kyle

Juniper is definitely just excited to go along. Juniper is actually genuinely excited about what you’re excited about, you know, asking you questions like:

[Whimsical music begins.]

Kyle (as Juniper)

This pine tree looks very, very interesting. I want you to tell me everything you know about it, everything at all.

Kyle

Walnut on the other hand is definitely just as excited and definitely had no understanding of why you’re out here.

Kyle (as Walnut)

I see, yes. There are… I’ve actually heard about this from Freddie. There are mon that are similar to Odacova out there, but they take the form of pinecones.

Emily

Irene rolls her eyes.

Emily (as Irene)

[Clears her throat.] It’s a… juniper tree.

Tom

Hilda will get it but like five seconds too late and then be like:

Tom (as Hilda)

OHH!

Kyle

[Laughs.] Juniper’s actually gonna poke around the corner.

Kyle (as Juniper)

That’s really funny! I just found a hawthorn!

Emily

[Laughs.] Irene just goes beet red. She squishes her lips together very tightly and doesn’t say anything.

Tom

Hilda is concerned but is not sure what is happening.

Emily (as Irene)

Ah yes, trees. … They grow here.

Tom (as Hilda)

Nature’s best friends, the trees.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Juniper)

You know? I’m pretty sure my first mon fusion happened under a tree like this.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Mon fusion?

[Stammers.] It was mon fusion…?

Emily

Irene doesn’t say anything, and she’s very glad because she was about to try to bait Hilda into asking about mon fusion.

Tom

No bait was necessary because Hilda is just like:

Tom (as Hilda)

Wait. You can fuse your Necromon?

Kyle (as Juniper)

Yeah! Well, “I” don’t fuse them, all the work is the mons’, and they only really do it when they have a really good challenger. You know?

Kyle

She looks right at you, Irene.

Emily

Oh, Irene falls over a little bit, just a little bit, and then does a little flail and brushes herself off even though she didn’t fall and doesn’t say anything.

Tom (as Hilda)

I mean, you probably already know this because you’ve been doing more stuff with the club than I have lately, but Irene’s kind of the best Necromon Trainer in the whole Valley.

Emily

You didn’t think Irene could get redder, and yet she does.

Emily (as Irene)

I… It…

Tom (as Hilda)

I guess technically we never did settle the final tournament, but eh, that’s not important.

Emily

She is not blushing anymore.

[Silly music begins.]

Emily (as Irene)

Hilda! What do you mean it’s not important?

Tom (as Hilda)

The most important thing is that we have fun. Right?

Emily (as Irene)

It is upcoming. It will happen. I will defeat you, but I have not done it yet because the duel has not happened, and it will be happening, and… therefore it is important and will happen.

Kyle

If I can narrate, I want to say that as Irene was saying this she was stepping closer to Hilda, and you only just now notice that right in between the two of you are both Walnut and Juniper, like really captivated by this.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Tom

Just the shot of the two of them, nose-to-nose almost, with Irene staring down at Hilda, but then just in between, facing directly into the camera, Walnut and Juniper are just wide-eyed.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Yes.

Emily (as Irene)

You are my rival. You have to.

Tom (as Hilda)

Eh, maybe.

Kyle (as Walnut)

I mean, Hilda’s not very good at being a duelist rival. Which is fine! It’s fine.

Emily (as Irene)

Excuse you!

Kyle (as Walnut)

It’s fine. It’s fine.

Emily (as Irene)

She is very good at being a duelist rival or I would not have chosen her for my duelist rival.

[00:05:00]

Tom

Now it’s time for Hilda to blush and shrink down into her shoulders.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Well, for some people maybe, I suppose, but…

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Hilda)

I think we’re getting off-topic. Mon fusion! Mon fusion. Yes, mon fusion, that’s what we were talking about.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Yes! Mon fusion. So, mon, they connect to people with their souls. They either connect to people or to cards, or to books, or…

Kyle

And she motions to Booker, and then she motions down to her bag, but she stops herself.

Kyle (as Juniper)

Other… other stuff.

Emily

Booker, having been spotted, slowly tries to hide the spoon he was about to try to stab Odacova with.

Kyle

[Amused but mortified.] No~!

Tom

I do kind of imagine Booker seeming to hiss a little bit and scuttling up and scary.

Kyle

He’s terrifying.

Tom (as Hilda)

He just likes to do that sometimes. He’ll calm down.

Emily (as Booker)

[Fiercely.] Rekoob…

Kyle (as Juniper)

So, mon can connect to people, or to cards, or to… stuff, but, but-but-but, they can also connect to each other. It can’t just happen at any time, though. For fusion to happen, you have to have mon who are really close, like really, really close, mon who care about each other just as much as they care about their trainer. Then, just like how people do, just like how in a great moment of need everyone always rallies together to make something better than they could before. Just like that, in a moment of great need, that’s when you go from this…

Kyle

She pulls out one of her cards which has Io on it and the other card which has Goom on it.

Kyle (as Juniper)

…into this.

[Magical music begins.]

Kyle

Like a magician, she claps her hands together, lifts out one palm, and you see Goomio, the fusion of Goom and Io.

Emily (as Irene)

I guess it’s interesting.

Tom (as Hilda)

It’s really cool. I mean, no one we know has ever been able to do that, I think.

[Music changes, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

And now I want to take us back probably a couple of weeks ago, or a couple of days, just a while ago… back to the very, very busy day, the day Quique and Sparky thwarted but also aided some bandits, the day Hilda and Irene fought some Necromon hunters, and the day Irene’s little mon went on a very big adventure.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an improvised audio cartoon using the roleplaying game A Familiar Problem. I’m Kyle, he/him, and today I, my four best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about little mon in the big city. The order is Ari, Emily, Tom, Hallie, and I guess do your mon? Maybe you could do your little stat. “I’m Mallea the crab who gets mad under pressure.” There we go, there we go.

Ari

Well, you said it for me now.

Kyle

Well, I can’t—

Tom

This feels a little forced to do it this way.

Kyle

Okay, just say your name. Just say your name.

[Laughter.]

Ari

I’m Ari, she/her.

Kyle

Cool.

Ari

I play Mallea.

Kyle

Cool. Yeah, okay.

Emily

I’m Emily! My pronouns are they/them, and I’m playing Booker, he/him.

Tom

I’m Tom, he/him, and I’m playing the Mossies, which… I can’t remember the Mossies’ pronouns. I don’t remember.

Emily

Aren’t the Mossies they plural?

Hallie

Because they’re several Mossies, like a Dugtrio.

Tom

I think that makes sense. It’s just been so long I don’t remember.

Ari

Yeah, I also don’t know Mallea’s. I think it’s he/it or something like that.

Kyle

Yep.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

I knew that one.

Emily

Okay! Okay. No, guys, I got this. Mallea, he/it. Mossies, they/them plural. Pokeyo, they/them. Boidelrat, she/it.

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

So Hallie, who are you and who are you playing today.

Hallie

I’m Hallie, and I’m she/her, and I’m playing Pokeyo, and Pokeyo is they/them! Do I win? Do I get a gold star? On the good noodle board.

Emily

I like that every time you said a part of the phrase your head got closer to your shoulders.

Hallie

I’m like a turtle. I’m getting into character, even though Pokeyo is not a turtle.

Kyle

So! Today…

[laughter.]

[00:10:00]

We’re playing A Familiar Problem by Marisha Ray and Grant Howitt, but I’m going to explain the rules… later, because today we kinda just get to get right into it. There’s no “previously on,” there’s no Slice of Life Complication, there is just an unnervingly sleepy quiet morning.

[Sleepy music begins.]

Ever since “she” came into the house, every morning at Irene’s has been so loud and hectic and chaotic, but today you don’t hear anything except for the muffled sounds of Irene and the other big people from the door outside the bedroom.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

Hallie

It’s Pokeyo’s responsibility to investigate this matter. If things aren’t normal, it’s their job to make things normal.

Tom

The Mossies are sleepy and they don’t want to move. They’re in the pocket of a pair of corduroy overalls that’s hanging up somewhere.

Kyle

That’s where you sleep at night?

Tom

It’s where the Mossies are right now. They would alternate between a couple different places including a windowsill flowerpot, just rolling around on Irene’s bed, and getting into pockets of clothing.

Kyle

What is Mallea up to?

Ari

He is interested in the mystery but is too amped up for a potential altercation, so he is practicing punching by punching a laundry bag of Irene’s.

Kyle

By ‘amped up by a potential confrontation,’ do you mean because things are weird or just ready to fight at all times?

Ari

… Yes.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright. Mallea is just punching stuff, Mossies are sleeping, but Pokeyo, you get closer to the door and you can hear some muffled voices from the other side.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope? Oh-ee-kope, kope, kope.

Hallie

How does opening the door go for me?

Tom

You are smol.

Hallie

Yeah. My question stands.

Kyle

[Laughs.] In A Familiar Problem, you have four stats that you use and you roll a 10-sided die. These stats are Clever, how well you understand people; Fierce, which I have written down “biting and stuff; Sly, which is hide, lie, sneak or disguise; and then Quick, climb, gotta be fast, stuff like that.

You’re gonna roll a 10-sided die. You’re gonna take the results of that plus your dice, and depending on how difficult this is, you have to roll equal to or higher than a value I set. So, I’m gonna start easy, and by that I mean it’s not gonna be easy, it’s actually gonna be standard. It’s gonna be a standard difficulty to open a door, so you have to roll a 6 or higher.

Hallie

Okay. Then, do I get plus whatever my thing is?

Kyle

Yeah, you get +Clever. We’re gonna go with Clever because you have to understand people, and in this case you’re understanding doors.

Hallie

Yay.

[Rolls.] I got an 8!

Kyle

Okay!

Hallie

[Smiling.] Pokeyo is good at doors!

Kyle

How does Pokeyo remember how people open doors? Which is a very weird… Every additional word I said in that sentence felt weirder than the last.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Hallie

I imagine Pokeyo has seen Irene open doors many a time. Because Pokeyo is that shitty straight-A student who everyone knows is a straight-A student, Pokeyo has observed many impressive things that Irene has done, which, to Pokeyo who is small, includes opening doors. So, to the best extent they can, they will mimic Irene. I do not know what this looks like, but Pokeyo climbs up a little desk or something that’s near the door and then manages to get up there, thinking about how… They’ve probably seen Irene struggle from time to time, and that just makes it okay for Pokeyo to struggle.

Emily (as Irene)

I never struggle.

Hallie

So… Pokeyo spits on their little hands and then rubs them together and then opens the door, you know, the way you do before a strenuous task.

Kyle

Yeah. Pokeyo, you are immediately consumed by a tidal wave of confetti.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Distraught.] Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kooope!

Tom (as Mossies)

[Sleepy.] See-sawm…

Ari (as Mallea)

[Shouting.] Uh-lay-um!

Ari

Like, “yes, I knew it, some danger!”

Hallie

You fucking get that confetti.

Ari

He’s running towards the scream.

Tom

The Mossies are just big mad that anyone woke them up.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

[Sighs.] I told you, Stella, that is way too much confetti.

Kyle (as Stella)

Nah. I’m just saying, like, if we put enough confetti around for little sis’s 13th birthday it would be like a new kind of floor, like a soft floor. You know those ball pits that are super cool?

[00:15:00]

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Stella! Ixnay on the ball pit–ay. You know that was one of the things during Irene’s very intense time.

Emily

[Amused.] Her what?

Kyle

Her very intense time, the events of the past year.

Emily

Oh.

Hallie

Like Alexander’s no good very bad day, but just ‘Irene’s very intense time.’

[Child-like music begins.]

Kyle (as Stella)

Listen, Mr. Elmo didn’t accuse her of murder. Alright? That was—

Kyle (as Aubrey)

We don’t say the E word.

Kyle (as Stella)

That was ‘liot. … That doesn’t have an E in it.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Stella, scoop—

Kyle (as Stella)

I’ll scoop up the confetti.

Kyle

And yeah, this ghost sister, the wispy, really thin gangly one, even by tiny mon standards, you can see is starting to pick up some of the confetti that has spilled into your room.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Indignant.] Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope, kope, kope.

Hallie

Pokeyo’s doing the, like, pointing at the mess, like “clean this up now,” even though Stella already is and Pokeyo has not contributed to this. This is Pokeyo’s victory.

Kyle (as Stella)

Right, little dude? I think it’s festive too. Here, have a little bit on the house.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Grumbles.]

Kyle

She picks up some of the confetti and throws it on top of you.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Hisses.] Kope…

Kyle

What are the other two mon up to?

Ari

Mallea was running towards the commotion.

Tom

I think Mallea’s just about to Kool-Aid Man into this confetti.

Ari

[Smiling.] Yeah.

Kyle

Would Mallea want to stop when seeing Stella or would he just keep barreling?

Ari

I think he would try to stop, but I don't know if that would be effective.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah. You’re gonna give me a roll, and it’s gonna have two difficulties. The first one is gonna be a difficulty of getting there in time. That’s gonna be a 4, that’s easy. Then there’s gonna be a roll to stop, and that’s gonna be an 8, that’s gonna be challenging. We’re gonna use Quick. We’re not gonna use Fierce because it’s all about Mallea springing into action. Even though it was in an aggressive way, in my notes Quick is literally climb and be fast.

Ari

Yeah, that makes sense to me too.

[Rolls.] To get there, I got a 6, and then I got a 3 to stop.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Oh dear.

Kyle

Mossies, you’re in your little pocket, right?

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Suddenly, it’s you and some confetti in the pocket.

Tom (as Mossies)

[Grumbly.] Awm… Awm…!

Kyle

Because Mallea charges through, trips Stella—which is impressive because a lot of the time she doesn’t have legs, just a wispy ghostly bottom—and Stella tumbles over, falling into the confetti which then spreads even more across the room.

Tom (as Mossies)

Awm…!

Ari (as Mallea)

[Irritated.] Uh-lay-um. Uh-lay-um!

Tom

The Mossies are going to angrily roll out of the pocket and just slide down to the floor and roll around like:

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm… See-sawm… Aaaaawwwm!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Crying.

Kyle

Stella, still not getting it:

Kyle (as Stella)

Right, little dude? Yeah! Yeah, you wanna party in the confetti, too.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

I don't think they want to party, Stella.

Kyle

Aubrey, he comes and he picks you up, Mallea.

Ari

Oh no, Mallea does not like that. He only likes being picked up by Irene, so he would be squirming.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um! Uh-lay-um! Uh-lay-um!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You try your hardest, but Aubrey knows his stuff, so he’s still holding onto you as he goes around to grab the Mossies as well just to get them out of this catastrophe area.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um! Uh-lay-ummm!

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm…

Kyle

She sets you down and brushes you off.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Alright, is that better?

Ari (as Mallea)

[Curt.] Lay-um. Hmph.

Ari

Trying to cross his arms.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Aubrey)

I’m sorry about Stella, little creatures… not dudes.

Kyle (as Stella)

Little dudes can be little creatures as much as they want.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

We have a lot to set up for this birthday party, so…

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Kyle (as Aubrey)

...so just watch the, um… the minefield of confetti.

Kyle

And Aubrey walks off, and says:

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Oh, and the confetti mines, too. They’re different things.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Flatly.] Lay-um…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope? Oh-ee-kope?

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm?

Hallie

Pokeyo whips out a surveyor’s map from nowhere and goes to town to write down the locations of the mines.

Ari

Mallea is looking over Pokeyo’s shoulder, like “mm-hmm, mm-hmm.”

Hallie

“Yes, good.”

Tom

It’s unclear whether the Mossies are blaming Pokeyo for this or are demanding Pokeyo do something to fix it, but they all circle around Pokeyo and are just slowly rolling into Pokeyo just booping.

Tom (as Mossies)

See. Sawm. See. Sawm.

Tom

Bump, bump-bump-bump, from every side, every angle.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope? Kope. Oh-ee-kope!

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm?

Ari (as Mallea)

[Uncertain.] Uh-lay-um.

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Stammers.] Ko-kope… kope.

Hallie

That’s the sounds of Pokeyo having their space invaded while they try to label the surveyor’s map.

[00:20:00]

It was just scribbles. Pokeyo can’t write, but you know.

Kyle

I’m not even gonna let you roll Clever for that.

Hallie

No, it’s a useless map.

Kyle

It’s a useless map.

Hallie

It’s very bad, but they made it.

Kyle

Alright. You are in this hallway that literally has the floor entirely covered in confetti.

[Whimsical music begins.]

We’re in a pretty modest one-story home. You know, really tacky wallpaper. We’re gonna say it has a recurring pattern of a Necromon on it, but  not like a cool one.

Hallie

Ha! Like, whatever the Pidgey equivalent is.

Kyle

Yeah, like birds, or Leggay, the equivalent of a whale. Not a cool one, but you know. In either case, you’re in a pretty cramped hallway with a couple of doors going off. Specifically, you’ve got… let’s say three. You’ve got Irene’s room, you’ve got Earl’s room, and then you’ve got Earl’s home office for his home projects that he never actually used and has now been repurposed into a space for Stella and Aubrey. That’s on one way. On the other side is the kitchen slash dining room slash living room slash “the room,” the room that is not a bedroom.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Tentative.] Oh-ee-kope? Oh-ee-kope?

Hallie

Pokeyo starts tiptoeing across the confetti-strewn floor, keeping a careful eye for confetti mines as they go to see what is the hubbub in the room that is not the bedroom.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Mallea also wants to look at what is going on over there.

Tom

The Mossies are also rolling along because they are part of this now.

Hallie

They are ruining all of Pokeyo’s stealth, and Pokeyo is pissed about it.

Tom

The Mossies are so quiet.

Ari

Mallea is stepping right where Pokeyo is stepping but not like right after. He’s doing it at the same time as Pokeyo is stepping.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Frustrated.] Oh-ee…! Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

[They squabble back and forth a few times.]

Tom

The Mossies roll past both of them.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Tom, I want you to roll me Sly, and it’s gonna be a difficulty of 6.

Tom

[Rolls.] Oh… I think that’s a lose. Oh dear. Oh, no, that’s a 4.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle

Alright. When you roll poorly on what is considered a dangerous thing, you don’t lose health points, you instead gain stress. If you ever roll equal to or lower than your stress, you have a break in teamwork. You essentially start being very selfish.

Tom

Oh dear.

Kyle

Pokeyo and Mallea, as you’re fighting, just poof, some more confetti hits your face as the Mossies land on one of the confetti mines…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Kyle

…and it just shoots in all directions in the hallway.

[The Necromon make various distressed arguing sounds.]

Tom

How much stress do I have now?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Just 1, just 1 stress.

Tom

Cool, 1 stress.

Kyle

Alright. You reassemble yourselves, you get back together, and this time you actually make it to “the room.” From inside, Earl is talking with a very upset-sounding Irene.

Kyle (as Earl)

Don’t you have that, uh… that fun field trip today?

Emily (as Irene)

[Gasps.] I’m going to be late! I… I thought that I would have found Boidelrat by now.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee?

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Kyle (as Earl)

The Boidelrat? Is that… Oh, that’s the new one, right?

Emily (as Irene)

Yes. What if she is lost?

Kyle (as Earl)

Well, I uh…

Emily (as Irene)

She is not very smart.

Kyle (as Earl)

But you are, kiddo, and I’m sure that she’s learned a thing or two from you.

Emily (as Irene)

… Okay, let’s go, I guess. Can you leave the dog door open, please, just in case?

Kyle (as Earl)

Of course, kid. I always remember to leave it open.

Kyle

We’re gonna say that there’s a little dog door, but its hinges have fully fallen off. Earl literally cannot close it. It is impossible for him to do so.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Exquisite.

Kyle (as Earl)

Alright. Let’s get you to school, huh? Stella! Aubrey! It’s school time for Irene. Come on, let’s all go as a family.

Emily (as Irene)

Ugh… I’m fine!

Emily

Irene stomps off.

Kyle (as Earl)

Irene. Irene!

Kyle

The door opens once, and then shuts, and then opens a second time, and shuts but a lot more gently the second time, and it is silent in “the room.”

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Hushed, curious.] Oh-ee-kope?

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm?

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Hallie

It has  not occurred to Pokeyo that Boidelrat wasn’t there until this moment.

[00:25:00]

Tom

The Mossies just look over at where Boidelrat would be, and I’m imagining that cartoon blinking outline of no Boidelrat there.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm! Sawm!

Ari

Mallea is starting to look under things but where it’s obviously where Boidelrat wouldn’t be. Picking up a piece of paper like “maybe it’s here.”

Kyle

My first thought was there’s a chair in the corner of the room and you’re small enough that you can fit under the chair, but you pick it up anyway to look underneath it.

Ari

Oh, that too. Yes, I also do that.

Kyle

Nothing. She’s not here. You can’t hear, smell, or see her, which are usually the three senses that you experience Boidelrat in the order in which you experience them.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Mallea will turn to Pokeyo.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um…?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Ari

Then to the Mossies.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Ari (as Mallea)

Hmm.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

Hallie

Pokeyo is fully about to do a shrug and turn around and go back to the bedroom.

[Sentimental music begins.]

But then they see more of the confetti and I imagine some little “happy birthday” streamers or something in the kitchen, you know, not an overbearing parent but like a parent doing their best to throw their child a birthday party.

Kyle

Well, an overbearing parent and Stella, the greatest artist the Here and the Hereafter has ever known, so…

Hallie

And Stella. So, Pokeyo sees all the decorations and then looks down at the little confetti minefield map and then has a brilliant idea and repurposes it into a find Boidelrat map.

[Music changes to triumphant march.]

They draw an X, and then a little line, and then another X, and that X means Boidelrat, that second one, and then they flip it around to show it to Mallea and the Mossies.

Tom

The Mossies are just jumping up and down, bouncing.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope?

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm. See-sawm!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Content.] Oh-ee-kope.

Ari

At Pokeyo looking at the confetti, Mallea would be like…

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh… Uh-lay-um!

Ari

…and then start grabbing confetti and try to put it in the shape of Boidelrat.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um? Uh?!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope! Kope, kope, kope. Oh-ee-kope!

Ari

Because that would be the Plan B, to make a confetti figure of Boidelrat to replace the right one.

Tom

[Pained laugh.] Oh no.

Hallie

Okay. At first I was like, Pokeyo’s gonna shoot that one down and be like “no, we find,” but then I thought Mallea was like “yeah, Boidelrat!”

Kyle

You’re such good communicators.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[To the tune of Happy Birthday to You.] Oh-ee-kope kope kope-kope! Oh-ee-kope kope kope-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Excited.] Oh-ee-kope!

Tom (as Mossies)

[Determined.] See, sawm.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um.

Tom

The Mossies just start rolling towards the dog door.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Startled.] Oh-ee-kope?!

Ari

Mallea will follow them but will also grab all the confetti he can in order to make that Plan B if needed.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

And the adventure begins for Part 1 of 3 of Little Mon, Big City. If you’re enjoying the fun little adventure we’re doing today, you can get A Familiar Problem for yourself, for free, by checking it out in the description below. Down there you can also find Makeshift Stories.

[Game show music begins.]

Makeshift Stories is a sci-fi fantasy and speculative fiction podcast for all ages. Twice a month, buckle up for a new epic journey through possible futures, space, alternate realities, and beyond. Take the fun long-form sci-fi shenanigans of Quest Friends! Season 1, but have them still happening… and you got Makeshift Stories. Makeshift Stories is available wherever you listen to audio, or head over to MakeshiftStories.com. Tune in and let your imagination soar.

[Music ends.]

One last thing before we continue. I’m updating our website because, to be frank, I hate our current host. One of the things that I’d really love for my new website is a bunch of new reviews to showcase. So, if you haven’t already, whatever podcasting app you’re on, I would really love it if you could just go in, give a quick review, and if you could write a couple of words about what you like about Quest Friends. Really I’m focusing on Apple Podcast reviews, but any app is fine.

Now, podcasters say that this helps grow them, and… ugh, technically it doesn’t, but having current reviews is a great way of showing prospective listeners that, hey, this is something that people still like and that this is something I might enjoy too. So, if you love Quest Friends, and if you’re listening I hope you do, that’s one of the easiest ways to get other people to love Quest Friends as well.

[00:30:00]

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode will be Little Mon, Big City, Part 2. If you’d like additional podcasts, short stories, or video outtakes, you can find them at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Ambient cave lake SFX begins.]

Kyle (as various Boidelrats)

Tarledoib. Tarledoib…

[Growing more and more upset.] Tarledoib… Tarledoib!

[Fully sobbing.] Tarledoib!

Kyle

You all hear a bunch of sad skeleton possums without a single trash on their bones.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

Not the babies.

Kyle

…wander mournfully around a clean opaque lake with a white mist, calling out for their father.

Hallie

[Laughs.] “Father!”

[Rasputin’s theme begins.]

Kyle

I don't know how you all found your way to Rasputin’s cave from Episode 1, but you made it here. In fact, everyone roll me a 1d10 except for Emily.

Ari

[Rolls.] Ten!

Hallie

[Rolls.] Eight.

Tom

[Rolls.] Two!

Kyle

It took you ten hours to get here!

Ari

No!

Hallie

[Laughs.] To get just to Rasputin’s cave.

Tom

A journey of many, many miles.

Hallie

A journey of many miles based on a memory from a long time ago.

Tom

We just wandered up into the mountains.

Kyle

You were never there. You never were in his cave.

Hallie

Oh my god, Irene wasn’t here.

Tom

We weren’t here.

Hallie

Oh my god, I forgot about that.

Tom

We just wandered into the  hills.

Hallie

Good for us. We followed all the sad Boidelrats going to search for their father. You know the scene in Detective Pikachu when all the Bulbasaur come out and they take Detective Pikachu to the magic healing spot? That’s us following all the Boidelrats to where Rasputin no longer is, but instead of a healing spot it’s a crying spot.

Kyle

This place again is a cave. It is much more temperate than the desert. Actually, temperate isn’t even the right word, it’s more like the rainforest in here: thick, knotted, dripping wet trees with lines of mist going through them like rivers. The Boidelrat are just all over the place, but you notice that they are converging somewhere down one of the passageways in the cave. What do you do now?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

The cave beckons.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

The Mossies long to journey deep into this cold dank spot and then just find a rock and sit there for a while.

Kyle

[Laughs.] You end up going down the cave, and you find yourself in a place that’s actually really nice.

Tom

Ooh.

Kyle

Normally I would have described Rasputin’s cave as your grandma’s house but garbage. There’s a little garbage “home sweet home” sign, there’s a little garbage dog bed, and his throne that he spoke to the main characters from is a throne slash lounge chair slash mound of garbage, but at this point it has been picked clean by these Boidelrat looking for things to put on. It is immaculate. It is empty, really. The trash is gone, but it’s not just like your grandma’s home now; now it’s like your grandma’s home having been cleared out, something empty and sad with it.

The only few things you can see is you can see a wooden board labeled “secret mask, don’t let anyone get it. Please, Rasputin, stop offering it.” Then he starts yelling at himself being like, “hey, you try controlling yourself. I do try controlling myself.” It’s just a bunch of scribbles of him fighting with himself. You can see there’s this place where this mask could have been, but it’s not there anymore. You know it’s where the mask was because it’s the only part of the board that isn’t covered up by this scribbling text of him fighting with himself saying don’t let anyone get the mask.

Hallie

There’s like an outline.

Kyle

Yeah. You also definitely see the Boidelrat have taken everything except for a few bits of paper outlining in meticulous detail exactly how Rasputin planned to commit tax evasion.

Ari

God bless.

Kyle

Because that is why he was arrested in Episode 1, for those who have forgotten. It was not for any of the crimes against you.

Hallie

Pokeyo does not have pockets. However, I would like to take the small scraps of paper that detail how to commit tax evasion.

Kyle

[Laughs.] For research for yourself?

Hallie

For, uh… maybe Irene wants it. I don't know.

Ari

Mallea will allow you to store it on his hat.

Hallie

Yes!

Tom

The Mossies have already rolled off because this cave feels so nice. Like, “ooh, caves, what?” It’s so damp and cool here. They just want to sit in the glistening dew on the rocks and just soak it up.

[00:35:00]

They are a little distracted right now, but they’re trying to pull themselves together. One Mossie will nip the others and they’ll be like:

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm! Sawm… Sawm?

Hallie

Pokeyo is sweeping up all the little scraps of tax evasion paper and then will gently lob it up to Mallea’s head.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Satisfied.] Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um.

Kyle

When you two finish doing that, you can see that the Mossies are fighting with each other on top of… a tome.

[Sinister music begins.]

Not a book, but a tome, something that emanates dark sinister energy… and has a little sticky note taped to it.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Ari

Mallea can’t read, so I don't know what the sticky note says.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee… kope?

Hallie

I’m not sure that Pokeyo can read either, come to think of it.

Tom

The Mossies begin nibbling on the sticky note.

Kyle

I want each of you to roll me a Clever. Just do it as a group. I want to see who’s the one who figures this out.

Ari

I do want Mallea to take the sticky note and put it on top of his hat, too.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Five.

Kyle

[Smiles.] You have the sticky note now.

Hallie

Plus 2… 7.

Tom

[Rolls. Weakly.] Four?

Ari

[Rolls.] Clever? Oh no, I rolled a 1.

Kyle

I want you to take 1 stress, Ari. I wasn’t gonna give it to you, but you said something that was impactful.

[Music ends.]

Pokeyo, you can’t read… but that’s okay because Boidelrat can’t write.

[Laughter.]

Tom

An unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

[Silly investigation music begins.]

Kyle

You see a little map that most people couldn’t read but it looks exactly like the kind you made.

Hallie

[Gasps.] Oh my god.

Kyle

It says something like Necrop… Ne, Ne… Ne… big dead city.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Ee, ee, kope.

Kyle

There’s a map of “big dead city.” Hastily drawn, you can see a there’s a series of like ‘meet contact here,’ ‘father is here,’ just notes about what the plan of attack is and really useful information. And then Mallea picks it up and slaps it on its hat.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Shrieks.] Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Indignant.] Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kooope!

Ari

Mallea will throw the sticky note and the tax evasion papers at Pokeyo. Like, “fine, you want these papers now?”

Hallie

Directly in the face, and Pokeyo has to, like—

Ari

Yeah. Directly at… yeah.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Kope, kope, kope. Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um. Lay-um…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Explaining.] Oh-ee-kope…

Ari (as Mallea)

Mm-hmm?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee… kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

Mm-hmm?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee… kooope.

Ari (as Mallea)

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Meanwhile, Mossies, you’ve noticed that when Mallea went and picked up the sticky note something jostled on this tome.

[Sinister music begins.]

Tom

[Uncomfortable hum.]

Kyle

And this dark smoke-like magic starts moving through the grooves of this tome.

Tom

The Mossies are going to do the closest that they can to a squint, being that they do not have eyes, just wrinkling up the top half.

Tom (as Mossies)

Awwwm?

Tom

And do a little sniff of this book, like “eh?”

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Sniff. Sniff. BOOM!

[Aggressive evil music begins.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

All of you are caught in a massive explosion. You hear rambling, spells of dark magics.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Spread my magical power. Spread it among those who wish good things, those who are small but mighty, but it is but the smallest of things that can do the mightiest of processes. … I read that in a book once and I shall make it true. Be you Boidelrat or other kind of Boidelrat… I, Rasputin, give you my power!

Hallie

[Cackles.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle

This message from the tome shoots you and all of you feel as dark magical energy surrounds you and starts seeping into your skin, going underneath, in some way attaching itself to you.

[Elevator music begins.]

Here’s where we get to the next part of this game. In the game A Familiar Problem, each character has three pieces of pocket magic that they can use. You’re able to use these magical spells once per session, so just once for the entire adventure. So, I need each of you to roll a 1d12 three times.

Tom

Oh dear.

Ari

Ah.

Hallie

Oh, we don’t get to choose! That’s funnier.

Ari

That’s fun.

Hallie

That’s way better.

Ari

[Rolls.] Five, 6, and 7.

[00:40:00]

Kyle

You get Ignite Fire, Limited Invisibility, and Mist.

Ari

Okay. I like this.

--

Kyle

Kyle from the future. Ari also gets Summon Horse because… in future episodes we forget her spells, so I had her reroll and she got Summon Horse too, and I didn’t have the heart to undo that once I got the list of original spells.

--

Hallie

[Rolls.] Yes. Yes! I got the one I was gonna take. I got Door Magic, you know, from all that skill opening doors. I got Summon Hole, and I got Wizard Digits.

Tom

I wanted Wizard Digits so badly. The Mossies just wanted fingers.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

For once in their lives.

Tom

If the Mossies see Pokeyo use Wizard Digits, they’re going to be so angry. Anyway, I got 1, 6, and 8, so Butterfingers, Limited Invisibility, and Soak. I can conjure a bucket full of water, bucket not included.

Hallie

[Laughs and squeaks.]

Kyle

You feel this evil, sinister, dark magic overwhelm you as the ghostly smoke explosion goes higher.

[Music ends.]

And from the outside what we would see is just a little puff that barely covers the mon and then falls to the side, and you’re all back in the cave.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Fierce.] Uh-lay-um!

Ari

His eyes will look like little flames, like anime style. “Ah yes!”

Tom (as Mossies)

[Gaining realization.] See… sawm!

Tom

The Mossies start rolling around in circles around everybody.

Kyle

You all… I don't know how it feels, I imagine it feels good, but you can feel that you have temporarily been given magical powers. Where to from here, gang?

Tom

Hmm. What are all the Boidelrats in here doing? Are they just still circling the pond?

Kyle

Yeah. You can see most of them are going around the water. Some of them are walking in and walking out. As they walk into the lake, their outside turns a misty white and strings of blue light become the majority of their form.

Emily

Poor babies.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Sympathetic.] Oh-ee-kope.

Tom

Mossies are going to roll into Pokeyo, roll into the map, and then roll at the Boidelrats.

Tom (as Mossies)

See, sawm.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope?

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh? Uh-lay-um!

Ari

Mallea will once again misinterpret the information.

Tom

Oh no.

Ari

“Ah yes, any Boidelrat will suffice!”

Tom

Nooo!

Hallie

[Laughs.] No!

Ari (as Mallea)

[Assertive.] Uh-lay-um! Uh-lay-um!

Tom

The Mossies will just start biting the feet of Mallea.

Kyle

Mallea, roll me Quick.

Ari

Okay, Quick.

[Rolls.] That’s probably not good. That is a 3.

Kyle

They are surprisingly fast. I’m gonna say most of them start running off into the middle of the lake.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope-kope. Oh-ee-kope?

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee, oh-ee…

[Claps.] Oh-ee-kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um. Uh-lay-um.

Tom (as Mallea)

Sawm. Sawm!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um.

Tom

The Mossies are going to start trying to roll in to shove Pokeyo and Mallea.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Slightly irritated.] Oh-ee-kope~

Ari (as Mallea)

Hmm… uh-lay-um.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm! Sawm!

Tom

Gestures at the pool and the Boidelrats.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee, oh-ee…

Hallie

Pokeyo doesn’t understand the lake. Like, “will lake evaporate us to city” is what Pokeyo was trying to get at. Or will it just evaporate us to place we don’t want to go?

Tom

The Mossies shrug.

Ari

Mallea will tentatively touch the lake.

[Mysterious magical music begins.]

Kyle

You put your finger in the lake, or your nubbin… and it’s like a train map is uploaded directly into your brain.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Shouts in surprise.] Uh-lay-um!

Kyle

There are so many places this lake can take you.

Ari

I’ll try to grab Pokeyo’s map to add more information to the map.

Kyle

I thought you were gonna grab Pokeyo and just dunk their head in.

Hallie

Pokeyo is looking at the Mallea map. Pokeyo is feeling more powerful than they ever have before on account of the dark magic, so they’re gonna, like…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Assertive.] Oh-ee-kope!

Hallie

…and this time they’re pushing the Mossies toward the lake a little bit.

Tom

The Mossies will roll into the lake.

Ari

Mallea will also slowly get inside.

Kyle

You… This feels like home. It feels rejuvenating. It feels very powerful, similar to how it felt in some of those Necromon arenas that you would battle in.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Surprised and delighted.] Oh-ee-kope!

Tom (as Mossies)

[Pleased but subdued.] Sawm…!

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

If we were watching, we would see you as you get deeper into turning into the mist and then the strings of light that vaguely show your form, but to you it feels more like the ground underneath you gets lighter.

[00:45:00]

First you’re walking in water, on ground, then you’re walking on marshmallows, and then eventually you’re steadily freefalling through the air, but not like in a scary way, more of you walking down a staircase but there’s nothing underneath you.

Emily

That sounds like falling.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-eeeeeee!

Tom

It’s all the same to the Mossies because they only go down stairs by just rolling uncontrollably down them.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm…!

Kyle

It’s so colorful, not only because the color of the space around you but because of the way it refracts and interlocks with the many, many rivers that you’re able to see. What you see around you looks like waterfalls in a nebula.

[Fantastical music begins.]

A series of rivers moving every which way, some down, some up, left, right, in a squiggly line, a pretzel. For a second, the space you’re on looks like it’s going to be a waterfall and like you’re gonna freefall, but then your sense of gravity shifts forward so that, instead of being a waterfall, it’s now a river steadily moving you forward. This is a small river. It’s about the size of the lake, but you can see that it is still tiny compared to the other ones you see. There are massive rivers, kilometers wide, with giant coffins going across them.

Just like how with a nebula or a cloud you can vaguely imagine shapes, there are condensed pockets of color that have matching patterns. As you get closer to these condensed pockets, you can steadily see what look to be worlds, almost, what look to be different layers of existence. You see a gumdrop kingdom. One is just a haunted mansion but a big haunted mansion.

Hallie

Aww.

Kyle

Various different places. You notice that the big rivers never enter here, only the small ones have access. The big rivers are always blocked off, in many cases artificially so. But, you’re not interested in that space, instead you’re interested in where all the rivers lead. High above them you can see this network of rivers congeal into a giant pool on top of the brightest series of lights of them all.

[Music ends.]

In the bustling undead streets of Necropolis, there is a wight. Wights are people who died unlucky. They constantly keep the scars of every injury but they always bounce back. So, we see this very tired wight with a blue suitcoat eating a bowl of burger ramen as he’s just waiting for the streetlight to go. In the city of Necropolis, the light turns from a red gloop, which is just a little glob person…

Hallie

[Amused.] Just a gloop.

Kyle

…to a speeding green fury. The light is so bright, because there are so many bright lights here, and a voice screams:

Kyle (as traffic voice)

Go! For the love of god, run! Do it now! Go!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And this wight is briskly walking across. Right as his feet cross above one of the manholes, he hears beneath him a muffled but fierce…

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um!

Kyle

…as the manhole cover beneath him is hit by the fist of a tiny angry Necromon and rockets him high into the air.

Hallie

Yes.

Tom

Oh no.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Satisfied.] Lay-um.

Kyle

All of you poke your heads out of the manhole and you see the big dead city.

[Clockwork ghostly music begins. The Necromon make “ooh” and “ah” sounds.]

Kyle

People are moving. People are hustling. In the city of Necropolis, as I said you can see a fury speeding across carrying a whip and screaming…

Kyle (as fury)

I’m gonna get you this time!

Kyle

…at a poor gloop who is just desperately rolling over and over again trying to flee. Two skeletons bump into each other, one has a big red bow, and all of their bones fall to the ground, but as they reach down to pick up their hands their other hands touch and they look at each other in their sunken hollow eyes.

Ari

[Amused.] God.

Hallie

What are their names? I’m gonna ship them forever.

Kyle

In the corner, an oily bird man—

Hallie

What are their names, Kyle?

Kyle

—Holding a giant banner, screams.

Hallie

What are their names?!

Kyle (as bird man)

It will return! The Bubonic Plague shall come back and it shall get you like it got me!

[00:50:00]

Kyle

All of these people, we see them in between Love Bug Volkswagen vehicles, VW vans with catacomb aesthetic to them, and model-T cars. Also, the subway is still on fire.

Hallie

Ha!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Taking it all in.] Oh-ee-kope…

Hallie

Pokeyo’s just looking back and forth in circles.

Ari

Mallea is looking between the map and the city and then the map again and then the city again.

Tom

Yeah, the Mossies just nudge Pokeyo.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Stammers.] Oh-ee-kope?

Tom

Like, bites and pulls on the map.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Hallie

Pokeyo is just, like, uncharacteristically not… I don’t want to say taking charge, but they don’t usually soak it in. They’ve got an agenda, and this time they’re just…

Kyle

Looking like a lost tourist?

Hallie

Yeah, looking like that.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as fast-talker)

Well, you best be careful there, little one. If you’re not careful, you’re gonna start looking like a sucker, a sucker like me. First I lost my wife in the divorce and then I lost all of my money. Oh-ha-hoy-ha-hoy!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

[Smiling.] What the fuck, Kyle?

[Ragtime music begins.]

Kyle

You see—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Tom

I cast Soak.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

[Squeaking in delight.] “Oh-ha-hoy-ha-hoy!”

Kyle

What’s your goal with casting Soak?

Tom

To soak him. I’m casting Soak. I’m summoning a bucket of water minus the bucket above his head. The water falls on him. He is soaked. And then the Mossies are going to roll away screaming.

Kyle

[Laughs.] What are the rest of you gonna do?

Hallie

Oh, Pokeyo is so fascinated by this fast-talking stranger.

Ari

Mallea runs to punch him.

Kyle

Okay, uh…

Hallie

Pokeyo will let that happen.

Kyle

Ari, I want you to roll me Fierce for punching this water-soaked man.

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a dirty 10.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

Jesus Christ.

Hallie

Nice!

[Ragtime music returns.]

Kyle

So, this tap-dancing street hustler looking guy is talking to you.

Tom

“I am your singing telegram.”

Kyle (as fast-talker)

Yeah! I’m gonna tell you about my woes! It’s been a real bad year for me!

Kyle

And then the water bucket hits on his head.

Tom

Raindrops keep falling on my head.

Kyle (as fast-talker)

[Singing.] Falling on my head! And only my head because it seems I’ve pissed off BITE, or some other Power That Be. Da, da, da-da—

Kyle

And he gets punched in the face.

Hallie

I love him.

Kyle

How do you attack him, Mallea?

Ari

Just by jumping and throwing a punch, but I know Mallea is pretty small, so wherever that goes. It probably hits his shin or something, or it could be also his toe. You know how painful it is when you hit the corner of a bed?

Kyle

He’s lost his wife, he’s lost his money, and now he’s lost a toe. Boom! We see the fucking sound barrier break as this hustler just gets rocketed off into, uh… we’re gonna say into that fury that I randomly mentioned earlier with the whip.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Both of them get knocked into the wall, but you see as the whip surrounds this guy and throws him to the side.

[Threatening music begins.]

This fury, who I’m gonna say is dressed… let’s go with weird comical sexy. She’s in a one-piece leather bathing suit vest style thing that’s zippered shut but only at the very top and the very bottom. She doesn’t have a boob window, she has a full-body window. The fury steps out, extends her massive wings, and says:

Kyle (as fury)

[Menacing.] Who did that?

Tom

The Mossies are currently hiding in the very edge of a drain pipe.

Ari

Mallea has turned invisible and is standing very still.

Kyle

And Pokeyo’s just in the middle of the street, aren’t you?

Hallie

I sure am.

Kyle (as fury)

Was it you?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee?

Kyle (as fury)

My back was turned.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee, oh-ee-ko—

Kyle (as fury)

You threw a man into my back.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Indignant.] Oh-ee-kope!

Kyle (as fury)

Which is just as bad a betrayal as stabbing someone.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope, kope, kope. Oh-ee-kope.

[Music intensifies.]

Kyle

The whip extends out.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Taunting.] Oh-ee-kope.

Hallie

I summon a hole.

[Music ends.]

It’s not for me, it’s for him. “Call the hole but not for me.” Because I would like this fury to just fall through the hole that I summon from nowhere. It’s not even the manhole, it’s just one that opens up next to it.

Kyle

I don’t want to say no, but I did make a point of describing her giant wings.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oh fuck. Oh fuck, you did. Okay, you got me there.

Kyle

So, you open up a hole underneath… I’m gonna give you a stress for that.

Tom

There’s a few seconds of falling. The fury is gonna fall for a little bit, maybe even get stuck, you never know.

Hallie

You got me there.

[00:55:00]

Kyle

That is true. I don't know what’s funnier though, falling down the hole and attacking or… Yeah, no, the hole opens up, whoosh, down the hole.

Kyle (as fury)

[Shouting.] That’s it!

[Monster rising music begins.]

Kyle

Now the barbed whip, multiple strands are coming out of the hole like long claws reaching out from underneath.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Tom

Butterfingers.

[Laughter.]

The Mossies will use this opportunity to roll out and just start leaping on the fury and biting.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Tom

We chose violence today!

Hallie

Yeah! We sure did!

Emily

I love that you only get three spells.

Tom

And we’ve used half of them.

Hallie

We’ve already used half of our repertoire.

Emily

You used half of them on the traffic light.

Kyle

On an unnamed fury.

Hallie

We’ve been in the city for ten seconds.

Kyle

Um… we see a zombie going to work.

[Sentimental piano music begins.]

He’s sick of work just like he was in life.

Ari

He’s Squidward.

Kyle

He’s got a long face in every way. He walks with his little briefcase, and he hears a murmuring. “Should someone call… Should someone call the Undertakers?”

“What? And deal with the Rons? Absolutely not.”

And he looks to the side as a bunch of Necromon just start kicking the shit out of this fury who’s got her head covered.

Kyle (as fury)

No! No, stop! Stop!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Kyle

His watch beeps for his job, and he looks forward and pays it no more mind and continues his way in the city.

[Chuckling. Music ends.]

Kyle (as fury)

Stop it! Stop it! Agh!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope! Oh-ee-kope, oh-ee-lope!

Kyle (as fury)

Man, I gotta get out of this city.

Kyle

The very scary fury says, looking at you.

Hallie

[laughs.] The three adorable plant-themed Necromon.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee… kope.

Kyle (as fury)

I don’t… I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Tom

The Mossies are just gumming on the fury still.

Kyle (as fury)

That’s so uncomfortable. … Alright, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll leave you alone, okay?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope! Oh-ee-KOPE!

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um, lay-um!

Kyle

And the fury scrambles away.

Hallie

Thank god.

Tom

The Mossies will detach.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Hallie

Pokeyo, being the competent little leader they are, is very embarrassed about that whole thing because their plan with the hole wasn’t good because the fury had wings and then the Mossies had to save them.

Kyle

I’m assuming Mallea does not realize its culpability in this at all.

Ari

No.

Hallie

Oh, and Pokeyo was fully willing to throw Mallea under the bus. They were pointing at Mallea when they were like “who did this.”

Kyle

That might be literal soon, though, because, after the world’s longest traffic light ends, traffic is going to start coming soon and they will not stop for three mon.

Hallie

Okay. Before the traffic comes, Pokeyo gets a little furrow in their brow signaling how upset and embarrassed they are, and they scuff the ground with their little foot and turns to the Mossies.

[Sentimental music begins.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Upset.] Oh-ee-kope.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um…?

Tom

The Mossies just flatten out a little bit and shrink.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um?

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Ari

Mallea will poke Pokeyo, like “are you okay, friend?”

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Dejected.] Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope…

Tom

The Mossies will also crowd around and hug by leaning into Pokeyo’s legs.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope…

Ari

Mallea will just put a pat-pat, pat-pat, as demonstration that he is sorry.

Hallie

Pokeyo will bristle at first because this is not their thing and they’re a small cactus, but because they went out of their way to say thank you and because the city is scary… they were so overwhelmed when they popped out of that manhole, and then this fury was mad at them, and then they had to fight, and now they have dark magic… so, Pokeyo being out of their element a little bit is more receptive to this show of affection than perhaps they would be any other time in their life. So, they have a heartwarming moment together before the traffic comes.

[Music changes to frantic silly chase music.]

Kyle

And then the traffic comes.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Since you specified you’re in the street, I need all of you to roll Quick.

Tom

Ack!

Ari

Oh god.

[Rolls.] Oh no, 3.

Hallie

[Rolls.] I got an 8.

Tom

[Rolls.] I rolled a fucking 5. I’ve not rolled above a 4 this entire game.

Hallie

I’m rolling great.

Kyle

So, Mallea and Mossies both add a stress. Pokeyo, you notice the car coming but the other two do not.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Shrieking.] Oh-ee-kope!

Emily

Bet you wish you had a hole.

Hallie

I know. I do wish I had a hole. I don’t have that anymore, and light telekinesis is not really gonna help against a bus.

[01:00:00]

So, I’m just gonna push. I’m just pushing them. I’m pushing the big Mallea and the Mossies, which are many, off of the street in a cartoonish panic.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm~!

Ari

Mallea will try to also get Pokeyo out of the way.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[With effort.] Oh-ee-kope!

Kyle

You’re fighting so much, and it seems like time slows down, which is strange because this car is so fast, but you end up making it out of the street just in time.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Panting.] Oh-ee-kope… Oh-ee-kope…

Kyle

In reality, in real time, there was a little puttering model T car that was moving at like five miles an hour.

Hallie

That’s so cute.

Kyle

And as you get off, all the other cars just VROOM, VROOM, VROOM, just speed past this car that continues slowly puttering forward.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Shouts in fright.]

Hallie

That’s so cute. Like a Mickey Mouse jalopy, oh god.

Kyle

Yeah. Alright, you are off the street, you are alive.

[The Necromon chatter amongst themselves, shaken.]

Tom

The Mossies will once again shiver and huddle close to Pokeyo.

Ari

Mallea will hug everybody together.

Tom

Aww.

Hallie

We resume our cute little Necromon huddle when we’re bonding over life and death experiences.

Kyle

You’re huddling. Do you take a look at the map?

Ari

Yes.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee… kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um. Mm-hmm.

Hallie

They shake it out, the way you do with maps.

Kyle

You realize… You look around, you analyze the map, you figure it out. You analyze every detail.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

The map was on a fucking post-it note. It shows like one block. As you look around, you can only see one block’s worth of the city, but you have a feeling it is a lot more than one block big.

Hallie

But is it… What if all we need is this one block? It’s a nonzero chance Boidelrat is on this block. You know? That’s statistically a possibility.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Roll me Clever.

Hallie

Clever!

[Rolls.] Aww, that’s my lowest roll yet. I got a 4, plus 2, 6.

Kyle

Yeah, you don’t get it.

Ari

Dang it.

Kyle

There’s a circle, there’s some other stuff, but it’s just not enough. It’s not enough. You’re not gonna find Boidelrat. You’re never gonna find Boidelrat.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Growing more upset.] Oh-ee-kope, oh-ee-kope… Eee…

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um, lay-um.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-eee…

Kyle (as Jam)

[Boisterous.] No need to cry over that, little friend!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee?

Ari (as Mallea)

Hmm… lay-um.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Kyle (as Jam)

Oh dang, maybe you do need to cry. You guys are, uh… you’re performers too?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Tearful.] Oh-ee, kope ee kope. Kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

[Uncertain.] Hmm… uh-lay-um.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm. Sawm.

[Ska music begins.]

Kyle (as Jam)

Well, why are you going to the Globe?

Kyle

This taller figure who I can only describe as periwinkle ska, with a Notyp or a snake cat on his shoulder…

Hallie

Love it.

Kyle

…is looking down at you.

Kyle (as Jam)

Yeah, I mean, that’s the circle for the Globe, and then that’s the… that’s the theater. You gotta be careful with that one. I hear the opera space has a phantom problem.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Tentative.] Oh-ee… ee-kope?

Kyle (as Jam)

Oh, you guys are metal.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Matter of fact.] Oh-ee… kope.

Hallie

Pokeyo is pointing at himself as if to say “I am a fucking plant.”

Tom

The Mossies spit out bits of metal.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle (as Jam)

Quite literally.

[Chuckles.] Up top!

Kyle

Jam raises their hand for a high-five with you, Mossies.

[Awkward moment of silence. Music ends.]

Tom

Oh, the Mossies.

Hallie

With the Mossies.

[Laughs.] With the Mossies! The Mossies are leaving Jam hanging!

Tom

I’m sorry, that was a Tom failure.

Ari

I thought the Mossies were ignoring, just like staring at the hand.

Hallie

Just leaving Jam hanging.

Tom

You know when you’re playing a Telltale game and you just don’t process the timer ticking down to do something?

[Laughter.]

Ari

Silence is an option.

Tom

“Oh wait, I’m supposed to be responding to this.”

Ari

I thought it was on purpose.

Tom

[Embarrassed laughing.]

The Mossies snap out of their stupor and they’ll stack themselves up and boop a face into the hand.

[Music returns.]

Kyle (as Jam)

Alright! Yeah! Cool!

Kyle

As this person gets louder, sound waves start to shoot out around you. At least a couple windows start cracking.

Kyle (as Jam)

Well you know, it’s not my prerogative to tell you guys where or where not to go, but the Black Box, that’s a pretty dangerous place. Only the most dangerous and eligible people go there, like… like the Butcher.

[Music changes to sinister mystery music.]

You don’t want to get on the Butcher’s bad side, let me tell you that much.

Hallie

Pokeyo, who wants to be a chef, quietly reaches into their cartoon pocket space and takes out their chef hat and puts it on.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Cheerful.] Oh-ee-kope?

Hallie

Pointing at it like “yes, butcher, uh-huh.”

Tom

From across the street a rat sees the chef’s hat and huffs and walks the other way.

Hallie

[Laughs.] What a poser.

Kyle (as Jam)

Oh dang, you guys got costumes? What’s the other costumes?

Kyle

Jam looks at the other two.

[01:05:00]

Ari

Mallea will throw some confetti on top of himself.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

The Mossies take the piece of metal they spat out and put it on one of their heads as a hat.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope.

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Kyle (as Jam)

Well, uh… you guys sure you wanna sign up for this?

Kyle

I’m gonna do… Just because I know we gotta stop soon, I’m gonna do a scene transition.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Wrestling music begins.]

You are now in costume form as Jam has taken you to the Faire Theatre District. You can hear this deep chanting of a crowd hungry for violence. Jam is taking you back, like:

Kyle (as Jam)

They don’t got any rules for this fighting arena. There’s no guarantee, I can’t promise it’s gonna go one way or the other.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Stammers.] Kope?

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um.

Kyle (as Jam)

From my knowledge, if you want to get information from the Butcher, you gotta fight him. It’s the only way he talks to anybody.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Disappointed.] Oh-ee-kope…

Hallie

Pokeyo is nervously scanning the surroundings for any sign that Boidelrat might have been here at some point in time.

Kyle

You notice little bits of plant-themed trash miscellaneously around the space.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Eh… oh-ee-kope.

Hallie

Pokeyo very dramatically puts a little hand up on their face.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Relieved then determined.] Oh-ee-kope? Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope!

Hallie

They do little fisticuffs.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope, ee-kope, oh-kope… eh, kope.

Hallie

But then it’s immediately followed by a shrinking, like, “I am afraid” kind of a thing.

Emily

Aww.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm.

Tom

The Mossies just nod.

Ari

Mallea likes the fisticuffs.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

And then just like show teeth through their open mouths.

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um.

Hallie

But then Pokeyo’s gonna, like… it’s clear that Pokeyo supports the violence, but zips behind Mallea and Mossies because they are the attack mon. Pokeyo is the healer. So, this is Pokeyo’s way of showing support, zipping behind the big boys.

Kyle

Yeah. You hear sounds of violence, of slashing, of bludgeoning, of war, and eventually just an anguished:

Kyle (as ???)

Please, no more. You’ve won, Butcher, I swear. I’ll— [Impact sounds.]

Kyle

And this man… I’ll just say out of character it was Septimius Severus.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

He just gets knocked back into the cage which bends against him. It’s similar almost to setting up for Irene the first time where there was the explosion, but this time a man is getting hurdled aggressively, violently against the cage. A voice, um… Chazz would not announce this.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Just thinking, would Chazz be here? No.

Kyle

I don't think Chazz would announce this.

Tom

No.

Kyle

Do we have anyone who would announce this?

Hallie

Just bring back the… bring back—

Tom

Singing telegram guy.

Hallie

“Hey, I got a divorce, I’m making money by doing this.”

Kyle

You hit him against a wall! He’s fucking… He’s got nothing.

Tom

He got back up.

Hallie

He’s bounced back from worse! Yeah, come on.

Tom

There’s nothing else we could do to him that the world hasn’t already done to him.

Hallie

Right? And now he’s here.

Tom

Get him back on his feet.

Kyle (as hustler)

Well hey! Just like I lost my wife, and I lost my money, and I lost my toe which is why I had to take this job… Septimius Severus has lost the match against the Butcher. Can no one defeat the Butcher? Well, maybe…

Kyle

What are your wrestling names?

Hallie

Oh man. Uh…

Ari

Turn Them to Mush? Mush.

Tom

Sous Chef.

Hallie

Die-rene.

Ari

[Amused.] Die-rene!

Tom

That sounds so awful. No, I’m X-Carding that.

Ari

[Laughs.] I understand. I understand why now. It was good and then… yeah.

Tom

No. Stir Fry.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

We’re really scrambling.

Emily

Ratatouille!

Hallie

Just Ratatouille.

Tom

[Amused.] Ratatouille. The rat, also in the crowd, just flings down a pamphlet and storms out.

Kyle (as hustler)

Perhaps Mush, the Sous Chef and Stir Fry can!

Kyle

And the crowd is chanting for blood. You’ve been in Necromon arenas, but this is different. This is real. Necromon arenas are set up so that you have Res Points and you never really get damaged, but this is real genuine war against the most terrifying foe that all of the Hereafter can provide.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

You walk up, and what do they see, Emily?

Emily (as Booker)

[Smug and tough.] Rekoob.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

[01:10:00]

Hallie

Nooo! What? What?!

Tom

Oh!

Ari

Oh…

Emily

[Giggles.]

Hallie

Why are you here?!

Tom (as Mossies)

Awm…! See-sawm!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee?!

Kyle

And you see a small book with hazardous, terrifying torn-out pages and a knife.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Deeply confused and startled.] Oh-ee-kope?! Eh?!

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay? Lay-um?

Tom (as Mossies)

Sawm…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Ee-oh?!

Ari

Mallea will make a shape of Boidelrat and then cross and then a shape of Booker, like, “we found the wrong one.”

[Laughter.]

Tom

The Mossies are just banging on the cage.

Hallie

“Let us out!”

Kyle

“Let us out!” What I love is that Booker is more powerful in an arena but I think he’s genuinely more threatening here because he has the thirst for blood.

--

Emily (as Irene)

A maybe is a yes that’s not a yes yet.

Emily

[Laughs.] Don’t put that in. Irene knows what consent is. Cut that.

--

Kyle

When you said Booker was hiding, I just imagined him in the fucking treetops.

Tom

I do kind of imagine Booker seeming to hiss a little bit and scuttling up and scary.

Emily

Scuttling away.

Kyle

He’s terrifying.

Tom (as Hilda)

He just likes to do that sometimes. He’ll come down.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker, just be careful to not get pine sap all over you.

Emily (as Booker)

[Indignant.] Rekoob~!

Emily

He kicks a pinecone down.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Defeated sigh.]

Kyle

Walnut runs after the pinecone wondering if it’s a mon.

Tom (as Hilda)

You’re going to get it stuck in the little folds of your page legs.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

[Sighs.] I’ll get the cue tips.

[Laughter.]

--

Ari

Trying to cross his arms. Trying!

Kyle

Yeah, are his arms big enough to cross or is it just little—

Ari

No, that’s why I said trying. It’s just…

Hallie

T-Rex.

Tom

They just sort of fold in together to the mushroom body.

Kyle

God, I love it.

Ari

Yes, just like folds.

Tom

Stubby little nubbins.

--

Tom

I would like to include the small detail of the Mossies for the last many miles have been riding on Mallea’s head.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

Aww.

Kyle

I love it. The sun is twinging on them so they almost… they don’t fully burn but they spark a little bit like three little candles on Mallea’s hat.

Ari

[Smiling.] Oh my god.

Tom

I was thinking they just look weirdly shriveled and prune-ish.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Weakly.] See… sawm.

Kyle

All I can think of is the SpongeBob “I don’t need it… I don’t need it… I need it!”

Ari

I don’t need it… I need it!

Kyle

But yeah, you get in the water and you puff up again.

--

[The Necromon make “ooh” and “ah” sounds.]

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That was so coordinated. I’m so proud of us.

--

Kyle

[Enthusiastically plays with maracas.]

Emily

Are you enjoying yourself?

Tom

Are you having a lot of fun with those maracas?

Emily

It’s a pair, a pair of maraca… pairaca.

Hallie

[Starts shaking a maraca.]

Tom

You also have one?!

Kyle

I’m gonna hate myself for this when I’m editing.

Hallie

Rita brought me this from Cancun.

Tom

Nice.

Hallie

She got everybody a different maraca from their honeymoon.

--

Tom

Because we’ve gone deep into Winnie the Pooh’s Grand Adventure, I’m really appreciating that Pokeyo has become the Rabbit of the group and Mallea the Tigger.

Hallie

Yeah!

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

That’s so true.

Ari

Yeah, that’s accurate, actually.

Hallie

And it’s so cute.

Ari

So is Pokeyo Eeyore? Not Pokeyo…

Tom

The Mossies?

Ari

The Mossies, yeah. Sorry.

Tom

I think the Mossies have to be Eeyore here.

Ari

Yeah, that’s what I meant. The Mossies are Eeyore.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Mm-hmm.