42. A Birthday Haunting (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music begins, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

This ghost comes and just boops a little cone on you. Tom, I need you to roll me a 1d6.

Tom

Oh dear.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Stella, did you ever actually register when you died?

Kyle (as Earl)

I can grab the gifts off your hands: you know, gifts, coats, all of that.

Hallie

[Laughs and squirms.]

Ari (as Quique)

We’ll take care about the gifts. No worries there.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We’ll take care of the gifts.

Ari (as Quique)

My plan was to send “me” to go and buy a gift.

Kyle (as Juniper)

I can help!

Emily (as Irene)

I didn’t know that she was coming.

Kyle (as Earl)

I made sure to invite every person that I’ve heard Irene talk about.

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m sorry she ran off, though. It happens a lot when she’s at home, too.

Kyle

The door knocks.

Tom

Nooo.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

My apologies, sir. My name is Indrid.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Happy birthday, Irene.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

So, I want to Paint the Scene for a second here. I want everyone to go around and describe a way in which Elliot has lost control of his life. Now, I want to explain what I mean by that for a second. I don’t mean he’s crying in the bathtub at 2 AM eating a gallon of ice cream. I mean literally ways in which Elliot is trying to exert control over his life but that control is being wrested from him. Basically, how is the universe just shitting on this guy despite his best attempts? Don’t say I’ve never given you anything, Hallie.

Hallie

You’ve given me one thing.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

You’ve given me one thing and it’s this.

Emily

So, Elliot cares a lot about looks. He’s been expanding his wardrobe of various expensive pale dress shirts, and every single one he has dripped coffee down the front.

Ari

Oh no!

Emily

This is based on my life.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

The only thing I’m going to change for that is “he” has not been dripping coffee down the front, at least not from his point of view. Despite all of his efforts, coffee keeps dripping down the front.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Hallie

He would rephrase it that way.

Kyle

It is as if physics himself has rebelled against him. He has considered sippy cups.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

He has gone to the point of sippy cups, and it still spills.

Tom

I have an idea. It’s kind of subtle, but it drives him furious. All over work, any time Elliot has to interact with any sort of Overseer or investigator, every single one has quoted an awful viral video at him. They keep tricking him into saying something to the effect of “detective, this is a crime scene” so that they can say “what, is this the murder weapon? Get off my dick!” And then they high-five each other and laugh.

Hallie

[Squeaks in delight.]

Tom

It was not funny the first three or four times, and then it was maybe a little bit funny from times five to ten. After time 20, it got really funny for everyone else and deeply unfunny for Elliot, and it has made it impossible for him to work in peace.

Emily

I feel like the Rons had a movie night and just ended up watching cat videos and stuff, and then they’ve just been haunting Elliot.

Kyle

It’s all dead memes, like a bunch of Rickrolls, the shoes, the “what are those.” Specifically the Undertakers. The Overseers do not do memes.

Tom

Undertakers. That’s the correct one. Sorry. The Undertakers have made Elliot’s work life a living hell.

Ari

In addition to him caring about his looks, I assume that Elliot cares a lot about his car. It’s an electric car, not to save the environment but because it’s so expensive. “Oh man, look at me, I have an electric car.”

Hallie

Like a Tesla.

Kyle

For true insult, his car is an Edison, not a Tesla.

Hallie

Yep.

Ari

The electric car has not worked. It doesn’t turn on. The battery drains really fast. He has to take it in to the mechanic, and apparently he needed to do a bunch of software updates somehow. When he comes back, oh man, there was another software update that he needed to do, and it’s just passing like that. So now he doesn’t have a car.

[00:05:00]

He tried using a bike, but he doesn’t actually know how to ride a bike.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Ari

And he refuses to ask for help and rides and stuff, so now he just has to figure out how to transport himself.

Tom

In the rain.

Ari

In the rain. He refuses to take public transport. “Come on. Riding in the bus with these other peasants?”

Emily

Elliot has spent his inheritance on Ubers.

Hallie

[Laughs.] His whole inheritance, because he always gets the fancy XL Uber that’s just for him.

Emily

During rush hour.

Kyle

Alright, Hallie.

Hallie

Elliot got his first overdue library fine.

Kyle

He couldn’t get there because his car wasn’t working!

Hallie

[Delighted.] He couldn’t get there because his car wasn’t working!

Tom

His perfect record, lost.

Hallie

His perfect record. He had to pay the library, probably one dollar, and that’s gonna haunt him for the rest of his fucking life. The library staff laughed at him. They said “Elliot, you have an overdue library book?! For shame! For shame.”

Kyle

What was the book?

Hallie

Um…

Emily

You know Elliot loves to read things like Catcher in the Rye.

Hallie

That’s what I’m trying to say! I’m trying to think of a Catcher in the Rye alternate title. That’s exactly what I’m thinking of, but all I could think was One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and I was like wrong book, wrong book, wrong book.

Kyle

Uh, Pitcher in the… What’s a type of bread?

Hallie

Pumpernickel.

Kyle & Emily

[Chuckling.] Pitcher in the Pumpernickel.

Hallie

Yeah, I would read that.

Emily

Yeah, but that sounds like a fun thing. Elliot’s not fun enough for pumpernickel.

Hallie

Um… in the Sourdough?

Kyle

Eww.

Emily

Wheat?

Hallie

In the… bran?

Kyle

The bran!

Emily

Bran!

Hallie

The bran!

Kyle

Pitcher in the Bran.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Finally, my thing is that all of this has happened despite him receiving a promotion.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

Because you see, the case with Irene Hawthorne, he might have lost it but it was a high-profile case and quickly skyrocketed him to what should have been more power and prestige, and yet we see hurried footsteps walking and echoing across the floor. Click, click, click, click, click.

[Silly ghostly music plays.]

Next to them there is the trail of a very long paper receipt that is just kind of bouncing on the ground. As we raise our view, we can see that the receipt is attached to just a massive pile of books that was bought from the equivalent of Barnes & Noble because Elliot will never get a late library fee again because he’s just bought all of them.

The tower is kind of tilting up and down as he’s using the receipt to desperately try to blot off on his tie as one of the Undertakers who’s next to a drinking fountain points to his shoes which have had some coffee stains on them and goes:

Kyle (as Ron-12)

[Shouting.] What are those?!

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Uh… those are shoes, Ron-12. Hey uh, Mr. Hawthorne, you uh… you get my email?

Kyle

Elliot turns with an exasperated massive eyeroll.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Your… email?

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Yes sir. I just wanted to let you know that we Undertakers have your back.

Kyle (as Elliot)

You do now?

Kyle (as Ron-13)

[Chuckles.] Yeah, we sure do. We’ll, uh… never give you up, we’ll never let you down, we’ll never mess around and—

Kyle

With a click, click, click, Elliot speeds away from the conversation. Elliot then closes his eyes, breathing in the stale paperwork and listening to the opulent echoes of vacant hallways, interrupted only by the orderly ticking of a clock. For all his struggles, Elliot knows that the Bureau is where he belongs, and as long as he’s there he’ll have purpose.

But then, he steps into an elevator, one that just jostles him, and the books start falling over. He goes down for what feels like falling onto Earth himself, because while he in his head likes to imagine himself in the BITE courthouse, he’s actually been relocated to the ScubaCorp Spacescraper which has been taken over by BITE.

[Laughter.]

So much more gaudy, so high. He gets nosebleeds all the time. Just a horrible place. Yeah, as the elevator goes to a very dramatic stop, the books clatter down below and get some of the coffee stains on them.

[Music ends.]

He then brushes them up, pushes them into his car, just throws them in, sits down, presses the button… nothing, presses the button again… nothing. He just keeps slamming the button and his Edison car won’t turn on.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[00:10:00]

Kyle

We don’t even see that he’s slamming it because it’s underneath the only streetlight in the parking lot that doesn’t work, that just flashes on and off and on and off. It’s doing it at the same speed that he’s pressing it, so it just looks like his hand is pressed on the button. He’s gonna put his head on the wheel just screaming to himself as he desperately presses it.

[Long car horn blares.]

While we see the shadow of his hand as the lights appear, we also see another smoke-like shadow—more like tendrils, like long uncomfortable claw-like fingers wrap around and press the shadow of the button. As they do, the car lights up. Elliot just sighs.

Kyle (as Elliot)

It’s worth it, Elliot. You are Elliot. You are…

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Seeming to have a little bit of difficulty despite your new promotion, aren’t you, Mr. Hawthorne?

Kyle

Elliot looks up and he sees a figure, one in a very casual outfit, like the khaki pants, the loose tie, the mustard shirt. He’s got a smile that wraps to the side of his face, and he also casually flicks this lighter with a green flame in it. Flick, click. Flick, click. Seeing his superior, Elliot immediately:

Kyle (as Elliot)

Overseer Cold. What brings you here?

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Oh, I was just… I was quite impressed with that work on that trial. There were some nefarious forces at work there, real aberrations. Wouldn’t you say?

Kyle (as Elliot)

Yes, I suppose in causing order one must deal with irregularities.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Order. Yes. Nothing quite like order, is there? Nothing like a battery that never runs out, a wardrobe that is always pressed and clean, coworkers who are professional, and of course a library book always returned on time.

Kyle

Elliot just… Actually, I’m gonna say he does a Sparky scream, just the [Muffled scream.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He does that in his head, just screaming as he stares.

Kyle (as Elliot)

That would be correct, sir.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

And yet, I get the impression that is not what is quite going for you, is it?

Kyle (as Elliot)

I would never doubt the Bureau, sir. The Bureau gives order.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Eh, it gives order… from time to time, but if one isn’t committed to the goal, then one can’t see the benefits, can they?

Kyle (as Elliot)

What are you saying, Overseer Cold?

Kyle

Indrid Cold, his smile stays the same length, but his eyes grow wide with excitement.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

What I’m saying, Mr. Hawthorne, is I would like to offer you another promotion.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Flick, click. Flick, click. Indrid Cold playing with his lighter is the only sound being made in the living room of the Hawthorne family.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Did you at least bring a gift?

Kyle

Elliot turns and smiles.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Sparky, of course I brought a gift. You know, I’ve heard…

Kyle

And he starts rummaging in his bag.

Kyle (as Elliot)

I’ve heard that you’ve actually had difficulty finding all of your socks, so I have gone out of my way to procure…

Kyle

And he pulls out a beautiful, fitted, professional shirt plus dress addressed to Sparky Malarky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Not for me! For your sister, the birthday girl!

Kyle (as Elliot)

[Huffs.] Yes, Irene.

Emily (as Irene)

No-no, Boidelrat. I know it looks like there is trash in the doorway, but you do not want to make contact with him. The only ting he’s good for is losing court cases and hurting his family. Bye, Elliot.

Hallie

Sparky holds her hand up for a high-five.

Emily

[Laughs.] Irene looks at her.

Hallie

Sparky does not move her hand. She is still waiting.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Quite a firecracker, that one.

Emily

Irene takes a big step back and stumbles a little bit.

[Unsettling music begins.]

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Speaking of the trial, in fact…

Emily (as Irene)

I didn’t do the crime and you can’t take me anywhere!

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Oh, I have no intention of taking “you” anywhere, dear child. It is your birthday, and I thought a memento of our time together would be most appropriate.

Kyle

He pulls out, with a bow on it, from his pocket, a summoning coin.

[00:15:00]

This is the coin that summons somebody’s soul and sends it back. It was the thing that let you investigate with everyone else while you were trapped in jail. With his long, pointed claw-like fingers, he just extends it to you as a gift.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Go ahead. I’ve already gotten approval.

Emily (as Irene)

You can set it on the table. I don’t want to touch it.

Kyle (as Elliot)

[Exhales.] Always difficult, Irene. Alright. Come, I’ll take it and I’ll put her little cute training things or whatever they are there as well, since apparently she needs them.

Kyle

Elliot is going to take his gift, which is tiny one-eighth pound ankle weights for strength training…

Hallie

Jesus Christ. What?!

Kyle

You can tell this is the same one he gives you each year because you always sneak it back to him.

Hallie

What the fuck?

Kyle

He just sets it… I’m gonna say he lazily sets it. In fact, it brushes against and doesn’t really harm but it pushes back one of the branches of the little tree that Juniper gifted you.

Emily

Irene’s nostrils flare in rage, but she does not say anything else. Now that Indrid Cold has introduced himself to the conversation, she is not as excited to dunk on Elliot.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

What is the silence here? I thought this was a party. Oh, are these merriful hats for us?

Emily (as Irene)

[Upset.] You were not invited to my party.

Kyle

He points to Earl.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Were they for us, sir?

[Music ends.]

Tom

Hilda’s gonna stand in front of Irene and stammer at first.

Tom (as Hilda)

Do… Do you have a warrant to be here? Because otherwise this is an unlawful search.

Kyle

Let me… Oh, I’m looking at the wrong sheet. Um…

Emily

I don’t like that he has a sheet. I don’t like that you’re rolling. Did you know that? Kyle’s rolling.

Kyle

Hilda, what’s your highest stat?

Tom

My highest stat is Heart.

Kyle

I’m gonna use a move here from Indrid Cold’s character sheet.

Emily

[Groans.]

Tom

Oh dear.

Kyle

The move is called The Void Stares Back.

Ari

Oh no!

Tom

No…

Kyle

Reflect someone’s inner self back at them. If your target is a PC, choose their highest stat. Heart: You connect on a deep level with your target. Hold 1 full success on Convince Somebody with your target.

Ari

Ah.

Kyle

Now, Hilda would never believe Indrid Cold, but as he looks at you, something rattles Hilda to her very core.

Tom

I think it is honestly that Indrid Cold is very comfortable with ignoring the illusion of legality—that, at the core of his existence, he doesn’t need permission. That’s a thing somebody says somewhere, but no warrant or anything else is going to stop him from going where he pleases.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Oh, dear child, no warrants are needed here. We were invited, were we not?

Kyle

And Elliot pulls out an invitation, a handmade one with personal art.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

Honestly, really fucking good art. Earl is actually a really good artist even if it’s way too fancy for this.

Kyle (as Earl)

Wait now, I didn’t send that to you.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

No, but you did address it to one esteemed Oset Scuba of the ScubaCorp Spacescraper, and since that property is now under the domain of the Bureau of Intermortal Enforcement… May I?

Kyle

Indrid has now walked over to the table, pulls the two remaining party hats, looks at them, weighs them in each hand, and then just puts one on his head before giving the other one to Elliot. Elliot looks a little bit nervous. He holds it, and you can see he’s starting to sweat and he’s starting to be a little afraid.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Go on.

Kyle

Elliot takes it and puts it on his head. Remember how you had to roll every time you put on a party hat? That’s because one of them, this hat in fact, does the [Party horn fires.]

And a bunch of confetti and glitter just explodes on the side of Elliot’s head from out of the hat.

[Chuckling.]

Emily

Irene will take this opportunity to grab Hilda’s hand and pull her further away from Indrid Cold.

Tom

Hilda will not fight back. She is big scared right now.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Irritated.] Well isn’t this festive. We were just doing karaoke. Do you sing, Indrid was it?

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

I much prefer to listen, if I say so myself.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Condescending.] Oh…

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

However, Mr. Hawthorne…

Kyle

Elliot looks really alarmed back and forth.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Well, you’re quite exceptional at most things. I’m sure you can sing quite well. Can you not?

Kyle (as Elliot)

Uh, Overseer Cold, I thought we were here for—

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

The party. Yes, we were here for a party.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Every good party has karaoke.

[00:20:00]

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Every good party has karaoke.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Uh, well, um…

Kyle

And he starts sweating again. He stares at Indrid Cold who just motions to the stage.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Go ahead. This is a party after all.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You can’t crash a party and then not party. That would be two faux pas in one. “Du-pas!”

Kyle (as Earl)

Well yeah. Irene’s friend, you can, um…

Kyle
Earl looks around, and you notice for the first time that Juniper is just fucking gone. Both Juniper and Stella have fucking bounced. They are nowhere to be seen.

Hallie

They’re in a better place.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Don’t say that! Don’t say that when we’re in this kind of situation. Earl just awkwardly walks over and presses a button, and I’m just gonna say Barbie Girl plays.

[Off-brand Barbie Girl plays.]

Hallie

Hell yeah!

Kyle

Just flat-out Barbie Girl starts playing on the CD.

Hallie

No changes?

Kyle

No changes.

Hallie

Okay. I’d really like to record this on my phone while he’s singing.

Kyle

Yeah. Yeah. I’ll just let you do that.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

You now have this. You can use this as an asset against Elliot at a point of your choosing.

Hallie

Whoop-whoop. Then, I’m gonna plop down next to Indrid Cold.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay.

Hallie

We’re besties now.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Sparky Malarky’s gonna get herself disappeared.

Tom

Mm-hmm. Probably.

Hallie

You ever try to disappear Sparky Malarky? It is really fucking hard.

Kyle

Quique has.

Hallie

Yeah, and he didn’t do it!

Ari

It’s true.

Hallie

Now we’re best friends.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Wow, you just know everything. Seems like you’ve been out and about a lot lately. You ever been to a restaurant… ugh, it’s in the Hereafter, it’s in the After, it’s called, um… Pie Hop? Die Hop. It’s called Die Hop. You ever been there?

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Oh, the delights of diner food really are quite something.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, that didn’t answer my question.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Frankly, I’ve had no need to go to Die Hop.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That also didn’t answer my question. I don’t need to go there, but I go there.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Yes. Well, aberrations can come and go where they choose, but unfortunately I must do what the Powers That Be dictate, which speaking of, I did not mean to frighten the children but I have heard tell of a haunting in the area.

[Mysterious music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

A haunting?

Ari (as Quique)

Is it because of you? Are you the haunting?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Quite not. A haunting… you know, a haunting, a ghost terrifying a new couple’s house, a zombie rising from the basement, one of the dead taking up residence in a spot of the Here where one does not belong.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Does that still happen?

Hallie

She’s turning to Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, I guess technically they can. I don't know, it depends on what you define as a haunting. Why are you asking me?

Hallie (as Sparky)

I don't know, you’re a skeleton. You’re a skeleton.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

But like, I mean…

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know about this.

Ari (as Quique)

It depends on who defines it. If there’s a ghost chilling in a bar, would you consider that a haunting? That could just be Joe the neighbor from down the street having a drink at a bar. Would you say that bar is haunted?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah! Yeah. That’s what Indy here is saying. “Ah, there’s a haunting, people are scared.” ‘m asking, from your experience, do ghosts even do that?

Ari (as Quique)

That’s why I said this mic-dropping, as the cool kids would say, response as to “is the haunting you,” because that’s the only haunting I can think of, him being here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s what I mean. You’re around all the time and that’s not a haunting. People like Stella are around. People hang out, and that’s not a haunting. That’s why I was asking.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. A ghost being at a bar, is that considered a haunting? What is considered a haunting? What is your definition of a haunting?

Kyle

Indrid Cold’s eyes widen again.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

And pray tell, where is Miss Stella Hawthorne?

Hallie (as Sparky)

How should I know? She doesn’t live here.

Kyle

This is where I would normally have you roll to tell a lie. Right?

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Take 1 AP for automatically failing.

Emily

[Pained chuckle.]

Ari

No!

Hallie

Oh…! Wait. Wait.

Kyle

Because Indrid Cold may or may not have a descriptor called Detects Lies.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Wow! Fuck this guy. Fuck Indiana Cold.

Tom

I’m just going to casually declare him guilty while we’re at it.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Can I try and counteract that using Why Would I Lie? In my advanced, I can use Why Would I Lie when a different character is lying as well.

Hallie

She doesn’t “live” here because she’s not “alive!” Hook, line, sinker. Gotcha!

Ari

[Laughs.] If your character is lying, spend 1 AP. Oh, I forgot that I broke the game with that again. I misinterpreted the name of the move. This move is weirdly phrased, Kyle.

[00:25:00]

Kyle

It’s phrased exactly how I intend it to be phrased. That’s why I said as long as it doesn’t contradict any evidence. If I wanted to be strict, I would say… well no, I have said that Stella’s been bumming off of Aubrey’s couch, which to clarify, that’s what a haunting is. When you die, you automatically move to the Hereafter, but Stella never updated her residence, so she’s technically haunting Aubrey.

I want to stress that technicality part because it’s a pretty minor law that Indrid is making seem bigger than it is because he isn’t fun… but I want to be fun. I’m gonna say you can hear a car peeling out of the driveway as Stella fucking books it.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Good!

Kyle

But you couldn’t hear the car at first. It was silent. You couldn’t hear the gas because…

Kyle (as Elliot)

My Edison!

Hallie

Yeah, it’s Elliot’s car!

Kyle (as Elliot)

My Edison is gone!

Hallie

That’s what I was about to joke!

Ari

“My Edison is gone. It suddenly works.”

Kyle

Stella Hawthorne has stolen Elliot’s Edison and is fucking booking it.

Hallie

She’s running.

Kyle

She’s running from the law.

Tom

As one should.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Ah, a shame. I will say, the trajectory of tonight is not going at all how it was planned.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Tango store music plays.]

Kyle

We hear the jovial but spooky elevator music of Hobby Bobby, and walking through the halls looking for the things he needs for a gift is Kalimbo, but Kalimbo is not alone. He has recruited help. Next to Kalimbo we see a Quiclone in a puffy 90s jacket, a disgraced excommunicated ex-pop Quique, and a Kingpecker.

Ari

God. Somehow the clones have appeared as well even though they’re, like…

Kyle

They can just appear. They’re still around. You’re just shwooping them from wherever they were.

Ari

That’s fair.

Kyle

So yeah, he just called up his buddies. You use magic, but Kalimbo just picks up the phone and is like hey X-Avier, you doing anything. I know you aren’t, come here.

Tom

[Low and gravelly.] Yeah, no, I’m totally down. This is X-Avier’s voice, right?

Kyle

It was kinda like Dippy Fresh. It was Dippy Fresh—

Tom

[Silly, more surfer dude.] Hey~

Hallie

Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

Tom (as X-Avier)

This is X-Avier. Yeah, no, I’m not doing anything. Ha-ha!

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

Yeah, I knew you weren’t.

Ari

[Laughing.] Oh my god.

Kyle

Anyways. Yeah, the four of you are in Hobby Bobby.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Oh man, I love how small these shopping carts are. Ho-ho! Oh wow, that’s a coloring book. Yes!

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

Oh, it looks like a good one, man.

Emily

Urbano yanks that coloring book out of your hands.

Emily (as Urbano)

Do you know what filth lies in these? Look at this shape right here.

Emily

He points to one of the pages where there’s a big floral illustration.

Emily (as Urbano)

Georgia O’Keeffe? Do you know who that is?

Ari

Tucán will attempt to eat the page.

Emily (as Urbano)

[Yelps.]

Emily

Urbano startles.

Kyle

I also want to note, instead of having a meter, Urbano is now eternally on fire because Quique said he was doomed to eternal damnation if he failed to watch after Yunuen during the college episode, which he fully failed to do.

Ari

Oh yeah. It’s true.

Emily (as Urbano)

Failure… is up to divine interpretation, and he has indeed decided that I have failed.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Urbano)

I am a failure.

Ari

Tucán will just shake his head that he is not a failure and do a little pat on his head.

Emily (as Urbano)

Thank you, you beautiful being.

Ari (as Tucán)

[Squawks.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

Okay. Wow, guys, we’re doing a really good job considering that we’ve destroyed a coloring book in Hobby Bobby.

Tom (as X-Avier)

I don’t even know what we were here for again. I’ve fully forgotten.

Emily (as Urbano)

I also don’t know what we were here for.

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

Yeah, so, destroying a coloring book was on my list of things to do today, but it’s actually number three. Number one is, um… we’re here for… we’re here for.. a ‘poozlay.’

Emily & Tom (as Urbano & X-Avier)

A what?

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

A poozlay! A jigsaw poozlay.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom (as X-Avier)

Wha…?

Ari (as Tucán)

[Confused squawk.]

Emily (as Urbano)

A puzzle?

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

Oh! That must be how you say it. Yeah, yeah.

Emily (as Urbano)

I gotta look for this specific jigsaw “puzzle.”

Emily (as Urbano)

What is it of?

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

A swamp.

Emily (as Urbano)

I think you should go ask…

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

Oh, like a person?

Emily (as Urbano)

…an employee for the poozlays.

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

That’s so scary.

Emily (as Urbano)

I think you should go ask that.

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

That’s so scary. This is why I brought you guys along, you and the bird. I brought you guys along so I didn’t have to talk to anybody.

Ari

Tucán is gonna push Kalimbo up towards a clerk.

Hallie (as Kalimbo)

What? What?

[00:30:00]

Tom

X-Avier is just walking up to an employee.

Tom (as X-Avier)

Oh hey, my dude. Can you tell me where I can find like a swamp puzzle? Jigsaw variety. Not the movie, just a jigsaw puzzle.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Urbano)

What’s the movie?

Tom (as X-Avier)

… Don’t worry about it.

Kyle

A little doll man on a tricycle just hangs his head, sad.     Doo, doo, doo, just bicycles back to the back of the store.

Ari

Aww.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Hey. You know how comedic relief is used as a tool in order to help alleviate moments of tension?

Hallie

No.

Kyle

Anyways, you’re back at the party with Elliot and Indrid Cold.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Tom

That’s always fun.

Emily (as Irene)

Elliot, did you come to my birthday party to arrest another of your sisters?!

Kyle

Elliot just looks at you.

Kyle (as Elliot)

[Sighs.]

Emily

You know in the Necromon session where our characters, in that system, they had “breaks”?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

I feel like this is Irene’s break.

Hallie

Ha!

Emily

She will grab one of the little ankle weights and chuck it with all of her strength at Elliot.

Kyle

Throw me—Roll me Take a Swing with Fierce.

Emily

[Rolls.] Seven, plus 3, is 10.

Hallie

A 10!

Kyle

Take a Swing. Hit your target and choose one benefit.

Emily

I want advantage, I think. Yeah, I want advantage over Elliot. He’s just so startled that Irene is actually not behaving herself. She’s always mean verbally, but she is contained.

Kyle

He just gets conked on the head.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Ow! Oh, ow… [Seethes.]

Emily

I would like to throw the other ankle weight.

Kyle

Roll me Take a Swing with advantage.

Emily

[Rolls.] Five and 4, plus 3.

Kyle

So you can temporarily immobilize him or move him to a nearby position.

Emily

Maybe make him stumble back a little bit towards the door?

Kyle

Okay. Okay. You throw it at him and he just stumbles backwards, falls out the door. The hat goes down and spills everywhere, the confetti inside of it.

Kyle (as Elliot)

[Stammers.] This… This is why I didn’t want to come! This is why you…

Family. Family! Who needs people with family like that. Alright? Alright?

Emily (as Irene)

Yeah. I guess you’re finally figuring out how it feels, Elliot!

[Condescending chuckle.] We tried to love you even if we didn’t always like you. Now nobody loves you either.

Kyle (as Elliot)

[Pained chuckle.] Love. Love? Who needs love? Who needs love? All one needs is to get things together.

Emily

I want to throw the fruit basket at him.

Hallie

Sparky has procured popcorn in the background and she is just sharing it with Quique.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Kyle

[Amused.] Roll me Take a Swing.

Emily

[Rolls.] Okay, well, that’s still 7.

Tom

Hilda’s gonna Take One for the Team to upgrade that to a full success.

Hallie

Hell yeah!

Kyle

What does Take One for the Team do again?

Tom

Once per adventure, increase the roll of something to 10, ignoring stats. In response, the GM is able to hold one hard move that targets your character in particular.

Kyle

Okay. How do you take one for the team?

Tom

Hilda is just going to be, like, unnoticed in the background, crawling across the floor, trying not to be noticed, but behind Elliot such that, as he backs up to try and avoid this, he just trips over Hilda.

Kyle

Elliot just thumps to the ground.

Kyle (as Elliot)

[Flatly.] I hate this family. I hate this world.

Emily (as Irene)

We hate you now. We didn’t, but now we do.

Kyle (as Elliot)

That’s fine. I have…

Kyle

He just sits there and he stares at the sky.

Emily (as Irene)

This isn’t your home. You leave now.

Kyle

Flick, click. Flick, click.

Emily

Irene flinches. She completely forgot that Indrid Cold was there.

Hallie

Aww.

[Sinister ambient music begins.]

Kyle

The green light around Indrid Cold illuminates. He normally doesn’t have a shadow, but as he flicks the light his shadow covers the entire room.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

A brilliant show, Miss Hawthorne: a fine way of defending your home, which you have every right to do. If this wasn’t your home, however…

Kyle

And he looks at you, Hilda.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

…behavior such as that could be considered assault.

Kyle

He flicks the light on, and this time his shadow stays around the entire room.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

And that could be considered means for a visit down to the Bureau.

[00:35:00]

Emily (as Irene)

Hilda is my friend, so it’s her home.

Emily

Irene says, definitely not about to pass out from fear.

Tom

Hilda says nothing.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

It is quite the kind sentiment, Miss Hawthorne. Unfortunately, sentiments like that have very little legal bearing. It’s quite impressive you all made it as far as you did, and if I must be frank with you for a moment… You understand frustration, do you not, Mis Hawthorne? You understand fear? You understand how it feels to have a perfectly laid out plan only to see it peel down the distance.

Kyle

He says, pointing to the dot where Stella Hawthorne…

Hallie

[Laughs.] There are like scorch marks on the driveway.

Kyle

The haunting that is the source of the title A Birthday Haunting.

Hallie

That we just undid.

Kyle

Flying off into the distance thanks to a roll.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

On might say aberrations like that, well, they must be stamped out by… force, if necessary.

Kyle

He looks at you, Hilda.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

I’ll give you a chance to come quietly, if you so choose.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are you actually arresting her right now? Because I’m her defense attorney, so you’re gonna have to go through me.

Ari (as Quique)

And me. I’m not a defense attorney, but I can be one. I’ve been one before, I can be one again.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We’re both her defense attorneys, so you’re gonna have to go through us.

Emily (as Irene)

Hilda isn’t going anywhere with you.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

I suppose that is only fair that you bring along your team. I just hope it is fine if I bring along my enforcement team as well.

Kyle

He flicks the lighter again. His shadow looks like him for a second, but then it looks like there’s hair around it.

Emily

Ew.

Kyle

But the hair takes distinct long feathery form.

[Music changes to intense threatening music.]

From the back of his shadow two massive wings sprout, each of them shooting out their own feathers the size of small children, then they start to fall like leaves on an autumn tree. Every time they are plucked, you could swear you hear an ethereal ghostly scream from the flames. These wings fall to the ground where, from each of them, you see a pair of pale green dots. Then, they start rising, taking three-dimensional forms, each of them small, round and feathered. You quickly find yourself in a room filled entirely with hostile mothmen hissing at you.

Hallie

What?! Wait, what? No! I don’t want to fight a little mothman. There are so many mothmen. That’s so many mothmen!

Emily

Irene will look at the adults. She’s not gonna say the words “I need an adult,” but she needs an adult.

Tom

Hilda could also use an adult.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Oh boy. So, to clarify the situation, just Indrid Cold’s shadow has turned into little mothmen or Indrid himself has…

Kyle

No, Indrid is still there. His shadow basically sprouted wings which then propagated a bunch of mothmen. Every time one was made, a scream came from his lighter.

Hallie

Okay. This is like a scary Facilier type of thing.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m actually gonna say, yeah, the adults come to help you, and I am gonna roll Take a Swing with my Signature Item which is my lighter, so I get advantage, using the stat Weird which is +4.

Hallie

Jesus!

Kyle

[Rolls.] So I rolled an 8, and I get a 12 overall.

Hallie

What?!

[Threatening music begins.]

Kyle

Earl and Aubrey go to help you, but they’re quickly pulled back by the mothmen which I’m gonna say attach them to the wall and then stick on them like a bunch of orbs.

Emily (as Irene)

[Shakily.] Dad…?

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh, hey there— [Muffled shouts.]

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

One last chance, Miss Miszkiewicz.

Emily (as Irene)

This isn’t fair.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Perhaps not, but it is just.

Kyle

The mothmen are going to charge at you.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

It looks like our party is running out of time. You know who’s also running out of time? You. You’re running out of time to purchase the TTRPGs for Accessible Gaming charity bundle which is the focus of today’s announcement break.

[00:40:00]

[Game show music begins.]

That’s right. Did you know that there are no widely available braille dice for tabletop roleplaying games? You should because I mentioned it in the last announcement break. But, in case you forgot, the DOTS RPG Project has been working for years to create high-quality braille polyhedral dice and get them out into the world. This would allow blind people to have an affordable, beautiful, and fun way to be on equal footing at the gaming table, because you just can’t beat the feeling of rolling a Malaita, or you know, even a snake eyes with your own hands.

The dice are ready, but they need to raise the funds to actually make them, and that’s where this bundle comes in. For $10, which is just the price of Under the Neighborhood, you get Under the Neighborhood and over 300 other tabletop roleplaying games, and all these funds go directly to making colorful, high-quality acrylic braille dice. They even will do fancy metal versions if they get enough support.

Now, I want to note that part of the reason I keep bringing up this bundle is that it’s actually supported in part by our transcriber, who is fantastic both on her work with this podcast and on her work with DOTS, and I just think this is really important, it’s really good, and again, it’s a really fucking good deal. So, check out the link in the description for the game bundle and connect with DOTS on socials at @dotsrpg to get updates and learn more about their gaming accessibility efforts.

[Music ends.]

You only have until October 20 to get this bundle, but why don’t you just do it now, after listening to the episode, because we’re gonna go straight back into that.

Our next episode after this will be Crepe Escape. If you’d like additional stories, podcasts or game mechanics, you can check them out at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Intense chase music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

It’s time for a Confrontation!

The way Confrontations work is they have a goal and you have a goal. He has a goal. His is probably Difficulty 3. His goal is to get the person who broke the law. It was gonna be Stella, but thanks to your beautiful actions, it is now Hilda.

Hallie

Broke the law by tripping a man.

Kyle

But specifically, he’s not going after you, the mothmen are. The mothmen don’t have his stats. They’re a monster enemy that have a Fierce stat of +2, which basically means if you do something that is Fierce you’ll roll -2 because they’re good at that.

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

So his goal is get Hilda. What is your goal as these mothmen which are… they’re progressively starting to pile on top of each other and get up to the walls. The room is filling with mothmen.

Tom

I guess it’s escape.

Ari

For the mothmen not to get Hilda.

Tom

I suppose it would be too ambitious to say capture Indrid Cold.

Emily

Yeah, I don't think we’re gonna be doing anything close to that, but I think it would be nice specifically if Indrid Cold and the mothmen could not be in my house.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I want them to not be capturing Hilda. Not capture Hilda. Not be capturing Hilda. That means, if we win, I don’t want them to just come back the next day.

Kyle

Alright, I’m gonna give you Difficulty 4 of that, but because he is not fighting you, it’s not PC versus PC rules. In fact, because I want to be a real dick, he’s actually just gonna walk out the door and say:

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

It was quite a lovely party.

Hallie

Wow! Fuck this guy! Fuck this guy and his mothmen.

Kyle

Yeah, and now the mothmen are gonna go after you.

Hallie

He does not deserve custody of these mothmen. Fuck Indrid!

Emily

So, I am wondering about getting the Necromon involved.

[Music ends.]

Tom

[Chanting.] Necromon! Necromon!

Everyone

[Chanting.] Necromon! Necromon! Necromon!

Tom

Hilda will also take out a balloon axe.

Hallie

Hell yeah.

Emily

Okay. The, the… the Necromon attack. Attack, Necromon.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Yeah! Why not?

Kyle

You’re the trainer! How are you getting us to attack?

Emily

Irene’s kind of frozen.

Kyle

Come on, Team Irene’s Necromon. Irene is frozen. We gotta help our child.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee?!

Tom

It’s character growth time. Mossies are gonna use their newfound teamwork with Mallea to suggest a plan.

Ari

Ooh.

Tom

The Mossies are gonna pantomime with a bunch of:

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm, see-sawm.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um?

Tom

They want Mallea to bowl them at the mothmen so that the Mossies knock them over like bowling pins going everywhere, with the sound effect too. Just a bunch of Mossie fastball specials.

Ari

Mallea will get very excited at the prospect of tossing anything, especially his new friends.

Kyle

Alright. Ari, roll me 2d6.

[00:45:00]

Ari

[Rolls.] That’s a 10.

Kyle

Alright! Hell yeah. I’m assuming you want to fill your clock.

Tom

Yes.

Ari

Yeah.

Tom

Give it to us.

[Intense chase music begins.]

Kyle

Describe how you bowl over these mothmen which are starting to hiss and just start charging at you. It would be cute if it wasn’t so goddamn terrifying.

Ari

I think it’s just Mallea getting really excited at the Mossies being like ‘toss me’ and just running and doing a perfect… if there were actually bowling pins, it would be a perfect strike.

Kyle

Everyone’s miserable, but Mallea’s having a great time.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

The mothmen just (crash), like a strike effect, and as some of them get hit they actually fall back and sink into the ground where there’s just a little bit of that green flame, the green light from their eyes, which is the last thing that goes and it just ekes out with another tiny little scream.

Hallie

I would like to use 1 or several AP depending on what you make this cost. They are moths, so I would like to procure a big lamp, and I just want them to flock towards the light.

Kyle

So, 1 AP for the big light. I enjoy that you somehow don’t have Irene’s birthday gift but you do have a big ass light.

Hallie

No. Oh man, look at this fucking light. Well, I don't know. I was thinking I would flavor it like they have a chandelier or something.

Kyle

Mallea and Mossies, they’re throwing, and there seems to be extra force, and Mossies have like auto-aim on where if Mallea misses they’ll just whoosh back.

Ari

Nice.

Kyle

Similarly, when you go looking for something, you can’t seem to find anything. At one point you look back up. Maybe there’s something on the ceiling but you missed it. Suddenly,

[Beneath static.] the perfect light you need is there.

Hallie

There’s the whole, like, “aaah!” [evoking holy light}

Kyle

[Also makes the holy light sound.]

Hallie

Just the sound effect around it.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hallie

Okay. Then…

Kyle

I guess Convince Somebody with Slick, because you’re trying to… No. I’m gonna say with Heart.

Hallie

Okay. Both are -2, so it doesn’t matter.

[Hums a jaunty tune. Rolls.] Seven. No, 5, because of the -2.

Tom

I’m gonna Take One for the Team again.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

How does Hilda take one for the team?

[Music ends.]

Tom

The light doesn’t actually work as well as Sparky intended, so Hilda becomes the bait to lure them into the lamp.

Ari

Nooo!

Hallie

No! Hilda, no!

Kyle

I love that. I love that. Yeah, Hilda, what are you thinking of before you just book it?

Tom

“At least he’s gone. This is doable now.”

Hallie

Aww.

Tom

“It will be okay.”

[Intense haunting chase music begins.]

Kyle

And Hilda… (poof). Hilda runs away and, before any of you can follow, the mothmen block the door.

Hallie

No!

Ari

No~

Kyle

Hilda, you are running in the suburb, completely dark, with nothing except the green lights of the mothmen chasing you.

Emily

Booker pokes his head out of the trash can where he had scurred off to hide when Indrid Cold showed up.

Tom

Hilda’s gonna scoop him up and just keep on running, arms wrapped around Booker.

Emily (as Booker)

[Scared and growing frantic.] Rekoob? Rekoob? Rekoob?! Rekoob, rekoob.

Tom (as Hilda)

We gotta run. We gotta hide.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Gotta run. Gotta hide.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoooob!

Tom

I have 1 AP to spend and I’m gonna use it. It’s my move anyway, it’s Pulls Pranks. I’m spending 1 AP to pull a prank.

Kyle

Yeah, you’re gonna pull a prank on these mothmen as you run for your life.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Watch and learn. Here’s the deal. They’ll slip and slide on this banana peel…

Hallie

[Delighted.] Oh my god!

Tom

…that Hilda chucks behind her as she runs.

Kyle

[Laughs.] The tonal whiplash from Hilda running for her life from these tiny mothmen to just throwing fucking banana peels.

Emily

She pulls the banana peel off of Booker which had stuck to him in the trash and throws it behind her.

Kyle

Okay. Roll me, uh… I think Take a Swing is probably the most appropriate one here.

Tom

[Rolls.] Malaita. Nat sixes, 15 overall.

Ari

Ooh.

[Quiet happy sounds.]

Hallie

[Squeaking happily.] Malaita!

Tom

As we’re running, they start slipping on the banana peel, but then it becomes a cascade as more and more mothmen run into slipping mothmen, and soon an entire pile of mothmen is just sliding around in a weird squeaking pile down the street and they all fall into a little storm drain and get stuck in there.

[Music ends.]

Emily

[Squeaking mothmen sounds. Squeaking turns to hissing.]

Tom

Hilda takes a deep breath and slows the running a bit and rounds a corner, and there’s another mothman, just…

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Kyle

[Hissing and rattling mothman sounds.] It hisses and it gets furious and angry. It starts rising in size. You can see that it starts to form basically the skeleton of a bird.

[00:50:00]

Emily

I have a question.

Kyle

Yeah?

Emily

Would a mothman find it distracting if a burning skeleton appeared?

Tom

Oh my god.

Kyle

Are you just walking out?

Hallie

Just like strolling?

Emily

I feel like we’re just doing a cool walk back towards the house. We’re chilling. We’re buddy-buddy.

Hallie

I like to imagine that X-Avier has stolen a cart from Hobby Bobby and comes barreling through on that.

Emily

At first Urbano does not see the mothman. He sees only a child who is ready to be blessed.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Who faces the fires of hell instead.

Emily

He hurries forth, hand outstretched.

Kyle

The mothman turns around, the eyes growing wide as its creepy skeletal form takes shape, fury. You can swear you hear it whisper.

Kyle (as mothman)

Traitors.

Kyle

Hilda, it heeds no attention to you at all as it turns at Urbano and lets out a guttural scream.

Emily

Urbano holds two shaking fingers together in a cross shape.

Kyle

It leaps at you, and for a second it looks like there’s no hope for Urbano… but then you hear:

[Music ends on a high tense note.]

Kyle (as Juniper)

Time for this cookie to crumble!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Out of nowhere, a strong glitter of three… it looks like Neapolitan ice cream, almost, like a triple helix, hits the mothman which explodes and falls to the ground. Urbano, for a brief moment you see a floating glittering golden figure on a wooden staff, brown coiled hair, reaching towards the sky… before she flies away.

Emily (as Urbano)

[Hopeful.] Jesus?

Hallie

[Cackles.]

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Back at the house, how is everyone responding to Hilda fucking bolting?

Hallie

I’m trying so hard to get out the door. The door was locked by the little monsters? I’m trying so hard to get to Hilda. Oh my god, no, she’s my protégée. She’s like my child.

Kyle

Irene was freaking out. What was Quique doing?

Ari

I think the same thing.

Kyle

So, two adults desperately trying to reach out.

Emily

One child just standing there completely frozen.

Kyle

And the mothmen (poof), suddenly go away.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s good, right?

Ari (as Quique)

I think so.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s gotta be good. Hilda! Hilda!

Kyle (as Earl)

Irene, kiddo, are you okay? Are you alright?

Emily (as Irene)

I’m fine. I’m fine. Don’t touch me.

Kyle (as Earl)

Okay. Well, um…

Emily

Irene peeks out the door to see if Hilda’s there.

Kyle

You look out and you don’t see anyone for a second. You don’t even see Elliot. He seems to have just disappeared. After a few moments, you see three skeletons, a bird, Hilda, and then Juniper who happened to meet up with Hilda on the way back, suspiciously.

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

[Sarcastic.] Oh wow!

Kyle

“Yeah, I was just out here. I was just out here doing stuff.”

Tom

Wow.

Kyle

Coming back with a perfectly wrapped gift for Irene. No, sorry, the Quiclones did it. A really shitty wrapped gift for Irene.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I was trying to think, like—

Tom

That’s more like it.

Kyle

A really poorly wrapped gift for Irene.

Hallie

If it was perfectly wrapped, I’d say Tucán did it.

Kyle

Tucán actually was the best wrapper of the group, but no one let him because he was a bird and kept trying to eat the gift.

Ari

Yep.

Emily

Probably once Irene realized that Hilda was okay she would have just told everybody to leave.

Tom

Hilda’s also ready to go home.

Emily

Either that or she would have left. She would have just gone to her room and shut the door.

Hallie

Okay. Okay. Before everybody splits, sensing the really down mood, Sparky, who is just so fucking relieved that Hilda’s fine… She’s got her arm around Hilda’s shoulder.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Tonight was a lot. We’ve been through a lot. Happy birthday, Irene. We’ve been through a lot tonight, but I think we can all agree we’ve all got some questions. Yeah? So, so, so…! Who wants to help me break into Die Hop?

Emily (as Irene)

Ask me when it is not the worst day of my life.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Crickets begin chirping.]

Kyle

Irene, after everyone leaves, eventually you do sneak out and you open your gifts. What did Sparky and Quique get for Irene?

Emily

A jigsaw puzzle of a swamp, apparently.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Okay, well yes. So, it’s a jigsaw puzzle. It’s like a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle, and it’s of a swamp, like a pretty swamp, like a bayou, but the most important part of the jigsaw puzzle is that this jigsaw puzzle says “for 14 and up.”

[Cricket chirping ends. Sentimental piano music begins.]

[00:55:00]

Emily

Aww! That’s adorable.

Kyle

And then she turns to the gift from Quique.

Ari

His gift is a 3D printed magnifying glass that has her Necromon popping around the magnifying glass.

Emily

Aww.

Ari

On the stick of the magnifying glass it says “world’s greatest detect-team.”

Emily

[Gasps and sobs.]

Kyle

Aww, that’s so cute. You know, it was a rough day, but it seems like you’ve got some people behind your back.

Emily

Yeah, Irene feels kind of bad about how she yelled at them to all leave at the end of the day. [Laughs.]

Kyle

As you’re taking in this emotional moment, you hear a scream from one of the mothmen. You turn around and you see a figure, haggard.

[Music makes way to eerie shrieks.]

He’s tall with deep tired grooves under his eyes. His long black coat is filled with just a bunch of stains and other miscellaneous things. It’s crumpled and poorly taken care of. You can see his dyed green hair is now really brown at the roots. A really tired, upset, just lost control of his life Oset Scuba turns around the corner holding a wriggling mothman in one hand.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Kyle (as Oset)

Apologies for being late to the birthday party. I…

Kyle

And he lifts up the mothman on a hand that’s just covered in scratches.

Kyle (as Oset)

I caught you a rare Necromon.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

[Just so tired.] Please leave my home.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

How long have you been carrying that around?!

Kyle (as Elliot)

You know, you haven’t been to your trailer a lot lately. I didn’t want to bring that up. You know, hope you aren’t spending, you know…

Kyle

He’s trying to pull the “I hope you haven’t been at other men’s houses,” alluding to the fact that you’ve probably had a lot of sleepovers with Quique. He doesn’t know that.

Hallie

Yeah. Yeah. [Cackles.]

Ari

At other men’s houses.

Kyle

At other men’s houses.

Kyle (as Elliot)

At other, uh… people’s trailers. [Sharp inhale.]

--

Ari (as Quique)

What’s your deal, Mr. Cold?

Kyle

Hey Quique…

Ari

Yeah, I know you’re gonna do that too.

Kyle

What’s your highest stat?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

It is… Slick.

Kyle

It is Slick. I get access to one of your weaknesses.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Quite an astute observation, Mr. Hueso Canaca. I suppose that’s why your sobrina isn’t here, is it?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… that is irrelevant to my point, sir.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, you know Quique’s sobrina?

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

On a personal level, no, but you know, I like to keep track of my friends.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s kinda weird. Maybe you should stop being so obsessed with us.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

Oh, I quite assure you…

Kyle

And he looks specifically at the four of you.

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

…I am not the aberration here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Since you know so much, I’ve been looking for my socks.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Ari (as Quique)

Hey Sparky, maybe he knows why your coffee machine breaks all the time.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, why does that keep breaking all the time? That’s good thinking, Quique. Indrid, why does my coffee machine break all the time?

Emily (as Irene)

I think it’s just cheap.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That could be it, but you know, Indrid might have a different opinion here.

Kyle

Out of nowhere, he pulls one of your missing socks, Sparky.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

And you get to fill your tracker by 1.

Hallie

Okay, I like the tracker part.

Kyle

As Indrid Cold hands it to you, he says:

Kyle (as Indrid Cold)

You put the filter in upside-down.

Ari (as Quique)

Oh no. Sparky! I told you multiple times that filter looked weird. Did you listen to me? Oh, no, you didn’t.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You don’t even drink coffee! How would you know about it?

Ari (as Quique)

I don’t drink coffee, but I know how coffee machines work.

Hallie (as Sparky)

The filter! That’s… You don’t even drink it.

[Through gritted teeth.] God, the filter. God! Now I have to go out and get a filter.

Kyle (as Elliot)

You know, Sparky, the Bureau has a very nice coffee machine, and we are looking for more defense attorneys.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh wow. That sounds like the perfect reason to become a defense attorney, to get access to the Bureau’s coffee.

--

Emily

I maybe shouldn’t make this joke, you can cut it later, but Urbano feels right at home in this environment.

Kyle

Oh!

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

Hey!

[Laughter.]

[01:00:00]

Tom

Listen. I vaguely remember almost X-Carding “Hobby Bobby” because Hobby Lobby does not deserve to be in this. So, no, don’t cut that.

Kyle

Tom has reverse X-Carded.

Tom

Sorry. Speaking on behalf of Quest Friends! As an employee, fuck Hobby Lobby. They can go to hell.

[Laughter.]

I am saying this with the full authority of Quest Friends LLC. This view does represent the company.

Kyle

I mean, I’ll include that. Technically you’re a volunteer, but otherwise yeah, go for it. Anyways, yeah, you’re in Hobby Bobby.

--

Kyle

I want you to really think about it, that you are gonna go mouth-first into the middle of a Georgia O’Keeffe painting.

Ari

I don't know what that means, so yeah.

Kyle

She’s the vagina flower lady!

Ari

Oh, okay.

Emily

She painted many floral pieces that evoke… the vague shapes of reproductive anatomy.

Ari

Okay.

Emily

I love her.

Kyle

Anyways. Tucán eats the vagina paper.

Tom (as X-Avier)

But I wanted that.

[Laughter.]