43. Crepe Escape

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle

Hello, guests and ghouls! Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter, an audio cartoon using the roleplaying game Under the Neighborhood. I’m Kyle, he/him, and today I, my {“three”} best friends, and some dice are going to tell you a story about the Hereafter’s strongest crepe.

{Transcriber’s Note: The word “three” is beneath static. This will keep occurring. In this episode, speech beneath static will be written in these curly braces.}

Ari

Hello. I am Ari, she/her, and I play Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, the opportunist who, uh… I have to look it up. Creates copies and adapts? No. Is that not correct?

Kyle

Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, creates copies and adapts. Technically it’s the other order, but you’ve been creating copies a lot more, so I feel like that’s fair.

Ari

[Laughs.] Yeah.

Kyle

Creates Copies has just become the golden child, pushing Adapts back into the corner.

Ari

Yeah. Okay, I nailed it.

Emily

I’m Emily, they/them, and I play Irene Hawthorne, the Necromon Trainer who overextends. Her pronouns are she/her.

Tom

Hi, I’m [static.], and I will be playing [static.].

Hallie

Is it my turn? Hi! I’m Hallie, she/her, and I play Sparky Malarky, the intuition who investigates and has two mascot suits, also she/her.

Emily

Did you really take a second mascot suit?

Hallie

I’m determined to have two mascot suits that I never use instead of choosing anything that’s useful.

Ari

Oh my god.

Emily

But you only had one that you never used.

Hallie

I know, and now I have two so I can choose which one to ignore. It’s both of them.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yeah, so we’ll get into this later. We did some upgrades since last session, which again we’ll get into later, was a little harrowing, a little scary. Don’t really wanna talk about it right now. You know who also doesn’t want to talk about it? Earl Hawthorne. And that’s making Irene’s life a living nightmare. Today’s Slice of Life Complication is going to be for Irene specifically. What is something that Earl or Aubrey is doing to, from Irene’s perspective, ruin her life?

Ari

Out of the session, I was like oh man, another worried parent that wants to keep his child close and protect them from danger, and everybody thought I was making a Finding Nemo reference, but what I meant was a fucking Goofy Movie reference. I was dying because you got the wrong movie. It was A Goofy Movie!

Kyle

Listen, I’ve only seen A Goofy Movie once and it was alright.

Ari

No! It’s so good. Take that back.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

It is, it’s an excellent film. Ari, for the record, I knew what you were talking about.

Ari

Thank you, Hallie.

Hallie

You’re welcome.

Ari

He wants to take Irene and the family on a road fishing trip, but specifically for this one he wants to take them first to the shitty park that’s like a discount Chuck E. Cheese.

Kyle

He wants to take her to Chuck Beaver’s Emporium of Fun and Pizza.

Ari

Yes! Yes, yes.

Emily (as Irene)

One of my dads already took me there.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Because he would have no idea she went there, and Earl seems like the kind of guy who would hang out at the Ragtime District.

Ari

Yes. So that is my complication.

Hallie

Okay. You know how sometimes at the dinner table… we do this at Thanksgiving, you go around and you’re like here’s one thing I’m thankful for.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

Here’s one thing good that happened today. Here’s one bad thing that happened today. They do that every night at family dinner now. Irene has to keep a journal so that she has at least one bad thing and one good thing that happened that day so that they can keep tabs on her emotional wellbeing.

Kyle

Alright. What about you, Emily?

Emily

Earl bought… Actually, no. Aubrey knows even less about Necromon than Earl does.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Earl explained to Aubrey what Necromon were and then sent her to the store to buy some kind of game that was Necromon-related, so Aubrey found an off-brand Necromon style trading card game that they keep trying to play with her. They only have one pack of those cards, so you have like three options for what you can do.

[00:05:00]

Kyle

You playing this game has the same energy of like in Yu-Gi-Oh! when they’re actually playing Yu-Gi-Oh! on the desks rather than in the monster arenas.

Hallie

Yes! In the classroom?

Kyle

Okay!

Hallie

I think the one that has the most potential for ruining our day is the road trip one. Earl will be like I packed the fishing rods, let’s go, and Irene will be like no, I have to go do crimes.

Ari

I also… I mean, I don't know, I like A Goofy Movie, and this seems like just us doing A Goofy Movie but Irene is Max. It would make me happy, you know?

Emily

I so badly don’t want to figure out what I need to do logistically to make this happen, but I want it as well.

Kyle

Alright, that it is. Earl is taking you on a trip, which is not surprising because he hasn’t really felt comfortable in his house since your 13th birthday party.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

Last time we saw all {“three} of you:

[Upbeat recap music plays.]

Juniper remembered her gift for Irene’s 13th birthday party. Quique and Sparky, your gifts flew off the back of your car.

Ari

Correct.

Hallie

Yeah. Not my fault.

Kyle

You got there and you had a pretty tough time. Irene, upon seeing Juniper, immediately fled into her room {alone} while the two of you created a Quiclone in order to retrieve your gifts, Kalimbo.

Ari

[Chuckles.] Correct.

Kyle

The sexy detective.

Hallie

Ho-ho!

Ari

Ho-ho!

Hallie

Oh-ho!

Kyle

It was all fun and games, Juniper got you to do karaoke to pick up Irene’s spirits, until… Elliot showed up.

Hallie

Dun, dun, dun~!

Emily

Gross.

Kyle

Elliot’s annoying, but he’s not actually scary. Overseer Indrid Cold was there, and unfortunately he is both annoying and scary. Indrid said he was interested in pursuing Stella Hawthorne for illegally haunting the house, but then that wasn’t actually true. Stella just peeled off in Elliot’s Edison car, just booked it.

Hallie

Good for Stella.

Kyle

So Indrid Cold, furious, decided that he was going to go after {“Juniper”}. Juniper was chased by a series of horrifying shadow mothmen with green eyes before eventually you all defeated most of them and then the final one was defeated by one of the Quiclones on accident.

Emily

Urbano~

Kyle

And then, at the end of that, it ended with Irene opening her birthday gifts from the two of you and then being greeted at the eleventh hour by a very disheveled, very sad Oset Scuba who had caught a brand-new mon, which was just one of the mothmen.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And that is where we left you. At the very end, Sparky invited the {“two”} of you to infiltrate Die Hop, because there is a secret room as Sparky knows in Die Hop.

[Music ends.]

Sparky and Quique both know that there is this room. Irene knows jack shit.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Emily (as Irene)

Nobody tells me anything.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We’re telling you now!

Emily (as Irene)

A little late.

Ari

Loaded Dice, and I want to pick the 3 as the failure and the 4 as success.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

No, actually, I did that last time. A 3 as failure and 2 as success.

Kyle

Okay, 3 is failure, 2 is success.

Ari

And then what shall be the Loaded Die?

Hallie

[Rolls.] Alright. Half my stats are good and half are bad today. I’ve got a +2 in Heart and Fierce, and a -1 in Books, and a -2 in Slick.

Kyle

So, you are going to infiltrate Die Hop and you are not feeling slick. You are just going in with moxie and bravery.

Hallie

I’m going in with moxie, bravery and a mascot suit that looks like a crepe.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright Ari, what was your Loaded Die?

Ari

Loaded Die was 14!

Kyle

Ooh, 14.

Ari

I rolled a Malaita.

Hallie

Christ! What?!

Kyle

Ooh! Why is Quique feeling so prepared?

Hallie

Yeah?!

Ari

Uh… I don't know. He just wants the adventure.

Kyle

Yeah. I mean, quiet times really suck, don’t they?

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Quiet times are just so hard. That’s when the thoughts get in, the thoughts of… it doesn’t matter.

[Sentimental music box music plays for just a moment.]

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

So you gotta get distracted, and you know, Sparky’s been really helpful at that. The day that you’re gonna go infiltrate, you check your mailbox and you get…

Ari

[Uneasy.] Mm-hmm?

Kyle

[Bursting sound.]

Ari

Oh god.

[Electro swing plays.]

Kyle

An explosion of confetti on your face.

Ari (as Quique)

Agh!

Kyle

On the inside, you see an invitation to the… not premier, but the celebration party for the brand-new hip musical ‘Swan Shine!’

[00:10:00]

With an exclamation point, hosted by the tag-team duo of Xochi…

Ari

Hmm…

Kyle

…and then in much smaller text…

[Smirks.] Ari.

Ari

No! No!

[Laughter.]

Nooo!

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Ari

Oh… Oh nooo!

Kyle

You have the option to X-Card that.

Ari

I don't know. I just feel like it can get confusing if that nickname is used a lot. I don't know. I don't know how to feel about this. You can keep the audio, but I don't know if you can keep the nickname. I don't know. I like the idea, it just might get too confusing.

Kyle

We’ll just say it’s just Xochi. Ariel isn’t even included on it.

Hallie

No! I X-Card the X-Card.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

We’ll play it by ear. Ari just knows that, if I say her name in a singsong way, I’m not speaking to her.

Ari

No! That would be just so weird! I don’t like that.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Is that not the point of Xochi?

Hallie

“Is that not the point?”

Kyle

In either case.

[Music ends.]

Ari

I think Quique has an agenda of things, and he will just write a little music note on his agenda on that date, and then he’s going to just immediately call Sparky and ask her when the operation for Die Hop begins.

Kyle

Aww.

Hallie

That’s so cute.

Kyle

Sparky, you’re very thankful for this because it gives you an excuse to hang up the phone on Alina.

[Whimsical music plays.]

Ever since you graduated high school, Alina has just constantly kept in touch, always wanted to go on mysteries with you. She has just always been there to go on shenanigans with you, and it’s a lot right now.

Hallie

It’s a lot. It’s like what I thought that I wanted but actually maybe isn’t what I wanted all along.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

That’s all.

Kyle

I mean, it can’t… like, it’s kinda weird. {“That’s just how it’s been since high school.”}

Hallie

{“No, no, that’s how it’s been.”}

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

But it’s like… that’s how it’s been.

Kyle

Irene, I’m assuming you’ve spent a lot of this time hiding in your bedroom.

Emily

Yes. I’ve been doing some secret strength training.

Kyle

Using the gift your big brother got you?

Emily

She took them into her room when nobody was looking and she practices with them every day.

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

What did you do with the other gifts? The tree from Juniper, the summoning coin from Indrid Cold, and then the gifts from Sparky and Quique.

Emily

Well, I have a skill in Gardening, so obviously I’m taking very good care of that tree. The summoning coin is locked in a small box that’s locked in a bigger box that’s stuffed in the back of her closet.

[Music changes to ominous ambience.]

Kyle

I like to believe that the mon all recoil from it. You know in a horror movie how they’ll supernaturally be recoiled by Satan or whatever? It just gives off the vibe of, like, (hiss).

Emily

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Boidelrat can’t hiss, but she tries.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

The Mossies shockingly can. It is a very wet hiss.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

[Long throaty rattle.] That’s what the Mossies’ hissing sounds like.

Hallie

Sounds like a little kazoo.

Ari

Mallea does the angsty anime thing of just closing his fists. You know what I mean?

Kyle

[Laughs.] How about you, Pokeyo?

Hallie

Pokeyo looks at it with disdain—certainly not fear, just crossed little arms and big huffy disdain. They never go within a foot of it, but not because they’re afraid, because they’re disgusted.

[Scoffs. Sarcastic.] Not afraid of it at all, and its vibes.

Ari

Of course not.

Kyle

No.

Hallie

No.

Ari

Na.

Hallie

Na.

[Whimsical music returns.]

Emily

The gifts from Sparky and Quique obviously are displayed as points of pride.

Ari & Hallie

Aww.

Kyle

How quickly did you solve Sparky’s puzzle?

Emily

So quickly. It was really boring, but it made her happy.

Hallie

Wow!

Emily

I feel like she painstakingly mod podged the back of the puzzle so that it will stay together.

Hallie

Aww.

Emily

She framed it and everything. If Sparky or Quique were ever to enter her room, or Juniper, she would hide it. Anyone who knew what the gifts were. She would take that picture down from the wall and hide it.

Ari

That’s so cute.

Emily

Because obviously she doesn’t care about it.

Kyle

Yeah. Yeah, not at all.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

And Quique’s gift?

Emily

She carries it around.

Ari

Yay!

Emily

She has also been learning how to meditate.

Hallie

Ooh!

[00:15:00]

Emily

She’s had a lot of feelings, and that’s unacceptable.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Yeah, feelings are bad.

Kyle

Meditating just like midway through a duel. Just like:

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh, Irene’s thinking pretty deeply about this next one, huh Aubrey?

Emily

It’s the only way she does not yell at her family.

Kyle

[Laughs.] I choose to believe it’s been like two days but it feels like ten years.

Emily

She’s really good at meditating now. It’s a super skill.

Kyle

I love that. Sparky, what time is everyone gonna meet at Die Hop?

Hallie

Um, we’re meeting at Die Hop at…

Kyle

It is busiest at 2 AM.

Hallie

It is busiest at 2 AM. Let’s go with, uh, 4 AM.

Kyle

So right around the time everyone has left?

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Yeah, so it’s getting pretty late the night before. Irene, in order to successfully get into the thereport, you’re gonna have to head out pretty soon, but Earl also wants to leave pretty soon because he wants to get to Chuck Beaver’s bright and early, which I’ll say opens at 1 AM.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.] For some reason.

Ari

That somehow sounds right.

Hallie

That Chuck E. Cheese opens at 1 AM.

Kyle

At 1 AM. This abandoned Chuck E. Cheese opens at 1 AM.

Hallie

I love it. I love it so much.

Kyle

So he and Aubrey are moving around a lot outside. You know the second you go out they are gonna be on you. You feel like a prisoner in your own house. But, tell me a bit about what Irene’s plans are and what she wants. Just tell me Irene’s mental state. Boidelrat is happy, she’s happy to go wherever. She was the only mon who didn’t get to go to Chuck Beaver’s. Mossies were kidnapped and taken to Chuck Beaver’s, so they are significantly less excited to go.

Emily

She has already tried to use that as an excuse.

Emily (as Irene)

The Mossies do not want to go. They had a bad experience.

Kyle (as Earl)

That’s alright. They can stay here or stay in the car.

Emily (as Irene)

[Huffs.] You can’t just leave a living thing in the car. Or a dead thing. Don’t leave anyone in the car.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh, alright. I guess Aubrey… Aubrey, there’s a really nice, you know, botanical garden. Lots of dead plants in there. Maybe Aubrey can go on a little walk with them.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Yes, I would find that quite stimulating, and I would like to spend time with, um… your companions.

Kyle

Aubrey says, a little confused. He has been especially concerned by the Mossies. He does not know if they are one creature or three creatures, and it really upsets her.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] They are two creatures, actually.

Emily

One of them is a parasitic twin.

Ari

Oh god.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Anyways, none of these excuses are working, and right now they think you are packing in your room.

Emily

Yeah. Irene is trying to figure out how to quietly climb out of her window without having them call the police immediately.

Kyle

I’m not even gonna have you roll for this, not right now. You have tried so many times that they have put up so many different defenses. I’m gonna say after your latest attempt, Irene, you just stumble back and fall onto your back, and we can see your shadow just appearing and disappearing. We’ll say there’s a dingy light in the top-center of the room and a ceiling fan beneath it, but it’s poorly built so the ceiling fan just covers the light half the time. It’s just like darkness, then you and the light casting a massive shadow, then darkness, darkness, shadow, darkness, shadow, darkness, shadow.

Emily

Oh, that’s so good for migraines.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Darkness, shadow. Darkness, shadow. It feels like your own shadow is getting bigger, looming over your room, but you know, it’s a metaphor… at least that’s what you tell yourself until your shadow talks.

[Threatening ambience begins.]

Kyle (as ???)

[Chuckles.] Quite a predicament, isn’t it, Miss Hawthorne?

Emily

Irene squeaks and flails.

Emily (as Irene)

What are you doing in my room?

Kyle (as ???)

That’s not quite the way to welcome a guest, is it?

Emily (as Irene)

I did not invite you in. You are not a guest. You are an intruder.

Kyle (as ???)

[Chuckles.] Yes. I suppose this is why you were the second choice.

Ari

[Laughs.] Fucking rude.

Hallie

[Squeaks laughing.]

Kyle (as ???)

In either case… That’s quite rude to say that to your own shadow, wouldn’t you think?

Emily (as Irene)

My shadow doesn’t talk.

Kyle (as ???)

Not until now.

Kyle

Your shadow is gone, but there is a different one tethered to you. Tethered to you is this being. She is built like Genie from Aladdin if you took Genie’s head and shrunk it down so the top was by his shoulders.

Hallie

Nice!

Kyle

Your shadow goes out, and when it hits the wall, it kind of goes up like a triangle.

[00:20:00]

There are two long arms that have giant wing-like divots at the bottom and then tiny little hands at the end. We’re gonna say they’re doing the clearly evil “ooh-hoo-hoo,” which is impressive considering this is a shadow that is in two dimensions on the wall.

The top of the shadow’s head which is, again, buried into her neck has three different spikes of hair at the top that float, almost like if you had taken feathers and just put my hair into the shapes of three feathers blowing in the wind. She’s got two piercing green eyes and then a wide gap in the shadow where a smile is.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes, this is not my shadow.

Kyle (as ???)

Mm-hmm. Well, it’s not your shadow as you knew it, but that’s such limited thinking. Wouldn’t you agree, Irene darling? Limited boxing in, just like this tiny little space.

Kyle

As she says that, like a mime she starts getting boxed in by this invisible box around her.

Emily

Irene doesn’t like that. She’s more angry because she agrees.

Kyle (as ???)

I knew you would agree.

Emily (as Irene)

I didn’t say anything.

Kyle (as ???)

I can see it though, right on your cute little face.

Kyle

She pinches her own cheek and it comically waggles up and down.

Kyle (as ???)

Oh, you feel trapped, stuck. Your own father turned against you. Oh, the humanity. A feeling, oh, I know better than anyone else you could ask.

Emily (as Irene)

What do you want? Why are you in my shadow?

Kyle (as ???)

Mm-hmm… Well now, that’s the question we were looking for.

[Music changes to swing.]

Think of me as a friend, a pal, not even that, think of me as a concept, an idea, a force that just so happened to land in your lap. You happen to be the only one to handle it. Think of me as, uh… think of me as “if.” Such a lovely word, if. It bears so many possibilities. If you take Door A, you can go on some fishing trip wherever and continue this stagnant existence that might as well be death, and if you take Window B, escape and go on your little quest and break your poor dear father’s heart. But… well, if you took a third option, well that’s me, dear Irene: If, the bearer of possibility.

Emily (as Irene)

My sibling Stella made me watch this movie once. It’s about a little mermaid, and she makes a deal with someone who says all her dreams will come true.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

Of course that is not the case. When I watched that movie, I said “ha, ha, ha, what a silly child,” because who would make a deal like that.

Kyle (as If)

[Chuckles.] Certainly not an adult. If presented with a choice like that, an adult would ‘think it over,’ come to the rational choice and not depend on the charity of others. No, no.

[Music ends.]

But if by chance an adult just happened to stumble upon a solution in their shadow, well, it would be quite immature to reject it due to a… Did you say it was a children’s movie?

Emily (as Irene)

Yes. Stella thought all the leads were hot.

Kyle (as If)

Ah. Well, I can’t think of an adult that would watch much less follow the virtues of that.

Emily (as Irene)

This seems like a trap.

Kyle (as If)

A trap? A trap? No, it’s a deal, a bargain. I will lay everything bare and I will even let you choose an aspect of the deal.

Emily (as Irene)

Explain further.

Kyle (as If)

Well, it’s quite simple. A small deal, a minor deal. I, temporarily for a brief period, take your place on this “trip.” I go, I do my absolute best. I’ll be a good, good daughter, a role that I know all too well, and you go off and go on your little adventure. All I need from you in exchange is, well… the ability to do so.

Emily (as Irene)

You keep pausing, and I have to say explain again, but you could just say the whole thing and stop pausing for dramatic effect.

Kyle (as If)

[Sighs.] I suppose, yes, your other half would understand the importance of drama here, but you yourself, Irene, wouldn’t.

[00:25:00]

[Magical music plays.]

I’ll put it plainly. I have the power to change.

Kyle

She’s going to rip open a wing like the inside of a jacket, and you’re gonna see hanging against your wall a bunch of wooden masks, some of which look vaguely familiar. You see a wooden mask of a face that looks like Rasputin amongst the crowd.

Kyle (as If)

All I have to do is plop on a mask.

Kyle

The mask flips up and it rolls down her shoulder, pops on her face, and then emerging out of your wall is Rasputin.

Kyle (as “Rasputin”)

And it is perfect copy. [Chuckles.]

Kyle

The mask flips back off and it goes back into the pile as If returns to the wall.

Kyle (as If)

But I need an agreement to make a mask before I am able to do so.

Emily (as Irene)

What do you get out of this?

Kyle (as If)

I get to spend some time in Irene Hawthorne’s shoes.

Emily (as Irene)

Literally no one wants to do that. You are going to have to give me a better explanation.

Kyle (as If)

I’m afraid that just won’t do, but if you want that to be part of your deal, I’m more than happy to.

Kyle

The shadow says, extending a hand to you.

Emily (as Irene)

You are going to tell me all about ‘why me.’

Emily

And Irene will hold out her hand. For all her posturing, she would definitely get roped into something like this.

Hallie

Would you also sell your soul to avoid going to the 1 AM Chuck E. Cheese? Many would make that choice.

Kyle (as If)

Instead of all, I’ll give you one, and no more questions after that.

Emily (as Irene)

Ugh. I don’t like that deal.

Kyle (as If)

I’ll give you knowledge that the world itself wouldn’t let you have.

Emily

That’ll get her.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene will shake that hand.

Hallie

She’s gonna be the smartest person in the world after this.

Kyle

As she reaches your hand, she starts (chuckling).

Kyle (as If)

Well, I am a shadow of my word, so the answer to your question of why you, why you, Irene… well, it’s quite simple indeed. I chose you…

Kyle

As she says this, the shadow for the first time appears directly in front of you fully three-dimension.

Kyle (as If)

…because Hilda is no longer here.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Tom

Hello and welcome to the announcement break. It’s me, Tom, and I regret to say that this is the end. Uh, sort of. I am stepping away from Quest Friends for a while, probably forever, but who knows what will happen in the future. Technically I’ve been stepped away for a while now, but it takes so long for things to get from recording to “out here” on the podcast that you’ve been listening to past me for a while now. That’s weird to think of.

There’s no drama behind this, it’s just that life has gotten busy and different for me lately. I got married, I have a house, I’ve got cats and a dog, and I want to focus on other things in my life right now. And I think that’s a good thing. It doesn’t have to be sad.

Quest Friends will still exist, it will still keep going, and you may still hear me in one thing or another every now and then. I don't know what the future will hold after Quest Friends is done, what my friends will do after this, so… we’ll see. I’m happy with where I am, and I’m proud of the work I did on Quest Friends, but this does mean you’ll be hearing a lot less of me in the future.

Anyway. I’ve put this off far too long. I’m going now. Farewell.

[Silly investigation music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

You are watching from the corner as a bunch of men in crop top polos, socks, sandals and khaki shorts are slowly ambling out of Die Hop. The giant inflatable fuzzy ram with the cowboy horn is shaking as if waving goodbye to them.

Emily

I am watching this? We are all watching this? Who is here?

[00:30:00]

Kyle

All three of you are. It is 4 AM. Everyone is slowly leaving Die Hop.

Hallie

Sparky’s gonna be like “finally.” I’d like to specify that Sparky has been there for hours. Quique and Irene don’t have to have been there, but Sparky is in full stakeout mode. She’s got like Cheez-its and soda and binoculars. I will use an AP to have binoculars for the rest of this session

[Music ends.]

Kyle

I will let you have binoculars. That’s pretty simple.

Hallie

Woohoo!

Ari

I think Quique did join Sparky because he couldn’t sleep anyway. He probably is reading or something instead of staking.

Hallie

He’s not like an active participant in the stakeout, he’s just there.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

He wants to be by Sparky, but he doesn’t want to admit that he wants to be by Sparky.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

What is he reading?

Ari

Another novel from Les Detectstuff, of course.

Kyle

What was the novel about? Yeah, I’m gonna keep going. I’m gonna keep asking questions.

Ari

Uh… it’s a novel about this detective that is staking out this seedy establishment at 4 AM.

Hallie

[Squeaks in delight.]

Kyle

I love how on the nose Quique is. Going on an adventure? Gotta read a Les book about it.

Ari

Yeah. I want my skill to be sneaking around spy-style because I am reading, re-reading, because he has reread these books a lot of times.

Kyle

I’ll say at one point a Jake is about to round the corner and catch Sparky, and because you’re skilled, Quique, without thinking you extend your leg which goes out and pulls her back around the corner as you’re still reading the book, not even looking up.

Ari

Also, I want to say extend the leg quite literally as in taking the leg off and bringing Sparky in, still reading the book.

Emily

Irene has another one of the Les novels that she has borrowed from Quique.

Hallie

Yes!

Ari

Yes! Yes.

Emily

But one of her braids has come undone and she is so close to falling asleep on this book. She has no idea what’s going on at this point.

Ari

Aww.

Hallie

Aww, baby.

Emily

Because it’s past her bedtime.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Can I have a little pillow or something that I can put under Irene if she seems too sleppy?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

She will stick probably Mallea on it because she doesn’t want to sleep, and we all know Mallea gets very cranky if it doesn’t get enough sleep.

Ari

It’s true.

Hallie

I would like to give Irene a Dead Bull.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Not like a bull that’s dead, like a Red Bull, but I humorously changed the name to Dead Bull.

Ari

[Smiling.] Dead Bull.

Hallie

Sparky’s had three.

Kyle

Do you drink the Red Bull, Irene? Sorry, do you drink the Dead Bull?

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

Let me see if there’s a roll for this.

Emily

She chokes on it a little bit.

Kyle

Roll me Keep Your Cool, Irene, to see if you, a thirteen year old, can handle Dead Bull.

Hallie

[Laughs.] She’s a teenager. She can handle anything.

Emily

Usually I like to do really well, but I feel like I should roll with disadvantage just to be authentic.

[Rolls.] Ooh, 6. You know, it could be worse.

Hallie

Six.

Ari

You got 6.

Hallie

I mean, that’s a failure, isn’t it?

Kyle

Yeah, so you get an AP.

Emily

[Pleased.] Yes.

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

Just imagine how a tired thirteen year old hopped up on Red Bull would act. That is now you for the immediate future.

Hallie

You’re welcome.

Ari

We have created another Slice of Life Complication.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Irene is now rocking back and forth a little bit. She’s still not reading because she can’t focus on the book now. She’s fiddling with her hands.

Emily (as Irene)

[Shaky.] So when are we going?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, it feels good, doesn’t it? Soon. Soon. See, all the Jakes are leaving.

Emily

[Pained chuckle.] Getting a little kid hooked on caffeine.

Hallie

How well do you do with this caffeinated death trap?

Ari

Oh man. Quique has been so engrossed in his book he didn’t realize what Sparky was giving Irene until it was a little too late.

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky! What? What did you give the kid?! Where do you even get this?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Dead Bull? Like every vending machine in the Valley. What are you talking about? What do you mean where do you get Dead Bull?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, but like, you can’t give kids this!

Hallie (as Sparky)

What? It says for ages 12 and up on the bottle.

Ari (as Quique)

Does it?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah. See?

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm. I feel like they should change that to later. I think… I don't know. Is this healthy in general? These things are not…

Hallie (as Sparky)

I mean, it gives you energy. That means it’s healthy.

Ari (as Quique)

Is it healthy, Sparky?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

I just, I just, I just… Yeah.

Emily (as Irene)

I can see so clearly.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

See?

Emily

Irene’s pupils are slightly enlarged as she stares into the darkness.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s the Vitamin A. There’s 300% in it.

[00:35:00]

Kyle

Irene turns over. She swears she can see a girl her age with like a book.

Hallie

[Cackles.] No! Kyle, no.

Kyle

Just standing there…

Ari

Kyle, what the fuck?

Kyle

…telling Irene “I think this is a bad idea.”

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique, do you wanna try one? I mean, you don’t really drink or eat, but you can. Do you wanna try one?

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

I don't know if it will affect me at all.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I wanna see. I really wanna see.

Ari

He’s gonna stare at it, and then he’s just gonna be like “you know what…”

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hallie

Sparky’s egging him on.

Ari

Let’s just yolo this.

Kyle

You’re gonna roll also with disadvantage.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

It’s just inherent in Dead Bull.

Hallie

The heist hasn’t started yet.

Kyle

The only person who can tolerate it is Sparky.

Ari

Okay. Would I roll with disadvantage to see if it…?

Kyle

Yeah, Keep Your Cool, which is Slick.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] I rolled a 12. It’s a dirty 12, but I rolled a 12.

Hallie

But you got a 12. Holy shit. [Claps.]

Kyle

You are the opposite, Quique.

[Quirky music plays.]

It is affecting you just as badly as Irene. Your body, your soul… because your soul and body are the same, is like you are suffering permanent damage.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Oh no! What?!

Kyle

However, unlike Irene, you’ve spent a good while now practicing repressing your anxious emotions, so you are now FOCUSED. You are laser-focused on the quest at hand, and I will give you… You know what? Fuck it. I will give you a permanent +1 ongoing the rest of this adventure.

Hallie

Holy shit.

Ari

Oh man. Okay.

Hallie

Sparky looks between Quique zonked out of his mind and Irene whose pupils are like owl sized and is like:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, look at this team. We’re gonna do great things tonight.

Ari

Quique probably still thinks that it doesn’t affect him even though he cannot focus on anything else.

Ari (as Quique)

See, Sparky? I told you this wouldn’t affect me. Anyways. When…? What have you found out during your exploring here? I’ve mostly been reading, but you must have been…

Ari

He’s just gonna keep going.

Ari (as Quique)

You must have found something on this.

Emily

Irene is not registering any of this. She’s slowly reaching out to nothing.

Kyle

I’m gonna play back, Sparky, how you heard Quique say that.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari (as Quique)

[Replayed at 2x speed.] See, Sparky? I told you this wouldn’t affect me. Anyways. When…? What have you found out during your exploring here? I’ve mostly been reading, but you must have found something on this.

Kyle

Because Quique’s just talking at twice speed the rest of this adventure and he doesn’t realize it.

Ari

Yes. He’s all shaking, the rattling bones.

Hallie

It’s making the rattling bones sound effect. She can hear probably 75-80% of what Quique is saying. That’s how much she’s getting. She’s just nodding.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah… Yeah. Alright, so here’s what I found out. You gotta listen. You gotta stop talking so that I can talk so I can give you the information that you… that you are asking for.

Ari (as Quique)

What do you mean I have to stop talking? I am quiet. I am quiet as the grave.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know what? I’m just gonna go, and you’ll get to see how much you soak up. Listen.

Hallie

Can I roll just a general stakeout kind of a thing?

Kyle

Yeah, roll me Understand.

Hallie

I’d like to use my ability Shoot First, Ask Questions Later.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Choose Touch the Other Side or Understand. Use +Fierce for this basic move instead of +Books. So, I am gonna get a +3 instead of a -1.

Kyle

Okay.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I’m using a move!

Kyle

I’m so proud of you.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Thank you. I got a dirty 12!

Kyle

Hey!

Emily

Woo!

Ari

Ooh.

Kyle

Alright. Ask me one simple question and I will answer it.

Emily

[Playing indignant.] he’ll answer “your” questions.

Hallie

How many employees are in Die Hop right now?

Kyle (as Philippe Égalité)

I am French. Oh-ho-ho. What a beautiful day. Oh-ho-ho. I am going away!

Kyle

Philippe Égalité sings as he leaves Die Hop. It’s empty.

Hallie

Yes! Perfect. Okay.

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

She’s got like tally marks of all the people who went in and out. She’s been painstakingly tracking the number of people. She’s gonna slap the notebook shut and go:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Well that makes the last one who left. There are no customers and no one—

Ari (as Quique)

[Loud and abrupt.] Hey Sparky! Sparky, I think everybody has left the establishment.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes. That’s… Good job, Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

According to the tally marks I have seen in your notebook, it seems like everybody has left the establishment.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Mm-hmm. That’s… yes. Yes. Yes, you’re so good.

Emily (as Irene)

What about that customer over there?

Hallie (as Sparky)

The who?

[Laughter.]

Emily

Irene points to nothing.

Hallie (as Sparky)

The what? Oh, Irene, there’s nothing over there.

[Exhausted chuckling.] Oh no, this is… Okay. Okay!

[Composed.] Okay. Just because there’s no one in there doesn’t mean we can just walk in. Okay? We’re gonna have to try to keep on the low—

Ari (as Quique)

We need to come up with a plan. We cannot just go in without a plan unannounced. What is the plan?

Hallie (as Sparky)

The plan…

Emily

I will give you the opportunity to snag Irene’s sleeve as she starts to walk over.

[00:40:00]

Hallie

Oh, I fully am—my hand was on her shoulder. I was about to specify that she’s guiding both Quique and Irene toward the door.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Listen. There aren’t any cameras around here or anything, so if we just don’t make loud noises… if we just walk like normal people, we should be fine.

Emily (as Irene)

Am I walking like a normal person?

Emily

Irene says, not walking like a normal person.

Hallie

Sparky is using her hand on Irene’s shoulder to try to make Irene walk like a normal person.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, you’re doing great, sweetie. You’re doing great. Okay, Quique, how are you doing? How are you doing?

Ari (as Quique)

I think for the mission we have to be really, really quiet, so I am attempting to be really, really quiet.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Hushing him.] Yeah, yeah, yeah, so shush down a little bit… a little bit.

Ari (as Quique)

This is the most quiet that I have been, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay… Yeah, that’s good. Okay.

Hallie

If we’re at the door, is it locked because people have left or is it still open?

Kyle

No, it’s just open.

Hallie

Woohoo. Okay.

Kyle

You walk forward and, as you do, the ram in front of this dingy thing, this giant ram that’s like—

Hallie

I forgot about the ram.

Kyle

It’s like an inflatable waggling arm thing. (Wub, wub, wub). It is like waving its arms. It’s hit by the wind, and its arm moves as if it’s beckoning you in.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look at that. Look at that. It’s a sign. Signs like that having you go into dark and dangerous and abandoned places, they always work out.

[Music gives way to tense SFX.]

Kyle

As you walk in, for a second the ram’s wobbling stops.

[Tense SFX ends abruptly. A bell chimes.]

Hallie

It occurs to Sparky that Irene specifically needs context about why they are here doing this.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know how the Overseers came in and they were talking to Jake and it was all really weird and below-ground? Yeah, I wanna find out what that was about, and I think we’ll find out if we break into the back room that Jake keeps locked at all times.

Emily (as Irene)

That makes sense.

Emily

Irene says, like she would never do on any other day.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Thank you! Yes. Okay! Okay.

[Ghostly mystery music plays.]

Kyle

You are in the dining area of Die Hop. It is quiet. The griddle is off. You don’t see much light except for the permanently affixed… You know those green reading lights they have at libraries?

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

You have those, but they’re hanging from the ceiling above each booth giving very minimal ambient light.

Hallie

Beautiful.

Kyle

These are grimy booths like you would have in an IHOP, but the partition between them is little library shelves filled with books that people are able to take and leave as they please. Next to the griddle is a bathroom. Behind that is some storage. You can see the private booth that you like hanging out in.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

It’s surrounded on all sides by bookshelves. There is a door leading to the microfilm room. It has the same energy as an employee room.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Nobody goes in there even though it’s public. Then, on the far side to your right, you see the door: innocuous, understated. This one does say employees only, but it looks like a very, very mundane employees only door.

Hallie

This is the one on the map that has fire and a question mark, right?

Kyle

Yes.

Hallie

Okay. I want to go there. My new skill that I took when I finished my advancements was lock picking, so if it’s locked I’d like to just use that skill right away, please.

Emily (as Irene)

Wow, Sparky Malarky, this does not seem very exciting.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Roll Take Action.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You think lock picking isn’t exciting?

Emily (as Irene)

No, the door.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, the door. Yeah, well, that’s to distract you.

Ari (as Quique)

Kid, the most inconspicuous door is always the one that leads to the greatest mystery, according to the Les Detectstuff novels 1 through 5 of Volume 2 of Series 4.

Emily (as Irene)

But the door to the laundry room is the most inconspicuous in my whole house, and all it holds is laundry.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, dirty clothes hold dirty secrets. Have you ever thought about that?

Kyle

What a fucking Quique phrase.

Hallie

What a Quique phrase!

Kyle

Dirty clothes hold dirty secrets.

Hallie

What a Quique thing to say!

Emily

Irene slowly, gingerly grabs ahold of her own sleeve and stares at it and appears to fall into the pattern of the fabric’s weave.

Hallie

[Laughs.] This is a good heist. Okay Kyle, you said Take Action, right, which is Fierce?

Kyle

Uh-huh.

Hallie

If I’m using my lock picking skill, I forget, does that give me advantage where I have three dice or does it just give me a plus?

Kyle

It gives you advantage. I will let you get advantage even if this isn’t quite for lock picking.

Hallie

I don’t like the way you said that.

[Rolls.] Okay, so I got another dirty 12!

Ari

Oh! Nice!

Hallie

Sparky’s on it tonight!

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

You are able to feel it in… I’m assuming you’re using a paperclip or something.

Hallie

Oh, I’ve got a full kit, baby.

Kyle

Okay. You can feel it at the end of your kit and are able to not only let go in time but actually pull out the kit in time, like the thing you were jimmying in, as an ethereal flame emerges from the door handle and covers the entirety of the door.

[00:45:00]

If you look at your little lock pick, you can see the end is actually that kind of golden that it is if a metal gets really hot.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh-ho-ho, tricky, Jake.

Emily (as Irene)

Jake isn’t here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

See? That was exciting. That door was exciting. I know, but I think he booby trapped the door. You see, the door caught on fire, Irene. That was very exciting.

Emily (as Irene)

Okay. Yes.

Kyle

Quique, you’re the observant one here.

Ari

Mm-hmm?

[Tense spy music begins.]

Kyle

So you notice. It looks kind of slow to you, but to everyone else it’s near instantaneous. You see the fire doesn’t stop at the door, it continues around the entire wall before getting to the door that you entered in, which slams shut and starts burning with the same fire as the door that Sparky tried to open.

Ari

Oh no… Oh no.

Ari (as Quique)

You know what, Sparky? I think we should have checked for traps before lock picking. Honestly, it’s a thing that I should have done, but I was too excited by seeing what was behind this mysterious door for me to think that there would be a trap that would now hold us inside this establishment, as the door we came in is now burning, so we have no choice but to go forward.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Chuckles.] You know, that is a complication, and we will burn that bridge when we cross it later.

Ari (as Quique)

If that bridge doesn’t burn us before, because there’s a fire in the door!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Is the fire magically contained to the door or is the whole establishment catching on fire?

Kyle

No, it is magically contained.

Hallie

Okay. Okay.

Kyle

Everything is magically contained, but you do notice that, at the doorframe, there’s a little flame at the top that is blinking almost like an alarm.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

It is specifically one blinks on the left side of the door and then two start blinking.

[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]

Ari

On the same side?

Kyle

Yeah, it’s like a progress bar moving up.

Ari

Oh.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, I don’t like that.

Kyle

And you now realize that you only have about a session’s worth of time to escape the room.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Emily

Except… that’s not her full sentence, but I forgot that while I was saying it.

Kyle

Yeah, so you’re doing that now? You’re doing the second descriptor now?

Emily

I didn’t want to do it now, but you were looking at me like that, so I thought maybe I was supposed to say it.

Kyle

No! You all always panic. I’m just waiting for the next person.

Emily

Okay, well never mind. I didn’t say anything.

Kyle

[Laughs.] We’ll retcon that out. Not that we would ever retcon anything out.

Emily

No, of course not.

Hallie

That would be silly.

Emily

We’re not one of those shows.

Ari

That would be… yeah.

Kyle

That would be strange.

Ari

Yeah, it would be strange.

Hallie

Like an entire person.

Emily

Who would retcon out like an entire friend or something?

Kyle

[Laughs.] The fact that… you know, you could have said character, but friend makes it so much worse. It sounds like we’ve taken Tom out back and we’ve done the movie Looper. We’ve Looper’d Tom.

Hallie

[Laughing.] When you said “and my three best friends” I was like wow, Tom got kicked out, because it wasn’t “three of my best friends” it was just “my three best friends.” I thought it was really funny.

Ari

Yeah, he’s no longer.

Kyle

It would be so weird if I said hi, I’m Kyle, and I’m playing with three of my four best friends.

Hallie

No, I know, it was the right call for the introduction. It was just funny.

--

Ari

I chose one thing on my advancement but not the other. I was too lazy to access the rulebook, so I was trying to figure it out as we were going.

Emily

The only person who finished all of their advancements was Hallie, and she decided on a second mascot suit that she probably also isn’t going to use.

--

Kyle

[Singing.] All hail Shadow!

Hallie

[Giggling, struggling to speak.] The thought of Shadow the Hedgehog just materializing in your room because you’re mad you can’t sneak out…

Ari

God, this killed Hallie.

Hallie

It’s killing me. [Laughs.]

--

Kyle

That is why I asked about time. If you had chosen 2 AM, it would have been packed, but now no one is in there.

Hallie

But now 4 AM, so Sparky has her little—

[00:50:00]

Kyle

Oh boy, 4 AM.

Ari & Hallie

[Amused.] Oh boy, 4 AM.

Kyle

Patrick with a crepe. Yeah, alright, Patrick Star is in there but he will pay you no attention.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Patrick Star is in there.

--

Kyle

You are in the main dining area of Die Hop. It is quiet all through the house. Nothing made a sound, not even…

Ari

Not even a mouse.

Kyle

…the Necromouse.

Ari

The Necromouse.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Fuck you.

Kyle

Because you know, Sparky doesn’t have one anymore.

Hallie

Why? Wow!

Emily

Is Little Cutie there?

Hallie

No! Little Cutie? Fuck you!