44. Crepe Escape (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle (as Oset)

Do you know why my hair is green?

Tom

[Bursts into laughter.]

Kyle (as Oset)

There are tales. You might call them legends, I call them Legendary.

I’ll find a way to scrub this name from this card and bring Sammy Ester back.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Who wants to help me break into Die Hop?

Kyle (as If)

I temporarily, for a brief period, take your place on this trip, and you go off and go on your little adventure. All I need from you in exchange is… the ability to do so.

Hallie

I would like to give Irene a Dead Bull.

Emily (as Irene)

[Jittery.] So when are we going?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, feels good, doesn’t it? Soon, soon. See? All the Jakes are leaving.

Kyle

Irene turns over. She swears she can see a girl her age with like a book.

Hallie

[Cackles.] No~!

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

Alright. Today is gonna be interesting because we are recording about 45 minutes late because I was very, very late at work, and tonight is a night that Ari has a hard deadline. Originally we were going to reschedule, but then Ari said something along the lines of “unless you think we got a motor, gotta go fast, in which case let’s postpone,” and I realized we do have to motor, gotta go fast, which is why we’re recording this evening. Not only are you in an escape room in-character, you’re in an escape room out of character as well. Let’s get started, shall we?

Hallie

Oh-ho! It’s like a metaphor… or something.

Kyle

What?!

Hallie

In a way.

Emily

Is it?

Kyle

No!

Hallie

[Smirking.] In a way. I’m right. Let’s do it! Let’s get out of the escape room.

Kyle

I don’t think it’s a metaphor…

Hallie

It is! I’m… yeah, um… I’m an English major.

Ari

What is the metaphor for?

Hallie

That’s for you to decide! Let’s get out of here.

Kyle

Anyways! You are all in Die Hop.

[Ghostly mysterious music plays.]

A flame has appeared, a magical demon flame appeared. It went over the entire room, but now it is centralized on two doors. One is the door that you are trying to get into, Big Jake Hell’s secret door.

Emily

Only Sparky is trying to get into Jake’s secret door.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I gave a brief summary previously. When you go into each room, I will describe it in more detail, but I have sent you all a map. This map will be in the description. It shows you all the rooms in Die Hop. The main one you’re in right now is the main dining area. This is the area you’re used to. It’s an IHOP but just occasionally replace something with a book. I mentioned before those overhead hanging lights are like the green dim ones that they have in libraries. You’ve got little library shelves breaking off the booths, so like separating each booth instead of the glass wall.

Emily

Do they have green dim lights in libraries?

Kyle

I feel like that’s the library—Let me look up “library light.”

Hallie

Like the green lamps that you put on study tables?

Kyle

Yeah! Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah. They’re not dim exactly, but I know what you’re talking about.

Kyle

They always feel dim.

Hallie

Yeah, because the top of them is so green that it dims, like… they look dim from the top, but they’re quite powerful lights.

Kyle

Yeah. In addition to the map, I have also sent you a picture of that—

Ari

Oh! Those things.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Those lights are hanging above the desks. Is that a clue? Is that not?

Emily

It’s definitely a clue.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Um, I’d like to examine the lamps, please.

Kyle

You look at the lamps. You really take them in. Yeah, those sure are lamps.

Hallie

Can I… What happens if I turn them off and on again?

Kyle

Roll me Use the Unfamiliar which is Books.

Hallie

Books?! Books?

Emily

Sparky knows how to turn on a light!

Hallie

Yeah, that’s a good point.

Kyle

But you’re trying to use it to unearth a mystery.

Hallie

That’s true.

[Rolls.] Six.

Ari

You got 6.

Hallie

I got 6.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So I get to choose two out of three. It takes longer than expected to work, it works but in a way that’s harmful to you, and it breaks after or while being used. I’m gonna say, one, it breaks, but before it breaks the other two of you just see Sparky turning this light on and off, and on and off, and on and off, for an unreasonably long time.

Ari

Quique thinks it’s Morse code of some sort and he begins trying to write the message that Sparky is trying to communicate as she turns the lights on and off.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene watches the lights blink, hypnotized.

[00:05:00]

Kyle

Quique, roll me Understand.

Ari

Oh my god. Okay.

Kyle

I want to see if Sparky accidentally types out a Morse code message that happens to be helpful.

Ari

[Rolls.] Eight.

Kyle

Eight. Alright. All you can make out is “crepe.”

Hallie

[Amused.] Just crepe, over and over.

Kyle

Just crepe.

[Silly music begins.]

Ari (as Quique)

Are you moving from your obsession of rutabagas to an obsession to crepes, Sparky? Is that what you’re telling in your veiled message instead of solving the mystery at hand of how to escape this room with a flame at the door?

Hallie

Sparky gives Quique the most ‘what the fuck’ look she has ever given him because she is currently playing with a lamp, so she doesn’t have the 4D chess vision right now that Quique has. She just looks at him and goes:

Hallie (as Sparky)

… What?!

Ari (as Quique)

You keep saying crepes. I see what you’re doing. You’re doing some veiled Morse message and I have solved it.

Kyle

“I’ve cracked it!”

Hallie

Solved the escape room!

Ari (as Quique)

I cracked the case.

Hallie (as Sparky)

The room is on fire, Quique! You haven’t solved anything!

[Stammers.] What?!

Ari (as Quique)

Well, I cracked your case. Apparently you’ve been obsessed with crepes, however that is a thing that has to be discussed later. Right now, Sparky, let’s just focus on the mission.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Exhausted.] Ugh… Oh my god, okay. Oh… my god.

Ari (as Quique)

Let’s see. There’s a lamp here. Have you tried unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, the lamp doesn’t do shit, Quique!

Hallie

I’d like to start picking up all the stools by the griddle and see if anything’s under them.

Emily

I would like to get a cup of water and try to pour it on the fire.

Kyle

You can get shockingly close to the fire without feeling a thing, but the second the water touches it the whole room goes ablaze again for a second.

Emily

Is it hot when that happens?

Kyle

Yeah, it is hot. It’s actually so hot that Pokeyo, you flail back…

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee? Oh-eeeee!

Kyle

…and fall on your little barrel cactus back.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Upset.] Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope-kope-kope.

Hallie

“This is too hot to cook with,” they say.

Emily

Irene scoops up Pokeyo and looks upwards as if she thought that maybe they had fallen from the sky.

Ari

Mallea is trying to have a staring competition with the fire.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Mallea, roll me just a flat Fierce.

Ari

[Rolls.] Oh… four!

Kyle

You are losing real badly.

Hallie

Does the fire speak in Morse code?

Kyle

Yeah, the fire is mocking you in Morse code.

Ari

Mallea doesn’t speak Morse code.

Kyle

That’s why you think it’s mocking you.

[Laughter.]

I will say though, Pokeyo, something peculiar caught your attention when you were upside-down. You’re able to look back at it when you get up.

[Happy mystery music plays.]

You notice that the way Die Hop is set up is that the place where you order is right next to the griddle. It literally is the griddle. They place the check right at the very end of the griddle and have to make sure it doesn’t catch on fire.

Hallie

That’s so bad.

Kyle

Kind of like at a burger place almost, the menu is right above the griddle where everyone can see. Right next to Last King of the Franch is a section burned out of the name Crepe, and underneath it says “will open the door…”

Ari

Ah.

Kyle

“…to your heart!”

Ari

Oh! So crepe might actually have been a clue. I’m saying this out of character because Quique has not seen this thing.

Kyle

No, Pokeyo has seen it and now has to relay it to everyone else even though the only person who can talk to them is Irene and the severed hand that Quique has.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee! Oh-ee, oh-ee, oh-ee!

Hallie

They’re pointing.

Emily (as Irene)

Ah. I see. You can read, Pokeyo.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Pleased.] Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope!

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um.

Kyle (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope? Oh-ee-kope!

Hallie

Pokeyo is now communicating to the other Necromon because they think they’ll have a better shot at least of getting one layer of communication down with them.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope-kope. Oh-ee-kope? Kope, kope. Oh-ee-kope!

[Music ends.]

Emily

Irene will go over to Sparky and Quique.

Emily (as Irene)

Crepe will open the door to your heart.

Ari (as Quique)

What?

Emily

And point.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Confused.] What? What…?

Ari (as Quique)

Crepe?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are you hungry?

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat goes around and starts rummaging through the back of the griddle, just like getting all into the wires.

Emily

[Chuckles nervously.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ooh, god, okay. Um…

Kyle

The Mossies, you’re gonna see all three of them get off of Irene and just roll into different parts of Die Hop.

Emily (as Irene)

I hope this was helpful.

Ari (as Quique)

Maybe you were onto something, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique, what do you order here?

[00:10:00]

Ari (as Quique)

What did I order here?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like, what do you get when we come here? I can’t remember.

Ari

I actually don’t remember. Do I order crepes?

Kyle

It’s never been said. What do you get here, Quique?

Ari

Uh… what’s on the menu?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Don’t you point this back at me! Don’t you turn this back! Come up with a goddamn crepe item.

[laughter.]

Hallie

Come up with a joke, Ari! Come up with a crepe.

Ari

Uh… Calcium? I don't know, milk?

Hallie

[Delighted.] Calcium!

Kyle

He only brings in his calcium cider that he makes from home. He never actually buys anything at Die Hop.

Hallie

Okay. So, this blank crepe that has burn marks over it, is there a way I can go chip them off with my nail? I want to see if I can read the word any better.

Kyle

You go to chip it off, but it’s not like burned on, it is burned away.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

So where it’s ‘blank’ crepe will open the door to your heart, it now says ‘blank’ epe will open the door to your heart, because you’ve accidentally chipped off the C and the R.

Hallie

Okay, okay.

Kyle

I will give you up there, though, because you did interact with it, you do see that it is dated at the back. It looks like this was printed back on September 25, 2007. We’re assuming that this takes place approximately in April 2024 when this is recorded.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s a long time ago. How many updates has this menu gone through? Like, none. If this is still on here… But why is it burned off?

Ari (as Quique)

Perhaps there’s a menu registry. I like to have memorabilia of things in the past. Maybe there is something here that has previous menu items.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh… yes. Yes, you finally said something useful, Quique. Let’s go to the microfilm room. I wanna look through the microfilm room for an old menu.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

You all make it into the microfilm room.

[Ghostly music plays.]

This is just covered wall to wall with reviews, articles, and in the center a little tiny microfilm that has a bunch of things covered on top of it. You actually see one of the Mossies is just gumming on something on top of the microfilm when you get in.

Ari (as Quique)

That could be the vital clue that we are waiting on.

Ari

I’m gonna set up the microfilm including the Mossie.

Kyle (as Mossie)

Awm-awm… See-sawm!

Kyle

It does not want you to take it away. The Mossie is enjoying its snack.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Irene?

Ari (as Quique)

Maybe this is part of the clue. Maybe.

Kyle (as Mossie)

Awm!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Why would the Mossie be part of the clue? Irene! Get your little… Get your little thing.

Emily (as Irene)

Mossies, please release your prize.

Emily

She will hold out her hands a little to the left of where really it should be.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

The Mossie goes to roll into your hands and just plops at the ground by your feet.

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you.

Emily

She says, picking it up and pretending it didn’t happen.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright, so you’re gonna look at the microfilm.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

I would have you roll, but I feel like all three of you would know how to use microfilm.

Ari

I feel like Quique specifically would know how to use microfilm.

Kyle

You can see inside the microfilm. Quique, you can see all the gears and how it works and see everything. But, most notably, you notice that the Mossie was gumming on what seem to be a series of articles about incidents at various themed restaurants, all of which ended in a green inferno.

[Threatening mystery music begins.]

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm. This seems particularly suspicious. This seems like there’s a historical precedent for what is happening at this location. What has happened has happened before and will happen again.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Uh, will not happen again. … There you go.

Ari (as Quique)

As is a quote that’s in a Les book called What Has Happened Will Happen Before.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I choose to believe that you can see in the microfilm the part that says “no survivors” as Quique’s like “this will happen again.

Hallie

Ha!

Emily (as Irene)

Why is this article written in Latin?

Emily

Irene says, staring intently at the paper.

Kyle

You look through these articles, which again, grizzly, ghastly. Horrific attacks that are marked by two things, a lack of survivors and green fire. All of them take place in some kind of themed restaurant.

Emily

I have two questions.

Kyle

Yeah?

Emily

What color is the fire here? Is this just fire?

Kyle

This is red. This is just regular red fire.

Ari

Oh okay, it’s not green fire.

Kyle

Alright, what’s the second question?

Emily

Is Chuck Beavers’ in danger?

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Music changes to ‘Chuck Beavers’ Birthday Song’ by Miles Morkri.]

[00:15:00]

Kyle

If you are at the dreariest place on Earth, Chuck Beavers’ Emporium of Fun and Pizza, this is a small, dingy, definitely dead entertainment venue slash pizza complex. You can see a bunch of half put together half decaying animatronics are playing on the stage to your left while, to your right, in front of a completely vacant desk, a befuddled Earl Hawthorne is pressing a bell that no longer dings trying to get the attention of employees that have long since left this venue.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Earl)

Hello? Hello? Is someone, uh… Wow, there… huh.

Emily (as “Irene”)

No one will be here.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh, no, they’re just hiding. Maybe they’re phantoms or something like that.

Emily (as “Irene”)

Hiding?

Kyle (as Earl)

Yeah, maybe they’re hiding… [Stammers.]

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Irene.

Kyle

Aubrey gets down on one of his knees and looks at you.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Let’s just play along for now, alright? I think our father kind of needs this. You know? After… Actually? Actually…

Kyle

Aubrey stops himself, realizing that he was maybe gonna be a bit too honest with you.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

I hear a lot of these old games don’t require any electronics. Here, I have some coins here. Why don’t you go try it out on some of the machines?

Emily (as “Irene”)

Fine.

Emily

I’m going to take the money and say nothing else and leave. Why bother prolonging these conversations? First I’m going to unbraid this hair. It’s so restricting.

[Silly ambling music plays.]

Kyle

You are the divided who changes her face and makes deals, you live literally in shadows, and you are here at Chuck Beavers’ Emporium of Fun and Pizza with a sad dad and someone who would rather give up their career just to go back and babysit a 12-year-old. Thirteen? Whatever. You know, a kid. Why are you still here?

Emily

This is boring. Other stuff was boring. I wanna go find something interesting and less depressing than…

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Than Earl Hawthorne just ringing a bell that’s like… dust comes out, it’s not making the ringing sound, Aubrey trying to find some sort of management here.

Emily

Look. It’s just, it’s getting me down. Okay? I went through the trouble of stealing someone’s face. I’m sure there’s gonna be something interesting here.

Kyle

You’re a literal shadow who made a deal with Rasputin, the saddest… the person who’s not even a Tsar in Tsarvia, and this is more sad than him.

Emily

Yeah. At least Rasputin’s Boidelrat loved him back.

Kyle

Oh…! Oh!

Emily

Is there anywhere that says do not enter?

Kyle

This whole place is a do not enter. This is clearly shut down, no one works here. The animatronics look like they could come alive and kill anyone at any moment. You can swear you even hear the soft wailing of a ghost forced to haunt these halls or something.

Emily

Well, the wailing ghost has to be less depressing than Earl Hawthorne, so let’s go find that.

Kyle

The sound is coming right next to the band stage.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as ???)

[Bellowing sobs.]

Emily (as If)

Ew, a sad crying man.

Kyle (as ???)

[Sobbing.] Everlasting Eel? Why weren’t we everlasting?

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

You see a… probably 20-year-old now, tall man in a disheveled long coat. His green hair is now only green on the tips. It’s brown as it hasn’t been dyed in a while. This really tired disheveled-looking Oset Scuba is holding onto the Necrocard with Sammy Ester in it as he stares at one of the animatronics which is supposed to be a snake but it’s just a loose floppy piece of fabric that just gets wiggled around.

Emily

If is going to pretend that she didn’t just say “ew, a sad crying man” and rest her cheek on one hand.

Emily (as If)

Oh. Why do you look so sad?

[00:20:00]

Kyle (as Oset)

[Sobs and clumsily composes himself.] Oh, um…

[With forced bravado, and sniffles.] Hello there, Miss, uh… small one from the tournament and the party.

Emily (as If)

Ras—Irene.

Kyle (as Oset)

Yes. I really, really need to sleep too.

Emily (as If)

What?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Oset)

Well, uh, would you look at the… um.

Kyle

As he looks around for an excuse, he sees Everlasting Eel wiggle again and Oset Scuba just breaks back into tears.

Emily

If examines her fingernails and thinks for a second.

Emily (as If)

So, why is your eel friend in a card?

Kyle (as Oset)

My… His name is Sammy! And he’s just, um… temporarily indisposed. [Sniffles.]

Emily (as If)

Isn’t your whole thing, like… cards?

Kyle (as Oset)

My thing, maybe, but he was my whole world.

Emily (as If)

[Coughs and feigns a whimper.]

Kyle (as Oset)

[Sobs.] Yeah, so… such a convincing sob.

Emily (as If)

[Clears her throat.] Well, why wouldn’t you, I don't know, use your probably many skills to fix it?

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody with… I’m gonna say Heart. You’re appealing to his heart there, buddy.

Emily

[Sighs.]

Kyle

You’re appealing to his heart there, buddy old pal. Isn’t it fun being a PC? You still play by my rules, sucker.

Emily

I mean, for now. [Giggles.]

[Rolls.] I rolled a 6.

Kyle (as Oset)

Fix it… You think I haven’t tried?! I am Oset Scuba…

Kyle

He was gonna go do one of his boisterous yells but just immediately broke down.

Kyle (as Oset)

I don’t… I don’t have ScubaCorp anymore. I don’t have Sammy to back me up. You’d need… You’d need like legendary magic, and we all know that these things…

Kyle

And he points to the green hair, talking about Legendary Necromon.

Kyle (as Oset)

…are like happy endings. They don’t exist.

Emily

If is going to lean her elbow onto the stage.

Kyle

Everlasting Eel wiggles and tickles the back of your neck.

Emily

Ew, no.

Kyle

And by that I mean the back of Irene’s neck. That’s not every body, but this one does get very ticklish on the back of her neck.

Emily

She cringes a little bit.

Emily (as If)

How is this body so old?

Emily

And puts a hand on her lower back and slowly straightens back up.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as If)

How do you know they don’t exist?

[Tragic music begins.]

Kyle

Oset looks at you, tears in his eyes.

Kyle (as Oset)

I have wasted so much of my life looking for them with my vast skills.

Kyle

He does giant hand air quotes.

Kyle (as Oset)

I should have been able to find them by now, but all I have found is a cavalcade of misery and pain, one that leaves me cold in my… heart and…

[Stammers.] Cold… Cold…

Kyle

I need you to take a GM Intrusion.

[Music ends.]

Emily

No thank you.

Kyle

Come on, this will be interesting.

Emily

[Doubtful.] Mm-hmm.

[Threatening ghostly music plays.]

Kyle

The waggly waving little noodle thing now hits you hard on the back of the neck as it is frozen solid in place. You see as little ice crystals cover the entirety of the stage. To most people they would look clear, but you notice just the ever so slight tinge of green.

Emily (as If)

[Giggles.] Lucie, just in time.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

The escape room is about to begin in earnest, but first we have an announcement break… about the escape room.

[00:25:00]

I really worked hard to make sure that all the puzzles in the upcoming episode worked at least to some degree from an auditory perspective, but, if you’d like to follow along at home, I have all of the puzzles from this episode in the order they appear down in the description. These puzzles were made with the help of Bill and Dani from Escape This Podcast.

[Game show music begins.]

Escape This Podcast is a phenomenal combination of tabletop roleplaying and escape rooms where basically guests come in and they try to escape a room. We participated in one of their escape rooms last year, and that’s actually how I got the idea for this episode. We had so much fun I thought, well, you know, I could probably do that. And, eh… I only think I could because of the help that Bill and Dani gave me. If you want to see what happens when they design it directly rather than them telling someone ideas on how to design it, check out Escape This Podcast in the description.

[Music ends.]

Finally, I just want to do a quick follow-up from Tom’s announcement break from last episode. I don’t want to linger on this too much because he said everything much better than I can, but I just want to reinforce that Tom’s decision to step away has no bearing on our relationship, our friendship. It was really just to him and what he wanted to focus his time on and the new things in his life.

You as an audience have been phenomenal about not jumping to what everyone jumps to which is that there’s some kind of drama, but I just really wanted to not only reinforce that but I also wanted to reinforce that we have no plans to replace Tom. After all, Quest Friends!, the podcast all about best friends, would be a bit… it would just feel weird if one of our best friends left and then we immediately replaced him. So, that’s all I got.

The clock is ticking on our players for the escape room, so we’re gonna let them get right back into it. But, if when you finish this episode you want additional short stories, podcasts, or behind the scenes insights, you can check them out at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Happy mystery music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

Quique, would you pay attention to a snobby food critic?

Ari

I think so. I think that might be…

Emily

I feel like Quique would listen to that.

Kyle

Alright! You go through all these articles and, while terrifying and tantalizing, none of them seem to give you the name of anything. That being said, you do notice while flipping through it that one of them is right under an article by the food critic Julian Fries. His last name is spelled Fries but pronounced “freeze.”

Hallie

What a jackass.

Kyle

Julian is a food critic that you follow, Quique, and he notoriously spoils the entire recipe in his reviews.

Ari

Oh, okay.

Kyle

A couple things about Julian Fries: he writes for The Daily Palindrome and he likes to release his reviews on holidays.

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Ari

Would I know if he has any reviews related to crepes?

Kyle

You know he likes to try things that… he likes to try things that are really big and bombastic that claim they will do stuff like open the door to your heart.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So it is very likely that he did in fact write a review for that crepe. However, that article isn’t in the pile here, it’s somewhere in the shelves and shelves and shelves of microfilm over there, and all you have to work off for those is the date. You have to figure out what date this review would have been on.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Okay. You say he does it usually on holidays.

Kyle

He does it on holidays.

Ari

Are his reviews themed to the holiday? Like, if it’s New Year’s Eve, being like “the newest tragedy of the…” you know, or “oh man, spooky soup.” I don't know.

Hallie

[Delighted.] Spooky soup?!

Ari

Yeah. [Laughs.]

Hallie

It’s the spooky soup!

Ari

[Chuckles.] The spooky soup.

Emily

So we could look for February 14.

Hallie

The menu was dated from 2007, right?

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

I’d like to tear through all 2007 files.

Kyle

February 14, 2007.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

There is not an article from The Daily Palindrome there. All you have on February 14, 2007 is… Bioshock, that would have been in 2007.

Ari

Biospark.

Kyle

Biospark!

Hallie

Biospark!

Kyle

Biospark, the Electric Jester. It’s a combination of Bioshock and the 3D platformer Spark, the Electric Jester.

Ari

[Amused.] Biospark.

[00:30:00]

Kyle

It makes no sense to you, Sparky, but it does sound like it was a revolution in gaming.

Hallie

Okay. I’m gonna look that up when I get home.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Wait. Why did you pick 2007 again?

Hallie

Because that was the date on the back of the menu, the big menu in the big room.

Emily

How long ago was Die Hop established?

Kyle

Um… I will say you can see on the side there’s a map, and we’ll say the map was dated 2021, because Die Hop turned into a Die Hop relatively recently.

Emily

Okay. I think we should check those.

Hallie

Only the recent ones that when it was actually Die Hop?

Emily

Well, did they have…? Oh, but that was before, and they had the same menu.

Kyle

I will say you are, um…

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat goes to help you out, grabs something, busts into the microfilm, and it starts smoking. You notice it’s only got one or two tries left in it. You won’t be able to brute force this. You have to figure out the year the Daily Palindrome released the review.

Hallie

[Stammers.] Okay.

Kyle

The Daily Palindrome, which I should note is definitely not a daily newspaper.

Ari

Right.

Hallie

Does it only come out on days of the year that… [Typing sounds.]

Kyle

Hallie’s typing in something.

Hallie

[Smirking.] Shush, no I’m not. Okay, July 20 isn’t a holiday, but that would be…

Kyle

I will note this newspaper does release in the world of the Here which does the month-day-year as opposed to the Hereafter which is day-month-year.

Ari

Oh god.

Hallie

Okay, this does month-day-year.

Ari

Why? Why do you…? Why? I have to deal with that fucking bullshit. Your month-day-year makes no fucking sense.

Kyle

[Laughs.] That is what Quique is saying, by the way, as you’re looking up dates.

Ari

Yeah! He hates it because I hate it. It makes no sense.

Kyle

He’s so mad.

Ari

The day should be before the month! I hate it. Why do you have the month before the day here?!

Kyle

Quique has said this probably a dozen times on a loop to you, Sparky, as you’re trying to figure out when this is.

Hallie

Oh. He thinks he said it like three times. It has been nine, at least, while I am trying to get through this microfilm.

Ari

Are we still on February 14, or 2/14 instead of 14/2?

Emily

So it’s gonna be…

Hallie

It would be 2-14-12. We’d have to go back to 2012 to make it a Palindrome holiday.

Emily

Yeah.

Ari

Oh, and it’s the Daily Palindrome, right? So it probably should be a palindrome.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

You grab February 14, 2012 and you put it in the microfilm, and there is a review by Julian Fries!

[Pompous waltz music begins.]

Kyle (as Julian Fries)

Valentine’s Day is a tricky day for me. I choose to believe I love all of humanity, and yet I cannot find love, only the sweet embrace of today, a crepe. Will Lucie’s Lover’s Crepe warm my heart? Well, let’s start with the beginning of my day.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

This goes on for like ten paragraphs.

Hallie

I throw it down as soon as I see the name of the crepe.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Lucie’s Lover’s Crepe? What a stupid name for a crepe.

Ari (as Quique)

For once I am gonna agree with you, Sparky.

Kyle

So to be clear, you do not read the rest of the article?

Ari

I wanna read the rest of the article!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I throw it to Quique.

Kyle

Quique, you go all the way to the bottom. Yada-yada-yada. You’re skimming through it, going straight to the recipe where he talks about the ingredients.

[Pompous waltz music returns.]

Kyle (as Julian Fries)

Refined and delicate. Not only opened literally every door in the vicinity, but I must admit it opened a door to my heart as well. The sour tang of the lemon, the earthy sensation of the oregano, the sweet subtle vanilla, and the mysterious enoki mushrooms. These four ingredients form the core of a delicious recipe indeed, one that shall live eternally in my now non-frozen heart.

Kyle

Anyways, yeah, so it’s got a bunch of crepe ingredients, but the key things are the spices which are lemon, oregano, vanilla, and enoki mushrooms. [Chuckles.]

[Music ends.]

Emily

I don’t think that’s a spice, but…

Ari

Lemon, oregano, vanilla, and enoki mushrooms. Love!

Kyle

Yeah, love, it spells love.

Hallie

[Smiling.] Thank you!

Emily

Irene has wandered and is digging through the fridge. You could tell her to get things and she will.

Ari (as Quique)

Irene! Kid detective! You should get lemon, oregano, vanilla, and enoki mushrooms.

Kyle

You turn over and see that Irene is not digging through the fridge. She has instead gone into the bathroom and pulled open a stall in the bathroom, because that’s white like a fridge, and is just digging around.

[00:35:00]

I won’t do in the toilet itself, I’ll do in the little bowl above the toilet that you can pull off.

Ari (as Quique)

Uh, you know, that’s close enough. That’s close enough. That could actually be a clue.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s not close enough! There’s nothing in there! The lemon and the oregano?

Ari (as Quique)

I actually also thought about looking in the bathroom, because you never know, there’s always clues in the bathroom.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Squeaking in frustration.] That’s not even close. It’s not even close!

Ari (as Quique)

So, I think that’s a good, uh…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Oh my god.

Ari (as Quique)

A good thing to keep digging, to keep looking into that. I will, in the meantime, go grab lemon, oregano, vanilla, and enoki mushrooms.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh god.

Kyle

Alright, so Quique, you go to the spice rack which of course, like all things in this library, is book-themed.

[Happy mystery music begins.]

It is a rack of multiple books. You go and you grab one and you open it. Inside you can see that they’re not labeled on the inside, and you can’t smell them due to the overwhelming stench of franch.

Ari

[Amused.] Of franch?

Kyle

So, you aren’t sure what ingredients to use, and you have to use those four specifically. The only thing you can use to figure them out are, well… I guess there are the book names. The books are:

‘Brittle Monster’s Guide to Necromon Care’

‘The Second Coming of Whaleter’

‘Love? No Kidding: A Heartbroken Banshee’s Guide to Romance’

‘Arkansaw, Oregan, Oklahowma, and Other Normally Spelled State Names’

‘Book, for When You Need a Book’

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Kyle

‘The Birds and The Powers That Bees’

Ari

[Chuckles.] The Powers That Bees.

Kyle

‘Witches Exposed: The Dead that BITE Doesn’t Want You to Know About’

‘Equality’ which is crossed out and it’s replaced with Égalité ‘for Dummies’

A scandalous-looking book that says ‘Heart, Meet Shiv: An Ill Affection’

Ari

I wanna fucking read that.

Kyle

And then finally, Braiden Aiden Max Cash: Tips and Tricks to Score Big at BAM! Arcades’

Anyways, yeah, those are the… that is this shelf.

[Music ends.]

As the rest of you get in there, you also notice the spice rack is behind the griddle. It is a mess of wires and cables and little notes that Philippe Égalité has left to himself. There are no cooking implements around. I’m gonna say, Sparky, you stop Irene as she goes to turn on one of the griddles, one of the two griddles, and you notice that whenever she turns on one the other one turns off.

Ari

Ooh.

Hallie

Oh god.

Ari (as Quique)

I think there should be an order to when these griddles are turned on, as in the mystery ‘Cookie, The Poisson: A Mystery of Fish,’ Les’s latest novel.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Irritated.] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm! Yeah. I… yes.

Hallie

So many flashbacks of doing this kind of thing with Alina for like {“Sparky’s entire life”} are flashing through her brain. This is like PTSD for mystery-solving.

{Transcriber’s Note: “Sparky’s entire life” is beneath static distortion.}

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

Aren’t you supposed to be good at this, Sparky Malarky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

At turning on the griddle?

Emily (as Irene)

No, escaping from situations you have created.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m working on it!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

It just seems like, if you were good at it, it would be faster.

Hallie

Sparky just purses her mouth in a deeply, deeply upset… She has been burned so bad just now. She’s just going to angrily… I’m playing with the lighters now. Quique can solve the books on his own.

Ari

Oh no. Okay.

Hallie

I’m just brute forcing these fryers.

Kyle

Okay. We’ll call them Fryer 1 and Fryer 2. What’s the order in which you turn them on?

Hallie

Two-one.

Kyle

Nope.

[Silly music begins.]

Ari (as Quique)

What about if you turn them at the same time?

Hallie

I ignore him.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

And I do one-two.

Kyle

Nope. Both turn off.

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky! What if you turn them at the same time?

Hallie

[Chuckling.] I turn one and two but like really fast.

Kyle

Nope.

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky!

Hallie

I turn two and one but really fast.

Ari (as Quique)

What if you turned them at the same time?!

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Nope.

Hallie

Um… I turn on just one.

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky…

Kyle

It’s there but it’s not hot enough.

Hallie

Okay, but I wait ten seconds and then I turn number two on.

Kyle

And they both go off.

Hallie

[Frustrated shriek.] She lets free that scream in character and then finally turns both of them on at the same time.

Kyle

Whoosh! All three of you are catapulted back as they explode in an inferno. Then, as the books you hit topple on your head and you all kind of topple to the ground, both of them turn off again.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, well they didn’t work, Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

[Stammers.] But like, it worked in Poisson, the book about fish from Les’s latest novel, so you know…

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. That’s great, but this is real life and we have a fire on our hands, a magical fire on our hands.

[00:40:00]

Kyle

Also, the fire is about halfway up.

Hallie

Ack!

Ari

Yeah. Okay.

Kyle

I’d say probably a little more.

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm. It is getting quite hot here. We’re in a dire hot situation here. Okay.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Chuckles.] Die Hop situation. Ah-ha-ha!

Ari (as Quique)

Die Hop? More like die hot. Right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah… we’re gonna die.

Ari (as Quique)

… Hot.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Okay, well help me with these books, Sparky, instead of turning things. I think there might be a connection. Is there something here that has ten things related to these books?

Hallie (as Sparky)

I thought these books had the spices in them. We have to find which one has the right spices, right? Because they’re not labeled correctly.

Kyle

Correct, and you can’t smell them because they’re all covered in franch.

Ari

Right.

Hallie

Yeah. Okay. I think number four is oregano because we’ve got Oregan followed by Oklahoma.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Hallie

You see how that’s oregano?

Ari

Okay. I like that. Mm-hmm.

Hallie

… That’s all I got.

Ari

Well, that’s something, that’s a start.

Kyle

You pull that one off the shelf?

Hallie

Oh! Oh! Nine is vanilla because “shiv an ill affection,” that’s vanilla.

Ari

Oh! Okay! I like that.

Kyle

Pull that off the shelf.

Hallie

Okay, um, um, um…

Ari

What is it we have? Lemon?

Hallie

We’ve got lemon and enoki left.

Ari

Hmm.

Kyle

I will give you something. Quique, your brain is doing so many calculations at once that it decided to jump straight from enoki to enoki mushroom, and you haven’t found enoki but you have found that enoki mushroom as a collective is not in there.

Ari

Oh, it’s not? Aw dang.

Kyle

It’s either enoki or it’s mushroom, but mushroom isn’t really that specific, so it probably is enoki.

Ari

Okay. I was thinking that maybe ten was mushroom because it has max and cash… max-shroom-oom?

Kyle

[Laughs, mashes the sounds together.] I like imagining Quique’s jaw just unhinging and moving left and right as he tries to make Max Cash sound like it says mushroom.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, the other two might not be an exact spelling, maybe, even though the other two were. I don’t see anything that spells out lemon and I don’t see anything that spells out enoki.

Ari (as Quique)

Enoki? What kind of word is that anyway?

Kyle

Oh my god, Emily!

Emily

What?

Kyle

You remember Brittle Monster. You read those books when you were a kid even though they’re like college-level textbooks.

Emily

Obviously.

Kyle

I will say a loopy Irene… you start reading it to yourself, and everyone hears:

[Slowly.] Bri… le-mon-ster.

Hallie

Ugh!

Ari

That is so… Okay. I see. I see it now.

Hallie

Okay. We found the lemon. We found the lemon.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Enoki! Love No Kidding!

Hallie

Oh! Oh! You did it, Quique!

Ari

I found one!

Hallie

We did it! We did it! See? See?

Emily

We did it, except the ones Kyle had to keep giving us.

Hallie

We’re good at these things. No, he only had to give up one.

Ari

He only gave us one though.

Hallie

Yeah! He only gave us one.

Kyle

As you’re celebrating, the flame timer ticks up and you realize that you still have no cooking implements and you still have no working griddle.

Ari

Well, but we have the spices now.

Hallie

Hey, we’ve got the spices, and we’ve got moxie, and we are refreshed from this success.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Yes.

Emily

Someone will have to stop Irene from just trying to pour the spices on the door.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Irene? Irene, don’t… We just got these! We just got the spices.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat grabs one of the spices that you didn’t. She grabs the Birds and The Powers That Bees and just fucking chucks it at the door. Whoosh! The book flings back, and Quique, you watch in slow-motion as a book just slowly moves towards you.

Ari

Can I try and touch it?

Kyle

You just step to the side casually and to everyone else it looks like Quique supernaturally jumped to the side as this book pings past him and clatters into the store room directly behind the riddle.

Ari (as Quique)

Unless that was a clue.

Emily (as Irene)

Can you even believe these two?

Emily

Irene says to her new friend who is definitely there in the room with all of us.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh my god, there’s a store room.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah! That’s the clue. Let’s take all of our clues and head there.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Maybe there’s something that will help the griddle turn on in the store room. Or… there’s a spatula? You don’t need a frying pan for a griddle, you just put it on the griddle.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, we’ll never know if we don’t go and see.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

[00:45:00]

Kyle

Drip. Drip. Drip. The leaky pipes in the top of this barren storage room drip, drip, drip onto puddles on the ground, puddles that are very hard to maneuver past.

Emily (as Irene)

Oh… it is raining.

Kyle

In the distance you see at the very far end of this seemingly impossibly long hallway a brimstone spatula behind a case with the light above it just click-click, click-click, doing a terrifying flick, and one of the Mossies is just shaking there.

Ari

Oh!

Emily

Poor baby.

Kyle (as Mossie)

See… awm. See… awm.

Kyle

Seeming to whisper to you.

Emily

I have a question that Irene wouldn’t ask but is my question. Is it in Morse code?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

No, the Mossie just speaks.

Emily

No! The flickering light.

Ari

Oh! Quique wants to see if it’s Morse code!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Quique, you go and step forward. As you do, we hear the sound in the background, (varied burbling).

Ari

Is that Morse code?

Kyle

And as you step on the puddle…

Kyle (as Mossie)

See-sawm! See-sawm!

[Action horror music begins.]

Kyle

The Mossie starts screaming. Out of nowhere with fierce, piercing angry eyes, Quique, you are forcibly knocked back by this weird long soft snake-like creature, and it pushes you back to the entrance of the door before slithering back.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm… well that is not Morse code.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Irene)

Excuse me. I need my Necromon.

Emily

Irene says and starts walking. She doesn’t want to get her shoes wet, so she’ll avoid the puddles.

Kyle

Alright, roll me Keep Your Cool.

Emily

Okay. Can I overextend?

Kyle

How do you overextend? Is it just so you don’t get your socks wet?

Emily

It’s a combination. She has to focus like twice as hard to do anything, and she doesn’t want to get her socks wet, and she’s worried about the Mossie.

Kyle

Okay, okay.

Emily

So, it’s a mix of urgent things. She’s not at all thinking about the fact that we’re in a burning building. That doesn’t cross her mind as far as why she’s feeling urgent.

Kyle

Just the doors are burning. Just the doors. So you’re going to where the spatula is?

Emily

Yeah! But I don't care about the spatula.

Kyle

You care about your Mossie. Okay.

Emily

Irene may not have even noticed the spatula.

[Rolls.] I got a 5 and a 6.

Hallie

That’s an 11!

Kyle

So how do you make it to your Mossie?

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Emily

She just delicately steps around all the little puddles of water, taking tiny little tippytoe steps, and then occasionally having to take a really big step and just managing to keep her balance. I like to imagine Sparky and Quique do not notice at first that she has just wandered off.

Kyle

Sparky and Quique, what are you doing?

Hallie

I would just go to the spatula regardless of whether a strange snake Necromon is trying to stop me, because I can just hit it.

Ari

If Sparky still can’t go, I want to send Quique’s hand.

Kyle

How about Quique takes out the hand and the hand is on Sparky’s shoulder as Sparky has her SmackBook Pro just raised.

Hallie

Yeah! Just ready to go.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, so you two are slowly making your way there, not quite as quick as Irene. You can hear and kind of see glimpses of this thing, (burbling sounds), just kind of swerving around this place, up the pipes and down around, just little glimpses and shadows. The sound, as you get about halfway there, stops.

[Music ends.]

I’ve introduced MONsters before. These are monsters that are particularly strong with certain stats, and each of them have a move. This one has the move I Was There the Entire Time.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Oh!

[Tense sting plays, followed by horror action music.]

Kyle

Irene, you go down to get the Mossie. You pop up, and then just in the light we see a blank fuzzy ram’s face…

Hallie

No!

Ari

What?

Kyle

…with a cowboy hat…

Hallie

What?!

Kyle

…that is waggling back and forth a little bit.

Emily (as Irene)

[Flatly.] Oh, hello.

Kyle

[Aggressive blubbering sounds.] And Woobloo is going to attack Irene.

Ari

Woobloo?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Well, I don’t wanna hit Woobloo. Fuck you.

Emily (as Irene)

No thank you.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Emily

And she turns around and leaves. She’s not going for anything. She just scooped up her Mossie and is walking away, trying to maneuver around the puddles again, completely ignoring this thing. She’s not 100% sure it’s real.

[00:50:00]

Kyle

I’m gonna give this to you. The Woobloo looks confused. You’ve baffled it.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

You’ve bamboozled it! You’ve bamb-woobloo-zled it!

Kyle

And Irene is out of the storage room without any equipment.

Hallie

This villainous sheep is so confused.

Kyle

[Warbling sounds.] The door then just shuts behind Irene, and then the Woobloo turns to you, Sparky and Quique’s hand.

[Horror action music begins.]

Hallie

I gesture to Quique.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What the fuck was that?

Ari (as Quique)

I don't know. I thought you would have a clue about what that was all about.

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, just Irene walking out—

Kyle (as Woobloo)

[Blubbering.] Bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Agh!

Hallie

Okay, I don’t want to hit the sheep, so um…

Emily

I would like to reenter the room.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

Hello. I am sorry. I forgot my friends.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Emily

She says, and starts picking her way through the puddles again, going back towards Sparky.

[Silly frantic chase music begins.]

Kyle

Quique, in this time your hand has gotten off of Sparky and successfully grabbed the spatula.

Ari

Yes!

Hallie

Thank god. Thank god!

Kyle

But you’re the only one who notices this.

Hallie

I’m squaring off against this sheep.

Ari (as Quique)

I’ve gotten the spatula, Sparky!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Screaming.

Ari

As I just summon my hand to come back and be like a little boomerang.

Kyle (as Woobloo)

[Aggressive.] Bloo, bloo, bloo!

Kyle

The Woobloo now is furious and is laser-focused on you, Quique. I am gonna have to have you roll Take Action.

Ari

Oh no. Okay.

Kyle

I was gonna let you get away with it, but you loudly proclaimed that you had it. You specifically said you claimed you had it before you summoned the hand.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Good job, Quique!

Ari

[Rolls.] Okay. I rolled a 6.

Kyle (as Woobloo)

Bloo, bloo, bloo!

Kyle

Crash. It slams the hand against the wall.

Ari

No!

Hallie

No!

Kyle

The brimstone spatula falls to the ground.

Ari (as Quique)

It seems to be stuck, Sparky.

Kyle (as Woobloo)

Bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo, bloo.

Kyle

It sweeps up the spatula in one hand before coiling itself, because it’s a wacky wavy inflatable tube arm guy, before coiling itself up in a fury and wabbling its arms in the sky ferociously in intimidation, to show dominance.

Hallie

Um… so we’re in a storage room, implying there’s boxes of random things around. Right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I honestly just want to confuse it. I just wanna kick things in its way and then run away.

Kyle

It has the spatula.

Hallie

Ugh! God.

Kyle

I love that you had the spatula on two separate occasions and yet we are still fighting for it.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

So, one of the skills that I took when I upgraded was Puppy-Dog Eyes from the Animal Companion playbook. I can automatically get a full success on a Convince Somebody without rolling. Can I just convince it to give me the spatula by looking really sad?

Kyle

Do you like take off your glasses to look at it?

Hallie

[Squeaking in amusement.] Yeah!

Kyle

It turns out Sparky actually has beautiful, giant, adorable eyes that we just didn’t know.

Emily

She just wants to make crepes.

[Baa, Baa, Black Sheep plays.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Listen, little sheep. We’d really like to get out of this burning building so that we don’t die inside it. We have a lot of things to find out, and I think that we need that spatula that’s in your hand. I don't know what you want the spatula for, but you can have it back once we’re done. So, if you could just please lend it to us, you can help us. You can help us make the love crepe.

Kyle (as Woobloo)

[Warbles.]

Emily

Can I start quietly petting it while Sparky talks?

Kyle

Yeah.

Kyle (as Woobloo)

Bloo? Bloo, bloo, bloo.

Emily (as Irene)

You’re so soft.

Emily

Irene says, and flumps up against it.

Kyle

And it flumps to the ground and enjoying the pats.

Hallie (as Sparky)

See? See? Irene will keep petting you if you give us the spatula.

Kyle (as Woobloo)

[Contented.] Bloo, bloo, bloo.

Kyle

It happily says that as it drops the spatula to the ground.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I pick it up and I turn and I give Quique the Parks and Rec Andy Dwyer face.

[Laughter.]

I point at it like “eyy.”

Ari (as Quique)

Nice!

Ari

Quique has no idea what just happened, but he’s glad that Sparky has the spatula now.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Thank you, Mister Sheep. Miss Sheep? Thank you… Thank you, Necromon Sheep. Thank you.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene’s getting sleepy.

Kyle

Irene, you recognize what the sheep says, and it says “I missed you, Lucie.”

[00:55:00]

Ari

Oh! What?

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

Does it think we’re Lucie?

Emily

Lucie must have beautiful eyes.

Hallie

[Breathless, amused.] Lucie must have beautiful eyes.

[Emotional.] Oh no…

Ari

Does he think Sparky is Lucie?

Kyle

He does.

Hallie

No~!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

No…

Ari

Maybe that can be Sparky’s new Necromon all along.

Kyle

Yeah, since Little Cutie isn’t with her anymore.

Hallie

Um, Pepito.

[Upbeat childlike music plays.]

Kyle

Alright. You make it back out to the main room after lots and lots of pats, so I’m gonna say Irene is probably after the rest of you.

Emily

She’s moving slow just in general. This Dead Bull is…

Hallie

It’s wearing down.

Kyle

You have the spatula. You have the spices. You do not have a working griddle.

Emily (as Irene)

Let me go check the fridge again.

Emily

Irene says, walking to the bathroom.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, go check the fridge again, Irene.

Ari

I want Quique to go and look with Irene as well.

Kyle

Yeah. Irene, you just go splish-splash. You’re splishing and splashing back in the bathroom. It is a very well taken care of bathroom with just a hint of the grunge, because Big Jake Hell knows you need that little twist of grunge.

Hallie

A little bit.

Kyle

Just a little bit. A little bit of grunge.

Hallie

Just a little tiny bit, as a treat.

Kyle

As they are doing that, Sparky, you are at the griddle.

Hallie

I’m hitting it.

Kyle

Yeah, nothing is happening.

Hallie

Okay. Um… What happens if, like… Normally you push a burner in to turn it on. I’m gonna fiddle with different ways to turn these on. Maybe it’s a silly one and you pull it out.

Kyle

Quique and Irene, you just occasionally hear screams then explosions then screams again as you’re looking through.

[Music ends.]

Irene, you’re splish-splashing. Quique, I will say you notice that there seems to be something written on the toilet paper.

Ari

Oh, interesting. Okay. How do you even write on toilet paper? It’s so flimsy.

Emily

Is it single- or double-ply?

Kyle

Uh, it is…

Ari

I feel like it should be double.

Kyle

It’s double-ply. He’s got the money for it.

Emily

Which way is it folded over?

Kyle

Well, this is on the sink, so that’s not relevant. You see “welcome to Die Hop, your one-stop shop for…” and then it’s ripped off.

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm. Sparky, do you know the logo of the Die Hop?

Hallie

Do I know the logo of the Die Hop, Kyle?

Ari (as Quique)

Not the logo but like the slogan. You know? Here it says welcome to Die Hop…

Hallie

[Smirking.] Do I know the slogan of the Die Hop?

Ari (as Quique)

…your one-stop shop for… and it stops. I assume that there is a slogan that this place has.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s not just crepes?

Ari (as Quique)

I don't know!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Your one-stop shop for crepes?

Ari (as Quique)

For crepes? Is it always crepes? Why is it always crepes?

Hallie (as Sparky)

For crepes? For books? That’s the only two things in here, crepes and books, and griddles that don’t work.

Ari (as Quique)

I don't think it’s that third option.

Kyle

Irene, roll me Understand.

Emily

[Rolls.] Four and 4, and I have 1 Books.

Kyle

So that’s a 9.

Emily

Nine.

Kyle

So you kind of get it. As you’re debating, you hear Irene just humming a melody to herself, like a little jingle, without thinking.

Ari

What is it? Is it in Morse code?

Kyle

It’s something like… [Hums a peppy jingle.]

There’s a second chorus, but I’m not gonna try to memorize all of this.

Emily

[Hums along.] So it’s one syllable?

Ari

I mean, the slogan fits, but it doesn’t have anything after the four…

Hallie

I’m gonna open my laptop and I’m gonna say “Die Hop Hereafter jingle.”

Kyle

Into Ghoulgle?

Hallie

Into Ghoulgle.

Kyle

Into Ghoulgle.

Hallie

Yeah, and I’m gonna see if I can pull up a BooTube video.

Kyle

How good is Sparky at YouTube? At BooTube.

Ari

[Amused.] BooTube.

Emily

Okay. I wanted to make that joke and you were like “it sounds like BoobTube!” So, I didn’t make that joke! And now you’re proudly talking about BooTube, huh?

[Laughter.]

Ari

It also sounds like booty.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

[Chuckling.] I’m so mad.

Hallie

I don't know how good at BooTube exactly… It does sound like that. We gotta fix that.

[Laughter.]

She’s good at investigation and finding things.

Kyle

Okay, roll me Understand with advantage.

Hallie

Okay.

[Rolls.] Thirteen.

Kyle

Okay! You pull up a video. It looks like it was from the 80s even though it definitely was from like two years ago.

Ari

Excellent.

Kyle

You see Big Jake Hell. He doesn’t really seem to be into this, he’s not super into singing these lyrics, but he says:

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

And finally, a little jingle that our sous chef put together. He insisted I read this exactly as written, so uh…

[01:00:00]

[Clears throat.] And a one, and a two, and a…

[Die Hop Jingle begins.]

Welcome to Die Hop, your one-stop shop for food.

We love to slice and chop, so buy a crepe or two.

We haven’t won awards, we’ve got a few too many loose boards

But we can promise this to you:, we’ll never be the ones to leave you blue.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

No wonder nobody remembers that jingle. It’s too long.

Hallie (as Sparky)

It is pretty long.

Ari (as Quique)

It should have stopped at food, in my opinion.

Emily

You can hear Irene whispering under her breath.

Emily (as Irene)

[Whispering.] Welcome to Die Hop, your one-stop shop…

Hallie

Okay. The order of the griddles is either two-one-two-two-two-two-one or one-two-one.

Kyle

Explain how you figured out this order.

Hallie

Because “welcome ‘to’ Die Hop, your ‘one’-stop shop for food. We love ‘to’ slice and chop, so buy a crepe or ‘two.’ We’ve got a few ‘too’ many loose boards, but we can promise this ‘to’ you. We’ll never be the ‘ones’ that leave you blue.” And then the one-two-one is just if we count only the times two is the actual number two.

Ari

Ah.

Emily

Clever.

Ari (as Quique)

That is pretty clever, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Everybody says I’m bad at things until I’m good!

Kyle

Alright, Sparky, you put it in. Can you repeat the long one for me?

Hallie

Two-one-two-two-two-two-one.

Kyle

It’s increasing and increasing and increasing… and about halfway through it dies out.

Hallie

[Splutters.] Okay, I try the short one.

Kyle

That one just doesn’t work.

Hallie

[Shrieks in frustration.] Okay, two… Unless the “a crepe” counts as one.

Ari

So it’s not two-one-two-two-two-two?

Emily (as Irene)

Four! ‘For’ food?

Hallie (as Sparky)

But there’s not a four.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene thinks she’s helping.

Kyle

The girl just shakes her head.

Ari

How about ‘a crepe,’ like one.

Hallie

Right, that’s what I was thinking. So two-one-two-one-two-two-two-one-one.

Kyle

It stops sooner than last time.

Hallie

God damn it!

Emily

We haven’t won’?

Hallie

Oh! Oh! That’s a one! That’s a one!

Kyle

What’s a one?

Hallie

Won. W-O-N. So it’s two-one-two-one-two-one…

Ari

Oh, won!

Hallie

…two-two-one. Is it just two-one repeated at infinitum? Two-one, two-one, two-one, two-one. No, it’s two-one-two-one-two-one-two-two-one.

Kyle

[Laughing.] No it’s not.

Hallie

Yes it is!

Kyle

No it’s not!

Hallie

I’ve got so many post-it notes with all these numbers on them! I can’t read them! ‘To’ Die Hop, your ‘one’-stop shop for food. We love ‘to’ slice and chop, so buy ‘a’ crepe or ‘two.’ We haven’t ‘won’ awards, we’ve got a few ‘too’ many loose boards…

Ari

I have a galaxy brain…

Hallie

…promise this ‘to’ you.

Ari

I don't think it’s correct. I think it’s—

Hallie

[Laughing.] My galaxy plan is “you’re wrong.”

Ari

No. Slice and chop, that’s like two things. Slice AND chop.

Kyle

Okay, I’m gonna—

Emily

Did you count one of the A’s but not the other A?

Hallie

Two-one, two-one, two-one, two-two-one, two-one-two, one-two, one-two-two-one.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Mossies)

See-sawm. See-sawm.

Kyle

Mossies start singing to itself the last one. You notice it sings two versions, one where it emphasizes ‘a’ and one where it doesn’t emphasize ‘a.’ Like I told you, it stops earlier when the ‘a’ is emphasized.

Hallie

Okay, but then I said the original one and you said that was wrong also.

Kyle

You said the original one with ‘a.’

Hallie

No! … Two-one-two, fuck the ‘a,’ two-one-two-two-one? Okay! Two-one, two-two, one-two-two-one.

[Giggling.]

Kyle

And the griddle catches on fire and stays on.

Ari

Yay.

Hallie

Yay! First try! Oh, we did it! We did it! Okay. Okay, we did it.

Ari

We did it, team.

Hallie

First try! I’m gonna cook a love crepe!

Kyle

[Laughs.] How do you all cook this love crepe?

Hallie

We follow the directions!

Emily

I would like to hold up one very special Necromon.

Emily (as Irene)

It is time to inform you that Pokeyo is a chef.

Ari (as Quique)

Ah.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Emily

She turns them around to look at their little face.

[01:05:00]

Emily (as Irene)

You can make a crepe?

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Gasps.] Oh-ee! Oh-ee! Kope.

Emily (as Irene)

They say they can make a crepe.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee-kope!

Ari (as Quique)

I haven’t cooked in probably over a century… no more than that, probably more than a century, so I will trust this little cactus thing more than I would trust myself at cooking crepes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, let’s let the cactus do the cooking.

[French accordion waltz begins.]

Kyle

And what follows is a beautiful heartfelt montage of Pokeyo cooking. If you’ve seen Ratatouille, I’m really thinking those kinds of vibes. Inexplicable French music, frolicking, dancing, so much joy coming simply from the process of creation itself, except instead of a rat it’s a cactus and instead of whatever the hell Remy was cooking it is a crepe. At the end in the center you see a single crepe that is flaming with a fire that does not emit heat.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Pokeyo is beaming and looking to Irene for praise.

Emily

Irene will cuddle them so hard and then hold them up so that she’s looking at their little face.

Emily (as Irene)

You are the best chef in the entire whole worlds.

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

[Pleased.] Oh-ee!

Emily (as Irene)

Like, all of them. There’s never been any chef that’s better than you. Right?

Emily

And she turns them back around and holds them out, Lion King style, waiting for Sparky and Quique to also praise Pokeyo.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh yeah, absolutely. I had no idea they could do that thing.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. Honestly, as I say, it’s better than whatever I could come up with, or Tucán as well. He tried to cook once and I had to rebuild my kitchen.

Emily (as Irene)

I would be a very good cook except my father does not let me use the stove alone.

Kyle

I want an image of Tucán in a burning chef’s hat. Just proudly: I made breakfast in bed for Quique.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yes, that is exactly what happened.

Hallie

Okay. What do we do now with this flaming crepe?

Ari

Put it in front of the flames?

Emily

I was picturing putting it over my hand like an oven mitt and trying to open the door.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

Is there a suspiciously crepe-shaped lock hole?

Kyle

[Laughs.] No, there is not. There is not a giant crepe-shaped lock.

Hallie

Okay. There should be.

Emily (as Irene)

What if we feed it to our sheep friend now?

Ari (as Quique)

Do we have enough ingredients in case the crepe burns and/or is eaten? Then we can recook it.

Hallie

Do we have to like put it on a table as if we’re serving it? We can serve it to the sheep, to the…

[Through giggles.] To the Woobloo.

Emily

[Grinning.] Sorry, the what?

Emily (as Irene)

What if we eat it and then try to put our hand in the fire?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, like eating it will give us immunity to the fire?

Emily (as Irene)

Yeah.

Emily

Irene looks really proud of herself. One eye blinks, then the other eye blinks.

Hallie (as Sparky)

When we touch the crepe that’s on fire…

Ari (as Quique)

Again, I few run out of the crepe, do we have enough ingredients to cook it again?

Kyle

As this happens, Boidelrat and Mossies start hyping up Pokeyo.

[Magical music begins.]

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle (as Mossies)

See-sawm. See-sawm!

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-um!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee? Oh-ee?

Ari (as Mallea)

Lay-uh!

Hallie (as Pokeyo)

Oh-ee?

Kyle

As their love and affection seeps into Pokeyo, the flame on the crepe goes higher and higher before it eventually hits the ceiling, shoots all over the building, and suddenly every single door – the back room, the bathroom, every cabinet, and the front door – bursts open.

Emily

I like that you had to pull in the Necromon because we don’t love each other enough.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Also, I want to be clear, the escape room was already over. That last part wasn’t a puzzle, you just had to do anything and I would have said “yes, it works.”

Hallie

I asked if there was a crepe-shaped lock and you said no!

Emily

That’s not “yes, and”-ing, Kyle.

Kyle

Anything except for there is a giant hole in the door the size of a crepe.

Hallie

Why not? I was gonna pick it up and throw it pie style at the door, but I didn’t want to ruin our one crepe.

Ari

Now I regret not giving it to the…

Hallie

Maybe we should have given it to the sheep. Can we give it to the sheep?

Emily

We still have it, right? It didn’t go away.

Hallie

Yeah. I would like to feed it to the Woobloo as a thank you for giving us the spatula.

Ari

Yeah!

[01:10:00]

Kyle

The Woobloo isn’t there.

Hallie

What?!

Ari

Nooo.

Hallie

Where did it go? Woobloo?

Ari

Woobloo?

Hallie

Woobloo?

Emily

Irene offers the crepe to the wall, thinking that it is the Woobloo.

Hallie

That’s not good. I feel like the Woobloo shouldn’t just be out in the world.

Ari

Yeah. What happened to the little sheep thing?

Hallie

Where did it go? Where did the Woobloo go?

Ari

Did it like disappear with the flames?

Emily

I assume it’s back out front doing its little thing.

Hallie

Is it back out front doing its Woobloo thing?

Kyle

No, it is not there either.

Hallie

Oh…

Ari

The true mystery is to find the Woobloo.

Hallie

Quique, you have a tracking skill. Use it on the Woobloo.

Ari

I wanna use Natural Hunter to find the Woobloo.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I’m just gonna give it to you. It’s in the door! It’s in the fucking door that we spent the past two hours trying to open!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Okay! Well, you made it sound like it wasn’t anywhere in the immediate vicinity that we could see if we just turned our heads.

Kyle

I just like that the second you get distracted by the Woobloo the entire point of two sessions flies out the window.

Emily

You know, the longer you yell at us the longer this session is gonna take.

Hallie

What’s in the room? What’s in the room?

Ari

Is it another Woobloo?

Hallie

Is it another Woobloo or is it secrets, or is it both?

Ari

Is it a Woobloo with secrets?

Hallie

Is it a secret Woobloo?

Ari

That says things in Morse code.

Emily

Is Big Jake Hell a Woobloo?

Hallie

[Laughs.] I’m crying.

Kyle

You enter the room.

[Tragic music begins.]

The fiery outline that was on the door and on the walls is all that is in here. It doesn’t burn, but you can see almost through the flames there’s nothing but void outside of you. This is not a room in Die Hop, this is just a different space entirely. Every demon dies going down in flames. Their horns represent the length of their sins.

Ari

Ooh.

Kyle

This room, this cell that all demons have, shows their sins. The wall is filled with what at first seemed like innocuous things, a new restaurant here, a new business there, fun little mom and pop shops, but when you grab onto any of them and you look you realize that these are just fronts. If you turn it around, you’ll see a name, Bribery, Intimidation, the backs of these innocuous restaurants each of which naming a crime akin to one that would be done by a mob organization, all of which have connected to each other from the back in this tangled underground web.

Ari

Ah. Does it form anything?

Kyle

The web all reaches a pedestal in the center devoted to someone named Lucie. On top of the pedestal you see an open book that floats and makes kind of murmuring sounds like a Necromon with green writing in its center.

[Music changes to ghostly credits music.]

Behind it, petting his Woobloo, you see Big Jake Hell, his short horns in this room lengthen so long they reach down to his feet and spill out like Rapunzel’s hair.

Ari

Ooh.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I must say it took all of you quite a bit longer than I expected.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

You could’ve helped us. You just sat in this room and you didn’t help us.

Emily (as Irene)

Can I pet your Woobloo?

Hallie (as Sparky)

You just sat in this room, Jake, and you let us break into your restaurant, and you let us go through all this rigmarole. We made a crepe—the cactus made a crepe. We went through the books, we went through the microfilm, and you’re just sitting here. Are you kidding me?!

Emily (as Irene)

This is his horny room.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Don’t… Don’t.

Ari (as Quique)

Is this some Wizard of Oz situation? You know, one of those things, don’t pay attention to the demon behind the curtain kind of situation as we almost burned in flames.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Wait. Did you… Did you think the building was gonna burn down?

Hallie (as Sparky)

It was not out of the question, Jake.

[01:15:00]

Ari (as Quique)

I mean, there were reports of restaurants burning down. We had no idea you were actually here to begin with. So, you know, we were trying to save us and your restaurant in a way.

Emily (as Irene)

Everything was on fire. Why would we think it would not burn down?

Ari (as Quique)

What was the alternative?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, uh… touché.

Hallie

[Amused.] Touché.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, let’s uh… Why don’t you all take a seat?

Kyle

He snaps his fingers and three flaming chairs appear.

--

Kyle

Including some slogans that he’s come up with, including: our food is revolutionary, the people’s eatery, let them eat crepes, and our food will slice your head clean off.

Ari (as Quique)

That last one is disconcerting to say the least.

Ari

That is what Quique will say.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

--

Emily (as Irene)

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Hallie

Yeah, that one.

Emily

Irene says, picking up a frying pan and holding it over her head, looking at the door.

Ari (as Quique)

No! Get the kid away from the fire!

Hallie (as Sparky)

It’s everywhere, Quique! We can’t!

--

Kyle

I’m hunting as well because I forgot which one… I didn’t write down the answers.

Ari

What?! Kyle!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I vaguely remember them. I found one.

Emily

[Disappointed.] Kyle…

Kyle

I found one.

--

Hallie (as Sparky)

Listen, little sheep.

Ari

You little shit.

Hallie

I meant to say sheep!

Ari

No, you did say sheep, but like…

Hallie

Listen up, you little shit.

Kyle

See? That’s the different energy. Sparky with glasses? “Listen here, you little shit.” Sparky with glasses off? “Listen, little sheep.”

Hallie

Yeah.

--

Kyle

You notice that one of the Mossies, which is wet and damp…

Emily

[Smug.] Both wet and damp.

Hallie

Mm-hmm, both types of wet.

Kyle

…is pulling out a little recorder from the bathroom that it seemed to find.

Hallie

Well thank god for these Necromon.

Emily

Wait. It came out of the bathroom?

Kyle

Um… Actually, no. Fuck it. Fuck it, that’s not gonna happen. I’m gonna say you just come back and the griddle isn’t working.

Ari

What?

Emily

No! Go back to when you were giving us stuff.

Hallie

Go back to the thing you were giving us.

Kyle

No.

Emily

No, go back.

Kyle

No. No.

Hallie

Ack. I hit the griddle with the spatula.

Kyle

I’m undoing the freebie I gave you. Yeah, you just come back, you have the spatula, you have the spices, you do not have a working griddle.

Ari

Well, I think there’s something in the bathroom then.

Hallie

[Laughs.]