45. Crepe Escape (Part 3)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Emily (as If)

Why is your eel friend in a card?

Kyle (as Oset)

[Distraught.] His name is Sammy! You’d need like legendary magic, and we all know that these things don’t exist.

Kyle (as Bier)

The name’s Bier Steinsman.

[Laughter.]

If you ever need something done, you can give me a call.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright, but like legally, right?

Kyle

You see an invitation to a celebration party for the brand-new hip musical Swanshine.

Lucie’s Lover’s Crepe will open the door… to your heart!

Ari

Ah.

Hallie

What’s in the room?! What’s in the room?!

Kyle

You see Big Jake Hell…

Emily (as If)

[Giggles.] Lucie, just in time.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

You are in this fiery jail cell with the torment of thousands, probably millions, billions of souls… jail cells making this kind of burning milky way galaxy behind you, or like a nebula. This is the space where demons go to reflect on their sins. In front of you, a demon who now has long draping horns that pool at his feet, where normally they are quite small, Big Jake Hell is standing in front of you, one hand petting Woobloo and the other motioning to the chairs that he has created for you.

Hallie (as Sparky)

So what’s, uh, what’s…

Hallie

And Sparky gestures to everything.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What’s this about? What’s this about, Jake?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, this is a cell of sin, a place that whether you literally visited or not is stuck with a demon from the moment they come into being until they go to the void beyond the bottom levels of the Afterworlds.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are we in—Are you in the Afterworlds?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Hard to tell. It’s a place that is not bound by any specific layer of existence. I don't know exactly where it is or if it’s a place you physically can go. All I know is that it is where I belong.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Okay. Sure, okay.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Sparky sits and crosses her arms and her legs and just sits and stares at him and waits.

Ari (as Quique)

She’s waiting for you to say more than that.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Alright, fair enough. I suppose it’s hard where to start. Would you like to begin with my actions?

Kyle

And he points to the businesses.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Or where they ended?

Kyle

And he points to the book.

[Hits something that reverberates.] Sorry.

Hallie

I like to think he hit something in the room also that made that gong.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I’m so sorry. I’m a big boy in a small room.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Over the course of my time as a living man, I acquired a great many businesses with which to punish the sinful through far worse actions of my own. On Valentine’s Day no less, I created a crepe that damned me to this form for eternity.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That feels a little bit unbalanced.

Ari (as Quique)

Sounds a little excessive to me.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, like you made a bad crepe and now you have a sin room.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

It’s not just the crepe, it’s what the crepe is about.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Irritated.] Okay.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

[Exhales.] No, I don’t need to go into philosophy or rambling or any sort of poor justification for what I did.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Breathy.] I am begging you not to philosophize.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

What drives the three of you?

Ari (as Quique)

That’s a very specific question. What drives you?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, what… ugh. I suppose I was just asking what motivated you. Why are you here? What made you decide I am going to break into Die Hop to figure out what’s in a secret room, and then when I see the man whose property I broke into I will then sit down in a chair and listen to him tell me his life story?

Hallie (as Sparky)

In our defense, you did offer to tell us your life story as soon as we were in this room and then you said a lot of interesting things such as “this is a sin cell.”

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

So, interest. Is that what motivates you, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, uh, sure. I’m interested.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

What about the two of you?

Kyle

And he points to Quique and Irene.

[00:05:00]

Ari (as Quique)

If I’m perfectly honest, not to throw Sparky under the proverbial bus here, but I just came along for the adventure.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

Sparky just wanted to do this, and I like mysteries.

Emily (as Irene)

They had to call in an expert.

Emily

Irene says to the girl in the corner.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Ari (as Quique)

The expert was clearly me, but also of course…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, well, it’s also me because I’m an investigative reporter. We did a really kickass job on your room there.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, uh… thank you for sharing. Mine was what I believed to be justice. When I was not just a younger man, when I was a man, I saw so much wrong in the world and didn’t know how to fix it. I was lost, I was aimless, and that’s when I met Lucie.

[Melancholy music begins.]

Lucie was the one who sparked me into action, who taught me that there were things that could be done. Now, Lucie’s approach was grizzly, was ghastly. They believe that to improve the world was to rid it of what was wrong. As someone seeking an easy solution, that was what I wanted, so I fell, both emotionally and…

Kyle

And he points to the long horns.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…literally. They taught me everything I know: the way of acquiring businesses, putting up an honorable front, and using it to make all sorts of shady deals that, through the process of damning ourselves, helped us find those who were doing horrendous things. Once we found them, we used their sin, their avarice, their lust, their pride, whatever sin have you to burn them. We did that a great, great many times.

Originally it was just the two of us. Eventually we got a gang. The gang called Lucie by many names: the Morningstar, Mother Nature, the Prince of Darkness… Lucifer. Eventually we each had our own right-hand man. Philippe was there with me from the start and, well, Lucie had their own, a relentless mercenary for hire. Like Lucie, he also didn’t keep many names himself, but I believe the one he gave you was Bier Steinsman. Bier doesn’t do things for free, Sparky. You need to watch yourself.

Hallie

Sparky doesn’t respond. She’s just waiting for him to keep going.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Eventually I realized that we were just burning things, leaving a wake of pain and bodies behind us. There was nothing that grew on the lands that we razed. There was only ashes. But, I could never see the wrong in Lucie. When they asked me to make something special for Valentine’s Day, something that would open hearts… honestly, it’s really foolish of me. They were like hey, make something that opens hearts and opens literal things, and you know, we’re gonna go right outside this section of BITE headquarters specifically at this time of day when the fewest people are around. It’s the perfect Valentine’s.

I need to be clear. I knew perfectly well what was happening, but I couldn’t help myself. I think even if I knew what Lucifer was after I still would have done it.

Imps die stumbling into flames. They follow the will of someone else. Demons, there’s no redemption for us. We make ourselves. That’s why I know with certainty that I knew what I was doing that day.

[Music ends.]

So, anyways, my rambling story about myself aside, let’s get to the star of the show.

Kyle

He says, casually and nervously petting the side of this book which purrs in response.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

This is the Necromonicon.

[Haunting mystery music begins.]

This thing right here, this makes creatures too powerful for this world to handle. It is something the Bureau was working on, something that makes Necromon. I don't know how, all I know is that anyone who wants this cannot have it. Trust me, many have tried, and that is why here and here alone is where it shall stay until it follows me into the abyss at the end of existence.

[Music ends.]

[00:10:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Is there a reason the back room of Die Hop is the safest place for the Necroni-mi… the micon? [Continues stammering and mispronouncing.]

Emily (as Irene)

Necromonicon, Sparky Malarky.

Ari (as Quique)

Necromonmamon.

Emily (as Irene)

[Slowly, emphatically.] Necromonicon.

Ari (as Quique)

Necronomanom?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ganum… mahna-mahna.

Emily (as Irene)

This is why I am here.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

None in particular, but I couldn’t think of anything better myself. To be frank, Philippe is great, but he’s not much of an ideas guy. They say two heads are better than one, but between me and him we still only have one head, so…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Then how did you come to gain control of the Necra… Nec—

Emily (as Irene)

Nec-ro-mon-i-con, Sparky Malarky.

Ari (as Quique)

Is there a shortened name for this book?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Is there? The Necrobook. Can we just call it the Necrobook?

Ari (as Quique)

The Necro. Can we call it the Necro?

Hallie (as Sparky)

The Necro! How did you come to take control of the Necro?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Oh, I mean, that’s like a prefix for multiple words, but uh…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, but we all know the context of this one.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Alright. Alright. Yeah.

[Haunting mystery music begins.]

As I mentioned, Lucie tried to use the crepe to get it. Luckily, that attempt was thwarted but only because someone else was trying to get it at the same time. In the fury, I don't know what went over me. I just took it and ran. I’d like to say it was the last good thing I did, but considering I died holding it, I don't think that’s the case. It ended up here with me and I decided to keep it that way.

Hallie (as Sparky)

The love crepe. How was the crepe going to get the Necro?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well the crepe, as you can see, simply put it opens any door in front of it.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m sorry. It’s not just this specific escape room? The crepe unlocks it like it was made for this escape room. This crepe unlocks any door?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Philippe was very proud of the recipe. He is quite the chef.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Breathless, amused, in disbelief.] He is quite the chef.

This crepe, with what’s in it, Quique… lemon, oregano?

Ari

Quique will say all of the ingredients that I don’t remember because it’s been, like, weeks.

Kyle

Lemon, oregano, vanilla and enoki mushrooms.

Hallie (as Sparky)

These four ingredients unlock anything?! What happens if you eat the crepe?

Ari (as Quique)

Do you unlock the secrets to your stomach?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah!

Ari (as Quique)

Do you become the key if you eat the crepe?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique’s asking the right questions. What?!

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I don't know if anyone’s actually been able to eat the crepe before it expelled its magic.

Hallie

I’m gonna eat the crepe. I’m gonna eat the crepe.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

It’s already used its magic, Sparky. You can see it’s not flaming, it’s not blue, it’s—

Hallie (as Sparky)

[With her mouth full.] This crepe is awful. God!

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

It’s not designed to be eaten, Sparky. I think it’s pretty alright. You know, an eclectic mix, but delicious in its own way. Just you know, vile and repulsive and the reason behind my trauma, but you know, besides that.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

[With her mouth full.] Uh-huh.

[Spits out the crepe.]

Hallie

She can’t eat anymore.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

So anyways, yes, all doors. I feel like that’s a pretty clear statement. If it is a door and it is in the nearby vicinity when the crepe is made, it opens.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Okay. It’s a one crepe per door kind of a thing?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

No, all doors, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes. Yes. No, I understand.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Like, all doors in the nearby vicinity.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh! The one crepe works on… like, it will open three doors if there’s three doors in the vicinity.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yes. We made the crepe in a restaurant right next to BITE headquarters, therefore opening the doors there and also in the headquarters.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh my god. Okay. Okay. You opened just so many fucking doors. Okay, so the crepe opened all these doors and now you have the Necro.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

[Sighs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m taking notes, man.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yes. Alright, to simplify the story:

[Silly music begins.]

I wanted to create justice to the world. I met Lucifer, the Morningstar, Mother Nature, the Prince of Darkness, who convinced me that destroying sinners, or burning them, was the way by which to fix the world.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

We assembled our ranks, I started getting skeptical, but unfortunately I fell quite literally, emotionally and romantically and philosophically behind Lucifer, the Morningstar, Mother Nature, Prince of Darkness…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Yes.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

…who then tricked me, although I clearly knew what was going on, into making this lovers’ crepe on Valentine’s Day which then created an explosion that opened up doors, including those into BITE headquarters.

[00:15:00]

Lucifer, the Morningstar, Mother Nature, Prince of Darkness, then abandoned me to go get the Necromonicon and I, in a moment of clarity, of greed, of lust, what have you, went to get it myself. I died in the process and awoke here with the book. That is why the book is in the cell with me. That is why I own so many businesses, although they are legitimate now.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

And for the rehabilitation of those who have been wronged and taken down a dark path. And now you are here.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, so we’ve caught up.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yes, I suppose we have.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh thank goodness. We just wanted, um… I think a pizza, for sure, and um… Oh! Irene, kiddo, kiddo. We finally got someone. What, uh… what do you want?

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle

Earl, who is standing in the center of this vein of ice, turns back and he looks at you, If, as you’ve made your way back to the entrance following this trail of freezing cold to its inevitably interesting nexus.

Emily (as If)

Finally.

Kyle (as Earl)

What was that?

Emily (as If)

Uh… pizza.

Kyle (as Earl)

Okay, yeah, so uh… I guess, is there a way to do like a pizza on a pizza? Like you flip—I know it’s weird, but like a covered pizza almost. Maybe you flip them around.

[Hushed.] I’m just trying to make this day really special for her.

Emily (as If)

Can’t ‘you’ make it?

Kyle (as Earl)

Well, I mean, uh…

Emily (as If)

You and Aubrey.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Irene, I don’t think we can—

Kyle (as Lucie)

Oh no, oh no, I insist. Making it is part of the experience. It’s a real bonding activity, bonding in the flames of the pizza.

[Music changes to ominous ambience.]

Emily

If pauses and does a little giggle.

Emily (as If)

Keep playing.

Kyle (as Earl)

What was that, kiddo?

Emily (as If)

I want to keep playing while you make a pizza.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh. Okay. Aubrey, let’s uh… Why don’t you go play with Irene and I’ll make the pizza?

Emily (as If)

No. I don’t want to play with you.

Kyle

Aubrey looks like she’s gonna interrupt, but the other voice says:

Kyle (as Lucie)

Please, she’ll be fine. You two go take care of your little pizza making and I’ll make sure your guest here has a good time.

Kyle (as Earl)

Oh, okay. Okay.

Kyle

And Earl and Aubrey walk off again, leaving you in the company of… just someone who’s just real fucking hot.

[Music changes to cool sexy rock.]

This person is tall and straight-faced. They have the perfect mixture in both clothing and posture of a very formal attentive aristocrat while also having the laidback vibe of a biker. They have a biker jacket with underneath an aristocratic outfit with a cravat poking out from the center. Skintight… I’m trying to think of a good fabric. They’re not jeans. They’re kind of like, you know, that shiny leather?

Emily

They’re like pleather.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

This person again has just an absolutely gorgeous chiseled face as if straight out of a sculpture, a classic sculpture. They have short white hair that pokes out in a way that is beautifully messy, and poking out of their hair are long horns that reach down across their back and down to their heels like long flowing beautiful hair pressed against their backside. In the grooves of these horns is green light with icicles that drip down the sides, frozen in place. Essentially, aristocratic greaser David Bowie demon is kind of what I’m going for here.

Emily

So this is David Bowie playing Jareth the Goblin King.

Kyle

Yeah, exactly.

Emily

Okay, I’m into it.

Kyle

They don’t move at all. They’re standing perfectly at attention.

[Music changes to threatening ambience.]

Their eyes track Earl and Aubrey as they leave, and as soon as they leave they look down to you.

Kyle (as Lucie)

So, is this what you’re up to nowadays?

Emily (as If)

Today.

Kyle (as Lucie)

Today?

Emily (as If)

Mm-hmm. Yesterday I was someone else doing something else. It’s not like this was my preference, but we do what we have to do. How’s the boyfriend?

[00:20:00]

Kyle

You can see the rivets, the little lines in Lucie’s horns were starting to melt the iciness. When you say “how’s the boyfriend,” they full-on start steaming, going straight from solid to gas.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

The area around you starts to steam as well.

Emily (as If)

Cute.

Kyle (as Lucie)

[Laughs uneasily.] Yes, cute. I’m afraid, young one, I’m on business right now, so if you could go and have your little… playtime with the sad middle-aged man and his entourage somewhere else, that would be greatly appreciated.

Emily (as If)

Why?

Kyle (as Lucie)

Because unfortunately some of us actually have things to do, plans to put in place.

Emily (as If)

[Giggles.] You think I don’t?

Kyle (as Lucie)

Then why didn’t you take my deal, If?

Emily (as If)

I don’t take deals. I make them.

Kyle

You can feel the ground against you getting hotter and hotter.

Kyle (as Lucie)

In that case, why don’t we make a deal right now? It’s a pretty simple one. You leave this venue, this emporium of fun and pizza, and we don’t find out at what temperature shadows burn.

Emily (as If)

Dramatic as always.

Kyle (as Lucie)

Fickle as always.

Emily (as If)

I won’t stick around for too long. I’m just making a point.

Kyle (as Lucie)

Unfortunately, I don’t have time for the points of children.

Emily (as If)

[Simpers.]

Kyle

With that, Lucie moves their hand to the right and green flames fly across the entire desk that they’re standing behind. That’s when Earl pops out.

Kyle (as Earl)

Hey there, kiddo. We gotta talk a bit about that pizza idea—Oh, okay! Okay…

Emily (as If)

[Reluctant.] We should leave.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Just like how this episode has two plot threads, I’ve got two promos for you for today’s announcement break. I think you’re gonna be interested in them especially if you really liked our first season, Flashback Future. It’s been a couple of years since we wrapped up that sci-fi campaign, and you probably, if you liked it, want more. Well, you can find more… at ExplorersWanted.fm.

[Game show music begins.]

Explorers Wanted is a weekly Numenera actual play podcast about exploration, intrigue and friendship. Each episode is a tightly-edited package of theatrical scenes, humor, delicious die rolls, and a healthy dash of chaos energy.

Their current campaign Hearts in Orbit begins at episode 182. It is a homebrewed gasmask chic aesthetic that’s torn in economic and ecological crisis. Within this crisis, a crew of misfits need to build a community for those that the empire oppresses. These heroes include an escaped convict and aspirational revolutionary, an amnesiac thief with an ability to walk through walls, and something that will be very familiar to anyone listening to this episode, a journalist leaning into a life of crime.

Now, this is a peculiar bunch, and you’re probably gonna ask how can these three stand against an empire. What you really should be asking is how have they survived this long at all. I want to note that not only is there a dog show gone horribly wrong but there is written, in all caps: VERY. DANGEROUS. STAIRS.

[Chuckling.] So, that’s the level of competence we’re dealing with.

In addition to their Numenera campaign, Explorers Wanted does a bunch of other games. For example, Episode 127 – Suddenly Ham Bath is an Under the Neighborhood crossover. The other one I want to point out is Of Paperwork and Panties where they play We Are All Mad Here. That’s Episode 48, it’s fairy tales gone weird.

[00:25:00]

I’m pointing out this one because Daniel, the GM of Explorers Wanted, wrote that it was fairy tales gone weird, “this is an old one, and while I don’t like the audio quality, listeners seem to be fond of it.” If there’s anything that describes how I feel about early Flashback Future, that sure is it.

So again, if any of that caught your interest, you can get more info at ExplorersWanted.fm or just search Explorers Wanted wherever you get your podcasts.

[Music ends.]

So that’s one way to get Numenera, but the other way is to go on our Patreon. I talk about our Patreon a lot because it has a lot of cool things—it has short stories, it has bonus podcasts, it has a whole bonus podcast series where we just talk about games we’ve played—but there is a new addition that I think is genuinely interesting especially if you’re looking for a gift for the holiday season.

You see, gifts are really important to me, and in my opinion the best kind of gift you can give someone is something that they would want but they wouldn’t buy themselves. Considering that we have quite a few listeners than we have patrons…

[Game show music begins.]

…a Patreon membership is the perfect gift to give someone, baby!

That’s right, if you go to Patreon.com/QuestFriends/gift, you can gift a brief membership to the Quest Friends! Patreon to anyone of your choice. If you’re not sure who to give it to, I did hear that there are… you know, there’s a handful of people who subscribe to our Patreon already free and I don't think any of them would scoff at a gift.

[Smiling.] I don't know how to run this promo without acting jokingly scummy, but genuinely, I think it’s really cool that Patreon has opened up gifts. If you know someone who might be interested in this but hasn’t paid, you can give them access. Even if it’s just for a month, they get an entire backlog access to everything their tier covers, which we’re talking years upon years of content including all of our Flashback Future content.

I’ve also been thinking of bundling some of that content into purchasable packages. Right now you can purchase the Ghosts of Campaigns Past which is that bonus podcast series, but if you’d be interested in me bundling the zines that we used to do or all of the Flashback Future short stories or anything like that, let me know and I would love to make it a bundle.

Alright, that’s all I got for you today. Our next episode is going to be a very special Hallmarked, I say as if every Hallmarked isn’t special and weird in its own way. Then, hopefully, two weeks after that we will be ready to learn about the announcement of Swanshine. I’ll talk to you then.

[Music swells and carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

So you said people have approached you about trying to get this Necro?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

-monicon, yes.

Hallie (as Sparky)

And who was the most recent one?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Well, BITE itself, allegedly, although I know quite well that they’re working for that pop singer, Xochi I think her name is.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Xochi, right.

Ari

Quique will just like… (start coughing). I don't know if he was eating. He was maybe trying to eat the crepe and he will—

Kyle

[Choking sounds.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

You’re right, Sparky. You can’t eat this crepe.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, it’s an awful crepe. Real hard to swallow.

Emily

Irene is going to quietly reach out for the crepe because both Sparky and Quique have tasted this crepe now.

Hallie

I like to think that she’s not in frame, just her hand is reaching in from off frame.

Kyle

And it’s just a little bit short.

Hallie

It’s really trying.

Emily

She’s slowly starting to wilt as she gets sleepy as the Dead Bull…

Hallie

As it fades off.

Emily

She does little grabbing hands.

Ari (as Quique)

Just for investigative purposes here, for being part of Sparky’s reporter helpers sometimes, do you have any information or idea as to why this person, this latest person wants to get this book, might have wanted it for…? You know, any… any things that you’ve heard. Just for curiosity of what people want this for, necessarily, what plans.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I’m gonna be honest. I can’t say for sure. I don't know her well enough. It’s a shame. I wish I could tell you that I knew someone close to her, a friend or family.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, sure. Yeah. That would be a good thing to know.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Because as I said, this book is power, fundamental and unbridled.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah.

[Haunting mystery music begins.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I asked the three of you what motivates you. Whatever motivates her, whatever sin… that would very likely be it.

[00:30:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Stammers.] Which of the sins? Are we going by the seven, like the classic ones? Judging by what I know about Xochi, which isn’t much, she seems to really like controlling people. That’s a sin, right?

Ari (as Quique)

I would say, if we’re going by the seven, probably something like envy maybe, or pride maybe.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s interesting. Okay. Yeah, if we knew someone who had recently gotten close to Xochi, that could be a good start.

Ari (as Quique)

It sure would be nice to have close contact with that person and not, you know…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Mm-hmm?

Ari

Quique will just stare at his phone with his 50 unreplied messages.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah… Alright, so listen, Jake. You’ve got this room and you’ve got all of this, and I have been difficult through this whole thing and I’m… sorry.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Go on.

Hallie (as Sparky)

But you know what, you know what, you know how sometimes when you hire a security firm they break into a place first to identify flaws in the security? We kinda did that for you, so you’re also welcome. We got through the room. So like, do you need anything from us? Do we need to help protect the book? Do we have to investigate stuff? Because you know, I don't know anyone who Xochi’s close to, but I bet, if given some time, I could.

Ari (as Quique)

Hypothetically, we might be able to know of a recent event that is coming up soon, and you know, hypothetically could get an ‘in’ with certain passes, I suppose.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah… hypothetically.

Kyle

Roll me Convince Somebody with Heart and with advantage. I’m gonna have Hallie roll it, but she gets the advantage from Ari pointing out the party.

Hallie

Oh. Wait, is my Heart good today? Let me see.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

My Heart is good today! It’s a +2.

[Rolls.] Bop, bop, bop. A 7 plus 2 is a 9.

Ari

Can I use my Loaded Die which is 4 to help Sparky?

Hallie

Yes, yes, yes. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Kyle

I’m gonna choose, if it’s alright, what the drawback would be on a mixed success, if that’s alright, Sparky.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Because I’m gonna flip this around just a little bit where he’s not convinced but he tells you exactly what he would want you to do.

Hallie

Yeah, the whole, like, oh man, I would hate if you went and found illegal textbooks on this website.

Kyle

Yeah. He’s gonna say…

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I really respect that, Sparky, but this is my sin to deal with. I can’t ask you to—

Kyle

And then he hears Quique say hypothetically if there’s an event.

[Melancholy music begins.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

You cannot. Whatever you do, do not go to that musical announcement party. I cannot enforce enough, you cannot do that. I do not trust easily.

Ari (as Quique)

Neither do I.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

And I cannot ask those I trust to be put in danger.

Ari (as Quique)

Neither do I. Hey, we have some things in common.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Ari

This is still a little of the effects of the…

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Then you understand, sir, why under all circumstances you cannot go to that party.

Hallie

I want to acknowledge the trusting thing. The problem is that I can’t think of how to do it except to be like “okay” and then cross my fingers exactly like Hopper Scotch did in Season 1. So, I’m just doing the same thing again.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

Mr. Big Jake Hell.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yes, there, Miss Irene Hawthorne?

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you for that respectful address. I would just like to inform you.

Emily

She blinks and one eye blinks a little before the other one, and she points her finger.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I hate that. I hate that so much.

Emily

Sleepily points her finger.

Emily (as Irene)

You clearly value trust and honesty, so I am going to be very honest with you. We will probably go to that party.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Ha, what?! Actually, yeah, we probably will.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Emily

How many AP would I have to give you to make the animatronic robot, at least one of them, Necromon?

Kyle

Give me 2.

Emily

I’ll give you 2.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I would like to use Wild Necromon Capture.

Kyle

[Amused.] Okay!

Emily

Just, you know, mess around a little bit, make it a Necromon, use my little AP. Ideally it would be something fire-extinguishing adjacent in abilities, and I want it to be mine.

[00:35:00]

Kyle

Yeah. We’re gonna say that Everlasting Eel was a Whaterwhip, a close relative of the Lillerwhip, that explicitly shoots water. So how are you gonna try to capture this mon as the Confrontation begins?

[Chase music begins.]

We’re gonna do a short one this time, 3 and 3. Lucie’s goal is to burn down Chuck Beavers’ Emporium of Fun and Pizza with you inside of it, or you know, they’ll settle for your host’s family. What is your goal?

Emily

I wouldn’t care that much about the sad man and the random professional, but If told Irene that she wouldn’t hurt them. My goal is I want all the living people and myself out.

Kyle

Okay. Your goal is to get you, Earl, Aubrey and Oset out of the building.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

Okay, and that green fire is already spreading fast. It is racing. It seems to be almost reaching like tendrils towards Earl, towards Aubrey, towards Oset, and towards you.

[Ghostly action music begins.]

Actually, no. Lucie doesn’t give a shit about Oset. It’s just reaching towards the three of you.

Emily

My ideal would be to harness this Necromon to sweep us out of the building, however, if that’s not gonna work, I am also willing to give up my mantle, duck behind something, transform into Rasputin, summon several horses, transform back into Irene, and then have us all ride away. [Laughs.]

Kyle

[Smiles.] Okay, this is a multistep plan here. First, let’s try to catch the mon.

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

You don’t have a card, so you’ll run, and Oset will be like:

Kyle (as Oset)

[Sobbing.] It was freezing, and now it’s steaming.

Emily

I just want to rifle through his pockets to find an empty card.

Kyle (as If)

Yes, I will make one of my arms disappear, return it to its original shadowy state—much better for pick pocketing—just reach around, pull out the shadow of a card, slip it back into my fleshy hand, and voila, like magic.

Kyle

So you grab the card and you roll I think Fierce to catch.

Emily

I want to use Magical Enhancement.

Kyle (as If)

Magical Enhancement, you see, I can use some of my shadowy magic to make things just a little bit higher than they would be otherwise. I’ll keep this hand here, and you know, throw with the other but navigate it a bit with the shadows.

Kyle

Alright, roll.

Emily

[Rolls.] I rolled a 3 and I have -2 Fierce.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

But, with Magic Enhancement, that pushes failures up to mixed successes. You are gonna catch the Necromon temporarily. Basically you get to hold 1 advantage, you get to use this mon once.

Emily

Alright.

[Mysterious ghostly music begins.]

Kyle

If, I’ll say you throw out your card and it goes to catch the mon, but when it does something weird and seemingly unexpected happens to the card. It shocks and it jolts and there’s just this weird energy coursing around it. The card itself disappears into shadow for a moment before reappearing different than it was before, a different brand of Necrocard, one where the image is larger and there is no signature.

Kyle (as Oset)

[Stammers.] What… What is that?

Emily

If sighs.

Emily (as If)

I thought he was supposed to be smarter than this.

[Music changes to threatening chase music.]

Kyle

Alright. You had time to do that, but the fire is still burning. That took you quite a bit longer than expected.

Emily

And these are the knees of an elderly woman. Running is…

Kyle

She’s so slow. How is she so slow?

Emily

I don't know! It’s like… so young but so old.

Kyle

Alright, what’s your next step?

Emily

Let’s see. I would have to use Elemental Blast maybe.

Kyle

Yeah, the Whaterwhip. I’m gonna say Whaterwhip is Heart. I’m gonna say Whaterwhip’s Signature Stat is Heart because it’s just a friend and that’s why it was hanging out here at Chuck Beavers’. Your Elemental Blast will give you something meant to defend or assist you.

[00:40:00]

Emily

So the ideal would be for it to drench Lucifer and the area around them to put out the fire, but I want to specifically aim for Lucie because I think it would be really funny.

Kyle

Okay, okay. Roll Heart with advantage.

Emily

Okay.

[Rolls.] I rolled a 9.

Kyle

You shoot it at Lucie. You’re like “ah-ha, water, yes,” but then you remember this is not regular fire and the water evaporates long before it hits the piercing green flames.

Emily

This doesn’t feel like a mixed success. This feels like a failure.

Kyle

But then something weird happens again.

[Music changes to threatening ambience.]

That shadowy magic wraps itself around the card and wraps itself around the flame, and the Lillerwhip disintegrates into nothing as the water completely douses the area around Lucifer and, more infuriatingly, douses their horns.

Emily (as If)

[Giggles and claps.]

Kyle (as Lucie)

Ha… Ha-ha, aha. Huh… [Laughter turns angry and fierce.]

Kyle

Earl’s like “uh, uh!” The flame around him swoops back and goes above Lucie’s head making a torrential fireball that then shoots out directly at you like a bolt of lightning. I’m actually gonna say Lucifer does an effect there.

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

You get shot back and…

Kyle (as If)

No, no, no. Don’t do what I think you’re doing. It would be just rude, monologuing—

Kyle

It shoots you back, knocks your shadow against the wall, and the little mask, the little wooden mask of Irene just plops to the ground.

Kyle (as If)

[Chuckles.] Yes. Well, luckily my navigator gave me an idea right before this. I’ll slip on the Rasputin mask…

Kyle (as “Rasputin”)

…and I’ll summon a great many horses with intense ferocity and, uh, let’s say we throw some magic into it as well, a little bit of magical Enhancement. Oh, actually… actually, I have 1 AP remaining, do I not? I will not use Magical Enhancement, but I will roll. Actually, I’ll use both Magical Enhancement and the 1 AP to roll with advantage.

Kyle (as If)

I will just roll 3d6 and I will take…

[Rolls.] Ooh-hoo, quite perfect, a 6 and a 3, that makes a 9 which turns into I believe a full success with my magic.

[Music changes to whimsical chase music.]

There’s a horse, there’s a horse, there’s a horse, and there’s a horse. Neigh

Kyle

Like a stampede, a bunch of horses start plowing through Chuck Beavers’ Emporium of Fun and Pizza, absolutely destroying everything. Everything in the wake is just getting absolutely obliterated. One of them charges straight at Lucie who turns to it, raises their hand and stops the horse in its tracks.

Kyle (as Lucie)

Well-well, little one, you seem to forget that all of nature is under my domain. You seriously thought a little horse would get in the way?

Kyle (as If)

Well, of its own volition, not quite, but to be frank, that horse was always a bit of a disappointment anyway.

Kyle

If, riding on the shadow of another horse, picks up the wooden mask and then reaches her arm out to grab the horse that Lucie had stopped, picks up its shadow, flips it over like tipping a cow, and it just falls on Lucifer as all of Chuck Beavers’ falls to the ground.

Emily (as If)

[Giggles.]

[Music ends in a dramatic flourish.]

Kyle (as Earl)

Irene? Kiddo? Are you alright?

Kyle

Earl stands up and is looking for his daughter while Aubrey is removing some of the rubble that got on both of them.

Emily (as If)

Of course, dad.

Emily

If says, having slapped the mask on, because you know, she’s a woman of her word.

Kyle

A single tear goes down Earl’s cheek as he hears his daughter call him dad.

Kyle (as Earl)

This was a pretty fun trip, but uh, you know, I think this was enough fun for one day. Huh? Besides, I think…

[00:45:00]

Kyle

And he looks at the wreckage of the family car which has just been… We’ll say Chuck Beavers’ head is just gnawing into the top of it.

Kyle (as Earl)

Besides, I think all the camping gear is, uh…

Emily (as If)

Oh darn.

Kyle (as Aubrey)

Yes, what a shame indeed.

Kyle

Aubrey gives you the “be nice” eyes.

Emily (as If)

Let me just say goodbye to my good friend.

Emily

I would like to just check around for Oset Scuba. He all good? He good?

Kyle (as Oset)

[Sobbing.] Let me be crushed. Then I could be in a human card like Sammy.

Kyle

Oset cries as a shadowy hand peels off the rubble that he was lying under before then returning into the shape of Irene’s hand.

[Sinister music begins.]

Emily

I would like to bend down slightly to look down upon this sad, sad man.

Kyle

I’d like to believe you’re standing on his chest. Alright, yeah, you’re looking him straight in the eyes. There’s something in those eyes that upsets him and catches his attention.

Emily (as If)

I know your day was hard, but I thought our time together, Mr. Scuba, was legendary. [Giggles.]

Kyle

As you leave, Oset sits up and he looks to the right where in the shadow reassembles the shadowy card, the one that notably seems to work despite not having a signature. And once again, Oset Scuba begins to scheme.

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look, Jake. It’s very, very nice you don’t want people you trust to go to a party or whatever, but wouldn’t you want the people that you trust to be on your side doing the…? You know, isn’t trust stronger than fear?

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

If there was any favor I could ask in this world, it would be that you leave this room and forget it ever existed. But, considering as there is no power in this world that can erase memories, and considering that you have a habit of getting on people’s radars and are almost certainly already on Lucie’s, all I will do instead is offer my aid.

Kyle

Flame goes up.

Hallie

[Quietly.] Business card?

Kyle

He hands it to Sparky, the flame which has a little card on it.

Hallie

[Quietly.] Is it his business card?

[Silly child-like music begins.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

This is my phone number.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

If you are ever in need of me, just simply call.

Kyle

And now once per session, Sparky, you can call Big Jake Hell and summon him as if you used an AP.

Hallie

[Squeaking in delight.] Once per session?!

Gonna call Big Jake Hell!

Kyle

He doesn’t need to physically appear, but you can at least call him to get some sort of help.

Ari

I want him to physically appear, just like, whoosh.

Kyle

He can do that too, but for example, when you were falling out of space, he wasn’t gonna physically appear. He used his flame magic.

Hallie

It’s like activating a Smash Ultimate move. I just summon Big Jake Hell. I have that ability now. I’m so excited. I got his number.

Kyle

You got his number.

Hallie

I wasn’t even trying.

Kyle

You didn’t even have to use Puppy-Dog Eyes.

Hallie

I didn’t even have to use Puppy-Dog Eyes. I just had to use the heart that was inside me all along.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle & Hallie

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay! Okay.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay… Thanks. [Clears her throat nervously.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Uh… no problem at all.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah. That’s, that’s… that’s okay. Okay.

Hallie

I’m putting it in my wallet.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Alright. So do you want any regular crepes? I can actually make things that aren’t crepes, unlike Philippe.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You can?!

Kyle

He says, desperately trying to get you out of the room and end this conversation.

Hallie

[Grinning.] He doesn’t want us in there anymore.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Yeah, you know, um…

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright.

Kyle

Unless you stop him, he will usher you all out.

Hallie

No, I want to eat some crepes, or things that aren’t crepes.

Ari (as Quique)

I want calcium cider.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, make that two.

Ari (as Quique)

And no more Dead Bull. I’m starting to get a little bit of a headache from whatever that thing was.

Hallie (as Sparky)

No, not that. They don’t need the Dead Bull.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Actually…

Kyle

He says, the door shutting behind him and his horns shwooping back up into tiny horns on his head.

[Happy ending music begins.]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

I actually know a very good remedy for Dead Bull.

Ari (as Quique)

Is it enchiladas? They say those are good for it.

[00:50:00]

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Exactly. But not enchiladas, end-chiladas.

Ari (as Quique)

Excellent.

Kyle

Big Jake Hell goes and he ushers you out and he desperately does not look at you while he cooks, but you can see as time goes on he seems to relax a little bit.

Hallie

Cute.

Kyle

You don't know about his past, but you know that, with the little you’ve seen him, making a meal for people in a restaurant that he owns… you’ve never seen him happier.

Emily

Irene has shifted over from being slumped over Woobloo to being slumped over the counter waiting for food.

Ari

Quique is just going to be very awkward at the whole second part of the Jake Hell reveal.

Kyle

Sweat is dripping down into your eyeballs. Eyeholes?

Ari

Into the eyeholes? The eyeholes. I’m glad that disturbed you, Emily. That seemed like a very disturbed face.

Hallie

Sparky just got Jake’s number, so she’s probably gonna be talking to him about his cooking skills while he’s making end-chiladas, and she’s going to try to keep things as lively and casual and fun as she can because she also knows that Quique is losing his fucking mind over there. As soon as they’re out, the only thing I wanted to do was pull Quique aside.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Alright, so we’re going to that party, right? I’m gonna order so many WherePods.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, totally, we are going to that party. That seems like the best next thing to do. I agree with having all of those WherePods. I would want even double for me.

Hallie (as Sparky)

We can get double for you. Yeah. I just wanted to make sure we’re going. We gotta, Quique, but you know… are you gonna be okay?

Ari (as Quique)

Sure. I mean, you know…

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, like…

Emily (as Irene)

I want WherePods this time.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Startled.] AH!

Kyle

I was almost gonna joke that Irene is just groggily standing next to you and neither of you have noticed.

Emily

Yeah. She’s just standing right between, slightly behind them, staring up with huge eyes, yawning a little bit.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, Irene, good, you’re here. That was my follow-up. Quique, I think we’re gonna have to, uh… Irene should come. We’re gonna bring extra WherePods also for Irene, because remember how I kinda figured everything out. She’s a siren, so we gotta have the WherePods, so we’ll just be careful because this is nothing like we haven’t done before. It’s fine. It’s fine, as long as you’re fine.

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you know… I guess I should take big risks. You know, high risk, maybe high reward kind of situation. So, it’s fine. Let’s just take especially good care of the kid here.

Emily (as Irene)

I am not a child.

Ari (as Quique)

Of the teen, the detect-teen, that is correct. I apologize, Miss Detecteen. Take good care of the detecteen here.

Hallie

Sparky who ironically is just getting more manic at the end of the night because so much has been dropped on her takes Quique by both shoulders and shakes him a little.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Quique?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah?

[Tender music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

All the kids will be fine.

Ari (as Quique)

All the kids?

Hallie (as Sparky)

All the kids will be fine.

Kyle

So Irene, you make your way back home. You sneak in. The house is quiet, it is empty, it is very, very late. Aubrey doesn’t make a sound when he sleeps. Your father, though, snores… he snores. Let’s be honest, Earl Hawthorne snores.

Emily

Oh yeah.

Hallie

Earl Hawthorne snores.

Kyle

You can hear the snores of Earl Hawthorne and it is pitch black, nothing but the sounds of your father’s snores to navigate your way back into your room. When you get to the door, you look back to see if that girl you saw was there, but she’s not there anymore.

[Music ends.]

Emily

That’s okay, I’ll figure it out… thanks to my new descriptor.

Hallie

Oh-ho-ho?

Emily

Irene will pull out her little flashlight reading light, snuggle up in bed and open her new library book:

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

How to Make a Heist Board.

Ari

Ooh.

Hallie

What? What?! What?!

Kyle

And Irene, you can add 1 point to your mystery tracker.

Hallie

Wait. Wait. Wait. What? No, what?!

Emily

[Chuckles.]

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

[00:55:00]

Hallie

What?! Wait, but I didn’t add anything to my mystery tracker!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

No! Now Emily’s gonna get all their mystery trackers first and then Irene’s gonna be better than Sparky again! No! This is an insult. This is an insult! You’ve taken my heist board from me?

Emily

So, Hallie, let me explain.

Hallie

What? Yeah! Yeah.

Emily

Let me explain. I took your descriptor but a crappy version.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

What?

Kyle

Irene Hawthorne has the new descriptor Jumps to Conclusions.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Ari

Jumps to Conclusions?

Kyle

When confronted with a mystery, you can immediately and publicly assume its answers. When you do, roll 2d6. Emily has to specifically claim that Emily has cracked the case and then will roll, and how right Emily is depends on their roll.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

Emily can do this for things outside of the mystery, too. The tracker is actually the advanced version of the descriptor, so Emily could do this for anything. At any point Emily can say “this is the answer.”

Hallie

Jesus Christ.

Emily

I’m tempted to at some point jump to the conclusion that Elliot is the changeling. Like, wow, he’s even worse than usual. Clearly it’s not him.

[Laughter.]

Ari

What a Nancy Drew descriptor this is.

Emily

It’s basically if your descriptor was chosen by somebody who didn’t know what they were doing and wasn’t very good at organizing.

Hallie

But that’s me!

Kyle

But the thing is, Sparky’s actually good at solving mysteries.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah! She is. Look, she’s taking on so much responsibility. She’s being held accountable for things. She’s getting through escape rooms. She’s comforting Quique. Then Irene comes in with “here’s my heist board.”

Kyle

Oh, Emily, if it’s alright, I think we should mention the other notable thing, because I think we’re gonna forget it otherwise. When Irene reads the book, she has the flashlight in one hand but what is she holding in the other to make the text bigger?

Emily

Her new signature item.

Ari

Oh~!

Emily

The magnifying glass.

Hallie

Yeah! Aww, it’s her signature? That’s so cute!

Ari

Oh, that’s so cute!

Kyle

So she gets the item from Quique and the descriptor from Sparky.

Ari

Oh, that’s so cute.

Hallie

That is so cute, though! Now I can’t be mad.

--

[A dog barks aggressively.]

Ari

Sorry.

Kyle

Jesus Christ, Éponine.

Hallie

Éponine! Holy shit.

Ari

Yeah, sorry about that. Where even is she? Okay, let me just open the—

Hallie

[Amused.] Where even is she?

Ari

One second.

Hallie

Jesus Christ.

Emily

Why is she so sad? Why is she so mad?

Hallie

She doesn’t sound sad, she sounds pissed.

Emily

Yeah, why is she mad?

Hallie

Why is she mad, Ari?

Ari

Alright, she’s out, she’s out of here.

Emily

Ari, why is she mad?

Ari

I don't know. She was asleep and now she’s not.

Hallie

[Laughing.] She was asleep and then she just wasn’t!

Kyle

What a fucking menace.

Ari

She’s like a barbarian. That’s how we have coined her class. She’s like all sweet and then suddenly RAGE and it’s like oh god.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

--

Kyle

Anyways. The way I’m gonna say it works is it flips around but he’s making it very clear that the most useful thing you could do is go to the party and figure out what the fuck she’s up to.

Hallie

Right. He’s hoisted his own petard. You don’t tell a PC “you cannot do this thing.”

Kyle

Under any circumstances.

Ari

It’s like in The Lion King. You must never go to that place.

Hallie

Exactly!

Ari

Scar being like that is so dangerous.

Hallie

Yeah, this is exactly that.

Kyle

But Big Jake Hell, what is that? “That is Xochi’s party, Sparky. We must never go there.”

Hallie

[Laughs.] You must never go there!

--

Emily (as Irene)

My corner friend left.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Her corner friend left.

Emily

She says, beginning to doze.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Your corner friend left? But… Well, I suppose there always were—

Kyle

And he kind of looks confused.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

No, there’s always been {“three”} of you. Never mind. Disregard that.

[Transcriber’s Note: The word “three” is under distortion.}

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look. Look.

Ari (as Quique)

Maybe you one time saw the big bird that sometimes comes doing detective things. I guess he usually is just with me and sometimes with this kid.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

That is absolutely true. The member of the party that you are missing is a bird.

Hallie

Tucán.

Kyle (as Big Jake Hell)

Just a big old bird. I remember that bird helped protect Irene Hawthorne in a lawsuit.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

That bird is a hero!

Kyle

[Laughs.]