49. Journey to the Afterworlds (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

[A clock steadily ticks.]

Kyle (as ???) 

Am I mistaken or was class to begin five minutes ago?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

It’s Orson, right?

Kyle (as ???)

Mr. Orson Welles, and don’t you forget it.

[An audience ‘laugh track’ plays.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m not sure why I knew you were Orson Welles, but I did. Why are you asking me—Why is Orson Welles asking me what time it is? Quique?! Irene?! Oh god, where’s…?

[Stammers.] Where is my car? I’m missing my friends, I’m missing my car. Orson, have you seen my friends or my car?

Kyle (as Orson) 

I get it. Last episode, I wasn’t able to get my driver’s license, now you’re rubbing it in! I feel awful.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

You’re a monster!

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Confused.] Last episode? What does that mean? You made one movie and it’s fine. What are you talking about episodes?

[A metal door creeks open and footsteps echo down the hall.]

Kyle (as Alina) 

Sparky, Sparky, Sparky! There’s a mystery afoot!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh my god, Alina’s here, but… you look different? Oh, that’s not a good sign. Alina, you look so young. What?

Kyle (as Alina) 

It’s not a good sign at all. The teachers are missing!

[The audience gasps dramatically.]

If I don’t get an A, I’m not gonna be able to go with my date to Clowntown Prom.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

That would be unfortunate, yes, but I am talking about bigger issues than the missing faculty. Although—

Kyle (as Alina) 

Bigger issues than the missing faculty?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Bigger issues than the missing faculty, yes.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Wait, Sparky. Did something go wrong with you and Lucas?

[The audience gasps.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

The answer isn’t no. Lucas has nothing to do with it, or at least he doesn’t have that much to do with it. Listen, so we’ve been friends—

Kyle (as Orson) 

Wait. Are you saying you’re available? Because, well… actually, should I say “Welles” actually, I know a pretty good guy who could fill that spot.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Flatly.] Who?

Kyle (as Orson) 

[Stammering.] Uh, it… um.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You’re not coming across, Orson. You gotta spit it out. You gotta spit it out.

Kyle (as Orson)

[Sheepish] You know, Pliny the Elder is pretty cool I guess.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Pliny the Elder? What kind of school is this? Is this my school? No, it’s fine. You know what? Okay, Alina?

Kyle (as Alina) 

Yes?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Alina.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Yes? You and Lucas. Tell me everything.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Actually, what if you tell me everything about the missing faculty, because I don’t have any other leads to what’s going on, so I may as well try to solve this mystery when I’m here because a faculty member is the most likely person to help me anyway.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Alright, I’ll help you out, but then we’re gonna solve the mystery: why you keep dodging my questions.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Sure.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Wait. Wait, hold your hair straight. Hold your hair straight. I gotta finish braiding it.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay… thank you.

[Quiet.] I did really miss this.

[The audience lets out an “aww” and starts applauding.]

Hallie

Previously on a very special Quest Friends!…

[Sad rock music begins.]

Kyle (as Alina) 

Then let me tell you all about my good friend Sparky Malarkey.

Kyle (as radio play narrator) 

Romance isn’t the only thing making these lovebirds’ hearts race. Will they escape van Gogh’s oily clutches? What clues will Elliot unearth? Where will Chazz and Alina’s investigation lead them? Captivating cryptids and capers await next time on The PICLE Pals!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I still haven’t gotten over Lucas Bang. Lucas Bang sucks. I hate him, he’s the worst, and I’m still not over him.

Kyle

And he looks at you, Sparky, kind of trying to muster some support.

Hallie

I don’t look at him.

Kyle (as Lucas) 

Excuse me?

Kyle (as Oset) 

Explain yourself—

Kyle (as Lucas) 

NO, YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Well, in my experience, when somebody finds themselves in a lot of fights, they tend to be the one picking them.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Or a victim. You know?

Kyle (as Lucas) 

No. You explain how you take anybody, any of these poor kids including myself and sign them into an unfair contract. You explain! You explain how I tried so many times… a teacher here, a veterinarian there. I tried to settle down every place, and every time ScubaCorp comes back for more and more and more. No, I… I wanted out.

Kyle

He looks at you, Sparky.

Kyle (as Lucas) 

I had reasons to get out.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Did Lucas ask you about getting together when, you know, he was gonna be back in town?

Kyle

Chazz laughs again and then his face grows serious.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Sparky, can I ask you a favor?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You’re gonna do it anyway.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

… Don’t break his heart again.

[Music changes to rock music and carries into the episode.]

[00:05:00]

[Sparky struggles with a door, fighting at it more and more aggressively. The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Ow! Ow… Ugh, it’s locked.

[The audience laughs.]

And the trusty shoulder didn’t work to open that door. So, maybe um…

Kyle (as Alina) 

Well you know, we could go ask someone for help.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Orson?

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Alina) 

Sparky…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Because I don't think he’s gonna be much help.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Sparky, the more you dodge my prompts, the more suspicious it gets, and it was already 5 out of 6 on the Alina Wøjcik Suspicious Scale.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

That is pretty high. I forgot about your scale. Um, isn’t there like a football team that isn’t Lucas Bang?

Kyle (as Alina) 

Well, there’s Aurelian, but he won’t stop talking about Sol Invictus.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Don’t we have…? Oh my gosh. Where’s the School-Aid Man? Is he around in this bizzarro world I found myself in. Where’s the School-Aid Man? He excels at breaking down doors and appearing places that he shouldn’t.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Well hey there, friendos. Committing crimes already? Well, I guess it is 5 o’clock somewhere.

[The crowd cheers and claps.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Chazz! Oh, you look so young to be making that joke.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

I’ll have you know I am a *fully grown adult.

{Transcriber’s Note: Chazz’s voice cracks on the word fully.}

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Mm-hmm. Ah, you look just like I remember you.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Still cracking there, Chazz?

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Not *at…

[Clears his throat. Speaks more deeply.] So what are we investigating?

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Well, it appears that the faculty has gone missing, all of them. Right? Is that right, Alina, or was there something you didn’t…?

Kyle (as Alina) 

Well, that’s what I heard. I mean, I did hear it from Professor Quack…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Professor? We’re in high school.

Kyle (as Alina) 

…and I guess he’s still around.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

There is one professor still around?

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Well yes, but uh, he’s a bit of a quack.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Is that why he’s called…? Yeah, okay. Is his last name actually Quack or does everyone just call him Professor Quack? Or is he a duck? I have no idea what’s happening.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Well Sparky, that makes two of us. You know, I’ll tell you a bit more about Professor Quack if you tell me about…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No. We don’t have time. We have to go see Professor Quack. Maybe Professor Quack has a key to this locked door. Chazz, can you break down this door, being an adult grown man?

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Why *thank you. You know, that kind of strong stuff isn’t really my suit, but I do know one guy who’s…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No, somebody else.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

…good at breaking doors and breaking—

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Were you about to say breaking hearts? Yeah, that’s… that’s, um, presumptuous!

Kyle (as Chazz) 

You’re right. You’re right. And it’s not like he could help with the door anyway. He couldn’t hurt a fly.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Sarcastic.] Mm-hmm. Yeah. That would be… hmm, impossible, for him to hurt or perhaps murder or do anything.

[Speaking quickly.] So you know what, he would be useless in any problem, actually, so let’s go find Professor Quack.

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Alina) 

Okay. So, Professor Quack is my professor, and Chazz is really good at speaking his language.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Speaking his language?

Kyle (as Alina) 

So we’re gonna go in, because he can get a bit testy, you know, and then we’ll meet up with you after. Alright?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What language does he speak?

Kyle (as Alina) 

And that is why Chazz is going in.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What? Alina, what are you talking about?

Kyle (as Alina) 

We’ll see you in a second, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Wait, my brain is coming undone. You have to redo my brain.

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Alina) 

Hi, Professor!

Kyle (as Professor Quack) 

[Quacking sounds.]

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Quack, quack-quack-quack, quack-quack-quack, quack!

[The door closes.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay…? Did I have a duck teacher? How much of this is my school and how much of this is ducks?

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Performing skacapella.] And the worlds ending. We’re stuck right in here in hell. The world’s over. Call the apocalypse now.

[Silly ambling music begins. Jam makes musical sound effects.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Frightened.] Ah!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam! I forgot about you.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah, you are, uh…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Sparky. Do you—

Kyle (as Jam) 

Whoa! I didn’t think there were angels in hell.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What does that… What does that mean? Oh my god. Oh. Oh! I’ve got, like… I didn’t even—Not once did it occur to me that I might look different even though my friends, who are my friends in the real world, and my age are not that anymore. I mean, they’re my friends, but they’re a different age. They’re like younger versions.

[Stammers.] I’m an angel? Why am I an angel? Jam, why am I an angel? I’ve got, like, wings. How did I not notice these wings walking through the hallways?

[00:10:00]

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Whoa. Are like… Are heaven and hell like the same place? Are they two-in-one?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay, it’s not… You can go under the bleachers later and get really philosophical about all this. But Jam, Jam…

[The audience laughs.]

Do you remember the van?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And the party?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And… the Xochi?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Alright, so then we’re definitely in hell.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. That settles it. At least we have the answer to one question. Where did you end up? I was in, like, the theater, auditorium.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Well, let’s see about that. Let me, um… Do you mind just giving me a beat to recount my story to?

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You want me to, like, snap?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Like, lay down a beat. A snap, or a… [Percussion beatboxing.]

Or you could do like a little trumpet. [Makes trumpet sounds.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Makes trumpet sounds without enthusiasm.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Bow-bicka-bow-wow~

[The audience laughs.]

Wow… Bow-bicka-bow-wow…

Wow… Wow, I can’t go anywhere after the bow-bicka-bow-wow.

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Well, just repeat it.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Bow-bicka-bow-wow~

[Sparky keeps repeating it with silly changes while Jam sings.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

So I started, in a classroom. So many eyes staring at me.

The tears poured down my eyeballs, and I let out a scream!

There was… a lot of old guys, and a teacher… who was a duck.

[The audience laughs.]

I know because Snake tried to eat him.

But he failed because we’re in the land of torment and failure!

Where nothing but pain exists.

[Jam stops singing and Sparky stops… her contribution.]

Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Okay. So you were in a room with a lot of teachers, and you cried, and your snake—

Kyle (as Jam) 

No, just one teacher.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Just one teacher.

Kyle (as Jam) 

A couple of historical figures, and then, um…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay, I’m confused. You said one teacher?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Some folks we don’t have to talk about. We don’t gotta talk about those folks.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And then a lot of teachers? No, we do have to talk about everybody who was in the room.

Kyle (as Jam) 

You know, we really don’t.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Did they look like faculty? Because the faculty are missing, and I think that’s our best lead to figuring out whether this is heaven or hell and how we get out of it.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Stammers.] G-Get out?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yeah, we have to get back to Xochi and the party. We gotta find Quique and Irene.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Laughs hardily.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And Juniper. Oh, I forgot about Juniper, too. Why are you laughing? What?

Kyle (as Jam) 

You are… Oh, now I know why you hung out with Ariel. You are a riot.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What? I mean, yes, but what?

Kyle (as Jam) 

No, we’re in bad vibe central, compadre. There is no getting out of here.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What do you mean there’s no getting out? Of course there’s getting out of bad vibe central. Do you know how many times I’ve gotten out of bad vibe central, Jam?

Kyle (as Jam) 

And yet—

Hallie (as Sparky) 

How old are you? Not old enough!

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

And yet… here you are.

[There is a collective “whoa” from the audience.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yeah, for now, and there will be plenty of times in the future I’ll be back in bad vibe central, because that’s what life is. Life is getting into bad vibe central and then figuring out a way to get out, and this may be…

[Stammers.] Ugh, we’re in the Afterworlds, aren’t we? This isn’t even life, this is the after. That’s why I’m an angel.

[Long exhale.] Jam.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Everything that I just said is still true. Just because this is bad vibe central and I am dead… that’s fine. That’s actually fine. Actually, you know what, that’s what I wanted today. I wanted to die. So this is fine, this works right into my plan. Tell me about the duck.

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Well, it was, um… Sorry. He was a duck.

[A small murmuring.]

Yeah, that’s right, Snake, a very tasty-looking duck. I think he was teaching…

[Breathy and distraught.] Oh god, it was poetry class.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

The duck was teaching poetry?

Kyle (as Jam) 

He was grading me in poetry class.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh, you were already being graded? Because nobody showed up to our class. You drew the short stick, buddy.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

It was just, you know, I didn’t really have time to get my… you know, my work doesn’t really work when it’s not lyrical.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Uh-huh. I bet he didn’t give you a beat.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Stammers.] It was gonna be, it was gonna be a—

Kyle (as Alina) 

Disaster! Sparky, there’s disaster going on!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What? What do you mean there’s disaster going on?

Kyle (as Alina) 

Professor Quack is missing!

[The audience gasps.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

How long? What have you been doing in there if Professor Quack isn’t there to talk to?

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Agh! Agh!

[Jam stumbles and falls into the lockers. The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam, this is Alina. Alina, this is Jam. Jam…

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Groans uncomfortably.]

[00:15:00]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

…is afraid of you, which is very funny because no one’s ever been afraid of Alina. What are you doing? Get up.

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Stammers.] Hey there, Peanut.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

They’re a funny little fella, aren’t they?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Oh, and Butter, you’re both here. C-Cool…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Peanut and Butter? Why are you calling my friends Peanut and Butter?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Wait, they’re—

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Chazz, Alina, why is…? What?

Kyle (as Alina) 

I don't know what on earth they’re talking about at all.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Y-Yeah… I hope you guys are doing really good with your, um, new band. You know, Peanut Butter and Bread, perfect combination.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Then who’s Bread? You called one Peanut and one Butter, and you’re Jam, so why can’t you jam with—? You have a band? This is all happening so fast. Ugh, I can’t keep up.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Stammers.] You know, we don’t have to meet—

Kyle (as Lucas) 

[Smooth and confident.] Oh hey there, Sparky.

[The excited crowd applauds and cheers.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Ugh. Are we dating, Lucas?

Kyle (as Lucas) 

Oh, um… I thought so after the kiss, and you know, the one before that, and the one before that, and…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Uh…

Kyle (as Jam) 

You’re dating Bread?!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

… No?

[The audience laughs.]

I am not dating Bread, but I hadn’t told him that yet. Bread, I’m sorry, we have to break up.

[There is a collective “boo” from the audience.]

Kyle (as Lucas) 

[Stammers emotionally.] Well, I mean…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m really sorry you had to find out this way, but there are bigger things going on. Do you know where the faculty are?

Kyle (as Lucas) 

[Stammers, emotional.] What did I do?

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

It’s not so much what you did as what you will do.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Hey, *hey, hey there big guy.

Kyle (as Lucas) 

Hey Chazz.

Kyle (as Chazz) 

Let’s, um… let’s go someplace else. Okay? I knew this was gonna happen someday.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Exhales.] You’re wise beyond your years, Chazz!

[The audience laughs.]

Chazz has always known, hasn’t he? I gotta check up on him when I’m back. Jam!

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. The Bread thing, I’m not dating Bread anymore. I still don’t know what Peanut and Butter have—

Kyle (as Jam) 

Peanut looks like she’s braiding your hair.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Peanut, yes. Thank you, Alina, I really needed that done because it was falling out.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Not at this time. I just need a good braid. Jam! When Professor Quack was critiquing your poetry, while you cried, could you understand him?

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Still distraught.] Um, technically no, emotionally yes.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Interesting. Okay… Okay. Alina, where do you think Professor Quack may have gone?

Kyle (as Alina) 

I’m much more concerned about where you’re gonna go.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m gonna go wherever you think Professor Quack has gone.

Kyle (as Alina) 

That was a pretty big thing that just happened and you’re acting like it’s nothing.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Because it is nothing. I’ve been through it, and now it’s happened, and now I’m here. But I want to be where Professor Quack is.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Sparky, I feel like I’ve said this before, but…

[Nostalgic rock music plays.]

This isn’t just gonna go away, and if you don’t talk about it, you’re not gonna know how to deal with it.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You all keep repeating things that you have said to me but in a different timeline, in a different place at a different time, and then, um…

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Wait. Peanut told you that your poetry sucked too?

[The audience laughs and applauds.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No, my poetry is great, Jam. Alina and Chazz and I are friends. We used to be friends in high school. This is that version of them. Alina, I’m sorry, you’re gonna have some trouble keeping up. So the people you know as Peanut and Butter, when you came in, did you just “know” them as Peanut and Butter? Did you have a preexisting relationship? Did you strike up a friendship immediately at some point while you were crying and reciting poetry?

Kyle (as Jam) 

I do think a good peanut butter and jelly sandwich is like poetry.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Why?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Because… it’s tasty?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You’re right. That one’s on me. That was very obvious.

[The audience laughs. Stinger plays, signaling a scene change.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay Alina, you promised me juice boxes. Where are the juice boxes?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Wait, so is this part of the mystery or…?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No, I just need a juice box while I think of the next move.

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as announcer) 

PICLE Pals will be back after these short messages.

[Peppy corporate music plays.]

Hallie (as peppy commercial voice) 

Love PICLE Pals but can’t stand to wait a week between episodes? Make your own fun with the PICLE Pals Customizable Adventure Set, now easier to collect than ever because it’s just one handy-dandy book.

Written by Tracy Barnett, the School Daze roleplaying system book allows you to be Sparky Malarkey…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Time to solve the mystery!

Hallie (as peppy commercial voice) 

…Alina Wøjcik…

Kyle (as Alina) 

Sparky Malarkey!

Hallie (as peppy commercial voice) 

…or even Orson Welles.

Kyle (as Orson) 

Paddington!

[00:20:00]

Hallie (as peppy commercial voice) 

…if you wanted to be him for some reason. The world is open to you as long as that world is high school. Call 1-800- go online to DriveThruRPG.com or just google it! It’s a long number and I won’t repeat it. Use your sleuthing skills to figure it out!

[Music changes to wrestling music.]

Kyle (as aggressive commercial voice) 

March! March! March!

This March on the Quest Friends! Discord, you choose who lives and who dies (even if they’re already dead)!

Thirty-two side characters will compete to claim the crown of your love. We’ve got the singing siren, Xochi, the master of balls, Yugi, and for the first time joining the fray, Death itself.

Enter the colosseum this March! March! March! March, on the Quest Friends! Discord.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Hi, I’m Hopper Scotch.

[Rustic guitar music plays.]

When I’m not solving math equations or saving cities or forgetting my cool arm blade, I like to sit back, relax by the campfire, and tell stories with my family.

[Music stops.]

[Hopper’s family and Ness screaming.]

Kyle (as Sera)

Oh god Chitters! Chitters’ got a gun!

[Gun shots]

Hallie (as Hopper) 

When they let me.

[Music returns.]

Yeah, it can be hard to tell stories with a crowd that wants to participate. That’s why we’re releasing a brand-new Flashback Future side series where each week our fans decide what happens next. In order to figure out what the series is about, we’re asking you to fill out a short survey between now and the end of March which you can find in the description.

Kyle (as Aggy) 

Dad! Cory got me in a multilevel marketing scheme again.

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Ugh. Cory, I told you to stop that! One more and you’re grounded.

Kyle (as Cory) 

You can’t ground me if you can’t catch me. I’m at the top of the pyramid!

Hallie (as Hopper) 

Actually, I can. No, it’s not a real pyramid.

Kyle (as Cory) 

I’m at the top!

Hallie (as Hopper) 

A real pyramid requires mathematical buildings. You know, it’s a fake pyramid because there’s still… ugh. Sera? Sera! I gotta get the math book out again.

Kyle (as Sera) 

But I’m finishing the pyramid for Cory!

Hallie (as Hopper) 

[Exasperated.] What do you mean you’re finishing the pyramid for Cory?!

[Music swells and carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie (as happy interstitial voice) 

And now, back for more fun with the PICLE Pals!

[Interstitial stinger reminiscent of 90s children’s television bumpers.]

Kyle (as Aurelian) 

Blue, 42, Sol Invictus, praise be, hike!

Kyle (as Jam) 

Wow, I um… so this is like sockball but with your hands?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Mm-hmm, and the ball is shaped more like a square. Very difficult to catch.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Oh, I get it, so it’s like a foot squared… like it’s a foot by—

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yes, that is where… even though there’s no ball in the game, because it’s a square, that’s where the foot comes from.

[The audience laughs.]

You mean they don’t have this at your school anymore?

Kyle (as Jam) 

I really wouldn’t know.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Because you don’t follow the sports, I’m guessing?

Kyle (as Jam) 

I guess that’s a way to put it, yeah.

Kyle (as Alina) 

[Quietly.] He, uh… He keeps looking at me. Do you think I need to tell him I’m taken, or…?

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam keeps looking at you?

Kyle (as Alina) 

Yeah, I keep getting these weird looks.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’ll do something about it.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Alright. Alright. You also need to do something about your washing routine. There’s quite a bit of lint all over the place. I’ve got a roller.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay.

Kyle (as Alina) 

So, I’m taking care of it, but you just gotta… It’s also a little wet.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Like, my clothes are wet? Am I wet? I’m sorry, this whole angel thing is really new to me.

Kyle (as Alina) 

Sparky, you’ve always been an angel in my heart.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Thank you, Alina. I forgot how nice you are, and I’m sorry for any pushing away future me might do.

[Under distortion.] ł ₥Ɇ₳₦, ₮Ⱨ₳₮ ł ₦ɆVɆⱤ ĐłĐ.

That I never did… Yeah, so thank you! Okay. Actually, while I talk to Jam about it, would you mind asking a football player if they would come help us break down the teachers’ lounge door?

[The audience laughs.]

Just tell them it’s really good practice.

Kyle (as Alina) 

For you, Sparky? Anything.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Thanks. My braids look really good, by the way.

[Crunching walking sounds.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

So, uh, that was a pretty gnarly breakup.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Ah, yes. It was efficient, one of my more efficient breakups. I think it’s easy because he’s a teenager, you know, and I’m… not. Unless, I might look like one underneath the angel, I don't know.

Kyle (as Jam) 

I’m gonna be honest, it’s kind of hard to see you with…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Because I’m an angel.

Kyle (as Jam) 

…all of the bright shining light. I’ve just kind of assumed that you’re you because you said that you’re you.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

But I’ve got my, you know, regular brain. I haven’t been transported back into my teenage brain. I have all my memories. So, I guess it was like I’ve already done it, it’s not that hard. Maybe if I just did it really quickly now, like ripping off a band-aid, maybe it won’t be so hard in the future if some vestige of Sparky stays behind.

[00:25:00]

She won’t have to go through the whole “oh, Lucas Bang’s a murderer, oh wow, he’s kind of a douche” thing that I went through, and then she won’t have to wonder why she’s still so broken up about it. Because she shouldn’t be. You know?

It doesn’t make much sense to be broken up by cutting it off with someone who you know is terrible and who you hadn’t even had contact with before he came rolling back to town with his Necrocards and his ‘Bang! Bang!’ You know? It’s not even like he was a fundamental part of my life leading up. We had only just reconnected. I guess he did remind me of all the good days, like here, the good days that were here in high school but in the high school without the Professor Quack and the me being an angel part of it. The high school that was only metaphorical hell and wasn’t literally in hell. But it wasn’t actually hell because I was—

Kyle (as Jam) 

The band-aid thing is what Peanut said.

[Sad ambient rock music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

To you or to me?

Kyle (as Jam) 

I don’t do super well at school stuff. At Skulliard, they uh… I just kinda showed up, and I thought, you know, maybe if I jam hard enough they’ll let me in. I had a band, though. I had some friends. You don’t just have jam, you know?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You have the peanut butter and the bread. Nobody eats just jam.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah. Maybe it worked out for them, but… you can’t rip a band-aid off of an open wound. Even when it heals, you know, if you act like the scar isn’t there, it’s gonna make it easier to open up again. I mean, those were the lyrics that I wrote. That was gonna be my audition song, but Ska Patrol was catchier, so I went with that.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh…

Kyle (as Jam) 

It always happens again. You know? You have a group, you have a thing, and then it’s gone, and you try to find another thing to replace that thing, and it’s gone again, and it’s just you.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Thoughtful.] And it’s just you…

[Music ends.]

You know, Jam, I can’t believe that we didn’t even need the weed to go under the bleachers to say something profound.

[The audience laughs.]

I mean it. I do remember all my contacts. I could get us some if we wanted.

You don’t seem to need that much help to say things that are really smart. I’m surprised the duck critiqued your poetry. It must have been really good if the song lyrics are anything to go by.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

In that case, I mean, I did have an idea to open the door. I just didn’t say anything.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh. Why? Why not?

Kyle (as Jam) 

I thought it might be dumb, but you know, that’s…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

There are no dumb suggestions. You know the phrase there are no dumb questions?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

It’s the same thing for suggestions. Sometimes you just need to get the ball rolling with anything.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay… Okay. Okay! Yeah!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yeah. Yeah-yeah.

Kyle (as Jam) 

In that case, the first thing we gotta do, we gotta go to the cafeteria.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Again?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah.

[Stinger plays, signaling a scene change.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay, we’re here.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Macaroni! Cheese! More cheese! Ketchup, mayo, mustard! I call it the Mac Attack!

[The audience laughs.]

[Slurps.] Alright! Let’s keep going!

[Stinger plays, signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay, so there was one pretty gnarly dude I heard about in school. They always teach that you gotta go the most efficient way, you can’t have lyrics that are 30 pages long, nobody’s gonna listen to that song, all that stuff.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Uh-huh?

Kyle (as Jam) 

But there was this one dude, a really, really cool dude, his name was Rube Goldberg. I don't know if you ever heard of him.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Rube Goldberg…? Yeah, strikes a bell.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Chuckles.] Yeah, exactly!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Smiling.] Yeah, I did that on purpose!

[The audience laughs.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

So, we…

[Music plays, developing with Jam’s descriptions.]

Thud, thud, thud. We start with the drum kick. It moves to the cymbal.

Which then hits a bell.

Which slides down… to the trumpets!

They blast so loud they pop a balloon.

The balloon makes water wash down.

We boil that water really good until it gets to the woodwind section.

[00:30:00]

The woodwinds rise, the trumpets rise, and the greatest instrument of all time goes to play.

It’s the cannonball! The cannonball! The cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon, cannon, cannonball!

[The song ends and the audience applauds loudly.]

So one of those 12 cannonballs should have worked.

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam, you’re a genius.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Well, I mean—

Hallie (as Sparky) 

That was the best song I’ve ever heard. You should keep writing for skacapella if that’s what you like, but also you should just keep doing what you’re doing because you can and the quacks can’t silence you.

[The audience cheers.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

The quacks can’t… You know what?

[A small murmuring.]

You’re right, Snake. I’m gonna put you in the special thanks of my first ever EP.

[There is a collective “aww” from the audience.]

Right under Quack-tastrophe, it’s gonna say “thank you to that one lady I met at the party.”

[The audience laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’ll take it. Okay, okay, let’s see. Let’s just get past… These were really efficient cannonballs. I know music teaches you to be efficient and not do the 30 pages or whatever. I think that 12 was the perfect number of cannonballs.

[The audience laughs.]

Okay. Okay. Um… there’s no one in here, which I guess I expected.

[An eerie hum begins, muffling the audience’s laughter.]

Let’s see…

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Uneasy.] That’s a lot of gold.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Where? There’s gold? What, where?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Over there.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Ugh, the duck is a Necromon. Why didn’t I see that coming? The duck is a Necromon. Are all the teachers here Necromon? Jam, do you know? Were they all Necromon?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah, they were.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Because there are so many feathers, and fur, and things that go on Necromon very often stuck in these golden pipes that are thrumming over here that you found. So, I can only conclude that there were animals here, and you know, Necromon, they are part of the Afterworlds which is apparently where we are, and we… ugh, they were Necromon.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Chuckles.] Yeah! Oh yeah! You were right. You were right. We are not in hell. There’s no way there would be Necromon in hell, and yet they were all over the place. And now they’re, um… they do look really sad in there. Oh, that one’s gone, and oh, that one too.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Such a strange contraption. Not nearly as efficient as 12 cannonballs. Let’s try to break them out.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah! Yeah. Um…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Um, okay, do you have… Is there—

Kyle (as Jam) 

Here’s a guitar!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yes! Perfect. Thank you.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Or do you want a bass?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Uh… I will take the guitar.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay. I’ll take the…

[Strained.] I’ll take the bass.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Perfect. Okay, just like my SmackBook Pro…

[Sparky strikes the contraption.]

[Dragged out, in pain.] Agh…!

You’d think being an angel would give you some kind of upper arm strength, but ow. Why isn’t my shoulder healed? I should have healing as an angel. That’s just a thing that I should have. Oh god, I wish Quique was here. He could probably do something about this gold.

Tom (as Hilda) 

I’m sorry, Boss. We probably could have gotten in.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Did you hear that, Jam? It was like a voice from like a girl… I don't know, I think it was a girl.

Kyle (as Jam) 

That wasn’t you?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No.

Kyle (as Jam) 

I don't know what angels can do.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Fair enough. Not heal, apparently.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay. I’m not that good at throwing my voice yet, so…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And that wasn’t you? You’re not like secretly really good at throwing your voice, are you?

Kyle (as Jam) 

No. Uh… Snake?

[A small murmuring.]

Snake said it was over there!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Um… god, it sounds familiar. It’s so weird. It gives me this parental urging that I haven’t felt since ten minutes ago with you on the bleachers.

Tom (as Hilda) 

What’s the scoop so far? Where do we need today?

Kyle

And for the first time, as you get deeper into this humming, pulsating, parasitic machinery, you don’t hear the laughter, you just hear the echoey sounds of a girl’s voice coming from some deep part where all the tubes converge… down, down, down.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

How far down do these go? Jam, are you seeing this?

Kyle

Jam is gonna look over and say:

Kyle (as Jam) 

Huh. I can’t see much, but…

Kyle

They’re gonna grab a shard of the bass and just drop it and put their ear down and wait.

Hallie

Great.

[There is a plunk into water.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

It sounds like water?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Interesting.

Hallie

Kyle.

Kyle

Yeah?

Hallie

Remember how I said I had wings?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I wanna use them.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay. How do you wanna use your wings?

Hallie

I wanna fly. I wanna go down there but safely. Like, I can just fly instead of climbing, because I have wings.

[00:35:00]

Kyle

Okay. Sparky, Jam talked a lot about treating scars, right?

[The eerie humming ends.]

Hallie

Mm-hmm?

Kyle

You have a feeling that, if you go down this hole, if you follow these golden tubes and that mysterious voice, you may reopen a scar you didn’t even know you had.

[Edgy calming rock music plays.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Well…

Hallie

And she looks at Jam.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

…it’s better than pretending it never existed.

[Music swells and carries to the outtakes.]

Kyle

Ba-da-bum. Alright, and that’s how we’re gonna end it. That was a good ending point. Huzzah!

Hallie

Huzzah!

Kyle

We have one more thing we have to do, though. We have to do an ad.

Hallie

An ad?

Kyle

So we’re gonna do the announcement break, and we’re gonna do it for School Daze which is a roleplaying game by Tracy Barnett.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle (as Student 1) 

Oh man, school is so boring. I wish there was a way to make it fun.

Hallie (as Student 2) 

I know, but it seems impossible.

Kyle (as Don) 

Well hey kids! It’s me, Dazey Don, here to take you… on a School Daze!

Kyle & Hallie (as Student 1 & Student 2) 

Dazey Don?!

Kyle (as Student 1) 

Yeah, that one! That was the line I was gonna say. Are you like a daisy…?

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Or are you like dazey, like you’re in a daze and you’re not quite out of it yet?

Kyle (as Don) 

Kids, I’m too high to tell.

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Wow!

Kyle (as Don) 

Away we go!

Hallie (as Student 2) 

How do I get high, Dazey Dave?

Kyle (as Dave) 

Come with me~!

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Where are we going?

Kyle (as Dave) 

We’re going to School… Daze!

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Days like many days or daze like, uh… like what I just said before, like the daze, like you’re in a daze?

Kyle (as Student 1) 

Wait, I know this one! It’s School Daze! It’s a game about exploring silly school shenanigans, and you don’t even need to get high to enjoy it.

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Wow! Really? We can just use our own imaginations because it’s that fun to do it with?

Kyle (as Dave) 

That’s right, kids! And it’s so affordable, you don’t even need to give me your parent’s credit card, although I won’t complain. Ha-ha, wink! You just need $15 and to click the link below.

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Wow~! I have that!

Kyle (as Student 1) 

So do I! Take me home, Dazey Dave. I want you to drop me off so that I can go home and play this game.

Hallie (as Student 2) 

And I want you to drop me off at his house so I can play with him.

Kyle (as Dave) 

Uh, alright, okay. Yeah, we can do that, like, pretty—

Kyle (as Student 1) 

No, right now! No waiting. I wanna play now.

Hallie (as Student 2) 

Right now!

Kyle (as Student 1) 

Drop us now.

Kyle & Hallie (as Student 1 & Student 2) 

Drop us now! Drop us now! [Screams.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] I don't know how to end that.

Hallie

This was not a good ad that we have created out of thin air.

Kyle

No, this was a terrible ad. We can make… We’ll script something.

Hallie

We’ll script something. I didn’t know how to…

Kyle

Alright. Anything else you want to add before I close?

Hallie

No, I just… that was a really bad ad. [Laughs.]

Kyle

We’ll script something.

--

Hallie (as Sparky) 

When did you form this band? Is this important? It seems like you have a much stronger backstory dropped in this. You’re already a recurring character, and I’m a recurring character, but I’m also not. It’s like my consciousness from the future has been transported into the me of the past through some kind of weird timey-wimey email. I don’t understand it.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Fuck you.

Hallie

I hope listeners get it. I’m really funny.

--

Kyle

Thud, thud, thud. Ah fuck, I’m writing another song! Alright.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] High school musical, baby!

--

Kyle (as Jam) 

The tubes.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

The tubes?

Kyle (as Jam) 

The tubes. Wait, let me… Okay. One more time. One more time.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay. Three, two…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Seething sounds, grunts in pain.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Did you get that, Snake?

[A small murmuring.]

Perfect! That is the perfect sound for our next song.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m really glad you found that.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

--

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I don't know much about you.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Uh-huh?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You just kinda showed up, but you did a good job tonight, and you are kind of holding it together here in hell.

[00:40:00]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah, okay, yeah, okay. That’s something we can agree on. Yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

So, okay, good job.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay, well no, the hell part is what we can agree on.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

For argument’s sake, let’s say we agreed with everything I said and not just the hell part.

Kyle (as Jam) 

I don't know if I can do that, but like, wait, let me—

[Singing.] Living in denial. You’re gonna put, positive thoughts in your head.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Uses various forms of “bow-chicka-bow-wow” to provide another beat.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

Affirmation, you are cool and successful, and people like you.

Okay, yeah-yeah-yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Was it helpful?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Yeah, I’m there. Okay! Yeah, yeah, oh yeah.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Great! Great. Good.