51. Journey to the Afterworlds (Part 4)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Tom

Previously on Quest Friends!…

[Intro music plays, ‘Liquid Nights and Disco Lights’ by Miracle of Sound.]

Kyle (as Fistivos) 

You hear the bright voice of Marisol coming from a doll on the top shelf that bears a perfect resemblance.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Singing.] And the world’s ending! We’re stuck right in here in hell. The world’s over!

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Oh-ho!

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh… Oh Jesus, no!

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Consider that a pick-me-up. Thank you there, primo!

Kyle (as Fistivos) 

You realize that his skull has been entangled with your neck.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Ugh, we’re in the Afterworlds, aren’t we? This isn’t even life. This is the after. That’s why I’m an angel.

Kyle (as Mossie) 

Sawm!

Kyle

The yelling of the third moss ball stuck behind golden glass in the stomach of the statue.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

Stolas! … Time for dessert.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

Quique! A couple of things have happened since we last saw you. Xochi took the script and quickly just fucked off, leaving all of you trapped in this haunted house. I will say, if you want to talk to Fistivos, he’ll talk to you, but he has been replaced by me because I need to speak in my voice and not the cutesy voice that I did in the past three sessions for reasons that will become obvious in a couple of minutes.

Ari

So like, Xochi is gone. Is the house open or is Quique still kinda just inside it?

Kyle

You wanna check the front door?

Ari

Yeah. Maybe before that, if he can find more of his kids trapped in dolls or other things, he can like…

Hallie

Gotta find more of them kids.

Ari

…put them in different compartments in his, uh…

Hallie

Trapped in dolls. Normal sentence.

Kyle

[Musically.] Gotta catch ‘em all! Quique’s kids!

Hallie

Ha!

[Whimsical ghostly waltz begins.]

Kyle

We’re still following Dread rules. Essentially, every time you roll the number goes up. I’m actually gonna modify this, and again it will make sense later. Every time there is a roll, your number goes up.

Ari

Oh no! Mine specifically? Oh no.

Kyle

So you’re at 1 out of 20. Basically, if you roll a 1, something bad happens. I’m gonna let you roll. Whatever number you get is gonna be how many kids you collect.

Ari

Oh. Ooh! Alright. Come on, roll big.

[Rolls.] No wait! This was about to fall. That doesn’t count. Hang on.

[Grunts. Rolls.] Sixteen.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Sixteen children.

Kyle

So now you have… let’s see, 16 children, plus Marisol, plus Yunuen, plus Ariel, so that is 19 children.

Emily

Nineteen kids and counting!

Ari

It is fine. Quique will try to get them back to their real forms…

Hallie

Cheaper by the dozen, whomst?

Ari

…so they can be happy and free at a later point when he has them with him.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So we know one of the children was trapped in a doll.

[Child-like waltz begins.]

I want to do a Paint the Scene. I want everyone to go around and describe another form the children were trapped in. I’ll start. One of them was a shadow in the ball room. As you walk into it, Lionel’s gonna be like:

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Oh-ho, wanna dance, Quique? Let’s start dancing.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh my god.

Kyle

And unwillingly takes the body towards the middle of the floor and he does terribly. You fall over, body parts spill everywhere—not the skull, unfortunately—and you bump into one of the shadows which just swoops into Lionel’s head and is now floating around his little empty eye sockets.

Ari (as Quique) 

I guess you did something useful for once. If you could please just refrain from acknowledging your existence next to mine and just make me pretend that you’re not right next to me, I would appreciate it.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Ah-ha! Quique, you are such a gas.

Kyle

He says that, taking the right hand, because he’s on the right side of the head, and just booping your little nose hole with your own right hand.

Hallie

What a romantic thing to do.

Ari (as Quique) 

This is a true nightmare. This is the true horror of this haunted house.

Kyle

Ariel, who’s been trying not to pay attention… Ariel and Yunuen both laugh at that.

Ari

Without thinking, Quique might be like:

Ari (as Quique) 

Hey, that’s not funny, that’s uh… Actually, was that you? Was that both of you?

Kyle

As soon as they’re addressed, Ariel puts their head up, turns it to the side, and in an act of defiance tries to put on the fake smile again before leaving the room.

Ari (as Quique) 

I noticed that. I noticed that! Nothing can escape me.

Kyle

As you say nothing can escape you, you notice that Yunuen has gone missing.

Ari

No!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright. Where do you find Yunuen and how do you recover a child from there?

Hallie

I think it would be fun if there was a child in a mirror.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

And Yunuen reached through the mirror and pulled the child out.

Ari

I like that.

Kyle

Yeah. Quique, you burst through the door to one of the bathrooms and there’s just this creepy, like…

Kyle (as ???) 

Free me…!

Kyle

…dripping ghostly hand reaching out to Yunuen. Yunuen just grabs it in a hug and pulls her out.

Hallie

Yeah, like any reasonable person.

Kyle

And the voice goes:

Kyle (as ???) 

You freed me…

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, Majel! Majelito!

Hallie

Majelito!

Kyle

Alright. Where are we going next on this journey?

Ari

One of the rooms should have paintings, and one tiny picture should be one of the kids.

Kyle

I love that.

Ari

So Quique can put it on his pocket watch. I think he still has the pocket watch. Right?

Kyle

Yeah. It’s not your Signature Item, but you still have it.

Ari

Yeah. He can put it on his pocket watch.

Kyle

It’s one of those creepy Victorian dead child portraits, and it turns monstrous as you approach it, but when you pick it up it just turns into a cute little crayon drawing that a kid made of themselves.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

That’s really cute.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, that’s [Kyle’s unsure]! Oh, [Kyle’s unsure], this is your painting. You made this. I remember, you were four when you made this. You’re here! Come here.

Ari

And he’ll put it on the watch.

Kyle

Yunuen, at hearing ‘painting,’ lifts up a little drawing she’s made, and the little stick figure face in the painting smiles upon seeing it.

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

As you leave the room, Ariel, making sure you can’t see them, gives Yunuen a thumbs up on her good work.

Ari

They’re being such a little rebel.

Kyle

Alright, Emily. Again, we have 16 children, so this isn’t the last one, but of the ones we will see, how do we recover the final child?

Emily

There’s an iron candelabra with little waving flickery hands. It’s like Lumiere.

Ari

Oh! A little Lumiere.

Ari (as Quique) 

Luz! That’s you!

Kyle

Ariel is the one who spots this child. They pick it up, look at the candelabra inquisitively, and the fake smile they’ve been putting on wavers a second. Actually, it turns into a full frown outside of Quique’s view, plasters right back on as soon as he’s within shot, and they’ll hand the candelabra to Quique technically but they’ll be like:

Kyle (as Ariel) 

Uh… here, Tio Lionel, specifically.

[Chuckling.]

Ari

Quique will actually smile at that, like “ah, I see, I see what you’re doing.”

[Music ends.]

This is more like them now. He’s happy about it.

Kyle

So you are… You do not…

[Laughs.] This is a bad way to say it. You do not want for children.

Hallie

You do not want.

Kyle

We’ll say, Quique raised a lot of kids, but I think it is fair to say that 16 in addition to Xochi… that’s probably enough.

Ari

So I saved all of my kids?

Kyle

You have saved all of—

Ari

Like, kids that Quique considers family. You know? Irene is getting close to that point. Quique would eventually consider Irene that, too. They’re not necessarily all his direct children.

Kyle

You have recovered… No, you’ve got… It just feels like one of them is missing. You can’t put a name to it.

Ari

Ah, I know. I see what you’re saying. It’s Juniper.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

But then you hear a familiar voice echoing from the foyer of the hotel.

Tom (as Hilda) 

I would be happy to be an apprenticed, alchemist, chemist… -ist person.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, I think there’s one more. Let’s go over here. Well actually, I don’t even know—

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Let’s go!

[Jazzy chase music begins.]

Ari (as Quique) 

No! Wait! I’m the one in charge of this. You’re only the spare head over here. Stop moving.

Kyle

Lionel was going the wrong direction before you redirect the body.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ugh, get your own body.

Kyle

You follow the voice and eventually you see, by the open door, a Fennecho.

Ari

A Fennecho!

Kyle

Which rattles its tail and the girl’s voice emanates from it:

Tom (as Hilda) 

Mr. Quique, help!

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Oh! Oh! I got it! The child is trapped in that thing! Let’s go get it, Quique!

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, catch that thing! I—

Kyle

Lionel will charge after the Fennecho.

Ari

Oh! Wait. Are the ones that aren’t in our pockets… are the others following?

Ari (as Quique) 

Ariel? Yuna? I guess we’re moving. I guess this guy isn’t stopping.

Kyle

You can either roll to catch the Fennecho or you can just automatically fail.

Ari

I want to roll to catch the Fennecho.

Hallie

Always roll.

Ari

Always roll when in doubt.

Hallie

You can either fail or you’ll have a chance. Which one do you want?

Kyle

Well, fail means it’s not a massive bad thing, she just doesn’t do it.

Hallie

Okay, fair enough.

Ari

[Rolls.] I got a 17.

Kyle

Alright. You lunge. Lionel is not going to catch this Fennecho, but how do you wrest control of your body back?

Ari

I think just the pure anger of Lionel being, like…

Kyle

Powered by spite?

Ari

Powered by spite. Just like, ugh, you know, picturing him about to punch Lionel and using that energy to lunge at the Fennecho.

Kyle

You race at this thing which, as you get closer, the familiar voice turns into as many threatening things as this thing can echo through its rattlesnake tail. So like, growling, hissing, an actual rattlesnake sound.

Ari (as Quique) 

Listen. We’re not going to hurt you. You just made a sound of a kid, and I just want to know where you saw that kid.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

[Shouting.] Let’s get it, Quique!

Ari (as Quique) 

No.

Kyle

[Thudding sounds.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Ugh, not again.

Kyle

You entangle yourself with this thing which continues making the threatening sounds. I’m gonna say it ends up on top of you, staring down at you.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Listen. We don’t want any, uh… misunderstandings here. You just made a noise of a kid. I’m looking for a kid and I think you might have heard it or something that made you get that voice of hers.

Kyle

As you speak, the Fennecho’s ears turn towards you. It stares… and then perks up straight in a lot friendlier of a pose, and the tail behind it pipes up and shakes again. You hear a familiar voice say:

[Whimsical ghostly music begins.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Now, if by chance you happen to find Yeyo, you’ll be able to recognize him from the fact that he feels the need to negotiate with anything. The man could face a wave and think he could talk it down.

Ari (as Quique) 

You know, that was not the voice I was expecting to come out, or that phrase… I’m not gonna say that’s wrong, but also… I guess now I’m looking for two people that you have encountered. If they’re together, that would be best, but if not, I would like to know where.

Kyle

The Fennecho jumps off, rattles its tail, and does a friendly dog ‘bark-bark’ before running off down what you can now see is a road made out of water.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Interesting. Well, I’m assuming that you don’t have any swimming skills, Lionel, anything useful for once.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Lionel) 

I’ll have you know, Quique, that I can hold my breath underwater.

Ari (as Quique) 

We don’t need to hold our breath underwater. We are both skeletons. You know? There’s even cinematic scenes of skeletons walking underwater without any—

Kyle (as Lionel) 

I don't know what you’re talking about, primo!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

He says, trying to walk away from you, but because of that he is just walking with you down the river.

Ari (as Quique) 

Wait!

Kyle

When Lionel steps forward, looking at how thin this water is, you think that you’re just gonna fall straight through, but the first solid step… it isn’t like he’s walking on water, but it feels like you’re walking on a solid surface with just an inch of water on top of it.

Ari

Okay. Okay. Alright. He’s gonna motion towards Ariel and Yuna.

Ari (as Quique) 

This is how we go back. This is the place to keep going.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle (as Jam) 

And a quack-quack, or… Hmm. I could do like “quack-quack,” or I could go [Quack-quack.]

I could make the sounds.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You know, I like the sound, I think.

Kyle (as Jam) 

You like the sound? The [Several quacks.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yeah, I like the sound. I think that’s really unique. I think that will add a lot to the music. Yeah, you got it!

Kyle

Jam’s voice is so loud it should be blasting out your eardrums, but your ears are fine. Shoulder? Still recovering a bit.

Hallie

Healing powers are lame.

Kyle

As the two of you are walking on a road very similar to the one I just described for Quique. For quite a considerable while now, you have been walking in what feels like a dense lightish blue-gray fog.

Hallie

No changes have been happening as we walk? Does it seem like we’re walking in the same, like… in circles?

Kyle

I think it depends on how impatient Sparky is. There are no clear distinguishing features, so it does in some ways feel almost like an abyss.

Hallie

Sparky’s gonna call out something to see how loud it echoes. She doesn’t know how she’s going to measure what space that she is in, but she’ll go like:

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Hello? Hey?

Kyle

Instead of echoing, it feels like your voice is just sucked in, like there’s nothing around you to echo.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Well, I didn’t expect that. I’m not sure what that means. Jam, you don’t see any landmarks or anything, do you?

Kyle (as Jam) 

[More quacking.]

Kyle

Jam doesn’t hear at first, but they’ll register it, as you’ve had to do multiple times, as you grab him and pull him back.

Hallie

Like the scruff of his neck or something?

Kyle

Yeah, because they’ve been just singing to themselves and almost fallen off the path again.

[Silly ghostly music begins.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam, focus. Focus!

Kyle (as Jam) 

What? Oh, right. On the, uh… um, the not hell, right?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yeah, on the not hell. I want you to write your quack song, I really do, but you can’t until we’re out of the not hell. So, can you be here for like just a couple of minutes?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay, okay. Yeah, I can be here. Where is… here?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I don't know. But you don’t see anything, do you? I’m not just missing something? Maybe angel eyes are bad, I don't know.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Okay. I see, um… Let’s see. I see a saxophone and a microphone, and that one looks like the face of my father.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay… What—

Kyle

You notice Jam is making images out of the little clouds in the fog.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. These are really good, and I’m really proud of you, but they don’t… help. I guess we just keep moving forward.

Hallie

So, Sparky jumped in here and she had that feeling that she was just gonna get hurt again. Right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Sparky’s trying to pick up on that feeling again, you know, the instinctual feeling she gets on this road.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. Hmm. So, the mechanics for School Daze, which is what we played for your session even though it was basically edited out, are you roll a 1d6. If it’s a 5+, you narrate what happens. If it’s a 4 or less, I narrate what happens. Then, there are other things to give you benefits. So, just roll me a flat 1d6.

Hallie

Okay. Badabing, badaboom!

[Rolls.] I got a 4.

Kyle

Alright. You don’t feel the hurt, but something feels wrong.

[Evil ambient music begins.]

Something in the crux of your soul feels unnatural. It feels like something is almost pulling away at your life. As you look around, you can see what you hadn’t noticed previously, some of those golden pipes heading off in a certain direction from the river path.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. The pipes… Remind me. They’re like warp pipes?

Kyle

No, they’re just tubes.

Hallie

They’re just tubes?! But there were like Necromon in the tubes back in the classroom. Right?

Kyle

They’re just tubes. Yeah, but they’re not like warp pipe size.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Okay! I wanted to jump in one. Okay, never mind.

Kyle

Okay. You know what? I’ll let you.

Hallie

Yay!

Kyle

Because they’re like oil tubes.

Hallie

Yeah. I wanna just see…

Kyle

But you are gonna have to open one.

Hallie

Yeah. I’m gonna wrench it open and be like:

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I think we should go down this pipe. Jam, you with me? I think we should go down this pipe and see where it goes.

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Very excited.] Oh yeah!

Hallie

I think that’s a winning idea.

Kyle

Roll me a 1d6.

Hallie

Badabing!

[Rolls.] I got a 1.

[Chuckling.] I got a 1 on my d6 to go in the pipe. I wanna go in the pipe!

Kyle

[Assorted violent thudding sounds.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You better pray that angels can heal because you are sore all over.

Hallie

[Squeaks in delight.]

Kyle

You feel worse in death than you ever felt in life.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Agh, fuck! Okay, that didn’t work.

Kyle

No, you are… The sound happens as you travel through the pipes.

Hallie

Oh! Yay. I thought it was just…

Kyle

So it’s, thud-thud-thud, boom! And eventually you slam against the end of a pipe and a couple of seconds later, boom, as you’re recovering from the soreness, Jam slams into you on your other side.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh! Ugh, shit, agh! Jam, if you had healing powers, how would you try activating them?

Kyle (as Jam) 

Wait. Who is that?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Like let’s say hypothetically—It’s me. What?

Kyle (as Jam) 

What?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m right here.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Are you my conscience?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What?! What are you…?

Hallie

I’m snapping in Jam’s face.

Ari

Can you turn invisible?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Just like, oops, angel power.

Kyle

As you snap, you come back into the very shiny flesh.

Kyle (as Jam) 

Oh! When did you get here?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’ve been here the whole time, but… Isn’t that interesting. I may not have healing powers…

Kyle

Alright, I need you to roll 1d6.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

…which would be better, but I guess this is fine too.

Kyle

Actually, I need you to roll twice since you snapped twice.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Four was the first roll.

[Rolls.] And 5 was the second.

Kyle

Okay. Do you have a goal when you’re snapping?

Hallie

No, I’m just experimenting. This is new.

[Silly bouncy music begins.]

Kyle

Okay. The first time you snap, if we could see the outside of a pipe, we’d just see a (burst) as you just cause a massive explosion inside of there with your first snap. What do you do with your second snap?

Hallie

With my second snap…

Emily

You set off car alarms.

Hallie

Just random car alarms. I would like to get out of the pipe. Am I still in the pipe?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah, I’d like to just, “boop,” I’m out of the pipe, with Jam.

Kyle

In that case, let’s reverse it. I like Emily’s joke. You do it, and the pipe just swarps open for you to fall out…

Hallie

[Amused.] “Swarp.”

Kyle

…and as you hit the ground you can just hear car alarms. You don’t even know how cars are here.

Hallie

I don't know where there are cars. Don’t care. I’ve set off a fair amount of car alarms in my time. This is nothing new.

Kyle

When you hit the ground, you hit a grated golden floor.

[Music changes to sinister ambient mystery.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Interesting.

Hallie

I kick it a little bit.

Kyle

It bends, because gold is a very weak metal.

Hallie

Gold is not a good…

Kyle

Gold is a very shit metal.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

So this is not that sturdy, but that’s fine, I’ve got wings and a whole bunch of other shit that I can do.

Hallie

I’d like to peer down into the grate. Do I see anything on the other side?

Kyle

It looks like what I, someone who has never worked or really done research on an oil rig, would think the inside of an oil rig looks like.

Hallie

It’s just a classic oil rig.

Kyle

Yeah. You can see a bunch of machinery, mechanics. There seem to be these little robots going back and forth working on the panels in a very droning attitude. I’m gonna say they even say things imitating employees.

Kyle (as robot) 

Mondays, am I right? Mondays, am I right?

Ari

Oh god.

Kyle

One of them says, even though not a single other robot is next to it.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

In between all of those, you see more of those golden tubes where, in some of them, are full Necromon, some are Necromon in that wispy line-filled shape, and then some are just pure bright blue magic.

Hallie

Okay. Can I remove the grate and then jump down into oil rig land, slash fly down because I have wings?

Kyle

Roll me a 1d6.

Hallie

A 1d6, here I go!

[Rolls.] I got a 5.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

So what are the consequences to Quique while this is happening?

Kyle

What do you mean?

Emily

Is he just not gonna be able to roll any numbers without dying?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Oh, I didn’t think about that. Yeah.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Emily, no!

Hallie

I rolled like four times!

Ari

Emily!

Emily

I thought you were keeping track!

Kyle

Sparky has rolled, what, like five times?

Hallie

Yeah, four or five.

Kyle

Okay. One, two, three, four, five… We are up to 8, by the way.

Ari

Emily, no~! Emily!

Emily

I’m so sorry.

Ari

No…

Emily

This wasn’t what I wanted.

Hallie

With that last successful roll, I’d like to peacefully and competently glide down into the oil rig land.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Quique, you’ve been walking on this road for a pretty long while following this Fennecho which has been very diligently walking forward, but it suddenly stops for a second, picks up its ears, looks to the left, and you can hear the faint echo of a young person’s voice going:

Kyle (as Jam) 

[Very excited.] Oh yeah!

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. I guess that is the way to go.

Hallie

Ha.

Ari

Do I recognize this as potentially Jam? Because I think that’s Jam.

Kyle (as Ariel) 

Jam?

Kyle

Ariel, who has been doing the fake smile, working on it, really “gotta make myself look beautiful” kind of vibes… face just drops in like an “oh shit.”

Ari

Aww.

Kyle (as Ariel) 

J-Jam? Jam?!

[Electro-swing chase music begins.]

Kyle

And they book it in the direction that the Fennecho is facing.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes!

Ari

Quique’s gonna just be really happy at Ariel becoming more like themselves.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, okay!

Kyle

You have a crisis, kid! You have a crisis!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

You have a crisis. You’re accepting that you have a crisis. You already had one, but now you’re accepting you have it. Let’s go! He’s gonna run after them.

Kyle

Alright.

Ari

I’ve just assumed this whole time that Yunuen is piggybacking on Ariel.

Hallie

She’s having fun.

Kyle

I love that. Yeah. She takes her forearm cane and points it forward.

Hallie

Onward!

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

She’s been doing that while taking different animal forms.

Ari

Yes! Animorph Yunuen. I am so happy.

Kyle

Animals specifically, so not Necromon. She’s taking different animal forms.

Ari

Yes!

Kyle

You see, we’ll just go to… a little fox is pointing the way, because she really likes the Fennecho but she can’t nail it because a Fennecho is a Necromon.

Ari

Oh, so cute.

Kyle

So, we’ll say she’s a tiny little fennec fox.

Hallie

A little fennec fox.

Ari

Yes, that’s so good.

Kyle

And then I’m assuming you follow?

Ari

Yes, yes, yes. I am following.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Quique, the direction is that way! That’s the way it’s going. Why are we— [Shouts.]

Ari (as Quique) 

That’s where I’m going!

[Music changes to threatening mystery ambience.]

Kyle

As you run off the path, suddenly the fog disperses. You notice that your walkway is not the only one. I don't know if you take it in. We’ll say Lionel’s distracted. Fuck it, we’re gonna say that what he sees you see.

Ari

Oh, okay.

Kyle

To add to the hell.

Ari

Oh no. That’s like a headache. I hate that.

Kyle

You can hear each other’s thoughts, Quique.

Ari

No. No!

Kyle

A lot of his thoughts are just [Hums elevator music.]

Hallie

[Joins in the elevator music.]

Ari

No! Oh no. He’s just trying to do some meditation, trying to block this fucking obnoxious…

Emily

[Musically.] hanging out with my best friend, Quique. Hanging out with my best friend, Quique. Isn’t this fun? I bet he’s having just as much fun as me!

Ari

No…

Kyle

Yeah, because he does not detect your thoughts at all even though he technically can hear them. So, around you, there are multiple other rivers going every which way, all of them leaving from… almost what looks like clouds, these foggy light blue, light gray areas. Some of them you can tell you get a little bit of activity. One cloud seems to have a consistent amount of lightning coming from it as if whatever world it hides is always raining. Another one just (unce, unce, unce). It’s just emanating… Actually, the cloud itself is like (thump, thump, thump), it’s pulsing like a heart.

Ari

Quique is hoping that that’s not where the voice came from, because that sounds like [unintelligible].

Kyle

Faint EDM plays and lights are just shooting out. That layer of the Afterworlds is like the annoying next-door neighbor who’s like a floor above or below you.

Ari

That’s Lionel’s layer.

Kyle

The layers can’t do it, but if they could, the cloud directly beneath it would just be poking up with a broom. Actually, no, no, that is. There is a giant that emerges from the cloud underneath and takes a giant broom and just bangs on the underside of the cloud.

Hallie

I love it.

Kyle

All of these worlds with multiple paths in and out, a network of not only rivers but lakes, all extending downwards into abyss you cannot see the bottom of, and upwards further than you can make out. That’s what Lionel sees. Quique’s more on a mission.

Quique, you see Ariel running across a lake where multiple rivers converge, and in the center there is a giant… basically what looks like an oil rig emerging with numerous pipes extending out to these various rivers connected to the lake. Instead of fire coming out of the top… it is fire, but it’s like that light blue fire. What would be noticeable to most people but especially you is the entire thing is made out of gold.

Ari

Oh… okay. Interesting.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm, Midas at it again.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Midas?

Ari (as Quique) 

Lionel, you don’t, you don’t… You’re not supposed to be eavesdropping when somebody is…

Hallie

[Amused.] Directly next to you.

Ari (as Quique) 

…mumbling my theories about things.

[Music/SFX ends.]

Ari

I’m gonna inspect the lake and everything. Can Jam be heard in this particular lake?

Kyle

You can’t hear Jam, but you see Ariel has crossed the lake and is climbing a ladder towards basically the upper area of the oil rig to go inside, and you can feel trouble.

Ari

Okay. Well, you know, I trust my kid.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

So Quique’s gonna follow them up the ladder.

Kyle

Quique, I need you to either accept a failure or roll a 1d20. The number is now 8.

Emily

I don’t think this is fair, because you were the one who forgot until I said something.

Hallie

You’re just trying to allay your own guilt.

Emily

I mean, yeah.

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a 10.

Kyle

Okay! It is up to 9, but you are safe.

[Angelic music begins.]

Quique, as you make your way into the massive oil rig golden thing, you see this thing descending from the heavens, bright. You can hear Lionel be like:

Kyle (as Lionel) 

It’s beautiful! It’s a sign from above! It’s…

[Music abruptly changes to silly music.]

Kyle

It’s just Sparky.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

It’s a bird, it’s a plane…

Hallie

It’s a Sparky~!

Kyle

Sparky, you hit the ground, and in front of you:

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Hello! I don’t believe we’ve met before. My name is Lionel.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Screams.]

Kyle

Quique’s hand reaches out to you.

Ari (as Quique) 

Sparky, I was gonna say I can explain, but I actually… Wait. Why are you all, uh…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No-no-no, you first.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Oh yeah? She wasn’t doing a handshake. She must be more of a hugger. Come on in.

Ari (as Quique) 

No, no, no.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Sounds of discomfort.] What the fuck?

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Of all of the things that I thought you would become in this world, an angel was not really my first choice.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Chuckles.] I know, right? I am just full of surprises. As are you. Who is your new friend? Who’s your new best friend?

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh, that… nobody, because he’s not my friend.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Please. We have been best friends since we were real little skeletons.

Ari (as Quique) 

No, he’s just… you know—

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Well, we were humans at the time.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh, Quique, I didn’t know about that. That’s so nice. You have a childhood friend.

Ari (as Quique) 

[Stammers.] You know… no. Everybody has a family member that’s like, you know, just there, and then you’re like oh boy, this one again. You usually say it not to their face.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And then you’re joined at the hip and he’s like your second head. Yeah! Yeah.

Ari (as Quique) 

… No, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

This is so sweet.

Kyle (as

Lionel) 

Yeah. “Oh boy,” he’s here again! Yeah!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Quique, as an angel, I am an expert on heartwarming matters, and this is one of those.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique) 

I don't think you know what an angel can do.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I sure don’t, but watch!

Hallie

And then she just starts snapping.

Kyle

Alright. Roll me… Roll five—six times. You snapped six times.

Ari

No! Hallie! No!

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Rolls.] A 6.

Kyle

Two, three, four…

Ari

You’re gonna make me die.

Hallie

[Keeps rolling.] A 5. A 5, a 5… a 5!

Ari

Why do you keep rolling fives?!

Hallie

[Rolls.] A 5!

Ari (as Quique) 

How?!

Hallie

I think I have a 6. Right? I got one 6 and five fives.

Kyle

[Amused.] So, you can do six things.

Hallie

[Delighted.] I can do six things! I’d like to turn invisible. I’d like to briefly blind both of them.

Ari (as Quique) 

Agh!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oh god.

Kyle

You could heal yourself.

Hallie

No, it’s funnier if I never get that.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

You can slowly levitate but only like a centimeter off the ground.

Hallie

Yeah, I’m not using my wings, I’m just slowly levitating. I become a biblical angel for a split fucking second. It’s awful.

Ari (as Quique) 

Agh!

Hallie

For some reason my hands light on fire for a hot second.

Emily

For a “hot” second?

Hallie

For a hot second. And then, um…

Kyle

You finally write the novel that you’ve been meaning to write.

Hallie

It just apparates out of nowhere.

Emily

I’m trying to think of some of the weirder ones. Languages…

Ari

Right? What are some of the weird things? Oh, couldn’t he do something with radio waves, or control electric devices or some shit like that?

Emily

Yeah, that’s what I was talking about with the car alarms.

Hallie

Oh! Maybe the lights flicker. There’s a power outage for two seconds and then it all comes back.

Kyle

I like that.

[Ragtime music begins.]

Sparky disappears, all of you get blinded, then when she reappears she is levitating a centimeter off the ground but has so many more eyes, arms and wings. She screams “be not afraid,” then lights on fire, but that just turns into her hand, and finally all the lights go out.

[Music ends abruptly with a thud.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And yet I still can’t heal myself.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ugh, this is why I hate angels.

Kyle

And at that moment the lights go back on and somehow just underneath Sparky’s feet is a giant golden robot holding an umbrella, fallen on the ground, and underneath you can hear the faint sounds of a 13-year-old groaning.

Emily (as Irene) 

[Groans.]

-Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Magical girl music begins.]

Kyle

The world disappears, and we can only see colorful lines of light surrounding a young girl, Juniper Brees. She grabs her yellow ballcap, turns it to the side and throws it off, allowing her beautiful curly hair to spill out into tightly coiled curls ascending into the sky. The long wooden bird next to her, its legs merge together into a staff which she twirls around and flips into the air causing the floating crown to pop above her own head. A light goes around her glasses which turn into large goggles with owl wings and a golden trim. The camera in this hypothetical, as she turns around during this magical girl transformation, the camera goes down and her Ski-lees pop out into full skis.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

She does a little bit of an ice-skating figure 8, and a trail of green light follows where her Ski-lees went. Finally, to finish her transformation to Butterscotch, Juniper Brees jumps into the air, lifts her staff, and her skirt extends into a long golden dress that ties at the waist like a candy wrapper with matching gloves.

[Music ends.]

Irene, you have a massive fucking headache after all that.

Hallie

Ha!

Emily

You know how you have the frowny face emoji, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

And then you have the one that’s like… the mouth is more upset?

Kyle

I think so.

Emily

It’s like the bigger frown.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

That’s Irene’s face. Irene is displeased.

Ari

Cannot see why.

Emily

In any other situation she would be so dazzled and so excited, but she’s had a day, and you know, Juniper could have brought this up at any point. They’ve been rivals for so long.

Hallie

She’s got a point.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

Stop, villain! This is what you get for dealing with two heroes sweet as sugar!

Kyle

She points off and then she looks back at you.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

I like… I like to do, um…

Kyle

Getting kind of sheepish and blushing.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

I like to do sweet puns.

Emily (as Irene) 

I have a bitter soul.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Irene does not smile. [Laughs.]

Hallie

Irene is having absolutely none of this. Just like, no.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

Well, um…

[Necromon battle music begins.]

Like any good fusion, we are…

Kyle

And she sweeps around and grabs you by the shoulder.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

Sweet and sour! Go, Io!

Ari (as Io) 

Oeee!

Kyle

Juniper throws out a card, and a small nervous roadrunner with its wings tucked behind its head charges at the robot.

Emily

I think Irene is mad, but not to be outdone she does swing her arm around to signal her Necromon. I think she’s going to just unleash everyone. Why not?

Kyle (as Boidelrat) 

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

Boidelrat is gonna charge off to play, chasing after the Io at first but eventually redirecting when Irene points.

Ari

Mallea is already just… smash.

Kyle

So, you are doing Girl Underground which, to put simply, is a 2d6 system. So now we’ve introduced all of them. Ari is the 1d20, Sparky is the 1d6, and then Emily’s is the closest, just flat 2d6, same as Under the Neighborhood. I’m gonna roll for Release the Beast as Boidelrat just fucking charges, which does add a roll onto Quique’s.

Ari

[Disappointed.] Yep.

Kyle

[Laughs.] And I’m gonna fail. She goes, she’s like “yeah-yeah, I’m gonna do this,” and then she gets distracted and goes back to chasing Io.

Hallie

Amazing.

Ari

I wanna do Center of Attention.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

I wanna draw attention away from the Girl. So like, I just wanna challenge this robot into a combat with me, the Giant, Mallea.

Kyle

Alright, roll me a 2d6.

Ari

A 2d6.

[Rolls.] I rolled an 8.

Kyle

Okay. How do you get the attention of this thing?

Ari

You know, I’m big. I think I just do an intimidation, like growl.

Ari (as Mallea) 

[Fierce.] Uh-lay-um!

Kyle

You hear through the robot the crackling, like over a radio, the voice of the Mossie going:

Kyle (as Mossie) 

See-sawm! See-sawm!

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

You unintentionally scare the Mossie…

Emily

Aww.

Ari

No~

Kyle

…which has enough power over this thing that it runs through the end of the cave, just running on what looks to be this river.

Ari

Oh no.

Ari (as Mallea) 

[Concerned.] Uh-lay-um.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Mallea will apologize to Irene and then try to run towards it.

Emily

At hearing the distressed sound from the Mossie, I would like to refuse to mind my manners.

Kyle

Okay. What manner are you refusing to mind?

Emily

Young ladies must never ask for help.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

Juniper is skiing, right?

Kyle

Yeah, but she’s floating through the air. She can fly-skate.

Hallie

Fly-ski.

Emily (as Irene) 

[Exhales.] Juniper, speed me up.

Emily

Irene is going to put aside her pride, and she’s gonna ask Juniper to help her go faster, because she can’t run very fast.

Kyle

Juniper is just so fucking happy. Roll me a 2d6.

Emily

In honor of the fact that every time we roll it affects Quique, we’re gonna use the skull dice.

Ari

[Groans.] We’re gonna go out of numbers.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Yeah, we’re at 17 right now.

Emily

[Rolls.] A 5 and a 2, so that’s a 7.

Kyle

Okay. Juniper is just sitting there. She slaps her cheeks together and she whispers to herself.

Kyle (as Juniper) 

I’ve never wanted anything more.

[Laughter.]

Alright, be still!

[Magical girl music begins.]

Kyle

You realize too late, Irene, as the lines of light start to surround you and the world goes away… you’re stuck in a magical girl transformation.

Ari

Oh!

[Sounds of delight.]

Kyle

I want everyone to describe one detail of Irene’s magical girl transformation. I’m gonna say her face is really pouty, so it really matches the sweet and sour vibes.

Hallie

Oh man. This is cheating. This is cheating so hard. I think it’s really funny if Irene’s sensible dour old lady shoes remain exactly the same. They are still the little buckle Nancy Drew shoes.

Kyle

Even though she wanted to go faster.

Hallie

Yes. There’s something else that makes her go fast, but I don't know what it is, unless her shoes become little espresso beans. The whole vibe for Irene is just one very mad espresso bean.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Hallie

Just one. You know, espresso has caffeine, so it makes you go fast.

Emily

Bitter black coffee like my soul.

Hallie

Yeah, exactly, it’s all coming together.

Ari

Maybe she can get a magical girl dress but the print can be just a bunch of angry, I don't know, not insults but text that’s all like “this is terrible.” It looks like stripes, but really, if you look closely, it’s just a bunch of text that reflects…

Kyle

And the words go across the screen in the back as that alteration happens.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, Emily, what’s the final aspect of your…?

Emily

Oh my gosh, wait. So Juniper has her skis, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Can Irene have a snowboard leaf?

Hallie

Wait, that’s so good. That’s so good!

Kyle

I’m gonna say you do not pose or anything, you’re just standing there, stiff.

Emily

I feel like Irene doesn’t even notice as she is panting, trying to run.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Juniper) 

[In awe.] She’s so cool…

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

We’re gonna flash forward a bit because I want to get us all together, and yeah, Quique is now at 17.

Emily

Are there like two little old lady shoes sticking out from underneath the statue like the Wicked Witch of the East? [Laughs.]

Kyle

So, Irene…

[Electro-swing chase music begins.]

I’m gonna say you keep pace pretty well. You are catching up even as the cave turns from a cave into this weird foggy abyss. Your mon are, eh, they’re struggling. Mallea’s doing pretty well keeping up with you, but I’m gonna say the rest are… actually, the rest are magically floated behind you.

Ari

Yes!

Kyle

Juniper can’t keep pace. You are going so fast. You are gonna feel this. You’re gonna feel this a lot.

Ari

I feel like Irene is already feeling this, so this is just gonna be quite bad.

Hallie

Yeah, probably.

Kyle

But suddenly there is a blinding light that causes you to trip. It feels like there is just flames all around you, your temperature regulation is out of whack, and finally all the lights disappear.

[Music ends abruptly.]

You can only feel as you (thud, thud, thud), stumble on your own feet, knock into the back of this robot, which tips over and falls on top of everything except for your little witch feet.

Hallie

Your little witch feet.

Emily

[Laughs.] Is the Mossie still in there?

Kyle

You know, it’s hard to tell because it’s right on top of you and you are very crushed.

Emily

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Actually, no, we’ll say you can see the Mossie. It’s very happy to see you, but it’s very dizzy.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

Because your nose is just pressing to the side because you’re so close to it against the little glass thing that the Mossie is in.

Emily

It’s so happy, just like nuzzling up against the glass thinking it’s against her face.

Hallie

Trying so hard.

Kyle

The armor cracks and the Mossie just falls out and goes into a little pocket in your magical girl dress and falls asleep immediately.

Emily

Irene is not asleep.

Kyle (as Mossie) 

Sawm.

Emily

She is just stuck.

Kyle (as Mossie) 

Sawm!

Ari

So, right now Irene is under the, like…?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

You’re just seeing her little old lady shoes.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I recognize those shoes!

Ari (as Quique) 

I recognize that voice. Sparky, help me.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do angels have super strength?

[Snaps.] I guess we’ll find out.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle

Alright, roll me 1d6.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Two.

Kyle

That means Quique has to pick up the slack. Quique, roll me a 1d20.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

No! But like, what is the number now? Is it like a nat-20 now?

Kyle

It’s 18. You have to get 19 or 20.

Ari

Oh…!

[Rolls.] No, I rolled a 6. It’s all your fault, Sparky.

Hallie

It kind of is, but I’m not sorry.

Kyle

Alright. The tracker goes back to 1. That’s good.

Hallie

Okay!

Ari

At least there’s that.

Hallie

Yay!

Emily

Do you just get it far enough off to where it hurts again as you drop it back on Irene?

Hallie

It hurts more.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I don’t want to hurt Irene, so what I’m gonna say…

Hallie

Onto this poor child.

Kyle

Sparky, you snap and you flip it over with such strength that it immediately falls on Quique.

Ari (as Quique) 

Agh!

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Well look at that, I do have super strength!

Ari (as Quique) 

Ugh.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Quique, did you see that?!

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh… I felt it.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m glad!

Ari (as Quique) 

Can you take this thing you grabbed away from on top of me?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Well, since I have super strength, I bet I can.

Hallie

I have not snapped again, so I still have it, presumably. So yoink.

Kyle

Okay. You flip it over, and Quique, you feel rejuvenated.

Ari

Oh, interesting.

Kyle

You can’t hear that annoying voice in your head anymore.

Ari

Oh my god! Is that how he dislodged?

Hallie

You’re welcome.

Ari (as Quique) 

Sparky, you’re my new best friend. Oh! Sparky! Ugh.

Emily

You can’t hear Lionel’s internal sobbing.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

He’s gonna try to hug Sparky without thinking.

Ari (as Quique) 

Sparky! Thank you! You have no idea how much I’ve suffered this past…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Quique. Quique. How hard did it—? Can you get concussions when you’re a skeleton? How hard did I hit you?

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh… I don't know, actually. I’ve never been hit that hard with anything. Maybe I have a concussion.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene) 

I definitely don’t have a con— [Stammers and mumbles.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’m very strong. Okay, Irene, sweetheart, honey, what’s… How many fingers am I holding up?

Hallie

She’s holding out all of them.

Kyle

[Laughs.] We couldn’t see your fingers on the camera.

Emily (as Irene) 

Um… 12?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Close enough. That’s close, right Quique?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah. Yeah.

Ari

Actually, I’d like to say that Quique was holding two fingers up.

Hallie

[Delighted.] Two fingers in the background. Sparky just didn’t notice.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Okay. You know what would be really handy right now? Healing powers.

Hallie

I snap, because I think that’s how it works.

Kyle

Okay, roll me a 1d6.

Ari

Quique will look in horror as Sparky’s about to snap her fingers again.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Five, my favorite number.

Ari

Why do you keep rolling fives?

Hallie

I don't know!

Emily

Is she swapping out or does she now just have all these powers layering on top of each other?

Hallie

I have no idea.

Emily

Eventually she’s gonna be God.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

That’s what Sparky’s always wanted. The new power that I unlock is, um…

Emily

Jedi mind tricks.

Hallie

Yeah, that one. I don't know how Jedi mind tricks physically manifest, but I have them now.

Kyle

Irene, you feel a lot better.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

You are not a lot better, but you feel a lot better.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

You’re welcome.

Emily

Sparky says I’m fine, so I’m definitely fine.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

It’s the placebo effect.

Emily

This is called adrenaline.

Kyle

Everyone else can hear your knees crack as you get up.

Ari

No!

Hallie

Your crooked knees.

Ari

No, poor Irene.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay. Okay. So you’re, um… she got the fingers close enough.

Hallie

I’m looking at Quique, silently asking for someone wiser than I to appraise the situation.

Emily (as Irene) 

I realize now that two of the fingers I thought you were holding up were actually your eyes.

Ari (as Quique) 

Well, that is not, um…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Fingers and eyes, they’re the same, you know.

Ari (as Quique) 

That is, uh, you know… you had 12 eyes at some point.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I did have 12 eyes at one point.

Ari (as Quique) 

So I guess she isn’t wrong even though she didn’t see that. I think we should keep an eye on her.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

We should keep 12 eyes on her?

Ari (as Quique) 

Maybe, but that form is extremely terrifying, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

No one wants to see it, including me. That’s fine. That’s fine.

Ari

Quique’s just gonna begrudgingly look for Lionel’s head.

Hallie

Normal thing to do.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Whoa, this feels… this feels kinda tingly.

[Monster origin music.]

Kyle

Lionel’s voice crackles into a radio and you hear grating of metal as the robot that had the Mossie slams one fist into the ground and then the other.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

[Groans.] I don't know what’s going on, but I feel like…

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

…giving a big hug.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

Did you think I was gonna make your failure result in something good for you, Ari? Did you really think I would be so kind?! The robot turns around, having fully latched itself onto Lionel’s skull which is in the little spot where the Mossie was, and it’s gonna go to give Quique a hug.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

That’s so brilliant, though. That’s such a brilliant move.

Ari (as Quique) 

I think we should run again! Agh!

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Welcome to the announcement break for Journey to the Afterworlds, Part 4! Our theme song for this episode is Liquid Nights and Disco Lights by Miracle of Sound. You can find that in the description. Down there you can also find the rulebooks for Girl Underground, School Daze, and Dread. To that person who gave the very thoughtful feedback that Necromon fights were confusing because we were using two different roleplaying games in the same episode, I’m not sorry. I probably won’t do it again, but I’m not sorry for this episode.

Our call to action for this episode is to tell {your friend about the show}. Numbers have been… I’ll just be honest, numbers have been dipping lately, in part because I’ve been very inconsistent at releasing, but the most common way someone starts a new podcast is by getting it recommended from someone else. So, find your favorite episode and text it to a friend. My personal recommendation is The Lich’s Shadow, Part 1. I think that’s a very good opening to the podcast. Probably not this episode, although I think it’s good, I just… I cannot imagine showing this to someone new.

That’s all I got for you this week. Our next episode will start a new adventure. If you’d like additional podcasts, short stories, or behind the scenes insights, you can find them at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Ragtime music carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Wait, wait, wait! You don’t want to hug Quique.

Emily

[Delighted.] Jedi mind trick.

Hallie

Yeah.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

It doesn’t work.

Hallie

Damn it!

Ari (as Quique) 

Sparky, that’s not how those work!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Alright, well I thought it might.

Kyle

Now Ari, you have to roll to survive this hug.

Ari

Oh no. It reset, right?

Kyle

It reset, so now it’s at 2, because we did roll once since then.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] Eighteen.

[Silly frantic music begins.]

Kyle

Okay, yeah. He goes in to hug, and you just swoop down. You’ve dodged hugs from Lionel before, even if he’s weirdly kind of possessed by this thing.

Ari

He has a tell.

Ari (as Quique) 

Okay, alright, listen. Just stay there, you thing. You can live in that robot now. You look great there, yeah. Just, you know, there’s plenty of things to hug in this world.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Lionel no hug?

Ari (as Quique) 

Not hug Quique.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

No…

[Sounding monstrous.] No hug!

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh, wait-wait-wait!

Kyle

This thing takes in the juices of Lionel again, like takes in the brain juices.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

No hug from… No hug. No hug from Qui—

[Monstrous.] From Quique! You dare return?!

[Music changes to threatening monster music.]

Kyle

Accessing Lionel saying “Quique,” this thing gets fucking pissed. It is going to grab… It’s gonna actually break one of the golden pipes and it’s gonna swing it at Quique.

Hallie

Oh Jesus.

Ari

Oh no. Do I roll to avoid that?

Kyle

You have to roll unless someone’s gonna help you.

Ari

Ooh… Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Kyle

You gotta get a 4 or higher.

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a 2. No… please.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Quique, it’s going to knock your head clean off.

Ari

No!

Kyle

And it kind of just ping-pongs somewhere in the back before grabbing your skeleton and starting to climb the inside of this like it’s fucking King Kong.

Hallie

Oh Jesus, I hate it.

Ari (as Quique) 

Sparky! Grab me! But carefully.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Which you? The head that just got knocked off or the—

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes, the head!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Agh!

Ari (as Quique) 

If you can grab the body, that would be even better.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

So you want…

[Stammers.] I was going for the body.

Ari (as Quique) 

Go for the body! Go for the body. I’m fine here.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Agh! Okay, okay, okay!

Emily (as Irene) 

Mallea, go! Catch that robot.

Ari (as Mallea) 

Hmm? Uh, uh-lay-um!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Oh, this is a much better plan.

Ari

He’s so ready.

Kyle

Alright, roll me a 2d6, Mallea.

Ari

The bad part is he might not be as careful with Quique’s body. He just wants to fight this thing.

Emily

I mean… it is what it is.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Let’s go. Roll…

[Rolls.] I rolled a 4.

Kyle

Mallea, how are you gonna charge this thing? What’s your plan here?

[Ghostly action music begins.]

Ari

My plan is to try and do some parkour to intercept this robot as it’s climbing King Kong style.

Kyle

Thud. Thud. Mallea tries to jump on a pipe and it just breaks and the liquid starts oozing onto the floor. Then, he tries with another one, and it also breaks. Now pipes are just breaking. We’re gonna say it’s like when there’s water rising, it’s like that but now with this kind of Necromon magic ooze.

Emily

I don’t like that.

Ari (as Quique) 

I know I previously… I don’t think it was to you, but I said that we can breathe underwater, and we technically can, but I still don’t want to be under it.

Kyle

Also, I didn’t specify, but your head is upside-down.

Hallie

Ha.

Ari

Oh great.

Emily

I was wondering if I could have Boidelrat fetch Quique’s head.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Boidelrat) 

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Kyle

We’re gonna do As You Wish. [Rolls.]

Kyle (as Boidelrat) 

Tarledoib… [Yelps and squeaks.]

Emily

Aww!

Kyle

You didn’t know this, but Boidelrat is a Trash element…

Emily

Uh-huh?

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

…so she’s scared of water.

Hallie

Oh no!

Emily

Oh no~

Kyle

Boidelrat jumps and covers your eyes…

Hallie

Aww, the baby!

Kyle

…as she’s trying to hide from the water.

Hallie

The baby!

Emily (as Irene) 

Ugh, Mossies?

Kyle (as Mossies) 

See-sawm?

Emily (as Irene) 

Go fetch.

Kyle (as Mossies) 

[Whining.] See-sawm…!

Emily (as Irene) 

I know you don’t like fetch.

Kyle (as Mossies) 

See-sawm.

Emily (as Irene) 

Please?

Kyle (as Mossies) 

Mmm… awm.

Emily

As she tries to pry Boidelrat off of her face.

Kyle

You’re struggling with that, but the Mossies…

Kyle (as Mossies) 

Sawm. Sawm. Sawm.

Kyle

[Rolls.] …rolled a 9, so they’re gonna…

Kyle (as Mossies) 

Sawm. Sawm. Sawm. Sawm.

Kyle

They’re gonna form a little floating life raft around Quique. Since it was a mixed success…

Kyle (as Mossies) 

Sawm. Sawm! [Chomping sound.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh no!

Kyle

Because Quique can’t grab onto them, they are gonna just all bite into the sides of his skull so he can float up with them.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, this is extremely uncomfortable.

Emily (as Irene) 

I apologize, detective. I am doing my best.

Kyle

She says, underneath a Boidelrat.

Emily (as Irene) 

[Mumbles.]

Kyle

[Mumbles.]

Ari (as Quique) 

This is fine, detecteen.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Alright. Quique, now that you are on them, you are close enough that you can, with considerable difficulty, at least kind of sense what your body is.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

So, any time you roll to do anything with your body, it’s gonna be two rather than one.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

But you can do things. That’s gonna be the benefit of that. You can see… (boom, boom).

[Tense chase music begins.]

It’s using the fist with your skeleton in it to bash a hole in the roof so it can climb outside.

Ari

Oh no… Oh.

Emily (as Irene) 

Sparky Malarky, can’t you fly? You are an angel.

Hallie

I do want Sparky to fly and be the backup since Mallea technically didn’t…

Emily

Do anything.

Hallie

…succeed in getting the body. I’m up. Sparky’s up. I wanna just fly and then yoink it.

Ari

Do it.

Kyle

Alright, roll me a 1d6.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Two.

[Music ends abruptly.]

We’re never getting Quique’s body back.

Ari

God.

Kyle

You know the Goofy (shouting laugh)?

Ari

No…

Kyle

That is Sparky as she snaps and she just fucking Team Rocket blasts off again.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Team Rocket!

Ari (as Quique) 

Sparky~!

Hallie

With the little glow thing in the background.

Ari (as Quique) 

No~!

Kyle

This is going so poorly.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ugh.

Kyle

Hallie used up all of her fives and sixes on six snaps.

Hallie

Yeah, I used them all up on my snaps. Okay, um… fuck it.

[Frantic guitar music plays.]

Pokeyo’s taking matters into their own hands. Pokeyo’s gonna try to get the body by just scaling the building.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Can I try using Tongue Tied? I’m just gonna try to shame Lionel robot into letting go of the body.

Kyle

So, this whole time Pokeyo’s been using their spines to climb up outside, gets up, and then starts…

Hallie

Yeah, just giving a stern talking-to.

Kyle

Yeah, give me your talking-to and then roll me a 2d6.

Hallie (as Pokeyo) 

Oh-ee-kope! Kope-oh-ee, oh-ee-kope-kope-kope, oh-ee! Oh-ee-kope. Oh-ee-kope, oh-kope, oh-kope-oh-ee!

Emily (as Irene) 

Pokeyo! Do not use that word.

Hallie (as Pokeyo) 

[Indignant.] Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee-kope! Oh-ee, kope. Kope…

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Roll me 2d6.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Pokeyo got a 3.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

They tried so valiantly, though. We’re stuck, gang.

Emily

Doesn’t Hallie get any points for how many times she’s tried stuff?

Hallie

We’re stuck, gang! How does my talking escalate the situation? I just piss him off more, probably.

Ari

No…

Hallie

Because Pokeyo used a naughty word.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Upon seeing a Necromon, the other hand grabs you, Pokeyo…

Hallie

[Squirms.]

[Tense action music begins.]

Kyle

…and golden tubes emerge from the finger, wrap around, latch into you, and start sucking out what feels to be your life force.

Hallie (as Pokeyo) 

[Shrieking.] Oh-ee-kope!

Ari

No!

Kyle

And the thing starts climbing faster.

Hallie (as Pokeyo) 

Oh-ee-kope!

Emily

Do I still have my board, my leaf?

Kyle

Yeah, you still have your magical girl stuff.

Emily

Can I try to fly up?

Kyle

Yeah. What are you gonna do? How are you standing strong in your convictions or refusing to mind your manners?

Emily

One of my beliefs is the world is big and scary, but I think I’m actually gonna refuse to mind a different manner.

Kyle

Okay, what’s the manner?

Emily

Young ladies must never depend on someone else.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

Ooh.

[Music ends.]

Emily

I would like to hold my hand out to pull Sparky Malarky onto my leaf board.

Hallie

Wee!

Kyle

Kyle & Hallie 

[Singing.] I can show you the world.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle

Alright. We’ll say you get up, and Sparky, you can see her falling back down.

Hallie

Agh!

[Tense action music begins.]

Kyle

Because remember, she yeeted herself into the sky.

Emily

Oh, I forgot she was in the sky.

Hallie

I’m flailing.

Emily

Can I just swoop in?

Kyle

Yeah. If I can add the flavor, I’ll say you grab Quique’s skull in one hand and then go to grab Sparky.

Emily

Yeah. We’re gonna do this together, and I’m flying something I don't know how to fly. I’m gonna need Sparky to do something, maybe something that she doesn’t have to roll for.

Hallie

Okay. Well, okay, um…

Kyle

I think this would be a great situation for everyone to roll.

Ari

Oh.

Hallie

Because we’re all a team. I was gonna say, I want to help stabilize and steer the board, because Sparky’s got her wings.

Kyle

Roll me a 1d6+1 because you’re getting used to your wings.

Hallie

Okay.

[Rolls.] I got a 5!

Kyle

Ha-ha!

Hallie

Ha-ha!

Emily

Yay!

Kyle

Irene, you are stabilized. Quique, how are you gonna help?

Ari

If they’re close enough to the body or something, I can try to have the body climb out of the fist.

Kyle

Alright. Roll me 2d20. The first one has to be higher than 7, the second one has to be higher than 8.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] Eighteen, and…

[Rolls.] Twenty!

Kyle

Oh-ho!

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

Oh-ho! Look what happens when we work as a team.

Kyle

And Irene, roll me to refuse to mind your manners with advantage since both of the other ones succeeded.

Hallie

Oh-ho-ho.

Emily

[Rolls.] Eight.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

Okay.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So, describe… just describe the scene from Irene picking up Quique up to you doing your thing to help with the monster, and I will take over from there.

[Action rock music begins.]

Emily

Irene scrambles up onto her little leaf snowboard. She’s pried Boidelrat off of her face, and Boidelrat can be clinging to her with her little claws, unhappy.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

Just digging into Irene.

Emily

Little fur sticking up, if there’s any fur. I don't know. I was picturing a couple of little gross tufts. Surprisingly smoothly, she and Sparky and gonna, like… they just have a moment of connection. They grab each other’s arms and they’re on their way. Then Quique’s head is there, and we fly up to get the body.

Kyle

So you go… Quique, you said you were gonna reach out, right? With your body.

Ari

Yeah.

Emily

It would be really cute if Irene and Sparky reached out and caught each other’s arms and then Irene and Sparky both reached out and caught Quique’s hands.

Ari

Aww, yeah.

Hallie

That would be cute.

Ari

That’s so cute.

Kyle

And there is a moment of tension as this thing tries to pull back, Quique.

Kyle (as Lionel) 

Quique! Quique!

Kyle

Eventually you slip out, but you rolled a mixed success, and so you falter.

[Ominous ambient music begins.]

Ari

[Groans.]

Kyle

You all end up on the leaf, and you can see as this thing, screaming, starts bashing around it and hits the flame at the top of this oil rig thing. Energy starts to spark off, and you can tell this thing is about to blow.

Emily

Is Juniper just in there?

Kyle

Technically everyone’s in there besides you.

Emily

Wait, besides me? I thought we were all on the leaf.

Kyle

Besides you three. Besides you three.

Hallie

You plural.

Emily

Oh.

Kyle

There is Jam, Ariel, Yunuen, Lionel is technically not in there because he’s in the… [Laughs.]

Emily

I’m gonna… I feel like instinctively I’m gonna try to swoop back down to the rest of the people.

Kyle

But there’s a hesitancy there. Instinctually that’s what you want to do, but you can’t decide. You freeze in the face of danger. As you waver, the leaf beneath you starts to shake, and the words start turning into regular lines again.

Hallie

Oh no!

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

With a blip, you return to regular Irene Hawthorne…

Hallie

No.

Kyle

…and are powerless to do anything as you are covered by a light blue explosion.

[Music ends in a dramatic flourish.]

Kyle

You hear the faint sounds of a library—a library, Irene, that you’ve been to multiple times for yourself, Quique has been to multiple times with his kids, and Sparky, to be frank, has probably been banned from.

Hallie

I use it for wi-fi.

Kyle

The Valley Public Library. It looks almost identical, although everything does have this bluish-white tint, even the giant paper mâché tree in the primarily children’s book section which you find yourself looking at.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I haven’t seen this room in a while.

Emily (as Irene) 

Where is everyone else?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Did they also get banned from the library?

Emily (as Irene) 

Mallea? Pokeyo? Mossies?

Ari (as Quique) 

Ariel?

Emily (as Irene) 

Boidelrat?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Jam?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yuna?

Emily (as Irene) 

Juniper?

Kyle

You don’t hear any of them respond, but as a wind brushes past all of you, you do hear that strange familiar voice that had been coming from the Fennecho.

[Magical music begins.]

Tom (as Hilda) 

What was I doing here? Why did I walk into the room? A book? Must be a book. Why did I need a book?

Kyle

Some of the paper mâché leaves fall off and float out into another section of the library, that voice carrying along with them.

Hallie

Can I follow the leaves?

Kyle

You follow the leaves, the voice getting louder as you do and feeling ever more familiar, and eventually you see the leaves settle in front of a book that, unlike the rest that have the tint on them, is fully colored.

Hallie

Can I reach out and touch the book?

Kyle

You pull the book out of its shelves. It is an old book, very worn and very loved, called Babcia Ania’s Revised Book of Practical Jokes and Clownery.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Does the book seem familiar to us at all?

Kyle

Yes. Yes. It is even more on the tip of your tongue.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’ve read this…

Ari (as Quique) 

This seems familiar. I don’t know why.

Emily

A weird crinkling sound happens.

Ari (as Quique) 

I don't think it was in anything of my novels.

Emily

And there’s a little twitch of a piece of paper, almost like it had been dogeared or something, near the spine.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Did this thing move?

Hallie

Can I open the book?

Ari

I wanna poke it.

Kyle

You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Apparently a blank page is worth more.

[Nostalgic music begins.]

As soon as you open the book, you are overcome with a wave of memories crashing against the shore. It’s almost like all the moments of your life, of the past year of Irene’s life, of the past year of Quique’s life, and of a considerably longer portion of Sparky’s life, 14 years exactly, were just rickety facades that are easily pushed aside by the waves. In them, you remember.

You remember chasing a young girl into Rasputin’s cave, finding and being betrayed by a rival who refused to fight you, doing chemistry, solving crime. Sparky, you didn’t notice you had a hole in your heart until now.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

At first with these memories there’s {this bit of crackling, this distortion, but the wave of memories} pushes it away until every moment with Hilda Miszkiewicz returns to your memory and you realize, probably just a moment too late, that you just opened up Booker.

[Music ends.]

Emily

One little eyestalk pokes up, twitches a little bit. The other little eyestalk pokes up. The little origami legs fold into being. There’s a moment of silence… and then deafeningly:

Emily (as Booker) 

REKOOB!

[Silly music begins.]

Emily

And he launches himself at your face.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

AGH!

Kyle

Sparky specifically, because she was the one who opened it.

Emily

He is kicking your face, and he’s poking you with his little eyestalks. He’s throwing a fit.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Booker, Booker, Booker, Booker, Booker!

Ari (as Quique) 

Booker, hang on! Hang on.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Agh!

Emily (as Booker) 

[Indignant.] Rekoob!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Get him off me! Get him off me! Get him off me!

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob! Rekoob! Rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

Get off, Sparky. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay, little thing.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Quique! Quique!

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob! Rekoob! Rekoob!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Shrieks.] Get him off me!

Ari (as Quique) 

It’s okay.

Emily (as Booker) 

[Forceful.] Rekoob!

Emily

And then he turns to Quique and starts batting him with his little cover.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari (as Quique) 

No, wait! No, no, wait. It’s okay. It’s fine. I’m sorry.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Booker, Booker, Booker!

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob!

[Growls.] Rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

I’m sorry we forgot you.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Booker, Booker, Booker! Uh… Heel? Stay? Oh my God, [unintelligible] command. Ugh!

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Emily

Can Irene just come up from behind him and grab him like a dog and hold him, like, facing away from her?

Hallie

If anyone’s gonna, it’s gonna be Irene.

Kyle

Yeah, as he keeps kicking.

Emily

And he’s kicking and struggling and making little angry sounds.

Kyle

He’s trying to grab a knife but there’s nothing near him.

Emily

Yeah.

Ari (as Quique) 

You know, I think this is really awkward for all of us. I don’t really know why we forgot you or the other kid.

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob.

Ari (as Quique) 

Where is she?

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob! Rekoob, rekoob.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Booker, where is Hilda?

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Booker, where is Hilda?

Emily (as Booker) 

[Much brighter.] Rekoob!

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Pinched.] I don’t understand you.

Emily (as Irene) 

He is angry because we forgot a little girl.

Ari (as Quique) 

I know. I honestly don’t understand what happened.

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob, rekoob. Rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, you have all the right to be angry.

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob, rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

I know, but I think that anger should be directed to whatever made us forget about you guys.

Emily (as Booker) 

[Easing up a little.] Rekoob, rekoob.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

I’ve never seen you angry for a legitimate reason, Booker.

Ari (as Quique) 

We would never have done it on purpose.

Emily (as Irene) 

We could not have just not forgotten. It’s not our fault.

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob, rekoob!

Emily (as Irene) 

We can’t “just remember” because we want to remember.

Emily (as Booker) 

[Unreasonable.] Rekoob!

Emily (as Irene) 

He is not listening to me.

Ari

Quique is going to try to hug but in an actual nod to the face way, Booker, while saying I’m sorry.

Hallie

That’s so cute.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

I’m gonna let Emily decide if that works.

Emily

[Smiling.] I’m so sorry, Ari.

Ari

That’s okay.

Emily

Irene loses control of Booker as he just…

Kyle

Quique thinks he’s having a tender horse girl moment.

Emily

Yeah. He relaxes just enough to get into the perfect position to try to poke his little eyestalks up Quique’s nose…

Ari (as Quique) 

No! Wait!

Emily

…and then bat him over the head with his cover again.

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob! Rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

I guess that was a bad idea. How do we calm down this thing?

Emily (as Irene) 

You may just have to let him tire himself out.

Ari (as Quique) 

You know, that’s good.

Emily (as Booker) 

[Indignant.] Rekoob! Rekoob!

[Fierce.] Rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

I know. I know. I know. These are all valid points that I don’t understand.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob! Rekoob, rekoob. Rekoooob!

Ari (as Quique) 

I know.

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob! Rekoob. Rekoob-rekoob. Rekoob!

Ari (as Quique) 

You know, we have no justification for this. I honestly have no idea. Do you know where Hilda is?

Emily

He goes quiet for a second.

Emily (as Booker) 

… Rekoob.

[Disappointed.] Rekoob…

Emily

He flumps to the floor and goes flat down in sort of a pouty defeated way with all his little legs splayed out.

Emily (as Booker) 

[Grumbly.] Rekoob, rekoob. Reh…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Booker, how long have you been here?

Emily (as Booker) 

[Sad and uncertain.] Rekoob.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

You don't know?

Emily (as Booker) 

Rekoob, rekoob.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Okay.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

He’s… always been here, I’m afraid. Although I have a feeling that’s not the story you know, is it, Yeyo?

Ari

What? Is Mateo actually in this room or is he…?

[Sad classical piano music begins.]

Kyle

You turn over and you see, heading the Fennecho, a man who looks his age, old and shaking. The only reason you’re able to recognize him as Mateo is because of a long cane that he leans on with a key at the bottom made out of bone…

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

…the third eye on his forehead, and the wooden mask of his younger self on his hip.

Ari

Oh my god. What happened?

Kyle

Mateo gives you a smile.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I believe we have much to discuss.

Ari

Quique is having a hard time not just crumbling to the ground, scattering all of his bones out of pure stress and surprise and everything.

Kyle

He’s had a day.

Ari

He’s had a day. He has a lot of things going on. He’s just gonna approach him and I think hold his hand and, uh… I don't know. I think Quique just, like… I don't know. There’s just a lot going on. I don't know how he would reply other than to approach him and hold his hand. If he could tear up, he would, and just stare at him.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Hallie

Seeing that Quique is having a genuine moment, Sparky leans over to Irene and goes:

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Whispering.] Who the fuck is that?

[Music swells and carries to the outtakes.]

Emily

“Wow,” Lionel thinks, “I should make an EDM remix of this song I’m singing in my head about my BFF.”

Kyle

Unce, unce, unce, unce.

Hallie

Yeah.

Emily

“And then give it to him on a mixtape.”

Hallie

Yeah! That’s what you do to your very best friend.

--

Hallie (as Sparky) 

And yet I still can’t heal myself.

Ari (as Quique) 

That’s weird. I thought that was like Angel 101. Even, like, you know…

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Right? You’d think I’d have some kind… You’d think I’d have that.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, no, I know you have it. Every angel, you know, that’s like the first thing that they teach in angel preparation classes.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What? What?! There’s an angel preparation class?

Ari (as Quique) 

I was a substitute teacher for one of them eons ago before I even moved to the Here.

Hallie (as Sparky) 

What?!

Ari (as Quique) 

I did that, yeah. It was just substituting. They already knew how to do it, you know, but it’s interesting. I mean, I guess you’re just… it’s because it’s your first day on the job as an angel. The job?

Hallie (as Sparky) 

[Stammers, frustrated.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Whatever the job is. You’ll pick it up, probably.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky) 

Probably? God damn it.

--

Emily

Eventually she’s gonna be God.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

That’s what Sparky’s always wanted.

Ari

I mean, Castiel was God at some point, was literal God.

Emily

Yeah, that’s what I’m saying! She’s Cas.

Hallie

Fight me, Lucifer.

[Laughs.] Fuck you.

Emily

Fight me, God’s secret sister.

Ari

Oh god, I don't know why I forgot about that.

Kyle

Sparky admits her love for Big Jake Hell and goes to super hell.

Hallie

[Cackles.] It’s okay because my van will go to turbo heaven, and that’s all I want for my van.

Ari

[Smiling.] Yes.