52. Quique's Golden Age

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Intro music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Hallie

Welcome to Quest Friends! Hereafter. It’s me, Hallie, your DM!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

GM. That’s me. I’m your game master today because we’re doing a special session. It’s kind of like the flashback things we did in Season 1.

Kyle

In that it’s a flashback?

Hallie

Yeah! And it’s a session.

Ari

Except Hallie’s the one GMing the flashbacks instead of Kyle.

Hallie

That’s correct. I get to GM the flashback.

Kyle

And it’s two players instead of one, and it’s in the middle of an arc rather than in between arcs.

Hallie

Yeah, so as you can see there are some key differences. So, um, welcome to Quest Friends! I’m Hallie, she/her, and I’m the GM today.

Kyle

Hello there, people in podcast country. I am Kyle Decker, he/him. I am playing Mateo Mejia Cervantes.

[Smiles nervously.] How close is that? I should have googled this.

Ari

“Sss,” it’s with a “se.” It’s {Servantes} not {Kervantes}.

Kyle

Oh! I’m Kyle playing Mateo Mejia Cervantes.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

I’m playing Mateo, he/him, the journalist who talks to creatures.

Ari

I’m Ari, she/her. I’m playing Quique, the opportunist who adapts, he/him.

Hallie

Alright. Quique and Mateo!

Ari

Yes?

Hallie

[Smiling.] You’re at a wedding.

Ari

Okay?

Kyle

[Chuckles, hums “here comes the bride” music.]

Hallie

No, the wedding’s already happened. You’re at the reception. That’s what I should have said.

Kyle

Okay. Was I invited to this wedding?

Hallie

I don't know. Were you?

Ari

I wasn’t.

Kyle

No, absolutely not.

Hallie

Neither of you? You’re both wedding crashers? Good, that’s the answer that I wanted. So, why did you crash the wedding of Florence and Medici Medici?

Ari

Oh my god. So, the couple is Florence and Medici?

Hallie

Yeah, Medici Medici.

Ari

Florence and Medici Medici. Okay.

Hallie

Florence and Medici.

Kyle

Taking a look at Wikipedia, the house of Medici was an Italian banking family and political dynasty that first consolidated power in the republic of Florence under Cosimo de’ Medici during the first half of the 15th century.

Hallie

Yeah, he doesn’t matter.

Kyle

The family originated in the Mugello region of Tuscany…

Hallie

Uh-huh.

Kyle

…and prospered gradually until it was able to fund the Medici Bank. That sounds intriguing, and that’s why I’m here.

Hallie

[Laughs.] You were like “bank!”

Kyle

Yeah. You see all these people talking, just like: ‘Hey, what’s going on? Hey, did you hear this interesting thing?’

[Classical stuffy music plays.]

And the nice mood lighting by the punch bowl… I don't know if there was a punch bowl in the era that we’re at.

Hallie

There is now.

Kyle

It’s a goblet. The punch bowl is a goblet. They’re just sitting there like ‘hey, did you hear something intriguing,’ and they don’t notice but the perceptive person would notice that the mood lighting just got a little bit warmer.

[Music changes to silly sneaky music.]

Just casually standing by the punch bowl is a tall, young-looking man with catlike eyes, foxlike ears, long flowing hair, a goatee, a long journalist coat and fake glasses that cover his two main eyes, but where the light comes from is a third flaming eye. Mateo is standing there pretending to eat the snacks, but in reality, as a vampire who feeds on intrigue, he’s feeding on all the juicy gossip.

Hallie

Because you are overhearing all this gossip. You hear a lot of things like:

[Snooty.] Mm-hmm, yes, the bank has been closed for quite some time, hasn’t it?

That’s what posh Italians sounded like in the 16th century.

Kyle

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Hallie

Oh-ho-ho!

Kyle

Oh-ho-ho.

Hallie

Obviously.

Kyle

That’s kind of… eh, that’s not super juicy. It’s been for some time.

Hallie

Okay, well these are rich people, so ‘for quite some time,’ they mean like three days.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

Is it known that this bank is, like… is it a known thing?

Hallie

Oh yeah. The Bank of Medici? Sure. The Bank of Medici is a very known thing.

Ari

And it’s known that it’s closed?

Hallie

Yeah, because a lot of people in this weird nega-version of Florence that I have made use the Bank of Medici for all their banking purposes.

Ari

Okay, I have an idea. Quique crashed the wedding because he suspects that Flick the alchemist was in fact invited, has something to do with the Bank of Medici closing.

[Music ends.]

He has really no leads to follow up on this, really, or to have this theory, but he thinks it’s right.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

He has done some conspiracy theory board before coming here, because he’s on the look for Flick the alchemist who is a disgrace to the profession of alchemy. He’s also standing, uh…

[Heisty detective music plays.]

He looks pretty much like he has always looked except somehow younger despite the fact that he’s a skeleton, so I don't know how a skeleton…

Hallie

[Amused.] He’s still a skeleton.

Kyle

You’re just a little more polished.

Ari

He also has a goatee somehow. He also has long hair that’s straight from his skeleton scalp, and doesn’t wear glasses. So, he’s young and hip even though he’s old at heart, and he also has a little journalist notebook where he is writing his detectiving things next to the punch.

Kyle

Tragically, this is pre-sunglasses, so he can’t be too hip.

Ari

It is pre-sunglasses, yeah.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Fascinating. A closed bank, a closed bank… You don’t happen to know anything about this, do you?

Kyle

Mateo… we’ll say Quique is right to his right. He looks to his left and he talks to a pider that is just hanging from the ceiling.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Smiles.] The camera pans.

Kyle

Because I have the skill of interacting with creatures, and I have the ability talks to creatures, which means I can get a pretty good idea of what animals are thinking.

Hallie

Okay. The pider responds.

Hallie (as pider) 

Reh-dip. Reh-dip… reh-dip.

Hallie

And the general gist you get is “I don’t fucking know, I’m a pider.”

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Hmm. Fascinating. Fascinating. Well, I suppose I’m gonna have to…

Kyle

Looks at Quique. Looks him up and down.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Looks like I’ll have to find out myself. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Kyle

I want to walk behind Quique. Can we say that Quique has some sort of alchemy thing on him, that like, I’ve kind of figured out that he works with alchemists?

Ari

Yeah. Maybe even within his notebook. He’s writing the clues on one side of the page and on the other he has a lot of alchemy formulas.

[Silly sneaky music plays.]

Kyle

Picking this out, I want to walk by and just effortlessly pickpocket from Quique some sort of alchemy thing. Let’s say there’s like the alchemist’s coin or something.

Hallie

Yeah, they all have a membership card. If you’re an alchemist, you have a card.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] A punch card?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yeah, a punch card!

Kyle

I want to try to steal his punch card, which would be Sneak.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari

Can I roll an opposing thing to see if I notice or is he being super sneak?

Kyle

How I typically do it is, if one of us is kind of doing something on the other person, I roll against his stats.

Ari

Hmm, okay.

Kyle

I have a Slick of 0, Ari has a Slick of 2, so that would be a -2 to my roll.

Hallie

I got you. Okay.

Kyle

Technically, actually, I should roll with advantage because I’m using my finger-yes gloves which are my signature item.

Hallie

You are using your finger-yes gloves. Imagine, a thing that bears your fingers to the air helping you in a thieving roll.

Kyle

No, it’s the opposite. So, finger-less gloves…

Hallie

Oh my god, that’s right, it’s just fingers. Finger-yes. Never mind. Yeah, take your thing.

Kyle

Yeah, finger-yes, only cover the fingers.

Ari

[Smiling.] I hate it.

Hallie

Take your point.

Kyle

Because I’m using that, I’m using Books, which is +2, which equals out Ari’s.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

And I get to roll with advantage.

[Rolls.] That means I get a 10 overall.

Hallie

Okay. I guess you take Quique’s membership card. You have gotten your quarry. Quique doesn’t notice because he is just too enthralled.

Ari

With the mystery. Can I… hmm. He doesn’t notice Mateo stealing anything, but if he passes by his side, he does that thing like in One Hundred and One Dalmatians where Perdita just looks at Pongo where he passes, like… huh.

Hallie

Like you’re checking him out?

Ari

Yeah, because he’s aromantic but he’s not asexual.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Kyle

“I don’t want to date this guy, but you know, I’m willing to do other things.”

Ari

Exactly.

Hallie

It is a welcome break from the conversation you were having which is going something like…

Hallie (as ???) 

[Deep breath.] So then I pained again on Tuesday, and I still wasn’t done, so I went back on Wednesday, and I still wasn’t done so I went back on Thursday.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie (as ???) 

And then I took a break.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as ???) 

But I still wasn’t done because I took a break.

Hallie

And you really wish Michelangelo would shut up about the frickin’ Sistine Chapel.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yeah, I knew it was Michelangelo. I was going to say is this Michelangelo.

Hallie

Yeah, he’s a real drip. Then he notices you glancing over when someone else passes, and then he’ll add:

Hallie (as Michelangelo) 

Ah, am I boring you?

Ari (as Quique) 

Huh? Oh, you’re talking to me. Ah!

Hallie (as Michelangelo)

Oh god, I am boring you. You didn’t even know I was talking to you.

Ari (as Quique) 

No-no, you’re not boring at all, I just, uh…

Hallie (as Michelangelo) 

This happens all the time. It’s just, I’ve talked to a ceiling for such a long time that I forgot how to talk to a real person. Maybe this is why they made me paint the ceiling in the first place.

Ari (as Quique) 

No, I totally was fascinated by your talk about paintings. Were you ever commissioned to paint a bank? Medici’s bank, for instance.

Hallie (as Michelangelo) 

Like, paint a picture of the bank or paint inside the bank?

Ari (as Quique) 

Paint inside the bank. Like, do you know how long—

Hallie (as Michelangelo) 

Okay, because the answer is no to both, so I don’t actually know why I bothered to ask. But you know what, Raphael designed the doors, so you could talk to him.

Ari

Are there gonna be just Ninja Turtles in the Medici…?

Hallie

Yeah. Yeah. All four, yeah. Raphael is not even from the right time period, but I don't care.

Kyle

Listen, they could be dead.

Hallie

We could be in the Hereafter. I didn’t specify.

[Silly sad music plays.]

Hallie (as Michelangelo) 

Yeah, Raphael, he designed the doors. They hired him. He did a good job. I think they should have some color on them, but I also don’t really… you know, I’ve got the whole chapel to do, so it’s not like I’d have time anyway. If you want to… Raphael’s more interesting anyway. You can go… yeah, yeah, you can ask him about the doors.

Ari

I might be a dick and…

Hallie

You’re already gone?

[Laughs.] In the middle of Michelangelo’s sentence?

Ari

Yes.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Music changes to bombastic rock.]

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah, I didn’t even need the tools, just… the image came to me. You know?

Hallie

Raphael is just regaling a crowd with the story of how he punched a rock into the sculpture. Hang on, let Hallie google…

Ari

What Raphael does?

Hallie

Who did the David statue? God damn it!

Kyle

That was Michelangelo.

Hallie

I know! That was Michelangelo! Agh!

Ari

It’s the same guy.

Hallie

It’s the same guy.

Ari

Is Raphael taking credit for Michelangelo’s work?

Hallie

You know what? That’s intrigue we’re throwing in here now!

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah, so the shape just came to me in a dream, and so I punched it into the rock and it was like divinity itself was channeling through it into my hands, and I named that statue… David.

Ari

He’s gonna approach and sigh at this less than riveting conversation to see if he can get anything from this guy.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, so you’re the kind of artist that does it with your fists? That’s really impressive.

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah! Yeah.

Ari (as Quique) 

I’ve heard that you also worked on the door of the bank. Did you also punch that door into existence? I’m really curious as somebody that has some artistic interests.

[Silly music begins.]

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Ah, you’re an artist too? What do you do? What do you art?

Ari (as Quique) 

[Stammers.] Oh, I… you know, I was, uh… I was really into Claymation.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Wow, that’s like a less manly form of sculpture. My art, I just give it the old one-two.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah. Did you also do that with the bank’s door?

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah-yeah. I did the old one-two that time because I made two doors. There’s one in the front and one in the back.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, that’s very, very…

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah, it was real smart.

Ari (as Quique) 

Very impressive.

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah, they didn’t want a back door, because they were like “why would a bank need a back door, that’s for criminals,” and I was like, no-no-no, you need two doors, I can’t do the old one-two if there’s not two doors.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah. Do you always do things in pairs?

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah I do. Sometimes it’s the old three-four, but sometimes it’s a pair. You know, life’s better when you’ve got a pair.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I could maybe see that. I’m not very into pairings myself.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Oh, you didn’t bring a date to the wedding or anything like that?

Ari (as Quique) 

Nah, I’m not really into that. I work solo on my, um… on my life.

Hallie

[Amused.] “I work solo on my life.”

Hallie (as Raphael) 

So just the one then?

Ari (as Quique) 

Just the one.

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Just the one?

Ari (as Quique) 

Just the one. The one is how I operate.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Hallie

Mateo, what are you doing?

Kyle

I’m gonna say, as he leaves…

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Mateo just around the corner is trying to mimic Quique’s grimace.

Ari

Why?!

Kyle

He looks down at the little business coin which we’ll say has a picture emblazoned on it but this one is just Quique dead-faced, so he’s just trying to replicate it, talking to himself.

Kyle (as Mateo) Aurelio, Aurelio, Aurelio. People sure like talking to you, Mr. Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.

Kyle

Reading from the coin.

Ari

Mm-hmm.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

But who is it that “you” wish to talk to?

Kyle

I’ve spent this time, even though I am a vampire, hence having flesh, with a third eye, because our hair is similar I’m doing my best to look like Quique.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

I wanna use Stumbling Into Adventure. I can try to find a particular character, creature, or general direction forward. I wanna find what Quique’s looking for.

Hallie

Hell yeah.

Kyle

So I’m gonna roll with Heart.

[Rolls.] And that’s a failure.

Hallie

Nice.

Kyle

So I find something worse.

Hallie

You find something worse than what Quique’s after.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah.

Ari

You find Lionel.

Kyle

“Heyyy!”

Hallie

Heyyy! I’m Lionel! This is his voice!

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Hey! Quique, buddy!

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Quique, what are you doing over there?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Chuckling nervously.] Well, hello there.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Ah…!

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Growing into a growl.] Ah…!

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Ah! Quique, you’re such a jokester. Do you like, uh… Do you like—

Hallie

And for the first time you realize that Lionel is wearing dark glasses that he has not taken off, but he flips them.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

I got kind of a headache, and it was just so splitting. The light was aggravating my migraine here, so I invented these nifty things to block out the light called sunglasses. Aren’t they nice?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh-ho, well, my dear… chum, they are…

Kyle

And I look at the coin and I make a dead, angry grimace.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

…absolutely fantastic.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Ha! Quique, these make it real hard to see, but I can see that smirk through anywhere. How have you been, chum?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You know, things have… things have been going quite well. I was just… I’ve forgotten what it was I was looking for.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

You forgot? Quique, you’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your body, which it isn’t always because you lose it all the time. Ah-ha!

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Because I’m a skeleton, yes, exactly.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Because you’re a skeleton! I’m a skeleton. You get it? It’s skeleton humor.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Ah, yeah…

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yes, we are fellow skeletons.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Yeah. There’s really good punch. Did you see Michelangelo’s over there? Raphael’s here. Leonardo’s here. Donatello’s here. The whole gang is here.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

My stomach growls when I hear Michelangelo, not out of “ooh, I want something to eat,” but out of, like, I know I will starve if I go by him. Like, it is active un-eating when I am by Michelangelo.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yes, the whole gang there. Chum, ol’ friend, um… by chance is that who we’re here to talk to, or…?

Hallie (as Lionel) 

What?

Kyle

I wanna roll See Into the Heart to see if this guy has any idea what’s going on.

Hallie

Okay. Okay.

Ari

The answer will surprise you.

Kyle

[Rolls.] I fail, so uh…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

The GM asks you a simple question on behalf of your target.

Hallie

Well, your target currently thinks you’re Quique, so Lionel’s question is just… You wanna come over later this week? Wanna come play some Canasta?

Kyle

He can tell that this person he is talking to really has no interest in ever seeing him again.

Hallie (as Lionel) 

Quique, you’re such a jokester. So I’ll see you Friday then.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ha-ha, yes, I’ll see you on Friday for…

Hallie (as Lionel) 

For Canasta, the thing I just invited you to.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Empty chuckle.] Right, yes, Canasta. I will see you then. You know what? Why don’t you invite Michelangelo?

Hallie (as Lionel) 

You know, Quique, I’m a really nice guy… I don’t think I can have Michelangelo in my house.

Ari

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Consider it a request from your good friend Mate-e-ye… ye-yo.

Kyle

Catching himself at the last minute, Mateo spins his blunder into yet another gift for Quique.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You know what? We’re such good friends, I don't think Quique is a good enough nickname. Consider it a request from your good friend Yeyo.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Upbeat exploration music begins.]

Kyle

I have no leads, so I guess I’ll go to Donatello.

Ari

Are we finding any information from these turtles?

Kyle

I’m gonna go to Donatello, nervously pacing and scratching my eyeball, or right next to my third eyeball, because something interesting is around the corner.

Hallie

It’s weird that you think something interesting around the corner, because Donatello… he’s sitting there, he’s reading a book.

Ari

Is he eating pizza?

Hallie

He’s been social for a while and he’s out there for a breather. He’s away from the crowd just chillaxing.

Kyle

Alright, I’m gonna walk up.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah, Donatello, was it?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Oh, you do know my name.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Of course I know your name. I know everyone here. May I take a seat next to you, friend?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

[Stammers, uncertain.] Okay.

Hallie

He scooches.

Kyle

I’m gonna sit down next to Donatello.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch your name.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh yes, my apologies. My name is Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Aurelio, it’s nice to meet you. You already know my name, that’s why you said it.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Absolutely. I am, uh… ooh.

Kyle

Looking at the coin.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I am a gold star alchemist, and I am fascinated in your work, my friend.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

In my work? As a sculptor?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yes. Yes, your work. You know, I was just talking to a friend about… What was it? Your work in the um, in the… Something about this event was reminding me of it.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

I do a lot of work for the Medicis.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh right, yes, the Medici Bank. Didn’t you do something there?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

The bank? Yeah, I did the doors.

Ari

What?

Kyle

Mateo’s eye, which was going to flame up, just shuts abruptly.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Forcing calm.] Oh… I see. Well, fine work as always. They look fantastic. Have a great day, Donatello.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

You don’t want to hear more about my doors? Because you know, when I said I think that you should have some side doors, like some doors on the side, they weren’t too keen on that. They said something about criminals, and I was like… but it’s weird to have just the front and the back. What if there’s a fire?

Kyle

As he says that, a flame emerges from Mateo’s forehead eye.

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

I’m gonna just quickly grab a hat from someone walking by to cover my head with it.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Side doors, you say?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Yeah, side doors. There’s two on the sides, and those are the ones that I made.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

But I thought Raphael was in charge of doors?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

He only says that because he got to design the front door, and the back door.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

But you’re saying the side doors… Side door. Never underestimate the side things.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Never underestimate the side door. You know, a lot of people… You go in the bank the front way if you’re a customer or if you’re doing like a holdup, but like, if you need to get out because somebody’s doing a holdup, the side doors are the best way because everyone’s gonna run to the back door and close that off, but you don’t expect a side door. Because I’m such a good sculptor, I even blended them in with the masonry so they don’t even look like real doors.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Blended them in with the masonry?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Yes, because I am so good.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Because of all sorts of holdups and bandits and thieves.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Yeah, so they can’t get in that way.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Of course. Of course.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

But you can get out that way, and so it’s a secret. It increases safety, which I keep telling the Medicis is really important, and there’s artistry in making something blend into the wall. Raphael does his punch, I blend.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You certainly do. You certainly do, friend. Hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm. What were you planning?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Me? I wasn’t planning anything. I’m just making doors.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, right.

Kyle

Mateo, who is looking at the coin of Quique’s grim face, just closes it back up.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yes, of course. You weren’t planning anything. Well, you were planning the side doors. A fantastic job you did with those, by the by.

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Thank you. People don’t notice them because I explicitly made them unnoticeable, just like me.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, I notice them, and I notice you. You know, my good friend is planning a party, actually.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You should ask Michelangelo all about it.

Ari

Why are you doing that?

Hallie (as Donatello) 

Michelangelo got an invite before I did?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

He really needed a win.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Last announcement break I had talked about Future in a Flash. If you don’t remember, Future in a Flash is the Flashback Future spinoff series that I release every Friday, each episode is about 5-10 minutes, and our fans over on the Discord, which can include you, decide what happens next. I just wanted to quickly let you know that, after hearing everyone’s requests, I have put Future in a Flash up on every major podcasting app, so you can find it linked on our website or the podcasting app of your choice.

That’s all I’ve got for you today. We will continue with the second half of Quique’s flashback, whatever I end up naming this, next time. If you’d like additional short stories, podcasts, or behind the scenes insights, you can find them at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Silly ambling music carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie

Meanwhile, Quique, you’ve approached Leonardo da Vinci.

Ari

I have.

Hallie

Not to… yes, da Vinci.

Kyle

Leonardo da Turtle.

Hallie

Leonardo da Turtle. You can’t tell if he’s a turtle or a da Vinci, you just don’t know.

Ari

You just don’t know. Maybe both.

Hallie

Maybe both. The lighting is…

Kyle

A vinci is a very unknown type of dead.

Hallie

The lighting is dark here. Leonardo also has a sketchbook like you do.

Ari

Ah, okay. Quique will approach the last one of the crew.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] The last one of the crew.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hello, my dear sir, Leonardo. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance. You’re very famous on the artist circles, particularly with your very intriguing form of art where you don't know if your art is smiling or your art is sad but it is beautiful either way. What secrets is it hiding? Specifically, the one that I have more of an intrigue in is your art within the banks of the Medici.

Ari

I’m trying to do some flattery to see if that gets me anywhere.

Hallie

Luckily for you, Leonardo da Vinci is a fucking sap.

Kyle

These are very sad men.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.] These are very sad men, these Renaissance men. I didn’t intend to be them that way, but here they are.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Oh, you know my work?

Hallie

He’s British now.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I am quite familiar with, you know, your very secretive works.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes, I do quite a bit of secretive work, I, Leonardo da Vinci. I did some work for the Medici Bank—not my best, admittedly, but it’s hard to make locks true artistry. These are my inventions.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, so you invented the locks.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

I did. I made the locks for all four doors in that bank.

Ari (as Quique) 

Four doors?

Ari

Quique’s gonna do the math meme a little bit and look at his notebook.

Ari (as Quique) 

What do you mean four doors? Wasn’t there a front and a back door? The old one-two?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes, the old one-two. I assume you’ve been talking to Raphael. He’s very fond of the front door and the back door, but I hear tell there were two other doors designed as well. Actually, I don’t hear tell, I just know because I made the locks for them.

Kyle

I was gonna say, you designed the locks.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

I designed the locks. I’m tricky like that.

[Silly investigation music begins.]

These other doors are located on the side. You can’t see them from the outside. Some of Donatello’s best work. He’s very good at blending in.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm, intriguing. So is it a possibility that, even though the main front and back doors are locked, that other doors may not be locked and people do not know it? How fancy and secretive are your locks?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Trust me, those doors are locked.

Ari (as Quique) 

All four doors are locked.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

All four doors are locked. My locks, they cannot be picked.

Ari (as Quique) 

Cannot be picked?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

They cannot be picked.

Ari (as Quique) 

Are they fully unpickable?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Well, I am Leonardo da Vinci. You would need the key to get through those.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, the key you say. I assume the Medicis usually keep the key. Is it a key that cannot be replicated by, say, alchemy arts?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Hmm… Your pondering makes me very curious, friend.

Ari (as Quique) 

I assume you have some insider knowledge about all of these things, you, the great Leonardo.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

This I do, but I will only share it with a fellow alchemist.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah! Well, you are in luck because…

Ari

And Quique’s gonna try to get into his pocket and be like:

Ari (as Quique) 

I am such a renowned alchemist.

[Music ends.]

Ari

And then it’s gonna be like the little exclamation points like on an anime. The question like, eh, eh, looking through his pocket frantically.

Ari (as Quique) 

Well, you see, uh… the alchemist’s coins are outdated.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

What?

Ari (as Quique) 

You know, not everybody carries them anymore now.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

What?!

Ari (as Quique) 

Now, in order to know that you’re a true alchemist, you have to say the code word “fullmetal.”

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

There’s a code word?!

Ari (as Quique) 

The code word, fullmetal, which I have said.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

But the point of alchemy is to make things not fullmetal.

Ari (as Quique) 

Which proves that I am in fact an alchemist of great renown.

Ari

I want to use Why Would I Lie to…

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

[Indignant.] They’ve changed the rules on me!

Ari

…to change the rules on alchemy.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

The code, the code… They’ve changed the rules. This is simply…

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah. The point is, as a fellow member of the alchemical arts, I can partake in the secrets.

Ari

He’s going to do eyebrows raised even though he’s a skeleton and doesn’t have eyebrows.

Kyle

Whoa. Wait, wait, wait. So you have a mullet, and you have facial hair, but we’re drawing the line at eyebrows?

Ari

Correct.

Kyle

[Laughing.] Eyebrows are just a step too far.

Ari

Yes. Correct.

Kyle

Okay. I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.

Ari

We are all on the same page.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

A true brother in the alchemical brotherhood. Yes, yes, with you I will share my secrets.

Ari

[Hushed, aggressive.] “Tell me your secrets.”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

[Lighthearted investigation music begins.]

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Although I was not privy to the making, I do hear that, in addition to the four keys that unlock each of the doors, there is one master key that unlocks all four.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ooh, a master key.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes, a true masterpiece of alchemy. This master key took parts from all four preexisting keys and melded them into one.

Ari (as Quique) 

Intriguing. Can that key be replicated, that master key?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Whether that key, itself a replica of many other keys, can be replicated is a Medici family secret. You see, the custody of the bank changes every few weeks, a new Medici child is given responsibility, and so it’s never quite certain which of the Medicis has the master key at any given point.

Ari (as Quique) 

Intriguing. Did the ownership change coincide with the bank being closed, perhaps?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

I do believe you’ve made that connection. A true alchemist, you are.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I have the alchemist brain.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Love the alchemist brain. This could be our new handshake. It’s not really a handshake, but we could add this to the code.

Ari (as Quique) 

That can be added to the fullmetal.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

We can add this. You have to say fullmetal…

Ari (as Quique) 

Fullmetal.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

…doing this.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah!

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes. Yes.

Kyle

They’re tapping their temples and pointing at the screen, for everyone.

Hallie

Yes. Oh, for the listeners who aren’t…

Ari

Oh, oops!

Hallie

…who can’t see the thing that Ari and I are doing.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes. Yes. This is good. Alchemy grows stronger as a discipline every day.

Ari (as Quique) 

And it shall grow even bigger, except for the tenant of not making gold.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Of not making gold. The day someone figures out how to turn metal into gold is the day glasses are invented that block out the sun.

Ari (as Quique) 

That is a tenant that some people in our arts have not followed correctly. If you happen to hear if the key is in the possession of a certain Flick, you should let me know.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Anything for my fullmetal brother. Ha, ha, ha. Yes, yes. I do hope to see you again. Word on the street is there’s a party on Friday hosted by, um… Oh dear. What was the name that I was told? Aurelio Quique Hueso Canaca?

Ari

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

What?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes, yes, he’s hosting a party I believe.

Ari (as Quique) 

Who told you this?! Was it Flick?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

No, no. Although Flick is I think going.

Ari (as Quique) 

What?!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Who told you this?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

I was told by Michelangelo.

Ari (as Quique) 

What?! Uh… thank you, this has been a very productive conversation. I have to undo some damage created by somebody worse than the alchemic damage that creating gold can make.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Wait, wait, tell me your name so I can invite you to the party.

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh… no, that’s okay, I don’t… I’m just gonna see what is going on with this party. It’s nonexistent, by the way. Spread the word. Tell your friends. There’s no party hosted.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

What? But if I didn’t know about the code being changed today and this party was a fake…

Ari (as Quique) 

No, it’s a ruse.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

…what’s real anymore?

Ari (as Quique) 

I don't know. I am sorry for shattering your world view in such a way. You should channel this energy to make some more creative diagrams about things like the human body, I don't know. Just channel this energy.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Now I have to draw the human body with a no party sign through it for Friday?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes, please. Share that. Tell your friends.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

No party. There’s no party on Friday.

Hallie

Leonardo has become the town crier. He’s going around. He’s really killing the mood—not as much as Michelangelo does by just speaking, but he is killing the mood.

Ari

Excellent. Quique will also start screaming that there’s no party on Friday even though he crashed the wedding.

Hallie

As he walks away.

Ari

So nobody would even know who this guy is.

Hallie

Nobody even knows him here because he wasn’t invited.

Ari

No. he’s still just saying there’s no party on Friday, please do not come.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

It would be quite inconvenient if people went to your abode right after a big heist, wouldn’t it?

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh…

[Sexy spy music begins.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I will say, Yeyo, you did not really strike me as the “thieving” type.

Ari

Quique will turn, like “oh,” looking at Mateo, like “mmm,” still checking him out but also—

Hallie

“Mmm.”

Kyle

I’m where Leonardo was. I’m just in his seat where he was sitting earlier, just flicking the coin through my fingers as I talk.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Can’t you alchemists just spin whatever nonsense into gold anyway?

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Where did you get that coin, my sir?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, this coin?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes, mister…?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, today I believe I’m going by Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca.

Ari (as Quique) 

Excuse me? There’s only one of me and it is not you. I am the real Aurelio. Where did you get this coin? Are you the true thieving type?

Ari

And he’s thinking a little bit like Squidward, “oh no, he’s hot,” as he approaches him.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

So he’s gonna back up a little bit.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, you’re certainly not the detective type.

Ari (as Quique) 

I’m not the detective type? Sir, please, I have a lot of hints and notes. Why did you even steal my coin anyway? Are you the one that has been saying there’s a party at my house? Do I know you? Are you in cahoots with Flick?

Kyle

Mateo, who at this point was getting kind of bored, perks up at the name Flick.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Am I…? I just assumed you were in cahoots with Flick.

Ari (as Quique) 

That “I” was in cahoots with Flick? I hate that guy. He likes to turn things into gold, and that is one of the negative rules of alchemy. You can’t make things into gold.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah, yes-yes-yes, definitely no ulterior motives that bring you here. Right? Pure invitation, all of that?

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. I would like to see your invitation as well, mister nameless. You’re asking a lot of questions and you don’t seem to be answering any of mine. I hope this doesn’t become a trend or anything.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yes, yes, yes. I will say, despite all of your, um… assertiveness, sir, I did in fact have a date here. So, you know, already taken on that front.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Classical stuffy music begins.]

Kyle

I want to do a cutaway gag to at the punch bowl: the Mona Lisa but with a sad frown, silently drinking punch to herself.

Hallie

[Splutters.]

Kyle

Because I forgot as a vampire I have to be invited in.

Hallie

Oh my god, that’s right.

Ari

Oh, that’s right. I love that I referenced the Mona Lisa as one of Leonardo’s art and now there’s an actual Mona Lisa. Well, I guess technically there was a model.

Kyle

I was her rebound after Leonardo, but I just needed her to get in.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm… hmm.

Ari

Quique will blush, not blush, because it’s not like… hmm. An “oh no, he’s hot” kind of thing at the mention of a date. Like, “oh, I would like to ‘date,’ and like ‘chill,’ if you know what I mean.”

Hallie

“If you know what I mean.”

Ari

But he is actually just gonna say:

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, yes, so you did come as a plus-one. What makes you think that I didn’t come as a plus-one?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, I’m pretty sure he’s the reason why not.

[Childlike waltz music begins.]

Kyle

I want to spend 1 AP to make something appear in the scene.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari

Is it gonna be Lionel?

Kyle

Whoever is in charge of the guest list I want to be charging up to Quique because he has now heard that Aurelio Enrique Hueso Canaca, who was not invited, is at this party.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

As he walks up, I’ll just say:

Kyle (as Mateo) 

If you’d like to talk more, I’ll catch you once you, um, take care of whatever this is.

Ari (as Quique) 

We’re not done talking here, sir!

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, but I believe we are!

Ari (as Quique) 

I still don’t know your name!

Hallie (as attendant) 

Excuse me? Excuse me? Hi, uh, Aurelio Hueso Canaca? Oh, I’m sorry, I probably didn’t get the whole name. Sorry, I’m such a mess right now.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, that’s actually, um… that’s not me. You see that guy that just left over there? He has an introduction coin with his name on it. Kind of weird guy. Who carries their ID in a coin? Right?

Hallie (as attendant) 

Oh. That’s Aurelio Hueso Canaca? Okay.

[Stammers.] Mr. Canaca!

Kyle

As he says “has a coin,” I’m gonna look back at Quique, wink, wave my fingers, and spend another AP to say that I slipped the coin back into Quique’s pocket.

Ari

How many AP do you have?!

Kyle

I have 3, baby!

Ari

Why?!

Kyle

Because I started with 1 and I failed two rolls.

Ari

Oh, that’s right.

Kyle

I’ll use up both of these to count it as an insta-success.

Ari

[Grumbles.]

Kyle

Actually, can I say that I slipped it the equivalent of behind Quique’s ear?

Hallie

Oh my god. It just clatters to the ground.

Ari (as Quique) 

I’m upset at how clever that was.

Ari

Quique will say under his breath.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Fuck, that was so clever.

Hallie (as attendant) 

Um, um… I’m really confused. So, you are really Hueso Canaca?

Ari (as Quique) 

Listen, kid. You seem like you’re really doing a great job here in this really thankless job ushering the wedding. I’m really, I’m really, um…

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as attendant) 

Yeah, it is really a thankless job.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I think you’re doing great doing all of these due diligence, asking people if their name is Aurelio whatever-whatever.

Hallie (as attendant) 

Oh, well no, that’s who I’m looking for. So—

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s great. You’re doing great due diligence here. I admire a hardworking individual such as yourself. I will help you look for this interloper. If you go in one direction and I go in this other direction, we can both find the culprit, the person that isn’t supposed to be at the party.

Hallie (as attendant) 

Oh my gosh, so you will help me?

Ari (as Quique) 

Who apparently is hosting a party, which I think also should be stopped, so if you ask people around if they know this guy, you should also tell them that there’s no party, that he is not hosting any party either.

Hallie (as attendant) 

But you will help me find the culprit?

Ari (as Quique) 

I will! I will, for sure. It’s all good, kid.

Hallie (as attendant) 

Thank goodness, okay. Because when I lost the key, I just didn’t… I just—

Ari (as Quique) 

You lost the key? You lost what key?

Hallie (as attendant) 

I just didn’t know that it went… you know. I just didn’t know where it went.

Ari (as Quique) 

What’s your name, kid?

Hallie (as attendant) 

Oh! I didn’t introduce myself. Sorry. Luigi, Luigi Medici.

Ari

[Amused.] Luigi Medici.

Ari (as Quique) 

Luigi Medici?

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Yeah, my twin, Medici Medici, is the one who got married today.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh yeah, that was a lovely wedding. It seems—

Hallie (as Luigi) 

I’m the best man. That’s why I’m running everywhere.

Kyle

Fuck you. Fuck you!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.

Hallie

I didn’t want to just take Mario, so I made him Medici Medici. Luigi Medici was too good to pass up.

Ari

[Amused.] Luigi Medici. Okay.

[Silly music begins.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I am not the skeleton you’re looking for, but…

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Oh, you aren’t? Because Leonardo da Vinci highly recommended you.

Ari (as Quique) 

Me?

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Uh-huh, just a few seconds ago. He came and he was asking about keys and I got really, really nervous because, um… because, um…

Hallie

And he’s gonna pull you to a shadowy corner.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

See, it was my turn to watch the key, and I lost it.

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm? You lost the key? Don’t worry, kid, I will help you find both the interloper to this party and your key, for free! How awesome is that?

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Really? Because I was gonna offer you so much money from the bank.

Ari (as Quique) 

Well, if there’s any, um… you know. Did I say free? You know, it’s free, but like, donations for good work are always appreciated in this day and age.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Okay. What I can offer you, though, is that I won’t kick you out of this party, because you’re not technically on the guest list. I’m sorry. That’s what my dad told me.

Ari (as Quique) 

[Stammers.] Oh. What?

Ari

Is he holding the guest list right now?

Hallie

Yeah. His hands are just sweating so hard holding these floppy wet papers in his hand.

Ari

Can I take a look at the guest list to say a random name that’s in there? Like, “that’s me.”

Hallie

Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle

“My name is Wadici Medici.”

[Laughter.]

Ari

Wadici Medici. I almost said that.

Kyle

I came here with my brother, Waludici.

Ari

Waludici.

Ari (as Quique) 

My name is Lionel, Lionel Canaca.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Lionel… Canaca? Okay, so… I’m really sorry.

[Stammers.] So you’re not Aurelio…? Okay, okay.

Ari (as Quique) 

No-no-no, that’s not me. Yeah, sorry for the misunderstanding. It’s confusing because, from what I understand, he’s also a skeleton. I know it’s a little bit confusing with us not having a lot of distinguishing features being bone and all. We have to be based on clothing and other such things. I am in fact Lionel Canaca, the one skeleton that is in the guest list, if you can see it here. Yeah, I am not the culprit that you’re looking for.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Uh-uh…?

Ari (as Quique) 

But uh… definitely, it is me.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Lionel.

Ari (as Quique) 

Anyways, kid, I will help you find your key.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Yeah, my key, my key!

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes, that’s the important thing, that’s the thing.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

To the bank I—

Ari (as Quique) 

You seem like a really good hardworking kid. As I say, you’re doing great, and all I want is to help you, so help me help you by helping me with finding your key.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

That sounds like a lot of help, and that’s honestly what I need.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes. So, any place where you saw your key last? If it was while walking next to somebody called Flick or next to a very good-looking but also kind of mysterious-looking individual with a tendency to pickpocket, you should tell me those details, kid.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Um, well, well…

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Let’s see. I had it before the wedding, and then I think that I felt it in my pocket during the toasts.

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You had it there, you had it there.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

You know, when we were all toasting my brother, Medici Medici. And um, um… I think I went around to greet everybody, and then after that I felt my pocket and didn’t have it anymore.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, so it was when you were greeting people.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Uh-huh.

Ari (as Quique) 

I see. So there is a chance that there might have been some pickpocketing from either Flick or that other mysterious individual, or it just fell through the floor.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Oh god, what if it fell through the floor? Oh no, I’m never gonna… That’s the only master key we have. I mean, we have the other four original keys, but I don't know where those are. If we don’t have the master key to get in, that’s like… egh. It’s just that the bank has been closed because I’ve been too nervous to open it. I didn’t really want to be in charge of the bank for this week. Usually it’s my twin brother, Medici Medici, but they were like, Luigi, you gotta step up, and I was like, okay, and… and I did, and look what happened.

Ari

[Chuckles.]

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Although, I guess maybe if I had just opened the bank none of this would have happened. Just, you know, there’s like a lot of money in there. A lot of it is my family’s, but some of it belongs to other people. You know, finance is a really delicate system. A lot of things can really upset the financial balance of an institution.

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

These are all things you don’t really need to know but I need to know because I’ve been learning them over the last several days when I had to take responsibility of the bank.

Ari (as Quique) 

Sir, I’m an accountant.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

I want my specialty…

Hallie

Roll! Roll to lie that you’re an accountant. I am holding you to this.

Ari

I want my skill for this adventure to be…

Hallie

Oh god damn it! Fine!

Ari

…be an accountant, just to land that joke.

Hallie

Fine!

Ari

“See, when you have money…”

Hallie

Quique’s skill is in accounting today.

Kyle

You’re the accountant, the official accountant for the alchemist coven.

Hallie

The alchemist coven.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

An alcountant.

Ari

An alcountant.

Hallie

That sounds like an owl accountant.

Kyle

An acchemist.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I understand the way a financial system can be toppled as an alcountant, an alchemist accountant.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Especially when people try to dabble in things like making gold and then making fake gold that is not the actual pure gold, and then the system can be fully upended by those things. So, I fully understand the problem. You’re telling me that the bank wasn’t open all along because you didn’t open it?

Hallie (as Luigi) 

That’s… uh-huh, yeah.

Ari

I’m gonna make a note on my thing.

Ari (as Quique) 

That’s fine, but you still lost the key, so I think that there’s something going on here, something afoul. I think somebody might have taken that key on purpose to do some mysterious things. So, I will help, I will help look for this key.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Thank you! Thank you, Lionel.

Ari (as Quique) 

[Startled.] What?

Uh, yes, yes that’s me. Yes, correct.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Lionel. Okay.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, that’s me. Again, if you find the actual interloper of this party, or if you’re looking for him, please spread the word that there isn’t any party that he’s hosting. He should not be hosting any parties when he’s not invited to weddings. That’s against the law of weddings.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Oh yes, Mr. Canaca, yes.

Ari (as Quique) 

You can’t host parties when you’re not invited to weddings.

Hallie (as Luigi) 

I can tell everybody that.

Ari (as Quique) 

Excellent. Thank you, my good sir, Luigi. I will start investigating where this key might be.

Ari

I want to look for Mateo to see if he pickpocketed a key.

Hallie

Where are you at, Mateo?

[Lighthearted investigation music begins.]

Kyle

As soon as Luigi turns away…

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You know, you fascinate me, thief.

Ari

[Laughing.] There’s a little “oh god, he’s right here.”

Kyle (as Mateo) 

The Medicis are just so immensely wealthy that, I mean, one wouldn’t need to do a heist if they simply accepted the fees that were presented for a key that presumably the thief had also stolen, so there must be something other than money.

Kyle

The flame is starting to burn a hole in the hat.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

There must be something other than money that you’re after.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. You fascinate me, too. You say good points, but you also are the thief.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Me? The thief? Absolutely not. I have no interest for money.

Ari (as Quique) 

[Not convinced.] Mm-hmm.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

What am I gonna buy with it, food? There are things far tastier here.

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh… hmm.

Ari

Winks at—

Kyle

[Chuckling.] Looking straight at Quique.

Ari

Quique will do a little wink at that flirt line that probably wasn’t a flirt line.

Kyle

This is just how Mateo is. Mateo just oozes the sexual energy. This is just who he is as a man.

Ari

I mean, he’s a vampire. They kind of…

Hallie

I was about to say, vampires are known for that.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, well, I guess for the purposes of solving this, since you also seem oddly interested in getting to the bottom of this bank mystery, but I also don’t fully trust you yet despite your flowery language… I think I will keep an eye on you. In order to do that, we can work together. That way, if you’re planning on doing something, I’ll have you. What do you say, mister…?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

M.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

He lifts up the hat and he winks with his burning eye.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

And you know, if you prove to be more useful and trustworthy yourself, maybe you’ll get the second letter.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. That’s a challenge that I accept, M.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Anyways. Yeyo, shall we away?

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh… what did you call me?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Uh, Yeyo.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeyo? Hmm. Intriguing, intriguing. You know my full name, but I’ll accept that name from you. It’s kind of funny, I have the long name and you have the very abridged one. Maybe we complement each other in this mystery.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] I’m gonna get super close, right next to your ear.

Ari

Oh boy.

Hallie

Hot.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

So, are you done flirting? Can we actually solve the case now?

[Laughter. Ghostly credits music begins.]

Ari

Quique will just get very hot temperature-wise, because as a skeleton you can’t sweat I guess, so he’s just all hot.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah… let’s do it.

[Music swells and carries to the outtakes.]

Hallie (as Raphael) 

Yeah, so the shape just came to me in a dream, and so I punched it into the rock and it was like divinity itself was channeling through it into my hands, and I named that statue… David.

Ari

Catching Up? Oh.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

I named it Catching Up.

Hallie (as Raphael) 

And then I thought… I could make a podcast.

Ari

Where you catch up to the statue.

Kyle

Catching Up David already exists in this universe! Hallie is in-universe a part of Catching Up David.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I am messing with the timeline so hard. History? What is it? I don't know.

--

Ari

Are we finding any information from these turtles?

Kyle

I really do want them to just be turtles and this is just never brought up until the very end. “You knock Michelangelo on his back and he’ stuck on his turtle shell.”

Hallie

And he can’t get there!

Kyle

Hear me out. Ari, you know alchemy. I want to turn these men into turtles.

Ari

Good.

Kyle

By the end of this adventure.

Ari

That is not one of the forbidden rules of alchemy.

Kyle

It’s not.

Ari

It’s not.

Kyle

Neither is inviting Michelangelo to your house. You’re welcome.

Ari

God. You just made life so much worse for Quique.

Kyle

Yep.

Hallie

Yep.

Ari

And he doesn’t even know it.

Kyle

Nope.

--

Hallie (as Luigi) 

Who’s your friend? What’s his name?

Kyle

I could say something that would be really cheesy and really bad.

Hallie

I support it.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I can’t lie to you about it. It’s, uh… you know, I have always wanted to call him Lionel, always wanted to call him that.

Kyle

Lionel just now goes by this fake nickname that Mateo made up for him decades ago because he likes Quique.

Ari

God.

Hallie

Surprise, it’s not his real name. He’s just Lionel now because Mateo…

Kyle

No.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

The tangled web.

Ari

So that’s not his actual name all along?

Hallie

The tangled web we weave.

--

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes, I do quite a bit of secretive work, I, Leonardo da Vinci.

Ari

Why does he sound like Alan Rickman?

Hallie

“Yes, I’m Alan Rickman Leonardo da Vinci. Am I a turtle? No one will know.”

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

He seemed quite despondent, and not because he was talking to Michelangelo at the beginning.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, everybody would turn a little bit despondent after that.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

Yes, that’s what I’m saying, it was a, uh… There’s a word for it and I’m a scientist and I know it. It was a, um…

Ari (as Quique) 

Conundrum?

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

I know this word and we’re going to sit here until I remember.

Ari (as Quique) 

So secretive and mysterious, Leonardo. You have the words for everything.

Hallie (as Leonardo) 

It was a, um… confounding factor. There we go!

Kyle

I like how this voice is steadily going from Alan Rickman to JFK from Clone High.

Hallie

[Smiling.] No. Shut up. It’s really consistent.

Ari

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys!

Hallie

To the Kennedys!