53. Quique's Golden Age (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Hallie

Quique and Mateo, why did you crash the wedding of Florence and Medici Medici?

Kyle

Mateo is standing there pretending to eat the snacks but in reality, as a vampire who feeds on intrigue, he’s feeding on all the juicy gossip.

Ari

Quique suspects that Flick the alchemist has something to do with the Bank of Medici closing.

Kyle

Mateo, who at this point was getting kind of bored, perks up at the name Flick.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Am I…? Well, I just assumed you were in cahoots with Flick.

Ari (as Quique) 

That “I” was in cahoots with Flick? I hate that guy. He likes to turn things into gold, and that is one of the negative rules of alchemy. You can’t make things into gold.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Anyways, Yeyo, shall we away?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, let’s do it.

[Music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

Hey Hallie, I wanna roll Stumbling Into Adventure.

Hallie

Okay. What does that do?

Kyle

If you want to find a particular character, creature or general direction forward, roll +Heart.

[Whimsical sneaky music.]

I want to just grab Quique by the arm and march off in a direction. We’ll say that Mateo grabs Quique with one arm and with the other hand starts itching his eye. I’m gonna say… I feed on intrigue, right, as a vampire, with my third eye.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

You know how you can smell delicious food?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

I wanna say that’s my Stumbling Into Adventure.

Hallie

You just smell the adventure intrigue?

Kyle

Yeah, I smell adventure.

Hallie

So you’re walking, I like to imagine with your mouth open… [Wide open mouth sounds.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

With Quique, around this courtyard Medici wedding.

Ari

Quique is a little taken by surprise, both by being in close proximity to this hot, hot man but also just by being grabbed so suddenly and forced to walk there. He’s just gonna be like:

Ari (as Quique) 

Agh, what? What are you doing? What is this? What is this?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

This is intrigue, mystery, getting the key.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, I get that, but what… Do you know where the key is?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Exhale.] Short answer? No. Medium answer? Yes, kind of. Long answer? Yes, but no, but yes.

Ari (as Quique) 

Are you always so succinct in your answers?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Chuckles.] I prefer to listen rather than talk.

Kyle

Says the most talkative fucking man in the session.

Hallie

[Snickers.] He’s a fucking hypocrite.

Ari (as Quique) 

Well, since you seem to have an innate maybe-yes-probably sense for where this key is, then I guess I will allow you to keep leading the way, but I’ll keep a close eye on you, despite I having just two and you having three.

Kyle

When you say keep a close eye on you, I’m gonna say…

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You’re not the only one.

Kyle

…as I scratch my eye. I wanna say, as I get closer, it doesn’t open up but it does get warmer, both physically but more… you know, kind of like hot itchy skin. I want to say that’s how it gets before it flames up. So like, the closer I get the more… it’s like a stomach growling almost.

Ari

Hmm.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Whispering.] Quique doesn’t know it, but the eye is looking at him.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Oh yes! Good! Quique is impressed by the deep… I don't know what color Mateo’s eyes are, but Quique likes.

Kyle

I’ll say… How about this? Since ghostly magic is blue, maybe he has deep blue eyes.

Ari

Ooh. Blue eyes, white skeleton, the pair of the century.

Kyle

Anyways, I gotta roll +Heart, and my Heart is +).

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Okay, cool, that’s good.

[Rolls.] Okay, that’s a 9.

Hallie

Oh, that’s a 9!

Kyle

That’s a 9!

Hallie

You got a mixed.

Kyle

I find what I’m looking for, but an obstacle prevents me from getting to it.

[Classical music begins.]

Hallie

Alright. This whole party is in a beautiful Italian courtyard because it’s the Medicis in a vague Renaissance area as I have decided, apparently. You come across an area that looks like this. I could have sent this map, but it’s much funnier if I just hold I tup to the screen.

Kyle

I was gonna say, like…

Hallie

Here’s the wedding. Do you see?

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

The people smiling are the couple and they’re dancing. That’s Medici Medici and Florence now Medici. They’re in the middle of the dancefloor which is a circle, and there’s all these tables.

Kyle

I know the heart is meant to represent love, but I like to believe it’s just a very small man in a heart costume.

Hallie

I was gonna say a Necromon.

Kyle

It’s like a child with the old man face. Can that be a Necromon?

Hallie

Child with old man face?

Kyle

Can the Renaissance babies…

Hallie

Creepy cherub? You want to make creepy cherub a Necromon?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay, fine. Creepy creep.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Hang on. Creepy cherub sounds like… Burach.

Ari

Burach?

Hallie

Burach. So people are like milling around all the Medicis, and there are some snack tables. Nothing seems totally amiss. People are a little drunk, a little rowdy, it’s a wedding reception. The couple is dancing and it’s a really, really sweet Renaissance song.

Kyle

Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. Cool.

Hallie

But what catches your eye—

Kyle

Yeah, the song is nice, but like…

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Because you’re into this for intrigue, what you notice is this weird little man.

[Laughter. Awkward music begins.]

Ari

He’s a weird little dude, just a weird little guy.

Kyle

Weird little guy.

Hallie

Just a weird little guy, crawling underneath all the wedding tables.

Kyle

I feel the need to note that before this session Hallie was like, hey, I have an NPC, what should I do to describe, I’m really worried. I said oh, just come up with one distinct detail, or two. Like, Indrid Cold has the smile and a yellow mustard shirt. Oset Scuba, he’s got his big coat and his green hair. Hallie’s interpretation was “weird little guy.”

Ari

A weird little guy!

Kyle

How little are we talking about here?

Hallie

Okay, like… he’s just a weird shifty little guy. Maybe he wouldn’t be weird and shifty if he wasn’t crawling underneath all the tables and peeking out underneath the tablecloth sometimes and then scurrying to the next one and then scurrying to the next one. People don’t seem to be paying attention to him because they’re watching the couple dance on the dancefloor, but he be scurrying. He’s sweaty, he’s nervous, he’s just a weird little guy. You know?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, that there is a strange diminutive fellow.

Ari (as Quique) 

I was thinking the same thing, a miniscule strange individual.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah, clever enough, but I had already said strange.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh, you did strange? A bizarre… a miniscule bizarre individual.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh-ho. An outlandish miniature homo sapien.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah.

Hallie

There you go.

Ari (as Quique) 

Una personita extraña. I can just do it in another language.

Hallie

[Snickers.] Suck on that, Mateo.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah-ha, klein seltsam Mann.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, German.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Chuckles.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm. I see you’re also a man of multiple languages. Interesting. You have many secrets.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh yes, oh yes. Indeed, indeed.

Ari (as Quique) 

Behind that gorgeous face of yours.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

As Quique says, you know, your beautiful face, I’m just gonna hold my hand up to him and say:

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, you think I’m beautiful? … I agree!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And I just slap him on the cheek before following the weird little guy.

Hallie

Alright. How are you following the weird little guy? Are you getting under the tables to chase after him or are you just, like…?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I guess you are the criminal, so you would know the answer, right?

Ari (as Quique) 

Eh… you’re not out of the woods yet on the criminal scale.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ari (as Quique) 

So, speaking as somebody who stole from me calling me a criminal…

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There it goes.

Ari (as Quique) 

No, no, no. This is not a criminal thing. This is an investigator thing.

Ari

I want to see, is there a way that I could have binoculars or something as a preparation for spying?

Kyle

It does feel like something you’d have at a party that we could just pull off of somebody.

Hallie

Oh yeah, you can just have binoculars. You’re at like a rich Medici snooty people wedding, so like…

Kyle

It’s gotta be the ones that are on the single hand.

Hallie

Yeah, if you wanna, like…

Ari

Can it be, you know, how like at weddings sometimes they give little souvenirs and stuff? Could it be the souvenir, these shitty binoculars?

Hallie

Souvenirs from the wedding that you weren’t invited to?

Ari

Yes.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

No, but I was, so I’m gonna say I have my gift bag from the Mona Lisa. I’m gonna use my cutaway gag there. We’re gonna say this is just a bag of party favors.

Hallie

Legit. Yeah, you can totally have little binoculars.

Ari

I wanna grab the binoculars from your bag when he says, like, “but…” and then just:

Ari (as Quique) 

I have this now. Retribution for earlier. We can spy on the weird little… the miniscule, uh… miniscule…

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Mm-hmm?

Ari (as Quique) 

Étrange monsieur

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Mm-hmm. French, ooh-hoo.

Ari (as Quique) 

La petite étrange monsieur, yeah.

Ari

And I grab the binoculars and spy on him and see.

Kyle

Where is the weird little guy going?

[Silly investigation music begins.]

Hallie

He’s scurrying from table to table, but now that you can see a closer-up version of him you see that what he’s doing is some light, very efficient pickpocketing for just, like, loose change.

Ari

Ah.

Kyle

I love this guy.

Hallie

But he also looks kinda… [Laughs.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] I love this guy. I love this weird little guy.

Hallie

But he also looks kind of disappointed every time he gets whatever he gets from people’s pockets, like he’s looking for something specifically. The funnier thing is that, Quique, when you are able to see this strange little guy close-up, you recognize him. You know this man.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

You know this man by the name of Flick, Flick the alchemist.

Ari

Oh no! Ugh.

Kyle

This is your colleague. You work with this man.

Hallie

[Delighted.] This is your colleague!

Ari

Ugh, this man.

Hallie

This is your colleague in the scientific integrity of alchemy.

[Laughs.] He’s pickpocketing people at this wedding.

Ari (as Quique) 

I was gonna say that he might be one of yours since he seems to be trying to steal coins from people, but not even you reach the lower bar that is Flick the heathen alchemist who doesn’t follow the rules appropriately.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Hmm, yes, yes.

Hallie

[Amused.] A heathen alchemist.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

What rules are those exactly?

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah! You don’t know the rules of alchemy? I don't know why I got the impression that you thought you knew everything.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Chuckles.] Well most certainly not.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Well, the rules of alchemy are that, number one, you cannot create gold. Everybody who has tried… for example, Flick here keeps thinking that he’s about to make gold. In fact, I came here because I thought he was going to have a nefarious plan to make things into gold this evening.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

At a wedding?

Ari (as Quique) 

Well yes. I think he’s connected to the bank being closed and his plan revolves around that, and this is just the first step.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I will say this is kind of a slippery slope of tangential reasonings here, but, considering you are one of the people at the inner circle, yeah, sure, whatever.

Ari (as Quique) 

Listen. Tangential things may seem tangential until you get all of the clues and you realize that they actually connect into a very neat thread. The second rule is that you cannot bring people back from the dead. I know that here it doesn’t really, you know… half of us are technically dead.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

What?!

Kyle

I’m gonna fake confusion.

Ari (as Quique) 

But, those are the main two rules of alchemy, the two main rules. There are other subrules, and it gets very complicated very fast, there’s a lot of exceptions and subclauses and stuff, but for the new initiate those are the things you have to keep track of.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Alright, so… you can’t bring someone who is dead back to life, even though the person who is dead could go where anyone alive would be, and you can’t turn things into a worse metal.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes. I am glad you agree that gold is really overrated.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I mean, it’s inherently worthless. You can’t make anything interesting with it. Sure, lots of wars were fought over it, and all sorts of interesting affairs. Now, the people around gold, that’s something fascinating indeed. Actually, there was…

Kyle

The more I speak the more you can see the flame, without me thinking about it, is growing as I’m just divulging all of these facts about things that have happened with gold.

Ari

He finds the flaming eye very attractive, and he also likes that he’s a man of information, for sure.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Yeah, he’s gonna just also respond like:

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah-yeah, you know, things have the value that you give to them. Inherently you don’t have any…

Ari

And he’s gonna also talk about those things.

Ari (as Quique) 

Just to clarify on not bringing people back from the dead, it’s also that, if you were a living human, they can’t make me into a living human again. That is kind of more of what I meant. You can’t reverse the process. People have been wanting to do it. Some people for some reason are like “ah, I don’t want to be a skeleton, I wanna be back to my former beating heart.”

Hallie

[Snickers.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah, I suppose, yes. If you combined a dead soul with a body that wasn’t their own, you could create some rather dangerous things.

Ari (as Quique) 

It truly would be a disaster transferring a soul of somebody into something that does not really belong in that soul, like a full metal suit.

Kyle

Now I want to put… Alright, note to self.

Ari

Definitely having an accidental date at this wedding.

Hallie

I was gonna joke that, like, because you’re aro I don’t wanna do the whole, like, the camera zooms in closer until it’s just you in frame, but…

[Sexy spy music begins.]

Rouge’s saxophone from Sonic X is definitely playing in the background. The music has drastically changed to the dancing couple.

Kyle

I do want to do something which is… I wanna roll, it’s probably gonna be keep my cool, but I want to say that as we’re having this conversation I just want to grab Flick’s hand when he inevitably tries to pickpocket me.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari

Ooh! I want to also try and trip Flick. We both were doing this and were trying to separately.

Hallie

Which just makes it so much sexier.

Kyle

Oh hell yeah. Hell yeah. I like to imagine that as we’re talking it turns into a dance on the dancefloor.

Ari

Yes.

Hallie

Ha?!

Kyle

Like we’re tangoing around. We’ll say Quique dips me and that’s when I reach back my hand to grab.

Ari

Yes! I like that.

Kyle

My Compatibility Score with you, Ari, is 0. What’s yours with me?

Ari

Uh… Oh. I don't know why. Why is it -1?

Kyle

It might have just been that as a default.

Ari

Is it because I’m inherently at -1 with everybody?

Kyle

[Laughs.] You are. You are a bit of a dick.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Quique is. He would inherently start off at -1 with just about anyone.

Kyle

I feel like 0 is good. Should I just roll with a +1 then and just say Ari’s helping me out by tripping?

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Okay, cool-cool-cool.

[Rolls.] So, it was a 6, but with Ari helping me out it’s a 7. It’s a mixed success on Keep your Cool.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Gets you up to the mixed success. Alright, alright. So, unfortunately, if you’re doing the dance and you reach your hand off to grab, that means that Flick is now part of your dance and you’re doing this weird three-person dance on the dancefloor.

Ari

That’s okay.

Kyle

I’m okay with that. Yeah.

[Silly scheming music begins.]

Ari

I wanna use It Was A Long Con to change the mixed success to a full success, explain that it was all part of the plan. You see, we planned to get him into our dance.

Hallie

You’ve planned it all along.

Ari

In order to more easily steal from him and see what his deal is.

Kyle

So this whole conversation while we’re talking, dancing and interrogating him, we are just pulling out of his pockets and slipping into each other’s everything he has stolen.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

That might be the sexiest image I’ve ever seen—I’ve ever…

Kyle

Imagine if Sparky could see this.

Hallie

Sparky would be losing her mind.

Ari

Meanwhile, talking about the rules of alchemy, just staring at Flick.

Ari (as Quique) 

Isn’t that right, Flick? Aren’t those the rules of alchemy?

Hallie (as Flick) 

You wouldn’t know the first thing about the rules of alchemy, Quique!

Ari (as Quique) 

Huh… Sorry, Flick. What do you mean y not knowing? I am the textbook alchemist.

Hallie (as Flick) 

The textbook alchemist? That just means you’re the establishment. Scientific river… Rigor. Scientific rigor—

Ari

[Chuckles.] Scientific river.

Kyle

No, it’s a river now. It’s a river.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Flick) 

Only things that have been proven before. You’ve got no imagination, Quique, no hope.

Ari (as Quique) 

I have more imagination than you have, Flick, with all of your very predictable plans.

Hallie (as Flick) 

My very predictable plans? Then what am I doing here tonight, pray tell?

Ari (as Quique) 

I don't know, Flick.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Looks like you’re making a bit of a river of your own, if I should say so.

Kyle

As I do that, I wanna twirl him over and splash up dramatically in my face a trail of his sweat.

Ari

I don't know if it counts as a persuasion.

Ari (as Quique) 

I don't know, Flick. Why don’t you tell me, what are you doing now that I have caught you in the middle of your attempt?

[Music ends.]

I know what it is, but you know, why don’t you tell me?

[Laughter.]

Ari

And I wanna do a deceptive persuasion.

Hallie

My understanding is that this roll is to persuade Flick that you do actually know what he’s doing and that it’s gonna be just way easier for him to come clean. Like, he shouldn’t go through the whole rigmarole.

Ari

Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle

I want to add a bonus to it by spinning around and you say ‘after all, he does have eyes everywhere,’ and I want my third eye to open as I just creep behind him.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

That’s how I’m gonna help out and give Ari a +1.

Hallie

Alright, give Ari a +1. Ari, give me a roll.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] I rolled a 6.

Kyle

But you get a +1 from me.

Ari

Oh, that’s a 7!

Hallie

So something is preventing them from doing what you want, they ask for something in return, they make one inconvenient misunderstanding, or they are temporarily upset with you.

Ari

I mean, I like temporarily upset.

Hallie

I was gonna say, do you give a shit if he’s upset with you? That’s not even a drawback.

Ari

If you want, inconvenient misunderstanding.

Kyle

[Smirking.] He thinks we’re boyfriends. “You and your new sexy plaything!”

Ari

Oh, yes! I like the inconvenient—

Hallie

Classic romcom! But like in an aro way. Okay, so…

[Silly interrogation music begins.]

Hallie (as Flick) 

Well, Quique, since you seem too distracted to understand what my plan is anyway, I guess I’ll have to lay it all out for you. You did always need things laid out for you.

Kyle

Mateo might not wink, but he thinks it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Again, I think you have it backwards, Flick.

Hallie (as Flick) 

We’ll see who has it backwards when we finally crack the gold code.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah-ha! I knew it. You are trying to make gold, Flick.

Hallie (as Flick) 

Oh, I’m not trying, I’m succeeding… and by “I’m succeeding” I mean I’m helping somebody else succeed.

Ari (as Quique) 

Is that really succeeding, though?

Hallie (as Flick) 

I’m gonna be second author on that research paper, Quique.

Ari (as Quique) 

How do you know if it’s not a predatory journal, Flick? You can’t tell them apart.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I’m gonna say Mateo’s third eye right now is ice cold, just ice cold.

[Laughter.]

He’s distracted now by the things he’s been pickpocketing.

Hallie

It’s just bobbles, by the way. Paperclips. They had those in the Renaissance.

Ari (as Quique) 

What were you trying to get anyway? Something made of gold so that you could pretend that you made it?

Hallie (as Flick) 

Oh-ho, you’re so short-sighted, Quique. I don’t need gold to pretend things are gold… but I do need gold, though.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah-ha.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Cackles.] That was really good delivery.

Hallie

[Smiling.] Thank you.

Hallie (as Flick) 

But listen, listen, I want the things back from my pockets. Did you find a key?

Ari (as Quique) 

How about an exchange?

Hallie (as Flick) 

An exchange?

Ari (as Quique) 

You know, exchange.

Hallie (as Flick) 

You mean like how you can exchange the properties of one metal into the properties of a better metal, like gold?!

Ari (as Quique) 

I mean, you CAN exchange metal for the properties of a better metal, you know, like silver.

Hallie (as Flick) 

You like silver because it’s a second-place color!

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Kyle

I want Mateo to spin them both out and reveal…

Hallie

I was gonna say, you’re all still on the dancefloor.

Kyle

Actually, if I could change something…

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

I want to reveal that I just danced us all the way to the back of the bank.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So they just spin out and I just motion to the back door.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Shall we?

Ari (as Quique) 

Lead the way, clever man.

Hallie (as Flick) 

No, no, no!

Hallie

At this point there is gonna be a GM Intrusion.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

The GM Intrusion is that, because Flick is a weird little guy, he’s able to trip easily. He doesn’t want you to go into the bank, so he’s gonna steal the key back, and he is just fucking booking it.

[Whimsical frantic chase music begins.]

Ari

Booking it? Oh!

Ari (as Quique) 

I’m not letting you leave that easily! Shall we?

Ari

And just motion for Mateo to follow this weird little guy to get the key.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Unless, actually… Hmm. Can I spend an AP to make a skeleton key out of me?

Hallie

[Exasperated.] Yes, you can use an AP to make a skeleton key. I will allow the skeleton key.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, Yeyo, there’s no need. I just needed a good imprint.

Kyle

I’m going to pull out from your back the skeleton key.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

If that’s alright, Ari.

Ari

Yes. Can it be made from one of my ribs?

Hallie

This is becoming a weird creation myth, but yeah. Yeah, that can be arranged.

[Laughter. Sexy spy music begins.]

Kyle

As I open the back door, Mateo’s gonna just motion to Quique.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

After you.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm.

Kyle

And when you walk in I’m just gonna sit there waiting.

Ari

Oh, I see.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm, that’s right, I heard that about vampires. Hmm… alright, I guess I can let you in.

Ari

I’m gonna just reach my hand to him.

Kyle

Yeah, I’m gonna grab it. I’m grabbing it.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Welcome to the announcement break tomorrow’s news today. But first, ads.

Our call to action today is to listen to Future in a Flash, the Flashback Future spinoff series where you help decide what happens next. It’s currently available on all major podcasting apps, and we’ll be releasing a compilation episode that combines everything from Chapter 1 into a single episode that will be no longer than the one you’re currently listening to.

Speaking of, let’s return to the episode.

[Sexy spy music carries out of the announcements.]

Hallie

Alright. You specifically said you went to the back door, right Kyle?

Kyle

Yeah, because that’s the sketchy one. I’m also gonna note now that Mateo has Quique’s… I’m just gonna keep that. I’m gonna keep that.

Hallie

Yeah, just keep it.

Ari

It’s okay, I can live without one rib.

Kyle

Mateo just owns that now. He just has your rib.

Ari

Is that your Signature Item?

Kyle

You know what? Fuck it. This is more fun. I’m gonna peel off my finger-yes gloves and just throw them to the ground and the skeleton key is my new Signature Item.

Hallie

Goodbye gloves, hello skeleton key made from rib of man I have carnal intentions with.

[Laughter.]

As I’m sure you recall from your conversations with Raphael, the back door is kind of the secret one, so it’s kind of rickety. With your skeleton key, you get inside no problem, but it goes somewhere kind of weird in that, like… here’s another map I’m gonna hold up to the screen.

Kyle

Does this one also have little happy faces?

Hallie

No, there are no happy faces on this one. You see those stairs that go up?

Kyle

Yeah.

[Whimsical investigation music begins.]

Hallie

You’re coming in underneath the stairs.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

So that you can’t see the back door from the inside of the lobby.

Kyle

Okay. What’s the thing on the corners?

Hallie

Those are like cubicles. I didn’t put desks or seats in them, but that’s like where you’d go to talk to a guy about opening up an account.

Kyle

Okay, so the tellers are withdrawing and putting in, and then…

Hallie

The teller is like, hey, I have a cash I’d like to check, and that’s like a weird semicircle thing in the middle. In the modern day the tellers are usually in a straight line of almost cashier desks. In this weird old bank it’s like a circle, so all the tellers are on the inside in the middle and you just line up around the circle to get your money. There are no tellers here now, that’s just where the teller thing is in the middle, and then the stairs do go up to a second floor. You can see one of those really pretty ornate Sistine Chapel–esque ceilings, whether Michelangelo painted it or not is up for debate, but there’s a second floor with a balustrade going around.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Alright…

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Well, did you get any more mystery feelings with that mystery eye of yours?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Hmm…

Kyle

I’m gonna poke out… I like to believe that both Quique and I poke out of the corner with our little glasses.

Ari

Oh yeah, I like that.

Kyle

Like, we both have binoculars now.

Hallie

Question. Are you out opposite ends or are you Scooby Doo stacking?

Kyle

We gotta Scooby Doo stack.

Hallie

You gotta Scooby Doo stack.

Ari

Yeah, Scooby Doo stack.

Kyle

I’ll roll another Stumbling Into Adventure.

Hallie

Yeah, okay.

Kyle

[Rolls.] And that’s gonna be a failure. That’s gonna be a big old 5.

Ari

I want to give you my mixed success by helping sleuthing as well.

Kyle

Is it just I’m about to walk out the wrong way, Quique grabs me by the collar and pulls me back?

Ari

Yeah.

[Silly sneaky music begins.]

Hallie

The mixed success part is that, looking closer in the bank it’s not lit very well because it’s dark, but you do see a little sleeping bag and a lantern. You know, what Arthur Morgan’s camp would look like whenever you camp in Red Dead Redemption, just a shitty little sleeping bag and lantern.

Kyle

Alright, so there’s a camp set up here.

Hallie

There’s like a little camp, yeah.

Kyle

By the tellers?

Hallie

By the tellers. Yeah, it’s like right outside.

Kyle

Is there a vault anywhere?

Hallie

Yes. It’s like on… you know how you’d have a chandelier? It’s a vault chandelier.

Ari

That sounds, uh…

Hallie

It’s a chande-vault. It should have never have been built.

Kyle

So it’s not like the ceiling, it is a giant vault.

Hallie

[Grinning.] No, it’s just a giant vault that’s like dangling.

Kyle

Alright. Ari, Ari, Ari, we gotta crush someone with this vault before the session is over, right?

Ari

Yes, correct.

Kyle

We gotta crush someone. Okay. Alright.

Ari

Correct.

Kyle

Just out of character, I wanna make sure we’re on the same page there. Alright, perfect.

Hallie

You also notice while you’re looking at the vault there is a siphon tube coming down from the vault. The vault hasn’t been opened, there’s just been something drilled into it, and these gold coins are coming down from the vault somewhere behind the circular tellers’ thing. If you get closer to the tellers’ thing, you’ll also see that there’s a lot of scientific equipment set up on a teller stand that normally probably wouldn’t be in a bank, just little vials and tubes, like Basil’s shindig in Great Mouse Detective.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Yeah!

Hallie

His whole like “mm-hmm, yes, oh-ho.”

Ari

Using my alchemy expertise, can I see if they were trying to do something like create gold in this bank?

Hallie

Oh yeah. I don’t even think you need to roll for that. You’re an expert alchemist, you’re in the alchemist coven. Today you made a new alchemy signal. This is just so clear. The gold siphoning from the top of the vault, it’s going straight into all this weird tube science kit nonsense.

Ari

Ah, I see. So it’s like there’s gold that’s been siphoned from the vault to the thing?

Hallie

Yeah. It’s not like the gold is turning into liquid in the tube, it’s just gold coins that have landed in almost a mining cart.

Ari

Ah.

Hallie

And then like, there’s gold in various stages of microscopic inspection or breaking-apart. Someone has been working very hard on just looking at this gold and in many cases just destroying it.

Ari

I want to ruin this man’s whole career and destroy the experimental setup.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Are you doing it dramatically or is this just all, like, just minutely change this?

Ari

Minutely changing things so that he doesn’t realize that things are not right.

Kyle

While Quique does that, I wanna go to the minecart, grab a coin, do the thing where you bite it to test for efficacy, and then just shrug my shoulders, throw it back while pocketing another piece… because Mateo doesn’t actually know how to do that. He’s just doing it for the flavor.

Hallie

Sure. Yeah, for sure. If Mateo did know he’d know it was real gold, but…

Kyle

Yeah. He walks over to Quique doing the finagling.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, what next, Mr. Alchemy?

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Well, after messing with these things, you know there’s…

Ari

[Chuckling.] There’s always the sleeping bag. No.

Kyle

He thinks that.

Ari

He thinks that. He doesn’t say it, but he stares at the bag, stares at Mateo, like ‘hmm.’

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Look, guys. You can. There will be a hard intrusion if you do that.

[Laughter.]

Do you get it?!

Ari

OH!

Kyle

Oh!

Hallie

[Smug.] Ah~!

Ari

Anyways, Quique will look at the vault.

Ari (as Quique) 

Well, I think there might be some exploring to do over there.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Hmm.

Ari (as Quique) 

Do you have any secret floating or climbing abilities, sir?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Getting up there, no, although, once we get up there…

Kyle

And I pull out the skeleton key.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

…I may be able to do a thing or two.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, yes.

Kyle

Okay, yeah, I actually do have an idea for getting up there. I wanna spend an AP to make something convenient appear.

Hallie

Okay.

[Silly scheming music begins.]

Kyle

I have my gold, right?

Hallie

Sure, yeah.

Kyle

I joked when I did the bite test thing that I didn’t know. That’s because I actually wasn’t checking for that. I was checking for gold pieces that, when rubbed together, would resonate in such a way as to attract… let’s say some sort of gold-loving plant Necromon.

Hallie

Sure.

Kyle

Like the beans and the beanstalk. I basically want to rub them under me and have… and again, we can decide what mon, but I’m thinking like out of the ground a beanstalk rises and just carries me up right to the bottom of the vault.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Carries Quique and I, but Quique doesn’t know what’s happening.

Hallie

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. What about Cacto?

Kyle

Cacto?

Hallie

Cacto, a skeleton cactus.

Kyle

Okay, cool, yeah.

Ari

Ooh!

Kyle

And it’s attracted by money, Cacto likes money.

Hallie

Cacto! That’s gonna be ot-cac!”

Kyle

Ot… ot-cac.

Ari

Ot-cac.

Hallie

I’m gonna say it like Aflac.

Kyle

Oh, that is pretty good.

Hallie (as Cacto) 

Ot-cac!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh Jesus Christ.

Kyle

That’s pretty good.

Hallie (as Cacto) 

Ot-cac!

Hallie

Comes summoned at the sound of gold and just starts growing out of the ground of this bank. Before it goes any farther, it does want more gold from you.

Kyle

Ugh, shit, we’re probably halfway up now, too, aren’t we?

Hallie

Yep.

Ari

I wanna climb down slowly and go get more gold from camp.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

That’s the spirit, Yeyo. It’s a bit slow, though. Couldn’t you just jump down and jumble all about?

Ari (as Quique) 

Uh… there’s always a risk of having all of my puzzle parts of me separated in the fall.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

That’s true. That’s true.

Ari (as Quique) 

And it’s a hassle to get them all together.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Hmm, yes, yes.

Kyle

As I’m saying that, I just kick him off.

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Ari (as Quique) 

[Long and dragged out as if falling.] Nooo…!

Kyle

Clang.

Hallie

I’m giving you another hard move.

Kyle

We both get an AP?

Hallie

Yeah, you both get an AP.

Kyle

Yay.

Ari

We both get an AP~

Kyle

Aren’t you happy, Ari? I knocked you down. You’re a pile of bones and we both got an AP.

Hallie

You’re a pile of bones and I gave you an Intrusion. What happens when you fall down is that this secret trap door opens from underneath, like in the center of the teller thing.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

You collide with a man coming out of the trap door.

Ari

Is it another weird little man?

Hallie

He’s… he’s egg-shaped.

Ari

Is he Eggman?

Hallie

Maybe? And he’s got a long bristly mustache.

Ari

Oh! What is Eggman doing here?

[Evil bumbling music begins.]

Hallie

As you collide with him, you’re uninjured, you’re fine, but he’s gonna go:

Hallie (as egg-shaped man) 

Agh! Intruders?!

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Technically there’s just one of him.

Kyle

I say, pointing to all of the bone parts that are scattered about.

Ari (as Quique) 

To be fair, this is not the way I intended to make an acquaintance with, uh… I mean, I didn’t know you were here, but I didn’t intend to make my acquaintance in such a scattered manner. Ugh, this is so uncomfortable.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, that’s true, how rude of us.

Kyle

I’m going to jump down from the Cacto. I want to bounce off this man’s body…

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

…gracefully land on the ground, and then reach out a hand to handshake him.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique) 

You’re telling me you could have jumped gracefully down that place this entire time and you threw me instead?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Well, it was a hard wood floor, you know. Now there’s a man there.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Now there’s a man there. The man backs up against all of his scientific equipment like you’re gonna steal it.

Hallie (as egg-shaped man) 

How did you get in the bank? It’s closed.

Ari (as Quique) 

We wanted to make a deposit. We are nothing but persistent.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

I feel like the more interesting question is how did you get in the bank.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, it’s true.

Hallie (as egg-shaped man) 

It may be a more interesting question, but it’s not one I’m going to answer! You think you can trick me? Dr. Midas? Absolutely not!

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, Dr. Midas, I have heard of you. You are Flick’s idol, are you not?

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

Is Flick the one who let you in here?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yes.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

God, that useless piece of…

Ari (as Quique) 

He told us everything about you and your plan and the secret entrance, so now there is no escape.

[Éponine squeaks her toy aggressively in the background, distracting Ari.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yes, yes, no need to go over all of it for our sake.

[Silly music begins.]

But it would be rude to leave poor Cacto out of it. Wouldn’t you agree, Quique?

Kyle

I’m pointing to Cacto trying to pull the, like, ‘we definitely know your plan, but maybe you could tell us.’

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah! Don’t you hear him squeaking?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

I had the perfect plan. All I wanted was some privacy to work on my novel paper, and Flick… don’t get me wrong, he’s a great assistant. Actually, he’s not a great assistant, he fucks everything up.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Flick actually… Oh yeah, he told me that he’s going to be first author on that paper. Is that true?

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh, I believe that is true there.

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

He was gonna be first author. I thought he said only? Oh, no, he was gonna put you as second author, right? It was gonna be a two-author thing?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah-yeah, we were discussing things. I didn’t agree with his principles, so you know, I had to refuse. He insisted that only I was the only one that was worthy enough to be as the second author.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Absolutely. While he did include the possibility of including me as a third author.

Ari (as Quique) 

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

You know, as a novice, as a novice alchemist. I just started today, actually. Heh.

Ari (as Quique) 

[Smirking.] I think you’re a natural.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh thank you, but stealing glory would be a terrible thing to do.

Ari (as Quique) 

It really would be. I would feel really bad if I had been told that I was gonna be an author and then suddenly it turns out that this person is offering authorship to everybody that he meets. It would be terrible.

Kyle

[Chuckling.] We slowly turn to stare at him.

Hallie

Roll me Convince Somebody.

Kyle

I’m gonna have Ari roll.

Hallie

Ari needs to roll this one.

Ari

[Rolls.] Oh! I rolled a 12! I rolled a Malaita!

Hallie

What?!

Ari

I rolled a Malaita!

Hallie

You rolled a Malaita?!

Kyle

Fuck you, Dr. Midas!

[Music ends.]

Hallie

You rolled a Malaita on Dr. Midas?!

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

To be fair, we’re not convincing him to do anything, we’re just pissing him off.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

No, you’re just pissing him off, but Flick is such a piece of shit yes-man that that’s why I had him. I was like, I don't know, he’s gonna need… You have convinced him that Flick is now his number one enemy.

Kyle

Flick is a dead man.

[Sinister ambience begins.]

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

[Severe.] He said what?

Ari (as Quique) 

Yeah, and as I say, he told us about this whole shenanigan plan he had.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

As if Flick’s been the one locked in the bank the whole week, experimenting with the properties of gold. He’s never been good for anything. No self-respecting journal would believe that he could be first author.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

The whole week? I guess that explains where the smell came from.

Kyle

I’m gonna say, just shifting a little bit away from the trap door.

Hallie

He kicks it closed.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

Flick thinks he can write that paper? He’s not even a doctor, he’s a PhD candidate.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah yes, he has been for the past ten years.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

Exactly! Tell me, tell me, tell me. Are you friends to the cause?

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique) 

I mean, we were offered second authorship of the paper. Of course we’re friends to the cause.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Yeah, friends to the cause. Yeah, you know, good friends, great friends even. Potentially friends with benefits, you know, just great… great friends to the cause.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

I hope you know, friends to the cause or not…

Ari (as Quique) 

With benefits, at that pause there. It’s very important.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

Your benefits don’t include my research!

Ari (as Quique) 

Flick begs to disagree.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Would you mind… Ugh, you know, I do enjoy Flick, but he does seem a bit scatter-brained. I know this is probably a bit untoward the cause, but you do really seem like the brains of the operation, just a good egg up there and all that. Would you mind showing me your research?

Kyle

I want to say that, pointing specifically to the parts that Quique had booby-trapped earlier.

Hallie

He’s looking around.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

I went through a lot of trouble to secure this bank for the week. It’s just you two? I’ll need your solemn oath as alchemists that you saw me perform and succeed this experiment first. The solemn oath, give me the alchemist’s oath.

Ari (as Quique) 

I solemnly swear… the alchemist’s oath.

Ari

[Giggles.]

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

There it is, the alchemist’s oath!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

I want to say, since Quique is still assembling things, he had not assembled one of his hands which had the crossed fingers as he said that he sweared the alchemist’s oath.

Kyle

I love that. I love that so much.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

Now, the thing about making gold…

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Hallie

There’s no cover over his shitty science experiment, but he’s making a flourish as if he’s taking a tablecloth off of all of his things.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

…is that you need a lot of gold.

Ari (as Quique) 

Hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s, uh…

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah. Ah, yes. Uh-huh, yes.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

This seems counterintuitive, yes? Yes, of course it does. You already have the gold, why would you use it to make more gold? The answer is because you can make more gold. Do you see? The answer is right in the question.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

If I could just have enough gold to study its properties, I could figure out how to transmute those properties into other metals. You see? You see? We’re working backwards.

Ari (as Quique) 

You’re trying to make gold into gold.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

We’re taking base metals and we’re saying how do we get this to be gold when all we should be thinking is how do we take what gold already possesses and put it somewhere else, in a different metal, so that then that metal becomes gold.

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Mm-hmm.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

This is in my paper draft which I am ready to submit shortly.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, yes, yes, okay. Please continue.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

So you see, if we take this gold coin and we put it in this beaker…

Hallie

He puts it in a beaker and he’s fiddling with buttons and levers, and it melts.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

…you can distill it into the property of what you called molten gold. The molten gold trails down this tube into this other tube, and this other tube analyzes the properties of gold in this state, because I believe if we could get one metal to this state, this comingling state where they are more similar than they were before, then the liquids can merge. If the liquids merge, then it comes out gold when you resolidify it. You see, you see, you see?

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah. Mm-hmm.

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

It’s like a smoothie.

Ari (as Quique) 

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Ah yes, yes, I see indeed. Quite an interesting process.

Kyle

I want to say my eye is flaming, but I am not feeding on the intrigue of what he is saying, I am just watching the process of it getting closer and closer to the booby-trap, and that’s what I’m feeding off of.

Hallie

The liquid had not gotten there when he was doing his whole “you see, it becomes liquid and you shake it like a smoothie,” but now it is. So, when it gets to that tube, it just ruptures.

[Scary musical sting abruptly ends with crashing sounds.]

It just ruptures, and this hot weird molten gold goes everywhere. Because this is directly your fault, you now need to roll Take Action, but you do both get advantage because this is your booby-trap and you know what’s going to happen.

Ari

[Rolls.] That is 5.

Hallie

With the top two dice?!

Ari

Yeah, I rolled a 3, a 2 and a 2.

Hallie

Oh god.

Kyle

That is gonna be a 9 from me because I rolled a 10 but I have -1 Fierce.

Hallie

Okay, so full failure for Quique and mixed success for Mateo.

Ari

Probably failure because I was still assembling myself. It takes a long time to assemble all of my 206 bones.

Kyle

Ari, Ari, Ari… 205 bones.

Ari

Two hundred and five bones is true.

Hallie

Mateo does still have your tibia.

Ari

It is true.

Kyle

Rib.

Hallie

Rib.

Ari

My rib.

Hallie

Same difference. Tibia, rib, they’re the same. Look, they’ve even got the “ib.”

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Ribia!

Hallie

It’s the same. The ribia!

Kyle

I was too caught… I do have a mixed success, but I was kind of caught up in the moment.

Hallie

You were so into the intrigue of watching when this is gonna happen that you forgot “I need to react when it happens.”

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

So you duck. You only get sprayed with a little bit. It’s hot, but you’re a vampire and you’re a skeleton, so it’s not like it’s gonna… it burns and it’s unpleasant, but you’re fine.

Ari

We already are hot to begin with.

Hallie

Midas on the other hand was not prepared for his impeccable science lab to suddenly just explode in his face. He reels back straight into the Cacto which sends it tumbling down from where it was going to get back up to the vault.

Ari

No! What if the cactus knocked over the vault? So it falls on top of Midas, so that we actually… the Chekhov’s vault that we set up…

Hallie

You know what?

Ari

I wanna spend AP to make this happen.

Hallie

You know what? When Midas knocks over Cacto, Cacto who is about halfway up you remember because you didn’t bring the rest of the gold with you so it couldn’t grow a little bit farther…

Kyle

If it falls on a golden Midas, it will grow uncontrollably.

Hallie

Correct. So it just keeps Jack and the Beanstalk growing until it hits the vault at the top at which point the vault comes plummeting down while Midas screams about how he’s going to get revenge on Flick.

[Scary musical sting begins]

Hallie (as Dr. Midas) 

Stealing my research? Messing up MY material that I spent my money on? After helping me put together this whole scheme to get the bank closed, after all this—

[SFX ends in a heavy metallic thud.]

Hallie

That’s what a vault sounds like when it’s landing directly on a person in a cartoonish death that happened directly in front of Mateo and Quique.

Kyle

Yeah.

[Ghostly credits music begins.]

Ari

I want to say, like, maybe after a little bit of ‘what the fuck happened’ silence, Quique will whisper:

Ari (as Quique) 

Second rule of alchemy, you can’t bring people back from the dead.

[Music swells and carries to the outtakes.]

Hallie

I don’t have a better… I don’t have a better line.

Kyle

Can we end it there?

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I don’t have a better line! I was gonna pay off something I set up in the first part of the session. I don't think I can.

Kyle

Tell me what it is. We can put it in the post-credits.

Hallie

When the vault lands, I was gonna have the vault thing open, like the door creeks open, it’s been jarred or whatever…

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

…and four Renaissance men who you would recognize as Donatello, Raphael, Leonardo and Michelangelo come tumbling out. “Oh god, we’re free!” Because when the Medicis hired the Ren men to do all the bank stuff, Midas wanted access to that bank for a really long time, so he actually replaced all four Ren men with robots of the Ren men…

Ari

What the fuck?

Hallie

…who then did all of the weird locks and doors.

Kyle

That was the robot?!

Hallie

That was the robot! You were gonna maybe fight the robots. I was like, it would be really fucking funny if all the people they talked to were just these shitty robots and that’s why they’re so boring and awful.

Kyle

The thing is, they have to be shitty, so they’re like weird clockwork men with powdered faces because it’s just white, and we just did not notice the whole time that these are clearly robots.

Hallie

Right! You just didn’t notice.

Kyle

I will say, that is second place on the endings. Ari’s is first, that is second. My third one was motioning to the sleeping bag and saying “hey, you know vampires gotta be invited in, right?”

Ari

Oh~!

Hallie

My follow-up was gonna be, after killing Midas, do you fuck on the sleeping bag?

Ari

… Yes.

Hallie

[Cackles.] On our first date we killed a man with a giant vault, ruined another man’s career…

Ari

And fucked on top of a sleeping bag.

--

Hallie

Spoken by someone who watched Twister last night in preparation for Twisters, Bill Paxton has an innate storm sense where he can just be like, the storm is gonna turn this way, the dopplers all say it’s that way but they’re wrong, my heart says this way.

Ari

My heart.

Hallie

You’re Bill Paxton from Twister but for adventure.

Kyle

I’m Bill Paxton but hotter…

Hallie

Sure.

Kyle

…and if he ate the tornadoes, if the tornadoes came up and he just opened his mouth and he just gobbled them up. [Gobbling sounds.]

--

Hallie

Renaissance song?

Kyle

Yeah, the song is nice, but like…

Ari

Is it Baby Shark?

Kyle

Baby Shark, doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo.

Hallie

Baby Shark, doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo! That’s the cherub singing it.

Kyle

It’s like a Beethoven.

[To the opening notes of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony.] Baby Shark!

Ari

[Also to 5th Symphony.] Ba-baby Shark~!

Kyle

[To the tune as it escalates.] Ba-baby Shark, Ba-baby Shark, Ba-baby Shark! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Baby Shark! Ba-baby shark! Ba-by… SHARK~!

Hallie

The creepy cherub is singing its heart out.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

The Burach is just owning it.

--

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Klein seltsam Mann.

Ari (as Quique) 

Ah, German.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

[Chuckles.]

Ari (as Quique) 

Mm-hmm. I see you’re also a man of multiple languages. Interesting. You have many secrets.

Kyle (as Mateo) 

Oh yes, oh yes. Indeed, indeed.

Kyle

I give a thumbs up to a little Wurtbrast.

Hallie

Is that another Necromon? A little Wurtbrast?

Kyle

Yeah, it’s… [Laughs.]

Hallie

Does it win races? Does it win races before baseball games?

Kyle

Yeah, it’s a little racing sausage caterpillar.

Hallie

[Squeaking in delight.] He’s a little… A little racing sausage! A little Wurstbrat!

Okay. Wurstbrat would say *tarbsnor.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Why did it say that?

Hallie

Tarb-sraub.

Kyle

Brat-tar.

Ari

Tarb-swe.

Hallie

Tarb-swau.

Ari

Tarb-sauw!

[Everyone devolves into vaguely German Necromon sounds.]

Hallie

Starb-swau! Because it’s German. That’s a German accent I just did.

Ari

It is beautiful.

Hallie

Starb-swau! The Wurstbrat agrees.

--

Hallie

At this point there is going to be a GM Intrusion.

Kyle

Okay. Can I give my point to Flick?

Hallie

I think—

Kyle

Imagine if I gave my… if we gave the point to, like—

Okay. In a couple hundred years there gonna be a 13-year-old child who really, really needs it.

Hallie

Who desperately needs it. You’re gonna put it in safe keeping, like in a trust.

Kyle

Irene shows up at this bank in three episodes, finds out we’ve had compound interest on her AP.

Ari

[Delighted.] Compound interest.

Kyle

She has 1,000 AP to spend now.

Ari

That would be your problem, Kyle.

Hallie

Kyle, do you know how happy that would make me?

Kyle

Well, she’d have to spend it all by the end of the adventure.

Ari

Or, Irene could only take a little bit of the AP per adventure so she will always have AP.

Kyle

Yeah, we were gonna hold it with the AP Baron who I said was gonna come back from Season 1. He’s very trustworthy and will not run away with your AP.

Ari

Here he is.

--

Hallie

I just think it’s funnier if he’s like, oh, I’m your key to adventure now. Do you get it? Because you’re…

Ari

[Smiling.] Ah, yes.

Hallie

And then because you did the skeleton key, and now you have the rib, so now it’s like one success.

Ari

I like that.

Kyle

Wait. Wait! Does that make Quique my Signature Item? If I throw his skull at an enemy…

Hallie

That raises ethical questions, and I don’t want to think about them. Kind of like when we were, like… Ronda and Eddie are now— [Laughs.]

Kyle

It’s okay that we gave a man to a woman because they’re best friends.

Hallie

We’re gonna keep it at, like, you have a bond now because of the skeleton key rib.

Kyle

Okay, cool.

--

Hallie

A little sleeping bag, and like a lantern, and like… you know, what Arthur Morgan’s camp would look like whenever you camp in Red Dead Redemption, just a shitty little sleeping bag and lantern.

Kyle

I wanna fuck on the sleeping bag.

[Laughter.]

Ari

I mean…

Kyle

I like to imagine Sparky is desperately—Every time we make one of these jokes, Sparky, if she ever hears this story, this is her actually intruding being like, okay, and “then” you slept together. Right?

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Like Princess Bride. Quique’s like here is this Princess Bride story of how I met Mateo, I’m finally opening up and telling you, and Sparky just interrupts all the fucking time to be like “when did you bone?”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

How I met your Mateo.

[Laughter.]