9. A Tag-Team Duel! (Part 2)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends! Hereafter…

[Music plays, ‘Quest Friends! Hereafter Theme’ by Miles Morkri.]

Kyle (as Sammy)

This first one is gonna be like… the tag-team duel.

Emily (as Irene)

Nooo!

Tom (as Hilda)

Ooh!

Emily (as Irene)

As my rival, you should make sufficient backup.

Tom (as Hilda)

Backup?

Emily (as Irene)

Yes.

Hallie

Am I supposed to meet someone, i.e. Lucas Bang, here?

Kyle

Yeah.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Sparky, is that you?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Elliot… Why ARE you here?

Kyle (as Elliot)

I had business in the area.

Hallie

I’m going to add something useful to the environment that wouldn’t necessarily be there otherwise, and it’s a bug that’s in my pocket.

Kyle

Quique.

Hallie

[Groaning.] No…

Kyle

Yeah, it’s your sobrina, Lupe. She has the best little pop-up gelato stand in all of Puerto Ballenas.

Kyle (as Lupe)

We should invite Tio Lionel, of course, too!

Ari

No!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Yes!

[Theme music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

So, when we last left you, you had walked up to the battlefield for the Intermortal Necromon Championship. It’s got that blue line around it and everything, that little barrier that adds the little additional stuff that makes Necromon battling safer and juices up Booker.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Kyle

Across from you, you have some horse girl from Kansas named Katrina Kollect’em and definitely Rasputin definitely pretending to be Annie Romanov.

Emily (as Irene)

You’re kind of old.

Kyle

Rasputin and Katrina look at each other.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Uh… She is clearly talking about you.

Emily (as Irene)

I was not talking about her.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Ah!

Kyle

Katrina looks over at Rasputin.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Don’t you dare suggest anything like that again. You understand me? I’ve tamed all kinds of equestrians, so I am not to be trifled with.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

[Condescending chuckles.]

Tom (as Hilda)

[Whispering.] We’re gonna destroy them.

Emily (as Irene)

[Whispering.] Yes.

Kyle (as Chazz)

And with that, it’s time to d-d-d-duel!

[Hype duel music begins.]

Kyle

The way this Necromon Battle is going to work is it is a tag-team battle. Each of you has Necromon with a set amount of Res Points. Between the two of you on each side, you have three spots for Necromon. Each of you has to place out at least one Necromon at the beginning of the battle, but beyond that you are sharing the battlefield with each other. The first winner is the one who takes out all of their opponents’ Necromon or takes out six of their opponents’ Necromon, because standardly that’s how many you can have in a regular duel.

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker, let’s go!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom

Hilda does a dramatic point.

Emily

Irene is deeply startled, and then she does a dramatic point.

Emily (as Irene)

Yes.

Emily

Irene is just gonna take out Mossies to start with.

Emily (as Irene)

Mossies, go!

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm… See-sawm…

Tom

Also, Hilda’s going to whisper to Booker.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Whispering.] Our plan is to steal the show from Irene like true rivals.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Emily

He pokes his eyestalks alternatingly more high… I don't know how to describe what I’m doing.

Tom

[Giggles.] It would be like pumping your fists up and down but with the eyestalks, just back and forth.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

[Laughs.] On the other side, you hear:

“I’m just a country girl, and you’re not gonna fuck with me. That’s not what she says, but that’s how I’m getting into her voice.”

Tom

I 100% thought that was what she said, in front of all these children.

Emily

[Chuckling.] Yeah.

Kyle (as Katrina)

You aren’t gonna mess with a country girl like me. A true equestrian. Seahull, it’s time for you to gallop into action!

Kyle

Katrina takes out one of her cards, and the card twists at the middle, turning into two rapidly fluttering hummingbird wings. These wings are connected to a multicolored scaled creature that looks like a seahorse.

Tom

Oh!

Hallie (as Seahull)

Hees! Luh-hees!

Emily

It’s piercing and I love it.

Hallie (as Seahull)

Luh-hees!

Hallie

Good. I hope it hurts everybody’s ears.

Kyle (as Katrina)

But that’s not all. Come out, my—

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Boidelrat! Boidelrat!

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

On the other two parts of the field, Rasputin just sets out two Boidelrat. Katrina stares at him.

Kyle (as Katrina)

What in the hell do you think you’re doing?

[00:05:00]

Kyle (as Rasputin)

I, uh…

[Chuckles nervously, then smiles bright.] Uh… Boidelrat.

[Giggling.]

Kyle

It is time for everyone out there to roll initiative. The way you're gonna do that is you are going to take the number of dice you have for your initiative and you’re gonna roll it. If it is I believe 4 or higher it counts as an initiative.

Tom

Yeah, I think all success rolls for Animon are 4 or higher unless it’s been set back, then it’s 5 or 6.

Kyle

You’re exactly right.

Tom

[Rolls.]

Emily

[Rolls.] Phew.

Tom

What did you get?

Emily

I got a 6 and a 5.

Tom

Nice.

Hallie

Nice work.

Tom

I got six… like six hits, for my initiative.

Kyle

Six hits?!

Tom

Yeah. I roll eight dice for my initiative.

Kyle

Jesus Christ. Every time you get a 6, let me know, because that’s gonna add to the Critical Gauge.

Tom

Oh yeah. One of them was a 6.

Kyle

Okay, so that’s two 6 rolls.

[Silly ghostly music begins.]

When you get out there, you can see that the little Seahull and the Boidelrat are fighting with each other as Rasputin and Katrina are fighting with each other.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

This is completely unreasonable. I don't know what exactly you expect from me.

Kyle (as Katrina)

I expect you to sit back while I win and not bring such gross things here.

Kyle

They just keep fighting until Chazz Casey says:

Kyle (as Chazz)

Now, from the very beginning, that’s gonna be some points off for Katrina and Annie.

Kyle

Both of them turn around at that and say:

Kyle (as Katrina & Rasputin)

Oh come on!

Kyle

But, because of all of this, you have the clear advantage to attack, so it is Booker’s turn first.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Ha! They don’t have the kind of bond we do. Right, Irene?

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

[Flatly.] Yes… They are not rivals, they are simply unprofessional.

[Laughter.]

Tom

In that case, to start off, Hilda is just going to mouth “payback time” at Rasputin.

[Rock action music begins.]

We’ll have Booker leap in front of the Mossies and activate his Signature Move.

Tom (as Hilda)

Come on, Booker! Let’s show them the Page Turner Twister!

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Page Turner Twister? What is… What is that? AHH!

Emily (as Booker)

[Reverberating with power.] Reeekoooob!

Kyle

Booker just starts throwing out those sharp blue pages, those sharp blue ethereal pages.

Emily

His little legs are going.

Kyle

If I understand correctly, you attack everybody, Tom, but you roll with setback, right?

Tom

Yep. Attack all enemies. Roll with setback. What stat do I use for this attack again?

Kyle

I think last time we said Books, but you can use Heart if you’re outnumbered, and you are technically out numbered.

Tom

I am more than happy to use Books in this instance.

Kyle

Yeah, that’s fair. You don’t feel outnumbered in an outclassed way because you’ve got a hummingbird and two possums. Like… you’re outnumbered, “technically.”

Tom

I would like to visit oblivion upon these people.

Kyle

You’re not trapped in there with them, they’re trapped in there with you.

[Music ends.]

Tom

I don’t think I have any things that would improve this. Do they have any defensive qualities that would…?

Kyle

Boidelrat has Pack Tactics, but I would only apply that to attacks, and Seahull does have a benefit. Thank you for asking. Seahull has the Quality of Danger Sense.

Tom

Does that reduce dice from my roll?

Kyle

No, it just gives me another die, because I roll as well. This is one of those systems where I roll.

Tom

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. I remember now. I remember how this works.

Kyle

But you don’t get the benefit—Do you get the benefit of my sixes?

Tom

I think it might be that way in default Animon, but I don't know what we roll.

Kyle

The Boidelrat and the Seahull all rolled two.

Tom

It’s supposed to be one thing against the highest Dodge.

Kyle

Oh, thank you. … They got two.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Well, lucky for me, I got three, and two of them were sixes. So yeah, prepare to be extinguished.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob.

Tom

That is… Alright, yeah, all of them take 10 damage.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Give me one quick second. I wanna check that Critical Gauge.

Okay, so it’s only when a player rolls.

Tom

We’ve got 4 on it already.

Kyle

But also, every time a Necromon gets knocked out. How much damage did you say you did?

Tom

Ten.

Kyle

Yeah, you get 3 added to the Critical Gauge anyway.

Tom

Oh! Do we take them all out?!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] You wanna describe this, Tom?

[Rock action music begins.]

Tom

Yeah. Booker leaps up into the air. He’s doing the whirlwind. The pages come flying out, and the little Seahull is batting their little wings against the Boidelrats that are just hissing at it. Suddenly, they are just swirled up into this vortex getting slashed by pages, and they just are deposited in a heap with the swirly knocked-out eyes from Pokémon.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Oh! Oh, uh, Seahull…

[00:10:00]

Kyle

Katrina wants to recover Seahull, but Seahull is underneath all this gross trash and bones.

Tom

Aww.

Emily

Oh god.

Hallie (as Seahull)

Hees…

Kyle

And eventually it disappears back into a card.

Tom

I feel like we need Chazz Casey saying “oh, you hate to see that happen.”

Kyle (as Chazz)

Oh, you hate to see that happen, folks.

[Music ends.]

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Sammy)

I… I do hate it. I hate it a lot.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

She rushes down to grab it.

Kyle (as Katrina)

How… How dare you?

Tom (as Hilda)

That’s what real training looks like!

Emily (as Irene)

Thank you. Yes.

[Rising monster music begins.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

It’s time to move on to the real battle. It’s time to take out the untamable creature. Come out, Kel—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Boidelrat! Boidelrat! Boidelrat!

Hallie

[Squeaks in laughter.]

Kyle

And in front of you, three Boidelrat replace all the three knocked out Necromon.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Quique, there is a little place near the rocks where there is a little beach. As you get there, you can see that a whole host of family members are running around getting things set up with a big banner that says… What’s a congratulations phrase I could use for Yunuen?

Ari

I mean, I guess just “felicidades.” I don't think we have a slang for congratulations.

Kyle

I was trying to think of something that’s like a “good work, kid” that isn’t necessarily “you won,” because she’s almost certainly not going to win.

Hallie

“You participated~!”

Ari

[Laughs.] Yeah, but that’s…

Hallie

I know. Don’t put that. Don’t put that.

Ari

Or “te queremos,” like “we love you.”

Kyle

Okay, yeah, it says that. You go up and you see “Te Queremos, Yunuen.”

Ari

The thing is, in big reunions like this, even if Lionel is there, Quique can just blend in the crowd and say hello to a bunch of different people and then just stay with some group that isn’t him. He would just go there and say hello to everybody, hugs and kisses on the cheek, just one because we are not European. You can cut that if you want. Uh…

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Yeah, you could dodge them. Right, right, right.

Ari

He wouldn’t “dodge” Lionel, because he’s gonna be polite. He’s still gonna say hello. If you don’t do that, then that’s like a big offense. You do not “not” say hello to somebody even if you don’t like that person. You do that in our culture.

Kyle

Okay. You’re gonna be tactful and nice. Right?

Ari

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah, um… take a GM Intrusion.

Ari

You’re giving me a GM Intrusion?

Kyle

Take a GM Intrusion, yeah.

Ari

Okay. I will give my other AP to Hilda because she’s doing such a good job in the competition.

Tom

God damn it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

What?!

Tom

I have so much that it will go to waste.

Ari

Okay, I’ll give it to Irene then.

Hallie

Give it to someone who appreciates it!

Tom

I’m sorry! I wasn’t trying to be ungrateful. I was just like, I am not going to use this AP at all and it will die with me at the end of the session. I’m sorry!

Kyle

You hear an old beat-up hand-me-down car, one you recognize very well because it was one you handed down.

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

But you aren’t happy to hear it now, because the loud engine stops and you hear the door open and close, and you feel an elbow on your shoulder. You look over to see Ariel giving you a shit-eating grin.

[Scary musical sting.]

Kyle (as Ariel)

Que onda, tio?

Kyle

I need you to roll to Take Action.

Ari

Oh boy. Okay. Take Action… That is Fierce, right?

Kyle

Yeah, Fierce.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] That is a 5.

Kyle

Well, take an AP for failing, because you do not react nearly in time. You can swear some of your bones temporarily fly off as you feel a massive bear hug slash jump on you.

Kyle (as Lionel)

Quique!

[Clownish music begins.]

Ari (as Quique)

Lionel… hey. Que onda, primo?

Kyle

And yeah, sure enough it’s Lionel, looking the same as he always does. He’s a broad-shouldered skeleton whose personal style is always on the casual side of business casual regardless of where he is. You know, the kind of guy who would wear an open-collared shirt, khaki shorts, white socks and sandals and think “yeah, this will fit in pretty much everywhere.” Lionel looks at you with a jubilant, earnest, open-mouth smile and he says:

[00:15:00]

Kyle (as Lionel)

Que onda, primo. You are… It has been too long!

Kyle

And he slaps you on the back so hard that some of your rib bones just fall out onto the ground.

Ari

[Laughs.] Ugh. He’s gonna pick some up.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah…

[Coughs.] Long time no see. I imagine you’re here to see, uh… congratulate Yunuen for her first competition, right?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Lionel)

Yeah! Yeah-yeah! Ariel told me all about it. That whole thing that you went on some adventure to go get… which you didn’t invite your old buddy Lionel. I mean, that’s uh… that’s fine. But no, yeah, it’s been a long time despite us living next door to each other both here in the Here and in the Hereafter. You’d think if we were—

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! Yeah. You know what, are those—?

Kyle (as Lionel)

You know, you’d think for being neighbors we’d, uh…

Ari (as Quique)

Are those empanadas over there? You know, sorry, you can—I’m just gonna go. I haven’t eaten.

Ari

[Laughing.] He’s gonna try and go. Unless, sorry, if you actually wanted to say something, I don’t want to interrupt, but Quique might be like “ah, yeah-yeah, sure,” and then just try to fucking go.

Kyle (as Lionel)

Well, I’ll uh… Alright. Great catching up with you!

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, you know… we still live next door, so I assume I’ll see you when I go back to the Necropolis. But, these empanadas look very good, and you know, there’s only a few things that us skeletons can eat that aren’t calcium and conch shells and stuff. Somehow empanadas are one of them now, so I am gonna eat those… right now.

[Laughter.]

Ari

He’s going to go. Usually when we have reunions we have food like buffet style that we can just grab, so I’m assuming that we have some stuff that we can just grab.

Kyle

As you leave—You don’t hear this, Quique. You go and you start grabbing stuff, but Ariel turns around and slaps Lionel on the wrist.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Don’t worry, he’ll be ready for the song.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Sparky! Are you still listening in on Elliot?

Hallie

Yeah, I sure fucking am.

[Hype duel music plays over bug.]

Kyle

So you’re hearing the super loud music of the Necromon battle. Elliot isn’t speaking, but you’re hearing the folks around him. You actually hear Alina’s voice.

Hallie

I don’t like that.

Kyle (as Alina)

That’s right, Hilda! Eviscerate them!

[Quirky trombone sounds.]

Kyle

Until I need to otherwise, Yulia is just going to speak with trombone now, I have decided.

Tom

[Laughs.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Alina)

So, how do you know the contestants?

Kyle (as Earl)

Well, uh… Irene’s actually—

[Long flat honk.]

Kyle

Some vuvuzela sounds. Just assume if I redact something it’s a vuvuzela sound.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Fuck you!

Ari

God.

Hallie

Sparky yells out loud at the recording that she’s listening to.

Kyle (as Earl)

I’m pretty busy with work, but that’s why I’m so glad that—

[Long vuvuzela note.]

Ari

God damn it.

Kyle (as Earl)

I just really wanna give her all the support that I can.

Kyle (as Alina)

That’s so great! You know what? I gotta say, (honk). I am so (honk) to see you here.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Mm.

Hallie

While I’m listening, I’m opening my phone. I’m not going to the group chat with Elliot in it. I’m going to a group chat I’m starting that doesn’t have Elliot in it, and I’m gonna say “why does your wife play the vuvuzela so damn loud?”

[Phone notification SFX]

Kyle (as Alina)

Oh, sorry, excuse me one second.

Kyle

And you’re just gonna get back “spirit!” with an exclamation point.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Heavy sigh.] God…

Kyle (as Lucas)

Something the matter there, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Jolted.] Oh god, it’s Lucas. Hi, Lucas, hi.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Uh, hey.

Kyle

And you can see Lucas Bang.

[Gentle country music plays.]

He has dressed up a little bit. He’s changed his clothing into just regular clothing, but he still has the bandit mask on and he goes…

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, sorry.

Kyle

…and he takes it off before reaching behind.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Sorry I was so late there, Sparky. I had to change and I ran across a gelato place.

Kyle

He reaches out and he grabs his own gelato and he extends one to you.

Emily

[Emotional.] He bought you gelato.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh Lucas, that was so… that was so thoughtful.

Kyle (as Lucas)

I wasn’t sure what kind you’d like, so I just got a bunch of the little samples and got them together.

Tom

Aww.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That was also very thoughtful.

Kyle (as Lucas)

The lady actually asked me who it was for, and for some reason, when I said your name, the guy next to her just kinda scoffed and said “of course.”

Tom

[Coughs laughing.]

[00:20:00]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Interesting… Interesting. Well you know, I am very famous in this town. Not as famous as you of course, the Aggressive Bandit.

[Music ends.]

I’m surprised you got away from the tournament that’s happening. You should tell me all about that tournament. I know that Hilda was talking about it, but Hilda, bless her, sometimes says things I’m not interested in at that very moment in time. So, maybe you could tell me more about the tournament while I sample all these little gelatos.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, right, yeah.

Kyle

He goes to sit down but quickly, like…

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, sorry.

Kyle

…and he pushes out the other chair and he motions for you to sit down.

Hallie

[Breathy.] Fuck…!

[Tearful.] Kyle! Why are you doing this to me? Okay…

[Laughs.] Sparky swoons a little bit but she doesn’t show anybody. You can’t read her.

Tom

Of course.

Kyle

He sees you react a little bit.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Are you feeling alright?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh yes. Just perfectly. Just so excited to hear whatever you were about to say.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, right. Yeah, so I told Maybelline that I had off. She seemed pretty upset by that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, you don’t say.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Mr. Scuba was great about it though. He said he had a backup announcer in mind immediately.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, well that’s good. That’s good. Mr. Scuba does seem like an enterprising man.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh right, I forgot. Uh… Hilda, right? The girl.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yes, yes, Hilda, my protégée.

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah. I was able to talk to Mr. Scuba about some of her questions. He didn’t tell me anything. He mostly asked questions, like a lot of questions… but he did give me this, and he said it should go to Hilda.

Kyle

He grabs a manila envelope and hands it to you.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh. Well that was interesting. Thank you.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

So anyways. What have you been up to? It’s been, what, twenty-something years? Twenty-three?

Hallie

Sparky has been debating whether to open this envelope in front of him, because she doesn’t give a shit, or whether she does—she gives a shit. She’s gonna fold it and cram it in her bag when he asks.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Something like that. Yeah, time sure does fly when you’re successful… like both of us are, doesn’t it.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah, right… successful.

Kyle

You notice that he gets a little downcast when he says successful.

Hallie

Um…

Kyle

If you have a question of something you wanna ask me, you can roll to see into his heart.

Hallie

Yeah, I wanna roll to see into his heart. I want to ask if he’s happy.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

[Hums a jazzy tune while rolling, slowing to a disappointed stop when she sees her dice.] Four…

Kyle

He gets to ask you a question.

Hallie

Oh no!

Kyle

Or I get to ask a question on his behalf, which tells into your heart. He wants to know if you’re happy.

Hallie

Wow. Not by the strict definition of happy.

Kyle

So no.

Hallie

So no. No, not really.

Kyle

He kind of notices that and goes:

Kyle (as Lucas)

We don’t need to languish on all of that kind of stuff.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, no, no-no-no. Who spends all their time thinking about the past, you know?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Exactly. Not the past. How’s the present?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh! Uh… the present. The present is, um… we don’t have to talk about the present either, actually. Let’s talk about the future. What are your future plans? I mean, after this tournament thing. What’s next for the Aggressive Bandit?

Kyle

He starts sweating a little bit.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh… If you ask Maybelline, there’s a lot for the Aggressive Bandit in the future. For Lucas Bang though, there’s um… you don’t wanna hear about it.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh. Oh… Au contraire mon frère. I would love to hear more about it. Actually, you know what, Maybelline. I met her once or twice. She seems like, um… a person that you work with.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah. She’s very on top of things. She gets her way. Nobody dares challenge Maybelline.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah… Uh-huh. How does that— Why? Why…? Why doesn’t anybody challenge Maybelline?

[Oppressive ambient music returns.]

Kyle

He looks to his right, looks to his left, looks to his right…

Kyle (as Lucas)

Best not ask those kinds of questions with prying ears around, you know?

[Music ends.]

But, Hilda does the Necromon Championship, huh? That’s really cool. Have you talked to Elliot about it at all?

Hallie (as Sparky)

About the Necromon Championship?

Kyle (as Lucas)

Yeah, of course. After all—

Kyle

And we’re gonna cut that scene there.

Hallie

No! No~!

Kyle

Irene.

Hallie

No~!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Upbeat rock music begins.]

Kyle

It is your turn. You have three Boidelrat in front of you.

Emily

Okay. Irene doesn’t wanna be shown up. She will say…

Emily (as Irene)

Mossies, Surprise!

Emily

Swings one arm down to point.

Emily (as Irene)

They!

Emily

Plants one foot.

[00:25:00]

Emily (as Irene)

Have!

Emily

Plants the other foot.

Emily (as Irene)

Teeth!

Tom (as Mossies)

See… SAWM!

Emily

Swings the other arm. So, she’s pointing with both hands.

Tom (as Mossies)

[Fiercely.] See-sawm.

Kyle

So, that is your Signature Attack. You’re gonna roll extra dice for your Rank, which is 1. What’s the Quality of the Mossies?

Tom

I feel like it was Teeth for the Mossies.

Emily

Yeah, it’s Biting.

Kyle

Okay, so you get two extra dice, one for the rank, one for Biting. What is the Effect of your attack?

Emily

When this attack successfully hits, you can choose to deal half damage and disorient the target until your next turn. So, I think that would be nice.

Kyle

I’m gonna roll for a Boidelrat to dodge.

[Music ends.]

Emily

Okay.

[Rolls.] I rolled… one, two, three, and then six and six.

Kyle

[Rolls.] Okay. So, that is one more than me. How much damage do you do normally?

Emily

Normally, I do 6 damage.

Kyle

Alright, +1, so you can do 7 damage to this Boidelrat or you can do the Effect.

Emily

I would like to do the misdirect.

Kyle

Yeah, describe the attack.

[Quirky electronic music begins.]

Emily

They just fling themselves, chomping their open mouths that people who had not seen them attack before didn’t know they had, and they end up just bonking into the Necromon and it gets confused.

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm… awm, awm, awm.

Kyle (as Chazz)

Oof! Ouch! Now, they may say the bark is worse than the bite, but I think the bite is worse than the bark in this case.

Emily (as Irene)

They don’t bark.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Sammy)

They really don’t bark, and honestly, if they did I think it would be a lot scarier, if I’m telling the truth.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Do you see how pathetically they responded to that? Really, is that what you’re gonna do? Just let me take out my ‘mon!

Kyle (as Rasputin)

[Mischievous chuckling.] I know… it is my turn, though! It is Rasp… Annie’s turn.

[Laughter.]

And I think we will target that one.

Kyle

And he points at the Mossies.

[Music ends.]

The way I’m gonna have this work is I am going to have the three Boidelrat attack at once, so they are all going to attack. I’m going to apply the misdirect to all of them, but they will get the benefit of Pack Tactics, and they are all going after Mossies.

Tom

Nooo!

Kyle

I need you to roll one Defense as I roll for their Fierce.

Tom

No… No.

Emily

Can I use an Adventure Point to make it easier?

Kyle

What do we think? Do we want to let Emily roll with a boost?

Tom

Eh, yeah, works for me. I don’t mind.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fine.

Kyle

Yeah, you can do it with boost, which essentially means 3 or higher is good for you.

Emily

Okay.

[Rolls.] One, three, five, so I have two.

[Frantic silly chase music begins.]

Kyle

The Boidelrat go to bite.

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarle—Agh!

Kyle

You can see one of their skulls bites onto another’s neck and another one bites a tail and they just become this little dust ball of bones that bounces around next to you before scrambling back at place, each of them having different bones and different pieces of garbage on them than previously.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Mossies)

[Content.] See-sawm… See-sawm… See-sawm.

Emily (as Irene)

That was some expert dodging on your part, Mossies. You did well.

[The crowd applauds.]

Kyle (as Chazz)

It is the top of the turn!

Kyle (as Sammy)

What that means is anyone can swap out any Necromon they want and then we’ll continue.

Tom (as Hilda)

Let’s crush them this turn!

Emily (as Irene)

Mallea!

Ari

Oh~!

Tom

Yeah!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Tom

Ah, it’s Mallea with a chair!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So, Mallea comes out full-force, and on the other side you hear the two squabbling.

[Silly ghostly music begins.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

Just take one of your little trash skull things and get them out of there so I can do my thing.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

But Boidelrat are… they are our mascot.

[Chuckles.] You know what I mean?

Kyle (as Katrina)

A mascot? Mascot for what, a grungy gross cave?!

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Well, when you put it like that… yes.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

Ah… So you’re not gonna take any of them out?

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Uh… no. I don’t think I will.

Kyle (as Katrina)

Ugh!

[00:30:00]

Kyle

And Katrina walks to the other side.

Kyle (as Chazz)

It looks like Boidelrat Squad can’t make up their mind about what they want to do.

Kyle (as Sammy)

As you know, someone with really forceful emotions can kind of drive things. It’s not healthy, but it’s a fact of life… and death.

Kyle (as Chazz)

Well, with that, it’s time to start the next—

[Music abruptly changes to rising monster music.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

Kelassus! Take them down.

Kyle

Katrina slams a Necrocard on the ground which seems to fall underneath the earth itself, and then you hear the ghostly whispers.

Tom (as Kelassus)

Ooooh… Sus-uh-lek. Sus-uh-lehk.

Kyle

The Boidelrat in the center shatters into a bunch of different bones as a green ghoulish Pegasus kelpie bursts out of the ground, its wings emerging like some sort of muddy moist plant life connected to the ground.

Tom

Algae. Algae. Algae!

Kyle

This untamable creature without any back legs bursts up and takes the Boidelrat’s place.

Tom (as Kelassus)

Sus-uh-leeehk!

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Just like Kelassus forcing its way onto the battlefield, I am forcing my way into the episode… to give you announcements, because it’s the announcement break.

The first thing to mention is, just like the last time we did a Necromon duel, we’re using the ruleset not from my game but instead a modified ruleset from Animon Story by Zak Barouh. If you really like the way the duel mechanics work with Necromon battles, that’s a game to check out. Also just to check out if you wanna just do a fun Pokémon- or Digimon-inspired time.

Speaking of games, thank you to everyone who purchased a copy of Under the Neighborhood during the itch.io summer sale. Thanks to you, we were able to donate $100 to the Abortion Fund of Arizona which is enough to cover the expense of a state-mandated ultrasound that folks here in Arizona have to get before they get an abortion.

If you missed out on that sale, we currently actually have another sale going on at DriveThruRPG. From now through Sunday, with the specific time varying based on your time zone, you can get Under the Neighborhood at DriveThruRPG for $17 instead of the regular $20. This sale isn’t going to anything besides… I guess me, you know, because I made the game, but if you’d like to get it at a discount, now’s a great time to do so.

Finally, over the past couple of weeks, I was honored to guest on Character Creation Cast which is a wonderful podcast where we went through world and character creation for Under the Neighborhood and then we just kinda talked about the game a little bit. If this sounds like something you might be interested in, I encourage you to listen to this promo for Character Creation Cast.

[Promo begins.]

Ryan

Character Creation Cast is a discussion podcast where Amelia Antrim and myself, Ryan Boelter, create characters in multiple roleplaying games with prominent guests from the games community.

Amelia

Each month Character Creation Cast examines the character generation process in depth for a different game with new guests each series. Character Creation Cast always takes time to reflect on the game, its designs, and what guests have to say about it. Think of it as sitting in on a great Session 0 every week.

[Promo ends.]

Kyle

Again, if that premise sounds interesting to you, you can check out Character Creation Cast at CharacterCreationCast.com or by searching it on the podcatcher of your choice.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode, The Necromon Thief, Part 1, will be releasing on Monday, August 8. If you’d like additional stories, podcasts, or behind the scenes videos, you can check them out at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. For example, $10 backers and above just got access to a Mage playbook for Under the Neighborhood which lets you be a fucking wizard. I hope to see you there.

[Upbeat rock music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle (as Sammy)

Well, uh… I mean, I don't think that’s legal, but—

Kyle (as Chazz)

But, it replaced the Boidelrat. We still have three on each side which means there is another one down, four out of six down for Team Boidelrat and Kelassus.

Kyle

I’m gonna roll initiative for Kelassus. [Rolls.]

[00:35:00]

Emily

They better be losing some extra points for this.

Tom

I feel like they’ve already been penalized enough for just losing one of their ‘mons.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Sammy)

They’re gonna lose so many points for this… I guess I’ll grab a—

Kyle

Sammy, not having any more pages to mark down things on, just starts writing on his own cloth hand.

Emily

[Emotional.] Is it washable marker?

Tom

No.

Kyle

He’ll need to do a couple tumbles in the washing machine.

Tom

A couple tumbles somewhere, if you know what I mean.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright, uh…

Tom

I’m not sorry, for the record.

Emily

You shouldn’t be.

Hallie

It was such a half-hearted innuendo!

[Flatly.] If you know what I mean…

Kyle

[Sighs.]

Tom

I desire blood.

Kyle

Booker, it is your turn.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob~

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob!

Tom (as Hilda)

Time to intercept! Play defensive!

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoob! Rekoob!

[Rock action music begins.]

Tom

I want Booker, instead of attacking, to defend Irene’s Necromon this turn so that Booker can use his Hard Cover to assist.

Several

Aww.

Kyle

I will count that as they get the one Quality, but they also will get a boost, because you’re helping them out.

Emily

Aww…

Tom (as Hilda)

Backup. Ha-ha.

Emily

Irene is conflicted. Her face switches between offended that Hilda feels that her Necromon would need defending and impressed that Hilda made a good strategic move. She’s just very much… she’s beside herself. She’s not processing it well.

Kyle

Meanwhile Sparky, you hear over the radio, assuming you still have that in your ear…

Hallie

The whole conversation with Lucas, it’s been there, yeah-yeah.

Kyle (as Elliot)

Hmm. I always knew she would end up needing to rely on someone else.

[Music ends.]

Tom

No one can see, but I am flinging a rubber band across the room in RAGE right now. Fucking, ugh!

Hallie

Sparky makes that face in the middle of some conversation with Lucas and then has to fix it.

Kyle (as Lucas)

You alright there, Sparky?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, yeah… just the thing you said was so shocking.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, yeah. I mean, it’s a bit weird for the Aggressive Bandit to talk about how he’d want kids even though he’s not in a committed relationship right now.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Yes! That’s, um, I just… God.

Is this an actual segue, or are we still…?

Kyle

No, we’re back to the battle.

[Music returns.]

Tom

God damn it!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I was gonna say!

Tom

On that cruelty.

Kyle

Irene, it is your turn.

Emily

Irene is gonna send out Mallea.

Kyle

Did you roll initiative for Mallea?

Emily

Oh! I didn’t.

Kyle

Let’s figure out what the initiative for Mallea is.

Emily

Two d6?

Kyle

Yep.

Emily

[Rolls.] Double 6.

Hallie

Malaita! For Mallea. Malaita, for Mallea! Malaita, for Mallea! I’m so happy.

Kyle

Yeah, it’s Mossies or Mallea.

Emily

She points.

Emily (as Irene)

Mallea, turn them to mush!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Emily

[Pleased] Do the belly flop!

Kyle

Alright, so what does Turn Them to Mush do, Emily?

[Music ends.]

Emily

It’s Heavy Strike. When it successfully hits, this Signature Attack does extra damage equal to 1 + Rank.

Kyle

You’re gonna target Kelassus?

Emily

Yeah.

Tom

Nice.

Emily

So then I roll…. Whoops.

[Rolls.] Ooh, that is… well, some of it’s good. I have 5, 5, 6, 3, 3.

Kyle

That is three successes, and I got two, so you’re gonna do your regular damage +2, +1. What’s your regular damage?

Emily

My regular damage is 8.

Kyle

Splat! You don’t take out Kelassus, but how do you do a bunch of damage to it?

[Funky upbeat electronic music begins.]

Emily

Mallea just runs and leaps into the air and belly-flops onto this horse.

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um~!

Emily (as Irene)

Good work, Mallea.

Ari (as Mallea)

[As if nodding.] Uhlayum.

Kyle

So, it slams on the ground. This thing shoots to the side. Some of it gets on the crowd.

Kyle (as Chazz)

Watch out for the splash zone~!

Kyle (as Sammy)

I’m gonna have to wash both my clothes and myself. Maybe it can wash my heart, too.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

And yeah, it’s the Mossies’ turn.

Emily (as Irene)

Mossies, attack!

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm.

Kyle

Who are they attacking?

Emily

They are also going to attack Kel…

Kyle

Kelassus.

Emily

Kelassus, yes.

Kyle

Kelassus has been kind of spilt to the side, and it’s slowly reforming itself.

[00:40:00]

Some of it is burrowing underground. Some of it is kind of swimming around. It’s forming together, let’s say that.

Emily

Okay. The Mossies are just gonna attack.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Gonna go bite?

Emily

Yup, gonna go bite.

Kyle

Alright, give me a Fierce roll.

Emily

[Rolls.] Whoops… 2, 4, 5.

[Threatening ambient music begins.]

Kyle

They go to bite, but for some reason as they go through, the bits of Kelassus just slip underneath them or slip through the attacking moss balls. As it reforms in front of them, Katrina Kollect’em says:

Kyle (as Katrina)

Wow. You are not the sharpest tool in the woodshed, are you? Just thinking you can do the same thing over and over and over and over.

Kyle

She looks over at Rasputin.

Kyle (as Katrina)

And over again. That’s not how you tame a wild beast there.

Tom (as Hilda)

That’s pretty tough talk for someone who hasn’t got a single attack off!

Kyle (as Katrina)

Ugh… you city folk. Y’all don’t get how challenging it is living in the middle of nowhere on your family’s country estate that only has five wells. Only five wells. You don’t appreciate the simple things, you know? You don’t appreciate the wind in your hair. You don’t appreciate the scent of the stables.

[Players snicker.]

And you don’t appreciate water.

[Music ends dramatically.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Katrina)

Kelassus… Drown.

Tom

[Gasps.]

Hallie

Christ!

[Intense rock music begins.]

Kyle

As she says that, the water on the beachside next to you starts to rise out of the ground.

Kyle (as Chazz)

Alright folks, you best get out those umbrellas because the splash zone is about to get a whole lot wider. Oh dear…

Kyle

Booker is not the only Necromon with a multi-hit attack.

Emily (as Booker)

[Concerned.] Rekoob?

Tom

Boo.

Kyle

I’m gonna do Multi-Hit. I’m going to attack all of you, and the one with the highest Defense is going to roll.

Tom

I’ve got 5 Dodge, so that’s me.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright. Tom will roll 5 Dodge with a boost and with his extra die because you set up to Dodge.

Tom

So it’s five… one extra die for Hard Cover, so it will be six. Face the heart of the cards.

[Rolls.] Ooh! That is six successes and two more sixes for the Crit Gauge.

Emily

[Gasps and laughs.]

Tom

Did you think to challenge me in my place of power?!

Emily (as Booker)

[Excited.] Rekoob! Rekoob!

[Inspirational action music begins.]

Kyle

This wave is crashing down on you. When it hits the inside of the battlefield, the battlefield is gonna do a protective barrier, but there is so much water coming in that some of it is splashing out onto the audience, onto the announcers, filling the battlefield.

Tom

Can Booker make a little vortex to keep the water away?!

Kyle

But Booker blocks it. How does he do it?

Tom

Booker spins around like a top and just whirls around creating a little vortex to siphon the water up and away, making a little safe zone all around the friendly ‘mons.

Emily (as Booker)

[Reverberating with power.] Rekoooob!

Kyle

The water goes to hit, but the sides of the book flair out and this energy comes out of it and seems to be creating this shield, a vortex, protecting every ‘mon within it. And the water goes down.

[Music ends.]

Actually, I’m gonna do something quick.

[Rolls.] Okay, never mind. I rolled a Dodge for the Boidelrat. They did successfully dodge.

Tom

[Laughs.] I appreciate that the Boidelrat were being targeted especially because that would have caused a loss immediately.

Kyle (as Katrina)

What… the… FUCK… happened? Nobody was affected by Kelassus!

Kyle (as Rasputin)

What do you mean? All of my precious Boidelrat, they are naked, nude in the wind in front of everyone else.

Kyle

You can see that the Boidelrat are just all skeleton now, nice and clean, some covered by little bits of algae and stuff. One’s got a fish inside of it but for the most part without any trash on it.

[Laughter.]

Emily

“They are naked.”

Tom

These damp little trash possums.

Kyle

Katrina just starts sitting there and she just starts tearing up a little bit.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Ah, don’t be like that. I will attack for you.

Kyle

And he turns around to face you, but he faces a team that has had their Critical meter filled. Irene and Hilda, what do you do next?

Tom

I don't know what you want, Emily, but I feel like a Signature Attack combo is the most appropriate way to just wipe the field.

[00:45:00]

Emily

That’s what I feel, but we can only attack one target with it is the only thing.

Tom

But since it’s still my Signature Attack, I still have Multi-Hit.

Emily

Oh, you have Multi-Hit!

Tom

So it does not matter.

Emily

Okay, yeah. I like that one.

Tom

I am very much in favor of this overkill, just absolutely stomp them.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Alright. So Tom, you are doing Multi-Hit, so you roll with setback which means only 5 or higher counts. I am also gonna roll with setback.

Tom

Yes, indeed. Such a shame.

Kyle

[Rolls.] And then you roll as well, Emily.

Emily

I roll as well?

Kyle

Each Necromon is gonna roll an attack.

Tom

[Rolls. Cackles.] Ah…

Emily

[Rolls.] Mallea got four and Mossies got two.

Kyle

What did Booker get, Tom?

Tom

That is five successes.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Jesus.

Kyle

Well, I will have you know that I got… nothing. I got zero.

Emily

[Laughs.] I also want it on the record that three out of four successes for Mallea were sixes.

Tom

I also got two out of the five as sixes.

Kyle

Cool! Yeah. Just over… Let me just fucking— [Throws his notes.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Go! Describe your victory.

[Victorious rock music begins.]

Emily

The Mossies rush in for bloody retribution and start trying to chew on Kelassus but realize just in time and roll out of the way as Mallea’s shadow grows larger and larger as he launches himself onto it.

Tom

As the Kelassus is just squashed, the vortex from Page Turner Twister sweeps over the battlefield, scooping up any last water and just sucking the Boidelrats up into the air and just smacking them back down.

Emily (as Booker)

Rekoooob!

Tom (as Mossies)

See-sawm… See-sawm!

Kyle (as Boidelrat)

Tarledoib! Tarledoib! Tarledoib!

Ari (as Mallea)

Uh-lay-um!

Tom (as Kelassus)

Sus-uh-lehk!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And everyone gets silent. The battlefield is empty. Chazz Casey looks over to Sammy.

Kyle (as Chazz)

[Softly.] You take the floor for this one, partner.

Kyle (as Sammy)

Uh… Hilda and Irene win.

[The crowd applauds. Upbeat indie rock music begins.]

Kyle

Everyone starts cheering. From across the way you can see Katrina Kollect’em, she’s just crying.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] Aww, Katrina.

Kyle

But it’s crocodile tears.

Kyle (as Katrina)

[Sobbing.] Please reconsider…

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Ah. Well, my Boidelrat, I thought they would, uh… there are other children.

Kyle

You can see he takes off his Anastasia wig, puts on a different wig, a little dapper kids hat and gets back in line.

Hallie

“It’s me, Alexi.”

Tom

“I am… Tatiana. Mother, watch me battle in tournament. Olga is here too at tournament. Many siblings.”

[Laughter.]

Kyle

He takes off his head, moves it to the other side of the shoulder.

Kyle (as Rasputin)

Yes, it is me, Olga.

Kyle

Alright, Hilda and Irene, I will let you.

Tom

Hilda wants to high-five Irene.

Emily

Irene looks at the raised hand, reaches up, grabs it, pulls it down, and shakes it.

Tom

Hilda allows this to happen.

Tom (as Hilda)

Okay. This is fine too. You did really good, and your Necromon did real good.

Emily (as Irene)

You performed adequately for my rival, and while I do not think that you correctly interpreted my “stay in the background” plan, I will say that, for what you did, it was good.

Tom (as Hilda)

Thank you.

Kyle (as Alina)

[Chanting.] Hilda! Hilda!

Kyle

You can see from the audience your moms are just cheering for you, honking the clown horns, honking the vuvuzelas.

Emily

Honking their noses.

Kyle

Yulia’s got a bunch of different instruments. She’s a one-woman band playing. You can see them just uproariously having a good time.

Irene, you turn of course to face them as well, and you can see next to them… your family.

[Music ends.]

Your dad, good old Earl, trying his best, giving a big applause, and next to him, big brother Elliot does nothing.

Hallie

[Shrieks in anger.]

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Shouts angrily.] My throat has just started making these noises. UGH! Fucking infuriating. Why am I nemeses with everybody who’s awful?!

[00:50:00]

Kyle

Alright, so we’re gonna flash back to Sparky.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

A lot of time has passed. You spent a lot of time talking to Lucas but also listening in on Elliot Hawthorne.

Hallie

That’s correct. Yeah.

Kyle

Not much happened after the tournament. Earl was like:

Kyle (as Earl)

Are you sure you don’t wanna stay to congratulate Irene?

Kyle (as Elliot)

Um… what for?

Emily

Trash man.

[Mockingly.] “Oh, I knew she would need help. Mm.”

Kyle

I remember you saying outside of the recording that you had one other thing you wanted to do with Lucas.

Emily

Only one?

Tom

[Snickers.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That’s the problem. The problem is she was going to invite him back to a quiet place where he could spill the beans about all those things he couldn’t because of prying ears, and that place was, um… her car. But then she was gonna follow it up with “I realize what that sounds like, but no, I really have outfitted my car with anti-surveillance tech so nobody could hear questions being answered,” which also doesn’t sound as good as it did in my head, but it’s all for up-and-up journalistic purposes.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Well, um, it’s getting pretty late right now. I should probably go back. I gotta do the closing announcements, but…

Kyle

He reaches his hand across the table.

Kyle (as Lucas)

It was really nice talking to you, Sparky.

Hallie

Fuck!

Kyle (as Lucas)

Maybe next time we can meet up in your van… or whatever.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, next time could be this time if you want… if  you wanted to.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Lucas)

[Chuckles.] I’ll see you later, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. Yeah, that’s fine… yeah, okay.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Oh, and make sure—

Kyle

He points back to you.

Kyle (as Lucas)

Make sure Hilda gets that manila envelope that Mr. Scuba gave me. He was very adamant.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh, don’t worry, I will pass this on to Hilda.

Kyle

And Lucas Bang walks off.

Hallie

Sparky goes back to her sick van and, in the passenger seat—

Kyle

The seat, mind you, is covered with Reese’s In Pieces melted stuff.

Hallie

That’s correct.

Kyle

Got on the engines, got on the seats, got on the handlebars.

Emily

[Laughing.] The handlebars?

Kyle

She has multiple. Yes. I didn’t stutter.

Hallie

[Laughing.] handlebars? Inside a car?!

Emily

But the handlebars of what?! It’s a van!

Hallie

Handlebars of what?!

Okay. She goes back to the driver seat and she has to calm down for a second.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay. That wasn’t as bad as you thought. Wow, that was weird. You like had a conversation. That was weird. You had a conversation where you answered questions mostly honestly. That was, hmm… interesting, interesting, interesting.

Hallie

While she’s saying this, she opens up the envelope to see what’s inside it, but there’s one more thing I wanted to happen, but I don't know how to make it happen.

Kyle

What did you want to happen?

Hallie

I don't know what’s gonna be in this, but I assume it’s gonna be an end-of-episode stinger. The thing is, I want to look at it and then I want Sparky to be like “oh my god” or something like that and go to throw her car in reverse to go find Hilda or whatever, or go home, but then it goes forward—and I would really like it to lurch over a bunch of bushes into whatever party Quique is at right now.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Because we didn’t pay off the Slice of Life Complication, so I was like “oh, shit, I have to go to my car so that we can do that.” I just happened to not be in my car. I think literally running over Lionel would be extremely funny.

Ari

Oh no.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Well…

[Mysterious music box music begins.]

You reach into the manila envelope, and what you pull out is interesting. It is a page, completely blank, with an edge that’s not fully accurate. Like, the outside-facing edge isn’t fully straight, it’s kind of ruffled a little bit. But the one thing that’s been unmistakable about this page is that it was ripped out of a book.

Tom

[Grumbles.]

[Music ends. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

So, Quique. You’ve been going from the party place to place. Lionel has been trying to talk to you multiple times. Every so often you’ll be having a conversation. What might you be talking about?

Ari

I mean, just catching up with people, seeing how they’re doing, how’s high school going for some of the people, or like “oh, they finally finished building this new building that they have been taking forever,” or like “this bridge that they fixed fell again and they had to fix it again so there’s traffic in this area.” Things like that, that I talk when I go back home.

Kyle

Yeah. Let’s say you’re talking to… Give me a name.

Ari

Uh… Mauricio.

Kyle

You’re talking to Mauricio.

Kyle (as Mauricio)

Yeah, you know, the project has been… the project took a real long time, and I’m really proud of the work we did, but I just realized that I couldn’t spend enough time with my kids. I was too busy with all the work stuff. So, I don’t want to make that kind of mistake again, you know?

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah. It’s definitely important to spend time with the people that you care about, you know, because sometimes it—

[00:55:00]

Kyle (as Lionel)

[Loudly.] Ha, ha, ha! Me too! That is so… yeah, true. Um… Quique! Can I talk to you about the thing? I feel like we should really prep for the thing.

Ari (as Quique)

What? What do you want, Lionel? I feel like you’ve been wanting to say something to me.

Kyle (as Lionel)

[Chuckles nervously.] What gave you that impression?

Ari (as Quique)

Just make it quick. I was talking here about Mauricio’s job and it’s way more interesting than whatever you’re here to talk to me about.

Kyle (as Mauricio)

No, no, no. You’ve already listened to my story enough. You two catch up. Alright? Have a good time. I’ll see you around. I’ll see you later, tio.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Quique)

No! No, I mean… Please come back.

Kyle (as Mauricio)

I’ll see you later, Tio Quique.

Kyle

He’s gone.

Ari

Please come back! No!

Kyle (as Lionel)

Well, you know, I just… I thought we should practice for the, uh—

Kyle

And you hear a mic tap, “two, two, two, two.”

Ari

If you want Ariel to be testing the audio, one way that people in Mexico at least test the audio is just by saying “dos,” which is two, repeatedly. Like, “dos.” I have no idea, but they just go “dos,” and it’s so fucking funny to me.

Kyle

Yeah, no, I love that.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Dos… Dos… Dos. Alright… so um, welcome everybody. Thanks for coming to this, uh… fiesta, to celebrate Yuna’s great job at the Necromon Championship today.

Kyle

Everyone applauds as Yunuen comes out, just real excited.

Ari

Quique’s also gonna applaud and potentially approach, like “yeah, woo!”

Emily

So not casually approaching the child?

[laughter.]

Ari

No, not casually approaching.

Hallie

Enthusiastically approach the child.

Ari

Casually disengage from Lionel but not casually approach the child.

Kyle

She looks super excited at you and super excited at Lionel who also follows. Her Pik Pik is next to her and she is real excited to see the two of you in particular for some reason.

Emily (as Pik Pik)

Kip-kip.

Kyle (as Ariel)

To celebrate Yuna doing such a great job today, she’s gotten a very, very, very special treat, because her two favorite tios in the whole wide world…

[Scary musical sting.]

Kyle

And they point to you and Lionel.

Kyle (as Ariel)

…are going to sing a heartful boisterous duet of Cielito Lindo.

[Music ends.]

Ari

… That’s Quique’s reaction, the same as my reaction, which is just silence. I guess he would do it if only because it’s for her, and he’ll pretend that he enjoys it, but…

Kyle

You feel a mic slam against your chest.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Lead the way, tio.

[Cielito Lindo begins.]

[A vehicle screeches, and crashes hard, and the music changes to ghostly credits music.]

Kyle

And that’s when a van tumbles over the bush, and Lionel’s bones scatter throughout the crowd.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Surprise!

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Hallie

Is that too much? Is that too much? I was going for like a cartoonish gag, because he’s a skeleton.

Kyle

I mean, he’s fine, he’s a skeleton, he’s unaffected.

Hallie

Okay. I don’t wanna traumatize the child.

Kyle

I would say she’s into metal ass shit, so he’d probably bounce around like:

Kyle (as Lionel)

Ah-ha! Look at me. I’m juggling all my parts! [Hums a circus tune.]

Kyle

It’s like a crowd surf—Actually, no, he would be like…

Kyle (as Lionel)

I’m crowd surfing!

Kyle

…as all of his different individual bones move across the audience.

Ari

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Kyle

And then, the Boidelrat… for simplicity’s sake and because they fucking suck, they’re trash-tier Rattata Necromon.

Hallie

I love them.

Kyle

They have little different bits of trash on them.

[01:00:00]

One’s got some Capri-Fun. The other’s got Laterade. That’s how you can tell what’s different.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah! Yeah. You know what? Oh wait, are those empanadas over there? You know, sorry, I’m just gonna go. I haven’t eaten—

[Someone types into the chat.]

Ari

I said empanadas, I didn’t say bananas.

Hallie

That makes so much more sense! “Aw man, these fucking bananas.”

[Laughter.]

Tom

God damn it, Hallie.

Hallie

Really gotta get this sweet, sweet banana.

Kyle

Anyways. That’s why Lucas Bang would have thought you would have talked to Elliot, because, of all of you, he is the only one who has heard both Elliot and Irene’s last names. I made sure that Sparky never, at least in the sessions, heard Irene’s last name.

Hallie

Fuckin’… I never even asked about Elliot’s real last name, like out of character. I was like, I don’t fucking care, he’s Elliot, who cares. Nobody cares about Elliot because he sucks.

Tom

God.

Emily

This is also why Irene responded “there are no good Elliots.”

[Laughter.]

When you said that there was a terrible Elliot.

Hallie

[Laughs loudly, devolving into silly sounds.]

Tom

Jesus Christ.

Hallie

I love that.

Kyle (as Ariel)

Welcome everybody. Thanks for coming to this, uh… fiesta, to celebrate my little sister, uh…

[Long pause.] …Yunuen’s great job at the Necromon Championship today.

Ari

[Grinning.] Fucking Ariel forgetting the name of their sister. I know that it was you figuring out how to pronounce it, but I just…

Hallie

They’ve had a long day.

Kyle

Is the plural of tio “tio?”

Ari

No, it’s tios.

Kyle

Tios, okay.

Ari

Yeah. I remember—You can cut this out completely. I remember in college a girl that was not a native Spanish speaker said that I was not a native Spanish speaker because she was like “the singular of gods is ‘dio’ and the plural is ‘dios’,” and I was like that’s not true, and then she was like “whoever told you this information is not a native speaker.”

Hallie

[Scoffs.] God.

Ari

Feel free to cut this entire rant. I just still remember it and I was like WOW.

Kyle

Do you want me to cut it?

Tom

I feel like this is definitely in after-credits now.

Hallie

Right.

Kyle

Because if you don’t want me to cut it, I’ll keep it.

Ari

Oh, it’s up to you. I don’t care. If you keep it, I just feel like this will detract. You can put it in the after-credits. It’s just like, “oh, the singular of gods is ‘dio’,” and no, it’s dios. Dios is a fucking singular in this instance. Anyways. Whatever plural of whatever you said, you are incorrect. I forget what you asked.

Hallie

[Laughs.] You are INCORRRECT!

Ari

Tio is tios. In this case, that is correct, but in the case of gods, that is not correct.

Kyle

Tios.

Ari

So tio and tios, yeah.

Kyle

Tios, okay.