Dread w/Ari, Part 1

[Intro song plays, ‘Welcome to the Family’ by Miracle of Sound.]

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

[Exhales.]

Kyle

[Claps once.] Well, I’m not host anymore, so…

Ari

[Shakily.] Oh… okay. I guess I will do it.

Hello everybody. I don't know—how do I start the thing? Do I just say this? Hello everybody…

Kyle

[Grinning.] Welcome to Quest Friends.

Ari

We are the Quest Friends and this is one of our mid-season campaigns. In this one, I am hosting a one-shot by the tabletop RPG Dread which is published by The Impossible Dream and co-creator Epidiah Ravachol. In addition to that, I also want to give a quick shout-out to the partial inspiration for this roleplay that I’m doing which is the podcast Grimm Readings, specifically the episode The Boy Who Went Forth to Learn What Fear Was. I am Ari, pronouns she/her.

Tom

My name is Tom, he/him.

Emily

Emily, she/they pronouns.

Hallie

I’m Hallie, she/her pronouns.

Kyle

I’m Kyle, the other he/him. This is gonna be my first—Anyone Can Wear the Mask kind of was me as a player, but this is my first player session! So this is exciting.

Ari

Excellent. Okay, so I guess we’ll—Oh! I guess I need to explain how Dread works.

[Laughter.]

So, Dread, as I mentioned, this RPG is fun and I have actually run it before, once, also with most of the people here right now. It’s really cool because originally what you do is you have a Jenga tower and every time you do an action you pull a block from the Jenga tower, or several blocks depending on how hard your action is, and then if the tower drops your character either dies or something irreversible happens to them, which is kind of what I’m going to go with.

Obviously, because we’re doing this virtually, we don’t have a Jenga tower, so instead what we’re going to do is we’re going to use dice and we’re going to roll a die whenever people want to do an action. If people roll the same number that has been rolled before, we will count that as if the tower had been dropped.

Kyle

Are we gonna start with 6 as the first death number?

Ari

We can!

Hallie

I thought no death numbers were first.

Ari

Yeah, I was going to give you guys a freebie roll and then…

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

Yeah, that was the impression I got from this description just now.

Kyle

Well, we’re making this up as we go along, Tom. It could be whatever the fuck we want it to be.

Hallie

We can. Relevant follow-up question. When you roll a death number, say 6, somebody rolls a 6 and then a second person rolls a 6 and then dies… Does 6 get reset as a death number?

Ari

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari

Because otherwise…

Tom

Okay. It means we aren’t all going to just die on mass at one point.

Ari

Yeah. I have death scenarios, and it would be fun if at least one person died, but I don’t want everybody to die right away.

Kyle

Right away, that’s the key word here.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Right, right away.

Tom

Very key word here.

Ari

Right away. Yes. Okay, so are we ready to get started?

Hallie

Yeah!

Tom

Yeah~

Kyle

Yes.

Ari

Alright, here begins my narration.

[Halloween piano music begins.]

You all have heard of the old house that is sitting in the middle of the street in your town. Everyone in your town has heard about that old house, and specifically all of your town knows about the local legends surrounding this house, saying that whoever spends a full night in it will be able to obtain whatever item they most desire no matter how fantastical or impossible it may sound.

Despite this, you have never heard of anyone actually attempting to spend the night in it, or at least you don’t think you have, but tonight everything is going to change. For whatever reason, you decided today was the day you would try your luck and spend the night in this abandoned house, prove the legend true, and drape yourself in glory with the item of your choice.

So, you went forth to the place where no one has ever dared to go before. Unfortunately, so did three other people.

[Laughs. Music ends.]

So, right now you’re standing in front of this house. Who are you? What are you doing here?

Tom

I can go first because I have not revealed my name to people that I finalized last night.

Ari

Only to me. I’m very excited.

Tom

Only to you. Ahem…

[Overly-serious action hero theme begins.]

My name is Brent Chazz, and I only know one thing… I need to kill Chaos.

[Others fight to restrain giggles.]

It’s very important to me that the forces of Chaos and Chaos itself be destroyed. The guys down at the pub said that, with this legend, I could finally obtain the Orb of Chaos to destroy Chaos forever.

Kyle

I’m so excited.

[00:05:00]

Tom

Zooming back for a moment, Brent Chazz, he’s got that short-cut but kind of styled blonde bro hair. A bit of stubble. He doesn’t need to shave, he knows what he’s here for.

Ari

God…

Tom

He’s wearing a red polo shirt that’s kind of long. It looks like it’s supposed to be tucked in but it’s not, it’s just out, and he’s wearing tight black jeans with a chain hanging from the belt like he’s a goddamn Kingdom Hearts character.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Also, his pronouns are he/him, if you had not guessed.

Kyle

I’m so excited to pick music for that character. You have no idea.

Ari

[Smiling.] I’m so upset by all of the choices done tonight.

[Music ends.]

Tom

Brent Chazz, everybody!

Ari

Brent Chazz!

[Laughter.]

Emily

Would anybody mind if I went last?

Kyle

I need to go third or fourth, so I’m gonna wait.

Hallie

Okay, so I’ll go next then.

[Cool rock music begins.]

Also standing in front of this house, but not speaking to anyone because they’re all beneath him, is a man who has a long billowing blue overcoat. You can tell that he’s rich by his overcoat because it’s just not something a normal person would wear. He is shuffling a deck of cards in his hands and then he’ll put them in his little, like… He’s got a little holster but for cards and just for cards. He’ll cross his arms.

Hallie (as Pesto)

I, Pesto Scuba, will emerge victorious with the White-Eyes Blue Dragon card because, as we all know, ghosts aren’t real, so this will be a piece of cake.

[Music ends.]

Ari

[Chuckling.] God.

Kyle

So you’ve got Chazz—You’ve got Brent Chazz there. You got Pesto Scuba there. Standing behind them just absentmindedly twiddling his hands, just a normal-looking guy looks at Pesto Scuba in his giant trench coat.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Peter)

Hey. Are, uh… Are you in the line for the GeForce RTX3082?

Hallie (as Pesto)

I already have three. Why would I need another one?

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh, okay. Well, I wonder where the line is then.

[Silly Halloween music begins.]

Kyle

This man, his name is Peter, P-E-T-E-R, Huynh, H-U-Y-N-H. He is a pretty average-looking guy, late 20s. He’s got this short, very dark brown hair and just a nice smile. He’s just a happy guy, happy to be there waiting in line.

Emily (as Sammy)

I’m sorry, uh… this is a crime scene. You can’t be here. FBI.

Emily

He flips up the badge and then flips it closed before you can look at it.

Ari

Fuck. [Laughs.]

Emily (as Sammy)

Uh… Agent Zeppelin.

Emily

He looks a little frantic about it.

Kyle

[Smug.] Agent Zeppelin.

Emily

This is not his name.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

[Smiling.] I’m so upset. I don't know if you attempted to mimic exactly like Sam Winchester, but you sounded just like him.

[Music ends.]

Tom

Oh… Oh, don’t worry.

Kyle

We’ll get there.

Emily

[Smiling bright.] We’ll get there.

Ari

[Defeated.] Okay. Fine.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Ari

God, I’m so angry. Okay. So—

Hallie

Just to specify, I completely ignore the FBI agent telling me that I can’t do things and I just go into the fucking house and don’t talk to anybody else.

Emily

Well, he’s also wearing jeans and a flannel. He doesn’t look very professional, and he won’t actually show you his badge.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Peter thinks he’s a cosplayer, and so yeah, he’d be here for the graphics card, so Peter will actually get in line behind him and he’ll extend his hand.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Peter)

Hey. My name’s Peter. P-E-T-E-R. Nice to meet you.

Emily (as Sammy)

Nice to meet you, but you really shouldn’t be here. This is a crime scene.

Tom (as Brent)

It’s true, crimes have been committed… by Chaos.

Ari

[Laughing.] By Chaos.

Emily (as Sammy)

You can’t be here either. This is, uh… FBI jurisdiction.

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh yeah, no, I get it. I get it. No, I don’t support Ubisoft games, so we’re fine there.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh my god.

Tom

Incredible.

Emily

The thing is, he’s not gonna stop anybody who tries to go in, he’s just gonna reach his hand out like “no… don’t do it,” but not actually.

Kyle

I’m still behind you. I’m just standing there. [Laughs.]

Ari

Just standing there.

Emily

Well, Mr. Scuba is booking it in there.

Hallie

Oh no, he’s not booking it. It’s a saunter. He’s just like… He’s walking in as if he owns this house, which he doesn’t.

Tom

Brent is walking in like he’s gonna slow-walk and kick open the door. Actually, he probably does kick open the door if he reaches it first.

Ari

Okay, uh… God, this is the weird thing about not having actual numbers, because I can’t make you roll to see who reaches the house first or anything.

Hallie

Why not?

Kyle

Yeah. Typically the way it would work is that if somebody wanted to beat someone else they would automatically lose unless they pulled a Jenga block or rolled a die.

[00:10:00]

If they were competing with each other, then it would be kind of an arms race back and forth, so whoever’s the aggressor pulls a die to succeed and then whoever’s defending pulls a block to succeed.

Ari

Oh~

Kyle

It’s basically them pulling blocks until one of them is like no, no, I’m not gonna do that.

Ari

Oh god.

Tom

[Menacingly.] So, who wants to back down first, Koontz?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Well, the thing is, I don't know that Pesto really cares about making it first.

Tom

Brent also doesn’t care.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Peter opens the door!

[Laughter.]

Maybe the line’s in there.

Tom

I love it.

Ari

Okay. For no particular reason, roll me your first freebie die.

Kyle

[Rolls.] The first death number is 12.

Ari

Twelve! It’s my favorite number!

Excellent. Excellent. Alright. Obviously nothing happens because it’s the first death number, but I wanted this. So…

[Ambient horror music begins.]

You touch the handle and you kind of feel a quick electric jolt like when you touch a thing and it’s kind of like electricity, but it passes away kind of fast. You just feel it at first. Then the door of the house opens almost like on its own, and you don’t really see much of the house inside, you just see it open and it’s ready for you all to go inside if you so wish.

Kyle

Yeah. Peter’s just gonna go…

Kyle (as Peter)

Ow… [Seethes.]

Man, that hurt.

Ari

[Laughs.] Aww.

Tom

Yeah, Brent will just walk in, somberly.

Emily (as Sammy)

I don't think you understand, though. That electricity, it’s a warning…

[Music ends abruptly.]

I mean, for non-supernatural things that are very mundane and have to do with FBI jurisdiction, but uh…

[Music returns.]

You shouldn’t go in.

Ari

Do you say that, as—like, do you follow them as you say that or are you just saying it?

[Music ends.]

Emily

I am last in line as I try to tell them not to go in.

[Ambient horror music and house creaking SFX begins.]

Ari

Okay. So, you enter the house and the first thing you notice is just that it’s really cold and it’s also not super-well lit. In fact, after you all are inside, you notice that it’s not lit because the door behind you has closed, true haunted house fashion. If you are to turn around, there’s actually no door anymore.

It’s hard to see what else is inside the house. It seems super foggy, like there’s a lot of mist inside this house. The only thing you can see is kind of a desk in the middle of this room and behind this desk there seems to be a towering figure, maybe six feet—not six feet, that’s too little. Like eight feet tall, super lean and long, and you can barely see its face. On the desk there’s four piles of paper standing in front of the desk. The figure is motionless and it’s kind of hard to see how it looks like.

[SFX/Music ends.]

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh. Hi, I’m sorry. Is um… Are you closed? Google said you were open.

Ari

The figure is going to look at you and say:

[Upbeat, jazzy Halloween music begins.]

Ari (as figure)

Ah! Hello there, guests. My name is Fistivos Vespacci. I am your, for lack of better word, host in this house, the Monorva Household. I hope you enjoy your stay for the remainder of the night.

In front of you, you can see the contract that you have all provided me where you compromised to stay the night in this place and I compromised to give you the prize at the end of your stay here. I will make sure that this contract is completed to the best of your abilities.

Ari

So, Fistivos is going to take the papers and he’s gonna look at the items in your contract.

Ari (as Fistivos)

Ah. Yeah, I believe I can provide all of this no problem. I have some Chaos orbs lying around the house. Definitely these cards…

Ari

Then he’s gonna look at Peter and be like:

[Music stops abruptly.]

Ari (as Fistivos)

Uh… you know that is a new model coming up, right? No matter. No matter. I will try to give you this card, try to give it as fast as I can, if you do manage to spend the night in here.

Ari

Do you have any reactions to this boy as he’s just laying this all out?

[00:15:00]

Kyle

Peter looks livid. He is absolutely furious. As he goes over to his contract and reluctantly signs it, he murmurs under his breath.

Kyle (as Peter)

Damn scalpers.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Tom

Brent is also fuming.

Tom (as Brent)

Fistivos, I swore to never make any deal with the forces of Chaos, but if the only way to progress further is to step into the jaws of defeat, then I’ll do it… for the sake of killing Chaos.

Tom

[Smiling.] And he signs his name with the most squiggly, careless dude-bro signature. It’s not even letters.

Ari

Amazing.

Hallie (as Pesto)

Scuba Corp lawyers probably said something about you being here. This is all fine.

Hallie

He’ll sign it and then slam the pen down on the paper and make eye contact with Fistivos.

Hallie (as Pesto)

As long as I get my card.

Ari (as Fistivos)

Ah, this is precisely why I have resorted to providing you with contracts, because previous guests, which may or may not have stayed the night in here previously—you have no way of proving that, have sometimes demanded and complained about the lack of a contract, so I decided to make this a little bit easier and provide you with that. So, no worries. I am the one that ensures that you are legally bound to complete.

Hallie (as Pesto)

That’s a sound business practice.

Kyle

I’m just thinking of Fistivos as that grandma that gets you the game that’s not quite the game you asked for. Like, you asked for the new Pokémon game and you instead got—

Ari

Just, like, the bootleg Pokémon thing.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

I once received Animal Crossing for the 3DS from a very well-intended family member, but I did not own a 3DS.

Ari

Oh no!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

So I could not play it. It was really sad.

Emily (as Sammy)

Just give me a moment.

Emily

He reads over the contract.

Emily (as Sammy)

I spent some time in law school, so I know a little bit about this.

Ari

[Smiling.] God, you’re fucking—you’re playing Sam Winchester. I’m so angry.

Emily

[Laughing.] He’s going to read very carefully over this contract and sign at the bottom… Sammy.

Ari

Oh no! Ugh… Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. You did such a fucking good voice that he does, like you did the fucking cadence. I’m so upset.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Ari

Okay… ugh, fine. Okay.

Kyle

His last name should be Sammy Chest.

Ari

Sammy Chest!

Tom

God, yes.

Ari & Hallie

[Delighted.] Sammy Chest…

Kyle

Or Sammy Winch.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Winch?

Ari

Sammy Winch! Sammy Winch! God. Anyways. I will explain to the listeners that Emily is looking—or, Sammy Winch is looking for the colt which is a supernatural item. Do you want to explain what that is, Emily?

[Western electric guitar music, like you’d hear in the TV show Supernatural, begins.]

Emily

[Laughs.] The colt is a gun that kills a lot of different supernatural creatures and may have three bullets and may have seven bullets and may have eight bullets and may have four bullets. We’ll see.

Tom

[Delighted.] God fucking damn it.

Ari

It has as many bullets as it wants to have.

Tom

I’m so mad about the bullets.

Emily

So yes, I’m playing Sammy Winch, he/him.

[Laughter. Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Ari

Hello and welcome to Quest Friends: Dread, Part 1. I am Ariadne, your GM and haunted house host. This is my first time running a Dread campaign for the podcast and recording a mid-announcement break, which is super exciting, so I hope you’re having fun with my adventure. Before we can get back to the shenanigans the party is getting into, I have a couple of announcements for you.

The first thing is that the theme song at the beginning of this episode is Welcome to the Family by Miracle of Sound.

The second thing is that, if you want to look at my really artistic map that I drew of the haunted house, it is located in the description of this episode.

The third and most important thing is that, if you’re looking for a place to tell new friends about Quest Friends, this would be a great time to jump into the show.

[00:20:00]

This is because we right now are transitioning between Season 1 and Season 2, so we are going to be releasing really small, self-contained, two-parter episodes that give a really good idea of what our podcast is about without having to be too intimidated by the backlog of Season 1. So, this would be a great time to tell a friend about what Quest Friends is about.

That’s all for now, so the next episode is going to be our Halloween special, All My Daemon Children, on Halloween, and then the second and final part of my adventure is going to be Dread, Part 2, and is going to be releasing on Monday, November 8. I will see you then.

[Silly Halloween music carries out of the announcements.]

Ari

So, you signed your contracts, and Fistivos will say:

Ari (as Fistivos)

Okay, this all seems good and legally binding. You are welcome to explore the house for the remaining of your stay, and I will maybe see you at a later time. We will see about that.

Ari

With that, the fog kind of dissipates a little bit, as well as the desk and that figure, and you’re standing in the foyer of this house.

[Silly haunted waltz music begins.]

It’s still cold. It’s still dimly lit but not as foggy around you. You would think that it didn’t happen if it weren’t for the fact that you are holding a piece of paper which doesn’t have the contract but it has a map to the house so that you can move around as you so wish, and it is time for me to send it to you.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Fair warning because this map is very bad.

Tom

I’m so excited for the map.

Kyle

Check the description for the full map.

Ari

It’s so bad. Here it is.

Tom

Ohh!

Ari

I will try to kind of describe it.

[Music resumes.]

There’s the big foyer where you’re all standing, and then there’s a dining room or dining hall on the left going up from the foyer. There’s a ballroom also on the left.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

On the right, there’s a playroom and there’s some stairs leading to the second floor in which there’s a main suite and then there’s three rooms and a garden. So, that’s what I have. You’re standing in the dimly-lit foyer.

Kyle

Very good map, by the way. I really like it.

Ari

[Small.] You like the map?

Tom

Oh, I love the map. It’s very good.

Kyle

No, it’s a very clear map.

Hallie

No, this is a great map.

Tom

Yeah, very straightforward.

Ari

[Small, smiling.] Thank you.

Kyle

I, Kyle, want to go to the garden, but…

Ari

The garden is on the… You know, looking back, it doesn’t really make physical sense but it’s on the second floor. The second floor I guess has a balcony with a garden because I am…

Tom

Look. That is the most Betrayal at the House on the Hill thing I have ever heard; “the garden is on the second floor.”

Ari

It’s a floating garden on the second floor. I didn’t realize.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Well, it’s like a rooftop garden. You know? It’s real classy.

Ari

Yeah.

Tom

Before we do a room at all, Brent was gonna turn to the rest of the—not party, exactly, but group.

Tom (as Brent)

Now that you’re all here, in this place of Chaos, you need to be able to protect yourselves.

Tom

He’s gonna reach into his pocket and just take out a handful of bullets. There’s no gun, just a handful of bullets, and pass them out to everyone else.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Brent)

Take this weapon. It’s very powerful, especially against living things.

Ari

Can I rule that… like, I don't know where you got these bullets, but what if these are the bullets that will fit specifically to the colt?

Emily

[Squeals in delight.]

Tom

If you want, hell yeah.

Emily

[Smiling.] Please?

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh, thanks man. This is super great.

Kyle

Peter’s gonna take the bullets and he’s gonna pull out his gun and load it.

[Laughter.]

As he’s casually loading his pistol, he’s gonna point to the playroom on the map.

Kyle (as Peter)

Hey. Have you guys ever tried out VR? It’s real cool. Let’s go take a look.

Tom (as Brent)

Do what you must. For now, I’m going to explore the left.

Ari

I figured this would happen. This is okay.

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh, no worries, man. Listen, I own a VR at home. Okay? I’m not gonna play or anything. You don’t have to worry about me cutting in line or anything like that. I just thought—

Tom (as Brent)

We’ll need to scour this entire place. We have no idea what sort of hidden treasures, puzzles, or monsters we will find. We must find them all.

[00:25:00]

Emily (as Sammy)

Please, before anybody goes anywhere…

Emily

Sammy looks around. Can I find an iron candelabra or fire poker or something?

Ari

Oh! Yeah. To the sides in the foyer, there are two big mirrors, and on the side of the mirrors there are two candelabras.

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

Are they challenging to take down?

Ari

But—Exactly, that’s the thing that I was going to say, that you need to roll.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

[Uneasy.] Okay. I will try to get one of them. I don’t think I dare two.

Kyle

Excited for Emily to get fucking stabbed.

Emily

I know! I’ll cut my hand and get tetanus.

[Laughter.]

Ari

No!

Emily

[Rolls.] I got 6.

Ari

Okay. I thought you were gonna say you got 12. Alright.

Tom

Yeah, you scared me for a minute there.

Kyle

[Laughs.] I was ready to turn over and Sammy’s just impaled on a candelabra.

Ari

Honestly, I wouldn’t put that past Sammy Winchester.

Emily

Yeah. So, have I successfully gotten a candelabra?

Ari

Yes. I want to say that you did grab the candelabra. It made a little bit of noise, that is like (boom) and it just reverberates like (bam, bam, bam) through the house, really loud and echoey.

Kyle

Thanks for making me do that sound design, Ari.

[Chuckling.]

Emily

Okay. So, Sammy is going to offer Pesto the candelabra and then gesture for Peter to hold out his hand.

Emily (as Sammy)

Please, uh… I need to give you something. It’s really important.

Kyle (as Peter)

Come on, guys. If I knew we were all bringing stuff, I would have brought like a cheese platter or something. I made a really cool recipe with my fiancé this last weekend. I could’ve brought that.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Peter)

But yeah, no, I’ll take it.

Emily

Sammy reaches into his pocket and dumps a bunch of salt into your open hand.

Ari

Oh my god!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Just loose powdered salt! Just loose granular salt.

Emily

He does not explain the candelabra and he will not explain the salt, but you both have these things now.

Hallie

Oh, Pesto has not taken the candelabra, actually. Pesto has been leaning coolly against the front window in the foyer that I just made up.

Kyle

[Laughing.] The front window?! We could leave at any time!

Ari

I will say, there isn’t a window, but there is a mirror.

Hallie

I’ve been imagining a window he can look coolly out. He’ll be leaning against the mirror because he’s that cool.

Kyle

Looking coolly out like it’s a window, though, so just at himself.

Hallie

As if it’s a window.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Real boyband pose, you know?

Hallie

He has to make a boyband pose. He’s been looking just so disdainfully at all of you, like this is ridiculous. He looked disdainfully at the loose bullets in Brent Chazz’s hand that he was handing out, and when he is attempted to be handed a candelabra he’ll just scoff.

Hallie (as Pesto)

Preparing? Don’t you think you’re all taking this just a little too seriously?

Kyle (as Peter)

Well yeah. You don’t want to be the guy who brings plates to a potluck.

Tom (as Brent)

The last time I didn’t take Chaos seriously… I lost all that I held dear. Feel free to scoff if you wish, but when Chaos appears… there will be no mercy.

Emily (as Sammy)

You know, I didn’t take things seriously when I was a kid, and well… my mom died.

[Super-duper sad electric guitar music begins.]

And then, I left behind that life and then my girlfriend died. And then, I tried to leave that life again and… my dad died. So yeah, we gotta take it seriously, man.

Ari

[Smiling, defeated.] So then, while you are doing this…

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Hallie

This is a top-tier performance.

Tom

Yeah. I’m here with my baby memes while you Sam Winchester it up.

Ari

Anyways. Did you respond to that, Pesto Kaiba? Or Pesto Scuba.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I almost did just call him Pesto Kaiba, because Scuba wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t think of a better word, but Pesto was so perfect as a substitute for Seto. Pesto will just openly scoff again.

Hallie (as Pesto)

It’s just a house. The only preparation you need is to spend an uncomfortable night on the floor, which I won’t be.

Hallie

Then he’s gonna turn and swoosh with his cape.

Hallie (as Pesto)

I’m gonna go find the master bedroom.

Hallie

And off he goes! He’s gonna go find it. He’s gonna go look specifically for the master bedroom, because that’s where he wants to be. That’s where he belongs.

Ari

Okay. I assume you’re all looking at Pesto as he’s speaking and he as leaning against the mirror.

Several

Yeah.

[Ambient horror music begins.]

Ari

So, if you look at that, you will see that suddenly his reflection is going to not match his actual pose, and instead you’re going to see that reflection move and hit the mirror behind him. I want you to roll to, like, when you did the swish of the cape—

[00:30:00]

Tom

You touched the fucking mirrors! You fool!

Ari

To do it fast enough.

Hallie

To not be yoinked? Alright.

Ari

And 6 is the death number, or one of the death numbers, already. Six and 12.

Hallie

Six and 12.

Tom

Six and 12.

Kyle

Six and 12, the death numbers.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

You got 6!

Ari

You got 6.

Kyle

You have a 10% chance of death.

Tom

Yeah, we’re gonna die real quick in this. Oh boy.

Hallie

First roll. First roll. First roll. First roll!

[Rolls.] Nineteen!

Several

Ohh!

Hallie

Yeah boy! Pesto Scuba.

Ari

So yeah, you do this swoosh thing kind of like in that Scooby Doo intro where they’re just walking and there’s that hand almost grabbing…

Hallie

Oh yeah!

Ari

You know what I’m talking about? Yeah, it’s like that.

Tom

Yeah. Grabbing for Daphne, right?

Ari

Yeah. It just doesn’t do it.

Hallie

For flavor, Pesto didn’t fucking notice.

Ari

Oh, I know he didn’t notice.

Hallie

Okay good.

Ari

I know he didn’t notice.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Good, good, good.

Tom

He doesn’t believe in ghosts.

Ari

Also, where is Sammy Winch? I get that Brent Chazz wants to go to the left somewhere.

Tom

Yeah, I’m gonna walk into the dining room.

Ari

Pete wants to go to the kids room. Right? No. Where do you want to go?

Kyle

The playroom. The playroom.

Ari

The playroom. And then, Pesto wants to go to the…

Hallie

The master suite.

Ari

…the master suite.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Where does Sammy Winch want to go? So that I…

Emily

Well, Sammy Winch has deduced, because he’s very good at this, that if the spirits in this house are reaching out specifically to Pesto, then he must be sort of a target of this negative—

Hallie

No~

Ari

Oh no. Are you going to follow Pesto?

Hallie

[Smiling.] Don’t follow me!

Kyle

Emily, you can’t keep flirting with Hallie’s characters.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Well, you know, every single romantic or really close interest of Sam dies, so have fun with that, Pesto Scuba.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Look. Sammy is still recovering from the passing of his girlfriend.

Tom

The passing of his girlfriend 15 years ago.

Emily

And he had a complicated relationship with his father, so he’s really emotionally vulnerable right now. But he also… he knows ghosts, and he knows that if Pesto is already getting manifestations of spirits around him that he may somehow be aggravating the energy. So, he is going to follow Pesto, pulling out a little EMF meter and waving it around behind him, very obtrusively.

Emily (as Sammy)

Please, Pesto, the EMF is going nuts.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

So, as Pesto and Sammy are walking towards the stairs and are on the deeper side of the foyer or whatever, you suddenly hear—and you all hear it—a deep, really loud sound. It sounds the equivalent of a whale sound all throughout the house.

Hallie

[Gradually growing into more of a shout.] Nooo~!

Emily

[Shrieks.]

Ari

You just hear like “woooo,” like that.

Hallie

I don’t like that!

Ari

And the house will reverberate a little, and you will notice, Pesto and Sammy specifically, because you’re walking in that direction, that above you there is another type of candelabra, the one that is one the ceiling. It will (rattle) so much that it will fall.

Emily

No!

Ari

I need you both to roll to avoid being crushed by it.

Hallie

Alright.

Emily

[Silly bellowing wail.]

Ari

If you want, Peter and Brent, to be in that general direction, you can also roll to avoid.

Kyle

You know, we’re already at 15% odds of death.

Tom

I think we’re good. I think we’re good over here. You know?

Hallie

[Rolls.]

Kyle

I was gonna go that way, but I actually decided to go follow Brent, so I’m not in the way anymore.

Emily

Yeah.

[Rolls.] Well, I got a 15.

Ari

Okay.

Hallie

I got 12.

[Shouting and laughter.]

Tom

Oh no!

Ari

Oh no! Oh my god. Oh!

Hallie

We’ve been playing for less than an hour.

Tom

Oh my god.

Ari

Okay. This is fine. So…

Hallie

There he goes! He’s just dead.

[Tragic horror music begins.]

Kyle

So, how does he die? I want to know, viscerally. Is he just stabbed to death, or…?

Ari

Well yeah, so like, basically—

Hallie

[Laughing.] “Well yeah!”

Ari

Sammy was able to avoid the falling candelabra, but Pesto was not fast enough, probably because he was just too focused on being cool and walking slow and did not believe in fact that a candle was falling on top of him, so he was squished. I’m going to type a thing for Hallie only and I am going to send you a direct message.

Hallie

Okay.

Tom

While this happens, Brent, who is presumably still out in the foyer, looking over and seeing this, will say to Sammy:

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Brent)

That was too close. You were almost a Pesto sandwich.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Sammy might have laughed in a different situation,

[00:35:00]

but as it is, he’s fallen to his knees to cradle Pesto’s head.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Super-duper sad electric guitar music begins.]

Emily (as Sammy)

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I tried… I can’t believe it happened again.

[Laughter.]

Ari

So, you’re mourning him. You are crying or whatever, or just being a little sad.

Emily

Oh yeah. It’s like, they’re sensitive but manly tears.

Ari

A single man tear.

Hallie

Yes, perfect.

Ari

You will notice as you’re sitting that suddenly there is someone standing right next to you, flowing cape and all.

[Music changes unsettling horror music.]

As you look, you will see the standing figure of Pesto Scuba looking down at you. He looks somehow a little bit glitchy, a little like, if you see how the body looks, there’s something kind of weird about it, but other than that he just looks like regular old Pesto Scuba standing there staring at you. You two also notice, Brent and Peter, if you want to notice as well.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah. Peter would have just been like:

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh shit. Oh shit! Oh---Oh… Thank goodness.

[Exhales in relief.] You know, I’ve been watching too many of those spooky horror movies recently.

[Chuckles.] You know, “show me your booty~!”

[Laughter.]

Kyle

He looks around and he says that.

Hallie

There it is!

Kyle

It just echoes in the space.

Kyle (as Peter)

It’s a joke. It’s a thing I do with my… Because, eh…? You know, ghosts, and—

Hallie (as Pesto)

There are no such thing as ghosts!

Hallie

Pesto says, and then he’s gonna look down at—

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Brent)

How can we be certain that you’re the real Pesto Scuba?

Hallie (as Pesto)

Was that even a question?

Tom (as Brent)

[Stammers.] Yes, it was. That’s why I phrased it to you.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Okay. Pesto can see his body bleeding out on the floor, right?

Ari

My thinking was that the candle was big enough that it covered most of the body, but yeah, there is something, definitely.

Tom

Little bits of Pesto just squeezing out from the sides.

Hallie

Great.

Ari

There’s something underneath the candle, for sure. It’s really squished and not easy to distinguish, but it could be potentially Pesto’s body.

Hallie (as Pesto)

I can’t believe you’d fall for such a paltry illusion.

Hallie

[Laughing.] And then he swishes his cape again and continues upstairs. He spends no more time dwelling on this.

Emily (as Sammy)

Pesto…

Emily

Sammy follows, but Sammy’s mission is no longer to protect Pesto from the ghosts, his mission is to help Pesto understand that he doesn’t need to be a ghost, that he can move on.

Hallie

Great.

Emily

That heaven is waiting for him.

Hallie

Oh god! I don't know if it’s heaven waiting for Pesto Scuba.

Emily

Not like really good heaven, though, like medium normal heaven.

Hallie

Okay. That’s more realistic, but that’s not…

Ari

Not turbo heaven, okay.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Brent)

Let’s go, Peter. I have a feeling that man is going to bring down the wrath of Chaos upon us all.

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh… Yeah man.

Tom (as Brent)

Let’s step inside.

Ari

Alright. You both head to the dining hall.

[Halloween waltz music begins.]

As you enter, you will see that there is a table with a lot of different food laid out on it. Most of it is delicacies such as chicken nuggets and chicken wings and all of those trashy feel-good foods, but there’s also other more nice foods there now and then. At the very edge of the table there is a figure sitting in front of all of it, not moving. You’ve noticed that you’re also a little bit hungry, but you don’t have to eat stuff if you don’t want to, but I mean… you are hungry and it looks really good.

Kyle

How does Peter feel about trash food?

Ari

[Smiling.] There’s a reason why I said that there was trash food.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay, perfect. Yeah, so Peter goes in.

Kyle (as Peter)

Aw man. Phew… real hungry.

Tom (as Brent)

Huh, the dining room.

Kyle (as Peter)

Yeah. I hope it’s, uh… We weren’t saving this for anyone, right?

Tom (as Brent)

Well, not unless Chaos is around.

Kyle (as Peter)

Okay, so Chaos. I just didn’t want to be the first one to eat it. You know, a bit rude. So…

Kyle

Peter is going to carefully take the salt he’s been holding onto…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

…take a plate, set the salt on the plate, because it’s just been in one hand.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

Then he’s going to wipe it off and look around to see—before he touches the chicken he has to wash his hands, of course, so is there a place to wash my hands?

Ari

Um? Yes, there is a kitchen right next to it, like a little tiny room where you can go and access the kitchen and go wash your hands.

Kyle

Yeah, so he’s gonna go wash his hands and he’s just gonna shout to Brent.

Kyle (as Peter)

Feel free to help yourself while I’m in there. Don’t need to wait up on me or anything.

[A door opens and closes.]

Tom

So, there was a figure at the other end of the table, right?

Ari

Yeah.

Tom

What do they look like?

[00:40:00]

Kyle

[Flustered.] Somehow… I and Peter both somehow missed that part of the description.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

“Are we waiting for anybody else?” As somebody’s sitting there, like yeah, I’m fucking here.

Emily

Look, Ari mentioned the word chicken and you were like ooh.

Kyle

I was lost.

Hallie

‘There I am.’

[Unsettling horror music begins.]

Ari

So, it’s hard to tell. It’s also really lean and long.

Tom

So like a weird spindly person?

Ari

Weird spindly person, but you are able to see the face of this one, and the face is basically two hollow black eyes and a serious line of a face, like a serious mouth. Just standing there not moving, like a costume, you know? Like one of those creepy—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Tom

Wait. Is this actually egg demon?

Kyle

This is egg demon!

Tom

Is it really just egg demon?!

Ari

Yeah. Is egg demon the thing that Emily sent earlier on?

Tom

Yeah!

Ari

Yeah.

Tom

Agh! God fucking damn it.

Kyle

[Clapping along.] Egg demon. Egg demon. Egg demon!

Ari

So, it’s sitting there, it’s not moving.

Kyle

It’s done cooking.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Ari

Peter, you’re washing your hands in the kitchen.

Kyle

Yep.

Ari

Actually, I’ll say that this is a bathroom just because I think that’s easier for things. There is also a mirror in this bathroom where you’re washing your hands.

[Ambient horror music begins.]

As you are doing that, you will see it’s not your reflection anymore but it’s another person, and it’s gonna try and grab you as you’re washing your hands. I assume—Are you looking at the mirror at all?

Kyle

Uh… I will look at it once I succeed, because now that we have wiped the slate clean I got a free roll again, baby!

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Well, 12 is, but 6 is still a death number, and 19.

Ari

Oh, well, I thought we wiped everything clean.

Kyle

Yeah, we wiped the board entirely.

Emily

Oh! Okay.

Hallie

Oh, everything. I’m sorry. I thought we were wiping just that number when I suggested it.

Kyle

Because otherwise we stay at very high odds of death most of the game.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay, okay, okay.

Tom

Yeah. Gotta have a cooldown between deaths.

Kyle

Alright, so it is a 4.

Ari

So it doesn’t grab you, and in fact, it’s going to try to say something. It’s going to try to motion to you to be like…

[Tragic piano music begins.]

Ari (as mirror person)

Help…! Help…!

Kyle

I’m gonna look up. What do I see?

Ari

What you see is the figure of a lady, like 20ish-something years or so, and she’s looking straight at you. She has a really semi-old timey dress, and she’s staring at you just motioning for help.

Ari (as lady)

Have you seen my mother?

Kyle

Peter is going to look at this woman, and he’s gonna do the thing where you look in a mirror and you kinda stretch your face to look from different angles.

Kyle (as Peter)

Huh… Different look than I normally have, but looks pretty good.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

And then he leaves.

[Laughter.]

Ari

God damn it.

Tom

Holy shit.

Ari

She’s going to be like:

Ari (as lady)

Have you seen my mother?!

Ari

Just screaming, and you won’t see it and it won’t affect you, but the mirror is going to crack a little at that.

Kyle

[Shivers.] I’m gonna leave. I’m gonna enter the room. I’m gonna pat my hands and say:

Kyle (as Peter)

Huh… I should call my mom.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Silly Halloween music begins.]

Tom

Meanwhile, Brent has just been staring down the egg demon.

Ari

Just like a staring contest?

Tom

Well, initially, trying to see if it makes any wrong moves.

Ari

It’s not moving at all. It’s just sitting there.

Tom (as Brent)

But here is the question. If I strike you down now, will you simply respawn from the floors themselves or will this place be saved from Chaos? I guess there’s only one way to find out.

Tom

I would like to pull a sword off of a display case on the wall.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

[Smiling.] God fucking damn it.

Tom

I wanna fucking go to town on the egg demon.

Ari

Well first, first, I will rule that there is a sword in this dining hall, because this is my rules, but it’s not going to be that easy, my man. Roll so that you don’t accidentally fall on your sword Roman style as you take the sword off the wall.

Tom

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[Rolls.] I got a 9.

Ari

You got a 9. Okay. You are able to successfully take the sword off the wall.

Tom

Phew.

[Music grows more chaotic.]

Ari

But now you want to strike Chaos which is, to me, a different roll.

Tom

Yeah, I’m fine with being a separate roll.

Kyle

It’s a complicated action. It’s multiple steps.

Ari

Yeah.

Tom

It’s a complicated thing to draw a sword off the wall and try to strike down an egg demon. Who can say how this will go?

[Rolls.] Nineteen, baby!

Ari

Oh, god damn it! You succeed at chopping this, mostly because he is not moving. He was just standing there as a costume thing.

Kyle

[Delighted.] It’s just two teens in a trench coat!

Ari

So, you just stab through it.

Tom (as Brent)

[Exerted action shout.]

Ari

It gets a really clean cut as the top part falls down. You’ll notice that it was hollow inside. There is nothing inside of it whatsoever.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Brent)

Our first victory against Chaos, but there will be more to follow.

[00:45:00]

Ari

Alright. I guess that’s probably a good scene to switch to—

Kyle

I think, killing the egg demon, we’ve done enough in our space.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Oh yeah.

Ari

No, I was just like, switch to Sammy Winch and Pesto Scuba.

Tom

Yeah, both of them, definitely. Uh-huh.

Kyle

Absolutely.

Ari

Yeah, both of them, definitely. Well, so you want to go to the second floor, but there are some stairs that you needed to traverse.

Tom

I warned you about stairs, bro!

Hallie

Stairs!

Ari

They look really—I mean, it’s an old house.

Tom

[Strained.] I told you, dog.

Kyle

So does Sammy just trip and die? Fucking, (thud, thud, thud).

Ari

So roll, Sammy Winch, to go up the stairs. Pesto Scuba, you, for some reason, have a really easy time going up the stairs. It’s almost as if you are  not even stepping on them but just floating up. That can’t really be what’s happening.

Emily

[Rolls.]

Hallie

Well, that’s because I normally float. The ground is beneath me. I never touch it.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

There it is, the best joke in all of Quest Friends.

Ari

The ground is beneath me… What did you roll?

Emily

I rolled a 3.

Ari

Oh! You rolled a 3. Alright. You are able to go up these stairs. They are old and kind of rickety, but you’re able to do it, possibly inspired by Pesto Scuba. Or actually, yeah, describe your actions going up these stairs successfully.

Emily

Well, Sammy Winch had an interesting childhood.

[Super-duper sad electric guitar music begins.]

He could have had a childhood like his mom would have wanted for him, you know, lighthearted games, but instead there were things like when he said he was scared of something in his closet, his dad gave him a gun instead and said “there are things to be afraid of in the dark.” He’s been trained as a soldier his whole life…

[Music ends.]

So he’s pretty good at stairs.

[Laughter.]

Ari

So, you go up. Where do you want to go? Do you want to go to the main suite?

Hallie

I’m going to the main suite, baby. Yeah, that’s mine.

Emily

I’m following Pesto Scuba.

[Ambling silly Halloween music begins.]

As they go toward this main suite, Sammy Winch is speaking almost a stream of consciousness to Pesto about how it is okay to move on.

Hallie

[Smiling.] God.

Emily

And not to let himself be consumed by his hurt and anger at his past life and the way that it ended. And that, you know, it might seem like a good idea to stick around, but as time goes on, even if he thinks he’s in control now, he’s going to become a malevolent spirit, and then he’ll be just like the things we’re fighting now. There’s a whole lore dump going on. Sammy’s trying to convince Pesto to move on to the other side.

Ari

Just talk about all of the ghosts that he has fought over the years.

Emily (as Sammy)

The man that I thought of almost like a father as well, he died and he turned into a ghost. He was trying so hard to keep his humanity.

Hallie (as Pesto)

That’s literally impossible.

Emily (as Sammy)

I just don’t want to see that happen to you.

Hallie

Pesto just crosses his arms.

Hallie (as Pesto)

I don't know what everybody’s up to tonight, but everybody seems to have a lot of feelings about a lot of things.

Emily (as Sammy)

[Sobbing.] I do have a lot of feelings!

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Pesto)

Well it’s pathetic. Feelings are pathetic.

Emily

Sammy looks at you with these big brown puppy-dog eyes. He’s hurt.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Good.

Emily

He’s hurt, because he’s a sensitive man, and you should feel bad.

Hallie

I, as Hallie, feel a little bad.

[Laughter.]

Pesto, however, does not.

Hallie (as Pesto)

And you’re being ridiculous. Ghosts aren’t real. Your entire line of profession is a sham. You should focus on something real instead, like cards.

Ari

[Smiling.] Like cards.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Can Pesto then whip out his cool holster deck? I assume he still has that. How would that go for him?

Ari

Yeah, he still has.

Hallie

Just shuffle my cards, like run my thumb over the top like cool card people do in Vegas. I don't know.

Emily (as Sammy)

Actually, like I said, I was gonna go to law school. I was doing really well. I had an interview for a scholarship and everything…

[Super-duper sad electric guitar music begins.]

And then, my girlfriend died, and then my dad died, and we had a really complicated relationship. I don't know if I mentioned this, I find it difficult to open up to people.

Hallie

[Cackles.] Pesto just groans at that. He’s gonna make like a “UUUGH” while you continue opening up to him.

Kyle

The world’s longest hallway.

Ari

God.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Pesto thinks it’s the world’s longest hallway, but it just literally is stretching further and further as this conversation happens.

[00:50:00]

Ari

Yeah. So, after you do that, have that long conversation, you head towards the main suite. Right?

Hallie

Yeah. Pesto’s plan has not changed, but he is gonna be like:

Hallie (as Pesto)

You aren’t following me, are you?

Emily (as Sammy)

Well… yeah, I am. I’m worried about you, man.

Hallie

[Laughs.] How does he feel about that?

[Laughter.]

Ari

God. Of all the things that I thought would happen in this game, this feel talk is not one of them.

Kyle

[Hums romantic music.]

Hallie

Sammy Winchester, trying to exorcise Seto Kaiba, but like hitting a chord.

Ari

Unnecessary feelings.

Emily

I am genuinely trying not to make this a hitting on him thing.

Hallie

I know!

Emily

Sammy Winchester has a lot of feelings.

Tom

He’s a sensitive man. He can’t go into a new town without having at least an implied love interest. You know?

Emily

Yeah. Usually it’s a girl whose shirt is slightly too short.

Tom

She’s probably a single mom as well.

Emily

Yeah! Well, Dean gets a lot of the moms.

[Laughter.]

Ari

He does get a lot of the moms. If Pesto Scuba has a dog, that is the selling thing for Sammy Winch.

Emily

No, but he’s got a dragon.

Ari

Oh yeah! He’s got a dragon!

Hallie

He’s got several.

Ari

He has several dragons.

Hallie

Pesto’s gonna stop dramatically in front of the master suite and turn back to look at Sammy Winch.

Hallie (as Pesto)

That’s absurd. I’m Pesto Scuba. Nothing bad ever happens to me.

Hallie

[Laughing.] And then I’m gonna go in the master suite.

Emily

Sammy doesn’t quite know what to say to that. I’m gonna continue to follow Pesto.

Hallie

That’s totally fine. I mean, not—Pesto’s mad, but like, as Hallie that’s perfect.

Tom

[Delighted sigh.]

Ari

Okay. Well, Pesto Scuba, as you go to the main suite, he just crosses through the door, but Sammy Winch, you will notice that, when you try to open the door, it’s locked.

Emily

[Gasps dramatically.]

Ari

So you’ll have to figure out a way.

Hallie

Thank god!

[Laughter.]

Ari

But anyways, leaving this as a cliffhanger, we’ll switch back to Peter and Brent. So, after you chop down the egg demon, what are you doing after that? Are you moving on? Are you staying there?

Kyle

Well, I just came out from the bathroom, so I’m gonna…

Ari

Oh, you did just come out from the bathroom.

Kyle

I’m gonna fucking come out, not notice the demon because I didn’t notice it earlier, and grab some fucking chicken wings, man.

Ari

Grab some fucking chicken wings. Alright, so, uh…

Tom (as Brent)

Oh, Peter. While you were in there, did you find any kind of safe room? I haven’t encountered one yet on this floor.

Kyle

Just while taking the chicken, absentmindedly:

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh, a safe room? Nah, they usually keep those in the back or something, but like, you know…

Tom (as Brent)

Hmm. Concerning. This could be a long march. Make sure you’ve stocked up on items to heal yourself.

Kyle (as Peter)

Already ahead of you on that, bud. You sure you don’t want anything? I’m not gonna eat all of this. You can take whatever you want.

Tom (as Brent)

Oh no, you go ahead. I can only sustain myself on justice. It’s a rare and unfortunately untreatable condition.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Brent)

I got it from exposure to Chaos.

Kyle

Peter will go for a second helping, though.

Ari

I assume you eat it. Right?

Kyle

Oh yeah, I’ll just eat it. You know, it’s little table stuff, so I’ll eat it as we walk to the next place. I’ll maybe grab a Hershey’s Kiss or something that I’ll eat and unravel and pop in my mouth as I’m grabbing the rest of the chicken.

Ari

Alright. For no particular reason, roll me a die as you eat your chicken wings.

[Haunting guitar music begins.]

Kyle

[Rolls.] Peter takes a bite and goes…

Kyle (as Peter)

Ooh-hoo-hoo, wow, this is really good.

Kyle

…but something looks weird in his eyes and his smile, because I rolled a 3.

[Shouting and laughter.]

Ari

Oh my god! Oh my god.

Tom

Jesus fucking Christ.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Ari

In addition to that, I also want to give a quick shout-out to the partial inspiration for this roleplay that I’m doing which is the podcast Grimm Readings, specifically the episode The Boy Who Went Forth To Learn What Fear Was.

[00:55:00]

I took it as an inspiration and then I destroyed everything other than the house, the spending the whole night in the house, and something else.

Kyle

Is this the podcast equivalent of going through all of her old photos and giving them heart emojis?

Ari

Yes. Yeah, it’s nothing like that story, so if people go and hear it you’ll be like “what, where is this inspiration,” but like, it was there.

Kyle

Anyways. I’ll let you continue. I was just tickled by the Grimm Reading. I didn’t know it was based on that.

Ari

Yeah! I feel like I’ve said it before, and I’ve been like “don’t listen to that story,” even though I changed it. There’s only one thing I kept, and I don’t even know if you’ll get to it because it’s an Easter egg hidden. But anyways.

Also, obviously, when you introduce your characters, I know what your pronouns are, but for the audience, all of you also introduce your character’s pronouns.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Of course.

Hallie

Ba-da-dun! Because you know what’s coming.

Ari

I know what’s coming. For the audience, in case that’s kept, the last time I ran a Dread game everybody—this exact same scenario.

Kyle

Dudes on a ship.

Ari

God.

Kyle

A bunch of dudes on a ship.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Dudes on a ship.

Tom

Dudes in a house!

Ari

Dudes on a ship!

Hallie

In a house!

Several

Dudes in a house!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Why does this happen to me every time?

Kyle

Dudes! Dudes! Dudes! Dudes!

Ari

I will say, in case you want to keep it, apparently everybody just picked the same amount of letters for their first name. Why are you all—?

Hallie

Yeah! And their last names. We all have five-letter first names and five-letter last names.

Ari

Why are you all like this?!

Hallie

I don’t know!

Kyle

Fives on a house! Fives in a house!

Tom

Five dudes in a house~ Except there’s only four of us.

Ari

I’m so angry.

Kyle

Maybe there is a fifth dude in the house. Who fucking knows, Tom?

Hallie

Who fucking knows? It’s Five Guys! What if this was just a Five Guys origin story?

[Laughter.]

Ari

Five Guys, burgers and fries.

Tom

That’s the name of the fifth guy, Burgers and Fries.

Ari

Burgers and Fries. I’m so angry.

Hallie

He’ll just scoff and say:

Hallie (as Pesto)

[Strange voice.] Your weapons won’t do you good—

Hallie

I don't know what that was.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Are you Fistivos? Shit! Fistivos has taken over Pesto. Run!

Hallie

Plot twist! Oh man, can I get—Okay, hang on, give me a second here.

Kyle

That’s a post-credits sequence if I’ve ever seen one.

Hallie

Give me a second here…

Ari

I’m so upset with how well you are doing this.

Kyle

I told Emily on the ride back from our dice, I hope Ari’s ready to get out-meme’d.

Ari

I’m so angry. I’m so angry with this.

Hallie

This is a top-tier performance.

Tom

Yeah, I’m here with my baby memes while you Sam Winchester it up.

Kyle

Meanwhile, me, “we should never make references that are only meaningful to us.” Also me, makes a character who entirely references to someone only we know.

Tom

Insufficient levels of “show me your booty” in your dialogue, clearly.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I’m so sorry.

Tom

That is the one and only thing Peter Huynh has done in every haunted house.

Ari

Okay. Another thing I forgot to tell you is that in your contract, or your maps, you had a picture of each of you on top of the map. It had a little square around it. But Pesto, as soon as the candle falls and he avoids escaping it, it switches to a round one, because I learned that in old pictures, if it’s square it means that it was done when it was alive but if it’s circle it means that it was not.

Kyle

Meanwhile, Peter is just like…

Kyle (as Peter)

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit!

Kyle

…and everyone can look over and see that he’s actually smiling and pointing to the thing of salt.

Ari

Oh my god. Oh no.

Kyle (as Peter)

It’s Overwatch! I get it now!

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Peter)

I don’t play Activision Blizzard games either. It took me a second.

Tom

[Laughs.] It’s a complicated thing to draw a sword off the wall and try to strike down an egg demon. Who can say how this will go?

Kyle

I mean, he just fucking cooks eggs. He’s not that scary.

Tom

He’s pretty scary.

Kyle

It’s one of the Five Guys.

Ari

It’s one of the—That’s the fifth guy.

Hallie

He’s the big guy. He’s the good guy.

Tom

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys!

Hallie

[Joining.] —happens to the Kennedys!

[Laughing.] That’s what I was thinking!

Hallie (as Pesto)

[Severe.] Nothing bad ever happens to Scuba Corp.

Ari

Okay, I’m going to first—if that’s fine with you, Emily, first do follow them and then follow you and Pesto later.

Emily

Of course.

Kyle

I noticed you just said “if that’s okay with you, Emily.” That’s a bit concerning.

Ari

Oh no! Sammy Winch, I guess!

Kyle

No-no, I mean like… you only mentioned Sammy. That’s what concerns me. Because wasn’t Pesto and Sammy going up?

Ari

Pesto and Sammy are going up, but like…

Tom

Hmm.

Hallie

Yeah, but like, Pesto’s just going to bed.

[Laughing.] So don’t worry about what Pesto’s doing.

Kyle

His eternal bed!

Hallie

It’s nighttime.

Tom

Don’t worry about it.

Ari

Don’t worry about it.

Hallie

Don’t worry about it!

[01:00:00]

Ari

No, this is not that.

Hallie

[Mob voice.] Pesto Scuba is going to bed.

[Laughter.]