Dread w/Ari, Part2

Ari (as Fistivos)

The episode you are about to listen to includes multiple instances of food-based body horror. Additional content notes as well as a list of every notable character in this miniseries can be found in the description. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Previously on Quest Friends…

[Intro song plays, ‘Welcome to the Family’ by Miracle of Sound.]

Ari

You all have heard of the old house that is sitting in the middle of the street in your town. Whoever spends a full night in it will be able to obtain whatever item they most desire no matter how fantastical or impossible it may sound.

Ari (as Fistivos)

My name is Fistivos Vespacci. I am your, for lack of a better word, host in this house, the Monorva Household.

Tom (as Brent)

Now that you’re all here, you need to be able to protect yourselves.

Tom

He’s gonna reach into his pocket and just take out a handful of bullets. There’s no gun, just a handful of bullets, and pass them out to everyone else.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Brent)

Take this weapon. It’s very powerful, especially against living things.

Ari

Sammy was able to avoid the falling candelabra, but Pesto was not fast enough.

Kyle

So how does he die? I wanna know, viscerally. Is he just stabbed to death?

Ari

Well yeah, so basically—

Hallie

[Laughing.] “Well yeah!”

Emily

Sammy’s mission is no longer to protect Pesto from the ghosts. His mission is to help Pesto understand that he doesn’t need to be a ghost, that he can move on.

Hallie

Great.

Emily

That heaven is waiting for him.

Hallie

Oh god. I don't know if it’s heaven waiting for Pesto Scuba.

Ari

You will see that there is a table with a lot of different food laid out on it. Most of it is delicacies such as chicken nuggets and chicken wings.

Kyle

Peter takes a bite and goes…

Kyle (as Peter)

Ooh-hoo-hoo, wow, this is really good.

Kyle

…but something looks weird in his eyes and his smile, because I rolled a 3.

[Intro music swells and carries into the episode.]

Ari

Oh my god! Oh my god.

[Shouting and laughter.]

Tom

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ari

God, I will say, this is the room that I had the least death stuff planned for.

Tom

I’m so fucking sorry.

[Ambient horror music begins.]

Ari

So, you say “oh, this is really good,” and you actually feel like it’s actually really good. The more you eat it the hungrier you are for it. Other than that, for now, nothing seems to be wrong. There’s a lot of different variety of different foods, and whatever you eat you will, a la Emperor’s New Groove, slowly become whatever thing you are eating.

Kyle

Yeah, I’ll eat more.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

You can describe, otherwise I will just have new things be part of my body.

Ari

Okay, do that! For now, you’re just like “oh, this is really good,” and you are just super obsessed with these chicken wings now.

Kyle

Yeah, I’ll say…

Kyle (as Peter)

Ooh, this is really good.

Kyle

…and I’ll take another bite.

Kyle (as Peter)

[Pained.] Ah!

… Huh?

Kyle

And I’ll bite out of the other side of my mouth. As my mouth opens up, we can see the incisor on the one side of my mouth is just a tiny little chicken bone.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

I don’t like that.

[Groaning.]

Tom

What the fuck, Kyle?! That is so much worse than normal Bugsnax.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

I don’t like that.

Tom

I’m so close to X-carding that into something that’s not awful.

Kyle

[Grinning.] Talk about Bugsnax?

Ari

No~

Tom

Oh my fucking god, Bugsnax!

Kyle

[Hums the Bugsnax theme.]

Tom

Talk about Bugsnax!

Hallie

Talkin’ about Bugsnax.

Ari

I mean, if you want to X-card that—

Tom

What the fuck, Kyle?!

Ari

[Laughs.] If you want to X-card that, we can.

Tom

I’m not gonna X-card it, because the damage is done.

Ari

The damage is done.

Tom

I’m not upset that Kyle did that conceptually, I’m just upset I had to hear it.

[Laughter.]

But that’s already happened. I can’t undo that by X-carding it.

Ari

Okay. Excellent. So yeah, that is what will happen. Also, you will notice as you go to the other room, there’s these feeble egg—what do you call it, like horror or figure that…

Kyle

The egg demon?

Ari

Egg demon. You just see it feebly trying to go and reach you. Because he’s chopped in half, it’s just this little feeble thing trying to move and not being able to.

[00:05:00]

Kyle

Aww.

Ari

Because my idea was to have a potential Pan’s Labyrinth situation where if you grabbed the food the thing would chase you, but you chopped it in half and I don’t want to take that from you, so it’s just gonna try and do it but nothing is really gonna happen because it’s chopped in half now.

Tom

Brent is gonna fucking stomp on the demon trying to crawl.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I’m gonna look up junk food. Or no, I’m gonna look up bowling food. That’s a good—

Ari

Bowling food.

Kyle

No, I’ll look up a pizzeria. I’ll look up a pizzeria menu. That’s a lot of cheap food.

Hallie

It’s the same as a bowling alley, I assure you.

Ari

Perfect. So, I assume that you will head further up, so you would head to where the ballroom is?

Tom

Yes, I was foolish in letting us be split so easily. Yeah-yeah, ballroom, ballroom!

Kyle

I’m gonna follow you, eating food.

Ari

Excellent. Okay, I’m going to move the scene now to Sammy Winch. What are you gonna do to try to open this door, Sammy Winch? It’s locked, and Pesto Scuba, the ghost you’re now trying to help, is on the other side of this door.

Hallie

Will not unlock it, just in case you were thinking of asking.

Emily

Well see, the great thing about Pesto being a little bit, you know, resistant to my well-intentioned aid is that he didn’t take the candelabra.

[Laughter. Silly Halloween music begins.]

I still have it! So, I would like to try to beat down the door with the candelabra.

Ari

Okay. Roll me—and this will be the new freebie roll, so this is gonna be fine, but roll me to do that.

Emily

Okay.

[Rolls.] Three.

Ari

Three! Well, I’m glad that it’s reset. Kyle sacrificed himself for you, because that was a death number.

Alright. You go for it, like rawr, how your brother taught you to break doors, probably.

Emily

Oh yeah, 100%. This is all my brother.

Ari

You open the door.

Hallie

Wah!

Ari

At first you don’t see Pesto anywhere. You just see this bed, this shelf that has a bunch of books, a desk that has something like a letter or something that was written but it seems to not be… it wasn’t finished.

[Music changes to SFX of the house creaking.]

You don’t see anything yet.

Emily

Okay. Yeah. Then, I try to hone in my situational awareness taught to me by my father who I had a very complicated relationship with and who is now dead. I try to be very perceptive in looking for traps.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

You don’t see any traps. You do see Pesto Scuba, which I want to ask—When you first wanted to go there, did you have a specific goal in mind, Hallie, or was it just to explore? What would Pesto Scuba do?

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oh, he was gonna go to bed.

Ari

Oh!

Hallie

That’s literally why he wanted to find the master bedroom. He was gonna be like “fuck everybody else, if there’s a bed here, I’m taking it.”

Ari

Oh my god. Perfect. Okay, so you will see that, in fact, Pesto Scuba is floating—like, if this was a movie like The Exorcist or something, it would look kind of creepy because you would just see this floating ghost on top of the bed just standing there laying on the bed, which is what you see, Sammy Winch, as you enter and hone your looking sense and actually try to hone in where the ghost may be.

[Music ends.]

Actually, I will say that’s where the EMF is strongest, and then it’s like “oh right, he is here!”

[Laughter.]

Emily

Guys, I found the ghost.

Hallie

Ruining all your investigative plans.

Emily

I mean, if I think he’s asleep… he’s already dead. What are they gonna do to him? At least while he’s sleeping he’s not becoming more of a malevolent spirit.

Ari

I don't know if ghosts sleep. I’m assuming they don’t. So it’s probably, like…

Hallie

There’s no way that Pesto would have fallen asleep in that short a time period especially with a certain someone banging down the door with a candelabra.

Emily

[Laughs.] I could see him pretending.

Hallie

Actually, you know what? He’s just gonna roll over and say:

Hallie (as Pesto)

Go away.

Ari

Go away.

Hallie

Go away!

Emily (as Sammy)

I’ve… I’ve been in your place, man, where it just feels like you gotta close off your heart from everyone. You know, when I was a baby…

[Super-duper sad electric guitar music begins.]

My mom died, and then my girlfriend died, and then my dad died and we had a really complicated relationship.

Ari

God.

Emily (as Sammy)

And so, I know what it’s like to be so shut off from the love of others, but I’ve learned that you have to cherish the ones you have beside you, and… I’m beside you now, man.

[00:10:00]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Sammy)

It’s okay to move on!

Ari

Do you answer, Pesto? If not, I have a…

[Music ends.]

Hallie

He’s just rubbing his eyes like I am doing now.

[Laughter.]

Ari

When you go and talk with Pesto, do you approach where he is in the bed?

Emily

Sammy is keeping a respectfully television heterosexual man distance away from another man in a bed.

[Laughter. Mischievous classical music begins.]

Ari

Okay. As you’re talking to him, you would notice that the sheets that are on the bed are kind of slinking down the bed a little bit and they are like, kind of like if they were snakes, approaching your feet. [Cute growl.]

Emily

No thank you. No thank you. Oh, but if they make that noise, they’re kinda cute!

[Music ends. Others copy the growl.]

Ari

It’s not actually—They don’t actually make that noise. I don't know how to make scary noises.

Kyle

No, I am gonna take that sound and I’m gonna layer it on top of itself so it’s just a bunch of Aris going “eh!”

[Laughter.]

Ari

As it’s going towards your feet, what does Sammy Winch do? Do you try to avoid them? Do you try to do anything?

Kyle

Adopt. Adopt. Adopt! Adopt!

Ari

[Exasperated and delighted.] Adopt.

Emily

Can I slash at them with my candelabra?

Ari

You can certainly try.

Emily

Or like, I want to wave it in front of them to wave them away with the iron, which always works on all ghosts, definitely, because the rules are very clear and always followed in 15 whole seasons of a television show.

Ari

Except they are not, and these sheet beds are not technically, like… The sheets themselves are not a ghost. But you can definitely try to wave the candelabra to the sheets if you want.

Emily

I mean, Sammy Winch does what Sammy Winch knows. Sammy Winch is gonna wave that candelabra.

Ari

Okay. Roll me some sweet dice.

Emily

[Groans.] Okay…

[Rolls.] Fourteen.

Ari

Okay. Excellent.

[Chaotic Halloween music begins.]

You slash at the sheets that are like “eh” and you do get some off, but the sheets kinda got angry, if that’s a thing that could happen with sheets.

Emily

[Squeaks in delight.]

Ari

So, you see the bed itself as if it were a horse go up and try to attack you going like (whinny) and try to get at you, which is, I want to say, the reference for The Boy Who Went Forth To Learn What Fear Was, which I didn’t think you would get, but the bed becomes a horse-like thing that attacks the boy!

[Laughter.]

Tom

Jesus Christ.

Ari

And I didn’t expect you would reach this room! And you did.

Hallie

We did it! Yay!

Kyle

We got the horse bed.

Tom

A singular reference.

Ari

You did it! You reached the room that I didn’t think you would go to, and now you have to fight a horse bed.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

We got the Easter egg.

Ari

I am a bit sad that Pesto Kaiba is a ghost because the original thing is that the kid lays in the bed and then the bed becomes a horse bed and rides with the kid off to the distance as the kid just tries to rein it in.

Hallie

Wee!

Kyle

I mean, Pesto is still in the bed.

Hallie

Ride my horse the old town road! Let me do it.

Ari

It is true. Okay. Yeah, so the bed comes in a horse and tries to attack Sammy Winch which you have to avoid so that it doesn’t actually fall on top of you attacking you.

Emily

Well, here’s the thing.

[Upbeat cowboy music begins.]

My brother, he’s got a little cowboy in him. You know?

Hallie

Great.

Tom

God.

Emily

He’s like that rugged man, and he wears boots. He rides on a steel horse.

Ari

He sure does.

Emily

But he’s wanted dead or alive.

Ari

Oh!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

Anyways! So, roll to avoid this bed.

Emily

No, I wanna jump on it.

Ari

Oh, you wanna jump on it? Okay, roll to jump on it.

Hallie

Just the bed? I’m on there. No!

Emily

[Rolls.] I rolled a 4.

Ari

Alright, so you manage to jump on top of the bed and, very much like the kid in The Kid Who Went Forth To Learn What Fear Was, you manage to grab onto the sheet rails of the horse bed with Pesto Kaiba there. Or Pesto—Fuck. Pesto Scuba there.

[Laughter.]

I want to ask, Pesto Scuba, do you have any reactions to Sammy Winch suddenly just jumping on your bed as you’re trying to sleep in it?

Hallie

Oh man. Give me a second. Um…

[00:15:00]

There’s gonna be like when the bed first starts moving, it doesn’t ruffle Pesto’s feathers. He walked through being stabbed by a candelabra and was unscathed, so everything’s fine. This house is just weird. But then, Sammy Winch jumps onto the bed and he’s probably just like:

Hallie (as Pesto)

What do you think you’re doing?!

Hallie

[Laughing.] And then there’s this whole horse underneath him made of bedsheets.

[Horse whinnies.]

And, and, um…

[Music ends.]

Ari

I think this is going to be the love confession of Pesto Scuba.

Hallie

No, it’s not though! I just have no fucking idea how he would respond in real words because—

Emily

Sammy’s hair is flowing in the wind, by the way.

Ari

Oh, of course it is.

Hallie

I’m sure it is.

Emily

I just wanna clarify that. Yeah.

Ari

It always is blowing in the wind.

Emily

Yeah, it’s very nice hair.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Every way I try to phrase it in my mind, it sounds really, really bad.

[Laughing.] I’m sorry this is taking so long.

Ari

Oh no, you’re fine!

Emily

It’s okay!

Ari

I love that this romantic scene is happening as the bed is just like (brrr)!

Hallie

[Stammers.] Like—Let’s…

Emily

[Play-sobbing.] I’m not trying to be romantic! Sammy Winch just has a lot of feelings! His relationship with his father was complicated and now he’s dead.

Hallie

Very complicated.

Ari

It is true.

Hallie

Alright. Upon Sammy Winch leaping onto this bed and suddenly there being a horse as a sheet underneath them, Pesto’s gonna be like:

Hallie (as Pesto)

That’s not how you tame a horse, you dolt! You have to do it like you do a dragon.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Pesto’s gonna help.

Ari

Fucking worth it.

Hallie

And I don’t have to roll for that or anything.

Ari

No.

Tom

I can’t—

Hallie

It took me several seconds to think of how to make that without it being like a “tame your dragon” joke.

Ari

Oh, I see. It was very…

Hallie

That took me a while.

Ari

Sammy Winch, do you respond?

Emily

Sammy Winch is going to respect this person’s knowledge. He’s not completely sure that it’s going to work because Pesto is a ghost…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

…so he’s gonna sort of back off but not back off very much because he is figuring he’s gonna have to grab on again when Pesto’s little ghost hands go right through.

Hallie

This is like the most agreeable Pesto has been towards you this entire adventure, this “alright, fine.”

Ari

So I assume, but maybe I misunderstood, that you are grabbing the sheet already. But did you not? Did you just jump into it and haven’t actually try to tame the bed?

Hallie

Oh yeah. Mine didn’t mean to imply that it was getting harder or anything. We can just say that Pesto and Sammy do this thing together, because that’s how I wanted to respond. Like, Pesto’s helping him out.

Ari

Yeah, that is what I wanted to do.

Emily

Yeah.

Ari

I feel like this is a good scene for you to nail this bed, probably also—

Hallie

[Amused.] For you to “nail” this bed. Great.

[Laughter.]

Ari

No…  Not like that. Oh man!

Hallie

Really happy with the direction this is going. This is great. This is…

Kyle

[Hums romantic music.]

Ari

I don’t understand-

Hallie

How did we get here?!

Ari

How did we get here?

Hallie

This is so weird.

Ari

How did we get here? I don't know.

Hallie

This specific spot at this specific time.

Emily

We are just two men riding the sheets together.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Boys being boys!

Emily

In the master suite.

Tom

Guys being dudes.

Hallie

Just boys being boys!

Ari

Boys being dudes. Oh my god.

Tom

Boys will be boys.

Ari

Okay. Yeah. You two wrangle the bed. There’s no way that I will be able to have this come up in a non-69 way, but basically I imagine when Pesto Scuba is like “ah, you do it like you do a dragon,” and tries to grab it, but he can’t because he phases through that.

Hallie

Oh, but he thinks that he is, so it’s fine.

Ari

He thinks that he is because the one that is doing it is Sammy Winch. So, you both grab the reins of this bed, and now you have a bed horse that you can take to other places of this house as you so wish.

Hallie

Oh my god! We can ride the bed horse?!

Ari

You can ride the bed horse to other places in the house.

Hallie

Down the old town staircase? That’s great.

Emily

I don't know if we should try to ride it down the stairs yet. I think we should get the hang of it first.

Hallie

I’m already dead.

Kyle

For being dead, Pesto’s having the time of his life.

Ari

He truly is.

Emily

This is probably happier than he was ever in life.

Hallie

Not that he’d ever admit it.

Emily

No.

Hallie

Don’t worry about it.

Ari

God, I don't know how we got to this.

Emily

But you know, it’s really okay to talk about your feelings, if you wanna talk about your feelings, because then it’s kind of like a whole sharing session and then I can bring up my feelings again, because I have a lot of feelings.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Ari

God damn it. So now that you have a bed horse and are talking about your feelings together in this bed, where do you want to take the bed magic to? What do you want to do next?

Hallie

I don't know, because Pesto’s whole plan was to just sleep in the bed—

Ari

[Laughing.] Uh-huh.

[00:20:00]

Hallie

—but that doesn’t seem like it’s a possibility anymore.

Emily

The bed is a horse. You can’t sleep in it.

Hallie

The bed is a horse!

Ari

The bed is a horse.

Hallie

Let me look at the map again.

Emily

Maybe we could go out into the garden.

Ari

You wanna go into the garden?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Alright.

Tom

Your own secret garden.

Emily

Well, because I think it’s gonna be really difficult to get it through bedroom doors.

Hallie

Yeah, no, that’s reasonable.

Emily

But there’s a big glass door.

Kyle

They’re on a fucking horse. There is not gonna be a glass door in five seconds.

Hallie

Crash!

Ari

In five seconds. We can revisit how well you fare as you crash to that after we deal with the adventures of Brent Chazz and Peter Huynh. You’re heading towards the ballroom. Do you have any other scenes or conversations before you enter this ballroom?

Tom

I think right now Brent hasn’t fully noticed the Bugsnax–ification.

Ari

Okay.

Tom

So he’s just focused on:

Tom (as Brent)

Oh, what’s going to happen to us next?

Kyle

Not a whole lot has happened. Peter has moved on from the chicken wings. He’s now onto mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce.

Emily

I kind of want mozzarella sticks now.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

You notice instead of getting less hungry you get more hungry the more you’re eating.

Kyle

Yeah, so I’m just… I’m going to town. I pack some Skittles in there, you know, a little bit too. A piece of mushroom pizza. So, my ears kind of are frilling almost like the ends of mushrooms at this point.

Hallie

God.

Kyle

And my hair is along the veins of chocolate, so it’s just this hard dark brown like dark chocolate.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

But right now I’m eating mozzarella sticks and I’m getting a little bit of the marinara on my face. I’m getting a little sloppy.

Tom

[Shivers.]

Kyle

Because I’m just chowing down so fast.

Ari

Excellent.

Tom (as Brent)

We’ve got to be careful, Peter. Chaos could be anywhere waiting for us.

Kyle (as Peter)

[Mouth full.] Yeah, what? What…? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.

Tom (as Brent)

Don’t worry about it. I’ll do what I can to protect us.

Kyle (as Peter)

Great. Yeah.

[Swallows.] That’s great. Thanks man. I appreciate it.

[Unsettling horror music begins.]

Kyle

And as Brent turns around away from me, Peter notices there’s a bit of mozzarella on his lip.

Kyle (as Peter)

Huh…

Kyle

And he takes out his tongue to lick it off, but out of his mouth, instead of a tongue, comes a long cheesy part of a mozzarella stick.

[Groaning.]

Tom

Fuck. Why is it so much worse?!

[Music ends.]

Ari

How is the true horror the thing that you are coming up with, Kyle Decker? I gave you too much power.

Tom

Fuck. We can’t even X-card it, because like, now it exists. I can’t purge that from my brain.

Kyle

I’m content warning this episode so fucking hard.

Tom

Fuck!

Ari

I gave you… I gave you too much power.

Tom

Ugh…

Kyle

Food-based body horror.

Tom

Why do the others get to flirt while I’m down here with Bugsnax? Fuck!

[Laughter. Faint elegant halloween waltz music begins.]

Ari

Okay. You open the room of the ballroom. It’s big. It seems like it hasn’t been used in some time. You kind of faintly hear some music even though there is nobody around that you can see.

Tom (as Brent)

If I know my rooms, this is a puzzle. We need to find some kind of music box or key that will allow us to open some other place elsewhere in the mansion.

Ari

Are you going to just go and look for anything and explore?

Tom

Yeah. Brent is just trying to see if he can find the source of the music, assuming that will be a critical clue, but is otherwise just looking around the room trying to find conspicuous medallions, keys, things that seem like the sort of thing a character would pick up in point-and-click shenanigans.

Ari

As you’re looking for the source of this music, you will see a lady which is not—

Tom

Not the lady that Peter saw.

Ari

It’s not that same mirror lady, no, it’s another one. Also around the same age, but this one actually has way shorter hair and more curly. She will look at you and be like:

Ari (as lady)

Oh, I didn’t receive your invitation for the ballroom party. Are you one of our new guests?

Tom (as Brent)

Yes.

Tom

And I’ll just show the contract page map thing we were given.

Ari (as lady)

Oh! Excellent. You can be welcome here, then.

[Music intensifies]

Ari

Suddenly you will see, all around you where there was nothing, a lot of different ghosts dancing around. The music intensifies and it’s this big waltz song that has really nice rhythm to it and you kinda want to dance to it a little bit.

Ari (as lady)

I don't know where my mother is. She is usually the one that starts the true hosting for the ballroom. But, you can stay here and enjoy while I go look for her.

[00:25:00]

Ari

She will try to walk through the crowd of the people that are dancing.

Tom

Brent, of course, takes no notice. He just looks off to the side, edgy, tough.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Brent)

Thanks, but no thanks. I danced blues back in college. This beat isn’t quite right for me.

Ari (as Fistivos)

I have heard that you’re not enjoying the party?

[Casual classical music begins.]

Ari

Suddenly, as you’re watching everybody dancing around, you will see in the center of the crowd that there is a big tall figure that you would recognize as Fistivos, and it will approach you.

Ari (as Fistivos)

You do not like this music?

Tom (as Brent)

Fistivos, you dare come here to mock me? What is this, ballroom dancing? In a ballroom of all things?

Ari (as Fistivos)

It is not mocking. This is just what I offer as a host, and I believe that guests should be more grateful to their hosts when they are invited to such a party.

Tom (as Brent)

And did you write that into your contract?

Ari (as Fistivos)

If you look at the small letters in Page 5, Subsection B, Subsubsection II, Roman numerals, you will see that enjoyment of the party is one of the required responses.

Tom (as Brent)

Damn that law student. He didn’t warn us of this.

[Unsettling horror music changes.]

Kyle (as Peter)

[Stammering.] My name is… My name is… My name is…

Oh, hi!

Kyle

Peter walks up to Fistivos.

Kyle (as Peter)

Hi, my name is Pete… er, my name is Peter.

Kyle

And he takes out to handshake what looks to be a webbed hand, an oily webbed hand, but if you looked at it you’d realize it wasn’t a webbed hand, it’s actually iceberg lettuce covered in French dressing.

[Disgusted sounds.]

Hallie

What?!

Ari

UGH!

Kyle

He shakes it off to return it to normal, and he shakes it again and he can’t do it, so then he just puts his hand down and takes out his left hand and uses it to shake Fistivos’s hand.

[Music ends.]

Ari

The true horror was Kyle Decker being a PC in my game.

Hallie

God!

Ari

This is the true fucking horror.

Tom

Maybe the real horror was letting Kyle play all along.

Hallie

[Laughing, pained.] No!

Ari

Fistivos will look at Peter doing that and he’ll just shrug.

Ari (as Fistivos)

See, Mr. Chazz, Mr. Peter is more keen to the enjoyment of our place than you are. I see that you are not really following the guest rule of enjoying this place. But uh, if you so wish, I suppose we could do a little bit of a shortcut and give you what you’re looking for before this night is over, since you’re already breaking the contract. What do you say?

Tom (as Brent)

I told you once before, I don’t make deals with Chaos. I’m not going to fall for your tricks. Look what you did to Peter.

Kyle

Peter is just taking nacho chips in his lettuce hand and he’s just shoveling them into his face. You can see he wipes it off and in his teeth there’s a little bit of green iceberg lettuce that he seemed to have eaten as well and he just (slurp) sucks it back in.

Ari

God damn it, Kyle.

Tom

That’s fucked up, bro.

Ari

Fistivos will look at you and be like:

Ari (as Fistivos)

First of all, I didn’t do that to him, he just did that to himself by enjoying the accommodations that I’m providing. Second of all, I am not Chaos.

Tom (as Brent)

That’s exactly what Chaos would say.

Ari

[Laughs.] As you say that, Fistivos is going to clap and then the ballroom is going to switch the environment of it.

[A heavy clap begins unsettling horror music.]

You’re going to see that, now, all the ghosts that were dancing suddenly kind of get pulled into the walls of the place.

Tom

[Startled gasping.]

Ari

They look suddenly way smaller. They looked in fact not like people ghosts but they look like little dolls, like little toys that are on the shelves of this new ballroom that now has these shelves.

Tom

[Uncomfortable.] Hmm!

Ari

In the center of it now, next to Fistivos, you will see a little doll that has blonde hair, a little bit of a stubble…

Tom

[Increasingly uncomfortable.] Hmm~!

Ari

…and that doll holding, in its hands, it has what you would recognize as the Chaos Spear.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

[00:30:00]

Ari

Hello and welcome to Quest Friends: Dread, Part 2. I am Ariadne, your GM, and still your haunted house host. This week’s announcements are going to be super quick so that you can go back to whatever horror this campaign ended up becoming.

The first thing is that the theme song at the beginning of this episode is Welcome to the Family by Miracle of Sound.

The second thing is that Hallie was a guest GM for The Crit Show running a system called Afterlife. All of her episodes are now available on The Crit Show’s YouTube page. The link is in the description in this episode, and I highly recommend checking it out because it’s a really, really fun time.

That’s all for now. The next episode is going to be Uneasy Lies the Head, which is Tom’s game, which is gonna begin on Monday, November 22. He will see you then.

[Elegant Halloween waltz music carries out of the announcements.]

Ari

With that, we’re shifting to Sammy Winch and Pesto Scuba as their riding their horse bed into the window of the garden.

Tom

[Groaning.] No…

[Whimsical Halloween music begins.]

Hallie

Crash!

Ari

As you’re going through the glass, you will see the other girl, the one that has a little bit of longer brown hair just being like…

Ari (as girl)

Have you seen my mother?

Ari

…as you go and smash through the glass. Unless you choose to stop as you see that girl saying that.

Hallie

No.

[Laughter.]

Ari

No? You’re just going for it.

Emily

We’ve got enough speed that I feel like we should follow through, but Sammy does plan to try to go back inside to talk to this ghost.

Kyle

Isn’t she in the glass?!

Ari

She is in the glass.

Emily

Oh, is she “in” the glass?

Ari

Yeah.

Emily

Oh!

Hallie

Oh, so do we stop before hitting her is the question.

Emily

Try to… Try—

Tom

It’s too late.

Emily

I mean, it’s probably too late. We probably just break it.

[Music ends.]

Ari

You just break it as she’s in the middle of being like:

Ari (as girl)

Excuse me. Have you seen my—

[Loud crash.]

Ari

And you just break the glass.

Hallie

Here we go!

Ari

And just roll so that the glass doesn’t, I guess… Like, you’re smashing through glass. I assume that could be potentially…

Emily

How many numbers do we have?

Ari

We have three numbers, so 3, 14 and 4.

Tom

It’s just a 15% chance of death. You know, it’s pretty good odds.

Emily

Let’s… Let’s do it. Let’s do it…

[Rolls.] Thirteen.

Ari

Alright. Yeah, you do it. You smash through it. The glass breaks. None of it falls in any place that will be potentially lethal. And off you go to this big garden.

[Ethereal, ambient nighttime music begins.]

Even though it’s on the second floor, when you look at it, it looks like a big garden. It has a fountain in the middle of it, and then there seems to be someone far away, like maybe painting or something in the night sky, but it’s kind of far away. It’s kind of unclear if that’s actually a thing or if it’s you imagining things.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Pesto got caught up in the whole bed horse thing. When we land and everybody catches their breath for a hot second, Pesto’s gonna throw his hands off of the bed horse.

Hallie (as Pesto)

Partnership is overrated!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

And then stalk off into the corner. I want to talk to the painter.

Ari

You make your way over to the painter. Okay.

Hallie

Yeah. Literally anybody to talk to right now who isn’t Sammy is great in Pesto’s book.

Ari

Okay. So, you approach to watch the painter and it’s yet another different third lady that is also around.

[Peaceful nighttime music begins.]

She looks like maybe the oldest one if you were to compare, but it’s the first time you’ve seen her.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

She has the shortest hair of them all. She kind of has a little, like, not bandana but a little tiara kind of thing surrounding her hair, and she’s just painting. She turns to look at you and says:

Ari (as painter)

Oh, it is a beautiful night, isn’t it? I just came out. I always like to come out and paint whenever I can. It helps me focus more. You know, I’m trying to finish this book I’m writing, and I always feel more inspired when I come and look at the sky and try to… you know, be a little bit more artistic with it.

Hallie (as Pesto)

You know what you should paint?

[Music ends abruptly.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] Then he takes out a card. It’s not the White-Eyes Blue Dragon card, because he wants that from this whole experience. It’s a different card. It’s like a… Oh, what does he like? It’s a different dragon, different color. This is a—

Tom

Black-Eyes Red Dragon.

Hallie

No, he would never have that painted even though it’s the best dragon.

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

This is like Tibaeus. I don't know. Timaeus?

[00:35:00]

Ari

Timaeus!

Hallie

Timaeus. This is Timaeus that he has, even though—

Tom

Not Tibaeus?

Hallie

Even though that’s Yugi’s card.

Ari

[Delighted.] Timaeus.

Hallie

This is Timaeus that he’s handing. It’s like a purple and a green dragon.

Ari (as painter)

Oh… Um, I usually paint environments, but I could definitely try to add something more fantastical to my painting. I am Polka, by the way.

Ari

She will try to shake your hand.

Hallie

Yeah, Pesto will shake it back.

Ari

Oh, okay.

Hallie

He’s got no reason. He wants her to pain this dragon that he just gave to her.

Ari

Alright. She will just smile and take the card and begin painting. What is Sammy Winch doing while this is happening? Is Sammy Winch following Pesto Scuba or is Sammy Winch going somewhere else?

Emily

So, Sammy had the same idea, he was gonna go talk to the painter, but upon the little “partnership is overrated,” Sammy’s big puppy eyes get bigger and puppier and sadder. He looks at the floor and he turns away from where he was going.

Ari & Hallie

Oh no~

Emily

And goes to inspect the broken glass where the other girl was.

Ari

Oh, okay. So it is pretty broken, because you just had a bed—

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

Hang on. Are you on the bed still or did you go out of the bed? Like, Pesto could float away easily.

Hallie

Pesto got off the horse.

Emily

Yeah. Sammy, again, was going in the same direction as Pesto, so he had gotten off the bed as well, and then he heard that and turned around. He’s chilling kinda by the bed as in like a…

Ari

Like a patting the horse kind of thing?

Emily

Yeah! Like little emotional support animal pats.

[Sad piano horror begins.]

Ari

Okay. If you inspect the glass, it’s pretty broken, but you will be able to kind of see in one of the fragments that there’s a little eye. Not a disembodied eye, but a piece of a face staring at you. It will be kind of distorted, but you will still hear:

Ari (as girl)

Mother?

Emily (as Sammy)

Uh… I haven’t seen your mother. Do you miss your mother too?

Ari

[Laughing.] Oh my god!

Ari (as girl)

Yes, I miss her. She needs to come to us so we can leave.

Emily (as Sammy)

Do you know where she was?

Ari (as girl)

Not sure. I think ballroom, but I don’t know the way.

Hallie

God damn it. Ugh!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Gets us all to the same place, too, though.

Hallie

Ugh~!

Emily

Sammy touches his hand gently to the ground next to the fragment of an eye. His own eyes are brimming with manly tears.

Emily (as Sammy)

I’ll find your mother. I, uh… I know I can’t find mine. Please, rest peacefully now.

[Laughter. Music changes to cool action western music.]

Emily

He’s gonna leap onto the bed and drive it over to Pesto.

[Laughter and shouting.]

Hallie

No~!

Tom

“Get in, loser, we’re going shopping.”

Emily (as Sammy)

Pesto, I’ve got a lead!

Hallie (as Pesto)

A lead on what?

Ari (as Polka)

Oh hello. My name is Polka. Pesto was just showing me this beautiful dragon that I am painting. I think it’s just what I need to finish my book. Do you have also something that I can paint and add to my painting?

Emily (as Sammy)

Well, my father taught me—

Ari

God damn it!

[Music changes to Sammy’s super-duper sad electric guitar theme.]

Emily

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Sammy)

—not to take things with me on the road. All we had were our weapons and each other. We packed it all into the back of our Impala. You know, she never had a real name, but my brother… my brother called her baby.

Ari

No. Oh my god. Why would you bring that up?!

Tom

[Smiling, pained.] Please… no.

Ari

[Smiling, frustrated.] Ugh! That is the fucking worst.

Tom

Please. Why?

Ari (as Polka)

I have a father too. A mother as well. I think mother was going to host a ball later this evening.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Sammy)

Will you take us to her?

Ari (as Polka)

Yeah, I can do that.

Emily (as Sammy)

Please get on my horse bed.

[Restrained laughter.]

Ari

She will not think that is weird at all, and she will ask Pesto:

Ari (as Polka)

Do you want to come with?

Hallie

Oh my god.

Ari (as Polka)

You can show me more of your dragon cards that I can add to my painting after I take this guest to our mother.

Emily

Oh, well now he’s getting on it.

Hallie

That’ll do it. That’ll do it!

[Laughter.]

Pesto has turned his face away and has opened his mouth and is clearly about to say something to the effect of “no” when she offers to draw more of his dragon cards. Then, he will turn back and say:

Hallie (as Pesto)

Fine. I haven’t seen the ballroom yet. I wonder if it’s as good as mine.

Ari

Oh my god.

[00:40:00]

Emily

Sammy will hold his hand out in a very heterosexual manner to help Pesto up.

Hallie

Oh Jesus Christ.

[Laughter.]

“I can show you the world~” He does not take the hand. I just feel like that’s important to say.

Emily

Sammy knew he wouldn’t.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s reasonable.

Ari

Yeah. With that, I think we can switch to the next scene.

[Unsettling horror music begins.]

So you switch, and you are in front of Fistivos, Brent and Peter, just slowly becoming an eldritch horror.

Kyle

Yeah. Peter is actually—you can see with his other hand, which now looks like a pitcher’s mitt but it’s actually in fact a giant chicken nugget.

Ari

[Pained laugh.]

Hallie

Great.

Kyle

He is pawing at the plate and you notice that all of the food is missing on it. There isn’t any more. He keeps pawing at it, trying to find more food.

Ari & Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

As ranch dressing saliva slowly drips from the corners of his mouth.

[Sounds of disgust.]

Ari

Ugh! Why are you the worst?

Hallie

No, no, no!

Ari

Why are you the most cursed of my game?

Tom

Brent is backing away in terror, largely from Peter but also the dolls. That too.

Ari (as Fistivos)

Ah. Isn’t this what you came to the house for? Here is your prize. I don't know why you are suddenly walking away from it.

Ari

As you’re backing up you would notice that the eyes of the dolls are following your movements.

Tom

[Discomforted shouting.]

Hallie

Classic.

Tom (as Brent)

[Stammers.] Uh, I… I only…

[Shivers.] I only know one thing. Uh, Peter, you should probably go look for more in the dining room, again… yeah. Yeah, far away from here.

Kyle (as Peter)

[Gross slurping, salivating and whispering sounds.]

Kyle

He is not paying you any attention as he’s looking around with these pitch-black eyes which someone else would notice are actually identical to chicken eyes.

Ari

God.

Hallie

Great.

Ari

Fistivos will kind of look like “what the fuck, bro” at you.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Even Fistivos. He is like, ugh~

Ari

Not at Peter but at Brent backing up from the Chaos thing, and his doll there, and you just hear a voice being like:

Ari (as voice)

Huh. That has always worked before. What is different?

Tom

Yeah, Brent’s gonna bolt for the door into the main hallway.

Tom (as Brent)

Sammy?! Pesto?!

Ari

With the best timing, or worst timing, who knows—

[Music changes to cool-dude western guitar music.]

Because right as you say that, a horse bed smashes through the door where you’re trying to leave out. Make me a roll to avoid the big—

Tom

Holy shit.

Hallie

From being just clobbered by this bed horse.

Tom

If I fucking die here…

[Rolls.] A 12. That wasn’t a number yet, right?

Ari

No, it wasn’t a number yet.

Tom

Phew.

Ari

Which is good. It’s perfect. It’s perfect. You avoid the bed, you’re fine, and then—

Emily

Born To Be Wild is playing, by the way, as the door breaks down.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Of course it is.

Ari

Then you see Pesto, Sammy, and another lady in this bed as they arrive through the door. Then, this lady will look at Fistivos and will say:

Ari (as Polka)

What are you doing?

Ari

Then you hear Fistivos reply, now with two voices instead of one, being like:

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Fistivos)

[Whiny.] Oh, come on, Polka, we’re just having fun!

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Do you do anything with that?

Tom

I don’t. I don’t do anything exceptional.

Tom (as Brent)

I’m just a guy from the pub. My friends dared me to fight Chaos, so that’s what I’m here to do.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

[Delighted.] Oh my god!

Tom (as Brent)

There was no tragic backstory, ever. I’m just a guy who likes to fight Chaos.

Hallie (as Pesto)

That was obvious!

Emily (as Sammy)

If we’re… If we’re having a heart-to-heart, I do have a tragic backstory.

Ari

Oh, my, god.

Tom (as Brent)

I know, Sammy.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Sammy)

And I wanna share…

Tom (as Brent)

I know, Sammy.

Ari

You will hear Fistivos say:

Ari (as Fistivos)

So, does this mean you don’t want the Chaos Emerald?

Ari

Then you hear another voice coming from Fistivos a little bit lower down.

Ari (as Fistivos)

We worked a lot to get it, you know. This was the whole point.

Tom (as Brent)

It’s a trick, I know it. I’m not gonna be turned into dolls.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Fistivos)

Ugh! I told you somebody would be able to tell that.

Well, nobody has so—

Tom (as Brent)

You literally put a doll of me right there holding the thing, and all of the dolls are staring at me. I want out of this room.

[00:45:00]

Ari

Fistivos will be like…

Ari (as Fistivos)

Ugh, okay~

[Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy begins.]

Ari

…and then you see the face and the coat that was covering Fistivos is going to come out, because in fact Fistivos all along was the two missing kids of the… whatever anagram I did. Hang on. I forget my own—Of the Monorva Household! Lexi and Tasha. You will see a boy and a girl which are just standing, Lexi on top of Tasha’s shoulders.

Ari (as Tasha)

I told you this wouldn’t work, Lexi!

Ari (as Lexi)

Well, it has worked before, Tasha!

Ari

And their just fighting, one on top of the other. You clearly see they’re just two kid ghosts.

Ari (as Polka)

Alright, that’s enough. Time to take these people back to where they came from. Time to fix whatever’s wrong with that guy.

Ari

And points at Peter Huynh. Then the kids are just going to look at each other.

Ari (as Tasha)

Uh… So, I don't think anybody has eaten that food before. We kinda didn’t know what would happen then. Usually we chase them when they grab the food and then they don’t eat it, but he actually ate it. So now we don’t know.

Hallie

[Laughing.] “So now we don’t know!”

Ari

And then, Kyle, take the reins on what is happening.

Kyle

When they go to point back to Peter… he’s not there.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

Ari, who do you want to make roll?

Ari

Uh…

Tom

It should be me. I’ll take this burden.

[Rolls.] That’s an 18.

Ari

Oh! Alright. Alright. That hasn’t been rolled yet.

[Horror music begins with a jump scare SFX.]

Kyle

[Monstrous hiss.] Like a fucking zombie, this weird fast food amalgamation of a man appears in front of you and bears his teeth and rears back to bite into your shoulder.

Hallie

Oh…

Tom

Brent—If I can narrate a bit, Brent is just gonna first grab and hold off this weird food monster and just… just bro punch Peter in the face, just try and keep him off.

Hallie

The way he was destined to.

Ari

I will say, since his face is already made of so much food, will the face just kind of…

[Groaning.]

Kyle

Yeah. You punch it and the face indents as tomato sauce and ranch and a bunch of other gooey stuff spreads to the side.

Tom

I didn’t think this through!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Peter… Peter stumbles back, and he looks at you, and he has this big uncomfortable smile with half of the face indented in.

[Whispering and music escalate before ending suddenly.]

Kyle (as Peter)

[Chipper.] Hi, my name is Pete… and I like meat.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle (as Peter)

Every time I see it…

[Monstrous.] …I start to feast!

[Laughter. Dramatic organ music begins.]

Kyle

And Pete’s food parts start curling backwards as the mozzarella tongue sticks outwards and falls off, as do other pieces of the food.

Tom

[Groans loudly in disgust.]

Kyle

Revealing the inside as Pete turns into what looks to be a giant slice of pizza but oriented like a scorpion. Arms go out, he has little chocolate bars and breadsticks, and at the end in the two front claws are just two giant chicken beaks.

Ari

God. I will say, there’s so much… basically things that have gone wrong and as not expected that I will just say that Polka will just yell:

[Music changes to whimsical Halloween music.]

Ari (as Polka)

Mom~! What is happening?!

Ari

Then you will see another ghost just entering through the ballroom, like through the side of the room.

Ari (as mother)

I was just making sure everything was ready.

Ari

And then look at that and be like:

Ari (as mother)

What did you do?

Ari

And look at the kids which are just like:

Ari (as Lexi & Tasha)

Uh…

Ari

And the other, just, basically members of the Monorva Household—which is an anagram for Romanov, by the way—the Monorva Household.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Yeah. God damn it.

Tom

I think we had gathered by this point.

Hallie

God damn it.

Ari

Yeah. They all have appeared.

Ari (as Lexi)

How do you undo this?

Ari

And the mom, Zenobia, is going to be like:

Ari (asZenobia)

I don’t know. I was just preparing things for the ballroom.

Ari

And the kids are going to be like:

Ari (as Lexi & Tasha)

He wasn’t supposed to eat the food, mom!

Ari

And so—

[Music ends.]

Tom

I’m gonna Nancy Drew this motherfucker.

Kyle

[Escalating.] Boss fight! Boss fight! Boss fight! Boss fight!

Ari

If you want to fight him, you can fight him for sure—try to.

Tom

Well, I’m willing to flee if we can’t outright kill, but Brent’s gonna Nancy Drew this motherfucker. I’m going to run to the side of the room and undo the rope that holds up the big chandelier in the ballroom and drop it directly on the pizza scorpion.

Ari

Oh my god!

Emily

Yes~!

Ari

Okay. Roll for that.

[00:50:00]

Tom

Heart of the cards, baby!

[Rolls.] … Uh, did we roll a 14 yet?

Ari

[Smiling.] We did roll a 14.

[Shouting.]

Hallie

We have rolled a 14~!

[Tragic horror music begins.]

Ari

So, you cut the chandelier without realizing how close you are from the chandelier. Do you have any last living words to say as you’re thinking, like “ah, your end has come,” or something like that? Even though the chandelier is coming straight at you.

Tom

I don't think Brent has any words other than trying to pretend to give a steely look to the pizza scorpion one last time. Then, ‘if you love me let me go~’ plays as the chandelier just smashes down.

Ari

As it does, Pesto Scuba, you will notice that the bed where you are is getting a bit more crowded, because next to you, Brent Chazz is sitting next to you now.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Sammy)

[Sobbing.] Brent! No!

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Peter)

[More disgusting slurping noises.]

Ari

So, what is gonna happen? Are you gonna fight him? It’s only you and him now.

Kyle

The roll board is clean.

Ari & Kyle

The roll board is clean.

Hallie

The roll board IS clean.

Kyle

Unless we want to unclean it.

Ari

Yeah… Maybe. Should we roll?

Emily

[Indignant.] I think it should be clean.

Ari

How about Kyle rolls one, and I roll one, and those are the two finale death numbers?

Emily

Okay.

Ari

[Rolls.] It’s a 4.

Kyle

[Rolls.] And mine is a 12.

Tom

God.

Ari

Alright.

Kyle

Back to the beginning.

Hallie

Again!

Tom

God damn it.

Ari

Nice! Four and 12 are the death numbers for this finale fight.

Emily

Okay. Sammy is gonna turn around to the family.

[Inspiring, electric-guitar music begins.]

Emily (as Sammy)

Do you still have that colt?

Ari

Oh my god~

Tom

[Thrilled.] Yes! Yes! That is what I was hoping you would say! Yes!

Hallie

Yeah, there it is!

Tom

Yes! That’s what I wanted!

Ari

Lexi’s eyes will light up and he will say:

Ari (as Lexi)

Oh, that’s my favorite toy!

Ari

Then he will manifest it. First, because it’s just like the standard thing, a doll looking like Sam Winchester will appear with the colt but then Lexi will just grab the colt and give it to you.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Lexi)

Don’t worry about that part. That is not important right now.

Kyle (as Peter)

[Disturbing whispers.]

Emily

Alright. Sammy loads the gun and he does the thing that you do to guns so they’re ready to go.

Ari

The like, “click-click” and whatever that means?

Emily

Yeah, that thingy!

Tom

You spin the little revolver chamber a bit.

Emily

Yeah. It looks really cool when he does it. I just don’t know how guns work.

Tom

You cock the gun.

Emily

Yes, he cocks the gun.

Ari

He cocks the gun.

Hallie

There you go.

Emily

And he levels it, and stares down Pete, his last sort of living companion. But, as he points it at Peter, Pete… Is it Pete or Peter?

Ari

Not even he knows at this point.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle (as Peter)

[Slobbering crunchy sounds.]

Emily

The deeply upsetting zombie…

[Music ends.]

A single man tear is gonna roll down his cheek.

Emily (as Sammy)

I’m sorry… friend.

Ari

Oh god.

Emily

He’s gonna pull the trigger.

[Rolls.] Nineteen!

[Cheering.]

Ari

Alright! It will be like that slow-motion thing that happens in big supernatural ‘I got the monster’ thing where you see the bullet in slow-mo hit Pete. Where does it hit Pete? Obviously it has to be a vital point. Where does it hit Pete, Kyle?

Kyle

He’s a pizza scorpion. I don't know where the fuck—

Tom

Right in the pepperoni!

[Laughter.]

Ari

In the pepperoni. Sure. It hits Pete in the pepperoni. Do you have any last—not necessarily words, I don't know if you can say words at this point, but any last actions?

[Unsettling horror music begins.]

Kyle

So, I’m gonna say Pete was lunging up. He had his big tail up and his pincers and he was ready to grab both sides. I’m actually gonna say, yeah, he reached up and he had grabbed both sides of the bed and he was rearing his scorpion tail to strike, which at the very end of it, at the tip, had the first thing he ate…

Ari

No…

Kyle

…a little Hershey’s Kiss.

Ari

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Kyle

And it swings down, and right as it’s about to hit…

[Music ends with a gunshot.]

A blast. From Sammy’s point of view, it looks like almost blood of tomato paste hits him.

[Super-duper sad electric guitar music begins.]

We look and we just see a hole in one of the pepperoni slices, and the scorpion falls to the ground.

Ari

[Relieved groan.] Oh…

Emily

Sammy once again kneels…

Ari

Oh my god!

Hallie

God fucking damn it.

Emily

[Laughing.] …and places his hand on the ground.

Kyle

Are you cradling the stuffed crust head of this scorpion?!

[00:55:00]

Emily

No, he’s not cradling it. He’s putting his hand on the ground edgily.

Kyle

Okay, I got it.

Ari

Ah, I see.

Emily

Yeah, you know.

Ari

Like an edgy man.

Hallie

As you do.

Emily

His hair falls over his eyes as he stares into the tomato sauce.

Emily (as Sammy)

Carry on… my wayward son.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Tom

That’s it. This is a cut. Done! There’s nothing else.

Ari

Yeah, honestly.

Hallie

That’s it. We have to cut on that.

Ari

Honestly… Yeah, this—yeah.

Tom

This is all over. Pack it up.

Ari

Yeah. You think this is a good way to end it?

Tom

I like that.

Kyle

I think that’s fine. Honestly? Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah. Honestly, yeah.

Emily

I shot Peter!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

You shot Peter! I was angling… I thought maybe the ghosts would disappear in the morning so that I could say the line “I’m fading fast, Sammy.”

Ari

Oh my god.

Emily

[Squeaks in delight.]

Hallie

But that was a rare opportunity and this is a way better ending.

Ari

You know, technically that would have happened, but this plot got derailed in ways I did not expect.

Kyle

I’m so glad you meant for a cute ending and you Bugsnax’d me so hard.

Ari

I just meant, like, everybody has been so set in their own things that they haven’t realized what’s going on, and they just miss their family, and it was a thing. I wasn’t actually going to have it like they got murdered  or anything like that, I was gonna be like they died separately but went back to the house because they just missed each other so much.

Players

Aww~!

Ari

I know!

Hallie

That’s really fucking sad!

Emily

That’s so sweet and sad, and—

Hallie

Fuck you!

Ari

[Laughs.] Yeah. So Hallie, for your reference, the girl in the mirror was Marsda, which is Maria, because I figure she’s the one that would be the most like “what’s happening here?” Then, the one that was painting was Olga, and then Tatiana, which was Tanya, never really showed up because you never went to any of the locations where she was supposed to be.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oops.

Ari

I mean, she sort of showed up a little bit in the ballroom, but that’s what I was going to reference.

Tom

Yeah, yeah.

Ari

Then, Alexi and Anastasia, I made them both kids because I like them both as kids.

Tom

Two babies in a trench coat luring people into their doom.

Ari

Yeah!

Hallie

Two babies in a trench coat!

Emily

That’s adorable.

Kyle

The worst part was I remember I joked at the very beginning—

Ari

You did! You did.

Kyle

“Oh, it’s two teens in a trench coat!”

Ari

You did!

Hallie

You did! I can’t believe you cracked it.

Kyle

I also love that it was all the super cutesy stuff for the reveal, but a man still did die.

Ari

A man still did die. I mean, there were still a lot of death traps. Also, the father, Nicholas, will appear which is the one that was making those whale sounds because he just hit his leg on a bedpost because he always does that in my thing and he just made an UGH sound. That’s what it was. But anyways.

Tom

Jesus Christ.

Kyle

I love how pure this all is. Anyways, time for a Resident Evil boss fight.

Hallie

Seto Kaiba is not a character I am having an easy time getting into. He is not my natural inclination.

Emily

Somehow Sam Winchester is my natural inclination…

Hallie

Yeah! No…

Emily

…and that’s so upsetting.

Kyle

Ah, my tooth feels weird.

Tom

You shut the fuck up, Kyle!

Kyle

It does. It feels a little weird.

Tom

In real life?

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Oh my fucking god.

Ari

Does it? Oh no. Please, don’t do this.

Tom

Please, you can’t.

Kyle

[Showing the webcam.] Don’t worry, this is the one that went bad. This one right here.

[01:00:00]

Tom

I’m… [Uncomfortable sounds.]

Emily (as Sammy)

I’ll find your mother. I, uh… I know I can’t find mine.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Jesus Christ.

Ari

Unless you are in Season 14 when she is in fact brought back by God’s secret sister, but then she is killed again by God’s… God.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I wanna note that lettuce did not come from anywhere else. He only has it in the hand.

Ari

[Laughing, trying to continue.] Fistivos…

Kyle

He ate some of his own hand!

Hallie

God! We know!

Ari

I got it! I got it!

Hallie

Agh!

Tom

Permission to ban Kyle from playing in the other one-shots?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

We have time.

Ari

You know, originally my punishment was just going to be “you become what you eat, you become a little hen and run around as a hen,” and then Kyle was like no, I have a better idea.

Tom

Bugsnax.

Ari

And then just cursed this fucking curse. Anyways.

Kyle

[Hums and sings the Bugsnax theme.]It’s a very good game.

Emily

So, I have a question.

Ari

Yeah?

Emily

You’re the GM, so you have the power to just make Kyle leave the game, right?

Kyle

[Smiling.] Oh! I’ve been messaging Ari this entire time.

Ari

Yeah, and you know, I didn’t really have a final boss in this game, so I kinda like how things have turned out. In fact—

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Just Kyle as the final boss.

Tom

Damn you, Kyle.

Ari

Yeah, I didn’t have a final boss here. It was going to be a cutesy family reunion thing, but now that is over.

 [Laughter.]

Hallie

You’ve ruined the Romanov family reunion! What have you done? You fucking ruined the Romanovs having a jipe and now we’re fighting the fucking fifth guy! Like, how did this fucking happen?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ari

This is what happens when Kyle is a PC. This is how, always.

Tom

Yeah. Kyle can only ever just try to feed more and more GM ideas as a player. Kyle… Kyle plays to backseat GM.

Kyle

I’m sorry!

Tom

No, it’s a good thing. It’s not a bad thing.

Ari

No, no, no!

Tom

That’s why it works, because your ideas are all very compelling to the game master. Everyone takes the deal.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

[Quietly hums and sings the Bugsnax theme.]

Ari

I think this is going to be the love confession of Pesto Scuba.

Hallie

No! It’s not though. I just have no fucking idea how he would respond in real words, because…

Kyle

[Continues singing, usually in the background but kind of interrupting.]

Ari

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Not by singing the Bugsnax theme song.

Ari

How did we get here, I ask myself.

Hallie

I don’t know!

Emily

It turned into a horse!