Eat Brains Love feat. Totalus Rankium and PONTIFACTS

Kyle

In a world where all of history is happening all at once, but it’s just a little more cartoony, the hip, cool, very ineffectual Roman Emperor, Diddius Julianus, attempts to become mayor of a small town, but in order to do so he has to uncover a dark mystery.

This episode, which doesn’t take place in the world of Hereafter but gives you a lot of information that will be helpful for next arc, is brought to you in partnership with Totalus Rankium and PONTIFACTS. Totalus Rankium and PONTIFACTS are both history ranking podcasts. Totalus Rankium is actually two podcasts: one where these two British men rank all of the Roman emperors, and then one where they rank all of the American presidents. The Roman Emperors has just wrapped up, at time of recording. Now it’s a couple of months ago they wrapped up, so you can listen to all of it now. American Presidents is still ongoing.

PONTIFACTS on the other hand is a papal history podcast ranking all of the popes from Peter to Francis. You can find links to their websites below, or you can find them by searching Totalus Rankium or PONTIFACTS on whatever podcatcher you’re using to listen to this episode.

And now, on with the show.

[Totalus Rankium intro theme plays.]

Bry (as intro announcer)

Welcome to Totalus Rankium. This week… Under the Neighborhood.

Bry

Hello, and welcome to Totalus Rankium. I’m Jamie.

[Laughter.]

Rob

I’m Rob, and we’re not ranking anything.

Kyle

Ranking all of the Jamie imitations.

Rob

Yes. If you are listening and you think you have detected that Jamie sounds different to usual, then well done, because that is not actually Jamie. Jamie is busy this evening, unexpectedly, but I managed to find a stand-in, and it’s Bry. Hi Bry!

Bry

Hello!

Rob

Hello!

Bry

I’ll bring my regular voice back now.

Rob

Please do, because that was scary. Yes, so, this is Under the Neighborhood. This is a collaboration with Quest Friends!, and I’m very excited to welcome Kyle and Ari who are coming along, and they are going to help us play a game. Hopefully it will be fun and interesting. I’m sure it will be. I have every confidence. So, hello Kyle.

Kyle

Hello!

Rob

I’m just gonna pass over to you because you’re the one who knows what we’re doing.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yeah. So, what we’re doing today is… over the course of the history of Totalus Rankium and PONTIFACTS, there have been a lot of fun interpretations, a lot of times where things have come up and the hosts have said something along the lines of “let’s say that’s what happened.” Unfortunately, history is not so fun as to use our interpretations of it, so we’ve got to create our own story.

What we’re gonna be doing today is doing a collaborative roleplaying adventure. Essentially, all the folks with me are going to be taking on characters in a story, and we’re gonna use a system that helps you tell whimsical fun adventures like you’d find in a cartoon.

Before I have everyone introduce themselves, the basic premise is today our fun characters in this silly cartoonish world are going to be playing in a world where all of history is happening all at once, and it is exactly how it’s been described in PONTIFACTS and Totalus Rankium. Pope Fabian? Really obsessed with birds. Loves them too much. All your mail? Delivered by some dude named Roger, or at least the bad mail is, and only the bad mail.

Bry

All of the franks are hotdogs.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Yeah, exactly. That’s the basic idea. The basic idea is we’re gonna be playing a fun adventure where we can toy around with all of these things with a cast of characters all of which are, I would say, inspired by history in the same way movies claim to be inspired by a true story. The three lovely folks with me are going to be playing characters, so let’s talk about who their characters are.

Ari

I’m Ari, she/her. I am playing Fabian the Avar, which is the intuition who invents, he/him.

Kyle

What’s Fabian’s deal?

Ari

Fabian is the leader of a neighborhood clan called the Avars, who just really, really want to fly.

[00:05:00]

He is the leader and creates a bunch of bright inventions to be able to finally soar the skies. None of them have worked, but this, today will be the day that he will be able to finally be like a bird. He also wears a plague doctor mask because it looks like a bird and he has little feathers on top of it. So, you never see his face, but it looks like a little bird.

Bry

Ari, I love you.

[Laughter.]

Rob

Okay! I’m Rob. I am playing Diddy Jules. Diddy Jules is a very misunderstood man. People think he’s got delusions of grandeur, but he knows that he is destined to be the emperor slash president, whichever. He doesn’t mind which. He knows this because he’s got a rock. Don’t ask where the rock came from, because Diddy Jules isn’t gonna tell you, but this rock proves beyond any doubt that he is definitely destined to become the emperor. Some say the rock told him one day, whispered in his ears, but again, Diddy Jules isn’t gonna go into that.

Diddy Jules is an opportunist who stumbles into success. He really should have failed in everything in his life so far, but things just seem to work for him.

Kyle

They seem to work out… so far.

[Laughter.]

Bry

I’m Bry, and I will be playing Formosa, the weird who was killed but lived. That is both literal and metaphorical in her life because Formosa is from another world. She is also a zombie.

So, in high school she came to this world, and she was an exchange student. She was very popular, had a very good time over here, but she went back home to the other world, made a life for herself as an adult, had a relationship with a man named Steve, and that relationship ended terribly. Awful. The worst breakup you could possibly imagine. Steve publically humiliated her, and it was just the most mortifying, degrading thing you could think of.

So, she has decided to Eat, Pray, Love her way back into this world, heal her soul. She has moved into this new neighborhood and is looking for a fresh start for her new zombie life.

Kyle

All I can think of is the Eat, Pray, Love doormat or hanger, but it just said Eat Brains Love.

Ari

Oh my god, yes.

Bry

[Laughs.] That exists now.

Kyle

Alright, so we have our characters, we have our world, and we’re gonna go on an adventure today, but we have to do one other thing. Under the Neighborhood, as I said, is inspired by cartoons, but it’s specifically inspired by cartoons like Gravity Falls or Amphibia or The Owl House. A big aspect of those cartoons is that, while you go on magical adventures, they all start from a mundane place.

The example I always use is there’s an episode in Gravity Falls where the main character basically upsets a surly teen and the teen does one of those, like, “we’re gonna fight behind the arcade, meet me at three.” That’s not something that always happens to everybody, but it is a very relatable thing that a lot of us, especially those who went to public school, can recognize happened, it’s something we can empathize with.

Where things get weird, then, is that the main character, instead of doing the fight, brings a character from a video game fighting game to life and then sets this fighting game character upon his bully. So, things where they start with something that might be relatively mundane if not every day, they spiral out into something fantastical with the addition of our world.

I have made this lovely, lovely chart…

[Laughter.]

 Rob

High-tech. I approve.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

What you’re gonna do is we’re gonna go around and essentially your arrow is pointing to the character that I want you to give a Slice of Life Complication to. For example, it could be things like the coffee machine is broken, or my car can’t go in reverse, or you’re 11 years old and you want to get into a PG-13 movie. Again, something that might not happen every day but is a very relatable mundane problem.

Rob

I’ll go first then. Formosa, unfortunately, she’s heard that free-flowing poetry is a way to get over a breakup. Just pour your thoughts down. She’s hoping to get into poetry in this way, so she closes her eyes and she just starts writing, and she’s been doing this for about three weeks now. Whenever she opens her eyes, it’s just the word Steve—Steve, Steve, Steve, over and over again with more and more exclamation marks.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Rob

She just wants to write a single poem that isn’t just the word Steve.

Bry

[Smiling.] Damn it!

Kyle

Unthinkingly cruel.

[00:10:00]

Bry

It’s so mean.

Kyle

Horrifically malevolent.

Bry

Ah… okay. I guess I have to go next. Fabian, I assume you have bird. Yes?

Ari

Oh yes, a lot of them.

Bry

You keep trying to take a nap, but your pet birds are, for whatever reason today, very unsettled. Every time you’re just about to fall asleep, you really, really want this nap, they start, just, BAWK. We don’t know what it is, but they’re very upset about something.

Kyle

They sense an evil portent in the winds.

Bry

Yeah. Maybe it’s Steve.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Alright, Diddy Jules. Today you have been prepared to give this massive amazing speech to the crowds in order for you to become President Emperor.

Rob

It was gonna be great.

Ari

Finally. It was gonna be great.

Rob

It is gonna be great.

Kyle

I’m gonna add a detail here. President Emperor of the Neighborhood. You start small and move up, you know?

Rob

In Diddy Jules’s mind, local politics is actually like the pinnacle.

Kyle

Your rival for this President Emperor thing will be Lucius “Lucy” Severus, which is Septimus’s first name, so now he has a niece and she is your arch-nemesis.

Rob

Ooh!

Ari

However, you also have a notice that you have jury duty.

Rob

[Groaning.] Oh no… I bet it’s not even like a juicy murder or anything, is it? It’s probably tax evasion.

[Laughter.]

Ari

No. Yeah, it is a very boring one.

Rob

Ugh!

Ari

So you have to figure out how to do both things.

Rob

It’s even more boring than tax avoidance, it’s like, just… I can’t even think of something more boring than tax avoidance.

Bry

Oh, I can.

Rob

Oh? Go on, then.

Bry

Moralistic sermons. What if the prosecuting lawyer is Gregory the Great? That man has thoughts about morals.

Ari

Oh no. Oh no.

Rob

Oh… Oh dear.

Bry

And celibacy.

Rob

Celibacy and tax avoidance.

Bry

Yeah, he was all about take the money for the poor, so he would have lots to say.

Rob

Yeah. Diddy Jules’s speech is due at 1 PM, so he doesn’t care whether this person is innocent or guilty.

Kyle

Another detail I’m going to add is, unfortunately, you have all cursed all three of you to be on jury duty, because now that’s a very easy way to get the three of you together.

Ari

Oh no.

Bry

Oh!

Rob

Oh…

Kyle

I’m so sorry.

Bry

Fabian!

Kyle

Alright, let’s start.

[Inspiring patriotic music plays.]

Kyle (as Gregory)

Now, I might just be a simple country pope, but I need to talk to you all about hellfire for a moment, and what awaits those who, yes, who evade their taxes, but most importantly do not partake in the important act known as celibacy. Now, some of you might be saying celibacy is in fact not an action, it is the inaction of doing something that, for the sake of everyone in the courtroom today, I will not go into the salacious details of, and I understand this, but—

[Music ends abruptly.]

Rob

Diddy Jules calls “objection.”

Kyle

[Laughs.] Everyone looks at you, including the lawyer. The judge is just like:

Kyle (as judge)

Sir, you’re uh… you’re part of the jury.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Yes, but I really don’t think you understand how important this speech is I have to do later. Could we just speed things up here? If we could be out of here by 1, well, half 12, that would be great. I mean, seriously, does anyone actually care whether this person is innocent or guilty or not? Right. Put up your hands. Rest of the jury, put up your hands. Do you care?

Ari (as Fabian)

I do not care. All I care about is being outside this building so I can try and fly once more.

Bry

Meanwhile, Formosa has not been paying attention, again. She’s been trying to write poetry and it is not going well.

Kyle

“Steve, Steve…” The person behind you just points down and says:

Kyle (as juror)

Oh, is the guy’s name Steve? I thought it was Lyndon.

Bry (as Formosa)

I can’t believe you would say that name to me right now. I need you to, like, take some space and back off. I’m just having a moment.

Kyle (as juror)

Oh, okay. Um…

Kyle

And then they start whispering to the person next to them.

Kyle (as juror)

So, is the person’s name Steve?

Kyle

And there is just a lot of confusion and chaos going on. The judge knocks on the gavel and just looks at you. For the sake of fun, I want you to roll Persuade Somebody. Normally would I let you do this? No, but it’s fun to roll. What will happen is Rob will roll. He’s gonna roll using a stat that is related to how he was trying to convince the judge. I’m gonna say Heart applies the most because the only way this judge will agree with you is by taking pity on you and finding the goodness in his heart to say “alright, sure, whatever.”

Rob

Well, fortunately, I have a silver tongue and my Heart is +2.

[00:15:00]

Kyle

Well…

Rob

[Laughs.] And my roll is…

[Rolls.] Nine, plus 2: 11.

Ari

Ooh!

Kyle

The judge just says:

Kyle (as judge)

You know what? Sure. Sustained. Alright? Please, Gregory, move on to the tax evasion part of this.

Kyle (as Gregory)

Well I say hellfire on me for ignoring this. Yes, I understand that.

Kyle (as judge)

Gregory, could we just, um… again, move onto the actual case.

Kyle

So yeah, then the case starts moving on and the other lawyer goes up. Doing a bang-up job. Let’s make this Adams. Sure, Adams was a good lawyer.

Rob

Yep.

Kyle

John Adams is up there. He is doing a very good job being a lawyer despite the fact that no one particularly likes him.

Rob

[Chuckles.] But is he quick? That’s the most important thing.

Kyle

He’s quick, he’s good, but he’s not notable. It’s not the kind of thing that I think our listeners or children should learn about, not historically important.

Rob

[Laughs.] Fair enough.

Kyle

He moves on. Do you want to do anything while this case is happening?

Ari

I’ll just say that Fabian… because he has a plague mask and you can’t see his face, he might look attentive but in reality he has dozed off and he’s actually falling asleep because he has had really bad nights lately since his birds have been really noisy.

Kyle

So, no one’s paying attention.

Rob

No. Diddy Jules is writing out his new ideas for bing collections.

Kyle

Okay, so the thing goes on. I want everyone to roll me a single six-sided dice. One through three is guilty, four to six is not guilty.

[Others roll.]

Bry

Guilty.

Ari

Not guilty.

Rob

Sorry, I got excited by rolling my dice. I got a 6. Was that guilty or not guilty?

Kyle

Alright. Through random chance, he gets voted not guilty, because none of you are paying attention. Formosa had gotten everyone so confused. That’s actually what happened, some of them did write guilty but for some guy named Steve.

Bry

Oh, he’s guilty.

Rob

If there was one thing I picked up through the whisperings of the jury during the trial, it’s that Steve is a d—{censor chime}.

Bry

Yeah!

Rob

And very guilty.

Kyle

Unfortunately, the defendant was in fact named Linden, so he was set free. Yeah, so you all get outside of the courtroom, and as you do, something strange happens.

[Threatening mystery music begins.]

While you were working, you had a couple of guys… You didn’t pay a whole lot of attention, right? There was this one guy who was so forgettable: forgettable face, forgettable name, completely unremarkable, a bit bumbling, but no need to remember who he is. However, you all get a weird sense of déjà vu, because as you and the rest of the jury walk out you could swear you see that man walking into the courtroom, even though he was supposedly walking out of the courtroom with you.

Bry (as Formosa)

Huh. Did you see that?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

See what?

Bry (as Formosa)

That man. Wasn’t he with us? He just went back into the building.

[Music ends.]

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Ooh! Ooh. I’ve heard tale of these things. They’re called twins.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

There’s always a good one and an evil one, so you gotta watch out. Anyway, I’ve got a speech to do, so it was lovely meeting you all, but yeah.

Bry (as Formosa)

Don’t you wanna know if that’s the good or the evil twin?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

It’ll sort itself out. It’s fine. I’ve got a speech.

Ari (as Fabian)

All I could see is that person was walking, which is a tragedy, as we all should be flying by now. Once I have my invention perfected, that will happen. So, if you excuse me, I have more important things to do.

[Mysterious music returns.]

Kyle

That’s when all of you see the man again, but this time he’s further down the street and he seems to be walking towards… let’s say the fairgrounds. You’re gonna do a speech at the little town fair. You can see the same man walking towards the town fair.

Rob

Diddy Jules just mutters the word “triplets” to himself, with a disgusting tone.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Bry (as Formosa)

What do you have against triplets, Diddy Jules?

Rob

Diddy Jules just doesn’t like the idea of people looking the same as each other. It just freaks him out.

Ari (as Fabian)

If you’re so rude about people that look the same, I think you’ve just lost yourself three votes, Diddy Jules.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

[Gasps.]

Ari (as Fabian)

Four, if you are not careful.

Rob

Diddy Jules has a massive reevaluation of everything he’s ever believed, and suddenly he decides that this is now the hill he will die on, defending the rights of twins, triplets, and everything going up to quintuplets.

Bry

What about the sextuplets?

Ari

But not six?

[00:20:00]

Kyle

Only up to quintuplets.

Rob

When I meet some, I’ll decide. I’ll reevaluate then. I turn to Formosa and go:

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Yes, you’re right, this is definitely something that is interesting. I think it’s a vote-winner. What’s your problem?

Bry (as Formosa)

Maybe we should follow up with that guy, introduce ourselves, you know, maybe he’ll come to your speech.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Yes! Excellent idea. Fantastic.

Rob

I stride purposefully.

Kyle

It’s like a power walk.

Rob

Oh yeah. You know how you get people doing a power stand with their hands on their hips and their legs quite far apart? It’s that in walk form.

Kyle

Horrifying.

Rob

Which is horrifying.

Kyle

Absolutely terrifying.

Rob

It’s almost like a weird glide. Diddy Jules has heard that this gives off a sense of assurance and power, so that’s what he’s doing.

Bry

I’m a zombie, and I shamble, and I’m still put off by it.

[Laughter.]

Ari

I slowly walk behind both in a kind of… it looks really creepy and menacing, because again, the pig mask, but it’s just how he walks.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Yes, hello, good sir!

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Oh…? Oh!

[Silly music begins..]

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

I assume I can count on your vote, and your brothers’.

Kyle (as forgettable man)

What?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Your brothers. Your two brothers? Four? Four brothers? Maybe five, I’ve not decided yet.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Brothers? Uh… I’m going to the fair.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Excellent! Wonderful! I will see you there. I’m giving a speech, don’t you know. Future Emperor/President.

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Oh, you wanna go see Lucius Severus too?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

… Get away from me.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

He happily walks away.

[Music ends.]

Rob

Diddy Jules has another rapid succession massive evaluation of everything he’s ever believed in and now decides that quintuplets are awful.

Kyle

Still deciding on the twins and triplets, but they’re on thin ice.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Alright. So, you all go to the fair. It’s a fanciful fair. Actually, you and the neighboring towns have put it together this year, and it’s the first time, it’s the first year, so this is the Year of Four Towns Fair. There’s this big speech area for people who want to be President Emperor of this little neighborhood. What’s a mayor? Never heard of one.

Rob

I don't know, I quite like the idea that there is a mayor, it’s just Diddy Jules wants to call it President Emperor.

Kyle

There’s that place for speeches, plenty of places for you to jump off, Fabian, if you want to try to fly, and then Formosa, a couple of times you think you see Steve.

Bry

[Gasps.]

Kyle

A couple of times. Then you just realize, no, it’s just a guy that has his beard, general body shape, same terrible cologne. So you’re just getting déjà vu all over. I will also say you specifically keep getting déjà vu of that one guy, though. You keep thinking you see that guy over and over again.

Bry

This is really, really stressing me out. I need a distraction. So, I guess I’m gonna go up and try to talk to one of these guys since Diddy Jules didn’t really get much information out of them. So, I keep seeing Steve and I just need to focus on something else.

Kyle

Okay, perfect. Diddy Jules, I think you’re giving your speech, right?

Rob

Yes.

Kyle

And then—

Ari

So, Fabian, I want to ask if there’s a Ferris wheel, because if it is—

Kyle

Oh, there are four Ferris wheels.

Ari

Perfect.

Kyle

All locked together. You know the Power Rangers, I think, there was like a super-mech with all of them together? I don't know.

Bry

[Amused.] Wow.

Kyle

The point is it’s four Ferris wheels in a big Ferris wheel.

Ari

The point is he will get into the tallest one, and when he’s at the very top he’ll just look at the sky and shed a single tear as he is on top of the Ferris wheel.

[Mournful music plays.]

Ari (as Fabian)

So close, and yet so far.

Kyle

Is that all you do? You just get up there to have a tender moment?

Ari

Yes, he needs a moment. He does this every time there’s a Ferris wheel available, so he remembers what he fights for.

Kyle

So, you go up the Ferris wheel. You’re standing on top of it, right?

Ari

Yes, correct, on top of the car.

Kyle

You know what, I’ll just let you do that. No roll. I’ll just let that happen. You have a tender moment with a tear…

[Music ends abruptly.]

And then it lasts all of five seconds because the Ferris wheel starts going down again.

Ari (as Fabian)

It always lasts so fast… but one day we will be together for longer, my friend.

Ari

And point at the sky as it slowly goes down.

Kyle

Meanwhile, I want to spend some time with Diddy Jules. Diddy Jules, we’ll say that there is a stand for you to do your speeches and then there is a tent where people can get ready.

Rob

Okay. I’m pacing up and down the tent, crossing out lines on a piece of parchment that say things like “bow down before me.”

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Ugh, is that the right tone to open with? I don't know.

[00:25:00]

[Threatening music begins.]

Kyle (as menacing voice)

It’s the right tone to open with… if you have the confidence to back it up.

Kyle

Like, where someone would be if they were going to strangle you, just leaning over your shoulder, is Lucius Severus.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh… Hi.

Kyle (as Lucius)

Hello there… Diddy.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

I suppose you’ve come to watch my speech.

Kyle (as Lucius)

I’ve come to give my own speech and potentially watch yours. It is so fun, after all, to watch the squiggling worming horrible torturous death of others.

Rob

Diddy Jules just looks slightly confused for a moment, trying, racking his brain for a really witty response, and eventually just says…

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Your mum.

Rob

…and then turns around.

[Laughter.]

Bry

[Giggling, with an accent.] “Your mother.”

Kyle (as Lucius)

You keep my mother out of this.

Kyle

She seems upset.

Rob

[Laughs.] Yes! Diddy Jules gives himself a little fist-bump for a job well done.

Kyle (as Lucius)

You know, you still have a chance. I’d be happy to split the Emperor-Presidentship with you. You can get the President part and I’ll get the Emperor part.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh-ho, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Kyle (as Lucius)

I would.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Yeah…

Kyle (as Lucius)

Because I cannot help but be kind and offer mercy to a foe that would otherwise be trampled underfoot.

Rob

Diddy Jules pauses again for a bit.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

… Your gran.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Rob

And then just turns around.

Kyle

Oh! Alright, yeah, you go on stage. She is fuming. She has gone from “I will kill this man politically” to “maybe cut the politically.”

Yeah, so you two go up there for your presentation, and we’re gonna go back to you, Formosa. You wanted to go talk to a guy, right?

Bry

Yeah, one of these men I think I keep seeing.

Kyle

He turns around, ice cream kind of spilling over.

[Silly ambling music begins.]

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Hey.

Bry (as Formosa)

Hey! Are you enjoying the fair?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Yeah!

Bry (as Formosa)

What are you up to?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Ice cream.

Bry (as Formosa)

Ice cream is good.

Kyle (as forgettable man)

I love ice cream. Yeah.

Bry (as Formosa)

Have you been here long?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Uh… I think I’ve been here pretty much my entire life.

Bry (as Formosa)

At the fair?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Yeah, it feels like it.

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh, that’s… You feel like you’ve been here for your entire life. You know the fair just started today, right?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Yeah.

Bry (as Formosa)

This is the inaugural fair.

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Yeah?

Bry (as Formosa)

You’ve been here since it started?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Yeah.

Bry (as Formosa)

Are you having heat stroke?

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as forgettable man)

No, I have ice cream.

Bry

[Giggles.]

Bry (as Formosa)

Hey, do you, um, happen to have brothers?

Kyle

He thinks.

Kyle (as forgettable man)

I don’t think so.

Bry (as Formosa)

You don’t think so? What’s your name?

Kyle (as forgettable man)

Oh, right! That was very rude of me.

Kyle

He puts the ice cream in the other hand and he kinda drops it a little bit, sloppily, and he extends just a sugar- and ice cream-covered hand to you.

Kyle (as forgettable man)

My name’s Jeff.

Bry (as Formosa)

Ah! Nice to meet you, Jeff.

Bry

I’m dead. I don’t have any problem shaking his hand. I am dead, so it’s fine.

[Music ends.]

Bry (as Formosa)

It’s nice to meet you, Jeff. What are you gonna do next after your ice cream?

Kyle (as Jeff)

Well, I think I’m gonna vote for Lucius Severus.

Bry (as Formosa)

Hmm. Are you? Why is that?

Kyle (as Jeff)

I don't know!

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh, okay. Maybe you should go and listen to my neighbor speak, because Diddy Jules is about to speak and he’s a pretty nice guy.

Kyle

Fury. Fury goes over his face like you activated a kill switch, like you said the code phrase for a sleeper agent.

Bry (as Formosa)

Yeah?

Kyle (as Jeff)

[Severe.] Don’t you ever say that name to me again.

[Scary musical sting plays.]

Bry (as Formosa)

I understand that feeling.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And he goes off to see the speeches.

Bry

Fair. I’m gonna process that for a moment. I’m gonna watch my neighbor speak as well, I guess.

Kyle (as Lucius)

And that is why you must vote for me, because I will hold you up in the sky like that sad man on top of the Ferris wheel. If you don’t vote for me, you may find just how far of a fall from the metaphorical Ferris wheel I can make life for you.

Ari

Yes. Fabian, in fact, has done several turns in the Ferris wheel, but when pointing at ‘that man in the Ferris wheel,’ if anybody looked closely, you would see that Fabian is getting ready to try for good this time to activate his latest invention which is just a pair of wings with little rockets attached to the back. He’s going to get ready to jump from the Ferris wheel.

Kyle

Are you gonna do it? Did you build up the courage?

Ari

Yes. It’s the right time, you know?

[00:30:00]

Kyle

Are you using your Invent skill for this?

Ari

I am using my Invent skill.

Kyle

So tell me about your Invent skill.

Ari

Once per adventure I can create an item for myself or another character. It does an act that is otherwise unavailable such as fly through the sky like a wonderful eagle. I have to roll +Books to determine how well it works. Depending on how well I roll means whether or not this invention will actually work.

Kyle

Okay, perfect.

Kyle (as host)

Alright. Yeah, good job there, Lucy. Alright, so uh… we got Diddy Jules over here. Diddy Jules, talk about how you’ll improve the neighborhood and not threaten everyone else.

Rob

So, Diddy Jules walks out, does a big bow straight away, and then puts his hands up to stop the riotous applause that in his mind is happening.

Kyle

You hear a lot of identical voices go “boo!”

Rob

Okay. There’s a flicker, just a tiny flicker of self-doubt in Diddy Jules’s eyes, but not much. He goes out there.

[Inspiring music begins.]

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Ladies, gentlemen, anyone watching who loves this neighborhood, I am speaking to you, and I am saying that we need an end to this divisive politics, this smear campaign that Lucius is using to sully my name and threaten everyone.

Kyle (as Lucius)

It’s not a threat, it’s a promise.

Rob

[Laughs.] Diddy Jules just winces slightly and carries on.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

I have proof that I am a better politician, and that’s because I have photos of Lucius killing puppies. Yes.

Kyle

She gets genuinely a little nervous, like, ‘I did do that thing.’

Rob

[Cackles.]

Kyle

She doesn’t say it, but she’s definitely thinking it.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

And here is another photo!

[Music changes to silly music.]

Rob

There’s a PowerPoint on the background at this point.

Kyle

Okay, so are they real images or are they doctored ones?

Rob

Oh, they are very, very badly photo shopped images.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Here is an image of her helping an old granny across the road and then tripping her up halfway across. This one is her tying the seventh person to the railway track so she could physically reenact the trolley problem. All in all, I think you can all agree…

[Music changes back to inspiring music.]

If you’re looking for someone who can fill in those potholes and collect your bins, you don’t want this evil horrendous woman in charge. Trust in Diddy Jules. Trust your judgment.

[Music ends in a drum flourish.]

Kyle

Take a GM Intrusion. What this means is you get an AP but I get to do a hard move. This makes things hard for you.

Rob

[Chuckles.] Okay.

Kyle

You start winning over a lot of the crowd except for, again… well no, you win over a lot of the crowd because those guys aren’t there anymore. Jeff and the guys who look like him just aren’t there. Lucius looks over to you and says:

Kyle (as Lucius)

[Claps slowly.] Well-well, good job there, Diddy. Now, do you happen to have a slide of the time you ruined the first annual Four Towns Fair by destroying the Ferris wheel?

Rob

Diddy Jules visibly breaks into a cold sweat.

Kyle

You look down and you hear this beep, beep, beep, beep-beep-beep, and the thing you had been clicking for the PowerPoint finishes beeping…

Rob

[Chuckles nervously.]

Ari

Oh no…

Bry

Oh no!

Kyle

…and as you’re about to jump off, you finally got the courage up, Fabian…

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

…the Ferris wheel collapses from underneath you.

[Silly chase music begins.]

Ari

Nooo!

Bry

Oh no!

Kyle

Now you need to roll to see if your invention actually works.

Ari

Okay.

[Rolls.] It was a 9.

Kyle

So, your device is going to work until such point that you stop flying, at which point it will break.

Ari

I won’t be able to stop flying now.

Kyle

The curse! The monkey’s paw curls again.

Ari

I will say that when the Ferris wheel broke there was a moment where Fabian just was falling in slow-motion as it was going down, and then the device just activated and he was able to just (whoosh).

Ari (as Fabian)

I’m flying! I’m really doing it! Ahhh!

Kyle

Happiest moment of his life as chaos erupts at the fair.

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

I do want to note as well that… you’re fine, Diddy Jules, you’re not in the perimeter of the Ferris wheel, because again, she only decided to kill you literally right before this started. She didn’t have time to adjust it.

[00:35:00]

That being said, Formosa, you’re absolutely in the splash zone.

Bry

Okay, um…

Kyle

Since Fabian did not bother to save you, what are you—

Bry

[Laughs.]

Ari

Well, well, I mean… he could try. He will approach Formosa, probably, like semi-accidentally, just to show Formosa that he is in fact flying.

Bry

So are you just gonna crash into me before boom?

Ari

Yes.

[Laughter.]

Bry

[Pinched.] Okay!

Kyle

Ari, roll me Take Action to hit Formosa before the Ferris wheel does.

Ari

[Rolls.] Uh… that’s a 7.

Kyle

[Sharp inhale.] Okay… so you make it but not quite in time. I’m gonna say you make it before the Ferris wheel, but something’s gotta give.

Bry

Are we gonna crash into the ground?

Ari

No! Oh no!

Bry

Just hit me at full speed. Boom!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

How about this? You fly down, you hit Formosa, and you just knock out her torso, and her arms and legs are just still there where you hit her.

Ari (as Fabian)

I’m sorry! I didn’t think this would actually work, so I don't know how to navigate it! I’m working on it!

Bry (as Formosa)

I’m dead. I’m in pieces. That’s okay.

Bry

Should I roll Take Action to put myself back together…?

Kyle

Oh, no, it’s under the Ferris wheel. We’ll have to take some time to get back there.

Bry

Okay! That’s alright. So, my head and my torso are with Fabian but my legs are under the Ferris wheel?

Kyle

You know what? Let’s just have your head go with Fabian.

Ari

[Laughing.] Oh my god.

Bry

[Laughing.] Okay!

Kyle

The rest of you is under there somewhere.

Bry

Gee, thanks, now I can’t feel that pain. I’m happy with this result.

Ari (as Fabian)

Sorry! This is not what I intended!

Ari

I’m gonna try to circle back and it’s gonna be a really wide curve to try and circle back to where the rest of the body was.

Kyle

Okay, okay, okay. So, the two of you are trying to find the body under the rubble now.

Ari & Bry

Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, we’ll circle back in a second. While that ends, how are you feeling, Diddy Jules?

Rob

Diddy Jules went for a moment of shock but then quickly scrawled the phrase “your Ferris wheel safety candidate” on a T-shirt and is now putting it on, realizing this could be a vote winner.

Kyle

You get booed for that. I will say, because this is a comedic thing, no one was killed in the Ferris wheel.

Bry

Only my body.

Kyle

Specifically your body. It did the thing that it does comedically where something falls but you’re right in the hole of it. That’s where everyone was. They see your shirt and immediately start booing you.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

I’m for safety! I’m for the Ferris wheel safety. There needs to be more safety.

Kyle (as voter)

You broke the wheel!

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

But it wasn’t me! It wasn’t me.

Rob

I point a lot at Lucius, or at least where Lucius was. I don't know if Lucius is still there.

Kyle

Yeah, she is there.

Kyle (as Lucius)

A shame. They really seemed to like you.

Rob

Diddy Jules, again, pauses and thinks for a while, and leans in and whispers in Lucius’s ear.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Your great gran.

[Laughter.]

Bry

I would snap if I wasn’t just a head.

Ari

You just hear from the distance:

Ari (as Fabian)

OHH!

Kyle

Roll me Take Action. Roll me Fierce.

Rob

Sorry, what am I rolling?

Kyle

Take Action, so that’s gonna be Fierce. When we say things like Fierce, Books, Slick, these are specific stats that show how our characters view the world.

Rob

Yeah, let me just… Fierce is -1, so…

[Rolls.] A 7, -1. Six.

Kyle

She punches you right in the face.

Rob

Oh!

Kyle

Like, real hard. You get a bloody nose and everyone applauds her, and then she walks off.

Rob

I don’t feel like I’m doing well.

Bry

[Laughs.] At least you have your body.

Kyle

Formosa and Fabian, you’re gonna look for the body. Who wants to do the roll to look for the body?

Ari

Could it be Formosa? I can just hold the head on the bottom so that you can have a better look.

Bry

Sure.

Kyle

Okay. We have a move called Understand which is what we use when we have a question. Your question I assume is “where is my body.”

Bry

Yes.

Kyle

So, you’ll do that and then you’ll get a +1 because Ari is helping you.

Bry

What stat is that?

Kyle

That is Books.

Bry

Okay. I am ‘the weird,’ and I have Roll With Weird. At any point, you can roll a basic move using the stat Weird, +3.

Kyle

Okay, so you’ll get +4, because +3 for Weird and then +1 from Ari helping you.

Bry

[Rolls.] Oh, I needed it because I rolled 3, so that’s a 7.

Ari

Oh no! Ooh…

[00:40:00]

Kyle

Okay! Barely. Barely a mixed success. So your question, I’m assuming, is where is my body. Right?

Bry

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe there’s a part missing? Like, we could find all of it except for my right foot.

Kyle

Sure, yeah, let’s go with that. Everything except for your right foot.

Bry

No one knows where that right foot went.

Kyle

In fact, you somehow find a different foot. You now have two left feet.

Ari

Oh my god.

Bry

I love it! I can somehow stick it on there?

Kyle

Yeah, you can get it on there. It’s gonna be a bit weird to move, but you know.

Bry

I shamble anyways. I’m here for this.

Kyle

Yeah. The foot is slowly turning green. It’ll look like everything else after a few moments.

Bry

Exactly!

Ari

Oh no! No…

Kyle

Listen. All I said is that nobody died. I didn’t say anything else.

[Laughter.]

Yeah, and then after a while everybody leaves, leaving you three in the ruined rubbles. Fabian, I’m going to say that you can’t stay still in the air. You always have to be moving a little bit while flying.

Ari

Oh yeah, that’s what I thought. Somehow Formosa assembled herself while Fabian was carrying her, until she had enough, and then she just had to weirdly sprint with her two left feet.

Ari (as Fabian)

I’m sorry! I don't know how to stop this. I didn’t actually put a stop on it.

Kyle

I like what Bry did with her hand. She just stuck the head on and then corkscrewed around.

Ari

Beautiful.

Kyle

And yeah, it is the three of you left in the rubble of the first inaugural Year of Four Towns Fair.

Bry (as Formosa)

I don’t think this went well.

Ari (as Fabian)

What do you mean? I think it went fantastic.

Ari

He’s just flying around.

Bry (as Formosa)

I know, you’re very happy, Fabian.

Rob

I’m assuming you’re screaming this as you zoom by.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Ari & Rob

[Simulating the movement and speed.] “What do you mean? I think it went fantastic.”

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

[Simulating the movement and speed.] “What do you mean? It was a really good idea. This is the best day of my life.”

Ari

Yes.

Bry (as Formosa)

Diddy Jules! What happened up there?

Rob

Diddy Jules is just dabbing his nose with a handkerchief covered in blood.

Ari

Oh no.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

I think I might have won a couple of votes.

[Laughter. Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Happy music begins.]

Kyle

We’re gonna cut to a little bit before election day. Roll me Convince Somebody. Roll me Slick, Diddy Jules.

Rob

Uh… Slick. Ah, yeah, +1 for Slick.

[Rolls.] That’s a 10.

Kyle

Okay. You have actually gotten back most of the votes you lost in the disaster.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Bry

On a platform of Ferris wheel safety?

Rob

Yes. If you were to look in the press on things, it’s because I’ve been talking a lot about Ferris wheel safety after the disaster, but it’s mostly bribery. It’s pretty much all bribery.

Kyle

It was working really well, but every time there’s a poll there seemed to be more people in the poll, and they seem to almost universally vote for Lucius Severus. So, you were doing really well, but every time more and more people are polled things start slipping out of your favor again. What have you two been up to in this time, Formosa and Fabian?

Bry

So, I’ve been doing a lot of self-care.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Do the poems now say Jeff in addition to Steve?

Bry

Yes, and I’ve been taking a lot of long baths to relax my discombobulated body.

Kyle

Get some of the extra flakes off, shedding like a snake.

Bry

Yeah! I try to take some dance lessons to boost my confidence, but two left feet… you know how it goes. So, you know, I’ve just been really working on that Eat Brains Love philosophy, for better or worse.

Kyle

How about you, Fabian?

Ari

Fabian—

Bry

[Laughing.] Flying forever.

Ari

I mean, he has been trying to adapt his house and surroundings to a more flying-adapted environment because, again, he never thought this would actually work. Now that he cannot actually stop, he has to figure out ways to still be able to take a break without stopping flying.

Kyle

Uh… roll me Keep Your Cool, which is what you do when you do something intense, but you’re gonna roll with disadvantage.

Ari

This is fair.

Kyle

You roll three dice and you take the results of the bottom two.

Ari

This is very fair.

[Rolls.] Ten, even with disadvantage.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Yeah! Fine! Sure! Your house looks immaculate. You have a beautiful roost. There’s a big door so you can just fly in, grab your cup of coffee and go to work.

Ari

Listen. Ever since he was a little kid, this was his top dream. He has been working towards this. He never actually thought it would work, but now that it did he was prepared for the changes that this would bring. So, he’s just doing this now, this is his life.

Kyle

Did you get any contract help for that or did you build it all yourself?

[00:45:00]

Ari

I probably contracted from the other Avars which are really upset now that—

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Real jealous?

Ari

They’re very jealous. They’re very upset. He’s trying to make a little nest on top of the tree above all of the Avars to establish his dominance. Maybe a little pole.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

One day, in the mail, you get a letter, all three of you. It says “meet me in the parking lot of the Bunny Poof Mall at 3 PM. No, that’s too early. Uh… let’s do 8 PM?” And that is in fact in the letter.

Rob

[Laughing.] Oh! I was gonna say, is that in the letter.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All three of you get it.

Bry

Okay. I think I’m definitely gonna go, for the mystery. I need the distraction. I’ll see what’s going on.

Rob

Diddy Jules is in the middle of getting maps for the neighborhood out, trying to count how many houses there are to try and figure out the population, because he thinks something’s wrong with these polls. There’s definitely something wrong with the polls. But, the letter intrigues him, so…

Ari

Fabian has realized that now he’s a little bit empty now that he has completed the goal that he thought was going to be his lifetime goal, so he needs some other goal now, and maybe this letter can provide it. So, he’s going to go. He’s going to go from 3 PM in case it was kind of a power move to say 3 PM, so he’s going to be there from that time.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Well, might I say, Fabian… you have a lovely day at the mall.

Ari

Perfect.

Kyle

But yeah, the three of you, you end up going to the parking lot. Specifically, you go to, uh… there are a certain number of stories. You go to 13.

Ari

I’m just circling the 13th floor outside of the parking lot.

Bry (as Formosa)

Diddy! I haven’t seen you in a few days. How’s your campaign going?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Pretty good! I definitely think I’ve got some more votes. People are happy when they see me. I’m definitely gonna win this. But, there’s just this nagging doubt… the polls, the polls seem wrong. There’s a lot of people out there, too many people.

Rob

Diddy Jules turns and looks out the window and sees Fabian just whizzing by.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

You there!

Ari (as Fabian)

What?!

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

How many houses can you see in the neighborhood?

Ari (as Fabian)

Hmm…

Ari

How many houses are there in the neighborhood, Kyle?

Kyle

More than there were last week.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Fabian)

Wow. Construction must be really going on this week. There are so many houses. Why? Are you looking to move into one of them? There’s one, really pretty, with a really nice yard. It looks way better than yours.

Rob

Diddy Jules by this point has just stopped listening, because he does that. He’s just too busy thinking of the total number on that poll that just came through, because it just doesn’t add up, and he’s pacing the parking garage.

Kyle

And then Formosa, you are there as well?

Bry

I am there, yes. I went a little early. I haven’t been to this mall since I moved in. Walked around, had a look, avoided some shops that brought back some not-so-nice memories, and then came to the rooftop, so you know.

Kyle

So, you’re spending time there, and then you hear a:

Kyle (as deep voice)

[Clears throat.] Over here.

Ari

Oh Jesus.

Kyle

In the corner there is a figure. You can see nothing about him other than that he has a very large hat and other large features that I cannot describe for the sake of the children listening right now.

Ari

Oh my god.

Bry

[Laughing.] What?

Rob

Diddy Jules immediately puts on his power walk slash glide and heads towards him with his arm stretched out for a handshake.

Bry

Yeah, I’m gonna let him lead the way.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Pleased to meet you. Have you considered voting for me for President slash Emperor slash all-time ruler?

Kyle

He shakes your hand.

Kyle (as deep voice)

I have, and I’m here to help you win.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh, you’re here to help?

Kyle (as deep voice)

I’m here to help.

[Mystery noir music begins.]

You see, this election has got fraud written all over it, and I know fraud.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Is he a friend of yours?

Bry (as Formosa)

Diddy!

Kyle (as deep voice)

An old friend, older than you.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Older than 35?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as deep voice)

And uh… since you helped me in my trial, I thought it was only right that I help you out as well.

Rob

Diddy Jules lets out a gasp.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Steve!

Bry (as Formosa)

WHAT?!

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Or someone. I can’t quite remember the details. It was a very boring case.

Kyle (as Lyndon)

Incredibly boring. We spent the whole time talking about, like, you know, tax evasion and not the juicy details of the other parts. So, anyways, here’s what I’m saying.

Kyle

Lyndon B. Johnson grabs a picture and he hands it to you.

[00:50:00]

It is a picture of someone you have no recollection of, someone you don’t recognize at all, looks completely unremarkable.

Kyle (as Lyndon)

Bunnies aren’t the only thing they’re making in that store.

Kyle

Formosa, you see on the paper Jeff… two Jeffs, actually. You see on the paper two Jeffs walking outside of the mall’s Build-A-Bunny store.

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh… no!

[Music ends.]

I don’t believe it! This can’t be it. They’re building Jeffs in the Build-A-Bunny store?!

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

What… What’s a Jeff?

Bry (as Formosa)

This man! This man that I met. Look, there’s two of them. Remember that guy?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh, the twins.

Ari (as Fabian)

Weren’t they triplets?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh the triplets… What? I’m very confused. What’s the problem.

Bry (as Formosa)

I think, if you want to get to the route of your problem, Diddy, we’re gonna have to go to the Build-A-Bunny store.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh no. I hate the Build-A-Bunny store.

Bry (as Formosa)

[Tearful.] Me too. That’s where Steve used to work.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Fabian)

I don’t have a problem with the Build-A-Bunny store, so I could go in, except I have another problem which is I don't know if I would be able to fit in my current predicament.

Ari

He’s just flying around the building.

Kyle

Vroom. Vroom.

Rob

At this point, because Diddy Jules is just getting fed up with this…

Ari

No~

Rob

…he jumps up as Fabian goes past and grabs a leg and pulls Fabian to the floor.

Ari (as Fabian)

Nooo…!

Ari

[Smiling.] That is also in character.

Kyle

Do you want to let this happen or do we want to roll competitive rolls?

Ari

Uh… maybe competitive rolls.

Kyle

Alright, each of you roll me Take Action.

Rob

[Rolls.] Oh dear, 4.

Ari

[Rolls.] Ooh. Uh… 6?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So, Ari wins, but I do want to remind you, Rob, that you have an ability called Loaded Dice.

Ari

Nooo!

Rob

[Gasps.] Ooh! Oh, I totally do. I totally do. I’m gonna call up my loaded dice and say mixed success.

Ari

[Smiling.] No!

Kyle

Loaded Dice means that Rob rolls something at the beginning of the session and he can use that to replace any roll at any time. You originally miss, like, you go to grab and you miss, but somehow you have rigged the scenario ahead of time so that you can bring him to the ground.

Rob

I’d argue that it’s not so planned in advance, but, as I am someone who stumbles through success, it just works out. I jump up and try to grab a leg, because it’s just very annoying having this person just buzz around all the time, completely miss and fall flat on my face, which was very embarrassing, but Fabian turns and laughs at me…

Ari

Yes.

Rob

…but stops watching where he’s going.

Ari

[Smiling.] And crashes.

Rob

Smacks right into the wall, and then slides comically down into a slumped position.

Ari

I love this.

Kyle

Like Icarus, except your sun was just some politician.

Ari

I mean, in true Avar fashion, just crashing into the wall. Fabian will just need a moment as all of his dreams are crashing down, quite literally, from this action. He’s going to just take his mask and remove it, and underneath it there’s gonna be another mask because he’s now not worthy of the mask he was wearing, but he always has a replacement.

Kyle

There’s like ten different layers. His face is incredibly sweaty underneath. It’s unimaginably hot.

Ari (as Fabian)

Okay. Well, this was the best test. I will have to just keep trying tomorrow, but I will never forgive you, Diddy Jules.

Rob

I’m completely ignoring this and walking towards the bunny center, asking Formosa as I dab the blood streaming from my nose yet again.

Kyle

You still got a bloody—? Oh, right, because you fell on the ground.

Ari

Oh, it’s the second one.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

So, tell me again why I should be concerned about them making Jeffs? I still don’t see how this is a “me” problem.

Bry

First off, I am going to pat Fabian on the shoulder before we start moving because we are both in a state of emotional verklemptness, and only he seems to understand my pain that I’m going through. Diddy Jules is not being empathetic to the people around him!

Ari

He’s not.

Kyle

He’s a politician. What do you expect?

Bry

Exactly! It’s very in-character.

Kyle

He’s got your votes, probably, so like why bother, you know.

Bry

We are the flyover states, for sure.

Bry (as Formosa)

I think, Diddy, that these Jeffs are these new numbers in your polls. So, I think if you go into that god-forsaken factory, Build-A-Bunny, you may find what you’re looking for that is skewing all your results. But, I don't know if I can go with you.

Rob

Diddy looks very confused for a while, and then falls to his knees, and shouts out:

[Over-dramatic music begins.]

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Lucius! Damn you!

[00:55:00]

Rob

And then jumps up and starts running towards the bunny factory, leaving a very tearful Fabian and Formosa behind.

[Music ends.]

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh gosh. I think he’s gonna get himself killed if we don’t follow.

Ari (as Fabian)

Isn’t that for the best after what he has done to both of us?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Just leave him to die. I’ll let that happen. I won’t stop you.

Ari (as Fabian)

But, if you want to conquer your own fear of going to this Buffy Poof factory, I could go. I would do it for you, Formosa. I wouldn’t do it for that traitor, Diddy Jules.

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh Fabian, I think you’re my new best friend. If you come with me, I may get some closure, so yeah, let’s do it.

Ari (as Fabian)

Let’s do it.

Ari

He’s just gonna do a really awkward hug because he still has his failed invention so it’s like really hard to do, but he will do his best.

Kyle

You know what? I’ve decided it’s funnier if it’s open.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change. Elevator music plays over the radio.]

You walk up and you see this really nice polite teen.

Kyle (as teen)

[Slowly and cheerful.] Hi. Welcome to Build-A-Bunny, where we’re offering more than just bunnies. Would you like to build a bird? Would you like to build a ferret? We even now offer bears!

Rob

[Laughs.] Diddy Jules runs past this teenager, smashing him to the floor, screams “vote for me” over his shoulder, and runs into the shop.

Kyle

Yeah. This is a confused teen who is just ready… who is already confused, thought maybe you were buying something for your kid or something. Yeah, flat on the floor. The other two of you walk up and you see this poor kid, laying on his back, staring at the ceiling, just contemplating his life choices.

Bry

I mean, he’s a teenager that works at the mall. This probably isn’t the weirdest thing he’s seen even today.

Kyle

No. Honestly, just a good excuse to lay down.

Bry

Yep!

Kyle

So yeah, you all are in the store. It has employees, stuffed animals, and children, because it’s a Build-A-Bear but with bunnies. You start by grabbing your little outside of the stuffed doll, then you fill it up with stuffing, you give it a heart. You can buy extra if you want it to speak when you press the little button. You can get some cute clothes for it. It’s just a Build-A-Bear but with bunnies. Two of you have not made a scene yet, one of you has. What do you do?

[Music ends.]

Bry

Is there like a Perceive? Is there any area in which it looks like something strange is going on? Is that an Understand?

Kyle

Yeah, that would be an Understand. Who wants to roll as the representative for the group to try to find it.

Rob

I certainly feel like Diddy Jules is trying to understand what’s going on because now this is very important to him. Although, I will say, behind the scenes in his mind, no one notices this but he does lock the idea of building lots of bunnies that say Vote for Diddy.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Roll me your Books stat.

Rob

Books? Oh, that’s not a good one.

[Laughs. Rolls.] Oh, it’s a 4.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

The two of you walk in and you hear children start to scream. You know the stuffing machine that’s filled with stuffing? Diddy Jules has pried it open and is trying to force himself in.

Ari

Oh no.

Bry

Oh no!

Ari

Oh, that’s so horrifying.

Kyle

I’m gonna tell you, security will be called very soon. You know, why the {censor chime} not, the security is the Franks.

Bry

Just a bunch of hotdogs.

Kyle

Just a bunch of hotdogs.

Ari

Oh no, not the Franks!

Kyle

Diddy Jules, your misunderstanding, because that’s what you get with a failed roll, is that you do in fact—you’re certain this is the way to the Jeff creation center.

Bry

So, he’s creating quite a distraction. Could we maybe leave out sneaking into a back room? Is there a staff area?

Kyle

Yeah, there is a clear staff area, just a door. “Do not enter, staff only.” You’re gonna have to roll me a Sneak, which is Slick, and you’re gonna roll with advantage because, as you pointed out, Diddy Jules is leaving a distraction for you.

Bry

Okay.

Ari

Can I spend an AP to give, like…

Kyle

Yeah, you give advantage as well, so you roll with double advantage, which means you roll four dice and take the top two. Ari, how are you…? We already know how Diddy Jules is masterfully, like an expert, setting up a clear distraction for a strike team to get in. What are you doing to help as well?

[Silly sneaky music plays.]

Ari

I just want him to stand in front of Formosa with his broken wings spread wide to kind of block anything going behind him.

Bry

Which is so great because I move very slowly with my two left feet, so I need the extra time!

[01:00:00]

Ari

Oh, that’s true.

Bry

[Rolls.] So, I rolled a 5, a 5, a 5, and a 2, so 10 minus 1 from my Slick.

Ari

Okay… Okay.

Kyle

You sneak, mostly. One of the following three can happen: you don’t get seen but you put those around you on high alert, you leave behind some sort of evidence that you broke in…

Rob

The left foot.

Kyle

…or someone other than who you’re trying to dodge is aware of your stealth.

Bry

I’m definitely gonna go with the second one and leave behind one of my left feet.

Kyle

You go in and the door shuts behind you but there’s just a little squeak-squeak. I don't know why it sounds like a squeaking toy.

[Laughter.]

But like, something to keep a door open, it kinda gets stuck on one of your feet. You don’t notice. Your foot is just leaving the staff room door ajar.

Bry

I’m okay with that.

Kyle

If it’s alright with you, Rob, I’m gonna keep going with these two for a little bit as Diddy Jules is just continuing to search.

[Music ends.]

Rob

[Chuckles.] Just ripping bunnies apart.

Ari

I just love the image of it happening at the same time. While Diddy Jules is just ripping things, Formosa is calmly walking towards the staff room.

Kyle

Alright, so yeah, you two are in the staff room. You see a series of names, just a bunch of employees, like the kid named Jerry is up there. Then, you know, there is an office that has a little placard that says Steve on it.

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh no… No. That can’t be. Fabian? I need you.

Ari

Fabian will try to smash the plaque.

Bry

[Laughs.] I thought maybe you could go inside and check, but…

Kyle

You know what? I’m just gonna let you do it. It is smashed, it is broken.

Bry (as Formosa)

Oh. That makes me feel a little bit better, actually, but I think we need to get into that office. Ugh.

Ari (as Fabian)

That’s true. Hmm.

Ari

I want to see what else I can see to try and see what is there.

Kyle

What are you trying to find, specifically?

Ari

Some evidence about what’s, uh… like, the existence of this bunny man, some blueprints or something of the sort.

Kyle

Yeah. You go in, you look around. Roll me Understand. I know it’s been a lot of Understand, but you’ve been doing a lot of investigating.

Ari

[Rolls.] Six.

Kyle

Formosa, tell me how your ex embarrassed you.

Bry

Okay. So, it’s gonna be hard for me, but…

[Tragic nostalgic music begins.]

Steve and I, we were in a really great place, everything was going super-well, but you know… I’m a zombie, and sometimes I’m dead.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Only sometimes.

Bry

Sometimes! You know? You just gotta shut off for a bit and live your best dead life. You know, that’s a very private experience for me, and at one point when I was dead, apparently Steve took pictures, and then he sent it to all of his friends, and then they sent it all over, and before long the entire Other had seen me dead, and I was just so mortified. Like, mortified. So, we had to end it. It was so hurtful and so invasive, and I’m still so angry about it. Dragging my dead body all over the place.

Kyle

Fabian.

Ari

Yes?

Kyle

You’re holding flyers with those pictures on them.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Oh no!

Bry

[Gasps.]

Kyle

And they say “this is the kind of company that Diddy Jules keeps.”

Ari

Oh wow!

Bry

Wow!

Kyle

“Vote for Lucius Severus.”

Bry

My poor dead heart!

Ari

I’m going to try to look for a paper shredder to paper shred these flyers.

Kyle

Yeah, you find one.

Ari

Okay. He’s gonna slowly put them in, and as—

Kyle

It’s broken.

Ari

Oh, it’s broken?! Oh no…

Bry

How did they even get this photo?!

Rob

At this point, can we cut for just five seconds?

Kyle

Yeah.

Rob

Back to Diddy who now has a bunny rabbit by the throat, up against a wall, screaming “tell me what you know, tell me what you know.”

Kyle

Yeah, and we’re actually gonna stay there for a second.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Kyle

As you’re screaming, you’re gonna hear a:

Kyle (as ???)

Ahem. Excuse me, sir.

[Oafish music begins.]

Kyle

And you see three flopping hotdogs with small security uniforms.

Kyle (as security)

Step away from the bunny.

Rob

Diddy Jules immediately drops the bunny, does the power stance glide, shakes hands.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Hello! Diddy Jules. Vote for me. Hello. What seems to be the problem here?

Kyle (as Lucius)

Why, a great many things, dear Diddy.

[Music changes to threatening ambiance.]

Kyle

From between the Franks, you see Lucius Severus walk by.

Kyle (as Lucius)

So, you’ve gone from terrorizing fairs to bothering children, it seems.

Rob

Diddy’s eye starts to twitch.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

I’m not surprised to see you here, Lucius.

Kyle (as Lucius)

Well, I like bunnies. What can I say?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

[Scoffs.]

Kyle (as Lucius)

So cute and adorable, and they make such a delicious stew.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

You eat bunnies?

Kyle (as Lucius)

It’s nutritious, effective, efficient.

[01:05:00]

Rob

Diddy looks confused. Again, leans in and just goes:

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Your great, great gran.

[Music ends abruptly.]

Rob

Hang on. Which one have I got to?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I’m not sure, honestly.

Bry

That’s right.

Kyle

Yeah, it was your great, great gran. Yeah, okay.

[Music returns.]

Rob

Leans in and goes…

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Your great, great gran.

Rob

…and then turns around and runs full pout towards the door that says staff room.

Bry

Don’t trip over my foot.

Kyle

Roll me Take Action.

[Music ends.]

Rob

[Rolls.] Okay, that is a 6 and a 3, so a 9.

Kyle

Okay, okay, so yeah, you make it but you’re not quite fast enough. What we’ll say is you actually trip over the foot.

Ari

Oh no!

Rob

[Laughs.] Oh no!

Kyle

The foot slides out of the door and you slide in.

Rob

I come to a rest, gently… well, less gently and more of a smack of my face on the floor again, and then stand up with the handkerchief out and start wiping the blood off my face once more.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh, fantastic, you two are here. Right. So… how goes it?

Bry

Well, Formosa is in the middle of full breakdown emotion. She’s getting mad. Also, with my descriptor, the ‘was killed but lived,’ I get like a comeback move. My being killed gives me experience, and whenever you do an action or have an experience related to your defeat, gain 1 AP.

Ari

Ooh!

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of giving you an AP, I’m actually gonna let you auto-succeed a roll of your choice.

Ari

Ooh.

Bry

Oh! Ooh… okay. Do I have to do it right now or can I hang onto that?

Kyle

I’ll let you hang onto it. It’s not the rules as written, but it’s one of those “eh… why not,” you know?

Bry

[Giggles.] Okay. I’m gonna hang onto that because I’m in the process of getting mad and I’m gonna show Diddy Jules one of these pictures of dead me.

Bry (as Formosa)

Look at this! This is what’s going on!

Rob

Diddy Jules over his shoulder because I’m, at the moment, trying to push a sofa in front of the door so no one can follow us in there.

Bry

That’s something we definitely didn’t do.

[Laughter.]

Rob

I look over the shoulder and just look at the “this is the kind of company that Diddy Jules keeps.”

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Oh dear… Well, that’s damaging, isn’t it?

Bry (as Formosa)

For WHO?

Rob

Diddy Jules just turns back around and starts putting things on the sofa.

Bry

Ooh, Diddy Jules is gonna lose some votes.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Okay. Recording-wise, we’re an hour and 44 minutes in, and… we need to get to some sort of closure, so this is my way as Kyle saying “hi everyone, let’s kick it into high gear.”

Ari

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

You pull over one of the lockers, the one that says Jeff on it.

[Threatening mystery music begins.]

Behind it you see… we’re gonna just say you see a cloning machine. Sure, yeah, there’s a cloning machine behind you. But, as you see that, the door starts rattling. You hear rattling, knocking.

Kyle (as security)

Get out of there! Someone call the manager!

Kyle

Tanks, elephants, somehow things have escalated to ten out of ten out of nowhere. This is where we are. You’re locked in a room, an army is outside, you see the cloning tank. Steve… we’ll wait on Steve.

Bry

Oh… well, Steve’s gonna get it.

Rob

I finish piling up stuff against the door and turn around and notice that the stuff I’ve been piling up has revealed this cloning vat.

Ari

Oh yes.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Ah! A cloning vat.

Rob

Because obviously Diddy Jules knows about cloning vats.

Kyle

Yeah, absolutely.

Rob

Yeah. He’s experimented himself. Then, he turns to Formosa.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

So… what? Do we destroy this?

Bry (as Formosa)

The cloning machine? I mean, you could, now that you know what’s going on, or you could expose her.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

[Gasps.] Or, is there any way of getting the Jeffs to vote for me?

Kyle

You see a switch on the side that says “voting for,” and one says Severus and then beneath it a switch says Diddy Jules.

[Laughter.]

Bry

Who would build that?

Ari

Does it say Severus and Not Severus?

Kyle

Oh, that is a monkey’s paw waiting to happen. I’m excited for the write-in ballot to come in. This was Lyndon B. Johnson’s plan all along.

Rob

Well, Diddy Jules sees this lever and the camera just keeps flashing between the lever and Diddy Jules’s face, and it just keeps getting closer to his eyes each time. Eventually… I don't know, I feel like for more comic effect someone else should pull the lever.

[Music ends.]

Bry

But do we want to pull the lever for you?

Kyle

Yeah. Are either of them gonna pull the lever for you?

Rob

[Laughs.] Fine!

Bry

You didn’t even console your dead friend.

[01:10:00]

Kyle

I can imagine Diddy Jules being like “you know, it would look better for me if I was the one not to pull the lever.”

Rob

Because Diddy Jules doesn’t want to feel like he’s winning through cheating, so he just suddenly shouts…

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Look, over there, it’s Steve!

Rob

…and points at the wall in the opposite direction. Hopefully that makes the other two turn around, and Diddy then pulls the lever.

Kyle

Does it make you two turn around?

Bry

Oh yeah.

Ari

Yeah.

Bry

I can’t help myself.

Kyle

Okay. Perfect. The lever has been switched.

Bry

I love how he doesn’t want to feel like he’s cheating but has been bribing everyone, forever.

Rob

That’s not cheating, that’s politics.

Kyle

Lincoln did it, you know? And if Lincoln did it, everybody can.

Bry

There you go.

Kyle

Alright. Anyways. You have flipped the switch. Congrats, you may win the election, if you can survive.

Ari

Oh!

Kyle

Because you hear a barraging, you hear chanting, you hear a tank, you hear a {trumpeting} of elephants. From outside, a voice says:

Kyle (as Lucius)

Give it up, Diddy Jules. You’re surrounded.

Rob

Diddy Jules steps towards the door and starts to move the sofa back out the way so the door can open.

Ari

Ooh. What?

Bry

You’re surrendering us, Diddy Jules? Did you even consult us in this process?

Ari (as Fabian)

I have a history with the Franks out there. I can’t have them come in.

Rob

He then opens the door but in such a way that he’s behind the door revealing Formosa and Fabian.

Bry

Agh!

Ari

Whoa! Oh!

Rob

I don't know, can I use Go Big or Go Home here?

Kyle

Tell me what Go Big or Go Home does.

Rob

It’s either a critical fail or a critical success.

Kyle

Yeah. Roll me a Sneak.

Rob

A Sneak…

Kyle

A critical success or a critical failure.

Rob

[Rolls. Laughs.] Oh, it’s a critical fail.

Ari

Oh no… Oh!

Rob

A natural 1, it’s two ones.

Bry

Ha!

Kyle

The rest of you see as Diddy Jules pulls on the handle. It’s like slow-motion.

[Tense action music begins.]

He looks back at you. You can see the malevolent plan in his eyes. He pulls on the door, and Diddy Jules, how do you react as the door, having been damaged so much, just falls off its hinges?

Rob

Diddy Jules surveys the scene. I’m guessing there’s, what, 20 tanks, 50 elephants?

Kyle

Yeah.

Rob

At least 1,000 hotdogs. Helicopters in the air. He raises both of his hands and screams.

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Vote for m—

[Squelching sound. Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

The “vote for me” scream is cut off mid-sentence as Diddy Jules gets crushed under an elephant’s foot.

Ari

Oh!

Bry

Ha!

Rob

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Diddy Jules is… Yeah, let’s get the nun in here. Diddy Jules is {censor chime}—ing dead.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Lucius)

Well, that was… easy. As simple as squashing a bug under one’s shoe.

Kyle

Lucius says, from on top of the elephant.

Kyle

And the Franks are like:

Kyle (as security)

And the scandalous zombie woman, what should we do with them, ma’am?

Kyle

And Lucy looks down at you and says:

Kyle (as Lucius)

I honestly could care less. I don’t care. Does anyone here care…? Well, I mean, if nobody cares—

Kyle (as ???)

I care.

[Cowboy showdown music begins.]

Kyle

And, walking out from the crowd, you see a small man with a little bunny poof on his head and a nametag that says Steve.

Ari

Oh no.

Bry

[Laughing.] Agh!

Kyle (as Steve)

Well hello there, Formosa.

Bry (as Formosa)

Steve.

Kyle (as Steve)

You know, I had enough pictures already. You didn’t need to…

Kyle

And he motions to some camera men to take pictures of you all in this embarrassing moment.

Kyle (as Steve)

You didn’t need to give me an excuse to take more.

Bry

Can I use my auto-success… to punch him in the face?!

Kyle

What is your goal with the punching him in his face?

Bry

[Smiling.] Um… punching him in the face is the goal.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Steve)

Ow! My nose is bleeding! This is the most painful thing anyone has been through today.

Kyle

On the ground, just the comically flattened-out body of Diddy Jules, still with a nosebleed there too.

Rob

[Laughs.]

Bry (as Formosa)

You know what, Steve? You’re not worth it. I deserve better.

Ari (as Fabian)

Yeah you do!

Kyle (as Steve)

Uh, okay, I mean… they’re still going to jail though, right?

Kyle

And he points to all the Franks.

Kyle (as security)

[Grumbles in vague agreement.]

Bry (as Formosa)

No, I don't think so. She didn’t care, so you can just go about your business. Leave me alone.

Kyle (as Steve)

I mean, she didn’t, but she’s not like Emperor-Mayor yet.

Bry (as Formosa)

Neither are you, Steve. You never had enough ambition.

[01:15:00]

Kyle (as Steve)

At least I’m alive all the time.

Ari

Oh…

Rob

Ooh…

Bry (as Formosa)

That’s working really well for you, isn’t it? At Build-A-Bunny!

Kyle (as Steve)

I will have you know that these bunnies make an important impactful, like, impact on these children’s lives.

Bry (as Formosa)

[Shouting over him.] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, Steve.

Kyle

You’re just walking past him?

Bry

Yeah, we’re just gonna shuffle right out with my lack of foot.

Kyle

Yeah, he winces.

Kyle (as Steve)

Get—Get…

Kyle

You get close to him and he just winces, afraid of being punched.

Bry

[Fierce.] Good. Let him be afraid.

Kyle

What do you do, Fabian?

Ari

I mean, he’s just fully-on supporting Formosa on this exchange and going, like…

Ari (as Fabian)

Yeah! Oh!

Ari

…in the crowd, behind all of her sayings.

Bry

Yeah, Fabian’s my new best buddy friend.

[Tender upbeat music begins.]

Kyle

The two of you walk off, arm-in-arm, in the distance.

Ari

But I’d like it to be kind of awkwardly because Fabian hasn’t figured out how to take his invention off.

Kyle

Formosa has one foot right now.

Ari

Yeah, so it’s very awkward for both of us to be hugging with this.

Bry

The Eat Brains Love journey was friendship all along.

Kyle

Your poems now say Fabian.

Bry

[Laughs.]

[Music changes to threatening ambience.]

Kyle

As everyone leaves and goes about their lives, someone comes in with a big spatula – not a shovel, a spatula, to just kinda get Diddy Jules from off of the floor of the room. The room of the Jeffs bubbles at night, and we can see that the light is still on ‘Not Severus.’

[Music changes to threatening mystery music.]

From the shadows, Lyndon B. Johnson looks at the electoral list for President-Emperor which has yours, his, and Severus’s name listed, and he just crosses out yours with a smile.

Rob

Oh…!

[Music ends abruptly.]

Well, I know I’m dead and everything, but at this point can I pull in It’s a Long Con?

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh my god!

Kyle

Describe It Was a Long Con.

Rob

Once per adventure, you can immediately follow up a failure or mixed success with a full success, explaining the failure was all a part of the plan.

Kyle

Okay. It’s important to note this does not undo what happens. You are dead. You have been crushed under an elephant foot.

Rob

Yeah.

[Spy rock music begins.]

Kyle

How is this all part of the plan?

Rob

Because, now that I’m dead, I become a ghost, and I become the ghost in the machine in all the voting machines, rigging the election.

Bry

For your ghost self in the machines?

Rob

For my ghost self, yes. I might be dead, but I will posthumously be elected Emperor-President regardless, and that’s all I want.

Kyle

And that, my children, is the story of how Diddy Jules became President-Emperor.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

And that’s Under the Neighborhood! Thank you for playing on this disastrous adventure with us today as we made Diddy Jules President-Emperor, something that will almost certainly never backfire for him, because he’s already dead.

Bry

Yeah!

Ari

Yeah.

Rob

Exactly.

Kyle

He can’t be killed again, so…

Rob

Nice. Gonna be perfect.

Kyle

I mean, you’ll have to figure out how to run things as the ghost in the machine. Are they just gonna have an iPad they cart around? Are you gonna be like Clippy for the rest of your days?

Ari

I love this so much.

Rob

Yeah, no, I think being Clippy is the way forward. That’s what he becomes.

Great. Well, thank you very much for coming on and playing this game with me, and thank you, Bry, for being Jamie for a while.

Bry

Any time.

Rob

It’s fantastic. And Ari, thank you very much for coming along and joining in as well. It’s been lots of fun. If you enjoyed listening to this, go and listen to Quest Friends! Because they’re amazing, and every episode is as fun as this.

Kyle

Our current season takes place in a world where the realms of the living and the dead are only a plane ride away. So, if you enjoy how accidentally ghostly this one-shot got, imagine just how ghostly it will get when we’re trying to make it like that.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Beautiful segue.

Bry

Beautiful.

Rob

Masterfully done.

Kyle

Additionally, if you’d like to play the game, this is a game that you can play and buy, and you can tell your own adventures in a cartoon world of your imagination or the world of The Owl House or Gravity Falls. Or, you could tell an adventure in our world, look at how would the world go after Diddy Jules became the President-Emperor ghost in the machine. If that’s a story you want to tell on your own, this game is a great way to tell it.

Bry

Amazing.

[01:20:00]

Rob

Great. Okay. Well, thank you very much for listening, for those of you listening, and a huge thank you to you three for coming along and doing this. It’s been great fun. Okay, all that needs to be said then is goodbye.

Bry

Goodbye!

Kyle

[Strained and deep.] Bye.

Ari

Bye~

Kyle

I don't know what that voice was.

Bry

Oh, I’ve gotta do it in my Jamie voice.

[Gruff Jamie announcer voice.] Goodbye!

Rob

[Laughs.]

Kyle

[Aggressively hums a patriotic tune.]

[Outro music plays.]

Rob

Oh, Bry, should I introduce you as a stand-in for Jamie or should we just go with the flow and say that…?

Bry

You stood in for Fry at my intelligent speech talk, so I think that’s perfect.

Kyle

Under one condition, and that is if Bry does the deep “welcome to Totalus Rankium! This week… Under the Neighborhood!”

Bry

[Laughs.] But you just did it so well!

Kyle

No. Yeah, well, you know… it’s lost.

Bry

Ugh.

Kyle

Sadly, the file has been lost already.

Bry

Okay. Alright. Do I have to start with that, then, and then Rob goes in?

Rob

Yeah.

Kyle

[Laughs.] There’s the preshow and it’s this very kid-friendly thing because it’s a fair, so it’s… What’s the thing that you buy to get your sins renewed?

Bry

Indulgences?

Kyle

Alright, yeah, Indulgies. That’s close enough to The Wiggles. It’s a little kids’ group called The Indiggles. There we go. It is a pirate-themed group of guys who are just like “ain’t you gonna learn about your fun and about some sins in time. Learn from Blue Hook, Four Devil Silky Dog, Pretty Mast and Blackfish and Salty Eye.” And it’s just a list of Pope John’s nicknames that Bry sent me, and it’s all of them just doing this pirate-themed kid show, and the kids love it.

Bry

Formal request to get that soundbite as a ringtone.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, we upload this episode on the Totalus Rankium feed, we just upload that song alone on the PONTIFACTS feed.

[Laughter.]

Bry

No context.

Kyle

Just ten seconds, no explanation, just “doo-doo-doo,” just this random man singing into everyone’s ears.

Kyle (as Lucius)

Do you know why I call you Diddy?

Rob (as Diddy Jules)

Because that’s my name?

Kyle (as Lucius)

But I don’t do Jules, because as a child… This is a very forced reference. I’m cutting it.

Kyle

I’m going back. I was gonna make a joke about how Diddy Kong is the second Kong.

Rob

[Laughs.] But also the best, so I mean, come on.

Kyle

Exactly. See? It wouldn’t have worked. No one wants to be Donkey Kong, you wanna be Diddy Kong.

Rob

Yeah, you want to be Diddy, just this little twirly thing.

Kyle

Yeah!

Rob

Yeah.

Kyle

Also, he was the main character in Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest.

Rob

Which was the best of all of the Donkey Kong games.

Kyle

Exactly. So, that doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. She thinks about it, realizes this, decides “you know what? No.”