Ep. 22: Questionable Measures, Part 4

Xoc, you see, actually, in the advertisements, you see an advertisement for somebody called The Great Vespari, and the tagline for that says, Fake Esoteries, Real Magic.

Oh, the baby is in the carriage riding with you.

Emily

Oh, okay, [Laughter].

Kyle

And it is just sickeningly adorable. It’s just like:

Kyle (as Baby)

Wahhhh.

Emily

Elee puts on the toughest face she can, ‘cause she’s tough.

Kyle

Mauve is going to turn over and say:

Kyle (as Mauve)

Well, you’re a real natural at this, aren’t you?

Kyle

But the really curious thing about her is her hair, which is made out of these extremely long, thin strands that are tied into this giant bow on her head, and she looks up at you and she just goes:

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Mom?

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Emily

Elee freezes. She’s not sure how to react to this. Neither am I, as a player. It’s fine.

Kyle

It’s all fine.

Emily

It’s all fine.

Kyle

We’re all groovy here.

Kyle (as Radio Announcer)

We’re all groovy here on Quest Friend station.

Emily

Elee’s fine, Emily’s fine, everything is fine.

Kyle (as Radio Announcer)

In five minutes, we’ll find out who your unknown child is. Stay tuned for that. And now … Groovy and the Bits with “You’re My Dad, Yes You, Person Listening.”

Emily

[Laughing] Wait, what? That sounds really dirty.

Tom

[Sighing] Oh, why?

Emily

Anyway, anyway, so interrupting that and pretending that I didn’t hear any of that—

Kyle

Yeah, let’s—also, everything I just said just happened to play over the radio. Like you know sometimes they have radios outside of waiting areas? Yeah, that’s what’s been playing.

Emily

Well Elee’s a mess, and she’s trying to not look like a mess. Finally, she’ll manage to get out, really quietly just:

Emily (as Elee)

What?

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, no, I’m-I’m-I’m sorry—

Emily

No, no, no, it’s—

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

No, I’m sorry. Um, no—

Emily (as Elee)

It’s okay, it’s okay.

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

No, that’s just what my dad said. I am, I mean, that’s what Steven said, so um—

Emily (as Elee)

I, I, logically, I am a woman, I have a u-te-rus...in which babies grow...like...plants and [sighs in exasperation].

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Well, well yeah, but I’m a vocile.

Emily (as Elee)

What the heck is a vocile?

Kyle

Uh, Hop, roll me—

Emily

Elee’s a mess by now, by the way [Laughter].

Hallie

Roll me a what?

Kyle

Roll me like a knowledge or history check, like, a knowledge.

Hallie

Am I there now?

Kyle

Uh, I’m going to say you might have overheard that term.

Hallie

Well I want to add that Hop was disgusted by the bathroom and was like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t want to put on my nice, clean, new clothes here.

Hallie

But then on the way out he was like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Wait, I’ve got fancy clothes that will remain clean in dirty situations.

Hallie

So he’ll turn right back in, and then he did end up changing into his new outfit.

Kyle

Okay, so it’s important to know that you know, both Hop and Elee had very important realizations. Elee realized she has a daughter, and Hop realized he never has to worry about cleaning his clothes again, even though, let’s be honest, he will.

Hallie

My understanding of it was that Hop would have been coming out of the bathroom when Elee was like already talking to her, so he probably would have approached at like, “I am a woman and I have a uterus,” and then like slowed down a little bit.

Emily

[Laughter].

Hallie

And then say like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?

Emily (as Elee)

Y-y-yes. No—I did not birth you! What—I?

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Well yeah, of course you didn’t.

Emily (as Elee)

What?

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

I’m a—

Kyle

How are we going to pronounce it? Let’s say “vuh-seel?” I like “vuh-seel.”

Hallie

I like vocile, that sounds cool.

Emily

Okay, so we’re going back and retroactively changing it.

Kyle

We’re going to change it to vocile.

Emily

Okay.

Emily (as Elee)

What’s a vocile? What does that mean?

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

I mean, we’re a Visitant. And, you know, Vocile women aren’t the ones who get pregnant.

Emily (as Elee)

But logically—

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

I know, I’m sorry, I know it’s confusing. Um, I’ll just—I’m sorry.

Emily (as Elee)

No, don’t, you don’t need to leave. I’m just very confused, because I don’t remember ever having a child, and I understand that Visitants work differently. This is—can we just like, a couple deep breaths?

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

[Deep breaths, which grow panicked]

Emily (as Elee)

Okay, okay, okay, it’s okay. Breathe with me.

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Okay.

[4:57]

Emily (as Elee)

In. [Breathes in.] Out. [Breathes out.] One more time. In, out. It’s okay.

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

[Breathing with her] Okay, okay.

[Wistful music begins.]

Kyle

And she picks up the photo and she says:

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Well, I’m sorry for wasting your time, uh, whoever you are. Clearly you must not be my mom, you must be, be, be somebody else.

Kyle

Uh, and as she picks up the paper, you can read the back of it. And—

[Music cuts suddenly.]

Emily

It’s going to be punishing me for denying her--my child--what--nooo...

Kyle

You pick it up, and you see—

[Music resumes.]

A note. You see a heart, and inside of it you see “Elee + Dareen.” And suddenly, like three rollercoaster carts from the world’s deadliest rollercoaster, it all hits you: This vocile named Dareen, this guy, you had a one-night stand with. And he was very, very fond of you, but you weren’t that into him. Vocile, you remember a couple of things about him. You remember that he had this like long, vibrant, expressive hair that he would use to kind of sensory—it’s almost like an external nervous system that he would use to sense and feel the world around him. And you know, that’s extremely dangerous in the Ninth World, having basically your veins and your nerves on the outside, but he just loved experiencing and feeling it too much, and it was so wonderful. But also a little too lovey-dovey and sappy, and you just weren’t really into it that much. You remember him actually mentioning at one point:

Kyle (as Dareen)

Well, don’t we want to worry about pregnancy?

Kyle

And you were like:

Kyle (as Elee)

Nah, man. It’s not a problem at all.

Kyle

And suddenly you’ve realized:

I think I understand why that was a problem.

Emily

As this realization comes crashing down on her hatted head, Elee just goes:

Emily (as Elee)

Shit! Ohh. Ohhhh… Ohhhhhh. Oh.

Kyle

How is Hop feeling right now?

Hallie

He’s not feeling good about this. He feels like he walked into something maybe he shouldn’t be involved in. So he’s going to like, kind of sidle over to Elee a little bit and be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Elee, do you want me to go? It feels like something very personal is happening. I don’t want to make it weirder than it already is by just—

Emily (as Elee)

You can’t make it weirder! You—[breathes heavily]—there’s no possible way to—huhhhhh I have a child. What do I do with a kid?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, um—hi, what’s your name?

Kyle (as Blue-Haired Girl)

Oh, um, me? Uh, my name is Soe.

Emily (as Elee)

Oh my gosh, I didn’t even ask your name! I didn’t even—I didn’t even ask your—I—Ohhhhh, I screwed it up! Like, I—she’s already past the age where you’re supposed to be able to scar them for life, but I’ve done it. This is Soe. Soe.

Kyle (as Soe)

Soe.

Emily (as Elee)

Soe.

Kyle (as Soe)

Soe.

Emily (as Elee)

That’s a really nice name.

Kyle (as Soe)

You—you—thanks.

Hallie (as Hopper)

So uh, uh, Soe—Elee’s great! You should go, uh, talk somewhere.

Emily (as Elee)

Elee is going to shoot daggers and glare at Hop.

Hallie

I’m going to literally like—

Emily

D-d-d-don-don’t you dare leave!

Hallie

Because he thinks he’s helping this!

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m just going to go like wait over there and let you sort this out. Uh, it’s nice to meet you Soe, Elee is great!

Hallie

And then he’ll just leave. Not far away. Like, a distance where he can’t really hear what they’re saying, to give them privacy. But he’s just going to like, step out of this and let them—

Emily

As he leaves, Elee is just going to be like:

Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering] Hop! Hop! No, get—get back here! Don’t leave me!

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Whispering] Do you want me to stay?

Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering] I don’t know!

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Whispering] Because I will, but I feel like I’m making it worse!

Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering] Fine! I don’t know, I don’t want to make it worse. Can I make this worse?

Hallie

[Whispering] I don’t know.

Emily (as Elee)

[Pause]

Oh, shit! We have other kids.

Hallie

[Laughing]

Emily (as Elee)

We just sent Xoc and Misha off on their own in Roulettia! Oh!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh god, we did. Oh. And we don’t have the psychic link like they do.

Hallie

Hopper’s just considering the repercussions of sending Xoc and Misha alone without a tether between the groups and goes:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, mmm…

Emily (as Elee)

Okay, yeah, never mind, yeah. Leave. Go, stand over there, and figure out how to fix that part, and I’ll fix this part, and—

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I-I don’t know if it can be fixed. I mean, we’re going to meet up—

Emily (as Elee)

Which part? Like, both parts?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Both parts, I don’t know?

Tom

[Laughter].

Hallie (as Hopper)

Soe, I’m, I’m, I’m—so what brings you to Roulettia?

[9:56]

Kyle (as Soe)

Well I heard there were, uh, there were truthtellers and people who could see the future here. So I found Steven, and he was the one who was able to get me to find you here.

Emily (as Elee)

You’ve been looking for me?

Kyle (as Soe)

Well after, well yeah, after my dad died I didn’t quite know where to go.

Emily (as Elee)

[Groans.] You wasted time...looking for me? [Distressed noise]

Kyle (as Soe)

Well I didn’t think it was wasted time.

Emily (as Elee)

I’ve already screwed it up. I’m sorry. I’m Elee.

Kyle (as Soe)

Well-well, so should I call you Elee or should I call you mom? I’m confused.

Emily (as Elee)

What do you want to call me?

Kyle (as Soe)

I don’t know, uhh—

Emily (as Elee)

So you do want to call me mom?

Kyle (as Soe)

Well, maybe. No, um, well—

Emily (as Elee)

So yes?

Kyle (as Soe)

Maybe—

Emily (as Elee)

Y-you can--

Kyle (as Soe)

wh—why don’t I take you to visit Steven? He should know—he would know what we should call you.

Emily (as Elee)

Okay.

Kyle (as Soe)

O-okay.

Kyle

And she immediately darts her head to the side and starts like walking with her arms stiff, off away from the rollercoaster.

Emily

Elee is going to like, shoot a kind of panicked glance at Hop and like, start walking after her like:

Emily (as Elee)

[Makes noise to draw Hop’s attention.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Alright, let’s go visit Steven.

Emily (as Elee)

Okay.

Kyle

So you’re coming along?

Hallie

I guess! I don’t know! Hopper doesn’t know what to do! He’s just wavering between like, leaving and staying. He doesn’t know what would be better. I guess, like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Do you want me to come see Steven, or do you want me to just meet up with you later?

Emily (as Elee)

Sure. I don’t know—yeah, just come to see Steven.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Are you okay?

Emily (as Elee)

[Sighs] No!

Hallie (as Hopper)

I mean, I know the answer is no, but-but-but, I mean like—

Emily (as Elee)

[Abruptly] I don’t want to talk about it.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay. Okay. I’ll come with you, and I will just wait outside if you want me to. But I’ll be nearby, in case you do need me.

Emily (as Elee)

I mean, you should probably come inside. You’re going to get mugged.

[Comedic, fast-paced music begins.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m not going to get mugged.

Emily (as Elee)

This is really sketchy Hopper, have you looked around?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well yeah, I mean—but—

Emily (as Elee)

This is the kind of place I spend time in, not you.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m not going to get mugged.

Emily (as Elee)

I’m not going to get mugged. You’re going to get mugged.

Kyle

And I as, I guess as just a little naggling part of me in the back of your brain want to interrupt for a second and let you know that as you’ve been debating who would and wouldn’t get mugged in Roulettia, Soe is almost completely out of view at this point.

Hallie

Oh, mmm, okay.

Kyle

That was just my way of transitioning out of your “I wouldn’t get mugged” conversation.

Hallie

Well it was more like a sullen like, I’m not going to get mugged.

Emily

And mine was like, sweetie, yes you would.

Hallie

No. I mean, Hopper just wants to get outside to prove that he wouldn’t get mugged.

Kyle

[Laughter].

Emily

I would not if I were Hopper.

Hallie

You’re not Hopper, you’re Elee.

Emily

Yeah, and I don’t get mugged, ‘cause I’m tough.

Kyle

Oh, hey look guys, we’re in the Land of Tomorrow. Guess we should transition to that scene.

Hallie

Let’s just transition. We’ll let Elee and Hop bicker slightly along the way.

[Chaotic music resumes.]

Kyle

So you followed Soe into the last main location of Roulettia, the Land of Tomorrow. And it certainly looks like tomorrow there is going to be a tornado, because it is just a horrendous mess of weird buildings that are propped up on their side. You’ve got pop-up tents, so many pop-up gambling games, and they literally pop up and pop down. Like people come, lose all their money, and them immediately shut down and run away. And in fact, one guy has just adopted this, and he just has like a poker table strapped to his chest, just walking around playing games. You know those things you ride on that everyone pedals and it’s like a trolley and they drink beer?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

It’s like that, but with some sort of gambling game. And it seems that every time somebody loses, they get jettisoned out of their seats and just fall into the dirt on the side. So you walk through all of this, and you notice that Soe is being very careful to stay near the walls, and she always keeps her back so that she can see her eyes everywhere around, like this trolley, she actually stands right next to it so that no one can really get her on that side. And eventually she leads you to what just kind of looks like an RV, and it has a metallic hang-glider resting on the top, as if the whole thing was a very, very poorly thought out airplane. And Soe turns around and says:

Kyle (as Soe)

I have to go in for a moment, and I’ll get you when they’re ready.

Kyle

And she knocks on the door, and you hear a old, coarse woman say:

Kyle (as Old Woman)

What do you want? Scratch, or get out!

Kyle (as Soe)

Uh, June, it’s Soe.

Kyle

And the voice immediately turns to what is trying to be gentler. It’s like:

Kyle (as June)

Oh! Soe, welcome home!

Kyle

And she just pulls it open.

Kyle (as June)

Did you find her today?

Kyle

And Soe just turns back and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Uh, I—I think so.

[14:58]

Kyle

And June’s face just like, you can almost see her jaw drop and she’s like:

Kyle (as June)

Well, let’s get that bucket of bolts, then.

Kyle

And they both walk inside. And the door is open a little bit, and Soe just turns back and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

You can--you can come in, if you want.

Emily (as Elee)

I’m going to awkwardly but fairly quickly go in. like, I’m curious at this point.

Kyle

Okay. Hop, what are you doing?

Hallie

Oh, Hopper doesn’t know.

Emily

Elee is going to beckon to Hop to come with.

Hallie

Okay, if he’s being beckoned, he’ll go in.

Kyle

Okay. Hop walks up and he takes a couple of steps. And suddenly—

[Eerie, dramatic music cuts in.]

—you hear a voice shout out:

Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hop Scotch! Hop Scotch!

Hallie

He’ll turn around to that, suspiciously.

Kyle

And you can see one of the gambling games. A guy is shouting out:

Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hop Scotch!

Kyle

And his gaze meets yours for a second. And almost challengingly he says:

Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hopper Scotch?

Hallie (as Hopper)

You talking to me?

Kyle (as Mysterious Gambler)

Hopscotch! Anyone wanna play hopscotch over here?

Hallie

Can I roll like a perception check to see if I should know this person?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

11.

Kyle

You do not know this man.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

But he knows you.

Hallie

I’ll take one further glance back, and then go into the caravan with Elee.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Elee, Elee! Is hopscotch a real game? I’ve only read about it in weird, old history books.

Emily (as Elee)

Yes, and I’ve almost died doing it twice. So I’d like—I know that there’s like that kind of, you know, like man-pride or whatever, where you’re like, oh, this male has challenged me with his gaze, but I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.

Kyle

Yeah. You walk inside. You can see, it’s a very small like kind of living space, everything is really cramped together. There’s like a little model airship that Soe seems to have been working on, and Soe is in the back, and you can hear her kind of rustling with some things behind like a door in the back of this kind of camper. And the woman who is named June just turns over at you and says:

Kyle (as June)

So how much do I have to pay for you not to scam her?

Emily (as Elee)

Not to scam her?

Kyle (as June)

This poor girl has been looking for her mother for months now, and we’ve already been burned a couple of times. I’m not going to let it happen again.

Emily (as Elee)

I’m not looking for—I don’t want your money. I’m just trying to figure out—I—I--am—her actual, non-scammer mom.

Kyle

Her arms are still crossed, but she looks a little surprised. She’s like:

Kyle (as June)

Well, I can see you’ve got some pretty coarse metal in your bones there, and I just need you to know one thing: If you’re lying to me, if you’re going to hurt this girl, that ain’t going to be nothing when I tear you apart. But if you’re not, well, welcome to the family.

Kyle

And she turns over to Hop, and she says:

Kyle (as June)

So what’s your deal, skinny?

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t really know. I’m Elee’s friend! I just got kind of caught up in the whole thing. I can really leave if that’s—if this is weird that I’m here. I’m just trying to be supportive.

Kyle (as June)

We’re in Roulettia, honey. Everything’s weird down here.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m getting that impression.

Emily (as Elee)

Tell him that if he stands outside, he’s going to get mugged.

Kyle (as June)

Really, I’m thinking killed, more like.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m just saying that I’m willing to take those chances if you don’t want me here.

Kyle (as June)

I mean, it’s your life, son.

Hallie

He’s going to look at Elee at that.

Emily (as Elee)

Just stay here. It’s fine.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay.

Emily (as Elee)

Look, if they don’t want—you know, being in the conversation, you can go stand in the corner and cover your ears. You’re not taking up that much space.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I will do that if that is what you want me to do.

Emily (as Elee)

I don’t care.

Hallie

Yeah, he was addressing the “you” to them.

Kyle

Um, June doesn’t respond, because as she says that, the door opens and you hear this like, rattling of a cart, as what looks like—

[Mysterious music begins.]

—one of those magicians in a box comes out, except he’s just a skeleton. It’s just a skeleton who is like, the top part of the head is kind of chopped off. And Soe says:

Kyle (as Soe)

Here’s Steven! I found him on my way to Roulettia, and he’s been leading me the whole way.

Kyle

And Steven, like, when she moves him, the head rattles a lot. And it feels like things are rattling inside of it. But then when she stops, it just doesn’t move. It’s just motionless.

Emily

I’m going to eye Hop and be like:

Emily (as Elee)

[Under her breath] Do you want to say something?

Hallie

And then after Elee and Hop kind of look at each other, he’ll just go:

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Uncertainly] Hello...Steven.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh-oh, no, Steven—it has to be—

Kyle

And you see June roll her eyes, and she’s like:

Kyle (as June)

It has to be a question. That’s how the toy works.

Emily (as Elee)

What are we asking Steven again?

Kyle (as June)

I’m just as lost as you, to be honest.

Emily (as Elee)

Soe?

Kyle (as Soe)

Yeah?

Emily (as Elee)

What are we asking Steven?

Kyle (as Soe)

Whatever we want.

Emily (as Elee)

What do you want me to ask him?

Kyle (as Soe)

Um, I don’t know. Should I call you mom?

Emily (as Elee)

[Apprehensively]: Okay.

[19:56]

Emily

And then, she’s still feeling kind of flustered, so at first she’s kind of like:

Emily (as Elee)

Should I call her mom? Wait, wait no--no, should she call me mom?

Kyle

And nothing happens. And after a second, June elbows you, and she points to a coin slot on Steven’s case. And you can tell you need to stick in one shin for a question.

Emily

One shin for every question? I have two shins, no, three shins left. So I’m going to use a shin, and I’m going to sigh, put it in the slot:

Emily (as Elee)

There you go, Steven.

Kyle

The head starts to rattle, and it sounds like dice are rolling around in it. And then the head pops down. And it’s kind of like, you know a Magic 8-Ball, how it rolls around and you see various answers after you shake it? It looks like that, except it’s with digital clock text, and it just says:

Kyle (as Steven)

Do what your heart feels is right.

Kyle

And the head slides back up again.

Kyle (as Soe)

Well, I guess my heart says yes.

Emily (as Elee)

Well, if that’s what your heart says, Soe, than you can call me whatever you want. But I think that probably should have been the answer all along. I don’t know that Steven’s—I think you figured out everything on your own. I don’t think Steven’s been helping you.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, no, no, no—

Kyle

And you can tell, she was getting brighter and brighter when she said that, but when you said “I think you figured it out on your own,” she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, no, no, no, that wasn’t—no, I didn’t do that. No, I need Steven’s advice. I guess we should ask another question because I don’t really know what we should do now.

Emily (as Elee)

Okay.

Emily

Elee’s going to take a second shin out of her pocket and look Steven dead in the--

--eyyyyy because he’s a skeleton! I didn’t even think of that!

--she’s going to look Steven dead in the eyes and say:

Emily (as Elee)

What now?

Kyle (as Steven)

Love is always the answer. Sometimes.

Hallie

[Laughter].

Emily (as Elee)

Soe, that’s so—I’m glad that Steven has been helpful to you.

[Inspirational music begins.]

But I think that for me, it sometimes is a little easier to just not ask someone who sees the future, and just go for it. Because, like, if had asked someone who saw the future if I should jump off a cliff, they probably would have given me some generic answer like, “You can defeat the Dark Lord with love,” whereas otherwise I could just figure it out myself and jump off the cliff and land on the giant, rotating gear, and like, toss the scientists off their feet, and rescue Mako, and like, destroy an entire city—

Kyle

And June’s going to lean over with Hop and be like:

Kyle (as June)

Do you know what she’s talking about? She definitely sounds like Soe’s mom, but I’m very confused.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Nah, she’s legit.

Emily

[Laughter].

Kyle

Okay.

Kyle (as Soe)

Well, well, but the plan you said that he could have come up with, defeating the Dark Lord with love, that seems like a good plan. That’s what works in the books that I like. Um, here, I’ll prove it to you. I’ll ask him one question.

Kyle

And she turns over and she grabs a shin from her pocket, and this one is tied to a string, that she like puts in and pulls out, and she’s like—

Emily

Elee is like, under her breath is like:

Emily (as Elee)

Shit, why didn’t I think of that.

Kyle

And then she’s going to look over to Steven and she’s going to say:

Kyle (as Soe)

Steven, now that my mom is here, is everything going to be okay?

Kyle

And she puts a coin in—

[Dice rolling, dramatic music building.]

And the head rattles, and it drops down, and you just see two characters. You see:

N. O.

And as it says that, you hear a sharp knock on the door.

[Door knocks.]

What do you do?

Emily

Elee is going to step in front of Soe, in-between her and the door.

Kyle

So does anyone go to the door?

Hallie

Um, I would look at June, because it’s her caravan.

Kyle

June is going to walk over, and she is going to open the door, and she’s going to say:

Kyle (as June)

What the hell?

[Guitar strums dramatically.]

Kyle

And you turn and you see what she’s looking at, and you see an ice sculpture of Hopper Scotch.

Hallie

Nooo! No!

Kyle

And the sculpture starts to crack down the center and shatter, and you see an envelope slowly flutter down and fly at your feet.

[24:58]

Kyle

Hello, welcome to the episode break for episode 22 of Quest Friends, Questionable Measures Part Four. If I’m talking quickly, that’s because this episode’s a week late! Woops! I really appreciate your patience as I got this episode out. As I’m sure you’ve seen, there’s kind of a lot of stuff that went into this one, so I want to make sure I really got it right. In order to make up for the week late, as usual I’m going to get next week’s episode on schedule, so instead of waiting two more weeks for our next episode, you’re going to have one, hopefully next Monday. Plus, there are going to be some super cool announcements coming out that Monday. But that Monday isn’t this Monday. This Monday is this … Monday.

And this Monday, I have one announcement, and one call to action for you. The announcement is that we have a Discord, kind of. It’s an unofficial Discord some of the listeners put together, so while I can’t guarantee kind of how it will operate the same way I could if something I’m making personally, I can say that if you’re interested in hanging out with other folks who like similar content, or you want folks to be able to talk to Quest Friends about, that’s a great place to go. And you can check that in the link below. I know that a couple of us, Tom and I at least, are hanging out in the Discord too, occasionally.

My call to action this week is to Tweet about us, or Tumblr out about us. I think the word is “post.” I don’t know. I’m the Twitter guy, I’m not the Tumblr guy. Twitter or Tumblr out about us, using the hashtag “#QuestFriends.” Or, alternatively directly tag us. If you do one of those things on Twitter or Tumblr, I will take the name on whatever account it is you did the post with, and I’ll put it inside a name pool, and this will basically go for anything I might need a name for that I don’t have something pre-planned for. So NPCs, locations, items, basically anything in the Quest Friends universe is fair game for this name pool.

And in fact, I already have someone from the name pool who you will meet next week, in next week’s episode. So, I’m already getting it going, so start those tweets out now, and I’ll stick them in the pool. That’s all I’ve got for you, the Discord and the hashtags. Besides that, thanks so much for listening. I hope you enjoy the second half of this episode, and I will see you again next week on Monday, September 3. I will see you then.

[Dramatic music begins again.]

Kyle

Alright, Xoc and Misha, you make your way into the auditorium. And you can tell this castle has basically, like the other part, has been gutted, and instead of having all these like, rooms and spaces, basically where the outside walls of the castle would be have been lined with hundreds and thousands of bleachers. And in the center, you just see this like, grungy, blood-stained pit, but because it’s a kid’s show, to make it look nice, they have a little chandelier that just poofs glitter and poofs confetti every so often. Yayyyy! And after a moment, the lights shut off and the crowd grows silent.

Tom

When the lights go down, everything gets in, when the hype starts building for the show to start, Xoc gets very excited and starts leaning forward in his seat. Before he was kind of like, sitting scrunched up like really awkwardly with his legs and arms close together right in front of him so that he wasn’t like, getting in anyone else’s space. But now he’s relaxed and spread out a bit more.

[Drumroll.]

Kyle (as Announcer)

Humans and visitants, magic lovers of all ages, and Steve! Prepare to enjoy the wonders of a mysterious man who can be solved … of a magic wielder who does not use esoteries … of the world’s only nanoless magician … The Great Vespari!!

[Trumpets sound in fanfare, accordion-driven music begins.]

Kyle

And as he says that, the hole in the center of the stadium opens up, and you see rising it, this extremely tall, like 10 foot tall man wearing a giant, star-riddled cape and a long plague-doctor mask. He bends and moves in the way that his arms and his legs are buckling and bending over his weight, like wet noodles. And the top of his head has thick, black hair that juts out of the side like feathers attached to an upside-down pyramid. And a thin moustache floats motionless on his face. And the crowd just goes fucking nuts. The crowd goes wild. And eventually, he takes off the mask to reveal a waxy, stretched face. And he just says:

Kyle (as Vespari)

I am … The Great … Vespari!

Kyle

And the crowd is like:

Kyle (as Crowd)

Woo! Yeah!

[29:58]

Kyle (as Vespari)

In other parts of the world you’ll find stage nanos, people who use these extraordinary abilities they are just granted with, to do simple parlor tricks. But I understand that doing what you are born with is not exceptional. It is just routine. So today, you will see me perform feats a nano could, but just through simple sleight of hand. Today, ladies and gentlemen, prepare to see real magic.

Kyle

And the crowd, again, starts erupting. And I saw your face kind of adjusting there, Tom. How are you and Misha responding to this?

Tom

Xoc narrows his eyes at the granted powers bit, like:

Tom (as Xoc)

What? People have to work hard to learn magic.

Ari

Oh, and on the contrary from Xoc, Misha is also confused, because they also have not encountered this before, but in difference from Xoc, Misha is just going to be really, really excited about this human that can do all of these things, and I mean, they actually legit are buying into his probable bullshit about you know, his magics, and they are just looking at him pretty like, pretty attentive, and almost on the edge of their seat, like probably the rest of the public is.

Kyle (as Vespari)

And with that, let the show begin!

Kyle

And he throws a bunch of silver glitter in the air. And he says:

Kyle (as Vespari)

For our first trick, I shall make my assistant fly. And while it will look like an esotery, I promise you, there is a trick involved. I challenge you to spot it, if you dare.

Kyle

As he says that, this woman in this kind of blue fairy’s outfit walks out, she has kind of the Tinkerbell skirt and she has these translucent blue wings that kind of jut out from her back. And then she walks forward and he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

Viola!

Kyle

And you see him flip some of the silver dust in front of her. And after a few seconds she starts to float. And could I have both of you roll perception?

Tom

Yes.

[Dice rolling.]

Ari

Six, no, nine.

Tom

16.

Kyle

Xoc, you notice that Vespari is using hematium. As he throws the silver dust in front of the woman, there’s a little bit of red glitter that comes along with it, which you would recognize as that red glitter hematium, which makes things lighter.

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

You are curious because you don’t exactly know how the wings on this blue woman flitter, but they kind of like flutter a little bit. It looks like she’s flying of her own accord. That trick you don’t understand how they’re doing that, and that’s kind of neat. And you find it kind of interesting as well that you notice that the wings stretch down and on her back they’re actually kind of extending from this tattoo of a swooping raptor. And you see that like the wings of this raptor, which are up in the air, extend out to be the wings of the fairy.

Tom

Xoc will whisper over:

Tom (as Xoc)

Misha Jarvis, I don’t understand the trick? He threw powder on her, but it was stuff in the powder that made her float. I-I it’s not even a trick! It’s just, what it was is what it appears to be.

Ari

Misha is going to use their datasphere connection to avoid being rude, and then just talk to Xoc and say:

Ari (as Misha)

I do not believe this is actual magic, Xoc. There is something strange about how this human is floating.

Tom

Xoc is just sort of baffled and let down by this weird not-magic.

Kyle

Yeah, and the crowd, I should mention, while you’re having the “this is disappointing “conversation is just eating it up. they’re like, cheering, they’re like:

Kyle (as Crowd)

Oh, how could he have done that? Did you see that?

Kyle

And actually some people behind them, like this one smug guy is like:

Kyle (as Smug Guy)

Oh no, I saw that, that’s hematium. I’ll tell you about that on the walk back to the Funhouse Hotel.

Kyle

And the show continues, and it continues like that. Like, very, very easy to see through tricks, and the ones you can’t tell like still, you’re like, this is clearly a trick, I can tell this isn’t magic.

Ari

Misha is going to mentally tell to Xoc:

Ari (as Misha)

I do not understand why the other humans are getting so impressed by this. This doesn’t seem like magic to me, and I am not experienced in such things, but it doesn’t seem like it.

Tom

Xoc will say:

Tom (as Xoc)

The reason I care so much about magic was because I saw how other people were just so filled with wonder. People would see something that they didn’t understand, something unknown, and it just gave people feelings that I didn’t really get. And this guy is giving people the same feelings as magic, while talking about how it’s not magic, and I--I don’t—it’s strange. I don’t know what I was expecting.

[35:00]

Ari (as Misha)

Well, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist anywhere else.

Kyle

Yeah, so you kind of just sit there. I’m assuming you still tough it out to the show. Do you tough it out the whole show?

Tom

Yeah, yeah.

Kyle

Alright, so we get near the end of the show, it’s been really disappointing, and the crowd just seems to be eating it up more and more. In fact, he makes these very weird, nonsensical jokes sometimes, and they get a massive laugh. And you’re like, but that wasn’t funny. And sometimes it was like, but that wasn’t even a joke! Like you’re just super confused. But then there’s one thing that catches your eye. He does, his second to last trick, he grabs these giant spears, and he throws them at his assistant, this blue fairy, and they like, all three kind of stab through her. But then she pulls them out and she’s fine. And this one is odd to you, because you’re familiar with the metal that those spears seem to be made out of, and that is hard stuff. That is very hard to move metal. It’s actually, it’s blue. It’s blue azure steel. And you know that azure steel, like, through this whole mission, it can’t be melted, it can’t be bent. So you’re very surprised by how this trick worked. Are you a little impressed by it, or are you just dead at this point?

Tom

Xoc doesn’t hate the tricks necessarily. Just, he’s so baffled by the shtick. I don’t--Xoc doesn’t really know how he feels.

Ari

Misha is equally disappointed by everything. And they also don’t like that Xoc is disappointed by this, either.

Kyle

Okay, so it’s kind of sympathy. That’s fair. And actually, after that one, the crowd goes silent for a little bit. And then, like they don’t really respond to the trick, even when like the stakes are successfully pulled out. And Vespari just nervously chuckles and he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

[Nervous chuckle] Well, you can figure that out on the walk home.

Kyle

And they all get a big laugh, and you’re like, that wasn’t a joke. But they’re all like:

Kyle (as Crowd)

Ah-hahahaha, of course we can figure that out on the way home.

Kyle

And then like, actually one guy behind you is like:

Kyle (as Smug Guy)

Well, I already know how it works.

Kyle

And then he finally looks around and he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

Well, it has been a pleasure performing for all of you wonderful, intelligent folks today. But for my last trick, I need a volunteer from the audience.

Ari

Um, ummm.

Tom

Xoc will raise his hand.

Kyle (as Vespari)

You, young man in the blue in the back. You certainly seem like you’re a strong purveyor of magic. Why don’t you come down here?

Tom

Xoc will do it. He’ll stand up, walk down to the front. As he does it, he like, pulls his hood up a little bit, makes sure that the robe is fluffed out a little bit. He wants to be presentable when he goes out there on that stage and faces this strange magician.

Kyle

Okay, you walk up to the center, and this man is towering. He is so like, you realize just how tall he is, and how kind of bendy his appendages are. It’s very weird. It’s like, you know those balloon guys that like, waver, like for advertisements?

Tom

Yeah.

Kyle

He kind of looks like that almost in the way he moves, except even more like the flow of water almost. And he turns and he leans over you and he says:

Kyle (as Vespari)

And what is your name, young man?

Tom (as Xoc)

I am Xoc, Wizard of the East.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Oh-ho, we have a wizard here, ladies and gentlemen. Someone who might try to take my crown from me.

Tom

Xoc just stares at him. He doesn’t have a response to that.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Well Xoc, if you could please stand in the middle for a second.

Tom

He will do so.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Xoc, do you have anyone special with you in the audience this evening?

Tom

Um, Xoc will tentatively say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Yes?

Kyle (as Vespari)

And what is their name?

Tom

Uh, Xoc is going to mentally communicate with Misha and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Do you think this is safe?

Hallie

[Laughter]

Ari

Misha is going to reply:

Ari (as Misha)

I have no experience with this, but it doesn’t seem safe to me.

Ari

Actually, Kyle, can I try and scan him and see if I, or like roll perception or something to see if I see anything overly sketch?

Kyle

Yeah. Scan him. Give me a roll.

[Dice rolls.]

Ari

I rolled a two, so I—

Kyle

I still want you to ask me. What’s the question you wanted answered with your scan? What piece of information did you want specifically about him? Because you can get like his level or you can get very specific information.

Ari

I guess I kind of just want to see if I see anything sketch other than his sketch act. Like, if he seems like a “good” person or if there’s something that might make me not trust him with my real name?

Kyle

Okay. You get the scariest thing of all: You don’t get anything on him. You don’t get a beat on this guy. You don’t know what his deal is.

Ari

God. Okay. So Misha is going to tell Xoc:

Ari (as Misha)

Xoc, I cannot read this human. So I trust your best judgment on this.

Tom

Oh, oh no.

[39:58]

Ari (as Misha)

I do not know what is best. But know that I am with you on whatever happens.

Tom

Xoc turns to Vespari and says, without flinching:

Tom (as Xoc)

Meeta Georgedis.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Well, I must say, that is a beautiful name. Georgedis, wherever you are, I am most sorry.

Kyle

And he claps his hand, and it looks like to the audience that Xoc just disappears. Like from his feet up. I want both of you to roll perception.

Ari

Okay.

[Dice rolling.]

Ari

This agitates me, I rolled a seven. I’m going to discard these dice for future rolls.

Kyle

Misha, it just looks like he disappeared.

Ari

In that case, Misha is going to stand up and yell:

Ari (as Misha)

No!

Kyle

One guy pipes up and he’s like:

Kyle (as Annoyed Guy)

Oh, calm down, it’s just a trick.

Kyle

And Xoc?

Tom

I got a 17.

Kyle

As you get up, you kind of feel some things brush against you, and you can feel the wind rustle. And you notice that that silver glitter that Vespari’s been using is rotating around you, and it’s intelligently reflecting the light in such a way that it looks like you’ve just gone invisible. This like silver dust. And you wrack your brain and you can’t think of a single trick, a single numenera device, a single thing that could have caused this trick unless Vespari was controlling it himself.

Tom

Countermeasures. I would like to cast it.

Kyle

What does Countermeasures do?

Tom

You immediately end one ongoing numenera effect, such as an effect created by an esotery, within immediate range. Alternatively, you can use this as a defensive action to cancel any incoming esotery targeted at you, or you can cancel any numenera device, or the effect of any Numenera device for 1D6 rounds. You must touch the effect or device to cancel it.

Kyle

And the exception to that, obviously, is esoteries, which you don’t need to.

Tom

And to describe what this looks like—

[Angelic music begins.]

Xoc of course extends his right hand, and the glove on there makes a little almost holographic keypad of various symbols. And by tapping a few of those, he’s able to just dispel the pebbles.

Kyle

Yeah, you raise your hand, you touch it to the pebbles, and the image immediately shatters. As they fall to the ground, some seem to be continuing to rotate as they fly out into the distance, as if they weren’t expected to move place, if that makes sense. For a couple of seconds, you see them start to wise up and flicker and move again, until Vespari looks over to you and he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

And he’s back! That was our final trick, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you so much and have a good evening.

Tom

Xoc will slam his strong glass staff down on the stage and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

No! No, you’ve been doing real magic the whole time! All of this was magic! It was always magic! These aren’t even tricks! You’ve just been doing things...straightforwardly!

Kyle (as Vespari)

Well son, that’s what I said: Fake esoteries, real magic! Of course I’ve been doing magic.

Tom (as Xoc)

No! No! That was a Numenera power! You’re a Nano!

Kyle (as Vespari)

Son, I know my tricks might seem like esoteries to you, but I assure you that they are all tricks. Could his mother please come down and get him and remind him of that?

Tom

Do I see any obvious devices nearby, like numenera devices I could activate?

Kyle

Um, what are you looking for?

Tom

Nothing specific. My plan is to use distant activation to make something whir to life or happen, like in an obvious way to indicate that I have powers.

Kyle

Yeah, you uhh, there is one thing. You feel a device beneath you. Some kind of elevator device. Like, between you and Vespari in the center, you feel something controlling what made him rise up to the ground.

Tom

I just want to be clear, is it like, between us? Or literally beneath us? Like, if I activate this, are we both going to slide down into the earth?

Kyle

It’s between you. Like, he maybe has one foot on it, but he’ll be fine.

Tom

Alright. So Xoc uses distant activation, he snaps a finger and tries to operate the elevator.

Kyle

Okay, it’s a relatively simple device. I’m just going to say you do it, because it’s a very simple device. And the metal grating beneath this door opens up, and Vespari, he had one foot on it, and he jumps up. And he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

Hey, watch yourself! And he like claps his hands, and the metal door beneath him slams shut.

Kyle

And he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

You almost dropped me to my death, kid! Can someone get him out of here?

Tom (as Xoc)

Why won’t you just tell these people the truth? You’re a Nano! You have magic! Even tricks are also magic! This is such an unnecessary distinction. Why-- [strangled noises of frustration] why have you done any of the things you’ve done?

Kyle

And as you say that, Misha, you notice some Roulettia guards starting to walk down the staircase as the audience starts to boo. They’re like:

Kyle (as Crowd)

Boo, kid!

Ahh, he almost killed him!

I thought that would have added a lot of excitement!

Is this the third act of the story yet, or is this like the inciting incident? Because I’ve got to get home soon.

[45:03]

Kyle

And Misha, you see guards starting to run down the staircase towards him. And Vespari just brushes his suit and he like more privately says to you, he’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

You’ll understand when you’re older, kid.

Kyle

Alright, so what are you preparing to do, because there are like eight—let’s say there are four entrances. There are eight to sixteen—yeah, there are eight guards total rushing down towards you, and a Misha, and you’ve got Vespari who is like, on edge.

Tom

Xoc--mentally of course--says:

Tom (as Xoc)

Get to one of the exits, I’ll be fine!

Tom

And Xoc does a twirl, raises his arms in the air, and says:

[Magical music begins.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Remember this then, people of Roulettia. Real magic is all around you. You just have to see it.

Tom

And then I want to farstep out like somewhere in the bleachers where I can like, bypass the guards.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

Today will be remembered when the day you almost captured Xoc.

Hallie

[Laughter]

Kyle

Okay, so you pop up to a staircase. Maybe if there’s like, you know, it goes to row ZZ, you’re in maybe row CC. And you’re like right at the edge of row CC; you’re on the staircase.

Tom

Xoc is going to take off towards one of the exits, holding on to his hood with one hand and holding the staff in the other, just running.

Emily

This is what happens when we leave the kids alone!

Kyle

Alright, you and Misha run out. You hear like a big:

Kyle (as Crowd)

Awwww!

Kyle

From the audience, and the one guy is like:

Kyle (as Annoyed Guy)

Oh that was just getting good!

Kyle

And you can swear, as the darkness goes around him, you can hear Vespari say:

Kyle (as Vespari)

Indeed it was.

Kyle

So you two rush out, and where are you going? You are now basically on the lam.

Tom

Oh, we were just, like, forcibly escorted out of a place. You know, it happens.

Kyle

You were going to, and then you used magic and ran away. I wouldn’t quite say, oh, we were just forcefully taken away from the vicinity.

Tom

It’s fine, we were just like, just kicked out. It’s fine. Anyway, but we’re like, Xoc’s going to grab onto Misha’s hand and run down the streets.

Ari

Yeah, Misha is just going to follow.

Kyle

Okay, so you run down and you weave through the streets. And at one point you go down and you turn a corner and you just hear a voice say:

[Music evocative of a film noir begins.]

Kyle (as Hidden Person)

You know, if you go down that street, they’re certainly going to catch you.

Ari (as Misha)

Who are you?

Kyle

You see a figure wearing a classic trench coat and a trilby hat, with a cigarette, walk out, and they drop the cigarette to the ground, and another one that’s already lit just pops out of their mouth. And they say:

Kyle (as Hidden Person)

The name’s Mac. You two kids want to get away from this trouble?

Ari (as Misha)

What—who—I know you said your nomenclature, but why do you care? Who are you?

Kyle (as Mac)

‘Cause I’m the last bastion of law in this town. [Exhales smoke.] And frankly, kids, we could use someone with spunk like you.

Tom

Xoc is just going to be like:

Tom (as Xoc)

Let’s go, Misha. This is a waste of time.

Ari

Misha is going to follow you like:

Ari (as Misha)

Uhh, I thank you for being the last bastion of the law. But we cannot help you with whatever it is you want. We are busy ourselves.

Kyle (as Mac)

[Exhales smoke.] Heard you two have been making waves with the Jagged Dream.

Ari (as Misha)

Where did you hear that information?

Tom (as Xoc)

[Suspiciously] We don’t know you. We do not know who you are. We need to find our friends.

Kyle (as Mac)

Well, lucky for you, we’re going to the same place.

Ari (as Misha)

Are we? Where are we going?

Kyle (as Mac)

As I said, the last bastion of the law—

Kyle

And then they start walking away, and they take another puff and they’re like:

Kyle (as Mac)

So you kids gonna just stand there, or are you going to let the world end?

Tom

Xoc turns to Misha and mentally says:

Tom (as Xoc)

I don’t really trust them, but either they’re a terrible ally or they’re an enemy and we need to find out what they’re up to anyway.

Ari

Misha is going to sigh and say:

Ari (as Misha)

I suppose that is true. They know information about us that I don’t know how it was acquired, therefore it might be useful to keep track on them and see if they’re the only person that knows this information. I also do not trust that they are the last bastion of the law. Whatever that means.

Tom

Xoc will start following after this mysterious figure, and also say to Misha:

Tom (as Xoc)

Did...did you have fun, or did I ruin everything?

Ari (as Misha)

No! No, I had fun! I thought it was a really nice day overall! I tasted—well, I had some things in my mouth, and you tasted some things—it was a really nice evening. And even though the show wasn’t what either of us were expecting, I think it was still, it was still good. Did you have fun?

[50:03]

Tom (as Xoc)

Yes. I was just worried that maybe you were saying that you, that you like—

Ari (as Misha)

No!

[Wistful music begins.]

You shouldn’t worry about me saying things to make you happy. I truly had fun. It was the most fun I have had in, well, in a long while. As long as I can remember, I haven’t had this much fun. And I say this honestly. I do not say this to please you, although I will confess that I would not have had as much fun if you wouldn’t have had it as well. But I did, and you didn’t ruin anything for me. You couldn’t have.

Tom

And Xoc will smile at that.

Ari

Yeah, I’m going to grab his hand and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Okay, let’s just follow this human subject.

[Closing theme begins.]

Kyle

And in front of you, Mac puffs another cigarette, drops it to the ground, turns back and says:

Kyle (as Mac)

C’mon, kiddos. Your future is waiting.

[Closing theme intensifies.]

Hallie

Nooooooo!

Emily

Ohhhhhhhhh!

Hallie

Oh, ho, no, nooo.

Tom

Well that’s some perfect timing, isn’t it.

Hallie

No! Ohhhh, no, no.

Tom

Ahhhhh

Hallie

No, no no no no.

Kyle

Hey, do you want to hear some more good news, Hallie?

Hallie

No.

Kyle

Uh, that happened because you didn’t go play hopscotch.

Hallie

Fuck!

Kyle

You would have gotten a something a lot more mild have you gone to hopscotch.

Hallie

Fuck! I was thinking about it, but like, Hopper was caught between two of the greatest fears, which is like being too close to someone but being too distant from someone. And he was like, is it better to leave Elee alone, or is it better to not leave Elee alone? And he voted not leave Elee alone, because he figured he could go investigate after they handled this.

Kyle

Also, I love “Ari: ‘I do not know what happened, but I imagine Lorraine has something to do with it.’”

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

No, no, noooo. Noooo.

[End – 52:11]

Related Episodes

40. Little Mon, Big City (Part 3)

39. Little Mon, Big City (Part 2)

38. Little Mon, Big City

Quest Friends!