Ep. 25: Questionable Measures, Part 7

Misha is going to have looked up in the Datasphere if there were any symptoms for flushed or, like, redder cheeks than usual, because they were a little bit concerned about Xoc.

Kyle

Okay, you get something very weird, because you pull that up. So all you get responses like this weird poem about weather called Seasons of Love.

[Theme intensifies.]

Kyle

Alright, so, Elee and Xoc. What’s your game plan?

Emily

So first, um, I figured out what I want my dossier to say. Since we’re going to see Tommy Funbuck, and we need to get his attention or whatever we’re deciding to do, I would like to have a creepy, stalkerish amount of information on him. Like, his likes and dislikes, his wants, his dreams, his fears, his habits.

[Mysterious music begins.]

Kyle

Okay, so you open—everyone else got a packet, got like, you know, a folder. Elee, you open your packet and you just see a Ziploc bag, and that Ziploc bag has a couple of things.

Emily

[Quietly, distressed] No…

Kyle

So it has a

Emily

[Quietly distressed] No, no, lock of hair...

Kyle

--lock, and we should probably note this down, it has a lock of his hair—

Emily

No! I was joking!

Ari

Ew, gross.

Kyle

It has an eyelash. And it has an alarming amount of Polaroid pictures. There’s something interesting, though, because the Polaroid pictures, you see on the back, have dates with question marks on them. One thing about this dossier is that it’s not going to be that thorough, because Lorraine doesn’t exactly understand Tommy Funbuck. Which if you ask her, is a point of extreme frustration. The dossier actually mentions that anybody who works with him has to essentially ingest what he calls a non-disclosure agreement. If they ever try to say anything about Tommy Funbuck, this slug that’s enveloped themselves in their throat will basically kind of reverse and go on the outside of their skin, making them completely invisible. They just disappear from the world, but they still have to like, walk through it. So because of methods like that and good old fashioned plain ‘ol murder, there’s not a lot of knowledge known about Tommy Funbuck. But they were able to get a few things. One of which is a list of likes and dislikes. Likes are things like swag, glitter, loot, bling—basically every fancy word for treasure. Dislikes include—actually, they don’t have a dislikes, but they have a list of fears, which include: socialism, handouts, and spiders. Besides this list of likes and fears, you also see those dates. They’re varying over the course of about 80 numbers, about 80 years. And on each of them, you see Tommy Funbuck at different stages. Some of them, he looks like he does now, this kind of very youngish, hip, mid-20s guy. But in some of them, he looks 30, 40, and some of them he has very deep wrinkles and a sagging face. You see Tommy Funbuck at various ages of his life, and you’re not quite sure how someone was able to make these photos.

Emily

He’s a robit!

Tom

Uh, I have a different theory, but that’s fine.

Emily

[Laughing] Yeah, I don’t think he’s a robot, Tom.

Kyle

Secret twist: every villain is a robot. Oops, you got me! Aegon, robot. Vera, not just a doomfist, a doom robot. Marshal, you figured that one out already. He was a robot.

Emily

Yeah, no, there’s a precedent set.

Kyle

As you’re taking out this bag and you’re walking towards Gamblestrip Navarene where the parade is, and you can hear it just super loud from a distance, you can feel Soe just looking over your shoulder, and kind of grimacing at that sliced off piece of hair that you have in the bag.

Emily (as Elee)

I-I-I don’t know either, kid. I didn’t do it.

Kyle (as Soe)

That looks so painful!

Emily (as Elee)

Oh, well, you know, humans don’t—it doesn’t hurt humans like it does vociles.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, right. I know. I just--I know.

[5:03]

Kyle

And she skips up, and her face, which is now very white, looking at this, lightens up a little bit. And she skips over to Xoc as you’re walking and just says:

Kyle (as Soe)

So, who’s your dad?

Tom (as Xoc)

Uhhh …

Ari

[Quietly] Hopper Scotch.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Xoc)

I never met my parents. Horus found me wandering out in the wastes before I can really remember.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, Horus? Is that like your brother or something?

Kyle

And she turns backward and she’s like skipping backwards and looking at both Elee and Xoc.

Tom (as Xoc)

Um, no, he’s another machine. I was raised among machines.

Kyle (as Soe)

So does that make you half machine?

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, I guess so.

Kyle (as Soe)

This is so cool!

Emily

Elee may or may not be starting to make the connection that Soe hasn’t realized that Xoc is not also her biological child, but she’s not gonna to address it, because she doesn’t want to get into that.

Kyle

So she pulls out a notepad, and you can see that she’s written down a couple of names.

Kyle (as Soe)

So you had all sorts of kids. Were there any others besides Xoc and Misha?

Emily

Elee realizes that now she can’t avoid this conversation.

Tom

Xoc is just narrowing his eyes, like wait, whaaaat?

Emily (as Elee)

Um, Soe, uh, um, they’re not my—my—they’re not my—my--they’re not my ki—they’re not—oh, look at that—wow, this parade is...really loud!

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh yeah, you can hear it all the way from here.

Kyle

And she says that because you’re still probably a good couple hundred feet away from the parade.

Emily (as Elee)

You, uh, you going to be okay with all the people? Do you want me in front or behind you? Or should I stand somewhere?

Kyle (as Soe)

Well no, I think with my mom and my not—

Kyle

And you can see her write “not” in her notebook.

Kyle (as Soe)

Not big brother, and this—

Kyle

And she pulls up the hood.

Kyle (as Soe)

I think I should be fine.

Emily

[Voice breaking] I’m sorry, I just need a moment.

Tom

Xoc has never been a not big brother before and doesn’t really know how to think about this.

Emily

[Half sobbing] I love her so much. I love my child.

Kyle (as Soe)

Alright, so we’ve got me, kid, Xoc not kid, Misha not kid, right?

Emily (as Elee)

Right.

Kyle (as Soe)

Okay.

Emily (as Elee)

Right.

Kyle (as Soe)

Are there any other not-kids?

[Languid, emotional music begins.]

Emily

Elee doesn’t answer for a second and just kind of fiddles with like a little fraying bit of her hat.

Emily (as Elee)

Well...you’re the kid.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, I got it. No, you’re talking about a Yellophane. I met one of those once, they’re real nice.

Kyle

You see her write in “Yellophane, third not child.” Interesting though, Yellophane is a kind of visitant that is typically extremely invisible, and sometimes just disappears from reality. So because Elee didn’t really give the name of anybody, it seems that Soe just thinks that there is another one, they’re just this kind of like invisible visitant.

Emily (as Elee)

Oh, sorry. I--I--I know this is all very confusing. Um, I just—you’re--I just have you as my child.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, okay. No, that makes sense, and it’s not confusing at all. I just have to update the chart.

Kyle

And she flips over the page, and you see like, you know one of those serial killer wall charts where it’s just a bunch of notes tied together by strings and dots? She’s just like, moving it around on this chart a little bit. Some things you can see on it. You can see her, you can see her dad Dareen, you can see a couple of his parents and um, you see not a whole lot of information by Elee, but you see a couple of like, musical notes by your face. And then you just see some other stuff. Like for example, you see her, and you see like a massive airship, and you see like a stick figure of her on the airship and it just says “Me, someday.”

Emily

[Pained gasp, as if having just heard something adorable.]

Tom

Awww.

Kyle

And just a bunch of other cute things like about her aspirations and where she thinks everyone has come from.

Tom

Oh nooo.

Emily

Oh, I love her!

Hallie

Nooo.

Tom

So Xoc will interrupt at that moment and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

So what’s a parade?

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, it’s super cool! So a bunch of people get together, and they walk.

Tom (as Xoc)

That is really impressive. Do they walk in a special way, or is it just that everybody is walking at once and nobody does that otherwise?

Kyle (as Soe)

Well sometimes there’s music, and there’s lights, and there’s really cool people who wave, like Tommy Funbuck. I know June says that he’s not that cool, but he’s just so [higher pitched] swag!

Kyle

And she ekes out the word “swag” because she feels like she’s not cool enough to say it.

Tom

Oh my god! Awww.

Emily

Elee is so conflicted, because “swag” is the worst, but Soe is adorable, so she doesn’t want to crush her excitement. But it’s very difficult not to.

[10:00]

Kyle

Alright. Do you do anything else as you make your way to the parade?

Emily

I just want to make sure that I’m kind of standing in a good orientation to Soe to try to be between her and as much of the crowd as possible so that, you know, she doesn’t get her hair touched.

Kyle

Okay, so you make your way through the crowd, and you all, I’m assuming you start weaving your way through to make it so that you can actually see what the fuck is going on with the parade. Because right now you just hear a cacophony of noise that the crowd is so dense that it almost gets muted as you go inside of it. And you feel all these, it’s actually a little uncomfortable, especially for you Xoc, because you’re bumping into all these things and it feels like there are some hands prying at you. And suddenly, you hear a horrific, creaking whinny of like a horse. And Elee, since you’ve been the one blocking, you’re going to be the one who has to roll speed defense.

Emily

[Sighs, worriedly.] Okay.

[Die rolls.]

Emily

Twelve.

Kyle

Alright. You deftly push Soe out of the way of what looks like a horse kicking backwards, but it’s this thin, wooden horse leg that is one of four that leads up to a wooden coffin. And you hear this guy yell:

Kyle (as Annoyed Guy)

Hey! Get your hearse out of here!

Kyle

And from on top of it, you hear Tattertop say:

Kyle (as Tattertop)

It is my hearse, and it shall accompany me so I can see the parade.

[Parade music begins.]

Kyle

And so on top of this horse-legged coffin, which is a vehicle called the hearse, you see Tattertop just sitting there, petting his box with the giant funnel on it, intently watching the parade.

Emily (as Elee)

Watch it!

Tom

Is this meant to finally be my opportunity to sell my useless, terrible banana cypher?

Kyle

Yeah, for context, Tom forgot to ask during the shopping episode to get his cyphers exchanged at Tattertop Penny’s Cypher Exchange, so this is my excuse for you to get them back.

Tom

Yeah, for every session since I’ve been like you know, we can just handle this off-screen. Nobody knows or cares about my banana cypher. It would be fine. Every time Kyle said no, no, no, you can’t escape this.

Emily

Kyle cares.

Tom

Alright, fine then. Xoc has been freaking out a little bit, but on seeing something familiar thinks:

Tom (as Xoc)

I may never again have a chance to get rid of this garbage.

Tom

Xoc will just run up waving his arm.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Loudly] Tattertop! Hello! It’s—it’s Xoc again. That guy from the city, Charmonde.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Oh yes! The one who kept my brother’s stores lights on for another few days.

Tom (as Xoc)

You trade cyphers people don’t want, right?

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Oh, I trade more than that. But yes, generally cyphers are what I trade.

Tom (as Xoc)

Alright. What if I have two here that may interest you?

Tom

And Xoc will pull out the hat with the strings, and the weird banana peel.

Kyle

He’s going to have the hearse like just kind of extend itself down so you can step on it. He says:

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Get on quick before others arrive.

Tom

Xoc will get on, I guess.

Kyle

Alright, you step on and it goes up. So how the Numenera exchange works, is Tattertop has this box with a big funnel you can put inside of it. The player provides an oddity, cypher, or artifact, depending on what you enter, and it looks like you’re putting in two cyphers?

Tom

Yes.

Kyle

You’ll roll a one D100 to determine whether or not you receive back an oddity, a cypher, or an artifact. You then are going to roll a second one D100 to determine which specific oddity, cypher, or artifact you receive. So let’s roll first to see whether you’re getting oddities, or artifacts, or cyphers.

Tom

Alright. Let’s roll the 10s column first.

[Dice rolling.]

Tom

I rolled a 96.

Kyle

Cool. What was the second one?

Tom

Oh!

[Dice rolling.]

Tom

I have to roll the second one. A 95.

Kyle

Awesome. So you, lucky, lucky winner, are going to get two artifacts.

Tom

[Surprised laughter.] What?

Kyle

And with an artifact, you get—uh, actually no, since you didn’t find them, I’m not going to give you experience as well, because getting two artifacts in and of itself is OP as shit.

Tom

Yeah, what?

Kyle

Alright. So give me a roll for what those two artifacts are going to be.

[Dice rolling.]

Tom

Alright. We’ve got ourselves a 10, and then a roll for the second one?

Kyle

Yeah.

[Dice rolling.]

Tom

51.

Kyle

Alright. So your first one is 51, a mephitic staff. And your 10 is a brain bud.

Tom

Oh dear.

Kyle

These sound horrifying.

Tom

Oh, God, I think I know what a brain bud is. I’m not certain I want it.

Kyle

So, the brain bud is an organic pod, almost like a small hemispherical bit of fruit. Once grafted to the host, it takes on the appearance of the host’s flesh.

Ari

What?

Kyle

The pod grafts onto any living host, must be near the brain, and injects complex chemicals that greatly improve brain activity. This grants a host a +5 bonus to maximum intellect pool, if you want to use it.

Tom

Oh, it would be strong. Oof. Ohh, that’s so strong.

Kyle

You can also exchange any of these for experience as well. Hallie, it does not come off.

Tom

No, I just have like a lump on the back of my head.

Kyle

He just has a second head.

Tom

Juicing into my brain.

[15:00]

Ari

Forever.

Kyle

He’s lucky, because we already have like Misha’s scarf and Misha’s hat. Otherwise I would definitely make it sentient.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Kyle

Alright, and then the mephitic staff, so you get this like gross pod just eke out, and it just slops to the ground, and Tattertop just picks it up in a napkin and hands it to you and says:

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Oh, be careful. Once it goes on your flesh, it doesn’t come off, heheheh.

Kyle

Uh, and then you get the mephitic staff, which is a short, metal-glass tube, fitted onto a well-made wooden quarterstaff. So you can just stick this onto your staff.

Tom

Uh-huh.

Kyle

When activated, the tip of the staff releases a concentrated, immediate-range blast of noxious fumes when it is struck against a solid creature or object. The affected creature loses its next turn to coughing and choking--what the fuck. Depletion is one and one D20.

Tom

Alright.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Now this one is a real party starter. I will say, Haymish’s Hollyween party was so much more exciting after I performed it.

Tom

Xoc will just solemnly nod and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Thank you very much for these powerful items.

Kyle

So Tom, are you going to put a brain bud onto your head?

Tom

I’ve got a disc drive in my head already. Surely it’s nothing extra to just like, stick a thing. It’s like—

Kyle

Actually, I got an idea, so it won’t appear on the back of your head. I got an idea.

Emily

Put it on the front of your head.

Kyle

No, I’ve got an idea. I’ve got an idea.

Tom

Sure, describe it.

[Angelic, choral music begins.]

Kyle

Okay, so you take this thing and you pick it up and you set it on your head, and it’s trying to find the nexus of intellectual energy. You see it kind of creep over, it’s moving like a slug a little bit on the side of your head.

Hallie

Aww, gross.

Kyle

But it also feels, every time it moves up and down, it’s like a band-aid that’s like ripping and re-peeling itself. It’s very uncomfortable.

Tom

[Uneasily] Ahh…

Kyle

And it opens the hatch where your spellbook is, and it starts to weave itself inside of there and finds a really cozy spot and starts weaving itself through all the circuitboards and all the technological components of that. And now that board, instead of looking like—instead of just looking like an empty spot that’s like the inside of a robot head, the fleshy parts of this are like, intertwined with the mechanical parts of that component. So now your spellbook and your head aren’t really separated anymore.

Tom

Okay, I like that. I like that a lot. Thank you. So Xoc does it. For the power! The rush of mental energy!

Kyle

[Imitating Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars] Unlimited power!

Tom

[Also imitating] Unlimited Power! Alright.

Kyle

Alright. So you feel this—one would call it potentially unlimited power—seep through your brain, and through this unlimited power, you’re able to turn your head, and you actually from, uh, you get a pretty good vantage point from on top Tattertop’s hearse. And right in front of you you can see Soe and Elee have taken a spot. Elee looks really agitated. She’s just like behind Soe’s hair. I’m assuming she’s just like blocking it with her hands.

Emily

[Scoffing] Noo! She’s just like, if anybody gets a little too close, she’s probably going to like body slam them.

Kyle

Okay, so you can see a small gap has emerged between Elee and Soe and the rest of the crowd, because the rest of the crowd ain’t having that shit.

[Parade music begins.]

Kyle

And then you see in the distance, you see the parade walking through. It looks an awful lot like an earth parade. Like, there’s too many lights, there are five different bands, all of whom have songs in like tones that are competing with each other. You don’t see Tommy Funbuck yet, because presumably, like Santa, he’s at the end of the parade.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

But you do, for example, you do see Vespari, and he’s performing tricks. He’s got his plague doctor mask on. He’s performing tricks with his assistant, who is that lady with the blue fairy’s outfit skirt with the cut-open back and she had like those two blue wings that flap independently. You were never quite sure how that worked, but it was super cool. So he’s performing tricks with his assistant, who from this point on I’m just going to call the Blue Fairy. And he’s clapping his hands and throwing hematium, and she flies into the air. And everyone is going—they’re just fucking loving it. And then there are some other like things—you see the Roulettia Knitters Society—they’re knitting--no, not knitting, they’re crocheting, like the shapes of various weapons, and then the rip away the crochet and you just see the actual mace and bow and knives.

Tom

Xoc is just narrowing his eyes at Vespari, like ehhhhh.

Kyle

And you can see at one point the plague doctor mask turn to you. You’re vision, your extended INT vision just zooms in and you can see through the mask and just view, like, almost closes, so that it’s a thin bar, and you can just see his glaring eyes at you. Alright, and then right below you are Soe and Elee. And I’ve got a couple more things that I want to do, but like, you still haven’t told me what the fuck your game plan is. You’ve got a little bit of time to figure out what you’re going to do.

Emily

Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Tom

Xoc is going to lean over the hearse.

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, E-Elee? What are we going to do to meet Tommy Funbuck?

Emily (as Elee)

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again because I’m sure it will come up again, when you guys want me to make a plan; I don’t really do plans. I’m the person who punches things after someone else makes a plan. I’m the one who screws up the plans.

Tom (as Xoc)

Ugh, if only Hopper Scotch were here to help us make a plan.

[20:18]

Emily (as Elee)

But I guess, you know, I have all this information about Tommy Funbuck. We need to get his attention, right?

Tom (as Xoc)

Right. Loell said he’s a pretty awful person, and he likes other awful people.

Kyle (as Loell)

Yup, absolutely the worst!

Kyle

And you just see Loell sitting cross-legged in the back of the hearse.

Tom

Oh, right. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ari

Oh no, you summoned him.

Tom

Xoc is just going to turn around a little bit, nod a little bit, then lean down to say:

Tom (as Xoc)

So what terrible thing can we do to get his attention?

Tom

[Laughter] Incidentally, Hallie’s idea is just the best one.

Emily

What’s her idea?

Tom

Pretend to get hit by the float and then sue him for all he’s worth.

Kyle

Let’s be honest: Tommy Funbuck does not adhere to many laws. You bet his ass he knows about suing.

Tom

I’m wondering how to phrase this, because this doesn’t feel like a thing Xoc would suggest, but we do like, we pretend to get hit by the float and we’re like, Oh no! Oh no I’ve been hit! Only fine wining and dining in a luxury suite can cure this. Only that can save me. And the deep financial liabilities of my medical bills.

Kyle

I’ve got an idea. Loell’s just going to sit there and be like:

Kyle (as Loell)

I don’t know, you guys are kind of in a tough situation because like, if you ruin his show he’s just going to be upset, and he’s going to get you killed. He’s just going to kill you. But, you know, Tommy Funbuck does have a few laws he follows. Like, uhh, what are those called. Those lawsuits? You know the thing where like, you get someone upset, and then you wear a suit and it just takes out all your money, as payment? Yeah, no, he uses those all the time, and you could convince him to put one of those on. I mean, he’s going to do anything you want.

Tom

Xoc will like lean down again to Elee and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Elee, have you ever heard of a lawsuit? Loell says that’s our best plan.

Emily

Uh, have I heard of a lawsuit?

Kyle

You have—actually, no, roll. Roll to see if you’ve heard of a lawsuit.

Emily

Okay, and I, um, I am trained in identification recall.

Kyle

Okay, and this would have been something you’re recalling from your life, so that’s good.

Emily

Yeah. Badoop!

[Die rolls.]

15.

Kyle

Yeah, so you dated a lady once, uh, awhile ago. Like, a couple decades ago, right when they stopped using lawsuits and they started using law tuxes, thank you very much. And she talked about law tuxes so much that you ended up breaking it off. You didn’t even like tell her you were breaking up. You just left one day, and you took—you took her law tux, and you just wrote “suit” on it.

Emily

That feels accurate. Also, she dated a lady and then ran off once? She did that all the time.

Kyle

Okay, that happened all the time, but to that person. I’m going to put it this way, every identification recall Elee uses will be related to somebody she’s been with. She has a very thorough history.

Emily

[Laughter.] Anyway, um, okay, so I remember the lawsuit.

Emily (as Elee)

Yeah, you know, actually, I remember those. I--uh--I ruined one once. Uh, maybe twice? I’m not sure. Tell you what—I’ve got a decent amount of armor. I’m a pretty tough lady. I’m going to go in front of the float. There’s our plan. I made a plan.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Okay. Will the float be okay? When--when you hit it?

Emily (as Elee)

Oh. Oh that’s a good point. I’ll jump backwards when it hits me, just in case.

Kyle

As you’re making this plan, I’m assuming you’ve turned around to start talking to Xoc, right?

Emily

Yeah, but I still want to like, keep a sense of where Soe is.

Kyle

Okay, so as that happens, you see out of your peripheral vision a brightly colored propeller fly in, and you just hear Soe go:

Kyle (as Soe)

Eep! Oh! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Kyle

And you hear another familiar voice say:

Kyle (as Mauve)

Not a problem at all, darlin’. Everett let go of it way too soon. Everett, apologize.

Kyle (as Everett)

I’m not—I’m not sorry.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Everett…

Kyle (as Everett)

Okay, I’m sorry. Can I have my hat back?

[Quirky music begins.]

Kyle

And you turn over and you see Soe giving the propeller beanie back to Everett and Mauve. And Mauve turns over and says:

Kyle (as Mauve)

Oh hey! Elee Badge! You come to enjoy the show, too?

Emily (as Elee)

Hey Mauve! Uh, hey Everett.

Tom

Xoc will also wave hi from way up on the hearse.

Tom (as Xoc)

Hello, everyone!

Kyle

Mauve waves up to you, and Everett is just, he’s analyzing this beanie for every crease and crevice that could have gone onto it. And he’s apologizing like:

Kyle (as Everett)

Oh, I’m so sorry. No, I didn’t—I didn’t mean it.

Kyle

And he’s talking clearly to the propeller beanie and not to Soe.

Emily

I’m going to take a step closer to Everett.

Kyle

He’s not—he doesn’t notice.

Emily (as Elee)

Everett! [Snaps fingers.] I know you’re young, but I feel like this is something you can figure out, Everett. I feel like this is something you can do. Think about who you should be apologizing to. Is it the young girl who you almost, or did, I don’t know—if you hit her, I’m going to murder you, but um—should you apologize to her, or should you apologize to the hat? You have one chance to answer.

[25:12]

Kyle

He looks really confused at Mauve when you say “young girl,” and he’s like:

Kyle (as Everett)

Fine. I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, Ms. Mauve.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Everett, I think she was talking about the girl.

Emily (as Elee)

Soe.

Kyle (as Everett)

Who am I apologizing to? The girl or Soe? Who is Soe? Have we met her?

Emily (as Elee)

Never mind, I can’t deal with this right now.

Kyle

And Soe just raises her hand and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Hi, I’m—uh, it’s me. I’m Soe. I’m, uh, I’m Elee’s daughter.

Kyle

And at that, Mauve just turns over to you and goes:

Kyle (as Mauve)

[Insidiously] Reeeally…? How interestingggg. I have to confess, Soe, I haven’t heard about you before.

Emily (as Elee)

Neither had I, actually.

Kyle (as Soe)

I was a surprise.

Emily (as Elee)

You sure were, Soe. You sure were!

Tom

[Choking in the background]

Kyle (as Mauve)

Ohh, oh, well, surprises are—are good things. They help keep us on our toes, so.

Emily (as Elee)

Who knew it was the vocile men who get pregnant?

Kyle (as Mauve)

Who—who knew? Who would know—who would know that. Who would—who would keep so little track of things that they wouldn’t know about that.

Emily (as Elee)

Shut up, Mauve.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Well Soe, it is a pleasure to meet you. My name is Mauve Rodirarche, and this young, strapping gentleman here is Everett.

Kyle

And Everett, upon hearing “strapping young man,” adjusts his propeller beanie to look even more dark and brooding and cool.

Tom

In his multi-colored propeller beanie.

Kyle

Yes. And then that façade goes away immediately, as Soe and Everett both turn over simultaneously—and I’m going to have to do both of these at the same time:

Kyle (as Soe and Everett, simultaneously)

It’s Tommy Funbuck!

[Slick, bass-driven, version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” begins.]

Kyle

And sure enough, you see him: Tommy Funbuck, the man who wears a cobalt blue peacock suit, and a top hat as tall as his torso, standing atop a giant, marching float that is just...him? It’s just a giant mecha of Tommy Funbuck float. You can see him on top of him. And the lyrics to “Santa Clause Is Coming to Town” are playing, so you just hear: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you have cash to spend so buy stuff for goodness sake! Hey!”

Emily

Elee—

Tom

I want to point out for our viewers again that Hallie has once again lost it. At this explain--we’ve just turned this into explicit facism now.

Kyle

And around, a couple more things you see: Around him you see a bunch of people in like those giant Mickey Mouse mascot costumes, except it’s Manny Mantle and the Mannymates. So you see this Mantle with like this antenna out of his head. You see this giant aneen that just has a bunch of whips attached to itself. They’re shooting guns, but these are not like the guns shooters use, they’re like very deadly pistols. And so you see the crowd like scream in excitement and terror as they duck down and they grab these tiny little shirts for kids that say “Future Paycheck” on them. And the kids put them on, super excited.

Tom

Are they called the swagsketeers?

Kyle

Yes. The kids who are fans of him are called the swagsketeers, 100%.

Emily

So I want to put a hand on Soe’s shoulder, and also look at Mauve and Everett, and briefly cast a glance at Xoc, but like, I can’t look at all of them at once.

Emily (as Elee)

Don’t panic, I’m going to be fine. I’m gonna get hit by a float.

Kyle (as Soe)

What? N-no, that’s like, not fine. Um, that’s one of the many things that are not fine.

Emily (as Elee)

Okay, look, Soe, I’ve spent a lot of time getting to where that’s not going to hurt me.

Kyle

Mauve’s going to respond to that.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Well maybe you shouldn’t be worried about hurting yourself this time.

Emily

[Distressed noises] Hmmmmm…Mauveee! [Noises increase]

Tom

Oh snap!

Emily

It’s fine.

[Dramatic music booms in.]

Kyle

It’s 20 feet out, you have about 10 seconds to decide.

Emily

Ughhhh!

Hallie

Ohhh.

Emily

Oh my gosh! I, uhh, why? Why do you suck, kyle? Why do you suck so much?

Kyle

Seven seconds.

Emily

No! Stop! Now I’m anxious. Um, um, um, um, um.

Emily (as Elee)

Soe, I’m sorry. I told you I’m a bad mom. I’ll be fine. Stay here!

Emily

And Elee’s going to go do it.

Kyle

Elee bolts out to get hit by this thing, and you see one of the feet come down right where it could trip over her. And the foot makes its way down, hits the ground, and about half a second before it hits you, you hear a massive crash.

[Dramatic music intensifies.]

[30:00]

Kyle

Hello, and welcome to the announcement break for episode 25, Questionable Measures Part 7. I am Kyle, your GM, and I have limited-run merch to tell you about. But before I do that, I’ve got to mention that our intro and outro song are “Friends” and “Hitoshio,” both by Miracle of Sound. And now about that merch. Over the past couple of weeks, Emily has been hard at work making cute sticker versions of 18 of your favorite Quest Friends characters. She’s got Hop, Misha, Xoc, Elee, Vespari, Don, Aegon, Lorraine, Jesse, Soe, Everett, Shauna, all three Penny Brothers, Mako, Mauve, and everyone’s favorite asshole, Loell. I don’t know why I made that into a really bad song, but there we go. It’s like the Pokérap, but worse, because I can’t rap, and I also flubbed the lines while I said it.

Anyways, she’s taken all those characters and turned them into purchasable stickers. We’ve also converted those into a super cool kind of group photo style poster and t-shirt. This is limited-run merch that is available from now through Friday, October 19, so if you’ve ever wanted Quest Friends stuff, you should come in now, because it’s not really financially viable for us to keep selling merch, so this is probably going to be the only time we sell merch unless we grow really big, or next year comes. So if you’re interested, go to questfriendspodcast.com/shop. Again, that’s questfriendspodcast.com/shop. And take a look at what we’ve all got for ware. I want everybody from across the globe to be able to get it as easily as possible, so shipping is absolutely free. The price you see is the price that you pay.

In addition to checking out our shop, remember to Tweet or Tumblr out about us using the hashtag #QuestFriends, and you’ll be added to our namepool. From our namepool today, an upcoming character we’re just about to meet called Fuzz Fuzz is named off of Fuzzfuzz87 on Tumblr. So thanks so much for talk about us on social media, Fuzzfuzz87. It’s super great to kind of get an idea of what people think of the show. And now you’re part of the show! Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. We have another part of the Cookie Crew coming out next week on Monday, October 15, and then the next part of the core campaign will be out on Monday, October 22. I will see you then.

Kyle

[Singing the beats from “Girl From Impanema, which continues in background.”]

You hear this repetitive droning music just burrow itself into your head as you walk back into Tommy Funbuck’s Funhouse and Hotel, through that main casino area, past the giant water fountain of Tommy Funbuck that you saw when you first came in to this building, and into the main reception area of the hotel part of Tommy Funbuck’s Funhouse and Hotel.

[Music changes to something more piano-driven and jaunty.]

Kyle

It is an immeasurably wide open space. There are these giant diamond elevators that raise themselves high into the sky, and a room that is just, take your average hotel lobby, keep as much stuff as there is, and then just triple the surface area of the floor. So nothing’s bigger, they’re just further spaced apart in an attempt to seem fancy. And behind this immeasurably large desk, you just see a very dour—their eyes actually look like the top halves are just missing because they just like look so dead inside all the time that they never raise their eyebrows higher than that. And they have a nametag that says “Fuzz Fuzz,” and they are behind the desk.

Hallie

I’ll go up to the desk then and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Hi, uh, I’m picking up two room keys. They should be under—

Hallie

Did Lorraine say they were under my name or hers?

Kyle

They were under your name.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Hopper Scotch.

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

Alright Mr. Hopper Scotch, you have two rooms. You have room 157, and room 164. It looks like you have signed up for our ultra-mega-awesome-deluxe-super-plus package, which includes a hotel room, a hot tub, a personal massage, a personal mentor, a personal rival, a personal—

Kyle

And they list off probably two dozen more things. And they’re like:

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

Before you can get your keys, I must have you sign for all of these super-mega-awesome-deluxe—

Kyle

And they rattle off...whatever I said the first time.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

--Package items.

Kyle

And they lift up something the size of an encyclopedia and slam it down, and there are probably 50 Post-It notes inside of it.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And they just hand you a pen that writes absolutely terribly. Like you have to re-try probably three times every time you sign your name.

[35:05]

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

You just have to sign everywhere that is noted on these forms.

Hallie (as Hopper)

So everyone does this? Everyone signs these forms?

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

No, only the people who get the super-mega-deluxe-awesome-plus package—

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, okay. Okay—

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

Which includes—

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well you don’t—it’s okay. You don’t have to.

Kyle

No, they keep going.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You don’t have to.

Kyle

They go through the whole list.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Like they don’t even register—you could say no, you could do whatever you want, they’re going to keep on listing through it because they have to list through all of it.

Hallie

Defeated, Hopper will just sign wherever he’s supposed to sign. Well, it’s like an encyclopedia-length, right?

Kyle

Yeah, it’s very long.

Hallie

Because I was going to do a quick sketchiness check.

Kyle

Okay, give me a roll and see how quickly you can sketchy check an encyclopedia.

Hallie

Like I don’t want to sign away my soul here.

[Dice roll.]

Kyle

Because I don’t want to tell you, but remember you have two hours before the show starts.

Hallie

Well I’m not like reading it—a five.

Kyle

A five.

Hallie

[Sadly] A five.

Kyle

You have enough time to check everything, like to check right by where you sign the names a couple of times. All you can get from that is by doing this, you are signing up for care packages and like, notices for life.

Hallie

Great.

Kyle

Which are usually—they’ll be done through various means. Some are directly through the Datasphere.

Hallie

Great.

Kyle

Actually no, they have versions so like if you’re a nano they deliver them directly through the Datasphere.

Hallie

So I’m just signing up to receive endless spam.

Kyle

Endless spam.

Hallie

Alright.

Kyle

Cool. You sign all those documents and they say:

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

Thank you very much. I will file this information. Here are youy keys.

Kyle

And they hand you these two small models of the city of Qi, one of which reads 157, and the other of which reads 164.

Hallie

Ughhh. Yeah, Hopper just sighs and takes them.

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

Feel free to take the diamond elevator. Just know they have a 50% chance of crashing.

Kyle

And as they say that, one of the diamond elevators behind him crashes and splinters into a thousand pieces. And they just say:

Kyle (as Fuzz Fuzz)

If you will excuse me for a moment, I have something to attend to.

Kyle

And they just pick up a broom and walk over to the crashed elevator.

Hallie

Are there normal elevators?

Kyle

There are not, but there are stairs.

Hallie

Oh, god.

Kyle

But the stairs are like an escalator that go downwards. So it’s like walking up an escalator.

Hallie

Alright. I guess we’re taking the elevator.

Kyle

Alright. You get in the elevator. Uh, it’s my time to roll.

Hallie

No.

Emily

Oh no.

[Die rolls.]

Kyle

You get up to your floor, and you feel it start to shake a little bit.

Hallie

No.

Kyle

I’m going to need both of you to roll to jump out of it.

Ari

Oh, boy.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

A twelve.

[Dice roll.]

Ari

An eighteen.

Kyle

You both deftly jump out of it, and it crashes to the ground. You just hear Fuzz Fuzz kind of grumble to themselves.

[Jaunty, upbeat music begins.]

Kyle

So you’re on the first floor, which isn’t the actual first floor, but it’s like the first floor of the hotel. So it’s probably 50 feet up. You’re on a walkway that circles around the Tommy Funbuck statue. You’re probably at around his—I’d say probably at his shoulders. And then you can see the room numbers that are just in these bright, glowing neon lights. You’re pretty sure that if you touch the like door number, your hand would just singe off. And you see two rooms in the distance; you see 157 and 164.

Hallie

Okay. And there’s no indication of which room was like, mine, and which room was Lorraine’s?

Kyle

No, Lorraine said your room was 157.

Hallie

Oh, okay!

Kyle

She did not specify what the other room was.

Hallie

Because she just winked. I’ve been thinking of it as Lorraine’s room. Uh, Hop will turn to Misha and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Which one do you want to look at first?

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I think it might be best to look at your room first, and the unspecified room afterwards.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Alright.

Ari (as Misha)

Just in case you find something useful in your room.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, let’s do that.

Kyle

Okay. You walk into your room and it is...actually really shitty.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

For being as great of a room as it is, it just kind of looks like a college dorm room. You almost feel like Tommy Funbuck is a scam artist. But it just looks like a room. There is a bunkbed though. It’s very cute.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

It’s very unstable, but it’s very cute. There are two bunkbeds, and they’re all labeled with your names. So the bunkbed for—there’s Elee at the bottom—no, there’s Hop at the bottom of one, Elee at the top of the other, and then the other two bunkbeds have actually been set side by side, and the nametags of Xoc and Misha have been merged together. And you just see a little lipstick kiss in-between them. I mean, you don’t know what Lorraine’s lips look like, but you’re presuming that she probably put that there.

Ari

[Disbelievingly] What? What? What?

Kyle

And you see [Laughter] you see on the bed a jar of honey and a drawing of the moon.

Hallie

What? [Laughter.] [Realizes the pun] Nooo! So this is the honeymoon suite all along.

Kyle

But no, it’s relatively mild. You do see a couple of skatemarks. Like marks that could have been left by a pair of rollerblades.

Hallie

Right.

[39:57]

Kyle

And then you see just a note that says:

[Funky, bass-driven music begins.]

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Hopper, I’m really glad you decided to take this resting room. It’s going to be a great relaxation, and don’t worry, I did sign you up for wake-up service when the auction starts so that you can join in. Just be wary when you do answer their call, their screaming has been known to make ears bleed so badly they fly off the user’s face, so just keep it a few feet away from your head when you pick it up. Much love.

Kyle

And then you just see her name signed.

Ari (as Misha)

Um, uh, Simon Scotch, I do not understand. I know Lorraine mentioned that this room was for you, but I see that there, on the other beds, there’s Elee’s bed, and it seems to be a bed for Xoc, I suppose.

Ari

And they’re just going to kind of tilt their head a little bit at the mashed name there and the lipstick and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

I do not understand what this necessarily means. So, do you have any clue? Do you think this is a hint to something?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, I don’t think it’s a hint so much as Lorraine trying to be funny.

Ari (as Misha)

I do not understand the joke. But then again, I do not understand most human’s jokes.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, uh … Misha, how-how-how old would you say you are in, like, human years?

Ari

[Laughter] I guess Misha’s going to be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I do not know for sure, as I don’t recall me past a couple of months ago, but I honestly do not know. I know I am older than I look, but I do not know.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay.

Ari (as Misha)

Is this question relevant to the puzzle of the room?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Again, I don’t think there’s really a puzzle, it was just relevant to how much I was going to...explain.

Tom

[Gleeful laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

Is this a common thing for humans to do? To have beds—

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Awkwardly] Um, it--it--it’s—s-some of them. Some of them.

Ari (as Misha)

Like this?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Um.

Ari (as Misha)

I believe it’s just that she knows I do not sleep, so I do not have a bed. I don’t understand why it’s merged with this bed.

Hallie (as Hopper)

People who like each other a lot share beds sometimes. That’s all that it means.

All

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I do certainly like Xoc. But he’s my friend.

Kyle

Oh my god.

Hallie (as Hopper)

...Yeah.

All

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, by the way, Scotch Simon Scotch, speaking of Xoc, I do have a question that has been bothering me. I know that we’re in a really time situation, but I believe it should be better if I ask it to you now.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, what’s up?

Ari

Uh, hang on—I need to—I need to--

Hallie

I can acutely feel the panic Hopper was feeling at wondering how old you’re supposed to be when you get the birds and the bees talk, and this isn’t the best place for it.

Ari

So Misha’s going to say:

Ari (as Misha)

Well, you see, I believe there might be some sequels to the spider venom on Xoc. I don’t know if it is that, but there is something happening with Xoc, and I am very concerned about it.

Hallie (as Hopper)

What’s happening?

Ari (as Misha)

Well, you see, back when we were separated—well, when Xoc and I went to explore Roulettia—

[MIDI version of “Seasons of Love” from RENT begins.]

Ari (as Misha)

I thought I noticed something wrong on Xoc, so I approached him to see if there was anything wrong. And I did not see anything initially, but then I noticed that his facial features started to get really red, and I spoke to Q-Bo at the time, and he mentioned that that is something that humans call blushing. I didn’t really understand why that would happen. The temperature outside wasn’t too hot, so I looked into the Datasphere to look for this, and I found something, some ancient disease that seems to be called love seasons, and I don’t understand what it is exactly. It was an ancient poem, and I am just a little bit worried, and I’ve never been really this worried since he almost died a couple of days ago. I don’t understand, Simon Scotch, what—is this blushing common for this disease? Can you help me with this? We should help Xoc somehow, right?

Emily

[Quiet laughter throughout Ari’s explanation.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Um, I think Xoc’s going to be fine.

Hallie

Kyle, can I—

Ari (as Misha)

My search in the Datasphere seemed to imply that he had 525,480 minutes left!

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Kyle, because Hopper has a skill in history, should I roll to see if I know what that means?

Kyle

No, because that’s from the First World. Not the first world, ours could be the Second.

Hallie

No, I know.

Kyle

But that’s from our planet. There’s no fucking way you’ve learned about something from a billion years ago.

[45:00]

Hallie

Okay. Well that was my question. I just wanted to call it LEASE, and that was going to be my big joke. Like, that’s from a musical called LEASE. That pleased me. But I don’t have to do that. I wondered, mechanically, if Hopper would even know.

Ari

LEASE!

Kyle

Okay, no, no, there was a remix of the musical called LEASE released sometime in the Eighth World.

Hallie

“Released.”

Ari (laughing)

“Released.”

Hallie

It doesn’t have to be that, because it wasn’t a very good joke anyway. I just wondered.

Kyle

No. No, we’re keeping it. LEASE was a musical from the Eighth World.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari (as Misha)

I’m sorry, I’m usually more composed than this, but I’ve just been worried about this since I saw it.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh no, Misha. You know, it’s--it’s humans do weird things sometimes. Blushing is one of them. My guess is that Xoc was—sometimes when people get close to other people, you blush.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Ari

Misha is going to approach Hopper—

Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Ari

And be like:

Ari (as Misha)

But I don’t see you blushing.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Right, well, there is like a specific circumstance for it. Um, um—

Hallie

And he’ll look back at the bed that [Laughter] says “Xosha” and look back at Misha and be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha, do you know what crushes are?

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, yeah. I certainly do. It is when—

Emily

Oh no!

Ari (as Misha)

You put an object underneath another object until it, you know—

Ari

And they’re going to go real quiet when they say that.

Tom

[Pained moaning.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

No! Oh, no, no, no. It’s like a spe—

Ari (as Misha)

Do you not really like me, Simon Scotch? You’re not blushing?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no, I really like you, just not in the specific way that blushing happens. Misha, how do you feel about Xoc?

Ari (as Misha)

I do not know. I suppose I really like him.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You do. And I think sometimes you might share a deeper connection.

Ari (as Misha)

We certainly do share a deep connection with our mental link.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, it’s not that. You two just get along really well, and sometimes when people get along really well, it can turn into a different kind of relationship than friendship.

Ari (as Misha)

Does that relationship involve having merged beds?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, sometimes. For some people. You know, it’s just--it’s just, um, so what you found was “Seasons of Love?”

Ari (as Misha)

Yes. That was the name of the—

Ari

And Misha’s going to get really excited.

Ari (as Misha)

That was the name of the disease! I do not know what it has to do with me really liking Xoc. I mean, I do really like him, but!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, mm, okay. It--um--it, no, it—okay. I really bungled this one up. Um. It’s not a disease. Xoc is fine. I think he was a little flustered, and I think—he’s young, you know?

[Closing theme, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

I-I-I think, maybe, uh mm—

Hallie

Hopper doesn’t want to say, because he doesn’t want to like, out Xoc. Um.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I sense this was a mistake. This is getting to be uncomfortable, and I apologize for this, Scotch.

Hallie (as Hopper)

That’s okay.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

I-I-I’m just here to help. Alright, let’s move on to the other room.

[Closing theme intensifies.]

Emily

So, he likes everything terrible.

Kyle

Except for spiders, apparently. But that’s because spiders aren’t terrible. Spiders are great, and they’re very underappreciated. Appreciate spiders.

Emily

Xoc appreciates spiders.

Tom

Uh, get back to me on that.

Kyle

No, I don’t think he really likes them. I think they get under his skin.

Hallie and Emily

[Laughter.]

Ari

That’s what I wanted to say!

Tom

Woww. Wowwwww.

Emily

Kyle, I love you. I love you so much. Guys, we’re getting married now.

Related Episodes

40. Little Mon, Big City (Part 3)

39. Little Mon, Big City (Part 2)

38. Little Mon, Big City

Quest Friends!