Ep. 26: Questionable Measures, Part 8

Previously, on Quest Friends…

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle

Uhh, Jesse is like:

Kyle (as Jesse)

Oh, it’s super nice to meet you too, Mr. Hopper!

Kyle

And then they start jumping up and down. They’re like:

Kyle (as Jesse)

Oh, by the way, I’m going to have the pin if you ever need to reach out to me!

Ari (as Misha)

Scotch, Simon Scotch. Speaking of Xoc, I do have a question that has been bothering me. Some ancient disease that seems to be called Love Seasons, and I don’t—

Hallie (as Hopper)

Humans do weird things sometimes. Xoc is fine. I think he was a little flustered, and I think—

Hallie (as Hopper)

You know Elee, if you want to take Soe to the parade, you could meet Tommy Funbuck.

Emily (as Elee)

That’s probably pretty safe, right?

Tom (as Xoc)

Elee, have you ever heard of a lawsuit?

Emily (as Elee)

I’m a pretty tough lady. I’m gonna go in front of the float. There’s our plan. I made a plan.

Kyle

Elee bolts out to get hit by this thing, and you see one of the feet come down and about half a second before it hits you, you hear a massive crash.

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Kyle

So make your way over to room 164, and you’re immediately pelted by a cold wind, because—this is under your name, so this is under your bill, and it looks like Lorraine, or somebody, has just blasted the AC in the second room to just knock that bill up as hard as they can. But it’s relatively—it’s a lot brighter. It’s a lot nicer. Like, there’s one bed. It’s very ornate, very fancy. It’s a small bed. It’s not like Misha and Xoc’s where it’s two combined together. It’s for one person. There’s a desk, pretty empty, not much on it. But when you enter the room, that little walkie-talkie that Mako had made out of your pin goes off, and you hear a voice say:

Kyle (as Jesse)

Oh, Hopper Scotch! I’ve heard you’re investigating?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, yeah! Hey Jesse.

Kyle (as Jesse)

Did you find anything about Lorraine?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, not ye—wait, how did you know Lorraine was here?

Kyle (as Jesse)

Well, I, you know, I’m just your second favorite fan, so I know these kinds of things.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Right. Did you know Lorraine sent us the coupons?

Kyle (as Jesse)

Oh, the coupons? I-I had an idea maybe it was something like that. You’re not investigating the other room or anything, are you?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, why do you ask?

Kyle (as Jesse)

Well, you know, because if you are—

[Jessie’s voice suddenly shifts and becomes…]

Kyle (as Lorraine)

You really should just tell me, darling.

[Lorraine’s funky, bass-driven theme begins.]

Tom

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Hallie

I can’t translate this face that I’m making, but Hopper’s face just goes like [Laughter] just, he’s so fucking mad. But it’s like, an apathetic mad.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Alright, so have you finished talking about your “seasons of love” and found anything yet?

Hallie

Question, really quick. Has my walkie-talkie been on the whole time? Because Hopper is alarmed that she knows that. I mean, surely surveillance cameras exist, but this is still weird and bad.

Kyle

I mean, you haven’t been checking whether or not it’s on, but the pin seemed like it was always on.

Ari

Mmm - ooh this is awkward.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know my darling little Hop Moth that if you ever need any assistance, if you ever have any questions at all or want to relay anything over to me, all you have to do is ask, and I will be happy to talk with you more.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Low, growling noise.] 

Hallie

He’s making that sound, in character.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Low, growling noise.] Why did you give me the key if there’s nothing in this room?

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Hop, you jump to such large conclusions. At this point I thought you’d learn not to. Anyways, I’m here if you need me. I do want to know though, did I do it well? Did I get that little, uh, that Jessica’s voice right?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Jesse. Their name is Jesse. And yes, you did.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Oh, well I’m glad to know. I’ll practice another one and get back to you soon.

Hallie (as Hopper)

 Yeah, don’t do that. Don’t do that.

Kyle

And you stop hearing things from the other end of the—

Hallie

Alright. I inspect the pin immediately for a button that makes it so that no one hears me all of the time.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Ten.

Kyle

Yeah, no, you don’t see anything there. After all, Mako—it’s only a communication between you and everyone that Mako and Mauve trust. Why would you ever need it off?

Hallie

[Indignantly] Well why does she have a pin then?

Kyle

Who says she has a pin?

Hallie

What? I don’t know. I just thought that it could only communicate with another pin.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Hopper. You’re not going to find anything there.

Hallie

Is she still talking to me through the thing?

Kyle

Um, yeah, I’m going to say that she’s still talking through.

Hallie

Oh my God, I’m so confused. Um, okay.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

I mean, it was relatively simple, darling. I knew about it the second you entered town. Just an artifact here, a cypher there, and there we go. A non-stop hotline to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Great. Yeah. [Groans in anger and frustration.]

Hallie

Hopper considers just taking it off and like, breaking it. But in case someone actually needs to get in touch with him, he doesn’t want to do that.

Kyle

You can remove the pin if you want. Like, the pin can be removed. Because there’s the walkie-talkie, there’s the connecting cube that connects any input to any output, and then there’s the pin. So you could finagle it so you could get the pin out, but that would be a roll.

[5:04]

Hallie

Alright. He’s not going to bother. He’s not going to respond to Lorraine. He’s just going to mutter

Hallie (as Hopper)

 [makes muttering noises] 

Hallie

Just to himself, and then open the door. The door isn’t open yet?

Kyle

No, you went inside the room. You’re inside the room.

Hallie

Okay, we’re inside.

Kyle

So yeah, you have a little bit of time to look around. This time you can investigate. The room is, unlike the other one, it’s alarmingly plain.

Ari

Um, and then I do want to help Hop investigate things. I want Misha to get a skill for my day, which is, I want them to get detective skills. I want them to look, like, how to be a detective.

[The familiar static and rush of information of the datasphere begins.]

Kyle

You’re kind of used to it at this point, but this rush of information enters your mind. Images, smells, sounds. The first thing you hear is you hear this phone ringing.

[A phone rings.]

And from the other end, someone picks up.

Voice

Hello?

Kyle

But you just hang up immediately afterwards.

[Phone hangs up.]

Ari and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You smell all these elements. All these elementary foundations of our reality. And then finally, of all this cacophony, something becomes clear—

[Accordion music begins.]

Kyle

And you see this old, unfinished book that is soaking wet, and it’s surrounded by the deep, agonizing creeks of metal underwater. And the book just says, “of enclosed spaces and crime.”

Ari

Okay. So after all of that, Misha is going to turn—they are going to stand like a little bit straighter, and they are going to look at Hop, and they’re going to tilt their head a little bit forwards and they’re just going to—they’re going to take out their kazoo and use it like—you know like they’re blowing smoke, occasionally just like, put it next to their mouth.

Hallie

It’s so good!

[Accordion music resumes.]

Ari

They’re blowing smoke.

Ari

I’m going to say:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, uh, Simon Scotch. I happen to now understand the art of the detective.

Ari

And then they are going to look around the room and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I believe we should split and look for clues, partner.

Ari

And I want to scan the room.

Hallie

Hopper looks genuinely pleased, and the impressed the way you do when your kid is like, I got a good grade on a test. So he’s just like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Alright, let’s do it, Misha

Kyle

Alright, give me rolls for investigation.

[Dice roll.]

Ari

Oh boy.

Hallie

Ten.

Ari

Sixteen!

Tom

Ohh!

Kyle

Sixteen, and you get a bonus for that. So let me figure out how I’m going to do this. So I’m going to give you a couple of things that you find, and then I’m going to ask you for information you’d like, and I’ll show you objects that kind of give you that information.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

So you see in one of the drawers, relatively easy to find, a pamphlet for the Tenth World Exhibit and Auction. And it has a map laid out of the entire space and you can see a couple of side-passages have been marked in red on it. You also see that the list of things to go on auction, which starts with a mystery item, which you presume is Q-BO, have a bunch of timestamps next to them. And you see that these numbers of each object are aligned to different things that are going to be on the exhibition hall. So you can presume that these are somehow relating the times of these auction items to things in the exhibit hall. And what you see for one, for the mystery item, you just see this very large stage for an item called the Argent.

Ari

And what are the other items? Like, do they seem like a normal kind of thing, or is there any that look—

Kyle

I mean, they’re weird-ass shit, but like there’s nothing that really sticks out as weirder than normal things, except maybe there’s locks of Tommy Funbuck’s hair, and that one seems to be on sale by an L. Stiles.

Ari

Gross. Whyy?

Kyle

But for the first item, you see a mystery item. And that’s on sale from JET.CO. And from what you’ve heard about Lorraine about Q-BO going on sale first, you presume that that’s Q-BO. So in summary, and this is Kyle from the future, because I kind of bungled my explanation of this in-game, the Tenth World Exhibit and Auction includes, appropriately enough, both an exhibit and an auction. So during the exhibit portion when all the cool things JET.CO has made are being shown off but not sold, on the appropriately named Argent stage, an item called “Argent” will be shown to the public. Or at least the public that is considered wealthy enough to be part of this celebration. Meanwhile, in a separate auction house that is just a room right next to the exhibit hall, things are actually going to get auctioned off and sold. And the first of those things is a mystery item that the party knows to be Q-BO. So the sheet that Misha and Hop found is drawing a correlation between Argent and either Q-BO or the time that Q-BO is getting put on sale.

[9:55]

Ari

Okay. Well, Misha’s going to relay this information to Hop and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, Simon Scotch, I have found a clue to this mystery.

Ari

And they’re going to point to that. 

Ari (as Misha)

If you please come here and observe.

Hallie

He’ll look at it and be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, I guess we know where Q-BO is being auctioned off.

Ari (as Misha)

We do, indeed.

Kyle

Before we continue, do you pocket this or do you set it back where it was?

Ari

I pocket it.

Kyle

Okay. So you pocket it, and now because you rolled a five and a sixteen.

Hallie

Ten.

Kyle

Because you rolled a ten and a sixteen, Hallie, you get to ask me two pieces of knowledge you want to get, and Ari, you can ask me four pieces of knowledge you want to get.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari

Also, I want to retcon and when I say that I pocket it, I want to say, Misha pockets it and says:

Ari (as Misha)

[Imitating Nancy Drew] I should hold on to this.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Uh, so can mine just be the correlation between the timestamps and the stages are?

Kyle

Yeah, it looks like there’s another piece of paper you see underneath that, which is signed in a very weird, specific handwriting.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

You can see in this noticeably bad handwriting, something stating along the lines of, the exhibit’s going to start getting taken down when the auction starts, and that’s going to be the order in which things are taken down. When the mystery item goes up to auction, the stuff on the Argent stage is going to get taken down.

Ari

I guess it could be that maybe the person that wants to steal Q-BO that isn’t us wants to use that as a distraction to swap Q-BO and like—I don’t know if there’s a way like if there’s something similar to Q-BO in that stage, if there’s a way to swap them out or something.

Hallie

I mean, can I just ask Lorraine what’s on the Argent stage? She said she was going to help me.

Kyle

She’s going to respond:

Kyle (as Lorraine, over walkie-talkie)

Oh, the Argent stage, that one, so exciting. After our encounter with the Dotwave—you’re familiar with that—we understood that the Dotwave was a wonderful way of adjusting time. You know, the way it let that town move in that timeless space? So the item on the Argent stage does some wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey nonsense.

Ari

Fuck you.

Tom

Go right to hell.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

I’m not sure exactly of the details, but they are showing it off today. It’s actually done in conjunction with time crisps. Could you believe that?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No. So you’re just not going to tell me what’s on the Argent stage?

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Well I can’t spoil the whole surprise.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no, of course. Of course you can’t. [Annoyed noises] Okay. Fine.

Hallie

He’s just going to hang up, and then—he’s gotten a little bit paler since the mention of this horrifying technology that is apparently on the Argent stage, and he’ll be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha, after this I think we should go look at the Argent stage.

Ari (as Misha)

After you.

Ari

Are we done with this?

Hallie

Oh, you still have four questions.

Kyle

Yeah, you have four clues you can find.

Ari

Oh, but I thought—okay, that’s true. I thought, it’s just that I’m not sure what necessarily to ask. I guess I can ask—I’m wasting a question, but how similar is Q-BO to V-Bo?

Kyle

They’re very similar, except V-Bo [kicks voice up a few notches to resemble a 1990s cartoon mascot] has a really annoying voice! They tried to make him cool and radical! He’s like 90s cool.

Ari

But like, physically they look the same.

Kyle

Physically they look the same, except V-Bo has this giant, flaming V. Fucking, who is the—

Hallie

Guy Fieri!

Kyle

Yeah, it has like a giant Guy Fieri flaming V emblazoned on it. You also learn that V-Bo is a very unsophisticated robot, to the degree that it doesn’t really have a personality. It’s more it than a he, whereas like Q-BO is a sentient creature.

Ari

Yeah, I figured.

[Accordion music begins again.]

Ari (as Misha)

I have a theory—

Ari

And then they’re going to put their hands on their chin like a very deducting detective.

Ari (as Misha)

I believe Q-BO and V-Bo might potentially be swapped or something during the auction. And I believe that whatever is on the Argent stage will help this happen, and whoever wants to steal Q-BO that isn’t us will use this stage to do so.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Huh.

Kyle

Do you want another—

Ari

I don’t. I don’t know what to ask.

Kyle

No, I can give you another one.

Hallie

Can I say my thing, and then maybe that will give Ari a jumping off point?

Kyle

Okay, because I have something I can give to her.

Hallie

Okay, well Hop’s going to jump in with that:

Hallie (as Hopper)

I think they have something on the Argent stage that can mess with time. And I think they’re going to try to take something from the Argent stage or do something at the same time.

Ari (as Misha)

Yes.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I think you’re right. I think you’re on the right track.

[Accordion music cuts abruptly.]

Hallie

I guess I wasn’t stating anything new. I was just really excited that I finally realized it was a times thing.

Ari

Oh yeah, no, it’s fine.

Hallie

Time travel!

Ari

I think I’m going to save my two other questions for when we actually know what it is.

Kyle

Cool. And then you see one last thing.

[Whimsical music begins.]

[15:00]

Kyle

Hi! Welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends Episode 26, Questionable Measures Part Eight. I am Kyle, your GM, and today our intro and outro music are “Friends” and “Hitoshio,” both by Miracle of Sound. We are officially halfway through the Questionable Measures arc, which means that we’re going to encounter a bit of a lull. You know, with eight episodes in our most recent arc and no real finale to point people towards, it’s going to be a bit harder for the casual listener to just pop in. And that’s where you come in for today’s call to action, which is just, I mean, talk about us. If you really like the show, leave a rating or a review on iTunes, talk about us to your friends, and also talk about the show on social media. Specifically, a reminder that if you use the hashtag #QuestFriends on Tumblr or on Twitter, you’ll be added to a name pool, which I’ll use to name some of the things in the universe. For example, Argent is named after one of our first real followers on twitter, Mark Rachel Argent. So if you want to have a random NPC, a location, or a MacGuffin named after you, be sure to tweet out using those hashtags. Or just, you know, tweet out anyway, because it’s nice; it makes me feel nice. Anyway, that is all I’ve got for you today. The next episode is going to be released in two weeks on Monday, November 19. I will see you then.

[Whimsical music resumes.]

Kyle

Misha, can you give me a quick perception roll, actually? Another one?

Ari

Yeah!

[Die rolls.]

Ari

A five.

Kyle

Yeah, you see a dude with a giant knife sticking out of his head fleeing for the window, like with his foot outside of the window.

Ari

What the fuck.

Kyle

And you can see that that pamphlet, that information that you pocketed, you can see it’s in his right hand.

Ari

What?

Hallie

Wait, wait, we just turned away, and suddenly this guy with a knife is running through and he just snatched the papers, in the room?

Kyle

Presumably he was—you were looking for clues.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Which is why I had Ari do another perception. He was just hiding in the room the whole time. He snuck in, stole the thing from Misha’s pocket, and now has, like, his leg caught out of the window.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

Just like frozen, staring at you as you turn around and you just see this man about to leave the window.

Hallie

Can we do something? Can we try to stop him?

Ari

Yeah!

Kyle

Yeah, you can run if you want.

Hallie

Uh, I want to make a flying leap to grab his jacket and like, yank him back in.

Ari

Yeah, I want to try and tackle him.

Kyle

Alright. Give me initiative rolls.

[Dramatic music begins as Tom laughs ominously. Die clatter to the table.]

Ari

Ew. Eight.

Hallie

Eighteen.

Kyle

Uh, Hallie, give me a speed attack roll.

Hallie

Okay.

Tom

Is this our first initiative in all of Roulettia?

Kyle

I think it is.

Ari

I think so.

Hallie

Oh my God.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Nine?

Ari

Nooo.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You go to grab him and just, like, you know when you take that leap to grab like a baseball and you slide? And you just slide across the room.

Hallie

Noo!

Kyle

You just flop on the ground, and he jumps out of the window and you can see there’s a little drain pipe, and he starts sliding down it into the parade below. And now I’m going to explain to you the chase rules, because this is a chase.

Hallie

Yes!

Emily

Ohhh.

Kyle

So that was to determine—the initiative was to determine which goes first, your team or his. So in a chase—

[The kind of music that plays during an intermission or interlude begins as Kyle explains the rules of the chase.]

Kyle

As the rules are defined, there are five degrees of separation. If it gets down to a one, that means you have completely caught up with him. If it gets to a five, he has completely gotten away. Right now it’s three. He’s in the middle.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Each turn, he is going to be able to take two actions to stop you. So he might like, knock over a barrel or something like that. And each turn, you can do two things to catch up with him. Like, you can throw something at him and stuff like that, right? Here’s the thing. If he drops a barrel, you can take a turn being like, I’m going to smash this barrel, right? But if you’re just stopping all the things he’s trying to do to stop you, if you’re like, knocking him out of the way, you can never do anything to catch up, right?

Hallie

Right.

Kyle

So you could also be like, I want to just take a speed defense roll to see if I can jump it.

Hallie

I’m super hyped.

Kyle

So he’s going to run down the drain pipes, and he, as he’s sliding down, is going to throw two knives, one at each of you. Actually no, it’s a boomerang knife.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So he’s going to throw it and try to catch both of you.

[20:04]

Ari

Oh man.

Kyle

So you can either do something to stop that as one of your two actions, or you can try to dodge it.

Ari

I want to see if I can hit it. Can I try and  hit it? Or I don’t know if that’s an action, like if I can hit it like a baseball kind of thing with my bat, like bah!

Kyle

Yeah, you can try to do a reversal with that. I’d say you can try to hit it and knock it back at them.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Give me a might roll for that. Are you going to put any effort in?

Ari

Uhhhhh, sure. I am putting one level of effort.

[Die rolls.]

Ari

Eleven.

Kyle

You go to hit it, and it just knocks it off in the distance. And then it start flying back towards both of you.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Ari

God, no. Well that was one thing.

Kyle

You can try to dodge it, or you can spend your other action trying to stop it.

Ari

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have another action, right?

Kyle

Yeah, both of you. So combined, you two have two actions.

Ari

Ohhh…

Kyle

Because I don’t want it to be like this guy has two and then you have four.

Hallie

I got you, okay, I’m glad you specified that. I was going to just try to do the same thing with my shield instead of the bat .

Kyle

Okay, you try to reverse it with your shield.

Hallie

This is my only idea, so if you have a better one you should say something.

Ari

I don’t know, like, my other idea was trying to catch it, so really.

Hallie

To catch a knife boomerang. 

Emily

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yes. Because I don’t think Misha would be that hurt by it.

Hallie

I guess you have robot hands. That’s true. Okay, I’m going to use my shield, that thing that’s been so successful every time I’ve tried to use it to do a thing.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Seventeen.

Ari

Ooh, yes.

Emily

Woah.

Tom

Woah.

Kyle

It reverberates off your shield. You might not be able to Captain America your shield around, but you can Captain America other objects around with your shield.

Hallie

Yes!

Kyle

It goes, and it flies, and it just nicks him in the ankle. And he falls into one of the bands, into a bass drum.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You just hear a [imitating bass drum] boom-boomboom-boom boom! As he like, stumbles into a band, into the parade, because you are facing Gamblestrip Navarene out of your window.

[Slick, bass-driven, version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” begins.]

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

So he is now in the parade, and he is going to spend his turn, he’s going to do two things. So you are now two degrees away from him. Because one thing I should mention: I assume you automatically run.

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

So like, what are you two trying to do? Are you going to like, go down the drainpipe? Or how are you going to get to him? I want you to explain how you get from window to ground.

Hallie

I would do the drainpipe, unless Misha is also going to the drainpipe.

Ari

I was going to go over to that—

Hallie

We were both going to the drainpipe. We’re just sliding down it, right? Can we just slide down it one at a time?

Kyle

Yeah, you can both slide down it one at a time.

Ari and Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

So you each slide down it, and you start running. And so he’s going to spend his turn doing two things. He’s going to like, knock into the drum major for the band and start like, double-timing the music—

[The music goes to double-time.]

Kyle

So that the band starts marching faster away from you.

Hallie

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Kyle

So the band is now moving faster. And he’s also—you can see that while he’s doing that, he’s trying to grab at one of this gloves with his tongue—not his tongue. Ew. He’s trying to grab at his glove with one of his teeth, and take it off.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

If you look about 50 feet in front of them, you see like a couple of small floats for the band, and about 50 feet in front of them, you see this giant Tommy Funbuck.

Hallie

So is it our turn now?

Kyle

Yeah. He is two degrees away from you. I’m actually going to say no, he took his action, he was two, but now he’s back to three, because instead of attacking you he just did something to make himself go faster.

Hallie

Right.

Ari

Are there other—like, because I mean, he’s directing the marching band, but are there other things in the parade? Like a car? Like a thing that we can like, hijack and like, [Laughter] make that go faster in a parade chase?

Kyle

There is...The Beetle of a Million. Painted. Faces.

Hallie

I hate it.

Kyle

And it’s just a massively filled clown car.

Ari

Well, how close is that to us?

Hallie

Go for it.

Kyle

It’s right next to you.

Hallie

Go for it, Misha.

Ari

Alright. I’m just going to just jump into this car.

Hallie

Just push anyone who’s in there!

Kyle

So you’re going to—are you going to open up the car?

Ari

Yup. And try to take whatever, whoever the conductor is fucking in there and drive it myself. I don’t know how to drive! This is going to be fun!

Kyle

Alright. You go to open it up, and a literal wave of clowns starts pouring out. And I’m going to need you to roll might to force yourself through this crowd to get to the seat.

Ari

That’s fine. You know, I’m pretty healthy right now, so I think I’m going to spend two levels of effort.

Hallie

Do it!

[Die rolls.]

Ari

Aww, shit. I rolled a 19.

Tom and Hallie

Ohhhh!

Kyle

You get a minor effect. So I’m going to describe to you what happens and then you can describe what little bonus this gives you. So you grab the guy and you just throw him out.

Ari

Oh my god! Uh, yeah, I do. Like I grab it and I say:

Ari (as Misha)

I do apologize for this, but we are in a mystery situation.

Ari

And just like, throw it at, like, far away from the parade.

Kyle

Okay, so you throw away—it’s actually a lady—you throw away this clown lady, and she seems to be like the nexus for this wave of clowns.

Ari

Oh my god.

[24:59]

Kyle

So as you get in, the rest of them fly out and just congeal in like a puddle around this person.

Ari

Can I throw the clown at the front of the parade?

Hallie

Do it!

Kyle

Yeah, I’m going to say that can be your minor effect.

Ari

Okay. I want to do that.

Kyle

Um, so you’re going to throw it, and it’s just going to wave over the band, and you’re going to hear so many—it’s all trombones somehow. Just a lot of [imitating trombone notes that indicate failure]. And I’m going to say it starts terrifying this guy, and your minor effect will be that he can only take one action next turn.

Ari

Okay.

Tom

Yeah!

Hallie

Yes!

Ari

That sounds good.

Kyle

You are also—you have made an action to get yourself closer to him, so he is now two degrees away from you.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Hallie, what is your turn?

Hallie

I am not in the clown car. Um.

Kyle

You are not in the clown car.

Hallie

But like, this is happening while I’m doing my thing, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

So I am also trying to book it to the front of the band. I’m going to—because it was successful once, I would like to try throwing my shield at his ankles to trip him up.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Hey. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle

Yeah?

Hallie

What does a two get me?

Tom

Oh no!

Kyle

A two gets you a very echoey tuba.

Hallie

I just want to throw this shield successfully. Agh!

Kyle

The shield throws, and it just serves as like a muffler for a tuba. So instead of going [imitating tuba sound] it’s just like [tuba note goes lower and flatter] and eventually it falls to the ground in front of you.

Emily

Do you have XP?

[Whimsical music begins.]

Hallie

I do have XP.

Kyle

Hallie has a million XP.

Hallie

I hoard it.

Kyle

What do you have to hoard it for? It’s like re-rolls and instant successes.

Hallie

I know. I’d like to use one to re-roll. I’m not going to horde it anymore. I have five XP now.

Kyle

Okay, I have not given away that much XP this—

Hallie

Four from February session, one from March session, one from GM intrusion.

Kyle

Hallie, you spent all of those things on money.

Hallie

No, I had more XP than that.

Tom

Has Hallie ever re-rolled with an XP before?

Kyle

She never fucking uses it, even though there’s nothing to hoard it for.

Hallie

No.

Tom

You put in anti-hoard mechanics and Hallie still hoarded everything.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, I don’t—okay, so Hallie.

Hallie

Yeah?

Kyle

How does this XP let you re-roll?

Hallie

Can we say that it like, even though it reverberates off the tuba, it just reverberates back to Hopper? And he like catches it in like the perfect re-throwing gesture so he’s like, I’m going to go for it again?

Kyle

Okay, give me another throw.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Sixteen.

Kyle

Alright. How do you trip this guy up and get him down to one so you can catch up to him?

Hallie

I aim at his ankles. So this shield just like, whips under him, like flying saucer style, and suddenly he is on his back.

Kyle

Okay. He falls on his back, and like kind of actually hits the knife that is now back in his head. He just knocks it and it like, kind of hurts him a little bit.

Hallie

[Sympathetically] Oh.

Kyle

And you have caught up to him.

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

But.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

He catches a glimpse at Misha’s very distracting shirt.

Ari

Goddamn it.

Kyle

And Misha, as a doomed character, gets a GM intrusion. Misha, who are you going to give your other point to?

Ari

Oh, I will give it to Hopper.

Hallie

Woo! I got my XP back! [Laughter.] 

Emily

I’m not giving Hallie any more XP ever! I gave you my last XP, too!

Tom

[Singing “Mad World”] All around me are familiar faces, worn out places…

Hallie

I get the GM intrusions pretty frequently, even though they’re not mine.

Ari

It just makes more sense to give it to Hop.

Kyle

Okay. So Hop gets XP. Misha doesn’t--

Tom

Oh nooo.

Kyle

Because Misha’s doomed. But as the man falls, as knife-head falls on his back—

[Dramatic music begins.]

Kyle

His glove that he’s been trying to take off slits against the knife, and it rips open. And you can see, on the back of his hand, a Jagged Dream clock tattoo. And he looks at Misha and he takes it and he starts turning it, rapidly. And Misha, you see the gas pedal in the car slam down, and the wheel takes control outside of your hand, and it drives itself—

Tom

[Distressed noises]

Ari

Noooo.

Kyle

Into the back of the Tommy Funbuck float.

Ari

Nooo!

Kyle

And there is a sickening crash, and now we’re back to, uh, now we’re back to everybody.

Hallie

Woo!

Kyle

Elee, you just hear this like clown like [imitates car horn playing “La Cucaracha,” then crashing into the back of the Tommy Funbuck float]. And you see this flaming—you uh, the car actually hits against the Tommy Funbuck thing, and I’m going to say kind of swerves back towards Hop. But you see this like, flaming clown car, and you just see the float stop dead in front of you. And Tommy Funbuck looks down at you Elee and is like:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Hey, what’s going on here? This isn’t swag!

Emily

Can I pretend to have been hit?

Kyle

Yeah, you can still pretend to be hit.

Emily

Yeah, okay. Um, let me just check something really quick.

Kyle

Also, anyone can go at any time now.

Hallie

Okay. I’m going for the guy. I’m, like, going to grab him by the shirt, and then I’m going to try to, like, put him against the back of the float and be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

What were you doing in that room?

Tom

Does Xoc see Hop and Misha?

Kyle

Give me a roll to see if you see them.

Hallie

Let’s get this trainwreck.

Tom

Alright. Because that will definitely change what I do.

[Die rolls.]

[30:00]

Hallie

This actual trainwreck.

Tom

Oh, seventeen!

Emily

Ohh!

Kyle

Yeah, you see them. You see Misha in this car that’s just veering around.

Ari

I feel like he will just see like a tiny car and like Misha’s legs sticking out because it’s too small for Misha.

Tom

Can I attempt to use my charm machine ability to try and re-hijack the car?

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

You may.

Tom

Okay.

Kyle

Because now that Hop has slammed this guy against the wall, he’s no longer controlling the machine.

[Die rolls.]

Tom

Oh. I do have XP. I do have XP.

Ari

Okay.

Tom

Let’s actually spend one here, because I care about this.

Kyle

Okay. How do you get more focus into it?

Tom

Um, so here’s how I want to flavor it. At first, Xoc just saw Hopper and the car careening around him and was like, “ah, I’ll save Hopper Scotch by like, keeping this car away.” But then—but then Xoc saw Misha in the driver’s seat and was like:

Tom (as Xoc)

No, Misha!

Tom

And will, with the psychic link, say:

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s okay, Misha Jarvis. I’m going to help get this thing under control.

[Die rolls.]

Tom

Oh, I and I got a 15!

Emily and Ari

Ohhh!

Kyle

The car gently glides to a stop. But it is still on fire.

Hallie

[Laughter.] You should get out of there.

Kyle

Alright, we’re going to go back to the front. So what do you want to do, Elee?

Emily

Um, so as it stopped, she’s going to try to have slid forward a little bit, and then thrown herself to the ground, shawls all a-flutter.

Emily (as Elee)  

Ugh! You hit me! How could—my ribs! I’m too old for this! It hurts … so badly!

Kyle

Give me a roll.

Emily

I’m also trained in deception!

[Die rolls.]

Emily

Nineteen!

Ari

Ooh!

Hallie

Yeah, boy!

Kyle

You just hear Tommy Funbuck up above be like:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Oh, shit.

Kyle

And like the top hat just leans over, like Tommy Funbuck just kind of bends down, and you see kind of lean and like, poke at you a little bit, and he’s like:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Oh, this can’t be that bad. I mean, does anyone know this little old lady?

Kyle

And at that point, Soe comes out and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

No! Mom! No!

Kyle

And you just hear him go again:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Shit!

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright, we’re going to go back to Hop.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Hop, you are interrogating this guy while this is going on, so what are you asking him? God, this is a mess.

Hallie (as Hopper)

What were you doing in that room?

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

I was-I was recovering—r-recovering an item for the boss.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, but who’s the boss?

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

I—I was recovering an item for, for, for Fancy Tom.

Hallie

Woah, alright. Uh, and the item is the thing he took from Misha’s pocket, presumably. Right? Is he holding that?

Kyle

Uh, yeah.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

Please—please let me go. I need—I need—I need to get back. I need to get back to me--to the roller coaster, please.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Why do you need to go to the roller coaster? No! No! give me that!

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

Okay!

Kyle

He just hands it over. He’s like—

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

Uh, c-c-could you give it—c-c-could you give it to them? Um, I would appreciate it, if someone gave it to them. Otherwise the boss is going to be very upset.

Hallie (as Hopper)

And the boss is Fancy Tom? Like that Fancy Tom? Tommy Funbuck?

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

W-w-well yes, Fancy Tom wears a hat just like that, sir.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay, why do you need to go to the roller coaster?

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

T-t-t-t-t-to give the item. To give the item. They’re going to be leaving very soon!

Hallie (as Hopper)

This item? But you can’t give it because I took it!

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

That’s why I asked you to take it!

Hallie

Oh, he did. Alright. Yeah, that’s fine.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay, I guess, um.

Kyle

We’re going to go back to Elee and he’s like:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Well come on, miss. It can’t be that bad. I mean, see?

Kyle

And he’s just like, the float picks you up by the scruff and tries to set you on your feet. And he’s like:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

You’re fine! You’re fine! Everything is fine!

Emily (as Elee)

[Distressed] Ugh! Oh! My ribs! No!

Emily

And I’m going to fall back to the ground clutching my chest and say:

Emily (as Elee)

At least a few of them must be broken. Do you know how expensive it is for medical care for the elderly? I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sue. That’s the only way I’m going to get this fixed.

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Now, now. We can, uh—

Kyle

The float, uh, there’s a little elevator that comes out, and he slides down and walks over to you. And as he does, he makes—he goes into like this little wrist watch that he has, communicator, and says:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Note to self: refund the medical industry.

Kyle

And he walks over to you and says:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Now ma’am, I-I-I—

Kyle

God, his voice is gone, sorry.

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Swag! I—I really, I apologize, but there’s no need to—s-s-s-sue. Uh, why don’t I, uh, why don’t I take you as my personal guest to my swag palace?

Emily (as Elee)

I suppose we can talk over details there. I’ve heard you’re in charge of the place. Maybe you could help me out with some of my medical bills or something. This is just—it’s really difficult to be an older woman in the healthcare system today.

Hallie

[Laughter]

Kyle

Elee, you’re going to get a GM intrusion.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

And you’re going to—who do you want to give your other point to?

Emily

Not Hop!

Hallie

Ooh!

Emily

I keep giving you all my XP for all my GM intrusions when I get screwed over!

Hallie

Everyone should give me their XP for their GM intrusions.

[35:07]

Emily

I’m going to give it to Misha, because what I actually want to do is give it to Ari.

Ari

Excellent. I want to know that I’m also kind of an XP hoarder, because I also haven’t used it for anything.

Emily

Tom! Guess what!

Tom

How much do you have?

Ari

Eight.

Emily

Eight!?

Hallie

See, she’s got more than I do!

Emily

How do you have eight?

Tom

What?

Emily

What?! Whaaat?! I’m so upset.

Kyle

So Elee, you feel a very thin hair tracing across your body, and you can see that Soe, in panic, has released one of her strands of hair and is using it, and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh no! Oh no! I can’t find an injury! I can’t find any injury!

Hallie

Oh!

Tom

Ohhh.

Kyle

And Tommy Funbuck says:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Could you say that again, young hair-girl?

Kyle (as Soe)

I can’t--I can’t find any injury! I’m so sorry, mom! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!

Ari

[Gasping] Oh no.

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

You can’t find an injury? That’s interesting.

[Dramatic piano music begins.]

Emily (as Elee)

Ain’t it a funny thing, Tommy?

Tom

Can Xoc like, leap down from the hearse and run into the middle of this?

Kyle

Alright. So you’re running into the middle of this. I’m going to go to Misha quick. Misha, you’re getting out of the car. You see Hop interrogating and you see Xoc running. What are you going to do?

Ari

Well, first I want to say that—I just want to say that it probably took a really long time for Misha to be able to get out of that car, because it’s a small clown car and they are a big android, so it just was a little bit complicated. Once they managed to do that—what would I want to do? This is like a Telltale choice game. Uh, oh, I feel like the two images are there. I think I am going to go—well, I’m just going to go with Hop, actually, because we were chasing this one guy, so I want to know what was happening. But mentally I want to thank Xoc and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Thank you for saving me, Xoc. I do not know how to drive, so this was quite helpful. If you need any help, let me know. I will go with Scotch Simon now.

Ari

And they are going to go and catch up with Hop and see what the deal is with him and the dude that we just caught.

Tom (as Xoc)

Will do—I’ll see you later, Misha.

Tom

So Xoc runs out and he says:

[Bumbling brass-driven music begins.]

Tom (as Xoc)

And this just the first of many things that our new and improved security personal armor system can provide. Behold, the Elee Badge!

[Music shifts into a faster, piano-driven tune.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Impervious to damage and insurance scams.

Kyle

Give me a roll for persuasion.

Tom

I assume I take inability on this, correct?

Kyle

No, no, I like that. I think that’s really good.

Tom

Alright. So this isn’t a pleasant social interaction?

Kyle

Oh, right, it is. Yeah.

Ari

Shit.

Kyle

You do take—it is a step harder for you.

Emily

I had this! I had this!

[Die rolls.]

Tom

Well, we’ll all go down together. H-ho-how [floundering] does an 11 do?

Kyle

He looks at you and he looks down.

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Oh, really? That’s a really good pitch there.

Tom (as Xoc)

We have no shame, and we’ll always advertise at the worst possible time!

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

A very good tool in the hands of the right entrepreneur. And you should know of course, every time you showcase an object, we’ve got to test it out.

[Dramatic music begins. Kyle snaps his fingers.]

Kyle

And he snaps and you see Manny’s, uh, what are they called? The Manny’s Mates? Was that what they were called?

Tom

I’m trying to help.

Kyle

You see the Manny Mates, about a dozen of them, turn over and start walking in.

Ari

Holy fuck.

Kyle

It’s at this point that you hear a voice say:

Kyle (as unknown voice)

Now come on, Tommy, you know that’s a bad idea.

Kyle

And you see Mauve walk out with her rapier, and you see Everett wielding his uchikatana, and he’s like:

Tom

[Gasping]

Kyle (as Everett)

Yeah! Yeah, that’s a bad idea!

Kyle

And Tommy Funbuck turns over and he says:

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Wow! Some fresh fish, and Mauve Rodirarche.

Hallie

Oh my God.

Kyle

And Everett says:

Kyle (as Everett)

Oh, and, and Everett, too!

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Well this day just gets more swagalicious by the second.

Kyle

And with that, the soldiers start marching closer and closer inwards, and there is not a way to fight your way out of this, it does not look like. And Hop and Misha, you see this, and the man with the knife in his head just looks at you and he’s like:

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

C’mon, please, please, I need you to do this. I need you to do this for me. They’re going to leave right away.

Hallie

Oh no. Um. I’m going to look at Misha

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well we can’t leave them.

Ari (as Misha)

But we can’t also just let whatever the boss of this person is, go. It might be the key to the mystery!

Tom

Can Xoc interject via the mental link, and say to Misha:

Tom (as Xoc)

We’ll be fine, you two stay safe and keep trying to save Q-BO. We’ll meet up with you later.

Ari (as Misha)

But Xoc! Last time you told me you would be fine, you almost went to die.

[Somber music begins.]

[40:00]

Tom (as Xoc, telepathically to Misha)

Well, this time I’ve got Elee and Mauve and Everett and Soe with me. We’ll keep each other safe.

Ari

Misha’s going to look at Hop and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Simon, Xoc is telling me to—telling us to leave them, and that they will be fine. But what--what do you think?

Hallie  

He’s going to look back and like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, they’ve got Mauve. We’ve been fine without Mauve, but I’m assuming that having Mauve is better than not having Mauve.

Ari

Misha is going to reach to Xoc and say:

Ari (as Misha)

If things go wrong, or start to get wrong, yell at me as soon as you can.

Kyle

Do you say anything?

Tom

I just--

Tom (as Xoc)  

I will!

Tom

...Xoc lies.

Ari

Ohh… [sustained]

Hallie

What!? No! Noooo! No! No! No! No! No!

[Closing theme, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle

And with that assurance, you walk off in the direction of Manny’s Prosthetic Intestines, taking one last look back as the entirety of Roulettia’s eyes are turned towards the most important people to you in all the Ninth World. And you just hope to yourself that they’re right.

[Closing theme intensifies.]

Kyle

Remember, this is a mystery made by me. And mysteries made by me are held up on one fundamental thing: Toothpicks.

Hallie

Are they even toothpicks though?

Kyle

More like broken promises and lies.

All

[Laughter.]