Ep. 27: Questionable Measures, Part 9

Kyle

Hey, it’s Kyle, your GM. Just here for a couple of content warnings. Because things get a bit hairy in today’s episode, and even though there isn’t any actual gore, there is a little bit of implied gore, and I thought that might be worth mentioning. There’s also going to be a couple of sections that are going to be pretty difficult on folks who have really sensitive hearing, and so if that’s the case and you get to one of those points and you realize it’s just too much to handle, remember that we have episode summaries on questfriendspodcast.com. Other than that, I hope you really enjoy the episode, which we’re going to play … now.

Previously, on Quest Friends…

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle (as turnstile attendant)

Well in that case, you’re going to want one of our EZ-Life brands. It doesn’t cheat death. You know, if you die by old age, you can’t come back, and if you use it too many times you’re just going to be too tired out to keep using it.

Hallie

I’m going for the guy. I’m, like, going to, like, grab him by the shirt.

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

Um, I would appreciate that, otherwise the boss is going to be very upset.

Hallie (as Hopper)

And the boss is Fancy Tom? Like, that Fancy Tom? Tommy Funbuck?

Kyle (as Tommy Funbuck)

Hey, it’s me, Tommy Funbuck! Hope you have fun in my casino. Check out the hotel. And win some cash, cash, cash.

Kyle (as Jagged Dream member)

W-w-well yes, Fancy Tom wears a hat just like that, sir.

Kyle

Although the seafarer does take a grimy top hat from the pile and loudly proclaims:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Look at me, I’m Fancy Tom!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay. Why do you need to go to the rollercoaster?

Emily

Elee’s just taking a moment to watch the rollercoaster, thinking about as a normal human how likely Hop would be to survive because she can probably muscle him into it if she really wanted.

Kyle

Actually no, Hallie roll me a D20.

Emily

[Laughter.]

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

A two.

[Theme intensifies.]

Kyle

Alright, so you’re walking. You’re making your way, you’re dragging this guy.

Hallie

And as we started out, Imma be like, this better be good. Like, this better be good.

Kyle

Yeah, you’re dragging this, and you have some time if you want to look at any of the other documents you picked up.

Ari

Yes. I want to see if Tommy Funbuck is part of the Jagged Dream, because that thug that said that Tommy Funbuck was his boss had a Jagged Dream tattoo, so I want to see if they’re two separate things or if Tommy Funbuck is actually part of the Jagged Dream and we have reduced our suspect list.

[Mysterious, ominous music begins.]

Kyle

You take a look at it, and you see another dossier on Tommy Funbuck. Except this one includes like, toenail clippings and a waft of armpit.

Ari

[Very Quietly] Okay...

Tom

Why are you the way that you are, Kyle?

Kyle

I don’t know. It includes another very creepy dossier, but it looks like the Jagged Dream is investigating Tommy Funbuck.

Ari

Ohh.

Kyle

So all signs point to no.

Ari

Ohh.

Hallie

Okay.

Ari

So now—this is not my question, but I am wondering now if this one dude is, I don’t know, if he’s actually just spying on Tommy Funbuck and he’s not actually, yeah.

Kyle

Alright. So, you make your way to the rollercoaster. And, give me a roll to see if you make it through all the traps.

Hallie

Oh god. 

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Because as we mentioned earlier, a few episodes ago, there are a bunch of like darts and traps and death traps on your way there.

Hallie

Yeah.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Hop rolled a seven, which is exactly what he rolled the other time.

[Die rolls.]

Ari

Ooh, what? I am not making this up, I rolled another 19.

Tom and Hallie

Ooh!

Kyle

So Hop, you’re going to take a number of points equal to how many less than 10 you rolled. So you’re going to have to take three might damage. As you just like, a couple of darts just stick themselves in your neck.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

And they have like a little bit of poison.

Hallie

He’s still like dragging the other guy, like he doesn’t want to let him go, so he’s just like, with one hand doing this while trying not to loosen his grip.

Kyle

Okay, and the other guy is fine.

Hallie

G-great. Good for him!

Kyle

And so you make your way, and from a distance you start hearing this ranting voice.

[Ominous music begins] 

Kyle (as ranting voice)

Where is the other one there? Where is Osh? How is he not back yet? This is ridiculous.

Hallie

I’m going to turn to knife guy.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Is that you? Is that you they’re expecting?

Kyle (as Osh)

Yup, that’s me!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Alright.

Kyle (as ranting voice)

I need those documents! I shouldn’t have left them there in the first place! And all I got out of this was this lousy blueprint! Dah!

Hallie

So we’re approaching them now, right?

Kyle

Yeah. You can turn. You can’t quite see them yet. Are you going to walk up the steps to confront them, or are you going to wait to the side a little bit?

Hallie

I guess waiting to the side is the more prudent plan.

Kyle

Okay. So he’s just going to keep talking a little bit. He’s going to say a lot of mean things about Osh, who is the knife-head guy that you’re hanging out with.

Kyle (as ranting voice)

I’m just so frustrated that I went to the trouble of finding Hop Scotch’s room and he has nothing for me besides this bloody blueprint and this horrible packet, and I have absolutely no idea what I’m expected to do!

Kyle

And he’s just going to rant a little bit. And you see the guy that you’re holding, he’s like:

Kyle (as Osh)

B-b-b-b-b-b... [Stammering]

Kyle

And he’s trying to get out the word “Boss.”

Hallie

Okay, so are they coming around a corner?

Kyle

Uh no, he’s, so you know that little waiting area before a rollercoaster? That little platform?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

They’re inside that platform. You’re kind of like, right outside the steps.

[4:57]

Hallie

Okay. Are they exiting at all? Are they moving towards us? Or are they just hanging out and we’re just listening?

Kyle

They’re just hanging out there. It seems like everyone went to the parade, so it’s pretty dead.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

So they’re like, oh, this is a great place to hang out, especially because there are so many labyrinths and ways to go around.

Hallie

Okay. Then I’m just going to take the direct approach, I guess. I’m going to look at Misha and try to do a “you ready?” expression.

Ari

Misha is going to nod and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Let’s do this, partner!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Let’s do it!

Hallie

And then he’s going to drag Osh up with him.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Osh doesn’t have the stuff you want! I have the stuff you want! I’m going to keep it, and I also want the things that you took back!

[Upbeat, action-heavy rock music begins.]

Kyle

So you see two mooks.

Hallie

Two mooks. Tooks.

Kyle

On each side of this man in really fancy dressing, who is dressed a lot fancier he should be in this really ratty top hat. And he turns around and he has a bag of time crisps, and he starts munching them.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

And as he does, you see this top hat start to adjust on his face, which has a single eye patch. So it seems like every time he eats the crisps he’s just adjusting his hat.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

This asshole.

Kyle

And he says:

Kyle (as ranting voice)

Well, well, well! Look who we have here again! Time for round two?

Kyle

And you don’t see Tommy Funbuck, but you see the man you fought in Charmonde, known only as Fancy Tom.

Ari

Fancy Tom?

Hallie

He’s the man Misha like, hit in the face with a rock!

Kyle

Hit in the eye with a rock! And he has covered that eye with an eye patch.

Hallie

And now he has an eye patch! I love it!

Ari

Consequences! Oh my God!

Hallie

What a petty villain!

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Come here to take my other eye?

Kyle

Uh, and one of the guys is like:

Kyle (as one of the mooks)

Boss, we told you, it’s perfectly fine. It’s just a little bit red.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No it’s not, Daryl! Well, well, well: looks like I have what you want. And you also have what I want, so we’re basically even.

Hallie

Hopper will cross his arms and be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

It appears we’re at an impasse.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Well, I suppose there’s four of us and two of you. So, I mean, just give it to us and we should be good.

Hallie (as Hopper)

We were outnumbered on the boat, too.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No, no, there were three of us and four of you. No, five of you! There were three of us and five of you! So it’s like the same situation, but reversed? So no, we have the numbers now! So I would very much like my papers, please.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I remembered that wrong, but it doesn’t matter. We’re not afraid of you, and I want the stuff.

Kyle

And one of the people is going to turn over to Fancy Tom:

Kyle (as Daryl)

Wait, can we pause for a moment? Hi. I’m Daryl. Why--isn’t he our boss? Why are we fighting with him?

Kyle

And Fancy Tom turns over and says:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No, you don’t understand. That’s very--that’s not what I meant by Hop Scotch, okay?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no: Keep talking, Daryl. I’m your boss?

Kyle

And Daryl just looks between you and between Fancy Tom who’s giving him angry eyes.

Kyle (as Daryl)

Well that document, like, you looked at it and you immediately said “Hop Scotch.” So isn’t that--isn’t that the boss?

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

I told you again, Daryl. No, the boss, that’s a different person, it’s a different thing, Daryl. Can we have this conversation once we’ve gathered the documents?

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t know, Fancy Tom. It kind of sounds like Daryl’s right, and I’m your boss.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You are not, that is not the case!

Kyle

And I want you to roll persuasion.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

A three!

All

[Laughter.]

Ari

You have XP.

Tom

If only there was a resource that you had copious amounts of.

Hallie

I’d like to use my copious amounts of XP to re-roll.

Kyle

Fun fact to remember: Do I need to send you a list? Because you can do extreme things with more than one XP.

Hallie

I know. No, I have the Google Doc. I just forget to open it.

Kyle

Like, two is an insta-success.

Hallie

I’d like to use two for an insta-success.

Kyle

Okay, so how are you going to convince Daryl?

Hallie

At great personal cost, Hopper will be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m pretty close with the woman who runs this town.

[Rolls die.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

You could say we’re friends!

Kyle (as Daryl)

Oh, we’re working for Lorraine Stiles, too? Woah, everything’s changing.

Kyle

And Fancy Tom just has his head in his hands.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Alright, well, Julia, you at least side with me there.

Kyle

And you see the other mook on his right, a woman, she’s just shrugging her shoulders.

Kyle (as Julia)

Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on at this point.

Kyle

And Daryl turns over and says:

Kyle (as Daryl)

Oh, well, I’m pretty sure that guy is our actual boss.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Look, I’m just saying that if I’m your boss, which I am, you should report everything that you know to me. Such as, why you have those blueprints and the packet that has my name on it.

Kyle (as Daryl)

Uh, well, why do we have that, second boss?

Kyle

Fancy Tom’s like:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

I’m not going to explain it to you rubes! We just need that file from Hop! Alright? Just go over and take it.

Hallie

Hopper sticks it in his pocket.

Kyle (as Daryl)

Well, it’s--it’s in his pocket now.

Kyle (as Julia)

Yeah, I mean, it’s in his pocket, we can’t take it from there.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Exasperatedly] Just take the damn documents!

Ari

I want to try and threaten him, then. So can Misha in the background have grabbed a rock and be like:

[10:05]

Ari (as Misha)

Excuse me, look, Fancy Tom, I am not prone to harming you humans, but you have seen what happens when I hold small objects like this. So if you do not provide the information that we need, it might be the case that this rock might slip and hit your other eye.

All

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Um, roll me an intimidation.

Ari

This is going to go super poorly.

[Dice roll.]

Ari

Seven.

Kyle

Alright. He’s going to start walking backwards.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Fearfully] W-what, hey-hey-hey, hey! What’s the big idea here? Alright? I’m—we--we--we can all be friends. We can talk about things. Uh, you don’t need to throw that rock at me.

[Frantic, carnival-esque music begins.]

Kyle

And he starts backpedaling, closer and closer to the rollercoaster tracks.

Ari

Oh, no!

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

You know what, no, we shouldn’t talk about this. In fact, maybe I should just go.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

And as he says that, he falls back into one of the rollercoaster carts that flies by, and his cart is just off, on the tracks.

[Dice roll.]

Hallie

Alright, we’re riding the rollercoaster.

Ari

Fourteen.

Hallie

Eleven.

Kyle

Okay, so his cart is going off. Ari, you are first in the order. What do you want to do?

Ari

Ohh, well, can I just try and get into the—so he grabbed himself to a cart, and then can I use it so that like, I jumped into that same cart with him?

Kyle

Yeah, I’m going to say you can jump into it, because you’re right next to him. So you jump into the cart right next to him and then what do you do?

Ari

Yeah, Misha’s going to say:

Ari (as Misha)

It seems you cannot escape us, so it is better that you just give us the information that we want to know.

Kyle

Okay, give me a roll for that intimidation. You’re giving a second shot.

[Dice roll.]

Ari

Uh, nineteen. I swear to God.

Kyle

What’s the minor effect you want to happen? I’m going to say you’re intimidating him so that his next turn he doesn’t do anything, so what do you want your minor effect to be?

Ari

I don’t know, can it just be that like since I was talking intimidating, can it be that he’s actually afraid of the tiny rock that Misha is holding?

Kyle

Yeah. He’s going to be like:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Stammering in fear.]

Kyle

And he’s going to walk back a little bit, and he’s going to hit his head on the front of the rollercoaster, and he’s going to take two points of might damage.

Ari

Excellent.

Kyle

Okay, Hop. It is you, what are you going to do?

Hallie

Right. Well, I want to run to it, I would like to try to parkour my way up this rollercoaster into that car.

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll for that.

Hallie

I am now skilled in parkour by the way.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

Seventeen.

Ari

Damn!

Kyle

Alright, how do you get yourself into this rollercoaster, as the last cart is barely leaving as soon as you get on to it.

Hallie

Oh god, I don’t even know. Alright. So I would like to grab onto the cart as it’s leaving, and then use that momentum to swing myself forward on to the front of the cart. And then is there an ascent right away?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

On the ascent, I am going to jump to the back of that car and then do, like, a backflip in, because I can.

Kyle

Alright, and then what is your action? Because that’s just your movement.

Hallie

That’s just my movement! Um, I want to just try to grab fancy Tom by the scruff, but hold him backwards. Not like, off the roller coaster, but like, we’re going up, so that we’re not facing the direction that’s up. He would be facing the direction that’s up.

Kyle

Okay. Give me a roll.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

Another seventeen.

Ari

Hmm.

Kyle

Alright. You go and lift him there, and he looks like he is going to talk on his turn. And a whole bunch of things happen.

Hallie

Oh no.

Kyle

Because you’re on this rollercoaster. You’re going up, and you’ve almost hit the peak. And you’re feeling great. And then you remember, you feel something that Elee knew a few episodes ago, which is that you could last maybe two minutes on this rollercoaster.

Hallie

[Laughter] Oh, that’s right.

Kyle

And we’re about—I’m not going to say every round is seven seconds, so I’m going to say we’re 15 seconds—no, I’m going to say we’re 30 seconds into those two minutes.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

So while Tommy has a turn, before his turn starts, it’s the rollercoaster’s turn.

Hallie

[Laughter] No!

Ari

Oh, god.

Kyle

And I need you, Hop, to roll strength to make sure you don’t let go of Fancy Tom.

Emily

No!

Kyle

As you start careening down the incline.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

Twelve.

Kyle

You … let go.

Hallie

No!

Ari

Fuck.

Kyle

And he flies back into the last car of the rollercoaster, and is dangling on.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

And you hear him just go, faintly:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Distantly] What’s the big idea!

Hallie

God, you’re the worst.

Kyle

And then Misha, I have a GM intrusion for you.

Ari

Oh, God why?

Kyle

Who do you give your other experience point to?

Ari

Um, I’m going to give it to Elee because she didn’t lie, Xoc.

All

[Laughter.]

Tom

Okay, I deserve that.

Kyle

So, as you go down, you hear behind you two voices go:

[Cowabunga surf music begins.]

Kyle (as two voices)

Wooaaaaah!

Kyle

And you see, in the cart behind you, two young individuals wearing all-purpose leather coveralls, come like, with their arms up, and they’re super excited. One of them, half of her head is partially shaved off.

Ari

Ooh.

[15:10]

Kyle

And the other one is just this very round-faced young guy. He’s probably like, in his teens. And they’re like:

Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Woah! Man, this is so awesome! Man, I love this!

Hallie

Have they been on the rollercoaster the whole time?

Kyle

They have.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

And they’re like:

Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Dude, isn’t this—

Kyle

They turn over to you, Misha:

Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Dude, isn’t this the best?

Ari

Misha’s going to look at them:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, uh, salutations, sudden humans, I believe this is potentially fun, yes!

Kyle (as round-faced teen)

Hell yeah, it’s fun! It’s the most cool thing outside of our home base. The base of the Speedy Speed Boys!

Kyle

And you see them make this super cool motion, and they start going through this little monologue. And the one with the shaved head says:

Kyle (as shaved-head teen)

I’m Viv!

Kyle

And the one, the round-faced one says:

Kyle (as round-faced teen)

And I’m Baby Jason!

Kyle (as Viv and Baby Jason, together)

And we are the Speedy Speed Boys, on vacation!

Kyle

And Viv is like:

Kyle (as Viv)

Yeah, no, the boss was totally right in that this was the coolest place to go. It’s totally dangerous and tubular, but also because of the EZ-Life brands—

Kyle

And they both show off their hands, and you can see these brightly multi-colored bands—

Kyle (as Viv)

The safest place around!

Hallie

I love it!

Kyle

And Baby Jason is like:

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

Yeah! We’ve died so many times and we’ve come back with absolutely no side-effects!

Kyle

And at that point, their eyes glaze back, and both of them fall to the ground unconscious.

Hallie

No! Nooo!

Ari

Noooooooo!

Kyle

And that is your intrusion!

Emily

Noooo!

Hallie

Noooo!

Ari

Noooo!

Tom

Oh, no!

Hallie

Are they dead? For realsies?

Kyle

No, they’re not dead. They’re just unconscious. They’re very woozy. They need a lot of rest.

Hallie

[Distressed] Thank God!

Kyle

But they’ve been going on this rollercoaster non-stop.

Ari

And Tommy Funbuck—oh sorry, not Tommy Funbuck--Fancy Tom is like, all the way in the back of the same cart, right?

Kyle

Yeah, he is a few carts back, they’re directly behind you.

Ari

Oh boy.

Kyle

It is now Fancy Tom’s turn. And he’s still terrified. So I said he was going to spew things, so he still is.

Ari

Oh my God.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

I just heard a tip that your room was going to have all the information I would need to do to perform a mild heist, so I just thought I’d go in and get some information myself.

Ari (as Misha)

A heist? Please elaborate.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Absolutely! But could you please [suddenly yelling] helllllp first!

Kyle

And you can see his hands start to slip. And so it is your full turn, Misha.

[Manic, acoustic guitar-driven music begins.]

Here is the situation. Hop is in front. He is fine. In the second cart are two unconscious members of...a gang? I guess, called the Speedy Speed Boys. And then, five carts, hanging on for dear life, is Fancy Tom. And right now, it looks like the rollercoaster next turn is going to start sliding horizontally on the wall of Roulettia itself.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

So that’s the situation.

Ari

Oh, I want—god, I guess I wish there was a way that I could pull him in. But I’m thinking, one thing that I can do is, I mean, I have my scarf. It’s like, semi-long. Can I just toss part of the scarf and use it like a rope and tell the scarf to help?

Kyle

Uh, yeah, you probably have to get back to the third cart.

Ari

Okay. I--then I guess my action will be trying to go to the third card.

Kyle

So you go to the third cart, and you whip out, and I want you to roll like, I guess speed to make sure it gets to a position where Fancy Tom can grab it.

Ari

Yes. I want to spend one level of effort for that. Let’s do this!

[Dice rolling.]

A twenty! I promise! I don’t know! I promise I’m not making these rolls up!

Hallie

Ohhhh!

Kyle

Alright, so Fancy Tom is going to make his way successfully onto the rollercoaster, but what else do you want to do?

Ari

Um, I want—okay, he’s going to make his way, I want to somehow find a way of protecting the Speedy Speed Boys so that they don’t fling out of the cart.

Kyle

Yeah. So you grab it and you fling him back into cart number two, and the scarf automatically wraps itself around the wall of the cart and around him and the two Speedy Speed Boys.

Hallie

Aww.

Ari

Aw, look at it! Look at my scarf! Oh.

Hallie

Look at your little like nest of people there!

Kyle

They’re all safe and concerned—and, and in good shape. So now Hop, it is your turn.

Hallie

Okay. Well, I guess Fancy Tom is now fine, right?

Kyle

Yeah, he’s fine. But you do have a horizontal thing that you and Misha have to deal with. So you can either—

Hallie

Oh, we have to deal with it. Okay.

Kyle

Yeah, you’re going to have to deal with it regardless for yourselves.

Hallie

Right, right, right. Okay. Um, when we looked through Mako’s, like, the basement part of his wagon boat, the cypher that I took was a Gendarme vest, where only one of the things was working. Can I use that?

Kyle

How?

Hallie

I don’t know. Well, you can use it like, to Spider-Man swing. So could I use it to just attach it, and then attach the vest, and then that way I’ll swing back into the cart after?

[20:00]

Kyle

Okay. The rollercoaster is coming up, and it’s turning to its side, and everyone is fine, except for Misha. So Misha, how are you going to deal with the fact that you could fling off?

Hallie

Hopper is like, offering his hand, by the way.

Ari

Yeah, I would grab it while not letting go of the scarf.

Kyle

Okay, each of you roll, and I’ll take whatever the best one is.  

Hallie

They can just hold on to each other.

[Dice rolling.]

Hallie

Seventeen!

Kyle

Alright. So Hop, you go and you grab Misha, and describe how you, like, fly out of the cart and then Spider-Man your way back.

Hallie

Okay. I guess the only way to do it is to hold Misha like, on the side, like Spider-Man/M.J. style, that’s just the best way to do it. And as it turns sideways, I assume that the thing is kind of like a dog leash where you can retract it a certain distance and then let it go longer if you want, and then pull it back in. So he’s not making it go longer, he’s making it go pretty short so they don’t get too distant from the cart. So they’ll just dangle—it’s boring, but it’s practical. So he’ll just hang out a little bit.

Kyle

Alright, so you go—you successfully go, but during that time, the scarf wiggles a little bit.

Ari

No.

Kyle

And you turn over and you see—the next part of the track is just made out of grass. Inexplicably, grass weaved together. And Fancy Tom starts freaking out. He’s like:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Oh no, oh no! I’m allergic to grass!

Ari

What?

Kyle

And he starts trying to wiggle his way out of it. And he accidentally wiggles him and the two Speedy Speed Boys off the side of the roller coaster.

Hallie

No!

Tom

Nooo.

Kyle

And so it starts to unroll. So the Speedy Speed Boys are now stuck in the scarf. The scarf is attached to the side of the rollercoaster, and Fancy Tom is holding onto the bottom of the Speedy Speed Boys.

Ari

Oh my Godddddd.

Kyle

And you have now been on the rollercoaster for one minute. And I’m going to say for your turns, you two can go in opposite order. You can alternate your turns.

Ari

Okay.

Kyle

Because now at this point it’s less a classical combat and more you get two turns to deal with whatever the doofus brigade has up for you.

Hallie

[Laughing] Okay. Can I—so he’s at the very bottom, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

‘Cause I don’t want to kick the other two, but I kind of want to swing out with my vest, and then like—

Kyle

Your vest is broken, because it’s a cypher. 

Hallie

Ooh!

Kyle

So probably as soon as it sent in, it just like, went back in a little too strongly and just kind of shattered and then fell to the ground.

Hallie

That’s fine. Misha, you got any—I’m looking at all my stuff to remind myself that I have things. Can I use a time crisp to go back and make it so that I grab him before he wiggles out?

Kyle

Yeah, you can do that. So you eat one of your time crisps.

Hallie

Om, nom, nom.

Kyle

And you are back, six seconds. You see him turn over. It’s kind of like this weird, ghostly thing where you can interact but not, right?

Hallie

Right.

Kyle

So he’s just doing what he automatically would have done otherwise. You see this ghostly visage of Fancy Tom turn over and say:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

[Slowed down, as if through the gaze of the past] Oh no! I’m allergic to grass!

Kyle

In slow-mo now. This is slow-mo time.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

And you see him start to wiggle.

Hallie

And Hopper Scotch is like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Nope!

Hallie

And is going to tighten that scarf.

Kyle

Alright. Give me a roll to tighten that scarf.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

This is going to be a little easier because he’s, uh—

Hallie

Slow mo!

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

A two.

Ari

Nooooooo!

Kyle

So time comes back.

Ari

Nooooo!

Hallie

He never took Boy Scouts, he doesn’t know how to make a good knot!

Ari

How can he not take Boy Scouts!

Kyle

And Misha, you see that Hop successfully tightened that scarf—

[Dramatic music begins.]

Because now you see the Speedy Speed Boys, you see Fancy Tom, and you see with his arm tightened into the scarf, right next to Fancy Tom, Hopper Scotch is suddenly dangling there, too.

Ari

Noooo! Ohh!

Hallie

[Laughter.]

[Dramatic music intensifies.]

Kyle

Hello and welcome to the announcement break for episode 27, Quest Friends: Questionable Measures Part 9? Part 9. I am Kyle, your very, very tired GM. And today, like always, our intro and outro music are “Friends” and “Hitoshio,” both by Miracle of Sound. We got a call to action today that’s really important to me. And that’s to check out the art of Mandy Robertson. Mandy is the person who does basically all of our artwork. She’s always super great to work with, super excited, and she has a bunch of amazing projects that she’s always working on. So if you really like the official artwork for Quest Friends, the official artwork for the Cookie Crew, Mandy’s going to be someone definitely worth checking out. You can find her online at mightymeller.com. You can also find her with that handle on Twitter as well. Reminder that if you Tweet or Tumblr out about this show using the hashtag #questfriends you’ll get added to a name pool which I’m going to use to name items, locations, NPCs. Our name pool person for today is Osh, the NPC Osh or Knife-head, named for Dylan Oshier. Dylan, I went on a pronunciation website, every freaking language had a different pronunciation of your last name. But Dylan O. from Twitter is the namesake for Osh. Really appreciate you tweeting about the show and trying to encourage other folks to listen in about it. Alright, that’s all we’ve got for you today. Our next episode is going to be in two weeks, on Monday, December 3. But until then, you and I have got half an episode to listen to. So I’ll listen with you now, and I’ll see you in two weeks.

[25:45]

[Dramatic music resumes.]

Ari

Ohhhh my Goooood!

Hallie

I fucked it up!

Ari

Ohhh my God.

Hallie

Oh, I fucked it up so bad! I’m so sorry!

Ari

Oh nooooo.

Hallie

I’m so sorry! What have I done?

Ari

Can in the same turn Misha send a message to Xoc and say:

Ari (as Misha)

[To Xoc] I believe the ones that were not fine after all were us. 

Hallie

[Laughter]

Ari (as Misha)

If something happens to us, I just want to say...I like you very much.

Tom

Can I do my response in the later episode when that happens to us in real time?

Kyle

Yeah, we can do that if you want.

Tom

Because I don’t know how I want to respond to that right now.

Ari

And then, after this, they are going to try and, um, they’re going to try and pull them back into the cart somehow? Like, I don’t know, it’s just that I don’t know what things they can do. I can fling things. I have a cypher where I think I can manipulate small objects with my shadow, but I don’t think—with a flashlight, but I don’t think I can do anything with that.

Kyle

Do whatever you want. Remember, you have lots of XP, and I also—I’m not going to fucking kill you all for two bad rolls.

Ari

I know. I know. But Misha doesn’t know that.

Hallie

We need to panic, Kyle.

Ari

Okay, so I want to just picture the situation physically. So they’re all hanging out of the cart like, they’re almost like, they’re hanging to the side of the cart because the scarf is stuck between everybody basically kind of thing?

Kyle

No, the scarf is hanging on to the side of the cart. Five feet down, it’s wrapped around the Speedy Speed Boys, and then hanging on the bottom of the Speedy Speed Boys—

Ari

Oh, it’s even worse than I thought!

Kyle

You have Fancy Tom, and then you have Hop. And Fancy Tom is just holding on, but Hop is very much tied into the scarf.

Ari

Oh my god, this is even worse than I thought. Oh, no! Ugh, can I like, okay, so if the scarf is there, can I try and just, I guess I can use my fling thing kind of, like to grab the very edge of the scarf and try to like, pull it up so that it’s like a rope? But I guess it’s going to be hard because there’s people in it.

Kyle

Yeah.

Ari

So it’s not like it’s going to be that easy. That’s wrong.

Kyle

Yeah, you’re going to try to wrangle the scarf. And you can successfully get that back. But you’ve got to figure out, I’m going to say an INT roll, to see if you can physics it right. To see if you can get it in.

Ari

Right. I’ll do that. I’ll try to just physics a thing. I do have edge in intellect, so I am going to spend two levels of effort to try and figure out how to physics. I, out of character, do not know how to physics this at all.

[Dice rolling.]

Ari

And I rolled a 10, so—

Kyle

Describe how you get all of them successfully back in the carts.

Hallie

Thank God.

Ari

I guess after saying that thing to Xoc and being like, really worried about everything, and like for a second just thinking that they were doomed, they were going to think like, no, I-I--we cannot end like this. So they’re going to kind of get this other strength, and basically just stare for a second at the situation, like stare at all three people, and do the flingy fling thing so that they all kind of fall—I want them all to fall upon Misha while they’re on the cart, like to physics it right, so that they’re both all in the cart, but fall on top of them.

Kyle

Okay, so they all fall on top of you, and this actually jolts Viv awake.

Kyle (as Viv)

Woah, man! This track does new things all the time!

Kyle

Fancy Tom is like:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

Oh no, but I’m still allergic to grass!

Kyle

And he starts sneezing really bad as you go on top of this grass part of the track, and take your final turn to what looks like a massive jump at the entrance of Manny’s Prosthetic Intestine. And you are at one minute and thirty seconds.

[Soothing interlude music begins.]

[30:12]

Kyle

At the same time I want to explain what’s happening to our good friends, the three other Jagged Dream members. At this point they’ve lifted up Osh, and they just kind of sat there and are going:

Kyle (as Osh)

W-w-well I, should we—we need to help out the boss.

Kyle (as Dylan)

I don’t know who the boss is at this point.

Kyle (as Julia)

Yeah, I mean, I don’t, I don’t really know who the boss is. Like, who do we help out?

Kyle

And they all just sit there for a couple of seconds. And eventually, I think—what did I name her? Julia. Eventually the one that I named Julia just says:

Kyle (as Julia)

Hey, do you guys want to go get some piPods?

Kyle

And they’re like:

Kyle (as Osh and Dylan)

Yeah!

Kyle

And they start walking off outside of the rollercoaster to go get themselves some piPods.

Tom

Oh my fucking God.

Kyle

Alright. And we are back to the rollercoaster. There is a massive jump coming on. Fancy Tom is just sneezing.

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

This is terrible!

Kyle

And he just starts flailing his arms in a complainy way.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And I need both of you have to roll speed defense as he just flails his arms, upset.

Hallie

God.

[Die rolls.]

Hallie

Nine.

Ari

One.

Hallie and Emily

Oh no!

Tom

Ohhhh!

Kyle

Miraculously, it does damage to Misha—no, it doesn’t do any damage. He is flailing. But it confuses Misha so much that they will be distracted on their turn.

Ari

I like that.

Kyle

Because they’re just like, what is he doing? Is this an attack?

Ari (as Misha)

Are humans supposed to move like this?

Hallie

Or is he throwing a tantrum?

Ari (as Misha)

I wonder if this is what grass allergies does to humans.

Kyle

But, it gets worse. Because you actually don’t get that penalty. Because instead, I’m going to give you a GM intrusion, but for free.

Ari

Ohh.

Kyle

So you don’t give that XP to somebody else, ‘cause you rolled a one. So you get this intrusion for free.

Ari

Oh my God.

Kyle

Suddenly, out of nowhere—

[Intense, distorted, electronic music begins.]

Kyle

Your vision, everything around you starts to get this harsh, red tint. And you get filled, inexplicably, with this giant, horrendous, terrible, righteous fury. You see that the four of them—this man that so terribly attacked you, these two thrill-seeking thieves, and this [voice begins to echo ominously] arrogant, hubris-filled man, who thinks he can control what he wants—you see all four of them, and you see yourself pick them up, in the scarf, and throw them, easily, outside of the rollercoaster. And you see them do this, and you see it again and again, and every time, this voice in the back of your mind makes you feel more excited, and more energetic, and you just—you see them hit the ground [repeating] hit the ground, hit the ground, hit the ground—and you see them split, and you are filled with such...happiness.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And then you jump back to the moment, when you’re still underneath all of them. And it is your turn to choose what you are going to do.

Tom

So I recall that we are allowed to mentally jump in at any point, like with our mental connection. I decided that Xoc, for whatever reason, I suppose we’ll figure it out later, didn’t or couldn’t respond to Misha’s message right away. And so now, Xoc happens to message Misha, and he says:

Tom (as Xoc)

[Mentally calling to Misha] Misha Jarvis, you’re really important to me too. And I don’t know, I don’t really know how to say this, because this is all weird and new and strange for me, but I just wanted to let you know, I’ll always be there for you. I don’t care what happened in your past or anything else, I-I know that if we work together, we, we can work through any of that. You mean a lot to me.

Emily

Aww.

Kyle

That’s the last thing you hear, and that message is cut off by a weird, other-worldly scream.

[Weird, other-worldly scream.]

Kyle

Coming both from your mouth, but also coming from Xoc’s side.

Ari

So they are going to in turn look at every single person and, you know, try to like, try to fight this that they really, really want to do. But I want it to like, right before they like maybe start grabbing for something, like for their scarf or something, that--that’s when Xoc, when they scream, and instead of doing that, I want to use my Shock to the System thing and maybe hit Fancy Tom or hit somebody. You can decide who I hit with it, but like, instead of doing the thing to try and accidentally just like channel it through that. Because like, what the thing does is that it fills people, it fills a targeted creature with images—what is it—flood the mind of a target within short range with disturbing images and ideas. Affected targets faint and collapse to the ground, remaining unconscious for two rounds. So I’m thinking that maybe they can accidentally transfer that as they are trying to fight it. But if that’s reaching out too much--

[35:07]

Kyle

No. That’s fine. This voice doesn’t want you to do it. It doesn’t want you to do this. You have to fight it. Tom and Ari, each roll me a D20, and I’m going to add your scores together.

[Dice rolling.]

Ari

I’m sorry, I rolled--I rolled a six.

Tom

Can I spend my two XP remaining on this, or would that not be applicable here?

Kyle

You can, but you still need to roll.

Tom

If I may justify my two XP here, I want to somehow, through mental connection, or just from memory, bring a tune to mind for Misha, like humming a tune in their mind.

Ari

[Muffled, pained] Noo, don’t do this thing!

Tom

I don’t know what tune Xoc chooses. And we use the heart of the cards.

[Dice rolling.]

Emily

[Pained groaning.]

Tom

An eleven.

Kyle

You get overwhelmed, Misha, with these images…

[Dark, sinister music begins.]

Kyle

All these bloodied, battered faces. The roar of a thousand different vehicles. You hear the screech as the man in Charmonde gets crushed by the gears. You hear this anger, this possessiveness, this mine, mine, mine, and all of it starts to fade away for a second. And you find yourself in this empty void. And in front of you, you see the bottom side of this massive, still, ceramic-like dress that looks like it’s mid-flowing. And above you, a similarly colored white hand starts to reach down towards you.

Kyle

And that’s when you hear the tune from Xoc.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Xoc hums a tune.]

[Xoc’s humming transitions into an electronic version of the tune.]

Kyle

And your mind starts to drift away from this void as the figure disappears and the images of the area start to come back, and you’re back. As normal. In this cart. And Fancy Tom is just, whomp, on the ground right in front of you. He’s just out. He’s very much out of commission. And as you do that, over the course of those 30 or so seconds, the rollercoaster starts to rumble, and it leaps off the side of the jump, and you just hear [succession of thudding noises] three thuds as the rollercoaster veers off course, crashes into the ground at exactly the two minute mark, and you see the three Jagged Dream members on the ground nursing their heads where they presumably got hit by the cart.

Hallie

I love it.

Kyle

And we’re out of initiative.

Hallie

Okay, so to clarify, Fancy Tom is now unconscious?

Kyle

Fancy Tom is now unconscious, and his—the little like, the little packet he was holding, he had a little packet. The packet and blueprints, they’re two separate things, slide off towards your feet.

Hallie

Okay, but was him unconscious due to Misha?

Kyle

Yes.

Hallie

Okay. So what did Hop see?

Kyle

Hop saw Misha just start kind of like shaking around violently, and you saw both of Misha’s eyes go red.

Hallie

Oh no.

Ari

[Distressed exhalation]

Kyle

And suddenly, you just heard like a scream, and then you heard Fancy Tom go:

Kyle (as Fancy Tom)

All the grass!

Kyle

And just get overwhelmed and start sneezing convulsively until he anxiety sneezed himself unconscious.

Ari

[Distressed exhalation continues]

Hallie

Oh my God, okay.

Kyle

And you’re out, so he’s on the ground, and you’re over there seeing that, and Misha, meanwhile, as you kind of look around and get up, you see the two Speedy Speedy Boys pop up and be like:

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

Woo! That was so cool! That was tubular! Let’s do it again!

Kyle

Baby Jason looks down at you and is like:

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

You should visit our gang in the Beyond!

Kyle

And Viv says:

Kyle (as Viv)

Yeah, totally. You would make an excellent Speedy Speed Boy.

Kyle

Uh, and at that, that little bit of fury [voice distorts electronically, a heart beats briefly] rises back up again [voice returns to normal] before subsiding.

Ari

Now I have a question. Would Misha remember that this happened? Or would it be like a blank?

Kyle

Misha would remember it.

Ari

Alright, in that case then, Misha is going to kind of stay put without moving, like kind of staring blankly in front of them and like, breathing kind of heavily.

Hallie

Hop is going to gather the documents that fell at his feet, but just like cram them into his pocket again. And then go over to Misha and say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha, Misha, what happened? Are you okay?

Ari

Misha is going to recoil when Hop appears, and they’re, like, when they look at Hop, they are going, like, to back away a little bit. Like it might seem that they’re scared of Hop, but they’re not. They’re actually scared of what they thought they wanted to do to Hop, and they’re going to just back away while looking at him with a little panic ways, and they’re not going to answer right away. They’re going to kind of just shake their head a bit.

[40:05]

Hallie

Seeing Misha back away, he’s not following, because he’s respecting that Misha wants to put distance. But Hopper does think like, Misha’s afraid of him, and he doesn’t quite--he doesn’t know why.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha, what’s wrong?

Ari

Misha is going to shake their head and say:

Ari (as Misha)

S-s-so, you got the blueprints. You--you got them, right? Right, Simon Scotch? That—we solved it. Right?

Ari

Like they are going to try to divert.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah.

Hallie

He’ll like, glance at his pocket, like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, yeah no, I got it—but we’ve already had to leave friends today, so if something is wrong, I’d rather take care of that first than this.

Ari (as Misha)

What did you—what did you see?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Both of your eyes went red, and you looked really mad.

Ari (as Misha)

I don’t know if I can discuss this. I, uh, I-I-I-I apologize, Scotch. I am not fine, but I don’t know if I can address it. My apologies--it is not, uh—

Hallie

Hopper is shaking his head.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no need to apologize. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Ari (as Misha)

I do not believe I am, but I will do my best to be.

Ari

And just look at Hop and say:

Ari (as Misha)

I would advise you to not step close to me for some time. I will still follow, but just, not us be as close.

Hallie

Hopper, a brief flash of hurt goes across his face.

Ari

Oh no! No! That’s not what I wanted!

Hallie

And then, he’s, um, he’ll say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay, Misha. But I..I trust you. I want you to know that.

Tom

[Pained gasp]

Ari (as Misha)

I know. It is true, but I do not trust myself. I—I want to clarify that I like you, and this is why I want you to be careful.

Hallie

Hopper will kind of shrug and smile a little bit.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha, do whatever is best for you, but that pinky promise we made goes both ways.  

All

[Pained reactions to Hop’s statement.]

Ari

Feelies! Misha is going to nod and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Thank you, Simon Scotch. I know this, and I suppose I can trust you with this, but you need to promise me that you’re not going to be scared.

Ari

And they’re going to like extend their pinky.

[Dramatic music begins.]

Hallie

Yeah, Hopper extends his pinky back and smiles and says:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Never.

Ari

Misha then is going to take a deep breath and say.

Ari (as Misha)

For a second there in the cart, I--I thought of—I thought really bad things about—about everybody. About you, about everybody. And felt like I should—I wanted to, to—

Ari

And then Misha cannot like, get themselves to say it. So they’re going to like, make the motion of, like, pushing motion.

Hallie

Oh!

Ari (as Misha)

And I do apologize, I do not really feel that—I don’t know why I felt that, and I almost did it. And I--I didn’t, and I think—I don’t know. I want you to believe that I--that I wouldn’t do it.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, you didn’t.

Ari (as Misha)

But I almost—I almost did. And maybe next time, if there’s a next time, what if I do?

Hallie (as Hopper)

We’ll be there. Misha, I don’t know what’s going on, and you don’t have to go into more detail if you don’t want to. I just want to let you know that we’ll figure it out.

Ari (as Misha)

But what if next time—

Hallie (as Hopper)

We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. It’s worth the risk.

Ari

Misha is going to kind of nod, but halfheartedly, like they don’t really think that.

Ari (as Misha)

Simon, Simon Scotch. Would you promise if...if it seems the bridge can’t be crossed, that you will protect yourself?

Hallie

Nooo. Ugh.

All

[Pained noises]

Ari

And they’re going to like, extend their pinky one last time.

Emily

How did this get so sad?

Hallie

Nooo!

Ari

I don’t know!

Hallie (as Hopper)

You’re extending the pinky?!

Ari (as Misha)

If it--if it comes to it, I do not want to hurt you.

Hallie

Hopper will give Misha a skeptical look, and then extend his pinky and he’ll say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sure, Misha.

Hallie

But he’s crossing his other fingers behind his back.

All

[Screaming at this dramatic turn of events.]

Hallie

Yes, Hopper lies.

Emily

So many angsty lies!

Tom

Why!? Oh!

Hallie

Oh, these lies!

Tom

Oh my God.

Emily

What happened this session?

All

[Continued pained noises]

Kyle

I don’t know, so much of it was so silly!

Hallie

We just got off a rollercoster. How did this happen?

Kyle

We had a murder clown car earlier. We had the world’s most ineffective Jagged Dream members.

Tom

I feel like the thing that fucks with my head the most is that we went off of that, like, the horror of Misha’s episode, into the overwhelming negative feelings that break Fancy Tom’s brain are grass, and he sneezes himself to unconsciousness. Jesus Christ. And I’m not saying that in a bad way. The whiplash is just really fucking with me. In a good way, but also not, because holy shit.

[45:25]

Emily

[Sad exhalation]

Kyle

Alright, let’s resolve this horrible lie.

Hallie

Alright. After this:

Hallie (as Hopper)

No problem, Misha. Alright, let’s get down to business.

Kyle

You take a look at what you’ve got. And so one thing that you have is you have a much more thorough, and honestly professionally put together blueprint of, like, the facility. You can see all the back rooms, you can see that main exhibit exhibition hall, and then you see the auction hall to the right. You see a much more thorough list of like, when all the things are getting auctioned off. And instead of mystery item, it does say Q-BO. And then you see this packet that he has. And you open it up, and you start to get an idea now why they accidentally thought you were the boss, because of what it says on this packet. So you see a little Post-It note, and I’m going to call it Paste-It note. That’s the Ninth World, a Paste-It note.

Hallie

Paste-It! Love it!

Kyle

And it says, uh: Shopping lists. You see EZ-Life. You see the Argent. And then you see in all caps: THIS THING, and an arrow pointing downwards to this fancily written note, which says:

[Closing theme, “Hitoshio,” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle

Come to the land of tomorrow and win your personalized mystery prize today! And as you read this, two slightly humming pearls fall out of the packet. And at the bottom, it just says, 

Kyle (as Ashen)

Won’t you play it with me? Won’t you play, Hop Scotch?

[Closing theme intensifies.]

Ari

Um, um, fuck you, Tom.

Tom

Wear heelies to escape your feelies.

Emily

Hallie, are you okay?

Hallie

Yeah. Oh my God, it’s fine. This is fine.