Ep. 30: Questionable Measures, Part 12

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle (as June)

What the hell is your problem?

Kyle

Elee, you are in hell. You are currently facing two imposing silhouettes standing above you. One of them is an elderly woman with a cane, but you’re much more focused on the glittering sword dangling on the side of her hip. The other one does not have a sword. She does not have any weapons. In fact, her outfit is simple and plain. But she carries with herself a weight that rests in her trembling fists. You’re sitting in front of Mauve and June, and they are livid.

Emily

I’ve just been opening and closing my mouth.

Kyle

Can you say that louder?

Emily

I’ve just been opening and closing my mouth! I’ve just been sitting here!

Kyle

And in fact, Mauve is taking note of that, and every so often you see her say to June:

Kyle (as Mauve)

June, maybe we should let her—

Kyle (as June)

And another thing that this girl went through that you don’t remember. We’re only on year five of her sixteen-year life! We’re going to get through the whole thing, so you know how much you screwed up!

Emily (as Elee)

I know I screwed up, June!

Kyle (as June)

[Sighs.] I just—can I hit her? Just one hit? One punch?

Kyle (as Mauve)

June. June?

Emily (as Elee)

I mean, if it’s going to make you feel better and maybe lower the volume one level, go ahead. Punch me in the face.

Kyle (as June)

I really—I need to get out all of this aggression, just a little bit of catharsis.

Kyle

And Mauve just points out:

Kyle (as Mauve)

Now June, I understand that you think that’s a good idea. That’s a misnomer, that’s not going to make you feel better. Remember all those pillows you punched while we waited for Elee? Well that just made you even madder.

Kyle (as June)

[Yelling angrily] Arrrrrrrrgh!

Kyle

And she punches another pillow straight through, and you see it fall to the ground, the feathers spewing out like a fountain of blood as it falls down onto a pile of probably, you know, two dozen floral, elegantly sewn pillows.

Emily

So I’m a little, like, thrown off by the yelling at me part, but I am still impressed by that.

Emily (as Elee)

Well, you’re the one who wants to talk. Go ahead.

Kyle (as June)

ARRRRRRGH!

Kyle

June is just yelling, and Mauve is just like:

Kyle (as Mauve)

Listen, I don’t know how much longer I can keep her like this. We just wanted to talk based on, well you know, the incidents of the past hour or so. Because you know, I brought a terrified, scared sixteen-year old girl right back to June and she popped right into her room and hasn’t come out since. And for someone as awfully anxious as she is, June says that this is something unlike what she’s ever seen before. What we’re saying, Elee, is that we need to follow-up on that conversation you and I had while waiting for ourselves to die in Tommy Funbuck. Because unfortunately, since you did not die, you still have some responsibilities you have to handle.

Emily (as Elee)

Great. Okay. Here’s the thing: Clearly I have done something very wrong. Okay, I’m--I’m acknowledging this.

[Pensive, curious music begins.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

Elee, do you know how many times I’ve walked home to see Mako has yet blown up another room filled with wonderful doilies that I got sent to me courtesy of Sue, who made them herself? And how many times he looked at me and said—

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

She actually does a fake Mako voice:

Kyle (as Mauve)

[Imitating Mako.] Well, I am apologizing, but I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for.

[No longer imitating Mako.] Don’t bullshit, Elee. You know what is going on. You know what your problem is, and we have to fix it right now, or else—

Kyle (as June)

[continuing in her frothing rage] AND ANOTHER THING—

Kyle (as Mauve)

Otherwise I think she’s going to be like this for the rest of her life, which will be cut considerably short with how much stress she has right now.

Emily (as Elee)

Mauve, I’m going to address you because [sighs] I don’t--I don’t know that she’s processing right now.

Kyle

June is grumbling about year, I believe, seventeen, which is weird because she has already said that Soe is sixteen years old.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee)

I’ve been interrogated many times. I can tell you’re trying to do the good cop/bad cop.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Honestly, I just kind of slipped into it.

Emily (as Elee)

Yeah?

Kyle (as Mauve)

I’ll be honest, this wasn’t really planned. [Tone shifts to upset.] Wait, no, I’m mad at you! Wait a second, I’m mad!

Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee)

Well, if we’re being open, I’m really good at deflection. Do you want me to show you again?

Kyle (as Mauve)

You know what, Elee Badge? I really don’t, ‘cause you know, the last couple of times you’ve been deflecting, you broke a young girl’s spirits, and we’re going to get back to that topic. Now I’m going to repeat to you what I said last there, alright? I have not seen you be apologetic before, and yet you have seemed so apologetic in the past hour for everything. Now it’s okay not to be a mother, but June has rightfully—

Kyle (as June)

[Still incomprehensibly raging] ARRRRRGH!

Kyle (as Mauve)

Recognized that she might not be the best fit to care for someone as...delicate as young Soe.

[5:16]

[Somber music begins as Mauve continues.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

But the thing is, you haven’t been deciding, Elee. You’ve been stuck in this weird middle ground where you’ve been doing your best to protect her physically, yet doing everything you can to destroy her emotional insides. And you need to decide what you are going to do.

Emily (as Elee)

[Tersely] I have been doing my best.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Have you really now?

Emily (as Elee)

I’ve been doing what I’m supposed to do. I keep her from getting hurt, and she doesn’t get attached. You’re scolding me, but I can’t do better. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Elee, everyone—everyone—even Tommy Funbuck, can do better. It’s about whether or not you choose to do better. I’ve seen you be more than just a bodyguard to an awful lot of folk. And yet somehow now you’re choosing not to. Now are you going to admit what is going on or not?

Emily (as Elee)

Well, what if I don’t know completely?

Kyle (as Mauve)

Then we’re going to get to know each other real well as we figure it out. June, could you get me another one of those, uh, wonderful drinks you made earlier? It’s going to be a few minutes.

Kyle

And now we are going to cut into the back room of the RV, because when you first entered the RV, Elee was very clearly detained at the entrance. But the rest of you, Hop, Misha, Xoc, and then, it turns out, Soe and Everett, were shuffled into the back room, which Soe has made into her own.

[Cute music box-like music begins as Kyle details Soe’s room.]

Kyle

Intricate model airships line the walls in bottles, held together by pungent jloo, which is the Ninth World equivalent of glue, and bookended by piles of young adult novels, which Everett is currently perusing through with poorly faked disdain. In the center of the room, a shoddy skeleton on a stand vibrates in response to the beating of a rising revolution in the streets outside. It is half an hour before the Tenth World exhibit begins. As  you’re sitting there, what are you doing, what have you been up to? Loell--Loell is visible to you, Xoc, and he’s actually looking, he is very on edge about this whole revolution thing. And he’s mentioned a few times, he’s like:

Kyle (as Loell)

Listen, Xoc, I mean, I get the admiration for what you’re saying, but I’m uh, I-I-I really think we should get out of here. It is not safe here, I think it is time to abort mission. Uh, I need to make sure you guys, you know, stay safe. And this is the opposite of that.

Tom

Xoc is just going to smile softly and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, this is pretty much normal for us now.

Kyle (as Loell)

You know, I—[Laughter]—I can’t tell if that’s comforting or if I’m just hyperventilating more. [Voice grows louder] How can I hyperventilate? I don’t understand how, and yet I’m doing it.

Tom (as Xoc)

We’ll have time to figure all of that out later. Uh, first, we’ve got to go save Q-BO.

Kyle

Yeah, so what have you been up to? Have you guys been perusing your notes, or...?

Hallie

You said there were model airships all around the room?

Kyle

Yes! So Soe has clearly two big hobbies. One of them is reading young adult novels. There are Paste-It notes and bookmarks all over the place. And there are also model airships, which, if you had asked her—did you ask her about them at any point?

Hallie

That was what I was going to do. Hopper is admiring all the model airships. He’s going to say:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Did you make all these yourself, Soe?

Kyle

Soe is going to look up. She’s been sitting kind of curled up on her bed. And she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Yeah. Uh, yeah, no, I-I made those. I made those. I really like airships. It’s just so open and there’s not, uh, there’s not a lot of other stuff there, in the air. And it also, it lets me, um—

Kyle

And she kind of fidgets with her hair a little bit. She’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

It lets me use my hair in a way where I know nobody is gonna--nobody is going to do anything bad, because I’m safe here in my room. That’s how I can get it, so that’s how I can make them look so nice. At least I think they look nice. And June says, well June says they--they look like airships, which I mean, that’s my goal, so I’d say that’s pretty nice.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I think they look great. You said you use your hair to make them?

Kyle (as Soe)

Uh yeah. No, they’re um, they’re really--they’re really hard, and it’s hard to get the pieces in the bottle, so I just—it’s easier to use my hair for it, because my fingers don’t, you know, feel that well.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Have you ever been on an airship?

Kyle (as Soe)

Um, no. But uh—

Kyle

And she runs and kind of barrels into Everett a little bit and pulls the book from his hand and pulls like five others. But she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

But I’ve read a lot about them. And--and you know, reading is the first step to being there, because you can like, imagine that you’re there. But even when it’s an exciting adventure you’re still safe at home. So, um, if you wanted to learn more about airships—

Kyle

And she pulls about probably a dozen young adult novels and then like, five instructional guides on them and just throws them in your arms, like:

Kyle (as Soe)

This is what I would recommend to be like, you know, the first week of reading. Uh, and then I’ve got a few more for the other ones.

Hallie

Hopper will like, look at just the pile of books he has, and he’s like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well I don’t want to take—I don’t think we’re going to be here for very much longer. I don’t want to take these, because they look really important to you, but I think this hobby is really cool.

[10:05]

Kyle (as Soe)

Well no, I don’t mind. Like, I’ve read them a lot, so I want--I want someone else who is interested to read them, if they would be interested.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay!

Hallie

Hopper will like sit down at an open chair and start like, leafing through. He’s into nerdy kids who have a lot of books. Yeah, he likes this.

Kyle

Wonder how?!

Hallie

And I wonder why!

Kyle

And one of them catches your attention, and it’s, uh, Captain Flyhook: Historical Adventurer of the Cloud Crystal Skyfields. And it is a dry, boring book about the journeys of this relatively tame merchant who flew through the skies.

Hallie

Hopper finds it very interesting.

Kyle

Alright, Hopper is reading that book, Xoc is talking a little bit to Loell, but Xoc and Misha, what have you been up to for the past time? Soe’s been on her bed and Everett has been making a point to read the books and to avoid eye contact with Misha because he hasn’t really seen Misha since the incident in Charmonde with the gears.

Hallie

Oh.

Ari

See, Misha is oblivious to things, so they really haven’t noticed that.

Tom

I think that as soon as they like, got back together—we had a like brief reunion like at the end of last session. But Xoc is going to like, every now and then, glance over at Misha to like, make sure they’re okay and still there. Maybe shoot out like a telepathic comment every now and then like:

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, you going to be okay? You ready for this? Our biggest adventure yet?

Ari

[Laughter.] Uh, Misha is always going to kind of shortly reply with:

Ari (as Misha)

Certainly.

Ari

But they are going to sound a little bit more blunt than they usually sound, like they are distracted by other things. And they haven’t—they have sometimes noticed that Xoc is glancing at them, but they have been like, not as attentive to things as they usually are.

[Instrumental version of “Seasons of Love” begins.]

Ari

But they also occasionally glance at Xoc, because they are still a tiny bit worried about the Seasons of Love disease. But not as often. They have just done it a couple of times.

Kyle

Uh, I think now would be a good time to take care of some of our house cleaning things, because we’ve got a fucking heist to do in 30 minutes.

Hallie

Yeah, that’s fine. Uh, Hopper will be like leafing through the book, and then after a few minutes, he will suddenly be like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, the Tenth World Exhibit starts in, what, 25 minutes now? We should start figuring out what we’re going to do.

Tom 

Xoc will just sort of like, look down at the floor and be like:

Tom (as Xoc)

We failed, though. We didn’t figure out how the Jagged Dream was going to try to steal Q-BO. We don’t even know how to get in there.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, but—

[The sort of music that plays when a crew lays their heist begins.]

Hallie

And then Hopper will pull everything out and lay it across the floor.

Hallie (as Hopper)

We have some starting points. Misha and I found these blueprints, and then that guy that we fought that one time, Fancy Tom, he was on the boat with all the hats? He showed up. He is working for the Jagged Dream, I guess. He had the simplified blueprints and a checklist, and, oh yeah!

Hallie

And then he’ll remember the atlas he got from Ashen. And he’ll open that to see what’s inside the atlas.

Ari

Another thing that I forgot to mention that Misha has been doing, or did for a bit is look through the notebooks that they took from Mac, like the diary that he’d been writing, just to see what exactly they were writing about.

Kyle

Yeah, so we’ve got a lot of clues to go through, so I’m going to start talking about them, which means future Kyle—cue that elevator music!

[Future Kyle cues the elevator music.]

Kyle

So we went around and we saw a bunch of stuff. I’m going to go over some of the evidence we have in front of us. And there are other things we saw, so if you’ve been keeping track at home, don’t worry, I’ve been keeping track of the clues you’ve gone up, I just want to do a simplified version so we don’t spend 20 minutes talking about evidence. So, the atlas that you took, Hop. It’s an atlas of important historical events in the Steadfast. So there’s one for Charmonde, there’s one for Qi, there’s some that are a compilation of small towns like Fasten and Rhubarb, like there’s a map of all the small towns of Navarene. But when you open it, a note slides out, signed by Lorraine. And that note reads:

Kyle (as Lorraine)

My shattered dream.

[Lorraine’s funky theme begins.]

Kyle (as Lorraine)

I am not quite sure why I was requested to grab this book. People tend to be so secretive about the strangest of things, but I can be assured that you will find it very enjoyable. But, in case this book doesn’t give you what you need, I’ve also left a pair of outfits at the coat check. Just go to box 2S and enter code BTC and you will have exactly what you need.

Kyle

To get into the exhibit--I’ll explain this in more detail but when you get there--to the coat check that they usually have at the entrance to these things, there is a box that already has stuff in it and you can recover things from it if you give them the code BTC. The next things are from Mac’s notebook—

[Mac’s noir-ish theme begins.]

Kyle

And there is a lot of rambling. Mac really liked to hear themselves talk. You hear, you know, the last bastion of the law, the last virtue of the law, the last paragon of the law, the last paladin of the law. All of them are cycled out. It looks like it took them awhile to land on last bastion. Uh, and somehow the smoking sound effects enter in as well. And the smoking takes—it punctuates so frequently that if I did it in character, it would fucking take five minutes. So the long and short of it is that Mac has been following you, and they’ve been doing this outside of the orders of The Boss, which is what Mac calls Lorraine.

[15:25]

Tom

[Metal Gear Solid voice] Boss.

Kyle

Looks like The Boss, once Mac got you, the Boss really didn’t have anything for them to do. Lorraine didn’t really have any tasks for them, and Lorraine actually made a point, hey, don’t go do any investigating, and you can feel the wink in that, because she knows how Mac works. And Mac very much took the bait and was operating outside of Lorraine’s direct instructions as they followed you. They saw you sign for the hotel rooms, they saw you go into each of the two hotel rooms, they did see what you got in it. They always like—you went into room 157, they went in afterwards, saw it. You went into room 164, they went in afterwards, saw everything that was left over. They saw you fight with the Jagged Dream and take the packet containing the hopscotch pearls, and Mac noted that after the fight, Jagged Dream members kept referring to Hop’s blueprints. But Mac couldn’t get any more information from them, as the Jagged Dream members quickly ran to purchase the piPods they were really excited about getting. What you’ve learned is that Mac is aware that you have blueprints of the exhibit and auction, and they assume ill intention.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

And after, you know, Misha stole all their notebooks, they definitely assume ill intention now.

Hallie

Misha straight up mugged them, yeah.

Kyle and Ari

[Laughter.]

Kyle

But they assumed ill intention before that. So the blueprint is a blueprint of the exhibit and auction. I’m actually—I’m really proud of these blueprints, so I’m going to put them online. There’s a link in the episode description to this image.

Hallie

They’re real good.

Kyle

But the long and short of it is, there are three floors in the exhibit and auction.

[Glamorous, slick music begins.]

Kyle

So the exhibit and auction is taking place on the top of Funbuck’s Funhouse and Hotel, and that’s that big queen’s chess piece in the center of the city. The main floor contains this large exhibit hall and then to the right of it is the auction house. It looks like for the first hour the exhibit is going to be open, and then after an hour, all that’s going to be taken down and the auction is going to start. You start on the main floor, which has the exhibit and the auction rooms, you can go downstairs to a ballroom, and next to the ballroom is an elevator that you can take up to get to Q-BO. And the one stickler is that between that elevator and Q-BO is a hallway. Next to the hallway, between the elevator and Q-BO’s room, complicated technical jargon is written down. With a proper INT roll, one may be able to decipher what is written down. Without a roll, all one can determine is that this hallway includes three very advanced, very lethal precautions to ensure only those with access can reach Q-BO. So Ari, in our kind of pre-prep for this, because we spent a few hours talking about this, Ari spent three levels of effort, rolled a six, but is trained in deciphering Numenera. Because of that, was able to understand what this hallway was. So the three precautions are, one, there’s a quiz on Tommy Funbuck’s favorite things. It is multiple choice. Two, there are waves that throw metallic components haywire, so kind of a magnetic field. And then three, there is a Datasphere dampener. And the last thing is that Ari has been holding onto, since a few episodes ago, she had one last question that Misha could ask. And from that, as you’re looking through this, Misha, a set of blueprints that you hadn’t seen earlier kind of slide out from the notebook. And inside of these, you see Argent, and you see what it does.

[Dramatic, eerie music begins.]

Kyle

So Argent consists of three baseball base sized platforms that are used to make a flat plane. And from this plane, items from the past and the future can be pulled into the present. So like, if maybe say there was a lamp in a room and it was removed yesterday, you could place these platforms in that room, activate Argent, and pull out that lamp that used to be in that space. In addition to these platforms, there is a large tower reminiscent of the Dotwave that is used to power it, because this uses an immense amount of energy. So, Kyle, you can stop that probably three times looped version of the hotel theme. That’s everything we’ve got, that’s all the important evidence. And begin scene.

Hallie

All right. Hop spreads everything out a little bit more. He puts the letter from Lorraine to the side. He doesn’t like it. And then says—well, he opens his mouth to say something, and then before he says anything, he grabs the walkie talkie that’s attached to the pin, and then he’s going to disconnect the walkie talkie from the pin.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Lorraine hacked this somehow, and she’s been listening in on what we do. She’s called me a couple of times. So did Regular Bob. That was weird. We can’t have this on while we’re making our plans. Although I wonder—if she hacked it, I wonder if we could hack it so that we could listen to her.

Tom (as Xoc)

I mean, that could be helpful. She’s probably behind all this anyway, or something.

[20:00]

Kyle

Hop, you look down into this mess of really thin, really fragile metallic components, and you realize that even if you could get in there, none—like all of your fingers, just a human finger, would break it instantly. Like you’re impressed that Mako made this in the first place, and you have no idea how, because even if like Xoc or Misha tried to handle it, even if they rolled a 20 they’d probably break it.

Hallie

Okay. So he’s holding up the pin, and if he’s holding it up and the camera view is him looking at the pin, suddenly the camera focus changes to the model airships in the background.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie

And he goes:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Huh. S-Soe? You said you made those airships yourself, using your hair, right?

Kyle (as Soe)

Yeah. Uh, you can actually see, there’s a little—

Kyle

And she points to—

Kyle (as Soe)

There’s a little strand there. That hurt for about a week. But I think the airship was worth it.

Hallie

Oh.

Emily

Oh no.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I hate to ask this, but could you take a look, and do you think you would be able to hack into this pin?

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh yeah, no! I could totally—oh no, um—

Kyle

And you see her, like she’s really excited, she really wants to help and you see her mood just dampen. She’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

I—I shouldn’t do that. I-I-I keep messing things up.

[A swooshing beat transitions to the other scene.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

Elee, I’m just going to be honest here, you’re really messing everything up.

Emily (as Elee)

I know!

Kyle (as Mauve)

I know you know that, Elee.

Kyle (as June)

Does she really know that though, ‘cause I can let her know really well.

Kyle (as Mauve)

June. June. I know you know that, Elee. Here’s the thing. You keep telling us that you’re really bad at protecting people and caring for them.

Kyle (as June)

And she’s absolutely right!

Kyle (as Mauve)

[Warningly] June.

Emily (as Elee)

Shut up, June. You are no longer part of this lecture.

Kyle

The knuckles keep cracking.

Emily (as Elee)

You can take me out back and punch me later. We’re kind of in a hurry. Lecture me, Mauve.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Gladly.

Kyle

[Laughter.] No, she’s not going to fucking listen to you. Now my mind is blown. Will she listen to you, will she, won’t she. She’s like:

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

Listen Elee, I’ve--after all  my time with Everett, I’ve gotten pretty good at seeing through bullshit, and seeing through folks who try to act a lot bigger and badder than they are. And here’s the thing, Elee Badge. You keep acting like you can’t communicate well with people, that you are so distant that you don’t understand how people work, and, well, that’s just a bunch of bullshit.

[Sentimental piano music begins.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

I’ve seen you, alright? I saw you in Fasten with that baby, and I’ve seen you with these children, and I’m including Mr. Hopper Scotch in there. He has a lot to work on.

Tom

[Wheezing laughter.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

 I’ve seen you work with those children, I’ve seen you give them care, I’ve seen you give them support. I’ve seen you be exactly the kind of person you need to be for Soe. What happened, Elee? Why is there such a hang up when you get the word “daughter” involved here?

Emily (as Elee)

Mauve, why don’t you have kids?

Kyle (as Mauve)

Just happens. I found ways around it. I’ve got kids, not of my blood, but they’re still mine.

Emily (as Elee)

I made my peace with not having a kid. I spent so long coming to accept it that—how do I deal with the fact that I could have had it all along? I may not have known she was there, but I left her after spending so long wanting...her with … Karl.

[An acoustic guitar plays somberly.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

Here’s the thing, Elee Badge. It’s easy to get caught up in the losses that we had in our past, on the things that could be. But, what happened is what happened. And the worst thing we can do is let what happened control what will happen. That girl has so many years left ahead of her, and I’m pretty sure the moment the grim reaper comes knockin’, you’re going to punch his lights out. I’m, in fact, kind of counting on it. No offence, I think he might come to you before me, and I’m just, you know, hoping you can put in a good couple punches for me.

Emily (as Elee)

I gotcha.

Kyle (as Mauve)

So you’ve lost 16 years, but you’ve got so many more than 16 left.

Emily (as Elee)

Well, not if she follows me around.

Kyle (as Mauve)

Elee, this is a girl—have you listened to June’s story? She’s only on year six. This girl has made it through the Beyond, she’s made it through the roughest parts of the Steadfast, and she’s survived Roulettia on her own. She’s going to be fine, whatever you throw at her. The only thing that matters right now is whether or not you want to have a daughter. Because I’m gonna be honest, I’m pretty sure I know whether or not she wants a mother.

Emily (as Elee)

Well, just because I want her and she wants me doesn’t mean—you’re right. You know what? You’re right. I can think of a million excuses in my head right now to lob back at you. But the conversation is just going to go on, and she’s clearly my kid if she keeps coming back, despite the fact that I keep telling her to leave. I...want Soe to be my daughter. I want her to be in my life.

[25:05]

Kyle (as Mauve)

Well then that’s all that matters. Remember—

Kyle

And she stands up and kind of leans on her cane a little bit and she says: 

[Hard rocking song begins.]

Kyle (as Mauve)

As I always say, Elee Badge, if you try to plan everything out, then nothing is going to go right. But if you try to plan nothing out—

Kyle

And somewhere, miles and miles away, you can here Jesse pipe in:

Kyle (as Jesse)

Then nothing can go wrong!

Emily (as Elee)

So this may not be the time to have this conversation, Mauve, but I think you might want to just keep thinking about that motto and maybe just like, give it a couple more passes.

[Music continues, segueing into the episode’s announcement break.]

Kyle

Hello and welcome to episode 30 of Quest Friends, Questionable Measures Part 12. I am Kyle, your GM, and I am, uh, trying, as hard as I can to kind of contain my nerves while presenting this. If you’re listening to this episode the day it comes out, you are listening the day I am flying back from Podcon. But I am recording this episode about almost exactly 12 hours from when I board the plane to go to my first convention. And just...ahhhhhh—so that would be the reason why we didn’t have a “previously on” at the very beginning, because I just have a lot to do and a lot of nerves, and I just really need to get this episode done and out. But before I can do that, I need to give you an announcement. A little bit of a call to action. Hopefully, while I was out, on my way to Podcon, kind of on the way there and on the way back, I would have been working on planning chapter four of Quest Friends, our next chapter. And while doing that, I would have used the Trans Language Primer as a reference. The Trans Language Primer, which you can find on www.translanguageprimer.com, the primer is an intersectional resource that is kind of a database of terminology related to gender, related to sexuality. It’s a resource to kind of see the words that you might have heard, but also some words that you might want to use in the future, things that might describe things or experiences that you didn’t know had terms for them before. For example, you may have heard the term asexual, but did you know that the term for someone who is not asexual is allosexual? So it’s a lot of stuff like that. The folks behind this hire sensitivity readers, they are currently working on Spanish translation. This is a genuine, easy to use resource. There’s—if you have a question on a word, or you kind of want more information, the Trans Language Primer is a great way to start. So again, that is www.translanguageprimer.com. Check it out. It’s really cool. But that’s really all the announcements I’ve got for you. Besides that, our next episode will release on Monday, February 4. I will see you, then.

[Hard rock music begins again, segueing back into the episode proper.]

Emily

Elee Badge doesn’t always like to admit this, but she occasionally does like to get a little bit dramatic. And she’s had a long, trying, uncomfortably personal conversation, and she’s going to allow herself to have a dramatic moment. And so she flings open the door.

Kyle

How does everyone respond? To this door that’s just like, KABOOM.

Tom

Xoc jumps. He is very startled.

Ari

Same.

Hallie

Yeah. Hopper also jumps. He hops, if you will.

Tom

Ohhhhhh! Heyoooo!

Hallie

Heeeey! [Laughter.] [Sharp inhale.] I hate myself.

Kyle

Everett’s been around Jesse for awhile. Everett doesn’t move. And Soe jumps, looks at you, and then just slinks further into her hoodie.

Emily

Okay, I’m going to go, like, flop down next to her on the bed.

Emily (as Elee)

So, Soe. Do you know how to throw a punch?

Kyle (as Soe)

Um, no. Are—d-d-oh no, did I upset people? Are people going to fight us? Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t think I can help with fighting people.

Emily (as Elee)

You don’t have to, but if you want—

[Adorable, “finally, this parent understands their child” music, like from a movie trailer, begins.]

Emily (as Elee)

I will teach you.

Kyle (as Soe)

Really? Wait, no, why? Oh no, is this so when I screw up again?

Emily (as Elee)

It’s because you haven’t been screwing up. I have.

Kyle

Her hood lightly comes down a little bit, and she looks up at you and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

You mean I didn’t screw up even though, I mean, I got us caught and stuff.

Emily (as Elee)

No, you didn’t screw up. I have to tell you though, I’m going to try to be a lot more honest with you, Soe. And so you you need to know that the woman who put that beetle in your hair, I will be attempting to beat her to death.

[30:15]

Kyle (as Soe)

I mean, that’s not very nice of her, though. Can we just like—can--can we just like—

Emily (as Elee)

We’ll put her in jail.

Kyle (as Soe)

Okay, that would be good.

Emily (as Elee)

And maybe we can get her into a reform program so that she can learn that what she did was wrong and use her beetles for good.

Kyle (as Soe)

That’s a really good idea. I’ve heard sometimes jails just make people—they just like hold people and then they want to get them back in and they don’t actually help people. So I think a reform program would be really good.

Emily (as Elee)

Yeah, you know, we should really look to reduce recidivism, and—

[The music suddenly stops.]

Kyle

We don’t like prisons is what we’re saying!

Emily

We could go further into this, Kyle!

Kyle

Like, this could be the whole episode, is let’s talk about prisons.

Emily

I was trying to keep it short.

Tom

Weren’t we doing a heist?

[Mysterious, searching music begins.]

Kyle

So anyway, Soe’s hair kind of twitches a little bit, and she says:

Kyle (as Soe)

So, so, so is it okay if I help?

Emily (as Elee)

Yeah. [Heavy pause.] I would like that.

[Music segues into a synth-y, upbeat version of Soe’s searching theme.]

Kyle

You see her hair start to untangle itself from the bow, and eventually this just mass, probably of thin, blue strands, as big as her body, start to rise around and move around the space, and they start going over, and they grab onto the communicator and the pin, Hop, and they start to like, pull themselves into their own mass. And Soe is looking with excitement over this machine, and she starts to move one of her hairs down and she stops and she says:

Kyle (as Soe)

You know what, I’m not sure if I can do it. I—

Emily (as Elee)

Soe, you can do it.

Kyle (as Soe)

Mom, can you—can you grab—

Kyle

And she points to a book on the shelf.

Emily

Yeah, I grab it.

Kyle

You grab a book. It’s a young adult novel titled, what is it titled?

Emily

What is it titled? It is titled … Midnight.

Kyle

You grab a book called Midnight, and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Don’t worry, it’s a misnomer. It’s really about making daytime out of the dark times. Anyways, um, there’s a passage in there that really helps me when I--helps motivate me. Could you just read that, a little bit?

Kyle

And you look and you see a bookmark. And if you open it up, you can see about a paragraph long passage that I would like you to read right now.

Emily

Just make it up?

Kyle

Well no, you’re going to read it. You’re going to read the passage. Elee’s not going to make things up. I’m assuming Elee is trying to do her best, so Elee is going to read the passage.

Emily

Kyle Decker, you know what I mean.

Kyle

Oh, Emily Strawn? No, Emily Strawn’s going to make it up.

Emily (as Elee)

[Haltingly.] And then, the beautiful young huntress said:

[Dramatic music begins as the beautiful young huntress goes into her monologue.]

Emily (as Elee)

“We will bring light to the dark forest through our kiss of true love.”

“But wait,” the handsome warrior said in reply. “Are you sure we should unleash such a powerful force quite yet?

“Yes, I do believe we should,” the huntress said.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee) 

“I don’t know. I love you, but what if it’s too powerful? The plants can only take so much sunlight before they start drying up.”

Kyle and Tom

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee)

And the Huntress says, “Do you think that perhaps because of the power level of our true love’s kiss, there will also be an adequate amount of rain to balance out the light differences?”

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee)

The warrior replied—

Kyle (as Soe)

Done! 

Kyle

And as you finish that line, the hair slips back into the nice little bow shape, and she hands the thing to Hop. And as she hands it to Hop, and you can see Hop, there’s a little impromptu on/off switch—

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

She turns over to Elee and says:

Kyle (as Soe)

Thanks. That was...not the passage I was thinking of, but you still read it really good.

Emily (as Elee)

Sorry.

Kyle

And so Hop, you now have the communicator, and you can turn it one of three ways--uh, four ways: No one can hear anyone, you can hear her, she can hear you, or it goes both ways.

Hallie

I just want to hear her.

Kyle

Okay. It crackles to life, and you can hear Lorraine humming to herself.

Kyle (as Lorraine)

[Humming, which transitions into singing.] Disappointing. [Sighs.] I certainly hope you don’t disappoint me this time, Hopper Scotch. I just don’t know if I can handle something like Cartesian again. How can I have excitement when my most exciting source is all but gone? But no, I know, I know he will come. He will try to steal Q-BO, and hopefully he’ll be able to do it successfully. Oh, I just don’t want to have to find another best friend.

[35:25]

Kyle

And you hear a door open, and you hear someone say:

Kyle (as Lorraine’s flunky)

Uh, Ms. Stiles, do you need anything?

Kyle (as Lorraine)

Oh no, I’m just sitting here talking to myself while prepping for the performance. I don’t need anything you can give me.

Kyle

And then she just goes back to humming to herself, and it sounds like she is no longer conveniently monologuing.

Hallie

Boo!

Kyle

But you got a couple of pieces of information from that.

Hallie

A couple. Yeah, we do. We got a couple. Alright. Hopper, whose face is just a little bit red, and when he blushes he also blushes in his ears, so he’s sort of blushing a little bit, and then he’ll turn it off and he’ll go—

Kyle

Turn off the, I’m assuming you mean the thing, not his blushing, right?

Hallie

The thing. He can’t turn that off. So he’ll turn off the thing that he can turn off, which is the listening pin.

Emily (as Elee)

Hey Hop, what’s up with the cute little pink ears?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uhh…

Ari

Can Misha notice that?

Kyle

Yes, everyone noticed. It’s very obvious. Everett notices, and he notices nothing.

Ari

Okay. Misha will look at Hopper and will look at his distance from Xoc, and then they will be like:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I-I-I wonder if Seasons of Love is contagious.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Are they saying that out loud? Or are they just thinking it?

Ari

Uh, Misha is just thinking it at the moment.

Hallie

Okay, well in response to—

Ari

No, actually no! They are going to say it out loud.

Kyle

I was going to say, I don’t think Misha can think in their brain. They just kind of blurt out anything.

Ari

Yeah, that’s true. They are like saying it to themselves, but they’re going to say it loud enough that, like,  it will be heard.

Kyle

Good thing you turned that pin off, huh Hop?

Hallie

[Laughter.] In response to these two comments, Hopper will just pull his hat down a little bit farther so you can’t see at least his ears, and then he’ll go:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay. That’s what I thought, which is Lorraine is bored. That’s all there is to it. She’s just bored. So listen, she doesn’t--she doesn’t care if we get Q-BO or not. She cares if it’s fun for her to stop us. If we try to distract her while we take Q-BO, now that she knows we’re taking Q-BO, she’ll know anything is an obvious distraction. So we have to distract her with something that she wants to deal with more than Q-BO. Something that is more interesting to her.

Emily (as Elee)

So are you going to take your shirt off?

Hallie

Hopper just turns to Elee and goes:

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’ll handle Lorraine.

Kyle

Everett’s going to like, scoff from the corner and he’s going to say:

Kyle (as Everett)

I mean, how are you even going to get in? It’s not--they just let in the ritziest, snobbiest folks. Like they don’t even take tickets. They just look and see who is cool enough—not that I tried to get in or anything.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Wait, really? Do they have like, bouncers?

Kyle (as Everett)

[Scoffs.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well that complicates the very first part of the plan.

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I do believe, an Everett looks cool enough to enter this bouncer event.

Kyle (as Everett)

[Scoffs.] I tried, but they said black was out, or something like that. I don’t even know—how could a color be out? It’s here. 

Emily (as Elee)

So I’m going to make this a really quick lecture. I won’t explain everything, Misha, so it may be confusing to you. You just have to know, Everett is not cool.

Tom

[Laughter.] Oh no!

Kyle

Everett’s heart broke three times that day.  

Tom

Noooooo!

Ari

It shrunk like the Grinch’s.

Emily (as Elee)

Not the kind of cool that they want in Roulettia.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh, and that’s not cool at all!

Kyle

Soe pipes in, and she kind of like, looks over at Everett.

[Bass-driven, suspenseful music plays as the details of the heist unfold.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Didn’t you buy, like, a really fancy set of clothes, Hopper Scotch? And didn’t Lorraine say that she had clothes waiting for us up at the coat check?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah.

Emily (as Elee)

As long as they’re fancy clothes, not the shirt that’s supposed to get Misha beaten up here.

Ari

Misha is going to point at their outfit and say:

Ari (as Misha)

I do believe this might be what humans might consider cool as well. So I, perhaps, could use these clothes to be cool and get in.

Tom (as Xoc)

But Elee Badge and I, we’re still sort of fugitives from that time we were nearly shot to death inside Trash Tank.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You mean like an hour ago?

Tom (as Xoc)

Yes. Exactly.

Emily (as Elee)

Did anything ever come with me trying to start an uprising?

Kyle

You hear the people sing outside.

Tom

The camera just pans to the window and there’s like, a march going on outside. People are like, holding up signs and torches.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You know—

Hallie

Hopper says—

Hallie (as Hopper)

I bet you’re heroes to a lot of people. You might have some new-found friends.

Tom (as Xoc)

You think they’d help us sneak in?

Hallie (as Hopper)

I think so.

Kyle (as Soe)

And, um, Mr. Hopper looks really good, but Misha, I have something that I think would look really good with your outfit.

Ari

Misha is going to look excitedly at Soe.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh! I would like to see this.

Kyle (as Soe)

Yeah, I found it. It’s one of the things that I gave Steven, but I don’t think he uses it, so—

[Curious music begins as Soe walks over to Steven]

[40:04]

Kyle

She walks over to this skeleton that’s just been in the center. The skeleton, is it made out of bone, and is the bone human? Or something other? We don’t know. But she slips in a little coin on a string and opens it up.

Kyle (as Soe)

Steven! Steven! Can you open up your gifts? Steven! Steven! I really...like...your face!

Kyle

And that’s the Steven Steven song. And the thing rattles, and with a horrifying creak, the mouth opens up. It’s just like [imitates the creaking of the rusted latch on a chest.]

Ari

Misha is fascinated by this.

Emily

I’m so full of love!

Kyle

And then the skeleton just like, falls open on all sides. And inside of it, you see a bunch of things. So at the beginning of this, each of you got a couple of things. So all of you got one experience point, and the reason you’re getting that is because every heist has complications, which are what I’m going to call GM intrusions. So instead of just fucking throwing XP at you during this heist, I’m kind of front paying you. So you all get one XP now, and then during this heist I’m just throwing in complications. The second thing is that all of your rolled to get a cypher during our prep. So Emily rolled a one, and she gets a small tree branch that takes root and spreads itself inside the first thing the roots touch. Ari gets a small paper clip that when squeezed says “What can I help you with?” And if Misha doesn’t ask for help with anything, after a few moments of silence, the paper clip will say, “Please ask again when you have something I can assist with!” Halle rolled a seven and got a frame with white paper that ripples when the entire frame is moved. There’s a crayon on one side and a note that says, “Only touch paper with crayon when ready.” Eight, Tom rolled an eight, and he got a helmet that, when turned on, shakes fabric on its top to generate a massive amount of static electricity. Razors buzz on the inside. And then there’s the last thing. Hoh boy, is there the last thing. Ari spent three experience to get this item. Three experience is going to make it a fashion statement. This is going to gain Misha a long-term notoriety, or title. My current idea is Archduke of Swaggerton. But I think Ari has something different in mind.

Ari

I like it, I want it to be Maledonia, but Swaggerton is fine, too!

Kyle

So from Maledonia.

Ari

Swaggerton of Maledonia.

Kyle

There we go! Archduke of Swaggerton from Maledonia.

Ari

Swaggerdonia.

Kyle

Uh, the practical effects is that every charm roll that Misha does on someone who is either a tourist or part of the elite ruling class of Roulettia that Misha does not know, any interaction roll is two steps easier. And that’s two steps easier than normal. So Misha usually has an inability for talking to folks. No, it’s really—it’s three steps easier, but like, Ari has to roll six less in order to succeed. So it’s a pretty good benefit.

Ari

But, but, but—are we going to talk about the item that gives me those properties? It’s not just—

Kyle

Yes. So, I’m looking at an item right here. Uh, it is a picture Ari sent me. I did not write down a description. I am going to try to describe it. Imagine you took a musketeer and you merged it with a masquerade. So you’ve got the typical fancy masquerade mask. But this bleeds into this—uh, is it going to be purple and gold like it is here?

Ari

I do want it to be purple and gold.

Kyle

Alright, so it’s going to be a gold mask, but then it’s a flowery, purple hat that like is wide-brimmed and extends, and it doesn’t have one feather, it has--I don’t know how many fucking feathers—it has like a rim of feathers around it. And then like it goes down on one side, and you can see gold and purple flowers that meld into the side of the mask. It’s like Phantom of the Opera, but 10 times more bourgeois.

Ari

And it’s a full mask, too.

Kyle

It is incredible. It is...it is Roulettia distilled into a mask.

Tom

The Dark Souls of headwear.

Emily

I would wear that.

Kyle

So Misha, you see this and Soe picks it up and she’s like:

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh yeah, no, I think this would be good.

Kyle

And what is your response to seeing the 3XP mask?

Ari

Misha loves it. They have rarely smiled as widely as they have here. Like I think they really haven’t done it. The last time they did it, they got their bat, and they are just, like, smiling widely and looking first at Soe, and then at the rest of the party, and be like:

Ari (as Misha)

I do believe this is what humans might consider cool, correct?

Ari

And then they are going to put it on.

All

[Laughter. Uncontrollable laughter.]

Tom

[Yelling incoherently.]

Emily

[Through laughter.] I love you so much.

[45:00]

Kyle

For reference, Ari has a shitty little paper masquerade mask that she got from the kids’ section of a museum.

Ari

I stole it from a children—well I didn’t steal it! A child left it behind, and it was nowhere to be around, so I just took it, and I glued a stick on the bottom of it and it’s just a marker, and that’s my mask.

Tom

Oh my God. Um, Xoc, upon seeing this, and seeing Misha’s reaction, is just beaming a little bit.

Tom (as Xoc)

I--I think it looks very cool, Misha Jarvis.

Ari

Misha is going to—at that their smile is going to widen at Xoc saying that. If they, again, if they could blush, they probably would have done it at that comment. But then they are going to look at Hop and say:

Ari (as Misha)

This is an excellent way to get into the party. You see, my face is covered by this wonderful artifact, so I will not be recognized. 

Ari

Even though you know, they are like, taller than usual, they have the hair, like it’s not like they wouldn’t be recognized, they have the—

Kyle

Is Misha still going to be wearing the Manny Mantle t-shirt during this?

Ari

Somebody should tell Misha to not do it, because otherwise they’re going to wear the exact same thing they’re wearing with the mask.

Hallie

Hop was just about to respond with that.

Kyle

Before Hop can do that, Everett turns over and is like:

Kyle (as Everett)

[Scoffs.] It looks okay. Actually no, it looks bad on it’s own, but it looks very cool when put together with that Manny Mantle t-shirt. It’s like, clashing in all the right ways.

Ari

Misha is going to look at Everett and is going to say:

Ari (as Misha)

Well, in other circumstances, I would believe you an individual, but I have heard conflicting comments of you not being part of “the cool.” So I am not entirely sure if this means that the shirt is cool or not.

Ari

And they’re going to turn to Hopper and say:

Ari (as Misha)

Hopper--Scotch Simon, I believe you might be part of “the cool.” Do you consider this shirt?

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

[Laughter.] No one has ever said that to Hopper before! 

All

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

I do believe that at least this fascination of Lorraine with you might be associated with you being part of “the cool.”

Hallie (as Hopper)

Wait, what?

Ari (as Misha)

Well I do believe that at least at this moment, you are more “in the cool” than at least Elee and Xoc because of their status as fugitives. So you would be the one that knows the most about the cool status of clothing in this city.

Hallie

Um, at “you are part of the cool,” Hopper kind of almost looked at his side like, are they talking to me Hopper, or is there like a second Hopper in this room? When they, when they said that. And then he’ll go:

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, it’s true, I’m not a fugitive, so I’ve got that going for me. I do think that your mask is going to make a statement. I think the statement would be better if you weren’t wearing the shirt and the crop-top. I think you’ll blend in, though, with a lot of these ritzy, wealthy, stuffy people.

Ari

Misha is going to look apologetically at Everett and say:

Ari (as Misha)

I do apologize, an individual, but I think I will follow Scotch Simon’s advice at the moment.

Kyle (as Everett)

[Scoffs, then, weakly:] Fine?

Tom

Xoc is just going to say:

Tom (as Xoc)

I don’t mean to interrupt, but don’t we have like, five or 10 minutes before the exhibit starts? And we still don’t know what we’re doing.

Ari (as Misha)

This is certainly true.

Hallie

Ahh!

Ari

Oh, also, also, Misha is going to say:

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I do believe that I have something that has worked in the past with me looking as part of a elite group of individuals.

Ari

And then they’re going to take their hat that they used for Queen Armalu and put it on top of their head.

Tom

Holy shit!

Emily

On top of the mask hat?

Ari

I have, yeah, like a mask with a hat, and an actual hat.

Tom

Holy shit!

Hallie

Hopper just smiles and is like:

Hallie (as Hopper)

You look perfect.

Tom

Alright, so Xoc is going to look at the blueprints and say:

Tom (as Xoc)

So, it looks like there are a couple of ways that we could make it up into Q-BO’s room. There’s the elevator, but it looks like that’s guarded—

[Heist-planning music resumes.]

Tom (as Xoc)

And there are a lot of traps that way. I’m--I’m just—I don’t know. It feels like that if Hopper Scotch is dealing with Lorraine while the rest of us try to get Q-BO, that requires a lot of social skills and great timing, and we are not good at those things.

Emily (as Elee)

What are you talking about? I’m great at social skills and timing.

Tom (as Xoc)

There’s also that weird looking window in the floor of Q-BO’s room. If we could somehow climb up the auction hall with no one noticing, we could enter it from beneath and get Q-BO out that way.

Ari (as Misha)

I do believe I could provide an appropriate distraction in order for you to climb this thing unnoticed.

Kyle (as Soe)

Uh, and, if you--if you ever need to fly anywhere, I’ve been practicing on my glider a little bit.

[50:00]

Kyle

And you can see that she just picks up what looks like part of the communicator she disconnected and is now holding on to.

Kyle (as Soe)

And if Mr. Hopper contacts me, I should be able to hear him.

Emily (as Elee)

That’s awesome!

Kyle

And then Loell is going to turn over to Xoc and say:

Kyle (as Loell)

I’m not going to be able to talk you out of this, am I?

Tom (as Xoc, to Loell)  

Nope.

Kyle (as Loell)

Well then, I’ll help any way I can, but what’s the plan?

[Heist planning music swells.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha and I will get into the exhibit through the front door, while Xoc and Elee sneak in with the help of the staff. I’ll pick up the outfits at the coat check and meet Xoc and Elee in the basement to give them the outfits so they blend in with the rest of the party. I’ll find a way to distract Lorraine so they can sneak into her dressing room and take the spiral staircase up into the auction house, which should be empty because the auction won’t start for about an hour. The auction house is directly below Q-BO’s room, so Xoc and Elee will find a way to get him down while Misha distracts the rest of the party on the main exhibit floor from any suspicious sounds they might hear from the closed auction house. I’ll keep Lorraine from starting the auction for as long as I can, but once she leaves I’ll meet up with Misha on the main floor and we’ll meet up with Xoc and Elee outside of the party. That sound good to everyone?

[Heist planning music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah, let’s do a pool check. I think that’s going to be the easiest way to do it. No, fuck it—you know what? Does it really matter? Is there anyone at home who is keeping track of like, oh, here’s my Quest Friends score sheet!

Tom

Some of them might!

Kyle

Okay, fine. Let’s keep track. Alright, Hallie. Give me your pools.

Hallie

I’m sorry. Hold on, I tried to copy and paste a thing, but I copy and pasted your apartment address for some reason, I don’t know why.

All

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Okay, [Laughter.] I am not going to read it out loud. Okay. I don’t know why I did that. I haven’t had that up in so long. Um, okay. Okay, I fixed it. Alright.

[END – 51:46]