Ep. 49: Crime and Courtship, Part 14

Previously on Quest Friends.

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

What's up dudes? Tonight is the Salt and Pepper Rally! I'm gonna be on the Proligarchy, which is chosen that evening in a cut-throat competition.

Kyle 

And strife has a tattoo of a small knife with a serrated blade. And the type of life it can influence is something you haven't heard of before–it's called stratic life.

Hallie 

Do you have a team with you on the ship?

Kyle 

My team is always with me, yes.

Hallie 

Hopper, like, looks around. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Cecilos has been...

Kyle (as Cecilos)

[Frightened.] Bad guy? No, no. No, I'm not–I'm not a bad guy! I'm just a–[Cecilos is cut off abruptly.]

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Kyle (as VIRGULE)

[Three school bells chime.] 

NIGHT. Day three.

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

[A drumroll.]

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to the beginning of our festivities for Prom de Plume. 

[The drumroll crescendos.]

Welcome to the Salt and Pepper Rally!

[A marching band begins to play an upbeat pep rally tune.]

Kyle 

[The song continues, muffled from distance and through the Prodigious' sturdy floors. Eventually it transitions into an eerie, gloomier tune.]

And so Simon N. Simon continues his investigation, going further into the belly of the beast in an attempt to extract information from his target. The secrets are soon to be solved, and they'll be solved with the help of his plucky assistant Seraphinia Delilah Willow Brackleberry. Alone, they were Simon N. Simon. Together, they're Simon and Sera.

[The music fades.]

Hallie 

S Squared.

Kyle 

[Laughter.]

Ari 

Esquire. 

Hallie

Hah!

Kyle

[Laughter.]

I like that! Yeah, no, that's, that's, that's better. 

[The music resumes.]

So Hop, you are back at your good ol' creepy, crackly, moldy home, the third deck. You can hear that the Salt and Pepper Rally has started. You probably are right below the gymatorium, because you can hear the music reverberating over the wall and shaking the ornaments inside of the cars that wall your pathway. 

Normally the third deck seems unintentionally creepy. It just seems like no one really cares about it. But at this part of the third deck, it seems much more deliberate. The lighting is around just long enough for you to see the shadows of the figures around you, and see the silhouettes of the Zhev that are patrolling this area, but then it goes out again and your imagination has to fill in the rest.

[The music fades.]

You are in the brig. This is where the Zhev took Cecilos and his stuffed qwhale after you had heroically captured him after a long chase. It looks like it's been impromptu built out of cars. You can see these broken-down vehicles with fogged up windows and handprints of prisoners desperately trying to get out. 

Tom

[Laughter.]

Hallie 

[Exasperatedly.] Fuck you.

Kyle 

And you and Sera are down here to...what are you down here to do? 

Hallie 

[Sheepishly.] Well, Hop feels pretty responsible for Cecilos getting arrested. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie 

Uh, since, uh, the Zhev probably... 

Kyle 

[Crosstalking.] It's just like I was the one who like, caught him or whatever.

Hallie 

Like, he didn't intend for that to happen. He certainly didn't–he didn't think the Zhev would even be around or interested. When they first came in, he thought they were there for him. He's actually really surprised that Cecilos was the one arrested after all that because he was the one who was like, who was clearly grabbing him. So uh, Hop wants to, ideally he would find some way to get Cecilos out of this car jail. He wants to at least talk to Cecilos there and apologize and try to help.

Kyle 

Okay, and I normally wouldn't ask, but after this afternoon's incident, have you informed Sera of the nature of your discussion with Cecilos? 

Hallie 

Yeah, as they, as they like approach closer to where Cecilos will be, Hop wants to just say,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sera, um, I don't exactly want to interrogate, you know? I, I mean, I want to get information...I need information and need to know what he's doing on the ship and what he's got in the qwhale, and, and just what he's here for but I...you know, I didn't want to get him arrested and I don't want to hurt him. So I just, um, I really want your help. I just want you to know what the kind of tone that I'm going for here is.

Kyle (as Sera)

Oh! [With dawning realization.] Oh. Oh, fuck.

Kyle 

And she just takes the wrench. 

Hallie

[Wheezing laugh.]

Kyle

And just sticks it in like a pocket and says, 

Kyle (as Sera)

Okay! Yes, I understand. Um, what do I put 

[00:05:00] 

in my hands? What, what would you recommend I put in my hands for this. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, well, nothing. I don't think you need anything in your hands. 

Kyle (as Sera)

Oh, okay! Fists. Got it. 

Hallie 

I mean, I wouldn't ball your hands into fists, but I guess your fists are your hands. Don't ball them into fists. Just don't...don't ball them into fists.

Kyle (as Sera)

[Uncertain.] Oh, um, okay.

Kyle 

And she just kind of like, holds her hands up for a second, not sure what to do. And she just sets them on her legs and you just keep going.

Hallie (as Hopper)

That's nice! You know, open non-threatening. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

You know, body language can really help people tell you things when you want them. You know, if you don't...I find that if you're just nice.

Kyle (as Sera)

[Indignantly.] I'm fucking nice. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Slightly panicked.] Oh, of course you are! That's, I–I just meant like, sometimes to appear open to other people you have to really think about it, you know?

Kyle (as Sera)

[Insistent.] I'm nice!

Hallie (as Hopper)

I think you're really nice. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

[A little disappointed in himself.] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything. I'm just, I'm just...I'm really, um, I'm really off right now. Sorry.

Hallie 

[Through laughter.] Slaying this romance.

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle 

Just nailing it!

Hallie 

Absolutely slaying it. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.]

Um, and you're about to be more off, Hop, because you're now approaching one of the vehicles that Cecilos is being held in, and you've sworn you've walked this path before because they've just decided to commandeer the Ladybug.

Hallie 

[Startled.] No!

Kyle 

As the place in which to hold Cecilos.

Hallie 

[Indignant.] They can't do that! Do they have a warrant? They can't do that. 

Kyle 

Well, you're gonna have to convince them that.

Hallie

[Exasperated sigh.]

Kyle

Because this is a very old-fashioned kind of, uh, interrogation and holding. So you're going to see two old-fashioned Zhev, and by old-fashioned I mean, they look like look like, ah. 

[A jazzy tune that sounds like it might be played in a seedy old saloon begins to play.] Old cops with bowler hats and they have weird metal mustaches.

Hallie 

Oh my God, like Pinkerton detectives!

Kyle 

Yeah, they're, they're like Pinkerton detectives, and even though I make it so that you can't understand what they're saying in the edit, I'm still gonna put on a terrible Pinkerton accent. And they're gonna say,

Kyle (as the Zhev guard)

[Irritated, impatient warbling.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Uncertain.] Uh, I need to talk to Inspector Cecilos, please.

Kyle (as the Zhev guard)

[Annoyed electronic warbling. It slows down at the end, filled with suspicion.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I was the one chasing him earlier actually, which I think is why you thought that he needed to be arrested and you know, thank you for doing your duty! But I just want to ascertain whether or not he should be kept down here.

Kyle (as the Zhev guard)

[High-pitched, amused techno warbling.]

Kyle 

And Sera just turns over to you,

Kyle (as Sera)

[The music fades.]

Uh, they're uh. They're, uh. They're...I think they're laughing at us. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, I think so too. [Clears throat.]

Kyle (as Sera)

Listen, Simon. Can I try something? 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, go for it. 

Kyle (as Sera)

No offense!

Kyle 

And she starts rolling over to the Zhev, and she says, 

Kyle (as Sera)

All right, listen. No offense to your nice thing, but sometimes you gotta speak their language. All right? 

[Much more up-tempo jazz music begins to play.]

[Sharply.] Hey, fuckwads!

Kyle (as the Zhev guard)

[Indignant warbling.]

Kyle (as Sera)

Yeah, you know what I want to say to you? You know what I'm saying to you? I'm saying you're getting in the way of an important investigation. All right? This guy over here? Premier detective on the ship! He basically owns your sorry asses! Meanwhile, I'm the engineer. I'm the one keeping us all in the air. Don't listen to that little globe asshole, okay? It's me! So maybe it might just be in your best favor to let us through.

[The music fades.]

Kyle 

And there's a pause and the Zhev go,

Kyle (as the Zhev guard)

[Resigned warbling.] 

Kyle 

And Sera turns over to you, smiles, and gives you a thumbs up. All right, so you make your way into the Ladybug. 

It looks like the Ladybug! It's fleshy and gross and long and has legs instead of wheels and a propeller beanie because you all created a nightmare of a vehicle. You see Cecilos, who's just kind of, he's sitting there kind of sad. And he sees you come in and he says, 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

[With a hint of desperation.] Oh, it is a pleasure to see you, accountant detective and engineer detective. I'm afraid there's been a grave misunderstanding. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

I, I agree, and Cecilos, I am so sorry. I never meant to get you arrested when I, when I–I just wanted to see what was happening. I just wanted to see what was going on, so I'm really sorry and I'm going to do my best to get you out of this. Okay? 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

[Breathless.] Oh that would, that would be very appreciated. But honestly, it's not myself that I'm concerned about getting out here. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Who are you concerned about? 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

It's very–it's very important that my package gets to its destination.

Hallie (as Hopper)

The qwhale? 

Kyle 

[A sneaky, secretive tune begins to play.]

And he leans into you, conspiratorial. 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Yes! I knew indeed that you are a very good accountant detective by the way, you were able to deduce that that was the most important item, and the one that I was thinking of in this very moment!

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Awkwardly, but kindly.] Yeah...

Hallie 

Hopper...Hopper doesn't want to be like, no, it was obvious.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie

But he also feels weird about totally accepting the compliment because it was obvious. So yeah, he'll awkwardly accept it.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Um, where was its destination?

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Its destination was not far–just a minor major metropolitan area of Glavis, and it is very, very important that it gets there by tomorrow evening. Otherwise, it'll be much too late. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Why does it need to get to Glavis by then? 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Well, it is, uh...my team will just be very dreadfully upset with me if it isn't.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You've mentioned your team before. Are they waiting for you in Glavis? 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

[Excitedly.] Yes. Yes. Yes! They've been waiting for a very long time and I, and I promised them that this was going to be my last investigation before I was back there for good [00:10:00]

[The music fades.]

Kyle 

And then he's just kind of, look a little sheepish. 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

I, I beat around the bush because I'm not the greatest singer, but the qwhale has stories and songs for my son. He's four years old tomorrow 

Hallie

[A gentle, tinkling lullaby begins to play.]

Hopper will, extremely surprised by that, go,

Hallie (as Hopper)

It's just a gift for your son?

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Well, yes, it is a gift for my son. But as my husband would be quick to remind both of us, it's not just a gift for my son. A gift for my son is the most important thing in the whole wide world!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to belittle it. I just meant...you seemed so secretive about it that I thought it was something dangerous or illicit. 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

[A little amused.] Oh, no, no, no, not at all. I just know that, well, Qi doesn't really like messages being sent out and the qwhales I was training to deliver the messages were just particularly not good at following directions, or flying at all. And so I was just a little embarrassed about the whole thing, and I just...I just don't want to fail little Kevin.

Ari 

[In a dangerously flat tone.] Kevin. 

Kyle 

[With barely restrained glee.] His son's name is Kevin.

Tom 

[Flatly.] Fucking.

Kyle 

[Audibly delighted.] Cecilos' son's name...

Tom 

[Strained.] Kevin. 

Kyle 

Is Kevin!

Ari

[Heaves out a breath.]

Kyle

Let it all out Ari.

Ari 

[Pained.] Why are you like this?! Ohhhh no!

Kyle 

For anyone who's not familiar...

Ari 

[Crosstalking.] Why are you like this!!

Kyle 

Kevin is the primary antagonist of Welcome to Night Vale.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And a creepy motherfucker!

Emily

[Laughter.]

Ari 

But also I've had that  theory before! That's my theory, because time is weird in Night Vale and my theory is that Kevin is the adopted son of Cecil and Carlos! That's not even a thing. A thing that I actually think of and it distresses me a lot!

[Laughter from the party.]

[Ari lets out a frustrated noise.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, is that why you were up by the relay? You were trying to train the qwhales? 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Yes. Yes. Yes! I was trying to train the qwhales. Unfortunately, my skills relate more to listening then they do to discussing. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Can I ask you why you're investigating this specific ship, at this specific time? 

Kyle (as Cecilos)

I'm an inspector! Investigating this ship because I had a hunch. There's nothing in my life, when it comes to matters of great personal importance, that have mattered more than a hunch. A hunch is what I used when I found my husband. A hunch is what I used when I started the investigation business. A hunch is what I used when we decided to adopt our son, and it's that hunch above all the other hunches that makes me so confident in them. 

My son will be turning four tomorrow, and while he may only be young he's still so extraordinarily exceptional.

Kyle 

[Moody music begins to play–it's full of emotion and tugs at your heartstrings.]

And Cecilos continues to go on for a while about his son, and you hear the things he thinks he says, but more importantly, like a hunch you feel them, because there's something so exceptionally familiar about the things that he's saying, and because of that, you don't hear what he says in his voice. 

You hear them in your fathers'. 

Kyle (as Dad Alvin)

He's just so bright and talented and he has this investigative spirit!

Kyle (as Dad Theo)

[Wryly.] It's a bit obtrusive. It causes all sorts of headaches. The kid got me arrested once!

Kyle (as Dad Alvin)

There's just so much energy and passion and his books! I can't keep up with them, and I can keep up with everything.

Kyle (as Dad Theo)

Not everything.

Kyle (as Dad Alvin)

[Saucily.] I can keep up with most things! 

[Gentler.] But there's something about the way he thinks, and the way he moves, and his enthusiasm. That's unparalleled. 

Kyle (as Dad Theo)

I can't pretend to understand my son. I don't think anyone can. But I do know this if anyone...anyone doubted him for even one second, then they're a damn fool.

Emily

[Softly.] My heart!

Hallie 

Hop is left a little bit stunned by all of this. He will let Cecilos ramble about his son for as long as Cecilos would like, and then at the end, um, Hop will just say,

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Hop's voice is tight like he's trying not to cry.] It sounds like he's a real special kid. I'm gonna make sure he gets your present. Okay? 

[The music fades.]

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. I, I do not have words to appreciate how much I expect–how much I appreciate you, accountant detective. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Um, I'm gonna roll a general, like...I was gonna roll a truth roll, and then you had the really emotional stuff about his son. So I don't necessarily want to roll like, a see through deception about that kind of stuff, but.

Kyle 

[Interrupting.] You don't gotta roll for that.

Ari 

[Delighted.] Oh, yes!

Kyle 

Cecilos is off the suspect list. 

Hallie 

Alright, so Hopper is going to like extend his hand, hesitates for like a second to perform the roll, if you will, that I don't need to perform, but thinking about it, and then he follows his hunch and he extends his hand to Cecilos and says, 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Warmly.] Thank you for everything, and I look forward to working with you. 

Kyle 

He grabs your hand and he shakes it is so excitedly that your teeth just start chattering, like, almost like in a cartoon.

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Thank you, accountant detective. It, it, it, it means–it means the world to have someone so exceptional on my side.

Kyle 

And, uh, you have, assuming you keep 

[00:15:00] 

your promise, five heart points with Inspector Cecilos. 

Hallie 

Fuck yeah. Uh, yeah, I am. The rest of the night is going to be Hop spent down there engaging in whatever bureaucracy/threats from Sera need to be carried out to see, to see these tasks through.

Kyle 

[The wind howls.]

You and Sera are now up on the top of the Prodigious. It's night time, but you can see in the moonlight the clouds as the wind blows around you. And it's just very peaceful. And you're up here, and you hear the little...I don't know what sounds qwhales make. Are they just deep lazy, like, bird sounds?

Hallie 

I've been imagining like, bird sounds but from a whale, like.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie

[Unsettling gurgling.] 

[Normal voice.] Like, coo coo! But...deeper.

[An octave lower.] Coo coo.

Kyle 

It's that one orb from Puyo Puyo Tetris that goes 'goo goo'! No, that's, that's Carby.

Hallie 

Coo-coo!

Ari 

Oh, I hate that thing. 

Hallie 

I still don't know what they are! I've played this game for a while. No one has been like, this is Carby, my pet. I don't know why only two people have pets. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.]

Anyways, you've recovered Cecilos' stuffed qwhale, which sure enough if you play it will play just cute messages and songs. How are you going to get this, in a single day, to Ancuan, which is–I don't have the map by me but it's a pretty far ways away. 

Hallie 

Okay.

[Very seriously.] Do I have access to balloons.

Tom

[Huffing laughter.]

Ari 

[Startled.] What.

Hallie 

I want to "Up" balloon it to the place it needs to be.

Tom 

You're just gonna send a balloon to the wind and hope that it goes to that address?

Hallie 

No! I am gonna argue there's technology in the Ninth World that would allow me to do this. We have self mailing mail, is the thing!

Kyle 

Okay, okay. No, that's, that's fair. That's fair.  

Hallie 

And the, and the postal system seems like something Hop would at least be familiar with. I imagine he got care packages and like, sent them out, and like, he went here. His dads probably sent him...not grits because those wouldn't be good in a care package, but something.

And he's really good at packing things! So it's very safely packed, immaculately taped. A lot of like, fragile! Be careful! Stickers on it, and then he just ties it to balloons and uses the self mailing mail technology to send it safely into the sky. 

Kyle 

Okay. [Laughter.] I'll buy that. You mail it into the sky using balloons. 

Hallie 

Yeah!

Kyle 

And within seconds, a, uh, a bird flies through the air.

Hallie 

[Slightly frantic.] Kyle, no–

Kyle 

And just pops all the balloons.

Hallie 

[Crosstalking.] I fuckin' jump off and save it! [Laughter.] No!

Kyle 

And the package starts to fall, but luckily Sera likes adding rockets to everything, so out of the side of the package, two rockets...

[The sound of gears churning as rockets extend.] Just emerge and it just jet propels itself...[A loud woosh.] Off into the distance, and makes just a nice little rainbow-like arc as it does.

Hallie (as Hopper)

The rockets were a good touch.

Hallie 

Hopper will tell Sera. 

Kyle (as Sera)

Thanks!

Kyle 

And then Sera, who's been kind of looking at you all night, turns to you and says, 

Kyle (as Sera)

Hey, uh, are you all right? 

Hallie (as Hopper)

I'm better than I've been in a while actually. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing okay. Uh, why? 

Kyle (as Sera)

Oh, nothing at all. You just seem kind of...off the past couple of hours. [Quickly correcting herself.] Not like a, not like a bad off! I'm not...I'm not saying you being happy is bad. 

[Laughter from the party.]

No, that's not what I'm saying! No, it's just like...

Hallie

[Through laughter.] Sera only knows Hopper sad so Hopper happy is really off to her, oh my God.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, I just, I just had...I've got kind of, kind of...kind of a bad day before my friends and I got on the Prodigious, but it's um, I'm sorry, I, you don't need to hear all this. 

Kyle (as Sera)

Yeah, I don't need to hear about it.

[A pause.]

Doesn't mean I don't want to.

Hallie 

Hop will softly smile and then kind of lean back against the railing. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Wistful piano music begins to play.]

You know, I just...this whole investigation thing, I guess...when, when I was a kid, I did some of that in my town and it was the first time I really felt like me, you know? And then that's why I kept doing it. 

But I got my friends into a lot of trouble a few days ago. And I started calling myself Hopper because I liked it and it felt good and it felt right, but then it just stopped feeling that way because the person who first called me that stopped calling me that. And you know, if I can't...if I can't...if I'm not Hopper to her, then I'm Hopper to no one. You know? I, I certainly didn't deserve the name after that. But I um, I um, I think maybe that's okay?

Kyle (as Sera)

Well, from my experience, people are going to call you what people are going to call you. You don't really deserve or not deserve any of that. It's just what they call you. And that doesn't make your name. I don't mean to brag a bit, but I'm a bit of a name expert. I did choose three of them.

And you can change what you want to call yourself as much as you want. You can change day by day and that's okay. Only thing that matters is what you want, because honestly regardless of what you decide? I'm gonna like you all the same.

Kyle 

And you now have five heart points with Sera.

[00:20:00] 

[The piano music swells into something sweet and hopeful.]

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

Hello and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, Episode 49, Crime and Courtship part 14. I am Kyle, your GM, and our, our intro and outro songs are "Friends" and "Hitoshio," both by Miracle of Sound. We got a pretty fun announcement for you today, but before we get to that, I just want to talk a little bit about audio and the quality there of.

So something you're going to notice this episode and next episode is that Ari's audio is a little funky. Essentially, we lost the original recording, so we had to use the Zoom back ups, which while containing basically everything she said are just a little bit lower quality than our audio normally is. 

So similarly, you might have noticed that my mic has, uh, a few crackles, a little, a little crackles that appear from time to time. I've tried to minimize them from most of my lines, but there were a few lines that were too important to remove and I couldn't really get rid of the crackle sound so you'll notice it a few times. So if you hear like a, tick tick tick tick tick, it's not you, it's not your computer or iPhone or whatever you're listening on. It's just a little quirk of my mic.

But you're not here to hear me apologize! You're here to hear me talk about stuff, and I got a pretty big stuff I want to mention today. So over the past couple of months, Hallie from Quest Friends, this show, has been working on a different podcast called Catching Up David! And while I wasn't able to get Hallie on the air for like an interview during this announcement break, we were able to send out one of our top reporters to learn more about this new show! 

[A slightly dad-rocky tune begins to play.] 

Check it out.

Hallie (as Ness)

[The music ends.]

Hey, I'm Ness with Quest Friends! Today I'm with...what's your name? 

Kristen (from Catching Up David)

Kristen. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Kirsten?

Kristen

Kristen.

Hallie (as Ness)

All right, I'm here with Christina of Catching Up David, but your name is not David. 

Kristen 

That's my middle name. 

Hallie (as Ness)

It is?!

Kristen

No!

Hallie (as Ness)

Are we catching you up? 

Kristen

[Frustrated.] No, I actually know things! Me and my nemesis Hallie are actually catching up our friend David, who missed a lot of like, early 2000s and through now pop culture, TV, movies, et cetera. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Well, how'd that happen? 

Kristen

We don't know. 

Hallie (as Ness)

So are you going to find out why that happened, or...

Kristen

[Thoughtful.] I don't think we'll ever find out why it happened. But at least we're catching him up and trying to make our way through all the movies, and then we talk about it. 

[The dad-rocky music begins again; a chill guitar melody.] 

Hallie (as Ness)

I get it! Catching Up David!

Kristen

Catching Up David. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Where can we find Catching Up David? 

Kristen

You can find us on Twitter at CatchingUpDavid, or at CatchingUpDavid.Podbean.com.

Hallie (as Ness)

Wow, that's really easy–it's just the name of the podcast. 

Kristen

Super simple!

Hallie (as Ness)

In different search engines. When does Catching Up David come out?

Kristen

Every two weeks on Wednesdays!

Hallie (as Ness)

Wow, that sounds like a really easy thing to remember. Every two weeks on Wednesdays! Catching Up David. All right. Thanks, I guess Christina. 

Kristen

You're welcome, I guess, Ned. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[A beat.]

Fuck you!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[The music fades.]

So yeah, that's Catching Up David! If you're interested, you can check out CatchingUpDavid.Podbean.com, and if you aren't able to remember that link or you don't want to type it out, you can find a link to it below. That's all the big stuff I've got for you today! For anyone who's a little bit hesitant about Game of Thrones spoilers, we have a whole bunch in the post-credits sequence, but there's not much important besides that so you're not going to miss anything if you don't listen. 

Something you definitely will want to check out, however, is our 50th episode which will be releasing in two weeks on Monday, December 2nd. 

[Cheery, upbeat music with a festive cymbal rhythm plays.] 

And I'll see you then!

Kyle

[00:24:04] [The music ends.]

[Sing-songing.] All right! Time for Ari to be the coolest kid in the schoo-ooh-ool.

Tom

Misha Jarvis skateboards in to the gymatorium.

[Laughter from the party.]

Shredding off the like, the bleachers, and the breach–the bleacher railing. 

Hallie

How does–yeah, the "how do you do fellow kids," except Misha somehow makes that cool. 

Kyle 

Alright, so we're going to flash back in time to actually the same moment when Hop and Sera were going to Cecilos, and the Salt and Pepper Rally began.

[A tape clicks into place in a cassette player, and there's the shrill sound of it rewinding. It stops and there's one more button click.]

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

[Over a drumroll.]

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to the beginning of our festivities for Prom de Plume. Welcome to the Salt and Pepper Rally!

[A marching band begins to play an enthusiastic, upbeat tune.]

[00:25:00] 

The Salt and Pepper Rally is like a pep rally. It is the big celebration before Prom de Plume, and it takes place in the same space: the gymatorium. The entire school is here. You have professors like Goldstone and Rei and Mayra, you have students like Jesse and, I mean Vespari's not a student but I'm going to lump him in with everyone else.

Notably, Everett is not here. And you have all of you as well! You're sitting here watching a performance, and in fact, Jebediah is about to say,

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

And now, the dance class will perform their dance to the tune of...

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

And, uh, Professor Badge. You're the head of the band class. 

Emily 

[Flatly.] What?

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Emily

[Increasingly pained.] No. No! What?! No! know? 

Kyle 

What is the band class playing for the dance troupe?

Emily

[Strained.] I didn't teach them anything!

Kyle

[Clears his throat.]

Emily

[Slowly.] Uhh...they're playing..."We Will Sock You." 

[A loud snort from the party.]

A song about socks. 

Kyle 

Uh, can you, can you, can you sing us–

Emily 

[Crosstalking.] Nooo.

Kyle

A little bit of the melody? 

Emily

[Faintly.] No.

Kyle

Just a little bit. Just a tad. 

Emily 

[Almost whispering.] I don't actually remember the tune of "We Will Rock You." 

Tom

[Making a tchu-tchu-tchu sound in the rhythm of the "We Will Rock You" opening beat. Tchu-tchu TCHU.]

Hallie

[Singing along with Tom.] We will, we will, neh-neh.

Kyle

It's a billion years, the song could have changed.

Tom

[Begins "do-do-do"ing the main melody.]

Emily

Oh yeah, the...

Kyle

[Crosstalking.] Everyone, before Emily starts.

[The party begins clapping and banging the rhythm on the table. Soon everyone is doing the tchu-tchu TCHU.]

Kyle

Come on Emily!

Emily

Oh, no, that was the part I was telling you! That's the part I...that I was showing you.

Kyle

[Laughter.] Oh, okay. So the band is literally just playing the same note.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Tom

Oh, no!

Kyle

Like that fucking terrible solo that Ari shared.

Ari

It's the meme!

Kyle

And it's just, [Kyle makes the tchu-tchu TCHU sound.] 

Emily

And then the cymbals are crashing and there's a lot of triangle, and a little bit of cowbell.

[Laughter from the party.]

And Meeghan's playing random notes on her tuba, and everyone's like, oh my gosh, save us.

Tom

Everyone's just freestyling!

Emily

Yeah, yeah, yeah–no! The one thing that Emily did tell her student a lot was that improvising is great.

Kyle

It's true, but she didn't teach them how to improvise. 

Emily

No.

Kyle

So they're all doing their solo at the exact same time. 

Emily

Yeah, they're...it's, it's a jam session.

Kyle

I don't think that's called a jam session, Emily. I think that's called noise. 

Emily

[Faint laughter.]

Anyways, I'm sure Misha finds it delightful. 

Ari

Oh, yeah, they're taking their kazoo and like playing along with it.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

So Misha's sitting there playing, uh, their kazoo alongside it. You're in the crowd. There's bleachers, but also people are filtering in, it's the very beginning, so you can be up in the bleachers or just milling around. Misha's out there, Xoc's out there and then Hallie, did Ness ever join them, back up with them again? 

Hallie

[Thinking for a moment.] No. 

Kyle

Okay. Sounds good. So it's just Misha and Xoc right now.

Tom

Before we start, I have one important question, because I'm figuring things out as we go. Is it okay if Xoc has somehow acquired a small item of no great significance in between when we were last on screen and, and now? 

Kyle

Yes, Would it have cost you money?

Tom

Not if I can borrow it from another character. Let me, let me just message it to you directly. I apologize. Let me, just let me just send this to you. 

Ari 

Ah, I don't know. I'm debating if Misha notices this or if they are too like, enraptured in the...

Emily

[Crosstalking.] Elee has given her students a thumbs-up. She knows it's bad, but you know what? This is what teachers do, right? 

Kyle 

Um, yes. Without going in more detail, yeah. You got it. 

Tom 

Okay. In that case, Xoc is standing next to Misha, fidgeting a little bit. Just like, holding his his arms folded together in front of him, like, sort of, sort of pinching his arm a little bit? Not like enough to hurt, just like, messing around with it, covering a pouch at his belt. 

Ari

[Uncertain.] Um...

Tom

No, let's focus on the music. Let's focus on the music. Don't, don't worry about it. 

Ari

Okay. 

Tom

Xoc is just going to say, um,

Tom (as Xoc)

I must admit. This is very, very different from the music that you have played Misha Jarvis. I wasn't aware that Elee Badge knew all this to teach these students how to do that. 

Ari (as Misha) 

I think it was really impressive. I really enjoyed this new song, and I will add it to my repertoire of songs for later.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Sunny)

Ooohh, yes, it is a very unique sound. A dreadful sound! [Sounding oddly excited about not liking it.] I hate it so much! Please, please mark that down Mayra!

Kyle 

[The slightly old-fashioned, spooky music that marks Sunny's presence begins to play.]

And you can see Sunny and Mayra are sat behind you. Mayra has a notepad and that's scribbled with notes, and she flips it over and she just writes down "Sunny hates music."

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And you can see it's just a list of things that they like and dislike.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And she just flips through and she's like, 

Kyle (as Mayra Frankmanning the Fourth)

Yes, that's another thing! I hate that too. That's such an interesting fact to learn!

Kyle 

And she scribbles down for herself as well. It looks like they've decided to 

[00:30:00] 

take their experimentation of relearning themselves together on the road and gone to the Salt and Pepper Rally. You can see that Sunny has these thin pink lines kind of spiraling all through her gaseous body, and you're confused at first until you see on the notepad that one of her likes is cotton candy.

Tom

[The music fades.]

Aww! Xoc just smiles a little bit and, like, gives them what he hopes is an encouraging nod and, like, looks back out of a stage occasionally like, glancing nervously over to the side at Misha to see what they're doing. Like...

Ari 

[Wryly.] Okay.

Tom

Xoc appears to be to be building up courage, if anyone were to look a little closely. 

Ari

[Amused.] Misha is bad at picking up cues and other things, so they are–if things are going on around them, they're interested in that. Like, you, there's still music and stuff going on, they're really excited about that. 

Kyle 

In that case the Salt and Pepper Rally continues. There are more performances, some speeches by students, and at one point the lights start to dim and you hear, uh, VIRGULE over the intercoms say,

Kyle (as VIRGULE)

All right, all right, shut up! Nope! Hey. Shut up! The show is about to start! Shhhhhhhh.

Kyle 

And you can see to smoke machines on the sides of kind of the main area start to shoot out. And a lot like, you know, those fountain projectors that were like TVs? Now, the smoke itself is taking the form of these projections from the smoke machines. And a presenter says,

Kyle (as the presenter)

[Bright, cheerful music begins to play; the kind of upbeat jingle that accompanies feel-good television ads for weird products.]

JET.CO presents the Salt and Pepper Pageant, brought to you by JET.CO, and celebrating the JET.CO Prom de Plume, sponsored by JET.CO!  Remember to check your JET.CO brand WingPal for a free coupon for a prom outfit for Prom de Plume. It's free!

Kyle

And then a disclaimer quickly goes,

Kyle (as the announcer)

[Speaking very fast.] Free does not actually mean free. Free represents part of the tuition and includes that budget with parts of your soul and five years' work for JET.CO.

Kyle

And then a full advertisement plays and goes away. But, but the gist of the advertisement is that you all will be able to have prom outfits, and if you want to find some alternate means of putting it together you can. 

[The music fades.]

But the main method for getting them is by entering in whatever you want in your Wing Pal, and then it will be delivered in a nondescript box tomorrow morning, Amazoned to your house.

Tom

Dad Theo appears with, a, a shotgun and a dead drone. 

[Laughter from the party.]

Tom (as Dad Theo)

This was delivered to my son. Apparently, they found something on my husband's computer. 

Kyle

Anyways, after that students, start to excitedly talking you hear the beep-boop of the Wing Pal, and VIRGULE just goes,

Kyle (as VIRGULE)

Hey, hey! What did I say! The show just started, keep your mouths shut!

Emily (as Elee)

I do what I want, VIRGULE!

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[Laughter.]

And he's about to yell back. But you hear, 

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

VIRGULE, VIRGULE. Please. This is a happy time! 

Kyle 

And then Vera's voice joins in.

Kyle (as Vera)

Yes, it is. Because it's time for the Salt and Pepper Pageant!

Kyle 

[Upbeat but slightly intense music begins to play; it sounds like the opening to a gameshow or a sporting event.]

And the lights go back up again, and you hear some peppy music and, uh, the lights–there are two lights that go, and they focus in on the stage and you see in the booth Jebediah Ishmael and Vera Layeni have appeared on screen, as they're on the stage and emceeing the Salt and Pepper Rally. 

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

So the Salt and Pepper Rally, as you all know, is our most important tradition as it determines the rulers of the school–the three members of the Prom de Plume oligarchy. Or, more succinctly put, the Proligarchy. 

Kyle (as Vera)

Yes, the members of the Proligarchy will have access to unlimited, indescribable prestige and power within the school itself, all anointed to them upon the moment of receiving their Global Chromes.

[The music ends.]

Tom

[Faintly.] Global Chromes. 

Kyle (as Vera)

Their Global Crowns. 

Tom

It's too late now! 

Hallie

[Through laughter.] Like the chrome wheel atop your head. 

Kyle

They're Google Chromes!

Tom

Not Google Chrome, they're just, they're just made of chrome. They're chrome circlets. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom

Just fucking, fucking edit that in right now, it's canon now.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

Would all contestants please assemble to the back of the stage. 

Kyle 

And yeah, so do either of you want to take your shot at being a part of the Proligarchy?

Ari

I guess I am? So I am.

Tom

I feel like Xoc does not intend to seriously win this but Xoc is excited in, like, being up there to support and Misha also, and joins them, as in like, yeah. 

Tom (as Xoc)

Yeah. I'll be here!

Ari (as Misha) 

This sounds like a fun endeavor, Xoc. I think we will have a good time here. 

Tom (as Xoc)

I agree. This will be fun, and maybe we'll learn something interesting. Perhaps, uh, perhaps the Jagged Dream will tip their hand.

Ari (as Misha) 

I have a hard time visualizing how they will tip their hand? I did not know it was removable in any sort of way. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Human appendages are really quite flexible. Also, I learned it from a book I read. We're going to force them to reveal their hidden plans.
[00:35:00]

Ari (as Misha) 

Oh...oh! That is quite an interesting thing. It makes no sense.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[Through laughter.] So you make your way back. You can see it's, uh, just a bunch of aneens going for the Proligarchy, probably about a dozen. You also recognize,

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

Hey, Xoc, buddy, and Xoc's pal. It's great to see you're going for the Proligarchy!

Kyle 

And he goes to high five your hand. 

Tom

Xoc hesitantly, like, reaches out to high five him.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Slightly nervous stammering.]

Kyle 

He high fives you, grabs your hands, and pulls you both in.

[Dramatic, threatening music begins to play.]

And just says,

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

All right. We all know that two of those spots are going to the aneens. 

[A huff of laughter from the party.]

There's one spot left between the three of us. Don't get in my fucking way!

Kyle 

[The music stops.]

And he pushes you back and smiles and walks ahead in line. 

Ari (as Misha) 

I did not know this was such an important event for Sir Kentrim I will...just do my best, I suppose. 

Tom (as Xoc)

Yeah, if we do our best then only good things can come right? 

Kyle

[Slightly threatening laugh.] 

[Jazzier, more light-hearted music begins to play.] 

So, this is what's–how the Salt and Pepper Rally is going to work. The, sorry, the Salt and Pepper Pageant. There are going to be three rounds of performances. Each one will give you opportunity to score points. At the end you are going to roll, and the more points you have the better chance you have of getting on the Proligarchy. And since this is basically an emceed talent show, every section must start with a stilted joke skit or pun. So before your first round, which is going to be a Q&A session, you're just going to hear from the stage in front of you,

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

Did you hear about the pepper that was attacked in the park?

Kyle 

And Vera will say, 

Kyle (as Vera)

[The music fades.]

No, that sounds dreadfully dangerous. 

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

Yes. It was. They were assaulted.

[An awkward pause.]

And then there's just this pause, and you just hear some like...

Tom

Just some coughing from the bleachers. 

Hallie

Some coughs, yeah. [Coughs awkwardly.] 

Emily (as Elee)

[Loudly.] Booooo!

Ari

Oh, boy.

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

And now for the first part of our...

Kyle 

Jebediah's just happy someone acknowledged him. 

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

And now for the first part of the performance, the Q&A session.

Kyle 

And so what's going to happen is you're all going to get up in line, and an NPC is going to ask you a question and basically depending on your response, they'll either give you a point or lose you a point. So a few of them come up, you hear a lot of, 

Kyle (as several aneens)

Aneen...aneen! Aneen! Aneen-aneen. 

Kyle 

It's like, just a bunch of aneens in a row. Finally we get to Sir Kentrim, and you see, uh, you hear this sweet voice asked a very important question.

Kyle (as Soe)

Uh, Sir Kentrim, Esquire, I have heard lots of reports of the school just not being openly accessible for everyone who needs to be a part of it. What would you do to make this place a more accessible place for everyone, especially those who might turn invisible without others knowing about it?

Kyle 

And you can see Soe just sitting there asking the question.

Emily

[Faint proud cooing noise.]

Kyle

And Sir Kentrim responds and says,

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

Yes, the students here are very important to me, and I think that listening to their needs and making decisions based off those needs and pecs is the successful way forward. 

[Pause.]

I am very smart.

[Laughter from the party.]

And the crowd just fucking, even though he said nothing just starts applauding him and he gets a point.

Hallie

I was gonna say, what a fucking politician answer. There's no hope at Qi.

Kyle

Uh, the next one comes up to, uh, to Misha. And Misha...yeah. Fuck it. This is gonna be fun. So Misha, you see this woman in a blue Tinkerbell outfit and sewn lips walk up to the mic and the Blue Fairy just puts the microphone up to her face and stares at you. 

Ari

[Faintly.] God.

Kyle

What is your response? 

[Low dramatic music that has a very "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" feeling begins to play.] 

Ari

My response? Ahhh....um. 

Ari (as Misha) 

My response?

Ari 

Let me think what Misha says. So there's no question, it's just she's staring at me. Um, Okay. Misha will say...

[Slight metallic clattering like someone knocked some dice over.]

Um, oh, I rolled it. Misha will say,

Ari (as Misha) 

Oh, my answer would be blue! Is my answer.

[The music swells, then stops.]

Kyle

She nods. Get a point. 

[Several seconds of cheerful applause.] 

So the next one is a GM intrusion Ari doesn't get a point for. Ari, two episodes ago, was gonna have a GM intrusion related to the fact that Goldstone really likes them. And since Goldstone really likes them, he's gonna try the sabotage Misha's competition. So Xoc, Goldstone walks up to ask you a question. 

Kyle (as Professor Garry Goldstone)

[Bagpipes begin to play.]

[00:40:00] 

Well now here son, I just have a very important question! I think humility is the most important thing of all, even for great, great men!

Kyle 

And he's pointing to himself without thinking about it. 

Kyle (as Professor Garry Goldstone)

So I just want to know what is the absolute worst thing you've done, and we have lie detector tests that can call you out on that!

Tom (as Xoc)  

I'm sorry. Did you say that, that you're detecting whether it's a lie right now? Do you have Nano powers? 

Kyle (as Professor Garry Goldstone)

[Exasperated.] This is the time for me to ask questions. Not you!

Tom (as Xoc)

[The bagpipes fade, and Xoc and Misha's gentle, melancholy song begins to play.]

I...I think one of the worst things I did was not...well, it was running off without my friends in a really dangerous situation. I should have respected their feelings more. 

[Sheepishly.] Uh, that's, that's why you should all vote for Misha Jarvis, thank you!

[The music fades into several seconds of applause.]

Tom 

Xoc attempts to like, flee back into the, into the line.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Tom

Where the contestants go as they leave.

Kyle

Uh, Misha, take another point. 

Ari

[Startled.] Okay!

Tom

Ohhh, it worked!

Kyle

Xoc is at negative points now.

Ari

I want Misha to mentally tell to Xoc,

Ari (as Misha) 

[Sounding a little uncertain.] You did not need to do that Xoc! I am, I am very pleased of you rooting for me in this competition. 

Tom (as Xoc)

No, I still wanted to do it. And you have the best chance of winning anyway!

Ari (as Misha) 

Thank you. I think you also have a good chance. 

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Tom

Misha lies!

[Laughter from the party.]

Ari

Nooo! Misha thinks that!

Kyle

Uh, following that up. It's time for another terrible joke!

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

[An oddly serious song with a heavy brass line begins to play.]

That reminds me of an important life lesson I've learned. Why are trees the most fickle friends? 

Kyle (as Vera)

Well, I don't know! Why are trees most fickle friends?

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

Because they always leaf. 

Tom

Ba-dump, tish. And the cymbal just echoes away.

Kyle

And then actually you just hear,

Kyle (as VIRGULE)

[The music fades.]

Ughhh, next round please!

Kyle 

As the cameras just kind of vibrate in frustration. And Vera nods and says, 

Kyle (as Vera)

That is correct. Our next segment is the talent portion!

Kyle 

So the first one, we have a bunch of aneens that go up. One does stand-up comedy. Aneens: fun fact, when they speak, ah, what we would understand as English just sound like Jerry Seinfeld crossed with Waluigi. So it's a very interesting set. 

But then Sir Kentrim gets up. He is just, he's just flexing, mostly, while repeating–

[Intense, fast-paced, slightly stressful music begins to play.]

No, he's adding an increasing number of pies to a stack that he's holding on to show his strength while repeating all of the numbers of pi to show his intelligence. 

Tom

Does he occasionally drop down into like a one-handed push-up also? 

Kyle

Absolutely.

Hallie and Tom

[When Kyle says "abs."] Eyyyy!

Tom

Is it a good or bad abs pic? 

Hallie

We'll never know. 

Kyle

It's always bad abs pic.

Tom

When you flex so hard you're lactating, then yes. 

Ari

Nooooooo! Don't say that again!

Emily (as Elee)

[Loudly.] Booooo! Vote for Misha!

Kyle

Anyways much like the pies and with milk, the crowd eats it up. 

[Distraught groaning from the party.]

It is now Misha's turn. Misha, what are you gonna do for your talent? You get out on stage, the cameras train themselves on you. 

Ari

Well, you know what I'm gonna do! The thing is I always have it with me here, but I didn't bring it with–like, it's back out. But Misha would play their kazoo.

Kyle

Can I, can I suggest something? 

Ari

Yeah. 

Kyle

I want to suggest that Misha tries to replicate the song they had just said they were going to learn from the band. 

Ari

No, I was thinking that actually. Yeah, I think that's, that's fine. 

[Intense pretend kazoo noises. Zoo-zoo-zoo, zoot-zoot-zoo-zoo.] 

Kyle

Although Ari, can you grab your kazoo quick? 

Ari

Yeah. Yeah, just one second.

[Intense, actual humming kazoo noises in the same rhythm. It gets thrown off as Ari starts laughing into the kazoo.]

Emily

It gets progressively more delightful as you start laughing more because you can hear the laughter a little bit in the kazoo blurts. 

Kyle

Okay. So for this one Ari, I am going to have you roll to see how successful you are. You can choose any dice that has an even amount, because basically if it's in the upper half of the dice, it's a success, if it's in the lower half it'll be a failure.

Ari

Well, you know, I guess I'll do the twenty because I already have it here. Uh...[Dice roll.]

[Gleeful.] A twenty!

Tom

Oohhhhhhh!

[Celebratory cheers from the party.]

Tom

Who could have seen this coming?

Hallie

How unforseen! 

Kyle

So.

Hallie

Wow!

Kyle

What do you want your benefit to be? You can either get two points or something else. 

Ari

I want my benefit to be to have one point to Xoc somehow. Like, I want, maybe...

Tom

No, don't Gift of the Magi me. What are you doing? 

Ari

Like, signal for Xoc to come along, and like, for him to be part of, of Misha's solo as they are playing, like.

Tom

Oh!

Ari (as Misha) 

Come on Xoc! You can come too. 

[00:45:00] 

I would like you to be part of this!

Ari

And Xoc just like, does some dance or something.

Ari (as Misha) 

I want you to get a point as well!

Tom

Should I just come out and do my, my routine also while the solo is going on? 

Kyle

You can, otherwise it can just be a, like you're too nervous, but they, they're on, they're still on such a fucking high from Misha's performance that you get a point anyway.

Ari

Or it can be Xoc like, really quickly farstepping in front. Like, eyyy! At the end, jazz hands. 

Tom

[A sweet, romantic piano tune reminiscent of a tune about seasons begins to play.]

Look. Look. This is how I want it to happen.

Xoc sees Misha beckon him on, onto the stage to, to join into the solo, and if we could see through Xoc's eyes, it would be like that sparkly anime vision, like that slow motion hair moving as Misha turns. Ah, that sort of thing, you know. And then Xoc will nervously rush out onto the stage and this, this is his moment. 

Xoc whips out cards from Vespari from earlier and is going to perform fucking magic tricks–

[The romantic tune abruptly turns into more whimsical accordion music.] 

With my specialized sleight-of-hand skill that I've been–I've had for so long! I'm trained, since the beginning of the campaign, to be good at magic tricks!

Emily

This is not what I thought you were talking about in the moment–

Kyle

A single–

Emily

[Crosstalking.] But I'm so excited!

Kyle

A single tear rolls down Vespari's cheek, then two, and then he just starts, as, like, as the performance happens we hear the, 

[Intense kazoo noises.]

You see the magic of the performance, you hear the crowd just fucking eating it up, and then you just hear in the background, 

Kyle (as the Great Vespari)

[Crying intensely.] Gyah-hah-hah! Gyah-hah-hah-hah! Wah-hah-hah!

Kyle

As Vespari is just sobbing in joy and pride at both you, but also that someone as cool as you as using his magic. Y'all, y'all get two points.

It's, fuck it. I'm generous. Xoc is up to one point overall. Misha's up to four, the crowd loves it, they're applauding as you go back behind the stage, and the applauding starts to fade out and filter down to just a single,

[Slow, echoing, dramatic clapping.]

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

[The eerie, unnerving music of the Jagged Dream begins to play.]

Well, well, well. That was a pretty chill performance...from a murderer!

Ari

[Extremely confused.] Uhhh–

Kyle

And he looks you in the eyes, Misha. 

Tom

I'm sorry, what?!

Ari

M-Misha is just speechless that they just stare. 

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

I've been talking to teach after class lately, you know? And she's told me things...very interesting things that you've done.

Ari

Misha is still like, really taken aback, and they just, they're going to take a step back. 

Tom

Xoc is going to step in between the two of them meet, meet Sir Kentrim's eyes, and say, 

Tom (as Xoc)

[With quiet fury.] You are not going to talk to Misha Jarvis again. Understood?

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

Listen, friend. I'm just looking out for the school's best interests. 

Tom (as Xoc)

Don't you dare threaten them ever again. 

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

I'm not threatening. I'm warning. And not them, that I'm gonna do anything. I'm scared of them. 

Ari

Misha is just, they just don't know what to do what to answer to that. They are...yeah, they're pretty distressed at all of that, and mentally they're gonna say to Xoc,

Ari (as Misha) 

[Weakly.] He's right though. 

Tom (as Xoc)

That doesn't matter, Misha Jarvis. We're not going to let him try to threaten you over something as silly as this school. 

[The music fades.]

Tom

And Xoc will just continue to like, try to puff out and be like, nyah, I'm intimidating. I'm a wizard.

Kyle

Sir Kentrim isn't fazed, and he just stares you down as you hear the last pun. 

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

Did you know that ghosts are particularly fond of this talent show? 

Kyle (as Vera)

Why no, I didn't know that.

Kyle (as Captain Jebediah Ishmael)

[A huff of laughter.] They're just dying to see it!

Tom

[Clears his throat.]

[Crickets begin to chirp.] Crickets?

Kyle

Crickets. 

[The crickets stop and the haunting music begins again.]

Sir Kentrim turns over to you and says, 

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

Listen. Xoc. I'm not just talking about the man in the gears back at Charmonde.

Kyle

And he just meets Misha's eyes one last time.

Kyle (as Sir Kentrim, Esq.)

If they had their way, everybody in this school would be dead, starting with the ones closest to them. 

Kyle

And he goes out on stage. 

Tom

Xoc's still glaring a hole into the back of his head. 

Kyle

So Sir Kentrim goes on the stage for the runway.

[The music stops and transitions into something faster-paced and more upbeat, a sultry runway walking tune.] 

It doesn't have to be the swimsuit section, but that does not him, stop him from starting with just wearing jeans.

Emily

Ugh.

Kyle

That go down just a little bit too low. You can see like kind of these triangular lines , and then just ripping them off halfway down and just speedoing the rest of the way. 

Tom

Kyle, I feel like I almost need to spend an XP
[00:50:00] 

to change this scene because I, you've used the incorrect swimsuit for Sir Kentrim.

Kyle

Use your XP. What's his swimsuit change into? 

Tom

Well, it's, it's a little hard to describe. It looks a bit like an old-timey bathing suit, but–

Hallie

[Crosstalking.] No.

Tom

It has–

Hallie

[Interrupting.] No, I'm gonna cut you off right now because you're wrong!

Tom

This deep v-neck.

Hallie

Because that suit intentionally hides what you want to see! Kentrim is not about hiding what you want to see, Kentrim's worked hard for what he wants people to see!

Kyle

But listen.

Hallie

That suit was not a Kentrim suit!

Kyle

Sir Kentrim knows the best way to get people excited is to hide what they want to see most.

Hallie

But in–

Kyle

[Crosstalking.] But also it's definitely tight enough that you can see just, everything.

Hallie

But is it, is it the suit? 

Kyle

It's the same suit, because–

Hallie

[Crosstalking.] No!

Tom

It's the suit.

Kyle

I'll, I'll post it in the, uh, in the chat of this episode. 

Hallie

No!

Kyle

It's a very good swimsuit.

Hallie

[Intensely.] No! No it's not. It's a very bad swimsuit, and I loathe it, like more than anyone should ever hate a swimsuit, I hate this swimsuit. 

Kyle

This is gonna have to be a video where I just take the image of Welkin and and I slowly zoom it in as Hallie rants about...

Hallie

[Crosstalking.] No. 

Kyle

The suit.

Hallie

[The music fades.]

I don't want you to do that because I don't want to see–I like Welkin, I don't want to see the suit again! No. 

Tom

[Laughter.]

Hallie

[Pained.] I hate it. 

Kyle

[Dryly.] Anyways.

Tom

I'm glad I could derail everything forever. That was also my last XP, by the way. 

Hallie

[Smug chuckle.]

Kyle

Does that XP change the universe in any way, or was it just something that has always been different?

Tom

No. No, no. No. No, it's, it goes deeper than that. He rips off the jeans. He speedo-ing it up. He rips off the speedo which was somehow also like a flesh-colored bodysuit, form-fitted.

[Over laughter from the party.] And now it's, it's the old timey v-neck bathing suit underneath. It was just that good!

Kyle

Cool. Xoc!

Hallie

Noo.

Kyle

You're gonna go next. 

Hallie

I'm adding this to my heist board. 

Kyle

What's your walk down the runway like?

Tom

[A rock song with a heavy baseline begins to play.]

Xoc, uh, Xoc feels a little uncomfortable with this, and so animes down the runway in a weird combination of Naruto run and, uh, farstep. So he just sort of like blinks in a zigzag down the runway, and then blinks back, just like nope! Bye-bye.

Kyle

I can't cut a point for that, but I also can't give you a point for that. 

Tom

Sounds like I just got zero points. 

Kyle

I'm just gonna keep it at neutral. I just, I can't.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[The music fades into a low, unsettling hum.]

And then finally Misha, you step out past the curtain on to the stage and you can just feel an uncomfortable amount of eyes on you. It feels as if the world is watching you. Uh, not only have the cameras trained on you. 

[The unsettling hum gets louder and higher.] 

So the video cameras, VIRGULE has video cameras, which are also, like, shooting up the smoke images of you. You can see Vera and Jebediah staring at you. Jebediah seems jovial, but he always seems jovial and Vera seems, well, like Vera. 

But then through the bright lights you can just see the reflections of dozens of eyes watching you. How's Misha doing right now?

Ari

Not, not great. I mean I...they...like, before with like the last two puns that happened like, Misha like really excitedly commented them to Xoc mentally like, 

Ari (as Misha) 

Oh yes, I understand leaf means because it's a tree, and also it's from leave!

Ari

They're gonna be explaining things. But even from like this last one, like, Xoc would have noticed that there just was no comment on that note, and they, they like usually like what, after Xoc performs, they would have been like, 

Ari (as Misha) 

Oh, very good Xoc!

Ari

[The noise is louder, turning into haunting, almost mechanical music. It has an air of uncomfortable anticipation.]

And whatnot, but like they, they don't. They didn't even pay attention to what Xoc did. I mean they did and they did say like, 

Ari (as Misha) 

Oh you did a great job, Xoc. 

Ari

But it was, they were really watching. So they're just, not, not in a great place. And so they, I guess they're already up, but they will reach to Xoc and say, 

Ari (as Misha) 

Xoc, I apologize. I don't think I can do this. I think you should get this point. 

Ari

And they will turn to to step down from, from the stage. 

Tom (as Xoc)

You don't have to if you don't want to, but I'm here if you need me.

Ari (as Misha) 

[Softly.] I know. Thank you. I appreciate it. 

Kyle (as an unknown echoing voice)

[Crosstalking under Misha.] Alone.

Ari (as Misha) 

But I don't feel like I can do this right now. 

Kyle (as the unknown voice)

[Louder.] Alone. 

Ari (as Misha) 

I–

Kyle (as the unknown voice)

[Crosstalking, louder.] Alone!

Kyle

[The music intensifies again, swelling as high anxious humming strings begin to play.]

The word alone just starts to enter your head, Misha. 

Ari

[Nervously.] Ohhh.

Kyle

And it's not like it was with the Lady With Cinnabar Lips. With that it felt as if it was coming from you, but these words, "alone," in this case feel like an external force, like an idea, a concept trying to bury itself in your head, and I want you to roll to defend against it. 

Ari

[Anxiously.] Oh boy. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's go dice.

[Dice roll.] It's a, it's a–that would be a two. That would be a two.

Hallie, don't look at me like that!

Kyle

The words dig in, and they start to take hold, and once they get in, Misha, you just start to feel so dreadfully alone. This emotion starts to bury itself inside of you. 

[00:55:00] 

And once it takes root it starts to spread its branches.

And it moves from a single word to simple phrases.

Kyle (as the unknown voice)

You are alone. You will be alone. You should be alone!

Kyle

And once it goes past simple statements about who you are, it starts to say what you should do.

Kyle (as the unknown voice)

Alone. You are alone. You will be alone. You should be alone. You will make yourself alone. 

Kyle

And eventually getting to the con–the ideas of, 

Kyle (as the unknown voice)

You will walk and leave this place, and hide in this deepest darkest corner where you cannot be found, and you will be alone forever. 

Kyle

And as you start to get overwhelmed by this idea, it's almost like an overwhelmingness. Your, your vision clouds up. You hear these words surround you. They almost around you like air, and around you, don't see the stage or the people, you just see these words and these sentences. Alone, you are alone. 

[Faster, and more intently.] And they start to surround you and they're all you know, and you, you've started walking down stage, and you've kept walking and you don't know where you're going because you can't see it, and it almost feels like you aren't controlling yourself anymore. 

[A high, eerie call sounds over the threatening thrum of the music, overwhelming it.]

And that's when suddenly a rift opens up, and you see a white space in the tear, and you just hear a gentle lady's voice humming and showing a way for you to get out of this space. 

[The music and the call stop.]

Ari

[A thoughtful sigh.]

I'm gonna say...that Misha might go through with it, because I was thinking Misha was going to run away from the thing before walking down the thing anyway, so. I, I want to say that when Xoc was like, oh you don't have to do this, Misha, like, if it's fine with you, like, if there's a point for like the mental communication, like, if Misha tries to like shut it off as like Xoc was like, oh, don't worry we can help you. And like, they shut that off. 

But then Misha will step through. 

Kyle

Okay.

[Another song begins to play–higher, the sound of a synthesizer, but no less unnerving. It starts slow.] 

You will step through and you find yourself floating in that space, you're surrounded by what feels to be a white bubble, and in front of you you see what you saw back in Roulettia. This is a different space, a 

different force than the one who was sending you messages. 

This definitely was whoever saved you, but as you see the familiar ceramic feet and the familiar gigantic unblowing dress, and you rise up and you start to see this large mannequin-like woman with no defining features other than the bright red lipstick on her face. 

Ari

Oh, god.

Kyle

And she reaches her dent–hand down to you. You wonder whether you've really been saved at all. 

Ari

[Faintly.] Oh, god.

Kyle

Meanwhile, Xoc, what you see is you see Misha leave the stage and they seem nervous at first, but their emotions start to get more and more elevated. And eventually you see them start to take a more robotic form than they normally have, and in fact, the red eye turns gray. 

And then as soon as it happens Misha just starts walking aggressively towards the door to leave. 

Tom

[There's another layer to the note now, heavy chords.]

Xoc chases after and will, through the mental link, try to say,

Tom (as Xoc)

[Softly but emphatically.] Misha, what's wrong? Do you want to sit down somewhere else? We can leave if you want!

Kyle

You get about halfway through when you kind of hear like, the dial tone when someone hangs up just the, 

[Kyle makes a low flat noise.] 

Tom 

Can I fight to keep the channel open? Like Misha did for me back back in chapter three. 

Kyle

Yeah. Yeah.

Tom

[The music fades.]

I rolled a sixteen and I totally forgot to spend intellect effort, but will a sixteen cut it? 

Kyle

Well, I don't know. Let's check Ezra's level. 

[A pause.] 

It doesn't work, and all you hear is some coarse laughter mocking you for trying to get in. 

And suddenly, Misha just stops, and they just stand there still. Where both of their eyes were gray, now they're both red. 

Ari

[Sighs.] Oh no.

Kyle

And they've stopped doing whatever it sounded like they were so determined to do and instead have almost been taken over by something else. 

Tom

Xoc pulls...will reach into the pouch, uh, that he's been like sort of hiding and pulls out a kazoo. 

Ari

[Strained, getting louder.] Ohhhh. Noooo!

Tom (as Xoc)

[Begins to play Xoc and Misha's song on the kazoo.]

Kyle

[The kazoo fades into the sound of a harpsichord playing their song.]

Misha, for the second time you hear the song, and just like last time it reverberates through your space and it helps remind you that there is a way out and that there are people who are waiting for you, and that you can't stay here.

And as the hand moves towards you, you move at an equal speed away from the hand, and then faster and faster until your mind jumps out 

[01:00:00] 

past this fear, past the words, and right before your eyes open for the first time you hear the Lady with Cinnabar Lips' voice.

Kyle (as the Lady with Cinnabar Lips)

[Frantic and echoing.] That song! That song! 

That SONG.

Kyle

[The music ends.]

And it fades out and you open up your eyes, and you find that instead of having this giant hand grabbing you, you are instead being gently held in the hands of a cute hooded boy who helped catch you as you fell. 

In the distance the crowd cheers. It turns out that despite not having done a final part of the performance at all, the crowd loved Misha so much that they were immediately voted onto the Proligarchy, but honestly that seems like the least important thing right now.

And that's going to be the end of the episode. 

Tom

I know that's the end of the episode, but can I still do the thing I was going to do before you progressed things with Misha? 

Kyle

Hit me. 

Tom

Xoc wants to cast out with his mental connection, just like very open channels, simultaneously probing to like see if there's anyone out there and then just to sort of shout back. 

Tom (as Xoc)

[Coolly.] We won't let you get away with this.

Kyle

And you just hear the laughter again.

[Closing theme, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Kyle (as Sera)

Oh, not a problem at all. I'm used to it with my cousin. 

Hallie

Wow. She just bullies Anastasia on the regular. 

Kyle

On the reg. On the reg!

Hallie

As if Anastasia even needs to be bullied! Anastasia, do this thing. She'll be like, okay!

Tom

Well, I mean, I think that might be what she's just referring to. Just being like, Anastasia, go, go get this.

Hallie

Oh, instead of asking politely. Yeah.

Kyle

And she picks up a qwhale and starts petting it because it's cute. In fact over the course of this whole scene, because she still is a Disney princess, more qwhales are just going to assemble on her lap.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

And onto her chair. Just imagine she is a pile of qwhales by the end of this.

Emily 

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Like the gargoyle in Hunchback who all the pigeons like.

Tom

No, don't, don't remind us of that.

[Laughter from the party.]

It's not real! The gargoyles from Hunchback of Notre Dame aren't real. They can't hurt you. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Hallie

I think they're fine. 

Tom

Ehhhhhhh.

Hallie

They're not great. They're like.

Kyle

Great. I'm losing to a bird! That's the only line. I just imagined Hop shows up to everyone next day and he's like guys, listen. I've given it a lot of thought, call me Tyrone.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Ari

Ohhh, no!

Hallie

Tyrone! 

Ari

Tyrone!

Hallie

Which was going to be maybe my name if I was a boy.

Tom

Ooohh!

Ari

Really?

Hallie

It was Tyrone or Rory, and I'm so thankful that I wasn't a boy because I can't say Rory. 

Ari

Yeah, Rory. Rur-rur-Rory.

Tom

Rory!

Kyle

Rory.

Ari

Rar-rar-rur.

Kyle

Anyways by car it would take, say a day to drive? And I'm not pulling that number exactly from the Cookie Crew, where it took them a day the drive. 

Tom

Well, in Cookie Two, didn't it take them like three hours to drive there? 

Hallie

It took them a day to get from Glavis to the vacation house.

Kyle

Oh, right, because the Ninth World map doesn't fucking is exist to you!

Hallie

Because, it like...no. The map doesn't exist. I just put them in a car and it goes to a place. 

Tom

It took for the day to get to a village right nearby, but you gave them three hours to drive to Qi!

Hallie

I am a, I am at least a demigod I can change geography. 

Kyle

What's your argument, Ari? 

Ari

No. No, I was gonna say like listen, it's like Game of Thrones latest season, all the...

Tom

[Crosstalking.] Oh, fast traveling.

Kyle

No!

Ari

Everybody's just like, let's get from the wall to King's Landing, and they arrived there in like, ten minutes by a horse. Like, okay, fine. 

Kyle

At one point Xoc takes over the Apocrita and just suddenly turns evil. It's like welp, we gotta kill him now. No, it can't be the Apocrita because that's the world ending threat.

Ari

No, because that makes too much sense. 

Tom

You–are you making me Daenerys Targaryen in this in this parallel?

Ari

It has, it has to be like, Q.BO, or, or I don't know somebody that just comes. 

Tom

No, Q-BO becomes the new king.

Ari

Ah, yes.

Tom

Of the united steadfast.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom

Except for the north which is a separatist state, obviously. 

Kyle

I'm so mad. Anyways.

Hallie

Uh, anyways. 

Ari

Everett is the one that it, goes crazy.

Kyle

[Choking laughter.]

No, Everett, Everett wouldn't want it. So he would be the one who is the true rightful King.

Ari

Then it's Jesse, okay? So we have this like, completely.

Kyle

[Crosstalking.] Yes. Yes!

Ari

Dramatic moment where Everett has to kill Jesse to.

Hallie

Nooo!

Tom

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Kyle

Yes, it's perfect. It's, it's exquisite.

Emily

Nothing about that is perfect!

Hallie

I hate it.

Tom

[Exasperated.] Jesus fucking Christ.

Hallie

[Glumly.] It's bad.

Tom

So in other words, we really we really dislike the showrunners of Game of Thrones. Dan and Dave?

Ari

D&D? I know they call them D&D.

Tom

D&D.

Ari

And it's really confusing.

Tom

D&D is bad, everyone.

Ari

Yeah.

Tom

You heard it here first.

[Episode ends - 01:01:36]