Ep. 53: Crime and Courtship, Part Ness

Hallie (as Ness)

Previously on my life!

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Hallie (as Ness)

The fuck are you?

Tom (as Xoc) 

[Startled.] Hello, small friend! My name is Xoc. When we were passing by, I saw you in the streets and I worked on fixing you. [Brightly.] And now I have!

Hallie (as Ness)

[Indignant.] What?  

Kyle 

You hear a— 

[Hiss.] And you turn over and you see that a line of beetles has extended, and grabbed your floating staff from next to you. And it pulls it back into one of the Blue Fairy's hands and she raises her other finger in a like,

[Admonishingly.] Nuh-uh-uh.

Fashion at you.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Frustrated groan.] Ugh.

Hallie 

As these two chucklefucks are saying their plan, Ness is just like,

Hallie (as Ness)

That sounds boring.

Hallie 

And then he just turns around and walks away.

Ari (as Misha)

[Startled.] Ahh, Ness! If you have another plan, you can share it with us. I do not want you to be bored!

Ari

Just like.

Hallie (as Ness)

I'm gonna take a nap. That's my plan.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

[The music fades.]

AFTERNOON. Day three. 

Kyle

[Gentle, cool jazz waiting room music begins to play.] 

All right, so we're gonna hop back a bit to the morning of day—no. Fuck. Okay.

Hallie 

[Dryly.] Afternoon. 

Kyle 

So we're gonna hop back to the afternoon of day two.

Hallie 

[Hesitantly.] Day three? Isn't that what we just played? 

Kyle 

Yes, we're—sorry.

Hallie 

[Pleased.] I'm so smart. Afternoon of day three.

Kyle 

We're gonna hop back for a second to the afternoon of day three. Ness. You have just decided that whatever Xoc is doing, who even really knows, it's boring. 

Hallie (as Ness)

It's boring. 

Kyle 

And you don't want to be there. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Exasperated.] I don't want to be there. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] So what—what is, what is Ness up to? What, what are you up to, pal? 

Hallie 

Ness wants to...he's gonna wander back on down to that mail room they were in. Uh, so he wants to see if there's any way to tell from the mail room where the Blue Fairy might be located. Like, I don't know if there's like a room number next to the mail cubby, something like that. 

Kyle 

So you're interested in finding this Blue Fairy you say? 

Hallie 

Yeah. 

Kyle 

All right. Well. 

[Faint laugh.] There are a couple of issues. The first, which I don't think matters, is that the names are kind of high up. So you definitely have to climb on top of and break a lot of these tubes.

[The music fades.]

Hallie 

Nah, Xoc does—not Xoc. Ness doesn't care. 

Kyle 

Thing number two. Blue Fairy is not under the Blue Fairy. She has a name, and it's not that—I don't even think you know of her as the Blue Fairy. Has, has anyone called her by name when Ness was around?

Hallie 

I don't know! What was she announced—what was she announced as at Nano Fight Club? Was she announced at all?

Kyle 

No, they just said, oh there's a new competitor.

Hallie 

Ooh. Okay. Okay, so instead of the mail room, because he doesn't have a name to operate on, Ness would go to like, whoever the MC of the Nano Fight Club was and be like,

Hallie (as Ness)

Where can I find that, like, fairy person? 

Kyle 

Okay, so he remembers that there was this weird goat man. He was a very buff man who sounded like a goat. That's what you remember about the the presenter. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Well, none of these names say goat. That doesn't help me. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Well, what are you gonna do with that knowledge? How you gonna find this goat man?

Hallie (as Ness)

That guy...he was in Xoc's gym class. I think. I'm pretty sure. 

Kyle

All right. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Bet I could go to the gymatorium. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

Hallie (as Ness)

Or wherever the class is. I can't be bothered to know where I am at any given moment. 

Kyle 

So you make your way to the gymatorium. People seem to be just setting up for some event, you heard there was like a salt and pepper rally? 

Hallie (as Ness)

No, that also sounds boring. [Increasingly annoyed.] Everything on this ship is boring. 

Kyle

[Easy-going almost country western music begins to play.] 

You see that the captain of the ship is here. He's just kind of standing there, surveying without moving. You see that the gym teacher who just picks on Xoc all the time is just standing kind of watching and glaring at everything. Well, not glaring. Eh, she's a bit uncomfortable because her look is always just a little too intense. Her eyes are just a little too open. She's paying so much attention to something so boring, but unlike someone like Xoc, she doesn't seem like a boring person. So it's very confusing.

Hallie (as Ness)

She's intense. There's something going on there. 

Kyle 

Yeah, and then finally you see, um, as you walk in you brush past a curly-haired lady who's got her hand on the palm of her chin and his fidgeting with her coat button a little bit.

[The music fades.]

Hallie 

Ness tugs on the jacket of the lady that he's passing and goes,

Hallie (as Ness)

Hey, I'm looking for, uh...uh, the Goatman. I don't know his name. He's a goat.

Kyle 

And this woman turns to you and she says,

Kyle (as Ramya) 

You're looking for a goatman, you say? A man who is like a goat...or a goat who is like a man? This is an interesting puzzle. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Is it? I thought my question was pretty straightforward. Do you know where he is? 

Kyle 

[Trying not to laugh.] Well, where are all of us really? 

She wouldn't wax philos—philosophical like that. Actually. No, she would, because she's existential about her life. 

And she'll be like, 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

Well, that's also interesting. Where are we all really? As people, as creatures and beings on this planet?

Hallie (as Ness)

I mean, we're on [00:05:00] a boat, so it should be pretty easy to find someone I need to find. 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

Oh you're looking for someone on this boat!

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah, yeah, the goat man's on the boat. I just don't know where on the boat. 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

I don't remember any goat students here. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Exasperated sigh.] 

[Attempting to imitate Sir Kentrim.] Look, he talks like this? 

All the time? He emceed the, uh, the Nano Fight Club thing last night.

Kyle (as Ramya) 

Oh, yes. Mr. Kentrim! I believe he's on the first deck. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Just—that's it?! The first deck? There's no, there's no room you can give me? 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

Well, no, there aren't any room numbers on the ship. Are you...are you lost? 

Hallie 

[Snorts.]

Hallie (as Ness)

[As Hallie's trying not to laugh.] No! The goat's lost. I'm trying to find him. 

Hallie 

I'm being such an asshole. 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

Okay, I understand so you definitely are lost.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Sighs.]

Kyle 

And she starts beckoning over to the woman, she's like, 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

[The music ends.]

Ah, Miss Vera. Could we have some help please? 

Hallie 

Yes. Okay. Ness stays while Vera comes over. 

Kyle 

Okay. This is great two characters who sound exactly the same. 

Kyle (as Ramya) 

Because Rei's like this. 

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

And Vera's a bit softer. That sounds basically identical.

Hallie 

Rei's got a little more light in her voice.

Kyle 

[Slightly indignant.] Rei's lighter?! I always thought Vera was lighter! Fuck!

Hallie 

No, no, Rei is lighter like on a—

[The creeping, ominous music of the Jagged Dream begins to play.] 

Like, Rei has like, energy and light in her voice. 

Kyle 

Oh. Okay. I get you.

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

Vera...is more...

[Back to Ness.] Oh.

[A beat.] 

Hello. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Hey, I'm looking for, uh, Kentrim's his name. He's a goatman. He's in your class. You should probably know him. [Laughing slightly.] But you know, I wouldn't blame you for not knowing your students. 

Kyle 

She narrows her eyes. 

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

Have I seen you around before? 

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah, I watch your class sometimes. You're gonna make regionals. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

Oh, right. Yes. 

Regionals. 

[Sounding pleased.] That's why I remember you. 

Well, Sir Kentrim's on the top floor. You should be able to follow the stench of X body spray directly to his room. 

Hallie (as Ness)

I can't smell, but I'm sure I'll find him regardless, because you gave me information. Thank you. You are by far the most helpful person on this accursed boat. 

Kyle 

She reaches out—I forget which one is her Doomfist hand, but Vera reaches out one of her hands in a handshake and just says,

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

Now, don't sell yourself short.

[The music intensifies, then fades.] 

Kyle 

Ness aggravates every villain and ally.

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

The miniseries.

Hallie 

And in response he'll be like,

Hallie (as Ness)

[Pleased.] Thank you. It's nice to be appreciated.

Hallie 

And then he'll toddle off in the direction of the top deck. 

Kyle 

So yes, you, you can physically see this X body spray.

Hallie 

Excellent. 

Kyle

Eyyy. 

Hallie

Ehhhhhhh.

Kyle 

You can see it mist its way to the goatman's door, which is not labeled. We don't have names on the door. You just have the you know, the little like, cutesy things they'll put on dorm room doors?

Hallie 

Yeah.

Kyle 

Yeah, we've got those. Uh, I think they were inspired by Calaval if I remember correctly.

Hallie 

Yes, they were. Okay. Ness knocks on the door, but not politely, it's like, BANG. BANG.

Kyle 

Doesn't open.

Hallie 

Ness jumps up and tries to open the door knob. He's short, so I imagine has to jump and then use the weight of his whole body to turn the knob. 

Kyle 

Yeah. Give me, give me a roll for this. 

Hallie 

All right. This is my first role as Ness, and the dice could go either way. I could roll horribly because of what my life is like, or only Ness could roll well. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Hallie

We'll see.

[Dice roll.]

[Strained.] It's a one.

[Increasingly distressed.] So the answer is none of my characters will ever roll well.

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

Hallie 

[Pained.] I truly didn't expect it to be a one. I thought maybe a three? Maybe a five? If I'm lucky, like a six, which I always roll but no, it's one for Ness.

Kyle 

All right, so I figured out what the bad thing is going to be, but it's not a direct bad thing. So I won't explain what. So you go, you hammer on the door, you try to open it up and nothing works, and as you're just like, aw, fiddles—I don't know what kind of curses Ness says. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Aw, biscuits. 

Kyle 

Yes. As you're like, aw, biscuits, you notice that there is, on your right boot, a little blue beetle.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Delighted.] Aw, hey!

Hallie 

He's gonna pick, he's gonna try to get it on his finger. 

Kyle 

It's weird. It doesn't seem responsive at first, and then it's immediately responsive and it like, very strategically gets up on your finger. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Hey, you were— you were with the fairy hat I'm looking for. I don't suppose you can show me the way you can ya?

Kyle 

]Upbeat, cheerful music begins to play. It calls to mind a field full of flowers swaying in a spring breeze as butterflies flit around.]

The beetle flies up and starts to fly off. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[In gleeful excitement.] Ohhh!!

Hallie 

Ness chases her down the hall.

Kyle 

I feel like we need to describe this whimsical chase, Ness just skipping down the hallway. 

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

After this fairy. Not this fairy, this blue beetle. 

Hallie 

[Through laughter.] You can animate this in like a Studio Ghibli-type style and it would be magical. 

Kyle 

I'm putting on the most whimsical music right now, because we can't describe it, but [00:10:00] we need to know how it feels. And you whimsically traipse down all the, uh, staircases, you probably slide like, on the hand railing.

Hallie (as Ness)

Wheeeeeeee!

Kyle 

And the beetle continues to buzz around, and it, uh, starts going back towards the gymatorium. 

[The music fades.]

And then suddenly veers right, and it slips itself underneath the doorway to a supply closet.

Hallie 

Uh, Ness tries to jump up again and do the doorknob thing just to see if it's open. 

Kyle 

Yeah, it works. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Whispering.] Yes. 

Kyle 

And you find yourself in a little supply closet with supplies that are all placed in an exactly perfect spot. There's like, little timers to indicate how long you've taken them out and you'll get penalized if you take it out for longer than you're supposed to take it out. So there are these little, like, markers on each of the supplies. And the beetle, when you enter, is not there.

Hallie 

Uhh. Ness glances around to see what's in the supply closet. Mostly he's looking to see if the beetle has landed on anything specific, but he's also looking for the reason that he's looking for the Blue Fairy in the first place, Xoc's strong glass staff. 

Kyle 

Give me a roll.

Hallie 

[Dice roll.]

Fourteen.

Kyle 

You don't see the beetle. You don't see the staff. But you do notice that one of the supplies a little bucket. Its timer thing is busted. It's just blinking at zero, zero, zero.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Slightly bewildered.] Huh.

Hallie 

Is there like a label or anything? 

Kyle 

No, it's just a bucket. But it should be worth noting that these are shame labels. If you don't get them back in time, not only do you get penalized, but like a message will be broadcast throughout the Prodigious being like,

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

This person doesn't do their job! This person's a dough-about! This person's lazy!

Kyle 

Just letting you know that, if you have it out for too long...

Hallie 

Like a howler. 

Kyle 

Yeah, like public punishment. So if you removed anything else you would have to put it back at a certain amount of time but this bucket, well, the thing doesn't work. 

Hallie 

But there's nothing indicating what was in the bucket? Or the bucket itself is the item that you can take.

Kyle 

The bucket itself is item you can take—

Hallie

[Crosstalking.] Oh!

Kyle

[Crosstalking.] But I should note that like... 

Hallie 

I thought that was like the the empty reciprocal. That's why I was looking for a label.

Kyle 

No, but like—no, the bucket is the thing you can take and it's pressed against the wall. 

Hallie 

Okay. Ness picks it up.

Kyle 

And behind it, you see a little hole!

Hallie (as Ness)

Oh!

Hallie

[Playful, quick-paced music begins to play. It sounds fun and cheerful, like something that would play over a silly montage in a kid's show.] 

Ness puts the bucket on his head like a hat and then crawls through the hole.

Kyle 

Give me a quick roll.

Hallie 

[Dice roll.]

Ten. 

Kyle 

Ness bumps his head twice before he can fit in with the bucket. 

Hallie (as Ness)

Ugh! Aw, cheese and crackers. Got to get through—not that big!!

Kyle 

[Amused.] All right, so.

[The playful music fades out into the quiet, distant echoing of wind through an empty tunnel. The atmosphere is suddenly uneasy.]

You start making your way through this really kind of damp, thin walkway. It's feels like only really you can kind of squeeze yourself through, and as you turn around, you start to hear some voices through one of the side passageways.

[A quiet, eerie melody begins to play just barely over the low echo.]

Hallie 

Ness adjust his new bucket helmet so that it's not covering one of his ears, and then presses that ear against the wall that he hears the noise from. 

Kyle 

Well, you hear a voice seemingly talking to no one, saying generic evil things like,

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

Yeah, I think things are going perfectly according to plan! 

Kyle 

And,

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

[Sneering.] There's no way those little shits are gonna be able to stop us. 

Kyle 

And various other,

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

[A mean-spirited cackle.] Sorry. I was just thinking about the fact that you were stuck with that Vespari guy.

Hallie 

[Laughter.] 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Annoyed.] This is boring.

Hallie 

And Ness continues.

Kyle 

You, you go past this, uh, side tube, which seems open up to some, you know, larger space and that's where you hear the voices coming from. And as you pass by, you do hear someone say, 

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

Hey Blue, where'd you stuff that staff thing.

Hallie 

[Whispering in faint annoyance.] Ah, goddammit. 

Ness almost like, walked past it, but at staff he does a roundabout and then goes straight back into that little tube to crawl in and listen as long as he can with his bucket still on his head. 

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

Okay. Give me a roll to see how, how well Ness can hear.

Hallie

[Dice roll.]

[Pleased.] Seventeen!

Kyle 

Ah fuckin' hell, you hear so good.  

Hallie 

God, this bucket's really acoustic.

Kyle 

Yeah, this bucket's really acoustic. You're also closer to the like, opening into this area. And so you'll hear them continue talking of how,

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

Once we release the swarm and the world watches as the face of Qi tears itself apart, there ain't gonna be anything to stop this war.

Kyle 

And then there are always these weird pauses in between these moments of like, them saying things and then just waiting for a response of somebody. 

Hallie 

And do I hear the response?

Kyle 

No, you don't hear a response. It's as if the other person isn't speaking at all.

Hallie 

Interesting.

Kyle 

Something you do notice though. 

[The whimsical chase music begins to play once more.]

You see the bug again! You see it. It buzzes in from the open end of that pipe and just lands at your—I'm assuming you're on your hands and knees?

Hallie 

Yeah, he's almost laying on his stomach with his chin on his hands, 

Kyle 

It actually lands on the bucket. You can see it right at the top of the bucket.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Whispering.] Aw, hey!

Hallie

He whispers.

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Still whispering.] You're back!

Kyle 

And the fly, after hearing that, buzzes up and flies back out through the hole. 

Hallie 

Ness is going to follow it, but before doing that, inches a little bit further [00:15:00] forward to see what the room below looks like to see if the staff is in there. 

Kyle 

[The music fades into something much more intense and unsettling.]

So you look in, and you see what looks like to be almost the inside of an indoor pool. If you took, uh, an underground pool, like an in-ground pool, and you removed all of the water out of.

Hallie 

Okay.

Kyle 

Inside of it, you see a handful of boxes and platforms. You see a couple of spare cars. It looks like they didn't have enough space to fit in the third deck, so they they also just stuck some in this empty pool space. 

Hallie 

I was about to ask if the Ladybug was there, but he wouldn't recognize the Ladybug. 

Kyle 

The Ladybug is not in there. The Ladybug would have filled up this entire space.

Hallie 

Okay.

Kyle 

On a couple of the boxes, you also see some cameras that are kind of moving around and surveying the area. You see three small baseball-sized platforms are all at the edges of this pool. And in the center, you see what looks like this large kind of metallic Jenga Tower with different blocks jutting in and out. Right next to this Jenga tower, you see...

[Brightly.] That blue lady.

[The music ends.]

Hallie (as Ness)

Aw, there she is!

Kyle 

With these big flapping fuzzy wings, and she seems to be looking...just kind of around her as this voice speaks, and you can't see where this voice is coming from. And finally, behind one of the cars—it's going to be a VW Beetle for shits and giggles—you see the blue beetle on top of this weird glass tree thing 

Hallie 

Ness, upon seeing the weird glass tree thing, whispers to himself,

Hallie (as Ness)

Bingo. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

Hallie 

And I'm assuming he's like, up high right? In like, a tube.

Kyle 

Yeah, you're, you're up high. There are lots of boxes and—

Hallie 

[Crosstalking slightly.] He'd have to like, clamber down and that's...yeah. It's just the the Blue Fairy in there? 

Kyle 

Uhhh, as I said, you see a handful of security cameras. Besides that you don't see anything else.

Hallie (as Ness)

And based on Ness' vantage point, can he feasibly climbed down from this tube without being seen? 

Kyle 

No, but she isn't looking at you. 

Hallie 

Okay. 

Kyle 

And once you hit the ground you—there's a bunch of stuff you can hide behind. 

Hallie 

Okay, I'm thinking about whether I want to burn the only item I have in my possession right now, which is the bucket, and like. 

[Laughter.] Throw it into the corner of the room so that she goes over there?

And then just scurry my way down.

Kyle 

[Through laughter.] Like a fucking stealth game.

Hallie 

Yes! Like a stealth...

Kyle 

Oh, what was that?

Hallie 

Or if I want to like, try to get down first, and then do my stealth game gambit? Um, she's not looking at me, so I'm just gonna try to sneak out.

[Dice roll.]

[Faintly.] Three.

Kyle 

[Trying not to laugh.] You fall and it clamors, just a—

[Making clanking and crashing noises.] The bucket falls off your head and falls onto the ground.

Hallie 

[Sheepishly.] Can I have landed in the bucket?

Kyle 

Yes. It's now a shell on your back, it like attached itself to your little mini backpack. 

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

So now you just have a turtle shell.

Hallie 

Cool. 

Kyle 

So you hit the ground just, [Crashing noises.] 

You know, clamors all about the place.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Startled.] Ahh!

Kyle 

And a couple things happen. The woman goes to turn for a second and then stops. You know that kind of thing where you half-turn to see, oh did I hear something? But you don't completely look around? 

Hallie 

Yeah. 

Kyle 

So she does that and she goes and she looks, and I'm assuming this is just like, still.

Hallie 

Yeah, yeah, he's doing the T-Rex. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Strained.] She can't see me if I don't move.

Kyle 

And— 

Hallie

[Crosstalking.] He figures it's better than causing more noise by scurrying behind something.

Kyle

And as the bucket settles, she keeps looking, turns closer, closer, pauses—

[A beat.]

And then as that happens, you hear some sloshing from a pipe on the other side of the room and you see that asshole teacher, the gym one, drop out of her side of the tube. And she starts talking to this, the woman, who turns away.

Hallie 

[Tense, sneaky music begins to play.] 

Okay. Ness edges his way behind the first cover available, and then unsticks the bucket from his little backpack and puts it back on his head, and continues edging his way like, against the wall to try to get to where the staff is. 

Kyle 

Yeah, you can do that. No problem. And within seconds, you're, you're next to the staff right behind one of the tire wheels.

Hallie 

Is the beetle still on the staff?

Kyle 

The beetle is still on the staff. 

Hallie 

Yeah, I reach out to the staff and Ness is like,

Hallie (as Ness)

[Whispering.] Okay. Thank you. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Hallie 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Still whispering.] You can go now.

Hallie

To the beetle.

Kyle 

The beetle is unsure at first, but I'm going to say as you're walking the beetle eventually rises up and flies away. 

Hallie 

Okay.

Kyle 

I'm assuming you start just army crawling your way back?

Hallie 

He's just army crawling his way back. Scuttling his way back. 

Kyle 

So you go to make your way back and you hear, you hear Vera start to speak.

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

[Echoing faintly.] All I am I'm saying is that Xoc has potential even, if he hasn't embraced it yet. He could be an ally.

Kyle 

Does Ness respond to that at all?

Hallie

He slows down. 

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

[Exasperated.] Yeah, and what do you suggest we do about it? Seems like a goody two-shoes to me.

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

Well...

Kyle 

And then there's silence for a second and you hear the wings flutter. 

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

It's exactly as Arias said. We are, in our own way, doing good. Xoc could be very helpful for us. He just has to make a hard choice. 

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

And what if he chooses wrong?

[The music crescendoes and pauses.] 

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

Then we'll kill him. [00:20:00]

[The music ends with one final flourish.]

Hallie 

[Much more intense music begins to play, with a tempo that feels like a quickening pulse.]

Ness has...has stopped, to li—listen to the conversation. He, after hearing that important part, continues trying to crawl to get out. 

Kyle 

And as you do, for that brief moment that you pause, the beetle finally takes off from your staff and flies back. And the muffled voice goes,

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

Ehh? What was that? 

Hallie 

[Nervously.] All right, now, now he's scurrying faster, now he's just—he's just gonna bolt now because he knows what's happening, but he's got to get back to Xoc.

Kyle 

And you hear Vera's voice get louder and closer as she says, 

Kyle (as Vera Layeni)

See, Arias? I told you he would come. After all. 

[The echoing stops.] 

He's the most helpful person on the Prodigious. 

Hallie 

Oh god dammit. Fuck that line!

Kyle 

I need you to roll speed defense.

Hallie

[Dice roll.] [Hallie lets out a breath.]

[Weakly.] Five. 

Kyle 

The next part happens fast. You hear a crunch, and a crash. 

[The sound of metal flying.] 

And suddenly the car's wheel that you were behind hits you square in the head and topples you over as the whole thing is sent barreling into the wall of this pool. Behind it, this professor takes one of her arms. 

[A slow hissing noise.] Which exhales a bit of steam, and is almost—it looks kind of segmented and a little bigger, and she kind of, she kind of flaps that hand a little bit as everything rests back to its natural position.

That hurts Ness' vision a lot. One of his, uh, light bulbs breaks. 

[Glass shatters.] 

And the other one is struggling to see. All it can see through the blurriness is that little beetle. 

[The sound of buzzing wings.] 

Flying in front of him, his little friend. 

[The buzzing intensifies as the music crescendos.] 

And behind it, it starts to multiply—more and more. At first, it seems like you're looking and seeing double, then triple, but no it's an entire swarm which starts to fall down upon Ness and starts picking out small deliberate parts.

[The music and buzzing cut out.]

Hallie 

Oh no!

Kyle

[The music resumes.]

Starts unhinging some of his claws. 

Starts unhooking some of the wiring. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Panicked.] I have to get to Xoc.

Kyle 

[Static begins to overtake the music.] And they start going into this little hatch in your back. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Straining.] I have to get to Xoc.

Kyle 

And they start to disalign small components.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Intensely.] I have to get to Xoc!

Kyle 

The exact bits and pieces that Xoc had used is electron arthroscope to realign.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Increasingly desperate.] I have to get to Xoc. I have to get to Xoc!

[The music stops. There's a final crack and the sound of something falling to the floor.]

Kyle 

So you feel Vera. You see the Blue Fairy. And the last thing that happens before Ness loses all thoughts is he hears Ezra.

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

[Cackling gleefully.] This is gonna be a hell of a time.

[Closing theme, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Hallie

[The music fades.]

No, no, no, no, no!

Kyle 

Rachel! Rachel! Where the other... 

Hallie 

He may have heard people in class refer to her as like, Miss Linetti. 

Kyle 

Vera Layeni. 

Hallie 

Not Linetti. Layeni. Yeah. 

Kyle 

I heard Linetti and I'm like, that's a Brooklyn Nine-Nine character. 

Hallie 

It is. 

Kyle 

Gina Linetti is just now one of the main antagonists of Quest Friends. [Laughter.]

Hallie 

But she could be, is the thing, that feels right.

Kyle 

Been around for a billion years and she stopped giving fucks a long time ago.

Kyle 

[Chanting intently.] Regionals. Regionals!

Hallie 

Ness knew that was a joke, but now he's going to repeat it so often that it becomes a real thing.

Kyle 

The uh, the, the aneens don't think it's a joke. They just pop out of the bleachers. [Chanting.] Regionals. Regionals!

Hallie 

Ness does like the, uh, Breakfast Club walk-off where he like, puts his fists in the air. It's like,

Hallie (as Ness)

Regionals!

Hallie

As he walks away. 

Kyle 

Hi, it's Kyle for a quick second. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Quest Friends. Our intro and outro song are "Friends" and "Hitoshio," both by Miracle of Sound, and we will be back in two weeks for Quest Friends Episode 54: Crime and Courtship Part 18. 

Kyle (as VIRGULE) 

I'll see you then.