Ep. 59: One Neon Night, Part 1

[Tape recorder is pressed, turns on, and softly hums.]

Kyle (as Collodi)

[A little grainy, through recording playback.] Log of Dr. Signus Collodi, Day Last. Yes, today will be my final log on this misguided experiment. I’ve solved it. With the aid of my research assistant, I have finally isolated the route of this unyielding infection, and with this knowledge I can finally rid myself of that grinning specter. There are dangers, of course, but…

[Whooshing of a machine powering up.]

I have taken precautions to protect myself.

[The spinning of an electric drill starts.]

Kyle (as Ein)

Collodi?

Kyle (as Collodi)

Miss Ein, I request that you stay away from the subject!

Kyle (as Ein)

The subject? Wait. What’s going on? Is that--?

Kyle (as Collodi)

[Forceful.] Stay back, Ein!

Kyle (as Ein)

Collodi, this is not what I meant.

Kyle (as Collodi)

That is irrelevant! You know what she can do!

Kyle (as Ein)

“She” isn’t here!

[Sounds of machines and equipment being knocked around blend with the intro theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound.]

Kyle (as Ein)

I promised them, Collodi! I promised they would be safe.

Kyle (as Collodi)

And I promised to the world!

[Tape recorder clicks off and the intro theme swells, carrying into the episode.]

Kyle

[Bold and excited.] Hello and welcome to the next… [Stumbles.] Fuck.

[Less energetic but still happy and smiling.] Okay. Um, hi, welcome to Quest Friends. We are a Numenera actual play podcast. If you are checking us out for the first time, because this is the start of a brand new arc, thank you so much for considering us. I would encourage you to check out Episode 34, Elee’s Memory, Part 1, because we’re now at the point of the story where things are really gonna start moving along quickly, so I would encourage you to go back there, try that out.

That being said, if you wanna stick around for this episode, see if you like the show, let’s all introduce ourselves. So, I am Kyle. I am the GM. My pronouns are he/him. I am the kind of arbiter of the rules and the story in this world. I’m anyone who is not a main character. I’m the world itself. I do everything except for play the four people that all the players are gonna describe themselves as. So who wants to introduce themselves?

Tom

My name is Tom. I use he/him pronouns. I play Xoc, who also uses he/him pronouns, and Xoc is a Bazian nano who talks to machines.

Kyle

What does Bazian mean in this context?

Tom

That means that my good boy Xoc is originally from a place called The Weal of Baz, a hidden sanctuary for intelligent machines, even though Xoc himself is a human boy.

Emily

Uh… [Starts to introduce herself but stammers and giggles.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

I’m Emily. I use she/her pronouns, and I play Elee Badge who also uses she/her pronouns. Elee is a – and I remember it this time because I looked it up right before – Elee is a perceptive glaive who fuses flesh and steel.

Ari

I’m Ari! My pronouns are she/her. I play Misha. Their pronouns are they/them, and they are an artificially intelligent nano who speaks to the Datasphere and they are actually an android, that… Do I explain more what Misha is, or?

Kyle

Well… Well, they’re an android,

[In a lower, allusive voice.] but kind of.

We’ll get into that with the summary.

Ari

Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, and then Hallie.

Hallie

I’m Hallie. My pronouns are she/her. I play Hopper Scotch, an honorable jack who metes out justice, and his pronouns are he/him. And then I’m also Ness. Should I say Ness?

Kyle

Yeah. Ness doesn’t have a sentence.

Hallie

Ness, he doesn’t have a sentence, he’s just a small robot, but his pronouns are also he/him.

Kyle

He’s a small robot who thinks he will cause problems on purpose.

Hallie

Who WILL cause problems on purpose, Kyle, please.

Kyle

So, those are all of our characters, but again if you’re listening to this episode you probably know who they are. You probably have also listened to the story so far, but that being said there has been a lot of plot that has happened now and we are now reaching the part of the story where the plot is really… the threads are coming together, the puzzle is now revealing itself and its magnificent design, its elegant design. I used the word design twice.

So, what we’re actually gonna do is we’re gonna do a summary of the story so far. I figure I’ll just do the story so far. Does someone wanna do the story so far?

Tom

[Slowly but musically.] Be… our… guest. Be our guest.

[Laughter.]

Put our service to the test.

Kyle

Alright, so! One billion years in the future!

[Vibes music, the theme for explaining/plotting, begins.]

Four adventurers, all of whom we’ve just described like five seconds ago, woke up a giant, evil cloud of spiders called the Apocrita. The Apocrita is an evil hive mind thing that traps its victims in their most important memory, forcing you to re-loop through your most important memory over and over and over again.

[00:05:00]

It uses this to access its victims’ other memories and create obsidian replicas of those victims which it can then use as soldiers. Forty or so years ago, a group of heroes called the Heroes of Navarene thwarted the Apocrita, but  now it’s back with a vengeance and it has consumed all but two members of the original Heroes of Navarene, Sunny and Mayra, who fuse to become someone called The Professor. Or, they used to, they don’t anymore.

But, the Apocrita and Aegon, the person piloting it, aren’t the only big bad villains on the block. Last arc we dealt with the Jagged Dream, a doomsday cult that believes conflict brings about change. As of this point they’re pretty much out of commission. Their three leaders are The Blue Fairy, who is dead, Vera, who is not dead but can’t really do anything, and then Ezra, who is also dead, but I put Ezra last because Ezra is unique in that he comes from the Datasphere, this kind of atmosphere, it’s like the internet and atmosphere combined into one. He is a being from the Datasphere called stratic life that has possessed a machine which we’re very acutely aware with as our dear, dear pal Misha has been doing the same thing all along. Although, there wasn’t like a machine and there—it’s not like there was a machine that Misha kicked out, Misha is from the Datasphere but inhabiting a machine body, but it’s not like Castiel from Supernatural where there’s this weird, messed up thing where somebody had to give up their body for Misha. That’s not going on.

Ari

[Laughs.] Oh, thank god.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

God.

Ari

That gets really awkward really quick.

Tom

Was this your plan all along, to make it a Castiel reference?

Kyle

Honestly, I only pieced it together right now.

Tom

[Hardy laugh.]

Kyle

So no.

Ari

I love it.

Kyle

Our secondary villain also comes from the Datasphere. She has not been defeated yet. Her name is The Lady With Cinnabar Lips. She is a malevolent force from the Datasphere who is extremely possessive of Misha. She can influence what Misha sees, has limited influence on Misha’s emotions, and when her influence grows Misha’s red eye – because Misha has one red eye – glows.

Finally, our final villain who has also been defeated, is Elee Badge.

[Music stops abruptly.]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Rude.

Emily

[Smiling.] Whatever.

Tom

Fucking rude.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Wow. Disrespect.

[Peaceful harp music, Karl’s theme, begins.]

Kyle

So, Elee, who after the death of her husband Karl spent about 50 years just self-sabotaging and ruining every relationship in her life, but now she has a steady girlfriend and she’s adopted many children, so actually things are going pretty well for Elee, but they weren’t for about 50 years or so.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Hallie

[Tearful.] She’s doing really well now.

[Peaceful music ends.]

Kyle

Anyways. Why I mention those three villains will become very apparent as this plot continues forward, but for right now forget all of them, because we’re focusing on the Apocrita. Specifically, our heroes are driving eastward into The Beyond to hunt down the ruins of a kingdom called Prylima, a floating kingdom that originally fought the Apocrita and created an artifact called Redd’s Blessing, a spear that allows for a confrontation on the battlefield of memories.

[Chill synth music begins.]

It’s always night in the Ba-Adenu Forest, the part you’re in at least. This gargantuan woodland is so wide you’ve driven through every climate imaginable, from dry Midwest woodlands to rainy tangled jungles, to here, on the eastern most edge, where you find yourself pushing through a miles wide bog with a canopy so thick not a single beam of light can worm itself through.

You’ve been driving for a while now. I believe I said a few weeks last episode, and according to Q-BO’s calculations you’re pretty close to where the ruins that contain Redd’s Blessing should be.

[Music fades.]

That being said, you’re all – except for I guess half of you if you count Q-BO. Okay, so half of you are human and need to eat.

Hallie (as Ness)

Au contraire, mon frère!

Kyle

[Laughs.] Hop is no longer depressed. He actually eats now.

Hallie

Yeah, he does!

Kyle

Hop and Elee have gone to get supplies. I’ll explain where Misha is in a moment. Ness is doing something. I didn’t even write down what Ness was doing. I just assumed he was harassing Q-BO.

Hallie

Ness… Yes. Ness is sitting next to Q-Bo going,

[Silly accordion music, Ness’ theme, begins.]

Hallie (as Ness)

So um, what do you know about this forest?

Hallie

But then every time Q-BO starts to answer the question Ness just cuts him off and asks a different—

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] This forest is—

Hallie (as Ness)

Okay, yeah, but what about this other thing? … Do you know how to make scrambled oggs?

Hallie

[Giggles at herself.]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] The ingredients for scrambled oggs cannot be found in the eastern edge of the b—

Hallie (as Ness)

So, if you have a plate and you throw it at like 10 miles an hour, how far would it have to go before it breaks?

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] Well, that’s an interesting question. It really depends on how much informa—

Hallie (as Ness)

Are cows still real?!

[00:10:00]

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

[Laughing.] Are what?!

Hallie

[Laughing.] Cows.

Ari

Cows.

Kyle

[hardy laugh.]

Tom

Cows aren’t real in The Ninth World.

Ari

I don't know, are they in The Ninth World?

Tom

No!

Kyle

Cows… Cows are real, but they look like the YouTube video cows and cows and cows.

Emily, Hallie & Tom

[In unison.] Noooo!

Ari

Yesss. Oh, that’s the best version of cows.

[Accordion music ends.]

Kyle

[Hums the tune from the video.]

Tom

[Groans, wanting it to stop.] Noooo.

Kyle

Have you seen cows and cows and cows, Hallie?

Ari

It’s a masterpiece.

weal

Kyle

We’re gonna watch cows and cows and cows after this.

Emily

[In a humored whining groan.] Noooo.

Tom

[Pained.] Noooo. No.

Hallie

We don’t have to keep playing that scene, but that’s what Ness is doing, just being a nuisance.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

A Ness-ance.

Kyle

[Laughs.] In essence, he’s being a Ness-ance.

Tom

Un-Ness-essary.

Emily

[Lets out a long, croaky laugh.]

Kyle

Xoc, what are you doing?

Tom

Xoc has wandered out on his own along the edge of the marshland, because we’re right at the edge where it’s by that inland sea on the map, right?

Kyle

Yes.

Tom

Yeah. So, Xoc is going to stare out across the water. He’s unsure of the exact angle, but on the other side of that sea is the place he grew up, the Weal of Baz

[Nostalgic music, Xoc’s childhood memories theme, begins.]

and he’s just staring at a sea that he has not been to in a long time. He might occasionally throw a skipping stone out or something.

Kyle

You know, for how easy it is to forget a lot of things you learn growing up, you’ve never forgot how to skip stones. What was that first time like when you skipped stones in the Weal?

Tom

Xoc was confused at first, because he had only ever heard about it. He hadn’t seen any of the other machines there try it. He just started as a little kiddo just picking up rocks and throwing them into the water so they would just sink, until it was actually Horus who came over and showed him that there was a trick to it. It was nice seeing the rock bounce across the waves, even though he technically sort of could do magic at that point it was the first time he felt like he was doing magic, manipulating how the world works.

Kyle

And of course, Jaykell didn’t necessarily approve of this frivolous use of time. It wasn’t necessarily the best use of learning mathematics and geometries.

[Questioning and making fun of himself.] Geometries. And geometry.

Tom

I learned many geometries that day.

Kyle

[Laughs.] But it was your and Horus’s little secret.

Tom

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Those were nice secrets. They didn’t hurt as much as the ones you’ve got now.

[Soft bubbling noises and distant creature calls begin.]

As you’re skipping stones, you just hear a voice from behind you say,

Kyle (as Loell)

Hey buddy.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Composed.] Hey friend.

Kyle

Out of your periphery you can see Loell staring out at the sea. He pauses for a moment and he says,

Kyle (as Loell)

Hey Xoc, I wanna show you something.

Tom (as Xoc)

I don’t suppose I have a choice in the matter.

Kyle (as Loell)

[Chuckles.] Well, you know, not particularly, but it’s important.

Tom (as Xoc)

You could stand to learn a thing or two about asking people what they want first, but…

[Reluctant and forced.] Sure, let’s see it.

Kyle

As you say that,

[A gleaming, mystical hum begins.]

Lights start to shine down on where you are, but they don’t show the sea and the bog and the little animals going blub-blub-blub around you. It instead shows the sidewalk of a chrome-filled glistening city. As you look around you, you see what you could only describe as one cypher turned into an entire city, if you took the technology found in a single cypher and you actually organized it, you actually made it into something cohesive rather than just slammed a bunch of different old things together. it’s sleek. It’s elegant. You see more people than can even be found in Qi bustling from the streets moving busily from place to place. Although you don’t know where you are, you have a vague idea when you are.

Tom (as Xoc)

This would be a past world, right?

Kyle (as Loell)

Yep.

Kyle

 Loell, who seems to have decorated himself in some of the flashier clothing of this era, it’s very reflective almost, says,

Kyle (as Loell)

Welcome to Vos, the greatest civilization of The Sixth World.

Tom (as Xoc)

What was it like?

Kyle (as Loell)

Honestly… I don't know. The Apocrita only stopped by here once, and it was pretty quickly driven out. This spot we’re standing in right now is really all we know of this city. Well, of this city at that time.

[Mystical music ends.]

Kyle

As he says that, suddenly you see the metal on the buildings around you crinkle and rust and start to fall off. The people start to disappear and fade away into dust, and the ground beneath you cracks into so many pieces there are eventually more cracks than there is solid ground to stand on.

[Similarly mystical music begins, but darker and far less comforting.]

As you stand in these desert ruins, wind whistling completely new tunes through the gaps in the bars of where the buildings used to be, Loell continues.

[00:15:00]

Kyle (as Loell)

When I learned that Prylima wasn’t the first place the Apocrita hit, I was determined to, uh, I don't know. I thought if I could see every place it had been I could understand it in some way. When I went looking for Vos, all I found was this. That’s when I realized… that was all I needed to know about Vos.

Tom (as Xoc)

It feels like a very cynical take on everything.

Kyle (as Loell)

Is it, though?

[With a smile.] The first step to solving something is to figure out what the problem is in the first place, and as we can see here,

[With a lot of bright reverb.] Change…

Kyle

And his voice echoes throughout the empty area.

Kyle (as Loell)

Can only bring one thing. Now I made a career saving as many people as I could, but the Jagged Dream is right, Xoc. For things to change things have to die. Now, do you really want this,

Kyle

And he points to the ruins.

Kyle (as Loell)

To be our legacy?

[Darker mystical music ends.]

Tom (as Xoc)

I… and maybe this is because I’m still a bit young, but I’m not particularly concerned with legacies at my point in life. I’m afraid of people dying, too. It’s sad to see all these things and people that once were that aren’t anymore. It makes you wonder why it had to happen, but we wouldn’t exist otherwise. Nothing would.

Kyle (as Loell)

[With some light chuckling.] You know, you’re right. I misspoke, about legacy and all that. Because you’re right, who really does care about all that nonsense? No, this is what matters.

Kyle

He plucks a photograph out of his pocket, and even before he hands it to you, you know what it shows.

[Nostalgic music, the theme for memories, begins.]

Tom

Xoc takes the picture of the Heroes of Navarene and looks at it and says,

Tom (as Xoc)

And yet we keep coming back to this.

Kyle (as Loell)

When I took that picture for the first time I thought it was a cute sentiment. You know, the idea that they had said oh, it traps your souls, it can keep them safe and preserved forever… Well, people don’t stay safe forever, do they?

Kyle

As you look down on the photo you can see everyone start to fade and age.

[Nostalgic music grows progressively slower and drawn out.]

You can see wear and tear start to weigh down on Tready who starts to tilt down, you can see one of Mako’s two arms disappear from his body, and you can see The Professor disappear entirely.

Tom (as Xoc)

You know, I really oughtn’t nitpick this vision of yours, but you do recognize that was their choice? Sunny and Mayra prefer the way they are now to the way they were before.

Kyle (as Loell)

Nitpick my vision, huh? Okay.

[Chuckles.] Alright. Alright, cool. Cool. Yeah, you know what, you’re right. Why are we nitpicking my vision?

[Tense pause.] Let’s take a look at yours.

Kyle

And suddenly, Xoc,

[Sad and nostalgic piano music begins.]

You are flashing through a series of memories. You see Jesse stumbling with this giant blundering sack into Hopper Scotch while you’re waiting in line in Charmonde. You see Soe’s exuberant face as Elee invites her to come along and join the party. Vespari, as he ferociously fights as Dr. Silversteel, Conqueror of the Cosmos. You hear kazoo songs over the crackling of the campfire, feel a pinky promise shared between four friends, and you re-experience again so many hugs: one deep in the heart of Charmonde as you see Hopper Scotch again, someone you thought you’d never see, one as a small robot child who you’ve saved for the second time in a row finally acknowledges how much he cares, and one as you convince Misha that they don’t have to go on their own and they can stay with you and everyone else in Fasten.

[Piano music ends.]

It ends on one last memory, deep in the heart of Charmonde, as the engine thumps and overheats, you know –thumb-thump-thump-thump-thump, and you see a perplexed Misha ask you,

[Tense synthetic music begins, Xoc and Misha’s mournful theme, begins.]

Ari (as Misha)

What is die?

Kyle

And you comfortingly respond,

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s when you don’t come back, but I am going to come back.

Kyle (as Loell)

But you can’t, huh? In the cosmic scale, you can’t come back, can you buddy? No. All of this, every moment, every experience, all of it… poof, gone, no one to remember it, no one to experience it, as if it never happened in the first place. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

[Emphatically.] It doesn’t have to be this way, Xoc. With the Apocrita, nobody ever has to come back, because nobody ever leaves.

[Tense music ends.]

Tom

Xoc’s gonna take a deep breath, swallow a little bit, unclench his teeth, and say,

Tom (as Xoc)

If a book sits on a shelf somewhere, no one reads it ever, does it even really exist? Is that alive to you? Is that saved?

[00:20:00]

Is that what you want to be? Just nothing, forever?

Kyle

Loell turns away from you, and for one last time your view changes, and you’re in a small village house with a table and a bookshelf.

Kyle (as Loell)

Well, I suppose that’s the choice you’re gonna have to make, huh? What would you rather be, a book on a shelf or kindling in a fire?

[Fire crackles.]

Kyle

With that, everything goes black again and you can only hear the bloop-bloop-bloop of the creatures in the swamp of the Ba-Adenu Forest.

[Gentle bubbling and distant creature calls return.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Asshole has to get in the last word, of course.

Emily & Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom

And that’ll be scene.

[Bubbling and calls end.]

Kyle

Alright Xoc. So, Loell, over the past couple weeks – we didn’t mention this last episode because we wanted it to be kind of bright and fun – Loell’s been talking to you a lot. He’s been contacting you. he’s been skyping you. he’s been sending texts.

Tom

ForceTime.

Kyle

He’s been a real asshole. But, he’s also been a real desperate asshole. You learn pretty early on two things. One, he wants to get all the Heroes of Navarene. He’s real keen on getting The Professor back. And two, because the Apocrita isn’t quite at full strength like it used to be back when, you know, 40 years ago, he can’t just go barging into cities like

[Dramatic muscular voice.] hey, it’s me!

Ari

[Delighted.] It’s me!

Kyle

And just like hoovering up entire cities. So, he needs your help in order to find Mayra and Sunny, or as he continues to call them, The Professor, and I’m assuming Xoc is taking none of that nonsense.

Tom

[Agreeing.] Oh, no.

Kyle

How have these calls been going? I want to kind of snapshot on how the calls have been going these past few weeks. This is the first time he’s pulled the “I want to show you something” gambit.

Tom

Xoc initially took the tact he did back on the Prodigious for maybe the first one or two times where he wasn’t really responsive, did his best to ignore Loell, tried to annoy him that way. As Loell made it clear that he was going to keep trying, Xoc also tried experimenting a little bit. He started blindfolding himself to see if that would also blind Loell, the problem being that he doesn’t actually have a way to know, even if Loell indicated in some way that he couldn’t see, he had no way of knowing if that’s the truth or not.

Kyle

When has Loell ever lied to you, Tom?

[Smiling.] Name one time he’s lied to you.

Tom

Uhhh, well actually.

Emily & Hallie

[Laughter.]

Tom

So, Xoc did experiment a little bit because he’s still anxious about the fact that he could potentially be a liability since Loell can always sense where he is and get an impression of where the party is from Xoc, but he did eventually speak to him again. Much like the scene we just played out, I imagine it’s been a dance back and forth of each getting under the other’s skin. Loell is very quick to anger, which is amusing and useful for Xoc, but then always leads to some kind of retaliation like that last train of memories.

Kyle

Oh! Don’t forget, there is one more thing that always happens after Loell contacts, inevitably, as if they’re reading your mind. You hear a…

[Magical sparkles chime followed by a few long flute notes.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Hi.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

[In their airy, spacy, drawn-out manner.] Heyyy Xoc. How’s it going?

Tom (as Xoc)

Oh, you know, same as usual, just on the run, hunted by someone who’s in my very mind.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

And just talking to him openly it looks like, the exact thing we told you not to do, Xoc!

Tom (as Xoc)

I don’t really have full control over that.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

Okay Xoc, considering how much you hung up on us and just chose not to speak, I think you always have the choice to close them pearly whites of yours. Just because he opens up communication doesn’t mean you have to actually say anything.

Tom (as Xoc)

I appreciate your concern, but I don’t think he’s learned anything especially valuable from this last talk.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

Why are you so determined to talk to this boy?

Tom (as Xoc)

That’s an interesting way of phrasing it. I would hope it’s a good idea to try to save everyone, even people who might be lost causes.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

Oh Xoc, that’s so sweet of you. That’s exactly why you’re grounded.

[Quirky robotic music, the Nano Spirits’ theme, begins.]

Kyle

Because Xoc, you have been – just a little bit of exposition – you have been grounded for the past however many weeks you’ve been on the road, which means that you have to pick up the Nano Spirits’ calls and you just don’t get magic unless they say you can use magic.

Ari

Aw.

Kyle

Considering how bad of shenanigans your magic has gotten you into in the past, the Nano Spirits, and they claim they’ve consulted with Horus on this, have decided that the best thing to do is maybe limit your magical expertise, because you seem so convinced that you can save folks. Like, you know, like Loell…

[Quirky music fades.]

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

Or that other one.

[00:25:00]

Tom

Xoc is going to take a few moments, in universe as well, to you know count to five, be nice…

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Not say something angry and snappy, and say,

Tom (as Xoc)

I would hope that if you have appointed yourselves my parents…

Emily

[Astounded.] Hoo!

Tom (as Xoc)

Then you would set a good example, treat others with some basic amount of respect.

Ari

Snap.

Emily

[Smiling.] This is why Xoc’s still grounded.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

Only when you treat yourself with the same respect, Xoc.

Kyle

[Smiling.] I’m gonna cut it off there.

Tom

Oh, are they gonna hang up on me?

Kyle

Oh, I was just gonna hang up on the—I was gonna stop the scene, but you can continue if you want.

[Quirky music returns.]

Tom

No, no, Xoc has words for them.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Look. Look. If the Nano Spirits wanna be pissy about us not talking to them, because there’s not enough “screen time”

[Laughter.]

Then I’ll fucking give them all the screen time they want. Xoc wants to have words with them. I dunno.

Kyle

The “scream” time.

Tom

Yeah, this is scream time now.

Hallie

Lay into them!

Tom (as Xoc)

I can understand if you are uninterested in giving me magic, but you are not in a position to dictate how I live my life. This is what I do. I travel around. There are adventures. There’s danger. Half of the spells I have built for myself over the last half year have related to fighting and danger in some way. There will always be risks, and that means I’m going to try to save people, and I will use my powers to help people.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

Yes Xoc, we understand that, but a large part of this patron relationship we form is a bit of trust. How are we supposed to trust you when you haven’t been trusting us since this whole thing started, huh? Since you’ve been hanging up and ignoring our warnings, and then surprise-surprise, a ship collapses.

Tom (as Xoc)

I feel like that last thing is not related to any of the other things you’ve said, but that’s not the point, I’m getting off topic. The point is, if you want to talk about trust, you want to talk about a patron and wizard relationship, then fine.

[Quirky music ends.]

Why are you so afraid of Misha Jarvis?

[Dramatic pause.]

Tell me. Tell me everything you know about whatever that “thing” is out there in the Datasphere that’s trying to get Misha. If there’s someone I should be afraid of, surely that would be useful knowledge that I would need to have, otherwise I might head headfirst into danger without any way of knowing otherwise.

Kyle (as the Nano Spirits)

What you need to know about The Lady With Cinnabar Lips is that she is the most single-minded and hate-filled piece of stratic life we have ever had the misfortune to encounter.

[Low and eerie synthetic music, the Lady with Cinnabar Lips’ theme, begins.]

You also need to know another thing, Xoc. She isn’t pursuing that Misha Jarvis. She is that Misha Jarvis.

[Music carries on to the announcements.]

Kyle

Hello and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, Episode 59: One Neon Night, Part 1. We’re onto a new arc at long last. Our intro song however is still “Friends” by Miracle of Sound.

Okay, so I’ve got a pretty big topic I wanna discuss today, but before I get to that I have two quick announcements I want to talk about.

The first one is that Pontifacts, who we brought on for our Christmas holiday special thing back at the end of 2019 actually just did a D&D anniversary special starring them and a bunch of other podcasts as they played a cast of characters trying to kidnap the pope, and one of the players was Ari! So, if you want to see Ari basically take on the role of Hopper Scotch and try to corral a bunch of children as they try to steal the pope, check out the link to Part 1 of Pontifacts, Kidnap dat Pope, which is linked below.

Additionally, and this is something I actually referenced last episode, we are actually recording our next session on this upcoming Saturday, Saturday the 13th. Now, normally that’s not big news, we record a session every month or so, but this session is, actually, I’m gonna need a bit of your help for this one, because there is going to be a “thing” in that session and that session only that I need listener prompts for.

[00:30:00]

So, what we’re gonna be doing is over the course of the rest of this week, on all our social media, on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and then on the website if you don’t have any of those other social media accounts, we’re gonna be asking for a few listener prompts which are then going to appear in the episodes that next Saturday’s session is related to. So, basically just keep an eye out on all of our social media accounts, and if you don’t have any of those check our website in, I don't know, a day or so. It might not be up right away, but it will be up relatively soon.

Alright, with both of those out of the way, let’s move on to the big topic of the week. For anyone who’s listening in the future and might not immediately know what the topic of the week is, I would like to remind you that you can always check content warnings in the descriptions of our episodes.

So, between last episode and this episode, George Floyd, a resident of St. Louis Park, Minnesota, was murdered by Minneapolis police in an event that is depressingly common. Since then, protests have erupted across the United States of America and the globe calling not only for justice for George Floyd but justice for all of those Black Americans who have died thanks to white supremacy, systematic inequality, and police brutality.

Additionally, many organizations, some in good faith and some chasing clout, have made public statements regarding the protests, and I’m sure there are at least a few of you who want to know what is Quest Friends’s stance.

Quest Friends stands in full support of the protests in the wake of George Floyd’s death. We believe that Black Lives Matter, that systematic inequality and white supremacy are still very prevalent in American society and are vital contributors to George Floyd’s death, and we believe that abolition of the police and prison system are vital to combating those inequalities. Racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, aphobia, and ableism have no place in our program or our community, and we will continue to not only correct ourselves when they appear but to use our platform to push against these toxic ideals.

Lastly, and this cannot be overstated, we believe that these stances are not exceptional, radical, or deserving of praise. They are the bare minimum any organization should be doing. So, if you’re curious what we’re doing, you can find a link below to QuestFriendsPodcast.com where I’ve done a news article that’s gone over our stance and also what we all plan on doing. I originally was gonna have it in the announcement break, but it ended up taking like ten minutes and it’s just a lot easier to read than it is to hear me try to rattle off all my thoughts.

Additionally, in the description below you can find a beginner’s guide to systematic inequality and a brief explanation of what a police-free world might look like, what does abolition mean. I’ve also linked below a document that’s really been plastered all over the internet, but that’s because it’s a very good resource talking about education and actions that can be taken in support of Black Lives Matter. If you’re able to look at one thing, please make it that resource, and don’t let this topic fade when we get out a month into the future. Systematic change and justice requires daily work over the course of years and even decades, and there are people who have been putting in that work, and if we want to support them either in the form of signing petitions, or doing monthly donations, or something else, we need to be showing up consistently. We can’t just wait for another crisis to support our neighbors.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. I hope you’re enjoying our first foray into our brand new arc, and I will see you for our next episode, which is releasing on Monday, June 22. I’ll see you then.

[Gentle and thoughtful synthetic music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

I said before that the Ba-Adenu Forest is completely dark save for those few creatures foolish enough to light themselves up, but that’s not entirely true, because while Xoc, Hop, Ness, Elee and Q-BO might claim that the swamplands don’t have much to see, you, Misha, can sense that it’s dense with activity. Before you glow creatures made of light and sound that make no sense in the physical world, but layered on top of it feel completely in place.

You’ve stepped away from the group as you have a few times before on this trip to take in the life and strife you didn’t know you knew, to observe the home that you’re still surprised to learn you came from, to watch the Datasphere. As you’re sitting here watching the Datasphere and experiencing it, you’re thinking of your memories.

[00:35:00]

Ever since you became the Prodigious’s patron, you took that first step into the Datasphere, most of your memories have come back in fragments. It’s almost like someone connecting to a cloud backup, but all these fragments of memories are jumbled and devoid of context, like pieces from dozens of different puzzles all thrown into the same box.

You remember a few things. Oddly, the memory of your first month awake that started in Legrash has all come back in full, almost as if someone else has put the pieces together for you.

[Music plays consisting of low, airy pipe sounds and whooshing.]

there’s also this song, emanating from you, surrounding you, you’re not sure. You’ve been hearing it ever since the Prodigious incident. But the funny thing about this song is it doesn’t feel like it’s playing for the first time. It feels like that song has always been there, you’ve just been noticing it for the first time.

[Music carries out for a few seconds before fading.]

Ari

Misha, over this past week or however long it’s been, they have just been slowly coping with the fact that they are getting all of these memories that were long gone and now they’re back but they still do not really make sense of a lot of them as you mentioned. Because of how this has been so continuous in a way they have been a little bit disoriented about it for a while, which is why sometimes they just have been separating them from the group, but not too much, to just kind of take everything in as well as the new things that I can see with the Datasphere.

There’s something that they realize that they should have done a long time ago but they forgot that they even needed to do that. What they’ve been trying to do and why they are isolating themselves a little bit is because they have been trying to do something similar to what they have seen Xoc do, which is they’ve been trying to contact the Datasphere. Usually when they ask things they just google a sentence, but they actually want to get a little bit more contact on it.

Kyle

Oh, you wanna talk to a ghost?

Ari

They wanna talk to a ghost.

Kyle

You know, I’ve heard there are some Nano Spirits around.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Ari

Well, not with the Nano Spirits necessarily, because they don’t think that the Nano Spirits can tell Misha what they need to know.

Kyle

Okay, so tell me, what ability are you using? Because this is your new ability.

Ari

It’s called Talk to the Datasphere. Basically it says that I am able to open up communication with a specific instance of stratic life for a short period of time. I can communicate with it and ask them something that they know. I’m limited by what they know and how they’re willing to share information, and I get assets to rolls and stuff like that.

Kyle

Okay. [Claps his hands together.]

[Enthusiastically.] What kind of ghost we calling down today?

Ari

[Exhales.] I don't know. Someone that is from Legrash, I guess?

Kyle

So, some stratic life that’s been around Legrash before?

Ari

Yeah, that might have been there, recently.

Kyle

Okay. Yeah-yeah-yeah. Describe how Misha calls upon the stratic life, upon their brethren.

Ari

Yeah. Basically, first, they have been trying to do this a couple times but they kind of have gotten cold feet right as they are kind of getting the hang of it. It’s not really hanging up, it’s like when you call and nobody has picked up and you’re just like alright, nope, I’m out. But this time they kind of were like no, okay, today is going to be the day.

[Static interference begins to rise.]

They kind of just took all of their surroundings in and then trying to focus their thoughts on their memories back at Legrash, like their very, very earlier ones that are now so salient, trying to kind of pull into somebody there.

[Upbeat music that gives a feeling of travel competes with the static.]

Kyle

Your memories trail out. It’s almost like they seep out from around you and surround you,

[Static fades away.]

Starting as threads, but then eventually these bits of light organize themselves. It’s like using a string to make images. And the images appear, first of this town of Legrash, then of the figure that you’re trying to ask about, and you go through a series of animals: a bear, an owl, and then you finally end on…

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle (as stratic life)

[Stretched out long and dramatic.] Snaaake.

Ari

Oh Jesus.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as snake)

I’m a snaaake stratic life.

Ari

Jesus Christ.

Kyle (as snake)

Hellooo.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as snake)

[Long hiss.]

[Quirky music, the “derp away” theme, begins.]

Ari (as Misha)

Um… Salutations.

Kyle (as snake)

SSSalutationssssssss.

Ari (as Misha)

[Nervously.] My, uh, my nomenclature is Misha Jarvis. What is—

Kyle (as snake)

Miiisssha Jarrrvisss.

Ari (as Misha)

Yes. What is yours? I believe I should introduce—

Kyle (as snake)

I’m a snaaake!

[Others fight giggles.]

[00:40:00]

Ari (as Misha)

Snake. Okay. Well, nice to meet you, snake. I, uh, well… This is going to be a little hard for me, you see. I’ll try to keep it brief. But, um, well, you see there is someone in Legrash that I forgotten about. It’s a forgotten friend, more like a forgotten family, I suppose. I would only like to know if you know if he is okay. His name is Fayz, and I have not seen him in a while. I just want to know if he’s okay since I left, if he’s still happy.

Emily

[Pained exhalation.]

Kyle (as snake)

[Breathes.] Hmm… [Hisses lightly.]

Emily

[Through giggles.] Answer very carefully.

Kyle (as snake)

Faaayzzz… you saysss…

Tom

Fuck youuu~

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Misha)

Yes! You know him?

Kyle (as snake)

Fayzzz is an interesting dog… man.

[Sad and nostalgic piano music begins.]

Two monthsss ago, Fayzzz let what the townsfolk call a killer into Fayz’s house, and the townsfolk were not too keen on that. They barged down Fayz’s door, but no killersss were there. They confiscated the house and Fayz found himself alone. But, rumorsss have it that Fayz reunited with a wraith from his past, some dark cloaked figure known for wrangling blood barmsss. I forget her name, all I know is that he called her Gabby, and from what I can tell those two have spent the last two monthsss reuniting.

Although Fayzzz still wonders where that killer went… and he hopesss that they are okay.

[Pauses.] Sss…

[Sad piano music fades.]

Kyle

[Laughing at himself.] I couldn’t end with an S sound. I don't know.

Ari

[Laughing.] No, that’s fine.

Hallie

[Breathy restrained chuckling.]

Tom

[Chuckling.] Are you okay, Hallie?

Hallie

[Whispering through giggles.] Okaysss…

Ari

To that, after, Misha will just say,

Ari (as Misha)

Oh. Thank you for your information. That is all I needed to know.

Ari

And then leave them, and then as they’re leaving to themselves they’re going to be like,

Ari (as Misha)

[Emotional.] He’s okay! He’s healthy… and he remembers me.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Okay, so Hop.

Hallie

[Nervously, caught off guard.] What?

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Before we get to your and Elee’s section, tell me your Flex Skill. What is your Flex Skill? I always forget to ask your Flex Skill.

[Smiling.] What is Hop’s Flex Skill for the day?

Hallie

Okay, so earlier I had a really good idea, and I went back to my character sheet where I recorded that really good idea, but all I wrote was “hazards,” so I don't know what I meant.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

What does that mean? Is it like a hazard sign? Is it like—

Hallie

[Through laughter.] It’s like… hazards! Like, I don't know! I guess I was like avoiding hazardous situations, but that’s just playing the game. You can’t have a skill in just doing the thing you’re supposed to do, so I don't know.

Kyle

How about maneuvering environmental obstacles? That’s what we’ll consider hazards.

Hallie

I like that! Thank you. Maneuvering environmental obstacles.

Tom

So, parkour?

Hallie

Well…

Kyle

Parkour is only with your hands and feet, though. He can do it with anything.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

He can also do it and be, hey Misha, there’s a boulder in the way, please move.

[Others chuckle.]

Because I’m assuming Misha’s still driving, right?

Ari

Yeah. Misha won’t give up the wheel unless people want that. If not, Misha is driving.

Kyle

Okay. Hop and Elee, you just got back from a nearby town. The town was etched into the trees themselves, they were so thick, and they had this interesting kind of water that could actually—

[Making fun of and correcting himself.] Water. This interesting kind of fire that actually—

Hallie

[Laughs.] The opposite thing.

[Others chuckle.]

Kyle

Propped up the little bubble it was in, so it was like a self-contained flame inside of this bog bubble.

Hallie

Ooh!

Kyle

You got a few interesting things from there, and by that I mean, what did you get, what did you buy?

Hallie

We probably needed food, right?

Emily

Yeah. Yep.

Hallie

Yeah, like groceries? We had a little grocery list.

Emily

Did we need stuff other than food?

Hallie

Um. I’m trying to think. I don't know, like, what…

Emily

Dact tape to patch up the back of the Ladybug?

Kyle

[Laughs.] Oh, that’s true!

Hallie

Oh yeah!

Kyle

The back of the Ladybug was chewed open by Anuki, Obsidian Anuki, when you were attacked on the Prodigious. Did you ever fix that, or did you--? What did you throw over it?

Emily

Dact tape and garbage bags.

Hallie

Just like a giant tarp. We got like a better tarp.

Kyle

You got a better tarp.

Hallie

We got a better tarp.

Kyle

It’s a middle of the road tarp, but it’s held together by dact tape.

[00:45:00]

Hallie

By dact tape. We got, like,

[Laughing.] a second tarp to put under it to make it a good tarp.

Kyle

A double tarp? A darp?

Hallie

We double tarped it, because we thought that would be better than single tarping it.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

But, unsurprisingly, it just makes both tarps less stable.

Hallie

So, it wasn’t a great move, but we tried it, and now we have an extra tarp. There is nothing wrong with having an extra tarp laying around. Do we have spare tires? That may also have been on the list.

Emily

[Grinning.] It doesn’t have tires.

Kyle

It doesn’t have tires! It has legs!

Hallie

Oh that’s right! Step-step-step! Um, do they need shoes? Are we out of shoes? Do we need like Sketchers? I don't know. [Laughs.]

Tom

[Amused.] But they’re like spiky insect legs. Why would it wear shoes?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I was thinking like snowshoes to go through the bog.

Hallie

Yeah, that works too.

Tom

Well, no, hold on, hold on. What if we’re like insects that move on the surface of fluids?

Emily

[Acknowledging the good idea.] Ohhhh…

Kyle

[Joining in with Emily.] Ohh…

Tom

Even though they do that because they’re like, very light.

Kyle

[Laughing.] Small?

Tom

But, what if… science magic.

Kyle

How about this. The propeller beanie hovers you up high enough so that you’re kind of—

Hallie

Ha!

Tom

Running on water?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Like a buzzy insect.

Kyle

Yeah, exactly.

Hallie

Yeah. That’s good.

Tom

Yeeeah.

Kyle

Okay. You got all that, and that was just my segue to you also all got a cypher, so everyone roll me a d12 please.

Ari

Ooh, a d12! Oh boy.

Hallie

[Sounds of dice bouncing off her desk.] Agh! No!

[While rustling through papers.] I have now accidentally knocked two of my dice in the garbage.

Tom

[Overdramatically.] Nooo!

Hallie

Which ironically is where they belong. But like… [Chuckles.] Please, come back.

[Sounds of everyone rolling.]

Eight!

Emily

I rolled an 11.

Tom

[In a silly nasally voice.] I rolled a 5.

Ari

Seven.

Kyle

Okay, so Tom, they bought for you,

[Over-the-top presentational shopping music begins.]

A small bit of fruit that when put in the user’s mouth

[Shopping music stops abruptly.]

places them in a quasi-paralytic state that appears like death

Ari

Hoo-boy.

Kyle

Until the fruit is either swallowed or spat out.

[a long pause.]

Hallie

You need to eat more fruit, Xoc.

Tom

What the fuck?!

[laughter.]

Did you fucking read the label?!

Emily

It was all they had and we were worried about scurvy!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

On this Romeo and Juliet bullshit.

Emily

[Pretending to sob.] It was in the grocery store.

Hallie

This was mixed in with the banonos.

Kyle

Misha, you got a pair of rings that allows one wearer to control or guide the other wearer’s hand.

Ari

Ooh, that’s fun.

Emily

That’s so much better than Romeo and Juliet fruit.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

So much.

Kyle

Yeah. I don't know why you got the ring. It’s shiny. Well, Misha likes shiny things.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

Yeah, it’s pretty shiny. I was going to say that it’s a very shiny ring.

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

Hop, you got something that is honestly kind of ugly but feels oddly applicable for yourself. You have a candelabra—

Hallie

Yes!

Kyle

That has suction cups where the candles should be.

Ari

The fuck?

Hallie

[Giggling.] Fucking yes! Yes.

Kyle

And then finally, Elee, you got a butterfly net.

Tom

Ooh!

Ari

That’s it? It’s just a butterfly net?

Kyle

It’s just a butterfly net.

Emily

Like, just a butterfly net? Okay!

Kyle

The butterfly net has properties, and I will tell you those properties later. You do not know them right now. And in addition to the cyphers and other things you received…

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You got a warning.

[An old mystical tune plays as if from a music box.]

As you were buying things, an old woman looked to you, Hop, and said,

Kyle (as old woman)

Now, you beware those murderous hooligans who have been about.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Murderous hooligans?

Kyle (as old woman)

Ooh, those murderous hooligans.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sorry ma’am, can I ask for more information?

Kyle (as old woman)

Don’t keep going east or you will find them, those murderous hooligans.

Kyle

And she just submerges back into the bog.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Because that’s where she came from.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Mystical music box music ends.]

Kyle

She just came out of the bog, said that, and then just… So, it’s more like “Those murderous hoolig—“ blub, blub. [Gibberish and burbling noises.]

Hallie

Hop will check his map. I assume that east is the exact direction we’re going.

Kyle

Absolutely.

Hallie

And he just goes,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Huh, how about that.

Hallie

Folds it back up, puts it back in his pocket, continues with his life.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Well, I’m gonna pass this on to Elee, though. I’m gonna ask,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Elee, did you see that?

Emily (as Elee)

See what?

Hallie (as Hopper)

The woman who just came out and warned me about murderous hooligans three times?

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Emily (as Elee)

Does she know me?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

I dunno.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

I mean, if she wasn’t talking about me, I don't know.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, we’re not supposed to keep going east, but…

Emily (as Elee)

Well, we’re going east, so…

Hallie (as Hopper)

We’re going east.

Kyle

So you go east… and you go, and you go, and it pretty much gets back to usual. You know, Misha’s driving, keeps probably taking their eyes off the road to look at Xoc.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Tom

Oh, oh yeah.

Ari

Definitely. They’ve definitely been skip stones once in a while together.

Emily & Hallie

[Burst into laughter.]

Kyle

[Suggestively.] If you know what I mean…

[Flatly.] I’m referring to skipping stones, that’s what I’m talking about.

Emily

Elee panics.

Ari

Skip stones and chill!

Tom

We’re so deeply on our bullshit today.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Is it because this is our first quarantine episode? [Gibberish.] Quarantine episode.

Hallie

[Laughing.] It is our first quarantine episode.

Kyle

Elee is panicking all around about everything.

[00:50:00]

Q-BO is helping navigate. Ness is supposed to be the one causing distractions.

Hallie

Well, every time Xoc and Misha make googly eyes at each other… Googly eyes? That’s not the right phrase. I don't know what the right phrase is! [Laughs.]

Tom

I think it’s goo-goo eyes, but I prefer googly eyes.

Hallie

[Announcing with glee.] Goo-goo eyes!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

But no, Ness bought some googly eyes and he just sticks them on top of Xoc’s face, like on glasses.

Ari

On his hood.

Hallie

They somehow ended up on the shopping list.

Kyle

[Laughs.] I like to believe over the course of this trip Ness has gotten every kind of novelty glasses that he could get; like the ones with the swirly eyes, the ones with the Groucho Marx nose and mustache.

Tom

Beaglepuss!

Hallie

Probably, because they’re different everywhere, you know, and you gotta collect them all.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Tom

Why do I hear a theme song in the background?

Hallie

[Singing.] I’m gonna be the very Ness, like no one ever was! [Dissolves into laughing into her hands.]

Kyle

It’s funny you say that, Tom, because you do suddenly hear music, blasting out from speakers behind you. it’s peppy and excited, it’s kind of coarse, as coarse as the rev of multiple racecar engines.

[Fast-paced techno-like music begins with vrooming sounds throughout.]

You hear this song get louder and louder as you hear things brush through the woods, just knocking down the trees, and you see through the canopy, which mysteriously there have been some more fragments in it, so there’s some light coming down… you see two vehicles with neon lights burst out from the woodwork and race towards you.

[Racing music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Tom

The DL6 music starts playing while we talk about…

Ari

[Hums the Phoenix Wright DL6 music.]

Ari

Yeah, like Elee, and the Apocrita.

Tom

[Takes up humming the tune.]

Ari

The Heroes of Navarene… I just pieced together that it’s all around the same time period, give or take, including Misha’s age.

Tom

Did you know the statute of limitations on Karl’s murder is up in three days?

Kyle

[Growing hardy laugh.]

Kyle

And so, once we’re done with that and you’re all done losing your shit in the chat…

[Others giggle.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] I’m sorry!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Did you not see it yet?

Hallie

[Laughing.] I’m sorry!

Kyle

[Smiling.] I was trying to recite the fucking plot!

Hallie

You were doing so well! It was such a good take!

Kyle

I like how Tom has muted himself.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Unnecessary feelings.

Hallie

Shut up! [Laughs.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Of course. Of course Ari brings it back to fucking Phoenix Wright! [Pounds on his desk with each of the last three words.]

Ari

I’m sorry! He said unnecessary, and that’s the first thing that comes to my mind with that word!

Tom

Take that!

[Laughter and groaning.]

Kyle

I need some hard evidence. Show me in the court record where Loell lied to you.

Tom

Why can’t I show his profile?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Why doesn’t this game let me present profiles?

Kyle

Who’s dishing out penalties in The Ninth World? Who’s the judge?

Ari

Uhh—

Kyle

It’s Tommy. It’s Tommy. I’ve decided.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

No one wants that.

Hallie

Tommy Funjudge.

[Laughter.]

Tom

[In a Tommy Funbuck voice.] That objection was trash, my dudes.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He’s a real asshole.

Tom

Yup.

Kyle

But he’s no longer a fun one.

Tom

Nuh-uh.

Kyle

He’s a man asshole now.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He’s an angry man, and that’s never good.

Tom

[Into his hands, clearly bothered.] Ohhh.

Emily

[Giggling.] I’m sorry, he’s a man asshole?

Tom

Well, ready for some Rule 34, everyone?

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

No, please.

Tom

The fan fiction just writes itself.

Tom

The reason I started giggling when you were like “she’s the most single-minded and hate-filled part of the Datasphere,” I was like “alright, so The Lady is 4chan.”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Oh God! Oh no! Why? Why would you do this?

Kyle

Why don’t I have a bunch of anonymous villains from the Datasphere? I could have Anon.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

It’d be perfect. It would fit the thing, like, just a swarm of lost souls howling in the void.

Ari

I made a mistake today.