Ep. 6: The Clockwork City, Part 2

Previously, on Quest Friends…

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.]

Emily

Elee is a very small old lady, she has a folding chair strapped across her back that she fights with. It’s reinforced with the same material that she actually has in her bones.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Hey, you’ve mentioned back in Obsidian Bay you’ve got,um, a--a kazoo, was it? Are we calling it a kazoo?

Ari (as Misha)

Uhh did--did I call it a kazoo? Excuse me, but I did spend all of my, uh, currency payment, or as you would call it information, on this magical step piece.

Kyle (as Tour Guide)

Alright, well, that is the tour of our great city. Please stop at our shopping district if there is anything that you need. 

Kyle

One thing I forgot to tell you, you found 5 pouches of gold with 16 shins in each of them.

Hallie

Wooo!

Kyle

So if you split it evenly, you’ve all got 20 shins. That’s the money! Shins are money, that’s what they are.

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Kyle

Alright, so after that pleasant, wonderful encounter with the tour guide, you all eventually step off the boat and into a circular stone plaza. Tourists and elegantly dressed town folk walk between giant structures of stone and glass that seamlessly fuse a modern, colonnade-heavy look with an assortment of ancient Numenera. It would all be really impressive were it not so oppressively gaudy. There’s a whole bunch of shops here. There was the Chardonnay, there’s a Fancy Tom’s Fancy Hats, and in the corner of the plaza, however, right where you step off, is a five by five chalk square, drawn on the stone pavement, and in the center of this is a metal golden square coin, about the size of a quarter, and tethered to the coin by some rope is a small wooden sign with “Penny in Pocket”, written in cheap paint on its top half, and beneath the name and slightly into the sign, is a flip board with the word “Closed”. And as your eyes turn to this five by five chalk square with that golden coin in the center, the coin shakes for a few moments before a thin pole stretches out from each corner of the coin and touches the corresponding corner of the chalk square. 

[Jumpy, slightly discordant electronic music plays.]

The four poles then bend and prop the center coin up, coming off like a daddy long legs. The quarter continues higher and higher into the sky, eventually making a skeleton of a tent, and from the quarter unfurl four sheets of fabric, bearing the pattern of a starry night sky. The side and front cuts itself in the middle and opens a flap to the inside of the tent. The sign with the name “Penny in Pocket” is now hanging onto the tent a few feet off the ground, and the flip board inside of it flips from “Closed” to “Open”.

Tom 

Xoc is going to clap and jump up and down in delight, and rush into the tent.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Guess we’re going shopping!

Hallie

Hopper says, and then he’s gonna follow Xoc in.

Emily

Yeah, Elee is gonna follow. She’s kind of amused at the excitement but intrigued.

Kyle

As you enter the tent, you find yourself in a much more spacious, but still modest, store lobby. The ceiling seems to be made of the same fabric as the tent, while the floors, walls and shelves are made out of chopped logs, and if you notice, you also would notice there’s a stone in the center of that carpet ceiling that’s just kind of pressing up against it, kind of like a reverse paperweight almost. To your left is a thin person, brandishing a gnarly, wizard-like beard, but he is not, in fact, a wizard. A small chest attached to his front via shoulder straps, and on the side of this chest is a rather large funnel, like a really absurdly large funnel, like, probably the size of his entire torso. And as you look towards this person, for a second you swear you can hear faint carnival music piercing your ears, but that sound is quickly overtaken by the whirring of sword blades and the sting of a hammer. These sounds seem to be coming from a wide staircase in the front right corner, which leads to a room that you just can’t see. A warm light that occasionally flashes with increased vigour is coming from the staircase.

Tom

Uh, are the stairs going up or down?

Kyle

The stairs are going down. And finally, directly in front of you, is a wide desk with multiple shelves, filled with an assortment of oddities, cyphers and artifacts. In the middle of these shelves is another door-sized flap of fabric, and on the desk is a clear coin jar, filled with numerous tubes that curl over each other and spiral downward to the desk. And, most importantly of all, is a young individual, dressed in bookish attire beaming at you.

Kyle (as Bookish Individual)

Hi, welcome to “Penny in Pocket”, the best cyphers and Numenera for the very best of adventurers. My name’s Haymish; how can I help you today?

Tom

Xoc is gonna look around a little unsure what to do, just sort of, like, look at Hopper for guidance and how to act in a store.

Hallie

Hopper is gonna look at Xoc and, be like, oh, he wants me to do a thing. Hopper says,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, I guess we’re pretty good adventurers. Uh, what--what does everyone want?

Tom (as Xoc)

What do they have here?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh, yeah, so, uh, “Penny and Pocket:” we’re a store for--for the best of adventurers, don’t believe what everyone else tells you, um, they’re run by--

Tom (as Xoc)

What does everyone else tell you?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Um, nothing, just,big-- you know, like, big stores, you know, like, [Grumbling.] Fancy Tom’s Fancy Hats. They all claim that their hats give you 0.3 defence; we have only 0.4 and higher. They wouldn’t tell you that. Uh, anyways, my name--my name is Haymish. I run this with my brothers. There’s Ignatius.

Kyle

And he kind of gives a weird look to that bearded guy in the corner.

Kyle (as Haymish)

He deals with--if you want to trade anything, you can talk to him. If you want to build anything, you can talk to Ignatius, he’s down the stairs, over there. And then, uh, uh, I mean, if you wanna buy anything, then you would talk to me. Well, I guess you do need a, um, you do need--you do need a book, don’t you, to know what we have? Give me one second.

Kyle

ANd hu, uh, he goes under the desk, and you just feel, like, slam a little bit, like his back is just slamming against it or something is rattling, and he pulls out a book, probably about a foot thick, and he just slams it down on a table, and says,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Well, this is our entire inventory. It’s--it’s one of the books we have. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

One of the books?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh yeah! No we--we actually have a library system. Yeah, it’s just a little key--

Kyle

And he, like, takes his brochures that are really poorly made, they’re, like, in the same poor handwriting that you saw outside, and it says “Haymish’s Amazing Book Library.” And he says, 

Kyle (as Haymish)

I try to collect every book that I can, so, um, if you just pay for one of the ids, you can check out a book any time you want, and, you know, it may help you out on your tasks or--or whatever.

Kyle

And he hands the brochure to you. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Thoughtfully.] Huh.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Excitedly] Can we get it? Can we get it, please?

Hallie

Yeah, Hopper is actually very interested in this.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I think this would be a good idea. So how does it work? You just use the key, and then it gives you a book?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Yeah, so, how it works is:

[Swooping sound effect.]

Kyle

And then suddenly time freezes for a moment, and we can see, as the audience, Haymish talking to the party and explaining how this library card works. But what we, as listeners, hear is Kyle just reading the effects of it to save himself some hassle. So, the  library access is a small key that one turn scrapes the air and opens up an access to a directory that a player can use to request access to the Penny Library, a vast repository of books on any and every subject. The player can request and hold on to one book at a time. The book can answer one question about a service and asset to a task related to its subject, so, like, lock picking – you can be, like, what kind of thing should I use to open this lock, or you can just use it to be easier, you know, picking the lock. Once per day, you can do this task immediately, otherwise you need to read the book for about 30 minutes before you find the section that answers whatever you’re looking for. Players must hold onto a book for at least a day before checking out a new order, and that costs 5 shins, which are the Ninth World equivalent of dollars. And so time comes back after the GM’s lazy version of explaining out of character, and Haymish says,

[Swooping sound effect.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

So, yeah, that’s basically it! 

Hallie

Hopper isn’t, like, jumping up and down like Xoc probably is, ‘cause Xoc is visibly excited, but Hopper is visibly pleased with this, and he goes,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Huh, that’s really cool! Yeah, yeah, we--we--we should get this!

Kyle (as Haymish)

Okay, that’s super exciting, that would be five shins, please,

Kyle

And he points to the jar.

Hallie

Yeah, Hopper would just deposit his own shins in there.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Alright, you’ve bought that with five shins.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Five shins.

Kyle

And he reaches into the drawer where you see just a deep wave of these coins, unpurchased and unused, and he picks one up and he gives it to you, and says, 

Kyle (as Haymish)

Yeah, so, if you want anything else, feel free to ask me for it, otherwise, um, I--I would say really check out--Ignatius has been building some cool stuff, and I think that would be worth checking out. 

Kyle

Actually, at this point I think we’re gonna just, I think, hop out of character, and, like, you guys have money. I gave you a list of things to buy, you can buy that shit, and we’re just gonna cut out all of the hemin’ and the hawin’ stuff of it.

Tom

How much were book artifacts going to cost again?

Kyle

Book artifacts are generally ten shins.

Tom

Okay. So, I can find that recorder headband we had discussed for ten shins.

Kyle

Yeah. Let me pull the recorder headband, so I can explain what it does. Recorder headband: a leather-like headband with a small device attached. This headband records everything that wearer sees as moving images that can be replayed and reviewed. It stores up to 100 hours of images, depletion 1 in 1D20. If you see something deliberately was, like, I wanna see this moment forever, you’re gonna have to roll that 1D20 to see if it depletes, otherwise it’ll just show you the past days’ worth of recordings and then it automatically deletes it to save memory space. 

Tom

Okay. For the sake of, uh, for visuals, can I make it look like that fake headband I was going to have back when we were first figuring out the visuals, like a little plastic thingy over my eye?

Kyle

Yeah, so explain how that looks, since the viewers--uh, the listeners–whatever--don’t know what we talked about.

Tom

Well, when I was first designing Xoc, I’ve had the idea to give him this Dragon Ball/Scouter-style headband with, like, just a piece of plastic over one eye that he could use to analyze stuff. The original headband wasn’t--it didn’t actually do anything, it was gonna get upgraded later, it was just a piece of plastic he wore to look cool. Buying this artifact now, I feel like would be the perfect time to bring that back.

Kyle

Does Xoc think that it looks cool?

Tom

Oh, yeah.

Kyle

Okay. Haymish is gonna give it to you after you’ve paid, and say,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Well, I don’t mean to say much, but, I mean, that looks super cool!

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, thank you!

Kyle (as Haymish)

Yeah, I didn’t even know we had that; I should buy one!

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Okay, what else are we gonna get? 

Hallie

Can I also buy the shaper key? The cheap one, the five shins one.

Kyle

Yeah. Explain to me how the shaper key works.

Hallie

Shaper key is a wad of putty that can be inserted into a conventional lock. It takes on the form of the key for that lock and then hardens permanently into a functional key.

Kyle

Ari, has anything caught your eye?

Ari

Yeah! Uh, I think the caster clay might be fun.

Kyle

Okay, read to me what caster clay does.

Ari

A mask that wraps around one’s head and adjusts its reflective surfaces to create a image of the wearer’s choice. Generally, lasts about an hour before needing to be charged, but complex images, for example extra masks and hats, may require more energy. Provides an asset to disguise tasks, lowering the difficulty by one step when you attempt to disguise yourself as another person which could be really fun.

Kyle

Haymish will go, 

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh, caster clay, that’s super cool! That’s, um--

Kyle

And he feels around and he says, 

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh I can’t see it anywhere in here. Where--where is it?

Kyle

And you see him reach in the air and pull what looks like an invisible book out of the air, and he starts flipping through it, and he doesn’t see anything so he grabs and he puts it back up, and he pulls a different one, like, on the shelf right next to it, and you can’t see it; it’s just in the middle of the air, and he flips through, and is like,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it!

Kyle

And he runs through that flap to the back of the store, and comes out with a little box that says “Caster clay: starting kit” 

Ari

Ooh!

Kyle

And you see a part which says, “for kids”, and he’s just crossed that out and wrote, “cool adventurers” and he gives it to you and says,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Here’s your caster clay!

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I suppose I am a cool adventurer myself, so this is certainly what I need.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Mhm, very cool.

Ari

So, I have 6 shins left, can I buy another thing?

Kyle

Nooooo! Yes.

Ari

I think I want to get a healing item, that’s what I want to get. I want to get, uhhhhh, spray flesh. Yes. That’s what I want: a spray flash.

Kyle

Okay, what is a spray flesh?

Ari

So, it’s this stainless steel canister that sprays out a sticky gelatine that covers and seals wounds instantly. It’s used to restore 6 points to a character’s might pool, also comes in spray vein and spray mind varieties, but I want to do a spray flesh.

Kyle

Okay, so you buy spray flesh, plonk in those 5 shins, and you get a little box of spray flesh.

Ari

Cool.

Kyle

 And as you get it, Haymish says, 

Kyle (as Haymish)

Now, be careful with that. Once you spray it, it’s a one-time use so it’ll...it’ll just get everywhere.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

That’s fine. Oh, I have 1 shin left, so can I buy a rock?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Uh, yeah, we got, uh, we got lots of rocks! And he pulls out a rock. And since you guys have been so supportive, I’ll--I’ll actually give you the best rock.

Kyle

And he pulls out a small rock and it’s got two pairs of eyes and a wide mouth drawn on it.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Now, I really appreciate the support you guys give me, and that’s a rock fact!

Emily and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Tom

What gave you the right?

Hallie

Hopper will be sighing in the corner, like. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Exhaling exasperatedly.] Oh my god.

Ari

Can I add that to be role-playing-wise because Misha thinks it’s a very important rock just because it looks like a face, like, it looks different than all the other rocks?

Kyle

Yes.

Kyle (as Haymish)

And in fact, if you guys--if you want to help me out,

Kyle

And he points to the ceiling and you see that stone floating up there, and he says,

Kyle (as Haymish)

So, that’s, that’s called a float stone, it’s a piece of rock that floats high into the sky, it has, like, a negative weight of ten pounds, and [Clears throat sheepishly.] ...it doesn’t matter how it got up there...

Kyle

You see Tattertop in the corner just laugh to himself a little bit,

Kyle (as Haymish)

But if you get it down, I mean, you can--you can--you can take it with you. [Sadly.] That...project isn’t gonna happen anymore.

Emily, Hallie and Tom

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

What were you gonna use it for?

Ari (as Misha)

Is it a highly valued item?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Well, um, mmmmm, mmm-- 

Kyle

And you hear Tattertop in the corner say,

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Well, it was less valuable than the jewellery that floated off with it!

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

It was an accident!

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Suuuure it was, brother.

Tom

Xoc would like to use far step to just teleport up to the top of the tent and grab onto the floatstone.

Kyle

Alright, yeah, you do that. Again, that’s about six feet in the air, so I’m gonna need some speed defense to make sure you land on your feet.

Tom (as Xoc)

Weeeeeee!

Tom

Also, once I’ve dropped--

[Dice rolls.]

Mmm, with a five? [Distressed noise.]

Ari

Oh no. Can I--can we catch you?

Kyle

Yeah, Misha try to catch him, roll me some might.

Tom

While I’m falling, uh, can I buy a first aid kit?

All

[Long pause.]

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Um, yeah, give me a--a ranged attack roll to get that shin in that jar.

Tom

Okay. 

[Dice rolls.]

Seventeen.

[Off-tune recorder cover of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” begins.]

Kyle

Seventeen. It dings right in there, and Haymish throws a spray flesh up at you.

Tom

No, a first aid kit, not a spray flesh.

Kyle

Oh, a first aid kit, yeah, he throws first aid kit at you.

[Off-tune recorder cover of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” plays louder.]

Kyle

Hello you...my name wow, that was super awkward. Hi, my name is Kyle, I am the GM. You’ve been listening to my voice an awful lot this past episode, and you might be a little bit confused why I’m not currently weaving a story of fantasy and shopkeeping to you right now. And that’s because I’ve decided to move the announcements at the end of the episode to mid-episode. In this section, I mention important things and also give credit to people who are able to make this podcast happen, and so I felt it was important to put it in some place where people can hear it. Also, it’s only gonna be like one minute. So, first credit goes to you; thank you for listening to this episode. As you can see, this one is a little bit shorter than the rest, this is our shopping episode, which we’ll have about once per arc, generally near the beginning, sometimes it will be a full episode, sometimes it will be a part of an episode, depends on where breaks happen, and for this episode it made sense to make it it’s own self-contained thing. The intro and outro music for this podcast are “Friends” and “Hitoshio”, both by Miracle of Sound, and all the other sound effect and music that I use can be found in the description below. I’ve got another call of action for you this week – leave a review! I admit I don’t know how specifically, but more professional podcasters than I have said that leaving a review, either on iTunes or on whatever app you use can be very helpful. It’s also good to just kind of get a vein on what people are thinking. So last, this week we’ve had two episodes back to back to get onto our regular schedule, but we’ll be continuing as usual, meaning the next episode will be out in two weeks, on Monday, December 18th. I’ll see you then, but I’ll also see you over the course of the rest of this episode too, I guess.

[Off-tune recorder cover of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” begins again and then fades.]

Kyle

Okay, what’s a first aid kit deal?

Tom

It’s a kit of various bandages, salves, and whatnot. It gives you an asset on healing checks, so if you ever make a healing check it’s one step easier.

Kyle

[Gleefully sarcastic.] I don’t know whenever you’ll need healing.

Hallie

We never get hurt, ever!

Kyle

Now, after he has grabbed this healing kit, he is falling to the ground. Misha, give me--give me a roll to try and catch him.

Ari

Oh, okay, I thought that was…

[Dice rolls.]

...I rolled a one.

Hallie, Kyle, Emily and Tom

[Combined laughter and pained noises.]

Kyle

Ooooooh. Ahhhhh. [Upset noise.] Xoc falls entirely, he falls right on his ass, and it’s super embarrassing, and, like, everyone can see and even Haymish is laughing a little bit to himself, but Misha!

Ari

What I was picturing is Misha, like, you know in those cartoons when they try and catch it, but it’s completely the other side, so Xoc just falls.

Hallie

But he falls on the other way.

Tom

That what I was imagining too.

Kyle

Misha, you smash your head against the counter,

Hallie and Tom

[Laughter.]

Ari

Yeah, that sounds perfect. [Laughter.]

Kyle

And a jar of something, we don’t know what, falls on your head and it just kind of sears you, and that’s how you take five points to damage, and you hear Haymish go,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh no, Gerald! 

Emily, Hallie, Ari and Tom

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Oh, poor Gerald.

Emily and Ari

[Laughs harder.]

Hallie

Hopper is just gonna:

Hallie (as Hopper)

We’re so sorry.

Kyle (as Haymish)

N-no, it’s fine, it’s fine.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Strained.] I’ve got it…

Ari (as Misha)

Sorry, my, uh, my aim seems to be...not on point this day. My apologies, Xoc.

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s okay, Misha, are you alright? I have a first aid kit now.

Hallie and Ari

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

I believe I am. My head is more sturdy than it looks.

Tom

How much damage did Misha take again?

Kyle

Five.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, let’s try it, right now. I would like to make a healing check using this first aid kit.

Hallie and Ari

Awwwww.

Kyle

How do healing checks work? This is our first one.

Tom

So, uh, in a healing check, you declare how much damage you would like to heal, and then the difficulty of that check is at the same level as the amount of damage, so in this case it would be a level five task to heal all five points of that damage, which I’m gonna go for, I’m gonna go for broke. But with my first aid kit, it will be one step easier.

Kyle

Okay. Any effort into that?

Tom

Yes, I would like to spend one level of effort.

Kyle

Okay, that makes it a level three, which means he has to roll a nine.

Tom

Mhm. Heart of the cards guide me!

[Dice rolls.]

 I do...seven. [Strained.] Mmmm.

Hallie

Aw.

Tom

Hmm.

Kyle

Well, you tried your hardest. 

Tom

Well, you can repeat healing checks as many as times as you want if you fail. Once you succeed one, you can’t use a healing check on that same person until the next day.

Kyle

So, we’re just gonna sit here for a half an hour with you trying to pull glass shards out of Misha?

Tom

Well, I mean, I--this is costing me intellect points, so I’m not gonna do it, but I wanna make one more try with the same level of effort.

Kyle

Okay. 

Emily

Elee is just in the corner, rolling her eyes.

[Dice rolls.]

Tom

I would like to attempt a third time, with the same level of effort.

Hallie and Emily

[Laughter.]

Tom

Alright, there we go, I did it. Let me just subtract those extra points.

Kyle

Alright, Misha, you’re healed back up to full.

Ari

Misha is going to say,

Ari (as Misha)

I--I truly admire your persistence, Xoc. I wasn’t that hurt, but thank you very much for your efforts, I appreciate it.

Kyle

So, as you were doing that, Haymish has picked up all the shards and he’s looking down at the oozing goo, and he says,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Yeah, no, that was really impressive, actually could you … [Sadly.] No, it’s not gonna work; he’s gone, [Sighs.] and I have to come to terms with that. Again. Could you just give those glass shards to my brother Ignatius? He could probably use them to--to make something.

Tom

And Xoc just sort of holds out his hands.

Hallie

Seeing-- [Stifled laugh.] --seeing Xoc hold out his hands for glass shards, 

Emily and Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Hallie

Hopper is gonna be like,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Be careful!

Emily

Can I stick my hands in the way of the glass shards,

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Emily

And grab them because I have armor?

Kyle

[Muffled, head in hands.] Oh god, this is--this is the handshake all over again.

Emily, Hallie, and Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Misha, do you wanna get into this HOT SHIT?

Ari

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Tom

I think it’s best if Elee takes the glass shards because her hands are literally metal, and the rest of ours are not.

Kyle

Okay. You take the glass shards, I wasn’t gonna make you roll, definitely am not now! Alright, and you walk into--you walk down the stairs into Ignatius’ room, and I have a description here. So, who’s walked downstairs?

Emily 

Me.

Hallie

Me.

Tom

Not I.

Kyle

Alright, just you two?

Hallie

I’m not, like, getting anything, I just didn’t want Elee to go downstairs by herself. 

Kyle

Alright, and then Misha, you’re staying--uh, you’re staying upstairs, right?

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Um. As you walk down the stairs, beads of sweat start to form on most of your skin from the increase in temperature. Once you hit the bottom, you find yourself in a low-ceilinged room, about the size of a bedroom and simmering in warm light. An assortment of tools are neatly shelved and multiple cabinets line the walls, and at the center is a large machine that can be best described as the Swiss Army knife of industrial carpentry equipment. Working on the machine is a larger individual with an ill-fitting, yet disarming moustache. As you enter, you watch him put the finishing touches on a piece of armor, which he places inside a deep blue box. He then taps the box which flutters out of existence, leaving a behind a small little piece of paper, a small little receipt. The smith, who you would know is Ignatius, then picks up the paper and places it in his pocket before turning over and noticing you. 

Kyle (as Ignatius)

So, it happened again with Haymish, didn’t it?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uhh.

Emily (as Elee)

[Sighing.] What was in the jar?

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Y-you don’t wanna know.

Kyle

And he takes the glass shards and put them in a pocket, and he says,

Kyle (as Ignatius)

I’m Ignatius, I’m the--I’m the smith here. I make all sorts of products, I anything you want, I can also upgrade your armor! Is there anything I can help you with?

Emily (as Elee)

Can you make it stronger?

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Well, define strength, ma’am, strength comes in many shapes and forms--”

Emily (as Elee)

Okay, okay, I mean--

Kyle (as Ignatius)

In fact, when I was younger, I thought strength was the strength of a man lifting something, but I’ve found out it’s the strength in one’s heart, the strength in one’s mind, the strength of the--

Emily (as Elee)

I wanna hit things.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Very well, ma’am, do you want an upgrade to your weaponry?

Emily (as Elee)

Well, I was thinking that I could hit things with my body, like, make myself into a weapon.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Okay!

Emily (as Elee)

That’s, like, inner strength, right?

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Uhh…

Tom and Ari

[Laughing harder.]

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Yeah, sure, why not. What kind of upgrade would you like on your armor, ma’am?

Emily (as Elee)

What would you suggest if I wanted to hit things with my body?

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Well, if you wanted to hit things, I suppose I could stick some, uh, if you have some sort of, like, sharp object, I could stick things in it, like, you know, that over there, 

Kyle

And you see him point to a small cylinder, made out of wood, that looks like what humans would think of as bat, just bunch of nails hammered to it.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

I mean, I did that thing, so, like, I--I could do that, but I would need something to make it sharper with.

Emily (as Elee)

Do you have nails?

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Um, wha--

Emily (as Elee)

Because if you have nails, can you make them come out of my fists?

Kyle (as Ignatius)

[VERY concerned.] Like, your physical fists, ma’am.

Emily (as Elee)

Yeah, like my fists, like if I hit things.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

And you’re sure you don’t want a glove?

Emily (as Elee)

Um, there’s more metal than finger anyway. 

Kyle (as Ignatius)

[Concern continuing to grow.] Well, um, yes, I suppose I can do that. Uh...

Emily (as Elee)

Can you make them come in and out? Like when I--when I clench my fists, like, they come out of my knuckles, like, to punch things.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Uh, well, I mean, yeah, I suppose so, though that might take me--that might take me a little bit of while. 

Kyle

Since you’re requesting a custom weapon and you don’t have any equipment to give him to make it, it will take him about a chapter’s worth of time to develop this for you.

Emily

I mean, I do have a large toolkit which includes the spikes that I’ve already put in my body. Can I give him spikes?

Hallie

[Spit take, dissolving into laughter.] I’m sorry, the way you said that!

Tom and Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Ignatius)

I--I knew it would come to it someday, I suppose. Uh, sir, y-you might not want to see this, uh, in fact, could you, uh, could you get rid of any nails that I have around here? 

Kyle

And he points to the bat and says, 

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Just--just take that upstairs, I can’t bear to look at it anymore.

Hallie

Hopper is more than happy to leave at this point; he can’t-- [Laughter.] he just, like, does the, like, alright, and then takes the bat and goes upstairs.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Alright, 20 shins please, ma’am.

Emily

I’m gonna slap the shins on the worktable and slide them over to him.

Kyle

[Head in hands, voice muffled.] Alright. We’re gonna flash away from this demon scene for a second. 

Hallie and Emily

[Cackling laughter.]

Kyle

You just hear the, like, pained screams of Ignatius and the cackling laughter of Elee, as you just hear the machines whirr. And Hop comes up carrying a bat with nails in it.

Hallie

Hop comes up wearing a bat--carrying--wearing a bat--carrying a bat.

Kyle,

Carrying--n-no you’re wearing it. 

Emily

[Laughter.]

Kyle

It’s just like--you know the supercool thing where, like the guy’s got, like, the bat behind his head, and he’s just like, you know, the teenage model pose?

Hallie

Oh, you’re doing this, but there are nails out of it; that sounds like it’d be uncomfortable.

Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

So, Hop’s not doing that, he’s just carrying it.

Emily and Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Hopper Scotch, I am very concerned.

Hallie (as Hopper)

This? Oh, no, this was just down there; Elee didn’t want it. She’s, um...buying stuff.

Emily

[Wheezes.]

Ari (as Misha)

But it’s such a curious type of weapon: it seems to be made of wood, but it has nails into it. Is it--is it a really rare weapon for humans to use?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Nah, I think he just hammered nails into a bat. Do you want it?

Ari (as Misha)

Well, it is quite unique, I have never encountered any of these in any of my research about humans before.

Hallie (as Hopper)

You mean, you haven’t encountered nails hammered into a bat as part of research into humans?

Hallie, Kyle and Emily

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

Indeed! 

Ari and Kyle

[Laughter.]

Ari

May I request holding it?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah.

Hallie

He’ll hand it, but he will make sure to, like, flip it upside so he is handing her the handle and not the part that is covered in nails. You know, the way someone hands you scissors, but they make sure not to hand you the sharp part.

Ari

I appreciate it. Misha is just gonna start batting it, like, 

Hallie

Hopper ducks immediately, like, no!

Hallie and Ari

[Laughter.]

Ari

Can he do the thing where he just ducks right underneath the bat?

Hallie 

[Laughing.] Yes!

Kyle

So, Misha, so this bat is a medium weapon, but it does have one point of piercing damage, so essentially if you hit someone with it, their armor is gonna count as one less. 

Ari

Ooh!

Kyle

But something curious happens when you grab it, like, when you feel it and you extend it for a moment, it feels like your arm is complete again.

Ari

[Laughter.]  I’m Sweeney Todd now! With a bat!

Kyle

Yeah, but Sweeney Todd references aside, you don’t feel complete, but something about the curious, haphazard nature, the ingenuity of the ways in which you can just...basically murder people, something about it feels like home, something about this ingenuity of this weapon, of pain and destruction, just feels--feels like home.

Ari

Oooh. So, Misha is going to be a little bit interested on it, and slightly scared, but the interest is going to override the fears that they have about it. They’re just going to look at Hop and say,

Ari (as Misha)

Can I keep it?

Hallie

Uh, Hop is gonna look at Haymish and say,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Do we need to buy it? How much is it?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Um, I don’t know, a shin?

Ari (as Misha)

Uh, I have no shi--I have spent all of my money. [Laughter.]

Hallie

Hopper will just sigh, and then take a shin out of his pocket and put in the jar.

Emily, Hallie and Ari

[Laughter.]

Ari 

I spent my shin on a rock!

Everyone

[Laughing harder.]

Kyle

So, uh, we should probably--th-this shopping has gone so much longer than I thought. I’m sorry, dear listeners. We’re gonna flash back. The procedure is done, it’s over with. So, Elee, what were the kind of things--describe the metal that you gave--that you gave him.

Emily

[Trying not to laugh.] Am I Wolverine now?

Tom

Is it azure steel?

Kyle

Yeah, it’s--oh shit, it’s azure steel, which is this kind of blueish metal.

Tom

You can stab incorporeal enemies, I think.

Hallie and Emily

[Laughter.]

Hallie

You can stab motherfucking ghosts now! [Laughter.]

Kyle

So, Elee has these azure steel--three of them--things that come out of her fists--her fists are normally medium weapons and they do four damage normally. Now that you are the motherfucking Wolverine, they do six damage. 

Emily

[Mischievously.] You’re welcome!

Kyle

Right, anything else you want to buy?

Hallie

Is she coming upstairs now?

Emily

[Gleefully.] Elee rises from the basement victoriously, clenching and unclenching her fists.

Tom

Xoc is going to look very relieved that Elee is okay, then rush up asking,

Tom (as Xoc)

Are you--are you alright? They didn’t do anything to you down there, you’re fine?

Emily (as Elee)

I’m more than fine; they did just what I needed.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, last time I was told that someone just went shopping, they were actually dead.

Emily (as Elee)

Oh..um, no. No, I just got really pointy things that come out of my fists, and that makes other people dead and keeps me from being dead. 

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, it is quite a coincidence, I also got something with really pointy things, coming out from what I would consider an extension of my arm.

Ari

They will show Elee that.

Emily (as Elee)

Oohhhhhhh.

Emily

I’m gonna grab it and just swing it around as hard as I can.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh no, please don’t do that, please don’t--!

Kyle

You smash something else.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Sighing loudly.]

Emily

I hand it back sheepishly.

Ari (as Misha)

Please do be careful with it, but I would like to see what pointy things have been introduced to you.

Emily

So, I can gauge how big they are pretty well, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

Okay, I want to get just the right distance away and shoot them out of my fist, right in front of--no! [Hands over mouth in horror, voice muffled.] Never mind!

Kyle

Give me a roll, give me a roll.

Emily

Oh no!

Kyle

 Just ‘cause you know how long they are doesn’t mean it’s not gonna be tough.

Emily

[Dice rolls.]

Thirteen.

Kyle

Yeah, you do it.

Emily

I want it just, like, an inch from Misha’s nose.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oh god. 

Emily (as Elee)

Look!

Ari (as Misha)

Ooh.

Ari

Misha is--Misha’s gonna be pretty unfaced by this, and be like,

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, that’s quite impressive!

Hallie

Hopper is going quietly up to Haymish and saying,

Hallie (as Hopper)

What--what--what did she break? Was it--was it expensive? Was it important?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Well, no, it’s--it’s--it’s fine. No, it’s fine.

Emily (as Elee)

Did we break a friend?

Kyle (as Haymish)

[Sadly.] No, it’s just--it was just a cypher, it wasn’t going to be any good anyway.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Obliviously.] Well, that’s good to hear, I’m done shopping.

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Xoc)

How about you guys?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, I thi--I think--I think we should go.

Kyle

As you leave “Penny and Pocket”, a single tear rolls down Haymish’s cheek.

Emily and Tom

[Laughter.]

Emily

Oh no.

Hallie

I was gonna pay for it, maybe… [Laughter.]

Ari

Maybe.

Hallie

Well, depending, I only have thirteen shins now.

[Outro music begins.]

Kyle

And as you leave, so much faster than it was put together that tent just collapses back into the, like, just the single coin against the floor.

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I do believe this is certainly a quite entertaining experience for shopping, it being my second ever experience doing these things. We should do it again, soonly!

[Outro music swells.]

[Episode ends 33:09]