Ep. 61: One Neon Night, Part 3

[Intro song carries into the episode, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound.]

Kyle

[Mockingly.] I’m Hallie imitating a voice.

Tom

[Laughs.] I know who the character is because I heard him through the wall.

Kyle (as Viv)

That driving was absolutely tubular, guys!”

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You are inside, now, of this big vehicle which they call Big Red. In the front you see two figures in coveralls which you are acutely familiar with.

[Aggressive rock music begins.]

The one on the right is a round-faced teenager, and the one on the left, a slightly older woman with shaved head on one side of her face who’s driving and looking at you real excited and talking about how tubular your driving was. The round-faced teen adds,

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

Yeah! We haven’t had to race against anyone like that in a long time. I told you you’d make a great Speedy Speed Boy!

Tom

Xoc is just going to say, because it was just Hopper and Misha who met Viv and Baby Jason at the rollercoaster.

Ari

Oh, really?

Tom

Xoc’s going to say,

Tom (as Xoc)

I’m sorry. Do we- Have we met before?

Ari (as Misha)

I don’t believe you did, but Simon Scotch and I met them back in Roulettia. They are two unexpected humans that keep appearing at very interesting moments.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

The one with the shaved hair goes,

Kyle (as Viv)

I’m Viv~

Kyle

And the teen responds back,

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

And I’m Baby Jason!

Kyle (as Viv & Baby Jason simultaneously)

And we are the Speedy Speed Boys at work!

Kyle

They make this motion with their hands where each of them makes an L and then they cross them over to make a W.

Hallie

Like loser, winner.

Ari

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

Hop will be like,

Hallie (as Hopper)

It’s nice to see you again.

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

It’s always a pleasure to see the person who saved us, someone so reckless that they faced the Iron Wind themselves!

Ari (as Misha)

It is sure nice to see you again, and surprising as well. I did not expect to find you in such company.

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

I know. People are always surprised when they see how cool we the Speedy Speed Boys are.

Kyle

He motions towards the other people in your cabin. This is who you see in your cabin. You see a man with a large beard and various mutations poking out of his body, particularly a lot of mushrooms poking out of his head.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Ari

Ew.

Kyle

But the person you’re most focused on is the woman sitting in front of you.

[Steady astral music begins, Ein’s theme.]

This person who was formally known as the astronaut, but now you can see by the way she was pointed to when they said Ein you can figure out her name is Ein, is probably the most peculiar person you’ve met so far. She wears this large astronaut suit with these blue gloves that seem to be part of an under-suit, but what’s most fascinating to you is her face. She’s at this point taken off her helmet and you can see actually the blue under-suit snakes up to about underneath her chin, and on her face you see what can only be described as one of those really old dolls, like the ones you find at your grandma’s house.

She’s got these painted on, motionless eyes and this just really colorful paint that seems to be flaking in places and smeared in others, like she apparently had freckles at one point and they’re smeared there. The only thing that seems to be immaculately still kept together is actually her icy blue hair which extends outward.

Elee, you would recognize Ein as being a visitant called a Simile. Similes are these adorable doll-like recreations of human beings. They’re extremophiles with extremely bitter bones who struggle in human climates. That’s why she has the suit on, and in fact as she takes the helmet off you can tell it’s a lot colder in here than it normally is in order to just keep her normal. You would recognize them from your whirlwind journey of how many species can Emily sleep with.

[Ein’s theme ends abruptly.]

Emily

[Laughing.] Can “Emily” sleep with?!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Sorry! How many species can “Elee” sleep with?

Emily

Okayyy!

Hallie

That makes me feel less bad about the regular amount of times I have typed Emily instead of Elee.

Ari

It’s very similar.

Kyle

The figure turns to all of you and says,

Kyle (as Ein)

Are those comfortable?

Kyle

She points towards these colorful licorice handcuffs that you all have on all of yourselves.

Hallie

Oh. We’ve all been cuffed. Alright.

Kyle

Yeah, you’ve all been cuffed.

Hallie

No. [Laughs.]

Kyle

So… Let’s go back. Let’s flash back to what happened.

Emily

[Laughs.]

[Whooshing sound to signify the flashback beginning.]

Hallie (as Ness)

Well who are these salamos?

Ari

[Laughing.] Salamos.

Kyle

They’re all surrounding you and have their faces covered in shadow. The only thing you can make out of them is their leather coveralls.

Hallie (as Ness)

Aw, sick.

Kyle

Except what looks to be a fusion between an astronaut suit and a pit crew suit with these blue lines running down the side.

[00:05:00]

The astronaut turns to all of you and, for the first time, opens her visor which reveals a tuft of icy blue hair and two large, motionless painted-on eyes, and the astronaut says, breathless,

Kyle (as Ein)

Misha Jarvis?

Ari (as Misha)

You?

Kyle

So what happened is this figure got really excited and was like,

Kyle (as Ein)

Misha Jarvis! It is you!

Kyle

And actually tried to walk in for a hug.

Ari

Um, Misha will allow the hug but won’t necessarily give it back. They will just stand there.

Kyle

This lady, who again you later know is named Ein, just starts awkwardly rambling about things.

Kyle (as Ein)

Now I knew that you would come back eventually. Other people weren’t sure, but I had a feeling that somewhere deep down you remembered.

Kyle

As she keeps rambling, the mushroom man starts slapping these handcuffs on all of you.

Hallie

What about Ness?

Tom

[Imitating Ness.] You’ll never take me, coppers.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Ness)

I’m under arrest.

Emily

What about Q-BO?

Kyle

Q-BO just gets one wrapped around him as a whole.

Kyle (as Ein)

Oh! Right. I almost forgot.

[Whooshing sound to signify the flashback ending.]

Kyle

And now we’re gonna go back to the present, and Ein who has been very silent this whole time is going to say,

Kyle (as Ein)

I am really sorry about the licorice locks.

Ari (as Misha)

Are you?

Kyle (as Ein)

It is a mandate by the babyface of the Speedy Speed Boys.

Kyle

And babyface in this case is a term for the leader.

Kyle (as Ein)

And if we don’t work together as a team, well then, we don’t work at all. I’m sure he’ll understand, though, what happened.

Ari (as Misha)

What exactly did we do against whatever rules you have? We were just driving.

Kyle

The mushroom man turns over to you and says,

[Peppy, upbeat music, Fungi’s theme, begins.]

Kyle (as mushroom man)

Oh boy. Well driving right into the Iron Wind is real dangerous, especially as we were trying to warn you the whole time that it was dangerous. But that’s not the reason why. Apparently the babyface has some issue with you, my friend.

Kyle

He extends his hand out to you, Misha Jarvis.

Kyle (as mushroom man)

My name’s Fungi. It’s because my friends say I’m a fun guy.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

Jesus Christ.

Tom

[Through a huge smile.] Oh my god.

Emily

I have a question.

Kyle

Yeah?

Emily

What are these made of? Because, can I have been sawing through?

Tom

Yeah, I was gonna, like, can Xoc nibble on the licorice lock and see if it’s edible?

Hallie

Would we eat them?

Kyle

You can, but I don't know if you want to, because—

Tom

Is it black licorice?

Kyle

Yes.

Tom

Ew…

Hallie

Nobody wants that.

Emily

[Squeakily.] I like black licorice.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Well, Elee’s fine.

Kyle

Yeah, Elee’s okay.

Emily

Because Elee’s very on edge she’s gonna step slightly in front of Misha.

[Peppy music fades.]

Emily (as Elee)

I’ve been trying this new thing where I’m very compassionate and I don’t murder people, but if you’re going to threaten one of my children I can make an exception.

Kyle

Ein’s face turns away again.

Kyle (as Ein)

Did you know that the only species that has survived every single world from the first one to this one is the octopi?

Emily (as Elee)

Yeah, they’re the worst.

[Quirky music, “derp away”, begins.]

Kyle (as Ein)

[Nervous and stammering.] Oh. Well… I, well—um, well…

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Emily (as Elee)

Okay, they’re not the worst, I just was really mad at one once.

Hallie (as Ness)

No, you’re right, they’re the worst.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering.] No, I’m being diplomatic, Ness. Shush.

Kyle (as Ein)

Actually, on a—

Kyle

And she perks up again.

Kyle (as Ein)

Actually, on a scale of the most disliked species, the space anglers rank high above any other species on the planet.

Tom

God!

Hallie (as Ness)

[Saddened.] Well I like space anglers.

Tom

How dare you, Ness.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Emily (as Elee)

I would’ve thought it would be humans.

Kyle

And Fungi says,

Kyle (as Fungi)

You’ll have to forgive Ein there. She doesn’t know how to make friendly conversation, so she just tends to spout out random facts that she knows to show that she’s not threatening.

Ari (as Misha)

Well, here is a random fact for you. Your leader, babyface, has apparently a problem with me, but the fact is it doesn’t seem that he has a problem with the rest of my friends. Then why, if that’s the fact, are they also captured with me?

[Quirky music ends.]

Kyle

That’s when Viv and Baby Jason pop up again from the front.

Kyle (as Viv)

Well that one’s simple, Misha. That’s because your team is as important as you.

Kyle

They each whip out an L with one of their hands.

[Upbeat rock music plays briefly.]

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

Yeah, because alone we’re losers, but together,

Kyle

And they cross their Ls to make a W.

Kyle (as Viv & Baby Jason simultaneously)

We’re winners!

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Misha)

I do not wish to insult you, because I do really like you, but the other possibility could be that together you are just two losers.

Tom

Ohhhh!

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

I do not mean to apply it to you, it is just another possibility.

Hallie

Just letting you know.

Tom

Ohhh shit!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Misha is not in a good space right now.

Kyle (as Viv)

No Baby Jason, you silly boy, now’s not the time to cry.

Emily

[Gasps and yelps.]

Tom

[Sobs.] Oh nooo.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh no! My apologies. I did not want—You all are winners. I am just saying that not in every situation the team is responsible for what one other person does.

[00:10:00]

Tom

[Breathy.] Oh no.

Kyle

Viv turns back to you.

Kyle (as Viv)

Besides, our babyface is a very kind leader. He should understand your situation.

Kyle

And Ein, you can tell, is not completely buying that, as she just faces off into the distance and just murmurs to herself.

[Synth music begins and swells.]

Kyle (as Ein)

Yes… he better.

Kyle

It’s at that point you’re able to take a look out of this vehicle, out of Big Red. Up to this point it’s been the complete darkness. You’ve gone back into the Ba-Adenu Forest and it’s been completely dark, but then you just see a small neon light with an arrow that says “Heading into the Speedy Speed Boys Hideout. Welcome to Coachman’s Tree.” And then,

[Snaps.] Just like that, colors, so many fucking colors assault your vision. As you focus your eyes this attack does not let up, but you’re able to better piece together where each of the dozens of neon lights originate from. what you see is what it would look like if you took a broken down amusement park and shoved it into the roots of a giant metal tree.

Hallie

At the absolute assault of colors in this place, Hopper takes out the sunglasses he’s had since last arc.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Aw shit.

Kyle

Pods, teacups, floats, they’re all haphazardly shoved into wire meshing that, when taken alone, seem to be just tubes lined with glow sticks, but when put into a larger context these above-ground mesh tunnels form a network more akin to the roots of a tree, and you can tell that you’re being taken to the center.

Ari

Misha is pretending that they don’t care about any of this, but it’s really hard for them because they really like all of the colors. They’re trying to be like that but also just keep looking at all of the nice colors around them.

[Synth music ends.]

Kyle

[Chuckles.] The colors are most strong where your vehicle stops.

[Dramatic music increases in volume, an introductory-type song.]

You notice through the windows that you’re in a large domed space. The center of this tree as opposed to being like a trunk is just a big dome. Lining the outside of this dome you see giant wooden bleachers and they’re filled with people in these leather coveralls.

[Sounds of a crowd cheering joins the music.]

They’re chanting something, but you can’t quite make it out. As you make your way out of Big Red you start to hear this chant more.

[Starting quiet and growing louder.] Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy! Jimmy!

You get pushed out into the center of this colosseum. As you get pushed out you see Viv and Baby Jason each give you a thumbs up. Ein just sets her hand on your shoulder, kind of comforting, like you’ll be okay, and you can see the neon lights form a walkway into the center of this colosseum.

[Dramatic music fades and devolves into sounds of a cheering crowd.]

Kyle (as ???)

[Announcing dramatically.] Speedy Speed Boys!

Kyle

You see at the end a neon spotlight goes onto this figure who turns around. He’s a large man wearing a tank top, sweatpants, and has a giant wrestler belt with a W on it, and he holds a microphone in his hand.

Kyle (as ???)

Speedy Speed Boys, repeat after me!

Kyle

He lifts up his other hand and makes an L shape with his fingers.

Kyle (as ???)

Alone we’re losers!

Kyle

And everyone else in the crowd takes their Ls and crosses it with their friend, and you hear them chant back.

[Cheering sounds return.]

Kyle (as crowd)

But together we’re winners!

Kyle (as ???)

That’s right Speedy Speed Boys, and today we’re gonna finally find ourselves confronted with the biggest loser of them all, someone who acted entirely of their own accord!

[Cheering fades.]

Kyle

And the light shines down on you, Misha, and everyone else around you, but it’s really focused on you.

Emily (as Elee)

[Hushed.] Misha, did you do something like I did?

Hallie

Ness is waving to the crowd because he thinks he’s a celebrity.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as ???)

Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten, Misha Jarvis! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what you’ve done!

Ari (as Misha)

Well, and what if I did?

[Giggling.]

Kyle (as ???)

Well, in that case, let me remind you of who you’re dealing with!

[Heavy rock music begins.]

Misha Jarvis, you have been summoned to face punishment for your crimes! You have come to face off once and for all against your greatest rival and the leader of the Speedy Speed Boys! You’ve come to face off against me, Jimmy Win!

[Heavy rock music carries into the announcements.]

[00:15:00]

Kyle

Hello! Welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends Episode 61: One Neon Night, Part 3. I realized after editing last episode’s announcement break that having our arc start with the word “one” can be very confusing when doing numbers, but I’ve committed to it, so it’s just gonna sound a little weird every time I say the episode number and then the arc number.

So, our last couple of announcement breaks have been kind of busy, and as a result I haven’t been able to put forward the proper credit for things like names, characters, and sensitivity readers, so I’m gonna go through each of those in kind.

First off, I wanna give a big shout-out to Kyle Patrick, or its_ya_boi_frodis, with underscores between each word, there’s a link below that you can see how it’s spelled. Back for our one year anniversary we raffled off a lot of things, and one of them was an NPC that an audience member was able to include. Kyle has been infinitely patient as I have taken his idea and put the character in the last arc possible. While her Quest Friends version is different from her original version, Ein is based off an original character of Kyle. He told me all about this character and the context she existed in and then worked with me to take that character and really adapt her for the Quest Friends universe. So just thank you so much Kyle for bringing Ein to the show and I really hope you are enjoying her, as I hope everyone else is.

Some other parts of the show that have come from audience engagement are two names which come from our name pool. If anyone is not familiar with our name pool, if you tweet or tumblr out at us with the hashtag #QuestFriends you get added to a pool that I use when naming things like areas, locations, events, people, basically if I don’t have a strong name in mind already I’ll go to the pool. For example, the civilization of Vos which was what Loell was talking about all the way back in Episode 1 is actually named for Ginny Vos, or @ginny_vos on Twitter, and JIMMY WIN is named for Peter Huynh, or @PeterTheHuynh also on Twitter.

Thanks so much for listening to the show and for sharing your thoughts about it. Again, if you wanna be included on the name pool just tweet or tumblr out with the hashtag #QuestFriends. I should note that I only use the hashtag when adding folks to the pool. If someone @’s us I do not add them to the pool just so that folks can reach out to us without worrying of getting their name added to a pool if they don’t necessarily want it there.

Finally, two more final credits. Big Red the giant Volkswagen Beetle is named for an actual giant Volkswagen Beetle called Big Red. It’s not as big as our Quest Friends version, but as someone who has been inside of Big Red it’s pretty dang big. If you wanna learn more about Big Red and the Walter Community of Giant Vehicles, which is a project that Emily’s father actually has a large part in, you can check out a link to that below.

Finally, down by Kyle, down by Ginny, down by Peter, down by the Walter Family of Vehicles, you can find a link to the sensitivity readers that we contacted for this arc. Every time we do a new arc on Quest Friends we reach out to a handful of sensitivity readers on specific topics. So, for example, we talked to a lot of folks about Misha’s arc and really making sure that was not getting into any bad territory. We also talked a lot about Ein and how to represent the fact that she is blind, which has not come up yet but will come up. I think I mention it next episode. So, if you’re interested in some sensitivity reading you can find a link to those folks below alongside, again, the giant cars which I cannot stress enough are really, really cool.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our episodes have been a bit late these past few weeks. I’m actually gonna be taking a week off of work, in a little bit, in a short while, to hopefully get ahead of that so that we’re releasing consistently on Mondays again. So with that in mind, while it is no guarantee, our goal is to have the Cookie Con Part 2 out in only a few days out on Monday, July 13. That same day at 7 PM Central we will be having our final episode of Sonic Adventure 2 roleplay, the roleplaying stream where Hallie and I and some other actual play podcasters get together and retell the story of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. Again, that will be on Twitch, so we’ll have an episode in the morning, we’ll have a Twitch stream at the night, and then the week after that, on Monday, July 20, we will be releasing our next episode, One Neon Night, Part 4. I’ll see you then.

[Heavy rock music carries out of the announcements.]

[00:20:00]

Kyle

Okay so there are three things that you need to know about Jimmy. First, Jimmy is BUILT. He looks like one of those world’s strongest men who pulls trains. He’s just a fucking square of fat and muscle. The second thing about Jimmy is that he’s TRANSGENDER. And the third and most important thing about Jimmy Win that you need to know is that Jimmy’s GOT BEEF.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

With YOU, Misha Jarvis!

Emily (as Elee)

Misha, do you need me to stab him?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Misha)

No, it is okay, Elee B.

Emily (as Elee)

Are you… sure?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Misha)

Yes, I can—

Kyle

[Laughing.] Did you wink?!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Misha)

It is okay. I do not know why this person is calling me his greatest rival, but I can handle this myself. You do not need to get involved.

Emily (as Elee)

Okay.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Oh yeah!

Kyle

Oh YEAH!

[Laughter.]

I’m sorry.

Emily

Hnn!

Tom

What…?

Kyle

[Smiling.] I just broke into the Kool-Aid Man for a second.

Hallie

[Squeaky, unintelligible words beneath laughter.] …Kool-Aid Man!

Kyle

OH YEAH, MISHA!

Hallie

It’s funny, because like, instead of making an entrance like the Kool-Aid Man he’s just been there the entire time and no one noticed, and that’s really funny.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Are you entirely okay, Hallie?

Hallie

[Laughing, nearly crying.] No! No I’m not.

Kyle

Yeah, let’s just say the Kool-Aid Man is over there in the corner, just excited, and goes-- 

Kyle (as the Kool-Aid Man)

OH YEAH.

Hallie

[Laughs.] He’s been there the whole time.

Kyle

Just in response to everything that Jimmy’s about to say, he’s just Jimmy’s hype man.

Hallie

[Wheezing, trying and failing to speak.]

Tom

Have they ever done a tag team wrestling championship?

Kyle

[Chuckling.] What?

Tom

Kool-Aid Man and Jimmy Win, have they ever done like a tag team wrestling championship?

Kyle

Oh, absolutely. Oh absolutely. They go way back.

Hallie

So it’s the Hi-C man, because he’s the hype man.

[Coughs laughing.] He’s Hi-C.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Oh, that’s right! Misha Jarvis does not need anybody else… to do a murder, for Misha Jarvis is the most ferocious heel in all The Ninth World.

Kyle

You can hear the crowd go (shush, hiss), they’re like whispering to themselves real afraid.

Ari

Misha will look really uncomfortable with that, but they will try to appear unphased, but it’s kind of not possible.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Emily (as Elee)

Has he even met Misha?

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Oh, you’re questioning—Are you questioning my understanding of—

Emily (as Elee)

Yes. Yes I am.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Well…

Kyle

Then he realizes that you’re like a very old lady, and you can just see his complexion waver a little bit, because he’s not used to being mean to grandmas.

Emily

[Laughs.]

[Bouncy, quirky music begins.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Well, uh, ma’am… Let me explain. Let Jimmy explain himself. You see, I have never met Misha Jarvis, but…

Kyle

And he looks to the side dramatically.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

But the thing is that they did to my grandpa, ol’ papa, they ruined his reputation and the reputation of the Speedy Speed Boys! We all know it. They all think of the Speedy Speed Boys as dangerous.

Kyle

And everyone else goes DANGEROUS!

Kyle (as Jimmy)

They think of us as monsters!

Kyle

And the crowd goes MONSTERS!

Kyle (as Jimmy)

They think of us…

[Gravely, less shouty.] as murderers.

Kyle

And the crowd goes

[Weakly.] murderer…

And those words echo throughout the colosseum you’re in, but they echo in a different tone for a brief second in the back of Misha’s mind.

[Bouncy music ends.]

Kyle (as ???)

[Deep, monstrous and reverberating.] No! Dangerous! Monster! Murderer!

Ari

Okay.

Tom

Can Xoc shout something out and say,

Tom (as Xoc)

Alright, that’s great and all, but how about you present us some evidence. What are you even talking about? How do we even know that Misha Jarvis has ever been here? There are lots of different Jarvis models, probably.

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

Xoc, Elee, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you truly haven’t met me for long. How would you know that they are not correct on things?

Kyle (as Jimmy)

And how do we know you, the pit crew, are not collaborators with this ferocious heel?!

Tom (as Xoc)

What are you even talking about? Heels? Pit crews? What does any of this mean?

Kyle (as Jimmy)

What this MEANS, boy…

Kyle

[Laughing.] I’m sorry.

Emily

“Boy-o.” [Laughs.]

Kyle and Hallie

[In shrill voice.] Boy-o!

[00:25:00]

Tom

Xoc’s gonna do a pouty face, like that Dipper pout that I sent in the old days.

Kyle

The best part is that Jimmy is probably like at oldest 20 years old.

Ari

Oh boy.

Kyle

He is probably the same age if not younger than Xoc.

Tom

Smol babby wrestler.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Twanging synth music begins.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Misha Jarvis is the reason why the reputation of the Speedy Speed Boys has been tainted for 45 years!

Hallie (as Hopper)

Forty-five years?

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Misha is the Speedy Speed Boy who ruined the reputation for the rest of us! And now, it is time for them to face the righteous justice of JIMMY!

Kyle

At that point, two voices pop out in unison.

Kyle (as Baby Jason & Viv)

We demand a trial by drift!

[Twanging music ends.]

Kyle

The crowd goes silent, and another spotlight appears, and you can see that it is focused on, arm in arm, Baby Jason and Viv.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Baby Jason and Viv! What is this nonsense?!

Kyle (as Viv)

The only nonsense that’s going around is how you’re mistreating our good friend.

[Rocking surfer-type music begins.]

Kyle (as Baby Jason)

Right! Remember that righteous drifter we talked about who saved us back in Roulettia?

Kyle

And everyone’s like oh yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah, oh yeah, they almost got themselves killed.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Viv)

Well, that drifter was none other than this Misha who I think it’s very unreasonable you’re calling them a murder, so…

Kyle

And they repeat again.

Kyle (as Baby Jason and Viv)

We demand a trial by drift, as is every right of the Speedy Speed Boys!

[Surfer music ends.]

Hallie

So, Hop’s been pretty quiet because he doesn’t know what their responses to everything that’s going on is going to do, but he has been taking notes about, like, oh there was a murder 45 years ago, that’s why I was warned about the Speedy Speed Boys. 

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Let me update the court record quickly.

Hallie

Exactly! I assume that his hands are still cuffed, but he’s managed with his little historical adventurer’s journal, taking notes, but at trial by drift, he’s like,

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Exasperated.] What is a trial by drift?

Hallie

That’s where he loses it. What is that?

Kyle

And Jimmy just is like,

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Well… [Huffs.]

[Sounds of crowd chattering begin.]

Kyle

The crowd starts murmuring again, and Jimmy can feel the tides of the crowd turn against him, as any good wrestler knows… you play to the crowd.

[Sounds of crowd chattering end.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

[Huffs.] Well, you may be right, but I have the right to reserve the race track, and I say that we have that race on Fallen Ruins Road!

[Slightly eerie dramatic music begins.]

Kyle

As he says that the crowd just has giant gasps, they’re just like

[Dramatic gasps, acting astonished.] No one’s done Fallen Ruins Road! It’s too dangerous!

Even the Speedy Speed Boys who are all about yeah, danger, are just like this is too much, Jimmy. Jimmy, what if you get hurt? In fact, the Kool-Aid Man you can see is even like 

Kyle (as the Kool-Aid Man)

OH NO.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Are Viv and Baby Jason also concerned? Because they were just repeatedly riding the world’s deadliest rollercoaster, and I feel like that’s a great gauge of how concerned we should be.

Kyle

Oh, they… and in fact, they, remembering the world’s deadliest rollercoaster, just turn over to Misha and give them a big thumbs up.

Emily

[Nervous noises.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] Like this is great, this is gonna be great for you, this is a great position to be in. This is the best case scenario. You’re welcome.

Ari (as Misha)

I would like to first of all apologize for whatever it is I did before. I did not intend to do that. It's really complicated about my situation, but why now, why do I have to participate in this challenge? Is there any other way that I can show that I am sorry for whatever it is I did before? I do not wish to participate in this if it’s as dangerous if you say it is. I do not want anybody hurt by it, including you.

Kyle

Oh, Jimmy’s mad at that last one.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

You’re gonna say this to Jimmy? You’re gonna tell Jimmy that you’re sorry and you don’t wanna see Jimmy hurt?! Well,

Kyle

And a tear rolls down his cheek.

Emily

Aww!

Kyle (as Jimmy)

There are more kinds of pain than physical pain. Jimmy’s been hurting for a long time!

Hallie

[Compassionately.] Oh no.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

And he’s ready to take more to prove that you, Misha Jarvis, are guilty! So when nature’s spotlight—

Kyle

He points up to a clearing, a small clearing in the trees at the very top where there’s a little bit of sun that could come in.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

When nature’s spotlight illuminates the stage you and I are gonna have a race. If you win then you get innocent, but when I win the world will KNOW that the Speedy Speed Boys are greater than the heel, Misha Jarvis.

[00:30:00]

Ari (as Misha)

But, do I have any say in this? I have already claimed that I do believe I am guilty of whatever you say. I do not wish to win to be innocent of anything.

[Eerie dramatic music ends.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Um…

Emily

I feel like Hopper would have feelings about this justice system. [Laughs.]

Hallie

Well Hopper’s like, Hopper can’t… He’s trying to formulate words in the background, but he’s just like [Struggling noises.]

Kyle

At that point, Elee, you’ve been keeping eyes on your captors for lack of a better word, and

also Viv and Baby Jason, because they are also captors but it’s hard to count them.

Emily

They are pretty chill. They… yeah.

Kyle

Yeah. I mean, they are captors. They’re just chill captors, but also so is Fungi, so honestly

you’re only paying attention to the only one who hasn’t been chill who feels like, to you, the

real ringleader, who isn’t Jimmy at least. You’ve been paying attention to Ein.

Emily

Yeah I have.

[Sweet piano music, Ein’s theme, begins.]

Kyle

She’s been nervous this whole time. She’s been kind of tapping her fingers nervously, tapping

her legs. She’s pretty motionless otherwise. She’s both still, paying as much attention as she

can, but also just little, tiny movements, so she’s both very still and also moving all the time.

But she doesn’t seem to want to speak up. But then, as Misha says no, I’ve already proven

I’m guilty, just like give me the punishment or whatever, she suddenly pipes up and

pronounces to Jimmy,

Kyle (as Ein)

We will gladly accept the trial by drift.

[Piano music ends.]

Kyle

And the crowd fucking erupts.

[Crowd cheering plays and ends in a whooshing sound signifying a scene change.]

Kyle (as Fungi)

Oh boy, a trial by drift. I haven’t seen one of those in a long time. I’m awfully excited. Aren’t all

of you?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Um…

[All the player characters say “no” simultaneously.]

Hallie

At the same time they’re all saying no, Ness goes,

Hallie (as Ness)

Yes!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

[Hushed, reprimanding.] Ness!

Hallie

His eyes are saucers that whole exchange. He was like so pumped up.

Tom

Ness has found his people.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] Yes, he really has!

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah, it sucks they’re accusing Misha of murder, but like… trade-offs.

[Laughter.]

[Chill, cheerful song, reminiscent of elevator music, begins.]

Kyle

You are all walking through one of the mesh tunnels of the Speedy Speed Boy hideout. What the fuck did I call it?

Hallie

Coachman’s—

Kyle

Coachman’s Tree.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

You’re going through the mesh tunnels. They’re equivalent to hallways. You are being escorted by, you know, high guards, and by that I mean none of you are handcuffed and you’re just walking with Fungi who is honestly walking alongside you, like you could bolt or beat him up or just walk away and he doesn’t look like he would stop you, but he seems to be taking you someplace so you might as well figure out where. [Laughs.]

Hallie

We may as well just be polite captives.

Ari

As we walk Misha will try, but I know they can’t because I know Xoc has been cut of that, but they will try to communicate with Xoc and ask him why don’t we just leave.

Ari (as Misha)

Why don’t we just leave? What’s keeping us from doing it?

[Chill music ends.]

Ari

But they won’t be able to do it and they will just look really frustrated at that because they can’t say things out loud with Fungi there.

Kyle

I’d like to say that you’re normally making the eye contact you do, or like you’re missing eye contact, like Misha will look and normally you would look and say something and you would both look at each other, but you look and then you look away and then Xoc looks at you because he saw your eyes, and he looks at you, and then he looks away, and you’re just not in sync right now.

Tom

No~

Emily

Elee is now once again spiraling, because now she is concerned that, okay, first they’re together, now they’re having relationship troubles.

Ari

[Laughs.] Oh no!

Tom

I just want to put Elee Badge on the phone with the Nano Spirits.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Just conference call my mom in.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

While that is happening, Hop, now that he’s not on a stage with a million people around and lights on him, is like,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay, so legally how does this go?

Hallie

He’s trying to get info from Fungi.

Kyle (as Fungi)

[With an exhale.] Well…

Kyle

Fungi gets real deep in thought.

Kyle (as Fungi)

Well, legally… What does that word mean? I’m not familiar with it.

[Suppressed laughter.]

Tom

[Quietly.] Jesus Christ.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, um, the law is something that is in place to keep, um…

Tom

[Coughs laughing.]

Hallie

Hopper takes a second to think how to explain “the law,” and like, legal moral implications. [Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

Hopper, none of this is legal.

Hallie

The law—No! No! That’s… He doesn’t.

[Laughing.] The reason he stopped is because he doesn’t really know.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, a law just makes sure that things happen a certain way, you know, so that everything happens fairly and so that justice is eventually served. So, I guess trial by drifting is like your community’s way of enforcing justice.

Kyle (as Fungi)

Oh, that’s right, I understand now. Well, whenever the Speedy Speed Boys have some kind of disagreement, which you would be surprised at how little that happens, we do a trial by drift. Whoever goes faster has gotta be right.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Okay, and this incident happened 45 years ago, and there’s no like statute of limitations on things?

Kyle (as Fungi)

Um… well,

Kyle

He starts scratching his head.

[00:35:00]

Kyle (as Fungi)

Well honestly I don't remember any statue except for that weird top hat one that Viv and Baby Jason brought in a few weeks ago.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sorry. Do crimes, like, expire? Can you not challenge someone to a race for something after a certain amount of time?

Kyle (as Fungi)

[Extended way too long.] Ohhhhh…

Tom

How long can Fungi hold a single note?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Fungi)

This reminds me of when I was just a little toadstool sitting in—Oh wait, that’s the wrong batch of memories. I’m sorry. I just tend to be forgetful sometimes. What was your question again?

Tom (as Xoc)

What are they going to do to Misha Jarvis if Jimmy Win says they’re guilty?

Kyle

He makes a grimace.

Kyle (as Fungi)

Uh, you know, honestly, I’m not so sure. Jimmy is awful mad. He might go even so far as to make them write a formal apology.

Ari (as Misha)

Well, if that is the case I can write it. Is there no precedent for anybody refusing to fight in this race? I do not wish to do this. I can write an apology. I can do whatever the guilty consequences are.

Tom (as Xoc)

He didn’t really sound like he wanted an apology.

Tom

Xoc will mutter.

Ari (as Misha)

I suppose I could just sit and not drive the car.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

[Laughs loudly.] I’m sorry. That’s just such a power move. Just sit there and not move.

Ari

Just put it in reverse and go the opposite direction.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Fungi)

Well, I suppose that’s possible, but Ein already accepted the race on your behalf.

Ari (as Misha)

Why?

Tom (as Xoc)

That is a good question. What is her stake in all of this?

Kyle (as Fungi)

Oh!

Kyle

He gets real excited, because now he’s got a topic he can talk about, at least to the best of his ability. He is still pretty forgetful. He’s got memories of himself and probably a dozen mushrooms, and they’re all kind of merged into one consciousness.

Tom

[Breathy laugh.]

Hallie

Just all these Toads screaming. [A rattled Toad shout.]

[Laughter.]

Tom

[Similarly rattled, in a Toad voice.] Hallo!

Hallie

The Toad GIF.

Kyle

Yeah, they all sound like Toad from Mario. That’s right. Just occasionally

[Raspy and rattled Toad imitation.] HALLO!

Ari

Oh god. Please.

Kyle (as Fungi)

Oh, well Ein has been with the Speedy Speed Boys from before even I joined the Speedy Speed Boys. She looks out for all of us here at the Speedy Speed Boys. Even those who don’t know her that well have at least gotten something from Ein. I would guess she was just, you know, looking out for the kiddos like she always does.

Ari (as Misha)

Is there some sort of lifelong commitment to being a Speedy Speed Boy? As I understand I was one before, but I do not feel like part of that now. So, if I am not one, does that exclude me from this and from her deciding on my behalf?

[Dial-up internet sound plays.]

Kyle

He looks, and you just, like, the Windows [Simulates the dial-up sound vocally.]

You see that going through his head as the idea of you being a Speedy Speed Boy, but not being a Speedy Speed Boy, but Ein called you a Speedy Speed Boy and so did Jimmy, and like… it’s just too much for him to follow.

Emily

Oh! Aww!

Ari

I imagine some Toads get it, other Toads don’t get it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

They’re just having an internal argument with each other.

Kyle

[Laughing.] Just inside your head you hear [Another Toad character scream.]

As two armies of Toads charge at each other.

Emily

He has literally one on each shoulder.

Tom

Just screaming

[Toad voice.] HALLO

Into each ear.

Kyle

Listen. Fungi is just… He’s just a friendly old man who likes to drift, okay? You’re asking entirely too much of him.

[Mischievous accordion music, Ness’ theme, begins.]

Hallie (as Ness)

How does one become a Speedy Speed Boy?

Kyle (as Fungi)

Oh? Become a Speedy Speed Boy? Do you want to be a Speedy Speed Boy?

Hallie (as Ness)

So much.

Kyle (as Fungi)

Well then, you’re a Speedy Speed Boy.

Hallie (as Ness)

I’m a Speedy Speed Boy! Yeah! Xoc, I’m a Speedy Speed Boy! Elee, I’m a Speedy Speed Boy! Misha, I’m a Speedy Speed Boy! Hopper, I’m a Speedy Speed Boy! Eee!

Hallie

And he’s gonna run off into the distance.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

He’s not so far ahead of them, but he is like,

Hallie (as Ness)

Whee~!

Hallie

He’s going fast.

Tom

Xoc, despite himself, is gonna smile a little bit at that. He can’t help it.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] And then you hear a [Beep-boop.] as Q-BO, who’s been just rolling alongside you this whole time finally decides to pipe up.

Hallie (as Ness)

Q-BO, I’m a Speedy Speed Boy!

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Logging that information in my database.

[Typewriter completion sound.]

Ness: Speedy Speed Boy, is now logged in my database.

[Error sound.] But Misha Jarvis, from my understanding, the Speedy Speed Boys do not have evidence that you have committed this crime. Do you have evidence that you have not stated that you have committed it?

Ari (as Misha)

I will admit I do not. I guess all I have as evidence is just the feeling that I did it.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] Hmm…

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t think that’s strong enough evidence to get a guilty verdict.

Tom (as Xoc)

We can find the truth. I just… We can try to run away from these people, but I don’t think you should just surrender to them. we don’t know enough about their intentions yet.

Ari (as Misha)

I suppose that is true. I think it is too easy that it appears that we are free to go whenever.

[00:40:00]

We can try, but I am afraid that if we all do that then you all might also get into the problems that only I have. So, if what they want is to have me then they can have me.

Tom (as Xoc)

No. We’ve all been to this before. We’re not leaving any of us behind.

[A piano version of “Seasons of Love” plays, one of Xoc and Misha’s love themes.]

Every one of us has had something dangerous in our past come back to us. No, I’m not going to abandon you, Misha Jarvis. We’ll all be here.

Emily (as Elee)

We’re in this together, Misha.

Hallie

Hopper nods.

Ari

At that, Misha will hug Xoc really tightly.

Emily

[Laughing.] Elee feels very relieved for their relationship.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Also, it should go without saying, but Xoc is also hugging of course.

Emily

Aw.

Ari (as Misha)

I’m just very scared about all of this, Xoc. I’m sorry.

Tom (as Xoc)

I understand. I’m scared too, but we will figure out how to get out of this.

Ari (as Misha)

Yes. Thank you, to all of you.

Ari

And they will look at Elee and Hopper, and maybe Ness.

Tom

Ness, who’s just like in the background still shouting.

[“Seasons of Love” ends.]

Hallie (as Ness)

I’m a Speedy Speed Boy!

Kyle

[Laughs.] As you get out of the hug, you can see that Fungi’s actually motioning to a room that seems to be your cell of sorts. As you all make your way inside,

[A soft, slow version of Elee and Karl’s song plays briefly.]

Ness, who’s just running back flapping his arms as he comes up to everyone, he notices something. He notices Misha’s scarf pick up and kind of turn around like a dog trying to sniff something out.

Hallie

I assume Ness has seen the scarf.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Ness will just look in the direction the scarf is sniffing.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] You don’t see something, because it’s looking all around.

Hallie

Oh.

Kyle

Actually, no, you get dizzy, because it looks like it’s sniffing something out and you’re just like there, there, there, there, and you end up just turning around too many times.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

And you’ve already been overhyped, so you’re just very dizzy now.

Hallie

Ohh. [Laughs.]

Ness considers, for the briefest of seconds, he’s like oh I’m gonna find out what that’s about, and he starts to walk away and does an about-face and comes back because he remembers the last time he did that.

Emily

Aww, no.

Tom

Ohh…

Ari

Aww, no…

Kyle

You go into your room, which is just…

[Lively synth music with a heavy beat plays.]

I mean, it’s pretty trashy. There’s wood and it’s like haphazardly hammered with nails into the wire meshing. Instead of wallpaper there’s paint that is just tech paint that when you paint it makes a wallpaper-like design. But on the inside it just looks like a room for kids. You can see that there are many beds which are inside of tiny little plastic racecars.

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

So each of you gets your own different racecar kind of bed.

Emily

[Smiling.] I had a car bed when I was little.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Aw, that’s so cute.

Emily

It was like a VW bug kinda little car bed.

Tom and Hallie

Aww.

Kyle

Yeah. So you can all choose your own car bed, but I’d like to believe that the one Xoc is in is one where it’s like the motorcycle and the little cubby on the side.

Emily

Aww!

Kyle

So Xoc’s bed is the one that’s the motorcycle and then Ness gets the little cubby.

Hallie

He gets the little side car! Yeah!

Emily

That’s so cute~

Tom

Yes please.

Kyle

And Fungi just says,

Kyle (as Fungi)

Well, make sure to all get a good night’s sleep. You can find your pajamers in the front hood, and get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll see you when the natural sunlight hits that stage tomorrow morning.

[Lively synth music fades and ends.]

Hallie

Did they take all our stuff?

Kyle

No, you have all your stuff, they just also have pajamas for you.

Hallie

But, we have…

Tom

[Softly.] Do we have pajamas…?

Kyle

Listen. You’re not wearing pajamas now, so they thought it would be nice to offer you some pajamas.

Hallie

Okay! [Laughs.]

Tom

It’s one of those houses where they have like guest pajamas set out for you.

Kyle

Yeah. It’s like leaving out guest pajamas. In fact, there’s a mint on every pillow as well.

Hallie

Ha!

Ari

Aw, that’s cute.

Kyle

Except there aren’t mints, it’s like if a kid gave you mints, so they’re like Gushers.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] So they’re Gushers. Gross.

Kyle

So yeah, you’re in there, there’s a bunch of beds, one for each of you, and then there’s a triple-decker bus in the other corner.

Ari

So, even though Misha doesn’t sleep they will lay next to Xoc.

Hallie

Aw.

Tom

Aw.

Emily (as Elee)

So what now?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, can we leave and walk around? They didn’t say that we couldn’t.

Kyle

You can see on the foot of one of your beds there’s a helpful little map of Coachman’s Tree which seems to be hand-drawn. Each one is a bit different, so you can tell each one was drawn separately by hand.

Hallie

Aww.

Emily

They’re so cute.

Hallie

Hopper will start studying the little hand-drawn map.

Kyle

It’s absolutely unintelligible.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie

God damn it. [Laughs.]

Ari (as Misha)

It is very confusing, because it appears on the one hand that we are free to move around and do things, but I am afraid that it might have consequences that we don’t know about.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, it’s probably safest I guess to stay in here, but I mean, Misha, are you—Presumably you have to race tomorrow.

Ari (as Misha)

Yeah. I still do not know if I will do it. I mean, I suppose I will go and sit there, 

[Sweet, simple vibraphone music, Misha’s emotional theme, plays.]

But I still do not want to do it. You mentioned not having evidence and that a feeling is not solid enough evidence, and I suppose I agree, but I also feel like it will be the easiest way out. I don’t want to risk anybody getting hurt, including Jimmy, as much as I do not like him.

[00:45:00]

[Vibraphone music ends.]

Emily (as Elee)

I wouldn’t mind if he got a little bit injured.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Ness)

[Chuckles.] You could take him, Misha.

Emily (as Elee)

I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t take him, Misha.

Ari (as Misha)

I do not want to take him with us. Why would I do that?

[Laughter.]

[Lively electronic music, Q-BO’s theme, plays.]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] Excuse me. I have found multiple definitions of the phrase “take him” in my database.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh. Please define.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] Well, “take him” can be interpreted one of three ways.

[Beep-boop.] There is the violent way of fighting.

[Beep-boop.] There is the friendly way, or I guess sometimes not friendly way, of bringing someone along with you.

[Beep-boop.] And then there is the romantic way of—

Emily (as Elee)

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh! Shh! Nope!

Ari (as Misha)

Oh. Well, I suppose Ness meant the first one, because—

Emily (as Elee)

[Nervously and abruptly.] Ness meant the first one!

Ari (as Misha)

I have already taken Xoc.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

NOPE!

[Electronic music ends.]

Hallie

Hopper just studies the map a little bit harder.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Ness, meanwhile, has taken some of the pajamas from the little hoods. He’s tied at least three in three different capes around his little robot body.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah, yeah, I meant the first one. Like, just hit him really hard, you know. I bet you could do it.

Ari (as Misha)

I suppose I could, but I do not want to be even more guilty in their eyes.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha makes a good point.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

I think we need to get Ein here.

Hallie (as Hopper)

That’s a good idea. Could we- Is there like a call button in here?

Emily

There’s a hallway, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Emily

I’m just gonna start yelling down the hallway.

Emily (as Elee)

Oi! Hey!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Oi!”

Emily (as Elee)

Anybody! Hey!

Kyle

The Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall.

Kyle (as the Kool-Aid Man)

OH YEAH!

[Laughter.]

Ari

Has he been in the room the whole time?!

Emily

Elee jumps and flails.

Hallie

[Laughing into her hands.] No!

Kyle

No, he’s in the hallway. Yeah, he’s your next-door neighbor.

Ari

Oh. I thought he was like in our room the whole time.

Tom

He bursts out of a wardrobe or something. “Oh yeah!”

Hallie

He was inside one of the tiny little car beds!

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yeah, fuck it. The Kool-Aid Man’s there. He goes,

Kyle (as the Kool-Aid man)

Oh yeah!

Hallie (as Ness)

Oh yeah!

Hallie

[Coughing and laughing.] Ness yells it right back.

Kyle (as the Kool-Aid Man)

OH YEAH!

Kyle

And he gives you finger guns, Ness, as he just goes back through the wall.

Hallie

[Laughs, composing herself.] Ness returns that.

Emily (as Elee)

Wait. No, no… no. Can you come—Actually, no, I was calling for someone…

Emily

Does he come back or has he left?

Kyle

[Laughs.] he leaves, and you just see two people in coveralls just sigh and walk in and they just start covering up the wall with more stuff, just filling it in.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Fixing it.

Kyle

But, you do hear a voice come from the triple-decker bus.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Ah yes, now that sounds like the customers we’re used to.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Tom

Whomst?

Emily (as Elee)

[In disbelief.] Tattertop?!

[Quirky, quick, dissonant music, the theme for Penny in Pocket, plays.]

Kyle

And suddenly the side of the car flies open and you just see stumble out of it the Penny Brothers.

Tom

[Pleased.] Oh, it was Tattertop.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Of course it is I, Tattertop Penny.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

And it is I, Ignatius Penny. And…?

[Video game beeping noises as the music ends abruptly.]

Kyle

And you just hear some bleep-bloops from the top bunk as you just see slump down, staring at this WingPal…

Tom

[Chuckling.] No.

Kyle

…Haymish Penny, who doesn’t even look at you and just goes,

Kyle (as Haymish)

Eh.

Kyle

Like, real depressed.

Tom

[Softly.] No…

Emily

Aww!

Hallie

No…

Ari

[As a groan.] Aw…

Emily (as Elee)

Well, I was gonna...ask if you were...feeling happier here, why-ever you’re here… Um. Are you also prisoners?

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Prisoners of the Speedy Speed Boys? No, not at all. Prisoners of the winds of chance? Well…

Kyle

He looks to Haymish and just kinda shrugs.

Emily

[As a sob.] Aw.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Well after all, after what happened on the—

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Tattertop! No! We do not talk about the P-R-O-D-I-G-I-O-U-S incident.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Ugh… not that it matters.

[WingPal beeps.]

[Suddenly more chipper.] Oh, Jerald leveled up. Fun.

Emily

[Wheezes.]

Emily (as Elee)

[Hesitantly.] Is Jerald back?

Kyle (as Tattertop)

No, that is just what our brother calls his Tomagotchi.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Yes, Haymish was very excited. He had modified some WingPals to have these animal companions on them such as aneens or quatz.

Kyle

Which quatz are duck-cats for reference.

[Giggling.]

Ari

Oh, gross.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

And he was very excited to sell them on the Prodigious when folks came back from break, but uh…

Ari

Ooh…

Kyle (as Tattertop)

So we tried to make some sales in The Beyond. It was my mistake. I forgot that our brother was looking for actual money and not just useless garbage people pick up from the ground.

Kyle

As Xoc had learned from Loell a long time ago, they don’t have currency out in The Beyond, so the short version is they couldn’t sell to kids on the Prodigious and they went bankrupt.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

And Haymish is not taking it well. You can actually see in the corner there is just a deflated version of the tent. It’s just kind of not set up properly.

[00:50:00]

It’s hanging in a little bit. It’s just not great.

Tom (as Xoc)

Economic insecurity is bad, but at least Haymish didn’t get dumped again.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Oh no, that happened too.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Emily

Elee, who had been making slashing, stop talking gestures just lets her hands fall.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Ignatius)

So, why are our favorite and only non–P-R-O-D-I-G-I-O-U-S customers here today? Have you also met with financial woes?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Not particularly.

Tom (as Xoc)

No, we’re just out here trying to stop a cataclysm, that sort of thing.

Kyle

Haymish’s eyes spark as he hears “stop a cataclysm,” but then you hear a little (sad droop) sound as his quatz named Jerald, as his Tomagotchi gets hungry, and he just slumps further and keeps playing.

Emily (as Elee)

[Uncomfortably.] So…

Tom (as Xoc)

[Awkwardly.] So…

Emily (as Elee)

So…

Kyle (as Tattertop)

A race, I hear? Oh, that’s very exciting.

Tom (as Xoc)

The details are yet to be determined.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Well, I have complete faith in all of you. The standard race track is very rudimentary, honestly.

Hallie (as Hopper)

What do you know about the Fallen Ruins race track?

[Slightly eerie dramatic music begins.]

Kyle

You hear like a [Large gasp.]

You don’t think that two people could do a crowd of gasps, but you would be surprised.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Even Tattertop’s like,

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Ooh… Fallen Ruins Road you say? Have you by chance a yearning for death?

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Chuckles, then speaks flatly.] No.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Holy shit.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Misha’s been challenged to a race on that track.

Ari (as Misha)

One I do not wish to participate in. I would like to clarify this.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh, I understand that.

[Eerie music ends.]

Kyle

And Haymish is just, he doesn’t even look, but he’s like,

[Depressing horn music begins.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

You know, you think you know what you want, you want to open a small business and then you take out a lot of money for it and you get real excited, buy a lot of merchandise…

Ari

Aw.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

…but then you find out you can’t actually sell to anyone except for four people.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

And then you expand your market, and your business is doing great, but you feel like you just gave up a part of yourself… and then that business fails, and then you get dumped again.

Ari

Aw.

[Depressing music ends.]

Kyle

At this point he’s just slumped over the edge of the bed. [Laughs.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

Anyways. Fallen Ruins Road? Oh, it’s haunted.

Hallie (as Hopper)

By what?

[Low but energetic menacing music begins.]

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Well, what couldn’t it be haunted by?

Tom (as Xoc)

Memories of past regrets?

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Oh yes!

Kyle

You can see his eyes get a little too big with excitement.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Fallen Ruins Road is named that because it fell on this land 40 years ago. It carries both the regrets of those who fell in it and the regrets of the Speedy Speed Boys it fell on.

Tom (as Xoc)

Wait a minute… 40 years ago?

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Tom

Xoc is having an Ace Attorney moment.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

The math meme.

Tom (as Xoc)

What if…

Hallie (as Hopper)

But that was 45 years ago.

Kyle

One incident was 45 years ago.

Tom (as Xoc)

Could these ruins be the location we’re hunting for?

Emily (as Elee)

It seems plausible given the timing and the fact that it’s something that fell from the sky.

Tom (as Xoc)

And what if Jimmy Win didn’t just choose this at random, because it’s connected to whatever incident dishonored his grandpa all those years ago. What if there’s evidence there, in the ruins, along with, you know, Redd’s Blessing. We could find everything there maybe.

[Menacing music ends.]

Ari (as Misha)

That sounds very convenient for us.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Look at Misha over here in the corner with all of their lampshades.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Tom

Disrespect.

Ari

[Giggling.] The thing is they didn’t mean it to be a lampshade. I mean, I did, but they didn’t mean it like that.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee)

Hey Ignatius.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Yes?

Emily (as Elee)

You know how you made me my claws?

Kyle (as Ignatius)

[Hesitantly.] Y-y-y-yes?

Emily (as Elee)

Are you still making anything? I don't know that I have a lot of money, but you seem like you really need to have something to do, don’t you?

Kyle

He’s already got a notepad out, and specs, and he looks up.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

[As if coming to attention from being distracted.] What?

Emily

I wanna actually pull him over to the side a little bit, out of earshot.

Kyle

Mm-hmm.

Emily (as Elee)

[Quietly.] I need you to make me a chair.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

[Not quietly.] Okay.

Emily (as Elee)

[Quietly.] I need you not to show anyone until it’s done.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Okay.

Emily (as Elee)

And I need it to be little.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

O…kay. Okay! I got all that noted down.

Kyle

He rushes back and opens up the tent, and he pats Haymish’s leg.

Kyle (as Ignatius)

Haymish, We’ve got business again!

Kyle (as Haymish)

Yeah, yeah…

Kyle

And Tattertop, showing respect for his brother for the first time in his goddamn life, is like,

[Quirky, quick, dissonant music, the theme for Penny in Pocket, plays.]

Kyle (as Tattertop)

You know, these ruins are very haunted. The remainders of you would not want some fantastical artifacts or Numenera for the greatest of adventures, would you?

[00:55:00]

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, I wouldn’t say no. I don’t have a lot of money I could give you for it, though.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Oh, well…

Kyle

He looks up to Haymish.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

It will be enough. Haymish!

Kyle

And he just rips the Tomagotchi out of his hand.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Please take the customers’ orders.

Kyle

Alright. Each of you gets an item. Elee’s getting a chair. Xoc, what do you want?

Tom

Xoc finds an item called a Filtration Straw. Water that passes through this tube is purified. Most liquids other than water drawn through the tube come out as water, or mostly water. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.

Kyle

Hallie, what do you want?

Hallie

I said something different earlier. I’m actually gonna take the Whisperlock. This is similar to a padlock made of powerful synthsteel or stronglass except that it has no keyhole. It opens with a secret word selected when it is initially locked. The word must be spoken into the lock itself. Comes with a shoebox sized container.

Kyle

And Ari, what do you want?

Ari

I was thinking of the Nakamura. A pair of silver nunchucks, one of which shoots a thin red beam like a laser pointer that extends 100 feet approximately. The user then moves the other nunchuck to imitate how they would like the object touched by the laser to act.

Tom

Ooh.

Kyle

It’s basically Wiimote and nunchuck.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Where you point at one thing with the Wiimote and you move it with the nunchuck.

Tom

God!

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright, perfect. You each get all of those. After he takes your orders Haymish tries to offer it to Tattertop and Tattertop refuses, and is like no-no, you get it, so Haymish goes in and he grabs some items. Eventually Haymish comes out with the three items and all of those, and he actually has a notepad and he’s a little more excited.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Oh! I actually found a whole lot of stuff back there. You know, I found some generic supplies, I found—

Kyle

What the fuck do they have in their inventory?

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Haymish)

I found a lot of Shaper Keys. I found some Recorder Gum. I found a whole lot of mess. It’s gonna take a long time to relook at all of that. Oh, and I actually have—

Kyle

He goes to you, Ness.

Kyle (as Haymish)

I actually have this thing called a Tomagotchi. It’s like a small little animal you take care of.

Hallie (as Ness)

That’s it?

Kyle (as Haymish)

Yeah. No, it’s great.

[Quirky dissonant music fades.]

Hallie (as Ness)

I want it.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

You just swipe it out of his hand?

Hallie

Yeah, he just takes it.

Kyle

Okay. What animal is your Tomagotchi and what is its name?

Hallie

Oh my GOD. Um… Oh no.

Ari

[Chuckles.] Putting you on the spot.

Hallie

Um… Ness wants a raccoon, a horrible Ninth World raccoon.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

He’s gonna name it, um… He names it Nesspari.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Ness)

This is Nesspari, my raccoon! He’s terrible.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

Perfect. Alright, so you’ve got all these items, and Haymish who has perked up a little bit actually gets another emotion that isn’t just depression. He expresses a little bit of concern.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Uh, do be careful, please.

[Outro song begins, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound.]

They weren’t joking that, uh, well, Fallen Ruin Road is haunted. I would—I just wanna make sure that, um… I just would like to make sure that you are all, uh, cautious.

Tom (as Xoc)

Thank you.

Ari (as Misha)

We appreciate the advice.

Kyle (as Haymish)

Of course. Come back—

Kyle

He can’t help himself, and he accidently slips up.

Kyle (as Haymish)

[With a smile.] Come back anytime.

[Outro song carries out to the bloopers.]

Tom

Is it bad that when Misha started “here’s a random fact for you,” I thought it was going to be something like “go fuck yourself,” even though that’s not a Misha line?

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I was waiting for it!

Tom

Just waiting for the intense shade.

Hallie

I mean, the tone for me was go fuck yourself anyway.

Ari

That’s what I tried to go. I tried to be sass, but Misha…

Tom

Sometimes Ari is willing but the character just isn’t.

Kyle

Also, I believe, I’m gonna say they took the cuffs off of everyone but forgot about Hopper, because I find that very funny.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Wow. Hopper wouldn’t have said anything. He would have just let it happen.

[Laughter.]

Like, as far as he knows the path of least resistance is the best one for now, unlike everybody else who’s just yelling right back at Jimmy Win. He’s trying to get a beat on his surroundings.

Kyle

God, doing Jimmy’s voice has wrecked me already.

Ari

You make these choices. You got rid of VIRGULE and the—

Kyle

[Laughing.] Oh, and then I throw in Jimmy!

Emily

Immediately brought in Jimmy!

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

It’s fine… Is anyone else piping in?

Hallie

I…

Tom

I… uh.

Hallie

Um.

Tom

Uh.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Can I? Can I say? Hopper’s confused, and he’s—

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Because Misha seems so willing to accept a “guilty verdict.” I did very dramatic air quotes at guilty verdict. He’s gonna step forward and say,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Sorry. Hi. If we proved that Misha Jarvis didn’t commit the murder through some other means, would that be acceptable?

Ari

[Giggling.] This is just turning into an Ace Attorney arc.

Hallie

Yeah. [Laughs.]

[01:00:00]

Tom

Look, there’s a reason I called it an Ace Attorney moment, because has there been a single Ace Attorney game where it’s like no, your two backstories are actually the same backstory?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

We just need to edit in some DL6 music, obviously.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

Can we make like a Quest Friends hack of DL6? What if we played DL6 on kazoo?

Hallie

[Yelps laughing.]

Ari

Oh my god.

[Several people play the Ace Attorney DL6 case theme on kazoo.]

Kyle

Alternatively…

[Starts playing the Ace Attorney sad Steel Samurai theme on kazoo.]

Tom

[Breathy laugh.]

Ari

Oh, that’s…

Hallie

That was gonna be my next suggestion.

Tom

God.

Ari

[Smiling.] sad Steel Samurai. Sad steel samurai.

Hallie

It’s the best. It’s the best version.

Ari

It’s Debeste.

Hallie

[Fighting laughter.] Debeste!

Ari

This game has ruined us, truly.

[Others join Kyle in playing the Ace Attorney sad Steel Samurai theme on kazoo.]

Hallie

It’s…

Ari

Fully ruined it.

Emily

Kyle, when you complain about how long recordings take… [giggles.]

[Kazoo playing ends.]

Emily (as Elee)

Hey Ignatius.

Kyle (as Tattertop)

Yes?

Kyle

No. Wrong person.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

You’re not Ignatius.

Hallie

[Cackles.]