Ep. 68: One Neon Night, Part 10

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends…

[Intro song begins, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound.]

Kyle (as Ein)

I am Ein. I am a simile. Fun fact about the simile: they were meant to be an invading force to conquer the planet, and then we kind of got forgotten about.

You might know me more as a research partner to a, uh… man.

Ari (as Misha)

A man? What do you mean by that?

Kyle (as Ein)

Your, um… creator.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, or the JARVIS line, created by Dr. Signus Collodi, started year Y74, discontinued year Y45 after a string of self-reported moral and technical failures.

Kyle

Suddenly Misha, you hear a loud insect-like fluttering, and before you can respond this creature flies out towards you.

Tom (as Xoc)

Put Misha Jarvis down now.

Kyle (as CK)

Cowards Koach Just A Rather Very Intelligent System at your service, although you may call me CK Jarvis.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Long exasperated groan.]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Ari

Misha will look really upset at that.

Emily

[Delighted.] Another sibling!

Ari

Misha will say,

Ari (as Misha)

And by the way, why are you only apologizing for him? Are you apologizing for yourself as well for what you did earlier today?

Kyle (as Ein)

[Staggered and uneasy.] I also know a lot of quotes.

[Others chuckle and snicker.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“When a friend tries to do themselves harm you cannot help, but do whatever you can.” That one came about 45 years ago from a Misha Jarvis.

[Intro music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle (as Ein)

Many, many, many years ago…

[Ambient sci-fi desert music begins.]

I think it was still The Ninth World at that time, but I honestly don’t remember. Eggs fell from the sky, at least I like to think of them as eggs. They’re not the organic kind that you normally see, but they still brought life, each falling on a different part of the planet and each carrying something new. The one I want to talk about fell somewhere outside of the Ba-Adenu Forest, or what it would have been called at the time, right in that desert of the Iron Wind.

I had a lot of lessons inside of that pod. I learned pretty much everything I knew there. There were some videos, some prerecorded messages about our great mission, how the simile were meant to learn, assimilate, and persevere. The voice reminded as such every morning. I don't know if it was morning in the real time or a fake morning, but it would say things like,

Kyle (as the voice in the pod)

“It’s time to get up, Ein. Time to learn your next lesson. Today we’re going to learn about the evolution of the species called “dog.”

Kyle (as Ein)

It was a small space. I wasn’t meant to be in there for long, but long can be a relative term, because after days, weeks, months, years, decades… the videos stopped. Either I went into some sort of hibernation or the pod put me in one.

[Music fades.]

By the time I had woken up the voice wasn’t there anymore. It was, but it was disjointed, bits of words and phrases, syllables.

[Unintelligible words through static.]

Until eventually all those words devolved into what I at the time thought of as rubbish.

[More unintelligible words beneath static that all transitions into Stein.]

Kyle (as Stein)

[Robotic quacking, one long note followed by a few sullen blips, the sounds of an otamatone.]

Kyle (as Ein)

It was then that the pod opened up, and that was how Stein and I came tumbling out into the world, although he at the time wasn’t quite functioning, so it was difficult. The Iron Wind surely would have gotten me were it not for a helpful pickup from the Speedy Speed Boys Iron Wind Patrol. There’s not much to say about the Speedy Speed Boys, honestly. They were the same as they were now, excitable, energetic, gullible, but there was something a bit different about Mr. Win, Jimmy’s grandpa.

[Quirky music begins.]

You see, I had learned all about formality. When you meet someone you call them Mr., Ms., Mx., some sort of honorary and then their name. It was the polite thing to do, it was part of the structure, and the structure is what I knew.

[00:05:00]

Well, Mr. Win was not eager to let me continue that structure, because when I walked up to him and I introduced myself and said “it is a pleasure to meet you. Thank you very much for your assistance, Mr. Win,” he just laughed and said,

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

[Hardy chuckle.] “My name is Pete.”

Kyle (as Ein)

And then he left. That was it. That was all he thought I needed to know.

[Music ends.]

I disagreed, of course. I had been pursuing knowing for so long, but they seemed like the best option at the moment, so I spent some time with them. We had formed a bit of an unofficial agreement, or at least that was the way I thought about it. They probably thought “we’re taking in this nice young lady,” but I couldn’t get that idea, so to me it was a deal. I would use my knowledge of both technology and the world at large to enhance their racecars, make them better than they were before, and they in turn would provide their knowledge to help me fix that AI in my suit.

[Chuckles.] It wasn’t a two-way relationship, but I liked it there… I guess.

[Ein’s theme begins.]

I know that all of this is brief and probably in your minds unnecessary, but I needed to make it clear what life for me was like before the Jarvises appeared. It was simple. It was straightforward. I was following a system of my own design, even if they were ignoring it, and I kept to myself, and by keeping to myself there was no one to tell me how lonely that was… until one day. I had gone to work on a vehicle like I always did, to investigate what I could and provide some new ideas, but I heard the most horrifying sound I have ever heard in all of my many years.

[Music changes to electronic game show music.]

Kyle (as CK)

“Why hello there to you two! How’s my new audience doing today?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“AGH! Hel- Hel-” [Stammers.]

Kyle (as CK)

“HELLO I think is the word you’re thinking of, unless you’re thinking of hell, the scary fate that awaits the sinners.” [Hardy chuckle.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Uh, and-no, I was thinking of hello… My…”

I tried to rush for some sort of record of how to introduce myself to folks, but this thing did not seem to have the patience for it.

Kyle (as CK)

“Well hello to you, too!”

Kyle (as Ein)

And with six tiny arms he just grabbed and started shaking until I limply shook back.

Kyle (as CK)

“My name is Cowards Koach Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, or CK Jarvis, at your service.”

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Excuse me, could you… What do those words mean?”

Kyle (as CK)

“Those words mean that I am your new best asset. Whatever you fear, from the smallest soiree to the heat death of the universe itself, I will help you face that fear head on and overcome it.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Uh, well… I do not have any fears, thank you very much. Have a great day.”

 And with that I went back to my work, hoping he would ignore me.

[The sound of cicadas plays.]

The buzzing of his wings didn’t stop. They got louder and louder until I could feel his breath, or some imitation of, right on my shoulder.

Kyle (as CK)

“You haven’t told me yet~ Come on! How can I help somebody out if they don’t tell me how to help them?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I really do not need your assistance. I am perfectly fine.”

Kyle (as CK)

“Perfectly fine you may say, but you are running away from the best performance you may ever experience. How can you even know if it’s gonna be the thing you need if you haven’t said--?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, I said, I don’t need anything.”

Kyle (as CK)

“Hmm… Quiet, avoiding, doesn’t like my sonorous voice, ha! I know exactly what you need.”

Kyle (as Ein)

And that’s when those wings fluttered off and I finally had peace again.

[The cicada sounds fade.]

It was a few minutes later, couldn’t have been more than 15, and I didn’t hear the wings this time, and I didn’t feel that heavy artificial breathing, but sometimes you can just sense when something is behind you, and I tried to continue with my work and ignore this CK. A minute passed, then two, then ten, and it was still there. I like to believe I can keep my composure pretty well, but that was not always the case.

[00:10:00]

So after what felt like a decade, and trust me, I know what a decade feels like, I eventually just spun around to give him a piece of my mind.

[Angrily.] “I told you already, CK—!”

Ari (as Misha)

“Incorrect. My nomenclature isn’t CK. My nomenclature is Machine In Suit of Human Armor Just A Rather Very Intelligent System at your service, but I am not supposed to tell you that as father says I am not supposed to talk with strangers, and Misha’s conscience agrees.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“… I have lots of questions.”

I had a lot of questions, you see.

[Quirky music begins.]

Before we continue, I need to explain something about what I had learned about formal culture. Now, Mr. Win had already dissolved that with the “Pete incident” as it became known to be called, by me, but I had still held onto some modicum of familiarity, and one thing you do not do…

Ari (as Misha)

[Excited.] “Want to see frog?!”

Kyle (as Ein)

…you don’t offer to show a frog to somebody.

[Uneasy.] “O-Oh… A fro-og? Um…”

I did not know what to do at that point. Every barrier had been broken. You don’t get that close, you don’t misname somebody, and you don’t—and I cannot say this enough—offer to show frog. So I did the only thing I knew how to.

[Nervously.] “Fun… fact…”

Ari (as Misha)

“Fun?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“…about frogs…”

Ari (as Misha)

“Fun facts! Misha likes fun facts, and Misha likes frogs.”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Nervous and shaky.] “Ein likes fun facts too, such as…”

[Music ends.]

“There is a kind of frog known as the...nas...akapacha...chusaya...drensis?”

In the heat of the moment I could not remember the proper pronunciation.

“Or purple frog.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Purple?!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Has only 135 individuals known, and only three are females. … That is a fun fact.”

Ari (as Misha)

“This frog is not purple frog, but Misha likes that frog too.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh! That frog is not purple?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Negative. Frog is red.”

Kyle (as Ein)

Well that just piqued my interest.

“I have not heard of a red frog before. Could you describe the frog to me, Ein? My name is—”

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein! Ein! Misha, Ein.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“No, just Ein.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Just Ein. Just Ein?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“N-No, Ein.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Ein.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Nice to meet you, Ein.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Nice to meet you too…”

Ari (as Misha)

“Misha.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“…Misha.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Now Ein is not a stranger, so Misha can talk more with Ein about facts, and frogs.”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Confused.] “Okay…”

[Gentle piano music begins.]

And so we talked, about facts and frogs, and—

Ari (as Misha)

“Car!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh! Yes, car, a racecar.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Racecar?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“You don’t… You don’t know about racecars?”

Ari (as Misha)

“No. Misha has heard of car, but Misha had not seen car before.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, let me tell you—”

[Music ends with the sound of a door slamming open.]

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Misha Jarvis, there you are!”

Ari (as Misha)

[Meekly.] “Oh, father.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Father?”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Yes, my name is Dr. Signus Collodi, renown designer of artificial intelligence. I am awfully sorry for my child inconveniencing you. CK, see what you did?”

Kyle (as CK)

“I don't know, I think my plan worked.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“We will ‘talk’ about this afterwards.”

Ari (as Misha)

[Upset and nervous.] “Father said to not talk with strangers, but that is Ein, and Ein knows Misha, and Misha knows Ein now, so she’s not a stranger?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh, well that’s technically true—”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Well, she is a stranger to me.”

Ari (as Misha)

[Weakly.] “Ein, father… Now you know Ein… My apologies.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh! Right! Hello, Mister—”

I couldn’t finish my sentence before Collodi slapped my hand away and briskly responded.

Kyle (as Collodi)

“I honestly don’t care much to know your name. That doesn’t tell me a thing about you. Come, Misha, CK, we must go.”

Ari (as Misha)

[Sadly.] “Goodbye…”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Goodbye?”

[Sad gentle electronic music begins.]

I didn’t know what it was like to have somebody.

[00:15:00]

I didn’t know what it was like to lose somebody, and that was awfully… it was very quick to do in the span of 15 minutes, but that was going to be that. Collodi had retrieved Misha and was ready to go back to wherever they were staying in Coachman’s Tree, and I probably would have never seen them again were it not for Mr. Win… Pete… were it not for Pete interjecting.

[Music ends with the sound of a door closing.]

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Oh, now, now, Mr. Collodi, where are you going in such a rush?”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Ah, Mr. Win, it is a pleasure to see you.” [Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“I’ve already said, Signus, my name is Pete.”

[Sininster ambient music begins.]

“But I noticed you didn’t answer my question. Where are you off to in such a rush?”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Back to the lab. More work to do.”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Well, you don’t need your children working with you all the time, I’m sure. I’m sure they want to spend some time out here.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“I think I know what my children want.”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Oh, it’s dangerous to assume that, trust me, Signus. Why don’t we ask them?”

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ein)

So, I’ve heard of these things, these movies, or movers, or something, and there used to be this genre called cowboy.

[Cowboy showdown music begins.]

During that there was a face-off where two figures stood and stared at each other until eventually at some point one of them, through the sheer willpower of the other, relented, and Pete won this one.

[Music ends.]

Oh, I’m sorry, I got a little too excited about the cowboy stuff. But yes, that is what happened.

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Fine, but do not stay here too long, Misha.”

Ari (as Misha)

I remember that. I was really excited, and I just ran out the door the second he said that, yelling “out, out!”

[Sinister ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Ein)

Which means Misha didn’t hear the next part, the important part, where Pete, polite as he ever is but with an angry undertone I had never heard before, said one last thing.

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Huh. It seemed they really wanted to go outside. I assume that’s something a watchful guardian would have noticed by this point.”

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ein)

And then, like time does, time continued to pass. By the time Collodi had finished saying that Misha could go, their footsteps were far, far out of earshot. At the time I should have picked up the sinister meaning behind all of that, but all I could think was “developer of artificial intelligence,” and here I had spent all my time trying to figure out how to fix it, and this man had come in and knew how. Now he said I was gonna be a stranger, but I had already met two people that day. In my mind I was probably the most popular person on the planet.

[Laughs.] So, I shot my shot.

[Sounds of knocking followed by a door creaking open.]

“Hello there, Mr. Collodi. I would like to introduce myself again. My name is—”

[The door slams shut. Quirky music begins. Ein knocks again and the door opens.]

“Why hello there, Mr. Collodi. I would like to introduce myself, again. My name is—”

[The door slams again. Ein knocks again.]

[Speaking quickly.] “Hello there, Mr. Collodi. I would like to introduce myself again. My name is Ein.”

And this time the door didn’t slam, and instead I felt another hand in mine.

Kyle (as Collodi)

[Huffy and reluctant.] “Hello, Ein. It is a pleasure to meet you. How may I make your acquaintance?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, Mr. Collodi—”

Kyle (as Collodi)

[Sternly.] “Dr. Collodi.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh, sorry, mister Dr. Collodi. I just wanted to say I was really interested in your artificial intelligence work.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Oh really? Can you even tell me what artificial intelligence is?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh, well yes. Artificial intelligence is a, well, it’s an intelligence that is not organic, and it’s not made naturally mechanically either. It is hand-made by somebody, artificially.”

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Collodi)

“… Your definition of artificial intelligence used both ‘artificial’ and ‘intelligence.’ I suppose this is the best I could have expected. Now, if you will excuse me—”

Kyle (as Ein)

“No, wait! Wait! Wait!”

This was my chance. I was not going to let it go away.

“I know more about artificial intelligence. It’s not organic—”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Said that already.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“It’s not made naturally, mechanically.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“What does that even mean?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“And it’s not stratic life either!”

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

[00:20:00]

Kyle (as Collodi)

“… Stratic life, you say? You know about that?”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Lightly chuckling.] “Well, of course. Who doesn’t know about stratic life?”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“You would be surprised.”

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Hello, and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, Episode 68: One Neon Night, Part 10. I am Kyle, your GM, and our intro and outro songs are Friends and Hitoshio, both by Miracle of Sound.

For today’s announcement break I want to tell you about an audition opportunity. So if you follow us on social media you may have seen this already, but for our upcoming memory episodes we’re doing something a little bit different. We’re gonna include some scripted audio drama segments, and as much as I enjoyed this kind of experimental episode we’re doing today – and I hope you enjoyed it as well – I think one episode where I voice most of the characters most of the time is enough. I don’t think we need another one. So, for these episodes we’re actually casting voice actors.

If you’re even slightly interested in lending your voice to a Quest Friends episode I’d highly encourage you to check out the casting call in the description below. Auditions for this episode will be open until 11:59 PM Central US time on December 5, 2020. If you have any questions at all about your auditions, feel free to reach out to us on social media, via our contact page, or via email at QuestFriendsCast@gmail.com.

I also want to take a second to talk about our episode schedules, which if you follow the schedule on our press kit page you may have noticed I’ve shifted around a bit. The past two years we have taken a winter hiatus. Two years ago I don’t think we released any episodes, and then last year we did two Christmas special episodes.

This year, just like those last two years, we’re gonna take a bit of a hiatus. It won’t be super-super long, but after our next episode we’re gonna have a brief break where we’re gonna have a bonus episode in the spot after that, and then in early January we’ll get back with main episodes. So it’s only an extra two weeks, and you do get an episode in that timeslot, but I just wanted to let you know about the updated schedule.

I also wanted to remind you as we come into these final three episodes – we’ve got three episodes after this left in this arc – that there’s a lot of conversation between the players and myself that happens off the air, so to speak.

These upcoming episodes will get pretty intense, and I want to keep in all the fun reactions that the players have to the events that happen, but I want to make it clear for anyone who may listen to the show for insight into how could you GM better that an important thing I do that you might not see here is that I will debrief with the players after every single session, and I’ll also check in if things get really elevated, and those are critical to safely and successfully pulling off the kind of stories that we’ve done so far and that we’re going to explore in the future.

Anyways. I just thought that was important to mention. Again, I hope you’ve enjoyed our experimental episode that we’re doing today. Our next episode, One Neon Night, Part 11, will be coming out on December 14, but if you’d like additional content before then you can find stories, artwork, and behind the scenes insights at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Fun, electronic Sims-like music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle (as Ein)

And so, Collodi took me under his wing. I quickly explained the situation with Stein, and he quickly found a solution that got Stein up and working again, and in return he just wanted me to help with his research. Something about artificial intelligence and stratic life. I couldn’t quite piece it together, but I did my best, and he at least seemed less displeased than usual. So that was my life: up all day working with Collodi and up all night racing with Stein.

I was pretty happy with that routine. It was straightforward, it was simple. Collodi even wanted to make a formal agreement, something I had just given up hope on ever getting from anyone. But then one day, after Pete had pulled a few strings, I found myself doing a different kind of racing.

[Music ends.]

“Okay Misha, so this is the inside of the racecar, and you are on a seat.”

[00:25:00]

Ari (as Misha)

“Ooh! Misha likes the… Misha likes racecar.”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Chuckles.] “Well, I haven’t even told you anything about it.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Misha likes racecar.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Actually, a fun fact. Did you know ‘racecar’ is actually a general term used for all vehicles that race?”

Ari (as Misha)

“All of them?!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, all of the ones I’ve worked with at least.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein has multiple racecars? In here? Can Misha go inside all of them?”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Animated robotic quacking.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Stein! Stein! They’re just asking. There’s no harm in that.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Two short blips.]

Ari (as Misha)

“Stein! Stein! Salutations! My nomenclature is Machine In Suit of Human Armor Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, at your service. Misha!”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Animated robotic quacking that ends in an extended whine.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Stein says he is happy to meet you too.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Indignant noises.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, it was close enough to what you said.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Two dejected blips.]

Ari (as Misha)

“Ooh! Ein can understand Stein? Can you teach Misha how to understand Stein?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Uh, well…”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Several high-pitched, urgent quacks.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“We’ll consider it. Anyways, Stein is actually here to help us today.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Ooh, thank you, Stein.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Chirps proudly.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“So, today I was supposed to teach you how to drive. Now I know it might be a bit confusing because I’m in the drifter’s seat, but drifting is only part of the racing experience. The other half is navigation.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Ooh! Navigation? How can I help with navigation?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, remember how you described that red frog to me once?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes! Red frog! Do you know fun fact about red frog?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Yes. I have been doing lots of research on the red frog since we last spoke. A fun fact about the red frog is that its croak sounds like what has been called a squeaky toy.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Whoa…”

Kyle (as Ein)

“It thinks it’s ferocious, but I hear it’s cute.”

At that point I actually turned off Stein to lean into Misha and say,

[Whispering.] “Like Stein.”

“So, like you had described the frog to me, I need you to describe the road.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Oh, certainly! Misha can describe the road. Uh, hmm, Misha sees trees, red trees, and there is a lot of clouds as well, and…”

Kyle (as Ein)

“That is fantastic, but do you see the road right in front of you?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Oh, the road! Yes.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Do you see how it turns left and right?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I need you to tell me when it is going to do that.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Okay. Let’s get started.”

And it was at that moment that I turned on the racecar and started moving. I was confident. We were in a small practice car, a little bumper car, and Misha seemed to know exactly what they were doing. They understood my instructions perfectly. I mean, that’s what my brain thought, but admittedly I hadn’t slept in the past 48 hours or so.

[Quirky rambling music begins.]

“Okay, so, I’m going to go slowly, and you tell me when to turn.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Okay.”

Ari (as Misha)

“… Uh, now! Ein turns now! Ein turns now!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“O-Okay, which direction?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Uh, left, left! But, uh, not now, anymore, because the road has turned left, uh, seconds ago.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Frantic quacking followed by a long shriek.]

[Sounds of a relatively minor car crash.]

Kyle (as Ein)

And that was the first time we crashed.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Misha)

“My apologies.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, that was… We drove a little bit. What did you think of it?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Misha thought it was really fun, although Misha’s conscience doesn’t think it was very safe.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, Misha’s conscience doesn’t have to be worried, because fun fact, that was the slowest we’re gonna go all night. Do you wanna go faster?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes. Misha knows it’s not safe, because of conscience, but Misha still wants to go faster.”

[Eurobeat music begins.]

Kyle (as Ein)

And so, we went fast, faster and faster. At one point we were going faster than I had ever driven before. Stein was not happy about it, but Misha and I were having a blast.

Kyle (as Stein)

[Distressed and reprimanding squawks.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Yes, I know Stein, we’re going fast, but Misha knows exactly when to tell me to turn.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Turn left in five seconds.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Five… four…”

Kyle & Ari (as Ein & Misha)

“Three… two… one…”

Ari (as Misha)

“Turn left!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Turning now!”

And we were going faster and faster, and I was elated, I was excited, which was why I didn’t notice my head starting to droop more and more.

[00:30:00]

Even when you’re a simile like me, two days without sleep can cause you to fall asleep pretty quickly.

[Music fades.]

I don’t really remember quite when or how I passed out. Misha probably would know better what happened then.

[The zooming of race car wheels sounds.]

Ari (as Misha)

“Turn right in five seconds. Five… four… three… Ein? Two…? Uh, uh… turn! Turn! Ein! Ein, turn!”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Squawks nervously.]

[The zooming fades and gentle nostalgic music begins.]

Ari (as Misha)

I do remember that now. It was scary. I kept insisting that you turned, and the turn was coming closer and closer, but you wouldn’t respond to me, so I did what I saw you do before which was pressing the accelerator even faster while moving the wheel, and it felt great! I didn’t want to let it go afterwards… I remember that.

Kyle (as Ein)

Yeah, Misha did phenomenally. Stein told me after the fact, because again… anyways. When I woke up Misha had an earful for me.

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein! Ein! You missed it, but Misha drifted! And Misha took the wheel, and Misha went and accelerated even faster than Ein had done, and it was really good! I thought we would crash like before, but we didn’t, I didn’t! And, and…”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Misha—what? You drifted?”

Ari (as Misha)

“I did!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I was in the drifter seat and you were in the—Oh no, you said I fell asleep, didn’t you?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes, but I moved you away from the place… You’re fine, uh, and… My apologies, I hope it is okay.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh yeah, of course it’s okay, although you really didn’t need to go into the drifter seat.”

Ari (as Misha)

“No, Misha did. Misha protected Ein, because Misha thinks that when a friend tries to do themselves harm you cannot help but do whatever you can.”

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“What was that third word you said?”

Ari (as Misha)

“Third word? When, uh… friend?” Friend. Ein is Misha’s friend. Right?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Oh. Would that make Misha Ein’s friend?”

Ari (as Misha)

[Meekly.] “Does Ein want to be Misha’s friend?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Uh… Yeah.”

[Peppy, childlike synthwave music begins.]

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes! Misha and Ein are friends, and Misha protects friends.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“And Ein—I, I… I, Ein, promise that I will protect Misha as well.”

And I wasn’t lying. There’s a lot that happened since then, but honestly for our story today it’s not as important. Misha and I raced a lot more. We eventually became our own drifting team, and once we really solidified as a team I made sure we had a car as well. No one really wanted to deal with that crashed bumper car, so I may have made a few modifications to make it more Tirefly-like.

Meanwhile, I was still working with Collodi learning about stratic life and relays and all the ways in which we could communicate with this invisible world layered on top of our own. In retrospect, I’m sure that what was coming was already happening behind the scenes, but I didn’t know it until that day.

[Music ends.]

It was Misha’s first race alone. Speedy Speed Boys usually race together in pairs, but Misha was so excited to try drifting and they just kept saying ‘well my conscience is my navigator,’ but I still went to see them off, and CK came too. If you don’t count Collodi, and you shouldn’t count Collodi, CK had been the second friend that I had made.

Kyle (as CK)

“Misha Jarvis, off on your first race by yourself. That has to be awfully terrifying.”

Ari (as Misha)

“CK! CK! Misha goes up?! Misha goes up, CK?!”

Kyle (as CK)

“Misha goes all the way up. Oh-ho-ho!”

Kyle (as Ein)

And moving so quickly a wind was left in his place, CK rushed forward to pick Misha up and twirl them all over the place. Most people, like myself, found it terrifying, and he relished in that, but I think he enjoyed Misha’s pure enjoyment of it more.

Ari (as Misha)

That’s what you were doing earlier, weren’t you? That’s how you said hello to me.

Kyle (as CK)

That’s how we understood each other, sib.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh… It’s been a long time since then.

Kyle (as CK)

Yeah, I guess it has…

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein! Misha is up! Ein is so small! Hello Ein!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Hello Misha!”

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein is ant from here!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“And this ant would like you to come down, please.”

Kyle & Ari (as CK & Misha)

[Disappointed.] “Aww…”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I’m sorry, Misha. CK, bring them down.”

[00:35:00]

Ari (as Misha)

“Hmm. Later CK? Later after race? Misha up?”

Kyle (as CK)

“After race, and maybe during if you’re lucky.”

Ari (as Misha)

[Delighted gasp.]

Kyle (as Ein)

[Authoritatively.] “After the race. Anyways, Misha, I just wanted to see how you were feeling.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Very excited and very happy, and nervous too, because it is Misha’s first race, and so Misha is a bit nervous, but, but, don’t worry, because Misha has a navigator too. Misha’s conscience. So Misha will be okay.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[One very long and doubtful quack.]

Kyle (as Ein)

[Reprimanding.] “Well Stein, I’m sure Misha will do a fantastic job, and I’m sure Misha’s conscience—”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Defiant quacking.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“—will be an excellent navigator.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes! It tells me when things aren’t safe, and so I trust it.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“And Stein and I will be in the audience the whole time, so Stein will let me know exactly what’s going on.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes, please do, Stein! I don’t want Ein to miss anything!”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Two short blips.]

[Engine revving begins.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, it looks like everyone’s getting ready to go. I’ll talk to you afterwards.”

Ari (as Misha)

“Yes, I will talk to you afterwards, friend.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I’ll talk to you too, friend.”

[Engine revving ends.]

Misha made one lap before CK let out,

[Sounds of cars and a crowd begin.]

Kyle (as CK)

“And Misha Jarvis has been disqualify—Oh, are you sure about this? Misha Jarvis has been disqualified.”

[Sounds of cars and a crowd end.]

Kyle (as Ein)

And I cannot describe how livid I was. Collodi hadn’t told me explicitly, but he had been talking about Pete, and so I thought I knew immediately who had called for the disqualification, so I marched right on up to Pete and I said,

“What was that all about, Mr. Win? That was clearly not a disqualification. Misha was driving perfectly fine.”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“I understand that, Ein, and Misha definitely put their best effort into that. We’ve sometimes got to slow down a bit. Do you understand?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well that’s not what Mr. Collodi said!”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Then maybe we need to talk to Signus.”

Kyle (as Ein)

We kept arguing and arguing. It must have been going for a long time. I didn’t even notice Misha was there until they spoke up.

Ari (as Misha)

“Ein! Did you see Misha race? What did you think?!”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, I think—”

Ari (as Misha)

“Did Stein say everything to you? Stein, you should have not let her miss any details.”

Kyle (as Stein)

[Animated robotic quacking.]

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well, I think—”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“I think you did phenomenally, Misha.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“How could YOU say that?”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Well, we both agree it’s true.”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Stammering, flustered.] “But you, you, you…!”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Ein, take a breath. Let’s celebrate Misha’s race, and then we can talk about what’s going on.”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Angrily.] “What’s there to talk about when you won’t understand anything anyway?”

And I stormed off. Pete had never understood things. He had not understood the proper structures, the proper systems, he hadn’t formalized things, so I didn’t feel like I could really talk to him about my frustrations and my anxieties, but I needed to talk to somebody, and as great as Stein is he isn’t a great conversationalist. So, I went to the only person I thought would understand.

[Door creaks open and falls shut heavily.]

“Mr. Collodi, I need to talk to you about this—”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Dr. Collodi.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Mister Dr. Collodi, I need to talk to you about the race! The one that Misha was a part of.”

[Oppressive ambient music begins.]

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Oh… Is that all? I thought you would have been the one to know everything considering that you are the one who’s always in the racecar with them.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well normally yes, but this time they wanted to try something different. They wanted to try something—”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Alone?! I am aware. For what reason do you think I called for their disqualification?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“That was you? Mister… Doctor… Collodi! How could you?!”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Don’t get snippy with me, Ein. I made it very clear that Misha could not be left alone by themself.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I know, but they were so confident. They kept talking about how their conscience would be their navigator, whatever that means.”

And the silence… There was a lot wrong with Collodi, and that was the first time the mask really slipped.

Kyle (as Collodi)

[Screams and slams a surface sending multiple metallic objects flying and clattering across the room.]

Kyle (as Ein)

When he eventually picked up the tools he just said with quiet breath,

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Who did you say the navigator was again?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Their conscience?”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Oh. Of course that’s what she’s taken to calling herself.

[00:40:00]

Her real name is The Lady With Cinnabar Lips.”

[The Lady with Cinnabar Lips’ theme begins.]

“We’ve talked about stratic life, Ein, have we not?”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Yes, an awful lot.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“And we’ve talked about the dangers inherent.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“Well yes, you know, without going into danger there’s no risk of discovery.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Yes, but it is important for those of us with the knowledge to move towards that. For someone like Misha, exposure to a malevolent force from the Datasphere could spell destruction.”

Kyle (as Ein)

“I… I guess, but Misha hasn’t seemed to have any—”

Kyle (as Collodi)

[Forcefully.] “You want to protect Misha, do you not?!”

Kyle (as Ein)

[Weakly.] “Yes…”

Kyle (as Collodi)

“Then you must disregard this conversation and focus solely on our—”

[Music ends suddenly.]

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“I think that’s enough, Signus.”

Kyle (as Collodi)

[Clears throat.] “Mr. Win, how long have you been here?”

Kyle (as Mr. Win)

“Well, I think I’ve been here awfully long enough. Do you remember that guardian program we had talked about? As we discussed previously, I think it’s something that we might want to look into.”

Kyle (as Ein)

And that was it. That was the night that schism cemented.

Tom (as Xoc)

What is a guardian program?

Kyle (as Ein)

What it sounds like.

[Ethereal music begins.]

Pete had long since disagreed with Collodi’s methods of guardianship. He had made it clear that he was not going to let it continue the way it had. The guardian program was a way of looking for alternative parental figures for Misha. Collodi was clearly not effective, and none of us knew what Misha’s conscience was until that night.

Kyle

Ein, who has been rustling through the drawers over this whole conversation, finally opens the one she was looking for, and she pulls out a small photograph.

Kyle (as Ein)

It never made it past that man who died 45 years ago.

Kyle

She throws the photograph on the table, and with the exception of Misha no one recognizes the man in the image. Well… almost no one.

Emily

[Grinning.] I hate you. I hate you so much.

Ari

Oh no… Oh no!

Hallie

Oh…

Tom

You can’t be fucking serious! Are you serious?!

Hallie & Ari

OH NO!

Tom

WHAT THE FUCK?! Are you fucking kidding me?!

Emily

Nooo!

Tom

With this bullshit!

Hallie

No!

Emily

Oh nooo! WHAT?!

Ari

What the fuck, Kyle?!

Tom

You lied to us for so long!

Emily

I asked you straight out!

Hallie

What?!

Ari

I thought it was just a—

[Stammers.] What?!

Tom

Is this why you wanted everyone to have their recordings on, just for this?

Ari

What the fuck?!

Hallie

A blank recording until 1 hour and 50 minutes in until everybody screams?

Ari

Like, almost no one? What? Fuck you!

Hallie

So angry. I am so angry. Why am I always angry? God!

Tom

Emily, can we start a vote to kick Kyle out of the apartment?

Hallie

Yeah! Just fucking kick him to the curb.

Kyle

[Grinning smugly.] … So can I finish the episode?

Tom

Fuck you.

Hallie

No!

Tom

Go to hell.

Ari

[Smiling.] This is how it ends!

Tom

Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200.

Hallie

[Laughing.] You fucking CAN’T finish the episode. You have forfeited that right. You have forfeited the right to finish the episode!

Ari

[Laughing.] I’m so upset! You know how much…

Emily

[Resigned.] Go ahead.

Kyle

It started as a very exciting day, Misha.

[A cheerful, jaunty whistle begins.]

Mr. Win had told you about how there was this really cool, exciting stranger who was ready to become a friend, someone he was positive you would love and he knew would love you. Father seemed unsure, and Misha’s conscience seemed unsure too, but there was something about the way Mr. Win spoke about it that was so exciting.

So, you went to the room that you were asked to go to at the requested time. You looked at the door. You took a few moments to compose yourself. A new friend, this is so exciting. After a few seconds of waiting, you threw the door open and saw the man waiting in the other room.

He was whistling to himself, and you saw the hat do a little dance on top of his head as he whistled. His shoes were almost tapping of their own accord while the long purple scarf he had bundled around his neck tick-tocked up and down along with the rhythm, and as he turned around to see you, his face, already so full of light and love, illuminated even brighter, as he said,

Kyle (as Karl)

“Hi Misha. My name is Karl.”

[Outro song plays, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

And that’s the end of the episode.

Tom

[Grumbles angrily.]

Emily

I’m gonna vomit.

Hallie

I am gonna stab you.

Ari

I am so upset! I’m so upset, and I remember when I listened to that episode, I was like that’s an interesting choice that you just…

[00:45:00]

I was like, oh, maybe that’s cool, maybe it’s just a baby so they just give them a date and pronouns to the baby, because they don’t know! But I always thought about that.

Kyle

A couple of fun facts. Karl’s scarf, right?

Ari

Yeah, I know!

Kyle

Sorry, his clothes. His clothes move when he makes music. He said there was a person who could sing, and Misha woke up to a song running in the back of their head. If we notice, in Misha’s Memory, when the scarf gets far enough away from Misha it stops working.

Ari

[Gasps.] What?

Hallie

I am so fucking angry.

Kyle

And, do you remember who the scarf chased after at the end of your memory session, Ari?

Ari

No, I know that. I know that. That’s when I was like oh, it has to be Karl’s scarf, but I thought that the movement was because of a different thing. I didn’t realize that it was because of that.

Tom

How long? How long did you plan this?!

Emily

Mm-hmm!

Kyle

Uh, probably about two years now. This is the last twist I’ve had.

Tom

[Pounds on his desk.] Fucker. All along. All along! OH! Oh, I’ve… MM!

[Smiling.] I’m gonna flip my fucking desk over.

Kyle

Also, I’ll have you know—Fun fact, another fun fact. There’s so many fun facts.

Ari

[Through a pained smile.] No, there’s too many fun facts, none of which are fun.

Emily

None of these are fun!

Ari

None of these are fun facts!

Hallie

Fuck your fun facts!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

What is it? Karl… Oh! When Karl came back to talk to Elee, he didn’t say he had met a child, he said “youth” specifically to keep it vague enough, because Misha’s always looked kind of adult-like.

Ari

Youth?! Did he say youth?! Oh my god!

Emily

I didn’t even… I just…

Kyle

He said youth specifically.

Ari

I’m so upset, and I’m upset that we all remember different things, like Tom noticed the youth thing, I noticed the gender, the like they/them pronouns, and we didn’t—never fucking clicked!

God, I’m so angry. I’m so upset.

Emily

This is the type of feeling that makes you go angry-cry in the shower… alone, in the dark.

Ari

UGH!

Kyle (as Collodi)

Dr. Signus Collodi speaks like this, the pompous-est asshole in the planet.

Emily

[Laughing.] What the fuck is that voice?

Kyle

I’ve been trying to figure out a voice.

Kyle (as Collodi)

Dr. Signus Collodi!

Ari

No, it was great.

Hallie

Dude, the one you had was great.

Ari

No, it was great! Yeah.

Hallie

It was so good.

Kyle (as Collodi)

Dr. Signus Collodi, my snooty laugh. [Humorous mirthy laugh.]

Ari

Yeah, no, it was great. It was a compliment, it wasn’t a criticism.

Hallie

It just—Yeah. [Laughs.]

I was real close to reacting that way during the cowboys. I was gonna be like “cowboys?!” And I was like no Hallie, you’re not here.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Hopper’s there, and Hopper’s not gonna interrupt this very important story that Ein and Misha are finally telling to be like “I like cowboys.”

Ari

[Laughs.]

Tom

Anyone wanna talk about cowboys?

“I wanna talk about cowboys!”

I know, Hop.

Hallie

[Delighted.] Right!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

“I like cowboys.”

I know, Hop.

Hallie

[Laughing.] I didn’t wanna be that.

Ari

The thing is if Hopper had done that Misha would try to derail everything, like “yes Simon Scotch, talk about cowboys, please.”

Kyle

“Let’s talk about cowboys.”

Hallie

[Laughing.] Cowboys! Right?!

[Episode ends - 00:48:03.]