Ep. 79: The Obsidian Cloud, Part 6

Kyle

Previously on Quest Friends…

[Intro song begins, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound.]

Tom (as Xoc)

The shield keeps some things out. Mostly we used it to keep dangerous weather from affecting the buildings and people inside. So, I think it’ll probably keep out the worst of the storm, but I don’t really think there’s anything to stop the constructs, the obsidian soldier things that Aegon makes, from just walking through the shield if they land on the ground.

Ari

Is there any way to incorporate Redd’s Blessing somehow into this shield, somehow? I don't know.

Kyle (as Mayra)

Yes-yes, you definitely could create something to sever the connection.

Kyle (as Jaykell)

The generator is… it won’t work forever. They’re going to find a way in. If you wanted to get up there without any of those things getting in, you need an army protecting this place while you’re gone.

Ari (as Misha)

We are going to come back because there is a concert that you’re all invited to and it will be after we return.

Hallie (as Ness)

You know, I was walking around, and seeing all these people from various different locations collecting themselves into small teams, and I realized… this is regionals.

[Intro music swells and carries into the episode.]

Kyle

It’s not rain.

[Eye of the storm ambience begins.]

For many inside of the Weal it sounds the same, even looks the same from a distance, but it feels unmistakably different. The light of the setting sun is gone, replaced by the shadow of the Apocrita and the beating light of the barrier holding it back. A torrent of spiders bombards the barrier, ineffectually bouncing off but continuing to strike it with unyielding resolve. A few soldiers do make their way through, but each time a prism of light in the barrier ignites and the soldiers hit the ground as nothing more than thin slates of obsidian glass.

And yet, the Apocrita refuses to relent. Inside the barrier the Weal’s citizens, friends and family wait. They prepare defenses, catch up with one another, and take care of any pressing matters they have to resolve, because one way or another the Weal will not be the same tomorrow.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Bloosh!

What was that sound effect?

[Makes a heavy bursting sound.] There we go!

With a few more dull kind of (splats), more slates of glass hit the barrier and just fall into the water surrounding the beach on the sea-facing side of the Weal of Baz. As they do, a dog nose reaches down to them and just starts sniffing by the water. Only after yelping as some bright technicolor crabs start pinching at his nose, Fayz bounces back up and sticks his head back into the Red Mary.

Olivia

Awesome~

[Silly, child-like music begins.]

I grip his collar and, eyes on the road, try to maybe pick the last of the things off of his little face.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Oh shoot. Fayz, sorry, sorry. I should have been paying better attention to you. I’m sorry. I’ll roll up the window.

Kyle (as Fayz)

Rule of the what?

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Window? I’ll roll up the window. I’ll roll it up.

Kyle (as Fayz)

But. But I like. Head out. Head out window.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

I get it.

Kyle (as Fayz)

Head out window.

Olivia

I just—I look around. I really am not sure how much agency to give Fayz, because for a dog I don’t give them everything they want, but I’m going to respectfully…

[Others restrain giggles.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

How about, like, window crack? So you can still smell and everything, but you know. … Window crack?

Kyle (as Fayz)

[Exhales, thinking.] Okay. Fine, window crack.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Who’s a good boy?

Kyle (as Fayz)

But very big crack. Very big crack.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Playfully.] Yeah. Who’s a good boy?

Olivia

[Laughs.] And I roll the window down a little bit.

Kyle

You nestle Fayz as, in the seat next to him, an old robot sticks his cane down in the Red Mary and Horus takes his long legs and sets them up on the dash.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

That’s… That’s—Sir, that’s not gonna work for me.

David (as Horus)

This is a very spacious vehicle.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

You’re right. I know, and I definitely—Okay.

David (as Horus)

A real marvel of technology.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

I know. I worked so hard. Thank you for saying so…

David (as Horus)

Could you tell me more about it?

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Okay, so here’s the thing. I definitely went over the rules before we even started up the vehicle, right? So you know that I specifically would prefer that you don’t put your feet up even though, as I went over, I’ve also updated the interior. I just think it’s a matter of respect.

[00:05:00]

Kyle (as Jebediah)

Absolutely!

Kyle

This walrus man, Jebediah Ishmael, pokes his head in.

Olivia

Wait, he doesn’t have— Is he slopping wet flippers?

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Even better.

Olivia

[Hyperventilates]

Absolutely not.

Kyle

[Smiling.] He slides his slopping wet flippers over.

Kyle (as Jebediah)

Rule #35 of the Red Mary, as said by Hannelore Dunn.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Yeah.

Kyle (as Jebediah)

No feet on the dash.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Or flippers, I guess. Like—

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as Jebediah)

My flippers are firmly planted onto the back section here. Thank you very much.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Good. Great. Thank you. It’s good to know that you were listening. That’s great.

Olivia

I press a button that evacuates excess water and stuff for spillage and things that I have added since adventuring and it just disappears.

Kyle

As it all slides out you can just hear, from the outside, a dramatic monologue just going

[Wrestling music begins over speakers.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

[Muffled, shouting.] Speedy Speed Boys! We’re gonna fight that heel, Aegon Stormbreaker!

Kyle

And there’s a rev-rev-revving of cars behind you as well as the stomping of this giant float of a man named Tommy Funbuck which is piloted, just so everyone knows, by Viv and Baby Jason.

Olivia

[Giggles.]

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So Hannelore, you are on the Sea Force.

Olivia

[Musically.] Sea Force Squad~

[Silly, ambling sailor music begins.]

Kyle

So you have on the Sea Force Captain Jebediah Ishmael, Viv and Baby Jason who are in the Tommy Funbuck float, Jimmy Win, the craves – which were those angry little crabs, Horus, Fayz, and then the remainder of the Speedy Speed Boys.

For anyone listening or reading the transcript, I probably mentioned this last episode, but a reminder that we have an NPC list for each episode, and our NPC list for the last couple of episodes actually include the first episode where a character was introduced. So for example, for Viv and Baby Jason, it’s gonna say the name of the rollercoaster episode which I just can’t remember where that was. It was the one where Hop lied to Misha and we all got very upset about it.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Wow.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Wow! Not like the one with the rollercoaster, the one where Hop lied to Misha. Rude.

Ari

I’m glad. I was afraid you were gonna say the one where Misha almost threw Hop off the rollercoaster. No, it was—

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yeah, that also happened!

Kyle

See, I didn’t say that, but you’ve put it on the record, Ari.

Olivia

Guilty conscience.

Ari

Oh my god. Well, you can edit that out. I know you won’t now that I said it, but you could.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

The guilty flee when none pursueth.

Kyle

So each of you has your own batch of NPCs, and Hannelore, you are in the Red Mary. This is your vehicle. It’s like a Volkswagen bus, but it also works in the sea. I know you frickin’ love this thing, so I want you to describe what the Red Mary looks like going into your final battle.

Olivia

Okay. So, when I welcomed everyone into the car—

Kyle

The three worst guests you could have.

Olivia

I think I’m handling it fine. I’m fine with the dog, and the crabs—as long as they’re not doing anything that’s cool. It’s mostly mister walrus, the captain himself, but at least he’s carefully paying attention to the rules.

[Laughter.]

I have updated the Red Mary’s interior so that it has that cool polyplastic stuff that dirt just slicks right off of it, and then I have a button that collects it and then spits it out. I showed it off probably when I made it to A.Lex and everybody, pouring an entire cup of coffee on the interior, like “no-no, it’s fine, watch” and then it all just goes away.

I think the way that we’re going to begin is that I imagine that we’re driving right now, right? Like, I have these guys driving and their cars are driving behind me?

Kyle

You’re not driving yet. The Speedy Speed Boys’ cars actually don’t work in water. Some of them are big enough, like the one with monster truck wheels and jet skis between it actually works, not because the wheels drive in water but because they get the jet skis close enough to the water that the jet skis just power the rest of the car.

The rest of them are, and I quote from Jimmy, “so god damn fucking fast, bro, like you wouldn’t fucking believe. They glide over the shitting water like majestic bluebirds.”

Olivia

Jimmy’s not in my car, is he?

Kyle

No. Jimmy has his own car.

Olivia

Great. Great.

Kyle

But no, so they’re all on the beach waiting for everything to start. At this point it’s just the rain and the soldiers are coming in but they’re not actually doing anything yet because they’re being unlinked from the cloud as soon as they enter. So you’re just kinda sitting—I assume you’re probably in the water—but you’re sitting at the edge of the beach.

Olivia

I’m about to go in. Okay, so Jimmy Win had this information to share with me. I imagine he’s speaking it to me through my rolled-down window as I’m parked on the beach next to him.

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Our cars are so fast!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Okay… that’s great.

[00:10:00]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

You won’t believe what the Speedy Speed Boys can do!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

That’s cool. That’s cool! That’s cool. That’s—

Olivia

The window is going back up.

[Electronic window closes. Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah. 

Oivia

I put it in reverse.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

No yeah, really fast.

Olivia

Then I press a button that has an anchor on it and there’s a sound of a bell, like ding, ding!

[Pirate music begins.]

I floor it and the Red Mary charges into the water and starts to Transformers style (mechanical shifting sounds), things moving around. It almost looks like a Viking long ship with a single post in the middle mostly open to the air on the sides but made of red and white awesome steel. The sail is a giant tie-dye pattern with a cookie on it, and she assumes her form of the Big Red Maria. I just sort of cruise, like hockey stop in the water, and look at Jimmy Win.

[Music ends.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Cool car though, dude. Really cool.

Kyle

One last thing before I think we’re in a good space to move onto the next person is as everything rises, alongside the flag, your first mate rises alongside it. He just belts out:

Hallie (as ???)

[Screeching.] Hannelore!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

[Softly, confused.] What…? What?

Hallie

[Laughing, losing it, crying.] Salad Raptor is there! Salad Raptor is there and he’d he’s trying to signal to you with his little raptor hands!

Olivia

Salad Raptor?! SALAD RAPTOR!

[Emotional guitar music plays.]

Hallie

And he’s got a little salad bowl as a hat! [Continues to squeak in delight.]

Olivia

I run the length of the ship and take Salad Raptor into my arms and like (hum). Its tiny arms extended. Its salad bowl glistening in the daylight. If there’s nothing else, Hannelore leaves it on the stereo system pumping Light of a Clear Blue Morning by Dolly Parton and it just explodes as I flip Salad Raptor into the air.

Kyle

For reference, Salad Raptor is a fucking Chuck E. Cheese animatronic from The Cookie Three.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

He’s your first mate.

Olivia

Oh my gosh. I’m just gonna draw a skull and crossbones on his salad bowl.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

As you set him down you turn over and see Fayz by the window, which is fully rolled down again.

Olivia

Oh, it’s open to the air. It’s almost like a huge rowboat, you know what I mean?

Kyle

Oh! I see it. I see it. So in that case, you turn over and you see Fayz at the very end whose head is at this point just fully submerged underwater.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Okay. Okay. Good boy. Good boy.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Next to him you see Horus who is just leaned back even further. He’s somehow done a man-spread on the dash.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Olivia

[Sighs.]

Kyle

And then most horrifyingly of all, to the very left at the wheel of the Red Mary you see the wet flippers of Jebediah Ishmael who looks back to you and says:

Kyle (as Jebediah)

Someone must always be at the wheel.

Olivia

Hannelore takes a full beat.

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Labored.] Of course. Of course, your captainness. Of course someone has to be at the wheel, and that’s me, man. I’m the helmsman. So you get out of there! Get right out of there right now, and I’ll drive. … I’m driving.

Olivia

And I just hip-check the walrus out of the way. He can sit on a bench nearby.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I mean that’s what he did during all of his arc anyway. Heyo!

Ari

Yeah.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Perfect. You should be very comfortable there.

Olivia

Can Salad Raptor serve hors d’oeuvres?

Hallie

He would be delighted.

Kyle

He serves hors d’oeuvres. Unfortunately, Jebediah is allergic, Horus doesn’t eat, but Fayz loves it all.

Olivia

Good boy! He’s a good boy.

Kyle

He is a dog, so he does get very sick very quickly afterwards.

Olivia

Oh… okay.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle

So, while Fayz is proving just how stain-proof the interior of the Red Mary is, we are going to move past the beach, up the steps, but not to town hall yet. We’re actually going to focus on a little opened up house on the Cliffside. This is Xoc’s house which again has the Ring of Power inside of it and has been kind of somehow Transformer’d up so that it’s just open-facing like a dollhouse now.

Ig, you have this just long, gangly, both forceful and also kind of light body just slam into you and pick you five feet off the ground.

[Silly accordion waltz music begins.]

Kyle (as Vespari)

My wonderful sibling, Ig! The Incredible Igneous Artiste of Astaria! How wonderful it is to see you again!

Emily (as Ig)

[Delighted, shouting.] Ah, big brother~!

Kyle

Vespari sets you down.

Kyle (as Vespari)

How were your adventures with your friends of Ig? Was everything alright? You did not give driver Haneylore too much difficulty, did you? After what I heard last time about the Miss Mary I just want to make sure everything is alright.

Emily (as Ig)

Oh, everything’s absolutely fine. I didn’t do anything to the Red Mary, at all, ever. Just, um… nope.

[00:15:00]

Olivia

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ig?

Kyle

He sets you down and looks at you.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ig, what did we say about lying?

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Ig)

That we should do it when we’re in public so that people think we’re doing stage magic when we’re not.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Vespari has just confronted who he was as a person and the things he said, and he’s just struck for a moment.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Well yes, I did say that, but that was the words of The Great Vespari, a con man and a really just terrible person. Now, The Vespari will tell you new, informed, good rules and manners. Isn’t that right, my grizzly friend?

Kyle

He slaps the man next to him, and Rockryan just grunts and goes:

Kyle (as Rockryan)

What the hell are you talking to me like we’re friends for? You got fossils for me? You got fossils for me then we’ll talk.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ah… my friend, you need to articulate a little bit.

Kyle (as Rockryan)

[Screaming.] Give me fucking fossils or I’ll fucking kill you!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

And Vespari just picked up—

Emily (as Ig)

Okay! Okay. That’s, that’s, that’s nice, sir. Um… My brother does not have fo… fop… fol…

Kyle (as Bee)

Fossils.

Emily (as Ig)

Fossils!

Kyle

This vine wraps around Rockryan and faces you, Ig, as a bright light goes to its end, and Bee just says:

Kyle (as Bee)

[Slow and deliberate.] Rockryan really likes fossils. He would not die for fossils, but other people would die for his fossils.

Emily (as Ig)

[Sobbing.] I don’t want my brother to die for his fossils!

Kyle (as Meeghan)

Well of course he wouldn’t die for his fossils, he doesn’t have any! [belly-laughs.]

Kyle

And Meeghan just laughs at her not-joke. It wasn’t a joke, it was just a statement of fact.

Emily

Meeghan does not fear death.

Kyle

She really does not. And none of your team really fears death, because you have what I have dubbed Team Chaos.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

[Silly music begins.]

Kyle

Ig, on your squad you’ve got Vespari, Rockryan, Bee, Meeghan, Sunny and Mayra – and Sunny and Mayra are busy in the Ring of Power, they’re doing stuff there. You’ve also got Fungi who is very uncomfortable at this talk of fossils, and you can see he just covers up one of the little mushrooms on his head which is related to an incident where he may have dipped a little bit of his head in the Ba-Adenu Forest bog and gotten just a little bit of a fossil mushroom up there.

But finally, you’ve got someone who’s not concerned with this fossil talk at all. You’ve got Unit 909, this little battle bot Roomba who is just frantically rushing from place to place inside of Horus’s house, notoriously the most cluttered place in all of the Weal of Baz.

Kyle (as Unit 909)

No, this must go here, but if it goes here then that cannot go there.

Kyle

They bump into stuff and just go over to Rockryan.

Kyle (as Unit 909)

Are any of these considered fossils? I have not found a good place for them and therefore need to get rid of them.

Emily (as Ig)

Um… I have a question. Is this robbing this house? Because I specifically promised that I wouldn’t rob this house.

Kyle

[Laughing.] Who did you promise?

Emily

Hannelore. We had some ground rules.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

I was gonna say.

Emily

You were already nodding.

Kyle

Sunny just says, from the Ring of Power in the other room:

Kyle (as Sunny)

It’s not stealing if they invited you there in the first place.

Kyle

To which Fungi responds:

Kyle (as Fungi)

I can agree with that. That’s what CK says every time he takes some of my things.

Emily

I don't know if Fungi has noticed, but Ig has been slowly reaching up to touch some of the mushrooms on his head.

Kyle

Emily, Ig… Fungi has not noticed a single god damn thing in his entire life.

Emily

Ig is pulling on it a little now.

Kyle

And that’s when Rockryan sees the small little mushroom that’s a fossil.

[Scary musical sting.]

Emily

[Breathy.] No!

Kyle

And we cut away before Fungi fucking dies.

[Laughter.]

And we move higher up on the steps, away from the house, up towards the Weal of Baz proper. We find ourselves in the main courtyard, so at the top of the steps, and right beneath this giant opening a few soldiers hit the barrier and fall down and just start clunking like really ineffectual hail on the roof of the city hall.

[Inspirational patriotic music begins.]

As we go to the inside of the city hall we can hear a voice echoing over some speakers and we hear the last sentence of the speech.

[00:20:00]

Ari (as A.Lex)

And so, remember that if this barrier goes down—which it won’t, but if it does they will regret it goes down because we will be here and we will destroy every single one of those things that come through, because aren’t we the best team ever and aren’t we going to give them hell?

[Music ends abruptly.]

Ari

[Grinning.] She’s expecting a response.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

This man with dark hair and a blonde mustache just does a very quiet [Claps rapidly.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

Thank you. Thank you. I believe your name is Inspector Cecilos? Is that correct?

[Sneaky inspector music begins.]

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Yes, exactly. That is my name, Angelina Lexington. I’m Inspector Cecilos. I am from the Kingdom of Ancuan which you are an amazing treasurer at by the way. I’ve recently been into retirement but was called out by my good companions who I met at the Prodigious. That was an airship that they collapsed, but that was very good. It was a rotten airship after all. It was full of confined spaces, and confined spaces like that are likely to breed crime, much like this confined space here, of course. Oh… not to say that any of us would do crimes.

Ari (as A.Lex)

I don't know the laws of this place yet, but I don't think they will consider saving the world a crime. Right? Right? That’s the only crime that we will do today.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as L’Adrien)

Oh, you’d be surprised what’s considered a crime when a villain does it.

Kyle

And L’Adrien, or The Butterfly, complete in their purple majestic garb, is just sitting there suspiciously looking in the corner. Not doing anything. They’re not doing anything, they’re just waiting to be helpful, but they’re trying to be suspicious. They do the finger twirl, but they’re only doing it with one hand because they don’t want to let go of the cane that they have in the other hand.

[Music ends.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

I very much like your style. Keep it up. Everybody just do what they do, what L’Adrien does over there.

Kyle (as Joe)

Yes. Heroes or villains, it nothin’ much matter if we save everyone. That’s what I, Hopper Scotch, believe.

Kyle

Over in the corner, A.Lex, you see… it looks a lot like that guy that picked you all up, the one that was angry but really weird about it, except he’s much more chiseled. He’s got this nice chiseled physique and he just looks at you and gives you a very charming thumbs up. This is Joe the shapeshifter.

Now, when I first made Joe it was meant to be a reference or making fun of the shapeshifting reptilian people control the world theory. I’ve since learned that—tracing to the origins of that to now—that is actually an extremely antisemitic theory, and so I’m not even really comfortable poking fun at it just because of its strong ties to that.

That means that while Joe can shapeshift he will never be in a lizard form. His default form will be the only shapeshifting we’ve seen him as which is Hotter Scotch, the sexy chiseled Hopper Scotch.

Hallie

I can’t believe the world has done me like this.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Now feels as good a time as any to explain the group that A.Lex is in. I originally called her team the Loud Diplomats. I’m going to amend that to Team Fear.

[Fun, funky music begins.]

We’ve got L’Adrien, or the Butterfly, the villain; Inspector Cecilos; CK Jarvis, the robot who studies phobias, his mic-like mouth was what A.Lex was speaking into the entire time when she gave the speech; Reference Section, that is all the servers, that is the old, really respected person in the Weal; Joe, of course, who strikes fear into the heart of Hallie; and then finally Ein and Stein.

[Music ends.]

Ari

I just want to say a quick response to Joe-per—or not to Joe-per, to Joe. [Laughs.]

Hallie

[Laughing, pained.] God, don’t make this a thing.

Kyle

You can call him Joe-per. Why not?! That’s what he is now!

Hallie

No, you can’t! You can’t. It’s illegal! You’ll go to jail.

Kyle

Joe-per, the Hotter Scotch.

Olivia

[Laughs.] You’ll go to jail, ten years.

Ari

I will call him Joe-per for the remainder of this. A.Lex’s reaction to Joe-per, since I assume that Joe has only introduced himself as Hopper Scotch—

Kyle

[Delighted.] He definitely has.

Ari

She will be like:

Ari (as A.Lex)

Oh wow, I guess the adrenaline of this whole thing is making me see things a little bit different, or maybe it’s just you. You know, maybe you just glow a little bit better in the light of battle. But no matter, I’m glad to have you on my team, especially because you will probably be able to guide us more as to what the potential weaknesses of these things are and whatnot. So, I’m glad to have you on the team, Hopper.

Kyle

Hopper Scotch…

Hallie

[As a groan.] No.

Kyle

…gives you a thumbs up and says:

Kyle (as Joe)

Righty-o, dude.

Hallie

[As a groan.] No.

Kyle (as Ein)

Are we—

[Exhales.] Stein, are you sure that is Hopper Scotch? He doesn’t seem to have the same voice or mannerisms.

[00:25:00]

Kyle (as Stein)

[Indignant robotic quacking.]

Kyle

And you hear some sounds from Ein’s suit, from Stein, and she responds.

Kyle (as Ein)

Well, okay Stein, but I don’t see what his attractiveness has to do with anything.

Kyle (as CK)

Well, it has to do everything, my dear, dear friend.

Kyle

CK buzzes in and just slaps Ein on the shoulder before pointing to Reference Section.

Kyle (as CK)

In fact, Reference Section, I know you are a cavalcade of information. Please note down this man’s new attractiveness. I think it must be noted down just how much improvement one person can have.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Reference Section)

We will happily do so. We are very interested in humans and the fact that they can so quickly and so organically change their appearance to be more appealing to others is the exact kind of reason why we are so excited that you are all here.

Olivia

[Chuckles uneasily.]

Hallie

God…

Ari (as A.Lex)

Well, it is the adrenaline of battle, that would do wonders to people, and everybody should follow his example on getting so ready for this battle that their appearance changes into something more attractive than their usual self.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

I will say, I haven’t seen you all before. I assume you all probably don’t realize it but look even more attractive right now than before this battle, and that’s okay. That’s the sentiment that we’re aiming to have in this prep.

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Well my husband says I am the most attractive man in all of Ancuan, so I don't know how that could be improved, but I suppose we are outside of Ancuan. I will put on my war mustache.

Hallie

[Pained laugh.]

Kyle

And Cecilos takes his blonde mustache, rips it off, and puts on an angry red mustache instead.

Ari (as A.Lex)

I will tell you, sir, that your husband would probably find you 100% times more attractive with that mustache, even though he already finds you attractive. So, keep up that. I like it, very red, very fitting.

Kyle

Cecilos’s cheeks blush to match the red of his mustache.

Ari (as A.Lex)

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect sentiment. Also, I need to get acquainted with all of my team here. So, what did you said your name was? Is it Ein? Right? And this little fella here is Stein? Also, by the way, really nice astronaut suit you have there. It looks very good.

Kyle

[Laughing.] We were talking about how hot everyone is.

Kyle (as Ein)

Yes, I am Ein, and this

[Forcefully.] very polite…

Kyle (as Stein)

[Squawking grumbles.]

Kyle (as Ein)

…AI here is Stein.

Ari (as A.Lex)

Nice to meet you. I hope you’re also prepared for battle. It looks like you really are.

Kyle (as CK)

Oh, they’re fearsome warriors, almost the most fierce in our family.

Kyle

CK gets closer to you.

Kyle (as CK)

You would be terrified to learn about what they can do.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Can I assume that A.Lex has heard or knows before this scene that CK does phobia stuff?

Kyle

Yeah. It’s assumed you’ve all talked to each other a little bit.

Ari

Okay. Just in case, she’s gonna be like:

[In the Hall of the Mountain King Begins.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

And speaking of terrifying, after this battle is done I have the perfect individual that you can work some phobias about. I have a list here of some of her most prominent phobias. The first one is phobia to admit that A.Lex—which is me—is right, because that is quite a phobia of her. The second one is phobia of Snapoas. She just has a phobia of admitting that they are correct, so if you can expose her to more of that, that would be fine.

The third one would be a phobia of commitment, because you see I keep trying to give her this ring and she keeps just avoiding it and trying to say “oh you know what, I’m gonna give it first to you before you can give it to me,” and then we kind of have this little banter here and I think it’s just a phobia of commitment or phobia of me doing it first before her. So really, if you could help me with those three things…

[Music escalates and ends abruptly.]

I can point her out to you after this is done. You and I would make a great team about this.

Kyle

So CK was very, very excited at first when you said phobias, but as the list went on you could swear you saw his robot eyes bug out even further, and when you finish the list, CK, for the first time in his life, is afraid.

Ari & Hallie

Oh… [Laughs.]

Kyle

As CK dies trying to figure out how to navigate whatever the fuck A.Lex and Madeline have going on, we’re gonna move out onto Powerstand Street. It’s normally just a street that’s facing the sea. It’s got a bunch of shops, not for buying and selling, but that’s not really important now because nobody’s populating them. You’ve got some machines going in, picking up their belongings, putting them back to their homes, you know, getting ready for the impending attack.

But really, it’s just you, these empty shops, and then these barricades that were artificially put up by Xoc because Tom really, really wanted to use his ability, but he can’t stop me now from just saying they’re chest-high walls.

[00:30:00]

It’s a bunch of chest-high walls like it’s fucking Gears of War.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

This gruff man in a mustache is suiting up in this harness with capsules on the side, and Don just, as he’s trying to re-clamp the Gendarme vest on him, Don says, with a smile of all things:

Kyle (as Don)

I didn’t think I’d be wearing one of these things again. Funny the kind of stuff you’ll do for reckless folk.

Kyle

Eraf, this is where you are, by the way.

Cassidy

Yeah…

[Laughter.]

She’s currently thumbing through one of her books going over last minute research to see what she can squirrel away for the last couple minutes and she just kind of absent-mindedly:

Cassidy (as Eraf)

[Distant, distracted.] Mm-hmm. Yeah, mm-hmm. Uh… yeah. Sorry, did you need help with anything?

Kyle (as Don)

Well yes, I could get help with many things. I could get help with dealing with this livestock.

Kyle

And a bunch of little blood barms just (gobble) around past him being chased by Gabby in her wraith clothes and the scythe.

Kyle (as Gabby)

Get back here! Get on back here! We gotta get ready for the war. You gotta all get back here.

Cassidy

[Grinning.] I hated that as soon as I read those things.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[Gobbles.]

Kyle (as Don)

You can explain what the hell that is.

Kyle

And the robotic Centaur-taur just continues cartwheeling around the space before stopping and punching all of their hooves out to get ready for the battle.

Cassidy

I hated seeing that picture, too.

Kyle (as Don)

Or you could… help me with the vest.

Kyle

And he points to the vest which he’s struggling to clip because he has eaten well for the first time in a long time.

Cassidy

[Chuckles.]

Olivia

Aw.

Kyle

And is actually, like, he’s gotten more muscles and fat because he has nutrition to do that now.

Cassidy

Taking care of himself again. Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, he’s taking care of himself.

Cassidy

Yeah, Eraf will definitely slam her book shut at that point. She will turn over and do her best to fiddle with and hopefully secure the vest to him. She’s extremely distracted and maybe a little bit more distressed than she’s ever really been.

Kyle (as Don)

Not used to situations like this?

Cassidy (as Eraf)

I’ve been in combat before, just not to this scale and not with these stakes.

Kyle (as Don)

Yeah, I can feel that.

Kyle

He leans back and points to his suit.

[Thoughtful harp music plays.]

Kyle (as Don)

This gear here didn’t have a good past, or present if you’re still unfortunate enough to be in Charmonde. Back then, fighting nothing with all the power in the world, and for what? To help the queen keep more power? Ugh. Certainly glad to keep that life behind even if now I actually fight real danger.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

I understand. I put away criminals in my past and now I seek peace with people I’m close with.

Cassidy

And she definitely looks off into the distance with that thousand-yard stare at this point.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

People I got close with and never expected to.

Cassidy

She’s obviously terrified of losing them, so…

[Laughs.] She just doesn’t know how to deal with it. But at this point she’ll kind of snap herself out of it.

[Music ends.]

Cassidy (as Eraf)

How is everyone else getting together? Are they prepared?

Cassidy

She goes into general mode and takes stock of everybody else. What is everybody else doing besides chasing the blood barms? Gosh, ugh.

Kyle

Yeah, so your group was originally Team Buzzkill but I swapped it around.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Rude.

[Silly oboe music begins.]

Kyle

So you have Don, you have Gabby and the blood barms, the Centaur-taur. Jesse, Everett and their little thimble, Viola, they’re getting ready for something. They seem to be talking to somebody over in the corner. There’s June who is outside of her RV. She’s just doing squats, and bending her muscles, and you can hear just popping of all of her bones as she’s ready to just be a death ball.

[Music ends.]

Emily

Okay! I feel like this is a personal attack against Elee.

[Laughter.]

I feel like this is very… this is a personal description.

Kyle

And she just does a—

Kyle (as June)

[Grunts and shouts in increasing volume and intensity.]

Kyle

Practicing her war cry.

[Laughter.]

Which actually startles more of the blood barms who just (gobble) out further into other directions.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Oh, I hate them.

Kyle

A blood barm actually does hit a wall.

[Gobbles.] Its sacks pop and like 50 different tiny blood barms come out of them and they have little [Tiny gobbles.]

[Laughter and sounds of disgust.]

Cassidy

Oh gosh…

Kyle

And your final member appears a few seconds after Don looks at you and says:

Kyle (as Don)

Hey, do I… do I know you from somewhere?

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Could have crossed paths before? I’ve been around.

Kyle (as Don)

Because just the way you speak about this stuff, it sounds very familiar.

[00:35:00]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Q-BO search SFX.]

Cassidy

Oh no.

[Silly, staccato music plays.]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

Eraf Xindal, Contextualizer for JET.CO, Year Y-7 to Y-5.

[Beep-boop.] Contextualizers provide an important role for JET.CO. They search out those who act against JET.CO’s interests who JET.CO brands “dangerous.” They then take the certified JET.CO brand pipette at which point they store information from those dangerous dissidents for further analysis by JET.CO.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

The knowledge of which is uploaded into the database which is how I know about it.

[Beep-boop.] Hi! My name is The Incalculable Quorum of Beneficial Outputs, but you can call me Q-BO!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And this little robot ball, just happy as can all be, rolls up to you, Eraf.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Eraf’s eyes are like glazed over as she just…

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Uh… Q-BO, good to meet you.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] It is good to meet you too. However Eraf, I do need your assistance in updating my relationship matrix.

[Beep-boop.] Who was that person you were talking about earlier that you’re romantically interested in?

Cassidy

Geez. [Laughs.]

Kyle

And we’re gonna cut away there!

Olivia

Huh? HUH?!

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Perfect. Perfect!

Olivia

Two thumbs up.

Kyle

And we cut away as Eraf’s soul leaves her body.

Cassidy

She just got destroyed.

Olivia

Huh? Hmm?

Kyle

We’re not actually going to leave yet. We’re gonna linger and we’re gonna see Jesse and Everett talking to Soe who has Thimble nestled up against her cheek.

Kyle (as Jesse)

So uh, did you get it all ready?

Kyle (as Soe)

Yeah, I think I got it all ready. I’m gonna go get Meeghan and we’re gonna hand them out to everybody right now.

Kyle (as Everett)

Uh… o-okay. Are you sure we’re gonna need them? I just… I feel kind of weird using it when they’re not here anymore.

Kyle (as Jesse)

Well you know, it’s one of the things they left behind for us. Like us!

Kyle

And Soe nods, and Everett squeezes Jesse’s hand and nods, and Soe picks up this box of things and runs over and starts handing it out to all of you before racing down to everyone else.

We are gonna end in our final spot. We’re gonna end next to a stash of materials that has been largely removed which is in turn next to a generator. Standing at the foot of this generator a woman has her arms crossed and is looking up saying:

[Peppy swing music begins.]

Kyle (as Rei)

Sera, are you absolutely certain you need to be up there the entire time? I am very anxious.

Kyle (as Sera)

Oh no, mom. No-no, mom, it’s absolutely fine. We fixed this thing up perfectly.

Kyle

Sera Brackleberry, who is on the recently discontinued but more recently continued, elevator next to the generator, just slaps it with her arm and you can see the whole thing just shake violently. All the little qwhales that were resting on it flutter up for a second in fear before resting back down on it, causing it to go at a steep incline because they’re still whales, they’re pretty heavy. Rei’s face just gets whiter as she looks up at her daughter.

Hallie

Ness, below the elevator, has been patrolling back and forth tin soldier style doing a little about face and then going back and forth with his small folding chair against his shoulder like a bayonet. He’ll look up at Sera on the elevator.

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Ness)

I like your gumption, kid!

Kyle

She just does finger guns at you which Chitters takes as a sign to jump on you because she’s pointing at you. He just jumps, flies down, gets on top of you and just (whistles), starts scuttering all around.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Stammering.] What? W-W-What?! What? Why?

Kyle (as Sera)

It means he likes you… kid!

Hallie (as Ness)

Well yeah, everybody likes me. I’m awesome. That’s why I’m the lieutenant. I’m your lieutenant.

Kyle (as Cart)

Yes sir!

[Ambling tuba music begins.]

Kyle

And Cart, the frog centaur, the frogtaur, salutes you with one of his slimy little hands.

Kyle (as Cart)

I will follow your lead, lieutenant!

Hallie (as Ness)

Thank you. It’s nice to get some respect around here.

Kyle (as Cart)

Absolutely. When will it be our turn to be lieutenant?

Hallie (as Ness)

That depends. First off—

Kyle (as Cart)

Because the new Fancy Tom’s Fancy Hats, ever since Tommy Funbuck died, has like a rotating leader thing.

Hallie (as Ness)

Okay, look—

Kyle (as Cart)

So I just wanna know how the power will be shared, because centralized power is really dangerous for a group thing like this.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

He reaches under his newsboy cap and takes out just a few union pamphlets for the new Fancy Tom’s Fancy Hats employee union.

[00:40:00]

Hallie

[Laughs.] Ness will look at Cart with a very puzzled expression.

Hallie (as Ness)

I’m sorry, who the fuck are you?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Jaykell)

He’s tracking his slime all over the place is what he is.

Kyle

And Jaykell scutters around with just little rags cleaning stuff up before eventually realizing—

Kyle (as Jaykell)

Wait a second, this isn’t even my job, and even if it was this is all dirt. Why do I care?

Kyle

And he pockets the things.

Kyle (as Jaykell)

Give me one of those pamphlets. I think Horus could learn a thing or two about equal shares of the power in a relationship.

Kyle (as Cart)

Oh, you want a different brochure for that one.

Kyle

And Cart takes out a pamphlet for a man who formerly went back in time to kill you but now instead of being an assassin he goes back in time and fixes your relationship. It’s an alternative kind of therapy.

Hallie

[Laughing.] He’s changed so much.

Kyle

[Laughing.] This man we’ve never met. We don’t even know his name.

Hallie

[Laughing.] We don’t even know his name but I’m so happy for him!

Olivia

Yeah, wow, he really turned it around.

Hallie

Like, good for him!

Hallie (as Ness)

Alright. Alright. Let’s get back on track. I’m the lieutenant for the foreseeable future because…

Hallie

Ness collects himself, stands up marginally straighter, and says:

Hallie (as Ness)

I have battlefield experience.

Kyle

And that battlefield experience has gotten you up to a Tier 3 PC!

Hallie

[Claps.] Yeah! That’s right! This is Ness’s first PC episode!

Kyle

We’ll share the whole character sheet in the notes, but Hallie, do you wanna give us kind of… What’s Ness’s character sentence? What’s some cool things about him?

Hallie

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ness is officially an impulsive glint who fights dirty. All the Fights Dirty examples for that focus in the book were things like wrapping somebody up in curtains or tripping them down the stairs or smack-talking their mom in the middle of battle. These are all things I envision Ness doing, and so Fights Dirty is his focus. It fits even better than I thought it would upon first read. My favorite ability which he gets from Fights Dirty is Eye Gouge.

Olivia

Ha!

Hallie

It does what you think it does.

Kyle

To which I said, these things are glass, they don’t have eyes, but I will let it work.

Olivia

Do they have the ability to see?

Kyle

… You got me there, I guess.

Hallie

[Laughs.] I knew when I was creating—

Olivia

Yeah, so… Sea, See Squad Force. See Force Squad.

[Laughs.] What am I? I know all about seeing.

Hallie

I was really excited about Ness’s abilities and then realized I would be at Kyle’s mercy for many of them. A glint, for anybody who doesn’t know, is like a talky class.

Olivia

Like a bard?

Hallie

A little bit like a bard. It’s like… What was the sentence I really liked in the book? The wheels of society are glints, or something, and I was like yeah, that’s Ness to a T. The backbone of society, that’s him.

He has a lot of distracty talks, like Fast Talk. When speaking to an intelligent creature who can understand you and isn’t hostile I can convince that creature to take a reasonable action on the next round. Reading that now, I think everybody’s going to be hostile, so that’s probably not going to be useful for me.

Kyle

We can say you used it on Cart.

Hallie

I can use it on Cart! But he’s got some fun stuff on here, and then his jetpack and his small folding chair that he got at the end of last episode… so that’s Ness. Oh, his impulsive gives him things but also an inability in any task involving patience, willpower or discipline.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

And Ness is with what originally was the League of Tiny Robots, also known as, like…

Hallie

LOTR, which got confusing.

Olivia

[Giggles.]

Kyle

But since that’s kind of changed now we’re just gonna—It’s Team Ness.

Hallie (as Ness)

Team Ness! That’s why I’m the lieutenant.

Olivia

Lock Ness.

Hallie

Ha!

[Fun music plays.]

Kyle

We’ve seen most of the team so far. You have Sera and Chitters, the qwhales, Jaykell, Rei, Cart—who I asked you some PCs you wanted and you asked for Rei and Cart.

Hallie

[Smiling.] I did ask for Cart.

[Laughs.] I [unintelligable] Ness wouldn’t know what to do with him.

Kyle

You have Soe who is not here right now.  She’s off doing whatever she was talking to Jesse and Everett about. And then finally you have Shauna, and Shauna is pacing back and forth with this jar that she has.

[Music ends.]

She’s moving back and forth, she’s looking at it, putting it up to her eye, tapping it a bit, shaking it. Rei was very alarmed when Shauna got this jar, but it was agreed that she was the best person to have it, because inside of this jar is something that Q-BO picked up in last arc, in One Neon Night. I guess Rockryan and Bee have a lot of them too.

Emily

[Nervous exhale.]

Kyle

We’ll say that Rockryan kept his at home, wherever his home is, because inside of this jar is a spider.

[Someone gasps.]

[00:45:00]

One of the discontinued glass spiders you saw. Q-BO thought it might be helpful to look at, maybe to collaborate with Redd’s Blessing, and it definitely was, but Shauna still seems really interested in it.

Hallie

Ness will notice the spider but he doesn’t like it. He is going to take a step closer and then just moves his little booted foot back.

Hallie (as Ness)

Whatcha got there?

Kyle (as Shauna)

Well, my young lieutenant, what we’ve got is one of those Apocrita spiders. It’s very, very interesting. We used it to fix together Redd’s Blessing, it has a lot of stuff with it which is really neat, but what has me wondering is why it hasn’t linked up to the cloud yet.

Hallie (as Ness)

Is that something it’s supposed to do?

Kyle (as Shauna)

Well yes. Normally they link up to the cloud, right? And our barrier is supposed to stop things from coming in from being connected to the cloud. So, I theorize it’s not that the barrier stops things from coming in but whatever is inside of the barrier has some sort of energy that is stopping things from being connected to the cloud. All around us, it’s probably all of you right now.

Hallie (as Ness)

So we’re already doing our jobs?

Kyle (as Shauna)

Yeah. Well, the generator is doing its job, obviously, but we all helped with that.

Hallie (as Ness)

Okay. Okay. Okay. So this is, this is… Like, pretend—I know everything, but pretend like I don’t for like a second. This is good?

Kyle (as Shauna)

Yes, this is very, very good. This means that any part of the Apocrita inside of here can’t—Oh look, it moved.

[Threatning ambient music begins.]

Kyle

Inside of the jar you can see the legs of the spider start to slowly curl.

Hallie (as Ness)

What’s it doing? Somebody, a nerd, some nerd explain it to me.

Kyle (as Shauna)

Oh, well I’m a lover of science, so I guess I can explain it. What this means is—

Kyle (as Sera)

Ah shit! I think the barrier is starting to lose that Redd’s Blessing artifact. I think it’s starting to run out.

Kyle

And sure enough you can see that the light on the barrier is starting to fade. The barrier is still there, but, as things go through, that light that ignites is less fierce each and every time.

Hallie

Ness is furrowing his little eyes and he’ll readjust the ascot war band that is tied around his forehead.

Kyle (as Rei)

How much time do you think we have, Sera?

Kyle (as Sera)

Well I’d, uh… I’d say we should probably start getting ready soon.

[Running SFX.]

Kyle (as Soe)

I’m here! I’m here!

Kyle

And Soe comes in with a box, just—

Kyle (as Soe)

[Breathing heavily.] I… I’m here. I made it.

Kyle

And she kind of reads everyone’s faces.

Kyle (as Soe)

It’s almost time, isn’t it?

Kyle

Rei turns over. She’s fiddling with the buttons on her coat a little bit.

Kyle (as Rei)

Yes… I think it is.

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh! Well then… I guess it’s time we put on all of these.

Kyle

And Soe opens a box full of supplies she has given to every other group, and inside of it are little pins with two Ms on them. The bottom one looks like a mustache for the top one.

Kyle (as Soe)

I’ve been working on these for a while. The Mauve & Mako pins, they should help us stay in touch with everyone else if we… It helps everyone stay in touch.

Kyle

She hands them out to each of you including one to you, Ness.

Hallie

Ness will take it, and in an uncharacteristically sober fashion he’ll fiddle with it and then he’ll be like:

Hallie (as Ness)

You did a good job on these. These are really cool.

Kyle

As you put on your pin, Ness, and everyone throughout the Weal puts theirs on, a pair of voices speak to everyone.

Kyle (as Jesse)

Hey, hey everyone. This is me… Jesse. Jesse, sorry. I don’t think I got to talk to all of you. And this is Everett.

[Hushed.] Everett, you gotta say something.

Kyle (as Everett)

Oh, uh… hi. Hi everyone.

Kyle (as Jesse)

We just wanted to talk before the… the thing, you know. We don’t do speeches or stuff like that normally, but uh…

[Music shifts to inspirational speech music.]

We hope the pins are working well for all of you. They… They came from very important people, two very, very important people, and that cloud thinks that it can keep them alive forever. But it can’t. The pins, us here, that’s what keeps them alive. So for them it’s very important that we make sure we stick around for them. That was it. Just wanted to tell everyone to try their hardest, to do their best.

Kyle

Before the last of the fierce lights finishes, Everett adds one last comment.

Kyle (as Everett)

And everyone don’t forget to do the RSVPs for the concert tomorrow. Um… I expect everyone to be there.

[00:50:00]

Kyle

And there’s a calm as the fighting lights of the barrier finally stop, leaving behind the basic barrier but stopping Redd’s Blessing from keeping the soldiers out.

[Music ends.]

And then, the silence is drowned out by a fierce hail, and I need everyone to roll initiative.

[Raining SFX carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Hello and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, Episode 79: The Obsidian Cloud, Part 6. I am Kyle, your GM, and our intro and outro songs are Friends and Hitoshio, both by Miracle of Sound.

We’ve got a pretty short announcement break for you today and then we’ll get right back into the thick of the action, but I wanted to remind anyone who hasn’t participated in it yet to please check out the description to this episode and submit your answers for our end of campaign survey. This survey gives us invaluable information about the folks who listen to our show and what things they enjoy.

Every field is completely optional, and as a thank you for filling out this survey not only will you have a spot where you can fill out a Q&A question for our end of campaign Q&A but you’ll also be able to listen to the first couple of episodes of Season 2 early. I mean, when they’re still done being made, so it’s a ways out but it will be sooner than it’s officially coming out.

The survey will be open until 11:59 PM Central Time on Friday, September 24, but don’t take that as a sign to wait. If you can fill it out now, we’d really appreciate it if you could.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode will be releasing on Monday, August 30, but if you’d like additional content before then you can find stories, artwork, and behind the scenes insights at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Raining SFX carries out of the announcements.]

Olivia

[Excited restrained shouting.] Oh my goodness.

Hallie

Ness is trained in initiative.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Olivia

[Rolls, frustrated.] Oh, F!

Cassidy

[Rolls.] I got a rockin’ 18.

Hallie

Ooh!

Ari

[Rolls.] Seventeen.

Olivia

Hannelore habt 9.

Emily

[Rolls.] Eight.

Kyle

And then Hallie, what are you?

Hallie

[Rolls.] Ness’s very first roll was a 20, everybody.

[Assorted excited sounds.]

Olivia

Start off strong, bro!

Hallie

Yeah! Looking good for Ness! Thank you.

Cassidy

You better switch from Hop to Ness.

Hallie

Fuckin’… [Silly gibberish.]

Why would you say that? [Laughs.]

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So the order is Ness, Eraf, A.Lex, Hannelore, Ig.

[Forboding, rising terror music begins.]

Ness, from up by the generator that’s near the top of the Weal, so you can see this hailstorm of obsidian soldiers falling, most of them those Pryliman robots, but some of them look like people from Obsidian Bay, from Rhubarb, from when the Apocrita first attacked many years ago. They fall on the beaches. They fall on top of the city hall. They fall all over, and for a second they aren’t by you, but you can hear their footsteps marching forward.

As they’re getting closer, everyone gets into position. Sera turns over from the generator and preps this little axe-throwing arm on her wheelchair. Shauna sets the glass spider down, the little jar, and gets into her ball form. Rei takes this gavel which you’ve never seen her have before and stretches it out to this long sword length. Even the qwhales seem ready for war. And, after a few seconds, the mob comes. What’s the first thing Ness does?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Well, perhaps luckily for Ness he is not able to recognize anybody from Strawberry or Rhubarb. Strawberry? That’s a town in Red Dead Redemption.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Hallie

From Rhubarb, or from any time before the Prodigious, because Xoc doesn’t tell him anything. That’s a lie, Xoc probably has, but still. If there are any familiar faces in the crowd, he doesn’t know them or he just doesn’t care. So he is gonna, like, he’s psyching himself up. He jogs in place for like a second and he’s doing the (quick puffed) breathing you do before a football game, and then he’s like:

Hallie (as Ness)

Regionals!

Hallie

And then he’s just gonna run into the fray. He’s gonna do it. He’s impulsive. He’s gonna run into the fray with his little chair.

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll. What are you gonna do?

[00:55:00]

[Action music begins.]

Hallie

I wanna whack as many as I can.

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll to whack as many as you can.

Hallie

Alright. Alright. This is my second roll as PC Ness.

[Rolls.] I got 6.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle

A 6?

Hallie

I got 6, so we’re right back to standard Hallie for the rest of this.

Kyle

You pull out the folding chair and you remember what Elee told you, her deep advice, which was “whack them as hard as you can.”

Hallie

Yeah! That’s probably what she told me.

Kyle

And you do, and you hit one, and the chair just (boing), reverberates against it for a bit. Obsidian is a pretty weak glass. You underestimated how sturdy these things are.

Hallie

Well Ness is the strongest creature in existence, so can you blame him?

Kyle

One of the soldiers turns to look at you and it reaches its arm back and goes down to hit you, but as it does you just hear a—

Kyle (as Shauna)

Oops. Sorry. Oh, oh, no. I didn’t mean to get there. Oh, sorry!

Kyle (as Jaykell)

Oh come now, Shauna, at least be virtuous and hardy with your war cries!

Kyle

And Shauna, as a ball, with Jaykell running atop her, just slam into that soldier knocking it and five ones behind it down like a bowling pin.

Olivia

[Giggles.]

Hallie

That’s so cute!

Kyle

And you’re able to take another swing at somebody.

Hallie

[Smiling.] Ten out of ten.

Olivia

Wow~

Hallie

So should I roll again to do that?

Kyle

Yeah.

Olivia

Come on, bud.

Hallie

Okay. Have they weakened, dazed, or stunned any other ones in my immediate vicinity?

Kyle

Yeah, they’ve ran some over by a bowling pin. There’s like a handful in front of you.

Hallie

Yeah! With Taking Advantage, any attacks against that foe are decreased by 1 step. It’s—It’s… You know what, disregard that. I wanna use Eye Gouge.

Olivia

Hell yeah!

Hallie

I’m just gonna fucking use Eye Gouge, because I really wanna do it. I wanna make an attack against a creature with an eye, and I’m gonna argue obsidian soldiers have eyes because you said they looked like people.

Kyle

They have like kind of mannequin eyes, but there was a species that was taken over by the Apocrita that’s just big freaking eye as their head, so it’s just a humanoid body and then just a big eye as the head.

Hallie

I’m gonna gouge it. Here I go.

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll to gouge.

Hallie

And I’m using 1 level of Effort for this.

[Rolls.] Eight.

Kyle

You jump up to gouge the eyes, and you—How do you eye gouge? What’s your approach?

Hallie

Ness is gonna clamber up the body and then he’s gonna do it from behind, so he would swing behind the person and then just thrust his little claw hand into the eye from the shoulder of the thing.

Kyle

You thrust to do that, but you’re used to smaller heads, so your arms just get to the sides of this giant eye head but can’t get to the front.

Hallie

[Laughing.] No!

Kyle

You severely underestimated.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

And it reaches back to grab you. Roll me defense. Roll me Speed defense.

Hallie

Okay. I’m going back to Taking Advantage. Everything should be easier for me.

[Rolls.] This is my defense roll. It’s a 7.

Ari

Oh no.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

So we are just really waffling in this area between 6 and 8. I’m so happy that my 20 was wasted on initiative, the worst skill to have. I don't care what anybody tries to tell me. God!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

It reaches back and in fact it turns its body backwards, because the head can just rotate, you’ve now learned for the species.

Hallie

Oh good.

Kyle

And picks you up to grab you.

Hallie

No.

Kyle

And then suddenly you just drop like two feet, still held by it, and the eye looks down and sees that the bottom of its torso is missing. I need you to roll Speed defense again.

[Evil threatening action music begins.]

Hallie

[Rolls.] Sixteen.

Kyle

You turn back to see what the eye is looking at and you can see this thing in the distance just (whoosh, whoosh, whoosh), rotating around like freaking Thor’s hammer and it starts flying back at you.

Hallie (as Ness)

Ah!

Hallie

And he’ll do that cartoon jump where like because you’re so surprised you suddenly leap four feet into the air, so he’ll leap over the thing as it goes past him.

Kyle

As you leap over, the thing comes to a stop and you just hear Soe say:

[Music ends abruptly.]

Kyle (as Soe)

Oh! I’m so sorry, Ness. I’ll be more careful next time.

[Music resumes, but now it’s heroic and inspirational.]

Kyle

And you can see that she’s standing atop of her hover board which has dact tape all over it, fixing it from the fall off of the Prodigious.

Hallie

God bless.

Kyle

And just shards of glass from this series of soldiers she just cleaved in half with it.

Hallie

God!

Kyle (as Soe)

Alright! I’m gonna go take care of the rest of them.

Kyle

And she flies off toward the rest of them.

Yeah, so you aren’t rolling too well, but it seems like the NPCs are doing pretty well against the soldiers.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Good for them. Yeah… good. Good, yeah good, congrats to everybody else.

Olivia

[Giggles.]

Kyle

But then you hear an explosion of glass, just a (burst, slurp). It sounds like an explosion and then implosion. And then another explosion then implosion from the distance.

Hallie

I’m looking that way.

Kyle

As you’re kind of looking forward the soldiers around you just shatter as another explosion happens and an implosion occurs. Actually, roll Speed defense against this one.

[01:00:00]

Hallie

[Rolls.] I got 6. Oh wait, it might be a 9?

Kyle

In either case, now is when you take damage. Take 4 damage.

Hallie

I gotta switch dice. This is…

[Evil rising music begins.]

Kyle

Because I thought about it, and I thought doing hoard mechanics could be fun, but you’ve got a bunch of NPCs. They can handle the hoard. You all have something more important to focus on.

Ness, you are knocked back by this explosion and you can see, all around you, shards of glass extend outwards before freezing in place and flying back into a simplistic form hovering in front of you.

Hallie

No. No.

Kyle

The form of a floating bucket.

Hallie

No!

Ari

[As a groan.] Aww…

Hallie

I don’t wanna fight the bucket! I don’t wanna fight the bucket! I don’t wanna fight Tready!

[Whining.] I don’t wanna fight Tready! No…

Kyle

Because each group has their own lieutenant, and the lieutenant you’re going to fight is Obsidian Tready.

Ari

Oh…

Hallie

[Whining.] No…

Olivia

Oh, gosh!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Eraf, you are in Powerstand Street. You are just a bit away from Ness actually, so you got the brunt of the soldiers and they are all going in. Don is deftly handling it. The Gendarme suit lets him shoot around like Spiderman, so he shoots at the top and just kind of wrecking balls his way through a couple of them before shooting out another one and propelling himself towards it to knock it down. This man is very deft with these suits that the Queen of Charmonde never let him use.

Gabriella has finally gotten the blood barms to calm down but now they’ve panicked again. But this is a good thing. She’s just kind of letting them run loose as they’re (gobbling, bursting).

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Soldiers will just punch them in their nonexistent faces, and after they do the sacks pop and the little tiny blood barms just crawl up the arm of the soldiers…

Cassidy

Ugh, it’s a blood bath.

Kyle

…and get into the vine innards, and just, from the inside out, you just hear (frantic gobbling) as the things are ripped apart from the inside. [Laughs.]

Cassidy

Do these blood barms like exponentially explode? Do the chicks also have cysts that explode?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

They do now. They do now!

Cassidy

So they’re just a constant, like…

Olivia

Ugh!

Emily

Little nano blood barms!

Kyle

In fact, you see one soldier just (thud, thud, thud), pounding them into dust, and then the microbes get up into its head which just (burst), explodes.

Cassidy

[Laughing.] I hate it.

Kyle

And I need you to roll Perception.

Cassidy

Roll Perception? Alright.

Olivia

You just won’t see this, if you roll badly enough. None of that. You get to go back to a time where you didn’t experience that.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

No, she’ll only see this.

Olivia

Oh no!

Cassidy

[Laughs.] I got 15.

Kyle

Alright, you rolled a 15?

Cassidy

Yeah.

Kyle

Roll me Speed defense.

Cassidy

[Rolls.] Oh, I got a 7. I see good. I don’t move good.

Kyle

Jesse and Everett are really excited. They’re like “yeah!” Everett has out a freaking ladle and he’s just whacking soldiers with his cooking ladle.

[Scary sting and metallic sword SFX.]

But his eyes widen in horror as we just hear a SHING, and Eraf, you take 8 points of damage.

Cassidy

[Exhales.] That hurt.

Hallie

That’s a lot!

Cassidy

Can I transfer that to my shadow using my ability?

Kyle

Would you have pulled out your shadow at this point?

Cassidy

Yeah, as soon as she knew something was up.

Kyle

Yeah. Alright, Eraf has a shadow—So yeah, yeah, your shadow gets that damage.

Cassidy

Her Superior Duplicate for the Numenera nerds.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Her Peter Pan shadow for the cool people.

Kyle

It’s just a naked Peter Pan shadow.

Cassidy

It’s a naked Peter Pan.

Kyle

I hate that naked is a detail that—

Cassidy

It’s a little bit creepy. So that cost her 2 Might to cast, but it has 15 health, so she can give her shadow… I think—Could she split it between the two? Eh, she’s just gonna give all 8 damage to the shadow, because she can’t go down this early.

Kyle

The shadow’s just like UGH!

Cassidy

But silently.

Olivia

Yeah, the shadow never speaks, it only, like… [Presumably makes visual gestures on camera.]

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Everett’s eyes and his mouth kind of waver.

Kyle (as Everett)

[Mumbling.] No, no-no-no. No… Mom?

[Nightmare ambience begins.]

Kyle

And you turn over and you can see a young vested woman who has skewered her rapier into you. This is Obsidian Mauve, and as soon as you look at her she jumps back and prepares her sword for battle.

Cassidy

Good.

Kyle

We’re gonna let you go with this one for a little bit. What do you want to do?

[Music ends.]

Cassidy

The first thing she does is mutter.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

[Pained.] Fuck me.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Looking at Everett, not at her injury, because she’s like, crap…

So, I want to use Push to try to push her further away into the ranks of some of the glass soldiers and maybe make them all collide and explode and… you know.

Kyle

Alright. What does Push do?

Cassidy

You push a creature or object in any direction. You must be able to see the target. It’s quick, too crude to be manipulated. It’s not like a magic hand that I can use to push things discretely, it’s just sort of a (boof).

[01:05:00]

Kyle

Do you want any particular NPC to help you? Otherwise, by default, I will have them give you an asset on all rolls.

Cassidy

Um… anybody but Everett.

[Laughs.] He needs to stay away.

Kyle

Yeah. So you go to do the Push. Give me a roll.

Cassidy

[Rolls.] Yeah… I rolled a 12.

Olivia

[Sharp inhale.]

Cassidy

Before I decided to use Effort.

Olivia

I’m scared.

[Threatening, understated action music begins.]

Kyle

You go to push her. She just plants her feet down. You hear just a (scraping), just a screeching as this figure digs in even further. She pulls out her rapier and she lunges at you. Roll Speed defense.

Cassidy

Ready to get murdered again.

Olivia

No!

Hallie

God, no.

Cassidy

[Rolls.] That’s a 5!

Olivia

God!

Hallie

Eraf, no! God! Why?

Cassidy

[Laughs, exhales.]

Kyle

The sword stabs you in the shoulder for 8 points of damage, but…

[Rolls.] …as she does, and she gets ready to lunge out again, the obsidian face just kind of shakes a little bit and the bones from June creek as she gets decked in the face for 4 points of damage by June who just cannonballs into her and then rolls over onto the other side and just keeps running off to more soldiers.

So something that’s going to happen is that characters will give you an asset sometimes. I will also just sometimes independently roll for them to see do NPCs help you out, do they not.

Cassidy

Right.

Kyle

And June rolled very well.

Cassidy

Good.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Alright, it is your action.

Cassidy

[Exhales.] This is where Eraf’s gonna go…

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Well… shit.

Cassidy

[Laughs.] …and change tactics a little bit. Phew, okay. We’re gonna try using Stasis.

Olivia

Ooh!

Cassidy

You surround your foe of your size or smaller with scintillating energy keeping it from moving or acting for 1 minute as if frozen solid. While in stasis it’s impervious to harm, can’t be moved, and is immune to all effects.

Kyle

Okay, yeah. You get an asset automatically from June just decking it in the face.

Cassidy

Nice.

Kyle

Because it’s starting to reassemble its face together into Obsidian Mauve.

Olivia

[Uneasy sounds.]

Cassidy

Cool. We’ll do 2 levels of Effort.

Kyle

Plus the asset.

Cassidy

[Rolls.] That’s a 1, so I’m real glad I used all that on that.

Hallie

Oh no!

Olivia

Oh my god.

Cassidy

It’s a perfect use.

Hallie

Eraf, no!

Olivia

Oh my god.

Emily

Good thing Q-BO mentioned something. At least Ig will know.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Cassidy

Yeah, when Eraf’s cold dead body is just laying there.

Hallie

[Pained laugh.] No…

[Ambient tense music begins.]

Kyle

You put the Stasis on for a second and it seems to freeze. You think it works. As it freezes you can hear a few footsteps and some shaking nervous breaking as Everett walks closer to this figure.

Cassidy

[Gritted, hushed.] Jesse, I was counting on you.

Kyle

Jesse is off fighting soldiers. They haven’t seen this yet. Everett walks a little bit closer, a little bit closer…

Cassidy

Can my shadow intervene? Can it, like, just distract him, like push him away? Just… anything? [Nervous chuckle.]

Kyle

Give me a roll. Just a flat roll right now.

Cassidy

Okay.

Olivia

Come on, man.

Cassidy

I’m doing great at those tonight.

[Rolls.] Eleven… Eleven.

Emily

Look, Kyle is not gonna kill Everett… probably.

[Music changes to the howl of the wind.]

Kyle

Everett reaches closer and closer, and you can see Viola, the thimble, is just kind of pulling at the end of his exclamation point hair trying to pull him back.

Hallie

[Emotional.] No…

Kyle

As he’s about to touch the Obsidian Mauve, a sword swings out at him and stabs the shadow which pushed him out of the way, but after taking the 8 points of damage poofs.

Cassidy

Yep, because it’s gone now.

Olivia

[Nervous jittery noises.]

Olivia

Come on, man.

Kyle

A.Lex.

Cassidy

[As a sigh.] Ugh…

[Hail on the roof SFX begins]

Kyle

It is hailing, (thunk, thunk, thunk-thunk-thunk), on top of the city hall. No one is in yet, but what are you doing to prepare yourself?

Ari

Well, I mean, I thought about something and then I realized it might not work, because I forgot that the spiders were actually made of heavy glass. Because my idea was to prepare a bunch of paper airplanes weapons that then people could just launch at the spiders if they ever went in, to at least hold them back a little bit, but if there’s also people heading towards the door I would put a couple people in there, too. Like, I don't know who the chonkiest ones to push the door in like that would be.

[SFX ends.]

Kyle

You know Hotter Scotch, that sexy, sexy man, got so many muscles.

Hallie

No! No. No! No!

Ari

That’s true.

Olivia

Oh… ugh!

Hallie

[Pained, laughing.] No! Why would you say that?! Stop! No!

Olivia

Ugh!

Ari (as A.Lex)

You seemed to get more abs than I noticed previously, so I think you’re pretty strong, so you can go and—

Hallie

[Strained.] What the fuck, guys? [Sob-laughs.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

And hold the door.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Pinched.] Why?!

Kyle

He gives you a thumbs up and walks to the door. I’m gonna say, that paper airplane idea, hold onto that. I’m gonna say you prepped paper airplane traps.

[01:10:00]

Ari

I want everybody else that isn’t Hotter Scotch and maybe CK, who is probably also kind of chonky, everybody else maybe holding one or a couple.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Everyone’s prepped the door. They’re ready. You’re waiting. You’re waiting… Any moment there’s gonna be a (heavy thud), there’s gonna be a big push. But instead… (knocking), there’s a jovial knock instead.

Ari

On the door?

Kyle

Yeah.

Ari

Is there like an eyepiece or something on the door to see if there’s actually somebody or if it’s like a “hey, I am—” [Laughs.]

Kyle

Sure. Yeah. Let’s go—

[Silly music begins.]

You go to do the eyepiece, and you walk up, and there’s just a little humanoid glass soldier just standing there.

Ari (as A.Lex)

No, yeah… that’s not gonna do. Just uh, you know, prep your defenses even more. Barricade stuff.

Kyle

Do you walk away or do you keep looking?

Ari

Oh no, she walks away.

Kyle

Yeah, you walk away. After a few seconds… [Knocking.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

You know, Rule #1 that parents teach their kids and one of the key lessons in one of the Jameson Hopper books is to not open the door for strangers even if they have really nice knocking.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

So, in this case even more, we should not open the door for this little thing, little fella here.

Kyle (as CK)

How do we know they’re a stranger? There are a couple of glass soldiers it sounds like everyone knew. Maybe it’s one of them.

Ari (as A.Lex)

Yes, but we have established that the glass soldiers are not very friendly, so we don’t open the door for strangers or for not friendly individuals.

Kyle

You can see L’Adrien is at the door.

[Music ends.]

Kyle (as L’Adrien)

What on earth is this fiend doing?

Ari (as A.Lex)

I don't know, but we’re not going to let them come in.

Ari

Actually, I might want to do something. I have this ability called Unmovable where I avoid being knocked down, pushed back, or moved against my will as long as I’m upright and able to take actions.

Olivia

Oh! Yes!

Ari

So if I like lean against the door next to Joe-per Scotch…

Hallie

Ha-ha!

Olivia

[Smiling.] This is such an A.Lex ability, too, man.

Kyle

Yeah. You lean against the door with just a THUNK.

Olivia

[Pleasantly, dismissive.] “No.”

Kyle

[Knocking.]

Ari (as A.Lex)

Yeah, no, we’re not… Not happening. Not happening. Everybody keep your paper airplanes at the ready for if something from above follows.

Kyle

Roll me a Perception.

Ari

Alright. I’m specialized at Perception.

[Rolls.] But I rolled an 8, so I don't know how well that goes.

Kyle

Well, these characters actually have really low stats, so you definitely see this.

[Scary ambience that changes into action music begins.]

You see new cracks in the ceiling. One looks like it’s been opened by flame, the other looks like it’s been opened by gun. Skittering on the ceiling, having snuck in while all of you were distracted by Obsidian Marv standing at the doorway, are five very western-looking figures.

Ari

Oh.

Olivia

[Gasps.]

Kyle

The five robot miners from Obsidian Bay fall onto the ground.

Hallie

Ha!

Olivia

[Smiling.] Oh man.

Kyle

Alright.

Olivia

Oh no! What’s gonna happen to me?!

[Music changes to pirate-y action music.]

Kyle

Fayz’s open mouth is flapping in the wind as you are driving from obsidian soldier to obsidian soldier. They’re just rising out of the sea like in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Olivia

[Gasps.] Oh my god!

Kyle

How are you taking care of them from inside of the Red Mary?

Olivia

Okay. I think that the steering column is just like a prow basically, and so I’m all the way in the back so I can swing. I’m just gonna be smacking people over and over again with my wrench, just YAH, YAH, just clearing heads.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Give me a roll for Salad Raptor.

Hallie

[Laughs, screeches.] That’s the sound he’s making.

Olivia

[Rolls, gasps.] That’s a 1…

Hallie

No! Olivia, no!

Kyle

What is Salad Raptor serving to everybody as you’re driving around?

Hallie

Olivia, no!

Olivia

Martinis!

Kyle

The fierce roar of the Speedy Speed Boys around you.

Olivia

So many tall, fragile glasses in his little clawed hands on a beautiful silver tray! Take my eyes, not Salad Raptor!

Kyle

What is Salad Raptor saying as he’s giving things to people, Hallie? I just want you to cut it off with a scream.

Cassidy

These are gonna be his final words, Hallie.

Hallie

[Furious.] No! NO!

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Olivia

That doesn’t make any sense. I’m so upset.

Hallie

[Pinched.] I never thought I would be in the position of having to say Salad Raptor’s final words, so I’m gonna need a…

Olivia

It isn’t! It isn’t. Something else is happening. It’s something else.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

[Smiling.] How peaked is your audio right now, Olivia?

Olivia

I don't know! It’s your fault.

Hallie

[Pinched, resisting laughter.] He’s serving… he’s serving little martinis, and he’s—

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I did not expect this fight to be this fucking brutal.

Olivia

You’re a liar! You’re lying. What are you talking about?

[Laughter.]

Emily

I told you we’re squishy!

Hallie

Salad Raptor’s going around and he’s saying, like, I don't know…

[01:15:00]

Hallie (as Salad Raptor)

Shaken not stirred!

Hallie

[Loses it cry-laughing.]

Kyle

And his scream is because you hear the platter fall dramatically.

[Echoey platter fall SFX leads into over-dramatic tragedy music.]

And next to it you see Salad Raptor’s severed arm…

Olivia

[Screams.]

Hallie

[Sobs.]

Kyle

…with shards of glass next to it that return to their form from the impact, and standing next to a now one-armed Salad Raptor…

[Music changes to action wrestler music.]

…is a large, imposing, muscular figure: Obsidian Sue. She reaches down and picks up the arm in one hand and the platter in the other and starts marching towards you.

Olivia

What a coincidence.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Olivia

I pull back the arm of the Red Mary as if it’s like a parking break.

[Laughs.] The boat comes to a full complete stop.

Kyle

Horus just sets his cane down and just slides forward a foot and then rests back.

Olivia

I’m just gonna clobber the life out of this person.

Kyle

Give me a roll.

Olivia

I would be happy to. Oh, with a different die.

[Exhales, rolls.] Okay, that’s an 18!

Kyle

Okay, that’s an 18. That does—

Olivia

And I wanna do things! I wanna do things to this person. I want to hurt them and teach them a lesson. I wanna use Crush.

Hallie

[Pinched.] “Avenge me~”

Olivia

I wanna use Crush, please!

Kyle

What does Crush do?

Olivia

It’s a powerful pummeling attack with a bashing weapon. I have to grip my weapon with two hands, no problem. I take a -1 penalty to the attack roll and I inflict an additional 3 points of damage.

Kyle

So from an 18 to a 15. Did you put in any Effort?

Olivia

Yeah, definitely. How many Efforts do I have?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Grinning.] You have up to 3 Efforts. You can use them to—

Olivia

I’m using 1 of them!

Kyle

Alright, well you’re very lucky you did. So, it’s your 4 wrench, +2 for rolling an 18, plus the 3, minus her armor. How do you hit Obsidian Sue for 7 damage?

[Dramatic action music begins.]

Olivia

I just bring the wrench up over the back of my head, tears welling in my eyes, and just chop down.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Salad son! Get down! Get under a bench!

Kyle

It just conks in with a fury. You can just see half of the face fly off.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Yeah. Yeah. You made a mistake. You came here to my boat car. You attacked my Salad son. You messed up.

Kyle

But, the glass hits the bottom, it goes near the feet, and it rises up from the side of her face, but doesn’t go back to the face. It goes to her right hand, and the fist which was gonna hit you with the arm instead crunches it, just breaking it in two, and it goes to slam you in the face. Roll me Speed defense.

Olivia

[Gasps, rolls.] Nineteen.

Kyle

How do you dodge it?

[Music ends.]

Olivia

Like absolute eye contact, staring her, unsmiling, in the face, and just move ever-so-slightly to the side.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

You think I can’t make another arm?

[Dramatic action music returns with a swell.]

Kyle

Around you, as this dramatic end of Metal Gear Solid fistfight is happening, the waves spraying, we see in the background the Speedy Speed Boys just (vroom, vroom), running and slamming things. The big-wheeled one, the giant monster truck wheels just (rev) into the ground next to you, spraying water on top of both of you dramatically, as you’re allowed to take another action.

[Music ends.]

Olivia

Oh, you better believe it! Okay, keep it simple.

[Rolls.] I got another 1.

Kyle

How do you go to hit it this time?

Olivia

I was gonna come up from below, so… I don’t. … What happens? Just hurry up.

[Rock music begins.]

Kyle

You go up to below but she’s figured out your move and she grabs your arm and tosses you off of the Red Mary into the water before marching towards the wheel.

[Music ends.]

Olivia

(Splash)!

Cassidy

But you put the brake on, right?

Olivia

[Laughing.] My hand pops up from the water.

[Someone “cheeps.”.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

I already stopped it. Good luck, ya bitch.

Kyle

Alright. We are in the house.

[Thunderstorm and creaking house SFX.]

From inside the Ring of Power you can see Sunny and Mayra, one right next to each other—even though they don’t have to fight back to back, they’re standing back to back, each muttering things, saying, communicating more than they ever have before.

Just like, 

Kyle (as Mayra)

Alright, so we’re gonna go here next and then we’re gonna do this.

Kyle (as Sunny)

“Ooh yes, and then we do this.”

Kyle

They seem to be summoning some sort of cloud of their own which has been shooting out little shards of ice and things, knocking most of the intruders on your doorstep. Rockryan has just been standing by the corner.

Kyle (as Rockryan)

I don’t see why I should care. What’s so interesting about these? They’re not fossils.

Kyle

And Mayra responds.

Kyle (as Mayra)

Well, they’re not fossils, but they are precious artifacts which historically are very similar to fossils… in some ways.

Kyle (as Rockryan)

But they’re  not fossils.

Kyle (as Bee)

But they are like the spiders that I really liked.

[01:20:00]

Kyle

Rockryan sighs.

Kyle (as Rockryan)

Ugh!

Kyle

Pulls out a shovel.

Kyle (as Rockryan)

Fine, but they’re not fossils!

Kyle

And he leaps down into the fray.

[SFX ends.]

Ig, what are you doing while all this fighting is happening?

Emily

Ig has been pumping herself up and giving themself a pep talk?

Emily (as Ig)

[Quietly.] Oh, you got this. You’re gonna do great. You’re gonna use your fire, and you’re gonna… you’re gonna punch them with your fire hand, and you’re gonna be so good.

[Whimsical villain music begins.]

Kyle

As you do the little punch-punch-punch, like fake punching, you hear:

Kyle (as Rockryan)

[Startled shouting.] AAAGH!

Kyle

Rockryan is hit with a punch or something that sends him flying down to the corner of the house as this tall mustached Obsidian soldier turns and faces you. Obsidian Mako lifts up his arm and the glass in the palm starts to rotate as if a laser beam was charging up.

Emily

[Gasps.]

Kyle

What are you gonna do to fight Obsidian Mako?

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Ig)

Um… hello friend. I like your mustache.

Kyle

Roll Speed defense.

[Laughter.]

Emily

[Rolls, shouts excitedly.] I rolled a 19!

[Soberly.] Was that enough?

Kyle

Yeah. How do you dodge it?

[Silly music begins.]

Emily

Ig just dives out of the way gracelessly, landing in a heap and then immediately scrambling up and flourishing a little bit.

Emily (as Ig)

[Chuckles.] Nailed it.

Kyle (as Vespari)

That was a wonderful performance, dear sibling Ig. How dare you, you fiendish… fool.

Emily (as Ig)

You get him!

Kyle

Yeah, Vespari will take an attack.

[Rolls.] Oh, and he does well. Vespari claps his hands and dust starts to appear from outside of his sleeves and he sends out a few shards which skewer Obsidian Mako for 4 points of damage.

Emily

Ig clapped during the whole time, but before Mako can recover they are going to use… yeah.

[Making a realization.] Ohh~ Actually…

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Cassidy

I can’t wait to find out.

Emily

Hmm… I assume I would have put up my Shroud of Flame as soon as the fighting started. Is that fine?

Kyle

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.

Emily

Okay.

Kyle

You are on fire.

[Flames whoosh and crackle.]

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

Unit 909 is very upset.

Emily

[Sobbing.] I’m sorry, Unit 909.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

I would like to use my Fiery Hand of Doom.

Kyle

Okay. What’s the Fiery Hand of Doom?

Emily

Basically out of my Shroud of Flame I can make a fist two times the size of my normal hand. It does the damage of a Level 3 creature, but I don’t actually know what that is.

Kyle

We’ll just say… What have you done in the past? Do you know?

Emily

[Chuckles.] I haven’t used it, practically. I just wrote graffiti on a school.

Kyle

We’ll just default to medium weapon. We’ll say it does 4 damage.

Hallie

Yeah, she didn’t use it.

Emily

Okay! And then +1 damage with fire.

Kyle

Okay, so 5.

[Silly, staccato music plays.]

Yeah. So, Vespari hits it with the shards and says:

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ig, you should hit where I hit the shards. I think the body is the weak part.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Ig)

[Gasps.] You’re so smart!

Emily

[Laughing.] I’m gonna do it.

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll.

Emily

Wait. Wait. Wait. I want to put in 2 levels of Effort. Yeah…

[Music ends.]

[Rolls.] I got an 11.

Kyle

Yeah, so you go—You’re like “I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna hit the body!” How do you miss anyway?

Olivia

Aww.

Emily

How did I miss?! Aww. I put 2 levels!

Ig just… Ig gets excited, guys. Ig gets excited and sometimes when you’re really excited you just go for things and sometimes it misses and that’s okay because it’s the thought that counts.

[Fire whoosh SFX begins and then is suddenly absorbed.]

Kyle

Alright, so you shoot it, and then prematurely it stops… and it just stands in place for a second.

[Joyful tuba music begins.]

And the Invisibility esotery that had been hiding Meeghan Fishwife disappears and she’s just holding this with her nano powers.

Kyle (as Meeghan)

Oh! Sorry about that. Thanks for the ball. [Belly laughs.]

Kyle

And she fucking chucks it at the face.

[Rolls.] And… hits it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

The 5 points of damage hit Mako in the face.

Emily

[Delighted yelp.]

Kyle

And he flies back.

Emily

[Emotional.] I love Meeghan.

Kyle

Alright, we are gonna go back up to the first of the turn, Ness.

[Music changes to upbeat action rock music begins.]

Around you there is more fighting happening. You’re seeing more soldiers get knocked down by axes as Sera’s just maniacally laughing.

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Kyle (as Sera)

[Extended wild laughter, increasing in intensity.]

Kyle

Just this weird, very excited laughter as axes are just raining down from on high.

[01:25:00]

Kyle (as Rei)

Now Sera, I think you’re getting a little too excited. Besides—

Kyle

And she grabs her gavel and beheads one of the ones that an axe missed and just looks to her daughter with a shit-eating grin.

Kyle (as Rei)

You did miss one.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

So they’re fighting the good fight. Ness, you have Obsidian Tready. That is your boss. How are you gonna fight him?

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Well, I have this ability called Spot Weakness. If a creature that I can see, like a bucket directly in front of me, has a special weakness such as a particular vulnerability to fire, a negative modification to Perception, or so on, you know what it is. Ask and the GM will tell you.

Kyle

You eye up this bucket. The inside of a bucket can hold a whole lot of things, and there’s not a whole lot this obsidian bucket would want to hold inside of it.

Hallie

Okay, so stuff the bucket. I can do that. I would like to take the closest rock and chuck it into the bucket.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Give me a roll.

Hallie

Alright.

[Rolls.] Fifteen.

[Electric action music begins.]

Kyle

Okay yeah. You grab the next closest thing to you, you just reach and grab it, and you throw it in. You hear a little (whistling), a little chirping.

Hallie

No. No!

Kyle

And you realize you hadn’t grabbed a rock, you had grabbed a qwhale…

Olivia

[Gasps.]

Hallie

I touched it! God!

Kyle

…which plops to the inside of the bucket and just (whistles) chirps really alarmed.

Hallie

[Pained groan.]

[Earthquake SFX grows.]

Kyle

And that’s when you hear a rumbling as all the other qwhales, nervous for their friend, swim through the air and just bucket Tready for I’ll say 6 points of damage. Just (repeated impact sounds).

Hallie

Yes! I’m sorry, Tready.

Kyle

It’s down on the ground for a second, and it’s actually by your feet, and it’s gonna swing around and try to knock you over.

Hallie

I’m gonna roll Speed defense, and it just occurred to me that I am trained in Speed defense, so I should let you know that.

[Rolls.] Sixteen!

Kyle

[Grinning.] How do you dodge the bucket?

Hallie

I like to think that I just hop over it right before it was gonna knock Ness’s feet out from under him. Ness just sees where this is gonna go and does a little jump, almost like a jump rope.

Kyle

You just deftly jump over the bucket which, (whistles), spins a little more in place before getting back up into the air again, and you can take an action.

Hallie

Okay. What I would like to do is, Ness has his little backpack, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

And I have never explicitly said what’s in it, but I have always imagined it as having a lot of random shit inside it.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

What the specific thing is isn’t important, I’m not about to argue like I have a machete. What I am arguing however is that I want to run up and just empty everything I have into Tready, because it worked the first time, putting a qwhale in, and I’m just putting as much as I can to weigh it down.

Kyle

Yeah, give me a roll.

Hallie

Okay.

[Rolls.] Twelve?

Kyle

You go and you try to dump everything you can in, but the sides of the bucket are a bit too slippery. It’s glass.

Hallie

Shoot.

Kyle

You try to do it but you slip and you fall onto the ground. Tready, which has a few things inside of it from you, is going to start to reverberate and it looks like it’s about to explode. I need you to roll defense.

Hallie

Agh! I’m gonna roll away. I’m gonna leave that area. Oh~

[Rolls.] Two… Two.

Kyle

Tready explodes and you take 6 points of damage.

Hallie (as Ness)

Cheese and crackers!

Kyle

As you kind of gain your bearings again, as you’re starting to reframe where you are, you notice the bucket isn’t where you are… it’s headed for the generator.

[Music ends.]

Eraf!

Cassidy

Yeah?

Kyle

Things are not going well for you.

Cassidy

No.

Kyle

Your shadow has poofed.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Kyle

Mauve is there.

Cassidy

Yeah.

Kyle

Everett is crying.

Cassidy

[Sad chuckle.] Yeah.

Kyle

Gabby is screaming.

Kyle (as Gabby)

Agh! No, leave some alone for me!

Kyle

And she’s just following the blood barms, just swinging haphazardly with her scythe. She hasn’t hit anything yet, but someday she will. You also hear a (long neigh), just a robotic neigh as down on the other side of the street, (galloping thuds), this horse is cartwheeling through a handful of soldiers.

Cassidy

Oh…

Kyle

You, however, are stuck with this boss. What are you gonna do?

Cassidy

Yeah!

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Come on, buddy!

Cassidy

The first thing she’s gonna do…

[Understated threatening music begins.]

She’s gonna tap her little pin for the telepathy thing, urgency dripping from her voice.

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Don, Jesse, to me, now!

Cassidy

And… ugh. She has to back up, because she can’t help Everett if she’s going to die.

Kyle

How do you want Don and Jesse to help you?

Cassidy

Hmm… Jesse do their own thing, and I think I want Don to help me do an Onslaught attack.

Kyle

Okay. So, they run towards you. Don immediately, seconds later, just flips in like fucking Spiderman. He hooks into Mauve, drags himself towards her…

[01:30:00]

Cassidy

Does the shoulder thing?

Kyle

That’s a good suggestion, so it’ll actually be 2 steps easier, so he’s grabbing this obsidian soldier with his arms, ready for you to attack with an Onslaught.

Olivia

Sick.

Cassidy

[Sighs in relief.] That’s good. I’m still gonna put an effort into it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Cassidy

[Laughs.] Come on…

[Rolls.] Tonight’s failures are brought to you by Google dice, and I rolled a 4.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Olivia

Ugh!

Hallie

God damn it! Switch your dice! Don’t use Google dice!

Cassidy

I know.

Olivia

It’s doing me no favors. Mine are brought to you by Dice Dojo Chicago!

Kyle

How does your Onslaught manifest itself?

Cassidy

I would have made this a mind attack this time. Since Don was there I wouldn’t want to accidentally hit him with it. We enter the mind of the crystal Obsidian Mauve and attempt to destroy it from the inside.

[Threatening ambience begins, alongside dozens of voices.]

Kyle

For a second while you try to connect to the mind you can hear voices, some stuck in endless limbo, some angry. But the thing that knocks you out isn’t all of that…

[Tragic piano music breaks through the noise.]

What happens for a second is you almost see clarity in the soldier, and you could swear you hear a voice say:

Kyle (as Mauve)

Keep my kids safe.

Cassidy

[Exhales emotionally.]

Kyle

And as the attack recoils, Jesse runs in.

Kyle (as Jesse)

Everett! Everett! What’s going on? Are you—

Kyle

And Everett just points to Mauve, and Jesse frowns. For the first time they seem angry.

Cassidy

[Strained.] Let’s use that.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And they pick up their Santa sack of just oddity shit, swing it at the soldier, but a second before they can the soldier snaps out and cuts the sack in two.

[Music ends with a shing.]

Roll me Speed defense.

Cassidy

Me?

Kyle

Yeah.

Cassidy

[Uneasy.] Uh… okay! Can I put Effort into a Speed defense?

Kyle

You can.

Cassidy

I really wanna do that because I have a good pool of Speed right now that I’m gonna just dig right into. Here we go.

[Rolls.] Thirteen, with 1 Effort.

Kyle

The cutting of the bag, the soldier effortlessly swings it around and turns to hit you in the side, Eraf, for 8 points of damage.

Cassidy

Um… mm-hmm, okay. I had 4 points of Might left. What happens to the rest of that 4?

Hallie

It goes into Speed.

Cassidy

[Chuckling nervously.] It goes into Speed. Yup. Okay.

Kyle

So you’re impaired, so everything is gonna cost you 1 step more if you apply Effort.

Cassidy

Love it. Just love it.

Olivia

[Seethes.] Great news. Good news, everybody.

Emily

Please don’t kill Eraf.

Kyle

Alright, what are you gonna do?

Cassidy

Cry.

[Laughter.]

Although, I don't know… What can Q-BO do?

Olivia

Other than cut to your very soul.

[Laughter.]

“Quickly, insult them!”

Cassidy

She’s gonna be like:

Cassidy (as Eraf)

Q-BO, what can you tell us about this? How can we get to it? How can we get through it?

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] In life Mauve Rodirarche was a master of swordsmanship. She was an expert at hitting and parrying, and as such anyone who tried to directly attack her was bound to fail.

[Beep-boop.] However, Mauve was always surprised by the irregular antics of her husband Mako and, it has been noted, was always surprised by any action he took up until the very end.

Kyle

So, if you do something that is out of the norm, she will be easier to hit.

Cassidy

Okay. Uh… [Silly thinking sounds.]

Sucks because I can’t bring my duplicate back up.

Emily

Why can’t you bring your duplicate?

Cassidy

I have no Might.

Emily

Oh…

Cassidy

[Laughs.] And I need to spend Might to bring my duplicate back up.

Hallie

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cassidy

If there would be anything unexpected for Eraf to do it would be to run away, so she’s gonna run away.

Hallie

Ha!

Kyle

Where are you gonna run?

Cassidy

I actually don’t know the layout, but probably towards the closest ally? I don't know who that is. She doesn’t know there’s an obsidian—

Kyle

[Gobbles, growing louder and more obnoxious.]

Cassidy

Gosh. Kill me instead.

[Laughing.] Nope, never mind. I changed my mind.

[Chaotic hillbilly music begins.]

Kyle

The blood barms get louder and louder, Eraf, as you just BOOK it towards them.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Oh god.

Kyle

I’m gonna do two rolls.

[Rolls.] That was the blood barms, they got 19.

[Rolls.] Gabby got 3.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

Feels right.

Cassidy

Blood barms are unexpected, right?

Kyle

As you run away, Obsidian Mauve runs towards you.

Cassidy

I don’t like it.

Kyle

She ducks under a swing from Gabby and she starts just running and hacking at the blood barms to get through to you which just (gobble defiantly).

Here’s the trick about blood barms. It’s not that blood barms can’t die, it’s that they get harder to kill if you try to kill them.

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So she just swings, and more and more just splatter on the glass and all over, and she just (impact sounds), just barraged by these blood barms for I’m gonna say 6 points of damage.

Cassidy

[Disgusted but delighted.] Oh, good.

Kyle

[Alternates gobbling and bursting sounds.]

Cassidy

[Laughs.]

[01:35:00]

Kyle

She tries to swing at you, but I’m gonna say she is so caught up by the blood barms that she’s not able to. What are you gonna do?

[Music ends.]

Cassidy

Oh gosh. Okay, I have been thinking, and I have ideas.

Olivia

Come on, buddy.

Cassidy

And Eraf definitely was running through all of her options very quickly. She considered doing some more psychic attacks like an Onslaught or a Stasis and figured no, that didn’t work the first time, plus it would be too predictable. All I know is she’s gonna call on somebody to do a thing and they’re not gonna know what she’s talking about, but that’s all part of the unpredictability of it.

What is in her immediate surroundings? She’s on this street, but like… is there shattered glass? Is there dirt? Can she scoop up a handful of dirt and throw it? No wait, that’s right, I want her to take off her cape and throw it at the Mauve glass, and then as she does that she goes:

Cassidy (as Eraf)

June! Now!

Cassidy

And June has no idea what she’s talking about, but that’s again a whole part of it.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Holy shit!

Cassidy

She’s hoping that June will just, like…

Olivia

Improvise something.

Cassidy

Yeah! Exactly, just do a thing and make it cool.

[Laughs.] While her cape flutters towards…

Kyle

Yeah. Yeah-yeah-yeah. Give me a roll for this. It’s gonna be a lot easier because of the unpredictability.

Cassidy

Yep… Hmm. Effort? No, we’re just Google dice.

Olivia

Come on, Google dice.

Cassidy

Come on.

[Rolls.] Gave me an 11.

Olivia

Above average.

Cassidy

[Laughs nervously.]

Emily

Oh, let this happen, Kyle.

Cassidy

[Smiling.] Guys, I am awesome.

Olivia

I think you need to buy real dice.

Kyle

Unpredictability. I did mention this halves the difficulty. So, her normally is 7. I’m gonna round it down a little bit to a 3.

Cassidy

Okay.

Kyle

You grab the cape, throw it on her, and she’s just distracted by the blood barms, (gobbling, bursting sounds). Her face is covered by this cape which also has a bunch of tiny blood barms underneath it.

Cassidy

Oh gosh.

Emily

[Smiling.] You’re never gonna get those out.

Kyle

Good luck getting those stains out.

Cassidy

Ugh… I did just make like a—Did all the blood barms get trapped inside the cape and they’re just exploding, like multiplying?

Kyle

Some of—yeah, yeah-yeah.

Cassidy

Oh…

Hallie

Jesus Christ!

Kyle

And you yell “June, now.”

[Anime action music begins.]

Kyle (as June)

Got it!

Kyle

From a distance you hear a little:

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop. Starting distant, increasing in volume.] Hi! I’m the Incalculable Quorum of Beneficial Outputs, but you can call me Q-BO!

[SFX of Q-BO flying so fast, he’s on fire, like a comet.]

Kyle

And like a fucking baseball, Q-BO is thrown at high speed.

Cassidy

[Giggles uncontrollably.]

Kyle

Hits Obsidian Mauve in the head. (Thunk)!

Cassidy

Ugh… yes.

Olivia

Can we say it’s in the heart? Just because of how Q-BO actually functions. Just square in the chest.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Yeah, in the chest. (Crash), in the chest.

Cassidy

[Still giggling, fighting for composure.]

Kyle

Q-BO rolls down as all the glass gently pools down to a pool on the ground.

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Cassidy

Phew. Okay, I lived.

Kyle

A.Lex, you are positioned at the door. You have Obsidian Marv just politely hanging out, just nicely waiting for you. Unfortunately, these five intruders are not so polite. What are you gonna do to handle them?

Ari

Well, I have a gun.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

So I want to try and take an aim at one of them and then I want each of the other NPCs, other than Joe-per Scotch which is also in the door next to me to bar Marv from coming in, each of them tackle one of the other NPCs.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Ari

Because I counted, and it’s, you know, each one can go to one of them, and I just have a gun on the fifth one.

Hallie

[Laughing.] She’s doing like a fan the hammer.

Olivia

[Laughing.] She’s so cool! This is amazing!

Hallie

Holy shit!

Kyle

Alright, let me just…

[Rolls.] L’Adrien succeeds.

[Rolls.] Cecilos succeeds.

[Rolls three more times while others speak.]

Ari

She’s giving speeches.

Ari (as A.Lex)

Yeah! Use your advantage on crimes and villainous.

Ari

And things like that.

Emily

A.Lex is so good at things.

Ari

This session. Usually she’s not though. Last time she was on fire.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Ugh… I think A.Lex may one-shot this round.

[Sounds of shock and delight.]

Hallie

What?!

Kyle

Because literally every single NPC, including Reference Section, succeeded at their rolls.

Emily

You know you have to describe how Reference Section attacked one of these guys.

Kyle

I’m gonna go in order.

[Heist music begins.]

So, the one that was Bill Turing, it’s the first aggressive one to run at you, but as it does it stops and you can see L’Adrien, The Butterfly, standing in front of it. It swings and misses, and then behind it another L’Adrien appears, and it swings and misses, and a third, and a fourth, and you can just hear this creepy echoing voice saying:

[01:40:00]

Kyle (as L’Adrien)

I don't know what you fiends expected, but I am The Butterfly, the most ferocious villain in all The Ninth World!

Kyle

One final one appears and this L’Adrien takes this staff with fluttering butterfly wings on it, stabs it into the soldier, and tears it apart.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Nice.

Kyle (as CK)

Yes-yes! Be very afraid, indeed! It’s more fun that way.

Kyle

Coltrane, the one with the barkeep that did the fire breath attack, is trying to do this shard fire breath all around the place at this fluttering cicada, and CK swoops down, grabs it, flies up into the air, and you just hear a (comical falling whistle) as the shards hit the ground.

Ari

Nice. I want A.Lex to scream at that.

Ari (as A.Lex)

I hope your fear wasn’t falling!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Olivia

[Laughing.] This is… This is silly.

Kyle

Around the room you hear just this angry—

Kyle (as Stein)

[Sarcastic robotic quacking.]

Olivia

[Cackles.] Dude, you have to warn me before you pull that out. I’m gonna destroy my audio.

Kyle

Instructions being shouted out by Stein. Just like he helps Ein race, he helps her fight. Based on Stein’s instructions, she’s just deftly dodging and hitting the obsidian remains of Geoff the Miner.

Ari

Nice.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And eventually just conks Geoff in the face. The remains of Sal the Miner are just standing perplexed by Cecilos who’s just like:

[Music changes to silly inspector music.]

Kyle (as Cecilos)

I think this is very interesting. I did not know that glass could do crime like this. I do not believe that you have the sentience with which to do crime, and so I’m not really sure why you’re getting involved in this.

Kyle

He seems to be talking to the soldier which is just standing there, perplexed.

Kyle (as Cecilos)

Let me put it in words for you to understand. I know exactly how I can do this. I know how to communicate.

Kyle

He picks up a piece of glass from the ground and he just slaps it across his face as a mustache.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

He just does an “eh?” with the soldier which is like “oh…”

[Music changes back to heist music.]

And then he stabs it, and it shatters to the ground.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Nice.

Olivia

More mustaches! No mercy!

Kyle

Reference Section is just calculating all of these, just spewing out on the fax machine.

Kyle (as Reference Section)

An interesting attack, unorthodox. So much new information.

Kyle

Upon hearing “information,” the one thing the Apocrita craves, the last soldier who was gonna be your neighbor, Gus the shopkeep, takes his dual pistols, stops, and still facing you turns to Reference Section almost as if to take a new target.

[Music ends.]

Reference Section’s roll means that he will be distracted as you…

Ari

Shoot it.

Kyle

Yeah.

Ari

Okay.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Let’s do it.

[Rolls.] It’s a 17!

Kyle

How do you do Alexander Hamilton’s duel… and win?

Hallie

[Cackles.]

Ari

The thing is that, like, she has her little side pocket and she takes her glasses and puts them on, because obviously that’s the thing that needed. Why if not to take deadly aim? So, she does it and just looks at the little—I don't know, I don't know how to shoot, but I guess you also can aim with little… looking through the thing of the gun? Closing one eye.

Olivia

Yeah-yeah, the sights.

Hallie

[Laughing.] The sight. Yeah, the sight.

Ari

The sight! Yeah, she does that.

Olivia

Alexander Hamilton just murdered the crap out of Aaron Burr.

Ari (as A.Lex)

Two words… game over.

Ari

And then as she fires she also fires a paper airplane that says “game over” at the soldier as well.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

You just had it prepared! Obviously.

Ari

Yeah, she had it prepared. She has a lot of them. Why not

Olivia

She also has one that says “obviously, why not.”

Ari

“Obviously, why not” is her second one. If anybody is like “oh, she had it prepared,” it just comes right after the “game over.”

Kyle

[Loud, silly and emphatic.] Well, moving on to Hannelore I fucking guess, because you’re still in front of the door!

[Laughter.]

Ari

I’m still in the door. I’m not moving. I think it’s gonna be like, Marv is just gonna be waiting there the entire time and then not do anything at the end.

Hallie

He’s a patient lad.

Ari

[Laughs.] He’s a patient man.

Kyle

Alright, we are gonna move back to the ocean where a fierce fight is happening on the sea.

[Sea battle music begins.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Don’t hold back, Speedy Speed Boys! Take on ALL the heels!

Kyle

His flaming convertible is just driving into a few enemies. There’s this biplane with six skis that’s just (repeated thuds like a bumpy road), cutting them down. The giant Tommy Funbuck float like a frickin’ Godzilla is just stomping down multiple enemies which fly into the air. And over where you are…

[Music ends.]

[01:45:00]

[Sounds of a vehicle failing to start.] Obsidian Sue is trying to start the Red Mary and failing and just (bash-bash) hits on the dash, and it’s still failing to work. Next to her, Horus is like:

David (as Horus)

I don’t think it’s turned on.

Olivia

[Laughs.] Horus, you…

David (as Horus)

I don’t believe that’s how it works either.

Olivia

That’s fine. Keep heckling.

[Sneaky silly music begins.]

I’m gonna crawl back onboard the Big Red Maria, and can I like gather some of the craves in my hand and then just come up and just punch?

Kyle

[Smiling.] Yeah, you climb up and the craves I was gonna say were on top of you already. Just these tiny little clumps of crabs. Some of them have knives? I don't know how.

Olivia

[Laughs.] Hell yeah.

Kyle

You grab them and you all clump them in your hand, and I’m gonna say thanks to Horus, who Horus looks at you, and he can’t wink because he has an immovable face, but he takes his staff and just does a little nod towards you.

Olivia

Very cool.

Kyle

And keeps talking to Obsidian Sue, distracting her, so making her easier to hit.

Olivia

Okay, awesome. I’m punching and I have no need for weapons. When I make an unarmed attack it counts as a medium weapon.

Kyle

Okay. I’ll say the craves do 1 extra point of damage.

Olivia

Sick. Time to punch!

[Rolls.] Twelve?

Kyle

You go to punch, and…

Olivia

[Grumbles.] Can I instead at least just touch and place the craves? If it’s not damage, can I at least make a land bridge for the little crustaceans to be crawling all over.

Kyle

Yeah. You go to punch and you’re like “I can’t punch with these craves in my hand. What if they get hurt?”

Olivia

Oh, yeah. “That one’s wearing a tiny beret.”

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So Obsidian Sue just slowly turns around to see you with your—

[Laughs.] Your fist right there which you’ve turned into a middle finger as you did on the camera.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And roll me Speed defense. She’s gonna try to hit you.

[Music ends.]

Olivia

No problem.

[Rolls.] Agh! There’s no way! It’s a 1.

Hallie

No~!

Ari

Oh no.

Olivia

I’m rolling… It’s been three different dice.

Ari

I think I just passed my bad rolls as A.Lex to everybody else.

Olivia

It’s okay. It’s worth it. You’re doing really well.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

I’m not mad. I’m proud of you. It’s true. Just tell me what happens, man. What’s up?

Kyle

She turns around and you get knocked off the boat again.

[Laughter. Surfer radio music begins.]

But this time as you fly out you hear this rock music play and you fall into the seat of Jimmy Win’s convertible. He looks at you and says:

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Jimmy)

Hey there, Hannelore!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Jimmy!

Kyle (as Jimmy)

I actually needed a navigator. This is perfect timing!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Fantastic. I was just about to stick out my thumb.

Kyle

You have Jimmy Win. You are in his car. You now can use that to attack Obsidian Sue who…

[Rolls.] is unsuccessfully trying to get the craves off of her.

Olivia

Sick.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

The craves you can see are just (tink, tink, tink), they’re just stabbing at her with their little claws. She’s glowing up brightly. So she takes 1 point of damage from them.

Olivia

Okay. What I really want to do with the Red Mary is to psychically tell her to grab onto all of my allies’ feet, or form a seatbelt around those of them that are sitting, and then I’m gonna order her to roll so that Obsidian Sue falls out and sinks to the bottom of the sea.

Kyle

Okay. Um…

[Rolls.] Yeah, I rolled a 15. She does that.

Olivia

[Growling triumphantly.] Yeah~

Kyle

Suddenly, (fwoomp, fwoomp, fwoomp)!

Kyle (as Fayz)

Huh?! Hello? What’s happening? What’s happening?!

Kyle

Fayz is very confused.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

You’re a good boy. You’re a good boy, Fayz.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] You’re gonna—Well o, you have the pin, so he just hears “you’re a good boy, Fayz.”

Kyle (as Fayz)

Oh! Oh! I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Good boy. You’re a good boy.

Kyle (as Fayz)

Okay! Okay. Okay.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

You’re good.

Kyle

Horus is just still chilling there and Jebediah just somberly, captain goes down with the ship.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Olivia

I imagine he’s fallen asleep at this point, like taking a nap in the sun.

Kyle

The ship turns over and knocks Obsidian Sue into the water. (Splash). But she’s still tall enough that she can poke out. So, what do you wanna do? Are you gonna do hit and run? Are you gonna do like a mailbox thing but with your wrench?

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

Yeah, let’s do the mailbox thing with the wrench. I’m gonna turn to Jimmy and say:

Olivia (as Hannelore)

[Fierce.] Punch it.

[Action music begins on the radio.]

Olivia

Then I’m just gonna try to clobber her with my wrench. I’m gonna apply Effort to it before we even begin.

[Heavy exhale.] Who’s scared? Not me.

[Rolls.] Eighteen! Eighteen?!

Hallie

[Excited.] Aaah!

Kyle

Jimmy drives. He revs the engine, just (VROOM, vroom), because he can’t slow down. Again, he’s driving on water. You, Hannelore, go in. You take the  song and you just crank it up. You grab your wrench.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Fore!

[Racing car SFX rises, followed by the shattering of glass.]

Kyle

And Obsidian Sue’s head breaks off as the rest of her body turns into glass and rests on the floor.

[Music ends.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

You come to my ship. You come to my ship and you mess around? No! That’s what happens. That’s what happens!

[01:50:00]

Salad Raptor, right here!

Olivia

Then Jimmy’s gonna drive me past so I can high-speed Salad Raptor high-five.

Hallie (as Salad Raptor)

[Long screech.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Ow!

Kyle

We move over to Ig.

[The Can Can begins.]

More conflict is happening. Unit 909 has continued to try to clean but is getting very frustrated.

Kyle (as Unit 909)

Please, do not interrupt my cleaning. I am meant to clean this area. … Fine!

Kyle

And suddenly all of their arms which were cleaning supplies shift.

[Snapping wood SFX.]

The broom just gets knocked off into a sharp end.

Olivia

[Cackles.] They took a shiv.

Kyle

A chainsaw for wood comes out and (brrr), and Unit 909 just spins through a handful of enemies.

Olivia

Can they pour a bottle of bleach into a bottle of ammonia?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Which should be terrible for everyone around them, but Fungi just lifts it up.

Kyle (as Fungi)

Hmm… interesting.

Kyle

He sticks his finger in, takes a little taste.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And all of the Toads that scream inside of his head suddenly come to the forefront as he just charges out swinging at them.

Emily (as Ig)

Oh dear… Okay. Okay-okay. No, I’m good at things.

Olivia

Yes. Yes!

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Ig)

I am The Incredible Igneous Artiste of Astaria, and I am good at things! Even when I don’t do stuff right, then… then I do it right later!

Emily

Hyping themself up, Ig still on fire will whip around to face their brother.

[Accordion waltz begins.]

Emily (as Ig)

Brother, throw me!

Kyle (as Vespari)

Eh, throw you?!

Emily (as Ig)

Yes. I… I’ve thought this through really closely, and I think that if you put your dust on your hands I will not burn you and you can take my foot and push me forward and throw me into the enemies and then I’ll win!

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ingenious thinking as always. You were always the better sibling.

Kyle

The dust goes up on Vespari’s hand forming giant oven mitts. He grabs you and throws you at the enemy, so you get an asset on this. Give me a roll.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Come on. Come on.

Emily

I’m gonna put in 2 levels of Effort again. I’m still on fire which does extra damage.

[Rolls. Pauses. Yelps excitedly and claps.] I rolled a 20! I rolled a 20!

[Music ends.]

Olivia

YEAH! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

Hallie

[Shrieks in delight.]

Kyle

Do you want a major effect or do you wanna do 4 extra points of damage?

Olivia

[Smiling.] Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh!

Emily

I should probably do 4 extra points of damage.

[Tense, understated music begins.]

Kyle

You fly at him and you notice that the armor, almost as if responding to the previous attack, has made this kind of fireproof vest, so the original 4 points of damage don’t hit. It seems like that attack he is now impervious to. But then you just start scrambling all over him, and the remaining points of damage just (whoosh), just fire all over him as more and more pieces of this armor come to protect against this specific attack, but unfortunately for him, fortunately for you, you hit enough points that you were able to do, in the end, 6 points of damage.

Emily

Yeah. They’re just scrabbling around trying to hold on as long as they can.

Kyle

As you’re scrabbling he goes to attack you. Roll me Speed defense.

Olivia

Come on.

Emily

[Breathes.] I rolled good once.

[Rolls.] I did not roll as good this time. So, how many points would he do if I rolled a 3?

Kyle

You’re scrambling. Vespari’s like:

Kyle (as Vespari)

Yes, Ig. Yes! Get him!

Kyle

And you go after the hand. You’re like “oh yeah, let’s just go here next,” and it whirrs again, and out of the pole just a shard, almost a laser beam of glass shards shoots out and knocks you back for 6 points of damage.

Emily (as Ig)

[Weakly.] Ow…

[Music ends.]

Kyle

What is your next action going to be?

Emily

Um…

[Laughs.] I want an NPC to come save me. I need help.

Olivia

Brother! Brother!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

Uppy! Uppy-uppy!

Emily

I wanna give other NPCs some love, but I would like to say that Vespari can come and help Ig up if that’s okay.

Kyle

Yeah, Vespari comes to help you up.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ig, is everything alright?

Emily (as Ig)

Uh, I did it mostly good. It was just at the end there.

Kyle (as Sunny)

Ooh, is everything alright out there?

[Rising tension music begins.]

Kyle

And Obsidian Mako, who had been approaching you, upon hearing Sunny’s voice turns instead to the room where she, Mayra, and the Ring of Power are, and lifts up his arm and…

[01:50:00]

[Rolls.] successfully launches a shot into Mayra who isn’t down but recoils a bit from it, and all of the spells surrounding you, the cloud surrounding and protecting the house, disappears.

[Music ends.]

Emily

So Ig is kind of panicking. Their eyes are going wide.

Emily (as Ig)

F-Fire doesn’t work… Um, that’s kind of my thing. That’s like… Fire always works, and so when it doesn’t work, I… it doesn’t work.

Kyle (as Vespari)

Ig. Ig. Sibling Ig!

Kyle

Vespari just looks at you.

[Inspiring music begins.]

Kyle (as Vespari)

Are you just The Igneous or are you The Incredible Igneous Artiste of Astaria? You are not just one word, you are three words on top of that one word.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Vespari)

So what will The Incredible Artiste of Astaria do?

Emily (as Ig)

I’m gonna… I’m gonna not igneous!

Kyle (as Vespari)

Exactly!

Emily (as Ig)

I’m gonna artiste!

Olivia

Woo!

Emily

And Ig…

[Music ends abruptly.]

[Laughing.] still doesn’t know what to do.

Olivia

[Laughs.] But is brave!

Emily

But she’s really motivated.

[Inspiring music resumes.]

Ig is gonna look around her.

Emily (as Ig)

Okay! Okay. Okay… Rockryan!

Kyle (as Rockryan)

Huh?!

Kyle

He pokes his head in from outside.

Emily (as Ig)

There might be a fossil inside the head.

[Laughter.]

Everyone else… go!

Emily

And as Ig calls to arms her companions she is going to once again launch herself at Mako, but this time she pulls out her single weapon, her bent conductor’s baton.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] Roll me the hit.

Emily

Okay, okay, okay.

Olivia

Come on. Come on.

Kyle

I will say, you have a fair bit of assets. You have an asset from Vespari, Meeghan, Unit 909 and Fungi, so you have 4 assets.

Emily

I would like to put in Effort.

Kyle

How much Effort?

Emily

I’m gonna do 1 Effort.

Kyle

Okay. You have 4 assets from all the NPCs. You have 1 level of Effort. You have to roll a 3 or higher.

Olivia

Okay.

Emily

Pray for me. Pray for me.

Olivia

You got it. You got it.

Emily

[Rolls.] Oh, I rolled a 10. I rolled a 10!

Olivia

Woo! Huzzah!

Kyle

So, this is how it happens.

[Peppy rock music begins.]

Unit 909 appears with their chainsaw, their claw, their broken off end of a broom, and just starts spinning, just (thud, thud, thud), battering into Mako. Mako stumbles forward a bit and trips on an invisible force. Like a prank, Meeghan has invisibly just set herself down there causing him to trip over her. When he trips over her, he falls into Fungi’s hand and he just throws Mako back into a series of silver chains that have been prepared by Vespari. How do you launch in and hit him?

Emily

So, Ig once again has not fully thought this through, but they grasp the conductor’s baton and just smash it into him, and this would have done absolutely no damage had he not been hit repeatedly by a bunch of other things, because this is a bent conductor’s baton, and one thing that Ig knows is that this is the last hurrah for their conductor’s baton. There’s no going back from this. But she knows that it’s time for it to actually do something.

Kyle

And it stabs into the head of Obsidian Mako, which looks down.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Ig)

[Emphatically.] I am The Incredible Igneous Artiste of Astaria, and I have lots of skills!

Kyle

But then, after a second, because it still has 1 health…

[Rising evil music begins.]

Emily

[Indignant.] What?! No, this was so good!

[Laughter.]

This was so good, Kyle!

Kyle

The Mako raises its head and starts responding to everything. The baton bends even further. It rips itself off of the chains with newfound strength, marches towards you, and…

[Rolls several times.]

Emily

[Worried.] Why were there so many rolls?

Olivia

Still so many, actually.

Hallie

It’s still going.

[Music suddenly ends with a handful of swoosh and metal bonk SFX.]

Kyle

Bonk! Whiff, whiff, whiff! Bonk, bonk!

Rockryan comes out swinging with his shovel and just slams it against Mako, just screaming.

Kyle (as Rockryan)

WHERE! ARE! MY! FOSSILS?!

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And with a final hit, it—Well, it dies in the first hit.

Olivia

So scary.

[02:00:00]

Kyle

But it shatters with the final one, and Rockryan immediately just starts (growling). He gets on his knees and starts routing through it, looking for fossils, while Bee on his shoulder inquisitively just starts picking up and placing shards of the glass in his beard for safekeeping.

Emily

[Delighted, pinched.] I love Bee so much. I don’t think you understand.

Kyle

[Laughs.] So, Eraf, with a lot of effort but some ingenuity defeated her soldier. A.Lex absolutely trounced on hers. I mean, he’s still outside, but he’s kind of useless.

Ari

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

Hannelore with the aid of the Speedy Speed Boys and a national felony was able to destroy Obsidian Sue, and Ig learned that they’re not just all fire.

Ari

Aww.

Kyle

But those aren’t all the fights happening right now.

[Tense action music begins.]

Ness, last we were with you Tready was racing towards the generator, and Obsidian Tready is still making his way there.

Hallie

Bad news for Obsidian Tready. Ness has a jetpack, so Ness is gonna turn that on and just barrel into him. I’m putting in Effort to hit. Would that be Speed?

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

Okay. Here goes Ness. Da-da-dada!

[Rolls.] I got 6.

Emily

Hallie, are you sure your dice aren’t weighted?

Olivia

[Flatly.] You got 6.

Hallie

Emily.

Ari

[Smiling.] You got 6.

Hallie

No! Like, that’s… Like—I’m not sure of anything.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Hallie

We all know how my dice are. So this one goes over there.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle

You go to grab Obsidian Tready, and when you grab onto him it just flips over…

Hallie

No!

Kyle

…further catapulting you, and you kind of skid across the ground a little bit. You hear a little tinkling of glass and then you slam against the wall.

Hallie

This is a disgrace.

Kyle

Tready, seeing you, is going to try to slam into you. Roll me Speed defense.

Hallie

Ugh… I’m trained in that.

[Rolls.] Seventeen!

Emily

[Gasps.]

Cassidy

Not a 6? Wow.

Hallie

Not a 6. Yeah!

Kyle

How do you dodge him as he goes towards you?

Hallie

Alright, so Ness is grumbling about how this is a disgrace.

Hallie (as Ness)

God, this… bucket.

[Stammers angrily.] Jetpack! Why isn’t it working?

Hallie

And then over his mumbling he hears Cart.

Kyle (as Cart)

Watch out!

Hallie

[Laughs.] So then he turns over to see what that annoying sound was and then he does another one of those “AH” cartoon things where you splay out all four limbs and then jump over the thing that was going to attack you. This is the second time he’s done that to Tready. He can also flex.

Kyle

As you’re midair you’re able to make your attack on Tready. What do you do?

Hallie

I have, as part of Ness’s Fights Dirty focus he got an extra weapon that is easily concealed. I have chosen this weapon to be a yoyo.

Kyle

Flaming yoyo.

Hallie

It’s a flaming yoyo! Yeah. Because I also got a vial of poison, but I was like that’s not really Ness’s style, so I asked for this to be some kind of vial of fire so that I can put it on the yoyo and so that yoyo could be aflame when I used it so that Ness could finally live up to his birthright and do a PK Fire!

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

Tready has a handle because he’s a bucket. I would like to wrap my yoyo around the handle and then yank him back.

Olivia

Oh! OH!

Kyle

Okay. Yeah.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Give me a roll for that.

Hallie

I am putting 2 levels of Effort into this roll.

Olivia

Yeah buddy!

Hallie

Yeah buddy!

Cassidy

Good call.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

[Rolls.] … Twenty!

Ari

Ooh~!

Emily

[Gasps.] Woo!

Hallie

Fuck Effort, man!

Kyle

[Claps.]

Hallie

[Quietly, meek but proud.] PK Fire.

Kyle

Yeah. Do you want to do extra damage or a major effect?

Hallie

I don't know what effect I would want, because regardless of major effect or not he’s now entwined in my yoyo which was my primary goal, so let’s go for extra damage.

Kyle

Okay. Yeah. Describe how you just clobber this boy.

Hallie

Okay. Okay. Let’s say that Ness is off-screen when this happens. Tready, he missed, but like whatever. He’s going about his way. He’s going to the generator. That’s his goal.

[Silly, circus-like music begins.]

And then from off-screen, not just the one yoyo but like several come bonking out, and then it stuns Tready enough that he can’t move, and then there’s a pause. They were coming at very regular intervals but there’s a pause and Tready thinks he’s safe but NO.

[Laughter.]

The final one comes out and it winds around his bucket handle and then it yanks him back.

Hallie (as Ness)

You’re not allowed over there!

Kyle

Yeah, and the bucket gets thoroughly trashed losing half of his health.

Hallie

Yes! God! Ness, you’re doing it.

Olivia

You’re doing it, Ness!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Tready floats there, he kind of faces up towards the generator, faces down towards you… and for its action it speeds away.

Hallie

We’ve been through this. No, you aren’t allowed over there.

Kyle

Not towards the generator.

Hallie

Oh.

Kyle

It races away from you and the generator.

Hallie

Interesting.

Kyle

As it does, a few axes hit the ground after it.

Hallie

Ha!

[Outro song begins, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound.]

Kyle

And you can hear Sera from up top say:

Kyle (as Sera)

Yeah, and don’t come back!

Hallie

Ness does a fist bump at the air for Sera.

Kyle

[Laughs.] As you go give a fist bump to Sera, she looks down at you, gives you a thumbs up with a big smile.

Hallie

Adorable.

Kyle (as Sera)

Great job, kid.

[02:05:00]

Kyle

And that’s when the generator explodes.

Hallie

Oh…

[Outro music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

Uh…

Hallie

[Pained.] Uh…

Cassidy

Somebody’s gonna die.

Olivia

Okay cool. We were all feeling good for like three seconds, but thanks man. Thank you. That’s cool.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I want a miniseries, Don and Eraf, at a bar.

Cassidy

Psh, sure!

Kyle

Buddy ex-cops.

Tom

But they’re both like the jaded grizzled partner in the buddy cop drama.

Cassidy

[Laughing.] Yeah.

Hallie

Yeah. I want it.

Cassidy

[Smiling.] There is no buddy.

Olivia

I’m driving the boat with one hand and I’m holding a cocktail like I’m a dad on a lake.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Olivia

I just want to state for the record that even in the Big Red Maria form there is a burn on one of the benches that Ig definitely did.

Kyle

[Laughs.] I will approve it.

Emily

[Smiling.] Ig didn’t do it! You can’t prove it!

Olivia

You were so close to writing out your name. You were doing it with your fingernail. You were doing that wood-burning thing.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Hannelore, checking in. Hannelore, checking in. Eraf, have you stolen anything?

Cassidy (as Eraf)

I have not, but I hear you loud and clear.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Okay. A.Lex, checking in. Have you stolen anything?

Ari (as A.Lex)

No, but I am ready to steal the lives of our enemies, and all of you should as well!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

That’s great.

Ari

She’s gonna start to do the speech and then she’s probably gonna get cut off.

[Laughter.]

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Last but never least! My sweet Ig. How are you doing?

Emily (as Ig)

Doing great!

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Stealing anything?

Emily (as Ig)

Well, Sunny said it was okay.

Kyle

And you hear another voice over the speaker say:

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] Ig! I noticed, Eraf, that there was a change in your complexion when that voice appeared. Updating my relationship matrix.

Olivia (as Hannelore)

Who is that? Who’s saying that?

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] Hi! I’m the Incalculable Quorum of Beneficial Outputs, but you can call me Q-BO!

Emily (as Ig)

What’s a relationship matrix? And how do I get on lots of them?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright, so…

Olivia (as Hannelore)

You’re too young. Don’t listen to Sunny about anything. You listen to Hannelore. You trust Hannelore. I think that was the thing I said right after stealing: Don’t listen to anything anyone else tells you. Remember what Hannelore tells you. Always circle back. What did Hannelore say?

[Laughter.]

Olivia

Hey, really quick question, and I do request we edit this out. Are we Tier 3 or Tier 4?

Kyle

You’re Tier 3.

Olivia

Super-duper. I ask because as a person who can speak with machines at Tier 4 I get a machine companion, and I think I already have one.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Salad Raptor~

Hallie

Salad Raptor!

Olivia

Oh my god! He’s wearing my shirt! Okay, I totally planned Hannelore’s outfit, we don’t need to take up time for it, but he is wearing one of Hannelore’s Hawaiian shirts stretched horribly over his frame.

Kyle

Olivia, you’re a fucking blessing for post-credits material. I hope you know this.

[Laughter.]

Olivia

I only have extra nonsense. I contribute almost nothing, I’m peaking constantly, I have no idea what level I am.

Kyle

You’re the Q-BO of roleplayers.

[Laughter.]

Also Olivia, you don’t just have 3 uses of Effort, that means you can use 1, 2, or 3 Effort at any time.

Olivia

Oh!

Kyle

And the higher level Efforts cost more, but they give you more.

Olivia

Are these the points you were talking about?

Kyle

Yeah, they cost from your pool.

Olivia

And I have a number of those.

Kyle

Yeah.

Olivia

Something like… 54.

Emily

You do… I don’t think you have 54.

Olivia

Fifty-four…

Ari

[Laughing.] Fifty-four.

Kyle

Between all of them.

Emily

I guess, yeah.

Olivia

Right. And so, I will mark down that I have 54.

Kyle

Well, you have them in each of your pools, the Might, Speed and Int—

Olivia

Thank you, Kyle, for your generosity in this moment.

Ari

[Laughs.] Fifty-four levels of Effort.

Olivia

I’m just gonna put 3 levels of Effort into everything I do. Tie my shoes.

Oh! I wanted to say… Here. Here, I have something to talk about while you’re doing that. I do have 54 points. I looked it up. Eraf has 50. I’m unstoppable, top of the world, and I would like you to apologize. Everyone who doubted me.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

I didn’t doubt that you have 54, just the 54 levels of Effort.

Olivia

Oh.

Kyle

Yeah, we just doubted how you were going to use them. [Laughs.]

Olivia

I do have… The 54 is real, and I don't know how to use them, but I’m still confident and proud.

Ari

I’m happy for you.

Kyle

Ari, before we started: “Yeah, I’d like some stakes. I’d be okay with A.Lex dying.” At this rate A.Lex will be the only one alive at the end of this episode.

[Laughter.]

Cassidy

Yeah.

Ari

God.

Hallie

I’m so sorry.

Olivia

I went to a PTA meeting, man.

Kyle

Well luckily you don’t have any child to worry about.

Olivia

No, just my precious son. My sweet baby boy.

[02:10:00]

Kyle

This was the combat I was like “I wonder how this will go. I wonder how this will go for Ari. I wonder how she’ll manage having so many random enemies to fight.” And the answer is—

Ari

Well like, I had all of the NPCs. Oh, you didn’t know about the Unmovable thing I had.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

No, I didn’t!

Ari

I’m glad. I’m glad you didn’t.

Kyle

I skimmed the character sheets. I was like, “I’m sure that’ll be fine.”

Ari

It’s also like, for some reason, the font is the bigger one on that move. Like, it says Unmovable and it’s so big. I don't know why. I’m glad you didn’t see it.

Olivia

[Laughing.] What’s also so funny is you opened the door! Like, you peeked to look and see this person and you’re like nah, they’re not getting in.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

Yeah. Nah, I’m not gonna deal with that. Just leaning next to Joe-per Scotch.

Hallie

[Pained.] No.

Olivia

Passing a cigarette.

Ari

Close quarters.

Olivia

He does that Tom and Jerry thing where he’s lighting one and it’s flying up in the air. So cool.

Hallie

No. No it’s not. Hopper Scotch does not approve this message.

Ari

She’s having a lot of deep conversations with Joe-per Scotch about his past and just learning a lot of things from him which are completely wrong, and Hopper will have to [unintelligible] later on.

Hallie

[Laughing.] You now think you know Hopper Scotch’s history.

Kyle

Get over, Charlotte N, there’s a new competitor for Madeline Jefferjames.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

No. It was—I mean, I guess it came across like that. it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kyle

No, it’s fine. No, I get it.

Ari

I was trying to think, if A.Lex is based on Alexander Hamilton, then I was like well which one is the Laurens, because I guess the other one’s like whatever.

Olivia

Laurens?

Ari

And then I was like—Yeah. I was like I need, I need one of them, and I was like oh… now, now I know, it’s Joe-per. That’s the one.

Kyle

That’s absolutely fine. I was primed to make that joke from the beginning, because I really wanted to make a joke early on like “you know, you never know what Sera saw in that Hopper Scotch guy, he was never that appealing. Now you kinda get it at least.”

Ari

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She gets it. She’s like alright, that’s…

Kyle

You’re not into him, but like, you get it now.

Ari

Just leaning pretty slick-looking into the door next to Joe-per Scotch which is not a bad situation to be in, just next to a very attractive man.

Hallie

I disagree!

Olivia

[Laughing.] Joe-per Scotch.

Hallie

This is the worst… I hate everything.

Olivia

Faux-per Scotch. F-A-U-X.

Hallie

No.

Olivia

[Laughing.] I’m just thinking—Every time I hear something about the false Hopper Scotch it makes me laugh.

Emily

Okay wait. But, do Olivia and Cassidy know his ship name?

Hallie

No, don’t!

Cassidy

I fortunately do.

Hallie

Oh no, don’t say it!

Cassidy

[Smiling.] It’s the best.

Hallie

Don’t say it.

Cassidy

It’s Jopper, right?

Ari

It is Jopper.

Emily

Well, that’s one of them.

Hallie

It’s Jopper.

Emily

But there’s also Hoppleganger.

Olivia

[Laughs.]

Cassidy

Oh, that’s—Yes!

Kyle

[Delighted.] I forgot Hoppleganger!

Hallie

Yeah, there’s like… It’s a really good name, and it’s…

Olivia

It’s a good joke. It’s a great joke, even.

Hallie

It makes me upset.

Kyle

What’s a polyship between Hopper, Hopscotch, and Joe as Sexy Hop called?

Hallie

Don’t.

Kyle

That three-way ship.

Ari

Hmm…

Hallie

Joppleganger. That’s the only answer.

Ari

Jop…sc—I don't know.

Kyle

Hopskiewski. I don't know.

[Laughter.]

Emily

I’m trying to think of some kind of Hopper Scotch joke.

Kyle

Simon and the Chipmunks.

Emily

Like, pun with ménage à trois.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

[Pained.] No… Sim-age à trois.

[Cry-laughs.] Scotch à trois.

Olivia

[Laughs loudly and hums happily.]