Hallmarked! Christmas Bedtime Stories

Transcript by Raina Harper

[Upbeat Christmas music plays]

Kyle

[Santa voice.] Oh-ho-ho, welcome to Hallmarked! I’m Santa Clause!

Hallie

[Chipper, interrupting.] And I’m Hallie—

Kyle

What?! [Laughs.]

Hallie

—ranking all the Hallmark Channel original movies from A Storm in Summer to Miracle in Bethlehem, PA.

Kyle

[Fighting laughter.] No wait, no wait, no wait…

Hello and welcome to Hallmarked! I’m Kyle. That’s what I’m supposed to say.

Hallie

You didn’t. You lost your chance. I was too eager to say the titles of Storm in Summer and Five More Minutes: Moments Like These.

Kyle

Usually you do the subversion of the introduction after you’ve done it more than ‘never’ times.

Hallie

[Laughs.] We’re ahead of the game. We’re doing things before it’s cool.

Kyle

Yeah. Speaking of, we’re not ranking all of those. That was a lie.

Hallie

God no. No, of course not.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

So, a couple years ago we did a little Hallmark analysis podcast which was fun but lost its way a little bit. We didn’t know what we were doing. We didn’t have a good format. But, thanks to our friends at the RexyPod podcast, which are the history ranking podcast…

Hallie

Thanks, RexyPod.

Kyle

…we found a format to steal!

Hallie

We did!

Kyle

So, what we’re gonna do today is Hallie is going to walk through the plot of a Hallmark movie that I have not seen, and then, once we’ve just heard about the plot of this, we’ve got a series of ways we’re gonna rank these from 1 to 10, and then we’re gonna see how good of a Hallmark movie this is. I’ve got metrics for figuring out just how good, not of a movie, but of a Hallmark movie specifically this is.

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

So yeah, I think, Hallie, it’s time for you to tell me what we’re watching, for everyone to PAUSE, go watch it…

Hallie

Go watch it.

Kyle

…then come back, and then listen to us talk about what you just watched.

Hallie

Yeah. If you watch it on the TV like I did, like I recorded it and then I watched it later, it’ll say two hours but actually the movie’s probably like one hour because there are so many commercials. I fast-forwarded through all of them and I was like “god, I’m running out of time,” and I was still late, but then I was like “oh, fast-forwarding through these is taking up a chunk of my time.” Anyway. Getting into it!

Kyle

What are we watching?

Hallie

Oh, I’m sorry… we’re watching Christmas Bedtime Stories.

[Christmasy stinger plays.]

Kyle

Now we have watched Christmas Bedtime Stories.

Hallie

Now we have watched Christmas Bedtime Stories! What happens in Christmas Bedtime Stories? Well first, we open with a series of establishing shots in a suburban neighborhood covered in snow, and also several military marine guys because we’re in a military base as we find out a little bit later. The establishing shots don’t do a whole lot to establish that, but the dialogue handles it later. It’s fine. Also—

Kyle

Can they just not afford to shoot by a military base?

Hallie

Probably not.

Kyle

I’ve got one at my backyard. They can just come here.

Hallie

It’s like a town military base. I don't know! I don't know how the military works and I don't think Hallmark does either, so it’s fine.

Kyle

So they’re not like Marvel, getting in the shill money from the US Military so they can have a realistic fighter jet?

Hallie

[Laughs.] It wouldn’t surprise me though if the US Military was like “yeah, we have a Hallmark fund.” What do you mean? “Yeah, we fund Hallmark.” All that good Christmas good stuff that the army likes.

Kyle

Weaponized Christmas spirit.

Hallie

There you go. That’s what I was going for.

Alright, so we open with those establishing shots. There’s also a countrified Christmas song that’s playing. I tried to Shazam it, Shazam didn’t know what it was. Listeners, if you know what it is, please tell me. It was okay and I might listen to it again.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

Danielle, our main character, is running a toy drive. Even though she and the other teachers who teach, like teachers do, at the compound in the town that’s at the military base… she just doesn’t know how she’s—

Kyle

Wait, wait, wait. Is the whole town a military base?

Hallie

It’s one of those places where military wives and families live.

Kyle

Okay. Okay.

Hallie

There’s a line later where they’re like “I can’t believe this is surrounded by 55,000 acres of compound” or something like that, but we don’t see those acres of compound. It’s just like a town with normal houses. There’s a school nearby.

Kyle

Nightmarish.

Hallie

Yeah. We’ll get to that.

Alright, so, things established in this scene. Danielle, she’s got a daughter, Audrey, very excited for the holidays. Also, it’s important to note that her best friend, a math teacher named Sophia is the comic relief as stated by the line “teaching 17-year-olds calculus deserves combat pay,” delivered almost exactly like that. You hate her right away. {delivered flat and irritated}

Also established is Danielle’s relationship with a man named Pierce. Pierce works for a toy company that donates a whole bunch of stuff to the toy drive every year.

[00:05:00]

This year, he shows up loudly announcing “Santa in the house” for some reason. He is not in the house, he’s getting out of a truck.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Alright, so Pierce and Danielle are dating. They make cute little domestic plans for later. He’s gonna untangle her Christmas lights and they’re gonna hang out with Audrey. Then, Pierce asks verbatim: “Oh, and Danielle? I was hoping we could maybe talk about some ‘things’ later.” That is how he chooses to phrase it. Take with that what you will.

So, we cut to home and Audrey arrives home from school looking sad. She’s sad because a girl at school told her she was weird because she was bringing her mom to the Christmas Father-Daughter Dance. Danielle assures her this isn’t weird because a lot of the dads are deployed anyway, but Audrey reiterates “but I’m bringing my mom.” Then Danielle dances in the kitchen because she’s got sick moves so that we know she’s really funny.

Then she’s like “would daddy have liked to come to this?” There’s just so much she doesn’t remember about him. That segues into Danielle’s sister Jane coming in, and when they’re decorating Audrey still seems so down, so Danielle is like “hey, what’s up?”

I’m sorry, Jane is like “hey, what’s up” to Danielle, and Danielle explains the situation that Audrey is starting to ask more questions about her dad.

Then she’s like “I can’t find this little Christmas bell ornament that Colby gave me. It’s been missing for three years, ever since Colby died.”

Kyle

So, did the movie wait as you did right now to tell me that this man is dead?

Hallie

Yes.

Kyle

Is Pierce a military guy?

Hallie

No.

Kyle

But he lives in the military town.

Hallie

No, he just comes there.

Kyle

Oh…

Hallie

I don't know where things are located adjacently.

Kyle

[Laughing.] You don't know where he comes from.

Hallie

[Laughing.] yeah, I don't know where he comes from, but he seems to come from like a regular place because he works for a toy company and then he comes and donates, but he’s also at Danielle’s house all the time, and Danielle goes out with him to places, so I don't know.

Kyle

I’m trying to think. I’d like to imagine he has an ice cream truck filled with toys, like a traveling caravan, but like a Seussian one that he just pedals with his feet from town to town.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle

Anyways, I love the classic Hallmark ‘we’re just not going to mention tragedy’ and then drop it as casually as humanly possible.

Hallie

As casually.

Kyle

It took me a while. When you said “daddy can’t come,” I’m just sitting there like oh, Pierce can’t—wait… wait.

Hallie

No. Yeah, you gotta do the math. The movie makes you do the math.

Kyle

I don’t wanna think.

Hallie

Well, you know, you don’t have to in most Hallmarks, so this is really a rare deviation where they’re like ‘we’re asking you to evaluate these relationships.’

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright. A man is dead.

Hallie

A man is dead! Relevant, we transition to Danielle putting Audrey to bed, but Audrey doesn’t want the Christmas book that mommy’s gonna read. Instead, she wants to know how mommy and daddy met, so we have our first flashback to 11 years ago at the Christmas tree lighting where Lieutenant Colby Aames with the Marine Corps Toy Drive is about to flip the switch. This year they have a noble fir tree which is considered the king of Christmas trees because its stiff branches can hold up so many lights.

But oh no! The lights on the tree don’t light up! For some reason Danielle is like “I’m gonna go help this man,” so she goes up to the stage and she’s like “hey, I can stall if you wanna go fix the circuit breaker or whatever. It’s one of my secret powers.”

Kyle

She is very fun. She danced in a previous scene.

Hallie

She did dance in a previous scene. In this scene she performs stand-up on the stage. She asks “what do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?”

Kyle

Why am I trying to figure this out?

Hallie

“The Elf-abet.” Nobody laughs. There are crickets in the audience. Audrey is like “but mommy, that’s really funny, and Danielle is like “you know what, I thought so too, but nobody else did… except for one person.”

We’re back in the flashback. ‘What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?” Colby answers, “the abdominal snowman.”

Kyle

You know, I liked the first one, now it’s going downhill real fast.

Hallie

It really is.

Kyle

This is like me making puns. You get one win and then it’s just downhill from there.

Hallie

You cannot come back from that. So Colby takes the mic back, thanks Danielle for her time, and then the tree gets lit up. It’s fine.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

And Colby and Danielle introduce themselves to each other. Colby is like “oh, this is my friend Pierce whose new toy company donated a lot of toys to our toy drive. We’re buddies.” Yeah, they met on the same night. Isn’t that great?

Kyle

Pierce! Pierce, buddy, no. No!

Hallie

[Laughs.] Later, Danielle is like “I met  your daddy and Pierce that night.” Then she’s like “the first time I saw daddy, I had butterflies in my stomach,” and her seven-year-old daughter says “you ate butterflies?” I just feel like seven is too old for that. They’re really trying to cute the child up.

Kyle

I’m still caught up on, sure, if you break up with someone or somebody dies, there’s no reason that you can’t date someone who was their friend because you’re probably mutual friends, but like, I’m just… this feels wrong.

[00:10:00]

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

This feels incredibly wrong.

Hallie

Don’t worry, nobody points this out the whole movie. You can sit there alone in your misery.

Kyle

Like, a deleted scene. Pierce goes back to his Seussical vehicle, he suddenly has a long mustache out of nowhere and he starts twirling it. “Maybe he will have an accident overseas!”

Hallie

It feels like Hamlet, doesn’t it? It feels like Hallmark has unintentionally referenced Hamlet in a way they don’t really want to be.

Kyle

Her dad comes to her in a dream.

Hallie

Ha! “You have to kill Pierce.”

Kyle

“You must kill Pierce.” Meanwhile, there’s a rival toy company that wants to take over their toy company but everyone’s too worried about internal politics to stop WALMART.

Hallie

Oh my god. I would watch that Hallmark movie. Hallmark executives, if you’re listening, make a Hamlet Hallmark. Please.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

So that night ends. Danielle is like “Christmas is a magical time of year because it’s around Audrey’s birthday, it’s when mom and dad met and when they got married, and it’s when their dog Star came into their lives.” So yeah, the bedtime story thing has been established by this point.

Danielle goes out to see the Christmas lights that Pierce has been hanging up, and she’s like “they’re beautiful!”

Pierce says “you’re beautiful,” and then he proposes.

Kyle

Okay, cool. Good for him.

Hallie

Yeah, it’s nice. Instead of saying yes, she asks if she can talk to Audrey about it first. Pierce looks a little taken aback but says “yeah, of course.”

Danielle talks to Audrey the next morning. Audrey’s exact response verbatim is “um… I guess it’s okay. he’s super nice.” Super nice Pierce shows up next scene with a stuffed bear to which Audrey replies “I already have a bear. It used to play my daddy singing Silent Night, but it broke.”

Kyle

[Delighted.] Oh my god!

Hallie

I love her. She is so mean so accidentally.

Kyle

I’m excited for that bear to sing to her right before Pierce takes her to a dance. Unless Pierce is really messed up and he does his own voice instead, which that’s what I’m rooting for. That’s the ending I want, but it’s because it’s the bad one.

Hallie

[Smirking.] Okay. I’ll keep that in mind.

Kyle

Oh no.

Hallie

So, Danielle finally puts on the ring now that Audrey has given her permission, and the merry-do family of three goes Christmas tree shopping. What luck! The salesman just got a new shipment of what they call the king of Christmas trees. Danielle and Audrey share a look. “But mommy, isn’t that what daddy called these trees?”

She says “yeah, honey.” Then, in the very next scene, Danielle sees a man who looks a lot like Colby from the back which would have made a lot more of an impression if we the audience had ever seen Colby from the back, but we have seen him in one scene leading up to this and it was the flashback where he was presenting onstage. So, we get it, she thinks this man is Colby, it’s just like ‘oh, that really looks like Colby,’ but… whatever Hallmark, it’s fine. It’s fun.

So Audrey declares it’s the perfect Christmas tree when they’re putting it up. Oh, I’m sorry. She declares that it is not the perfect Christmas tree because it’s missing daddy’s ornament, that one that’s been missing for three years that they can’t find.

Kyle

Oh yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Hallie

But, before she goes up for bed, Audrey asks Pierce if he would take her to the Christmas dance.

Kyle

[Gasps.]

Hallie

I know! This is a genuinely—

Kyle

That’s exciting.

Hallie

It is exciting. It’s a very touching moment. After Audrey goes up, Pierce says that she just made his Christmas. He’s so excited. Danielle warns Pierce, “it’s gonna be three hours of nothing but boy bands and tween girls.”

Pierce replies, “bring it on, they ain’t seen nothing like me.”

Kyle

I’m curious how this is gonna happen once the ghost of her father appears to take her to the dance.

Hallie

[Laughs.] What does that mean, “they ain’t seen nothing like me”? What are you talking about, Pierce?! They’ve seen plenty men.

Kyle

“They’ve seen plenty men.”

Hallie

Like, you are nothing special. Alright, whatever. Audrey asks for another story about daddy, specifically about the ornament. She’s really hung up on that one. The ornament flashback was one Christmas morning about a year after Danielle and Colby met. They’re opening gifts and Colby’s like “I have one more, but it’s not really a present, it’s more of a commitment.”

It’s a puppy! It’s to keep her company when he’s deployed. The puppy has a collar that’s a ribbon with a little bell hanging on it and a ring! Colby stresses that he’s never loved anyone this much, and he knows the military life is hard. But you know, does Danielle want it? And she does.

Then he’s like, “we met on Christmas, so Christmas felt like the perfect day to ask, and I want to spend every Christmas with you for the rest of my life.” Then, the dog collar, he took off the ribbon, he ties it at the end in a loop and it’s their first Christmas ornament!

[00:15:00]

And then Danielle names the puppy Star, because it’s Christmas.

Kyle

Of course. Wait, so they took the collar and made it the ornament?

Hallie

So, it’s not really a collar, it was just a ribbon tied around the dog’s neck instead of a real collar.

Kyle

Oh! Okay.

Hallie

It took me two watches to understand that. I can’t… I was so confused about where this ornament came from.

Kyle

I was like, dogs need collars.

Hallie

I know. It’s just, he was a puppy and it was his first day at home.

Kyle

When you said he appeared, I’m like I guess the dog’s dead too, because they needed the collar.

Hallie

They needed the collar. No, Star is still there. Star is just an adult puppy now. What some people call a dog, but I do not.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

The next day, Star finds the ornament under the couch!

Kyle

[Gasps.]

Hallie

Weird, right? Danielle has looked there so many times. How did it get there? So, she’s really out of it at the toy drive later and her friend Sophia is like “what’s going on?”

Danielle says, “do you believe in signs?”

Sophia says, “like, things written in the stars kind of signs?”

And Danielle says, “like someone or something is trying to send you a message.”

To which Sophia replies, “uh, okay, I think we’re talking in code now. Do you wanna tell me what’s going on there, Nancy Drew?” Because she’s funny. She’s the comic relief.

Kyle

I literally thought of two different terrible jokes I expected it to go, and somehow by not doing either it’s so much worse. I thought it would be like “signs? Oh, you mean like a stop sign or Wallace Street over there?” Like someone’s trying to send you a message. “Oh boy, all the emails from kids’ parents.” Those are both bad, but they’re SOMETHING.

Hallie

They’re something. This is just like, ‘are we talking in code,’ no, she’s been pretty clear about what she tells you. Whatever. Danielle tells her about everything that’s happening and Sophia’s like “oh, they’re coincidences. Also, you just got engaged, so it’s possible you’re feeling a little bit of guilt. You shouldn’t, but I know that is natural to feel for many widows moving on.”

So whatever. We’re back at home. Pierce, Danielle, Jane – Danielle’s sister, and Audrey are in the kitchen. Audrey has finished making a little snowman ornament and then she’s like, “since we have a noble fir, we can hang as many ornaments on it as we like, just like daddy said.”

For some reason an awkward silence falls and Pierce looks uncomfortable, so he asks Audrey if she knows what she’s going to wear to the dance, and Audrey’s like “mommy bought me a new dress.”

Pierce says, “well I’m gonna wear a red and green tie with little dancing Santas on it.”

Audrey, bless her, responds “cool~! Come on, Auntie Jane, let’s go hang these up.”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

The way she says it is so condescending and so patronizing. Like, she is humoring this adult man who’s like ‘your dad had a story about Christmas trees? I’m gonna wear a Santa tie.’

Kyle

How old is she?

Hallie

Seven. She turns eight during the movie.

Kyle

She’s gonna dominate in life.

Hallie

Absolutely. I wish the best for Audrey. Bless her. “Cool~!”

Kyle

I want a coming of age story starring a teenage Audrey just girl-bossing through high school.

Hallie

Right? Just tell that girl who made fun of you something like “cool~! Let’s go hang these up.”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

“I already have a bear…”

Kyle

You’re doing kind of a Nancy Drew voice…

Hallie

Oh no!

Kyle

…so I’m just imagining her as power plays doing the thing in the Nancy Drew game where she calls a phone. “Hey, what’s up?! Okay, goodbye!” Slams it down.

Hallie

So Pierce asks Danielle, “hey, everything okay?”

And Danielle is like, “oh, you know, Audrey’s asking and we’re both just remember a lot of things about Colby, which I know is the last thing you wanna hear.”

And then Pierce is like, “no, you can talk about him any time. I understand. I miss Colby too. He was my friend.”

Kyle

[Severe.] But then he got in the way.

Hallie

So whatever. Danielle is like, “we should focus on our future,” and Pierce starts to talk about looking for a school district for Audrey and moving somewhere else because his condo is too small. Danielle is like, “oh, I guess if I do get remarried, we have to move off the base. I hadn’t even thought of that.” But whatever. He’s like, literally none of these decisions need to be made right now. It’s fine.

Then he makes a joke about retiring in Florida and she’s like HUH, and he’s like ‘I was joking, it’s fine, I was joking,’ and she laughs like he got her really good, and it bothered me so I said it.

Kyle

I don’t… I don’t get it. I don’t get it!

Hallie

Because he’s planning. Because he’s planning a lot.

Kyle

Oh! Okay.

Hallie

And she was like, ‘oh, I hadn’t even thought about that,’ and he was like ‘oh, this is just preliminary stuff.’

Because he talked to a realtor. I forgot to say that. He was like, “I hope you don’t mind, I have already been in talks with a realtor just to see what’s around.” She was like, oh…

Kyle

“I inherited a wealthy fortune from my dead friend whose will miraculously focused on me after he died. I don't know why he did that.”

Hallie

Not relevant. His wife and child were right there, but whatever.

Kyle

Yeah, you know. His handwriting got real bad in old… age.

[00:20:00]

Hallie

He was like 30-something.

Kyle

That’s why it looks different.

Hallie

[Laughs.] So tonight’s bedtime story is about their wedding, because Audrey was looking at an old picture. “Who’s this?”

“Oh, that’s the flower girl. Her name was Jenny, and she was the daughter of a friend of Colby’s,” but Danielle hasn’t seen Jenny or her mom, Lisa, in years. There was nothing notable about this wedding scene except that they got married on Christmas Eve, because F#$% your families and friends. Right? Who live a military lifestyle and already don’t get to do a lot of things that other people get to do, because their time isn’t always theirs.

Yeah, let’s just get married on Christmas Eve with all these soldier people who are back, probably wanting to see their families, but no, we’re getting married in this tiny little church where Colby is gonna promise a lifetime of Christmases and he’s always gonna find his way home to her. Then he promises to always laugh at her jokes, and she responds by listening “lair,” which is weird because he’s never really laughed at her jokes. He just got that one right and then they hit it off.

Whatever! Then Danielle says one of the best lines in the movie. “Who would have thought that a short circuit would lead to a love like this?”

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

Said very genuinely. It gets points for being genuine, honestly.

Kyle

Yeah, okay, I’ll give them that one.

Hallie

We’ll give it. So, the next morning Danielle runs out to a café, and who does she run into but Lisa and Jenny, the people in her wedding! I know! So Lisa and Danielle sit down to chat, and Lisa mentions that she’s gotten married to someone else, and then Pierce walks in, and Lisa’s like “oh, are you two together?”

Danielle is like, “oh yeah, we’re engaged!” And it’s really awkward, and it doesn’t need to be. It’s awkward because Danielle didn’t tell her about the engagement and Lisa found out, but they’ve been talking for like three minutes, so it’s…

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

I don't know, man! They were just catching up. Lisa’s husband used to be in the same unit as Colby or whatever. So whatever. Lisa invites them to a s’mores and Christmas movie thing happening at her house.

Kyle

Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Hallie

And Pierce is like “we, “we can go after work if you want.”

Then Danielle is like “yeah, sure… okay.” And then Danielle complains about that later, because they’re waiting in line to see Santa with Audrey, and Danielle is telling Sophia this whole story. “I think Pierce felt awkward because I hadn’t told them we were engaged. You know?” And… whatever.

Kyle

But she did, the second—

Hallie

Eh? EH?!

Kyle

When you catch up with someone, is the first thing you’re gonna say “I’m engaged?” I mean, if you were excited about it, yeah probably, I’d probably say that. But still!

Hallie

[Laughs.] She asked about Audrey first in all that.

Kyle

And that makes sense, talk about your child.

Hallie

Talk about the child. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s whatever. But then she’s like, “then Pierce said yes to this movie thing before I had a chance to respond.” He turned to you and asked you. He put the ball in your court.

Kyle

You haven’t seen this woman in years.

Hallie

[Silly mocking sounds.] Whatever. Fine. So Audrey meets Santa! Do you know what she asked Santa for Christmas?

Kyle

Does she ask for her father?

Hallie

No.

Kyle

Oh.

Hallie

They did not go that route. I fully expected them to.

Kyle

Well, she’s been accepting Pierce a little bit, but I am fully expecting him, even though they’re slowly accepting him, to rip off the mask and be like “I’ve been Colby this whole time. I needed to leave the military.”

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oh-ho-ho. “I’ve been testing your loyalty.”

Kyle

“You failed!”

Hallie

No. What Audrey actually asked is: “Can you make my bear sing again with my daddy’s voice?”

Santa is confused and says “that might be tough, but we’ll do the best we can.” It’s a good Santa.

Kyle

I’ll give him points for that. Sure. Why not?

Hallie

Yeah, good Santa. So then we go to the party at night and nothing happens there except that a weird remix of Joy to the World plays. Then Danielle, in an effort to shirk all this uncertainty about the past, is like you know what ,Pierce, let’s get a house, let’s set a date, let’s blah-blah-blah… and so they do that. Immediately after, Danielle talks to Lisa. “Hey, you were married to a soldier who died and then married a different guy. How was that for you? Were you experiencing all these things?”

And Lisa says, “yeah, I was experiencing everything to a tee. Everything you’re feeling is normal, including the feeling of being held back by something. The challenge to finding love again is realizing that no two relationships are the same. It’s okay to feel different with Pierce than you did with Colby because they’re different people.” It’s a good scene!

Kyle

Yeah, that’s very nice.

Hallie

It’s like, oh yeah, these things make sense.

Kyle

I’m very curious. Do they actually reference the weird ghost stuff? Because I could see her asking that and her being like “yeah, that’s exactly how it happened,” from the point of view of like, you know, you’re thinking more about your previous partner so things are popping up more.

[00:25:00]

But I can also just see her being like, “yes, the ghost stuff happened. Anyways, it’s really hard to move on, I understand.”

Hallie

An answer to your question. The night before Audrey’s birthday, the bedtime story is Danielle telling her the story of her birth. Danielle is at home during a snowstorm but is worried because Colby’s plane is due to land any minute. And oh no, her water just broke! Jane, her sister, calls for an ambulance, but the roads are really bad so the ambulance may not be able to make it through.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

And then Danielle is like “call Colby!” So she does, and Colby just landed, and they have some communication difficulties because there’s a snowstorm in the background. It’s very dramatic, but finally they get through like SHE’S HAVING THE BABY, and Colby jumps into a jeep and dashes off to the rescue, and that is it.

Kyle

[Laughs.] I was gonna joke when you said he got into a jeep. I was like, yeah, he’s gonna be fine, he and Pierce with the toy business they share have the Seussical vehicles that can go over—

Hallie

Yeah! He can get through. They get to the hospital. The baby is born, and they hang out with the baby the way you do after you just have one of those. And they’re like aww, she’s so cute! Audrey, we love her! And it’s cute, whatever.

The next morning, Audrey’s birthday, her eighth birthday… a snowstorm has come out of nowhere. WHAT? So, Sophia comes over and she’s like “isn’t this, like, weird? Isn’t this weird?”

And Sophia’s like, “it’s December, so you know… snow happens sometimes. Are you okay? Because you haven’t really been yourself.”

And Danielle is like, “doesn’t it bother you that Colby’s is the only body they never recovered from that accident?”

Kyle

[Shouting.] WHAT?! Hallmark! WHAT?!

Hallie

This is the first time we’re hearing about this! This is the first time we hear!

Kyle

How far into the movie are we?!

Hallie

We are halfway or a little over halfway through.

Kyle

Okay. Maybe I understand a little bit more why they waited until NOW to drop that.

Hallie

Yeah. His body was never recovered. So that’s dropped, and then Danielle hallucinates that Coby is the one singing Happy Birthday instead of Pierce when they’re giving Audrey her cake. Pierce is like, “hey, what were you talking about in the hallway to Sophia?”

And Danielle was like, “look, I’ve been seeing all these signs or whatever, and I’m gonna go talk to General Anderson about the crash again.” Then Pierce asks if they’re okay and she says “I think so, yes.” Not great vibes for Pierce.

Kyle

I’m waiting for this to be a movie that’s actually all about the perspective of the guy played by James Marsden in The Notebook.

Hallie

[Giggles.] So, Danielle goes to talk to the general. “Look, I was grieving when you told me that first time and I don't think I really processed it. Could you please explain exactly what happened again.

It was nighttime. A surfaced air missile hit the aircraft over the Gulf of Aden. Nine men from the unit and two pilots were found strapped to their seats. Colby was not found in the plane. In answer to Danielle’s questions, no, it is not possible that Colby was captured somewhere because insurgents claimed responsibility for the attack and all the deaths and didn’t mention any survivors. No, Colby could not have swam to shore because they sank like nine miles offshore, and all evidence suggests he was swept to the open sea which is why the military had him declared officially dead.

That night, Danielle goes to Pierce’s company Christmas party and coworkers are asking about their honeymoon plans. Danielle’s like ‘we haven’t thought about it yet,’ and Pierce is like ‘yeah, I’ve kinda been looking at beach destinations. I like the beach, it’s relaxing.’

Kyle

But it’s not Christmassy.

Hallie

It’s not Christmassy. That’s the first… Right? Yeah.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] If he’s not getting death flags, he’s getting Marsden flags. That’s what I’m gonna call them.

Hallie

He’s getting the… Yeah. Yeah. It gets worse, like immediately after, because the big boss man makes a speech. At the end he’s like, “I couldn’t leave everybody without one of my signature Christmas jokes.”

Kyle

Oh no.

Hallie

“What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?”

Kyle

The only answer I thought was gingerbread, but that’s not a pun.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Just more gingerbread!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

“A cookie sheet!” Danielle calls with delight from the crowd.

The boss is delighted and Pierce awkwardly laughs along with Danielle, and then he goes, “I’m sorry, his jokes are so annoying. Thank you for indulging him.”

And Danielle says, “oh, I actually thought it was kinda funny.” They share an awkward look and then Danielle goes to the bathroom.

Kyle

Alright, so we’re at flag number two now. There are probably more before it was revealed that the husband was still alive, but…

Hallie

[Laughs.] So Pierce drives Danielle home and he’s like “hey, we don’t have to go to the beach for our honeymoon.”

She’s like “no, you know what, the beach is relaxing. I could use relaxing.”

Then he’s like, “are you having second thoughts?”

And she says, “about the vacation?”

[00:30:00]

“No, the marriage.”

“Oh, no, everything’s fine.” And they have the same conversation they have had three times this movie about hey, everything good, and they’re like yeah of course, blah, blah, blah.

So, this night’s bedtime story is prompted by the question: “Mommy, when’s the last time you saw daddy?” It was over video chat. Colby was already deployed, and he was like ‘we’re going into a new zone or whatever.’ She’s like ‘be careful’ and he says “hey, I love you and Audrey more than anything. I left something for you.” But his video goes out before he can tell her what it is or where he left it.

Audrey is like “what was it?!”

And she’s like, “I don't know, I haven’t found it.” So then she talks with her sister, and she’s like “would Colby have approved of me and Pierce? Because he always said that, if he didn’t make it home, he wanted me to know I could move on.

And her sister’s like “yeah, you’re fine. He would have approved of you and Pierce, because Pierce treats you well,” all that stuff.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

She’s like, okay. SO she goes on a long walk, she talks to Colby, like “oh Colby, I don't know what to do,” you know, to the sky, but she’s in front of a Christmas tree. When she’s talking about how much she misses him and how scared she is and how giving into the marriage with Pierce feels like saying goodbye to him all over again… the Christmas tree lights go out.

Kyle

Wait. Does she say “giving in?”

Hallie

No. She doesn’t use that phrasing. I used that phrasing.

Kyle

Okay. I was gonna say, that’s… oof.

Hallie

That would have been worse. She means it, but she doesn’t say it. Whatever.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yeah.

Hallie

So the lights go out, and then they re-light up, and it’s like ‘ooh spooky!’ And there’s a toy drive party the next day. It is a rounding success. She thanks all of her friends. She’s like, “hey, thanks for helping me through this,” and says everything that we have heard before in multiple scenes—multiple scenes by the way that I haven’t even included in this run-down of what has happened. Whatever, it’s just another scene.

Then, her speech at the party has to do with treasuring the past, and Pierce looks worried. Later, she’s putting stuff away and she finds a note Colby left her in one of her journals. It just says ‘I love you, follow your heart.’ I mean, there’s more to it, it’s like a paragraph of that, but it’s just like… I love you, follow your heart.

The next morning she and Pierce meet for coffee and they awkwardly stumble over each other, like interrupting each other, being like ‘no, you go first.’

Kyle

They’re not in sync.

Hallie

They’re not in sync.

Kyle

They’re not in sync.

Hallie

Pierce finally goes first. He’s been thinking about how they’re in two different places in their lives because he’s looking at houses and retirement and she isn’t even ready to leave the base, and Danielle has been wondering the same thing. Pierce wants to be with somebody who wants to shout from the rooftops that they’re in love, and Danielle says he deserves that. Then they’re like ‘you know, we really make better friends.’

Kyle

I’m gonna give them credit that they didn’t wait until the end of the movie to do this.

Hallie

I mean, this is like five minutes away from the end of the movie.

Kyle

Oh, okay.

Hallie

Yeah, we’re getting close. We’re getting close.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

Danielle is gonna take Audrey to the dance because she’s like “I think Audrey and I need to do this together,” blah-blah-blah, but as they get ready for the dance, the news is on. The news states that the US Marine Corps Special Ops infiltrated an enemy compound in Yemen. Several prisoners have been rescued in the mission.

She calls General Anderson again and she’s like hey, could someone there have known Colby and be able to say ‘yeah, I saw him swept out to sea’ or whatever? And the general’s like no US military members are being held at the compound. I’m sorry, I’d like to help you move on, but I can’t. Sad.

Kyle

Why did they—Who were they rescuing?

Hallie

I don't know. You think Hallmark explained that? You think the news on this Hallmark station provided any context? Any context for an enemy compound raid in Yemen?

Kyle

Since when does the US Military care about somebody other than someone they’re killing or one of their own soldiers?

Hallie

Kyle… all is fair in love and Hallmark. I don't know what else to tell you.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Okay. Okay.

Hallie

Hallmark wants us to know the military cares about more than that.

Kyle

So they saved her dad in Yemen. By the way, how many years has it been?

Hallie

Three.

Kyle

Okay, so that’s pretty traumatizing.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kyle

Yeah, it’s gonna be a bad time.

Hallie

It’s gonna be a bad time. They go to the dance just before the father-daughter dance which is, for some reason, to Silent Night. Danielle goes to the bathroom to psych herself up, like you can do this, don’t cry, you can do this. So she’s coming out of the bathroom and lo, who is that man in military uniform standing in front of the door with his arms like this in the creepiest way possible? His back is to her. It can’t be. “Colby?” she says. He turns around.

I wish I could say it wasn’t Colby. I wish I could be like mega Hallmark twist, it’s Pierce again!

Kyle

Ma’am, I’m here to tell you about the unfortunate passing of your husband.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Ma’am.

Kyle

We got confirmation that he did in fact pass away.

Hallie

I decided this father-daughter dance was the best place to do it.

It’s Colby, he’s alive, here he is. They kiss tenderly.

[00:35:00]

Dramatic music plays in the background. He was captured and held at a compound, and then there was a raid, and he escaped before realizing it was the US forces who liberated him, and then he discovered that because he went to the embassy. I don't know.

He’s here, and he’s thought about her and Audrey every second of every day, and they go in to see Audrey because she was dancing with friends, and Audrey makes these really weird faces that I don’t like because I think the child was told to overact and then followed directions and they weren’t good directions.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

So then they dance to a different song because Silent Night is done, and that night they both put Audrey to bed. Audrey says, “you were right, mommy, the best things really do happen at Christmas.”

Kyle

[Big exhale.]

Hallie

Christmas Bedtime Stories!

Kyle

[Smiling.] This is not getting a lot of points from me.

Hallie

[Laughing.] I hope you enjoyed the movie, everyone who went to watch it and then listened to my very long but somehow still abbreviated version of this movie. I cannot stress how many scenes are just like ‘oh, I’m confused… you’re right ,it’s probably fine,’ in different words that don’t add anything new or advance the story. Until! “Doesn’t it bother you they never found Colby’s body?” Just coming out of nowhere. Hallmark fucking loves doing that.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Don’t move on, kids! Moving on is for bad people!

Hallie

Right? The thing about this movie is that the whole time it seems to be telegraphing move on, acceptance, it’s okay, it’ shard but it’s okay. The first time I was watching this I thought all the signs, like the Christmas tree and the ornament, were like Colby’s ghost being like “it’s okay, marry Pierce.” I thought that was what the message was.

Kyle

Yeah. I thought the ghost would appear at the end and the ghost is giving them the perfect Christmas or something.

Hallie

Yeah. I thought for sure something like that was gonna happen. But no, he’s just alive. He’s back.

Kyle

I’ll give them credit, it was a move to take the beginning part of a Hallmark movie where she’s living with a bad boyfriend and extending that for 55 minutes of the runtime.

Hallie

So much, until they were like “his body was never found!” I was like god d@#%. Like, I almost left that part out of my summary for you. I was like, wouldn’t it be funny if I somehow told him everything except the body? Like if I didn’t go into too much detail as I do for other scenes and was just like ‘oh, she has hesitations again,’ and it was like ‘oh, there’s Colby.’ But it’s so much more infuriating knowing that they telegraphed it this way.

Kyle

Yeah. The second I heard that I’m like oh no… oh no.

Hallie

Yeah. That’s why all your guesses were so funny.

Kyle

Alright, let’s rank it.

Hallie

Let’s rank it.

[Christmasy stinger plays.]

Kyle

Before we rank it though, I had a little segment I wanted to do where I go onto IMDB and I look up some trivia. There’s only one piece of trivia which is Scott Fee and Yvonne Schalle are a real-life television newscaster and meteorologist respectively as they portray in the movie. That was it. That was all.

Hallie

The meteorologist just says “hey, there’s a snowstorm,” in both the flashback and the present day, and then later the newscasters are like ‘we liberated the people in Yemen!’

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That is the only thing those people do.

Kyle

Anyways, that’s the only trivia they got, so I then looked to reviews.

Hallie

Oh wow. Okay.

Kyle

Most of them I couldn’t read. Most of them were marked as spoiler. I’m just gonna read some of my favorite titles, some of the first ones you see.

What the what? Bad tidings. One star.

Just hit me wrong. Five stars.

Not what I expected. One star.

This should be called Friend Zoned for Christmas. One star.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And then there were a lot of titles with ending comments, though my favorite is just “yikes, that ending.” Two stars.

Hallie

Yikes! Yup, that’s… yup.

Kyle

I’ll give the Hallmark community credit. They did not enjoy this ending.

Hallie

No, they did not, which is really funny to me. When I was looking it up, I was making sure this was the right movie because I didn’t catch the title the first time I saw it but knew this was the one I wanted to talk about, I was trying to find it by typing in, like, “bedtime stories little girl military hallmark.” I came across some person’s very informal review, but it was so… It was like, oh my god, we won’t talk about Pierce. He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s just not…

Kyle

He’s not Colby.

Hallie

He’s not Colby. Then, at the end, “dear reader, I am not kidding you, I sobbed.” I was like, no you didn’t, you’re a liar. You’re such a liar. This is… no.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright. What we’re about to do, we’re stealing from RexyPods here. Specifically we’re stealing from American Presidents: Totalus Rankium, because I just wanted a format to steal. So, we’ve got four main rounds. Hallie and I are going to go through each of these. We’re gonna rank the movie from 0 to 10. We’ve then got three bonus rounds where, based on whether or not the movie fits certain criteria, it can get additional points.

[00:40:00]

From there, we’ll get the movie’s true definitive empirical score, and then we’re going to rate whether it’s naughty or nice.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

Naughty meaning that it’s just really not noticeable, like there’s not much… don’t worry about it, while nice meaning that this, regardless of if it’s good or bad, deserves to be in the Hallmark canon. You gotta watch it as part of your viewing. So, let’s get to our first round.

Kyle (as Santa)

Ho, ho, ho! Merry marketability!

Kyle

Merry marketability is the one you’re going to expect. It is how Christmassy is this movie. Specifically, how much does it make you want to buy Hallmark products?

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

So we’re talking about things like the fact that they don’t have an artificial tree, or… that’s the main one I can think of right now. Hallie, as the expert, what vibes are you getting on this? Let’s talk about it a bit first and then we can come up with our rankings.

Hallie

Yeah. I don’t have a number exactly, but when you say Merry Marketability I think of the classic Hallmarks that’s like a small town in Vermont that makes syrup, and there’s one café where they make their coffee black and they make the best pumpkin pie you’ve ever had. Not only do they get a real tree, but at least one person scoffs at the idea of a fake tree.

That kind of thing doesn’t really happen in this movie. The decorations are nice, wonderful things happen around Christmas, Christmas is an integral part of the backdrop because so many important things have happened to this little family around Christmas, but nobody learns anything about Christmas. There’s no Scrooge who’s like “wow, maybe I’ve been a jackass this whole time.”

Kyle

No, it’s just Pierce. It’s poor Pierce.

Hallie

It’s just Pierce! And he is honestly fine. He’s really boring, but he’s… whatever. He and Danielle just don’t mesh, and it was kinda weird they were together in the first place, because he’s Colby’s friend.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

You know? So much of the lessons in the movie, if we can call it a lesson… doesn’t have to do with Christmas or opening up at the holidays or even having a novel Christmas experience. Although I suppose your dead husband coming back to a father-daughter dance is a novel Christmas experience.

Kyle

Yeah. I think I’ve got my score for this. Where are you thinking for score?

Hallie

I think I’ll go 3 just because they really do make an effort to insert the word Christmas everywhere. They really try to make Christmas a personal part of the people’s past, but nothing past that because there’s no depth to it really.

Kyle

I’m gonna give it a 3 as well, and here’s my argument. Listening from you, it sounds like it’s a very, very effective marketing movie. Unfortunately, the marketing isn’t for Christmas, it’s for the US Military.

Hallie

That’s correct! Yeah, the military part kind of overshadows any other small hometown vibes you could be getting, because they’re on a military base, not a small town in Vermont that makes syrup.

Kyle

Alright, so 3 and 3 combined, that is a 6 out of 20 for Merry marketability.

Hallie

A 6 out of 20 for Merry marketability.

Kyle (as Santa)

Ho, ho, ho! Carey-ism!

Kyle

Carey-ism, named after Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is You,’ is where I think… this one, this is gonna be an interesting conversation. How’s the romance?

Hallie

Ugh, man… okay. So, the first time I saw this movie, I only caught it like halfway through, or a little bit before halfway through. I didn’t really have a good gauge the first time because I watched the second Christmas memory, the one of him proposing to her with a puppy.

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

So I thought oh, what other cute memories did I miss? Did I miss any other cute memories? Are there things leading up to this? Like, I didn’t know how they met and stuff. And I was only half paying attention because I was working and doing other things, so I only saw a cute couple who’s sad and stuff like that.

So, I hate saying it, but there is an undeniable spark between Colby and Danielle. I was like, I like them. You know? The military sucks, but at least this cute little military couple is cute, because she teaches on the base and he wears nice sweaters, and he got her a puppy. At least spouse comes back from the dead is something that Hallmark hasn’t, to my knowledge, done so far. And that really adds to their whole thing.

Now, how their whole thing could have been better is if everything leading up to that didn’t read as a classic ‘struggling with moving on’ thing and was instead literally anything else.

Kyle

It’s interesting. I think not having Pierce there would have made it feel a lot less weird.

Hallie

Significantly so. If she was just living, you know.

Kyle

But also, halfway through when we revealed that the body was no longer there—and of course I knew there was a twist ending and I read the ‘friend zoned’ thing, but for me that still triggered “ah, Pierce is not the love interest.”

[00:45:00]

And I kept seeing ways they foreshadowed that in the earlier parts, like him not responding well to her talking about her dad or… There was another one. Oh, just the weirdness around the party and stuff.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

And I don't know how to rank that, because it means they did a very good job of making him less favorable compared to the main romantic lead.

Hallie

Right.

Kyle

But it also just means most of the movie you’re not feeling that lovey-dovey stuff.

Hallie

And the thing is, when they’re like ‘oh, we’re better as friends,’ they’re correct. They are good in the same scenes together, it’s just like… I don't know, you’re a bad couple. I’m simultaneously like Pierce isn’t right for you because he’s doing all these things while also being like, I don't know, these things seem completely normal to me and part of a functional relationship. “I’ve looked at the beach, but we don’t have to go there.” I don't know, these feel like real person things to say. Pierce puts me in a position where I am mad no matter what he does because the writing is bad.

Kyle

I’ve been flitting between 4 and 6. I think I’m gonna do a solid middle-of-the-road 5 because this is compelling, but also people were clearly very mad at the ending.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

So like, the romance couldn’t have been that good, and you spending half the movie with a good romance and half of it with a bad romance… I’m gonna give it middle-of-the-road. I’m gonna do 5.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

What are you feeling?

Hallie

I’m gonna go 4.

Kyle

Alright, so that is 9 for Carey-ism.

Kyle (as Santa)

Ho, ho, ho! The Hans Gruber Memorial Award for Compelling Conflict!

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle

The Hans Gruber Memorial Award for Compelling Conflict is talking about the conflict in the movie. Specifically, there might be a company trying to take something down, tear down Christmas, or you have to make a card or something. I know there’s a greeting card one. Or my personal favorite, you have been A Wonderful Life’d into a universe where you married this guy.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] Yeah.

Kyle

So that’s kind of what I’m talking about for conflict. Personally, I enjoy things that are either very much grounded in reality, like mean company wants to come in to make condos and take down this old building, or full-on magic.

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

So this is losing points for me already for Colby not being a ghost.

Hallie

Yeah, absolutely.

Kyle

If he was a ghost, this was gonna be like an 8 for me, probably.

Hallie

Ghost Colby would have been so cool. Even alive Colby with no Pierce, I would have been like ‘aw, this was great,’ but like… Pierce just kinda ruins things, huh?

Kyle

Yeah. So, I guess we gotta first isolate what the conflict here is. I would say, yeah, it’s just she’s not sure about this marriage crossed with magical reminders. I feel like the magical reminders is one of the big things. I don't know.

Hallie

So yes, but here is the thing. The conflict would have been dealing with the past trauma and then moving on with the help of your loved ones. It would have been up there. I would have been like wow Hallmark, good for you, 7 or 8.

Kyle

Very reasonable. Yeah.

Hallie

It can’t go that high anymore because it undoes all of that at the end.

Kyle

And it’s not like the Christmas magic needs a face, but it’s always better when the Christmas magic has a face.

Hallie

Yeah, there’s no face.

Kyle

The fact that it doesn’t is just weird to me.

Hallie

It’s just like the universe. Then, the conflict actually becomes Danielle listening to the universe, like will Danielle listen to the signs, will she follow her heart. But like, the signs, again, seemed to be telegraphing to me ‘Colby wants you to move on and be happy.’ So that part doesn’t even make sense to me as a conflict.

Kyle

Alright, I think I’ve got my score.

Hallie

Okay, I’ve got mine.

Kyle

Do you wanna go first since I went first last time?

Hallie

I’m giving it a 4 because it cannot go above 5. It absolutely can’t. But at least a lot of the conflict is about Audrey being like, ‘tell me stories about my dad,’ and Danielle finally being like, ‘yeah, I can do that,’ because she just hasn’t really talked about it as her own way of coping. The Audrey angle makes it a little bit better. Also, I appreciate that it’s not like an ‘I don’t want a new dad’ situation.

Kyle

That’s true. Yeah.

Hallie

She’s fine with Pierce. I was gonna give it a 3, but I gave her a point for “cool~!” and “I already have a bear. So 4 it is for me.

Kyle

[Laughs.] It’s gonna get a 2 for me. That’s  mostly because, if Colby was a ghost, it was gonna get an 8, so I’ll split the difference between 8 to 10 and put it down to 2. That means, for the Hans Gruber Memorial Award for Compelling Conflict, we have a 6.

Kyle (as Santa)

Ho, ho, ho! Fridge Placement!

[00:50:00]

Kyle

Fringe Placement is probably the most… It’s not the longest name, but it’s the longest to explain. So, each year you get a bunch of Christmas cards, and the really good ones go right on front of the fridge where the not-so-good ones go on the side of the fridge. This is all to say that we’re gonna rank the cover.

Hallie

Just the cover? That’s it? The cover?

Kyle

The cover, yeah. It’s the image one.

Hallie

Alright.

Kyle

I’m gonna first describe what we see here. What we see here is we see this woman and her child under a tent, classic kids’ book style. She has a flashlight on a magical book that her daughter is reading.

Hallie

Yeah, there are a lot of sparkles coming from that book.

Kyle

Which, none of this seems like how it probably actually is.

Hallie

They never actually read from the book. In fact, they make a big sign of putting the book away and then telling stories.

Kyle

Okay, so it’s losing points from that. Also, I just noticed we have a military man. I can’t tell if it’s Colby down there.

Hallie

Mm-hmm. That’s Colby.

Kyle

Yeah, okay. So, I want to talk about the positives first, because I have a feeling, as someone who watched it, you can pick apart the negatives more.

Hallie

Mm-hmm!

Kyle

I do like the setup. It’s got a fun Christmas bedtime stories vibe. Now, I’m already going into cons. Looking at it makes me think it’s gonna be an anthology.

Hallie

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

The one thing I really like about this is that, with the exception of the military man, you don’t see the romantic interest. At first I was like, well that’s weird, it’s usually just a man and a woman, or if they’re feeling spicy, a man and a man. I don't know if they’ve… They’ve probably done woman and woman too.

Hallie

Well… hmm. Hang on. Main characters, have they done that? Sometimes a sibling is gay.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

And sometimes a friend is gay. And there have been both gay and lesbian friends.

Kyle

In either case, I’ll give them credit. This does hide who the main love interest is. He’s technically on there, but because you don’t see him, they’re not false marketing. So, that earns points from me. The twist does not work at all in the context of the story, but I will give credit to the people making the poster for hiding it. I’m already seeing in your face that you’ve got thoughts, so it’s your turn.

Hallie

[Dramatic tone.] Well Kyle, the thing about hiding the plot twist is that this poster to me hides the entire plot.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Because, this setup? Very pretty. Love it. Love the colors, love the little tent thing they have while they’re reading under. It’s like when you make a tent fort, like a fort tent… a blanket fort. There you go, a blanket fort. Yeah.

Kyle

It sounds delightful.

Hallie

And you hang out underneath it and you read with a flashlight, which invokes in me adventure stories or fairy tales, something of that classic ilk, rather than ‘here’s how your dad and I met.’ That’s not what this is. And the book, open, looks like we are telling you actual fiction stories written by a different person.

In addition, the magic sparkles make it look like these stories are going to have an effect, which I guess they do because she sees all the signs with the ornaments and stuff, but this doesn’t evoke to me a mother sharing her past with her daughter and remembering someone they loved. This shares to me a mother and a daughter having fun with some stories.

The picture of the military man gives me the feeling that this man has either passed away or he is overseas and so they’re telling stories about him to keep him alive, but then the vibe I get is telling purposefully exaggerated stories to keep him alive. Like, “did you know the time your father fought a lion?”

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hallie

That’s what I would get from this poster, and that is not at all what the movie is. Also, I don't know what this basket is. They could have… I don't know what it is. There’s nothing in the movie that’s important there. But the bell ornament is on there! And that notebook that’s open, that’s where Colby’s note was hidden in.

Kyle

Okay, that’s something.

Hallie

So that’s nice, that’s specific, but these are all specific things I can now recognize having seen the movie. That, on a poster, doesn’t tell me anything about the vibes or what the movie is about, so these seem like silly things to choose to put on the poster. I don’t like it.

Kyle

Here’s my counterpoint, because I’ve been looking through some other Hallmark posters. It is not just a man and a woman. There’s my argument.

Hallie

Not just a man and a woman gets it like 2 points from me.

Kyle

Okay. What’s it getting from you?

Hallie

Um… it gets 4 because I really like the colors, and 2 from not a man and a woman, and 1 because it says the title. It’s like how you get 200 points for writing your name correctly on the SAT. It says the title and the actresses are on it.

[00:55:00]

And it looks pretty. You know, it’s gotta look pretty.

Kyle

It gets an 8 from me.

Hallie

[Sighs.] It’s wrong, but okay.

Kyle

I just… I like it. I think I enjoy it.

Hallie

It’s wrong. It’s wrong! It looks like a better movie than it is.

Kyle

[Laughs.] So that’s 12 total, but this one we’re gonna cut in half, so that is going to be 6?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

Yes.

Kyle (as Santa)

Ho, ho, ho! Bonus!

Kyle

Now we’re gonna have some bonus rounds. Because we aren’t cutting in half like they are for Totalus Rankium, each bonus round is gonna be worth 2 points instead of 1, and some of them have multiple criteria. So, the first bonus round. Do the leads have Christmas names? Two points for each name. names are things like Christian and Holly. No, I don’t think neither of them do.

Hallie

No, not a single person.

Kyle

Alright. Next one, 2 points. Is there a tragic child?

Hallie

Yeah, Audrey’s a tragic child. Someone at school made fun of her for bringing her mom to the daddy-daughter dance.

Kyle

Now, here’s an interesting one. Bonus points if their tragedy is magically fixed through the power of Christmas spirit. So, it has to be it’s fixed and it’s through Christmas. So, if she went to the dance with… I actually joked to Emily before this, my wife. I said, so for example, if a kid had a dead dad and the new guy became a father figure, that wouldn’t count, but if the dad magically came back to life…

And I wasn’t sure. On one hand, he doesn’t come back to life. On the other hand, the final line claims that Christmas brought him back.

Hallie

I was gonna say, I’m gonna argue for it getting the bonus points because of the final line. “The best things really do happen at Christmas.” I think we have to give it.

Kyle

Okay. That’s 4 points. Finally, I didn’t write down Santa Claus here, I said: Is there specifically a magical or unsettling Santa Claus?

Hallie

No.

Kyle

And yeah, I don't think this Santa counts.

Hallie

No. This completely normal mall Santa handled a problem well and did not appear to have any actual magical powers nor were the signs attributed to anything besides the universe, so can’t give it here.

Kyle

Okay. I’ve tallied up all the points. That means Christmas Bedtime Stories, out of a possible 80 points, has 31.

Hallie

[Squeaking in delight.] Thirty-one out of 80?

Kyle

[Chuckling.] Congratulations, Christmas Bedtime Stories.

But! We have one more thing before we must wrap up, and that is we have to decide is this movie…

Kyle (as Santa)

Ho, ho, ho! Naughty or Nice!

Kyle

Naughty or Nice, as I said, again, is not is it bad or good, it’s… not only is it worth watching, is it required watching. If you are going through the Hallmark canon, is this something that is really notable worth watching.

Hallie

Earlier, when you said naughty was anything that’s not notable, I was like well, you could argue that it’s notable because ‘yikes, that ending.’

Kyle

The twist ending is really—That would be my argument.

Hallie

That would be my argument for it being a classic Hallmark, but we’ve also argued, like… we didn’t give it a lot of points in Merry Marketing because it didn’t have a lot of classic Hallmark Christmas stuff, and no one was named… Like, every other argument we’ve made except that it is notable because the ending is so yikes and nobody likes it. So, it would have to be a nice with an asterisk if we gave it nice?

Kyle

It’s tough. If we had seen more, since this one came out this year, so it would have been one of the last ones we saw, I would have had a much better gauge of how much worse does this get and how much weirder does this get. Ugh… the twist ending is all I can give it, yeah.

Hallie

Yeah. I don't know if that’s enough.

Kyle

Because it’s not weird, it’s not exceptionally good. It’s got a bad theme but a mundane bad theme. If this was the only one with a bad twist like this, I would argue it’s  nice. With how many movies Hallmark has made, I can’t in good faith assume this is the only one with a bad twist.

Hallie

What if we gave it nice, pending?

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Okay.

Hallie

Because we already broke our introduction format, so let’s also break the Naughty and Nice format before we even do a real one.

Kyle

[Laughs.] You know how Santa is checking his list and checking it twice? It’s going to get a “first check, nice.”

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And we’ll come back, and when we check this a second time, assuming we ever do, then we can decide.

Hallie

Assuming we check other Hallmark movies as well to see if there are any twists.

Kyle

Exactly. Yeah.

Hallie

I don't know of any off the top of my head, and I consider myself a Hallmark aficionado, but there are still many that I have not seen, so I would like to explore the canon a little bit more before we do the second checkmark on this one.

[01:00:00]

Kyle

Okay, so it is going to be First Check Nice. I guess that’s what we’ll call it.

Hallie

First Check Nice.

Kyle

Congratulations, Christmas Bedtime Stories. Oh god, that just means this movie is Pierce.

Hallie

Oh no! Oh no…!

Kyle

We’ll give it nice until such point that we find a better older movie.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Oh no.

Kyle

And that is Christmas Bedtime Stories. I hope you enjoyed our bonus episode going into revisiting Hallmarked from a new point of view, stealing another format, and just shoveling US Military propaganda at you for an hour and some change.

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

Our next episode, we’re gonna go back to roleplaying games after this.

[Rockabilly music begins.]

We’re actually going to have the finale of our first arc of Hereafter, so the first episode of that finale adventure. The State v Irene Hawthorne will be releasing in 2023 on Monday, January 9. But before we go, Hallie, do you have anything to tell the folks on this, the day after Christmas?

Hallie

Um… I hope your husband is alive, and that you have a merry Christmas together. May everybody find a missing living husband in their home this holiday season!

[Giggling.] This is all I wish for you for Christmas.

Kyle

Happy Holidays, everyone.

[Music swells and carries out to the bloopers.]

Kyle

[Intense voice.] This week on Hallmarked!

I’m not gonna do that.

Hallie

[Intense voice, nearly shouting.] Hallmarked!

Kyle

[Intense voice.] Christmas Bedtime Stories!

Hallie

[Intense voice.] Are you naughty or nice?

Kyle

Dun, dun, dun! I will probably do that for those.

[Santa voice.] Ho, ho, ho! Welcome to Hallmarked!

[Laughs.] Actually, Santa would work for the main rounds.

Hallie

That was a decent Santa.

Kyle

Ho, ho, ho! Wait, it’s just Meaghan’s voice. “Bah-ha-ha!”

Hallie

Oh yeah, that’s what it is also.

We will not be using real criteria. I cannot stress that enough.

Kyle

We’re using custom criteria, but this is… Do you see any other Hallmark ranking podcasts out there? No, this is the definitive—There actually might be one. But, this is still the definitive.

Hallie

Oh yeah, no, I meant real as in “is the cinematography good?”

Kyle

Oh, okay.

Hallie

“How much ennui is in it? Is it in black and white?” Like that.

[Laughs.] is it good? That’s not being asked here. No, of course not.

Kyle

Now I wanna do a sh!##% criterion collection podcast where we do just a bunch of pretentious things, like is it in black and white. How much of the language is in French? Not another language, French specifically.

Hallie

Specifically French. How many times does the man drink whiskey? I would… yes. We’re gonna table that. Listeners, you heard it here first. Not only have we subverted our own format before doing our own format, we now have a second podcast, a third podcast, a fourth if we count Hallmarked 1.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

I’m gonna see, before they did the original channel movies—keep going, I’m gonna see if they did Hamlet. They did The Tempest.

Hallie

Yeah, do that.

Kyle

I’m gonna put the post-credits, but they did make a Hallmark back in 2000.

Hallie

[Drawn-out squeak.]

Kyle

It’s got this really just generic-looking white guy staring at a skull.

Hallie

That could be any man off the street!

Kyle

He looks like he’s just wearing two white office t-shirts, one of which has been more unbuttoned than the other.

Hallie

Look at those buttons that were definitely not made in the 50s. That tree! Oh my god, I love it.

Kyle

William Shakespeare’s immortal classic of love, hate, murder and revenge. It was made by Hallmark Entertainment. So, not a Hallmark Channel Original Movie I don’t think, but…

Hallie

It’s not an original, but I wanna see it.

Kyle

[Laughs.]