School Daze w/Hallie, Part 1

Transcript by Lily Mwangi

Tonight on a very special Quest Friends!

[Angsty rock intro music plays.]

Hallie

Hello everyone. Welcome to a very special episode of Quest Friends! Today I'm your GM Hallie, and we'll be playing the School Daze role-playing game by Tracy Barnett. This is set in a high school setting. So I'll get to our specific high school setting in a second, but first our players. Well, first is me. I'm the GM or the administrator as the School Daze's role-playing system refers to the GM. Uh, Hallie, my pronouns are she/her. 

Ari

Hello. I am Ari. My pronouns are also she/her.

Tom

I am Tom. My pronouns are he/him.

Emily

I am Emily. My pronouns are she/they.

Kyle

And I'm cool kid. The bad boy. The person who hangs out in the back of class and doesn't answer until everyone else has first. I'm Kyle, he/him.

Emily

You have never been that person in your entire life.

Kyle

I'm so cool. This is—they always—high school is a chance to reinvent yourself. And I'm reinventing myself as someone who doesn't care for anything that matters.

Tom

Wow.

Kyle

'Cause I'm so cool.

Hallie

Good for you man.

Tom

You—you go.

Kyle

You can call me K-Dex.

Hallie

Okay.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

So way, way back in the 1980s secret government employees dug up famous guys and ladies and made amusing genetic copies. Those genetic copies are in high school now and go to Clone High. That is the summary of Clone High. I took the first four lines of the—of the theme song to explain the premise to anybody not familiar with Clone High.

Kyle

Commit to it. Give the whole thing. Whole thing.

Hallie

I can't. I can't do that. The next line is these clones are sexy teens now.

[Laughter.]

I can't do the whole—I can't do the whole song. But the four lines are such a good summary of what this is gonna be about. So our players already introduced themselves, but for such clones who go to Clone High are same order we did the name. So Ari's up first.

Ari

Oh no! Wow! I've played myself by doing this.

Hallie

[Laughs.] You played yourself.

Ari

I played myself. I am playing Gaius Plinius Secundus better known as Pliny the Elder, who was a Roman guy who wrote a lot of medicinal cures and died in Pompeii. That's all you need to know for now.

Hallie

Oh, and Pliny is he/him, right?

Ari

Oh yeah, he/him.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

I am playing Queen Zenobia the one time ruler of the briefly lived Palmyrene Empire before it got folded back up into the Romans and Queen B of this school now. Her pronouns are she/her.

Emily

I am playing Marcel Duchamp. He is an artist. And I specifically told myself that I had to be very careful because I could go very deep into the Dada art movement. But basically, it's like it—he's an artist. I'm really excited about art history and I'm trying not to talk about it.

[Laughter.]

Tom

No, please do.

Kyle

Go ahead.

Hallie

Give us one highlight of Marcel Duchamp's career.

Emily

Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, the highlight of his career was his like most famous type of art was called "Readymades." And they were like objects that he brought into a gallery and installed. So the one people probably think of is Duchamp's Fountain.

Hallie

Oh yeah.

Emily

Which is just a urinal that he put on its side and painted "R. Mutt" on. And so the Dada art movement is like all about moving away from traditional art and he was all about like intellectual experience rather than emotional with art. It's some interesting stuff. And, uh, his pronouns are he/him.

Kyle

Interesting art. But not the truest form of art. That wasn't the voice.

Emily

Goddamit.

Kyle

Orson Welles, he/him might just be the greatest filmmaker of all time creating the masterpiece, Citizen Kane, which was recently erroneously usurped by Paddington 2. I am taking the role of his heir, the greatest earth [Laughter.] filmmaker of all time. You can call me, Wells.

Tom

Great. Awesome.

Hallie

So these are our four clones at Clone High.

[00:05:01] 

And where at Clone High do these four clones find themselves on a Tuesday morning, approximately third period? They find themselves at the Industrial Arts Fair.

Emily

Yes!

Hallie

[Music starts.]

The Industrial Arts Fair is a big event for the school. It's like if the 1893 Chicago World Fair was in a gym. Opening day was yesterday and today is Tuesday and this event is supposed to go all week long and it's supposed to showcase student clubs and activities, allow you to socialize with your peers. And the best part is that because this is going on all week, you don't have to go to class. Instead, you have this like cool permanent science fair/fun fair-esque event where you can all just hang out and get to show off your cool exhibits and any, uh, activities or clubs you're a part of. So I know that we've already done the rounds of people saying things like four times, but we're gonna do it again because now that I've told you all where you're at, what's everybody doing at the Industrial Arts Fair?

Tom 

So obviously Zenobia is here promoting the good work of the student council, making sure that everyone's having fun at the Industrial Arts Fair, making sure that everything's going according to plan. Everybody's got the snacks, shaking lots of hands, mentioning everyone.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Oh, be sure to vote in the upcoming student council election. I mean, I can't tell you what you should vote for, but you know, wink, wink. We have fun here.

[Laughter]

Kyle (as Wells)

Zenobia, could you turn just your head a little bit, a little bit this way? Hmm?

Tom (as Zenobia)

What's that, Wells?

Kyle (as Wells)

Your form is perfect, but I need to see the glowing expression you are giving everyone.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Well if you insist.

Tom

And she'll turn and do like a pose, like one leg up, two hands clap together like—like an anime character mid-jump.

Kyle (as Wells)

And Wells' frames are perfectly behind an even bigger masterpiece like wall mural like you have in churches like most stained glass, a giant stained glass mirror of her making that exact same pose. Because I'm doing the thing I'm always doing. I am running around taking videos of every prominent school member I can. My intent is as always to create the better version of Citizen Kane. And so I've been hunting around trying to find my Charlie Kane.

Emily

Better version of Citizen Kane has already been created and its famous Paddington.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Wells)

[Shouts.] Get out! Out of my school!

Emily

That was a random character who said that because Marcel didn't say that he's too busy with his other club members.

[Music starts]

And they are all doing very odd poses. They're dressed in tin foil and they're not speaking or moving. This is one of their many displays during this fair. My club is the Dada Art Club. It is better than the regular art club and it stands for Dudes Against Dull Art. [Hallie Laughs.] And we're very cool in our tin foil. Marcel will be robbing the fair later, but not today.

Hallie

Robbing the fair, like for art?

Emily

Just for random things.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] Just for stuff.

Emily

If somebody has, you know, a really cool lamp or a table that he could put upside down and write on or like, I don't know, a pen that he could stand straight up on a desk.

Hallie

You could probably find all those things here.

Emily

Yeah, but not yet.

Hallie

Not yet. 

Ari

Pliny meanwhile is in a little bit of a kind of secluded area of this fair with this other clone called Didius Julianus that seems to be having a te—really terrible case of the hiccups. And Pliny is kind of doing that like cinematography thing that you do with like the, um, square thing. You know, I'm doing it but I don't know how to represent it in podcast form with the square.

Hallie

With your hands—with your fingers in Ls.

Ari

The L things.

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

In front of him and then in front of these random horseshoe that is hung in the wall next to it and be like—

Ari (as Pliny)

Okay, okay. See what you have to do. Not right now. Right now it doesn't help. Right now we really can't do anything for you. But next time that you have the hiccups, you have to remember where that horseshoe is exactly. It's precisely in this corner. Secluded in this. You cannot tell anybody. Not everybody can tell about it, but next time you have the hiccups, if you focus on where that horseshoe is, I guarantee that your hiccups will go away immediately. It's a thousand percent reliable cure. Pliny verified.

Hallie (as Didius)

Do I—do I get to take the horseshoe?

Ari (as Pliny)

No, no, no, no. The horseshoe has to stay there because otherwise if you move it out of place, then after when you have the hiccups again, it won't be on that same place and you will still have the hiccups. It has to remain here.

[00:10:03] 

Hallie (as Didius)

But—but so—so I just remember that it's here?

Ari (as Pliny)

Yes. Except—precisely you are such a good student, Didius. You precisely have to that remember that this horseshoe is here in your dire time of need.

Hallie (as Didius) 

Okay. [Hiccups.] Okay. [Hiccups.]

Hallie

He wanders off hiccupping and like jumping in time cartoonishly with each of his hiccup.

Ari (as Pliny)

Uh, another satisfied customer.

Hallie 

So everybody's having a great time at this Industrial Arts Fair and there is a stage in the middle of the gym and, um, Principal Scudworth, the principal of Clone High takes the stage and taps on the mic and it makes that really annoying like [Microphone feedback.] sound like a microphone makes. And he's like…

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

Attention Student body of Clone High. I hope everyone having a lovely time at the Industrial Arts Fair. I'd like to once again thank the PTO and the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures for their support and allowing me to keep this event open, to show certain people that I'm the best principal ever. And I can throw an engaging awesome educational adventure for my students. However…

Hallie

The infers induced newspaper.

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

[Whimsical music]

It has come to my attention that it's the swath of positive reviews of this event, one miserable little curmudgeon has left a negative review and per the conditions of my bet with John Stamos. [Kyle laughs.] I must now cancel the Industrial Arts Fair. Everybody pack it up! He said, "One bad review and oh, Scudsy! Scudworth! You have to cancel. Adhere with this jet black hair and winning smile." He just wins everything, doesn't he? Just like life on a silver platter handed to be John Stamos! I have to cancel and everyone has to go back to class. You know what? Take this lesson. Life is a journey of hopeless endeavors. That is—that is the lesson I pass onto you the cloned youth of today. And you know what? Why stop at the Industrial Arts Fair? Why not cancel prom and—and post prom and the student council election? Why not cancel—this is just the tipping point.

Tom

Zenobia is already like running up in front of the stage to be like…

Tom (as Zenobia)

Well, thank you so much for that encouraging message, Principal Scudworth. Um, everyone let—let's work together to get everything cleaned up for now. And, uh, there will be future announcements from school administration and the student council about events coming up.

Emily (as Dada Club boys)

[Cries.] Whoa, whoa, who is us the pathetic few who wish to display our creative talent to the world. Whoa.

Emily

The boys of the Dada Club. Howl in unison?

Ari (as Pliny)

You know, Mr. Principal, I heard that if you blanched your hands in hot water, you will get a little bit less angry. So you should really try it. But you should add some—some cinnamon in it first.

Hallie

Principal Scudworth is having a full-on breakdown now and he is like rolling around on the stage in tears. And he's like…

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

[Frustrated.] Are my tears hot enough? Not as hot as John Stamos!

Kyle

And as we look over to Scudworth, we can just see Wells arm in arm with him sobbing deeply as well because he also know…

Kyle (as Wells)

I also know the trouble of a single bad review.

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

Oh my sweet Orson Wells! Have you also been single-handedly undone by Mae Tinee?

Kyle (as Wells)

[Crying.] Call me Wells. It's cooler.

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

It's cooler.

[Crying.]

Unless someone tracks down this Mae Tinee to make them retract their negative review. I've lost it bet with John Stamos!

[Laughter.]

Tom

So Zenobia is watching all of this like with, you know, how you—you clap your fingers together in like a triangle, like under your chin, like…

Tom (as Zenobia)

Uh, Principal Scudworth, just a quick question, uh, is—is the bet with John Stamos actually really binding for the school? I-I mean I feel like we can probably get away with letting the event go on. I mean, who even post reviews in newspapers anymore?

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

[Frustrated.] The PTO!

Hallie

And he unfurls the newspaper again, and you see a lot of like signed by like parents that you recognize. Everybody's got foster parents at Clone High, uh, who are randos and the one at the bottom just says, "This fair sucks." Signed Mae Tinee. He says…

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

I signed the contract! I even got it notarized. It's done!

[Exasperated.] Stamos!

Tom (as Zenobia)

Okay. Okay. Why don't we, um, why don't we get you back to the—the teacher lounge, Principal Scudworth and then, uh, leave it up to the student council. We'll make sure that this is a 100% five-star review, guaranteed.

Hallie

He grasps your shoulders and says…

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

Zenobia, Queen! You would do that?

[00:15:01] 

Tom (as Zenobia)

Uh, yeah. Yeah. If it—if it means not canceling prom or student election. But you know, student council election, it—it's kind of an important thing for the school as a whole. I-I think it's kind of important that we—that we keep the school functioning as it should, right? As—as a place of learning for all students.

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

A place of learning for all students. That's what I told Stamos!

[Somber music]

[Emotional.] Queen/Zenobia. Zenobia, Queen. I don't have a vote, but if I did you would have it.

Tom (as Zenobia)

I know Principal Scudworth. I know.

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

[Sobbing.]

Hallie

He throws his arm over his—over his face, and just like…

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

[Sobbing.] Mr. Butlertron!

Hallie

[Music ends]

And he calls for the vice principal, Mr. Butlertron, who was a robot who wears a sweater vest.

[Laughter.]

These are real characters from the show I stole.

Tom

Zenobia is going to yank Wells off the floor, drag him down amidst the band of students and just say…

Tom (as Zenobia)

All right. All right. Gather around nerds. Gather around. Yep! You too Pliny. Yep! You too Marcel. Come on, get in here. So, um, when I said the student council would resolve this, what I actually meant was, I'm getting you nerds to help me out with this because you're all such good friends! And also I can't really be certain of where everyone's loyalties lie in [Sucks in air.] in the wake of everything, you know? And just haven't—we haven't had those conversations yet, but you guys know I can rely on you.

Emily (as Marcel)

My loyalty is with less governmental oversight.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Do you wanna save your Industrial Arts Fair or not Marcel?

Emily (as Marcel)

[Deep sigh.] Yes.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Yeah, I thought so. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. [Soft music] Gonna track down this Mae Tinee. We're going to ask them very politely to maybe reconsider their review. Maybe it was a little bit hasty 'cause the event is not over yet. Ask them why they put it in a newspaper instead of, I don't know, literally any other medium.

Kyle (as Wells)

Newspapers are one of the most powerful mediums for getting your message across. Second only to film.

Tom (as Zenobia)

That's nuts.

Ari (as Pliny)

I disagree. I would say that I think scrolls are the way to go. Scrolls and a—and a—and a quill are the best way to get information sent.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Okay.

Emily (as Marcel)

The internet. It's the future.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Thank you. Thank you, Marcel. I can't—thank you.

Kyle (as Wells)

I know not of this internet that you speak. My parents only gave me a flip phone. [Laughter.] I listen to music on an iPod shuffle. [Laughter.] Do you know the last time they made an iPod shuffle? I don't because I don't have access to the internet.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Pliny)

This is a good point. I should—I should start, uh, thinking about the medical properties of things that lie between nets. That is something that I have not thought about. So thank you for that information. Something between the nets.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Look, it's just—it's very important that we as a group come together and do this because that's what—that's what our time here at Clone High is all about. You know, plucky of ventures, saving the Industrial Arts Fair along with all other student activities for the rest of the year. Uh, not letting Aurelion solve it first. Uh, and just being really good friends.

Ari (as Pliny)

And make sure that people are as healthy as they can be. Which it's only possible with items from the Industrial Arts fair.

Kyle (as Wells)

Now Aurelion now that's someone to talk to. You know, I asked him to be in my remake of Citizen Kane! Kane with an exclamation point. I thought he would make the perfect Charlie Kane and really capture that tortured, powerful soul... Sorry, I was just rewatching the movie that I have yet to make in my mind. I think it is a how—how you say, uh, 10 out of 10.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Okay. So what I need everyone to do is I'm going to quickly—I'm gonna quickly text the girls from my club to see if they know, 'cause this is—this is what? This is a parent presumably? Is this is a real name? I...

Tom

Zenobia is like, trying to look at this newspaper and see like... what—what is this even supposed to be? Like are these reviews from parents, from students? What's going on here?

Hallie

Um, some of them are from parents, some of them are from students, some of them are from like actual media people in the community. It was like an opening day thing. So it's like opening day of the Industrial Arts Fair.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Okay, we need to figure out if we have ever heard of anyone here who has this name or a name kind of like it. And we're just—we're just gonna use our different non-intersecting social spheres to figure out, uh, to reach as many people as possible.

Emily (as Marcel)

I don't have a social sphere.

Tom (as Zenobia)

So I'm—I'm gonna go text the girls. You guys get in touch with everyone you know. We—we—we'll just find who they are and we'll meet back here in like, uh, few minutes.

Kyle (as Wells)

Perfect. Perfect. You know, I think Aurelion would be very helpful for this. I know you don't want—

Tom (as Zenobia)

No. No. Mm-mmh.

Kyle (as Wells)

You know, do you—do you have his number? I'm—I'm happy to call.

[00:20:01] 

Tom

Zenobia grabs you by the scruff of your fucking shirt, drags you into her face, and says...

Tom (as Zenobia)

You're gonna cut that shit out right now! Right now! Don't you speak his name here, we're not talking to him. If you see Aurelion in the hallway, you—you walk the other fucking way. Okay? We clear on that? Hmm?

Kyle

Can we do an opposing role here?

Hallie

You absolutely can. I was just about to ask if you wanted to.

Kyle

'Cause I don't know if I wanna be intimidated by this or not. 

Hallie

Okay. Yeah. So I forgot to explain the rules of this game when I introduced it at the beginning. The rules are you use a D6 and you roll. And if it's a five or a six, you do the thing. Your roles are modified. Um, every character has ranks in a bunch of different stats, like bank meaning you're rich, or pranks, meaning you're good at playing pranks. There are a lot of other arc words that you can be good at and they will usually modify your role by a plus one or a minus one, depending on if you're good or bad. I think during character creation you have to choose one that you're bad at.

Tom

I think we're good and bad. Like both of them— all of them can be good or bad depending on the situation. 

Hallie

Oh, they each come with a good and bad. Okay.

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

I gotcha.

Kyle

Yeah. Like my frank, I'm to the point so I can blunder because I'm being too blunt.

Tom

You've got no filter?

Kyle

Yeah. But sometimes being blunt can be helpful. It is not in this case. I have been grabbed by the scruff of my neck, but you know.

Hallie

It is not. So basically you're each just gonna roll a D6 and let me look at your character sheets.

Tom

Well, I was gonna argue that my rank would come into play here.

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

My— my competitive nature.

Kyle

You know what? Sure. You wanna do that? I got ranked two baby! I'm making the greatest—

Tom (as Zenobia)

All right, but do you—but do you actually feel competitive about this?

Kyle 

[Softly.] No, I don't. [Laughter.] No, I really just want Aurelion's phone number. He seems super cool. And he'll like help me with my movie. You know, he came just like Charlie, Aurelion came from the foster system too.

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Shouting.] We all fucking did, Wells. You asshole!

Kyle

[Laughing.] I do wanna roll.

Hallie

Okay. So you're getting no modifications to your role and Tom's getting a plus one.

[Rolls.]

Tom

So that's a three for me.

Emily

Oh!

Kyle

That's a six baby!

Emily

Ohhh!

Hallie

Oh man!

Tom

Motherfucker!

Hallie

Zenobia, how do you— how do you— how does Orson Wells, uh, avoid being intimidated by Zenobia?

Kyle

We just continue the conversation where I'm like, he's in the foster system and we all are. It's like...

Kyle (as Wells)

Yes. I—I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Tom (as Zenobia)

You know what? I just realized we don't have any fucking time for this, so just gonna just take a deep breath and... 

Tom

Sweep her hair back into place and say...

Tom (as Zenobia)

All right. All right. Just, we'll talk about that later. But first I need you to reach out to any other film nerds or people who you enjoy spending time with who are not Aurelion and ask if they know someone with a name like this. Can you do that for me, Wells?

Kyle (as Wells)

Well, I never said I wouldn't do that.

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Cheerfully.] Thank you!

Tom

And Zenobia is like furiously texting now to see if anyone knows who the fuck this is.

Emily

What was the name again?

Hallie

Mae Tinee.

Emily

Mae Tinee. [Chuckles.]

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

Mae Tinee! God.

Emily

It's the most Phoenix—

[Laughter.]

Tom

I'm so glad this is another world in which pun names are perfect.

Kyle

As Zenobia is typing Wells just slowly leans over.

Kyle (as Wells)

So is that a maybe on the phone number?

Tom

She's going to like turn around slowly and it's like this shadows over eyes. Eyes wild, like scary look. And then a...

Tom (as Zenobia)

Maybe.

Emily 

I also need to text.

Hallie 

Who are you texting?

Emily 

Well, I have to unblock his number first and sigh hard because, you know, know who leaves bad reviews in the newspaper, my ex!

Hallie 

Uh, Marcel, as you fire off your text, you hear a little ding like somebody receiving a text on their phone and you turn around and...

Hallie (as Guillaume)

[Whimsical music]

Guillaume Apollinaire is right behind you.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Groans.]

Hallie (as Guillaume) 

Bonjour, Marcel. Ça va?

Emily (as Marcel)

Ça va mal! You dumped me, again.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

I did. I did. You have some—how we say? Personal work to work through.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Marcel)

You're— [Crying.] this is—it's just revenge for when I dumped you and I said that.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

Perhaps. Who can say certainly not to you.

[music stops]

[Laughter.]

Kyle

[Whimsical music]

I like the extended pause before the French laughter.

Tom

You paused to take a long drag of an imaginary cigarette that was not announced to the audience. So they had no way of—

[Hallie laughs.]

Emily

No, that's right.

Hallie

[Chuckling.] I didn't say it for the listeners at home. I am pretending to smoke a cigarette between two fingers because that is what Guillaume Apollinaire is doing. He's smoking in high school because it's cool.

[00:25:00] 

Tom

Disclaimer. Smoking is not actually cool, kids.

Hallie

Smoking is not actually cool, but we, um, don't—don't smoke in high school. Uh, uh.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

In high school specifically.

Hallie

I mean—I mean ever. But like it's different telling an adult not to live their life the way they want to than telling a child in high school not to do the thing. Anyway. Anyway. He'll say...

Hallie (as Guillaume)

It was me who was in charge of the reviews for the newspaper. I received the review sent anonymously and then I published it like any responsible journalist. Journalist.

Emily (as Marcel)

Okay, But you probably know 'cause you know things I guess.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

I know everything.

Kyle (as Wells)

And what on earth are you talking about this ethical journalism? Ethics has no place in our newsroom and you know that!

Emily (as Marcel)

He knows it.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

Ethics, a fancy word for I cannot do whatever I want all the time. And this time I wanted to do what I wanted to do, which was publish this review. It is good to have a variety of opinions. No. And everyone was raving about the Industrial Arts Fair. The magnifique all the reviews said fantastique all the reviews said. No! Someone was brave enough to say this is all fake. There is no...

Hallie

Turns pointedly to Marcel.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

Real art here.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Shocked, Upset.]

Uh—I—

Emily

Marcel is just beside himself, little upset noises but not quite able to get any words out. He's fuming.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

You'll do not pull off the tin foil the way you once did.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Upset.] I'm not supposed to look beautiful! That is not a qualification for true art. And you wouldn't know true art if it looked you in the face like it's doing right now.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

[Laughs.] Art is not about being beautiful. You sound like Oscar Wilde, but the opposite. That is just as aggravating.

[Kyle laughs.] You are very aggravating. I do not know why I came over here. But listen, listen, I have a tip about the Mae Tinee. I wanted to see the review published and I saw it published, but I do not wish the fair to actually close down. I did not know about this bet with Monsieur Stamos. And so I can tell you...

Hallie

And he takes out a manila envelope. That's how you say that word. Manila. Not manila. The way that I say it and people make fun of me for manila envelope.

Tom

I have never heard you say it that way before. I've never heard you say the word manila.

Hallie

It's—I—it doesn't come up in conversation much [Laughs] with you guys. With other people at work, it does. And then I get made fun of.

[Laughter.]

So it's manila and I really have to think about that the way I have to think about not turning an accent into an Italian one. So, uh, so, uh...

Hallie (as Guillaume)

Guillaume Apollinaire.

Hallie

He's gonna hand it to Marcel and then he moves it to the side and hands it to Zenobia.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

This is like the kind they have in the main office. The one next to the teacher's lounge. You can start there.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Thank you so much for your help, Guillaume. And remember: vote Zenobia.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

You are welcome - de rien.

Emily (as Marcel)

You just think you're cool but you're not!

Hallie (as Guillaume)

I know that I am cool, Marcel. Remember I know everything. For instance, I knew you still had my number.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Embarrassed.] I didn't.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Guillaume)

Then you ask someone for it?

Emily (as Marcel)

I know everything too. And so it came to me in a glorious stream of art.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

You was dreaming about my phone number for art. [Laughs.] Someone's not over me but how could you be?

Emily (as Marcel)

[Embarrassed.] Oh, well... I... um, I could do in that corner and maybe something on fire, but mostly just cry.

Tom

Zenobia is gonna go up and like pat Marcel's shoulders and like lead him away. Like...

Tom (as Zenobia)

Come on Marcel. There's dignity in knowing when to back off. You'll get him next time though. Don't worry.

Hallie (as Guillaume)

Au revoir, Marcel.

Hallie

And Guillaume we'll walk away leaving the four of you alone again.

Ari

He's walking away, Pliny is just going to like chuck a bottle of like a liquid that it seems like it has wine, but it has other probably stuff in it too. And he's gonna be like...

Ari (as Pliny)

In case you have any respiratory problems due to that smoke at some point, make sure to drink this. Don't question too much what's in it, but if you are really interested and it runs out, you can ask me and I can give you the details.

Ari

He's just like chuck a bottle that's just rolling towards him as he is walking away.

[Chuckling.]

Tom

Just yeet a bottle across the fair.

Ari

Just yeeting a bottle...

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Uh, Guillaume reaches out his and catches the bottle without turning around.

[Laughs.] And then says...

Hallie (as Guillaume) 

Merci beaucoup! I do like a fine wine.

[00:30:01] 

Underage drinking is cool.

Hallie

Underage drinking is not cool. Don't do it.

Kyle

[Soft music]

And we see just stars in Wells' eyes and he whispers to himself...

Kyle (as Wells)

Have I found my Charlie Kane?

Emily

No.

Kyle

He just runs off from the group chasing after this teen.

Hallie

This cool teen.

Kyle

Going...

Kyle (as Wells)

[Music ends]

Have you considered acting before? I can make you a star, the greater star of all time.

Kyle

And yeah, I'm gone. I'm gone with him.

Hallie

Okay.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Hey, hey, hey. Don't worry about Marcel. I understand probably better than you imagine what it's like to have someone in your life who is just [Angry.] so fucking infuriating. He just is so cool all the time. He knows exactly what to say to everyone. And if he sees you, he makes some witty dumb comment. And then you're thinking, Well, yeah, fuck you too buddy. And then everyone, everyone—all of his friends think, Oh wow, that wasn't a very good comeback. But you just need to know when to make a tactical retreat. Sometimes you have to pretend to surrender so that you can, you know, get him again when they're halfway across the world, you know.

Emily (as Marcel)

Oh no, I fully surrendered. His eyes are so beautiful.

[Laughter.]

So cruel.

Tom

She'll pat your shoulder again and say...

Tom (as Zenobia)

Yeah, you—you got it bad.

Emily (as Marcel)

I'm gonna go steal a toilet.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Zenobia)

You steal that toilet. I'm gonna go to the administrative office. Pliny, come on. 

Ari

Pliny was already heading to the administrative office, so. [Laughs.]

Kyle

So I'm excited for one of those like background gags where we just see one of the other characters walking past a bathroom and we just see Marcel with a crowbar just crying as he's prying in it off. [Crying.]

[music starts]

That's what's happening in a main episode of Clone High right now that's happening separate of this event.

Emily

Fucking yes.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Abe Lincoln just walks by.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Just sobbing, whacking the toilet with a wrench. He's not even trying to unscrew it.

[Music plays, 'Break Away' by Nick Ray]

Hallie

What's up everybody? Thanks for listening to my GMed one-shot run with these School Daze system by Tracy Barnett and played by all of the Quest Friends cast based heavily and entirely and unabashedly off of Clone High. It is in fact just a Clone High episode. So I hope you're enjoying our "adaptation." Anyway, it's Valentine's Day, and to celebrate, we've got Xoc and MISHA stuff all over the place. There is a Xosha image on our brand new Instagram account, which Mandy, our official artist is running. That brand new Instagram account is questfriendspodcast all one word 'cause that's how Instagram works. So I've been told, if you wanna look that up. We've also added a Xosha design to our merch store. You can buy it now or participate in our giveaway where we're giving away two shirts and there will be a post about Xosha on Twitter or Tumblr. And you'll have to retweet or reblog the post on your chosen platform, uh, commenting with your favorite Xoc and Misha moment to enter. The winners will be chosen in two weeks on Sunday, February 27th.

Kyle

Two days, uh, two days. It's—it's actually two days. I forgot to tell Hallie that I switched it to two days. So we'll actually be choosing the winners of that giveaway on the morning of Thursday, February 17th. So if you're interested in submitting, you're gonna wanna make sure to find one of those posts and reblog or retweet it sometime in the next two days. Those posts should be up sometime around morning USA time on Monday, likely after a lot of you have already listened to this.

Ari

School Daze part two will release on Monday, February 28th. But if you would like additional stuff before then you can find loads of content at patreon.com/questfriends. Uh, stories, artwork, behind-the-scenes stuff, you know, that kind of thing. So for instance, Patreon backers have gotten video outtakes from Mission Accomplished and a short story where Hopper tries his best to have a nice Valentine's Day. So if you're rooting for my boy, that's a good one to read. Anyway, thanks again for listening. Uh, we will cut back to the action and the drama now.

[Music plays, 'Break Away' by Nick Ray]

Hallie

All right, so we have—we have plenty and Zenobia go to the administrative office, or— sorry, Wells. Wells ran after Guillaume and Marcel's gonna go whack a toilet with a wrench. Since we're splitting the party I'm just gonna go in an order.

Emily

I'm sorry, Hallie.

Hallie

That's—I expected this honestly.

Kyle

Listen, we're imitating a TV show. You—you have your A plot and your B plot.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Honestly, this feels like it's working out exactly as it should.

Hallie

Don't worry about how it's working out. Uh, so—so I'm gonna handle the administrative office first. Zenobia and Pliny you walk into the administrative office and when the door like sounds or whatever, Mr. Butlertron emerges from one of the offices in the back and goes...

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

It's so nice to see you, Wesley.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Hello Mr. Butlertron .

Tom

And then whispering Pliny...

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Whispering.] Remember, good cop bad cap routine.

Ari (as Pliny)

Who is the good cop and who is the bad in this situation, Zenobia, Queen?

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Whispering.] I'll be good cop you'll be bad cop. Unless you feel like it—it should be the ever way around because I'm willing to work with you on that. But it feels like your cures just have this sort of, mmm, je ne sais quoi, you know.

Ari (as Pliny)

Oh, they're—they're certainly 100% efficient cures that are the best feels. I think I get what you mean. I have never been a good pretorian, bad pretorian. So this is going to be very interesting. [Chuckles.]

Tom (as Zenobia)

Yeah, so—so Mr. Butlertron, I was just doing a little bit of bookkeeping for the student council here and Pliny was helping me and we couldn't help but notice something odd. We think someone might have removed some school supplies from the office. Have you ever seen, um, this manila envelope before? Was this—did this belong to someone specific here in the office?

Hallie

He'll take the manila envelope in his little claw hands and go.

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

Why, yes, we have these envelopes all over, Wesley.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Do you know if this specific manila envelope though, was used by anyone in particular? Just, you know, out of curiosity, just to make sure it gets back to who it's supposed to. I just wanna make sure that everything's moving smoothly, you know?

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

Is it lost?

Tom (as Zenobia)

Oh, I think you could say that it—it—it probably should not have been where we found it.

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

I would hate for a student to be missing a manilla envelope, Weasley. Especially because so many asked for them last week.

[music starts]

Tom (as Zenobia)

I-I-I'm sorry, what?

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

You students and your manila envelopes, what will the next fad be?

Tom (as Zenobia)

What—what were people checking out manila envelopes for exactly?

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

I didn't ask.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Pliny—Pliny, did you know anything about manila envelopes? This is the first I've heard of it.

Ari (as Pliny)

I haven't registered any uses of manila envelopes for any of the different diseases. Although I would think that they will probably be really helpful with headaches if they are applied with a little bit of gallbladder of pig on top of the head. But...

Ari

And he's gonna turn to the robot and be like...

Ari  as Pliny

But if you don't tell us all of the information you know, I as the design bad guard of this group of two will make sure you have a bad situation. And because you are a robot, I do not have any cures for you. So you will be in a dire, dire situation.

[music stops]

I think I did a good job, Zenobia, Queen.

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Nervous] Mh-hmm.

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

Oh, are you threatening the vice principal, Wesley?

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Nervous] No, no, no, no, no, no. I-I think—I-I think maybe Pliny just misspoke there a little bit. We—we got a little overexcited trying to look for this manila envelope. Um, mm, mm, mm.

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

Do you want more manila envelopes?

Hallie 

And he's just like—he's throwing manila envelopes your way now.

Ari

Pliny will try to pick some and store them for future medicinal purposes.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Zenobia)

Oh thank so much Mr. Butlertron. Quick question. Was there anyone else passing out the manila envelopes or was it just you and the students?

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

Passing out. Passing out. No, but I remember the three students who asked for the envelopes.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Oh, who were they?

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

They were Pliny the younger.

Ari (as Pliny) 

Oh!

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

William Randolph Hearst. And Aurelion.

Tom

The manila envelope is just going to rip a little bit in Zenobia's hands.

[Chuckling.]

Ari 

Also in Pliny's hands when he hears that the other Pliny, the lesser Pliny is involved somehow in this plot over here.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Well, thank you so much for your help. We'll be sure to get in touch with them and make sure that they didn't lose this. Uh, see you later Mr. Butlertron.

Ari (as Pliny)

And watch your back.

Ari

Trying to be intimidating.

[00:40:01] 

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

Okay.

Hallie

And he is turning in circles. He's like...

Hallie as (Mr. Butlertron)

I can do that because I am a robot, Wesley.

Hallie

I'm probably gonna cut to Kyle next. But is there somewhere you wanna go?

Tom (as Zenobia)

Let's find Hearst.

Ari (as Pliny)

I—hopefully the lesser Pliny is with him. 'Cause we—I have some words to tell him.

Tom (as Zenobia)

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure we'll only need to interact with those two. Uh-huh.

Ari (as Pliny)

Oh, that's right. There is also Aurelion in the mix. Wasn't it, Zenobia, Queen? I think you forgot that name when you mentioned your list maybe Aurelion will be with them.

Tom

She's just gonna slam her fist to the wall. Like...

Tom (as Zenobia)

Let's just go find Hearst and Pliny. The other Pliny.

Hallie

And with that, Kyle, where are you on your way to? Where's Wells?

Kyle

So after discussing things with who may be my new Charlie Kane, I don't know if he accepted or not.

Hallie (as Guillaume) 

I will think about it. I am fluttered.

Hallie

Was the response.

Kyle

Well then over the moon, because that's better than a black eye. So it's better than Aurelion's response.

[Laughter.]

Yeah. I'm gonna go down to my—my newspaper room with the giant printing press and just, I wanna do a news report on this.

Kyle (as Wells)

This is sensational new news. No news. It—it is news this time.

Kyle

Uh, I know how to make the news.

Hallie

You do know how to make the news. So what are you—what's your goal here?

Kyle

So I first pull up my casting calls and then I put that to the side. Now is not the time for that.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

As we do, we have the little like ripple effect [Flashback.] flashback to a time where I had a little like tape recorder from the 80s.

[Hallie snorts.]

And I'm talking to a bunch of people back to back. But in this one I'm talking to Principal Scudworth. And I say...

Kyle (as Wells)

[Recorder clicks.]

Principal Scudworth, what are your thoughts on Paddington?

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

The Bear?

Kyle (as Wells)

The Bear, yes.

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

Oh, I love that bear. He's so wonderful. He's so polite and charming.

Kyle

My hand shakes and the cassette tape just cracks underneath it.

[Laughter.]

And I reached down and I pull out another one and I click the record button. I say...

Kyle (as Wells)

What was the name of that bear?

Hallie (as Principal Scudworth)

Paddington like the station. That's where his new family found him. I cried. Mr. Butlertron did too. It was a movie night last Friday.

Kyle (as Wells)

[Recorder stops.]

Thank you. That will be all.

Kyle

And as we ripple back out of that, a single tear going down Wells' cheek as he remembers. He puts down a newspaper. The headline is "Paddington... left A bad review for the Industrial Arts Fair." quoted from Principal Scudworth.

[Laughter]

We've blown the cover wide open. We've proven it all. And it's a bunch of things like that where it is quotes where I have taken prepositions and put them in the brackets, but maybe had them reference things that weren't technically true. And it's full of that thing where, you know, you take a quote, but then you do a ... to show that there were other parts of the quote missing to just compile together this mishmash of things. I just have like a dozen tape recorders that I'm just going through and piecing together. [Chuckles.]

Tom

I almost threw up a little bit in my mouth. I was laughing so hard, Kyle. [Chuckles softly.]

Hallie

Okay, as you're putting this masterpiece together, a very tired-looking high school-aged William Randolph Hearst enters the room and goes...

Hallie (as William)

What's all this about, Wells?

Hallie

And that's where we're cutting from your scene. Let's go to Marcel. Marcel. How—what are—how's—how's toilets going?

Emily (as Marcel)

No. Well because I’m still just hitting it with a wrench.

Hallie

You're not like using it constructively at all. You're just banging it hoping that something will happen.

Emily

While crying.

Kyle

Sobbing. [Sobs.]

Emily

Not even hard. Just like [Sobs.] Just like—Yeah.

Kyle

[Chuckles softly.] Tink.

Emily

Yes. Slow upset wax on the toilet with the wrench. He's like crouched on the bathroom floor hitting it. And he is still got his foil outfit with his foil hat and he's having a time.

Hallie

God bless. All right. Um, while you're in the bathroom, Abe Lincoln comes in and—

[Laughter.]

Emily

I don't know who I expected to come in, but I don't think it was Abe Lincoln.

Hallie

Neither did I. He wasn't supposed to be in this session. So Abe walks in and, um, is like—

Hallie (as Abe) 

Whoa, Marcel? This is the, uh, this is the, uh, third time this month. Are you having breakup troubles again?

[00:45:04] 

Emily (as Marcel)

Maybe?

Hallie (as Abe) 

[Deep sigh.]

Hallie

He does a deep sigh and then sits down next to you and like pulls his knees up to his chest and is just gonna hang out with you. And he's like...

Hallie (as Abe)

Cleo and I broke up again. She likes the weekends with JFK and then she likes me during the school week. And, you know, I'm not sure if that's okay anymore.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] It's not okay. If you're gonna be with someone, they should love you as much as you love them. It's like art. You know? My whole thing is about art being for the mind and—and—and—and intellectual thing, and that's all fine and good. Bu—but—but I feel the love for that idea in my heart. Everything comes from the heart. And so when someone goes for the heart, it destroys everything.

Hallie (as Abe)

[Crying.] It destroys everything.

Hallie

You've made Abe cry.

[Laughter.]

Emily

[Laughing.] The foil crinkles as I pat his knee.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

He does that really soft cry that people do on Clone High. It was like...

Hallie (as Abe)

[Sobbing softly.]

What a pair are we.

[Sobbing.]

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] I know.

Hallie (as Abe)

Why did you and Guillaume break up? He's so cool, Marcel.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] I know. Well, I didn't dump him this time. So I can't even be like, it's not you it's me in a way that's, you know, kinda cool. It's just like he was like, "It's not me it's you." And it was justified.

Hallie (as Abe)

That's what Cleo says every Friday.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] And it's like you break up and then you get back together and then you break up and one dumps the other and then the other dumps the other. And it's just hot and cold. And—and—and I-I like consistent weather.

[Emotional music]

I don't like the hot and cold. Like when you—when you do things like walk around outside with a metal frying pan and then all of a sudden it gets cold, it sticks to your hands. Or when you're wearing foil and it gets hot that you're really hot. It's like you just want the weather to be the same weather. He has such beautiful eyes.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Abe)

Same weather. Marcel, that's so deep.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] Thank you. I know.

Hallie (as Abe)

Maybe that's what I need to tell Cleo. I need the same weather, Cleo, because that's what I deserve.

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] You do. You do deserve the same weather. And if Cleo can't give you that, then you need to move on to someone who can just like I will never move on from this man.

Hallie (as Abe)

Yeah. I just have to show Cleo, I'm worth dating on the weekends.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] You are. You're worth dating all the time.

Hallie (as Abe)

Marcel, Marcel. You've helped me so much. Do you want someone to show you how to use a wrench properly?

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] No, I know how to use it. It's just that I have a lot of feelings.

Hallie (as Abe)

I get that.

Hallie

And then he pulls a wrench outta his back pocket. So it's whacking the toilet the same way that you are like...

Hallie (as Abe)

[Sobbing.]

Hallie

And that's...

Emily (as Marcel)

[Crying.] Okay, no. We've got this. We're gonna—we're gonna reclaim our—our—our weather. 

Hallie (as Abe)

We're going to reclaim our weather because we deserve it.

[Laughter.]

Emily

Marcel scrambles to his feet. The foil crinkling slips a little, but he catches himself. And he's—he's ready to do useful things.

[music ends]

Hallie

Next time on a very special Quest Friend! Marcel finds himself with a new je ne sais quoi after his toilet side chat with Abe. Pliny give some more weird medical advice. Wells continues to make a movie nobody cares about. And Zenobia finally talks to Aurelion. Yeah, we know that's the shit you care about.

Kyle

[music stops]

Then that case, let me try my—my character voice quickly.

Kyle (as Wells)

Paddington!

Ari

I don't have a character voice, so.

Tom

I almost have a character voice.

Ari

I'm gonna come up with it on the fly.

Kyle

Orson Wells! I need to speak like there's a ball in my mouth. Just a—just wide of mouth like this for Orson Wells. Just deep in the—my voice. I'm 14 years old.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

The actual fuck.

Kyle

'Cause I'm so cool.

Hallie

Can I still date you now?

Kyle

You can call me K-Dex.

Tom

Well, that answers your question.

Hallie

I can't date you.  [Chuckles.] We're breaking up.

Kyle

Which was my actual nickname in high school.

Hallie

No!

Kyle

I was told it was too cool for me.

Ari

K-Dex! Oh, that's just like—like the guy in Paddington 2. You—

Hallie

I was about to say.

Ari

The JD for whatever his name.

Kyle

Don't you dare talk about that movie in my presence.

Hallie

But K-Dex just sounds—

Kyle

Don't you dare speak its name.

Hallie

Like a famous duelist. Like a famous Yu-Gi-Oh! duelist on K-Dex.

Ari

Yeap! K-Dex.

Tom

K-Dex would be one of those duelists who wears like their deck on their chest in like this elaborate machine that like mechanical arms a card out into their hands.

Hallie

I fucking love it.

Emily

I kind of want to see it.

Ari

Oh, should we change our Zoom names to our character names at some point?

Hallie

Oh, go for it.

Kyle

Oh, that's—that's—that's a good point.

Tom

Oh yeah, we should. Let me fucking go.

Ari

I don't know how to do. Okay here we go.

[Keyboard clicking.]

Kyle

I like—I like that Tom has Queen after Zenobia.

Ari

I know. That sounds like a—like a last name, Zenobia Queen.

Tom

That's because it is. I don't know that it will come up in the session, but that was intentional. It was a clerical error where it was like Zenobia, Queen.

Kyle

God, I love it.

Tom

On the Clone records, but someone omitted the comma so her legal name was just entered as Zenobia Queen.

Ari

[Laughs.] Oh my God.

Kyle (as Wells)

I-I know who leaves bad reviews in the newspaper. I run the school newspaper.

Emily (as Marcel)

Wait, you run the school new—Couldn't you just tell us who it is?

Kyle (as Wells)

Just tell you? Could I just tell you? The—the Citizen Kane start with a-a saccharin monologue about Rosebud and the meaning of Rosebud. Does it—does it open up with a little—a little thing showing a boy and his sled and says, "This is Rosebud." This is what is important to me. No! Because that is a sense of pacing.

Hallie (as Guillaume) 

You are very aggravating. I do not know why I came over here. But listen, listen, je ne suis pas italien. Je suis FRANCAIS!

[Snooty French laughter.]

Ari

I-I-I want to—to say that as, uh, they were having this conversation and Guillaume was having his cigarette and all of the smoke Pliny just like slowly inched away from it. 'Cause for some reason doesn't like to be around a lot of smoke.

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Zenobia)

[Whispers.]

Remember good cop, bad cop routine. I'll be good cop, you'll be bad cop.

Ari (as Pliny)

Okay. I-I-I can try to be a bad cop with good medicinal cures.

Kyle

Excited for Mr. Butlertron trying to be there. The rest of this art is continuing to spin.

Hallie

[Laughs.] He's spinning in circles.

Kyle

Like does he have a neck?

Hallie

Hang on. Hang on. He's spinning his entire body in circles. So what he said doesn't actually, uh, match up with what he did, but that was the—he does not have a neck.

Kyle

Okay, perfect. Glad that he's gonna be there.

Hallie

For the rest of time. I'm gonna send a picture of Mr. Butlertron.

Kyle

We're gonna have to... message the people making the Clone High rebooting being like, "Listen, we're so sorry. Mr. Butlertron, has to just spin in place for every episode.

Tom

This is such top-notch. How are you so good at this Hallie?

Ari

I love that like, you basically just inserted a little side arc of the main characters of—of like high school—Clone High school or Clone High in our bay.

Tom

It just works.

Hallie

[chuckles] I'm doing my best.

Kyle

Is the weekend thing from the show?

Hallie

It might be. I can't tell if I made it up or if that was a plot in one of the episodes. I genuinely don't know. Because like—like I thought of it myself, but I was thinking like that might happen.

[00:55:00] 

So I genuinely can't remember.

Ari

That sounds like such a—yeah.

Tom

I'm choosing to believe that this is because Clone High was a formative piece of comedic media for Hallie. So Hallie is just perfectly in sync with the writing of Clone High. Like how people on Twitter can just write an episode of Seinfeld in tweets and it's just—it's just exactly the same as—as an episode would be.

Hallie

God, I hope so.

Tom

Anyway, hire Halle for—for the reboot. 

Hallie

Yeah. Hire me to write the reboot of Clone High. I'm sure you're listening Chris and Phil.