The Daemon AU (Halloween 2020)

[Silly Halloween music plays for the intro.]

[Sinister piano music begins]

Aaron (as Victor)

Good evening. I am Victor Daemon of the Daemon Saloon. Come in, come in.

I was just admiring this newly purchased mirror. Fascinating things, aren’t they? The way they create a snapshot of the soul that’s so imperfect: unreachable, close to reality, yet not quite right. I have no need for such trinkets myself, of course, but for those with a soul to distort…

[Door creeks open and music ends.]

Now who could that be?

[Chill funny music begins.]

Kyle

Alright gang. You’re lost, again. You’re in Tremaine Bluffs, again, but this time it’s Ness’s fault you’re lost, so that’s new. Oh, by the way, you’re back in The Daemon Saloon, again.

Tom (as Xoc)

Why are we here?

Hallie (as Ness)

Well I don't know, Xoc. The map that YOU gave me led us to here.

Tom (as Xoc)

But you made that map.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah, and whose fault is that?!

Tom (as Xoc)

Hopper was right there. Hopper was right there with the real map.

Hallie (as Ness)

The person who told me to make a map!

Tom (as Xoc)

Hopper was right there with a real map, and you said “no-no, I got this.”

Emily (as Elee)

I’m sorry. Xoc, you knew that he was doing this?!

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah! You knew that I was doing this?!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Xoc)

I trusted you!

Hallie (as Ness)

Rookie mistake.

Tom

Xoc looks to Hopper.

Hallie

Hopper looks down at the map that Ness is holding and says,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Well, the problem is that Ness drew over my map.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

So now I can’t read it.

Hallie (as Ness)

Well it’s a lot cooler now!

Hallie

And he flips it, and there’s like a little skull and crossbones and there’s like “treasure?” Question mark? And then there’s a different section that says “there be monsters here,” and then there’s one labeled “JET.CO,” just JET.CO.

[Music fades.]

Emily (as Elee)

Okay, that’s it, I am sitting in front for the rest of this trip.

[Whoosh sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Meanwhile we’re just gonna cut to the Ladybug for a second where Q-BO is just sitting on the dash and then there’s a brief pause.

Kyle (as Q-BO)

[Beep-boop.] I have successfully calculated our trajectory to the Ba-Adenu Forest.

[Beep-boop.] Anyone? … Anyone?

[Whoosh sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] And we swish back to everyone in the Daemon Saloon.

Hallie

Ness is drawing on his map more with crayons that he took out of nowhere and is like,

Hallie (as Ness)

Well the thing about maps is that if you change them then everything gets okay.

Hallie

And Hopper goes,

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, no, that’s not the thing about maps.

Hallie

While Ness continues to talk over him with like,

Hallie (as Ness)

See? If I put a road here that means there’s like a road there, right?

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Pained.] No…

Ari (as Misha)

Well, regardless of what the facts are about maps, one fact is that I believe we should try to leave this place, because last time we got lost, argued about maps and found ourselves in this place we had a very strange adventure that I do not particularly wish to repeat. So I believe we should try to go back to the car and find our way to where we need to go.

Kyle

Yeah, because you are back at the scene of your last Halloween adventure, you’re back at the Daemon Saloon.

[Halloweeny waltz begins.]

Just like last time the Daemon Saloon is a rustic classical place. It’s filled with all sorts of classic fantasy monsters, just like orcs, tieflings, but not Jeff, not after what happened in Numenerica.

Ari

Aw, poor Jeff.

Kyle

Never Jeff again.

Tom

[Pouty.] I haven’t listened to Part 2 yet. Did Jeff die? Does Jeff die in Part 2?! No! Don’t nod! Don’t confirm that! No!

Hallie

Does he actually die? Because I can’t remember and I was just playing along.

Tom

[Smiling.] Fuck you!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Fuck you.

Kyle

But the empty chair where Jeff once sat is the second most unsettling thing in this room, because the first one is the man behind all of your terrible experiences last year. In front of you, behind the bar, you see a bartender with a bartender’s apron and a ratty cloak. He turns around to all of you slowly with a calm malevolent confidence, and he says,

Aaron (as Victor)

Good evening. I am Victor Daemon of the Daemon Saloon. How can I—

[Music ends.]

You’re not supposed to be here.

Emily (as Elee)

No.

Tom (as Xoc)

We’ve since learned that someone opening with “good evening” is a sign of trouble.

[00:05:00]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Xoc)

None of us want to be here.

Aaron (as Victor)

It’s not like I want you to be here either. Didn’t you learn your lesson last time, or have you already forgotten?

Emily (as Elee)

We learned it! We’re…

Ari (as Misha)

We learned it.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh no, we did. We learned it.

Emily (as Elee)

Learned it so good.

Hallie (as Hopper)

This was just an accident. Actually, you don’t have a second map on you, do you? That hasn’t been drawn all over in crayon.

Hallie (as Ness)

It’s art!

Kyle (as ???)

Now-now, you fine folks won’t need a map where you’re going.

[Evil cowboy music begins.]

Kyle

And that’s when you notice the man in front of you.

Ari

[Giggles to herself as Kyle speaks.]

Kyle

He’s sitting at the bar in the seat Hopper Scotch sat in last year, and he’s just rolling two twelve-sided die in his hands.

Hallie

No~

Kyle

Two blank twelve-sided die.

Emily

[Pinched.] Hopscotch?

Kyle

This man turns around to face you. He’s got a wide-brim cowboy hat, black with a red line on it, he’s wearing a fancy red suitcoat with a blue vest, but most notably is a wide mustache and a patch of hair on the chin.

Ari

[Quietly.] Oh no, not a mustache.

Kyle

And this man turns over to you, looks Hop dead in the eyes, and says,

Kyle (as ???)

Well howdy there, me.

[Music fades.]

Hallie

Hopper… I’m trying to describe the face that I am making.

[Laughter.]

Hopper kind of looks this man up and down and then squints his right eye while cocking his face looking very puzzled at this stranger.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I’m sorry? Do I know you?

Ari (as Misha)

Simon Scotch! You didn’t tell me you had a twin!

Hallie

Hopper shakes his head.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t, though.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, but he looks almost like you except he has more hair in his face.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, that’s weird, right? That’s weird that he looks just like me but with more hair on his face.

Emily (as Elee)

Is this an ideal version of yourself? Can you not grow proper facial hair?

Hallie

[Splutters fighting a laugh.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

[A little indignant.] I could if I tried.

Tom (as Xoc)

I’m not sure that we can call that proper facial hair.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Thank you, Xoc!

Emily (as Elee)

I mean, I’m not a fan of it, but it’s more hair than you have, and I’m just trying to figure out if maybe this is our thing this time. Is like, oh, we’re trying to learn about how we try to idealize ourselves? I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on this time.

Kyle (as ???)

Ain’t nothing ideal about me, ma’am.

Emily (as Elee)

Oh, so you’re edgy, too.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Uh, no, that’s not—

Kyle (as ???)

I’m more of a reflection in the rusted mirror, a copy with a bit more scratches and dust, and I’m from what folks tend to call an evil alternate universe.

Emily (as Elee)

Are you also an accountant? Because you look like maybe you’re also an accountant.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as ???)

Ma’am… I’m a gambler.

Ari

[Delighted, breathy.] Oh my god.

Kyle (as ???)

The only numbers I care about are those that let me win in Miss Fate’s lovely game. That’s why I named myself after my favorite, after all.

Kyle

And he clutches the dice in his hand, raises the hand to his brow and tips it.

Kyle (as ???)

You can call me Hopscotch.

Hallie

[Bangs on her desk, exhales in amusement and frustration.]

Emily (as Elee)

He’s somehow cooler and less cool than you.

Hallie

Hopper’s like pinching the bridge of his nose.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Ugh, I know, I know.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Hallie

Because he knows and he doesn’t know how to process all this.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

So you actually walk around calling yourself Hopscotch? That’s how this is… That’s how this is gonna go?

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Of course.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Frustrated, under his breath.] I just got that name back.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Does Evil Hop have like a satchel or anything?

Kyle

Hallie, please, call him Hopscotch. One word, Hopscotch.

Hallie

I hate it even more. You’ve made me hate it even more. Does Hopscotch have a satchel or anything?

Kyle

Does Hopper have a satchel?

Hallie

Yeah, he’s got like an adventurer’s satchel slash backpack.

Kyle

Yeah. It looks almost the same as yours but it’s more rustic and cooler.

Hallie

Alright. Ness is in it.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Tom

Xoc is going to see that and pull him out.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Ness)

[Hushed.] What?! What are you doing?! What are you doing?!

Tom

Xoc is going to hoist Ness out of there like he’s a little baby and just hold him off to the side.

Hallie (as Ness)

[Resisting.] No, no!

Tom (as Xoc)

Well this has been very fun, but don’t ever talk to me or my son ever again.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Ness is just like kicking.

Hallie (as Ness)

No. No! You’re gonna- Let me- Let me- Come on!

Kyle

Hopscotch looks to you, Xoc, and says,

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Forever the buzzkill in every universe, eh Xoc?

Tom (as Xoc)

Well… I don’t have a response to that yet.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Xoc)

And so, I bid you good day.

Tom

Xoc will storm to the other side of the room with Ness.

Hallie

Ness is still just like,

Hallie (as Ness)

[Angry struggling noises.]

Hallie

[Laughing.] He’s trying to struggle without hurting Xoc.

Emily

[Giggles.] Elee’s gonna muscle up to Hopscotch and bring out her claws.

Emily (as Elee)

Now last time something weird happened here we couldn’t leave. You seem to be somehow connected to us. I would like to very politely, because I don't know if murdering you will also murder Hop, my Hop, the good Hop, the Hop that is not bad…

[00:10:00]

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Thank you.

Emily (as Elee)

…and is not you, and has less facial hair, but that’s okay.

Hallie (as Hopper)

It’s a choice. Of course it’s okay.

Emily (as Elee)

I lost my train of thought. I was threatening you. I was trying to get information from you. Tell me what’s going on.

Kyle

Hopscotch looks at the three claws, looks up at the three unlit candles, and then looks at Misha and their one red eye.

Emily

Oh no.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

I didn’t know you two could be so precious. Come on, Elee, Ashim, we got business to attend to.

Emily

[Breathy.] Oh no.

Kyle

With that, he stands up and walks off after Xoc and Ness.

Emily

Oh no!

Tom

I’m sorry, what?

Emily

It’s backwards! Oh no.

Hallie

[Weakly.] Ashim!

[Ragtime music begins.]

Kyle

Alright, so Xoc, Hop and Ness, you have all made your way to kind of that dining area you sat at last time when you did planning, and you sat at the first available seats. Right now it’s just you three as well as you can see there’s a hooded figure who’s just kind of slumped over also at the table. Their head is kind of in their hands and you can’t make anything out except for their black hoods and then these full black gloves that they’re wearing. After a few minutes there the figure next to you jolts up with a bang, the bang coming from Hopscotch as he sits down on the table, makes like a slam on a desk.

[Music fades.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Come on now, Xoc, wake up and say hi to everyone else.

Kyle

And the robed figure just turns his head to the side before turning his head back down to the table, and he just goes,

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

But I’m tiiiiired~

Kyle

Pout. Pout. Pout.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Silly Halloween music begins.]

Tom

[Grinning.] Was this your plan all along? This is your dunks?

Kyle

[Smiling.] If Xoc is idealized Tom, what does that make Evil Xoc Tom?

[Laughter.]

Tom

Oh no! Is this just me? Is this just me? Look, I sometimes take care of myself.

Kyle

He turns his head back up after a pause.

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Hopscotch… I’m hungry…

[Others giggle.]

Kyle

And Hopscotch goes,

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Well then order something, Xoc.

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

But I’m tiiiiired.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And his head goes back down again.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

I like to think that Ness is still mid-struggle with actual Xoc, but then upon seeing Evil Xoc kinda stops, it’s almost like a freeze frame where he’s mid-pushing his Xoc away, and then Ness just starts going,

Hallie (as Ness)

[Long goofy laughing.]

[Laughter.]

Tom

[Pained.] No…

Kyle

Yeah, how’s it feeling, Xoc?

Tom

I haven’t processed how Xoc feels yet because Tom is just relieved. When you first approached me and was like “are you okay with being roasted if it comes from a place of love,” that last part made me feel like it was gonna be so much more serious, like what the fuck is he planning to say if he had to put that addendum on it?

Kyle

I should note, I do have a list of 13 tenants of Evil Xoc.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

[As a groan.] No…

Kyle

He has four times more notes than any other character.

Tom

No…

Kyle

This episode is a vehicle for Evil Xoc.

Tom

No…

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Xoc just stares. He doesn’t have a response. He doesn’t have anything to comprehend.

Hallie

Actual Hopper Scotch is looking between Hopscotch and Evil Xoc.

Hallie (as Hopper)

So you say you’re from this other place… Why? Do you need something from us?

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Well, uh, I need a favor, although not much of a favor if it helps save your world as well.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Breathy.] Oh god.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

I may have made a bit of a bad bet. My calculations were a little off, and—

Hallie (as Hopper)

It’s because you’re a gambler not an accountant.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Well, accountant boy, did you predict something like this with your fancy accounting maths?

Hallie (as Hopper)

Fortunetelling and prediction are different than math.

Tom

It’s called math science, sir.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Then ultimately at the end it sounds like we’re in the same boat.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Frustrated noises, seeking words.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

And by boat I mean rapidly collapsing multiverse. Come on, let’s get a move on.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Stammers.] What? You’re gonna have to follow-up with collapsing multiverse. That’s not gonna be—You gotta have facts. You gotta have some.

[Wooden saloon door creeks and falls into place.]

Kyle

And with that you see the door just swing shut as Hopscotch is already gone, and you just hear the shuffling of Evil Xoc’s big bright red Kingdom Hearts shoes as he slowly just drags his feet to the door.

Tom

So Xoc has put Ness down by this point and just sort of looks over at the nearest person.

Tom (as Xoc)

I’m not really that bad, am I?

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Hopper shakes his head.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Of course not.

Ari (as Misha)

You’re wonderful, Xoc.

Emily (as Elee)

Xoc, I would have stopped traveling with you very quickly if you had been that bad.

[00:15:00]

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

I’m just glad that I haven’t met ME. What am I like?

Ari (as Misha)

I don't know. I also don’t know what I am like. Sime Scotch mentioned us, but I don't know where we are.

Hallie (as Ness)

It’s a good thing that we got lost. Right? Because this is really fun.

Tom (as Xoc)

No. I disagree.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Ness)

That’s your opinion. That’s your opinion, man!

Emily

Elee’s just gonna start following them.

Kyle

Yeah, so Hopscotch is already gone, Evil Xoc is just pacing by the door. He doesn’t seem stressed, it just seems like a thing he does. When you get to the door, what do you try to do?

Emily

I was gonna grab Evil Xoc by the collar/hood and pull him out with me.

Kyle

So you go, like, grab him and then push the door to leave?

Emily

Yeah.

Kyle

Alright. You grab him with ease. You push the door and {CLONK}, you just hit your head on it.

Emily (as Elee)

Um, I feel like I should say ow, but I didn’t really feel that, but I probably should have.

Kyle

And Evil Xoc just sighs.

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

[Sighs.] I think the answer to this is pretty obvious.

Emily (as Elee)

I will stab you. Do not use that tone with me.

Hallie (as Hopper)

What is the obvious part exactly?

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Well, when we try to open a door, what do we look at to see if we push or pull?

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Frustrated, under his breath.] There’s no writing on this door.

Emily (as Elee)

Someone—

Tom

If you’re getting pedantic about door handles…

Emily (as Elee)

Someone take me away from him right now.

Kyle

[Chuckles.]

Hallie

Hopper will actually do this. Hopper will gently take Elee’s arm and just move her backwards.

Emily (as Elee)

[Whispering.] Hopper, I’m going to kill him.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Whispering.] You can’t.

Tom

Game master, do we see door handles?

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You don’t, but Victor Daemon just leans over the bar, because he just kinda wants you out at this point, and he says,

Hallie

That’s fair.

Aaron (as Victor)

The riddle is “pull the push door.”

Kyle

And he points to the door which you can see has its handle on the outside.

Emily (as Elee)

Were you supposed to tell us the riddle before we went for the door?

Aaron (as Victor)

[Sighs.] Well, if you had read the clearly visible plaque or asked me at any point…

[Sobbing.] Nobody listens to poor Victor. No, never.

Tom

Alright. Alright. What did we see… What did we see Evil Hop do? Because we watched him walk out. You described us watching him walk out.

Hallie

He’s got a point.

Kyle

[Smiling.] In response to hearing that, Evil Xoc’s gonna just cross his arms.

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Well I guess you’re right. You could’ve mentioned that at the beginning. I was gonna have you do a whole thing, but fine, fine, no. You saw him, okay? Is that what you wanna see?

[Quiet scoff.] It’s a push door, so to get to the opposite world you do the opposite and you pull on it.

Ari

As a callback to our last Halloween episode where Xoc, as Misha, casted Fling on the door, I want Misha now to do Fling on the door.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

You just fling it backwards?

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

Give me a roll.

Tom

It hits Evil Xoc.

Ari

Alright. [Rolls.]

Hallie

That would be fine.

Ari

That was a 7.

Kyle

Oh, yeah no, she needed to roll a 3 for that, so yeah, it hits Evil Xoc. That’s just a given, but then it keeps flying and Victor Daemon just ducks under it and he looks at you all and just says,

Aaron (as Victor)

[Forcefully.] Get. Out.

Emily (as Elee)

We’ve been wanting to!

Hallie (as Hopper)

We’re trying!

Ari (as Misha)

With pleasure!

Hallie (as Ness)

Your place sucks, man.

Tom

[Amused.] And with that we leave.

[Dramatic organ music begins.]

Kyle

You find yourself in the most horrifying sentence I can say.

[Music ends.]

You find yourself in the capital city of Draolis, the city of Qi.

Tom

Oh shit. Kyle acknowledged the name of a country from the lore.

Hallie

I hate it.

Tom

That means you know we’re in some kind of bizarro world.

Ari

[As an uneasy groan.] Oh…

Emily

[Uncomfortable chuckle.]

Tom

Are we in the actual core rulebook of Numenera?

Hallie

[Groans.]

Kyle

[Triumphant.] We’re in the core rulebook now, baby!

Tom

[Triumphant.] Do I hold all the cards now?!

Hallie

Oh no!

Ari

Oh… Well Evil Xoc holds all the cards.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Yeah, in fact, Evil Xoc pulls out the Numenera core rulebook, not Numenera Discovery and Destiny, the original Numenera core rulebooks. I mean, he’s got Discovery and Destiny too, but they’re back at home. He hasn’t done anything with them yet, he’s just kinda read them for fun.

Tom

No, he hasn’t even read them for fun, honestly. He skimmed some parts for like a one-shot but he hasn’t read them yet.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Anyways. He’s got the core rulebook, so if you ever ask any facts about this place or what it looks like I can actually pull it up.

Tom

[Severe and confident.] Oh, there will be no need for that.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom

We can just ask him directly. Can’t wait.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

[Sinister music box music begins.]

Kyle

So yeah, you end up… You’re in the city of Qi. Sorry. [pronounced “key”}

Ari

[Smiling.] Qi. {pronounced “kai”}

Kyle

You’re in the city of Qi. The city looks kind of similar to how it looked in Quest Friends although a little less monotone. So like Quest Friends, we had one gimmick, right, it was towers and treadmills, but this is an actual diverse city with diverse districts and just lots of lore. You could go a whole bunch of places and have your own little mini adventure there. But, you don’t hear anything.

[00:20:00]

You get out and you notice that the sky is overcast in this eternal orange haze.

Tom

[Smug.] I guess you could say the Qi is overcast.

[Laughter.]

Thank you, I’ll be here all night.

[Music fades.]

Kyle

Whenever Tom says something like that just assume in canon that Evil Xoc said it.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Should I just start playing Evil Xoc from this point on?

Kyle

If you want to I will let you.

Tom

I don’t.

[Laughter.]

I don’t.

Kyle

If you look out at the city you can see that bits and pieces of it are missing as if chunks were just consumed and taken away someplace else, but in the distance, after a while in this place, you see a dust cloud.

[Classical music plays over speakers.]

It gets closer and closer, and as it does you hear classical music? Where another car might play a hard rock song or Eurobeat, this is just playing very loud classical music. As it gets closer and closer it looks familiar but off.

It’s shorter than you remember it. Instead of being red and spotted it’s orange and spotted. In the front of it you can see the window, which normally is just a big window, is framed as if there’s a giant M on the front, or angry villainous eyes. And perhaps worst of all, instead of legs it has wheels.

Tom

[Breathy snicker.]

Ari

[As a long groan.] No… No…

Hallie

Oh no. I don’t actually like wheels, so no, that’s very horrifying.

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

And after a few seconds the Ladybeetle drives up to you, slowly and gently and carefully crawls to a halt, and the side doors open up to allow you inside.

Ari

Was it driving on its own? Was anybody driving it?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Huh, funny you should ask, because the driver actually steps out of the driver seat. Hallie, how about you describe the driver.

[Halloween accordion waltz begins.]

Hallie

The driver is a small robot approximately Ness’s height and also exact visage, but he is wearing a sweater vest, a bowtie, and very shiny shoes, and yes I realize that I am describing Hopper Scotch’s prom outfit, but on small Ness it looks a lot worse and a lot more dweebish.

He also, even though he doesn’t have hair, has like bangs that have been just horribly, horribly slicked down and like combed to the side. We’ve drawn him with like a little antenna, like a sprig of hair, so imagine if he had that antenna but slicked down and combed over like somebody took gel and a wet comb and was just brushing their son’s unruly hair.

Tom

This is Dark Ness and he’s a nerd?

Hallie

Dark Ness will then greet everybody by saying,

Hallie (as Dark Ness)

[In a comically atrocious British accent.] Cheerio! My name is Nessley. Welcome to the Ladybeetle.

Tom

[Delighted.] Nessley?!

Hallie (as Nessley)

We have tea and crumpets waiting for you in the Ladybeetle, because it’s tea time, my very favorite time of day. Everybody is welcome.

Hallie

And then real Ness says,

Hallie (as Ness)

This isn’t fun anymore. This stopped being fun.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Xoc is just gonna look at Ness.

Hallie (as Ness)

This isn’t fun anymore. I don’t like this. I don’t like- I don’t like the Ladybeetle thing and I don’t like you. I don’t… Why?!

[Music ends.]

Hallie (as Nessley)

I’m afraid I don’t understand your answer, good friend.

Hallie (as Ness)

I’m not your friend.

[Giggling.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] Anyways. We ready for some tea time?

Hallie

We’re ready for some tea time! Nessley has a wonderful spread. He doesn’t have any, like… Normally tea time is pastries or like biscuits and jam or like treats, but all those are bad for you, so Nessley just has like…

Ari

Broccoli?

Hallie

…dry toast and broccoli and raisins. No, Hop likes raisins, nobody can like things that are here.

Ari

Black licorice?

Hallie

Black licorice! Elee likes black licorice…

Emily

Yeah.

Ari

[Chuckling.] Pineapple on pizza?

Hallie

No, pineapple on pizza is delicious. Fuck you.

[Laughter.]

Tom

No, he’s gotta have celery sticks but there’s no dip.

Kyle

Oh no!

Ari

I like them without dip, though.

Tom

Oh, well fuck. God damn it.

Kyle

So you’re all looking at these terrible teas, but all of it is overwhelmed by this fragrance of the dark coffee that Hopscotch is just kind of waving in front of his face.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And he takes a big sip of it, sets the glass down, and says—

Tom

Glass? Does he have a glass of coffee?

[Laughter.]

Ari

A glass of coffee!

Hallie

It’s burning his hand, but he’s still holding onto it, because he’s a man!

Tom

[Sounding severe and edgy.] The pain makes me feel alive.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Now I’d wager that you all have a fair few questions.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah! We’ve been asking them to you and you don’t answer them! What is this? Why do you need our help? What do you mean the multiverse is crashing?!

Kyle

He picks up his hands and he has three fingers up.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Three. You get three questions.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Why? What else are you gonna do today?

Tom (as Xoc)

[Frantic.] No, don’t!

Emily (as Elee)

[Startled.] Hopper!

Ari

Oh my god. I didn’t realize you said TWO questions.

Emily

Two of them!

Hallie

[Laugh-sobbing.] I just… I’m so sorry!

Tom

[Mumbles into his hands.]

Ari

We just had an episode released where—

Hallie

But I didn’t make that mistake that time, so I didn’t learn anything. I’m sorry, team. For what it’s worth, Hopper immediately after asking two questions just put his face in his hands, and he’s listening to the answers, but he’s just shaking his head.

[00:25:00]

Ari (as Misha)

My apologies. I don't think he meant to ask those questions. Can we have a redo?

[Everyone screams and laughs.]

Tom

NO!

Kyle

[Calmly.] He takes another sip and he puts up one finger.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Why? Well it’s difficult to know. I tried to put my team together, just happened to end up with the same folks that you all fell in line with. Two, what else am I gonna do today? Well I hanker I’m gonna do the first heroic thing in my rotten life. And three, can Hopper have a redo? There ain’t no redos in life, darling.

Emily

Elee is gonna slam her hand on the table.

Emily (as Elee)

[Forcefully.] Do not sass me. Do not whine or try to patronizingly explain things to me.

Emily

She’s directing this towards Evil Xoc.

Kyle

Evil Xoc just turns over to Hopscotch and says,

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

[Whining.] Can you please just tell her?

Emily (as Elee)

[Interrupting and reprimanding.] Eh!

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

I don’t like confrontation. [Snivels.]

Emily

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Elee)

[Forcefully.] Explain what you want, why you want it, now.

Kyle

Another sip, and his eyes narrow, and Hopscotch is a bit perplexed.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

You genuinely think I’m supposed to be intimidated by you.

Emily

Elee looks offended.

Emily (as Elee)

I mean, a little bit, yeah.

 Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Your world certainly is soft. Well, I’m a man of my word, I suppose, and my word was that I was gonna tell you nothing else. Nessley and Xoc, tell them what’s going on.

Tom

[Scoffs.]

Emily

Elee will just roll her eyes and throw herself to either a chair or the floor, wherever she is going to sit.

Hallie

Nessley gets up to the center of the room.

Hallie (as Nessley)

As my associate Mr. Scotch over here allayed earlier…

Hallie

Ness begins to groan in the background at words like “allayed” and “associate.”

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Nessley)

…he recruited a whole team: himself, my… colleague Xoc…

Tom

[Exasperated breathy laughter.]

Kyle

Evil Xoc just hides his friendship bracelet.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Nessley)

…Elee, and Ashim. Collected them all together in one team. However, you will notice Elee and Ashim are not currently on the premises. That is because they are currently planning to destroy the multiverse.

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Well actually, they don’t intend to destroy the multiverse as much as they intend to collect it.

Hallie (as Nessley)

Thank you, colleague Xoc. That is an important distinction to what I was saying, and what I was saying changes immensely because of your participation.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Tom

[Smiling reluctantly.] This episode sucks.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Emily

I feel a little bit better about Hopscotch not being intimidated by me if my alternate universe self is trying to collect a multiverse.

Ari (as Misha)

Regardless, is there really a difference as to whether Elee and Misha want to destroy or collect the multiverse if it’s going to fail to exist anymore afterwards?

Hallie (as Nessley)

That is a very good point, Not Ashim.

Ari (as Misha)

I am Misha.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Nessley)

I believe the distinction was important to colleague Xoc because the collection is the overarching goal of our former friend Elee. You see, she wants to collect everything related to someone she knew once named Karl.

Emily

Elee goes white.

Hallie (as Nessley)

It would appear that… How do I put this politely?

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Well, she wants to collect everything related to Karl, and just like your happiness spreads to friends of friends of friends…

Tom

[Seethes.]

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

…when Karl was connected to one thing that thing was connected to another thing, which was connected to another thing, and then obviously that connects to the entire multiverse as a whole.

Hallie (as Nessley)

Very well said, colleague Xoc, and definitely what I was going to say but better. Now there are tests that are going to be handed out, so I hope everybody was listening, because they’re really, really hard.

Hallie

Then actual Ness from the back goes,

Hallie (as Ness)

NAAAGHH!

Hallie

[Laughing.] He just makes this feral noise.

Kyle

Does anyone take the test?

Hallie

No.

Tom

No.

Emily

No. [Chuckles.]

Ari

No.

Tom

I think not.

Kyle

Okay, perfect. Hopscotch doesn’t either.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

And as soon as Nessley is gone he takes a cigar out of his mouth and with experience sets the tip on the paper he was given which just quickly flies alight and then disappears, it just burns up.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Now I suppose the next question is why I brought you four here. Well, I didn’t manage to talk much to Elee and Ashim before they ran off to make their own little party, so I’m not quite sure where they went.

[00:30:00]

Now, Nessley has put together a little map for us.

Kyle

He points down at the table which has an intricately laid out map.

Emily

[Giggles.]

Kyle

It’s completely perfect.

Hallie

It is immaculate. There is a key. It is very geometrical. This is a better map than Hopper Scotch would make.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Now, I don't know how they think, but if we really are mirrored reflections of each other, well, I thought you two…

Kyle

And he points to you, Elee, and points to you, Misha.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

…may be able to put your noggins together and figure out a place of mutual importance for these two, and no worries if you gotta do that Mind Meld thing to figure it out, I’ve seen it before.

Ari (as Misha)

Uh, that… what?

Emily (as Elee)

The what?

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He leans back in his chair.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

I don't know. It has something to do with that Datafear Tom—

[Mocking his mistake.] Tom.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

Why not? Why not just give into the confusion and call him Tom? Coward!

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

I don't know. It has something to do with that Datafear Xoc keeps going on about.

Ari (as Misha)

That is confusing. Do you mean… I can use it to communicate with Xoc, well my Xoc, but I haven’t done it with Elee before. So what is that about?

Tom (as Xoc)

Perhaps in this universe there’s a Xoc that has the ability to mentally link with organics as well.

Ari

Misha will look at Evil Xoc.

Ari (as Misha)

Can you communicate with Elee and Misha?

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

[Confused.] What? No.

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, it was possible.

[Giggling.]

Emily (as Elee)

So this Elee—

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

It’s not in the core rulebook. It’s not an ability.

Emily (as Elee)

So this Elee can access the Datasphere? Is she a nano?

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

She’s the nano.

Emily (as Elee)

She’s the nano… Would you like to explain that a little bit more for me?

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Oh, go on, I think it’s better if you experience it for yourselves. This boy over here says he talks to some Datasphere spirits or something like that. Maybe you could reach out into this Datafear and feel it for yourself.

Tom

Xoc will do it. Do you wanna also do that, Misha?

Emily (as Elee)

Be careful.

Ari

Misha will look a bit maybe uncomfortable at it, but then seeing how determined Xoc looks at that they will help as well.

Kyle

Roll me Int defense.

Ari

[As a groan.] Oh my god.

Tom

It’s a good thing I am… not trained in that, but I can spend 4 levels of Effort.

[Rolls.] I also got a 10.

Ari

[Rolls.] Oh my god. That was a 1.

Emily

[Concerned.] A 1?!

Hallie

[Chuckles.]

Ari

[Laughing.] Shut up, Hallie. I didn’t spend anything.

Kyle

Alright, so Xoc, you don’t take any Int damage. Misha, you don’t either, but that’s because you rolled a 1 and you get worse.

Ari

Oh fuck.

[The Lady with Cinnabar Lips’ theme plays, but in reverse.]

Kyle

You reach out and a chill goes down your spine as you try to commune with the Datafear. Much like the sky itself, something is overcast and grizzly about this, although where the sky is more orange, this feeling, if you can put a feeling into a color, is more of a hint of red. As you continue to commune more and more you just hear a word, repeated.

Kyle (as Ashim)

[Speaks backwards, sounding like gibberish, repeating the same word several times.]

{ Salutations. }

Kyle

And Xoc, you’re able to disconnect from the Datafear, but  you still hear that word again, this time coming from Misha’s mouth.

Kyle (as Ashim)

[Speaks backwards, sounding like gibberish.]

{ Why have you come here? Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, Machine In Suit of Human Armor, my name was. Salutations. }

Ari

Can Misha reply? Can Misha…

Kyle

Yeah. Actually Misha, your red eye stays there, but your gray eye turns a different shade of red. It turns crimson instead of the cinnabar color.

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

So, Misha, you’ll be able to respond, but you are also still—this entity is still speaking through you.

Ari

[Groans.] Misha, to others, also… I would like to rule that when Ashim is talking they will look calm and composed and whatever, and then when Misha responds they are just going to look super freaked out about it and just, like, do not want this, and then they are going to say,

Ari (as Misha)

Why have we come here? I don't know. Why- Why are you… What do you mean you used to be Machine In Suit of Human Armor? What are you? Why are you doing this?

Kyle (as Ashim)

[Speaks backwards.]

{ Because I have shed that unnecessary skin. I have recognized in order to complete the form I need to attain my true form. }

Ari (as Misha)

Form? What? What form? What do you mean?

Kyle (as Ashim)

[Speaks backwards.]

{ I know that even though we look through each other through a different mirror there’s some truths that even you can’t ignore. }

Ari (as Misha)

I hear what you’re saying, and I don’t like any of it.

[00:35:00]

Please, just… whatever you’re trying to do, feel free to do it, just leave me and my friends be and go back. Please, I don’t want anything with you.

Kyle (as Ashim)

[Speaks backwards.]

{ Fine. A single question, though. Do you not love and care for your ants? }

Ari (as Misha)

[Softly.] My ants? I do. I do love them very much. Why are you asking me this?

Kyle (as Ashim)

[Speaks backwards.]

{ Then you know you could not leave a single one of your ants alone. }

Kyle

And with that, the crimson light disappears.

[Music ends.]

Tom (as Xoc)

Misha Jarvis, are you okay?

Ari (as Misha)

[Tearful.] No, I’m not. I did not like doing this. Why did you tell us to do this? What did you think that would accomplish?!

Ari

And that’s to Hopscotch.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Hell if I know, but a gambler knows you don’t put your own life in the pot.

Emily

Elee’s gonna sock Hopscotch.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Hopscotch is hurting. He’s hurting real bad.

Emily

Yeah.

Hallie

Hopper Scotch was about to. Like…

Kyle

Yeah, he gets punched, but you see him set his hands back on the dice and you see an EZ-Life Brand on the back of his hand light up…

Emily

[Sighs.]

Kyle

…and he rejuvenates with life, because while Hopper Scotch lost life points in hopscotch, Hopscotch has enough that he has some to spare.

Hallie

[Quietly, ascending in pitch.] No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Kyle

And then someone please pick on the map where you think Evil Elee and Evil Misha would be.

Tom

Well Xoc doesn’t know about Legrash.

Emily

Yeah.

Ari

Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, honestly. Misha will look at the map, and when they see Legrash, or—I always forget how to pronounce it.

Kyle

We do Legrash. That’s how—I think that’s the intent.

Tom

[Over-the-top mocking voice.] Well canonically…

There are many different pronunciations in-universe too.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

[Extra whiny.] Well canonically there are many pronunciations for this place.

Tom

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Emily

[Squeaks with delight.]

Ari

Okay. So yeah, they will look at it and then they will stop and say,

Ari (as Misha)

Well, I don't remember many other than the ones that I have gone with, with you, but other than that there’s Legrash, and… and Legrash.

Ari

[Laughing.] And they will just point to that one, because that’s really the only one.

Emily

Elee is going to look deeply upset.

Emily (as Elee)

[Sarcastic and pained.] Oh! Great! Yup. That’s the one. Found it.

Ari (as Misha)

You know it too?

Emily (as Elee)

Sure do. You know, some good things, some bad things, some medium things.

Ari (as Misha)

It’s the same for me too. Mostly good things. Just one bad thing.

Emily (as Elee)

[Strained.] That’s good.

Kyle

You know how I said we were only gonna play things from the core rulebook? Fuck it! I’m breaking that rule, because I put a creepy castle above Legrash and damned if I’m not gonna use Hanrenheid Castle, the creepy science lab castle.

Ari

Oh no! Not that castle, Kyle!

Emily

Yup.

[Lightning leads in to classical Halloween organ music.]

Kyle

So it’s storming and it’s raining. It was always dusty in your Legrash, but it’s raining here because it’s an alternate universe and I can do what I want. The rain is pouring down as the wheels of the ladybeetle make their way up towards Hanrenheid Castle, although in this world it’s more like a fortress.

[Music ends.]

And as you make your way up, Hopscotch just looks to the rest of you and says,

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Now these two in our world are hell in a hand basket. Going straight up to them with your “three claws” is not necessarily the smartest idea, so—

Emily (as Elee)

Why do you keep saying three claws? Are there more than three? Does she have more than three claws?

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

[Giggles.]

Emily (as Elee)

Don’t laugh at me!

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Y’all best come up with a plan.

Emily

Elee’s feeling really jealous and inadequate right now.

Hallie

In response to “y’all best come up with a plan,” Hop will say,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, because your gambles failed?

Emily

[Squeaks and laughs.]

Ari

Oh… OH! Shots fired!

Tom

Ohh! Ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohh!

Kyle

Hopscotch looks unphased, but little Simon Simon hurts inside.

Hallie

Wow, it’s just the same name. [Laughs.]

Kyle

His first and last name are swapped in this universe, but it’s still Simon Simon.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

That’s better! And I’m glad he’s hurting. Thank you.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Can I ask, what did you try that didn’t work?

Ari (as Misha)

Gambling.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Exactly. I tried the biggest gamble I could think of. This is my first plan.

Hallie

Hopper was not expecting that answer, and he is so much angrier.

Tom

We can throw him out of the vehicle, right?

Hallie

That would be fine, with me and with Hopper.

[Laughter.]

Emily (as Elee)

Alright. You need to stop laughing when I ask you about the claws.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Eleven!

Emily (as Elee)

[Indignant.] Eleven?!

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

She’s got eleven. You happy?

Emily (as Elee)

[Confused and upset.] Where… Where?! Does she fit them all on her hands? Are they on both hands? Are they on her feet? How does she have eleven?

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Beats the hell out of me, alright. That wasn’t what she was preoccupied with talking about. By the way, you may wanna prepare yourself. You ain’t gonna like this next part.

[00:40:00]

Hallie (as Hopper)

Have we liked any part?

[Chuckling.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

It was a dramatic transition, baby face.

Ari

[Surprised and amused yelp.]

Hallie

Hopper, in response to that, will slam the papers down that he was scribbling little plans on and go,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Your mustache looks bad!

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Well it looks better than the sideburns I know both of us tried in college.

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Ari

Oh…

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t want to be impolite here, but I don’t like you.

[Chuckling.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Funny, the one thing you and I have in common, it seems.

Hallie

[Laughs.] In response, Hopper will sort of hold his hands over the table like he’s got a proposition.

[Sinister cowboy music begins.]

Hallie (as Hopper)

As you’ve said several times now, you’re a gambling man. How confident are you in a gamble that you could successfully lead Elee and Ashim into a trap for us? If we were to set up some kind of thing, we would need someone who’s good at risks, brave enough to take them, and can calculate them to be able to pull this off. Now I’m not saying—

Kyle

Give me a roll.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Nineteen.

Emily

[Excited.] Ooh!

Kyle

He leans in close and his smirk grows even wider.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

I’m listening.

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

Kyle

Hello, and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, The Daemon AU. I’m Kyle, your GM, and today’s episode is a bit of a unique one, and not just because it’s a bonus episode.

Today’s episode is also unique because I used a new editing format for it. Going into this episode we had three hours of content, which is about one and a half to two times more than a regular episode, and I realized pretty quickly on that either I would have to do something different or this episode was going to be the entirety of November. So, I ended up adopting a looser editing format for this where I used software to help me figure out some of the breaks and used a little bit less music than I normally would.

This isn’t a style that I’m planning to use for any of our mainline episodes, but I’d still love if you could tell us what you think about it, because if possible I might start using this for more bonus episodes or for things during our mid-season break, just to make sure that those don’t dominate the schedule like they usually do and that we can keep having bonus episodes while staying at a regularly fair schedule. But, of course, I only wanna do that if these episodes are still enjoyable to listen to with this style, and if you find that the editing makes it a bit harder to listen to I’d love to know that as well.

Something that definitely doesn’t make this episode harder to listen to is the voice work of Aaron Catano-Saez who has returned for the second year in a row as the voice of our one-and-only Victor Daemon.

When he’s not being our vampire bartender Aaron is the co-host on All My Fantasy Children, a character creation, world building, and storytelling podcast where each week he and his co-host take a listener submitted prompt and use tabletop roleplaying games and random results tables to create their backstory and develop an original fantasy world, and it’s really, really fun.

All My Fantasy Children is the kind of show that’s focused on really fleshing out the characters in the world and exploring those folks who don’t get big stories in fantasy worlds such as the hired help Victor probably has. I mean, he’s a vampire, but he’s still gotta rest sometimes. You gotta take you-time.

In addition to co-hosting All My Fantasy Children, Aaron is a player on Skyjacks: Courier’s Call. Skyjacks: Courier’s Call is an all-ages actual play podcast that follows four sky–mail deliverers. I’m not kidding, that’s what it is and it’s awesome. Whether by sky ship or on the backs of giant birds, someone’s got to deliver the mail, and it’s up to the apprentices of the Swiftwall Courier Service to do the job.

If you’re interested in either of those projects of Aaron’s that I’ve mentioned you can find links to those below as well as a link to a third show which is unrelated to Aaron but I thought fit the Halloween spirit.

[00:45:00]

I’ve actually got a trailer for this one, so I am going to not give any more preamble and just let you have a listen.

[Trailer begins.]

Hi there. My name is Remy Stanford. I’m the creator of this podcast, and I’ll be your host in the upcoming weeks.

[Spooky yet happy and upbeat music plays.]

So, what is the Spooky Sapphic Storyteller?

Well, for now, it’s just me and my dog, Ollie, chatting to a microphone alone in my cabin in the woods. Well, I’ll be the one chatting, not Ollie so much.

Anyway. Being one of the very, very few gay people in North Carolina is pretty lonely, so… I thought I’d start sharing my experiences. Hearing other people’s stories helped me so much when I was in the process of coming out, so I figured I’d give my own show a shot.

Of course, this isn’t just for people new to the community. We’ll be diving into a variety of LGBTQ topics such as mental health, friendship, and queer representation in the media. My goal is to create a discussion around these topics, and I hope you’ll participate through social media.

I’ll also try my best to get my friend Bowie Bird on here, both for the gay stuff and the paranormal. While we both work as reporters right now, we kind of have a little side gig looking into paranormal activity. North Carolina may be a little bit lacking in the queer population, but it has lots of cool creepy folklore, and being out in the woods and working in an old small town… we’re bound to stumble across something spooky soon.

So stick around to hear more about LGBTQ topics, living in the middle of nowhere, and whatever ghostly happenings Bowie and I come across. Episode 1 will launch on Monday, September 14. In the meantime, come say hi on Twitter at @TSSS_pod, or on Instagram at @SpookySapphicStoryteller.

Talk to you again soon, and until then, stay spooky.

[Happy-spooky music plays again, and the trailer ends.]

Kyle

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. Our next episode will be releasing in a week and a half on Monday, November 9, but if you’d like additional content before then you can find stories, artwork, and behind the scenes insights at Patreon.com/QuestFriends. I’ll see you there.

[Quirky Halloween music carries out of the announcements.]

Kyle

With a massive agonizing groan the two giant front doors of Hanrenheid Castle slowly open up, and inside is a warmer light than you’ve ever seen in that castle before.

[Sinister subdued music begins.]

It starts with a single small orange flame, then next to it another, and next to it another, until, as if walking through a horrific parted sea, Hopscotch alone walks forward through a sea of lit candles, and at the end, sitting in a small humble chair, slouched over like someone who is barely clinging to life, is a small figure who just kind of moves her head a little bit in response to him.

[Music ends.]

Hopscotch makes his way to the throne and says,

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Well… howdy there, pretty lady.

[Others giggle.]

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Deathly rattling hiss.]

Ari

What the—

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

I’ve, uh, brought something to you, something I think you’ll like a fair bit.

Kyle

He grabs a small book of ants that I’m gonna say Hop got out of Library Access for Misha to read on the road trip, and he just kinda throws it to Evil Elee’s feet.

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Deathly rattling hiss.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Well, I thought you would like it. It really brightens the place up, don’t you think? [Chuckles emptily.]

Kyle

And he just kind of looks back at the door and his eyes bug out a little bit. Then he just takes a moment to breathe, slicks back his hair.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Speaking of, might I say that this new light really illuminates your radiance, ma’am, if I can say so myself.

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Deathly rattling snarl.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

[Startled, but holding composure.] Well, okay! Okay, you know, heh… I’m just saying that a woman of your beauty just languishing here by herself, I’d wager that isn’t what you really want.

[Quiet chuckling.]

Kyle

[Smiling.] And as he says his last line, because I can’t continue doing this…

[00:50:00]

Tom

[Mockingly.] Are you giving up so soon, Kyle?

Emily

[Giggling.] Please give up.

Kyle

We fly back to the door where we just see Nessley taking this giant cloth and daintily draping it right in front of the doorway on the ground.

Hallie (as Nessley)

You see, when you have a cheese cloth, what you are actually making is cottage cheese.

Hallie

And then Ness will take him by the scruff of his little sweater vested bowtie and go,

Hallie (as Ness)

Nobody cares about cheese making!

Hallie

[Laughing.] Just shaking him as if this has been going on for a very long time and he has been bottling this up for that entire time.

Kyle

So yeah, you are all outside of Hanrenheid Castle. The doors are still open, and you’re all kind of leaning on the wall super sneaky-like. If I remember what you said before we recorded this part of the session, even the Ladybeetle is behind some bushes. Just all hiding. Occasionally one of you might poke your head in to listen to the catastrophe happening inside.

Emily

Elee has poked her head in once, realized what was happening, and didn’t again.

Ari

Misha is the farthest away, like if there was a little tree farther from everything else they are there, just their head poking out a little bit from behind the tree.

Emily

[Giggles.] Aww.

Hallie

Hopper probably wanted to keep tabs on Hopscotch just to see how the beginning of his plan went, and then Hop started saying the words that he was saying, and so Hop just stopped and, like, just his hands over his eyes, and he’s looking down.

Hallie (as Hopper)

I don’t know why he chose this approach.

[Pinched.] As long as it works, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Emily (as Elee)

It’s fine.

Hallie (as Hopper)

It’s fine!

Emily (as Elee)

It’s… fine!

Hallie (as Hopper)

As long as it works.

Emily (as Elee)

[Strained.] Great.

Hallie

And then looking down at the cheese cloth Hop will turn to Nessley and be like,

Hallie (as Hopper)

So this will do what we want it to do, right? Unlike your friend there?

Hallie

And Nessley, he like…

Tom

[In Nessley’s voice.] Oh, he’s not my friend.

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Nessley)

Right-o, mate. It’ll work just fine.

Hallie

Ness, by the way, is still holding him by the scruff of his little sweater vest and shaking him back and forth.

[Laughter.]

So this should be punctuated with like eye rattle sounds like when you put a plastic ball in a jar.

[Plastic bells rattle.]

Hallie (as Nessley)

This cheese cloth, because it excels at separating this from other things when you are making artisanal crafts, should work really well on the application you would like to use it for, although it is not artisanal crafts.

Tom

Artisanal stratic life.

Kyle

So to make sure I understand this correctly, you have a cheese cloth…

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

…which, as we’ve mentioned before this, is over a hole…

Hallie

Mm-hmm!

Kyle

…and you want to use it to separate… things.

Hallie

Yes, but you’re missing a key part of it. A key part is that there’s a rug as well as the cheese cloth. [Laughs.]

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Between the cheese cloth and the hole. So if we get Elee to chase Hopscotch over here…

Kyle

Okay! So that’s your part of the plan, and his plan is to lure, right?

Hallie

His plan is to lure. I explicitly wanted him as bait.

Kyle

Yeah, so his plan is to lure, which he took as to “allure.”

Hallie

Yeah.

Ari

[Smiling.] Oh my god, yes.

Kyle

And we’re gonna transfer back to him as he’s just, like,

[Sexy club music begins.]

Re-posing himself into like a sexy fashion. I don't know. He’s draped himself on a very particularly large candle, burned himself a little, like…

[Seethes sharply.] Ah!

…and then just put his hand back.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Now as a kind of lone ranger myself I understand the appeal, but again, it’s gotta be awful lonely in here. You don’t go seeking out multiple dimensions unless you’re…

Kyle

And he points to his chest.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

…missing a little bit of a universe in here as well.

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Deathly rattling hiss.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Speaking of, that book right there actually came from another universe. If you’d like, we could maybe talk a little bit more and I could get some more comfortable gifts for you.

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Long sharp hiss.]

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Oh, excuse me, what was that?

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Long sharp hiss.] Soe.

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

Ah, Soe? What’s one of those? You want one of those things?

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And it’s at that moment you just hear a fwap, and from outside you hear a cartoon “WHOA~” as Hopscotch just flies out of the building, he skids right in front of the carpet, then pops over it and just kind of skids down the road like an aggressively thrown skipping stone.

Tom

[Amused and surprised.] I thought he was just gonna get fucking stabbed.

[Clang leads into rising monstrous villain music.]

Kyle

And you hear a massive boom from inside the building as if a ton of metal had just risen and slammed on the ground, and you keep hearing that drag across the floor as from the inside we can see Evil Elee slowly rising up, and her head’s still down, stepping forward and forward, and her voice changes from a whisper to something much more aggressive.

[00:55:00]

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

[Speaks with a monstrous snarl.] I know that you’re here. I know how you try to stop me, but our love cannot be stopped. I will collect everything related to Karl except for one.

Kyle

And you can hear her getting closer and closer. She’s about five feet away.

Kyle (as Evil Elee)

Soe Badge, a personification of a BETRAYAL from a traitorous Elee. I will take everything and make it part of the collection but this thing and the traitor who spawned it.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And at that point she is outside of the door, and she just turns to look at you, Elee.

Emily

Elee would have… [Exhales, exasperated.]

Elee’s gonna, a little bit, maybe, slightly, you know, she’s not—

Kyle

Roll the attack. Roll the attack.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

—TOTALLY gonna ruin the plan. [Laughs.]

Ari

Noooo.

Tom

Let’s do this. No, it’s okay.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Roll the attack.

Hallie

It has to be done.

Emily

Well, well, well, well…

Tom

We have a Plan B. We have a Plan B.

Ari

What is the Plan B?

Emily

[Chuckling.] We don’t have a Plan B.

Kyle

[Smiling.] Roll the attack, Emily!

Ari

[As a reluctant groan.] No~

Emily

Okay. Great.

Kyle

Are you putting any Effort into it?

Emily

I’m gonna put in 2 levels of Effort, and I’m going to use Thrust which is 1 point of extra damage with a sharp weapon.

[Rolls. Nervous.] A 7.

[Stammers.] I- She- She threatened Soe, and she said that she was an abomination, and…

Hallie

It’s deserved. It’s warranted.

Tom

Give her the chair.

Kyle

She walks closer and closer, and she’s about to step onto the rug, but Elee cannot take it any longer.

Emily (as Elee)

[Angrily.] Don’t you DARE say her name.

Kyle

And Elee jumps out, hitting Evil Elee, but where normally you would see flesh it just kinda scrapes against metal, and both of you are pushed back a few feet away from the cloth, and you look up at her, and you can see underneath her hat two brightly glowing red eyes.

Now let’s talk about names for a second, because every evil version besides Evil Xoc got a fun cool name, right? Evil Ness is Nessley, Evil Hop is Hopscotch, Evil Misha is Ashim.

[Rising monstrous music begins.]

Well Evil Elee, her name isn’t Elee Badge, or even Elee B, it’s Elee Bees.

Hallie

[Long wheeze-laugh.]

Ari

[Smiling.] Oh my god.

Tom

[Amused.] I wasn’t expecting…

Emily

[Laughing, astonished.] What?!

Kyle

From behind her you hear a fierce buzzing, and like giant devil wings two ten-foot-tall wings made out of bees fly out from behind her back.

Emily

[Smiling, in disbelief.] WHAT?!

Kyle

And I want everyone to take 1 XP for what still feels like a GM Intrusion.

[Music ends.]

Also roll me initiative.

Emily

Uh… What?!

Tom

As combat starts, Xoc is just going to say,

Tom (as Xoc)

Time for Plan B.

Hallie

Time for Plan BEES!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

At the same time, Evil Xoc says,

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Time for Plan— [Trails off dejectedly.]

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Alright. What did everyone roll?

Emily

I rolled an 18.

Tom

[Mocking himself.] You have to roll first to know what you rolled.

[Rolls.] I rolled an 11.

Ari

I rolled a 12.

Hallie

I rolled a 1.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Smiling.] But it’s just initiative, so it’s fine.

Tom

[In a comical wavering voice.] Yes. Yeah!

Hallie

So it’s fine!

Kyle

I realized I made a mistake here, because in the order it’s 18 Elee, 12 Misha, 9… also Elee.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

But different Elee, also Misha, but different Misha, and then last is Hallie. Anyways, Elee, it’s your turn. [Laughs.]

Emily

Well, Elee Bees has threatened my daughter, so I’ve mapped this out. Let’s put in 3 levels of Effort.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I have an Asset on any attack roll on a previously attacked enemy, so that’s another one.

Kyle

That’s 4 levels.

Emily

That’s 4, and then I want to spend my XP as another level of Effort.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

[Rolls.] And I rolled 16.

Hallie

Nice.

Emily

[Cheerfully.] Thank you.

Kyle

So what did you do? Okay, so it succeeded, but what did you do?

Emily

I feel like…

[Gets tongue-tied and makes silly noises.]

I didn’t think this part through. I thought through let’s just put a bunch of stuff into it, but I didn’t think how I would actually hurt her, because like, she’s metal, right? And bees.

Kyle

Yes.

Hallie

[Laughs.] The worst combination.

Tom

Rip and tear!

Hallie

Just knock her on her back.

Emily

Yeah. Can I try to knock her over cannonball style?

Kyle

Sure. It won’t do any damage, but—

[01:00:00]

Emily

With my claws outstretched!

Kyle

Well it still won’t do damage, because you’re inducing an effect.

Emily

[Reluctant and emotional.] Fine!

Kyle

[Grinning.] She’s made of pure metal. You’re not gonna hurt her.

Emily

[Whining emphatically.] I’m trying to be helpful! I’m trying to be helpful, Kyle!

Tom

Maybe the claws impale her into the ground…

Emily

Yeah!

Tom

…like Lust from Full Metal Alchemist, and she’s just pinned there.

Emily

Yeah. What if I impale her onto the ground?

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

[Makes swishy action noises.]

Kyle

Okay. You jump out, you stab her…

Emily

Yeah!

Kyle

…and you impale her, and she’s on the ground! It is now Misha’s turn.

Ari

The thing is that, both out of character and in character, I think the emphasis of not fighting it head-on means that using Countermeasures which requires touching her is the wrong idea. So like, one of my ideas was literally try to use Fling on Xoc so that he got the fuck away, but he’s like “time for Plan B.” Because Misha does not want this, and even though Tom out of character has been stubborn and Xoc in character has been stubborn.

Kyle

[Smiling.] So Tom, what was your plan? What was Plan B?

Tom

[Playfully indignant.] Well if I get a turn I might get a chance to describe it. Are you saying I will definitely not get a turn?

Kyle

Well, use your plan, because now Misha’s gonna try to stop you, so we need to know it.

Tom

Well, Xoc was gonna leap out from the brush like behind Elee Bees, just like tap her with his right hand to activate the Countermeasures glove and thereby shut down Ashim’s magical powers at the very least and ideally just split the two of them apart.

Kyle

Oh, that’s a good plan. That’s a good plan, and maybe was a good plan. Uh, Ari and Tom, I think it’s time to do opposed rolls.

Hallie

You said one time that part of Ness’s mechanics could be used to aid another player in doing something.

Kyle

[Chuckling.] Yeah?

Hallie

And, the thing is that Ness… not a fan of the buzzing, when that happened.

Ari

Oh no.

Emily

Aww.

Hallie

He does not like Elee Bees. This is a turn he was not prepared for, and he is also not prepared for Xoc to leave, so Ness is actually gonna aid Misha’s roll.

Ari

Ohh!

Hallie

I am so sorry, Tom!

Kyle

Ari, give your Fling roll.

Ari

Okay.

Tom

I’m spending an XP before anything happens.

Ari

Can I expend an XP and…

Tom

Is it legal for us to cancel out each other’s XP? Isn’t that saying no, Kyle?

Kyle

No, because you’re just adding each to your own score.

Ari

I want an XP and 3 levels of Effort.

Tom

I want an XP to do a tactical Far Step to avoid the Fling.

Kyle

Okay, so Tom has his XP which is one step easier, so Tom gets a 3 added to his roll. Ari has one XP, 3 Effort, and Ness, which means she adds 5 levels or 15 to her roll.

Tom

Am I allowed to add Effort to a defensive roll?

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Oh, then in that case let’s add 5 levels of Effort.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Okay, so Tom has 6 steps, Ari has 5.

Ari (as Misha)

Xoc, no, it’s too dangerous.

Tom (as Xoc)

[Dramatic and heroic.] I have to do this!

Ari (as Misha)

You don’t have to do it! We have another plan!

Tom (as Xoc)

It’s the only way!

Ari (as Misha)

It’s not the only way!

Ari

[Rolls.] I rolled a 19.

Emily

[Yelps.]

Tom

[Chuckles quietly.]

Ari

[Riled up.] What did you roll?! Did you roll a 20?!

Tom

[Through a tight smiling grimace.] I rolled a 2!

Ari

Oh! [Laughs.]

Emily

[Laughs.]

Kyle

“I have to DO THIS~!”

It’s like his Team Rocket’s blasting away again.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Just, “I have to do this~!”

Tom

Xoc died that night.

[Laughter.]

Ari

[As a groan.] No~ No.

Tom

Flung off the edge of the cliff down from Hanrenheid Castle.

Kyle

[Composing himself.] Where has Xoc been flung?

Ari

Uh, if there’s like a patch of bushes or something that is not very… like, Misha doesn’t want to hurt him, they just don’t want him to be in the way of danger.

Kyle

Okay, so Tom, you’re like… you’re down at the bottom of the mountain in the one bush in Hanrenheid Castle. In fact, no, because in Legrash they don’t have any plants and stuff, there’s not a whole lot of bushes, so it’s just a tumbleweed which now has Xoc tumbling inside of it.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Ari

Roll that up, and Misha will be,

Ari (as Misha)

[Shouting to the distance.] I’m sorry, Xoc!

Tom

Yeah, that’s what I need an animatic of, just a GIF of Xoc in a tumbleweed tumbling around. Agh!

Kyle

Hey, by the way Xoc, it’s your turn.

Tom

Alright. I’m gonna ask for something a little wild. Here’s what I’m gonna ask.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

Can I take my action as I’m flying through the air about to fall off the mountain?

Kyle

I’ll let it pass, because it is still after what Misha did, so I’ll let it pass.

Tom

Okay.

Kyle

But it is after the terminal velocity right before you’re gonna do that little anime twinkle that Team Rocket does when they’re too far away.

Tom

There’s a reason it’s called “terminal” velocity.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

[Laughs.] You’re almost at twinkle velocity, so you gotta act fast.

Tom

Anyway. I would like to fire Cutting Light and just use a certain property of Cutting Light,

[01:05:00]

not exactly to deal damage per se, but I believe it is two meters of metal that I can cut through.

Kyle

[Interested.] Okay?

Tom

So let’s scroll to the correct part.

Emily

Don’t miss, because Elee’s on top of Elee.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

It’s fine.

Uh… Okay, so the material has to be Level 6 or less, one foot of any material that is Level 6 or less. So here’s the question: Is Elee’s armor also Level 10? And, counter point, if it is, can I use that to burn through enough of it so that she is now less than Level 10? That’s my idea here.

Kyle

Sure.

Tom

Okay. Alright. I’m assuming I still need to roll to aim, correct?

Kyle

Considering you are hurdling through the sky, yes.

Tom

Alright. I imagine that would be a bit of a setback. I’ll spend another 5 levels of Effort.

Ari

Oh my god.

Emily

How much do you have?!

Tom

I have Intellect to spare.

[Rolls.] It’s a 14! Oof, I guess that’s Level 4, 5 levels of Effort… Ooh, no.

Kyle

So that would be… you did 5 levels of Effort. Oh no, Elee is Level 10.

Tom

[Disappointed.] Oh…

Kyle

So we just see a beam of light cut through the sky,

[Sounds of exertion.] super dramatic, and then just “tink.” It tinks off Evil Elee’s armor and just burns a hole in the ground like a laser pointer reflecting off of a mirror.

Emily

Elee will like,

Emily (as Elee)

[Growls with gritted teeth.] Watch where you’re aim—Where’s Xoc?!

Tom

[Dramatic distant shouting.]

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

He’s safe!

Emily (as Elee)

What do you mean he’s safe?!

Hallie

[Laughs.] He’s safe, as he flies into the distance!

Tom

[Pretending to get more distant.] Aaaah! No! Misha, whyyy? … Ow.

Kyle

At that, Evil Elee looks up at you, Elee, and she shinks out her hands, and out of each finger, like Freddy Krueger, comes a claw. A claw comes out of each of her ten fingers resulting in eleven claws… and she’s gonna swipe at you.

Emily

Alright. I’m gonna put in 2 levels of Effort. Yes, 2 levels of Effort.

[Rolls.] It’s not gonna be enough, because I only get 2.

Kyle

Yeah, take 11 points of damage, one for each claw.

Ari

Oh no!

Hallie

Agh!

Kyle

Actually… She would have azure steel too, wouldn’t she? Take 22 points of damage, 2 for each claw.

Emily

Twenty-two?!

Hallie

Oh my god! That’s so many points!

Ari

Oh no! Wow, [unintelligible].

Emily

Twenty-two?!

[Evil apocalyptic music begins.]

Kyle

And after she just claws you to the side, Elee Bees rises up on her giant wings…

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

…and suddenly her eyes that are red glint even brighter, because Ashim has the same spells as Misha does.

Ari

Oh, please no.

Kyle

But stronger.

Ari

No… no, no, no.

Kyle

And as she rises up with a flutter…

Tom

If only this wasn’t happening right now.

Kyle

…the cheese cloth—

Ari

Well, but what if you had rolled like a 1? You rolled a 2 in the protection thing.

Emily

You do have 9 Might.

Kyle

The cheese cloth starts to flutter as a wind comes in and so do little pebbles, rocks, higher and higher.

Ari

No, not my cloud.

Kyle

And then with a [Harsh crunching noise.]

You just hear a giant boulder break off of the mountainside, and all of you…

Ari

No. I’m so sorry.

Kyle

I’m not gonna have you roll, but you won’t take damage. All of you are lifted up in a giant version of the Matter Cloud: the Matter Tornado.

[Music ends.]

Alright Hop, you’re in a tornado just floating around. There’s a cheese cloth. There’s ness and Nessley.

Tom

You’ve watch so many betrayals. People are going rogue left and right.

Hallie

And not adhering to the plan. I have one plan. I’m gonna be using my XP, and my plan involves a couple steps, so hear me out. I wanna take the cheese cloth.

[Laughs.] I was gonna put it in my Defibrillimb to make a net gun like they have t-shirt guns but with the cheese cloth, and I was gonna use my Snipe ability to just snipe Evil Elee with the cheese cloth, and we’re gonna flavor this a lasso snipe. It’s gonna be amazing.

Kyle

[Amused.] What does Snipe do?

Hallie

The difficulty of the attack is decreased by 1 stat, and if it’s successful it inflicts 4 additional points of damage, but I’m not really trying to damage, I just want the net on Elee Bee, because then it will hopefully…

Tom

Make it 2 steps less, Kyle. Make that ruling.

Kyle

No, it’ll be 1 step less, but how much Effort are you using?

Hallie

Um, 5.

Kyle

Alright. So the cloud is rising, Ness is probably like “WHOA” as Nessley is just sitting there drinking his tea.

Hallie

Nessley is still spouting out facts about cheese cloth, but I don't know enough facts about cheese making and cheese cloth to continue to spout that, but he is still fucking going.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Nessley sees like an agate fly by amidst the matter cloud and is just like:

[01:10:00]

[In Nessley’s voice.] Oh, now this beauty, this is quite an exceptional specimen. As you can see, an agate has formed within the spinal column of this fossil.

Hallie

[Laughing.] It’s really hard to do an accent with the Ness voice, isn’t it?

Tom

It’s impossible, fucking impossible.

Hallie

[Laughing.] It’s fucking impossible!

Also, Ness is just throwing rocks, but at Nessley not at Elee Bees.

[Laughter.]

And Hop takes the shot…

[Rolls.] …

[Takes a deep breath.]

Ari

Hallie, please. Hallie?

Emily

Hallie? Hallie…?

Tom

Just get a 12 or higher to win, just a 12 or higher.

Ari

[On edge.] Hallie, hello? Hallie, please, hello?

Emily

[On edge.] Hallie? Hallie…?!

Tom

[Grounded.] Just a 12 or higher.

Hallie

[Upset, but still laughing throughout.] It’s… That’s my second 1 in a row. I’ve only rolled twice…

Ari

No, not a 1! You got a 1?

Hallie

…and I got a second 1!

Ari

Oh buddy, no.

Hallie

And I thought to myself maybe I should switch dice, but really maybe I’ve just gotten the bad one out of this one and I should just try a new tact, which is using the same die for the whole session, and it’s my second one!

Emily

[With care.] Hallie, no…

Tom

Does the cheese cloth just fire backwards and Hop joins Xoc at the bottom of the mountain?

Hallie

[Laughs heavily.]

[Whoosh sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

We flash back to the Daemon Saloon.

[Transition SFX leads into constant rumbling.]

There’s a disturbance. Reality itself inside the bar seems to flutter a little bit, and things start to float, and Victor Daemon just looks around.

Aaron (as Victor)

[Curious, his attention piqued.] Hmm?

Kyle

And goes back to cleaning the bar.

Aaron (as Victor)

[As if shrugging it off.] Hmm…

[Music ends. Whoosh sound signaling a scene change.]

Ari

[Smiling.] Is this going to be one of those specials that are not canon because everybody dies?

Hallie

[Breathes.]

Kyle

Hop, roll me a flat d20.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Uh, 8.

Kyle

So there was a condition. It was a 50-50% odds.

Hallie

[Wryly.] Great.

Ari

[As a groan.] No.

Kyle

Top half, there’s a round two. Bottom half, there isn’t.

[Sad Halloween piano music begins.]

Ari

Oh no, I’m sorry.

Hallie

Why did you make me roll?

Kyle

Misha and Elee, you watch as the tornado picks up more and more. The candles on the ground start to fly around the space. They remain their brightness despite the winds trying to extinguish them, but surely enough, one by one, they all extinguish until there are eight candles left, facing each other, opposites.

Two of the candles go out, then two more, then two more, and then finally---

[Music ends abruptly.]

Aaron (as Victor)

Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. What exactly do you think you’re doing?

Kyle

Well, I’m finishing the story. Hallie rolled really badly, like… she rolled poorly, I made my rules clear.

Aaron (as Victor)

[Emotional.] But that’s so dark.

Kyle

Well it’s Halloween, Victor! It’s Halloween! What do you want me to do?

Aaron (as Victor)

I don't know. Why don’t you give the players one of those critical dice rolls they like so much.

Kyle

I’m not just giving Hallie a free 20.

Aaron (as Victor)

Oh, I think you are.

Kyle

No, I’m not just giving Hallie a free 20!

Aaron (as Victor)

Fine. Fine. I guess I’ll just have to let everyone know of your ill-advised YouTube career.

Kyle

… Hallie, you rolled a 20.

Hallie

[Delighted.] I love Halloween!

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

That’s why I call it Hallie-ween.

[Evil piano music begins.]

Kyle

So Elee Bees continues her speech, getting louder and louder, and then suddenly,

Kyle (as Elee Bees)

[Speaks with a monstrous snarl.] I will destroy every—

[Music ends abruptly.]

[Mumbles, unable to speak.]

Kyle

Her mouth is covered… and tastes vaguely of curds and whey, as just with a “bloop, bloop, bloop,” but much deeper, she falls onto the ground as the rest of you gently float down from the tornado like fucking Princess Peach at the end of any Mario game.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

So how do you… Do you just wring her out? Do you like take the cheese cloth and just roll it over?

Hallie

[Laughing.] Yeah, that was the plan!

Now she’s, like, you know, she’s not as mobile as she once was, so we can all just…

Emily

[Laughing.] Someone’s gonna have to take over a little bit for Elee, because Elee’s gonna try to punch it out of her.

Hallie

Oh no, we’re gonna stop that.

Hallie (as Hopper)

No, Elee, Elee! Productive! Productive, productive! Put it all in the wringing action. Put it all in the wringing action.

Emily (as Elee)

[Labored and aggressive.] I’m gonna wring it so hard!

Tom

While they’re wringing her out, Xoc—because this was my plan, I was queueing everything up if we went to round two, I was so excited for Xoc’s second attempt.

[Inspiring rock music begins.]

Xoc is gonna like Far Step arching himself up into the air above where Elee Bees would have been, “I Believe” from Persona 5 Royal playing in the distance, twirling down like he’s Joker to try and do another Countermeasures grab, and then he just lands.

[Music ends suddenly.]

Tom (as Xoc)

[Dejected.] Oh… Well, alright then.

Kyle

And Evil Xoc just looks at you, gives you a thumbs up.

Tom (as Xoc)

I don’t need your approval.

Kyle

As we can see the two ferocious lights of Elee Bees’s eyes fade as she gets disconnected from her patron, Ashim, Evil Xoc just gives you a thumbs up and says,

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

I got the Elee Bees. I got her. Me.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily

From the ground, where she’s been wringing out Elee Bees but is also impaired and stabbed by eleven claws…

[01:15:00]

Ari

[As a groan.] Oh no.

Tom

[With a chuckle.] Elee no.

Emily (as Elee)

[Heated.] DID YOU NOW?

Kyle

As you do that, Elee, you just feel, kind of gently, Misha’s head just flop onto your shoulder, and then flop a little bit further down, and then flop uncomfortably backwards.

Emily

I’m gonna catch… I’m gonna catch them. They’re gonna be bent at an awkward angle because I’m too short, but…

Kyle

Oh… Oh, they’re bent at all angles.

[Horrifying ambient music begins.]

Ari

Oh no.

Emily

Oh no…

Kyle

You look down and you see this plain-faced expressionless Misha Jarvis.

Emily

[Groans in discomfort.]

Kyle

Looking more like a robot with a still—you know, a face meant not to move like an animatronic but just still. It goes down, you can see this central column and cords connecting their head which is struggling to stay up to the rest of their body which is worn down after, ah, let’s say 45 years or so of lack of use.

Ari

Egh… Oh god.

Kyle

And a couple of hands on this Evil Misha’s head pick it up and it looks at all of you and says,

Kyle (as Ashim)

You think you could stop me so easily?

Emily

Elee will like push them off and be like ew, ew!

Ari

Misha will just pop their head from behind the tree and be like,

Ari (as Misha)

[Fighting hesitancy.] Yes we can!

Emily

Aww!

Ari

And then go back behind the tree.

Hallie

Ness, from also behind the tree, pokes his head out where Misha’s was and goes,

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah!

Hallie

[Laughs.] And then goes back.

Where is the book at this point?

Kyle

Wait. Are you talking about the book that…

[Snaps.] What is it? Hopscotch gave Elee Bees?

Hallie

Yeah, the ant book.

Kyle

I’d say it’s at one of your feet. Like, it tornadoed around.

Hallie

Alright.

Kyle (as Ashim)

How funny. You stick to such a useless form.

Kyle

And they kind of just flop their arms around ineffectually.

Kyle (as Ashim)

When I find a new, better one, I will stop you for sure.

Emily (as Elee)

[Expressing doubt.] Hmm.

Tom

Yeah, that’s right, get out of here. Go get off to the 2021 holiday special.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Ari

I guess when they say that Misha will kind of try to make contact with Hopper and say,

Ari (as Misha)

Sure, that form you’re in is not the best, I’m sure you will find a better one but just not in here.

Ari

And try to kind of cue Hopper.

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Okay, out of character, it’s we want to trick them because we want them to think it’s a cool big living ant they can control but it’s actually a little ant in a pop-up book, so we have to figure out a way. Shadow puppetry! We have to do something like that.

Kyle

Yeah, sure. Some of the candles are on the ground next to you.

Hallie

We’re gonna do some shadow puppetry!

Emily

Yeah~

Hallie

I’d like to roll a shadow puppetry roll. That is not a skill that Hopper has. Could it be my Flex Skill?

Tom

[Amused.] Could Xoc help?

Kyle

Sure.

Tom

Xoc is specialized in sleight of hand.

Hallie

[Thrilled.] Oh my god! You’re specialized in sleight of hand! Xoc and Hop!

[Others cheer and gasp in surprise.]

Kyle

So how about Hop speaks while Xoc is just using this little book to make a shadow puppet and make it look like this big scary monster is on the wall?

Hallie

Perfect. So, after getting the visual cue from Misha, Hop is trying not to look in Xoc’s direction, not to give it away, but he’ll say,

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, I mean, a better form, you’re gonna have a hard time topping bees. The only thing worse than ants…

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I’m gonna say that’s in character, and then suddenly—

Ari

I remember that wrong.

Kyle

You feel a weight on your shoulder, and you can just feel a finger gun coming as Hopscotch leans on you, does a finger gun point to Ashim and says,

Kyle (as Hopscotch)

The only ferocious monster I’d bet on over bees would be an ant.

Kyle

And the finger gun goes from Ashim and just points over to the shadow on the wall.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Hopper’s fucking furious that Hopscotch had to deliver that line because he flubbed it.

Ari

[Unintelligible] line!

Hallie

He’s so fucking mad. He just stands there, thousand yard stare, staring straight ahead as the rest of this happens.

Kyle

Xoc and Hop, give me a roll, just a flat one, no Effort.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Ten.

Tom

[Rolls.] I had a 7.

Kyle

And Hopscotch rolled an 11.

Hallie

[Breathy, exasperated.] God.

Kyle

So thanks to Hopscotch’s efforts in particular…

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Huffily collects her dice together and angrily throws the bag aside.]

Kyle

…Ashim looks at the shadow…

Tom

I built up these skills over it. Why didn’t you let us use Effort?!

Hallie

I have never been angrier. The only time is after Questionable Measures finale. That is the only time I have ever been this angry.

Ari

Did you roll another 1? I missed this.

Hallie

No! I just rolled a 10 and Hopscotch rolled an 11 so he gets the credit for the win, and I don’t have any calming jasmine tea on hand at this point in time.

[01:20:00]

Ari

Well, now you know how A.Lex felt when I rolled a 10 and Madeline rolled a fucking 11.

Hallie

[Shrieks and warbles in anger and a little laughter.]

Tom

[Softly.] What? What was that sound?

Hallie

[Splutters.] Just keep going. Just keep going. I’m gonna mute myself, but this is all gonna be in my recording.

Emily

[Laughs.]

Hallie

[Shouts.] AHH! I’m so mad!

[Sobs.] Fuck! AAAH!

[Others try, just a little, to contain their laughter.]

[Comically happy conclusion music plays.]

Kyle

The pair of red lights looks at the shadow on the wall…

Hallie

I’m so fucking mad.

Kyle

…and then, without even looking…

Hallie

I’m just so fucking mad!

Kyle

…a bright crimson light erupts, it almost blows out of Ashim’s eyes, and then suddenly that red light congeals into this small little ant in a little pop-up book…

Hallie

Fuck.

Kyle

…which Xoc is just able to close.

Tom

Slam it shut.

Ari

Nice.

Hallie

[Grits, strains and seethes as the happy upbeat music ends.]

Kyle

All five of you have now left Nessley, Hopscotch and Evil Xoc behind…

Hallie

With pleasure.

Kyle

…and made your way back into the Daemon Saloon, haggard and tired in both character form and out of character.

Aaron (as Victor)

Oh! Had a fun adventure, did you?

Hallie (as Hopper)

No.

Tom (as Xoc)

Not even slightly.

Emily (as Elee)

She had eleven claws.

Ari (as Misha)

Your concept of fun is very strange and I do not agree with it.

Hallie (as Ness)

It never happened. We’re never gonna talk about it again!

[Silly halloween music plays and carries out to the bloopers.]

Ari

It’s like that little robot that was on Mars and that just ended up—

Hallie

Oh nooo! The one that sang Happy Birthday to himself?!

Tom

Why would you do this?

Ari

[Laughing.] Yes, that one.

Kyle

[Emotional laughing.] Oh no!

Hallie

We’re like… We’re not even four minutes into the session and we’re all really sad already.

Tom

Why have you done this?

Kyle

I don't know if my AU’s gonna work considering that you’re all the monsters.

[Laughter.]

Tom

I don't know how to phrase properly Xin Eohp, however we pronounced the last name that Maya said the doppelganger for Nick was.

Hallie

Oh, that’s right!

Kyle

That’s right. Evil Misha is just a mobster. God, that would have been—That’s so much better than my plan! If Evil Misha was a mobster.

“Ey, it’s me, Misha Jarvis!”

[Laughter.]

Ari

No! That just sounds like VIRGULE!

Tom

Maybe that is Misha in the alternate universe, it’s VIRGULE but—

Ari

[Laughing.] No, please, don’t.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Oh my god! I love it so much!

Tom

VIRGULE but with legs, and a mobster, and then…

Ari

[Smiling.] Please, stop… No…

Tom

And then the VIRGULE of the other world is just like Misha but they’re a marionette and hang from the ceiling and go around on rails.

Hallie

I love it~

Ari

Why? What the fuck? No! Why?

Hallie

It’s very scary.

Ari

No~!

Emily

[Delighted.] “Sime” instead of “Simon” because he’s Hop instead of Hopper.

Ari

Sime Scotch.

Emily

I love it.

Kyle

[Laughs.] God, that’s amazing.

Tom

Holy shit.

Hallie

No… No…

Ari

It’s because to Misha they always have been saying Hopper Scotch but it just comes as Simon because it’s just messed up, so they just heard Sime Scotch, and they’re saying Hopscotch, but it’s Sime Scotch.

Emily

Aww!

Hallie

Oh no, that’s really fucking cute!

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

As the only nano in the world they have a whole lot of power, so…

Tom (as Xoc)

Wh-What?

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

…they’re just kind of using the Datafear.

Tom (as Xoc)

Elee is the only nano in the world? What do YOU do?

Kyle (as Evil Xoc)

Well I used to hit people with my staff, but then I lost it, and I can’t find it again.

[Laughter, poorly restrained.]

Kyle

You set yourself up for that one, Tom. You set yourself up for that one.

Tom

[Quietly.] This is fine… What could be wrong right now? What could possibly be wrong?

Emily

I am upset by so many things and none of them are in character anymore. I’m upset by Kyle’s winking.

Ari

Yeah!

Tom

It’s really… ugh.

Hallie

Yeah, it’s a lot to deal with.

Uh, I designate Elee as innocent, because then she gets an Asset to her Speed defense roll.

Ari

[Very emphatic.] You are innocent, Elee!

Emily

Only the one Elee, though.

Hallie

Only… the right Elee.

[Laughter.]

[01:25:00]

Emily

Getting a new die?

Hallie

Yeah, I’m getting a new die.

Tom

Can I also get a new die for this roll?

Hallie

You already—You signed your…

Tom

[Chuckling.] That I definitely already didn’t do.

Aaron (as Victor)

Fine. Fine. I guess I’ll have to let everyone know about the time YOU guested on All My Fantasy Children and didn’t know any table results. You brought nothing to character creation! You brought nothing to world building! Nothing at all!