The Daemon Delivery (Halloween 2022)

Transcript by Raina Harper

Kyle (as If)

[Chuckles.] Hello, guests and ghouls, and welcome to this year’s Halloween special.

Kyle

Today’s Halloween special follows up on our previous years’ Halloween specials, and as such it features heavy references to our previous campaign. As always, in the description we’ve got a link to a character list which will give you a brief description of pretty much any proper noun we use in this episode, so if something sounds unfamiliar you can check it out there.

Down there you can also see timestamped content notes which you might want to check out because this episode gets a little bit into the Halloween spirit.

[Silly Halloween music plays for the intro.]

[Sinister piano music begins]

Aaron (as Victor)

Good evening. I am Victor Daemon of the Daemon Saloon. Come in, come in, you know how it goes by now. Take a seat, have a snack, and peer into the crusty forgotten corners of your soul.

The visit repeats itself like poetry, and just like with every other year, please refrain from sitting in these four seats in front of me. For two long years these four lone furnishings have awaited their friends’ grand return, and at long, long last…

[A door creeks.]

…they arrive right on time, again.

[Ambling spooky music begins.]

Kyle

The Daemon Saloon looks the same as it did two years ago. It’s a nice rustic bar with a handful of fantasy creatures, one of which is absolutely stolen from D&D. It’s the one everybody likes. I’m not saying which because then you can fill it with your imagination.

Just like with the past couple of years, our adventure begins with Victor Daemon tending the bar with four empty seats in front of him before the door opens and four figures enter. But, it’s a bit different than it was in 2020, and then back in 2019.

[Music ends.]

In both of those, our heroes had found themselves in a group cluster lost somewhere in the wilderness where they stumbled upon this, but our group of adventurers today did not all enter this door together and they did not think they were lost, because they were celebrating Hallieween.

[Silly Halloween music begins.]

Hallieween is a festive celebration full of costumes and candy named after a specter from many years ago who was known for being particularly fashionable.

Hallie

Yes. I’m a fucking legend now.

Kyle

So, all cross The Valley and The Hereafter—I didn’t actually ask you where you were. All across the world of Quest Friends! Hereafter, our four protagonists were celebrating Hallieween each in their own costume and each in their own way, before opening a door that would take them someplace other than what they expected. What were each of you doing for Halloween and how were you dressed up? Did I say Halloween?

Emily

Yes.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

What were each of you doing for Halloween?

[Stammers.] What were—

[Laughter.]

Tom

They sound the same! Okay? When you say it, it sounds exactly the same.

Hallie

No it doesn’t!

Emily

“Did I say Halloween? What were you doing for Halloween?”

Hallie

Just say my name and then –ween.

Tom

You have to overemphasize “Hallie”-ween in order to say it.

Kyle

What were each of you doing for Hallieween?

Tom

There you go. So, Hilda is dressed up in what you might call unconventional wizard garb. Medieval-looking boots, cardboard with thin bits of aluminum over it to mimic medieval plate grieves, a blue doublet but instead of conventional poofy sleeves it has this section that comes down off the top of the doublet with little strips of fabric that are sensibly bedazzled with a couple of fake jewels here and there.

There is a cape that has an extended chunk around the neck area where it wraps together almost like a little shawl, and then a very poofy sprawling wizard’s hat.

[00:05:00]

Super-wide brimmed and would totally cover your face if you even slightly tilt your head down, and there is a blue feather in this hat as well.

The defining thing is it’s very blue which is perhaps not the best color scheme, but Hilda was very insistent it had to be book-accurate to the description.

Kyle

[Chuckles.] Were you just going out trick-or-treating, Hilda?

Tom

We’re going out pierogi trick-or-treating. For pierogi!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Right, because you’re celebrating—Alina actually had an event to run, you know, some Halloween ball, but you and your mom Yulia went back to Clown Town, did some celebrations, and last you remember you were actually going to open the door to Babcia Ania’s house.

[A door creeks.]

Alright. What was everyone else doing?

Hallie

I was at that Halloween party with Lucas Bang.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

We have a really cute couple’s costume. I’m dressed as… I’m sorry, Sparky Malarky is dressed—

[Laughter.]

Tom

You didn’t have to make that clarification, but it’s a lot funnier now that you did.

Hallie

I’m not happy with how tonight has gone, and we are nine and a half minutes into our recording.

Kyle

I was gonna say, this is the first you’ve spoken besides Hallieween.

Hallie

I know. I know.

Tom

Oh dear.

Hallie

Sparky Malarky is dressed as Kansas McClane who is like Indiana Jones if he was also John McClane, but if those two people were also one cowboy. So it’s like, you know, the brown pants and the brown jacket and a brown hat that has some steampunk flair on it. It’s cool. It’s like a steampunk princess cowboy vibe that Sparky Malarky’s got going on.

Then, Lucas Bang is the love interest from Kansas McClane which I definitely thought of before I said the words. Let me just, let me just…

Tom

Look, he’s just Channing Tatum from that movie that’s coming out.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Yeah, I was gonna say, he’s just a guy in, I don't know, a white tank top or something like that.

Hallie

Yeah, you know what, he’s just a guy in a white tank top. Adventure Bro, that’s what he is. He is Kansas McClane’s assistant, Adventure Bro.

Kyle

Got a white top tank, some worker’s pants, boots.

Hallie

Yeah. Exactly. It’s a vibe. So, they were at this sweet Halloween party and they were having a pretty good time. Sparky was for once not ruining things for herself and just having fun at a party, and then she left to find the bathroom and now she’s here.

[A door creeks.]

Emily

Irene is dressed up in a costume that her incredibly kind and well-meaning father made for her that she said she didn’t want but kind of did. It’s not quite like what she would have pictured from what the book said, but it has a lot of heart. She’s got a bunch of shawls and a giant hat that’s red. She did put some extra dirt and a couple little flowers on it. She’s got all her Necromon, and she’s hunting for pierogis. And by that I mean she’s rapping on doors and, instead of saying trick-or-treat or whatever it is for Hallieween if it’s not trick-or-treat, she’s saying:

Emily (as Irene)

Give me a pierogi.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Important question. Is it pierogis everywhere or did Irene get invited on this Clown Town trip?

Emily

Yeah, because it isn’t Halloween.

Kyle

It’s Hallieween.

Hallie

It’s Hallieween.

Tom

Uh-huh.

Emily

It’s Hallieween.

Kyle

Hallie could have been a clown.

Hallie

Who knows? Maybe I am a clown.

Tom

You’re not just a clown, you’re the entire circus.

Ari

You’re not a clown, you’re—God damn it.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Faster on the draw, doctor! What if Hilda invited Irene to Clown Town?

Emily

Irene will go to Clown Town, hesitantly, because she’s observing her rival in the wild.

[A door creeks.]

Kyle

Quique, what were you doing this Hallieween?

Ari

I don’t have a good excuse for him to be in Clown Town, so I guess I’m going to make the pierogi thing everywhere.

Kyle

I mean, it could be candy other places too.

Hallie

Other places.

Kyle

Either works. It’s either pierogis everywhere or Clown Town just does pierogis and everyone else does candy.

Ari

Okay, if they don’t have to be together… Quique forgot that it was Hallieween because he was so busy, but he does like handing candy to kids that knock on his door. He’s like “oh no, I don’t have candy, and I need a costume.” So, on the way he grabbed a coat that actually belonged to his best friend slash roommate that hasn’t been here for a long time but he left his coat at some point. So, it’s a bit big for Quique because he’s not that tall, but it’s a brown big trench coat that he’s wearing.

[00:10:00]

He also grabbed some leftover 3D glasses from last time he went to see a 3D movie with Yunuen, one of which is red and one of which is kind of blue but I mean you can think that it’s, you know, another type of color.

[Laughter.]

Tom

Yes. This is good.

Ari

Also, when he went to the supermarket to get candy, he bought a random black long wig. You know, why not? Make me look as different as possible. As he was coming out with the candy slash pierogis, he noticed that he was trailed by Tucán who happened to be nearby. So, he pat his head, rummaged in the closet, took this scarf that Quique has for when it’s cold outside, and he’s just wearing it trailing around Quique, holding the scarf in his beak.

So, he’s hurrying up slash in his house with this costume, waiting for kids to come by.

Kyle

Sure enough, you hear a knock or a ding-dong. Do you have a doorbell?

Ari

Yeah, he does. It’s usually disconnected, but for today only it is going to be connected for Hallieween.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I love that detail so much.

[A door creeks.]

So, Irene and Hilda, you go into Babcia Ania’s house ahead of Yulia. Quique, you open the door for a kid, and Sparky, you go on a brief bathroom break. As you walk through the door, it feels smaller and more condensed, but you realize that the door isn’t getting smaller… instead it’s getting more crowded.

[Silly ambling spooky music begins.]

Victor Daemon looks up from his post in the Daemon Saloon as Quique, Hilda, Sparky, and Irene all stumble inside through the open door.

Aaron (as Victor)

Good evening. I am Victor Daemon of the Daemon Saloon. Can I request your help this evening?

Ari

Quique will try to go back through the door, back to his house.

Hallie

[Laughs.] Right away.

Ari (as Quique)

I don't know what portal thing just happened, but I’m gonna try to go back to my house.

Kyle

You open the door and you hear a draft that isn’t there. There is this howling through the trees, but the wind actually doesn’t move that much. In front of you, you see massive tree trunks through a thick foggy forest that seems to extend forever.

Ari

Quique will look at this weird dude and, if Sparky is visible, at Sparky… and then back at the forest, and then at the room, and then just shrug like “I’ll take my chances.”

[Laughter. Music ends.]

Kyle

The door shuts behind you. Just, thud!

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

After it shuts, Tucán just (woodpecker sounds) starts rattling on the door fruitlessly. This man in front of you who looks very interesting—he doesn’t look like one of the living, but he doesn’t look like any of the dead that you would recognize either. He is a very pale man with a large presence. He’s got a mixture of this classic cloak and just a friendly worker’s apron. His most notable feature are two very large fangs. You see these fangs as he smiles in a seemingly earnest way.

Aaron (as Victor)

Well, now-now friend, no need to rush off so soon. I appreciate your gumption, but we need to discuss why you’re here first. Let’s catch up, you know?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Wow. You guys really went all-out for this bathroom. But, um, I was looking for a more… functional restroom? So, could you just point me towards that?

Aaron (as Victor)

Ah yes, the restrooms are just around the corner, but beware of the sentient goop. I just saw one go in and they tend to be a bit messy.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Chuckling.] Okay. You’re taking this real seriously. I respect it.

Tom

Hilda’s gonna make sure that Booker is here and safe, and scoop him up, and then just demand:

Tom (as Hilda)

Who are you and why have you taken us here?

Emily (as Booker)

[In agreement.] Rekoob!

Aaron (as Victor)

Oh? Do you not recognize me? I am your old friend Victor Daemon, of the Daemon Saloon. And of course, you…

Kyle

He pauses for a second and he looks at the four of you.

[Quirky music begins.]

Aaron (as Victor)

You do look a bit different, I suppose.

Kyle

He points to you, Hilda.

Aaron (as Victor)

You have a hat!

Kyle

And he points to you, Irene.

Aaron (as Victor)

You’re angrier somehow.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

He just kinda shrugs his arms at you, Quique.

Aaron (as Victor)

I don’t even know how to explain what’s going on with you. And you…

Kyle

He does a long point and pause to Sparky.

Aaron (as Victor)

You actually look like just as much of a mess as last time, so that tracks.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Buddy, if you knew how many times I heard that, you would know it means nothing to me anymore.

[00:15:00]

Aaron (as Victor)

Ah. Well, regardless, I uh, I um…

[Music ends.]

I summoned you because I’m Victor Daemon of the Daemon Saloon. You know, we’ve done this dance before.

Tom (as Hilda)

Nope. Not ringing a bell.

Ari (as Quique)

Listen. I’ve met a lot of people, and I meet a lot of people down my extensive lifetime, and deathtime, and you are not a face that I would forget, so I do not think I’ve met you.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Oh my god. Quique? That’s you?! You’ve never looked better. You should dress like that more often.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Quique’s not going to reply to that.

Hallie

Rude.

Emily (as Irene)

Wow Sparky Malarky, you should be an investigative reporter. You figured that out so quickly.

Ari (as Quique)

Hey, kid!

Ari

He’s going to high-five.

Kyle

“AYYYYYYYY”

Emily

[Delighted.] Irene does a high-five.

Hallie

I look slowly down at Irene.

Tom (as Hilda)

Sometimes those are the breaks, Boss.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

Look from Hilda back to Irene.

Hallie (as Sparky)

You know, one day you’re gonna learn that maybe you don’t operate just as well with alcohol in your system, and then who’s gonna be laughing? It’s me.

Ari (as Quique)

Wow Sparky, are you always this rude to kids?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Just this one.

Emily (as Irene)

Yeah, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Just this one.

Kyle

The man in front of you who called himself Victor Daemon looks kind of confused.

Aaron (as Victor)

Well, uh… Well, they certainly aren’t acting like the Quest Friends, but that is definitely who I summoned. The spell was very specific. In either case, I require some help from all of you!

Emily (as Irene)

Do you have pierogis?

Ari (as Quique)

Or any other sort of payment that is more of an adult’s kind.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like money.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah Sparky, that’s what I meant.

Tom (as Hilda)

Why are we here?

Aaron (as Victor)

Okay. So, in order. Yes, Gustav makes a mean pierogi, yes, we do have the shins that you use for currency, and yes, I was just getting to that, so thank you for asking.

Tom (as Hilda)

That’s a rather gruesome kind of payment. Why are we being paid in shins?

Aaron (as Victor)

Listen. You’re the ones who use shins, not me. I found fingers to be far more convenient.

[Fun haunted music begins.]

In either case. Earlier, during the eternal twilight that is my day, I received word that my mailman and best friend, which he would totally say if you asked him, Hank Brightdawn, called in sick. Normally I could wait a day or two for my delivery, but unfortunately in only a few hours I am hosting a rather large celebration for the joyous holiday of Halloween!

Tom

[Laughs.]

Aaron (as Victor)

Anywho. Hank was supposed to perform a pickup from your world. It was in an amusement park or something of the sort, someplace far. I simply need you to go there, grab the package, and deliver it to the top floor of my tower.

[Music ends.]

The package shouldn’t be too hard to find. It actually has my face on it which I thought was a bit kitschy, but we try to keep it fun here. You know?

Ari (as Quique)

I have two things about this. The first thing is, what happens if we don’t do whatever this favor is? And second, if you do pay with the money, it better look like this.

Ari

He’ll take a bill or a coin of The Hereafter from his wallet and hopefully it does look like the Hereafter kind.

Kyle

Yeah, it does look like the Hereafter money. The single dollar bill is Bill Pullman from the movie Independence Day.

[Laughter.]

Ari

Sure. He will be like:

Ari (as Quique)

Just make, eh… a thousand of these, probably? It sounds like a lot of work.

[Dramatic organ music begins.]

Aaron (as Victor)

[Loud and dramatic.] One thousand…

[Music ends abruptly.]

[Suddenly back to normal.] is no problem at all.

Kyle

He whisks his hand and you can see next to him just a pile of a thousand dollar bills appear.

Aaron (as Victor)

As for what would happen if you didn’t comply, well… the guests of the party would be very disappointed. Oh, and you would be cursed to travel Tremaine Bluffs for all eternity, because once you’re here you can’t leave until you’ve resolved whatever important task has been set for you.

Tom (as Hilda)

So we’ve been kidnapped?

Aaron (as Victor)

What? You are my friends.

Tom (as Hilda)

We’ve never met you.

Aaron (as Victor)

You… You weren’t the jokester in previous years, but you’re becoming one now. I must admit, I am quite enjoying it.

Ari (as Quique)

So, let’s say we do… I mean, I still haven’t agreed to that, and there’s a minimum chance I will, but if I choose to do this thing, would be return at the same time we left through whatever portal you made or will it be like the next day? I went through all this—

Ari

And he’ll signal through the entirety of his costume.

Ari (as Quique)

—to give candy to kids in time for Hallieween, and now I haven’t given candy to a single kid.

Kyle

He’ll think for a little bit.

[00:20:00]

Aaron (as Victor)

Hmm. Well, let me take a look.

Kyle

And he takes out this pocket watch and looks at it.

Aaron (as Victor)

Ah yes, it appears that your world’s clock is not ticking right now, so yeah, it should be fine.

Ari (as Quique)

Hmm. Okay.

Aaron (as Victor)

So, it sounds like you’re interested in the job, and for that I am delighted.

Ari (as Quique)

I’m interested in going back and in the money, not in the job at all. Don’t be mistaken by that.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m just confused, really.

Aaron (as Victor)

Perfect! Before you go, I would like you to borrow this.

Kyle

He takes the pocket watch he was looking at.

Aaron (as Victor)

This is the celestial clock. It is a pocket watch that tracks all of time throughout the multiverse. It also conveniently doubles as a compass that will point you in the direction of whatever you seek. It’s no Lightbringer Gauntlets, but I do think you’ll find it useful.

Kyle

And he hands you the celestial clock. Who wants to take this pocket watch?

Hallie

Me. Nobody else spoke up, it’s Sparky’s now.

Aaron (as Victor)

Alright. That’s it. Any questions before we get started?

Tom (as Hilda)

Yes. How are we supposed to fight and slay monsters? I am not a real wizard. This is a costume.

Kyle

He looks at all of you and his face grows paler.

Aaron (as Victor)

Oh dear, that would explain the changes. You should have started by saying you lost your powers.

Tom (as Hilda)

What?

Aaron (as Victor)

Alright! Let’s make some Halloween magic!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Hallieween.

Aaron (as Victor)

Jack-o-lantern, spooky scary flibble-dee-doo, and here we go!

[Clockwork Halloween music begins.]

Kyle

The door behind you opens and a gust of wind pulls you in. You can see the Daemon Saloon extending from far beyond you. You know the wide bubble effect, the wide lens effect? It’s like that as everything stretches further and further, and everything feels different.

Hilda, you’ve experienced the magic of Necromon, and as a kid interested in witches’ books I’m sure you’ve had moments of “ah-ha, I’m gonna cast a spell in my imagination.” But, the magic here feels different, it feels real and tangible, and you see as this clear scepter appears in your hand.

Tom (as Hilda)

This is not book-accurate. This character is supposed to have a sword.

Kyle

As a glass sword appears in your hand, perfect for casting spells and also hitting people to death.

[Laughter.]

Irene, you feel heavier, and not in the ways that you feel heavy when you get a bit tired. It’s almost as if your body itself is getting denser. Like, if you stepped, you would just sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Quique, you feel kind of a combination of the two of these. You feel some sense of magic, but more importantly you see your beautiful very-taken-care-of bones turn this metallic silver color. I know that wasn’t how Misha looked, but I figure that’s more like—

Tom

I mean, you can describe false skin growing over that metal now.

Kyle

That’s a good point. You see skin grow.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

But it seems artificial. It seems fake. It isn’t how you remember skin feeling, but then again, it’s been a long time since you’ve had some.

Finally, Sparky. You feel no change to your body or no additional connection to magic, but your experience might be the most surreal of all.

[Music ends.]

You, on a fundamental level, not only understand math… you appreciate it.

Hallie

“Ew, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that,” Sparky thinks to herself.

Kyle

As you come out of this, the white lights turn into every color. You see every color brightly shining down on you.

Tom

Hilda doesn’t react at first to any of this weird stuff and instead just pulls out her notepad and writes down “vampire money, shins?” Question mark, question mark.

[laughter.]

“Human?” Question mark, question mark, question mark.

Ari

Quique’s just like, oh, you know, just a regular Tuesday for Quique Canaca in here.

Kyle

Quique, roll me Speed Defense.

Ari

What? Why?

Tom

Oh god.

Ari

[Rolls.] That’s a 12.

Tom

Ooh.

Kyle

Quique, you see out of the corner of your eye that the scarf Tucán was wearing starts to rise at the end and it brandishes a knife, and the knife swings at you.

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

Agh!

Kyle

And you duck by as the knife at the end of this purple scarf starts hammering the ground with a (woodpecker sounds).

Ari (as Quique)

Is that… Tucán, is that you?

[00:25:00]

Ari

As he’s going to carefully try to take the knife out of the scarf.

Tom

Oh no…

Kyle

The scarf flails back and you hear a (squawking), muffled from the end of it.

Tom

This is horrifying.

Ari (as Quique)

Is this part of you now? Is this knife, uh… is this your beak?

Kyle

The knife points to you like a beak looking at you…

Ari (as Quique)

Okay.

Kyle

…then points to the ground. (Woodpecker sounds)

Ari (as Quique)

Okay. Uh… this is definitely weirder than whatever happens to me. I guess you can stay here, but don’t point that thing at me or at any humans, including Sparky. You could point it at her hat if you so wish, but not—

Kyle

Scarf Tucán points its head down, then hearing you can point at Sparky’s hat just starts tracing the little feather with the knife.

Hallie & Ari

Aww.

Kyle

Alright, Sparky and Irene.

Emily

Where are my Necromon? I’m asking that out of character.

Kyle

Um…

Ari

Are they the candles?

Kyle

Yes.

Emily

Aww!

Hallie

Aww! That’s so cute!

Kyle

There are three little candles on your hat that just do little puffs. We’ll say in Morse Code they say their names backwards. You just see a light of “puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.”

Tom (as Mossies)

[Faintly.] See-sawm…

Kyle

Mostly because the idea of them screaming their names in the thing is more nightmarish to me than—

Tom

I am not certain. This might be scarier to me, them just having to scream in Morse Code, but I feel like we’re past that point. It will be horrifying—

Kyle

Or maybe smoke? Do we want the smoke to say their names?

Emily

I don’t think you’re gonna be able to make it good.

Tom

There’s no changing the horror at this point.

Kyle

We’ll just say, Irene, you see three new candles on your hat, all of them lit.

Tom

[Weary.] Oh…

Ari

All of them lit, screaming in eternal horror.

Hallie

No, they’re like Calcifer. They’re like Calcifer.

Ari

Okay.

Tom

I hope so.

Kyle

Yeah, sure. They’ve got little faces on them.

Hallie

Little faces! Little fire faces. It’s cute.

Emily

Yeah, they’re not the candles, they’re the flames.

Kyle

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re little flames on the candles. There we go. I like that. Still scary.

Emily

Yeah, but then at least they are the fire and they’re not on fire.

Kyle

Anyways, that’s where they are.

Emily

Okay.

Hallie

In that case, from a little bit below everybody’s height, you hear:

Hallie (as ???)

[In a posh voice.] What’s all this then? What are we standing around here for?

[Halloween organ waltz music begins.]

Hallie

There is a walking book who looks like the pirate book from The Pagemaster but without a mustache and cuter. He’s got a little eyepatch and there’s a little bandana and it’s just a little walking book.

Kyle

Don’t forget the backpack.

Hallie

A little book backpack.

Ari

A book bag.

Hallie

[Laughs.] With a book bag. And really big robotic luminous round eyes.

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker…?

Hallie (as Booker)

That’s right, pal. Let’s have an adventure!

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Hallie

I’m trying so hard to do a newsie voice, and I don't know if I’m capable of it. I might just default to Ness’s voice.

Kyle

I mean, I think that would be a lot clearer for the audience too.

Hallie

[In Ness’s voice.] Oh boy, I’m a Booker now… Okay.

Hallie (as Booker)

Then you know what, fuck my newsie voice. Man, that was really hard.

[Music ends.]

Anyway. What are we standing around here for? Come on!

Kyle

[Delighted.] Booker’s canonically said fuck.

Hallie (as Booker)

Fuck!

[Laughter.]

Emily

Booker would.

Kyle

Yeah, Booker would say fuck.

Hallie

Yeah, he’s allowed.

Tom (as Hilda)

This is starting to get distressing.

Emily (as Irene)

It’s alright, Hilda. I have figured out what’s happening.

Tom (as Hilda)

Yeah? What’s going on?

Emily (as Irene)

I am dreaming and you are all figments of my imagination.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well…

Hallie (as Booker)

The imagination can be a very powerful thing.

Tom (as Hilda)

That’s reassuring for you but not so reassuring for me.

Kyle

[Laughs.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Maybe it’s one of those group dreams, you know?

Ari (as Quique)

I wish that were true, kid, but I don’t think this is a dream of yours.

Tom (as Hilda)

Um… so we’re going to a haunted amusement park to find a package, right?

Hallie (as Sparky)

And it appears to be that way.

Hallie

Sparky’s fiddling with the celestial clock compass pocket watch thing.

Kyle

As you say “it seems to be that way,” you look up and take in your surroundings, and you see lights… so many lights, many of them neon and artificial, shooting up into the sky.

[Messing with the Best by Miracle of Sound begins.”

You would imagine that you’re underneath the sky, but you don’t see stars above you, but instead you see this bright pulsating light from what looks to be giant luminescent fungi. But, not only is light coming from the buildings and the fungi on the ceiling, it’s also coming from the floor itself which is separated into four different quadrants alternating in a white and red color scheme.

All of these meet at a giant colossal platinum queen’s chess piece, and next to it, which is where your compass is pointing, is a sign that says “welcome to swagtacular Roulettia.”

[Music swells and carries into the announcements.]

[00:30:00]

Kyle

For a podcast listener, there are few things more terrifying than the announcement break, so thanks so much for taking the time to listen to it.

I’d like to start this announcement break by thanking Aaron Catano-Saez for voicing Victor Daemon for the fourth year in a row. Aaron does a lot of really cool voice acting and tabletop roleplaying stuff, so the wonderful voice that he does for Victor is only the tip of the iceberg of what this fantastic man can do.

Speaking of many years ago, it has been many years since I have played in the setting of Roulettia where this adventure takes place. I actually only decided to use Roulettia like the day of the session. So, how did I remember all of the details? … I didn’t. Instead, I used Welcome to Swagtacular Roulettia, a location module that includes about 20 pages of characters, settings, adventure ideas and other stuff based on this glitzy and glamorous hellscape.

It was not only really helpful in giving me specific stats and reminding me of some details about Roulettia I had forgotten, but it just helped me ground myself back in that world and also provided me a bunch of ideas that I never actually used in the podcast but I had when generating the setting.

The module used to be stuck in a forgotten corner of DriveThruRPG, but I’ve actually just rereleased it on Itch.io and DriveThruRPG. So, if the setting of today’s adventure seems interesting to you and you want to use it in your Cypher System or other tabletop roleplaying game, you can find Welcome to Swagtacular Roulettia linked below.

Speaking of, if you’re a fan of Flashback Future and you would be interested in a specific aspect of the world, be it an adventure line or a setting like Roulettia, and would love to see it in a module content like this, let us know. As long as I don’t directly reference Numenera, I’m able to publish it.

Okay. I got a promo for you today for the podcast Graphic Novel Explorers Club, so let’s get into that.

[Promo begins.]

Aubrey

I’m Aubrey.

Dennis

I’m Dennis.

Johnny

And I’m Johnny.

Aubrey

Every other Tuesday we take an in-depth and humorous look at different comic books.

Dennis

We’re talking indie comics.

Johnny

Capes and cowls.

Aubrey

And everything in between.

Dennis

Graphic Novel Explorers Club is available on all platforms.

Johnny

Be sure to subscribe and leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts.

Aubrey

And be sure to tell your friends, you nerd. [Giggles.]

[Promo ends.]

Kyle

If that sounded interesting to you, you can find Graphic Novel Explorers Club at GNExplorersClub.com or by searching on whatever podcatcher you’re listening to this episode on.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today. We are returning to our main episodes with Die Card, Part 2, on Monday, November 14. But, if you’ve enjoyed listening to this tenuously canon special, I want to quickly let you know that we’ve got a bunch of fun crossovers for free right now on our Patreon. The one I want to shout-out right now is called Welcome to Tsarvia which is an adventure run by Hallie that takes place in Rasputin’s homeland. So, whether it’s in our next episode in a few weeks or in one of our bonus episodes in a few hours, I will see you then.

[Upbeat 50s rock music carries out of the announcements.]

Ari

Oh my god. Why are we back here?

Hallie

I can’t be back here. No!

Tom

You motherfucker.

Hallie

Please!

Kyle

I tried to think of a place to go back to, and this felt like the best one.

Hallie

[Sobs dramatically.]

Ari

Why? Of all the places. Will Hallie have to pick a Flex Skill?

Kyle

Oh my god! Hallie, pick a Flex Skill!

Hallie

It’s been so long since I’ve chosen a Flex Skill. Oh no, I wasn’t prepared. Hang on… Hang on.

[Laughter.]

[Stammers.] I’ve got… I’ve got Flex Skills listed on my—Oh, these are useless. No.

Tom

Oh no!

Hallie

I’d like a skill in… parasailing.

Kyle

Okay, perfect, you have a skill in parasailing.

Hallie

I have a skill in parasailing.

[Electro Swing music begins.]

Kyle

Let me explain where you are. You are in Roulettia.

[00:35:00]

You are in front of the big chess piece in the center of town. As a reminder to you as players and to folks who haven’t watched Quest Friends! Season 1—watched, listened, or read I guess, Quest Friends! Flashback Future, Roulettia is kind of this underground bustling market. It is a combination of Disney World and Las Vegas and murder, because death doesn’t matter here, because if you die you can just regenerate at an EZ-Life pod using some brands on the back of your hand.

Admittedly, Hilda is the only one who seems to have those on her hand. If I remember correctly.

Tom

What?

Ari

Oh yeah!

Kyle

Xoc was the one who got it, right?

Emily

Yeah!

Tom

What?!

Ari

Yup. It comes back yet again.

Tom

No! You can’t do this. You can’t keep getting away with this!

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Roulettia is split into four districts. There is the Land of Tomorrow which has this aneen racetrack, essentially horse racing, and other fortune teller things. There is Gamblestrip Navarene which is a lot like the main space of Disney World with all the pop-up shops.

Hallie

Main Street USA.

Kyle

Main Street USA.

Hallie

That’s what it’s called.

Kyle

There’s Piper’s Pit which is the kid-friendly area and where Vespari performed. And then there’s Whaleter’s Prosthetic Intestine which is the deadliest rollercoaster in The Ninth World.

It is hectic. It is chaotic. You’ve already seen a guy die and come back to life and die again and then come back to life. He seems awfully tired by it. And yeah, that is where you are with a compass pointing you to some package somewhere in this weird strange neon town.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Uneasy.] Okay…

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

Well, I mean, I think we should just stay away from all of these weird places and follow the compass to wherever this thing is. We grab it, we go, we take it back, and we can just keep living our lives.

Tom

Hilda is going to go up and not actually but very lightly try to pinch Irene. She’s worried about hurting her, so it’s like an ineffectual pinch.

Emily (as Irene)

Why did you do that?

Tom (as Hilda)

I don’t like this, Irene. Please wake up.

Several

Aww.

Emily (as Irene)

I think you need to pinch me harder.

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh… okay.

Tom

Slightly harder but still not very effectual.

Emily (as Irene)

Hilda, if you want me to wake up, you are going to have to actually pinch me. I know you are very—

Tom (as Hilda)

Ah, fine!

Emily (as Irene)

Ow!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Emily (as Irene)

I’m not awake.

Tom (as Hilda)

Well, I guess that was worth a shot. I’m sorry for pinching you.

Hallie (as Booker)

Wow, this place is lit!

Hallie

Booker is taking in all of the sounds and sights and keeps running in different directions to go to the different areas because he just isn’t sure where he wants to go.

Kyle

Yeah. You’re running in between the legs of so many people. You have seen a bunch of the dead, a bunch of the living, a bunch of Necromon, and these people look nothing like them. They have almost alien-like features.

Hallie (as Booker)

Oh wow! The costumes are so good here! Hilda, we gotta u our game next year.

Tom (as Hilda)

I don’t actually think those are costumes, Booker. I think we’ve actually been teleported to some weird world.

Hallie (as Booker)

Ah, that’s even cooler. I guess that explains why I can talk and stuff. So yeah, that tracks.

Tom (as Hilda)

Yeah, that might explain it.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah… I was gonna ask. Your book usually doesn’t do this usually, does it?

Ari

I wanna say that Quique, without noticing, accidentally does it just to Hilda, because I assume that if we have the same—

Kyle

Ha!

Tom

Nooo! Agh!

Kyle

You do. You do have the Mental Link.

[Laughter.]

Hilda, you hear Quique’s voice in your head.

Tom

Hilda’s gonna recoil in shock.

[Music begins 38:48.]

Tom (as Hilda)

Mr. Quique, are we dead? Is that why I’m psychic now? Is that why we’re in a strange place? Is this what The Hereafter is like?

Ari

Quique, at also noticing that Hilda didn’t actually open her mouth to say those things, is also going to equally freak out.

Ari (as Quique)

What? Wait, what?

Ari

He’s gonna try and do the same with Irene to see if it’s just a real psychic, like…

Ari (as Quique)

Detective, can you also hear this? Is this a thing we can just do?

Kyle

Hilda, you hear Quique say that?

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh, I can hear it…

Ari (as Quique)

Agh!

Tom (as Hilda)

…but I don't know if Irene can hear it.

Ari (as Quique)

Let me tell you, this is not what being dead is like. I think I would hate it even more, which is to say it’s a kind of—

Tom (as Hilda)

You hate being dead?

Ari (as Quique)

Well, you know.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Sparky, Irene and Booker, you see as Hilda and Quique just stare at each other, and then Hilda jumps, and then Quique jumps, and then they keep staring at each other.

Hallie

I was gonna say, we just see them looking at each other. Right? So, as this continues, Sparky looks from one to the other.

Hallie (as Sparky)

What is going on here?

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m psychic.

[00:40:00]

[Music ends.]

Ari (as Quique)

[Strained.] I guess I am too?

Tom (as Hilda)

But only with Mr. Quique.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, apparently only Hilda can sometimes hear me without speaking, which is a thing that’s strange.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Really?!

Ari (as Quique)

But that’s not a thing that you should worry about, Sparky.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Are you sure? Because it sounds like a very abnormal thing, at least for you. God, you just get more interesting by the day!

Tom (as Hilda)

Anyway. I guess we should try to find this package before we’re… killed horribly?

Kyle (as ???)

[Distressed shout.]

Kyle

Another splat.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Yeah, that would probably be…

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, let’s not approach that.

Hallie (as Booker)

[Chuckles.]

Tom (as Hilda)

I know I wanted adventure, but this might be a little much. This is not the PG fantasy world I was promised.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Okay. Let’s see. Where is the compass pointing?

Kyle

I will leave that question to you. Where does it point?

Ari

Not to the roller—

Tom

Manny’s Artificial Intestine.

Kyle

It point’s to Whaleter’s Prosthetic Intestine.

Hallie

It points to the intestine. So, I start ushering the children – Quique can follow, he’s an adult – towards the whale intestine, because we apparently have to go there.

Kyle

Alright. You make yourself towards Whaleter’s Prosthetic Intestine. It is a weird rollercoaster. There’s a ramp, there’s grass, a part is on fire. You’re seeing half the carts are just exploding as they’re flying through the air. As you do, I want everyone to roll me Perception, because we can do that again.

Hallie

Oh-ho-ho.

Emily

And that’s my descriptor again.

Hallie

We’re using the d20s, right? Like Numenera.

Kyle

D20s. We’re in Numenera town.

Hallie

That’s right!

Tom

It’s been so long.

Hallie

Hop… I’m trained!

Tom

This would be Int Effort, correct?

Kyle

Yes.

Tom

I can spend… How many is that again? Ooh… Ooh, that’s 2 levels of Effort for free.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

[Rolls.] I rolled an 8 with 2 levels.

Emily

[Rolls.] I rolled a 9, but I’m trained.

Ari

[Rolls.] That’s a 7.

Hallie

[Rolls.] I got 6.

Kyle

Okay…

Ari

[Smiling.] Heh, you got 6.

Hallie

[In the same cadence.] I got 6.

Kyle

So, you didn’t roll high enough to see the figure itself.

Hallie

Not a one of us.

Tom

Any of us?

Kyle

To see what the figure was. But—

Hallie

Wait, wait, wait! Can Booker roll?

Tom

Ness has a character sheet.

Hallie

Ness has a character sheet. I pulled it up.

Kyle

Yeah, Booker has a character sheet, you’re right.

Hallie

Yeah! Yeah. Hang on, let me find a different d20.

Tom

Regionals! Regionals! Regionals!

Hallie

Regionals! Regionals! Regionals!

[Rolls.] Eight!

Tom

Did you spend any Effort?!

Hallie

No!

Tom

Why didn’t you spend Effort?!

Hallie

Because I wanted to roll a die!

Tom

When have you ever rolled high?

Hallie

[Smiling.] Shut up, Tom! … Shut up, Xoc.

Kyle

Alright. None of you see exactly who the figure is, but Hilda, as you’re walking you notice a figure in a trilby detective hat and a trench coat.

[Horror sting begins.]

Tom

Oh my god.

Kyle

Just standing, looking at all of you.

[Sting ends.]

And the figure turns the corner and walks away.

Ari

Was that just Matt or whatever the name was? With cigarettes.

Hallie

Mac!

Kyle

Mac? It is Mac’s costume.

Ari

Okay.

Hallie

Oh man.

Tom

Hilda takes no notice of this because this is just as suspicious as anything else in this city.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Okay. Yeah. You make your way forward. You’re walking through the Intestine, and at one point you see there is a line for people ready to get on what is called The Ninth World’s Deadliest Rollercoaster.

Hallie (as Booker)

That sounds like fun.

Emily (as Irene)

I could ride that if I wanted.

Ari (as Quique)

Eh…

Emily (as Irene)

But I am very focused.

Tom (as Hilda)

I don’t want to ride that, ever.

Ari (as Quique)

I don’t think we should do that. There’s no stipulation that all of us should ride this, right? We could have one of us, like Sparky or somebody, just putting it out there, ride this highly deadly rollercoaster.

Hallie

Sparky is actually looking at it, considering it, like really studying what this rollercoaster is all about.

Emily (as Irene)

You know if she dies she’ll pursue you in both worlds, right?

Ari (as Quique)

Eh, I mean, I’ve considered it…

Kyle

[Grinning.] Quique, take a GM Intrusion.

Ari

Okay?

Kyle

Who do you want to give your other point to? Your other XP.

Ari

I’ll give it to Irene because of this statement she gave.

Kyle

Among the crowd, you notice that there is a really short girl, really cute actually. You only see her from behind, but she’s got this very vibrantly glittery blue hair that’s in like a bow.

Hallie

Oh no.

Kyle

She seems to be tugging alongside her some skeleton on a stand. You know like the old fortuneteller things in a box?

Ari

Mm-hmm.

Kyle

It’s like that, but the head is chopped off at the top. You don’t take much attention to it.

[00:45:00]

Sure, the girl is really small, she looks way too young to be on here, but nothing much matters.

Ari

He feels a bit… I don’t think “offended,” but at least feels like there’s a lot of disrespect going on with having a skeleton.

Kyle

Well, that’s the thing. The skeleton, you hear it jangle inside of the head as if it’s shaking and moving around a lot and there’s something inside of it, like a magic 8-ball, but the GM Intrusion comes from when you hear it speak.

[Silly ghostly music begins.]

Kyle (as skeleton)

Are you really sure about going on this ride, Yunuen? It seems awfully dangerous for me, your Tio Lionel.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari (as Quique)

This is definitely a nightmare. I’m just going to ignore… I’m just going to not—

Kyle (as Lionel)

This seems fun, but it seems awfully dangerous. Good old Tio Lionel, he has a lion’s heart but… this is how I died, actually. A heart attack. So you know, heh.

Kyle

He kinda looks around awkwardly, and this skeleton on a fox’s eyes lock with yours.

Ari

Oh no. Quique’s gonna try to not make eye contact at all. He’s going to try to slyly turn to the other side.

Kyle

He sees that you’re in the flesh…

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

…and he just turns back around to this little girl who is, again, with this hair that’s in a bow wearing this big green jacket. She turs around and starts bouncing in excitement looking at Lionel in the skeleton thing, and sure enough, it is Yunuen.

Ari

The thing is, this is like an AU Yunuen, so he’s still gonna try to ignore it because this is not his niece Yunuen.

[Music ends.]

Unless he knows that something that actually happens to this girl will happen to real Yunuen, he’s not necessarily…

Tom

This is starting to feel a lot more like a dream. Yeah.

Emily

Since we were talking about it, Irene is spiraling into an existential crisis.

Ari

Oh no! Why?

Hallie

No! Why?

Emily

Because Hilda pinched her and she didn’t wake up.

Tom

Aww.

Ari

Oh no! Oh, Quique would notice and react to that. He would casually stand next to Irene and kinda just be like…

Ari (as Quique)

Hey kid, I know this isn’t a dream, but I am going to make sure we all get out of here fine, and you’ll be back in your—

Emily (as Irene)

Okay, yes, but how did we get here and why are we here and is it a dream or is it not? One of my deep-seated fears involves reality and what is or is not real, and so I’m thinking that maybe my deep-seated fears have come to the surface and are taking over my life as I work to not have them do.

Ari (as Quique)

I’ve had those fears before, multiple times, and I—

Emily (as Irene)

Why are you not spiraling?

Ari (as Quique)

Well… Listen, here’s a secret. I have learned to spiral on the inside.

[Laughter.]

It’s not a thing that you should necessarily take up on.

Emily (as Irene)

Are you saying that I was not successfully spiraling on the inside? I thought I hid it very well.

Ari (as Quique)

You did.

Tom (as Hilda)

My moms say that masking is not all that important. It’s important to be yourself instead.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, that is also a really fair point from Hilda.

Emily (as Irene)

That is great advice for everyone else except for me.

Ari (as Quique)

Listen. We can all take it on that weird guy that was on the inn. I think he somehow got us roped into this weird scenario which sadly seems more real than I could like.

Emily (as Irene)

Tucán has a knife. Can we stab him?

Ari (as Quique)

Uh… I am gonna say that Tucán would nod at that, with the knife.

Kyle

Oh yeah, Tucán would stab a man. No hesitation.

Hallie

Kyle, I have a question.

Kyle

Yeah. Hit me.

Hallie

Booker is smaller than most people around him, right?

Kyle

Mm-hmm.

Hallie

It only occurred to me now that Booker would want to ride that thing as well as Sparky. So, um, can I just have Booker have run underneath everybody’s—He’s on the coaster, he’s there.

Ari (as Quique)

Whoa. Hey kid, I think your book just kind of slipped—

Ari

I don't know if we all notice or not. I assume we do.

Tom

Should I roll Perception?

Kyle

I’m gonna say everybody sees Booker, but you see him right as he slips under a pair of legs.

[Chase music begins.]

Tom

Hilda is tearing off after him.

Tom (as Hilda)

Booker!

Kyle

Hilda and Booker, give me competing Speed rolls.

Hallie

Yes, yes, yes! Okay, what is Ness’s… what are his little—his little stats?

Tom

[Indignant.] Making me roll Speed instead of Int.

Kyle

Well, you do have Far Step.

[00:50:00]

Hallie

Ha!

Tom

That would require Hilda to know how magic works.

Kyle

Okay. Alright. That’s fair.

Tom

I’m committing to the bit. I’ll Far Step if I damn well please. [Rolls.]

Hallie

[Hums a dance step tune. Rolls.] Heyo!

Tom

What did you roll?

Hallie

Nineteen!

Ari

Ooh.

Tom

Mother fuck! Damn it. I got a 10.

Hallie

‘I never roll high.’ I mean, you’re right, but I’m gonna mock you anyway.

Kyle

Alright. Hilda, you try chasing Booker, but you’re not as small as him. You’ve gotta maneuver around people.

Tom

Oh, I was just gonna crash into people.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Okay. It’s still slower than going under them. Sparky, Irene and Quique, you see Booker haul ass and then you see Hilda haul ass slightly less quickly. Booker, you get a minor effect for this. What’s your minor effect?

Hallie

Something minorly good for me… I want this to ensure that I get a front row seat on the rollercoaster.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Okay. Yeah. You get a front row suite—You get a front row seat.

Hallie

Like a full suite on a rollercoaster. That’s something I really want now. Like with a bar and a table and you can get it catered.

Kyle

The luxury coaster.

Tom

You’re just at the first car, Booker! It’s not even that luxurious!

Kyle (as Walnut)

Wait! Wait. Wait a second. Is that a Necromon?

[Surfer rock music begins.]

Kyle

Booker, you turn back and you see two figures behind you in line, because you’re right in the front of the line.

Hallie

Yeah, where I belong.

Kyle

One of them on the right is a rounder fresh-faced individual wearing all-purpose leather coveralls. Notably though, he has a very square round head and green skin. Next to him you see a figure that’s also wearing the Speedy Speed Boy outfit, but dae have daer head shaved so it’s shaved down one side. You can see it’s actually a costume, so it’s just like a bald cap that’s been fitted to be on one side of someone’s head. This one looks down to you.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Yeah, that’s gotta be a Necromon.

Kyle (as Freddie)

I don't think this place has Necromon, Wal.

Kyle (as Walnut)

I don't know what you’re talking about, Baby Freddie, but there are definitely Necromons here.

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh, uh…

Hallie (as Booker)

Uh, they’re over there!

Hallie

I point in a different direction that’s not me.

Kyle

Roll me Convince—not Convince Somebody, roll me Persuasion.

Hallie

I’m putting in 1 level of Int Effort.

Kyle

Okay.

Hallie

[Rolls.] I got 6.

Ari

Oh my god!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Wal just drops daer head and says:

Kyle (as Walnut)

You know what? Maybe you’re right, Baby Freddie. Maybe there aren’t Necromon here.

Tom

Have I arrived yet? Am I still—?

Kyle

Yes, you can now arrive.

Tom (as Hilda)

Oh, hey Walnut, hey Freddie.

Kyle (as Walnut)

Oh, Hilda! You’re here too. Hey, can you help us figure this out? Does this place have Necromon?

Kyle (as Freddie)

I keep saying that it doesn’t, though maybe this Whaleter they keep talking about, Whaleter Whale, is a Necromon.

Tom (as Hilda)

I don't know what’s happening, and I’m kind of freaking out a little bit, but I just wanted to make sure that Booker does not get on this rollercoaster. Get back here!

Kyle

Booker just has one leg over the [unintelligible].

Hallie

[Laughs.] Yeah. He’s like, “what?”

Tom (as Hilda)

Get back here!

Tom

She’s just bursting past again.

Hallie (as Booker)

I waited in line just like everybody else!

Tom (as Hilda)

No! Come back.

Tom

I’m gonna attempt to just snatch him up and away.

Kyle

Yeah. Give me a competing Might roll.

Hallie

Yeah. I was gonna say, it’s okay to do a competing Might roll, right? Because Booker wants to ride.

[Rolls.]

Tom

Tell you what. Tell you what. I’m gonna do some Grade A bullshit here. What if I told you I want to use my specialized skill in Sleight of Hand? You know how you gotta distract a cat and then yoink them?

Hallie

Yeah.

Tom

That’s my plan here. I wanna make sure that Booker does not see it coming before I’m just like “meh, you’re in my arms now.”

Kyle

Perfect. Yeah, I’ll take it.

Tom

Yes!

[Rolls.] That was a 13, +6 from specialized.

Hallie

God damn it.

Tom

What did you get?

Hallie

I rolled a 7.

Tom

Oh-ho!

Hallie

It’s not even a 6… it’s not even a meme number.

Kyle

Booker, you don’t even notice but you’re off, and then you hear as the rollercoaster with the suite (whoosh) goes off.

Hallie (as Booker)

What? Hey! Hey~!

Tom (as Hilda)

I’m sorry, but it’s not safe.

Hallie (as Booker)

Heyyy~!

Tom (as Hilda)

Maybe you can ride a real rollercoaster in the real world.

Hallie (as Booker)

What? That’s a… what? That’s a real coaster. Look at it go!

Tom (as Hilda)

I don't know if any of this is real.

Hallie (as Booker)

The realest coaster I’ve ever seen.

Kyle

Have you seen rollercoasters, Booker?

Hallie

Have they gone to a theme park?

Tom

Not yet!

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Booker)

Okay, but I want to go to a theme park and you have to make that up to me now.

Tom (as Hilda)

Okay, I’ll go to a theme park for you.

Hallie (as Booker)

I’m gonna remember, and I’m gonna remind you every single day.

Tom (as Hilda)

Okay.

Hallie (as Booker)

Every day.

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Kyle

Meanwhile, we’re gonna cut back to Sparky, Quique and Irene.

[00:55:00]

Quique, you can almost feel the heat on you as Lionel’s head is just doing… You know the Exorcist thing?

Ari

Oh god.

Kyle

Where the head just keeps going around. Or like a spotlight in a security guard station. You can almost feel heat as his eyes go over you, but then he just keeps circling around.

Kyle (as Lionel)

And around! And around! And around! And around! And, I think it was the 45th time around that my heart finally let out.

Ari

Quique will avoid eye contact with this Lionel-looking and –sounding skeleton man, possibly even moving behind Irene slightly.

Kyle

You hide behind Irene. It’s about as effective as Misha hiding behind Elee, which is to say not at all.

Ari

I know, but at least there’s a child in between, so there may be a little bit less of an interaction.

Hallie

“I have a child!”

Emily

Irene turns around.

Emily (as Irene)

Wow, detective, I guess even professionals can be afraid of things. Thankfully, I am not, but I understand and acknowledge your fear.

Hallie (as Sparky)

[Stammers.] What… What’s the detective business about?

Emily (as Irene)

If you are in the know, you know.

Hallie (as Sparky)

I’m clearly not.

Ari (as Quique)

And you clearly do not know.

Hallie (as Sparky)

That’s what I just admitted.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, I was gonna say it before you did and then you sort of did it, and the magic is broken as always, Sparky.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

The magic is… What? What?!

Emily (as Irene)

Some things are best kept between a mystery solving duo.

Ari

Quique will fist-bump Irene at that phrase.

Emily

[Laughing.] Irene had gone in for a high-five again and it’s really awkward.

Ari

Oh no!

Tom

Aww. Oh no.

Kyle

Yes! Yes!

Tom

Oh no…

Ari

Quique will slowly open it, but it might be a little bit too late.

Kyle

I choose to believe it’s after—

Emily

As she had awkwardly curled her hand.

Ari

Oh no!

Kyle

Yeah, I choose to believe it’s after they collide, Quique just slowly extends his hand out.

Ari (as Quique)

Yeah, that’s a secret detective salute that you are also not in the know of, Sparky. How does it feel not knowing things?

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as ???)

Ah, well you can hardly blame her for not knowing things when she is not Roulettia’s premier investigatór.

[Noir detective music begins..]

Kyle

You look to your right and you can see the figure that Hilda saw in the trench coat and the trilby, but this figure is not who fans of Season 1 would recognize as Mac, because underneath the figure all I can describe is a face that looks like a tan Pierce Brosnan. You notice now that he has a small rock on his shoulder, and he just sips a cig—

[Music pauses abruptly.]

He just sips a cigarette?

Hallie

[Amused.] He sips a cigarette.

Tom

Yeah-yeah, you gotta sip that cigarette.

[Sipping sounds and giggling.]

Kyle

He continues to sip a cigarette. Mr. Elmo has never used a cigarette before.

Hallie

Mmm, smoke.

Tom

This show does not endorse smoking. Repeat, does not endorse smoking. It isn’t cool. It isn’t fun.

Kyle

[Smiling.] What about drinking smoke?

Tom

“You kids are drinking drugs tonight?”

[Music returns.]

Kyle

Anyways. As he continues to drink his cigarette, Mr. Elmo looks and says:

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

That being said, what brings such amateur investigatórs to Whaleter’s Prosthetic Intestine?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Look, I’m not an amateur. …

[Music ends.]

Hallie

Then she just stops. She looks a little bit uncertain after that statement.

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

How many crimes have you solved in Roulettia?

Hallie (as Sparky)

Okay, well in Roulettia—

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

In fact, I have just solved the crime of the EZ-Life Killer…

Hallie (as Sparky)

The who?

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

…the one who would take the brands off someone’s hand before killing them.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Why…?

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

It helped that it was me, so I just solved the case of me doing it.

[Laughter.]

Tom

What the fuck?!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Sir, did you just confess to murder?

Kyle

This world’s Mr. Elmo is a murderer. Maybe our world’s too, who knows.

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

That being said, the boss did say that she was very interested in why you were here.

Tom

Oh no… No. No! Oh!

Hallie (as Sparky)

Who…? Whomst?

Hallie

[Growing more angry.] Yeah, as soon as we were here I was like oh, we’re gonna meet her, that’s fucking fine. That’s just fucking fine.

Ari (as Quique)

Is the boss this really pale fangy-looking person?

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

Pale? You want to call this person preposterously pale? No, she has a sense of class and action.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Like a class action lawsuit?

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

And prefers pink.

Ari

[Chuckles.]

Hallie (as Sparky)

Intriguing. Intriguing. Does she have some kind of a package with the face that Mr. Quique over here just described on it?

Kyle (as Mr. Elmo)

A package with a facsimile of a face on it, you say? How perplexing. That package sounds exactly like what the boss was interested in. She said it could take us to a place far more lively than Roulettia.

[01:00:00]

Ari (as Quique)

Did she know where that package is?

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Now why on earth would I have that information when you’re going to find it for me?

Kyle

Sparky, take a GM Intrusion. Why not?

Hallie

Her eye is twitching.

Kyle

Who do you give the other point to?

Hallie

I’m gonna give the other point to… Y, what? I’m sporting. I’m gonna give it to Irene because I am being torn apart by other PCs in this party and she manages to make a fool of me every single time.

Kyle

You turn around, and you don’t see the bearer of the voice at first. What you see is you see a series of stuffed mascots. One of them looks like a whale with an antenna out of its head. There is this bipedal camel. There are all these really rough, shoddy costumes. But interestingly, all of them are wearing Hawaiian shirts and have these mustaches on them.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Surrounded by all of these Mannymate Rons, you see a woman.

[Confident sultry music (Lorraine’s theme) begins.]

She has a wide elegant white hat, is wearing roller skates, and has a beautiful glittering pink dress.

Hallie

[Grumpy.] Hmm…

Emily

Irene tugs on Sparky’s sleeve and whispers.

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

This might not even be real. If you killed her, I wouldn’t tell anyone.

Ari

Can I say that—I mean, I know that you control Tucán technically, but Irene says that and he comes and shows up with a little knife as Irene is saying that?

Kyle

Give me one quick second. We said something very important about Tucán earlier, didn’t we?

Ari

That the knife is his beak?

Kyle

No. You were like, “oh, Tucán definitely would stab someone” and I said he definitely would.

Ari

Oh my god.

Tom

Oh no.

Kyle

[Rolls.] A natural 1.

Hallie & Ari

[Shouting.] Nooo!

Kyle

Tucán lunges and stabs Maybelline.

Hallie

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Natural 1 for everybody else, but for me, I am living. In fact, I just “heh” after that happens.

Tom

I want Hilda to return at this very moment and be like:

[Laughter.]

Tom (as Hilda)

What the F?!

Hallie (as Booker)

What did I miss?! God, I didn’t go on the rollercoaster, I didn’t’ see the shanking, god… I missed everything.

[Threatening music begins.]

Kyle

Maybelline looks at you with a fury and she points to all of the Mannymates around her.

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Look at that. They put red all over my beautiful pink dress. Also, I got stabbed hard enough to bleed.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Get them!

[Music changes to frantic swing music.]

Tom

Battle time! Battle time!

Hallie

Battle time!

Kyle

I was gonna do a chase, unless you wanna fight an army of Ron Mannymates.

Tom

We’re Tier 6. None of them can stop us.

Hallie

That’s also true.

Kyle

Sure. It’s combat time, baby. Roll me initiative.

Ari

[Rolls.] I got a 10.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Oh, motherfucker. I got a 2.

Ari

Oh no.

Emily

[Rolls.] I got a 12.

Ari

Oh!

Tom

[Rolls.] I got an 8.

Kyle

We’ll say that was for Sparky. What did Booker get?

Hallie

Oh, Booker?

[Rolls.] Eleven.

Emily

So, how many points did we get off of Maybelline by stabbing her?

Kyle

That would be 2 I believe is how much the knife does.

Tom

Damn.

Ari

Where was she stabbed?

Kyle

I was thinking just the shoulder.

Ari

Oh, okay.

Hallie

Yeah, classic shoulder.

Kyle

So a little drip of red gets down on her dress.

Ari

I thought she got stabbed at the heart, and I was like “oh no… this is—”

Tom

“Time for murder.”

Kyle

Sure.

Tom

Hilda’s traumatized for life.

Kyle

She gets stabbed in the heart, something even Lorraine Stiles wouldn’t have been able to survive. Quique, you realize that you were right, these are not the people that you knew.

Ari

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Sparky, roll me Speed Defense.

Hallie

I’m trained.

[Rolls.] Thirteen.

[Music changes to threatening ambience.]

Kyle

Okay. The Ron Mannymates start to surround you as the Mr. Elmo figure just gulps the final bit of his cigarette with a big crunch. No, a big slurp.

Hallie

[Giggles.]

Tom

[Disgusted.] Oh… Oh no.

Hallie

There were so many tactile things going on with this cigarette and I am obsessed with it.

Tom

This is the worst texture imaginable.

Hallie

I love it so much.

Kyle

Sparky, you jump to the side as you feel a heart swing past you.

Hallie

A heart?

Kyle

And Maybelline, having failed to hit you with the heart that’s now at the end of her knife, points and says:

Hallie

What the fuck?

Kyle (as Maybelline)

Get me that compass!

Hallie (as Sparky)

No.

Kyle

And it is Irene’s turn.

[Music ends.]

Emily

I didn’t describe her having a chair…

Kyle

Oh, she has a chair.

Emily

Can she—Okay.

[01:05:00]

Kyle

It’s just assumed it’s there. It’s a chair or something else. Like how the strong-glass staff is a sword.

Emily

I feel like Irene would have a brief internal panic because the only time she has ever fought has been with Necromon.

Ari

Oh no.

Hallie

Aww.

Emily

And she does not have Necromon.

Tom

Oh no.

Emily

So, in her panic, she will grab the nearest hard thing she can find and swing it, and that happens to be a folding chair off her back that is a part of her costume that I didn’t mention.

Kyle

Who are you swinging at?

Emily

Um, probably Maybelline.

Kyle

Alright, give me a roll.

Hallie

[Musically.] Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Tom

[Flatly.] Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Hallie

Ha!

Emily

[Rolls.] It is a 19.

Ari

Ooh!

Tom

Nice.

Kyle

How much did the chair do by default?

Emily

Seven.

Kyle

Alright, so you can either do 10 points of damage or you can have a minor effect.

Emily

Okay. Would this be a major effect or a minor effect? If I didn’t want her to instinctively go after Hilda.

Tom

Aww.

Emily

Hilda’s so squishy.

Tom

I am not.

Kyle

We’ll say she targets you, because she was not gonna go after Hilda.

Emily

Okay. Well, if she wasn’t anyway, then I don’t wanna use up my—

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

Yeah, alright. CONK! Her head goes down like two feet.

Tom

[Startled.] Ooh!

Ari

Two feet?!

Kyle

Not two feet. Her head goes down like half a foot.

Tom

Just buried deep in her chest.

Hallie

Christ.

Ari

That sounds like a glitch in a video game.

Kyle

You know in Episode 1, An Oasis of Ghosts, where you comically knocked off Rasputin’s head and then he put it back on? Yeah, it’s that, but it’s a human flesh head.

[Distressed sounds.]

Tom

This is a huge content warning episode. I wanna put that out there.

Ari

It’s a Halloween episode, so hey.

Hallie

Hallieween!

Ari

Hallieween!

Tom

Is this what you wanted your legacy to be, Hallie?

Hallie

Eh, a little bit.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I mean, it’s only happened to Maybelline so far, so…

Tom

Look. I’m glad we’re just finally getting the Lorraine boss fight we deserved.

Kyle

[Defensive.] Alright…

Emily

I also specifically did not attack Mr. Elmo because I felt like I needed to at least give first dibs on him to the two people who attacked him in actual Hereafter.

Tom

Oh, that’s a good point. I’m torn now.

Kyle

Speaking of. Booker, it’s your turn.

Hallie

Booker! Oh man, I just wanna fling myself at, um… I’m gonna fuck up Elmo. I just wanna—the book opens, and it’s over Elmo’s face, and oh my god there’s a book, he can’t see, it’s me, Booker.

Kyle

Okay.

Tom

Do it. Destroy him. Cast him into the fire.

Hallie

[Hums a peppy tune.] Do I have a fun ability to use? Not really. Oh wait, Eye Gouge! That’s what I’m using. Ah-ha!

Ari

Oh, that’s right!

Kyle

Oh! Oh…! How does Eye Gouge work again?

Hallie

You make an attack against a creature with an eye. The difficulty of the attack is increased by 1 step, but if you hit, the creature has trouble seeing for the next hour. During this time, the difficulty of any of the creature’s tasks that rely upon sight is increased by 1 step.

Emily

Because you just paper cut his eye.

[Loud groans and other sounds of distress.]

Hallie

Yeah, I just wanna paper cut his eye. I am going to use 2 levels of Effort.

Kyle

Oh good, you need to. Alright, give me an attack.

Hallie

[Rolls.] Fourteen.

Kyle

Shink, shink, shink, shink!

Hallie

[Laughs in delight.] Yes! Oh my god!

Kyle

His eyes get cut, and—

Ari

Oof.

Tom

Oh god, no. I’m gonna X-Card the description of this. I’m gonna X-Card the description of this real hard.

Ari

Thank you, Tom.

Kyle

Okay. I will then just vaguely say, if anything happens to his body, it will turn into ashy fluid.

Hallie

[Chuckles.] Okay. You’re welcome, team.

Kyle

Was that vague enough, Tom?

Tom

Uh… we’ll let it pass.

Kyle

Okay.

Emily

I didn’t expect the phrase “ashy fluid.”

Kyle

Well, we know cigarettes are liquids in this world, so…

Tom

[Groans.] No!

Kyle

Nicotea…

Tom

Nicoteani!

Kyle

It sounds like a cocktail.

[laughter.]

Ari

That sounds like a cigarette Pokémon, Nicoteani.

Tom

[Scrunched in delight.] Yeah, I was gonna say it’s a Necromon.

Hallie

Nicotea!

Tom

[Posh.] Nicoteani, that Legendary Pokémon.

Ari

[Amused.] Nicoteani.

Hallie

Oh my god, Nicotea… Fan artists, please make us this.

Kyle

Anyways.

Tom

Anyways. Whose turn was it now?

Kyle

Uh, it’s Quique’s.

Ari

Oh, it’s me!

[Fun swing music begins.]

Kyle

Quique, you have—again, for the sake of the X-Card, I will not describe everything that happened, but you saw it happen.

Ari

Well, you know, there’s a lot of things going on here. I know, I want to use Shock to the System, but the way I am going to flex it is that Quique is just recounting all of the similar experiences he has witnessed in his long, long, long life and how this may or not compare to some of the most—

[01:10:00]

Kyle

What the fuck has Quique experienced in his life?

[Laughter.]

Ari

He has experienced a lot.

Kyle

Quique, you know those YouTube videos where it’s like “the ‘blank’ iceberg explained,” where it starts with the basics and goes? I feel like that’s what Sparky wants to do, just a video, “the Quique iceberg explained.”

Hallie

Yeah, that’s exactly what she wants to do. Quique is so fucking fascinating.

Ari

Quique is a man of many mysteries.

Hallie

He’s a man of many mysteries, and Sparky is gonna solve all of them.

Kyle

Okay, so who are you traumatizing with your life?

Ari

Um…

Hallie

[Whispering.] Sparky.

Ari

So, in addition to beheaded slash eye gouge…

[Music ends.]

Kyle

There are a bunch of the Mannymates, the big costumed security, except they’re the Mannymate Rons because they all have Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and mustaches. They’re like a cluster enemy. Essentially, they all have a group health.

Ari

I’ll do it to them, or to one of them if I can’t do it to multiple people.

Kyle

Yeah. The idea is that, if you attack one Ron, you attack all of them. They go down real easy.

Ari

Okay. I want to do it to all of the Rons.

Tom

Oh-ho-ho…

Kyle

Oh god. Give me a roll.

Ari

Just getting all of the secrets that Sparky has ever wanted from Quique.

Hallie

For fuck’s sake.

Kyle

Are you using any Effort?

Ari

I am using 2 levels of Effort.

Kyle

Okay.

Ari

[Rolls.] And that’s an 18!

Tom

Oh my god.

Hallie

Holy shit.

Tom

One extra point of damage.

Kyle

Well, it doesn’t do damage normally, right?

Ari

No, I think it just makes them faint.

Tom

Oh, that’s right.

Kyle

Wait, it just makes them ‘what?’

Ari

Yeah! Affected targets faint and collapse to the ground remaining unconscious for two rounds.

Kyle

So it’s an insta-kill, basically! Alright.

[Laughter.]

Alright. You hear a series of very masculine “AHH,” and in the front you just hear one of them say:

[Overly tragic music begins.]

Kyle (as Ron-13)

Oh my god, Aneen-12! Aneen-12! Are you with me, buddy?

Kyle

And the other one says:

Kyle (as Ron-12)

Whaleter-13, it’s so… it’s so horrifying, yet captivating!

Kyle (as Ron-13)

That’s right, Aneen-12, I feel equally blessed and cursed with this knowledge. AHH!

[Music ends.]

Kyle

And they all pass out. All of them are on the ground.

Ari

As they pass out, Quique will just be like:

Ari (as Quique)

What just happened?

Kyle

Anyways, I’m just gonna mark them off. Hilda, it’s your turn.

[Magical song (Xoc’s Theme) begins.]

Tom

So, Hilda is going to hold out her right hand which is the one that has the glove with the little ring where there used to be a bedazzle and start just gathering moats of light in it, charging up and up and up and up. Now, the real question is who does the bullet hit? On the one hand, would it be more in-character to blast Mr. Elmo who kidnapped the entire school? Yes. On the other hand, at long last, me, out of character Tom with a chance to hit Lorraine Stiles with a 6 Effort Cutting Light!

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Tom

[Fierce.] Have you forgotten the power of Xoc?! You gave me back this character sheet. Now you get 6 levels of Effort. I can do this all day.

[Music ends.]

Ari

Oh my god.

Hallie

Oh my god. Holy shit.

Tom

I can do this for ages. Let’s go over the numbers here. I have 43 Int right now.

Hallie

Jesus!

Tom

To cast Cutting Light with 6 Effort only takes 9. I think 2 to hit and 4 to damage is more than adequate.

[Rolls.] That’s a 10. I thought I rolled a 19 for a second.

Kyle

Yeah, of course that’s enough. Of course that’s enough to kill. Who did you target?

Tom

Wait, hold on, hold on. Let’s tally up that damage. That’s, what, 4 times 3 so that’s 17… 17 against Maybelline, 17 damage on Maybelline with Cutting Light.

Kyle

Yeah, how do you just cut her up?

Hallie

Jesus.

Kyle

Is it like the sword thing where you just (shink) in, (shink) out, and then suddenly she just slides in half?

Tom

So, we recall how her head is now two feet down in her torso, right?

Kyle

Yeah.

Tom

Just gonna (slice sound) a hole right through that, just melted.

Kyle

And before Sparky can even act…

Tom

[Guilty.] Wait, oh no! Wait, no! No!

Hallie

Yeah, what the fuck!

Tom

Wait, I can redirect my attack to Mr. Elmo! No!

Hallie

No, it is too late.

Tom

No, this isn’t right.

Hallie

It is too late. You have taken this from me.

Tom

[Distraught shout.] I’m so sorry.

Hallie

[Smirking.] This feels right somehow.

Tom

No! No…

Hallie

That’s fine. I accept it.

Tom

No, no, no. Wait. Undo.

Hallie

This night has not gone in my favor except for when I gouged out Mr. Elmo’s eye.

Tom

Oh no! I didn’t mean—I didn’t…

Hallie

Before Sparky even gets a turn! And where “I” can destroy the Lorraine analog.

[01:15:00]

Tom

I don’t— I don’t— I don’t— No…

Hallie

No! No! No, it’s done. No. It is legitimately funnier this way.

Tom

Oh… I didn’t expect it to kill.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

‘I forgot I was lethal.’

Kyle

Alright. Well, you’re around a bunch of unconscious Rons, a dead Maybelline Stiles… you don’t have the package.

Tom

Well, we got Mr. Elmo. He’s still alive, he just doesn’t have eyes anymore.

[Laughter.]

Kyle

So, anyways. You look down at the celestial clock and you notice that it has kind of been swinging around in a circle. You notice specifically as you hear:

Kyle (as ???)

[As if rushing past.] Ah… Oh my god, this is so cool. … Ah! I think I’m gonna die again.

Kyle

As the rollercoaster carts go past you.

Hallie

And the suite.

Kyle

The suite one specifically. You notice that the line of the clock is actually lining up specifically with the suite seat.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

Meaning that, yes, Booker could have gotten the package a while ago.

Hallie

Tom, running everything even in hindsight.

Ari

Oh no!

Tom

Even when Tom wins, he loses.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

God, I knew it was there! Alright, Sparky’s going for it.

[Hectic electro swing begins.]

Kyle

Are you running in line or are you gonna try to get on it halfway through it running past you?

Hallie

The second one. Because you know what’s fun? I’m good at math now. I would like to use Visual Calculus in order to time this jump into the suite.

Kyle

So, if I understand, you do math and everything is 1 step easier, right?

Hallie

I think so, yeah. Then, because there’s a high chance that there’s a door on this thing and it’s not really open, I’d like to be jumping with my Defibrillimb so that I’m lasering my way into this suite.

Tom

Hilda’s following, just in case Sparky falls.

Ari

Can I do a thing to reluctantly help Sparky?

[Chuckling.]

Kyle

Yeah, absolutely. Sparky, you look down, you look up, you do the math. Everyone sees Sparky and it literally is the confused math woman meme. She’s doing the calculations and doesn’t quite understand but is also figuring it out.

Hallie

[Laughing.] Okay. Oh god.

Kyle

And then… let’s go big. You know at the end of your rollercoaster race there’s a big ramp in the middle of it?

Hallie

Yeah.

Kyle

It’s gonna go off the ramp.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

You see Sparky run, and you see Hilda run after her. Quique, what do you do?

Ari

[Giggling.] I want to use Move Mountains.

Kyle

On what? … On how?!

[Laughter.]

Ari

The package is on the top cart, right? Is that kind of what you said?

Kyle

It’s on the front cart which is just a suite. It’s a literal suite on a rollercoaster.

Ari

Oh. Was it the top cart—like, I was picturing it was like above the rollercoaster, so I wanted…

Kyle

Sure! Sure. Let’s say it’s not only the front it is also on the second story.

Hallie

[Amused.] Yeah, why not?

Ari

So I wanted, as they are running, for Quique to just kind of be like “oh, I want to get this over with,” and then not knowing how or that it was him necessarily, create a mountain as they’re walking so that it lifts them, like a little mountain elevator.

[Music ends.]

Kyle

Yeah, we’ll say that makes it another step easier. You know what? Let’s make this interesting. Let’s make it a Difficulty 9 task since you’re all strong enough for that.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

Irene, do you do anything to help?

Emily

I’ve just been following, but I feel like there’s not so much else I can do.

Tom (as Hilda)

Irene, can you help me catch, just in case something goes wrong?

Emily (as Irene)

Yes, I’m very good at catching, but can’t you just use your magic powers?

Tom (as Hilda)

Uh… my magic powers might not be perfect for this.

Emily (as Irene)

I thought you were a wizard. Don’t you have transportation spells?

Tom (as Hilda)

Look. If I had the ability to step really far away, I would, but I don’t.

Kyle

[Laughs.] Alright. Sparky, give me a roll.

Hallie

Okay.

Kyle

How much Effort are you using?

Hallie

As much as I can.

Kyle

Okay, 6 levels of Effort.

Hallie

Six.

Kyle

And a bonus from Quique. You have to roll a 6 or higher.

Hallie

For fuck’s sake…

[Rolls.] Eleven!

[Others cheer.]

Yeah! That’s two ones, but it’s good this time.

[Overly happy guitar music plays.]

Kyle

Sparky, you run. The mountain rises from beneath you. What does the mountain look like, Ari?

Ari

Uh, it looks like a mountain of… bones?

[Laughter and groaning.]

Kyle

All of the bones from underneath Roulettia before EZ-Life was instituted, also because it’s nightmare land.

Tom

Oh no.

Hallie

[Delighted.] That was the worst thing you could have said!

Tom

What the fuck?

Hallie

A mountain of bones! That’s not even structurally sound.

Kyle

Sparky launches with her Defibrillimb.

Hallie

Wee!

Kyle

Irene and Hilda, waiting below to catch her.

[01:20:00]

Sparky, describe how you expertly get on the thing right before it goes off the ramp.

Hallie

Oh man. Okay. The thing about bones is that they’re not stable at all, so I like to imagine that, when this mountain of bones comes up underneath Sparky, she trips a little bit, comically, but then she turns that little trip into a spin. With the height and the momentum given to her by this mountain of bones, that is just enough for her to do a really sick mid-air barrel roll.

Then, as she’s coming up facing the suite as it’s coming by, she’s got her Defibrillimb and she punches through the glass with the limb just seconds before it would have been worse, because it would have been her body. You know how in action movies they do the summersault?

Kyle

Yeah. You do a three-point land.

Hallie

Yeah, that one! That’s what I’m trying to say, the three-point land. She does the three-point land and she’s on her knees with her Defibrillimb up Iron Man style. She’s a little bit surprised because, I don't know, this is a physical feat that she is not capable of doing normally. So, when she lands, she’s like:

Hallie (as Sparky)

Maybe math wasn’t a waste.

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Then I look around for the package. Is it in here?

Kyle

It is.

Hallie

Yeah!

Kyle

You see it. It’s got Victor Daemon’s smiling face on it.

Hallie

I yoink it. I yoink it and I fling myself back out. Yeet!

[Music ends.]

Ari

Yeet!

Tom

Yeet!

Hallie

Onto the mountain of bones. I wanna surf on a bone.

Tom

Quique Flings Sparky out.

Ari

Yes! Fling!

Kyle

Vroom!

[Laughter.]

Hallie

Yeet!

[Whooshing sound signaling a scene change.]

Aaron (as Victor)

Ah-ha! My deepest thanks for this delivery. It shall truly make this party the bee’s knees.

[Dance Halloween music plays over the speakers.]

Kyle

You are all at the top of Victor Daemon’s tower. You are tired and exhausted not only from the Roulettia adventure but you actually had to go through a whole Castlevania maze of monsters to get to him.

Hallie

[Laughs.] That we just glossed over.

Kyle

But Victor Daemon is beaming.

Aaron (as Victor)

Frankie has been salivating all night over the mere thought of this package. I can already see the excitement in Mummy’s face. I’ll need to save a few for Adam Sandler as well.

[Laughter.]

Thank you! Thank you again! My guests will love these macarons.

Tom (as Hilda)

[Indignant.] Macarons? What?!

Aaron (as Victor)

Yes, blood orange macarons! They’re absolutely delectable, but you can only find them in a few select dimensions.

Emily (as Irene)

It’s actually pronounced macaron. {using a shorter O sound}

Ari (as Quique)

That was the package? It was macarons?

Hallie (as Sparky)

You got cookies? These are cookies? Why didn’t you just order new cookies?

[Shouting.] Why didn’t you just order new cookies?

Aaron (as Victor)

Because they wouldn’t be as good as these.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Why do you—

Tom (as Hilda)

Can we at least go home now?

Aaron (as Victor)

Ah yes, your reward. Are you sure you don’t want to stay for the party?

Tom (as Hilda)

No.

Ari (as Quique)

However, if you do give me the money you promised, give us the money you promised…

Tom

[Laughs.]

Aaron (as Victor)

Fine! Your loss. Here is your money. Thank you for the macarons. You can go out that door and you will be maca-gone. Ah-ha-ha!

[Music ends.]

Emily (as Irene)

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Tom

[Laughs.]

Hallie (as Booker)

Are macarons anything like the Manny Rons we just fought?

Hallie

Booker yells from the background where he is eating… not the party food, but he’s snacking on the tablecloth itself. Before we leave, I’d like him to ruin the whole party spread by eating the tablecloth and then it pulls everything down and it goes (clatter).

Kyle

Yeah.

Hallie

That’s the sound food makes when it falls, if you didn’t know.

Tom

Exquisite.

Kyle

Alright. Anything y’all do before you head out?

Hallie

I wanna hold up the compass thing.

Hallie (as Sparky)

Can I keep this?

Kyle

Roll me… Roll me Persuasion.

Hallie

Which I am specialized in.

[Rolls.] Fourteen?

Kyle

He looks at you.

Aaron (as Victor)

[Laughing sarcastically.] Can I keep this? Can I keep…

[Trails into words unintelligible past giggling.]

[Flatly and abrupt.] No.

Hallie

Fucking—!

Ari

No!

Hallie

Motherfucker. That’s how you’re ending the Halloween session after I didn’t get to punch Lorraine? After I—

Tom

[Wincing.] I’m so sorry.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Kyle

It’s Questionable Measures. That’s when “no” happened.

Hallie

Oh my god.

Tom

So sorry.

Hallie

OH my GOD. [Long distressed screech.]

[Silly halloween music plays and carries out to the bloopers.]

[01:25:00]

Tom

Tom ruins Halloween the game.

Hallie

Hallieween! Tom ruins Hallieween!

Tom

[Sob-laughs.] I didn’t even say it right.

Hallie

[Tearful.] This is the worst holiday! This sucks. Who decided this is a holiday? Ugh~

[Others giggle.]

Ugh…! [Coughs.]

Kyle

And that’s the Halloween special. A couple of other analogs in case anyone’s curious. Tommy Funbuck was Chazz Casey. Vespari was Rasputin. Q-BO was Alina. The pi pod kid was either gonna be Steve or Ariel. Cart was the frog in a tutu. And Chris Prevansworth-Pine was Lucas Bang.

Ari

Ohh!

Hallie

OHH! Chris Prevansworth-Pine! Oh…

Emily

[Chuckles.]

Kyle

So, we’re on our Halloween special. We are going to start with Victor Daemon doing a monologue because that’s what he does every time.

[Silly voice.] Whoa-ho-ho, let’s talk about world and maybe I need help from some old friends or something-something.

Tom

[Silly voice.] Batman.

Kyle

[Silly voice.] This is not my voice and not the voice I’ll do when he talks to you.

Hallie

I was gonna say, good imitation of Victor Daemon.

[Mocking the silly voice.] Oh-ho, I’m a completely different person.

Kyle

I love that the two of you each got your costumes from books and one of them has a big blue hat and one of them has a big red hat like true rivals.

Emily

I wasn’t actually going to originally have it be from a book, I wasn’t sure, but as soon as I heard that Hilda’s was from a book I decided that Irene’s was from—

Hallie

Is it the same book?

Emily

Yes.

Kyle

That’s what I was thinking, like rivals from the same book.

Emily

That’s what I was picturing.

Ari

Oh yeah.

Kyle

Hilda’s Sonic to Irene’s Shadow the Hedgehog. Same color scheme.

Tom

God!

Kyle (as Victor)

So first off, I found a bunch of junk in this drawer. You can feel free to take whatever you want.

Kyle

Victor Daemon is gonna pull out four cyphers—the final four cyphers actually because there were four remaining that we never used for Season 1. They are a flexible metal pole about one inch thick that keeps bending itself into different shapes, a paper airplane with little paper bombs inside of it—

Ari

Oh my god! What an A.Lex cypher.

Kyle

A bandit’s mask with wings on the side, and then finally a bagpipe that sprays out a colorful mist when it plays.

Hallie

I’d be happy with any of these.

Emily

I feel like Sparky Malarky would be particularly happy with the bandit’s mask.

Kyle

Wink!

Tom

I thought that sentence was going to end very differently. Ignore me.

[Laughter.]

Emily

I mean, she would be happy with a lot of the bandit’s things.

Hallie

Oh, because he’s the Aggressive Bandit. Oh… Fuck it, give me the bandit mask. It’s aggressive now.

Tom

I’m taking the paper airplane with little paper bombs inside of it.

Ari

Okay, I think I want the flexible metal pole.

Emily

I guess I have bagpipes.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Ari

No, I mean, if you want, like…

Tom

I can switch if you want.

Kyle

No, that’s fine. I do love that we’ve given the character with sound sensitivity and chronic pain a pair of bagpipes.

Several

Oh no~!

Tom

We can trade. We can trade!

Hallie

I didn’t mean for that!

Kyle

I think it’ll be fine. I don’t think it’ll be a big deal.

Emily

I think it’ll be fine.

Tom

[Emotional.] Are you sure?

Kyle (as Victor)

Let’s do some Halloween magic!

[Hums rhythmic gibberish.]

Tom

A terrible spell.

Kyle

[The humming begins to resemble Bibbidy-Bobbidy-Boo.] These powers will expire—

[Laughter.]

Tom

Atrocious.

Ari

Is he going to voice over this?

Kyle (as Victor)

Just like in my favorite movie of all time, Cinderella, the Disney one… It comes from… It comes from some dimension you’re not used to. Just like how those expire at midnight, this will expire at 8:30.

Kyle

Quique, you feel kind of a combination of the two of these. You feel some sense of magic, but more importantly you see your beautiful ivory— I think human bone is ivory, right?

Ari

I think so.

Kyle

Let me check.

[Typing.] Is human bone ivory?

Ari

Oh my god.

Kyle

Nope.

Hallie

Nope!

Kyle

Which you can hank Emily for this, because Emily reminded me that Misha’s scarf had a knife that was never used. I was like oh perfect, Tucán has a beak.

Ari

Yes, Misha’s scarf had a knife, it’s true.

Tom

God.

Kyle

Tucán just got more dangerous.

Ari

It’s the knife Misha had at the beginning but I just also never used because I was like this is too much.

Kyle

Quique would use it, though, in dire circumstances.

Ari

Yeah.

Kyle

I also choose to believe that the chair is part of the costume but it’s also just nice because Irene can take breaks by sitting on it while trick-or-treating.

Several

Aww.

Hallie

That’s cute.

Ari

I thought about that actually.

Hallie

That’s cute, yeah.

[01:30:00]

Kyle

Can we have a D.A.R.E episode of Quest Friends where Hilda has to go to a D.A.R.E program and they have the Nicoteani Pokémon?

Ari

[Smiling.] Nicoteani.

Hallie

We promise, we don’t support cigarettes, or drugs.

Ari

We don’t.

Hallie

It’s just that we find cigarettes funny.

Kyle

That’s why it’s a D.A.R.E. episode.

Hallie

[Amused.] that’s why it’s a D.A.R.E. episode. We do need one of those.

Tom

Oh boy.

Emily

I just want you all to know that, before I remembered that this was the Rons design, I thought this was like “oh, we return back and all these creatures have just adapted after they saw Hannelore in the NPC fight.”

Ari

Oh my god.

Emily

I thought they were all just dressed as Hannelore Dunn.

Kyle

I specifically designed the Rons after the Hannelore Cookie Three design.

Hallie

[Laughs.]

Kyle

I thought this is what someone who would want to be a superstar cop would wear, and I know that because Hannelore Dunn wore it.

Hallie

God bless Hannelore Dunn.

Kyle

I just love that I designed the world’s worst woman with Maybelline and still the vendetta is against Lorraine whose body she has taken over.

Tom

Unquestioning.

Hallie

Lorraine is also the world’s worst woman.

Ari

Yeah.

Hallie

You know?

Kyle

It’s the world’s worst woman versus the Ninth World’s worst woman.

Hallie

[Frustrated.] Oh my god. Whatever.