The Frozen Factory feat. PONTIFACTS, Part 1

[Intense, traditional choral music plays.]

Fry 

[The music ends.]

Hello, and welcome to Pontifacts. I'm Fry [PRONOUNCED: FREYE].

Bry 

And I'm Bry [PRONOUNCED: BREE], ranking all of the Amber Popes from Calaval to Scotch! And this is episode 624: Pope Abstemius. Have you heard of Pope Abstemius? 

Fry 

No, I haven't.

Bry 

So! We'll jump right into it then, because Abstemius has a very interesting history. Abstemius was born and grew up during the Crusade of Durranet the Sixth, against the Gaians. So he personally witnessed the crumbling of the Order of Truth as a child, and as a young man, when he joined the Order, he found it lacking substance 

As an Aeon Priest, he was extremely outspoken about his beliefs that the Order of Truth was at its peak when it embraced a more quasi-religious structure inspired by the old world, and blamed Durranet's crusade for the obsolete, crumbling state that the Order of Truth was currently in.

Fry 

[Dryly.] Like you do. 

Bry 

Like you do.

In his sermons, Abstemius railed about the casualties of the crusade and the destruction of resources and knowledge and how this all had resulted in the general public mistrusting the Order, and the dwindling adherence of the Order of Truth. Which makes sense! He's not wrong there. He just took it very, very much to heart. And this is when we see him begin to draw followers. 

You know, he had some general adorers who supported his policy, to the extreme followers who fell hard into seeing him as a messiah figure who would restore the order to its former glory. Big shoes to fill. 

Fry 

Oh, yeah, totally too huge.

Bry 

And this, along with the fact that he also pleased the more moderate Aeon Priests with his dedication to non-aggression, is how he was elected to be the next Amber Pope. 

Now during his papacy, Abstemius worked hard to revive a church atmosphere, running the Order of Truth like a mix of the churches and the seminaries from the old First World. He opened the space so that people could come to learn and to hear a sermon, come to venerate the artifacts, or venerate saints. 

And now these saints are new, and this is a new concept introduced by Abstemius,  inspired by old half-remembered tales of Catholic saints. Catholics would pray to saints to intervene on their behalf by showing them favor, or giving some sort of blessing. 

So Abstemius felt that if he could bring saints into the Order of Truth, they would be the ones who had delivered wisdom to the world, because that's his big thing. Artifact hunters and datasphere communicators who access things that the everyday person couldn't, and then those who choose to share that knowledge so it could be universal, would be venerated in the new Order of Truth saints.

But things were not all as smooth as it might seem! Not everything went the way that Pope Abstemius wanted. One of his ardent followers, actually, a woman called Paloma, who was a budding saint in the Order of Truth, had been sent out by Pope Abstemius to retrieve a valuable artifact, and something happened on her expedition and she ended up exposed to the void. 

No one really knows why, and she certainly hasn't had any commentary on what happened, but when she came back, she had a whole new set of ideals that she felt were significantly more important to her than Abstemius' message of wisdom and truth. 

She wanted to embrace...feelings.

She had a lot of feelings, and she felt that feelings were at the absolute root of truth. And also, varied-level marketing tactics that would give people the enchanted and mystical crystals and ungents and genital steaming apparati that they would need to bring them in harmony with their true selves. 

Fry 

[Trying not to laugh.] I'm sorry. You can't say genital steaming apparati without me laughing at it.

Bry 

[Laughter.]

So she clearly had her own way about things. And this started to cause a problem, and soon Paloma's ramblings became more informal gatherings outside of the church that were now considered under the auspices of Mama Paloma? 

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.] 

And the Order of Truth began to divide. And what happens when you get a divided Order of Truth?

Fry 

Anti-Popes! 

Bry 

That's right. You get an Anti-Pope.

[00:05:00]  [Opening theme intensifies.]

Kyle 

Hello, and welcome to the Quest Friends 2019 holiday special. I'm Kyle, your GM, and today we've got the folks from Pontifacts here to play a session with us! So before we continue, we're going to quickly introduce all of ourselves, our pronouns, our characters, their pronouns. 

First, I'm Kyle, he/him, and I play lots of people! Uh, and then we'll just go in order. Emily. 

Emily 

I'm Emily, my pronouns are she/her, and I play Elee Badge, whose pronouns are also she/her. Yeah, uh.

Hallie 

Uh, I'm Hallie. My pronouns are she/her. I play Hopper Scotch. His pronouns are he/him. I also play Ness, and his pronouns are he/him. 

Ari 

Hi! I'm Ari. Pronouns, she/her, and I play Misha, and their pronouns are they/them.

Tom

I am Tom, my pronouns are he/him. And I play Xoc, who also has he/him pronouns.

Kyle 

All right, and that's the Quest Friends taken care of. But you already know that! Unless of course you didn't already know that, in which case now, you know that. Uh, but we got two extra folks here, the folks from Pontifacts, so I'll let them introduce themselves. 

Bry 

I'm Bry, she/her, and I play Pope Abstemius,  a devout glint who becomes energy. And his pronouns are he/him. 

Fry 

I am Fry, she/her. I'm going to play Sister Paloma, also known as Mama Paloma to her followers. She/her. She is a mystical seeker who delved too deep. 

Kyle 

All right! With that taken care of, let's get started.

[Bright, upbeat holiday music begins to play, complete with jangling bells in the background.]

Kyle

[In a more Santa-esque narrator voice as the music volume fades. It plays under his rhyming narration.]

Our story begins one billion years from now,

when magic creates all that your imagination will allow. 

Many worlds had come and since returned to their slumber—

In fact, I believe nine was the current world's number!

And within this Ninth World,

a story unfurled,

of a pope and his rival, 

finding mutual survival.

It wasn't their plan!

Their schemes went sideways!

But regardless they reclaimed

the happy holidays!

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

So! Our story begins at the last remaining Chapel of the Order of Truth, although even calling it a chapel gives it a little bit too much credit. 

It's been at least a hundred years since the Order of Truth, which used to be the predominant quasi-religious force in the Steadfast, largely dissolved after a very misguided war by Pope Durranet the siiii...[Draws it out with uncertainty in his voice.]

[More confidently.] Pope Durranet the Sixth. 

Um, what used to be a sprawling city block in the city of Qi is now just a simple, humble building with a few small rooms. And in one of them, in the most ornate room, which is the size of three whole broom closets, the current leader of the Order of Truth, the Amber Pope himself, Pope Ab-stem-ee-us. Ab-stem-ee-us?

Bry 

Ab-STEEM-ee-us.

Kyle 

[Plaintively.] I'm sorry.

Ari 

[Wryly.] Kyle.

Tom

Kyle.

Kyle

Pope Abstem...ah...Pope...Pope Abstemius is, uh, giving a a lecture to a small group of followers.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Somber choral music swells.]

[In a rousing, sweeping voice.] And lo! Durranet the Sixth, the Aggressor, brought this horrible debilitation upon us when he decided that we needed to have a crusade against the Gaians!

[In a more somber, quieter tone.] So many people died. So many resources were lost. The amount of knowledge that was destroyed is unthinkable. 

[Imploring.] It is up to us to bring the Order back to its former state of prestige and wonder, so that we with far flinging reaches, can gather resources, can gather relics, can bring saints, can bring veneration, and bring back a sense of wisdom!

Kyle (as attendee)

[Haltingly, in an uncertain voice.] Uh, excuse me, excuse me?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[With warmth.] Yes, dear follower?

Kyle (as attendee)

So is this the aisle in JET.CO where I can get the shampoo?

[The music ends.]

Or did I turn around somewhere?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Oh, friend. You may be lost. But together, you may be found! 

[Quiet laughter from the party.] 

Why don't you come sit and have a look at some of our relics, and and see if any of them represent will this thing you're looking for...shampoo?

Bry 

I'll pull up a plastic bottle, dusted and withered and like, holey, like it's kind of deteriorated over time. Because even plastic would have deteriorated by this point.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

This bottle—

[Intently.] Fructis! [00:10:00]

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[With the air of someone imparting great knowledge.] At one point, contained hair cleaning supplies. And it was easy and convenient and smelled like something they referred to as...citrus. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Is this what you're looking for? 

Kyle (as attendee)

[Thoughtfully.] Well, I prefer one that's filled. 

Bry

[A huff of laughter.]

Kyle (as attendee)

[Considering.] But I've come to a few JET.COs already, so I'm okay with one that has a little bit in it.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[With a little less grace and patience, though still trying to maintain his good spirits.] Well, unfortunately, we can't give you this one, because this is a precious artifact that belongs to the Church. 

[A little sternly.] It is a relic of the First World, so... 

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as attendee)

[Plaintively.] Well...but...but I'm looking for shampoo.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[After a thoughtful hum.] Well, I could teach you a little bit of what we know about shampoo? 

[Resigned.] But if you want to buy some you might have to go elsewhere.

Kyle

And at that.

[Kyle snaps his fingers.] 

75% of the crowd stands up.

Bry

[Faintly.] Ohh, no.

Kyle

Rumbles to themselves, and leaves the room. [Faint laughter.]

Bry 

[A frustrated sigh.]

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Glumly.] I'm used to this. 

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle 

Uh, yeah, let's, so, so we see Pope Abstemius say that to himself, and what, for the sake of the visual in our mind, what is, what is the man we're looking at? What does he look like?

[Much more casual, upbeat music begins to play. It's chipper and inviting, with a hint of whimsy.]

Bry 

Abstemius is a fairly short man. In reference to the Quest Friends he'd probably be about six inches taller than Elee but shorter than everyone else. But he wears a very beautiful red and gold papal mitre that would bring him up to average height. 

He is surprisingly sturdy? He's not stocky, but he's reasonably muscular for reasons that I'm sure we'll come to later. He's got kind of slightly gray-white hair and a very close cropped facial hair goatee. His eyes are a gold color, which is reminiscent of the glow that comes off of his body, because he emanates this golden glow color. Kind of like radiation or a walking glow stick.

He wears a red and black embossed Cardinal-style robe, ready for adventuring at any moment. So he has that sort of opulence and elegance about him. He's really trying to bring prestige back to this organization that is otherwise kind of dusty and drab? But it's not super ostentatious. It's just enough to catch your eye, but not quite enough to make you go, 

[In a slightly disdainful tone.] Ooof, jeez.

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

And things, things aren't going so hot for our pal, is, are they?

Bry 

No...no, no they are not. He's really struggling because he grew up right—or, he grew up before the Crusade, and he was able to witness what the church was like when it had a religious structure that provided sermons and brought wisdom. 

[The music fades.]

It was like the Church of antiquity, focused on developing and spreading a message of knowledge and wisdom rather than, like, trying to push conversion. 

So now, after all is said and done and there's not much left, he's trying to make the Order function somewhat like a seminary school. Come to learn, come to hear a sermon, come to venerate some artifacts 

And he's also trying to introduce this concept of saints to kind of up the prestige so that, you know, when people might get excited about these figures who are bringing knowledge to the world.

Kyle 

And it's definitely, probably in some small part, as a way to deal with the competition that surrounded you. Because as I said, this used to be a major city center, but now your small building is swamped on both sides by large corporate buildings. JET.CO on one side, Fancy Tom's Fancy Hats on the other.

Emily 

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

And inside this center of consumerism, we're just gonna get that, we're gonna get that message out right away.

[Laughter.] 

Right in, right in the center of these, ah, buildings is you and your small group of followers. And in fact, one of them, panting, bursts open the doors and runs up to meet you. And what is this follower's name? 

Bry 

Um, jeez. How do you think of names? Um, let's call him Brother Barnabas?

Kyle 

Okay. Brother Barnabas Bennifer. Uh, that's his full name. 

Tom

[Quietly.] How dare you?

[Laughter from the party.]

[More intently.] How dare you.

Kyle 

Barnabas Barnabas Bennifer. That's his full name now.

Tom

[Sarcastically.] That's not gonna get hard to remember, is it?

Bry

That poor soul.

Hallie 

I love it. 

Tom

[With a deep and long-suffering sigh.] Ah, Jesus. 

Kyle 

All right. So Barnabas Barnabas Bennifer runs up to you, breathing very heavily. He's a young guy so he's had to have been running real hard for real far. Suddenly, you hear, 

[Elephant trumpeting noise.]

As he's just stopped in his place by a tiny baby elephant with wings.

Emily

[Gleefully.] Aww!! That's so cute!

Kyle 

This species of creature is called a birbaphant.

Emily 

[With delight.] A birbaphant!

Kyle 

And what is this birbaphant's name?

Bry 

It's Hanneeno!

Ari

[High delighted noise.]

Hallie 

[Dryly.] Oh my God.

Ari

Ahhh, it's so cute!

Bry 

Should I explain that? 

Kyle 

[Through laughter.] Yeah, go ahead. 

Bry 

Okay. So Hanneeno is a reference to Hanno, which was a white elephant that was actually owned as a pet by one of the popes, Pope Leo the Tenth, and his wings are dove wings, because it's a reference to Pope Fabian who became pope when a bird landed on his head 

Ari

[Through laughter.] Yeah, that is appropriate.

Kyle 

So he's a, he's a tiny birbaphant. [00:15:00]  He is your companion. We can go into the past and the history of your relationship at a later date because that's, honestly, that's a whole nother Christmas Story in its own right.

[Laughter from the party.]

Bry 

[Tongue-in-cheek.] Sure is!

Kyle 

So he runs into, uh, uh, Hanneeno, and then just brushes the birbaphant to the side which rests on his favorite sitting spot, which is, you guessed it, your head. 

Bry 

[Delighted.] Excellent. 

Fry 

How does he fit when there's a hat there?

Bry 

It its inside the hat! It's a mitre, they're hollow in the middle. 

Fry 

Oh, you're right. He's got a nest. 

Bry 

He's got a nest.

Kyle 

A little, a little bird nest. And your follower, Barnabas Barnabas Bennifer, he just freezes like, 

Kyle (as Brother Barnabus Barnabus Bennifer)

[Breathless from exertion and excitement.] Pope Abstemius! Important news from the Sea Kingdom of Ghan! An important artifact, a whole city of artifacts—a workshop! Has risen from the sea off the coast!

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)  

[A loud, long gasp.] 

[With gleeful intensity.] Wondrous news. This is the perfect opportunity!

Kyle (as Brother Barnabus Barnabus Bennifer)

Well, yeah, I think that part's great news, but there's, there's...

[Reluctantly.] There's some bad news along with it, too. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[His excitement tempered.] Okay?

What is it, my son?

Kyle (as Brother Barnabus Barnabus Bennifer)

[Huffs.] 

[Hesitantly.] So I learned about it because I ran across Sister Paloma, who's on her way there now.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Sharply.] What?

[Groovy, extremely chill guitar music begins to play.] 

Kyle 

[A whistling melody begins over the guitar.]

Somewhere off of Qi and off of Charmande, and really, off the grid, is this commune of people who used to be a part of the Order of Truth, but have kind of fallen out of it. It's lively. It's excited. People are milling about. This is an impromptu pop-up city in its own right, with shops and with celebrations and the kind of things that you would buy "as seen on TV."

In the center, there is someone else teaching. Her teaching style is a lot more collaborative. It's not a speaker in front of a group. It's a group sitting around with each other, just kind of celebrating. People come and go, they mill as they please, and not one person is looking for JET.CO shampoo. And because this is a lot more loose than a strict, like, sermon, uh, I can't really say specifically what's going on. 

[The music ends.]

So instead, I will have Sister Paloma, or as she's known around these parts, Mama, say what she is up to right now. 

Fry 

Well, right now we are having a...mm, it's kind of like a potluck and it's kind of like a guitar jam. We're just having a good time. 

Kyle 

The spaghetti is the guitar strings. 

Fry 

[Laughter.] Yeah. Sure. 

Kyle 

You've got nacho chips. 

Fry 

We're just drummin' on the nachos. And yeah, it's, it's a mess, but it's fun. So Sister Paloma, she's, she's in the mix of it. Everyone comes up and says hello to her. She blesses every one. She gives them a pat on their shoulder, clasps their hand. 

Otherwise, it's just pretty freeform. Everyone's feeling the music and the jives and the good time here. 

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

So as you're doing this. one of your followers comes to you and they're doing a very interesting walk. They're walking one foot in front of the other, touching their nose with each hand like someone who's doing a test to see if they've been drinking while driving. And what is the name of this follower there?

Fry 

Ah, their name is Helena Lordle? 

Kyle 

Helena Lordle?

Fry 

Yes.

Kyle 

Alright. Little Helena Lordle comes up to you, and I actually want to know how do you, how would you greet somebody?

Fry 

You know, they would come up and she would, uh, flourish her parasol and then do a slight bow to them, and they would bow back but it's not a requirement. 

Kyle 

Um, Helena doesn't do it back. They actually look a little bit concerned.

Kyle (as Helena Lordle)

[Plaintively.] Mama! I have some very concerning news. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Oh, what's that? 

Kyle 

You know, I would've known how to respond to that. 

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle (as Helena Lordle) 

Well, you know, you know Ghan?

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Yes, sure!

Kyle 

[Through laughter.] Said with the confidence of someone who doesn't know Ghan.

[Laughter from the party.]

I like to imagine that's in character.

Yes. Yes, I do. But please—

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Crosstalking.] Remind me again?

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle (as Helena Lordle) 

Well, your friend, the king of Ghan, has told us about more ancient artifacts!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Intrigued.] Oh, I do love some ancient artifact.

Tom and Ari

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Helena Lordle) 

Well, here's the thing. I've heard that this artifact can give you whatever you want!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Chastising just a little.] I mean, don't we already have whatever we want? 

Kyle (as Helena Lordle) 

Well, that's, that's what you said Mama, but well don't you think he might want a lot? 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Thoughtfully.] Yes. He usually does. We could go fetch it for him?

Kyle (as Helena Lordle) 

Is—was that a euphemism or are you, are we actually friends now? 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I mean, I'm friends with everybody!

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle (as Helena Lordle) 

Euphemism! Got it. We'll start at dawn!

Kyle 

And, uh, your follower leaves, and it gives Sister Mama Paloma time to think. And as Sister Mama Paloma thinks, what is the person that we are looking at? 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

All right.

[Music with a bit of an Addams Family feel begins to play — it's not full blown spooky, but it has a mischievous off-kilter feeling to it.] 

She's kind of, she's not super tall. She's maybe about, mm, five four. She's waifish, [00:20:00] because she's pretty bad at feeding herself, you know, basically taking care of herself in general. 

Her hair is kind of all sorts of snarled up. She's mushed a bunch of things into it? Not anything specific, just like bits of this and bits of that. Maybe a piece of spaghetti. 

She wears clothes that cover most of her, because she's been exposed to the void, so anything that, that's out and about that you can see of her skin has really dark bruising. 

She doesn't look as happy as she acts, in that way. She looks a bit ill, but she wears big old bug-eyed goggles.

[The music ends.]

And she has this excessively beaded parasol that she just flourishes around as she pleases. 

Kyle 

[More upbeat music begins to play, a bright and hopeful tune with a jangling tambourine.]

And that parasol turns away as Mama Paloma's eyes turn towards the direction—I'd say northwest of where you're looking. And she can't see very far, but we can see. We can see further and further past her view, moving onwards over various countries and over various landscapes.

We pass an aneen because we need an, 

Kyle (as aneen)

Aneen!

Kyle

Cameo, and we make our way off of the bridges to the Sea Kingdom of Ghan, and we see what they have heard about. We see this recently risen multicolored building that looks more like several small adorable cottages laid side by side. 

It will take a few days for both the Pope and the Anti-Pope to make their way to this washed-up workshop, but they're not the only ones going.

[The music fades.]

All right. So, uh, Hop. Hopper Scotch. I got a question for you, because I always forget to do this. What is your flex skill for the day?

Hallie

[Faint groan.]

[Laughter from the party.]

Emily

Flex skill!

Hallie 

Um, let's...let's...let's call it identification.

Kyle 

Identification of what?

Hallie 

Stuff.

[Laughter.] If I, like...

Kyle 

[Crosstalking, slightly incredulous.] Like recognition?

Tom

Like artifacts? Or...[Trails off.]

Hallie 

Yeah, like if I'm just totally metagaming, like, would Hop be able to...

Ari 

[Crosstalking.] Spidey senses for artifacts. 

Hallie 

I got to keep a running list of flex skills, because I never know what to pick and grappling hooks didn't...

Kyle 

[Crosstalking.] I got it. I got it 

Hallie 

[Slightly suspicious.] What. 

Kyle 

You can identify objects specifically related to this workshop. You know what we're going to call it?

[A beat.]

Christmas spirit. 

Ari 

Ohhhhhhhh no.

Hallie 

[Uncertain.] Is my flex skill Christmas spirit?

Bry 

[Slyly.] It is now!

[Laughter from the party.]

Tom

Ohhh boy.

Hallie 

I'm not sure how I feel about that!

Kyle 

We'll make an identification. 

[Laughter from the party.]

Ari 

Spidey senses!

Tom

[Ho-hum.] Okay. 

Kyle 

I got some bad news for you though, because I was going to introduce where you are and what you're doing based on Hop using his flex skill, but since his flex skill is identification, you should tell me what is Hop successfully identifying in this workshop. 

Hallie 

[Pained.] I've already ruined everything. Um...

[Laughter from the party.]

Is there like a rocking horse?

Kyle 

There—you can make up whatever you want. 

Hallie 

Oh! 

Kyle 

So long as it's not Santa Claus himself, I'm okay.

Hallie 

Like, hey, that's Santa!

[Laughter from the party.]

Um, yeah, let's do...I did rocking horse. We're just going to go with what I said first, rocking horse. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Brightly.] Oh, hey, this is, this is like a really old toy! They're not around so often, but you just, you just, it's called a rocking horse and you just...

Hallie  

And he's like, doing, he's pressing down on the, on the bendy part on the bottom so that it rocks back and forth, and he goes,

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Slightly anticlimactically.] This is, this is it. This is all it does, but.

[Laughter from the party.]

You know, they really liked them back then. 

Tom (as Xoc)

It's truly exceptional, Hopper Scotch. Do you think it was built in this place? 

Ari 

Oh, I was going to say that Misha is already on that horse.

[Laughter from the party.]

Hallie

[Through laughter.] I was just imagining it as, like, a really small horse!

Kyle 

Me too! So I imagine Misha is just sitting on this thing that's like a foot long, just rocking back and forth. 

Ari 

They're trying their best!

Hallie (as Hopper)

It's, it's really old so be careful! I don't know how sturdy it is. 

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I think this is really fun, Simon Scotch!

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Clearly happy for Misha but also a little worried about the stability of the horse.] Good! They did too!

Tom

Xoc is using the recorder headband to film Misha on the rocking horse for some wonderful holiday memories.

Ari

Misha is waving at Xoc.

Tom

Xoc waves back and you can see his hand pass in front of the, uh, the screen a little bit. 

Kyle 

So.

[Playful music starts. It has a heavy tuba but a waltzing, bright woodwind melody.]

You are inside of this workshop, this factory, that rose up out of the sea. And you're actually here on a favor! 

So the Sea King of Ghan wanted this checked out, and this was something that the, uh, queen of Ancuan, Queen Brackleberry, was going to actually send some of her workers to do, but they could make it in the moment. 

Emily

[Trying not to laugh in the background.] 

Kyle

So as a way of trying to mend things a little bit with Rei, you've decided to go and, and take care of this yourself. Put your best foot forward. 

Ari

[Chuckles.]

Kyle 

So you're currently in this large space, where there are wooden toys and stuffed things that have long since lost their stuffing. Around one of the corners, you can see your guide, who, ah, suddenly appeared when you entered the factory. 

He is a short round varjellen, [00:25:00]  varjellen being the fish folk in Numenera who look exactly like muppets. And this varjellen, whose name is Eu-see-bius.

Ari 

Eu-seb-ius.

Kyle 

Eusebius!

Ari 

Man...

Kyle 

I looked up the pronunciation online!

[The music ends.]

And it said Eu-see-bius.

Ari

It's Eu-seb-ius, man!

Kyle 

Eu-seb-ius.

Bry 

Not that Eusebius!

Fry 

Or that one. 

Ari 

There's a lot of Eusebius.

Kyle 

Looks over to you, and says,

Kyle (as Eusebius)

Have any of you found the candy key yet?

Tom (as Xoc)

[Sheepishly.] Oh, ah, not yet, Eusebius. 

Ari 

[Faintly.] Dammit. 

Tom (as Xoc)

But we found this incredible rocking horse!

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Pleased.] It's in really good condition. 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

Oh, yes, the good old rocking horse. I remember…reading…about those. 

Emily (as Elee)

[Flatly.] It's thrilling.

Hallie 

After Elee, Ness goes,

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah. Real exciting. 

Ari (as Misha)

Ness! Do you want to try and rock on this horse?

Kyle (as Eusebius)

Yes, young man. I think you would find a lot of enjoyment out of that!

Tom

[Laughter.]

Hallie (as Ness)

Why? It just, it just goes back and forth. It's like normal movement.

Ari (as Misha)

But in place!

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Ari (as Misha)

You think it advances forward but it doesn't! It's quite remarkable. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Excitedly.] It uses, it uses physics because if you go back far enough, then it works forward a little bit more, and it's...it's...okay. It's...

Ari 

Oh no.

[Laughter from the party.]

Hallie 

Um, Ness is just staring at Hopper while Hopper tries to explain physics, so Hopper just stop talking.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Tom

[Through laughter.] And Xoc will interject,

Tom (as Xoc)

Eusebius, where exactly should we be looking for the candy key within this facility?

Kyle (as Eusebius)

Well, the candy key looks a lot like the candy canes we saw earlier, but it's not nearly as delicious. Then again,

Kyle 

And he looks around with the cobwebs surrounding everything in this facility. 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

It all might taste the same now. [Boisterous laughter.]

Tom

Gotta get that Muppet laugh in there.

Kyle 

Gotta get that Muppet laugh in there. 

Ari

[Faintly.] God, Kyle.

Tom

What, what do our immediate surroundings look like?

Kyle 

I mean, it's a workshop. You've got a bunch of, um...give me a perception. 

Tom

All right, then. Let's crack out the dice. First role of the night. Let's use the good die? Maybe. [Dice roll.]

[Pleased and a little surprised.] Yeah, yeah. That's a twelve.

Kyle 

All right. Yeah, you see. Um, yeah, you're not going to see it, but you're going to get kind of a sense of where it is, because you look around and most things are pretty plain. You see a few conveyor belts where there are toys that seem to be mid-creation. So the rocking horse, a ball on a string, and it's all pretty easy to see where everything is.

On one end, you see a striped door, which is where the candy key will go. And the only spot where it seems like it could be is, you see a pile of stuffed animals, of teddy bears. But as I said, the stuffing has long since been lost, so it's just a pile of flat teddy bears, and that's the only place the key could be. 

It's kind of like finding a needle in a haystack, except it's a key in a pile of bears. 

Tom

Well, seeing this pile of flat bears, Xoc will wander over and just start, like, poking through it with the butt of the strongglass staff, you know, just scooting it around, sifting through. Trying to see if there's a clank.

Hallie (as Ness)

Ness just crawls straight into the middle of the pile because he's small enough. So imagine this massive pile of flat lifeless teddy bears. Xoc—not Xoc. Ness just crawls straight the middle of it. 

Kyle 

So.

Emily

Elee starts shredding them.

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle 

Because Ness is Xoc's companion, Xoc, I'm gonna give you a GM intrusion. Who do want, you want to give your other experience point to?

Tom

I will give my other experience point to Hopper Scotch, since Hallie is the one trick, strictly speaking, triggering this. 

Kyle 

Alright, and then, uh, Fry and Bry. You exper—are you familiar with experience points?

Bry 

Yeah. 

Fry 

I am not.

Kyle 

[Soothing, pleasant waiting room/loading menu music begins to play.]

Okay. Experience points are going to be things that you can get. You can use them for good things. So with one experience point you re-roll something. With two experience points, you can make it automatically succeed or you can push yourself farther than what's physically possible. Actually at three and four XP you get to basically break the laws of physics. 

Tom

[Amused noise.]

Fry 

Okay. 

Kyle 

That's why Hallie's saving all of her XP for, uh, the finale of Crime and Courtship.

Hallie 

[Pleased.] I got six.

Ari 

Oh, really!

Hallie. 

I got six. 

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

Okay, so Ness, you go and you see this key and it's kind of held in the hand of this teddy bear that's just lying there. And one of the fun things about this one is looks like,

[A very eerie minor key version of "Jingle Bells" begins to play, just the tinkling of piano notes at first.] 

It looks like it's almost like, absorbed the fluff of the other ones around it in that it's the only one that's fluffy and it's a little bit puffier than the rest. 

Hallie 

Cute. Uh, Ness, admiring the fluff, will poke the teddy bear's belly and then just take the key.

Kyle 

As you take the key, it doesn't pull it first and you can hear a little bit of laughter when you poked his stomach, like,

[A little, playful giggle. The music transitions to a major key and ends.]

Hallie 

Oh, I hate it.

Tom

[Shuddering groan.]

Kyle 

And suddenly. 

[Much more uptempo music begins to play, with a jazzy heist energy.] 

You see the teddy bear start pulling it against you. 

Hallie (as Ness)

I want this!

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Hallie 

And Ness pulls harder.

Kyle 

And as you do that, out of nowhere, a staff comes through the pile of teddy bears. 

Tom

[Faintly.] No!

Kyle

Knocks the one you're competing with square on the forehead. 

Hallie

[Laughter.]

Kyle

It scrambles, snarls, and suddenly the rest of you see this teddy bear [00:30:00]  throw itself out of this pile and start scrambling up the side of a candy cane towards the ceiling.

Hallie 

Does it still have the key? 

Kyle 

It still has the key.

Hallie 

[Whispering.] Dammit. 

Hallie (as Ness)

[Annoyed.] What'd you do that for? 

Tom (as Xoc)

[Startled and apologetic.] I'm sorry. 

Hallie (as Ness)

I had it!

Tom (as Xoc)

You just jumped in there!

Hallie (as Ness)

Yeah, and now we know where the key is and then you ruined it!

Tom (as Xoc)

[Startled noise.]

Kyle 

And then, 

[Clicks his tongue.]

Ta-took, ka-click! The teddy bear whips the key in the candy cane door, opens it, and shuts it. 

Hallie and Tom

[A pained chorus.] NO! 

Kyle 

And you, you hear rumbling, and the factory starts up again.

[Kyle makes faint chugging noises.]

Faster and faster and faster. And suddenly the rocking chairs, the rocking horses aren't being made, they're being made and shooting out almost at your heads. And in fact, everyone roll speed defense.

Hallie 

Through like, a window from the workshop?

Kyle 

Ah, no, uh, the conveyor belts are like, where are you are.

[Dice roll.]

Hallie 

Oh, I see.

[Dice roll.]

Ari 

[The music ends.]

[Glumly.] Nine.

Tom

An eleven.

Emily 

Sixteen.

Hallie 

Nine. 

Kyle 

Everyone except for Ari and Hallie. I mean, sorry, Ari and Hallie specifically take two points of might damage. 

Tom

Wait, what did Hallie roll?

Hallie 

[Slightly bewildered.] A nine.

Tom

But it should be, it should be one step easier then. 

Hallie 

I have my shield, so all speed defense tasks are one step easier. 

Kyle 

Oh right, you're right. Misha, take the brunt of that. Take four points of might damage. 

Hallie

Whoo hoo!

Tom

[Faintly.] I'm sorry. 

Ari 

I'm gonna rule that Misha just was still in the rocking horse.

[Laughter from the party.]

Kyle 

It flung them across the wall. [Horse whinny.]

Tom

Bucked by a rocking horse.

Kyle 

And you start to feel vibrations as the conveyor belts split and land on the ground and start to almost go in reverse. So essentially, they're hoovering up pieces of the floor. One side on the left, one on the right. 

Tom

I'd like to charm machine, and I'll spend one level of effort on this.

[Dice roll.]

I rolled a nine.

Kyle 

[Faint sigh.] So here's the thing, normally that would work. But you get another GM intrusion. Who you giving this other point to? 

Tom

I'll give it to Misha, because I've accidentally caused them more harm by correcting you on how numbers work. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] You suddenly noticed that wow, suddenly some interference appeared and the datasphere is a lot harder to access. 

Tom

[Strained.] Mmm. 

Ari 

[Slightly frantic.] No! 

Kyle 

You have more difficulty using esoteries, and Xoc and Misha can't communicate.

Tom

[Taken aback.] Uhhhhhh.

Ari

[Pained.] Oh NO!

[Loud chorus of NOs! from the party.]

Fry 

[Slyly.] Uh-oh.

Kyle 

And you lock eyes, Xoc and Misha, as you notice this, and all of you are pulled up alongside the floor tiles and each thrown alongside the conveyor belts into the side rooms.

On the right side, we have Xoc, Hop, and Ness, and on the left, Elee and Misha.

Emily 

[Strained.] You remember last time you left Misha and Elee alone together?!

Ari 

Well, well, well—oh, yeah, I guess Misha couldn't access the datasphere that time.

Emily 

Yeah!

Ari 

But it will be—and they're okay!—it will be different this time.

Hallie 

[Brightly.] And now it's Christmas!

Ari 

Yes.

Emily 

With demonic teddy bears!

Tom

So we are going to have Hop and Ness in the same room for this one as well?

Kyle 

We are, and that's just because Ab-stem...[Questioningly.] Abstemius?

Bry 

Ab-stee-mius.

Ari

Abstemius.

Kyle 

Uh, Abstemious has a companion. So I want the companions to be in different groups.

Tom

Ah, gotcha.

Kyle 

Yeah. Yeah, and Misha, by the way, you do remember yourself this time. Your connection with the datasphere is stronger.

Ari

Mm-hmm.

Kyle 

So you're able to actually hold onto this, it, this time and remember who you are. 

Tom

You just synched with the cloud. It's fine. 

Ari 

Okay, I have a backup, the back-up files. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Kyle 

But will conveniently, will never remember what happened this arc, and will never talk of it again. It'll have never happened!

Bry 

Damn it. I'm trying to recruit them. Come on!

Kyle and Emily

[Laughter.]

Tom

We can only talk about it in specials. It's anime movie logic. 

Kyle

[Laughter.]

All right. Who wants to start, which team, which squad, which squad do we want to start with? 

Tom

I feel like we should start with the squad that's going to meet Pope Esteem...Abstemius. Augh, can't use words. 

Bry 

[Chuckles.] I'm so sorry for choosing such hard names.

Tom

No. No, it's okay. 

Kyle 

It's just, I mispronounced it the first time and now it's stuck in my head. 

So you fall down what almost looks like, you know those like, slides they have at like, McDonald playplaces?

Emily 

Is it as germy?

Kyle 

It's just as germy, and you slide down and down and down and you come out at the other end into a ball pit. 

Emily 

Mmmm.

Fry 

That sucks. 

Kyle  

And this is Xoc—sorry. This is Elee—

Emily 

[Crosstalking through laughter.] You're a little too excited about this.

Kyle 

This is Elee and Misha. And as you make your way up, you see yourself in a very basic wooden room, and through the balls which just fall down around you into this sea of multicolored germ-filled plastic nonsense. 

[The cheerful, welcoming music that accompanied Pope Abstemius earlier begins to play once more.]

You see a man staring down at you with a small bird elephant sitting in his hat. 

Bry 

Can he be startled by them popping up?

Kyle 

Yes. 

Bry 

Okay. I'm gonna have him go,

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Startled grunt.] By the Holy Faith! What are you doing down there?!

Ari (as Misha)

Salutations, unexpected human with really good taste [00:35:00]  in hats.

Kyle 

[Laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

My nomenclature is Misha Jarvis.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Misha Jarvis. What are you doing down there? Are you all right?

Ari (as Misha)

Ah, I believe we are all right.

Ari 

They're going to look at Elee to see if that's the case.

Ari (as Misha)

But we have been separated from some of our friends, and like to go back with them.

Emily (as Elee)

I would like to be out of these balls. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Okay!

Bry

I will offer both of them a hand, and because Pope Abstemius is a tiny muscular dude he'll actually be able to haul them out if they, you know, give it their go, I think.

Kyle 

Yeah, I'm going to say you can do that. 

Bry 

Okay.

Kyle 

And a reminder that this man is glowing the second you see him.

Bry

Glowing, yes. Oh, nice.

Emily 

I want to poke him.

Kyle 

When he tries to help you up, or when you get up?

Emily

When, when I, when I get up I'd like to rule, if this is okay, that there's a little startling realization at how it, it's pretty difficult, despite how small of a woman Elee is, to pull her up, and she's gonna get up and immediately like, just, poke. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry

[Like the Pillsbury dough boy.] Woo-hoo! 

[Laughter from the party.]

Because, uh, because he, when he lifted her up, he'd probably feel like the sturdy metal under her hand can he like, poke back? And just be like, 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Ooh!

Kyle 

You can do it—listen, this is for the three of you to do whatever the hell you want. All I'm gonna say is that if anyone tries to pull Hanneeno, we're going to have a very angry elephant on our hands.

Bry 

He will hurt you!

Emily 

Misha, you want to get on, in on this action?

Ari 

Yeah. Misha is just like, circling Abstemius, admiring the hat.

Bry 

You don't want to poke?

Ari 

[The music fades.]

Um, they, they might ask. They don't want to do it without permission, uh, so they can be like,

Ari (as Misha)

[Hesitantly.] May I, ah, touch your hat?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Of course, you may touch my hat. It is made from the finest silk produced by the nuns of the Order of Truth. 

Ari (as Misha)

[In awe.] Oh, it does seem really nice. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Why thank you. 

Ari (as Misha)

Do you think I would be able to get one of these after I reunite with my friends?

Emily (as Elee)

[Thoughtfully.] I think I dated a nun once. 

Kyle 

Uh, Misha, are you wearing any of your hats at the moment? Because you have—

Ari

[Crosstalking.] Oh, right!

Kyle

So many.

Ari 

I have so many. Ahh, sure let's say that Misha's wearing the poet's hat 

Kyle 

And can we rule that Misha, as soon as they saw the hat, just like submerged back under the balls for a second and then just came back up with the poet's hat on?

Ari

Yes.

Kyle

And be like—

Ari 

[Crosstalking.] Yes, yes!

Kyle 

I too have a hat!

Ari 

Yes, I love it.

Ari (as Misha)

I also have a hat!

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

And it's very, very fetching on you. 

Tom

[Chuckles.]

Ari (as Misha)

Thank you. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

So what are you guys doing here? And you said you were with other people? Who are you with, and how many people are here? 

Emily (as Elee)

Uhh.

Ari (as Misha)

Well, it...there is my friend Xoc. There is my friend Simon Scotch, and there is my friend Ness, but I do not know where they are right now. We got separated from them. [A little plaintively.] And I can't communicate with them.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Cautiously.] Are any of you here with Paloma?

[The slightly wheezing, off-kilter music that introduced Paloma begins.]

Kyle 

Meanwhile, Xoc, Hop, and Ness, you down a much worse slide. You know those like, those metal slides that they have at playgrounds?

Hallie 

[Slightly indignant.] That burn your skin if it's been hot?

Kyle 

Yeah, they're like really fun unless they're hot, which they are. 

Hallie 

[Grumbles.]

Kyle 

There are lights in here that beat on like the sun, and you slide down and you just hit the concrete. And you're in an identical hall, it's like wooden and cozy, so it's like, it's a literal brick of concrete specifically at the bottom of the slide before everything goes away to nice carpeting. 

Hallie 

Someone did this on purpose.

Kyle 

Yes. It's the aesthetic of it. 

Hallie 

[Exasperated.] All right.

Kyle 

So you hit the ground, and as you're probably nursing your bottoms a little bit,

[The music ends.]

You turn over and you see an umbrella in front of all three of your faces. 

Hallie 

Is it open? 

Kyle 

I don't know! Is it open or is it not?

Fry 

[Uptempo music begins to play; it sounds like something you would hear at a square dance, with lots of guitar, but still with a hint of mischief.]

Well, if Mama Paloma's inside her umbrella would be closed and probably set to the side. I assume that she has found an old hunk of fudge. And when you pick up old fudge, it immediately like, turns to dust, so she's like shoved that into her canteen and shook it up. And so...

Tom

[Shuddering horrified noise.]

Fry 

She sees these people faceplant on the concrete and walks over and goes, 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Oh, I have some restorative drink for you. I just discovered it!

Bry 

[With a hint of disdain.] Ugh, she freaking would.

Emily

[Horrified laugh.]

Kyle 

Now question, is this—did you at least mix this with water, or is it just the powder? 

Fry 

It's in, it's in the canteen with water. 

Kyle 

Okay. 

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

Okay. 

[The music ends.]

Slightly better. Now it's just mud. 

Fry 

[Through laughter.] Yeah.

Tom

Million-year-old room temperature chocolate?

Kyle 

[Laughter.]

Fry 

Yes.

Tom

But Xoc doesn't know any of this, so he will look up, say, 

Tom (as Xoc)

Oh, well, thank you!

Tom

And take a tentative sip of the, ah, of the drink.

Emily 

[Horrified.] Don't drink things that strangers give you!

Hallie 

I was gonna say, even without the knowledge of what it is, Hopper's not really going [00:40:00] .

Tom

[Crosstalking.] Does Hopper try to stop Xoc before he does?

Hallie 

Yes, he does. He's like, 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Oh, uh, we—

Hallie 

Like, sticks his hand out and then gently puts the canteen down. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Thank you for offering your, um, your drink, but I think, I think we'll be okay. Um, I'm, I'm Hopper Scotch 

Hallie 

And he'll stand up, dust himself off, extend his hand.

Fry 

Mama Paloma's going to shake that hand two-handed, you know, one hand on one side the other hand on the other, gently.

Kyle 

A gentleman's handshake. 

Fry

[Laughter.]

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

It's nice to meet you! I'm Sister Paloma.

Tom (as Xoc)

And I am Xoc, and this is Ness!

Hallie 

Ness has taken the canteen from Xoc's hands and is peering into it. 

[Laughter from the party.]

Hallie (as Ness)

[Muffled by the canteen.] Sup.

Tom (as Xoc)

Uh, how did you get down here? We thought we were the only people, uh, in this ruin.

Fry 

Um, how'd she get in there? She's been wandering for a bit, are there other people with her?

Kyle 

Uh, it is just her. You can say you came in, again unless it's you killed Santa Claus, you can say whatever you want for how you got in. 

Fry 

All right. Well, she's gonna say that she came in through the nearest door that she found and she's just been sort of poking around. It looks like she's made little piles. She's got a pile of tinsel and another one of Christmas lights, and then she's got that weird hunk of dried out fudge that she looks like she's been sort of messing with. 

[Pause.]

She smells like fudge right now.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Tom

The million-year-old fudge.

Ari

Oh, great.

Tom

Xoc is going to stand up and say, 

Tom (as Xoc)

We got separated from our companions. Did you need help getting out of here or was, was there anything specific you were doing in this ruin? 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Well, I was looking for an artifact that I heard about. I can sort of feel it under my, um, under my clavicle here. I can feel it in, in and about my heart region, in the cockles as it were. But I'm just sort of, I'm not in any hurry. There's other neat things here.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Have you been collecting all this?

Hallie 

And Hopper gestures to the piles of stuff. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Ah, yeah, just, I'll have to find like a big ol' blanket to put it in later. 

Tom

Xoc, perhaps not recognizing the, the strange piles, is just like, 

Tom (as Xoc)

[A little excited.] Oh, that's so fascinating. I've never heard of someone who had the power to sense, sense artifacts within their own body. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah. How does, how does that work? 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

You know, I'm not entirely sure. It's definitely on my list. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.]

I like to believe that before, uh, before they split up, Pope Abstemius just gave Paloma a literal character sheet saying hey, here are your powers as that which we have established, so you can remember. And Paloma just has the sheet like a receipt like, oh, what was this? Oh, yeah. This was the power, right? Yeah right here. It says it's on page 47 of the core rulebook. Not sure what that's referring to.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle

I think it's a holy text.

Tom

The King James edition of the, uh, the Order of Truth role-playing game. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] It was, it was a brief period where Abstemius tried to be with the times and was like, well, maybe we can market ourselves in direct competition with JET.CO. It didn't pan out. 

Bry 

He tried so hard though. He tried to rap a sermon and it went over really really poorly. 

Kyle 

I was about to say, we don't talk about the Amber rap.

[Laughter from the party.]

Anyways. Oh, hey, look, there's a door. You all notice a door. 

Tom

I feel, I feel as though we're being told to go somewhere, but Xoc will say,

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, it looks like we can't get back up the way we came. I guess there's nothing left to do but progress, and see if we can't find the rest of our companions. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

All right. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

It was nice meeting you. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Oh, well, I'll come with—I don't, I don't have anything to do. 

Fry 

She grabs like, a hunk of that fudge that immediately breaks into her hand, and she sort of like dusts it around, and then she just walks with you guys.

Tom

Hopper's not so subtly trying to avoid this lady, like, oh nice meeting you!

Hallie 

No, the thing is that he genuinely meant that—he's fine if she comes along, he just was like, we're gonna keep going, but it definitely came across that way.

[Laughter from the party.]

Tom

And I guess we proceed through the hallways open to us. 

Kyle 

All right, you make your way through the very strategically placed door, in that it was strategically the only one, and you make your way to this big very religious looking space.

[Grandiose orchestral music begins to play, swelling under Kyle's description. It's not somber necessarily, but a bit serious.]

Giant archways. And you see six armored knight outfits on one side and you see five on the other, and at the very, very end you see a single lonely suit of armor standing in front of the other doorway. The one leading out.

Tom (as Xoc)

Hm. Hopper Scotch, do you think there's anything unusual about that suit of armor there?

Kyle 

[The music ends with a thunderous noise.] 

The thing lifts a halberd and slams it down on the ground, kind of like a polearm. So it's not like hitting the ground—you know, the blunt end. 

Hallie 

Yeah.

Kyle 

It slams it on the ground and then all the other ones slam them on the ground.

Kyle (as the knight)

[In a stern, echoing voice.] We are...the Twelve Knights of Christmas.

[00:45:00]

Ari

Oh, no.

[Muffled laughter from the party.]

Kyle (as the knight/Sir Hilarius)

Over there is Boxer. Over there is Roger. And I am Sir Hilarius [PRONOUNCED: hih-LAR-ee-us].

Fry 

[Laughter.]

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

What business do you have with us today? 

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Carefully.] Uh, we're just passing through trying to get out of the room. 

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

Hmm. But are you worthy of passing through? 

Tom (as Xoc)

I mean personally, I think that all people are worthy of going through doors. 

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah. I, I second that.

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

That is a valid point. But, can you name the Amber Pope who first stated all men can go through doors. 

Tom (as Xoc)

Well, my beliefs are based more upon the democratic and egalitarian principles—

[Laughter from the party.]

Of the teachings of the machine Baz.

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

[A brief pause.]

We do not know of the Machines of Baz. Tell us of their wisdom. 

Tom (as Xoc)

[Gentle, chiming music begins to play, slowly swelling into something more hopeful and bold.]

Oh, well, there was, a long time ago, a machine that we in our records called Baz. We don't have any information on what this machine's function was, but we know it created a sanctuary for other intelligent machines and decreed that we would live there in peace and security. 

That's when the traditions were established for egalitarian meetings, votes. I think they, in the, in the steadfast here they'd call it democracy. And, and, uh, the only thing that they don't tolerate are machines who try to kill or take over other machines as, as they do from time to time.

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

[The music ends with another thunderous thump.]

Such is valuable, novel, and utterly serious knowledge. You and the small robot may pass. 

You! 

Kyle 

And they point to Hop. 

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

What scriptures do you bear knowledge from?

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Taken aback.] Uhhhh.

Hallie 

Hopper searching his memory for literally anything that he knows related to scripture.

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Panicked.] Uh. Uh, don't murder folks.

[Laughter from the party.]

Fry 

It's a good one!

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

Such is a good lesson. From which scripture aave you gained that knowledge?

Hallie (as Hopper)

[Cautiously.] The Adventures of Jameson Hopper?

Kyle 

[Another thunderous noise.]

The halberd slams down.

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

You may pass on and carry with you the scriptures of Saint Jameson Hopper.

Kyle 

And then finally, they turn around and they look at Paloma. 

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

[More ominously.] You.

Fry 

[With a nervous laugh.] Oh.

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

What scriptures do you come bearing knowledge of?

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Ah, the Scriptures of Nature, and the beauty around us!

Kyle

[A moment of silence.] 

It just sits there. It doesn't even slam down. It looks like it's waiting for you to say something more.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I read them all in a book called Chi-keen Soup for the Children's Soul. 

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

We have observed the Chikeen Soup. It is by far one of the most popular scriptures, but can you quote the scripture of Chikan Soup? 

Fry 

And yeah, and she just, she sort of just recites a ridiculous poem about bees.

Tom

[Laughter.]

Kyle 

And what is this poem?

Bry 

Go for it, Fry!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[A jingling little children's tune begins to play.]

Buzz, buzz, buzz!

They go into the flowers.

Buzz buzz buzz!

They're so fat and cute. 

Bees!

[Laughter from the party.]

Emily

It was beautiful!

Kyle (as Sir Hilarius)

[A loud thump. The music continues.]

And thus, truer words have not been spoken. You may pass.

Kyle 

And, uh, this knight walks to the side and leaves the door open for you to continue. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

All right, let's go!

Fry

She's gonna bring her, uh, her parasol and follow along.

Kyle 

And as you walk and make your way through, closer to the artifact and closer to finding your friends, current and former...

[The gentle music fades. The closing theme, “Hitoshio” by Miracle of Sound, begins.] 

Our view, our imaginary camera, takes a look into Paloma's book, the scripture from which she read, which she has held onto, uh, and it is currently in in her bag. And we see an odd bit of writing on it. 

We see that it says Property of Pope Abstemius.

Kyle 

Hey, this is Kyle. [00:50:00]  Thanks so much for listening to this bonus episode. If you're interested in listening to Quest Friends or Pontifacts, you can find links to both shows below. You can also find links to the Quest Friends intro song, which is "Friends" by Miracle of Sound, and the Quest Friends outro song, which is "Hitoshio," also by Miracle of Sound. 

Normally, we at Quest Friends end our episodes with a kind of outro that features some little thing that was fun, but it didn't quite fit the show proper itself. And here's the one for this episode. I hope you enjoy it. 

Kyle 

What is it? Sorry, I was trying to look at the picture.

Tom

What? Ohhhh.

Kyle 

I don't know what it is, but I love it. 

Tom

What—

Ari

[Crosstalking, gleeful.] Oh, what's this!

Tom

What, why—why are its feet like that?

[Laughter from the party.]

Ari

I love it!

Bry 

It's the fish people from Hotel Transylvania. And that's what I'm picturing these fish people looking like.

[Laughter from the party.]

Tom

Noooo.

Fry 

Do you know how many times I had to watch Hotel Transylvania? 

Bry 

Yeah. 

Kyle

Oh, no.

Fry 

It wasn't even for the children. My husband was doing some acid artwork for something else that required him to know all of the lore. 

Ari

Oh, no.

Tom

Oh god.

Kyle

Oh, no. Honestly, that's a lot better than what I expected. I expected you to just say yeah Bry has just forced me to watch it. 

[Laughter from the party.]

Every weekend in October. 

Bry

That's Pacific Rim.

Kyle

[Laughter.]

Fry 

I love Pacific Rim though!

Bry

Exactly.

[Episode ends - 00:51:22]