The Frozen Factory feat. PONTIFACTS, Part 2

[Intense, traditional choral music begins to play.] 

Fry 

[Choral music fades.] 

[00:00:07] Faciem sanctus. 

Bry 

We're going to look at both of them. We're going to look at Pope Abstemius. We're going to look at Mama Paloma, because we have images of both and we have some contemporary descriptions. So our descriptions of Pope Abstemius and Mama Paloma come from a deacon called Barnabas Barnabus Bennifer.

Fry 

[Dryly.] What a name.

Bry 

And we need to say it's Barnabas. not that Barnabas. 

Fry 

Yes. 

Bry 

His description of Abstemius reads: Abstemius was a short man of sturdy and muscular build. He had short white hair and a close-cropped beard and amber eyes, but the most remarkable thing about him was the fact that he gave off a distinct glow – a golden light, like radiation or holy radiance emanated from him at all times. So this man was a walking glow stick. Are you ready to see a picture of him?

Fry 

Yes! A pitcher. 

Bry 

Yes.

A pitcher. 

Fry 

[Startled.] Oh, okay. He's glowing quite a lot. 

Bry 

He's very glowy. He's like, super...super radiant. I...I like it? He also kind of reminds me of a cat? 

Fry 

Oh, yeah. No, he definitely has cat-like features. I mean, he doesn't have slitted eyes or anything, but he overall reminds me of a cat. Yes. 

Bry 

He does remind me of a cat too. I mean, he has that kind of, you know, if we look back to the old references to the Old World, Popes that looked like cats tended to do very well, a la Pope Leo I. 

Fry 

You're right, but he's not a great is he? 

Bry 

He's not a great but we don't generally see great so much in the...generally if they have nicknames in the Order of Truth, they're negative.

Fry 

Ohh.

Bry 

He himself would refer to Duranet VI as "the Aggressor." So not a great name, but that's him. And I think he's, I think he's going to score highly in this round. 

Fry 

Yeah, I can give him like, uh... [Thoughtfully.] A six. He's maybe too glowy? 

Bry 

I mean I want to score him well just for the glowiness. So I'm going to give him an eight!

Fry 

You, you like when things glow.

Bry 

I love when things glow, it's my, it's a little bit of a magpie in me. So you're going to give him a six, and I'll give him an eight, which will give him a score of 14...when put through our calculator gives him a 3.5. 

Now onto Mama Paloma. Again, from Barnabas Barnabus Bennifer, quote, Paloma was tall and thin, with brown hair that was unkempt and wild – often full of things she wanted to keep hold of. She wore thick glasses and carried a parasol at all times, and on her skin were large black bruise marks from her exposure to the void. 

So here is a picture of Mama Paloma. 

Fry 

She's got a very pointy face. 

Bry 

She's got that hippie look about her, she's got a pointy face. She's got great hair. I mean, I would kill for that volume. We don't know if it's volume because of what she's keeping inside or whether that's the hair itself. But hey.

Fry 

Yeah, and it doesn't look overly clean? There might be bugs in there. 

Bry 

There might be bugs, there might be food. 

Fry 

[Through laughter.] That's why the bugs are there. 

Bry 

There's a little bit of grossness about it. So compared to our glowing man, I mean, I'll give her... I don't know. She's got she's got some style. I'll give her like a seven? 

Fry 

Okay. 

Bry 

What do you want to give her.

Fry 

I can give her a six too. I don't...

Bry

Oh, okay!

Fry 

You know...at least there's there's something visually stimulating about her. 

Bry 

Mmm-hmm, mm-hmm. She definitely has that wild look and like...

[Opening theme, “Friends” by Miracle of Sound, begins.] 

Even if the bruising on her skin makes her look a little bit otherworldly, I mean she kind of was, so...that works. So we'll give her a 13 which will give her a final score of 3.25.

[Opening theme intensifies.]

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

All right, so Abstemius. It's about a year before your adventure in the washed-up workshop. Ah, you're in your, your office space. What does that kind of look like? What is, what is your room? Do you have a unique room or do you just hang out in the main space?

Bry 

Um, generally you'd find him in the main space. He's trying to make it as nice as possible for the dusty and drab space that it is. So he's probably always there kind of like putting up little relics that he found, dusting off pews, you know, just kind of being like his own janitorial service. 

Kyle 

[Cheerful, chiming music begins to play; it sounds like a child's music box.] 

So you just finished that work and you finally sat down to rest at a very simple chair. Hanneeno the Birbaphant has rested in your hat, and you're just cracking open your favorite book. So you're going through your favorite book, Chacken Soup for the Soul, and you're reading your favorite poem from it, 

[00:05:00] 

Bees, Bees, Bees.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Fondly.] I love those bees, Hanneeno. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry

I reach up and give him a little scritchy scritch. 

Kyle (as Hanneeno)

[Pleased trumpet noise.]

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Delighted.] You're my busy little bee aren't you? 

Kyle 

It's by all accounts a particularly boring, but particularly pleasant day.

[The music ends.]

And then the doors open, and it is no longer either of those.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

You wanted to see me, sir. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[With a benevolent air.] Yes. Sister Paloma, come. Come sit down with me. 

Fry 

All right, she's going to take a seat. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I'm concerned. 

Lately, you've been not yourself. Not the self that I know. I know you to be an incredible speaker! You have been a wonderful, wonderful icon for this organization. You have brought back more relics, more artifacts than anyone else. You have spoken beautifully and given sermons that inspire even me.

[A little less benevolently.] But lately, I'm really noticing you going off-kilter, and I'm hearing some talks that you're pulling people away and having these meetings outside the church in like...a backyard commune? There's lots of talks about...

[With a hint of suspicion.] Feelings.

And I just need to know what's going on. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Well...

How does that make you feel?

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Startled.] It makes me feel concerned, Paloma. That's what I just said.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I heard that you have been doing things that are not right by our Order. You're telling people that steaming certain body parts is going to increase their health. You're telling people that if they drink a certain type of tea, they're going to lose weight. 

[Increasingly frazzled.]

I'm–none of this is what we stand for! So I need to know what's going on with you. Not, what's going on with me! What's going on with you.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Well, sir, you you know my condition.

Fry 

And she holds up her hands.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I do.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

It's given me insight! Insight into to the artifacts themselves, and what they can do to help us. Sure they can give us knowledge, but have you considered how well they can make your skin glow? [In an encouraging tone.] Perhaps your glow could be even more. 

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[With barely contained frustration.] I think I'm good on the glow, Paloma. 

Um. [Trying to regain his composure.] Insight is good. We need insight, we need wisdom, and we need knowledge if we're ever going to learn and progress as a human society. We need insight, but I don't think we need glowing skin, and I know I'm one to talk! But help me understand where you are. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[With an air of generosity.] I'm just trying to make everyone their best self.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Is your best self in this organization?

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Breezily.] Mm...you'll have to let me think about it. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Slightly distraught.] Do you believe in what we do here anymore? 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I mean, I do? The knowledge is important but so is my marketing funnel.  Are you sure you don't want to...

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Intensely.] I have never been more sure of anything. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

[In a sharper tone.] We cannot have a marketing funnel in the Order of Truth. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

But if you just recruit four more people–

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Slightly panicked.] You can't be doing that here! This is a place of learning and truth! Objective truth. You can't lie to people like that!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Unconcerned.] I don't feel like I'm lying at all.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Startled laughter.] Then what are you doing? 

[More somber.] You know what? Paloma, I'm going to need you to go and pray on this. You either have to give this up and come back to us, or you're going to have to go. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Yes, sir. I'll do my best to pray about it.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Faintly.] Please do.

[Gentle guitar music begins to play. It's sweet and friendly.]

Bry 

And I'm going to cup her hands, just like, put my glow over the dark bruised spots. Just, I really, really want her to come around. 

Kyle 

And in those cupped hands now, about a year later, is no longer Paloma's hand, but instead a crumpled up piece of paper you've held onto which is her letter of resignation. You are all making your way down this, ah, hallway.

[The music intensifies.]

At some point you have to stop walking–instead you had to get in a big novelty-shaped boat, and are now going down a stream.

Hanneeno and Misha's scarf are getting to know each other–the end of Misha's scarf is booping the end of Hanneeno's trunk.

Ari 

[Delighted gasp.] Ahhhh!

Fry 

Hanneeno loves a boop!

Ari 

Ah, yeah, the scarf loves to boop also! 

[The music fades.]

Misha has been well, they're walking trying to contact Xoc and communicate with him, unsuccessfully.

Kyle 

And it got even worse once you got into the boat and you're going through these–they're basically like the tunnels of love boat that you're going through.

Ari 

[Wryly.] Oh, great. 

Bry 

So Abstemius is going to notice that they're are concentrating on something and,

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Curiously.] What are you doing? 

Ari (as Misha)

[Startled.] Oh, ah, I'm just trying to contact my special friend Xoc! We usually are able to communicate with each other mentally through the datasphere, but it seems as if there's some sort of interference and I get worried when I am not able to communicate because I want to know if he's okay. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Surprised.] Did you say...through the datasphere?

Ari 

Misha is going to nod.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, yes, ah, I am usually able to communicate with it, acquired information from it, and in other instances communicate with my special friend Xoc!

 [00:10:00] 

Bry 

[With mischievous glee.] Okay, Abstemius is really interested in this. His glow is probably getting a little tingly because he's getting excited. He's like,

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Intensely.] How do you do that? Tell me all about it. 

Ari 

Ah, Misha's is going to look even like–a little bit happy at like, seeing that increased glow because they like that and say, 

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, I honestly do not know! I have always had it. It just comes natural to me. I just concentrate a little bit and it's there! Usually...but as I say, there's interference right now, 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[A little incredulous.] So you can pull information from the datasphere, and it just comes to you?

Ari 

Misha is going to nod excitedly. 

Ari (as Misha)

[With clear delight.] Oh, yes! Certainly! I can also learn all kinds of interesting things about humans. Sometimes I forget about them right after I learn them, but other times I just understand them. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Intently.] That's the most marvelous thing I've ever heard. Tell me, Misha...

[Gentler choral music begins to play.]

Have you heard of the Order of Truth?

Ari 

[Through laughter.] Uh, Misha is going to try to search for it. But of course the thing is blocked, so they're going to be like,

Ari (as Misha)

No, in other instances I would have the information right now, but I can't access it. I do not know. Can you tell me more about it? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

The Order of Truth is an organization dedicated to bringing truth, wisdom, and learning to the world...

[In a tone reminiscent of a car salesman.] And we would love to have someone like you!

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, well, ah–that sounds really fun and interesting! I like learning about true things, and saying true things to people sound good too. Honestly, I think, is a good human quality that should be shared.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Absolutely. 

Emily 

Elee is gonna scoff. 

Bry 

[Laughter.] And noticing the scoff from Elee, he's going to turn and look at her with a very charming smile and be like, 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Is that amusing?

Emily (as Elee) 

[Clearly not as enthused as Misha is.] 

[The music ends.]

I think that it's funny that you would sell the teachings of organized religion as...

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Crosstalking.] But, but we're not necessarily a religion, you see! 

[In the conciliatory tone of a car salesman explaining why exactly you need the seat warmer features and the six disc CD player, and sincerely believing it.] We follow the structure of a religion, but we're all about learning. We're all about spreading the message of truth and wisdom. Not, not just who you should pray to, you see. I'm very interested in this idea of being able to access information that just...is out there! We send Seekers to find this information, but you can just do it on the go. 

This is really interesting to me, Misha, and someone like you in our organization would be held up in very, very high reverence.

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, well, I have some experience with being held in high reverence for humans. 

Kyle

[Barely contained laughter.]

Ari (as Misha)

I don't really understand why, most of the time, but I think it would be fun. I have liked it in previous occasions. 

Emily (as Elee) 

[Sternly.] No, no Misha. No. No.

[Whimsical, mischievous music begins to play.]

This is an organization. 

Ari (as Misha)

Yes. 

Emily (as Elee) 

This is a group that is trying to recruit you. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)  

[Stammering.] I just–I just see–

Emily (as Elee) 

They're selling it as you're gonna be really popular. I'm just being realistic about this. I'm just being wary. I have been involved in a lot of schemes involving organizations and I do not trust any of them.

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

Abstemius is gonna give her a real nasty look when she says "scheme," and say very clearly,

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[In a much less friendly tone than he was using with Misha.] We do not do "schemes." We have separated ourselves from scheming. Let's make that thing very clear. This is just an exercise in learning. 

Bry 

Can I use my skill? I'm specialized in Persuasion.

Ari 

[Very intrigued.] Oh!  [Trying not to laugh.] It won't require much for Misha.

Kyle 

[The music ends.]

Yeah, you can each roll–if you don't roll, you'll just be convinced, so.

Ari 

Misha won't roll. I won't roll.

Emily

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

Misha won't roll. But Emily, you can roll and I'm gonna say–I know you you can resist mind control, which isn't what this is, but I think you're stubborn enough that that combined with your copious history with criminal organizations...

Emily 

I'm pretty convinced that this is a little bit mind control involved.

Kyle 

I'm gonna, I'm gonna say that because of that you'll have specialization as well. So it'll cancel each other out. 

Bry 

Okay.

Emily 

Okay.

Bry 

So it's just a roll against a roll. 

Kyle 

Yep. You can put in effort if you like. 

Bry 

Okay, I'm going to put in one level of effort. 

Emily 

I am also going to... 

Bry

[Laughter.] 

Emily

[Through laughter.] Put in one level of effort.

Tom 

Just a roll against to roll. 

Bry 

Okay. This is going to turn into a romance you realize.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Kyle

You mean with Elee?

Ari 

[Laughter.] Add one more to the pile.

Bry 

Just a D20?

Kyle 

Just roll a D20. Yeah. 

Bry 

Okay. 

[Dice roll.] 

Eleven.

Emily 

Thirteen!

Tom

Ohhh.

Kyle 

Elee is not convinced 

Bry 

Fair enough. 

Emily 

I mean...

Bry 

I'm not gonna push it too hard because I don't really need her to be convinced? I just want to know more about what Misha does. 

Emily 

Yeah, you're not interested in the weird old lady with the hat who doesn't trust you. 

Bry 

Maybe I'm interested you–in you in other ways, like...

Emily 

I mean Elee's slept with a lot of people?

Kyle 

Oh, no. Emily you're literally–you're literally on this mission to make it up to your girlfriend. 

Emily

[Indignant.] I'm not gonna–

Kyle 

Do you want this? 

Emily 

[Exasperated.] I'm not gonna flirt 

[00:15:00] 

or sleep with this man. I'm making it up to Rei because she is the love of my life and the most perfect woman that I have ever met in the whole wide world. 

Bry 

Wow. I'm deeply offended on behalf of Karl. 

Tom and Ari

[In an "a fight might start now" tone.] Ohhh!

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

Wow. 

Tom

Wow. 

Bry

Also, I just want to say once you have glow stick, you never...[Trailing off.] Go...back?

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

[Laughter.] It doesn't quite rhyme, but I was going with it.

Emily 

Glow back?

Bry 

Yeah, you never glow back. There you go. 

Fry 

[Wryly.] Sounds like a new product for Paloma.

Kyle 

We've broken Tom.

Tom 

Is that what he calls it, his glow stick? 

Kyle 

[Strained.] No, Tom. No, 

Emily 

[Bewildered.] What did Tom say? 

Ari 

[Strained.] Oh my god, I get it now. Oh my god, Tom.

Kyle 

He said, is that what he calls it, the glow stick.

Emily

[Startled noise.]

Bry 

Pope Abstemius would never be so ridiculous.

Emily 

[Disbelieving.] Oh sure. Sure. Sure. Okay. Yeah.

Ari 

[Trying not to laugh.] Misha, uh, will be like in the middle, confused as to what is going on. They like, there's some, like, tension that they understand, kind of, that it's there, but they don't get what it is. They can't research it. But they will say, 

Ari (as Misha)

Um, Abstemius. How does one spread this knowledge? Can I do it while still being company of my friends? Because I, I, I would like to still be with my friends.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Absolutely! Traveling preachers are one of our best forms of outreach. And especially if that preacher is a Saint! Could you imagine the respect you would receive are anywhere you went where there was an Order of Truth? 

Ari (as Misha)

[Curious.] Oh!

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

You would be received with honor. People would love to hear what you had to say, especially if you pulled it from the datasphere.

Kyle

And as–

Emily

[Crosstalking.] Elee's gonna throw her arm like around, like, Misha's shoulder and clenched her fist.

[Metallic Wolverine snickt.]

So that the claws shoot out.

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Ari

Which is probably gonna be a bit tough, because Misha is so tall and Elee is so short, this is going to be the claws like...

Emily

Yeah, no, she's like on her tiptoes. It's like...but it's perfect, because she can barely get her fist up there so that they just shoot straight out. 

Bry 

Excellent. Abstemius is just going to give her a little eyebrow wiggle.

Emily

[Laughter.] 

Kyle

Meanwhile, Misha you're thinking about you know, this praise, this adoration that is being promised.

Ari

Ohh, Saint Misha!

Kyle 

And you can almost hear, like, the chanting. But it's more melodic.

[Distant, echoing music begins to play.]

You start to hear...no, it's not chanting. It's singing. 

Bry

Oh dear.

Ari

Let's go!

Kyle

[Singing very quickly.]

Bom bom bom!

Now it's time for Christmas fun!

It's time to have our Christmas fun. 

We're gonna have guests!

And presents!

And we're gonna have Christmas fun. 

La la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la, la la la.

Time for Christmas!

Happy good times!

Ari

Oh my goodness. 

Kyle

[Still singing tunelessly in the background. It's mostly da da das.] 

Tom

Oh, dear. 

Ari

It's better than the rap.

Bry

Oh, boy. 

Kyle

[As the singing continues in the background.] And you see around you a bunch of small animatronics.

Ari

Oh no.

Kyle

Of little children.

Ari

Ohhh.

Kyle

Of all different nationalities and ethnicities, singing arm-in-arm dancing alongside one another. It's, it's a small world. That's what we're doing. 

Bry

[Faintly.] Yesss!

Kyle

Yeah. 

Bry

Um, it's a world of laughter a world of tears. 

Emily

[Weakly.] What kind of monster are you?

Kyle 

I'm actually going to say that yeah, Abstemius is just singing that under his breath a little bit. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

It's a world of hopes, 

and a world of fears.

There's so much that we share,

that it's time we're aware,

it's a small world after all!

Bry 

I go to Disneyland way too much.

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

You're still in the boat, and you finally make your way to the other set of doors where there's this giant field–it looks like the Windows XP background, like the giant rolling hill.

Ari

Oh, god. 

Kyle

There's a windmill, because for some reason everyone just goes with the Dutch imagery when they go for worldly imagery. I'm not sure why. But there's just a Dutch windmill there, and you stop, and the children, ah, the little animatronic children, slide, one in front of the other, and they're all wearing funny red hats with little puffballs at the end, and they say, 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

[Brightly.] Did you like our song?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Genuinely delighted.] It was fabulous! Woo!

Ari (as Misha)

Salutations, fellow machines. I thought it was a lovely song. 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

Yaaaaay! [Clapping.]

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Pleased.] Yay!

Kyle (as the animatronic children) 

The song came from our hearts!

Bry 

Ugh...from the heart, that just killed Abstemius inside. 

Emily 

Oh, yeah. Elee is not saying anything. She is dead inside. She's just clenching and unclenching her fists.

Bry

And Abstemius is clenching and unclenching his glow. It's getting bigger and little bit bigger and a little... 

Kyle 

Hanneeno loves this, you just hear,

Kyle (as Hanneeno)

[Delighted trumpeting noise.]

Bry 

He, his trunk would be like, swaying along with the music. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

He'd be wiggling his little rump. Yeah.

Ari (as Misha)

It would swing them, and the scarf also in the same rhythm, so both the trunk and the scarf are swinging with the same rhythm. 

Emily 

I like to imagine...

Kyle

[Crosstalking.] It's like the–-

Emily 

Elee's in the middle of these two who are super into it, and she just like...

Tom 

[Trying not to laugh.] Lightly bumped by the trunk and the scarf.

Emily

Yeah, like.

Kyle 

It's like the YouTube video, which I'll link, of the cockatiel who really, really likes Elvis. 

[00:20:00]

[Laughter from the party.] 

Ari

Oh my god I love that video. 

Kyle 

Have you seen this video? 

Ari

Oh, it's so good. 

Kyle 

We'll send it when we're done. 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

Well, that was our song. What's yours?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Oh, god, this is my moment. Isn't it? Okay, here we go. 

[Jingle Bells begins to play.]

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Jingle bells!

Paloma smells 

like million-year-old fudge!

Hanneeno is good to go,

and Abstemius knows the way!

Hey!

[The music ends.]

That's all I have so far.

Kyle 

They're gonna sit there and compute for a second. 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

That was a very good...pre-planned song. But we need one that comes from the heart!

Tom

[With dawning horror.] Ohhh. 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

From all four of you. 

Ari

[Startled.] Ohhh–what? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Oh. Okay, the song that comes from the heart. 

Bry 

I'm going to look at Elee. 

Emily (as Elee) 

[Flatly.] I don't have a heart.

Tom

Is four Hanneeno, or the scarf.

Kyle

Four is, uh, Hanneeno and the scarf.

Ari

[Amused.] Oh, okay.

Kyle

They're besties at this point.

Ari

They truly are. Ohh no.

Bry 

Well, he can give you a tuba tune on his snoot. 

Ari

Misha has a kazoo...and I have a kazoo. 

[Indistinct in the background: a whispered "yesss."]

Emily (as Elee) 

[Flatly.] How about I drum? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Wheedling.] No, I think you should sing.

Emily (as Elee) 

I, uh...yeah, you know, I think, I think my heart is really in my hands. Where...

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Ahh.

Emily (as Elee) 

Hitting.

Ari (as Misha)

But Elee, you were a professor of music back at the...

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[With slightly sarcastic delight.] Ohhh!

Ari (as Misha)

School. Prodigious. So I would assume you would be good also at...

Emily (as Elee) 

[Crosstalking.] That was a front! That was a con, that wasn't real!

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

So I'm conning people and selling religion...

Emily (as Elee) 

It was a random assignment! Okay, yes–

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Hmmm.

Emily (as Elee) 

But we were saving the world. So this is a very different thing. You're–you're conning people and selling religion. I was conning people in order to stop a cult. So there!

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Indignant.] What do you think I'm doing?

Emily

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I think we are two peas in a pod, Miss Elee Badge.

Emily (as Elee) 

You're stopping a cult?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Oh, yes. Yes, the breakaway cult that formed within our organization that was focused on schemes and selling people, thank you very much. 

Emily (as Elee) 

Hmm.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

So maybe you and I are more similar than we would know.

Emily (as Elee) 

Well since we're so similar, why don't you throw me a bone and I can, ah, hit things with my hands while you sing us a lovely song straight from your still– 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Crosstalking.] But do you see my hands? They glow.

Emily (as Elee) 

–loving heart. Yes, they do, but all of you glows.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Hmm, that's true.

Emily (as Elee) 

Here, open your mouth, stick out your tongue.

Emily

Does it glow? 

Bry 

Oh, yeah, it glows. 

[Laughter.] 

Oh, yeah, he'll give it a little wiggle for her.

Ari 

Misha is looking for bones.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Ari (as Misha)

I do not understand, there are no bones to throw.

Emily (as Elee) 

[Fondly.] Oh, no, Misha–

Ari (as Misha)

[Crosstalking.] But I do have a kazoo to play! 

Emily (as Elee) 

Yeah, no, how about we all just clap along to Misha's kazoo?

Ari

No! 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Let's try that. Let's see if they'll, they'll, if they'll get on board.

Ari 

This backfires terribly.

Emily

A caper!

Kyle 

Okay, we're going to have the tuba start.

Kyle (as Hanneeno)

Bum bum bum bum, bum. Bum. Bum, bum. Bum, bum. Bum.

Ari

Uhhhh, this backfires so terribly.

Kyle (as Hanneeno)

Bum bum bum bum.

Tom

[As Kyle's Hanneeno tuba melody continues in the background.] 

Now I'm just thinking of the Veggie Tales opening. 

Emily (as Elee) 

Let's start clapping!

Ari

[Strained.] I don't know what to do!

Kyle

[Tuba noises continue.] 

Ari

Ahhhh, no!

Emily (as Elee) and Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Clapping along with Hanneeno’s tuba beat.] 

Ari (as Misha)

[Begins playing a tuneless kazoo tune. The song is...very bad, all around.] 

[The music ends.]

Ari

That's–all I got!

Kyle (as Hanneeno)

[Trumpet blare.] 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

How did that make you all feel? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Exasperated.] Oh God. Until you asked that question, I felt deeply amused. 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

Why do you not feel amused though? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Dramatic guitar music begins to play.]

Because you asked me how I feel, and that brings up some bad memories.

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

[Sympathetically.] And how does that make you feel? 

[Laughter from the party.] 

[The music ends.]

Bry 

Can Hanneeno just jump out of my hat and whap the thing?

Kyle 

Hanneeno–you'd have to give me a roll to have Hanneeno do that.

Bry 

Okay. 

[Dice roll.] 

Oh, it's a five. So I'm guessing no. [Laughter.]

Kyle 

Hanneeno sits down. Hanneeno knows that you have to deal with your feelings. 

Tom

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Increasingly annoyed.] It makes me feel frustrated, because I'm here on a mission of very, very, very high importance 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

And?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

And you're getting in my way. 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

And?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Frustrated.] And what?

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

Why is the mission so important?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Because if we obtain the relic we can share that knowledge with the world before someone destroys it!

Kyle (as the animatronic children) 

Why?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Why do we need to share it or why is somebody going to destroy it? These– 

Kyle (as the animatronic children) 

[Crosstalking.] Why?

Bry

[Laughter.]  

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Because some people don't like truth and knowledge.

Bry 

Sideways glance at Elee. 

[00:25:00] 

Emily 

She glances back sticks out her tongue. 

Tom 

It does not glow.

Bry 

[Dryly.] It could.

Emily 

[Laughter.]  

Tom

[Slightly disgusted noise.]

Emily

I'm gonna smack him on the back, a little bit roughly.

Emily (as Elee) 

You know, I have been with a lot of really terrible people. Let's just start off by saying that right? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Okay. 

Emily (as Elee)  

You look like you've been with at least one terrible person. Is that what this is about?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Resigned.] That's what this is about. 

Emily (as Elee) 

Yeah. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Mm.

Emily (as Elee) 

I think they want you to admit that. 

[Annoyed.] Can we just get through your issues so we can leave? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Okay. 

[The dramatic guitar music begins again.] 

I am all for truth, and the truth is that someone from my organization went against everything that we stood for. And it was someone I trusted very much, and that person is probably on their way here to destroy the thing that I value the most, to stop me from doing what I think is so important in this world, because they feel that we shouldn't have truth and knowledge and wisdom because everything should revolve around feelings!

And this is something that frustrates me to no end, because those things have to be in balance. Because if we just focus on feelings we end up with aggression, and then we end up with a crusade, and then people die, and the Order of Truth crumbles again, and I don't want to be that man. 

So I need to do this in order to rectify the situation. 

Emily (as Elee) 

[Slightly bewildered.] But also like, no matter what, you could just not crusade.

Tom

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Thank you? [A little frustrated.] I have no desire to Crusade?!

Emily (as Elee) 

Like, feelings winning out or not.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Clearly attempting to figure out where Elee is going.] Everyone has feelings. Yes?

[Laughter from the party.] 

But I've given–that is my most honest answer. What does the little elf boy have to say? 

[Jingling bells swell.] 

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

Yaaay!

Kyle

I hit something.

Kyle (as the animatronic children)

Yaaaaaaay!

Kyle 

And the elf children slide to the side and the door opens.

Emily 

Elee whispers,

Emily (as Elee) 

I was about to kill it.

[The cheery holiday music intensifies.]

Kyle 

[The music ends.]

Hello, and welcome to the announcement break for Quest Friends, episode...it doesn't have an episode number. Quest Friends, episode crossover, the Frozen Factory, featuring Pontifacts, part two. I am Kyle, your GM, and this is the part of each Quest Friends episode where I relay important information to you, such as the fact that our intro song is "Friends" by Miracle of Sound. 

Today, I wanted to use this time to thank Pontifacts for being so willing and excited to partake in this crossover with us. It was an absolute blast to perform. It was a blast to play, plan, it was a blast to–it was a blast. If you're regular Quest Friends listeners and Pontifacts has piqued your interest, as it should, they're going to say more about how you can listen to their show at the very end of this episode. 

Meanwhile, on the flip side, if you're a regular Pontifacts listener who is a little bit intrigued by Quest Friends, I would encourage you to check out QuestFriendsPodcast.com. There you can find episodes, you can find transcripts, and you can find on our "About" page, recommended starting episodes so that way you really start at what the perfect point is for you.

All right, that's all I've got for today. Thank you so much for listening to our two-part holiday special! For those who celebrate, Merry Christmas, for those who don't, happy holidays and just, you know, have a great day, too.

[Cheery Christmas music begins to play in the background, with Kyle singing "Christmas, Christmas" til he ends on "Christmas everywhere." The song repeats.]

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

It's been very homey and very warm, but suddenly it's cold. You're on almost what feels like the top of a very shallow dome, and endlessly out into the ocean you just see a thin layer of snow over ice. 

I was about to say frozen ice. That's redundant.

[Laughter from the party.] 

In the center of the dome, you see, standing on a coat rack, like someone had gently placed it there, a red hat and a large comfortable coat. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Breathlessly.] It's more beautiful than I could have imagined. 

Ari 

Misha is going to walk towards it. 

Kyle 

But you also see something else, Misha. As you walk you turn and you see oh, hey! It's Xoc! 

[00:30:00] 

Ari

What? 

Kyle

And Ness, and Simon Scotch. Oh, and there's this new lady. I wonder who she is? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)  

[Almost shrilly.] You!

Ari (as Misha)

Salutations friends, and unexpected new human!

Fry 

Paloma's just, uh, sipping on her canteen of lukewarm...

[Noises of disgust from the party.]

Chocolate sludge.

Emily (as Elee) 

[With dawning understanding.] Oh, so this is the lady you slept with?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Startled.] Whoa, whoa, I never said I slept with her. 

Emily (as Elee) 

Oh wait, I think I got a very different read on the situation. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

No, this is–this was my right-hand woman in the order. 

Emily (as Elee) 

Ohhhh.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Mimicking Elee.] Ohh. 

Tom 

Xoc just waves and smiles at Misha.

Ari

Misha waves with the hat already in their hand.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Oh, no Misha! Don't put it on your head!

Emily (as Elee) 

[Distressed.] Misha, no, these are the artifacts! What do they do? 

Kyle 

But Paloma also sees this as well, and what's she up to? 

Fry 

Well Paloma's gonna go look at the coat at least, hold it in her hands, ruffle the bit on the end that's real puffy and white. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Weakly.] Noo.

Fry

Make it not white anymore. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Noooo–stop! The desecration of the artifacts. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Breezily.] It probably washes out.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Pained noise.] Nooo.

Tom (as Xoc)  

Do we know for certain that this is the artifact? We've reached the center, but does this truly have the power to grant us anything we want?

Emily (as Elee) 

I dunno. Misha. 

Ari (as Misha)

Yes? 

Emily (as Elee) 

What do you want?

Ari (as Misha)

I...

Emily (as Elee) 

[Increasingly frantic, realizing she made a mistake.] Wait, wait, wait–we, we–no, no, there's always a catch. Forget I said that. Take it off.

Hallie (as Hopper)

She's right. 

Ari (as Misha)

Oh, okay. I guess I will put it back. I am...

Ari 

But before putting it back, Misha will say,

Ari (as Misha)

[Resigned.] I just wish everybody would be able to get an artifact for themselves.

Emily 

Ohhh, no!

Kyle 

And suddenly everyone has an artifact in their hands.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Ari

I think like–explicitly like an artifact hat for themselves. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Emily

A artifact hat!

Kyle 

Yes. Everyone gets a hat. Um...

Tom

Are they all Santa hats or do we have different hats now?

Kyle 

Hanneeno, Paloma, Abstemius all get Santa hats. Everyone else gets elf hats with the little ears. 

Hallie

[Dryly.] Oh my god. 

Tom

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Strained.] Okay. Okay, so that's happened. So we know it's the artifact. I–this is what I would do with it. If you if you gave it to me and we discovered that t it was a genuine artifact, which we kind of just did, I will bring it to the Church where everybody can see it and everybody can know about it.

Emily (as Elee) 

Or you could just talk about it. 

Fry 

Paloma's going to look at her hat and she's going to say,

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I wish that Pope Abstemius had a heart.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Annoyed.] You would, Paloma!

Tom

[Hesitant, like he's afraid to give Kyle any ideas.] Does, like, an actual heart fall from the sky at this moment?

Kyle 

No, he gets a, he gets, uh, he gets a little candy heart.

Ari

Ohhh, one of those!

Kyle

And just all of them have an emotion on it. So there's one for happy, sad. 

Bry 

Which one did I get?

Kyle 

You got a, you got a handful of them.

Bry 

Okay, I will eat it. This is not making anything happen, he's very stressed out right now that, you know, this artifact is right in front of him and he's not being aggressive about it because that's totally against what he wants but he–-

Kyle 

Wait wait wait, wait wait wait wait, what are you talking about, "the artifact's right there." 

Bry 

[Confused and startled.] Uh. Misha has it?

Ari 

Yeah, I put it back into the–wherever it was. 

Kyle 

Oh no, no, Misha. 

Ari

Oh–

Kyle

That hat just disappeared. 

[A sad, minor key "Jingle Bells" begins to play very briefly.]

Ari

Oh, no!

Kyle

You know, come to think of it, the coat isn't there either? 

Tom

[Amused and resigned.] Mm-hmm. 

Kyle 

Oh and also, Bry and Fry, you each get a GM intrusion. Who do you want to give your other point too? 

Fry  

Um, I'm going to give mine to Hanneeno!

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry

Okay, Hanneeno has a point. I'm gonna give mine to Elee for for trying to stay level-headed.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Emily

[Wryly.] Trying. 

Kyle 

Yeah. Um, yeah, they're both gone. 

Ari

They ruined everything guys. I'm sorry. 

Bry 

I am dead inside.

Emily 

Elee's gonna say,

Emily (as Elee) 

Well, probably for the best. Let's get out of here. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)  

Hang on a sec. Paloma made a wish and it happened based on–I guess the hat that's on her head now. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)  

You have one too. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)  

Yeah. Yeah I do. But so does everybody else, so I don't know. I really want to like, test it to make sure that that's going to happen again. 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

[Ominous music begins to play. It's much spookier than minor key Jingle Bells.]

Well, what do you want? 

Kyle

And suddenly you see, wearing his little adorable JET.CO vest, 'cause he's a JET.CO representative, but also wearing the coat and the Santa's hat. You see the little happy smiling face of Eusebius. 

Bry

[Dryly.] Of course. 

Emily (as Elee) 

[Stammering.] Oh! I didn't–I'm so glad you are okay. We were...we remembered that...what happened to you...

Kyle 

And Eusebius seems to almost ignore you and continues talking to Abstemius.

Bry

Oh gosh. Okay. 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

Is it possible you don't know what you want?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Firmly.] Oh, I know what I want. I would like those artifacts for the order. 

[00:35:00]

Kyle (as Eusebius)

Of course, for the order, where they'll just sit there and do nothing. Meanwhile, imagine what JET.CO can do with it. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Oh–no. 

Tom (as Xoc) 

Why did we trust you again?

Kyle 

And suddenly, he starts to grow taller and wider to fill out the coat. 

Ari

Oh, no. 

Kyle

And Xoc, your voice gets higher pitched as you're like, 

Tom (as Xoc) 

[Faster and higher.] Why did we trust you again? 

Kyle 

And everyone who's wearing the elf hat...

Tom

[With dread.] Uh oh. 

Kyle 

Including Ness, notices the elf ears start to extend down over the rest of their body as they shrink smaller and smaller. 

[Noises of distress from the party.] 

All of you are now about the size of tiny Keebler elves.

Emily 

The people who have them, or people who are wearing them?

Kyle 

People who have them. [Laughter.] I'm not gonna let you get out of this, Emily. 

[The music fades.]

Emily 

I was just asking because Elee's definitely not wearing hers, and you said wearing.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

Elee's would be on top of the big hat. Wouldn't it? 

Emily 

[Indignant.] She's not desecrating her beautiful precious hat with that trash!

Kyle 

I'm gonna say actually, Elee, it is everyone wearing it, and you had been like, oh, well at least mine isn't on, and suddenly it's on anyway. 

Ari

Oh my god, that's amazing.

Tom

[Shuddering.] Oh.

Kyle 

And so now all of you shrink down to about the size of tiny Keebler elves, and in the upcoming thing, you can all act as a group for one action. Meanwhile, Eusebius continues.

Kyle (as Eusebius)

[The ominous music continues.] 

JET.CO has all the objects that all the people in the world want, and now we can make them without having to worry about pesky workers and pesky worker rights. We can make anything we ever want. Everything in the world!

Kyle 

And his voiced gets even deeper.

Kyle (as Eusebius)

[In a threatening, booming voice.] This artifact no longer belongs to the Order of Truth. It belongs to JET.CO. 

["CO" echoes ominously.]

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Guys, we have to take them out.

Hallie (as Hopper)

Yeah, we gotta stop this.

Kyle 

And it's time for everyone–sorry, not everyone. Abstemius and Paloma. It's time for you two to roll initiative.

[The music fades.]

Fry 

[Uncertain.] Initiative.

Bry 

We are not strong.

Fry

Not strong.

Bry

[Dice roll.] I got a fourteen.

Fry

[Dice roll.]

[Delighted.] Nineteen! 

Kyle 

And then the Quest Friends, one of you can roll for the group.

Tom

Who wants to roll–

Emily

[Crosstalking.] Ari. 

Hallie 

Not me, Ari.

Tom

Ari!

Hallie

Ari. 

Ari

Oh man. The pressure is on. Uhh. 

[Dice roll.] 

...a ten.

Tom

Eh. 

Emily

Better than probably what Hallie would have rolled, no offense. 

Hallie

We all know this. This doesn't offend me anymore.

Tom

I mean we never, we never know. 

Ari

I usually don't roll as well in, like, special campaigns.

Fry 

That's how statistics work.

Tom

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

All right. So Paloma, you are up first. You have noticed that Santa Eusebius, as he shall now be called...

Tom

Father Eusebius.

Kyle

Father Eusebius! 

Ari

Father–this is is the worst case scenario.

Kyle 

Has now taken up the artifact, and looks like he might be getting...a little aggressive. 

Fry 

I guess, um, I'm just gonna blast him with my void matter blast. 

Kyle 

All right, how does the void matter blast work? 

Fry 

It just says you can unleash a blast of void matter at a target within short range at will. It inflicts three points of damage and ignores armor.

Tom

[Intrigued.] Ooh.

Kyle 

All right. Give me a role for that. Do you want to put any effort into it? 

Fry 

Oh god. Yeah, let's do like...an effort.

[Dice roll.] 

Oh, Jesus, I rolled...a three. [Pained laughter.] 

Kyle 

So, describe how that void magic comes out and then I'll describe where it ends. 

Fry 

[Much more playful music begins.] 

Well, she's wearing a bunch of like really ratty robes, so she sort of like–

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

It's belly o'clock!

Fry 

And Care Bear stares at him.

Tom

[Snorts.] 

Ari

[Startled.] What?!

Kyle

[Weakly, through laughter.] It misses! I don't know what else to say besides...it misses.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Abstemius, it is your turn. 

Bry 

Okay, so what I'd like to do is yell at Hanneeno to go, to like, get at the big Santa and then energized my skin. 

[The music fades.]

Kyle 

Okay. Okay. What does energizing your skin look like?

Bry 

You convert a thin outer layer of your skin into a glowing shield of energy that gives you plus one armor for up to one hour until you dismiss the fact and convert the shield back to your outer layer of skin, or until you choose to release the charge using one of your other abilities. 

Kyle 

Okay, so you can do that and roll to see–uh, you're just going to send this birbaphant at Father Eusebius?

Bry 

Yes. Yeah. I'm just gonna be like,

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Charge! 

Bry 

[Pleased.] 'cause he knows what's up.

Kyle 

He knows what's up. Give me a role for him.

Bry 

[Dice roll.] Twelve.

Kyle 

Twelve. He knows what's up, and he hits our good friend Father Eusebius square in his face.

I don't know. 

Tom

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

Yeah.

Kyle 

He hits him, and Eusebius is just like, 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

[Booming startled noise.] 

Bry 

It's like a sock filled with quarters. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

I think you all need a gentle calming rock!

Tom

[Whispering.] What. 

Kyle 

And he's gonna shoot out two rocking chairs 

[00:40:00] 

at Abstemius and Paloma and I need you both to roll defense. 

Bry 

Okay. 

Fry

[Dice roll.] All right. I rolled a fifteen.

Bry 

[Excited.] Oh! I rolled a twenty now!

Kyle 

[Laughter.]  All right, so Paloma dodges handily, but Abstemius avoids so well that he gets a major effect. So something good happens.

Bry

Mm.

Kyle

What's your good thing that happens? 

Bry 

Can...can he...can we take advantage of that and give Hanneeno another hit?

Kyle 

Yeah. Yeah, you dodge so deftly and Hanneeno dodges so well that he whips around 360 and hits his trunk in, uh...

Bry

[Laughter.] 

Kyle

Father Eusebius' face again.

Bry

Go Hanneeno!

[Faint laughter from the party.] 

Bry

Nice.

Kyle 

Meanwhile, the Quest Friends, you are now...I'm going to count Misha's scarf as sentient. So you are now six little elves.

Ari

Aww. 

Kyle 

Actually, no Misha, I'm going to say the scarf is sentient, but it's just still a tiny scarf now around tiny elf Misha.

Ari 

Ohh, so small!

Hallie

Mini scarf.

Kyle 

So you are now five tiny elves. What are you up to? 

Emily

[Laughter.] 

Tom

So my, my plan, should we choose to accept it is, that we like stack ourselves up to lift Misha in the air and then Misha flings Elee at Eusebius.

[Delighted gasps from the party.]

Ari

I have a fling ability that I haven't used!

Emily

[Gleefully.] Yes. Yes! 

Ari

This is the moment!

Hallie

[Wryly.] I have to point out this would necessitate Xoc and Hop, the people with the least strength values, being on the bottom of that pyramid. 

Ari

[Through laughter.] Let's do it. 

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Kyle 

Okay. So how this works is all four of you are going to roll and I will take the second highest roll.

Tom

Oof.

Hallie and Ari

[In unison.] The second highest?

Ari

You monster.

Tom

Oof.

Ari

[Dice roll.] Eleven.

Hallie

[Dice roll.] Thirteen.

Tom

[Dice roll.] Eighteen. 

Emily

[Dice roll.] Pray. 

[Gasps.] Nineteen!

[Delighted yelling from the party.]

Bry

The Saints of the Order of Truth are with you!

Kyle 

[Laughter.] So I want you to just, just described to me how you're throwing tiny Keebler elf Elee at...

Hallie

[Startled.] Yeah, what are we throwing Elee at, like...

Tom

At Eusebius? 

Hallie

[Laughter.] 

Emily

Yeah.

Tom

Just flinging Elee as a projectile, claws out, and this, I just wanted to like, justify a reason for us all to be involved. 

[Increasingly amused.] My idea is that Hopper's on the bottom with Xoc n his shoulders, Misha on Xoc's shoulders, who's then using the added height to fling Elee farther at Eusebius.

Ari

Yes, because I have an ability called fling. So I guess I'm also...even though this is a group attack, I'm using that.

Tom

Yeah. 

Kyle 

And also Ness is there as well. 

Hallie

Ness is hanging out. He's like backing up and like, um,

Hallie (as Ness) 

You're good. You're good.

Hallie

The way you do when you parallel park. 

Tom

Ness is spotting for us?

Hallie

[Trying not to laugh.] Yeah.

Ari

[Upbeat rock and roll music begins to play.]

Yeah, I mean basically I'm going to say that like, this is a thing that Misha and Elee actually have like practice intermittently like, during their free time. So they, like, know what's up. They just haven't been able to use it yet. And yeah, so like, they are going to look at Elee and they are like, going to have like kind of like an eye contact moment, like, all right, this is our time. And also they are just going to go and like, just go and, like, do this kind of like, almost like a baseball thing with Elee on their back and just–

[Swishing noise.] 

We get a dramatic close up to their eyes.

Kyle 

It just hits Eusebius in the face, and he's like,

Kyle (as Eusebius)

[Dramatic noises of surprise and pain.] 

Emily

[Laughter.] 

Ari

Excellent. 

Kyle 

So good news. It clocks him for four points of damage. 

Tom

Yeah.

Emily

All my attacks deal an additional point of damage by the way. 

Kyle 

[The music fades.]

Okay, it deals an additional. It deals five points of damage. 

Bad news. Those four points of damage are also dealt to Elee, and normally Elee has four armor, but she's a tiny Keebler elf. 

Emily

This is just revenge because you never get to hurt me. This is–you're really excited about this!

Kyle 

[Crosstalking slightly.] And not only are tiny Keebler elves...don't have armor. They're also very low health. 

Emily

What?!

Kyle 

So Keebler Elee hits the sky and then just suddenly flops on her back.

Ari

No!

Kyle

On the ground.

Hallie

Noo!

Kyle 

Unconscious.

[Distressed nos form the party.]

Ari

This no is also in character!

Tom

Shit. Oh god, Elee.

Kyle 

So Keebler Elee is out of commission.

Tom (as Xoc) 

Elee. Please get up, Elee.

Kyle 

Paloma, what are you up to? 

Fry 

Well...

Hallie

Great. 

Fry

Well, Paloma was gonna attack the Santa, but since there's an elf down, elf down. She's gonna go over and maybe try to pour some hot chocolate in Elee's mouth. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Tom

Jesus.

Ari

She's so small!

Tom

Jesus Christ!

Fry 

Now you get it!

Kyle 

Oh...that's, that's weird. 

She wakes up. 

Bry 

Oh my God. 

Tom 

[Suspiciously.] Is it a Christmas miracle? 

Kyle 

Abstemius, it is your turn. 

Bry 

Okay, now I'm so mad. So I am going to release my energy blast, but I'm going to direct it at Giant Santa, even though that's not who I'm mad at. Okay. Release energy blast. If you have energized your skin using energy skin, tou can release that energy in a blast that strikes a single foe within long range for five points of damage. However, you suffer one point of damage as you lose part of your mass. 

[00:45:00] 

I lose part of my body. 

Kyle 

What part of your body you losing, the glow stick? 

Fry

[Startled.] Oh!

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry 

Oh, well as a pope, he really doesn't need it. So.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

I'm thinking like, a pinky finger. 

Kyle 

Okay. I'm going to say since you made that sacrifice, uh, give me a roll. No, still give me a roll. 

Bry 

Okay? 

[Dice roll.] 

Oh–twenty!

Ari

Oh my god!

[Impressed oohs from the party.]

Bry 

I never roll like this!

Kyle 

How do you want to vaporize Father Euseebius [sic] –how do you want to vaporize Father Eusebius?

Bry 

[Rock music begins to play again, sounding like the dramatic final moments of a JRPG boss fight.]

Okay. Well, when the energy blast comes it like comes from his whole being, so it starts off as like an Abstemius shaped glow just headed directly at him. And then as it hits him...probably in the legs, because he's giant, it'll just like explode upwards, all the way up. 

Kyle 

It explodes upwards, bit by bit by bit.

Bry 

Yeah.

Kyle 

It goes up his feets, up his legs, up his arms, up his coats.

[The music fades.]

Tom

[Suspicious.] This is really unsettling description.

Emily

[Faintly.] Up his coat?

Kyle 

[Crosstalking.] Up his hat.

Emily 

Oh, no. [Crosstalking.] You destroyed the artifact too.

Kyle 

And everything...

Emily 

[Crosstalking.] We're the best.

Kyle

[Crosstalking.] Hat and coat and all...

Kyle 

Is gone. 

Bry 

[Sighs.] Yeah, we're the best.

Fry 

But he hurt somebody! So...

Kyle 

Yeah speaking of, how's everyone responding to uh, waking up Keebler elf Elee. You're all, you're still Keebler elves by the way. 

Emily 

Oh–are we stuck like this? 

Tom

Oh...no.

Ari

Well, how does everybody feel about giant spiders now?

[Laughter from the party.] 

Tom

I mean we're not that small, they're just like hand size to us now. I mean Xoc right now is just concerned about Elee, because they're just shocked that anything could hurt Elee. 

Hallie

Yeah. 

Bry 

Can I...because I still, I assume we still have our Santa and elf hats.

Kyle 

Uh, the elf hat and your...uh, yeah. 

Bry 

Okay, my Santa hat? My one artifact. Can I use it to see if I could...

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I wish they would go back to the way they were before they were elves. 

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

[Gentle, tinkling music begins to play.] 

Yes. But before you do that, you realize that that if you do that, the hat will disappear. It is a cypher.

Bry 

Yeah, I figured that. Yeah.

Kyle 

Yeah.

Bry 

Can I sacrifice it for that?

Kyle 

Everyone turns back to normal. Paloma's pushed back a little bit as Elee just expands and kicks Paloma, who was next to her, just kicks her back five feet. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)  

That's fine. I'm spry.

Bry 

That was a bonus point of joy for... 

Kyle 

And then in a similar glow of light, they all disappear. 

[The music turns more dramatic, punctuated by the sound of ice crashing into the sea.] 

And as that happens, the ice starts to crack and bits and pieces start falling off, and your part of the ocean starts sinking lower and lower. 

Bry 

Well, okay. [Strained laughter.] Hanneeno is too small to ride.

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry

Uh, do you have a thing? 

Fry 

I don't think I have thing for this.

Kyle 

You do have a hat. 

Fry 

I do have a hat...but I wished, I wish for hearts. Because she's a dick.

Tom

Wait! Hanneeno has a hat! Hanneeno was described specifically as having a hat. 

Emily

[Laughter.] Hanneeno has a hat!

Bry 

Hanneeno has a hat. Do I have to roll this to see if he understands what he needs to do here?

[Laughter from the party.] 

Kyle

Um.

Bry 

He loves me!

Kyle 

Yeah. Give me a roll for that.

Bry 

Mm. Okay.

[The music stops dramatically.]

[Dice roll.] And it's an eight.

Kyle 

Hanneeno understands! But Hanneeno looks sad, and he keeps flying from your head to Paloma's head, and just sits there in the middle and is looking at you and looking at Paloma. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Take us both, Hanneeno!

Kyle (as Hanneeno)

[Sad trumpet noise.]

Kyle 

[Sad music with mournful, wordless vocals plays.]

Hanneeno can't. Hanneeno could only take one.

Ari

Nooo. 

Tom

[Strained.] What the fuck!

Ari

[Faintly.] What is this!

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

'kay. Well, yeah. Okay. Well, she's more fragile than I am and I don't want her dead. So, Hanneeno, do your thing.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Don't drown.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Incredulous.] I'm gonna try not to, thank you.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Have some crystals. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I will not take some crystals.

Kyle 

Hanneeno, um. Hanneeno wraps himself around Paloma, and in a flash of light–a flash of confetti, they disappear, and they're on the edge of the cliff right above where your section is sinking into the ground. 

Bry 

Here I go. 

[The music fades.]

Can I, can I try climbing? I'm strong. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Bry 

[Laughter.] Is there something to climb? 

Kyle 

Yeah. Give me a roll to climb. 

Bry 

Okay. This is a might roll, or something?

Kyle

Yeah. 

Bry

[Thoughtfully.] Mmm. Can I expand my experience point to help me with this somehow?

Kyle 

Yes.

Fry

Ahhh.

Bry 

Okay. 

Kyle 

How do you want your experience to help you?

Bry 

[With sudden realization.] Shit! I should have used Hanneeno's experience point so that he could take us both.

Ari

Ahh, no!

Bry

It's too late now. Okay, here we go. I'm going to go and–

[Dice roll.] 

Ahh, oh. It's a natural one. 

Ari

[Strained.] Ohhh, no. 

Kyle 

Hmm, you start climbing up, and you slip, and you slip, and you fall on your back and there's a just small crack. 

Bry 

[Resigned.] Ahhh. 

Kyle 

Yeah, as you get just a little hint in your back, and you can't get back up again.

Fry 

Can I...sorry for interrupting. 

[00:50:00]

Kyle 

No, go ahead. 

Fry 

[Slightly silly minor key music begins to play.]

Um, can I use my XP and my hedge magic to make some real rickety stairs? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I can't get up!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

Did you break your back? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Potentially? I am an old man! I'm over a hundred years old. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

You're right. 

Fry 

Let's try and make a rope ladder. Particularly one that may fit inside an Altoid box. 

Bry 

It's in an Altoid box? How big is this thing?

Fry 

It's no, it's like...it's big enough to climb. It's just small enough to fold up into an Altoid tin when you are done with it. 

Bry 

Okay, I'm gonna like stick my arm, like my torso and my arms like inside the rungs. So, you know, as it sinks, at least I'll just be hanging there. 

Ari

Hanging there!

Kyle 

[Laughter.] 

Bry

Better than nothing!

Fry 

I'm gonna send Hanneeno for help. 

[The music ends.]

I need some adultier adults, some strong people. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry 

Paloma is not an adulty adult.

Kyle 

All right, so you send off Hanneeno as you're sitting there up top, and Abstemius is just kind of dangling above the frozen sea. And for the first time this whole adventure, you two have the opportunity to talk.

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry 

Yeah, this is a good place to talk!

Fry 

Yelling across a chasm. 

Bry 

Okay. Are you going to start?

Fry 

No!

[Laughter from the party.] 

Bry 

Are you just gonna sit there?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Well, at least I'm not drowning. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

It's good that you're not drowning. What would happen to the Order? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Snidely.] How does that make you feel you?

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

You drowning? 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Yeah!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[As if it's the most obvious thing in the world.] I would miss you.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Gentle music begins to play.] 

[Startled.] Would you? I mean you've been working against me for like a year and a half now.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

No–I'm not actively against you. You just don't want to...embrace the feelings.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Paloma? I'm gonna wiggle myself out of this and throw myself in the sea.

[Laughter from the party.] 

You've been working against everything I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to bring learning to the world.

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

But can't you learn with compassion?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Slightly annoyed.] Isn't that the whole point of like, being against the crusading and people dying thing?

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

A little, but you're kind of a stick in the mud.

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

I could probably acknowledge that about myself...as I'm hanging off a cliff. I suppose I could open up a little bit more. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

It may help. You're so cold and distant. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

[Clearly stung.] Well that hurts. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

[Pleased.] Well good! You're having feelings. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Yeah, I'm having a lot of feelings right now as I dangle off this cliff. 

Fry and Bry

[Laughter.] 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

What are we gonna do about this? Because you can't keep working against me. 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I can make some concessions. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Can we not just make you a Sisters of the Feels convent?

Fry

[Laughter.] 

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

That might be nice. Uh, we don't...we're not real good at staying in one place, but I suppose if you gave us a hub. 

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

Yeah?

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

We could come back to...

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

You could be the traveling Sisters of the Feels, you know? Traveling preachers are our biggest bet in outreach. 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Maybe that's what Misha could be!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I guess if they would like to be a creature of the Feels. Is this really time to come up with a business contract though?

Bry (as Pope Abstemius)

This is not a business contract! [Slightly panicked.] I am hanging and nothing happening. What do you want me to do?!

Fry (as Mama Paloma)

I'm waiting for people to help! 

Kyle 

And meanwhile, we see Hanneeno fly off to a small observatory at the end of the workshop. You're all standing at the window at the edge of the workshop, looking down at everyone else. You're standing behind a desk labeled Mr. Klaus, and Hanneeno flies up to you and flies into particular to the man standing between all of you. 

[The music ends.]

Eusebius. 

Who is still wearing his large coat and his hat and he looks at Hanneeno, and he just ah, waves.

Kyle (as Eusebius)

We'll come get them in a moment 

[Laughter from the party.] 

Kyle 

And he turns over to you and says, 

Kyle (as Eusebius)

I'll be honest, the hat could never give you what they wanted. But what I tried to do was give them what they needed, and it might seem odd that dangling over a cliff yelling about this and that might be what they need but in my billion years around, people can be odd like that.

[Bright, upbeat Christmas music begins to play.]

[Booming laughter.] 

Kyle 

Get it?! [Gleefully.] It's the Santa laugh. All along! I–

Hallie

[Dryly.] Oh, my god.

Bry 

Thanks, I hate it. 

Tom

[Laughter.] 

[The music swells.]

Kyle (as Eusebius)

So the coat was a lie,

a small fib at least!

Any powers it possessed 

had long, long since ceased.

But that didn't matter,

for tonight it had done, 

the thing months of conflict

had tried to outrun. 

The Pope and Paloma, 

so convinced they were bitter, 

found deep in their hearts,

something starting to flitter. 

They had changed!

They had grown!

There was no reason to continue alone. 

[00:55:00] 

It had been months 

since the two had changed in their ways, 

but for tonight, 

and many nights since,

the Pope and Paloma

sat together

and celebrated 

the happy holidays.

[The music fades.]

Bry 

So now I have to ask you a question about both of these individuals. First, Pope Abstemius. Is he Papally enough? Is he a pizzazzy enough? Is he worthy of an upload to the datasphere enough for a papal bull?

Fry 

Mmm, you know, I don't–he tried really hard. 

Bry 

He tried so hard.

Fry 

But like, I don't know if his like, views, and all this forced sainthood is really what the church needed. 

Bry 

It was a super aggressive approach, but I will definitely give him some credit for being prepared to sacrifice himself to save people. That was a pretty heroic move. I mean, I'm on the fence about it. So how do you feel? 

Fry 

Well, do you want to roll for it? 

Bry 

We can give him divine intervention. Let's have a look. All right. 

Fry 

All right. I'm using...I don't even know, it looks like SpongeBob, this dice. 

Bry 

Okay.

Fry 

It's my least favorite dice in the entire world.

Bry 

Is it yellow? Is it gold-y?

Fry 

It is yellow. 

Bry 

Perfect, like his glow. Let's see what the gods have to say. 

Fry 

Ah, he has rolled a thirteen. 

Bry 

So he gets it! Congratulations. Pope Abstemius, you are worthy of a papal bull. And now Mama Paloma. I have to ask you: is she Pope or nope?

Fry  

You know, that's a hard call!

Bry 

I mean she's a wingnut who wants you steam your genitals.

Fry 

She does. 

Bry

You know. 

Fry

But when you're up against Abstemius, who was also got some very radical views...

Bry 

Yeah. It's a question about radicalness. Do we think that feelings were what the church needed? 

Fry 

I mean, maybe if there was a somewhere in the middle...

Bry 

And she did, she did come around a little bit at the end. So maybe, maybe we give her a pope for her development along the way? Do you want to give it to her? Do we need to roll for her today?

Fry 

[With delight.] We also need to roll.

Bry 

Okay. So pick a wild dice, pick something so wild.

Fry 

You're right. You're right.

Bry 

Something super wild, hippie rainbow.

Fry 

Hippie rainbow dice. 

Bry 

Yeah. 

Fry  

Oh gosh, dice. Come here–come here bag of dice. I know the jumping spider isn't in here today because he was on the couch bothering me. 

Bry  

[Startled.] Oh my god, why don't you just take him out of your house?

Fry 

[Rummaging through a bag of dice.] Because he lives here and eats he things that I don't like.

Bry 

Oh my gosh. 

Fry 

Hmm. I guess giant butterfly dice will have to do.

Bry 

That's perfect. That sounds just about right. 

Fry 

[Dice roll.] All right, we have gotten a nineteen.

Bry 

[Brightly.] Ooh, so she definitely, definitely gets a pope status. Congratulations Mama Paloma!

We hope you enjoyed listening to us. We are Pontifax, the Papal history podcast, ranking all of the Popes from Peter to Francis. 

Fry 

You can find us at Pontifacts.Podbean.com. Our podcast is available on all podcatchers, so pick your favorite, get us up on there, in your listening ears.

Bry 

For sure. 

Fry 

You can also find us at PontifactsPod on Twitter, Facebook, and Patreon.

Bry 

Thanks for listening and...good bye!

Fry  

[Brightly.] Bye! 

Bry 

Goodbye!

Fry 

Bye!

Bry

Goodbye!

Fry

Bye!

Bry

Goodbye!

[Intense latin choral music begins.]

Tom

[The music fades.]

Yes, I will contrive events such that everyone gets along!

[Laughter from the party.] 

All part of my master plan.

Kyle

He's a Hallmark Santa!

Tom

Yup.

Ari

A Hallmark Santa–he's a Hallmark Santa!

Tom

Well, it's not–I mean it's not a true Hallmark Santa unless Santa's killed someone mysteriously. 

Kyle

[Laughter.] 

Hallie

How do we know this one hasn't? He's letting someone dangle off a cliff with a broken back.

Tom

That's...reasonable.

[Episode end - 00:59:31]